Scholarship / Essay for AAS Scholarship: Why I choose supply chain management course [3]


This information leads to the question; what educational background and work experience has prepared you to begin and complete your studies in both chosen courses? Ensure that you highlight your preparedness to study either course and that your industry will truly benefit from your studying these courses. You have given the reasons why you chose these courses, in relation to course interests, but not in applicability to your career or the government programs / interests. Develop a relevant discussion that relates to the industry growth of EV's in your country. Applicability of the courses to the government programs and your previous education, as well as your currently developing or previously developed skills that directly relate to your new academic interests would really help your application.

Research Papers / How can military mental health services improve? [2]

Move the citation that is at the very opening of this essay to the second paragraph. It is never a good idea to kick off the thesis paragraph with an in-text citation. That makes it appear as if the essay is starting at the middle rather than opening a discussion proposal. Your writing counselor or adviser will definitely have you correct that error in the presentation. Create a more personally insightful thesis statement for the end of your thesis paragraph instead. In reality, you don't really offer a discussion proposal based on facts, figures, and information sources where these are expected, at the end of the thesis paragraph.

You need to offer a better discussion outline in your presentation. What is the main focus? What do you hope to prove? How do you believe you will prove that? What recommendations do you think you will be covering in the presentation? Why are these points important to the development of military mental health services? You already have the research and presentation completed, the problem isn't in those parts. Focus on the opening statement. That is the part that helps establish and direct the discussion in the succeeding paragraphs. Make sure that part works so that the rest of the essay be reviewed for content and relevance to the thesis statement instead.

Writing Feedback / A Level Media studies essay practice. [2]

You forgot to include the prompt for this essay. I assume that this is for the extended essay discussion right? I really would have been able to better help you if I knew what the discussion parameters were. Anyway. I believe that I can still help you, in a general form, with this presentation. I would like to call your attention to the discussion presentation as you currently have it.

You said that the topic has both positive and negative aspects. While I am clear on the negative aspects, I believe you did not really fulfill the positive discussion presentation. What you consider the positive aspect of the discussion was nothing more than a historical look at the development of communication and news dissemination through the various web incarnations. As such, you only informed about the progress of digital communication, but not the positive aspects of this practice.

There is also this reference in the presentation that, due to inappropriate sentence formation, left you with a hanging sentence rather than a complete thought. What exactly were you trying to say when you wrote:


The source of the information should come before the actual information. That way you do not seem like you presented one set of information, then another set, albeit incompletely.

Writing Feedback / The bar graph illustrates the change of sales of three entertainment categories worldwide [2]

Try to avoid writing extra long sentences. While you think that you are writing a comprehensive paper and analytics, you actual are not. That is because of the lack of clarity in your report. Every sentence must have one idea alone so as to allow the reader to understand your content. At this rate your extra long sentences just create several GRA errors in your presentation, incompletely developed paragraph explanations, and run - on sentences. You seem to misunderstand that long sentences do not automatically equate into a complex sentence. The sentence structures tend to be problematic as you are not focused on information clarity and sentence coherence.

I teach my students that proper outlining, drafting, and sentence limitations of 5 sentences within 3 paragraphs offer a better scoring potential than 4 separate paragraphs of less than 3 sentences. Those are usually the more problematic presentations due to lack of paragraph coherence and cohesiveness.

I am not sure if you are willing to change your writing style to the one I teach, but my students never score less than a 7.5 using my methods. The choice is yours. I cannot continue to teach you if you do not adjust to my writing style. If you prefer to keep your current method, then please have your essays reviewed by your previous tutor. I cannot help you learn and improve your scores using someone else's writing style.

Research Papers / Looking for Review of My Essay on Maker Communities and Technology [2]


Please provide more clarity in this particular sentence. The sentence structure is incorrect and therefore does not make too much sense to the reader. You should 1st mention the maker community before providing information that the data to explain the phenomenon is based on that terminology.


You have mentioned in the history of the maker community that it has been in existence for over 500 years. This definition will be better understood by the reader if you offer a historical perspective on the word prior to the definition. Based on the historical aspect of a maker community, how would you say that the maker community came to be. What is the background of the maker community ? Why did it become necessary to develop a maker community ? Prior to its modern definition, what would you say the historical definition of a maker community was? Would you say that the historical definition carries over to modern times?


You present this as a given fact. What evidence supports this assumption?

There are aspects of this presentation where you have successive in text citations, However you fail to develop a personal understanding and explanation for the citations. So these citations come across more as just a cut and paste word filler in the essay rather than something that made a significant impact on your understanding of the term you are trying to discuss. It is important that you give an insight regarding the citations in order to prove that you did not merely use the words of someone else as presentations for the benefit of your paper. Additionally, It is better for your research to limit the number of citations per paragraph. Professors and teachers are normally not impressed by students who rely on citations in every paragraph. This is often viewed as a lazy way to complete a research document.

* Limited review given. The length and complexity of the research requires private review services. Please contact us at essayforum.com@gmail.com for comprehensive review services.

Writing Feedback / You bought a new HD television last week. At first it seemed to work. Letter. [3]


What is the name of the online store you bought the TV from?


If you did not purchase other items together with the TV, then you should not say "it includes" since it is a single item purchase.


This is unnecessary data with regards to your purchase. Simply indicate your receipt number and that you are attaching a copy of it.

The most common problem throughout your presentation is in reference to lexical resources. Word usage on your part is often incorrect for descriptive terms such as installments rather than hours of use, mechanical repair in reference to technical repair, to name but a few errors in your presentation. These will definitely have a lowering effect on your overall score. Particularly, in the GRA and LR sections. You need to familiarize yourself with English word usage and defintions because, when you use incorrect terms, this causes undue stress for the reader. As such, the affected scoring sections could get a failing score and prevent you from reaching the passing base score in the end.

Scholarship / Practical examples on how I will use my knowledge - AAS (Master of International Trade) [2]

The constraint that you present must coincide with the solutions and help that the courses you will be studying will contribute to your community or the business that you are participating in. You have to remember that for every example that you give, there is always going to be a corresponding problem that you will have to overcome in order to succeed in doing what you plan to do. While you can retain the over all obstacle presentation that you have in the final paragraph, It would be better for your presentation to acknowledge every obstacle that you have to destroy in order to successfully use the knowledge that you have gained based on your examples.

You may opt to discuss any traditional mindset or business eccentricities that may prevent you from successfully implementing the programs that you hope will help improve the field or profession that you are a member of. Explain how your training, both theoretical and practical, along with your newly created network will be able to help you establish more useful programs in the business. Make the reader believe that you're additional studies and practical experience will help you successfully defeat the obstacles in your path.

Writing Feedback / Family units - Is this a positive or negative trend? [2]

Your paraphrasing is way off base. It isn't an accurate representation of the original theme and reasons that support the discussion. Your own thesis statement in response to the question is confusing and fails to make a clear point or deliver an understandable opinion. Refer to this specific comparison in reference to the error.

OQ: Is this a positive or negative trend?
Response: I believe that the pervasiveness of this issue confers many societal and personal benefits, albeit some considerable repercussions.
Proper Response: This situation lends itself to drawbacks due to certain reasons.

Do not create complicated sentence presentations by stringing together Intellectual sounding words that do not make sense to the native English speaker. Rather than improving the LR, C&C, and GRA score, such a presentation can result in a failing overall score. This is due the stress of trying to understand what you are trying to say, the use of unnatural sounding words, and confusion with regards to the clarity of your thought process. You are trying too hard to make a good impression in a negative way. This task has to be written in an academic but conversational tone. That means, you should use everyday conversational English words to make your point.

The reason that this essay will fail though, is because of your failure to give a clear singular opinion in relation to the topic, accompanied by 2 supporting reasons in individual paragraphs.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2 - the issue of international communication [2]

Do not alter the original theme of the discussion. The first paragraph of the task 2 essay always portrays your understanding and rendition of the original presentation. That paragraph should highlight your English comprehension skills only, it is not the part of the presentation where your reasoning discussion starts. As such, it should not contain any reference to a proven opinion, as you did in the first sentence. Such information is seen as altering the original presentation content and discussion intention. In the 1st paragraph you failed to directly respond to the question posed as well. That direct response would have set the tone for your discuss prior to the reasoning sentence topic presents. While the paraphrase was not off to a great start, it did show your comprehensive skills in relation to the discuss required. Next time avoid over statements and try to respond to the direct question before giving your thesis statement.

You also have a tendency to not fully develop your explanations in relation to one another. This occured in the 2nd paragraph where you stated 2 topic sentences, without fully providing reasons and related examples. This paragraph would have also lowered your c&c score because of the missing discussion development. By the way, this is only a 4 paragraphs essay, not 5 paragraphs. The original prompt clearly stated a 2 paragraph reasoning presentation. You would have garnered a higher score if you focused on the explanation development of 2 separate reasons when compared to several discussion paragraphs that fail to meet scoring requirements.

Writing Feedback / Fossil fuel is the main source of energy. Encouragement the use of alternative sources. [2]

This essay is not going to achieve a passing score in an actual test. That is because the TA score will receive a severe percentage penalty for not having met the minimum word requirements. You have written 233 words for a 250 word minimum essay. Normally, when the TA score receives the word penalty at the very start, it becomes extremely difficult for the exam taker to make up the score in the succeeding sections due to additional penalties as found within the presentation.

Then there is the problem of your failure to properly fomat the paper based on the given discussion requirement. The presentation was supposed to be of an extent essay based on the question: To what extent do you think this is a positive or negative development? Additional deductions will be provided by your improper sentence formatting. You failed to capitalize the first letter of every new sentence in at least 2 paragraphs. This will result in direct deductions to your TA score.

Overall, the improper paragraph structuring, lack of proper grammar usage, and the less than minimum word count will all combine to result in a final failing score for this type of presentation.

Scholarship / Why Master of Governance and Public Policy at the University of Queensland? AAS Application 2021 [3]

Presenting your work credentials in the second paragraph is a good move. Adding any relevant undergraduate courses and work training in relation to your academic and period objectives would help further highlight your relevant skills and knowledge. The problem, it's that the problems you discuss in that paragraph are more relevant to the practical examples and obstacles essay. Delete those prortions in this essay and use it in the prompt I earlier specified instead.

The discussion of the course and university choices sounds like you just took it from the website. Develop these as 2 separate paragraph instead. Each discuss must represent your reasons in choosing each course in relation to your academic goals and work task or work progression focus. Show that you have consider all aspects and chose the courses based on current and future work impact.

Writing Feedback / Government should focus on improving the economy or social services such as healthcare and education [2]

Your prompt restatement is incomplete as it represents only 1 of the 2 original discussion points. This removes the accuracy of your paraphrased presentation . The T A score is always based on the accuracy of your interpretation of the topic and provided public discussion points. There are always 2 public discussion topics provided.Both must be included in your representation statement prior to your opinion thesis statement that responds to the direct question. The discussion asked you which statement you agree with not which you disagree with.so the thesis statement is now incorrect.The single opinion in response to the - question should never be in the summary paragraph as you will fail to fully develop the supporting reasons then. Remember,always give a clear opinion in response then follow up with supporting reasons. Use the provided response format:

I completely agree that... due to specific reasons.These reasons are ...

Do not use a contrasting presentation since this a single opinion essay. How do you know it is a single opinion essay ? Look at the discussion content instructions :

Explain and provide examples to support your opinion.

That is the sentence that sets the tone for the 2 discussion paragraphs.all you have to do is use the indicated discussion format.

Research Papers / Reducing Social Determinants of Health on the Navajo Nation [2]

Consider providing a historical perspective of how the Navajo healthcare system came to be at the start of the presentation. The arguement that you present lacks historical data to explain why the national government cannot interfere with their healthcare system . These information will help the reader understand the root of the problem and provide a clearer understanding of the Navajo healthcare system works independently, while still being a part of the U. S . health department.

For those not familiar with the reasons why the Navajos are considered a nation rather than a state, a basic explanation will be needed . It appears to me that your paper has too broad a coverage to be discussed in arguement form . You still need to narrow down your topic focus to come up with an effective arguement. That is because the problem runs too deep in terms of history and errors in judgement on both sides.Maybe choose a more specific topic in relation to the Navajos that doesn't require too deep a backstory when it comes to arguements ?

*For specific review requirements,please contact us privately. Thank you.

Graduate / Earthquake engineering - study plan for visa application [2]

Your essay is good but falls a bit short of the actual information consideration for a Canadian student visa essay. This type of written interview is often difficult to balance. Let's see if I can help you do that.

You have not convincingly explained why you chose to study in Canada. Your significant educational background and work experience as a lecturer take up too much of the discussion.The reasons for your studies fail to represent a convincing and compelling decision to enroll in a Canadian university. What seismological ' achievements does Canada have that influenced your decision ? How does the university and masters course choice represent a significant ' aspect of studies for you ? Using the word " hopefully " in the presentation indicates a guess on your part.This represents uncertainty and unfamiliarity with the significance of all things Canada in relation to your significant study aspects.

Redirect the focus of your essay to represent the strong academic, social,and factors that led to your ullimate decision. Balance these points with your academic, personal, and professional background. The overall presentation should blend to create a strong " Why Canada ? " explanation. Ultimately, it is the first and second part of this presentation that requires heavy revision and editing.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2- final exam and continual assessment [3]

The prompt restatement still kept the use of the original keywords from the prompt. The words final exams and continious assessment should have been replaced to show your English vocabulary range. Acceptable replacements for final exams would have been closing semester test, last periodical quiz. For continious assessment - weekly quizzes, daily review questions, among other alternative references would have been acceptable . The overall essay is only slightly above the minimum word count which does not help to increase the overall scoring potential. Writing at least 275 words would be more ideal next time.The inclusion of a proper 2 sentence response here would have helped increase the TA score. An immediate topic presentation would have been beneficial to the clarity of your opinion based on your proposed discussion outline .

There are 2 discussion views presented in the instructions, the positive and negative. For immediate paragraph discussion and clarity, launch each paragraph with that reasoning sentence . The C and C score will increase that way . So rather than saying " On the one hand " , which doesn't tell the reader anything about the paragraph topic, say," One disadvantage is ", this clearly leading the reader into the paragraph topic.Then , opening the next paragraph with, " That is why there is clearly an advantage to ... " Such paragraph formatting lends itself to higher C and C scores due to the obvious connection of discussion points within paragraphs.

You show an understanding of the prompt in the discussions. However, better discussion formatting is required due to better scoring considerations.These improvements in word count and presentation can increase your final score.

Writing Feedback / How many enquiries received in three different ways - Summarize the information [2]

It appears that you have written too many words for this essay based an the time allotment of 20 minutes.It appears that this is only a draft copy rather than an edited, final presentation.This should not have more than 175 - 190 words in it when you factor in editing time and proofreading into the 20 minute time allowance.The reference to the line assessment could use clarity in the explanation as it is a bit confusing to follow for an ENL . Where does the comparison start ?

I am not sure where you got the 2011 reference year.It wasn't stated in the image. I hope that information was truly included in the image as inclusion of inaccurate data can affect certain scoring sections.

This is an acceptable draft that required grammar corrections and sentence editing in some parts for clarity. Final editing was required prior to submission.

Scholarship / Why I take master of agribusiness? AAS Aplication [4]

Your reasons as provided sound more like resume outlines instead of valid qualifications .You need to better explain your wwork experience in relation to the chosen courses. Perhaps provide a more detailed relationship or application of the courses to your professional future. Review the other essay prompts for the application and you will discover that you have accidentally included the discussion topics for those prompts in this essay. Topics such as your future goals and practical examples were accidentally included in this essay.

Remove the reference to university rankings in this presentalion as that isn't considered an important factor when choosing the university. The public ranking you read about is not a deciding factor for the review committee. Divide the university presentations into 2 paragraphs to allow the reviewer to gain a clear understanding of each discussion. Your explanations are a bit curt and could use further informational support. Do that after editing the portions that should not be included here. Just to be sure you remain within the word character requirements.

Writing Feedback / Ielts task 1. In chart: male and female, part-time and full-time education - ielts test exercise [2]

It is difficult for me to judge the accuracy of your report or the relevance of your tone in relation to the target audience due to the missing instructions and lack of image reference. You cannot receive a complete renew due tothese missing elements.However, & shall they to review your work as best as I can.

The summary overview does not deliver an accurate representation of the original presentation. What kind of chart was shown? What is the title of the chart ? How is it relevant to the highlightable information ? What is the overall purpose of the presentation ? These are presented in a confusing manner in the first paragraph . There is a lack of clarity in the presentation. You appear to have rushed through the writing of that draft, failing to edit it for clear information presentation in the end.

Though you did your best to directly present the obvious information in the presentation,the lack of information analysis based on the data you found shows a lack of proper data cause and effect study in the report . More comparisons and extended discussions would have resulted in a longer essay, focused on data analysis and allowing for higher overall scoring possibilities. Never write just the minimum word count.Try to deliver at least 175 words to earn better presentation possibilities and higher sectional scoring considerations.

* Limited review presentation. Contact me privately for scoring analysis.

Writing Feedback / How ethanol fuel is produced by corn [2]

Complete your image reference in relation to the diagram.There are several types of diagrams you could have referred to. Properly identifying the diagram in relation to the report would help show an increased English vocabulary, allowing for a better LR score. Remember that you are writing for a specific academic audience sothe use advanced academic words will be helpful to your score.

The task 1 essay requires a minimum of 3 paragraphs. While you have met the 150 minimum word requirement in this presentation, the presentation format is incorrect due to the required 3 paragraph presentation. This is an error that will affect the T A score. Now, due tothe lack of image in your presentation, I cannot advance with reviewing your essay. The image is a necessary tool for me to completely review your work and offer relevant observations and advice. Kindly remember to provide the image next time . That is, if you wish to receive further advice and corrections from me.

Writing Feedback / What factors contribute to teaching job satisfaction? Financial wellness and work atmosphere [2]

Kindly specify if you are reviewing for the IELTS test or just general English language writing to receive more appropriate observations of your work next time.Different reviews and advice apply to specific English language writing tasks.I want to be sure that I am I you an applicable review at all times. I'll use the IELTS task 2 remer - criteria for now as it appears to be applicable to your written task.

There is a minimum 250 wordcount for the task 2 essay. As this essay contains merely 220 words, word count percentage deductions will apply to the T A. section before any other deductions are applied to that test portion. This may result in a failing score for the most part of that section.. In which case, it may become difficult for you to recover enough scores in the other scoring aspects to overcome all the remaining presentation failures for you to geta passing score.

Your opening sentence is difficult to follow due to your run-on sentence. For clarity purposes, avoid presenting 2 ideas in one sentence. Use 2 sentences to represent 2 ideas to give a coherent restatement of the original presentation. This lack of clear explanation affected 3 scoring rubics: T.A., C and C, plus G R A. penalties will be applied across all 3 sections. Your preference for the use of run - on sentences are prevalent throughout the presentation paragraphs, making this the main problem and second highest source of scoring deductions in your essay. There also inconsistencies with your punctuation mark Usage. One sentence lacks a period at the end.

These observations indicate a high likelihood of your being unable to garner enough positive scores to be able to pass the test. Try to focus on presentation clarity and G RA adherence next time to increase your score. Don't rush your thought development too much. The clearer your explanations, the better developed your examples and opinions, the higher your scoring potential.

Graduate / Strategic Communication - Statement of Academic Purpose [2]

You do not present a clear purpose for your studies in relation to your existing skills.You are stopping short of giving truly detailed and informative explanations of the prompt requirements. You are discussing your credentials in relation to the course without specific skills and attributes that might make you a stand out applicant for this program. You have also failed to respond to several key aspects of the prompt. This is an ineffective draft that cannot be useful as an actual application essay.

* Limited review provided due to the pending private review inquiry of the O.P. Contact me privately for a more comprehensive review.

Graduate / In no more than 250 words, describe a real-life example of how strategic communication was used. [3]

The first thing you have to do is edit your presentation for content. Reduce your word usage by editing the unnecessary parts of the presentation. Why do you have to reduce the presentation ? The word limit is 250 words. You wrote almost 400 words in this presentation. You are basically talking too much and taking too long to get to the point. Review the content for unnecessary references, shorten the presentation wherever possible. Focus your writing on the required response immediately.The essay tends to represent more explanations with little accomplishments.

The explanation of how you used strategic communication is more important than why you think it is beneficial to your work, how you researched information, who helped you, etc. This is a word count focused response. Write it as such. Edit your essay based on the strong strategic communication skills you believe you have. Even in the long form version, your explanation is not strong enough to convince the reviewer that you have the skills to succeed in the course based on your understanding and use of strategic communication in your workplace. Be more convincing using less words.

Graduate / Data Science - [AAS Essay - class of 2021] Why did you choose your proposed course and institution? [2]

Develop the reasons why you chose the courses at these universities. Aside from the textbook information that you found online, I don't really see the connection with a specific workplace application or scenario. For example, the course at Melbourne University, how do you see that as helping you professionally ? Or, are you just going to be using that as an equivalency degree to help you qualify for better work opportunities in your new career ? Be more application specific in relation to the data you gathered online about the course.

With regards to the second course, describe some flexible learning options as it applies to your career change. Why is this significant for you on a personal or career level ? The reviewer will look for that relevance since you are applying based on a job shift focus.

You have to work harder on convincing the reviewer that professionally, the company will benefit from your skills retraining regardless of which course you end up enrolled in.

Writing Feedback / Essay about the sports sponsorships [2]

Make sure that you use a timer when you practice these writing test essays. Set it for 40 minutes then do the following:
- Analyze the topic based on a list of keywords and instructions
- Create 2 sections for the 2 reasoning discussions. List your related topics per paragraph.
- Draft your essay
- compare your content with the prompt requirements and discussion topics / instructions
- Ensure you covered the correct writing points. Revise accordingly.
- Review against the original prompt again. P roofread and apply the final edit.

Using the correct writing process for this test that focuses on clarity and prompt adherence with a chance to correct errors will show that you cannot write an almost 400 word essay in 40 minutes. Long essays do not help to increase your scoring ability overall. Rather, as your current writing shows, it creates a potential for you to make more scoring mistakes.

For example , the prompt paraphrasing needs to reflect the number of discussion topics as allowing you to restate these based on your understanding of the information.This is part of the T.A. score. The lack of this representation lowers that score due to an incomplete prompt restatement. You would have caught that I information if you reviewed the essay properly. Never go directly into a final version. Use an outline first to make sure you don't miss anything in your presentation.

To be clear, you have ample examples provided but that is all. The length of the essay does not provide a fully explained reason or example, which is what this test scores you on. Itis not the length that matters but the clarity, logic, and sense of your reasoning explanations. Just me, you can get a fantastic score with 275 words written and fail the test with 300+ words.

Letters / Formal Recomendation letter for an English teacher with great potential [2]


What program? More importantly, who is speaking? What professional relationship do the two of you have? For how long? What inclusive years?
The introduction of the credentials of the person recommending you carries weight when considering his opinion of you. The more important his roll on position, the better placed the person is to make the recommendation.

The letter itself requires professional editing due to poor and incorrect grammar usage. The reviewer will not take this recommendation seriously as the language errors make the letter sound highly unprofessional. It is also highly obvious, based on the provided information that the student wrote the letter making it a fake recommendation. That will be enough to ban you from applying for the same scholarship in the future.

Writing Feedback / The proportion of online sales in four types of products and services in Canada [2]


Actually, these are comparative sales based on half a decade sales presentations. Mention the comparison years early in the summary. Do not mention just one of the years since you indicated 2 images , both off which are given titles to help recognize, acknowledge, and differentiate the information presented. This presentation shows that you need to work on your analytical discussion presentation based on word usage.

For data clarity purposes , you should use the 2 paragraphs to present the information by year. That is because the way you have theinformation presented at the moment feels more like an extended trending statement than a data report. since you chosetodothe comparisontrending presentation in the summary, the writing tone and slant should changein the next 2 paragraphs based on the provided discussion analysis or representation. You may wish to extend each paragraph to 3-5 sentences so that the presentation tone can be better altered to represent another aspect of data analysis or comparison. The information ' does not follow a true complex sentence structure. Rather, the combined sentence ideas lack image data to help with clarity and lends itself moreto run-on sentence formatting.

Writing Feedback / Research essay - Are older people wiser than younger people? [2]


Explain how this is a mental/brain development and how it applies to maturity.


You are writing a formal academic paper, avoid informal writing tones and word usage. Contractions are unacceptable.


What exactly are you trying to say? Is this an accidental new sentence? Edit this presentation as it fails to connect with the previous discussion. Is this a question with the wrong punctuation mark?

Is this paper to be presented solely as a personal opinion price? There are sections that indicate being sourced from other material but lacks proper referencingin the paper. Kindy ensure proper citation formatting to avoid possible plagiarism problems once this is submitted.

The paper requires grammar and punctuation editing aside from proper in-text referencing. You may contact us privately for extra review and editing services if you wish to have the paper professionally cleaned up.

Writing Feedback / TASK 1 - the figure for households getting access to different kind of up-to-date home appliances [2]

The task 1 essay requires to summarize the information using less than 200 words. Representing the summarized and analyzed data within 175- 190 words willbe more than sufficient to help prove your English analytical and short reporting skills. Bear in mind that you are writing for an audience of professionals who have only a feew minutes to spare in reading your work. The more scannable your work, while keeping it understandable to an English native speaker, the better your final score will be.

With regards to the summary, you missed presenting the percentage measurement indicator which is a necessary aspect of the information summary. Please remember to review and edit your work for grammar accuracy. You failed to capitalize the first word of a new sentence. Your rush to write a long piece rather than a quality piece have left this paper prone to uncorrected enors, this creating more score deduction areas for your final score. Even the slightest ensor can result in a failure for your test. Create quality work rather than word quantity. Word count reliant essays more often fail than pass this test.

You show a good presentation formatting eye that is focused on GRA considerations. Although admirable, this essay is too wordy and uses words of uncertainty where preciseness is required. There is a good scoring potential here. You just need to learn to properly develop a suitable writing style for the Task 1 essay [

Writing Feedback / Task 1- Consumer's on cell phone, national and international phones in America [3]

You forgot to upload the image with your essay so my review will be limited. I require the image for comparison purposes with your work. This will be only a basic observation commentary on your work.

The summary overview could have used a better presentation. The information you provided should have been completed over 2 sentences rather than a single extra long presentation. That, is a run-on rather than complex sentence. use a proper mix of simple and complex sentence presentations next time.

The information covers previous years so a past tense thought and data reference should be used. It is incorrect for you to say; " was still remaining ". The proper reference is; "remained at ". Your GRA score will be deducted from each time such incorrect time references are used. Obvious LR errors are also present. I am not sure what you mean to represent when saying " yearly sending services ". The inclusion of the image may have helped me understand what led to this error in your data writing .

Scholarship / AAS Application Supporting statement - justify postgraduate study in transportation choice [2]

Use the opening paraghap to explain your work related reasons for choosing these courses. That means, you will need to explain what your currentposition is and how it helped open your eyes to the necessity of additional academic learning and training on your part. As a reviewer, I need to understand how your undergraduate and work background are relevant to the courses you have chosen. That is unclear and not provided in this version.

I know that you read the course description but it doesn't tell me how these learnings will be helping you in the workplace. What problems will these help you resolve? The essay has too many unkown information and factors regarding the criteria you used, based on workplace needs or government programs, for choosing the courses. Develop your background, professional requirements, in relation to academic goals to help you create a better text representation of your study intentions.

Graduate / Career Change or Background Change [2]

The masters course is always determined by your work experience in relation to your work experience. While some universities may allow admission based on an unrelated undergrad course and work experience, the same cannot be said for most scholarship programs. These require evidence of work abilities, training in related fields and a future related career application. These are the primary reasons why a student looking for a career change finds it difficult to apply for scholarships coming from an unrelated field.

You seem to be at a career crossroad at this point. You cannot expect to qualify for a U.S.A. based scholarship when you do not have a real career map ahead of you. Figure out what career path you really want to have first, then work on the career change qualifications on a local scale first. This may require you to take additional college courses to help with your career change. Or not.It will depend upon relevant your previous degree is to the new careers you want to enter into. Once you have enough work related experience and training, then you may begin to consider an international MS scholarship. 2 years of dedicated career path changes should help you get a minimal shot at such a scholarship.

Changing career paths or getting scholarships cannot be done on a whim or overnight. These require preparation and careful consideration on the part of the student. I hope that I was able to help you understand the steps you have to take based upon what you wish to do. Best of luck. I hope you find your true career path soon.

Writing Feedback / An increasing tendency to stay alone rather than be engaged in any relationship [3]

The essay was on track for the most part. oThe restatement, the discussion were all good and remained related tothe prompt, Discussion points had convincing examples and are based on sound logic and common sense. However, an example based upon your own experience rather thana generic person would have helped the coherenceand cohesiveness score a lot more as it would have helped show and advanced English comprehension skill on your part. Regardless, that does not remove the strength and validity of your discussion. an expanded summary conclusion would have also helped advance you C&C score as you would have shown a better summary skill based on pertinent data presentation. still, you did good work here. I am sure it would have gotten a high scoring consideration.

Writing Feedback / The percentage of people who are sixty five and older in the USA, Sweden, and Japan [3]

Your essay is lacking in pauses. Those are sections where an end of the sentence is placed, allowing the reader to pause and understand the sentence before the introduction of a new but seperate idea. These is usually represented by a period which is then followed by a transition word, phrase, or sentence before the next information is presented. The presentation is therefore, long but difficult to follow. Idea presentations are difficult to relate within the discussions. You have to learn to write in a simple, quick, but easy to track manner. The prompt instructions lend itself to a 3 rather than 4 paragraph discussion format. Always look to the prompt for discussion paragraph numbering. Forcing a 4 paragraph presentation in a 3 paragraph essay will always lead to a lower c&c score for your presentation. Majority of the Task 1 prompts are only 3 paragraph presentations.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 - Health and Life Habits [2]

The prompt paraphrase contains information not included in the original presentation which resulted in an over writing in your presentation. The actual discussions offer 2 reasons at any given point in the presentation, but suffer in explanation development. simply writing 300+ words will not assure you of a proper and high scoringpresentation. It will however , assure you of sectional scoring deductions.

There is a lack of proper discussion idea outlining on your part, within the 40 minute allowance which led to idea presentations in paragraphs, but very little in the way of idea development and explanation. Writing qualities that, when not present in the essay, result in lower C&C plus GRA scores. For example, "By way of conclusion " is incorrect grammar. The proper reference in this presentation is "To conclude this discussion...". By the way,that is a memorized placeholder phrase that I cannot advise you to use in the essay. Memorized phrases will lower your TA score. In this case,the TA and GRA scores will both receive deductions due to the use of a memorized phrase and incorrect grammar.

The word " think" is unacceptable. Your TA score is based on the clarity of your opinion. The aforementioned word indicates a doubt rather than conviction in your opinion. Avoid words of uncertainty so as not to incur additional TA deductions.

There is a lack of proofreading and editing in the presentation that will lower each scoring aspect of the test. It is more important to focus on delivering the scoring requirements than just a long unchecked and non-corrected essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 1 - The graph compares twelve countries in terms of the amount of Olympic medals they have won [2]

This paper doesn't have a good chance of receiving a passing score since the word count is only 130 words. It is severely under the 150 word minimum. Word count deductions shall heavily apply to the pre-scoring TA score. The lack of word count in the result of under analyzed paragraphs. A properly analyzed paragraph will always have an extended discussion format of 3-5 - sentences. Your paragraphs average 2 sentences per paragraph. This shows a lack of discussion outlining and brainstorming during the drafting process. improve the analysis presentation for a better overall scoring consideration. This is a good start. Now, try to write more words based on data analysis and comparisons. I will not point out other scoring problems at this point since I do not know ifthe errors can be avoided when you write at least 150 words. 175- 190 would be a good word target range for any task 1 presentation.

Writing Feedback / Island map - summaries the information and make comparisons where relevant [2]

The task 1 essay does not require an analysis nor a conclusion. Therefore, the reference to safety standards should not be mentioned. The conclusion at the end of your writing Is not required. So your essay has 2 format errors that will immediately reduce your TA score. The summary overview is also problematic as the information sounds too much like a cut and paste of the image description from the original presentation.That will be an additional TA deduction as well. at this rate, your TA errors alone will be enough to possibly fail your final score.

You failed to also use the standard and required 3 paragraph presentation for the analysis. The reason this happened is because you did not provide the before renovation description of the island. That was supposed to have been the 2nd paragraph. It would have come after the summary overview. The 3 paragraph format should have been:

Par.1- Summary overview
Par.2 - Description of image 1
Par.3 - Description of image 2 with simple comparisons to image 1.

No conclusions or personal opinion needs be presented in this task as it is only a data reporting essay.

Writing Feedback / Should there be any restriction on how many years an educator may teach the same subject or grade [2]


Use the descriptive term "educators" rather than - "professors". The more generic reference allows you to generally discuss the teaching profession. Elementary and high school educators are called "teachers", while higher education level educators are referred to as " professor." Such word usage errors show a limited vocabulary understanding on your part and affects the authority of your discussion. Note that the prompt refers toa teacher, in reference to the lower educational level being referred to in the discussion. I am afraid this word reference error may indicate a lack of advanced English comprehension skills required of ESL learned educators in an American ENL school.


This personal opinion should be presented in the opening paragraph rather than the and because it contains your direct - regarding the topic discussion question.

While you do show an understanding of the topic, the examples, had these been based on yourpersonal experience , would have made for a far more convincing supporting discussion presentation.

As a future educator, you are also expected to know how to properly construct English sentences. Yet, this essay shows a lack of proper simple and complex sentence structure along with problematic punctuation mark usage. These are quite obvious in your final paragraph presentation. Based on these observations, you can deduce which sections you should focus onfor future writing improvement.

Writing Feedback / Waste is not treated efficiently so the authority should pass laws to promote adequate actions [3]

Your first paragraph sentence opens with a confusing statement. That is due to the incorrect sentence formation. The inclusion of the word "but" caused the sentence to lack any proper meaning. If that word had not been included, then the sentence would have made proper sense. Consider doing more sentence building exercises to avoid making similar mistakes in the future.

You provided your personal opinion and reason in the opening paragraph, but once again, you failed to properly format the sentence . Where is the extent response? The lack of it will affect the TA score based on the expected discussion format. Always double check your presentation for prompt adherence. oThat means. besure you have properly provided the discussion format and topics in the response final form you wrote.

This is not to be formatted as a comparative discussion. Unless specified in the discussion, all task 2 essays require only 2 single opinion supporting paragraphs. your essay will therefore be read and scored based only on the single reasoning paragraph that supports your opinion. Then your essay may fall under the minimum 250 word count, leading to word count deductions, possibly, and finally resulting in a failing score when all the sectional errors are included and totalled to create your final score.

Don't get me wrong, you understood the question. It is the discussion presentation that proved to be the weak point of your writing. I am confident though that since I have called your attention to your writing problem areas, that you will show improvements in these areas in your future presentations.

Scholarship / AAS Supporting Statement - Master of Urban Design and Master of Urban Planning [2]

Start the essay by introducing your academic background and relevant work experience. Do not make that information selective based onthe course and institution. Your presentation lacks fluidity and , information in the current format. Be clear about why you decided to become an urban planner based ona collective rather than selective platform at the start.


This information better suits the goals discussion. Put a pin in it for now.


You sound like you are lecturing the reviewer. - There is no clear professional reason for this choice.

You need to reflect an academic necessity and at least 2 professional goals. One for each course. Develop both explanations to help you create a more convincing response. Right now, the presentation is not well thought out and developed. The reviewer will definitely not be interested in this type of response. This is a written interview, not a casual inquiry. You don't seem like a serious applicant in this presentation. Bring out that side of interest in your explanation.

Writing Feedback / What are the reasons for world poverty? The main factors of this phenomenon and possible solutions [2]

The essay is below the required minimum word count. The word percentage deductions tells me that you either did not know about the minimum word requirement or, you were hesitant in your writing due to a lack of knowledge on the topic or, a low English vocabulary level. Either reason is not good for your TA score as the low word count will mean TA score deductions based on the minimum word requirement. The essay has already failed the preliminary assesment even before the actual written content has been considered based on the 4 scoring sections.

There is a topic presentation in the first paragraph but no thesis statements based on the 2 discussion targets. Providing the 2 thesis sentences provides a summary of your upcoming discussion and will show how well you understood the questions in relation to the overall discussion. These thesis sentences help to increase your TA score based on your related discussion points in relation to the provided topic and questions, which are the basis for your 2 expanded reasoning paragraphs.


Hyperbolic assessments and exaggerations should not be included in the discussion as it could create topic deviations in your presentation. For instance, there are success stories based on the way that little educated people manage to become rich, or at least, lead financially stable lives. Avoid over exaggerations as that is not the same as emphasizing a point.

The reasoning paragraphs have an uneven explanation development. The causes paragraph is far better explained than the solutions portion. The second paragraph needs more explanations to support the solutions. I believe that it is the lack of discussion development in this paragraph that led to the lack of word count.

You do not have a problem understanding the prompt. You have a problem discussing the topic for unknown reasons. By the way, never use contractions in an academic essay. Always use the full 2 words due to formal writing requirements.

Next time, try to write more words. That is the only way you can meet minimum scoring requirements.