Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1: sales figures - export performance between 2003 and 2008 [2]

Chau, congratulations on writing a little more than the minimum required number of words for this essay. You did a good job for the most part. Your presentation of the obvious information cannot be faulted. However, you can be faulted for placing information in a parenthesis instead of presenting it as a part of the discussion. Information in a parenthesis, although acceptable, means that this is a minor discussion point and can be omitted in the overall consideration. That is not the case for the information you placed in the parenthesis and that will have an effect on your TA score.

Another fault in the essay is that you did not make a comparison discussion, as described in the original prompt instructions for similar information. 2005 shows equal exports to North America and Europe and should have been mentioned specifically in the report presentation. Also, you failed to use the keyword "sales figures" in the essay along with the "export" keyword. Both are important elements of the discussion and should have been equally represented in the discussion. In relation to that, uour opening statement also failed to include a discussion instruction summary.

Take into consideration that you will be presenting this report to an analyst who will not have time to review the actual chart. Be precise with the information presented. Don't take shortcuts, don't demote information, and don't skip the presentation of comparison information either. These can all have a strong downward score influence on your final score.

Writing Feedback / When you live in a major city you can learn many features of the whole society [3]

Hsiao, I am of the opinion that this type of GRE presentation will only score a 4 due to a number of errors on your part. Don't get me wrong, you provided an acceptable argument for the provided topic and your reasoning is clear enough. The problem is in your actual presentation and the grammatical errors that you essay contains. The weak sentence development within the presentation affects the way that the reader understands your statements. Try to increase your skill in developing properly worded English sentences that have proper subject - verb agreement presentations. In addition to that, you must also train yourself to use transition sentences at the end of one sentence to help introduce a continuation, but change in topic discussion in the upcoming paragraph. The transition affects the smoothness of the discussion presentation and is required to help prepare the reader for upcoming information. Your reasoning development needs to have a more concise presentation. I suggest that you do that by trying to divide your explanations, reasons, and examples into separate paragraphs. That way you create a smoother and more connected paragraph discussion flow. This could have been at least a 5 essay if the aforementioned problems with your presentation did not hamper your presentation of the discussion.

Research Papers / Organic Foods vs. Processed Foods (Rough Draft) [2]

Lorraine, the opening paragraph of your presentation is interesting. However, it does not provide a clear thesis statement for the comparison research that you are presenting in the paper. While you explain what organic food is at the start, you forgot to refer to processed foods which should have led into a simple comparison between the two food manufacturing processes. This comparison would have then helped you to introduce the thesis statement for the comparison. What exactly do you want us to learn about the two processes?

I see that you listed several references in the bibliography page. However, more than half of your paper contains information that is not represented by a proper in-text citation. Please remember that regardless of the paper format, a proper in-text citation is required in order to prevent plagiarism issues in your paper once it is fact checked by your professor. Edit your presentation to include appropriate quotes or in-text citation references in order to avoid complications regarding your information references.

Since this is a comparison paper, the objective of the paper is to inform the reader about the two procedures. It is not supposed to make a conclusion for the reader. Rather, your conclusion should be open ended and a call to action for the reader to make an informed decision for himself as to which food processing method he prefers, based upon the summary of the information you shall be presenting as part of the concluding remarks.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task one: the locations choice of the new supermarket [2]

Kiki, this essay will get an automatic failing score because you did not present the minimum 150 word requirement, The lack of word count immediately indicates a lack of proper discussion development in the essay and a lack of proper referencing and comparison discussions within the actual presentation. Just looking at the essay that you wrote in comparison to the illustration already shows me that you did not appropriately analyze and discuss the drawing in your presentation. You need to make sure that you always present the complete 4 paragraph format for the Task 1 essay with properly developed 3-5 sentence paragraphs. Otherwise, you risk failing the essay test on a technicality. You don't just present the information you see in the diagram, you need to explain its relevance to the topic and its connection with other discussion considerations based on the 2 drawings. You are not taking the exam seriously when you make such short presentations as you do here. Review the "Similar Topics" section at the bottom of your posting. Learn how others have discussed the same topic successfully. That way you can improve your own weaknesses and avoid making their mistakes in your future presentations.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task two: young people tend to take a gap year before they study in universities [2]

Kiki, remember that there is a 5 sentence maximum per paragraph presentation. For the task 2 test, you should also present 5 paragraphs for the discussion. That means you should present a prompt paraphrase, 3 body paragraphs (composed of one topic each), and a concluding summary. Your essay fails to represent the appropriate format because you forgot the sentence requirement per paragraph. There is no part of the required format that is properly presented in your essay. Therefore, it will be difficult for you to get a passing score with this ill formatted and yet, still under discussed presentation. The best manner for the discussion you presented would have been to divide your reason and example discussion in the first paragraph into the 3 body paragraphs. The problem with that though, is that you would not be able to properly discuss the advantages and disadvantages in the 3 body paragraph requirement. Learn to say more with less words. Keep it short but informative. That is the best way to make these essay presentations work better in terms of scoring potential.

Writing Feedback / Purchasing the same goods in every part of the world - a good or bad trend? [3]

Vu, there are two problem points that I want you to concentrate on fixing in your upcoming essays. First, is you need to create a more proper prompt restatement in the opening paragraph. The proper opening statement for this (and future essays) need to properly depict your understanding of the original prompt and the discussion requirements. For example, one of the proper approaches to this prompt statement would have been as follows:

Globalization has created more and more similarities in the lifestyles of people. This is because people can now afford to acquire the same products from any country in the world. As such, this has become a positive development for society. The reasons I have for saying this will be discussed in the following paragraphs.

The correct presentation needs to accomplish the following:
1. Restate the topic for discussion in an original manner.
2. Present the reason for the discussion.
3. Inform the reader about the discussion instruction that was provided.

Present those 3 information in the opening paragraph and you are sure to gain a high score for this type of essay discussion.

The concluding statement you presented is not effective because it doesn't appropriately summarize the discussion presentation. I only indicates a support for the given discussion, which is not part of the prompt requirements so it will end up causing point deductions for your conclusion instead. You accidentally changed the prompt focus in the final leg of the presentation, which is a very bad thing for your essay in terms of scoring.

Writing Feedback / Charge for admission in museum? Evaluate this policy - IELTS [3]

Vua, this is a single opinion essay as presented by the question "Do you think the advantages of charging people for admission to museums outweigh the disadvantages?" This clearly indicates a single opinion essay discussion since it does not ask you to "Discuss both points of view and then present a personal opinion." Only when an essay indicates the aforementioned information does it become a dual point of view with personal opinion essay. Therefore, your discussion is inappropriate and will be marked down accordingly. It is important to understand the various methods of discussing the task 2 essay. I suggest you read the samples on the forum so that you can get a clearer idea of the discussion types and how it is supposed to be addressed in the essay discussion. Remember, when you do not discuss the essay in the expected manner, you get a severe TA score deduction which makes it difficult for the remaining scoring criteria to increase your higher score chances.

Writing Feedback / The diagram about how to get energy from geothermal power plants [3]

Yoga, while you did well in presenting more than 150 words in the essay, your formatting is off. You must present a 4 paragraph essay that details the geothermal power development. Divide the paragraph presentation into inter-related steps. That way you manage to create the required number of paragraphs. Make sure to present no less than 3 sentence per paragraph as well to make sure that you fall under the minimum sentence requirement, don't go over 5, which is the maximum sentence requirement per paragraph.

Your presentation is confusing as it does not totally follow the diagram presentation. You also did not use the parenthesis information in the appropriate spot so when you did introduce it in the discussion, the reader ends up wondering what the presentation is in relation to. Don't be cut and dried in the presentation of the steps. Try to include some obvious explanation references in order to deliver a more complete procedural report to the reader.

Scholarship / The Consistency of Change: QUESTBRIDGE BIOGRAPHICAL ESSAY [2]

Cole, this is a very well developed biographical essay. You have adequately represented the circumstances of your growth and development as a person in a manner that directly relates to your education and social experiences. Good work. Your presentation remains clear until you reach the point where you had to leave Sierra Leone for another country because of the Ebola epidemic. Make it clear that you had to return to the United States and make it clear that you consider the United States your second home. A place that is almost as home as Sierra Leone. Build up the idea that you were somewhat apprehensive but excited to join the educational system and why. BTW, when you discuss how your parents worked for schools that had a dilapidated and abandoned educational system, make sure that you are referring to Sierra Leone and not the United States. That is a confusing part of this presentation that could easily confuse the reviewer while reading the presentation.

Scholarship / Summarize the ways in which you have engaged in voluntary activities [3]

Frank, you need to provide your organizational leadership title when you say that you are a leading member of the team. As a team leader, your designation is very important in highlighting the importance of your participation in the volunteer activities. Your last 2 activities are not as well threshed out as the first so these two activities do not help to increase your volunteer profile. If you were not able to do any notable or have any sort of important designation in these last 2 activities, it would be best to not include a reference to them. Instead, use the strongest volunteer activity that you have. The reviewer is not looking for the number of volunteer activities, he is looking for your notable participation that proves leadership, team work, and problem solving skills on your end.

Writing Feedback / Ratification of a Skilled Labour Declaration [2]

Ulfah, this is a very well developed outline presentation for your paper. Everything about it is strong, informative, and properly cited. However, in the concluding section, you may want to rethink closing it with a citation from a researched source. That is because the concluding paragraph in a research essay is supposed to offer a proposed solution or summary of the full discussion without making any other further reference to sources. You want to close the discussion, not leave it open ended, which is what happens when you present a cited source as the last sentence in the conclusion. It would be best to use a general discussion of the facts presented and your personal point of view regarding the propose solution and its outcome instead. That would be a more appropriate close for this type of research paper.

Writing Feedback / Should the government control the salaries and limit money people earn. [3]

Anh, the score for this essay will be a 4. You only responded to the personal opinion side. There was no discussion of the public opinion for the 2 points of view as indicated in the original instruction for the discussion. That is why your response appears to be selective in response. By being selective, as in presenting your point of view along for both discussion points, you create a change in the prompt presentation and as such, you will be scored down accordingly. Remember, English comprehension skills are scored heavily in the Task 2 essay. Show a weakness in that and a question arises as to your preparedness to attend an English speaking educational institution. Be sure that you properly address the prompt requirements next time. That alone will be enough to increase your passing potential in the actual test.

Letters / Motivation Letter for EPFL masters degree program in Life Sciences and Technology [3]

Mubashara, this is an extremely weak motivation letter because you tried to turn it into a personal statement first, motivation letter second. This should be a strictly motivational letter that is based upon your professional and academic experiences alone. A motivational letter should inspire the reviewer to consider you for a student slot because of your ability to see something about the course of Life Sciences that you feel can help you address an issue within your workplace. The foundation for the motivation should show a significant build up through the use of your college experiences, specifically in the intern or volunteer field, and then your professional experience, with a focus on the way that you hope to use the masters degree to help motivate others to your cause. Your last paragraph does not represent motivations for your desire to study at the university. Rather, these are part of the statement of purpose essay which represent the skills development purpose of your masters study. The motivation to study at the university must relate to the accomplishments of the university students, professors, and programs to help promote the field of life sciences and technology on a public scale.

Writing Feedback / IELTS ESSAY: REWARD STUDENTS WHO SHOW THE BEST RESULTS OR THOSE WHO SHOW IMPROVEMENTS [3]

Bao, this essay will gain you a final score of 4 due to the tangential discussion that you provided in the essay. Based on the prompt requirements you are supposed to present the following information in the paragraphs:

1. An appropriate paraphrasing of the original prompt that does not immediately present your point of view as part of the thesis statement. \
2. The first point of view discussion based on general opinion, not a personal opinion.
3. A second point of view not based on a personal opinion either. It is a public reason that must be presented.
4. The personal point of view discuss that supports one of the 2 general viewpoints.
5. A concluding statement that summarizes the discussion points presented.

Make sure that you understand what the discussion instruction requires you to present before you write the essay. Otherwise, it affects the final score of your essay as a mistake in the presentation proves that you do not have adequate English comprehension skills to pass the test and functions as a student in a UK, Canada, or Austalia based school.

Writing Feedback / CBEST ESSAY Television helps in learning agree or disagree [2]

Lakshmi, since you are not being scored on an individual basis for this essay but rather, on the whole presentation, I can accurately say that you have managed to work the essay into a score of 3. It is clear, coherent, makes use of proper evidence and supporting reasons within the essay and basically, fully threshes out the discussion. However, the presentation is held back by sentence development and paragraph presentation issues. I don't consider those a big deal in the scoring consideration because it does not affect the manner by which the reader can easily understand what you have to say. However, you deviated at the end when you presented your own question to respond to in the essay. This was not a requirement and resulted in the otherwise excellent discussion closing on a discussion point totally unrelated to the prompt provided. That is what stopped, in all honesty from scoring you any higher in the test. Always stay on point with the topic deviation. Prompt deviations always result in major point deductions in the final consideration. Your essay would have scored higher on increments had you not done that.

Writing Feedback / Should scientific research, business and the academic information be shared freely or not? [2]

Michelle, it will be useless for me to point out the scoring errors that you made in this essay because it is not going to pass anyway. When you write less than the 250 word minimum for the task 2 essay, you will get an automatic failing score. There are no other scoring considerations to be made when it is obvious that you are not prepared to take the test. This is a 5 paragraph essay that has to show that you can control your English presentation based on the 4 scoring criteria. In this instance, you failed to consider the criteria during the development of your paper. That is why you cannot be given a passing score and I cannot proceed with scoring you or evaluating your presentation. Make sure you present an essay with at least 250 words next time and then I will analyze your essay based on the scoring elements.

Writing Feedback / To share information to the public or not [4]

Sih, based on my expert analysis of your essay, I can tell you that this sort of presentation will not garner you a passing score. In fact, the score breakdown for this essay would fall under a standard range of 3 for all 4 scoring considerations. You have extreme difficulty in the GRA section of the essay which affected the manner of your presentation for the TA section. Since your cannot appropriately represent your thoughts in English, this create an even bigger problem for you in the C&C section of the test as the reader had a high degree of difficulty in trying to decipher the message of the paragraphs. This was caused by you insufficient knowledge and inappropriate use of the English vocabulary. Therefore, the essay cannot score high enough to even come near a possible passing score. You can only improve if you first improve your English vocabulary skills and then learn how to properly develop English sentences by practicing simple GRA development exercises. Most of which are freely available online.

Writing Feedback / IELTS test one - why students study and how much support do they get [6]

Kiki, your first statement is insufficient. It must be a proper representation of the information included in the original report, as the assumption is that the reader you are presenting this analysis to will not have access to the original file and hence, require a more detailed explanation of the factual data included in the original illustration / report. Therefore, the first statement should have been as follows:

This report will be analyzing information regarding the interest of students in studying once they are already working along with the amount of support they get from their employers. User bar charts to illustrate the percentage data, the information will analyze the statistics from under the age of 26 to over 49. There were 2 evident trends based on the 2 charts,. The first, is that students most interested in studying are in the age bracket of under 26 and that employers tend to support the effort of their employees to study in a more active manner when they are also under the age of 26. This essay will summarize the given information and use comparisons whenever relevant.

Do not make it a habit to present valuable data from the chart in parenthesis. These are report based information and are not optional parts of the report, which is what a parenthesis presentation indicates. While it is easier to present the report in that manner, it shows a lack of proper report development on your part and will lower your TA score immensely. Also, never present less than 3 sentence in any of the paragraphs as this shows the use of run-on sentences and will result in a lowered GRA score for you.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay Some people think that having a set retirement age (65 years) for everybody is unfair [3]

Nancy, for the TA section of this essay you can only score a 5 due to a missing discussion element. You did not represent a job that could have the worker doing the same job until the age of 65. The task 2 essay is always a 5 paragraph presentation. Presenting 4 paragraphs only works to benefit the student in the Task 1 essays. In the Task 2 essay, you lose points when you do not complete the expected 5 paragraph presentation. That is because you did not adequately represent all the expected prompt discussions in your presentation. The reason why you have to represent the retirement age of 65 in the essay is simple. In your thesis statement, you indicated that" I completely support the idea that authorities must consider the type of work to fix the retirement age." thus requiring your presentation to indicate a sample of an occupation that will allow the worker to stay on the job until the age of 65. Your opening statement and concluding statement are strong. It was your actual discussion that was weak and limited in approach. As for the rest of the scoring elements, I would have given you the following score as an examiner:

TA - 5
C&C - 6
LR - 6
GRA - 5

Scholarship / Workshop about creating lesson material through e-module application - solving a challenge essay [3]

Rini, there should not be any reference to "we" in this essay because the focal point of the discussion is "I". The reviewer is not interested in how the group accomplished the task on hand in order to overcome an obstacle. He is only interest in your participation in the problem solving chain. So focus on your participation and how your participation helped the group to overcome the obstacle. If possible, point to an obstacle that existed in your assigned task and then discuss how you overcame that problem. The problem solving skill in this instance is a personal, instead of a group approach. Therefore, you need to revise the whole essay to create a more properly targeted discussion. One that focuses on the effectiveness of your problem solving skills. At this point, there is too much reference to "we" in the essay, which doesn't really highlight the "I" in the story.

Scholarship / Scholarship Response about education barriers [4]

Lour, the last part about the accomplishments that you have had since your arrival in the United States is not really a requirement at this point. The idea is to speak more of how the move shaped you on a personal, rather than academic basis. This is because the wall was something that prevented you from experiencing a personal development. The education aspect may also be an element, however, it did not carry the same preventive impact upon your personality. Maybe you focused more on the personal impact of the wall in your discussion rather than presenting a balanced discussion of why the wall prevented you from dreaming. After all, at the age of 16 you would have gotten the ID and then gone on to further your education right? So why was the wall an obstacle to your education? Try to develop that idea more because, from your explanation, you were the only one preventing your personal and academic development by being bias about the wall.

Scholarship / Common wealth Benefits to Uganda: for Msc Food Tech and Quality Assurance at Reading University [2]

Claire, try to be more precise about how your studies at this university tie in with the Commonwealth Benefits to Uganda. Your presentation of that information is too generalized. It doesn't really show a method by which your studies will tie together with the government program. Try to relate some specific subjects with the training you feel is required and why you think the training will help you to be a better prepared lecturer upon return to your country. Remember that the reviewer will be looking for signs that you have a solid plan for the education you will be receiving so the tie-up is really important in this case. You need to explain how the course you will be taking relates to your being a lecturer because from the title of the course, there does not seem to be any evident relation between the two. Further develop the explanation regarding the primary beneficiaries of your system. Explain what part of the department your plans apply to and why you feel the need to integrate your newly acquired knowledge into those areas of governance. Aside from these edits, I don't believe any other part of the essay needs to be changed, You can keep most if intact, unless you feel the need to change certain information to suit your editing work on the essay.

Graduate / Applying for MSc in Finance Program in the National University of Singapore [2]

Laras, the problem with your presentation is that the motivation aspect of your presentation is not strong enough. The reviewer will not be interested in your academic accomplishments as those represent the personal application essay information, it does not relate to the motivation in an appropriate manner. While this masters degree does not require the minimum 2 work experience, the motivation would have been made stronger if you had used an internship experience as one of the motivating factors for the essay. Remember, the motivation represents the "reason" why you feel that your future career will benefit from this early training. Most students who apply for non work experience related programs almost always use their internship experience instead of highlighting their academics. That is because the academics do not represent the skills that you have developed in an actual workplace which will tell the reviewer that you can handle the course requirements. So, no work experience is alright provided you have internship experience to help support your application.

In addition to that, the information as to why you chose the university is based on cookie cutter information. Rather than telling the reviewer information he already knows about the university, you should be looking into the program itself that you will be enrolling in and from there, picking out the personal motivating factors for your choice. These should be related to your academic and career goals as a masters student. What work skills do you hope to develop through this program? Which courses address that? How do you see the course helping you in the future? Those are the motivating factors for the choice of university.

It would be better, in my opinion, if you wrote a totally new essay to go with your application instead so that the focus of the essay will be more precise. Don't represent irrelevant information regarding your academics. It doesn't help the essay represent your motivating factor.

Writing Feedback / Sharing information in a variety of fields freely [3]

@yakoe you did not follow the discussion format as presented in the original prompt. Your prompt paraphrase is not correct in the sense that, rather than presenting a summarized version of what you understood of the original prompt, which is the purpose of that statement, you decided to start the discussion immediately. Thus, leaving the reader confused as to what the point of the discussion is all about. There is always the assumption that you are to inform the reader in the opening statement because the "examiner" will (for all intents and purposes) not be familiar with the discussion topic. Therefore, you need to explain it to the examiner in the best way you know how. That means, you do not discuss the opinions nor present any data in this part of the essay yet.

That mistake led you to the wrong discussion format in the body of paragraphs as well. There are 3 discussion points to be represented in the body of paragraphs namely:

1. Point of view 1
2. Point of view 2
3. Personal Opinion

In your presentation, you limited yourself to an under developed discussion of one point of view and then you incorporated the second point of view with your personal opinion. That created a lapse in the discussion and resulted in an incomplete representation of the prompt. You would receive only a partial score in this instance for the TA section of the band score. When you neglect to properly represent the prompt, you risk losing a major scoring consideration in the process.

Your concluding statement is incomplete. It must contain the following information in order to be considered worthy of scoring:
1. A restatement of the discussion topic
2. Summary of points for discussion
3 - 4. Summarized body of paragraphs statements.
5. Personal opinion as a statement of fact

You need to Improve in these problem areas if you are to gain a chance of further improvement during the practice stage of your essay tests. Remember, all Task 2 essays are composed of 5 paragraphs, Never 4. 4 paragraphs are only acceptable in the Task 1 essay as those essays do not require a conclusion.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2: In your opinion, what has been the most significant transportation... [4]

Nguyen, you need to work on your vocabulary skills. You misused the term "ancient" in this essay. There was no need to make a time reference in this instance. You could have simple said "previous to the invention of the plane..." Rather than saying "ancient" which is a word that connotes "belonging to the very distant past and no longer in existence." which is not what you meant to say. The time from the invention of the plane to our modern times is not yet considered "ancient". Your reference to the planes being useful in medical emergencies left me confused as to what you were trying to imply. It would be best if you try to develop your paragraphs in a more appropriate manner than simply just trying to say something, without appropriately explaining what you are referring to. This is a problem that exists throughout most of your essay and will be the main reason that you could end up failing this part of the essay writing tests in the actual setting.

Scholarship / How your personal background has encouraged you to contribute to development in your country? [2]

Alao, you need to be less flowery with your presentation and more informational in content. You have to build up the discussion in relation to your work as a site supervisor and what moves you made that helped to preserve the environment in relation to waste management. More importantly, you do not really portray yourself as having to overcome any educational obstacles even though you came from a notably large family. There does not seem to be any story of hardship in your path to attain your college degree or gain relevant employment in the field. So this isn't really a very informative essay as it does not answer the most important aspects of the question, "What makes you a special candidate and how will this scholarship help you become even better?" You have delivered a very wordy essay that focuses on your accomplishments, but it accidentally made light of these achievements of yours. It almost seems, upon repeated reading, as if everything just comes naturally to you and you don't have to work towards achieving success. It just comes to you. Which doesn't make you a very good candidate for the scholarship. Your essay lacks "heart" and "personal interest perspective" stories of the emotional kind. You don't really instill a sense of "I need to care about this applicant" within the reviewer.

Scholarship / Explain how your proposed study relates to a development need in your sector and country [2]

Alao, paragraph 2 doesn't help to move the essay forward. It does not really say anything of value and should be removed from the presentation. Instead, work on further developing the consultancy presentation you made. Cover a 5 year plan for this consultancy presentation and make sure that you integrate the consultancy somehow with your work at the Federal Waste Management Agency. Clarify what sort of projects you hope to promote or push with the environmental agency as a consultant. Explain why you believe that, as a consultant, the agency will take heed of your suggestions and actually promote the said solutions you will be placing before them.

In addition to that, make sure to involve the DFID in the project overseeing for your post study actions. Remember that the DFID will be the best place or department for you to coordinate with regarding the supervision and recording of the successes and failure of your post study projects. Aside from these two points for revision, I don't see any reason to alter the other content of the essay.

Writing Feedback / Colleges and universities have to enroll the same numbers of students in both genders in all subject [4]

Kiki, your opening statement created a severe topic deviation based upon the original prompt presentation. You should have stopped with "I disagree" instead of making an additional comment about "same opportunities to study" because that create the thesis statement for your essay, which was not part of the original discussion. The thesis statement is always the last sentence in the opening statement paraphrase and as such, represents the discussion instruction based on the required opinion. In fact, your response about the opinion is also wrong because you merely "disagreed" when the essay is requiring you to issue an emotional response based on the "extent" indication in the instruction. You have to use descriptive terms such as "strongly, totally, partially, unequivocally" to represent your "extent" opinion in the opening paraphrase. Make sure to properly use the opening paragraph in the manner required because a major portion of your final score will be based on the representation of your English comprehension skills in this section of the scoring guide.

By the way, the concluding statement is meant to be a summary of your provided discussion. It cannot be a single sentence at the end of the essay because a single sentence does not accurately summarize the discussion. Note that there is a standard 3 sentence minimum - 5 sentence maximum per paragraph and that includes the opening and concluding statement.

Writing Feedback / Higher taxes should be collected from industries causing higher industrial pollution? [3]

Anh, your opening statement is not a paraphrase of the original prompt, this means a failing score in the Task Accuracy of the test. You were only supposed to restate the problem and deliver an explanation of the discussion instructions in the opening paraphrase. This is the section where your English comprehension skills are graded and sadly, you failed in this section miserably with your presentation. The proper presentation would have been as follows:

There is an ongoing debate as to whether industries that cause increased industrial pollution should be charged higher taxes. While some sectors support this suggestion, there are those who oppose it because they believe that there are alternative ways to deal with it. This essay will shed light on the discussion by presenting both points of view after which, my personal opinion regarding the topic will also be presented.

If you read through your essay, you will also see that you discussed only one point of view and they your personal opinion. Your personal opinion should not have taken the place of the second opinion discussion because your personal opinion is always meant, in this sort of discussion, to be the 3rd paragraph presentation in the body of paragraphs. So the format for the body paragraphs should be:

Body 1: 1st point of view
Body 2: send point of view
Body 3: Personal point of view
Conclusion

You will definitely lose major scoring points in the TA, C&C, and GRA sections of the essay because of your serious mistakes. You may not be able to garner a passing score with this sort of work.

Writing Feedback / Do the disadvantages of using e-mail surpass the advantages? [4]

Kavan, your response is inaccurate. This is a comparison of opinion discussion. Since you are being asked to weigh the advantage and disadvantage of the use of email, each paragraph should follow a specific presentation of information:

1. Disadvantage topic
2.supporting sentence
3. Advantage topic in relation to the disadvantage
4. Supporting reason
5. Example

Each paragraph, based on the method of discussion presented should be strongly represented in 5 sentences. That is to give space for an accurate comparison discussion with a fully developed presentation included. Right now, your essay doesn't really do that. You also quote "100000 lawsuits" in your essay. Where did that figure come from? That was researched information wasn't it? You won't be able to do research at the testing center. Don't fall into any habits while doing your practice tests, such as research from outside sources, that you won't be able to do at the actual test center because you will be unable to function without the facilities you mistakenly got used to using during the practice runs.

Scholarship / Problem with water resources in Nigeria. Home Country Benefit Commonwealth [3]

Chuwuka., the scholarship application has too much focus on the back story and not enough focus on how the completion of the program will allow you to enact a doable series of projects to aid in the cleaning of the Nigerian water supply. All you present are talking points but there is no plan of action behind them. How do you plan to make contact with these specific organizations upon your completion of this program in order to begin your plans for water system rehabilitation? Don't focus on the state of the water supply and the lack of government action regarding it. Work that presentation into your detailed post graduation plan instead. Or, you can slip some of the government inabilities into your discussion of your study plan. Revise the content of the essay to be more about you and less about the government plan. Sure it is important to discuss the government projects with regards to fixing the problem. That's why you have to highlight how your studies and plans will work to highlight solutions to the government plans. That way, the benefit to your home country will be extremely clear. Your 4th paragraph doesn't make any sense by the way. How exactly does the university accomplish what you imply? I believe it would be better to omit that paragraph if you are unable to fully develop that discussion beyond the talking points you mentioned.

Graduate / "Find what you love and love it deeply" - Public administration statement of purpose [3]

Valentina, your statement of purpose actually lacks a purpose because you did not focus on a proper academic and professional discussion that would have done that for this essay. The purpose of the essay is not about your passion for your work. That falls under your motivation. The purpose, for all intents and purposes, asks you to address a particular situation that you feel needs resolving in Ghana in the field of Public administration. Therefore, the discussion should focus on the foundation of your interests as a college student, along with a related thesis or internship discussion. A relevant thesis discussion would be more appropriate in this instance because public administration needs to be see from an early interest stand point. What particular public administration problem in Ghana do you hope to address upon the completion of this course? Why is it important to you that this problem be resolved? How will the lessons you learn in the course be applied to the problem?

Your father's statement, as well as the portion about the Grand Canyon are misplaced in this essay. These are irrelevant discussions not related to the purpose of your study. If part of your study purpose is to become an tourist in American then let me tell you now, you will not get admitted into the university for any reason. As for the reference to the university, you don't really showcase a personal purpose for your choice other than what you researched on the internet. With regards to the reference to particular professors, if you are not attending this program under a mentor program, mentioning these professors will not be useful to your essay either. You could however, mention these professors in reference to your university choice as a manner of having been inspired by their work and hoping to be trained in their mold as the reason for your university choice.

Writing Feedback / It is only a matter of time before teachers are replaced by technology in the classroom. [3]

Hoang, while you wrote a pretty good essay here. I am not going to applaud your work for accuracy or relevance. That is because you failed to present the original prompt for the discussion which was supposed to help me review your essay for the overall scoring requirements, specially in the Task Accuracy portion of the essay. That is why I do not believe that this work can be considered well written nor relevant to the topic. When you fail to give the contributors and the users here the instructions for the essay, you do not allow us to properly help you improve your problem points because we are unable to spot what the problems in your work are. What I can tell you with confidence though, is that all of your paragraph presentations remain little developed in terms of discussion and as such, will not get a full scoring consideration for the C&C section of the scoring. This will definitely limit your ability to be able to get a higher than average, if all, passing score for your work. Remember, post the complete prompt the next time you ask for a review so that you can receive more accurate reviews of your work.

Writing Feedback / Technological advances significantly change the way we live, which includes communication [5]

Mguyan, this is a singular opinion essay. You discussed it as a multiple opinion essay instead. So you did not understand the prompt instructions which means you will get a very low TA score for this essay. You also did not properly represent the thesis statement as a positive or negative result of technology in the modern day relationship discussion. All of these mistakes in the first paragraph of the essay lead to the improper discussion in the succeeding paragraphs. Since you did not appropriately discuss the essay, in the single point of view manner that was required, your somewhat strong discussion became void. When you do not discuss the essay in the way that the topic instruction dictates, you will get a tangential score response, which, depending upon the other elements of your presentation and the score that the remaining 3 sections receive, could result in a barely passing or totally failed test score for you.

Undergraduate / Studying a new yet similar branch to my previous one - motivation letter [4]

Mohammed, since I advised you to keep the letter down to the more appropriate 4 paragraphs, it would be best if you write a new letter instead. In the new letter, you may represent a focus on the 4 important / required elements in any order you want to represent it. It doesn't have to be in chronological order. The reason why it would be better if you just write a new letter is simple. It is easier to include the required elements in a new setting rather than forcing the old set up to meet the new requirements. While you did represent some of the elements in the current version of your motivation letter, it is not represented in the appropriate manner as the current version includes many unnecessary elements that the visa officer does not require not has any interest in learning. Stick to the academic focus of the discussion, how it relates to your professional interests, and how it will help you get started in your career upon your return to Syria. That is all that is required.

Undergraduate / Studying a new yet similar branch to my previous one - motivation letter [4]

Mohammed, a motivation letter is something that deals with the reasons why you wish to pursue a particular course in a particular university, in a specific country. So the elements of the motivation letter are as follows:

1. The basis of your personal and academic desire to excel in the field (the two are connected)
2. The reasons why you chose to study in Germany
3. What motivating factors made you choose this course and university in particular.
4. Your plans for your future employment in Syria as your motivating factor to return home after completing the course.

Reword your opening paragraph to indicate the development of your interest in computer science from the time you entered high school. Do not say "childhood" because children do not have the capacity to ambition for a career in the same way that a high school student does. Most of all, reviewers do not believe any statement that starts with "My interest stemmed from my childhood." That is the period of birth to 12 years old in most instances and as such, a child is not yet well informed about the need to have an ambition in life. It doesn't fly and the consular officer will not believe it.

You only need 4 paragraphs for this type of motivation letter and I spelled out the paragraph content for every section above. Use that as your guide. For the basis of your academic desire to excel in this field, use the story about Syria now lacking in professionals to work in this industry as the academic and personal motivating factor.

Writing Feedback / The average number of Vietnamese students studying in France, Russia and America between 2000 [3]

Huong, since this is a task 1 essay, I need to see the illustration yo were provided for the writing of the essay. I need to be able to compare your work with the original prompt and the information in the chart. Without it, I cannot continue to advise you regarding the problem points and strong points of your essay. While the presentation of your essay seems complete, I cannot be assured of the accuracy of the statements that you made. So this essay that you wrote is basically useless as a practice essay. All because you did not provide the image for our review. It is impossible to grant you a definitive review unless I can see what I am supposed to be reviewing for you. Sorry about that. Just remember to upload the image with your text the next time you come here for a practice essay test review.

Writing Feedback / Teleworking should be adopted ?!? [4]

Bui, the essay will lose major points for not following the correct discussion format within your presentation. Since you said that you totally disagree with one side of the discussion, this should not have been discussed in a comparison opinion format. Rather, it should have represented only a single opinion as that is what you stated within your opening paraphrase. Had you said that you "partially" disagreed, then you could have used this current discussion format. The way you should discuss the opinion essay all depends upon the wording of the paragraph. Once the wording is wrong, you end up losing points considerations in the TA section, which is half the total score of the essay.

Your formatting is also off. We need a total of 5 paragraphs in this essay task. An opening, 3 body paragraphs, and a conclusion. No paragraph should be less than 3 nor more than 5 sentences. You must also bear in mind that in order to gain a higher C&C score, a one topic per paragraph discussion should be implemented on your part. The examiner will be scoring you on the completeness of your explanation, not the number of reasons presented as under developed talking points in a paragraph. If the supporting discussions are weak, you cannot expect to get a high score in that bracket for scoring.

By the way, your opening paraphrase needs work. You did not appropriately represent the restatement of the prompt as you began an immediate discussion of the topic. Something that is only done in a direct question essay, and after a proper retelling of the prompt discussion in your own words. Look over the examples of these "emotional" response essays here. Learn from their mistakes and apply the advice to your future writing. You do show a potential to become a good essay writer, the problem, is that you are not yet familiar with the various Task 2 essay discussion types. I urge you to familiarize yourself with the various types and how to discuss them in order to avoid making the same mistakes over and over again in your practice response presentations.

Scholarship / Human resource development needs organisation, choice of proposed course and institution [3]

TM, if you can revise the first prompt response to be more focused on the "human resource development needs" of your country instead of a lengthy explanation of the situation of agriculture in your country, then the response will be more appropriate for the question. Explain the problems that the undergraduate employees have in dealing with the advanced problems of the sector first. Then narrate how you plan to help with a transfer of knowledge upon your return in order to address the HR needs of the sector.

Paragraph 2 suffers from a case of too much information. The first half is totally unrequired by the prompt. Only the second paragraph, which directly responds to the question should remain as the focused response to the question. If you have available word count, then expand a bit upon that response to add more reasons as to your choice of course and institution.

Undergraduate / Tell us why you are interested in attending Mount Holyoke College. [3]

Hameeda, the only applicable paragraph in this version of the essay is the last paragraph that you wrote. That is the direct response to the prompt that works effectively to open the essay. Now, depending upon the maximum word count, you should consider expanding the statement by 2 or 3 paragraphs that explain how these small things drew you to the college. The idea behind this prompt is to prove to the reviewer that you are familiar with the university course offerings, community, and educational opportunities. You covered it in general form in the current last paragraph, build upon it so that you can convince the reviewer that though there was no "Eureka!" moment in your decision to seek admission to this college, you had some factors to consider in relation to that decision. Right now, the essay's first part isn't really useful and doesn't help to move the essay forward. Please consider it for the benefit of and the improvement of your statement presentation.