Writing Feedback / Professional sportsmen have become very popular and their salaries are a lot of money. [4]

KCN, the essay that you wrote will score no higher than a 3 in an actual setting because it did not capably discuss any part of the task. The TA section was not only faulty, it would have scored only a 2 at the most because it barely responded to the task. Your prompt paraphrase is non-existent in the sense that you chose to discuss the essay immediately and you only presented 2 sentences. The inaccuracy of the TA is what greatly reduced the chances of this essay to gain a passing mark. Your opening paraphrase should always be no less than 3 sentences. The proper paraphrase is:

It is commonly believed that major athletes are paid too much. The common belief is countered by others who are of the opinion that the wages these skilled sportspersons are paid is only commensurate to the task. I will be analyzing both points of view in this essay. After that, I shall discuss my own point of view regarding the topic.

Your paraphrase lacks a representation of the topic for discussion, the pov's presented, and how this is to be discussed. Without that representation, your TA will always fail.

The second paragraph would have passed for a first opinion topic discussion if you had only indicated it as such and also expanded the discussion by at least 3 more sentences in order to better explain this point of view.

The third paragraph, suffers from the same situation. Only this time, you under developed the discussion and as such, did not really offer an insightful explanation of the 2nd opinion on the matter.

In your opinion. You should have not use the connecting word "But" to start your sentence because this is an academic paper, therefore, the use of connecting words as a sentence starter is unacceptable. That is only allowed in informal, non-academic writing.

The conclusion is also faulty because you continued a not very well developed discussion of an additional point of view. The concluding paragraph must not to that. The concluding paragraph just summarizes the presented discussion. Since that is not what you did, your essay in fact, does not have a concluding statement and will be scored less because of it.

Writing Feedback / Educated people are more valuable? Direct questions essay. [3]

SG, let me break this down for you in terms of scoring considerations. It was a very difficult essay for me to read due to lack of clarity in your presentation in most instances. This lack of clarity is what has caused

the lowering of your scores on the overall scale. As the examiner, I would score this essay as follows:

TA - 6 - the ideas you present are truly relevant, but the presentation of the discussion is faulty and does not make sense. This creates a situation where you actually discuss the topic but leave some parts underdeveloped in the discussion.

C&C - 5 - there is a lack of overall progression in your presentation because of your inadequate use of cohesive devices.

LR - 5 - You show a very limited vocabulary range that only helped you accomplish the task indicated. You need to familiarize yourself with more intermediate English words at the very least.

GRA - 5 - Problems with your tense usage abound in the essay which caused extreme difficulty for the reader. Additionally, all of your paragraphs and sentences suffer from grammatical errors in sentence development and presentation. So more English fill in the blanks sentence exercises are required to help you learn how to properly format and develop English sentences.

As this is a direct response question, you must remember some basic grammar rules. Never start the sentences with connecting words such as "And" and "Because", this will cause a lowering of the GRA score. You should also make sure that your opening statement makes sense before you present your direct response. The proper summarizing of the opening and closing information is important. It is imperative that you show a clear restatement of the topic for discussion so that you can increase the TA score. Your current essay is confusing in that part. Here is a sample of what you should do:

Society believes that people who have a degree have more importance than those who learned their jobs through work involvement. I believe that people who learned on the job are more valuable than their theoretically educated counterparts. There are more skills to be learned from actual familiarity with the work as opposed to idealized training such as unexpected job site scenarios which are not taught in the classroom.

Take the opportunity to use as many of the 5 sentence allotment to show off your English vocabulary and understanding of the presentation by using more complex scenarios in your essay.

Scholarship / Recommendation Letter for Applying for Master in International Business Program [2]

Faiz, you should clarify that this person worked with you in two capacities, one are your educator, the other, as your employer, at the start of the essay. That way, the relationship you have with him is defined from the start and does not seem like an abrupt addition in the later part of the essay.

As an educator, he must indicate the class you took under him, the duration of that class, and how you performed as a student. Use only information that he will definitely know about. Do not add information that you feel will enhance your application, specially if it is information not known to the teacher because he will get caught as being clueless about what you wrote or unfamiliar with the information should he be called upon to do a verbal interview, which is more likely than an email interview.

As your employer, he should indicate when he hired you, why he hired you, and what your job description is, among other things already indicated in this letter. Remove the reference to starting your travel agency in college. That makes it obvious that you wrote this letter and not the person referring you. The following are the topics that should be removed from this letter to remove the obviousness of the letter being written by the applicant:

1. Reference to the travel agency
2. Internship at the embassy
3. Exhaustive research on market entry analysis

The rest of the information is applicable and does not require anything more than grammar editing. It is the information I gave you above that you need to edit in order to make this a more appropriate recommendation letter.

Writing Feedback / Internet is a convenient place for finding the information, provided it is used wisely. [2]

Shruti, you did not fully understand the discussion instructions that were provided to you. This essay has a very specific discussion process that should cover 3 complete body paragraphs. Let me show you the difference between the original directions and the direction for discussion that you used:

Original Discussion Instruction: Discuss both these views and give your opinion
Your Discussion Flow: I am in support of this view

Based on the variation in the way that you discussed the essay, your TA score will come in at a low score of 4. That rating is due to the selective manner that you chose to discuss the essay, completely disregarding the original instructions you were provided. The low score in the TA section plus the grammar issues, information presented, and use of English words tells me that you score will not be higher than the TA rating. You see, once you make a mistake in the TA section only 2 things can happen, either you get a low passing score or you fail the test completely. The correct flow of this discussion in the body would have been:

Body 2 - Opinion 1
Body 3 - Opinion 2
Body 3 - Personal point of view

The combined paragraph results totaling the required 5 paragraphs would have at least had the opportunity to get you a passing score. Based on the above topic provided, the method of your discussion, and the conclusion you wrote, it appears that you did not discuss the essay in any manner that is related to the actual topic provided.

There is a popular belief that the internet provides a good method of keeping in touch with one another. However, it does not really pass as an authoritative place to access information. In this essay, I will explain why these two points of view exist. Additionally, I will present my personal opinion on the given discussion towards the end.

In order to familiarize yourself with the different IELTS discussion styles, it would be best if you review the other sample essays here and read the advice provided. Doing so will not only help you understand the differences in writing methods for each essay type, but you will also learn how to avoid the mistakes others before you have made in their own practice tests. Thus helping you to perfect your writing style as well.

Speeches / Important things in our life. Text for presentation. [2]

Jane, the opening presentation needs more work. It does not really make me care about what you have to say because you are not offering me a reason to listen to your speech. Try to create a short story at the start, a memory from your childhood perhaps, that embodies the 3 values that you will be discussing. Then introduce the value that you learned in that tale that you told and tell the listener that you will be explaining how that story and the values tie into the package of life elements that are most important to you.

Each explanation that you give has a sanitized sense to it. It feels too textbook because of the way that some definitions seem to have come out of a dictionary or a news article. Try to find various situations in your own life that depict the importance of this value in an everyday application. People don't really care about the spleen, monotony, or anxiety unless you can put it into a context that they can understand and relate to in their own lives.

Who is Gregory Skovoroda? When you make reference to a person that may be popular in your home country, or a book author, you must mention the book he wrote so that people can look him up on their own. That is, in case they found your talk really interesting and the quote that you used, inspiring.

Again, each time you reference a "personal experience", you will have to narrate the situation to illustrate your meaning. Additionally, the term is "don't be afraid to BE abandoned."

Research Papers / PTSD Service dogs research paper. There are many ways that a dog can lend a helping hand.. [2]

Donna, the information in the essay is highly interesting. However, the hook does not effectively entice the reader. The statement is too bland, factual, and unimaginative. You need to reel in your reader with your work. What the essay needs is a simple rearrangement of paragraphs, in my opinion, in order to make it more enticing to the reader. I would like to suggest that you present the essay in the following manner instead:

Training is a big deal when it comes to service dogs. ...full emersion into society.

Researchers are gathering evidence...people with PTSD

Service dogs have very ... without having it yourself.

The idea of... take medication.

82 % of people... will wake them up. ( I deleted a redundant statement at the end)

There are many ways... changed by them.

Basically, by moving around a few paragraphs, you were able to make a more engaging opening statement that will most likely have the reader perusing your work to the very end using the above format.

Writing Feedback / Information in a specific sector should be shared freely or not [2]

bism, your essay does not follow the appropriate discussion instruction. You were asked to discuss both points of view and offer your opinion. You chose to discuss an emotional, one sided essay instead. Therefore, this essay will get a Task Accuracy score of 2 because you barely responded to the task indicated. When you score so low in the TA score, it will be extremely difficult for you to pull up your score for the remaining considerations because you did not properly discuss the essay. You must ensure that you properly understand the prompt requirements before you even draft an outline for your essay. I realize that the various formats can be confusing for you so I will try to help make it easier. Read the sample essays provided here based on various prompt instructions. From there, you should be able to create a method of understanding the prompt instructions for yourself. Take note of how you can differentiate the prompts and then use that to decide how to approach the practice essays. I will not even score the rest of your essay at this point because the score will definitely be disappointing for you and as such, might affect your desire to practice. I want you to keep practicing as best as you can. Before I go, let me show you the correct prompt paraphrase for this essay.

Members of the academic, scientific, and business world are of the opinion that it is important to impart knowledge to others. Then there are those who believe that sensitive information should not disseminated from one source to another because data is too important to just spread without a check and balance system. They believe that these knowledge not be commonly shared. This essay will discuss these two points of view then after, I shall present my opinion on the matter.

The correct format is:
Paraphrase
Opinion A, supporting statements, examples, transition sentence
Opinion B, supporting statement, examples. transition sentence
Personal opinion, supporting statement, examples, transition sentece
Concluding statement, restated points in summary form, repeat of personal opinion.

Writing Feedback / Rainfall in Johannesburg and Cape Town from January to December//IELTS TASK 1 [4]

Onur , from what I can tell, the most obvious problem in your presentation is your sentence count per paragraph. In most of the paragraphs, you only have 2 sentences when the requirement is anywhere from 3-5 sentences in order to meet the C&C complete paragraph requirements. You use a lot of run-on sentences through commas in your presentation which, detracts from the proper sentence structure and coherence of the paragraph. In the opening paragraph, you could have done it this way instead:

These two bar graphs show the annual rainfall in Johannesburg and Cape Town. The months indicated are from january to December. The information is indicated based on the x-axis.The y-axis indicates the amount of rainfall from 0 to 120 millimeters in each month.

Note that you have a capitalization error in the presentation as the month of January is a proper noun and should be capitalized. There is a sentence missing in this format. This paragraph would have been made stronger if you had presented your trending statement here instead of at the very end of the essay.

By the way, you need to use past tense in the presentation because you have already seen the graphs and are merely reporting on it now. Therefore, the rainfall measurements have already taken place. Additionally, the term is "rainfall" not "downfall". Watch out for your capitalization problem. The first word of every sentence must be capitalized. You forgot to do that (again). The second paragraph could have been better divided into sentence sections in order to create more complex structures and offer a more impressive sentence development and grammar range consideration. Unfortunately, I am not allowed to revise complete paragraphs in order to show you the mistakes and then give you the corrected version. I can only point it out to you and you can apply the changes yourself to your next practice test. I cannot come back to advice you on the same essay.

Your essay is running short in terms of paragraph presentations that will gain you a higher score. You need to aim for at least 4 complete paragraphs so that you will have a better opportunity to show off your grammar range, lexical resource, and coherence and cohesiveness skills. The combination of all 4 presented in one essay of 4 paragraphs can help you get higher, per criteria scores for an increased overall scoring result.

Undergraduate / This prestigious university Texas A&M will put me in the best position possible to reach my goals [2]

Mario, the response that you gave is not really impressive nor complete. The first paragraph contains irrelevant information from the Bureau of Labor and Statistics. Try not to use the term "child" throughout the essay because a child does not have the ability to consider a permanent career goal yet. You may want to use another term such as teenager, young adult, youth, among others. You make the introduction very trivial sounding. You only enjoyed the gadgets, so there is no real interest projected that would strengthen the claim of career and academic goals from the start. If you start the essay instead with a question about the gadgets, then introduce how your brother influence you to discover the answers along with him, you can immediately introduce his strong influence on your course choice. The academic and career goals though are a problem in this essay. Neither is clearly defined. Try to write one paragraph for each topic so that the reviewer will get a better idea of your academic goals beyond the influence of your brother and computer coding games that you played. Show a clear development of your coding interests in relation to a specific, instead of numerous, career paths. You have to pick one career to discuss, even if it means you will eventually change your major. The reviewer just needs to see that you are serious about pursuing your degree in this field and that is the best way to do it.

Undergraduate / Hoping to grow my knowledge and experience at UNCW, Admission Essay [2]

Aaron, the first paragraph is superfluous in the essay. It only delivers a background of how you worked with teammates on a project. It does not have a relation to your studies at UNCW. When you respond to this essay, consider the educational facilities in relation to your major, the faculty in relation to the major, and the extra curricular opportunities at the university for the response. This is a prompt that tests your familiarity with the university and is the only opportunity you will have to convince the reviewer that you made the right choice in seeking admission to their educational institution. So, the song is out, the project is out. What is in, is the second paragraph, but on an expanded discussion scale based upon the considerations I mentioned above. Your response in the last paragraph is not appropriate. You should discuss your personal growth as a student at the university so a discussion of the university campus and its surrounding area is appropriate. It is not appropriate to discuss visiting your family and the card shop as those are not within the area for discussion. Do not close the essay with a question. You may not want to hear the answer to it Instead, convey your excitement about starting the upcoming semester with the rest of the UNCW students.

Writing Feedback / Flame The Patriotic Into Integrity Unity and Creativity [2]

Indah , there are a few points for further development in your essay in relation to the thesis statement. The first thing I want to point out is that when you pose a question in your essay, you are expected to provide an immediate response to it within the same paragraph or develop the succeeding paragraph as a response to it. That is why for these sorts of papers, it is best to offer an informed sentence rather than a question which may have a delayed response within the essay presentation. I believe that the question about colonialism of economy or culture should be given a specific and lengthy discussion regarding what it means, how it came to be, and how it can be avoided at present and in the future.

Clarify the point you made about how the government supports colonization. What does this mean? How does it happen? What are the consequences for the people and the new generation living in your country? How has it changed your society and way of thinking? That statement alone requires a totally new paragraph to represent a response as well. For every information you present, make sure that you provide supporting evidence. This essay suffers tremendously from a lack of factual evidence and expanded discussions in support of your statements.

Your concluding paragraph leaves me with more questions than answers about your presentation. That should not be the case. You should be reiterating the overall discussion instead. As it is, this concluding presentation shows that the discussion is not over. Additionally, do not use connecting words like "because" to start your sentences. The connecting words should only be used to connect 2 sentences of similar information or thoughts. It is never used to open a sentence or paragraph.

Writing Feedback / 5 different kinds of communication service which were used by people over 6 years [2]

@dotuananh2001, you forgot to include the image that your analytical essay is supposed to be based on. I cannot really judge your work without it in terms of accuracy and relevance. I would however like to point out that your essay is grammatically inaccurate in terms of sentence structure since you are writing with a disregard for the English writing rule that indicates all words after a period or a word that starts a sentence must be capitalized. While some people will tell you that capitalization does not matter in the test, the reality of the scoring situation is that you are being scored specifically on grammar accuracy so yes, in this case, you should capitalize your first word letters. You also wrote continuously long sentences that turn into severe run-on sentences. It would be beneficial to you if you can learn to write interconnected individual sentences per paragraph instead. Additionally, you tend to start your sentences with connecting words such as "But", which means you really are not even trying to implement proper writing rules in your essay. This is not a good essay presentation at all, and that is even without the illustration to base your essay on. Your essay will suffer a tremendously low score in the GRA sections as you misuse the punctuation marks throughout the essay. Don't expect to get a passing score with this essay. It has way too many problems to get a passing consideration.

Writing Feedback / The Internet, despite being the most significant breakthrough in history, is indeed a mixed blessing [2]

Anna, I think you can score a 6 with this essay. What lowered the score for this otherwise strong essay is how the essay did not fully develop the discussions in a connected manner and, your 3rd paragraph does not focus on the discussion of studying well at home. Consider that even at school, the distractions exist since the children still have internet connected phones, thus the focus on social media is the same as a distraction even in school. The focus of the essay discussion should only be on the educational side. Points to consider for this essay would be :

1. Traditionally, parents are the first teachers of children, thus making home schooling the default method of learning for most children.
2. Some home schooling parents believe that their children will learn better in a safe environment like home since school violence is on the rise.
3. Home schooled children still have to attend regular school for PE classes. A discussion that defeats your claim that home schooled children have weak social skills.

In order to score better in these tests, you have to show a sense of familiarity with the topic. That means, looking for more interesting lines of reason as a defense instead of relying on the commonly presented model response essay discussions. I noticed that your response was similar to the model response for this essay so I am not sure if you would be able to properly respond to an original prompt in the test. In order to better assess your abilities. Let me pose an original IELTS type question for you to respond to. This is a new question I made up just for you so that I can assess if you have the ability to write a 9 band essay.

Prompt: Christmas is considered a religious holiday that excludes people of other faith from the celebrations. There is a growing sentiment that Christmas should not be celebrated and instead, it should be a regular holiday like Thanksgiving, without a religious connotation. That way everyone, regardless of faith, can participate in the festivities. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Write at least 250 words.

Post your response as a new thread for me to comment on. This is the best way to assess your actual preparedness for the test.

Writing Feedback / Essay about "several languages die out and many people think this is a good thing, do you agree?" [4]

khaled, please remember to always provide the complete original prompt with your essay. It is not to be used as a topic title but rather, it is to be presented as a part of your essay discussion. That is the basis of the review that I create for your essay and the suggestions for your improvement. Without it, I am not able to review your essay as completely as required.

Your opening paraphrase is not accurate as it does not completely inform the reader about the topic for discussion. This line in particular, is nonsensical in presentation:

Although a lot of that this is ...

What made this sentence confusing is the use of the connecting word "but" when the word was not required in the presentation. Without the word "but" the sentence makes more sense:

Although a lot of that this is a bad thing, I strongly believe that this is a very good thing to our civilization for main two reasons.

Do you see the difference? You have to learn how to decide when to use and when not to use the connecting words in a sentence. Focus on simple sentence development for now. You need to make sure you know the rudiments of proper English sentence development before you can progress from the beginner level.

It is also important that you understand what each paragraph function is in the essay. The functions are as follows:

Par. 1 - Opening paraphrase. Your restatement of the original prompt and its discussion instructions without an actual discussion.
Par. 2-4 Reasoning, discussion, and examples. Each paragraph transitioning into an increasingly convincing explanation for the next paragraph.The 4th paragraph is usually a personal opinion

Par. 5. Summary of the discussion and prompt restatement.

Based on this mandated format for the discussion, you can see that you work did not accurately represent any section of the discussion as required. Therefore, your essay will receive a failing score.

Writing Feedback / Cooperation between individual and global governments to cope with environmental problems [5]

Tuan, your opening statement is faulty. It does not offer an acceptable paraphrase of the original prompt because of the following reasons:

1. The topic sentence does not depict the appropriate topic sentence paraphrase from the original prompt;

2. You claim an argument is in play when nothing of the sort is indicated in the original prompt so that means you are deviating from the original discussion facts;

3. You are strongly agreeing with a statement that is not indicated anywhere in the original prompt.

Based on the above reasons, the essay will get only a TA score of 4, which will automatically lower the rest of the scoring considerations to the following points:

C&C - 3 - Due to lack of connected discussions between paragraphs. You need to improve upon your transition sentences between paragraphs in order to create a logical relationship between 2 different discussion topics.

LR - 5 - The simple vocabulary needs to be improved to at least an intermediate level in order to increase the scoring consideration. You only use basic words that can help you discuss what you wish to present.

GRA - 4 - The sentence structures are not complex enough to be considered an advanced writing skill representation. Mistakes in sentence formation and presentation are evident even though it does not confuse the reader.

A word of advice; when you wish to discuss 2 points of view in an emotional essay, you must represent a partial agreement in your opening statement. Here is a model opening paraphrase that is applicable to your discussion:

The environment is facing seemingly insurmountable problems these days. The common opinion is that these predicaments are far too large for only individual people to try and solve. They consider this dilemma a global problem. I tend to partially agree with this statement for a number of reasons. I shall be presenting these reasons for your consideration.

As for the discussion section, try to always present a complete 3 body of paragraphs in order to create a well developed and discussed essay. You tend to get a higher score when you write at least 4 complete paragraphs in the essay rather than 3. Also, don't forget that the conclusion can help to increase the TA score if written properly. Always summarize the discussion as best as you can and aim for 5 sentences in that presentation as well. Avoid single long sentence presentations because that will not help to improve your GRA scoring considerations.

Writing Feedback / It is needless to use libraries because everyone can get all information they need on the Internet [3]

Trang, this is a mere single opinion essay. It is not an emotional response essay. So your response should simply have been "I disagree with the statement made." You do not disagree with the idea because what was given in the prompt is a statement not an insinuation of an "idea". That is a simple mistake that is often made by new reviewers. You will need to brush up on the various discussion types for the IELTS essays so that you can avoid making similar mistakes in the future.

Avoid using English terms and idioms like "live under a rock". This is first and foremost, an academic essay. Therefore, there must be an emphasis on the proper academic development of your sentences and statements.

Limit your paragraphs to one discussion point at a time. Fully develop the topic sentence around the remaining 4 sentences by offering supporting reasons, information, and examples. Do not suddenly add information just to fill in the sentence count because that would lower the C&C score for your essay. As long as you write a minimum of 3 sentences, you will get a good score for the paragraph. It will not be very high but it will not be too low either.

You should also work on developing less long sentences and more short but intricate sentences in order to create complex sentences that will improve your GRA score. I would have structured the conclusion, which is your longest presentation that lacks sentences as:

My conclusion, is that libraries are still necessary in these modern times. It allows an ease of information access without advertising as the internet does.Additionally, everyone can access a library, but not everyone can access the internet. Therefore, I do not believe that libraries are no longer necessary in the internet age.

Conclude effectively by simply summarizing the discussion you presented. That is all you have to do because the concluding statement is a continuation of the opening paraphrase. This time, paraphrasing the discussion you presented instead.

Writing Feedback / Animals do feel. Express an opinion on animal treatment. [2]

@happyfunny I cannot help you fix your essay because you did not provide the complete original prompt for me to read. I have no idea what you are supposed to write about, why you have to write about it, and how you are supposed to write it. You must always provide the complete prompt when you post your essay so that you can receive a proper analysis of your written work.

What I did observe is that you are not careful about the way you write and you do not proofread your paper before submitting it. I see a number of capitalized letters where it is not required (See paragraph 2 re "Animals"), and that you have tendency to use numerous commas, creating run on sentences in a paragraph, instead of presenting individualized sentences. Sometimes the number of commas you use are so excessive that I forget what your presentation is about by the time I reach the all too important period in the presentation.

Do not present questions in your essay because you do not have time to respond to it properly. Just present specific opinions, no rhetoric required. By the way, the term is "In conclusion" not "Inclusion". Inclusion means to add something or someone. In conclusion means to end a presentation. Such mistakes will really lower your LR score.

Undergraduate / The bland food reflects my bland, although exciting, life - CWM Essay [2]

Jingxuan, you should try to combine your point of view about life with your love for bland food. You could try to balance out the discussion in a comparison essay. Yeah. I think that would work you could create a parallelism between why you find food bland and your observation about the way that people use the over interpreted experience of others. Explain how the masking is similar between the dipping station for food and the way people try to live vicariously through the life of others. Then explain how the bland food reflects your life. Explain how your bland life is actually exciting because of the originality in experiences that you have. Then explain how the bland food allows you to experience original flavors instead of masked flavors borrowed from a bottle. Kind of like the way social media allows people to experience an exciting life without actually having to experience it in physical form. Somehow, I see this essay as being more metaphorical representation of your life through food. That should easily fill 500 words. I hope you consider my suggestion for the improvement of your essay.

Graduate / A successful researcher from Africa. Statement of Purpose (Business Administration, PhD) [2]

Kweweli , since you are applying to be admitted to a PhD program without the prerequisite MS degree, you must focus less on your backstory regarding your country because that is meant for a personal statement. Instead, your SOP should prove that you have the strong non-academic foundation for a PhD degree. Revise the essay to discuss the highlights of your college education instead.

You have to impress the reviewer with your ability to excel with little to no formal academic training. So the focus on college research accomplishments, and any published work that you can mention will be of extreme importance in the overall consideration of your application. If you can get your college professors with whom you collaborated on research work, to write letters of recommendation for you, that will further strengthen your application. Remove the reference to your being an immigrant student with financial difficulties. This is not a scholarship application therefore that presentation is irrelevant.

When you mention that you took graduate classes as a college student, mention your GPA in the classes. You need to make sure that these subjects are highlighted in this presentation in a manner that proves you have a stronger foundation for the PhD class than the average PhD student with an MS degree.

I am not impressed by your academic goals. I want to learn more about how you will be using the PhD information you will be gaining in a professional setting. Discuss your future professional plans instead of your academic goals.

The reason you chose the university does not prove that you are familiar with the demands of the course and how you plan to utilize the benefits the university provides. You could have been discussing just any university with that description. Be more curriculum descriptive in interest and make sure to mention how you plan to use the facilities in the university to your benefit.

Your current essay is not informative in the correct manner. It is too long without an actual focus on a discussion development. You do not really sell yourself very well in this essay. Hopefully, you can put together a more usable draft using the advice above.

Writing Feedback / A discussion has been ongoing regarding the development of roads and railways [3]

fiZa, Actually, in the scoring procedure for IELTS, you are asked to represent only your understanding of the prompt and the discussion instructions without an offer of your opinion in the opening sentence. That is because you are only allowed 5 sentences per paragraph. The opinion should not be presented there because you cannot fully explain it due to sentence limitations. You will be scored lower for that mistake in presentation. That sort of thesis opinion in the opening sentence presentation is for TOEFL, not IELTS essays. If you take the advice given above, that will be your downfall. I am not just an IELTS and TOEFL top-notcher, I am an IELTS and TOEFL tutor with a 100 % passing rate for both tests among my students. My IELTS students always pass with a perfect score of 9. It's your choice.

You are showing 2 different prompt discussion types in your essay by saying "argued / urged". That is not even an option in the presentation. You are exaggerating your presentation and that is not going to help you improve the presentation nor get you a higher score. Restate only what is in the prompt. Do not add non-existent information. You are presenting 2 different types of essay discussions, neither of which is supported by the original prompt presentation. Neither which also, will you using for your discussion paragraphs. The correct paraphrase for this essay is:

A discussion has been ongoing regarding the development of roads and railways. While some believe that the government budget on infrastructure should be spent mostly on roads, others believe that an increased budget should be given to the development of railways. I totally agree with the previous statement. I will be presenting my reasons for my total support in the paragraphs below.

You must only offer a direct response to the question posed, without offering reasons because the paragraph format due to previously mentioned reasons. You will be scored lower in the TA and C&C sections if you do that. If it is not part of the prompt question or requirements, then it should not be in the opening paragraph.

I will grant that your paragraphs do not contain perfect English grammar. However, you show the ability to be able to express your thoughts coherently when given the opportunity to do so. Your transition sentences are placed properly and allow for a continued reading from paragraph to paragraph. Use of the transitional words such as "In addition" and "Furthermore", which you did perfectly in this essay will help to further increase your GRA score as well. Just make sure that you stop using filler phrases like "to illustrate" and "For example". You must always state your information as facts rather than "possibilities" which is what these filler phrases do. You have to project a confidence in your English written skills by delivering an authoritative voice each time.

Aside from this problem, the rest of your essay shows that you have the ability to pass the actual test. I would like you to focus on improving your paraphrasing skills at this point since that is the only remaining problem with your essay development.

Letters / Complain about the restaurant service. [2]

@happyfunny what are the parameters given to you for the writing of this letter? This is a very badly developed complaint letter because it does not say anything of value that can help the management of the restaurant help resolve the issue that you are presenting. The letter you present should have at least a number of specific information such as:

Your full name, the name of the restaurant and the branch where you ate, the time/day/date of the incident, what you ordered, what the status of the food was when it was delivered late, what you tried to do to correct the issue at the time, the reaction of the restaurant staff, and a photo of the menu price and the receipt you paid for in order to prove that the price on the menu is not the same as the price that was charged. At the end your letter, you should enjoin the management to do something about the complaint and make suggestions for their improvement prior to your closing the letter. None of these elements are properly represented in the above letter so this letter will not be taken seriously by the management of the restaurant. I realize that this is only for an IELTS practice test, but you still have to present at least 3 paragraphs in order to get proper scoring considerations. Make the letter longer and more informative in order to get a proper score. This letter will not pass the actual test at all.

Writing Feedback / Same-sex Marriage and The Effects on the Society [2]

Jesse, your essay is heavy on theory, but lacking in examples and additional information that will support the data that you are presenting. For instance, in the opening paragraph, you indicate that gay marriage has existed since ancient times. However, you do not offer any factual evidence to back up this claim. Where did you get this information? What makes you think that this sort of marriage existed in ancient times? Was it a marriage that was recognized by society and the government at that time? If yes, what changed so that society not considers such unions taboo? If you want to create a more interesting opening statement for your essay, you have to consider enhancing the opening statement by answering a few, if not all of the questions I posed above. By the way, your essay does not have a clear thesis statement represented at the end. What exactly will be discussed in this essay and why is it important that I consider the arguments you are presenting that cover a vast array of discussion topics?

Your essay should present researched data regarding a comparison rate of successful heterosexual and same sex marriages. In order for me to believe the information you are presenting, you should also convince me that same sex marriages have a higher rate of failure than the normal married couples. This is the part of your essay that is extremely weak. There are so many parts of this essay that require percentage data such as the rate of HIV among same sex couples, the number of monogamous same sex couples, the number of same sex couples in the work place that cause problems for the company and the reasons why this causes problems, and a number of other sections. Let's put it this way, for every sub topic you present, you need to present numerical figures along with your theoretical presentations in order to make a convincing argument for your side of the debate. I find your conclusion to be acceptable and appropriate for the topic presented though. I do not see any reason to alter the content of that part of the essay.

Letters / Cover letter for a trainee program position at Daimler Greater China company [5]

Efield, your cover letter should only introduce your best traits as a worker and encourage the HRD to review your submitted resume. You should be using bullet points in your essay in order to indicate the highlights of your resume. If I were to format this letter, it would be like this:

Introduction
Educational Background - remove the following parts: Based on the projects required... ...I completed my studies
The internship should be integrated into the educational background.
Omit the whole paragraph about your social welfare activities as those are irrelevant to the work skills that will be considered during your application process.

As an intern applicant, you will be considered along the lines of a regular position applicant. Therefore, you need to make sure that your resume and cover letter stands out in a manner that makes you look impressive to the screening officer in a highly professional manner. If possible, use bullet points to highlight your qualifications and create an impression upon the reader. Don't use too many paragraphs because it makes it difficult to scan your letter for highlights. The person who will read your letter will just scan it before deciding if your application interests him or not. So be less wordy and more direct to the point in a clear manner.

Writing Feedback / One who pretends to be a friend but he/she is not, so called a fair weather friend [4]

Tanveer, for starters, you are consistently writing run-on sentences instead of complete paragraphs. Refrain from using commas and use more periods instead. State complete thoughts within sentences in order to create understandable explanatory paragraphs. Since this is a narrative, third person essay, you should learn to use more varying terms for the same word. For example, you are consistently using the term "friend" in this essay. Vary the term you use so that you can avoid redundancies in your presentation. Some other words for "friend" are buddy, classmate, chum, pal. bosom-buddy, to name but a few. Using synonyms, which these alternate words are known as formally, will also allow you to widen your English vocabulary.

You also need to learn how to use more connecting words since you lack a few of them in your presentations. Additionally, when you write your opening paragraphs, you have to make sure that you present a topic statement or thesis presentation at the end of the paragraph in order to inform the reader about what the topic you will be discussing all about. Since this is a story about your friend and his bad experience with his chum (see how I used the synonym there?), then you should have made that the ending topic sentence / thesis statement at the end of the opening paragraph.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1: People who lived in Charlestown [3]

Peter, let me start with showing you a more appropriate model summary overview for this essay. What you have provided is good, but not sufficient nor properly formatted:

Two separate charts have been supplied for comparison analysis. The information contained in these charts relate to the weight assessment of the people living in Charleston in 1995 and 2015. The participants came from the 20 to 69 age group. The weight was assessed in terms of percentage. The population was represented in terms of being underweight, ideal, overweight, and obese.

When you write these essays that have an age bracketing system present in the chart, you must use the specific ages instead of inferences such as "the youngest" and "the oldest" group. The information provided is essential to the analysis because it is assumed that the reader will not be able to see these charts and they will rely on your report for accuracy. Normally analysis essays are used in writing research papers so the reason for information accuracy is self explanatory.

Undergraduate / Essay on a career. Out of hundreds of thousands of careers out there, it is hard to pick just one. [2]

Arjun , your essay does not provide the required explanation for your response. First up, you need to choose just one of the 2 professions that you chose as a data scientist. The reason you have to pick just one is because, as an incoming college student, you will need to have a proven early foundation and amateur skill set for your chosen major. Remember, the prompt asks you to describe the activities that you engage in, your early experience in this field, and classes you have taken that all represent a solid desire and a driven purpose to complete your studies in this field. All you have presented in the essay are explanations that do not prove any of the prompt requirements. Therefore, this is not a prompt responsive essay. You are letting your ego get in the way of your application. You need to answer the prompt in a relevant manner that introduces your abilities, training, and capabilities in the manner required otherwise, your reviewer will not consider your application seriously.

Undergraduate / Essay about learning how to ride a bike and what it taught me [3]

Hi Meghan, Your opening statement doesn't really reel in the the reader in an engaging manner. If anything, it has no point to its presentation in that section of the essay. A more effective opening would be the flashback setup of the second paragraph. The opening statement is not really important to the essay because the "beast" as you describe the bike, should be presented more in the form of how you had been beaten numerous times by it through the progression of the essay. You need not have presented it as a separate process in the essay. The tense presentation of the essay becomes confusing as the reader progresses with your narrative reading. Sometimes it is past, sometimes it is present. I urge you to use the past tense consistently in your essay because these all happened when you were 7 years old, hence the need for a past representation in the essay. Also, you cannot just bring Justina into the story. You need to describe that character. Build it up in relation to your character first. Don't just bring her participation into the story without first introducing her to the reader in a manner that makes her entrance relevant to the situation.

Writing Feedback / The school system should start teaching foreign language class at primary school. [3]

Roba, contrary from what the above poster said, you MUST use the pronoun "I" in these discussions because these essays are personal opinion based. The evidence of the personal opinion can be seen in the format of the discussion question which is : Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages ? The presentation of the question asks for an indirect personal opinion. Ownership of the essay has to come from the author in a first person point of view. You cannot simply say that "the essay will discuss" because the essay will not write itself. Who is writing? Whose point of view is being depicted in the writing? These are part of the TA considerations that you will fail if you use a general statement instead of a writer specific statement.

Having clarified that point, I have to tell you that you did not properly discuss the essay. The instruction for the discussion asks you to answer the question pose. Which means you have to present your point of view in a comparison format. You should not discuss both sides and then present your opinion. This is a personal opinion of both sides with the final paragraph giving your final verdict on the comparison. The format should be:

Par. 1 - Paraphrase
Par. 2 - POV 1
Par. 3. - POV 2
Par. 4 - Comparison of both points with a concluding decision based on your point of view
Par. 5. Summary Conclusion

Make sure your point of view is consistent throughout the essay. You used a general POV in paragraph 2 then suddenly presented a first person point of view in paragraph 3. Be weary of the way you format sentences. When you use a comma, the next word should still be in lower case instead of capital case. You made that mistake in your concluding presentation. Also, avoid extra long sentences in the conclusion. Use at least 3 sentences for stronger scoring consideration.

Based on the work that you did in this essay, you could get a high score of 4. You should improve over time if you apply the advice that you will be receiving from the users and contributor of this forum.

Graduate / Personal Statement for a UK University - Marketing Master Level [2]

Mariam, you certainly "threw in the kitchen sink" with this essay. It has way too much information in it that I can't figure out what essay you are really trying to write. Since this is just a personal statement, there are only 2 things that it has to accomplish. The first, is the idea behind the development of your interest in this course. From there, you need to discuss why you chose this university. Now, most people get confused when it comes to writing the personal essay because they often end up writing more information than required. When that happens, no information is left for the SOP. So what you have to do with this essay is remove the information that will work better in the SOP once you write that essay. In this instance, I can tell you which paragraphs can work for the personal statement. The portions I have you remove, you can use to draft your SOP instead. I believe you can revise the essay by using the following paragraphs: 1,2,7. As an essay presenting the growth of your interest and choice of university, you can very well just use these 3 paragraphs to represent your personal statement. This statement does not need to be too long nor overly informative. It just needs to cover the basics that you won't be able to present in the motivation letter and statement of purpose. Both of which are required essays for most universities offering MS courses.

Writing Feedback / We should help minority nations to keep their languages for the cultural diversity [6]

Ernazar, your score for this essay will be a 1. I know, I know, that is a failing score. I wanted to give you at least a 2 on this essay but based upon the scoring criteria for the Task Accuracy portion, which is the first and foremost scoring consideration, the response that you gave in the essay is completely unrelated to the task. The tipping point for my decision is the instruction sentence in the original prompt. Let me show you where the mistake lies:

Original Discussion Instruction: To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Your Discussion Response: I reckon that most common used international languages ease our life quality and communication with different nationalities. On the other hand, we need to help improve minority languages.

The mistake in your response is as clear as day. You do not, at any point in your opening paragraph, deliver a proper "emotional" response based on the terms "strongly, partially, to a certain extent, totally, and other strong opinion representation terms. The essay asks you to take a strong, emotional response then defend that in your presentation. If you used the term "I partially agree", then you could have used this comparison essay in the discussion. However, since you did not accurately represent the prompt requirements by offering a correct emotional response, the rest of the scoring considerations could not be given heavier weight in terms possible scores.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1-The chart gives information on the percentage of British people giving money to charity [3]

Ulica, having written only 154 words in this essay, you cannot expect to get a higher than barely passing score for your work. Aim to write around 200 words each time so that you can have a 4 paragraph essay which always results in a higher than average passing score. The best way to increase your word count is by expanding upon the important presentations in the essay. For instance, in this essay, you could have expanded the opening statement by presenting it this way:

Comparative bar charts were presented representing the donations made by various age groups in Britain. The information presented came from the years 1990 and 2010, offering a decade to decade comparison of the data. The data covered the age 18 to 65 groups which were divided into age brackets. The overall trend, seems to be that more people over the age of 36 donated to charities in 1990. In this essay, a summarized representation of the data will be presented with data comparisons presented where relevant.

There was similar data shared when you compare the age 50 to the age 51 group. The two groups both donated 35 % to charities. This was not reflected in your essay so the "comparisons where relevant" part of the prompt was not fulfilled, That presentation could have easily completed your 4th paragraph and increased your scoring considerations based on the increased word count.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WT2, Fast-food companies should not be allowed to give away free toys with their food [3]

Kay, you have set an admirable goal for yourself with regards to your desired score for the IELTS test. Unfortunately, this particular essay cannot score higher than a 4 within the given present scoring criteria because of a number of reasons. Let me break these reasons down for you per scoring consideration below.

Task Accuracy - This is an extent essay. Therefore, the response to the prompt should include the terms strongly, partially, fully, or "to a certain extent". Your response should have been "I strongly agree with the statement because..." instead of "I firmly agree". Firmly does not provide a measurement of emotion and thus, cannot be used in this discussion. Additionally, your first sentence makes the presentation start in the middle of a paragraph by saying "This is a common business model" rather than at the beginning by presenting the topic for discussion first. Remember, you cannot begin the discussion of the essay in the opening paragraph. Save the actual discussion start for the second paragraph as required.

Coherence and Cohesiveness - Your ideas are not present in a manner that makes your meaning and discussion intentions clear to the reader. The essay lacks organization and does not offer a clear response progression. Your third paragraph, referring to KFC is misplaced because the restaurants normally do not sell the toys to the adults without children. More importantly, an adult has never been known to order a kiddie meal for himself when on lunch break because the servings of those meals are too small for an adult. So you made a mistake in evidence presentation which shows that you don't really understand the concept behind the prompt.

Lexical Resource - Your vocabulary is basic. It also shows a lack of vocabulary understanding / meaning of English words in your presentation. Your limited control over word formation using English basic words left me, as a reader, in stress as I came to the end of your essay because your sentences oftentimes lacked meaning and clarity regarding the discussion topic.

GRA - You presented a limited sentence structure range and could not advance beyond a faulty simple sentence presentation. The errors in the sentence structure are so noticeable that it impeded the understanding of the overall work you did.

As a final note, your concluding paragraph was written as a run-on sentence. This should have been split into at least 3 sentences in order to be more aligned with the minimum paragraph requirements of the C&C paragraph scoring considerations.

Writing Feedback / A university education should include an internship or some type of work experience. [2]

Trà , which of the English tests are you preparing for? IELTS or TOEFL? Also, what is the complete prompt that you are responding to? I read your opening paragraph and could not understand what the point of the essay is because you obviously have not presented a proper restatement of the discussion topic and instructions in the first paragraph. So I will not be able to help you improve your presentation in terms of TA requirements. If I may though, the opening paragraph should contain the following:

1. The topic for discussion.
2. The reason for the discussion.
3. The discussion method

Your opening sentence doesn't properly introduce the topic for discussion so it cannot be considered an appropriate opening presentation for a Task 2 essay (for IELTS) or prompt restatement (for TOEFL).

Your succeeding paragraphs are also improperly formatted. You are given only 5 sentences per paragraph to discuss your essay. You should have divided your second paragraph into 2 since you are allowed a reasoning discussion covering 3 paragraphs. That helps you to better focus the discussion per paragraph. The point of these English tests is to decide whether you have the ability to present your thoughts in coherent English, within a limited number of sentences.

Your discussion does not seem to have a proper direction. There is no point to the discussion aside from showing off your knowledge about the topic. I really wish you had provided the prompt when you uploaded the essay. I am frustrated because I can only give you one piece of advice per thread and right now, I am limited in the way I can help you improve due to lack of data.

Please remember that a concluding paragraph still needs at least 3 sentences because it is supposed to present the summarized form of your prompt discussion. You cannot do that in a single sentence. That will lower your scoring considerations immensely.

Graduate / The essay for USC Annenberg School for Communication and Journalism [6]

Riven, there are two main questions that remain unanswered in this personal statement. The first is why you are interested in pursuing this course. We need personal reasons that do not sound like it came out of the school website. Rather than telling the reviewer what the university will provide, you should be telling the reviewer what you hope to gain beyond the obvious educational concepts in the field. Don't just say you hope to gain communication related internships. Be specific. Where do you want to intern? Why ? This information should be at the top of the page since these are specific questions within the prompt requirement. The rest of the information should be secondary in presentation. Please try to limit the presentation of the additional information to the development of your interest in the field. In the last paragraph, you can remove the following lines:

Besides, I wish myself could add value to Annenberg community as well. ..."my own ending".

You need to reformat the paragraphs for clarity. First respond to the specific questions and then, present a shorter, but more informative foundation discussion. It also appears that you do not have any notable academic accomplishments. You may want to explain about that and explain about your GPA as a college student in relation to your application. You should discuss this because of the prompt asks you to present details about your academic performance and, in addition to that, any profession related participation that you have of relevance such as internships or club related activities that call attention to your proficiency in the field.

Right now, the essay feels like it is running too long without really presenting a compelling story. You can produce a compelling story if you learn how to choose the highlights of your academic and professional life and then present these in an imaginative manner within the narrative.

Scholarship / What motivates you and write about a topic that reflects your values [4]

Pius, for starters, you cannot make reference to "As a child" as the time frame when you began accompanying your father to these community meetings. A child will not have any interest in community concerns nor have an ability to understand what topics were being discussed. Therefore, it would be best to say "As a teenager" or "I was 13 when I first attended a community meeting with my father." A teenager would be able to understand the concept of the meeting to a simple degree and also, manage to construct an opinion and possible solutions to the situation. Next, you need to explain why you were drawn into the meetings that you attended. What made you concerned for the community How did these exposures ignite your passion for "Participatory Rural Approach to Development"? Why is this important? What values did this concern and passion instill in you? There is no clear reference to the passion and character development part in the essay. You should work on developing that aspect of the presentation. Your essay strayed a bit in the middle and then again at the end. If you respond properly to the questions I posed, the essay should get back on track as a proper response essay.

Writing Feedback / The information superhighway was greatly transformed the way man conducts his activities today [2]

Erica, I just need to know if you are responding to a Direct Question Task 2 essay or if you are responding to a Task 2 opinion essay. While they are both Task 2 essays, the opening paraphrase response requirements differ for each. For a Direct Question essay, you represent the opinion with a summarized line of reasoning at the end of your paraphrased statement. For the opinion essay, you hold off on the official discussion with reasoning until the body of paragraphs. Which one is it for you? Just remember the differing requirements for each type of Task 2 essay so that you will know how to approach each one properly. Regardless of which type of essay you are responding to, you have to still stick to a proper representation of the prompt paraphrase in the paragraph in order to prove that you understood the topic provided. What you did was discuss the topic immediately, which is never done in an IELTS essay. You need to paraphrase first. For example:

The information superhighway was greatly transformed the way man conducts his activities over the past ten years. There have been signs that these changes have resulted in unfavorable outcomes for some people. However, most of the results have resulted in good outcomes for most. In this essay, I will be discussing my positive opinion of the internet effects on everyday life.

This is your opportunity to show off your English skills in terms of expressing yourself. The minute you come across as coherent, with a wide lexical resource, presented in an appropriate manner, then you will immediately increase your TA, LR, C&C, GRA scores. This part of the test becomes the foundation of the rest of your scores. Do well in the paraphrase and you have won a significant scoring battle. The current opening statement that you have needs to better represent these sections by accurately restating the prompt and its instructions in your own words.

Most of your paragraphs just deliver strongly on examples, without explanations and reasons. These create incoherent and non-cohesive paragraph discussions which will greatly affect the scores of the 4 criteria. Towards the end of your essay, you even stray from the discussion topic, resulting in an essay that is confused,inaccurate, and uninformative. Overall, the essay is not strong enough to get a passing score because of the TA, GRA and C&C problems in the presentation.

There are previous essays written about the same topic in this forum, I suggest you read those in order to understand how to better write these sorts of topic essays. In fact, before you write another practice test, you might want to look for examples of how to write the essay based on the same topic within this forum. That way you can write an essay that might be a little bit more responsive to the prompt than these previous attempts of yours.

Undergraduate / Shapeshifter - College essay about self love and realization of ones self [4]

Nathan, will you be submitting this essay to religious universities for your college application? The heavy reference to religion in the essay, from the bible quotes, to your Christianity may not sit well with the non-denominational colleges and universities in the country. Be conscious of the religious debate ongoing and try to steer clear of any references that may end up having a negative effect on your application. In all honesty, you do not need the religious references in the essay at all. The sense of self love and self realization are tremendously strong without it. You can change the slant to represent your self realization without citing a religious verse for it. It will be better for your application to non-denominational universities. You will be considered without prejudice, which could happen if you keep the bible quotes and religious discussion in the essay. However, if you are applying solely to religion based universities, then this essay is perfect as is and can be used for the purpose you intend it for. So my verdict is, revise for non religious universities, do not revise for religious universities.

Undergraduate / Cultural disassociation through my name change [3]

Carol, this is a tremendously interesting essay that really portrays the conflicting cultures and troubled mindset that you had growing up. You clearly showed why this confusion would have led you to choose one identity over the other. However, the reasons why you decided to go back to your roots, and incorporate the Chinese name into your Christian name are not very clear. That is the only blurry part of the presentation. You need to explain how why you decided to go back to your roots. What brought about the change in mindset aside from the disappointment you later found out you caused your mother? What other underlying factors contributed to that decision? Why did you decide that embracing both cultures, as signified by your new name change would be the best decision for you to make right now? All you have to do is clarify these parts in the essay so that the presentation will be much stronger, informative, and engaging in presentation.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for M.Sc. application to UK universities - Mathematics [3]

Ryan, remove the first 4 paragraphs of this essay. The information you provide there are not important to a statement of purpose but could be of use in a personal statement. Set that information aside for future use instead. Your last 2 paragraphs will make excellent middle body paragraphs to your revised statement of purpose. These depict your reasons for choosing the university and also offers an insight into your professional foundation. What you need to do now is beef up the presentation by discussing how your college education helped to prepare you for this path. Discuss any notable accomplishments that you had during that time which will strengthen the idea behind your desire to continuously educate yourself in this line of work. Don't neglect to discuss any internships that you participated in, highlighting your accomplishments as an intern as well and how that training has helped you become a better professional. Make sure you create a strong college education and professional foundation for your interest in this field of work and why you feel that you need additional training in order to continue to work at your fullest potential. If possible, explain how you plan to seek out career improvements over a period of time, normally 3-5 years after you graduate from this course. Informing the reviewer properly about your college, professional history, and future plans will go a long way in getting you considered for admission to the university masters course.

Graduate / PT PROMPT: what qualities do you feel are necessary for success as a physical therapist? [4]

Katrina , the first thing you have to address in this essay is your wrong opening sentence. The major misconception is not that physical therapy is "not as easy as it seems". The misconception, is that physical therapy is "easier than it seems". Using the first reference ties in with the statement that therapists face various challenges and have specific traits in order to perform the job.

The next situation you have to address, is that the essay became more about the therapist that you shadowed rather than what traits of that intern influenced you to become a physical therapist. Take the story that you told only this time, focus on you instead. Describe what you observed and what the whole process led you to believe would make you a great physical therapist in the future. This is about you wishing to emulate a person instead of you representing the person in your essay almost as if that person were the applicant instead of you. Therefore, the second paragraph needs a major overhaul in terms of presentation. The last paragraph can be kept intact and used as the concluding statement just the same.