Undergraduate / Most Important activity: volunteering a Zither store/ UBC personal Profile [2]

@k009999
Welcome to the forum! I hope my feedback gives you somewhat of an idea of how to improve your writing.

Like what I said to a previous forum member, packaging truly changes the game when you are writing. Puny mistakes can go a long way, dragging your content even if you are trying to make it as sensible as possible. For example, if we take a look at your first sentence, you could have easily mentioned that you had learned a lot from your volunteer experience at the store instead of reiterating what the question is. Doing this gives you leverage, making you appear more truthful to the rest of the writing.

There is also no need for you to mention details that are unnecessary to the rest of the writing's purpose. In this question, they were mostly asking you about what you learned from the experience. From that, it is easy to understand that they don't necessarily need to know all the technical information regarding the experience. Be mindful of this because it can impact your writing in the long-run.

Be cautious as well of the way you knit your sentences together, especially because this can affect your writing's overall comprehension. Stick with simpler sentences if you can because this will be a lot more appropriate and easier to digest.

Writing Feedback / Gaming skills are very beneficial and functional for being successful in your life. [2]

@bita92
Welcome to the forum! Don't hesitate to ask if you have any other questions after reading my feedback.

Packaging is extremely important in writing - bear this in mind. For instance, while there wasn't anything that was glaringly wrong with the first paragraph (except for a few technical slip-ups in the first sentence), the poor packaging made it a bit difficult to comprehend and appreciate certain parts of the writing. What you could have done was simply mention the line "playing games teaches us about life" before reiterating that there are lessons to be learned with playing games that aren't just limited to the virtual world.

The same goes for the rest of your writing. Make a more comprehensive and straightforward simple sentence instead of how you labeled the first body paragraph. If you're focusing on a specific trait, describe it first prior to explaining how it correlates with gaming.

Being more discreet and conservative with writing will be beneficial for you since you struggle with complex utterances.

Undergraduate / Beyond the silence! / Personal essay / Common App : Discuss an accomplishment, event.... [3]

@zabdou
Hello, welcome to the forum. Here's my feedback on your writing.

I noticed that you had one of the most common tendencies for writing mistakes - and that is, you were continuously bloating the text with information that's not necessarily contributing anything to the text that you have. This also includes incorporating excessive words into the text even though they're not adding depth to the writing. For instance, in your introductory paragraph's third sentence, the first phrase here was packaged poorly. You could have just mentioned that it was a dreading experience for you and ended it from that. When you described your childhood memories, there was no need to add both enjoyable and memorable since they pertain to nearly the same thing already.

Aside from this, the ending was truly a clever compilation of texts. I appreciate how you were able to incorporate creativity to create something that's meaningful for your writing.

Writing Feedback / Essay about whether human fight against climate change or finding new habitable planet? [3]

@d1a9t99
Hey, welcome here! I will give feedback on your writing.

When it comes to the appropriate word choices, I have observed that you have a tendency to over-complicate your language. While it certainly doesn't have an absolutely dreadful impact to your writing, it does slightly affect the way that your writing will be received. For example, observe how the concluding remarks were written. Instead of mentioning blatantly that there is "grave trouble" to appear as though there's an impending concern, you could have expounded this through specifying the details laid out.

Also, try not to leave pieces of information just hanging around in the open. For example, you mentioned the use of eco-friendly products, however you left it just hanging around afterward without explaining even briefly how this correlates with the rest of the text. Remember that depth is more important than scattered information that's unexplained as this is the ultimate determiner of the writing's reciprocation.

Undergraduate / UBC Personal Profile, List One or Two Substantial Activities. [3]

@mguo
Hello! I'm here to give feedback on your writing.

The first mistake that I noticed in your writing would be the inevitable unnecessary lengthening of messages throughout it. When we take a look at the first paragraph, there were numerous signs of this. One would be how you had used three descriptors in the first sentence even though they virtually mean the same thing. This takes away precious space from your word count that could have been allocated elsewhere. You did the same midway in the writing when you mentioned that there are conversations or simple interactions that took place - both of these mean the same thing also.

Apart from being more aware of that, try to always be mindful of your usage of preposition and punctuation. When it comes to punctuation, try to play around with semi-colons as a way to transition instead of using commas, especially when they're more appropriate in the context. Prepositions should be observed carefully also. For example, your first paragraph's second sentence should have had an of instead of a from. Being more mindful of these mistakes will help you tremendously in the long-run.

Writing Feedback / Spending comparison among five countries - ielts task 1 writing [4]

@windy
Hello! It would be helpful if you would include the table's photo for the people in the forum to clearly see what you are evaluating for this essay.

Although it's a small part of the writing, remember to practice the very basics that you have to have hold of. This includes punctuation, spacing, and integrating proper transition words. I observed that you struggle with all these three in your messages - perhaps because you had a tendency to jump from one portion of the text to the other.

It is also helpful for you to remove unnecessary parts of the text. For instance, notice how if you removed the phrase "in all five countries" in the immediate first paragraph, it would still mean the same thing. Realizing this pattern of logic will help you trim down your writing to only what is necessary, which is oftentimes what is sought after in practice essays as they test your grasp of the basics before presuming you have skills in the complex parts of it all.

Writing Feedback / IELTS GT WRITING TASK 1: You would like to do a PT job while you are studying in another country [3]

@plforielts
Hi there. Thanks for your continuous approach towards the site - and I hope that the feedback you receive will somewhat help you in your learning endeavors. Don't hesitate to approach if you have any other additional questions!

Your way of writing is extremely commendable already. Albeit a bit edgy at times because of the lack of organic flow in the text, it was still quite beautifully written. Keep this up! However, I do suggest that you work a bit more on enhancing the reasoning that you use in your writing by packaging your phrasing more delicately. For instance, there was really no need for you to mention that the "currency exchange fluctuation" due to the fact that it's irrelevant for the writing.

Being more specific tremendously helps also. Instead of mentioning vaguely that you have experiences already, try to be specific of its duration, what you did, and how long you worked in your previous jobs. Doing this will help tailor-fit your writing a lot more to be more concise in the direction and purpose.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 mixed with table and pie chart - people in Australia [2]

@dhcuber
Hello, welcome to the forum! I hope that the feedback you receive from me somewhat helps you in your learning endeavors. Don't hesitate to approach again if you have any other questions.

When there are ways for you to make mention of certain parts of the text without necessarily needing to create baffling content, this would be a lot better for your writing in the long-run. Not only will this allow you to save space that can used more productively in latter parts of the essay, but it also teaches you to prioritize what information you are using here. In that regard, I think that the omission of unnecessary information, excessive descriptors, and repetitive lines would serve you well for the rest of the writing. If we take a look at what you currently have, the third paragraph could have been shrunk more to create something more straightforward. Try to stick with just the basic information before you even try to make an analysis, hence move the second paragraph to the very last portions of the text.

Writing Feedback / A summary of an article on The Guardian about phenomenon brain drain and its causes [2]

@HienRyan
Hey, welcome to the forum! I hope that the feedback you receive here becomes helpful for you. Don't hesitate to ask for more questions should you have any!

Firstly, it is critical that you write with clarity because this will determine how well-received the rest of the writing will be. For instance, the first sentence is overcrowded with information that could have been omitted for you to be able to comprehend the text with more ease - and without tugging the rest of the text. You also didn't need to incorporate quotation marks for the term brain drain as you were simply reiterating without introducing something new.

When you're writing, the formatting of the words you're using is extremely important. For example, do not just say that it is "better and more proper" when you could have opted for other words such as more beneficial. In that regard, you would have been able to create a more effective writing pattern for your essay to evade being baffling to the readers.

Lastly, always connect everything back to the concept that you've introduced. You made mention of brain drain in the earlier part of the text; however, you no longer used it in the latter parts, which is confusing given that it's supposed to be the core message of your writing. Always be cautious of the direction that your writing is heading into.

Writing Feedback / Online Studing - Positive or Negative? - IELTS Writing Task 2 [2]

@thinhvuduc1210
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! I'm here to give you feedback on your writing - and I hope that it somehow helps you out!

Firstly, you could have easily improved the first parts of the writing if only you had focused more on simplifying your utterances. For instance, instead of shifting around with varied types of terminologies, it would have been better if you stuck with only using online studying as it is more appropriate and commonplace to use in these situations. This would make your content a lot less baffling in the long-run because it will show how dedicated you are to the rest of the text. Sticking with these sorts of appropriate content will go a long way in being clearer.

Furthermore, the concluding remarks also have to be improved. Considering that you had such bulky texts, it would have been way nicer if you inserted more depth into this part of the writing to ensure that you are relaying the information in a clearer light. If you are able to do this, it would make your writing appear more put-together because the conclusion is imperative for the rest of the writing to become tied together.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 (to speak a foreign language can cause problems) [2]

@phantommandy
Hi there. Thanks for coming to the forum! I hope that this feedback gives you an idea of how to improve your writing.

First and foremost, try to shift the tone of your writing to something that's more formal. Especially since this is an IELTS task, it is imperative to ensure that you have an academic standard for your writing. For instance, if we take a look at the first paragraph's introductory sentence, you should have changed it to be able to ensure that you're relaying the details with more ease.

Being more technically correct with your writing is also imperative for the rest of your text. If I read what you've presented in your second paragraph, it was still a bit unclear what specifically you were trying to put out as your thesis statement. Try to be clearer with your language to ensure that you aren't going to be misinterpreted by your readers in the long-run.

The concluding paragraph should also be treated with the same regard.

Undergraduate / UBC essay about my diary as the most important thing to me [2]

@Bassant7
Hi there! Thanks for coming to the forum. I'll give you the appropriate feedback that you're asking for.

Personally, I do not think that this essay is particularly too personal for university purposes. However, you might want to cut down on the vague language; attempt to make something crystallized out of the situation instead of a mere shadow of what happened. If you are able to do this, you will truly be able to show the evaluators the value of the work that you are promoting. Also, I suggest trying to shift the focus of the writing from embracing the worthless moments of your life to something that's a tad bit more positive. While you were trying to relay these details on the second paragraph, I find that you should have inserted it in the earlier parts of the text, considering the fact that you needed to compartmentalize your writing a lot more. Try to insert some parts discussing courage on the earlier parts of the writing to make it clearer that this is part of your intentions to write.

Writing Feedback / Ielts task 2 - knowing how to behave well and learn god manners - such wisdom from school or home? [2]

@kl8600530z
Hi. Thanks for coming to the site! I hope that the feedback you receive here becomes helpful for your writing endeavors. Don't hesitate to approach us again if you have any additional questions.

The first paragraph from the get-go needed to be diluted and separated into three to four different sentences. Create shorter and simpler sentences that will make it easier for you to shape the rest of your writing, especially since you are dealing with such elaborate details.

Be cautious as well of the tenses and the forms of your verbs. Bear in mind the whole subject-and-verb-agreement notion that dictates how you should morph your writing.

It's also quite unnecessary to repeatedly mention that both of these factors are what "play a huge role" to the students, especially because you've already established this from the very beginning. Mentioning them too many times just appears to be an excessive use of word count - and this is imperative since you are working confined within these limits

The ending conclusion also has to include a more balanced approach to everything to create something that's more substantial. Try to stick with this as much as you can.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1-Comparative Graph CO2 [3]

@JoyceTran
Hi there! Thanks for coming to the site. I hope that the feedback you receive here will be helpful for your writing endeavors. Don't hesitate to approach us if you have any other questions!

Firstly, I think that the transition between the facts could still be improved if you focused more on organizing details of your text. For instance, the first sentence from the get-go needed to be shortened. You could opt to remove filler words that do not add value/substance to the rest of the text since this will help you crystallize the rest of your writing.

Be cautious as well of the formation of your sentences, specifically in references to your tenses. Currently, I have observed that you have a tendency to over-do some parts of the text. For instance, going back to the first paragraph, the last phrase should have had the "was" omitted from it to create something more concise.

Try your best to implement these to the rest of your writing. Good luck as always.

Writing Feedback / Translation of an article about remote work. (Needs revision) [5]

@Nasridean
Hi! Welcome to the site. I hope that the feedback you receive here gives you a clearer vision of what you should expect from the rest of the writing.

If you're aiming for a more natural or organic writing approach, I heavily recommend that you try to focus more on your articulation than anything else. For example, instead of saying that working remotely is trendy, you could have opted to describe it as the newest innovation in working. Notice how the latter has more weight to it than how it was previously described.

Being clearer with your language also goes a long way. Try to simplify the sentences on the last paragraph to ensure that you aren't going to be misunderstood in the rest of the text. Also, there's also a bit of confusion with the direction that you were trying to take your writing into. The whole link between "countries visited by business travelers" and the overall idea of remote work doesn't really flow well with the rest of the text.

Writing Feedback / Job satisfaction versus well-paid job [2]

@vuvietha
Hi there. Thanks for coming to the site once more! I hope that my feedback will help you improve your writing.

Generally speaking, the introduction is already quite good. It was straightforward - and yet, it also was packed with the necessary information to make the text more comprehensible.

Delving deeper into the writing, however, II find that you needed to work a bit more on the general flow of your text. Focus more on incorporating necessary punctuation marks to create for a smoother transition. Try to also omit unnecessary words throughout the writing. For instance, there were instances wherein you had inserted "that" just as an excessive word without a specific purpose. While these words may not do a lot of harm from the get-go, they definitely can be treated as just excessive language throughout.

I also noticed that you used two different examples in the third paragraph. This is excessive - just stick to one that has more weight to it. Comparisons outside of it do not really add anything other than over-explanations.

I feel as though the insertion of mental health in the discussion was a bit much for the rest for the writing because it's an over-extension. Stick with just the discussion of lifestyles - and maybe, you can add information about mental health on the latter parts of the discussion. This will make the writing a lot more comprehensible and easier to digest.

Undergraduate / Enriched through learning - UBC application question, what is important to you and why? [2]

@MacSir
Hi there. Thanks for coming to the site! I hope that this feedback of mine gives you an idea on how to improve your writing.

I appreciate the straightforward approach in the first paragraph. You were clear in what the important qualities meant to you - and this was echoed throughout the rest of your writing. As for the latter parts of the text, I find that you needed to hammer down more on experiences that are more relevant. For example, while you may find the need to talk about your experiences in the 10th grade, they don't really have much of a bearing in today's time because it's quite an outdated experience. Try to add more relevant and up-to-date experiences.

Aside from that, I think you're heading in the right direction. Keep this up!

Undergraduate / Struggling to Answer - UBC Personal Profile question - WHAT IS IMPORTANT TO YOU AND WHY [2]

@nsliwa
Hello. Good luck with your application! I hope that my feedback helps you somehow.

Firstly, let me address the fact that you shouldn't necessarily be too conscious when answering these types of essays. Remember that they do actually want you to talk about your experiences, therefore it wouldn't come off as boastful even if you tried hard.

From the looks of it, your writing is very well-written. You were able to beautifully knit together your experiences without being too overbearing for the evaluators. In hindsight, I do think that you could have improved your writing a bit more if you focused more on what that transition from IB Diploma to Certificate meant. Tackle it more in its technical level to give evaluators a better idea on what you are trying to mention in the text.

Writing Feedback / Ielts task 2 disadvantage of tourism and solution [2]

@jocelyne001
Hi there. Thanks for your continuous participation in the forum! I am hoping that the feedback you receive here will somehow help you in your writing endeavors. Don't hesitate to approach us once more if you have any additional concerns!

Firstly, try to create simpler-sounding sentences to ascertain that the delivery is clear. For instance, that first paragraph is clearly lacking the clarity that is often sought after. You could have just mentioned simply that there ongoing debates on the extent of the impact of tourism. This would have been a much more effective and well-packaged approach to the situation.

Furthermore, the latter parts of the text also have to be treated with the same regard. Notably, you need to focus more on creating more substantive and yet concise sentences. Take, for instance, that second paragraph's last sentence - that should have been cropped down to a shorter text, especially accounting for the fact that you weren't trying to explain anything that was too complex.

Graduate / Motivation Letter for Msc in Electrical Engineer - Budapest University of Technology and Economics [4]

@Saifur Rahman
Hi there. Welcome to the site! I will evaluate your writing.

Aside from what has already been said, the first parts of your essay still need to be compartmentalized, especially in reference to that first paragraph. While I understand that you were trying to insert as much information as necessary in this part, you were still unable to fully flesh out the reasons why this is a program that you are supposed to look after.

The second paragraph is also a bit confusing when it comes to the assessing the application materials. The insertion especially of the last sentence here appears to be a rather baffling insertion in the text. You could have cut it out from the moment you mentioned that you're an electrical engineer - as that would have been a lot more easier to digest for your evaluators.

Be cautious of your: punctuation, capitalization, and the general flow of text. I noticed that you still need to hammer down on creating more technically and academically correct texts.

Overall, work on the organization as well. Try to create a template before you proceed to just writing because this will help you minimize excessive and unnecessary language.

Writing Feedback / A policy that regulates international languages as mandatory subjects for youngsters (IELTS 2) [2]

@Ali20
Hi there. Thanks for being a continuous participant in the forum! I hope that this feedback gives you insight on how to improve your writing.

Firstly, always tackle the details heads-on in a way that will help you become more specific with the information you put out here. For instance, the introductory paragraph could still have been shaped in this manner. As a rule of thumb, try asking yourself follow-up questions after each sentence that you write. A clear essay shouldn't leave any untrimmed edges unanswered in order to boldly proclaim what the thesis statement is.

Furthermore, try to use more appropriate language that will not cause confusion in the minds of the readers. If we take a look at your third paragraph, for example, the second sentence's mention of a "large collaboration" doesn't necessarily make a whole lot of sense. You could have jumped straight into explaining that this is a method of networking than anything else. In that sense, you could have created something that was more straightforward and easily comprehensible.

The conclusion also needs to be hammered down more because you cannot merely just re-declare your position. You need to provide a second layer of analysis for the readers in this part of the text.

Undergraduate / Importance of Baseball - UBC Application [3]

@jaden51
Hi there. Thanks for approaching the site. I hope that the feedback you receive here will be helpful for your writing endeavors! Don't hesitate to approach us if you have any other additional questions - we'd love to help you out!

I appreciate the introductory part of your writing. It was short and sweet - and yet, it was able to give relay a level of passion that is often sought after in these types of application materials. Keep this up!

To improve your writing, I do think that the latter parts of the essay should be compartmentalized still. For instance, while I think that the third paragraph was alright in giving out the specific experience that you had that shaped your perception of baseball, it was a bit excessive. I think you could have gotten away with merging the third and the fourth paragraph by cutting down on the irrelevant information found on the third. Just try your best to balance out your thoughts and opinions - and it should go a long way.

Aside from that, the concluding remarks or the manner in which you capped your essay by the end was also quite alright. You were specific and bold with your introduction, making it easier to discern the content.

Undergraduate / Air Cadets, full of suprises and changes. - UBC Personal Profile Essay [3]

@student986
Hi there! Thanks for coming to the site for assistance. I hope my feedback gives you an idea on how to improve your writing.

Firstly, while I think that you were trying to ensure from the get-go how adaptation is the primary skill that you have, this didn't necessarily translate well to the rest of the writing. I heavily recommend that you try to keep your writing a lot more focused, especially since the latter parts should be more value-based in its writing orientation. Always, always go back to the core value that you have introduced, especially because this will give you the leverage necessary to prove to the evaluators that you definitely have laser-vision focus on this specific trait.

As for the latter parts of the writing, I find that you still needed to address certain areas. For example, I also agree with the prior comment that you needed to hammer down more on how this specific career has oriented you to become who you are now.

Writing Feedback / Bar Chart Production and Consumption of Electricity (IELTS Cambridge 13) - Test 3 Task 1 [4]

@yahsuanamber
Hello! Welcome to the forum. I'm a contributor, so I am hoping that this feedback of mine gives you an idea on how to improve this essay.

Firstly, be extra cautious when you are using (and not using) punctuation marks. Missing out on the appropriate placements can be dragging for your essay, especially since you need to be able to compartmentalize your writing to make it appear a lot more effective in giving out details. Try to be paraphrase parts of the writing that can be worked on. For instance, the last sentences of the second paragraph should be paraphrased in a way that will give your writing more presence. Avoid repetitive words as much as possible.

The last paragraph also needs to be hammered down more because it appears as though you were focusing too much on a single country's concern, rather than really giving out something that's comprehensive and focused.

Essays / How to write an argumentative essay about technology? [2]

@Ali wasfy
Hi there! Thanks for coming to the forum. I'm a contributor - and I hope that my feedback gives you an idea on how to improve your writing.

Your writing is alright, however I do think that you need to focus more on the technical angle of writing. For instance, your usage of appropriate punctuation marks is still lacking throughout, making it even harder to comprehend the rest of the text.

Taking things further, the latter parts of the writing also need to be standardized a bit more. If we take a look at the third paragraph, for example, it is clear that you needed to divide this into three to four different (and definitely shorter) sentences to create something that would appear to be more meaningful.

Writing Feedback / Spend money developing public transportation or developing new kinds of cars (IELTS TASK 2) [2]

@Ali20
Hello there. Thanks for actively participating in the forum! I hope that my feedback gives you an idea on how to improve your writing.

First and foremost, the first parts of the writing are a bit confusing. The introductory paragraph is a bit too spread out for its purpose of writing. I heavily recommend that you try to keep it more compartmentalized, especially if you're intending to expand it on the latter parts of the text. I would heavily suggest here omitting a huge part of the second sentence because you could have allocated this space instead for the body paragraphs. Being more balanced definitely counts here.

Furthermore, your conclusion also has to be treated in the same light. That concluding remark still needs to be stretched out because it is (now) merely just about your personal opinion - instead of, for instance, providing an extended analysis on the paper itself. Be more specific in this regard.

Undergraduate / "How building toys actually made me a better person" - UBC Personal Profile [3]

@student986
Hi there. Thanks for coming to the site! I'm a contributor - and I hope my feedback gives you insight on how to improve this essay of yours. Don't hesitate to approach us again!

I agree with the previous comment that you need to work a bit more on adding flair and personality to your writing, especially since you are considering adding these sorts of information for the rest of the text. What you can do to improve what you currently have now is to try and compartmentalize the details you've laid out. What I can recommend to improve the organization of your writing will be to definitely try and create a briefing at the very beginning of your text. Introduce first which values you believe are associated with yourself - afterward, you can proceed to giving out details as to why you think these details are associated with you. Enabling this will give you a better idea on how to improve the totality of your writing, which will help you curate a more established writing approach.

Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / British travel - IELTS WRITING TASK 1 MIXED GRAPHS [5]

@Rosiee Nguyen
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! I hope that this feedback of mine gives you insight on how to improve your writing. Please don't hesitate to ask if you have any more additional questions as we'd love to entertain them!

I don't think there's anything that's extremely wrong with your writing. However, I do find that you can still improve the overall academic appeal of the writing, especially because the certain parts of the text are still a little bit outdated. For example, that first paragraph should have been divided into two to three different sentences to create something that's more comprehensive.

While I think that your observations were generally okay, they still lacked that push to be considered as properly written out. For instance, the excessive usage of numbers throughout the third paragraph can be interpreted in such a lousy manner, especially because it doesn't really flow well with the rest of the writing. What you could have done is substitute these intervals with more descriptive phrases to create more dynamism in the writing that'll be more appropriate for the rest of the text.

Undergraduate / UBC Personal Profile Sister's Comparison [2]

@CasualCasual
Hi there. Thanks for coming to the forum! I hope my feedback helps you out somehow.

While I find that there isn't anything absurdly wrong with the content of the first paragraph, I find that this sort of comparison perspective is irrelevant for the rest of the writing. You don't necessarily need to be upfront about the fact that you have been repeatedly compared to your sister. Try your best to omit this out of your story, especially because it can come out as off-putting to your evaluators. While you may find this to be an emotional subject, it is quite inappropriate to include such information for a personal application statement.

Instead, the second paragraph should be what you are focused more. Be more specific here when you're introducing traits. For instance, don't just say that you have had multiple charity events in accordance with Operation Smile. Instead, make mention of what these events are - and how they affect you in the long-haul. Bear in mind that this is how you are going to be able to improve the rest of your writing.

Writing Feedback / Two Maps shows the present layout and future plan of a small town called Islip [2]

@Yukison
Hi there! Welcome to the forum. I hope that my feedback gives you an idea on how to improve your writing. Don't hesitate to ask if you have any more questions!

Be more technical in writing, meaning focus a lot more on angles of writing that will benefit the appeal of your work. For instance, that first sentence can be reiterated and interpreted as: These diagrams illustrate the Islip's present layout and future plans. Notice how this version is much shorter and yet still relays the message you were trying to put out there. The same goes for the rest of your text.

With regards the last paragraph, try to also be more dedicated when focusing on the entirety of the text. That last sentence should still be improved by being more concrete with the information that you're sharing.

Scholarship / Medical physics - MY SUPPORTING STATEMENT FOR QECS APPLICATION [3]

@XPROFF
Hi there. Thanks for coming to the forum! I hope that my feedback gives you insight on how to improve this writing of yours.

First and foremost, while I think that there isn't anything that's glaringly wrong about your writing, you can still improve the initial parts of the essay if you focus a lot more on building the technical angle of your writing. What this pertains to would be to focus a lot more on giving out the technical information that's necessary for the evaluators to establish the reason why you have chosen this particular program. For instance, what I have noticed is that you focused a lot more on your experiences in the first paragraph; while this is a necessary part in writing, it certainly doesn't do a lot in establishing the emotional and passion-based angle of your application.

Try to also merge together the second and third paragraph. Your current fourth paragraph needs to be expounded a lot more because you were unable to fully relay the reasons as to why you have chosen this particular field. In the fifth paragraph, merely mentioning that you browsed their website is insufficient. Be more specific with what made you truly invested and interested in this program. If you are able to do this, you can go a long way.

Undergraduate / Traumatized - Writing review and improvisations that can be done [2]

@smuthu21
Hey, welcome to the forum! I hope my feedback gives you an idea on how to improve your writing. Don't hesitate to approach us should you have any more additional information that you wish to tell!

First and foremost, while I appreciate the creativity in the first parts of the writing, I think that you could have improved this part if you properly created a more specific and detailed account of your application. I have noticed that this is supposed to be a paper to convince the committee that you deserve a spot in their place. Generally speaking, these types of essays should contain more practical and specific information about you as an application, not merely just a story-time on an event that you think would have helped you.

Furthermore, try to sandwich information that you are sharing to the readers. For instance, don't just jump straight-up and mention that your GPA is low. Instead, try to reclaim the phrasing in a way that won't degrade you as an application. If you really want to mention that your GPA is low, then mention it before the part where you start talking about your personal motivation to succeed.

Undergraduate / Personal Statement for Exchange to Caltech | To be graded by fellow students | Impressions of me? [2]

@Raikhyt
Hi there. Thanks for coming to the site! I hope that my feedback gives you an idea on how to improve your writing. Please don't hesitate to approach us should you have any more questions.

Firstly, improve that introductory sentence, bearing in mind the fact that first impressions last in these types of applications. It is insufficient for you to merely mention outright that you wish to go on an exchange. Rather, try to be make it appear more dramatic to create a more lasting impression in the mindset of the readers. If you are able to do this, then you will show the evaluators that this goes more in-depth in the latter parts of your writing.

Try to also be more organized when you're presenting your extracurricular activities. In that same light, you can try to minimize the usage of excessive parts of the essay that are not imperative for the overall writing purpose. Focus a lot more on what you can offer to the exchange program compared to a normal student - this will show them that you are purposeful in your intent in wanting to be a part of the program.

Graduate / Personal Statement for MSc in Advanced Computing Science with Big Data - Word count: 499 [2]

@jayathungek
Hi there. Thanks for coming to the site! I hope that this feedback of mine will give you a better idea on how to improve your writing. Don't hesitate to approach and ask us if you have any more questions.

Generally, I appreciate the flow of writing that you have simply because you have quite an extensive grasp of the language, which makes it then easier to comprehend the rest of the text. Despite of this fact, I also still think that you can still improve your writing especially if we were to discuss the general organization of the text. What this typically pertains to is definitely the fact that you were still unable to build-up the reasons why you really have passion for the field - a trait that I feel as though is overlooked when discussing applications and personal statements. In this regard, try to create a briefing on what initially created your interested in the field because this will be what will foster that attitude and reverence in totality.

The conclusion should also be improved. Rather than focusing entirely on why this field is one that will be scaled in the future, I think that you should have also opted to explain things from your perspective - on what you can contribute beyond what it can give to you. Showing that you will be a valuable part of the university is, after all, truly critical to establish a more productive perception for you.

Research Papers / Importance of Mothers and Fathers and the Importance of Marriage-ENG102 Rio Salado Stanley M. [2]

@standrea425
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! I hope that this feedback of mine gives you insight on how to improve your writing; please don't hesitate to approach if you have any more questions!

The first paragraph is alright (from a superficial viewpoint). I do think that you can still improve it if you focus a lot more enhancing the entirety of the text. For example, incorporating more complexity in the language usage and the usage of punctuation marks can go a long way.

Try to also be more academic with your usage of language. For instance, if we take a look at your second paragraph's first sentence, you could have opted to mention that there is a shift in the family dynamics instead of trying to reiterate it in a different light. Try to also evade using personal experiences to expand on these thoughts, especially because they aren't really ultimately useful for the rest of the text itself. Being more specific will go a long way compared to anything else that's here.

Remember also that citations should be placed on the last part of the sentence before the punctuation mark because this will be a lot better in the long-run. Just be more specific as you can - and you'll be alright.

Writing Feedback / Opinions of the elderly vs the young - IELTS ACADEMIC Writing Task 2. [2]

@thuylinh050900
Welcome to the site! I hope that this feedback of mine will give you a better idea on how to improve your writing in totality. If you are able to do this, please don't hesitate to approach and ask me for additional details.

The first paragraph can still be improved if you are able to be more technical with your manner of writing. For instance, that first sentence should be divided into two different ones to create more organization in your writing. Afterwards, try to be more specific with what information you're trying to introduce. For instance, what are these traditional points of view that you were trying to reiterate? If you are more descriptive and specific, it would help a lot with your writing.

The same concepts should be applied everywhere else in your writing. If we take a look at your current third paragraph, it clear how you were still unable to relay information properly. The third sentence, for instance, still needs to be heavily improved. Be more consistent with the formatting that you're using in your words, especially when working with bulky content. This will tremendously help in creating that formal imagery that people are typically seeking for when they are writing.

Writing Feedback / Genetically Modified Foods: Helpful or Harmful? (Respond essay) [2]

@puppy1111
Hi there. Thanks for coming to the forum! I hope my feedback gives you an idea on how to improve your writing.

Firstly, the introductory can still be improved if you focused a lot more on briefing the readers before jumping straight onto the facts. It is almost never recommended to introduce information from the get-go without clarifying first what the content of the writing would be about, especially because you will be risking merely writing things without a purpose/direction.

Furthermore, when you have already introduced an acronym, it would be unnecessary to repeatedly mention it. For instance, after the first time you mentioned that genetically modified foods are GMOs, then the next times that you expound on GMOs, you would only need to write out GMOs without needing to expand it again. This generally should make your writing a lot clearer.

Be concise as well with the formatting of your citations. From what I can tell, putting out "as cited in" is not really necessary (there's no type of citation in which this will fall under). If you're trying to stick with APA, then juststick with that format.

Undergraduate / Berea College - Bachelor of Business Application Essay for International Student [3]

@bsuzunoglu
HI there! Thanks for coming to the forum. I'll just answer your questions at the very end, so you may assess your writing in accordance to the feedback provided there!

The introduction is alright. However, I would suggest that you try to incorporate a briefing on why all of that information contributes to your goal in pursuing the business degree. While it may appear as though you are indirectly mentioning this already, it would be much better if you are able to relay this piece of information more directly and heads-on. This will serve as your thesis statement that will be carried over also as the core message of the rest of the text.

I think that the essay does cover all of the topics available, which is a great thing because it means you aren't leaving out any critical information that can help them in the assessment of your application. You also do not necessarily have any glaring grammar and punctuation mistakes; however, you do have a tendency to create lengthy, complex sentences which can create quite a blurry message for the rest of the text.

I would suggest deleting the part where you discuss about your Armenian friendly simply because it only clutters your writing. It doesn't really stand out in your application, therefore it won't really add a tremendous amount into the weight of your application. Simply stick with your credentials instead of trying to over-extend the analysis of your application.

The conclusion is a bit off-putting in my opinion because it is too vague. Try to be more specific - focus entirely on the reasons why you have chosen this specific university instead of trying to praise the country too much. Remember that these core messages are what are more important than anything else.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - Discuss of improving public health is by increasing the numbers of sports facilities [2]

@roswita116
Hi. Thanks for your continuous participation in the forum! I hope my feedback gives you an idea on how to improve this essay of yours. Don't hesitate to approach and ask if you have any more questions.

Be cautious of the technical angle in writing. The punctuation, spacing, and the general practicality of your essay writing should all be accounted for when you are writing. Try to be more formal with your language and manner of composition. For example, the last sentence of the first paragraph is still incredibly informal because of the manner of writing. Be more inclined to use more complex and academic-sounding words throughout to ensure that you will be received well by the readers.

Be cautious as well of run-on sentences that should be treated with ease. If we take a look at your third paragraph's second sentence, for example, it is clear that it should be instead two to three shorter sentences to create a more concise writing approach.

The last paragraph should be the merging of the summation and conclusion. While you have provided the summary, the conclusion part of this paragraph is still lacking because it is insufficient to merely make mention of things in this manner.

Research Papers / "The Culture" Research essay of police subculture [2]

@joi2018
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! Thanks for coming around. I hope my feedback gives you an idea on how to improve your writing.

While I appreciate the attempt to be more creative in the first paragraph, you generally still lacked a bit of substance when it comes to relaying the core message that you're supposed to give out to the readers. From reading the first paragraph, I cannot fully comprehend yet what you were attempting to discuss - something that should have been prioritized from the very beginning. You should really focus a lot more on giving a clear and comprehensible thesis statement that will clearly relay what the core message of the writing is.

Your writing, generally, also appears to be a bit cluttered because of how you change from one point of topic to another. Having a more organized and inherently structured writing approach can definitely help you in the long-run - that way, you wouldn't baffle the readers any longer with the content that you're putting out there.