Graduate / "Accessibility" - Personal statement for MSc in HPPF in LSE [2]

Your discussion is heavily focused on the reasons why you want to study MSc in Public Health. You failed to properly develop an explanation in relation to why you chose the school and how it fits into your career objectives. This is a 4 paragraph essay that should be equally focused on the 3 discussion points (one per paragraph) and a convincing appeal paragraph at the end. Revise the essay to show an equal discussion presentation for each question. Do not over focus on a single topic because that is not the only consideration for the reviewers. Your reason for taking the course is only 1 part of a 3 part discussion consideration.

Scholarship / Digital and technology transformation - AAS application for MBA [3]

Your discussion about the schools should not include any rankings. You may discuss the university choices in relation to your course choice in any manner except rankings. That is because you are "profiling" the Australian universities, which does not sit well with the reviewers. As far as they are concerned, their universities all have the same ranking since you, a foreigner, wishes to come to their country, on their dime as a scholar, to study at their educational institutions. No preferences on your end. That is not going to be considered by the review committee. Discuss each university based on merit, not ranking or personal preferences. The merit is based on how each university training program and course will help your career move forward by educating you regarding your shortcomings in your field of work at the moment. So no saying "The best MBA program" or "my second preference". Your "preference" will be obvious based on your knowledge of the program offering and excitement when discussing the program you have chosen to study. The mere listing you present the universities in the essay will already signal the reviewer as to your first and second choices. No need to be direct about it.

Writing Feedback / Reasons to support the idea of having new teachers each year [3]

The mere fact that you wrote only 178 words assures that this presentation will not get a passing score. The minimum word count is 250 words. Writing less than that number will result in severe percentage deductions in the TA section. The pre-scoring count for your essay, without considering the other scoring sections yet, will already be in the failing range. Once the collective errors are added up, in addition to the word count deductions, it will be difficult for you to get a passing score in the test.

It is better if you support your perspective with at least 2 reasons that you will be using for your topic discussion paragraphs. That is because the reasons you provide will help support the clarity of your opinion and create a thesis statement for your essay. A thesis statement is a must in all of the academic papers written in the UK and USA. Showing the examiner you understand the format of an UK or USA academic paper will help increase your scoring considerations based on TA accuracy.

Avoid using phrase fillers such as "first and foremost". These are well known phrases used to increase the word count, but not really add to the essence of the discussion. Always start off with the topic sentence instead. That is usually the rest of the presentation you have after the word filler. Be direct in all discussion presentations as these add to the clarity and coherence of your discussion. Always present a minimum of 3, maximum of 5 sentences per paragraph. That way you assure yourself of meeting the minimum word count.

The concluding summary should present the summary of previous discussion. By stating the topic, your opinion, and supporting reasons in 3 sentences, you will manage to further add to the clarity of your opinion and show that you are capable of discussing the same topic in a quick but informative manner, as if you were doing a graded recitation in class.

Writing Feedback / Why is cycling not popular in many places? And how to increase its popularity? [2]

You are being asked 2 direct questions at the end of the original prompt. You are required to give a direct response to each question as these constitute your discussion body and thesis statement. There is no clear response given to the questions which means that you are not really sure of your opinion and how to discuss it. It is best to always present the discussion responses as these are scored as a part of the TA section of your final score. Single sentence response that incorporate the original question in the response helps to move the essay forward, describing the instructions that were provided, won't help your score. The examiner already knows what the questions are, he is expecting to read your response to the questions in a format that tells him what to expect in the discussion paragraphs. You don't need to discuss the responses, just give the examiner an idea of how relevant your response might be to the question provided.

Learn to use transition sentences within your paragraphs. Your discussion points are good, but not really related to one another. A transition sentence will help your Coherence score as it will create a bridge, commonality, and discussion connection between the 2 otherwise unrelated points. For example:

... time budget. Then, there is the question of discomfortt during travel time. Cars have air conditioners to keep the traveler cool during hot days, bicycles do not...

The addition of the transition sentence creates the cohesiveness the examiner will look for with regards to the relationship between your reasoning topics.

Writing Feedback / The maps below show the development of a particular area from 1965 to the present day [3]

Your summary overview is incorrect. It must give a description and identification of the images being provided. You are not giving the description of the previous plan, which resulted in a major change in the new plan. The major change represents the trending statement in this case. You have not really provided useful information in your summary. You are assuming that the reader has a copy of the image. The actual assumption is that the reader does not have a copy of the image so your report will be the only basis of a mental picture for the reader. You failed to do that in the first paragraph.

Writing Feedback / Nuclear energy is a better choice for meeting increasing demand, agree or disagree? [4]

Your overall approach to the discussion is incorrect. This is a single opinion essay based on an agree or disagree question. You are discussing it using an A/D format which shows that you misunderstood the question and discussion instructions. You are using an incorrect discussion format which will result in a failing TA score. Then, in the conclusion, you used a measured extent response to close the essay rather than a proper summary conclusion format. An additional reason as to why this essay cannot achieve a passing score.

When the question is Agree/Disagree, you have to decide on your opinion of the topic provided, based on included reasons, then pick an opinion that you will defend based on a personal understanding of additional reasons. You cannot change the discussion format to one that you have chosen because that is a prompt deviation and will always result in a failing score cue to questionable English comprehension skills.

Writing Feedback / These days, in many countries, fewer and fewer people want to become teachers in secondary schools [3]

The first sentence is a run-on. Try to limit your sentences to a true mix of simple and complex presentations. the constant use of commas in a presentation results in a run-on which will cause GRA deductions in your score. There is a need for a proper thesis statement in the last part which will offer a response to the question, while also allowing the reader to understand what question you were asked and responded to. It is not enough to simply repeat the instructions in that section. In an actual academic paper, you will need to be able to properly cite your case, reasons, and solutions. That is what the examiner is looking for. Evidence that you know how to write in the UK and US academic standards.

Disclaimer: The advice given herein is based on the assumption that the student has not read nor consulted with other online test tutors. Advice is given based on teaching methods of the Essay Forum Educational Consultant. Students who have read or taken advice from other test tutors are not welcome !! You are warned not to pit tutoring sites against each other !!! MENTIONING / ADVERTISING OF OTHER TUTORING SITES = ACOUNT BANNING !!!

Writing Feedback / Funds for system that provides people with various kinds of transportation to commute [2]

Your discussion is short by 2 words of the minimum 250 word count. There will still be a minimal percentage deduction for the missing 2 words. I know, it is only 2 words but deductions will still be applied to your TA score, aside from the main deduction to that scoring section.

The main deduction, that will be based on your discussion not being in relation to the given prompt is the way that you discussed the essay. There is a prompt deviation as the prompt indicated:

OP: To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
R: From my perspective, the fiscal budget carries no responsibility to fund public transportation.

So the essay will definitely not get a passing TA score, which will most likely result in an overall failing score. Your essay cannot be scored properly in the remaining considerations due to the fact that your essay does not meet the minimum discussion requirements based on word count and discussion instructions.

Scholarship / AAS - Choosing MBA will be the most proper course for me to learn how to be a great leader [3]

The discussion you have provided is good but limited. You have shown your personal reasons for wishing to complete an MBA and you have offered one university choice for your course completion. However, the scholarship requires that you present 2 university and course choices for the scholarship. Try to incorporate your first 2 paragraphs to create a more concise personal and academic reason for your course choice. Then offer one paragraph each for the university and specific course choices at the university. You may opt for the same course at different universities, using 2 different reasons for the university choices or, different course choices at different universities with specific reasons per course. That way you will be able to show that you truly considered all of the possibilities in achieving your masters course certification.

Scholarship / Social sciences - AAS Supporting Statement for LLM Study in Australia [5]

There is normally a 2 year work experience requirement for masters course students. It appears you do not have the work experience required yet. However, that is not to say that you cannot directly apply for the essay as some give leeway or exceptions for certain courses and students. I have to consider though, that your explanation is quite elementary and does not truly warrant the need for a masters course. Even if the job you currently have requires it. Why is that? There is a lack of professional justification for your course interest and need to study abroad. Why can't you study the same course in your country instead? Why did you opt for Australia and these universities? The most important aspects of the discussion are not well developed in this presentation. There is a lack of professional application, career improvement goals, and personal development representation in the discussion. You also need to further expand the course and university discussion per course and university choice.

Scholarship / Essay for Australia award scholarship (master of finance) Why proposed course prompt [4]

You are discussing a personal statement that is not directly related to the prompt being provided. The only question you have to answer is "Why this course? Why at this university?" Answer that question twice based on 2 course and university choices as required by the scholarship application. You responded to the professional reason in the first paragraph. That helps inform the reviewer. However, your educational background is not required information in this prompt and does not help the reviewer understand why you truly chose to study in Australia. The essay response, though long enough, does not provide the required information and as such, could result in the disqualification of your application. Your second course choice does not show a career interest or development. It is little discussed unlike the previous course choice. Remove all of the unnecessary discussion points and just focus on the actual point of discussion in your presentation.

Scholarship / "Upon completing my postgraduate degree in the UK......" - Commonwealth Scholarship Impact Statement [2]

You are speaking of research you will have done as a student. The prompt actually requires a description of the actual implementation of a specific program that will be based on your newly acquired knowledge and skills from your graduate studies. While you do have an admirable outcome in mind for your research project (again, this should be a more solid and viable application within your workplace), you failed to deliver a clear timeline for your project. The timeline should have a breakdown of expected accomplishments in phases or per year basis. The beneficiaries you have indicated refer only to your country. It would be best to involve the UK and Commonwealth states in this reference as you are applying for a scholarship that has specific member countries. The more shareable your research or technology is, the better chance you will have consideration for the scholarship.

Scholarship / Essay about solving a challenge - AAS application for course in MBA [3]

You need to clarify what your role in the team was. Sure you were a leader, but what sort? Were you the lead supervisor? Did you have to report to someone higher? What were your duties and responsibilities? You do not make the importance of reorganizing the research center relevant. Of what importance was this department that it was imperative its records be better organized and more easily accessed? You do not cover what departments and other organizational heads were involved in this undertaking. You say "we" but do not refer with specifics and explanations to help address the "people or organizations you worked with" portion of the discussion.

Scholarship / Information Systems - supporting statement for AAS about choose proposed course and institution [4]

You have to lessen the information in the first paragraph to contain only the actual professional goal for your studies, not your academic background or employment history. From there, choose 2 universities and 2 courses or one university and 2 courses for your course and institution. There is an incorrect focus on your educational and work background in this essay. You have to build the second and third paragraphs in reference to the course/s and educational institution/s based on your actual career goals upon your return to your home country. Right now, you are also too focused on Covid-19 in the presentation. We will not always be in a pandemic state so a reference to preparations post pandemic in your profession may also help improve your proposed course and institution discussions.

Writing Feedback / Nowadays, not enough students choose science subjects in university in many countries. Explain why. [2]

I cannot continue to review this essay as it falls under the minimum word count. Out of 250 words, you have only provided a 225 word discussion. That means the full essay is going to be considered under developed and lacking in substance (coherence and clarity of discussion). There is no clear discussion path provided in response to the prompt questions in the restatement either. The lack of thesis representation made the paraphrase slightly confusing to read as the point of the discussion and your opinion are not clear to the reader. Like i said, It is difficult for me to accurately judge your ability to properly respond to the prompt due to the short word count. It would be better for you to practice writing within the minimum word count first to ensure that you will not receive word shortage penalties at the start of the essay scoring consideration. When you are short on the word count, it is often difficult to garner a passing score at the end.

Writing Feedback / Celebrity lives in the media - ( to what extent do u agree or disagree ) [2]

As this is an extent essay, your actual opinion must be presented in the paraphrasing section to help represent your thesis statement. In essence, the concluding paragraph that you wrote should be in the restatement section because it offers information the examiner is looking for:

- A clear opinion on the topic
- Reasons for your opinion
- A complete assessment of the discussion topic

Combined, these would all help to increase your TA score as your opinion will be immensely clear to the examiner. Always remember that you are first scored on the clarity of your opinion and understanding of the given topic before anything else.

It also appears that you have misunderstood the original topic for the discussion. Comparing it to the original prompt, I see the following response error:

OT: They have no right to complain when they feel the media are intruding on their privacy.
YT: I think the media should change their object and pay more attention to the ordinary people.

it would appear that there is a prompt deviation in your restatement. Since you did not provide the original prompt for this topic, I am basing this assumption on the commonly used prompt for this. Now, if you are responding to a different topic, then you should have included the original prompt for a more accurate review. As far as I can read, and as far as I know, your essay does not meet passing score guidelines.

Writing Feedback / Many believe that individuals can do little to improve the environment. There's nothing we can't do. [3]


- This sentence does not make any sense. How does this relate to information from the original prompt. You are not clear on the subject or intention of this sentence thus making it stressful for the reader to analyze. This will lower your GRA score.


- Another statement that does not make any sense. You could have ended the sentence at "enterprises can make difference" then offered a few reasons for the opinion rather than saying "reasons under." This leaves the reader questioning the reasons. Reasons such as? Reasons under what? Another cause for heavy GRA points deductions.

The main problem with your essay is in the clarity of your presentation. I can see evidence that you understood the prompt and what you are required to discuss. The problem, is that you are not properly translating your response from your mother tongue to English. That is why the sentence structures are all incorrect, unclear, and little developed. You have to practice thinking and writing in English rather than translating from your first language to your second language. That is the big reason why your essay will fail.

Scholarship / Petroleum Geoscience - Supporting statement for AAS about choose proposed course and institution [2]

Try to avoid ranking the schools as your first and second choices. You must appear to be interested and motivated to study in either school which the scholarship committee might approve for you to study at. Base your choice of the school and university on the relevance of the curriculum on your research. Discuss how the curriculum lends itself to educating you based on your career goals or research interests. It is the application of the studies that matter to the reviewer. While the mentor aspect is worth mentioning, you have to know that you may not have that professor as your mentor should you be chosen to attend that university. That is why it is better to not rank the universities and also, not mention specific professors you hope to study under. It appears that you are dictating your choice, rather than merely suggesting possible options for your scholarship studies.

Writing Feedback / People buy things such as books, air tickets and groceries on the internet [5]

While your discussion presentation is acceptable for the discussion, I feel that you could have done better by using the comparative format for the discussion. That means, offering a perceived disadvantage, then turning the tables and proving that it is actually a great advantage to the buyer. Try to consider the alternative discussion points since this could be considered a comparative essay. Advantage over disadvantage. Why do people think it is a disadvantage? How can you prove it is an advantage? That sort of discussion consideration can prove to clarify your opinion and support your discussion in a highly coherent and cohesive manner. Your first reasoning paragraph is good, but only personal in consideration. A general reference or public discussion point would have been more efficient in this case. The second reason tends to be a prompt deviation because it is not referring to the ease of shopping but rather, employment creation, which is not a consideration in the original prompt.

Scholarship / "Things are getting complicated..." - Personal Statement - Erasmus Mundus IMSISS Scholarship [2]

EM-IMSISS is a highly competitive scholarship to apply for. You have to understand that the applicants for this program have solid work experience and actual work related motivations, career goals, and constant localized training for their skills improvement. These are the aspects that are missing from your application, which probably contributed to your removal from the scholarship consideration. Your essay is too amateur and academic focused. The actual professional application of your studies do not really lend to a strong application. You cannot use the same information for your next application. You have to write a new application essay that will reflect the improvements you have undertaken with regards to your work experience and local training. By local training, I mean seminars, training sessions, skills improvement programs, and other similar programs that your company or facility might offer you. Skills and training that would help show a career direction and possibly, skills development that you can share with other scholars if you are awarded the scholarship during the next application season.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 Discussion - The study of food science and its preparation [2]

This is a 5 paragraph discussion essay. The format for the information presentation should be based on a 2 paragraph general discussion along with a single paragraph personal opinion. Based on the way that you framed your prompt restatement, you failed to accomplish the required discussion format presentation. Your thesis statement is based on a singular personal opinion as opposed to the 3 reasons presentation expectation. Your restatement should clearly state each public point of view before your supporting opinion for one of the two presentations.

While you wrote more than the required word count, the fact that you did not properly follow the discussion instruction means that your length did nothing for your score. It is useless to write an extremely long essay such as this, when it disregards the discussion requirement that the score will be based on. The essay focuses only on topic presentations but do not carry a clear explanation, with examples, of why these reasons should be considered proper for the discussion. There is a lack of clarity in the overall discussion presentation.

Writing Feedback / THE MIGRATION FROM RURAL AREA TO CITIES IS INCREASING [2]

You have made a serious error in the prompt restatement presentation. The instructions asks you to present a thesis statement based on reasons why there is a migration from rural areas to cities. You were also asked for methods that you believe can help to reverse the trend. Not only is your prompt restatement incomplete, as you only provided a repetition of the supposed discussion instructions, but it is also incorrect as you assumed that you were to present the effects of the migration problem. The task was to discuss how to prevent further migration from the rural to urban areas. As such, your task representation will lose points for prompt alteration.

Then, you also have a repeated problem in your sentence structures that show an incorrect understanding of how to use punctuation marks. Punctuation marks as used individually, never successively. So, by using both a comma and ellipses one after another, without any discussion ideas in-between, you have violated sentence structure rules and will definitely have a greatly reduced GRA score. These 2 errors could result in a final failing score as your essay focused on length, rather than properly discussing, developing reasons, and offering completely developed thoughts per topic in each paragraph.

It will not be possible for you to write 408 words during the actual test. That is because you need to allot at least 10 minutes of the 40 minute writing task to the editing, proofreading, and finalization of your response discussion. You need to clearly explain your discussion points, not just keep on typing hoping that the word count, rather than quality of your writing will help you pass the test. Long essays always result in failing score errors. The longer the essay, the more prone your writing will be to LR and GRA errors.

Research Papers / Draft of research paper/persuasive essay on how to define success as a foster youth [2]

In the opening presentation, you were aiming to create a comparison between high school graduate from a family and, a high school graduate in foster care. However, that is not very clear due to the lack of a connecting sentence. A transition that would bridge the presentation points through a solid comparison task. Something that would clearly indicate the differences between the two. However, I do not believe that is necessary because, even without the reference to the non-foster system, the introduction already works. It is already of interest to the reader. You can lose the first sentence in this case. That creates a weak point for the thesis statement.

In the second paragraph, maybe you should focus first on why the foster children do not manage to complete an education. Remember that foster children are still registered in school and are expected to attend academic improvement or skills training programs while a ward of the state. You make the state appear to be heartless and remiss in the second paragraph. As if they do not do anything to assist in the preparation of the aging out of the child. You must make a clear reference to the role of the foster care system in the development of the a child academically, leading up to his emancipation at the age of 18. Only then can you use the circumstances paragraph to balance out the discussion.

Another main weakness that I can see is that you are only portraying the negative side of social services in the picture. You make it appear like there are no preparations made prior to the aging out a child. Surely the child knows the rules for when one turns 18 so the child, based on the help of the assigned social worker should be able to make at least simple preparations for this upcoming change. The question that the essay fails to ask and respond to becomes, "Why do the foster children fail to prepare for separation at the age of 18-21?".

Your discussion opens up a serious and little acknowledge topic to the reader. However, the approach is incomplete as the thesis statement is wide in reach and does not only focus on the psychological aspect of the discussion. Perhaps a narrowed down presentation focusing only on play therapy discussion points would help correct that.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 1: the estimated oil capacity of six countries, in millions of barrels per day. [3]

You should be writing only 175-190 words for this essay. Writing over 200 words brings you nearer to the Task 2 writing guidelines and time limitation. I am worried you will not be able to write and revise this many words within 20 minutes. You have to leave at least 5 minutes for the editing of your draft prior to submission. Please remember that next time and try to stay within a short, rather than long presentation instead.

Excellent work on the summary overview. You have given enough and correct information for the reader to be able to develop a mental picture of the original image. That is the aim of the summary overview and you delivered it without question.

The overall presentation delivers a good mix of simple and complex sentences. The punctuation mark usage is correct throughout and the comparison points are on point. This is basically one of the better developed presentations of this task that I have seen at this forum. However, you should not pat yourself on the back just yet. You still need to learn to present the information in a succinct manner. That will help you present an even easier to read, understand, and remember presentation that will not cut into the Task 2 writing time or go overboard with the word count.

Scholarship / Social sciences - AAS Supporting Statement for LLM Study in Australia [5]

The first paragraph is not necessary as it does not focus on how the proposed course will help your career advancement. The second paragraph does a better job at doing that. Consider using the second paragraph as the basis for the career advancement explanation. Move forward from that explanation by explaining what specific courses you will be studying that will directly relate to that contribution / career advancement. Connect your studies with career progress. The first paragraph does not lend to this intention as you are instead discussing the opinion of your co-faculty members and the possible job openings at the university you teach at. That is irrelevant. The second paragraph gives a more direct and clear idea of your career path going forward after you complete the course.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS WRITING TASK 2] In some countries, young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year [3]

This is an unnecessarily long essay that fails to deliver on 2 specific points:
- A proper word count of 250-290 words within 40 minutes
- Properly developed and clear topic developments in each paragraph

In the prompt restatement, you changed the discussion instructions by indicating that you will be providing a conclusion / opinion in the essay. That is a prompt deviation which will immediately lower your task accuracy score because the original instruction was to only discuss the advantage and disadvantage, nowhere in the original presentation were you asked to present your own opinion or come to a conclusion about the discussion. You will receive point deductions and word count deductions for references to this incorrect discussion prompt.

In the Advantage reasoning paragraph. The first idea is well represented and explained. It would have helped you get a high C&C score if you had not added the incompletely discussed second reasoning. You were asked to present only one advantage in the prompt, the second one is a throw away. That is why it became under developed. You are not scored on the amount of information you know. The score comes from the clarity of the information that you know, even if it is only based on one representative topic.

Your disadvantages discussion is also composed of little developed ideas in the presentation. You are only presenting reasons, but failing to explain them in a convincing manner. So the first 2 sentences had potential, then you failed to build on it. The next presentation did not even relate to the first discussion point so that only confused the reader, causing a lower C&C score for this presentation.

Scholarship / PERSONAL STATEMENT FOR USEFP SEMESTER EXCHANGE PROGRAM [2]

As a draft, this is an essay that has potential and nothing more due to under development of the idea presentations. It appears that you are not even trying to comprehensively respond to each topic you are asked to justify in the essay. These information does not give any data that can be considered notable and of importance to your application. You are not even trying to actually impress the reviewer with your responses. If you are not serious about your application, then don't waste your time writing the personal statement. You are not going to get the chance you think you can have by being halfhearted in your application. There are more serious, dedicated, and deserving applicants than you. This essay was a complete and total waste of your time ( writing it) and my time (reviewing it).

Graduate / MOTIVATION LETTER ABOUT FLUID MECHANICS [2]

This is a personal statement. It contains information that shows the development of your interest in Fluid Mechanics. It does not show the actual motivation for your interest in the masters course. You are reaching too far with the reference to Falcon 9, among others. Lower your discussion to the immediate application of this masters course as one of the major motivations for your desire to gain advanced training in this field of specialization. It appears that you are trying to throw in all of the information you think should be included, but actually should be in the career goals and purpose essays. Now, this observation is based on the general rule for writing a motivational statement which are:

- To prove an academic need to gain advanced training in the filed
- The professional necessity that propels you to gain advanced technical knowledge or training

Proving that there is an imperative need for your academic and professional advancement will be the most appropriate motivational presentation in this case. Inclusive to this discussion will be the academic goals that you feel align with the course program the university is offering. It is important that you show how the university courses have motivated your academic interests. You do make reference to this in the essay, but it is incomplete and needs further development.

Scholarship / Why I choose to study the bachelor of commerce majoring in economics? Australian Awards Scholarship [5]

Try to choose 2 universities and courses for this essay. It will give you a better chance of being considered for the scholarship. For the proposed undergraduate course and major, you need to prove that these course choices will make you employable in your country upon your return. Referring to fulfilling a gap in the professional field or a government program you hope to help fulfill would help your application. Try to represent a personal and professional interest in the presentation. More importantly, ensure that you will be able to prove that you will become a future leader in your country once you begin working there after you graduate. The scholarship wants to be sure that they train future leader in the country. The problem, is that I do not get a sense of that in this presentation.

Another way you can prove the usability of your course choice is by showing that you are already participating in activities that are relevant in terms of exposure and training to your major field of interest. Rather than just relying on deeper insight, prove that you have a basic understanding of what the major you have chosen is about due to relevant activities and pre undergraduate training.

The university choices need to be based on your overall development: academically, personally, and socially. Each university has a unique way of helping their foreign students develop these aspects during their time as a student. Consider discussing these as a part of your reason for choosing a university, but avoid making yourself sound like a person who wants to win the scholarship to become a long staying tourist in the country. Everything has to come full circle to your academic development.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Formal Letter: School renovation and volunteering [2]

The letter is unclear regarding the reason for your visit to the local school. Were you there as part of a volunteer organization? Perhaps you were a graduate of the school? There needs to be a reference that will give weight to your visit which, in turn, will enlighten the reader as to why you might volunteer to help renovate the school or perform other tasks.

Having daughters and nieces who have already attended the school, meaning they already graduated. So that is not a good reason to use since there is no direct relationship between you and the school anymore. In relation to that reference, rather than saying your "boyfriend", since you already have children, it would be better to say "my husband" or "my partner" as those are more adult and formal references to a person you have a relationship with while keeping his relation to the children vague in the letter.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Formal Letter: college cafeteria lunch [2]

The first sentence in the letter is too abrupt. You need to have a formal and cordial opening paragraph prior to declaring your problem with the cafeteria. Review the slant of the discussion presentation in the original prompt. Each prompt reflects the function of each paragraph. The first sentence you are using does not fall in line with the expected presentation format. There are 3 discussion paragraph topics required. There should be 3 discussion paragraphs provided in the body excluding the opening salutation ( Dear Sir or Madam) and concluding paragraph + closing salutation.

Make your attendance at the school more definite. Indicate your full name, student number, major, and year level of attendance at the university. This will help give weight to your concern and force the reader to take your letter seriously.

Writing Feedback / These days youngsters mimic among others their favourite sports personalities. [2]

You are being asked to respond to a direct question:

Question: Do you believe professional athletes make good role models for young people?
Expected response: I believe that paid sportspersons are exemplary / unacceptable idols for adolescents. I base my 2 opinions on 2 specific reasons namely....

Your response: Although sportspeople have rare characteristics that the youngsters need to follow, they should be aware of their effect on youth's life.

Your response is a prompt deviation which resulted in an incorrect topic discussion. Hence, this essay will not be able to get a passing score because the topic being discussed is unrelated to the prompt requirements.

Scholarship / International law - AAS Supporting Statement for LL.M. Study in Australia [2]

You need to focus less on your background and interest development because you are applying for a masters degree scholarship already. You need to focus on your professional requirements behind the need to advance your studies. Since you previously mentioned that the masters course is the required element of your current job as an educator, then focus on the job requirements as the reason for your choosing the course. As for the universities, you need to highlight the differences between your choices. What makes the same course stand out as an offering at each university that interested you in seeking admission there? You cannot have equal interests in the courses offered because each university excels in a different field when it comes to teaching their masters students. This makes it sound like you are not really choosing universities, in no particular order, you just want to fulfill the university choice requirements with a total disregard of your academic goals and interests in relation to your professional goals.

Scholarship / Career in the academe - PERSONAL STATEMENT - GKSP MASTER'S DEGREE [2]

There are several aspects of the prompt that you fail to address. The most obvious missing theme is the motivation by which you apply for the program. A desire to continue your education is one thing, but that should not be mistaken for a motivation. The motivation needs to be represented clearly in the essay as a part of the career objectives. I do not understand if you are planning to go into a career change through these studies, if you plan to start your own television network, continue with your career in entertainment or what. This is nothing more than an academic biography which does not provide all of the necessary information based on the prompt requirements.

Scholarship / Master of Economic Policy (MECPO) - MECPO AAS [2]

You need to have a focus beyond Covid - 19 to help make your desire to compelete this program more relevant. Bear in mind that Covid-19 is not a permanent economic state, social state, or state of mind. While you may refer to Covid 19 as a part of the reason for your interest, the discussion should also reflect an idea that you are looking forward to rebuilding your economy within a post Covd-19 world, also known as "The New Normal". How do you see your country emerging from the Covid - 19 situation economically? How will these studies help chart a new path based on your idea for the post Covid 19 economy of your country? How does your vision relate to your chose courses? Go beyond Covid - 19. You do not get extra points for focusing only on the economy under Covid - 19. That is a narrow minded way at looking at this career development opportunity. . Right now, you have a one track mind in the discussion, which shows a limited potential in your growth as a future economic influencer in your country.

Writing Feedback / The change in percentage of the population - IELTS Writing Task 1: Table [2]

Since you are trying to help the reader create a mental picture of this table, you should include the information description for the columns and rows provided as well. For the columns, there are the country and years covering 1988, 2000, and a projection for 2030. For the rows, the country's included in the consideration as Canada, Germany, and the UK. Such specific descriptions shows a true analysis and investigative look into the provided information that will help boost your TA score. Be precise with your country identification. A citizen of Germany is more commonly identified as a German, the country, as provided in the chart, is GERMANY. There is a big difference between the two references.

Scholarship / Supporting Statement for AAS: Why did you choose proposed course - Master of Education [3]

You can remove the reference to Covid-9 in the discussion since it is not a major factor in your discussion presentation and, it is also not a major factor when considering your scholarship application. Your other documents and the content of your essays will determine if you qualify or not. The mention of Covid - 19, which is being done by all the students shows how limited your view is of the way that scholarships run, thinking that only a single theme or topic, when mentioned, will make you a contender for the scholarship.

In truth, the essay you wrote, when based on the general educational outlook and trending references to innovative education carry more weight and shows a more analyzed reason for your application. You already show the reviewer that you have leadership ambitions for yourself in the presentation. However, the last paragraph, the reference to Australia in general does not really help your application. Rather, I believe that you should use the final paragraph to reiterate your ambition as a future educator who will utilize the opportunity to study in Australia to help modernize the educational system in your country. A comparison between the two educational systems and the main reason you hope to modernize it for the betterment of your future country leaders would increase the profile of your application.

Writing Feedback / A hobby or interest can change from time to time as a reflection of trends and fashions [2]

Your first reasoning paragraph is over explained. It is too wordy and forced you to write over 300 words, which, if you think of the things you need to do within the 40 minute time limit, you may not be able to complete. You need to be more direct with your explanations. A 5 sentence explanation composed of:

- Topic sentence
- Supporting reason
- Example to illustrate your point
- Additional explanation (optional)
- Transition sentence

would be more than sufficient to drive your point home. You are not writing a research paper, just a personal opinion so keep it short to avoid forced errors in your writing such as under developed second topics, GRA problems, C&C issues between the 2 topics in a single paragraph.

Science is an incorrect example to use in the second paragraph because science is based on an interest in studies, learning, experimentation, and intellectual development. It is not a hobby or interest that can change from time to time. It is because you did not portray a hobby or leisure activity in the second paragraph that your essay failed to deliver a convincing explanation. It is not convincing in the sense that the topic you chose to discuss does not fall under the suggested prompt topic.

Writing Feedback / Relationship Between Anxiety And Motivation in College [3]


- You lost me here. Who is the writer? What did he write? How is it relevant to your research? Maybe you overlooked the reference made in your notes when you wrote this draft?


-Who is she? What is her background in relevance to the discussion? What research was conducted and why? These are foundation points that you refer to prior to citing information from her research. Without it, the authority of her information becomes questionable and easy to ignore.

The rest of the presentation falls under purely cut and paste information. It does not contain a personal opinion or analysis of the information provided by each expert. The continued use of citations may also trigger a plagiarism warning once this essay is passed through a checker. Correct that section to include explanations or insights in lengths that would remove the possibility of the flagging.

Scholarship / Different cultures and lifestyles - PERSONAL STATEMENT FOR USEFP SEMESTER EXCHANGE PROGRAM [2]

The overall essay is extremely vague in reference. You need to be clearer in your presentation in terms of each prompt presentation. Your interests and personality for instance, should highlight your capacity as a future influencer and and leader in your Pakistani community. Remember that as an exchange student, your job is 2 fold, to influence the understanding of Pakistan in America and to champion the American point of view in Pakistan. These should come across in the depiction of your interests and personality.

Your academic objectives are unclear. Connect your objectives to a specific learning opportunity you hope to take advantage of during your time in the US. You do not portray yourself as a student who will greatly benefit from the opportunity to research and engage with an internationally diverse learning community in the United States. What special qualities as as a student and researcher can you bring to the country based on your interests? How would this be beneficial to the both countries in terms of information exchange? Consider these guide questions when revising the prompt to bring more clarity to the last 2 prompt discussion points as well.