Writing Feedback / TOEFL; More important to work quickly& risk making mistakes [7]

The most important task here is to complete your essay with must features. As I see, your essay need to have an introduction, body paragraphs (them 4,5 or any number you like) and the conclusion. Then, you need to adopt the right approach, have good grammar , display your vocabulary knowledge and have a good flow with best clarity. Even I too support the 4 para approach because it helps you complete your task with the features I mentioned by meeting your time requirement. Remember, this task has a major bearing on time. If you complete it with 4 paras (2 body paras) before the allowed time, you can go back and add another para to make it a 5 para essay. In whatever scenario, the important point is you complete the task with intro, body paras, conclusion together with other features that help you score marks within the time allocated for you.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL- studnets prefer home-schooling rather than trditional schools [3]


I guess your topic is about which is better for students - Home schools or Traditional schools? , and not about what students prefer. You always need to keep a good alignment between what your topic means and your writing.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: animal experiments & animal rights [7]

Very good intro. You follow a very good approach, good grammar and vocabulary and impressive presentation :)


.... I wish your conclusion was more inclined towards your opinion on the issue which is ;


Overall, great writing. This is a very good essay and with this level of writing, you would surely aim at a very good band at IELTS :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 : Encouraging sense of competition or cooperation in childhood [8]


This is actually is different from what your prompt says -

Your prompt simply asks you which one, "competition" or "corporation" , should be encouraged. You can take a moderate stance by saying both are equally important, however, when you introduce your issue topic, you should not change it to the way you like. You should introduce the issue in its original sense to the reader. What you've done above is not proper.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Garlsdon City on plan to build a supermarket [3]

As per the map's featuresAccording to the map, the suggestedproposed location (no comma) S2, for building a new supermarket(no comma) is placed in the residenta residential area. Also in the south-west and south-east of the map there are 2tworush belt cities.

Writing Feedback / Concrete produce: cement, water, sand and gravel are poured to a concrete mixer [5]

Yes, you need to have the diagram uploaded and without it , we cannot really verify what you have written :(
Also, follow dumi's approach for this task. According to that, you need to have an OVERVIEW inserted before the body paras (detail paras). Further, this task really does not require a conclusion. Conclusion is an important feature for IELTS Task 2 which is an independent writing task. This one is more on to report writing and therefore your task here is to report what the diagram presents to the reader.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Children find it difficult to concentrate or pay attention in schools [13]


Here we go with the first body para :D

First, the advancement of communication technology had been the main reason for this problem. The Internet, mobile phones and various other communication devices and gadgets have already occupied a great space in the lives of children today. These things act as major distractions for children and disturb their concentration on studies. For example, school kids sometimes secretly play computer games on their mobile phones while the teacher is explaining a lesson in the class.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2:should physical education be optional in school or not? [3]


... Well, can you please give us the references where you find this information. It is worth for us to have a look at that because we (dumi and many other contributors in this forum) suggest this approach. Also, I have my own personal experience with IELTS and I secured an overall band score of 8.5 for writing by following this approach. May be you've got a point there, but it is not so severe as I secured a good band score. It is great if you share that information source with us.

Writing Feedback / Misbehaviour of students at school [4]

There are many reasons behind this situationproblem. However, there are some remedies remedial measures that can be takenemployed to overcome this menace.

In most of the families,for example ,both parents are working to meet their living expenses.


.... this sentence would read better if it is not so lengthy.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: UK Tourism (Departure and Arrival) [4]

The bar graphline graphs presentshowsinformation on UK tourism in terms of departure and arrivals over a 20-year period, while the bar chart presents UKresidence's destinations in 1999.the details of foreign travels made by UK citizens in 1999.

Overall, the number international travel done by UK residents was far higherabovethan the number of UK departure rate by the foreignerswho traveled in the UK from 1979 to 1999. However, Further, France noted asremained the most favourite tourismtourist destination for English peopletravelersin the highest number of tourism in 1999.

Graduate / Master's in Computing(specialization) Personal Statement, any commends? [4]


Well, I feel you have not answered this part adequately. This is all what you have written to answer this question;


I think they would be most interested in knowing how you are going to be benefited by their course. So you should have first talked about your long-term academic and career plans in detail (you've done that, but very briefly) and then show how the features of this program are aligned with your goals.

Writing Feedback / the charts below give information about travel to and from UK. [6]

The line graph comparespresents a comparison between the number of travelers had been visitedvisits to and from the UK, during the period between 1979 and 1999. The bar chart illustrates the amount of visits by UK inhabitantscitizens in five outstandingpopular travel destinationscountriesin the last year of period shownin 1999.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: factor of choosing a career. [8]


.... well, the salary is more or less a personal choice than a societal one. So, I suggest you to present this idea a little bit differently;

For many people, the choice of career depends on the remuneration package it offers.


... good approach :)
To begin with, I agree that in order for people to cover their the daily and general needs of people, they need money as well.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Using a computer every day can have more negative than positive effects [9]


.... well, let me give some of my thoughts too :)
Your overall approach for the essay looks good except for the intro. Follow dumi's approach for the intro when you do your next essay. However, the body paras look good. They contain the reasons for defending your view, plus the examples. The main weakness I find with your writing is that your sentences are too lengthy;


.... such length disturbs the flow ... :(

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Total school spending in the UK [5]

Yes, dumi is right. The overview must present more relevant info about the graphs.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Teaching is harder than it was in the past. [4]

Your intro looks pretty lengthy and it might put you in trouble at the exam.

Undergraduate / Rutgers Transfer Recommended Acceptance Essay [4]

A Rutgers education will allow me to attain my personal and professional goals through a high quality education recognized worldwide. A higher education is very valuable to me because I believe it will build a bridge to the person that I dream of becoming.the my desired career path with what I actually study now.

I think you need to have a more focus on you in your writing. Avoid talking about known general stuff. Give them a chance to know you better through your writing :)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL..Dormitory or apartment? Which is better for students to choose? [9]

Yes, she will for sure :D and so do we too :)

As dumi keeps telling, I too feel that you write pretty well :) However, I wish you include examples (mostly in specific nature) to support your reasoning.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Freedom for creative artist - 'show their idealism freely' [7]


Yes, I too agree with dumi :)


... this has several issues - grammar, clarity , presentation :(
Boredom and less freedom do lots of harm to a creative artist as he or she can never come up with any creative work when they suffer with these feelings.

This essay too looks a bit bulky. Have you managed time well for this task or you ran out of time? You need to stick to a particular approach if you aim at going for a great score.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Part of nation's history - "Old building" [3]

This body para is too lengthy :( You should be mindful about the time you spend on each para as your target should be to complete the essay on time.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task - CHANGING CAREER AND PLACE OF LIVING ; POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE? [7]

It is felt by many that changing careers ensures financial security because people shift their careers to earn better salaries .people can progress in their careers when they change career to better their prospects.

Thus it clearly shows that people change their careers to earngain monetary benefits .
Take example ofthe famous Indian cricketer Navjot Singh Sidhu for example.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - Employers should provide smoking areas for their employees [4]

First, it is great had you included the prompt of this task in this thread. Your prompt provides us lots of information and we can provide you with more meaningful comments as we can align our comments with what your prompt requires.

So I think it is better to probodeprovide a seperateseparate area for the employees who smoke.

Writing Feedback / Ielts task 2: What factors measure country's status. [3]

You write very well. First, you follow a good approach and your essay is well structured. Second, you have good ideas and you adequately defend your position with good reasons and examples. Pay a little more attention to grammar and vocabulary. Also pay attention to what dumi has suggested above. Those are great suggestions :)


See, you've got the credit from dumi too, which very rarely comes from her ....LOL ;)

Writing Feedback / Being a celebrity has plenty of benefits than downsides [6]


... well, this is not a strong hook. You need to open your essay with a hook (opening statement) that has the ability to grab your reader's attention. So, the hook needs to be catchy, interesting and most importantly relevant to your topic because hook should provide a great entrance to your essay. This particular sentence lacks those qualities to qualify to be a good hook.

Writing Feedback / Some people say the world would be a better place without private cars [3]

It has been argued that if there are no cars in the world, life would be more agreeablecomfortable. (stop here) whereas someHowever, there some people who believe that private cars are very imperativean essential part in their life.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Children from poorer families are more successful in the future life. [7]

According to some people, child who is brought up in less well-off family is more quick-witted and he or she can tackle with an adult life problems in adult life better than who isa child comes from an affluent onesfamily


Well, this does not seem to be directly aligned with your opinion. In the body paras you need to justify your opinion by giving reasons as to why you hold that opinion and then support them with examples.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Foreign language instruction should begin in kindergarten [4]

You need to have examples to support your reasoning. Examples earn you marks.

Writing Feedback / Ielts task 2: Recent medical problems and sedentary lifestyle. [9]

It seems you follow a very good approach for this task :)
To begin with, I agree that sedentary lifestyle leads to many serious health problems.
The main reason why people are becoming so addicted to sittingat their homes even for the whole day is an advance technology.physically inactive is due to the influence of advance technology.


First, the environmental pollution is one of the major threats that the world is facing today that has given rise to greenhouse gas emissions.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1. Parcels delivered by Federal Express and TNT Mail Services [5]

This detail body para is too bulky. Slim it down and have two body paras. :) Have some logic to separate paras. You can have one for describing the trends of both TNT and Federal Express and the next para for contrasting them. Or you can have one for TNT and the other for Federal Express. It is always good to have two paras instead of one :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Birth and Death rates in Switzerland [4]

Yes, this is very very good writing, I must say :)
As dumi also mentioned, I too like if you had one more para for the body (details). I don't think it would be difficult for you :) You write very well and why not get the maximum score for this task? :D

How about time? Have you been able to finish it on time? If so, you are ready to take up the task :)

Undergraduate / US College application essay. check my essay for mistakes. [4]

I would like to get an Associate in Arts degree in Business major at [US College] for transfer to a university and get a Business Administration degree(this part is not very clear .... I think you better rephrase) . The first reason I choosefor choosing this college is that the collegeit is quite near the home of my older brother who lives in California. This is convenient and cost effective for me a foreign student like me, to go from home to the school Secondly, the most important reason is that as I have entered [college's website] to learn procedures for enrollment, I have seenfounda very impressive comment along with a portraitprofile of a student who is the same nationality as me (I removed the brackets) on the website of the college. This makes me believe that the college is suitable for me to continue my education and I mightwould be welcomed there.

Writing Feedback / IELTS academic rich-poor conflict [6]


.... It is not very clear that you talk about the gap between the individuals or the nations. Better specify.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: technology affects people's interaction with each other [8]

Ok, you can adopt the same approach (dumi's suggestion for INTRO) here;
It is true that newly-invented technologies have been changing the way we communicate with each other.(hook)
They have also affected people's relationships in various ways resulting both positive and negative effects (background)
However, in my own opinion, I believe the negatives outweigh the positives of technological influence on human relationships. (thesis statement)

Writing Feedback / Decisions that are made quickly are always wrong. Do you agree or disagree? [6]

To begin with my reasons, decisions made in a hurry can often cause problems. We won't be able to analyze the problemsproblem or think about its long term effectsconsequences when we make decisions in a rush . For instance, personal decisions say aboutlike decisions onmarriage needs to be given serious considerations to avoidthe results will be devastating results in future in case if the decision goes wrong.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: In the modern world, we should never be impolite to another person. [7]

Pay attention to the approaches that dumi and eddies have suggested above. As dumi has rightly said, this essay is way too lengthy for this task. Remember, time plays a very vital role in this task and if you do not follow an appropriate approach during your test sessions, you would not be able to train yourself to finish this target on time when you are at the exam. So, you need to practice your essays following an appropriate approach for this task.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 : Effects of Technology on people's relationship. [9]

You need to pay attention to your essay structure. Follow the approach dumi has suggested. It helps you earn a good score as well as manage time efficiently for this task at the exam. I can see you write very well. However, the organization of paragraphs need lots of improvement. You should at least have 4 paras (as dumi has suggested above) that includes introduction, body paras and a conclusion. Otherwise you may lose lots of marks as your essay is not aligned with their marking criterion.

Letters / 'recommending Ms. A' - SCHOLARSHIP PROGRAM [4]


It is with great pleasure that I recommend Ms A for the program of Master's Degree in Business Administration at your esteemed institution. I have known her since ????? in the capacity of her professor in Accounting.


... I think you better rephrase this sentence. What is the importance of mentioning this particular detail? Give more emphasis to that factor!

Writing Feedback / IELTS. X Disease Cases in Someland (1960-1995) [4]

The line graph illustrates the change number regarding the number of cases of X disease occurringreported over 35 years in Someland from 1960 to 1995.

As an overall trendOverall, some periods over those years experienced stable at case numbers while other showed either increase or decrease.
Well, this is what I suggest;
Overall, the number of cases had a gradual increment between 1965 to 1980 and thereafter it had experienced a steady decline up to zero level by the end of the period.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2: Problems encountered by students in abroad [9]


Yes, word "hail" is not wrong and that is the very reason I did not change it in the first instance you used it;


... I suggested you to change it when you are using it repeatedly in the second line as it is too quick to be repeated. Repetition is not recommended so much in essay writing be it an idea, word or even a phrase. Hope you got my point too :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: dangers derived from the use of chemicals in food production [3]

This intro is too lengthy and you will run into problems if you do not handle time for each section of your essay. Stick to hook, background and thesis statement. Otherwise you would be wasting time on intro unnecessarily.


What does this mean? Is it -
First, many chemicals are being used to preserve food for future consumption.
They know that noodle contain matter of chemical such preservative (sodium benzoate) which is dangerous for their brain.

You need to pay lots of attention to your essay structure. You still haven't grasped the idea about what features it should contain. Follow dumi's guidelines if you aim at a good IELTS band.