Letters / LETTER OF MOTIVATION FOR RWTH, AACHEN ADMISSION [8]

Prince, I believe the revised version is better than the original one.
I'm grateful that our insights here on EF are helping you.

Now, as much as I would like to give you a go signal in submitting your essay, I believe
you can still enhance it, I would like to share my remarks with the focus on the last two
paragraphs of your essay.

- The university is reputed as well as famousinstitution is reputable and known for metallurgy
- ThisIt ( this - is use when an object or the subject is near or pointed at a close range )
- After completing my masters,
- ThatIt would be an
- being theto be a part of one of the
- most reputedreputable research
- based universities ofin the world.

- In other perspective, as a curious history student, [....] exam 'Start Deutsch 1' on 1st April.( I'm not sure how this part of the essay will be helpful for you so I suggest removing them from the essay.

- I am not the best in world, but( never think less of yourself ) Armed with the useful
- I can certainly prove the worthiness that I am upholding. Afterwill prove my worth and after Graduating
- in June, 2016 I am absolutely ready to join in winter semester in October of same year, and have no doubt in seeing myself as the part of RWTH Aachen University. I hope to hear from you in the near future.will follow through with my education and RWTH Aachen University will be a great addition to my preparation for a great career in the future.

There you have it Prince, I hope I was able to help.

Writing Feedback / The line graph reveals information about educator recruitment, located in Ontario over 7-year period [4]

- information abouton educator recruitment,
- located in Ontario over a seven-year period,
- startedstarting from 2001 to 2007.
- Overall, it can beis obviously be

HI Mita, as you can see above, I made just a few remarks on your essay.
You have written your essay quiet well, this is very evident in the words that
you choose in analyzing the graph. I like the fact that you didn't stick to the normal
or usual words that are used in essays especially in interpreting the graph.

Moreover, you made sure that the graph is analyzed in brief and concise manner.
This way, the readers are able to comprehend properly and follow through your
analysis.

I hope my insights help Mita and do let us know when you need further assistance.

Writing Feedback / Total percentage of teachers enlisting in Ontario City (2001 - 2007) who teach English and French [3]

- about the total percentage
- from that information that ,
- despite the had experienced, ( don't forget your punctuation marks )
- decreased but over the period, the level increased slightly.

- Looking into the detail on, the
- data showed started

- Turning to total percentages of
- to nearly 50% in the next year.
- Moreover, the rate washas showed
- an increased rapidly
- Over the next years to finish in 2007,
- the percentage rise rapidly in which despite hadand the
- experienced dropped slightly below
- 70% in 2007 but it peaked at over 72% in the last period.

Adie, in this analysis, you were able to grasp the idea of the graph, however, the
description of what you think is the interpretation of your analysis is not shown
in your essay. I believe what you can do in cases or paper work like this is,
keep your analysis focused on your subject, make sure that it is represented properly and
the facts are accurate.

I hope this helps.

Writing Feedback / It is evident that the parents and teachers have an essential key to manage the children's lifestyle [3]

Anita, after reading and understanding your essay, I believe you were able to point out a very good argument.
In an argument, you always have two sides of ideas, one that is gearing towards the positive effects of the topic
or issue at hand and the other one is the negative one that contradicts the facts of the subject.

Moreover, I like the fact that you created a simultaneous order of the idea that you presented in the argument.
You made sure that the opinion that you have are separated by the order of the idea, at the same time, you
were able to link the idea together at the end of the essay.

Now, for future reference, try to widen your net on the topic at hand, this way you will be able
to set a higher grid for your writing pieces. It will also help if you review the language rules before writing,
this helps avoid minor as much as major strikes in your essay.

Writing Feedback / Media should have a duty to publish only verified information and focus more on the important news [4]

Adie, I'd like to help enhance your essay by focusing on the 2nd and 3rd paragraph.
Upon reading it, I believe this is where you will be needing some modifications.

2nd paragraph
- First and foremost( this phrase, "first and foremost" is not observed in todays writing format ) ,
- medias should have ahas the duty
- to give each and every information
- into the public is
- matched which is not onlycredible and not one sided .
- Because tT he consumer
- that there are many levels of people

3rd paragraph
- every a news their publication
- provides to the society have
- a social education insidealongside of it .
- as such artist's
- personal life which their personal life cannotthat might not be a role
- model in the society.
- the rule to give information in society truethe role to be very efficient and true to what they provide the public with, information or entertainment alike .

There you have it Adie, what I notice here is your lack of association with the words with your ideas, you seem to have the idea

in your head but you were not able to transpire it in your essay. I hope this helps.

Writing Feedback / A breakdown of the integration problems for people of different age who live overseas [3]

- aged who live in overseas
- At firsta ( it's not necessary to say " at first " as a "glance" is only done once and you never glance again, instead you "look" at something )

- all the people in
- different agedages face
- shortingsorting out healthcare,
- sorting outheir t finances
- that is also the main

- Turning to the next analysisMoreover , the group
- of people aged over 55
- findfound the main trouble
- for my children.

Hadi, the analysis you made are quiet accurate, you made sure that the numbers, facts and figures are what
the graph illustrates. I hope my remarks helped. For future writing reference, be careful with the linking verbs
that you use in your sentences. Linking verbs may be small words but they help make your sentence mean more sense.

Writing Feedback / Information about the level of education among Bulgarians who chose to live in another country [2]

- elected by Bulgarianspeople
- in some years,for the following years,
- At firsta glance
- most of Bulgarianspeople
- go and lived in another
- than anotherthe other level of education,
- higher education and, primary and lower education.

- with thatthis level stood at
- 65% in 2002, and it wasa peakhas peaked among 3 years.
- Afterwards, tT his category
- declined minimallyto at least 4%,

There you have it Linda, the corrections I made is focused on the word form and usage of the words in your sentences that
makes up your essay. What I suggest is that you try to play with words and avoid using the same words through out the essay.

I hope this helped!

Scholarship / Essay for scholarship award for a university in Australia - convincing government to give support [7]

Hi Dara, I'm happy that you were able to get help from all of us here on EF.
I hope that you will continue writing and read a lot, this two are the exercises that I
practice everyday, whenever I can and whenever it's possible.

One more thing, when you write, try to criticize your work on your own, this way you will be able
to see your work on a different perspective and nor only that, you will be able to edit it yourself,
the same way a third person would do, this practice will also help you modify and enhance your
essay. Draft your essay as many times as you can, this way you will be able to see if there's
anything else that needs to be done to better your essay.

I hope to more of your essays or any other writing here on EF
so we will be able to help you further if need be.

Keep writing.

Writing Feedback / It is an indisputable fact that no other way to find an info is quicker and efficient than internet. [3]

Hi, I would like to share y thoughts on your essay, hopefully enhance it in the process.

- With the development of information technology,
- people are able to not only to connect with each
- plenty of( people - is already a group of individuals )
- people argue usageof internet usage is leading

- wasting your precious time, which is gold, by travellingin traveling
- have the opportunity
- in live-viewwith live feeds for free.
- For instance, in my country, where the gross domestic product (GDP) is lower than average, ( I'm not sure if this is relevant to your essay, I suggest deleting it )

- majority of the people
- On the other hand, did people watched London Olympic Games through internet in 2012, and had chance to support our athletics, thanks to the technology development.( this phrase neither, I suggest the following; Having said that, people watch the Olympic games, live, through the internet, like they were part of the game.

- we should improve our ability to draw onenhance our usage of the internet.

There you have it, I hope my insights and corrections helped.

Undergraduate / Admissions essay to UW on cultural insensitivity. Is currently 490 words and needs to be 300 or less [2]

Hi Adil, after reading and understanding your essay, I must say, there is nothing wrong with you para phrasing the
title of the essay or the prompt, so long as you are able to follow through and address the prompt accordingly.

In this case, I believe you lack the understanding of the prompt.
What you have discussed in the essay is the difference in culture nut not yours.
The prompt would like to know your culture, what is the difference of this from the one
you are involve in right now and how do you deal with the cultural differences.

Moreover, the prompt is asking you of the lessons you learn in experiencing this difference in culture.
Say for instance, I was born in a very modern upbringing, however, my roots are Asian, at home, we practice
every single belief that an Asian family have and as soon as I step out of the house, I blend in with my American and European

friends, a totally different culture. During the process and spending more time with my friends than at home,
I learned that all of us is considered as one, that respect is a common language that we speak and we need in order
to keep a harmonious relationship.

There you have it Adil, I hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / The aim of university is to help graduates find better jobs - or there are some benefits for others? [3]

HI Adie, I'd like to share necessary corrections in order to enhance your essay.

- Many opinions say that the most important purpose of education
- in a university is for the scholars
- to easily find a jobeasy getting a work .
- While in others reasons say that
- education is beneficial for personto the person as much as to theand community.
- In my perspective, both of those statements have basic reasons from each other.
- Following this essay, I will giveprovide my strong opinions

- Firstly , the most reason is the skill and ability,
- because in the university, ( don't forget your punctuation marks )
- hasthey have a different system
- of education in which the

Adie, I will stop here as I want you to follow through with the correction, this is for you to be able to see that you

can enhance your essay by following through the same pattern as I did.
Moreover, I think you lack the proper use of the words you choose to put in your essay.
It makes a lot of sense if you know the words and the right ones in your essay.

I hope you continue writing and we will be here to guide you through.

Writing Feedback / Financing the education and health are more primary need than defraying the costs of other aspects [2]

Hi Adie, I would like to help enhance your essay, kindly find the corrections below;

- Spending the money for art and public
- service to be theis a controversial topic
- in the society
- there are benefitsbeneficial effects in society, both of two statements.of art in the society

- To begin with ,
- the advantages of the government fundIingfunding ( be careful with your typo, they make or break your essay )

- both of funding for art in one side and education and health.( a period is not necessary at this point as you have a continues

idea ) on anotherthe other side,
-it is the essential aspect of society,

There you have it Adie, I hope my remarks helped further your essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Encouraging Industries and Businesses to Move to Regional Areas [2]

- Some would argue that re locating industry
- and businessesareas in the countryside
- This essay will argue that although lack customers can be occurredof potential customers can be an issue ,

- to countrified areathe country side can reduce
- inhabitantspeoplein a greatfrom the town
- cannot access easily the new location easily as it is
- located in a not well-known area.
- more consumeristconsumer base .
- a smaller demographydemographic presents

There you have it Siti, I hope my little remarks and corrections help your essay.
What I notice in your essay is that there is a direct translation of your mother language to English,
if this can be eliminated, you will be able to come up with a better essay.

I wish you the best of luck.

Writing Feedback / TASK 2: What is the Best Method to Hire Employees? [3]

Sri, after reading your essay, what I like so much about it, is the simplicity and the convenience
of your choice of words. You managed to use words that are very easy to understand,
at the same time, you went straight to the point in answering the prompt.

The points you mentioned also serve a very good argument, I also believe that in an interview,
the goal is not to know the person from top to bottom or try to understand what s/he can do
but rather, lighting up that fire that will bring the best of the person's capabilities to do the job
presented.

Furthermore, your essay is short and was able to send the message you want your readers to read about.

I hope my insights was able to help in your essay and should you need further assistance we are here for you.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2 : opinions about children contribution in working experiences [3]

HI Anisa, I hope to help you on your essay. Kindly find my corrections focused on the first 2 paragraphs of your essay.

1st paragraph
- In these ages and daysday and age ,
- employed inwith paid jobs.
- train more children's skill with its experiences
- to be more efficient in their chosen careers.

2nd paragraph
- to enroll education upacquire admission to universities.
- a young ages will enable them
- to have better performances at work as they
- learn to work earlier compared withto graduates of a university.

There you have it Anisa, I hope I was able to help you out in enhancing your essay.
I believe if you follow through so you will be able to practice editing your own essay, this
way you will see the difference of the essay yourself.

Scholarship / Gold Mine Project assistant. Supporting Statement for Australian Award Scholarship [2]

Ros, first of all, there's a lot of improvement, needed in your writing, however, we will talk about
the things you need urgently right now.

Question No. 03

Ok, to start with, the question is very specific, therefore it needs a very specific answer.
So, what I suggest that you do is reflect on a challenge you encountered at work and what
idea did you put in, in making sure that the challenge is solved.

An example is below.

As a writer, there's always something to look forward to, no day is the same, nothing is usual.
In one incident, a student writes something about loosing the will to write something that makes
him happy. Writing has always been his passion and he feels intrigued every time he writes.
One day, he felt he lost it, then finally he writes but then again it was not the same thing, something
doesn't feel right. Now, he gets himself to write and send me this troubled essay. As soon as I read it.
I felt the need to act, as cautious as possible, empathizing in her current situation, made sure that
she feel I am here for her. Moreover, I poured ideas and realistic insights such as a change of mood
towards writing is absolutely normal, however, as soon as it is dealt with, the sooner she gets the
feeling back.

There you have it Ros, the example above is just for you to have something treat as a guide, this question
should be easy for you as you only have to think about one situation and elaborate how you were able to
help straighten the situation and showed leadership.

I hope I was able to help.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Grandparents are the best nurturer for children's growth [2]

Hi Siti, I would like to try help out in enhancing your essay.

- have aare busy working timeat work believe
- that grandparents isare the best option for caring their generationcaretaker .
- WhereasHowever childcare offers a lot of professional
- staffs to look for thoseafter the children,
- I believe that own family is the great trusted nurturercaregiver .

- Childcare center is the beneficial place for parents
-sitter sincefor 5 years. Initially,
- she should follows a compulsory training

- Therefore, I believe that the best nurturercaretaker for
-children isare grandparents
-as they have learnt how to educate children sincefor several decades.

- To concludeIn conclusion ,
- although sorts of advanced attendances are offered in childcare,

There you have it Siti, I hope my remarks helped.
You should understand that in writing, the English language rule is quiet complex and we need to keep
refreshing ourselves before we write. As simple as verb tenses and verb forms can be crucial in coming up with a much better article.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 : MOVING THE INDUSTRIAL CENTER TO SUBURBS AREAS [3]

Hi Mardy, upon reading and understanding your essay, I must say that you are able to
create a good essay. I would like to suggest that you change the one below;

3rd paragraph:

- In reverseOn the contrary , the improvement of the local....

Apart from the one above, I believe that you were able to create a good essay and
you were able to give a good argument on the idea of moving businesses outside of the
city.

Moreover, you were able to get into the main idea and it made sense in your essay.
Sometimes, writers tends to create an essay that is rather creative but not necessarily straight
to the point, the good thing about this essay is that the prompt was answered in a
timely manner will all the necessary information in order to justify the reason of the response.

I hope my insights and remarks helped, should you need further assistance, do let us know.

Writing Feedback / A breakdown of a wind turbine design as an another Source of Renewable Energy [4]

Hi Hadi, I would like to share my insights to your analysis.

- design andin three different locations to be placed, is illustrated in the diagrams.
- a wind turbine contentsconsist of several parts,
- places that can be used to putlocations where the turbines can be placed .

- Moving to athe design,
- a wind turbine feature consists
- which isacts as a receiver of wind.

- TurningMoving to the locations,
- there are three different locations that can be used to place the turbinwhere the turbines can be placed .
- The first,O n the hill,
- homethe houses as a domestic turbine that is

There you have it Hadi, I hope the remarks and corrections I made helped enhance your essay.
Do let us know should you need further assistance.

Scholarship / Essay for scholarship award for a university in Australia - convincing government to give support [7]

Dara, I would like to share my thoughts in your essay with the focus on the first two paragraph of your essay.

- study toin my current profession.
- SoThat's why preparing for advancement
- my organization are aware that we need to
- and be relevant to the country in need,
- the health challenges in the health sector or thread
- others is so satisfyingwill be rewarding .

- are the Australian National University (ANU) and
- Apparently, theThe ( adding "apparently" as an expression may denote uncertainty on the prestige of the Universities ) - for their excellent quality ofthe excellence in the academic facilities (e.g. library, laboratories, IT room).

There you have it Dara, there's not much to correct on your essay as it is written rather good,
however, you have to be careful in choosing your words, specially when you talk about institutions and
the reputation that they have in the academic field.

I hope my insights and remarks helped.

Undergraduate / QUEEN'S Supplementary ESSAY #1 - a contribution based on research about the program [2]

- I believe I can makemade ( consider the time the action was taken ) the
- In my first year of Attending Queen's Commercethe ( mentioning the name of the program is not necessary at this point as we have establish this in the beginning of the essay ) program,

- I will buildbuilt a solid business
- I hope to offer Queen's student a summer
- exchange programs with China's top universities,
- I believe Queen'sin the students havewith
- the multicultural background and
- idealsideas possible by
- using my fluent Mandarinlanguage skills and
- and I will use myintegrate hard work and persistence to

There you have it Sabrina, my remarks for your essay are just a few, hopefully they help in enhancing
this response to the prompt.
You still have a long way to go and I hope this essay will help you get to where you want to be.
Best of luck and should you need further assistance, we are here for you.

Writing Feedback / Getting married to a person who is different from me is better. TOEFL independent essay [2]

- allow me to discover myself and help me to raise our children.

- First of all,G etting married to a
- person who is different from memy opposite, completes me.
- the persons who havethe same bad habitswill not be able to bring out the best in the relationship .

- Secondly,C hoosing a person who is different from me
- will give me the chanceallow me to know myself better.
- on my bad habitsto see my negative behavior which will help me
- to change them beand become a better person.

- Thirdly, aA person with different habits

- While some people think that picking a person who is similar to them is better, I think that getting married to a person who is different from me can complete me, let me know myself better and help me to take care of my kids.This phrase is unnecessary as we have established this idea in the beginning of the essay. Try to come up with a better closing sentence.

There you have it Nour, I hope I was able to help out in your essay.

Writing Feedback / The development of people's perception of living in society results in the changes of managing money [10]

Menglu, I'd like to help shape up and boost your essay.
Kindly find the remarks below.

- living in the society,
- which results in thethat resulted to drastic changes of
- managing money in their daily lifelives .
- young age from three perspectivesdue to the following reasons :
- irreasonabilitymismanagement , outside temptations outside and premature worldview.

- since they are irreasonablethey have the tendency to become unreasonable to deal with financial problems.
- At an early age,

- SecondNext , kids are not
- immune to a variety of allure in the worldready to battle out temptations ,
- so thatand they cannot manage their money well.

- Last but not leastLastly , children are supposed
- to enjoy the innocent moments whenwhile they are still young.
- happiness, ( don't forget your punctuation marks ) living in an idealistic world at young age.

- financial stuffaspects of life so early,
- by contraston the contrary ( contrast - use to describe color ) ,
- they should be taught by their parents when they are older at a proper timeand are able to understand the importance of their own finances .

There you have it Menglu, as you can see there are still a lot of improvements to be done in your essay.
I hope you will follow through and see the difference of the enhanced essay.

Essays / The responsibility for the environment rests with the individual and not only with the government. [2]

Thishantha, I believe you posted this in the wrong field.
Are you looking into insights on the above subject or something that
can eventually lead to your essay?, if so, I agree with the above
prompt.

Indeed, the change, specifically in the environment lies in the hands of each and every
individual. Change for the better is always successful when it's done, not by the government
or any organization, the action takes place in the hands of an individual person.
You have to remember, there is no community that comprise a group already, it always starts with one person,
then they become two, three and so on. This is an evidence that the responsibility in taking care of the
environment is in the hands of each and every single body in the community.

Once an initiative is taken, comes encouragement followed by group effort then teamwork and the result
is an astonishing success. The fruits of our labor and continuous care to the environment will definitely
be achieved in no time.

I hope my point made it to your attention and it helped a little bit in forming your essay.
Do let us know should you need further assistance.

Writing Feedback / Why should we learning English? Write paragraph about 140 words [2]

Hi Nguyen, let me share a few strokes to boost your essay.

- Learning English is very important to everyone inaround the world today.
- First of all ,being equipped with this language ,you do not face any language barrier will not become an issue when you work aboard or travel overseas.

- It is estimated that there are over two billion people speaking and understanding English around the world.
- Hence,English has become the most common language use in communication.
- Specially, you haveYou will gain more knowledge about culture,
- people and historical stories of the lands capes inof the world
- that your international friends
- For example,( at this part of the essay, it's too late to cite an example, so it's better to keep it as a general idea )

- Remember, the first impression
- byin English smoothly.
- All inOver all ,learning English is necessary and useful if you want to be a global ready citizen.

There you have it Nguyen, as you can see, it's not much corrections done in your essay, it's just a matter of how the words are used and the way

they are places in the sequence of ideas in the sentence, this is a major language rule when it comes to writing an essay, you have to understand where your

words fir better and if they correspond to the idea that you would like to tell your readers.

I hope I was able to help.

Writing Feedback / Rich children tend to acquire their needs and desires much easier than poor children and are happier [2]

First paragraph

- It is generally believed that rich children are generally happier than those from poorer families.
- even havehas trouble getting their basic necessities.
- Besides that , parents of rich
- be equated with money or wealth and everyone defines happiness in their own different ways.

2nd paragraph
- Happiness cannot be equated with money or wealth because( this phrase is not necessary as we have established or mentioned this before, never allow a certain phrase to be repeated in your sentence just so that you can make your point, play with words )

- T here are some things in
- life which could notthat cannot be bought with money.
- Rich children do always get their hands
- on the things they easily desire easily .
- and yet they still might be as miserable as a human being can be .

Hi Rachael, as you notice, above are my remarks for the first 2 paragraphs of your essay.I hope it helped.

I must say that you made a good argument here, however, you have to be careful in making or shaping your sentences, more words
in a sentence does not necessarily mean that its a good set of sentence, I still believe in keeping the sentences plain and simple,
this way it is conversational as well as easy to understand. Remember, the more readers you have the stronger the proof that you did
good in your essay and that your readers are able to comprehend.

Should you need further assistance, we are here for you.

Undergraduate / Three magical wishes: free Palestine, owning a horse, visiting Venice in Italy [2]

Nabiha, I'd like to help out on enhancing your essay.

- Each person in this world has his own cute ( you can say and call is "cute", I prefer "simple" ) wishes ,
- O nce ( the first letter of the first word in your sentence should always be capitalize ) I touched
- it the ginneGenie camewent out and said

- As to every Palestinian ,
- adored living in itPalestine even with its all wars and depression .

- with its dark brown eyes and black long hair and strong hug body , it is really a catchyhas a real character of an animal

- One of my dreamsLastly, I dream to visit Venice ,
- it is located inone of the lovely cities of Italy and it is my dreamland .
- I'm really fascinated by this city ,
- it is my dream land ,( we have established this in the beginning of this paragraph )
- honey month in if God wantspermits .

- which I really wish them to beto come true .
-name ithim ( it - is for non living things , him - is for living things ) "Adham" .
- My beautiful genie , please make thesethis dreams come true because
- bywith this you will make me the happiest person in the world easily .

There you have it Nabiha, as you can see there are still a lot of improvement to be done and a lot more practice writing,

I also suggest that you read more, especially English books or any English literatures, this will help widen your vocabulary
which will help you create better articles and essays.

Writing Feedback / About a comment. I want to wrote this a newspaper comment section but I am not sure on my grammar. [2]

Ahmet, I'm not so sure how to address your concern or ow to give a feedback.
Two things, I don't know what your commenting about because, obviously, it's not
posted here, and, it's not just grammar that you have to watch out when you are sending
out a message, especially to comment on a newspaper article to be exact.

Remember, the Newspaper and anything that can be read or heard by the masses or general
public if you want to call it, contains very sensitive information that can sometimes lead
to an uprising.

In this case, I can pretend that you are reading an article that can sometimes contain
discriminatory acts, issues like this are very crucial to the general publics view, so to make
a comment is as good as stating an argument that could lead to seeking justice.
Now that you see the big picture, or so I hope, think again is this is what you want to comment
or to post in the commentary page.

Think before you act is as good as Confucius' Golden Rule.

I hope my insights helped.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 : MONITORING SYSTEM THROUGH ADVANCED TECHNOLOGY [2]

Hi Mardy, after reading and understanding your essay, I believe that you were able to come up with a
good essay, you made a point in your argument and you were able to showcase your opinion to address
the advantage and disadvantages of technology and its breakthrough.

However, there are some points I would like to suggest and this is for future reference.
Avoid translating your ideas using direct translation, like when you have an idea and you formed
it using your local language make sure that when you translate it in English, it the general thought
of your idea and not it's direct meaning.

Now, I'd like to draw your your attention to the last paragraph in your essay or the conclusion.

- To conclude, despite the fact that the easy leaking ofit's easy to leak information
- because of modern technology, is a demerit that should be taken into account,
- as long as it does not harm other peoplewe keep control of the technology and more importantly, be responsible in
all aspects of technological breakthrough .

There you have it Mardy, I hope I was able to help.

Writing Feedback / One of favorite tourist destination is museums and local sites history. IELTS 2 [3]

Hi Pikul, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay.
Kindly find my remarks below.

- One of our favorite tourist destinations
- isare museums and local sites history.
- As seenEvidently , majority of
- visitors are foreign society sinceas they have high interested
- is conducting special fee for native into conduct or offer a special discounted rate on a particular day.

- The main cause of this problem is about the curiosity.
- According to tourists, they have a tendency to find out the information
- are traveling sinceand museums provide
- A 2012 recent ( 2012 and recent both denotes a timeline, so putting the two together is redundant ) Harvard University
- tends to remember all of things
- as it can'tdoes not attract them.
- As a result, this brings museums into lack of attraction forto the local society.

There you have it Pikul, I hope I was able to help and as you can see there's a lot of modification / enhancement needed in your essay specially when it comes to your word choice and input. This is a major set back as it directly affects your essay, so you have to be very careful in doing so.

Writing Feedback / The relationship between children's grades and TV. TOEFL integrated essay [2]

Nour, I would like to share my thoughts on your essay.

Kindly find the remarks below;

- Both the professors and
- the writers are discussing

- The professor refutes this point and by giving
- thean example of Japanese

There you have it Nour, it's basically very minor remarks, just a few points that you somehow missed out,
however, this minor remark will become major if not being addressed properly.
On the other hand, I believe that you were able to create a good essay and you were able to analyze
the given TOEFL exercise. Now, don't stop here, keep on writing and learn more essential writing styles
in order to come up with a well done essay.
I hope my insights helped.

Writing Feedback / Population of Urban Areas in all continents except Australia over eight decades [2]

HI Dwi I would like to help enhance your analysis on this graph.
Kindly find the remarks below;

- that the world and all continents
- showed in the chart had upward trend
- percentage than developing continentsones .

-In 1950 to 2007 saw a large increase
- in the percentage of urban areas' population
- The estimated rises of these

There you have it Dwi, I hope I was able to help.
Overall, the analysis is good however, you have to make sure that you don't
miss out on your linking verbs as this is also very important in creating your sentences.
I hope you keep writing and be able to continue practice writing this helps you enhance your writing skills
and hone your potential to create well written essays.

It will also help if you read a loud as this helps in word and grammar familiarization as well as vocabulary.

Writing Feedback / The idea of using information technology to work remotely is partly or totally unjustifiable [2]

Hi Dynar, I would like to share my thoughts on your essay with the focus on the
last two paragraphs as I believe this are the paragraphs that needs further enhancement.

3rd paragraph
- Working outside of a workplace tends to end up with a bad performance.
- to do itwork while they do another thing, or this is called multitasking.
- Clearly, there comes to some point when theirit will come to a point where work result
- will be not be as perfect as previously .
- Psychologists studyingstudied the effect of
- They added that mental
- people will not be able to give

- will be not be able to focus on
- its drawback overrides the benefit one .

There you have it Dynar, I would like to stress that you have to be very careful in putting words together in making your sentences

as this will directly affect the essay and it will also change the course of the entire essay.

I hope I was able to help.

Writing Feedback / Crime acts among teens due to personality of the juvenile delinquents itself and their surroundings. [2]

Hi Alifah, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay.

- The c haracter of the young
- because in thatthere age,
- before even do athat could result to a violation.

- People who surround themselves with adolescents such as parents,
- As a result, the young people willthey imitate

- In term ofWhen it comes to solution,
- adolescents. Yetand if the community

There you have it Alifah, I hope my remarks helped.
For further reference, the idea that you have in the beginning of the essay should be elaborated
throughout the essay and not the other way around, also, go straight to the point, simple and precise.

There still a lot of work to do to improve your writing and practice makes perfect so I expect that you
write more and we will be here to guide you through.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1 = Causes of Land Degradation in The World and Some Regions [2]

Hi Juwita, first of all, thank you for attaching the graph to the essay.
This helps the editors provide you with an accurate feedback and in
the end give you peace of mind that the feedback you got is credible and
is base upon the same study that you did on the graph.

Kindly find my contributions below.

- illustrated byin the pie chart,
- and the figures among the three areas whichthat underwent land degradation
- throughout the 1990s is compared byin the table.
- As is observed fromWith the analysis from both graphs,
- compared to the other two regions.

- Furthermore, theThe other causes, furthermore, took five

- To sum up, over-grazing wasis the most primary
- problem whichthat influenced to land damage in the world,
- and Europe had the worst land degradedsituation due to three given causes.

There you have it Juwita, I hope the corrections helped and please be careful with your is / was, this is minor
but they mean a lot in making sure that your essay is written well.

Writing Feedback / Task 2 IELTS - INVENTORS and DOCTORS' significant role for human being [2]

- discoveries are considered as uncruciala factor to society unlike doctors.
- I strongly disagree aboutto this statement,
- because doctors and inventors are ofboth important role for societies' liveto the society .
- In this essay, I will describeexplain the reason why
- people agree and disagree about this caseon this matter .

- Many people believe that the inventors are not essential forto human's life,
- the societiessociety directly and sometimes their
- past do not make the communities helped, does not help the community ,
- considering about the real function about the item.
- they became lazier and lazierdevelop certain disfunction because of that invention.
- Consequently, the people consider that the discoveries are not much importantof importance to people's lives.

Hi Anita, above are my corrections and remarks for your essay.
As you can see. there's quiet a lot of work to be done, I suggest that you practice writing more, read a lot, review the

English Language rules and be careful in putting words together, research the meaning of the words, play with the and make sure
that the word you choose is the right word, not only for your sentence but also for the idea that you would like your readers to read through.

I hope you follow through with the corrections and learn from it so you can create much more meaningful essays next time.

Writing Feedback / The high cost of living in the Fairmont Island is the main disadvantage for visitors. [2]

- Both of the pie charts
- This information was is based on the
- Overall, itIt ( we delete "Overall" as this denotes an end to the analysis and at this stage you are just starting to analyze the data ) can be seen high cost - of living is the main detrimental factor for visitors.

- OtherwiseHowever , the most common benefits

- Firstly , high cost of living
- becomes the main problems for guests
- Besides,( the comma is not necessary in this part of the sentence ) entertainment
- For theThe rest of survey stated that food quality is the last in the pie chart.

- the people thathad reached approximately
- Moreover, there wasis around 12% for the rest
- of the categories of thethat benefit from the Island; they arethat is good accommodation and culture.

There you have it Fariz, I hope my corrections helped.
For future reference, make sure that you review your language rules, such as the verb tenses, as well
as your linking verbs, this is critical and should be taken with high regard in your essay.

Scholarship / To change the world, even just a little, has always been a desire of mine. Goals essay 250 words [2]

Thiago, this essay is very pressing as you only have a few words, 250 to be exact, in justifying your career goals,
however, it is also good in a way that you will be drawn to writing the words that really matter to the essay and will

streamline the ideas.

Now, let me help in enhancing your essay.

- For me it wasI, on the other hand, is different.

- I realized that my 4 years of self-teaching ( do you mean self - studying?)
- I plan on attaining a masters degree in
- As for my careerCareer wise , I'd like to use my
- has opened up my mind to the possibilities;

- benefit our speciesrace ( species - is more applicable for animals ) as a whole
- and I wish towill be a part of themthe team .

There you have it Thiago, you have a very interesting essay, needless to say, it did answer what is asked
of the prompt and that's about it from me. I hope it helped.

Undergraduate / "best careers for INFJ's" - Common App Transfer Essay: Personal Statement [6]

Hi Haley, as I go through your essay, I believe it is written well,
with the exception of the last paragraph. This is where my remarks are focused on.
Kindly find the remarks below;

Final paragraph
- offer the program necessary to fulfillto address my professional aspirations.
- I don't regretT he time that I've spent at [ ____ ].
- buthowever, I know I would
- It's important tofor me to attend
- I'm prepared to dive head firstin into a new environment;
- I knowbelieve that I could truly blossomI will be a great addition toat [ _____ College], socially and academically.

There you have it Haley, I hope my remarks helped in enhancing your essay.
For future reference, avoid using bold words, keep it simple, as conversational as you can, especially when answering prompts as personal as this one.

Writing Feedback / Hybrid cars sale trend in Japan increased significantly from 2006-2009 [3]

Hi Anita, let me share my remarks in order to enhance your essay.

- It is obviously seen that Japan's sales trend increased significantly,

- the beginning of the period.
- but it did not peak to the highest data over four-years.

- On the other hand, the people of the United States
- whichthat started the similar point within Japan,

There you have it Anita, just a few corrections on my side as your analysis is good, however,
I will not be able to say that it is accurate as you have not attached the graph.
For future reference, attach the graph so that it will be included in the edit and for editors to verify the accuracy
of your analysis.

I hope I was able to help and let us know when you need further assistance.