Writing Feedback / Toefl writing; "Can money buy you happiness?" - use money in a proper way [10]


Well, you seem to be having an understanding about the approach you need to follow for the intro of this TOEFL Independent Writing Task. Your intro contains the parts of Hook, Background (this is not adequately done - you need to introduce the background of the issue with a better alignment to the prompt) and the Thesis statement. However, there are several issues I find in this intro. Grammar comes on top of them. Clarity of your ideas too is a concern. Let's see what you need to improve;


.... this I guess is your hook statement. However, it is pretty confusing as it fails to deliver a clear idea... you need to rephrase this sentence.


.... grammar fix
Money not only tempts people to crave for more things, but also may destroy a person.


... This is fine. You could have used this as the hook too to open your essay.

Writing Feedback / IELT TASK 2 :TV programmes should be blocked "agree or disagree" [6]

Television gives many disadvantages for ushas many negative effects on our society.


.... this is a very confusing sentence :( you need to rephrase this line to convey your idea to the reader.


For example, TV programs contain scenes that are not so appropriate for children to watch including violent and sex scenes. They may adversely affect their young and inexperienced minds and may have very negative consequences on society.

Writing Feedback / Toefl iBT: Staying in one place is better than moving number of places [2]

I hope you pay attention to the approach dumi suggested. Have the parts of Intro, Body paras and Conclusion. In the body paras, give more prominence to the reason that you use to justify your choice. Also, you need to stay aligned with the prompt. Your prompt asks you -


You talk about staying in your own hometown and it indirectly sends the message that you like to stay in one place. But it is better you said it more straight :(

Writing Feedback / IELTS: taxing private car owners heavily in order to solve traffic problems [3]

This is too big for an intro. I think we have provided you an appropriate guideline structure for the intro. This task has a major bearing on time and your target should be to complete the task within the allocated time. So you've got to manage time effectively. The guidelines provided by dumi, myself and other contributors aim at helping you finish this task on time while having all features included for you to earn a good score.

Letters / Letter of Continued Interest for UPenn [4]

While I know that UPenn has a lot to offer me as a student , I also feel that I would bring asome unique perspective to my class and become a dynamic contributor to the community.

As well asIn addition to maintaining good grades in school, I have been involved inwith my church and music activities.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Travel to and from UK and popular countries visited by BRITON [7]

I agree with dumi. You write quite well, but here you need to adopt a more appropriate tone for the task. This is different to IELTS TASK2 , the independent essay for which you experience much more freedom :) Further, I like if you included more data in your detail body paras. They seem to be a bit too sleek than they should be :D

Writing Feedback / spending money on computer technology or on basic needs? [3]

Hope you pay attention to our previous posts and accordingly improve your essay structure :) This essay sounds too personal and by presenting it in that manner, you have narrowed down its scope severely which is not proper.

First of all, let us consider the education system of our country. (you should come to examples once you finish justifying your position in the argument)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Graph: Changes in the birth rates of China and USA [6]

Why do you keep saying "alteration of birth rates" ? I don't get what you really mean :( The above para has lots of grammar errors and also clarity issues :(

In China, birth rate have fluctuated heavily during first 30 years from 1920 to 1935.


You need to maintain past tense because these are figures that belonged to the past. Also, pay lots of attention to grammar and clarity of your sentences.

Writing Feedback / Talent vs hard-working; importance of environment, desire outweigh any endowment [6]


I too feel the same way ... I think you are going out of topic. Let's look at this body para;


Well, there is only very little alignment I too can find between the above para and your prompt. You really do not have talk about very advance stuff, but to talk about things that are more relevant to your topic. Also, stay with your prompt always without having your writing deviated from its primary objective.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2: Problems encountered by students in abroad [9]

Secondly, there will be cultural differences among students who hail from various countries and backgrounds. Thus, students who hailcome from same country with similar backgrounds may try to form as a group. This type of clicks will further worsen the healthy environment in a class and would tend to create a rift among students. As a result, the main qualities of students such as unity,friendliness and cooperative to each othercorporation between studentswillcompletely dissolve in their meaningmay be affected negatively .

Undergraduate / UC Davis waitlist - clinical opportunities I can bring?? [3]

UC Davis is my top choice for pursuing undergraduate studies in the field of Biology, as well as dedicating myself to the community. because ??????? (tell why you think it is your top choice)

The second part is not really getting connected with the first idea :(
The rest of it sounds fine for me :)
Good luck!

Undergraduate / Personal essay; I completed three years toward a bachelor degree in economics [4]

I completed a three years toward ayear bachelor degree in economics from back home (Algeria).in my home country, ALgeria. (I feel it is better you mentioned the university from where you got graduated rather than mentioning the country only)

In 2006, I moved to live in the United States and got married withto my husband who is truly a good role model for me. (did you get married in the US or Algeria? Why you say your husband is a good role model? What's its importance for this essay? )

Writing Feedback / Success is only getting big reward or collecting money or something special [10]


Yes, it is always better you tell us why you write the essay. I feel that you are preparing for IELTS or TOEFL. Is that so? Also, include the essay prompt in your thread so that we understand what it exactly expects from you. If you are practicing for TOEFL or IELTS, then follow this approach for your intro.

Writing Feedback / Writing task 1 : Diarrhea cases in Mashhad [3]

The line graph shows the changes of diarrhea cases in Mashhad Island during a particular period from 1983 to 1992.
Don't leave the time period in a vague state if you know the exact duration. If the years are not mentioned, then it is ok :)

Overall, the number of diarrhea cases in Mashhad showed a slight fluctuationslightly fluctuated during the first 5- years , then rocketed before experienced a sudden drop towards the end of period under review.before experiencing more volatile fluctuations from the sixth year onward.

Writing Feedback / spending money on computer technology or on basic needs? [3]

Well, in this intro you assume that your reader already knows about what your prompt is about. However, the pattern we generally follow for this task is that we first introduce the prompt to the reader and then state our opinion.

Writing Feedback / Writing task 1: Gold sales in Dubai [6]


... excellent intro :) ... the only small mistake you've done is that it should be "line graph" not "line chart" - line graph, bar chart, pie chart

This is very well written :) If you did this on your own without any help, an of course within the allowed time, I think you are really good with this task now :) When is the exam?

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Different age group work in economical sector [9]

When you have several words to choose between, choose the one that you are mostly confident, no matter how simple it is. I notice you have kept improving with your writing in terms of clarity although you still have not achieved consistency :D Keep writing and we would give you the fullest support with our advice for you to get your desired score. Our comments sometimes may sound a bit annoying, but take them with positive spirit as our goal is to help you get a good results at the exam :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1: Electricity source in Australia and France over a-20 year [6]

... :D ... Well, stick to Introduction, Overview and Detail Body para approach. Our recommended approaches not only aim at helping you score with essential features of the task, but also managing time efficiently. That is why we keep trying to help others to align with the approach. Our only wish is that you would get a very good score at the exam and we would be very pleased :)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Most people attend schools in order to be prepared for future careers [5]


Good introduction :)


... why not tell this directly; let's do a small adjustment;
First of all, to progress with career, one needs to have a higher education.


... this sentence is more controversial and destroys your flow. You set your body para to tell the reader one reason which is "people look for higher education in view of preparing themselves for a great career". So why talk about the other side in between and go back. This sentence does not serve any purpose instead it breaks your smooth flow :(

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Stress "contributing factors and how to reduce" [3]

. It is felt by many people in thetoday's world which it does not know who they are.
I don't understand the latter part of this sentence :( What did you try to mean by that?

Stress comes up because theywhen people cannot finish their problem in their environment. tasks on time or they have too many worries that come all together.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Happiness - factors and importance; "small gap between birth and death" [12]


A very wise saying - Nice :)

there isare a vast number of factors ofthat contribute to achieving happiness and I will enlist vital ones.


This is a quite good intro :)
To begin with, happy environment can be considered as a key factor in achieving happy stateto live happily.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2:How important is it for students to have homework?? [5]


Good intro - only the last line is not necessary as the reader anyway expects you to do that. It does not add much value to your flow and I feel your intro reads better without that sentence :)

Also, this practice will let parents to observe how their children are performing in studies and to know about their weak subjectsareas if any

You write very well and can aim at a good band :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Stress is problem in many countries around the world. [6]

There are many factors in modern society that are responsible for this situation.


This is a very good intro. Only, the last line is not necessary and your intro would flow better without it. The reader anyway expects you to do that and that sentence would not add any value to your writing. Good intro, anyway :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2:Dressing appropriately is important or not?? [7]


Well, I understand what you say. However, the word consummate is not often used to express a general agreement. It is a bit more advanced word which is used to describe a state of perfection. For example; The company consummated its deal to buy a smaller firm./ a work of consummate skill; an act of consummate savagery.

So, I find this phrase is too advance for a simple task like this. It really does not keep up with the rest of your writing. That's my personal view :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Stress and how to reduce it [3]


.... wrong grammar;
Stress is related with mental problems.


This is not a proper introduction. You have gone completely out of topic. Look at your prompt;


This does not ask you to keep defining stress. It asks you what causes stress and how that situation can be arrested. So, do not waste your entire introduction, just for telling the reader what stress is. You need to align your writing with what your prompt requests.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Table of poverty living in Australia [5]


The table presents the details of proportions of different family types of people living in poverty in Australia in 1999.


Overall, sole parents had recorded the highest proportion among the poor family types while aged couples had recorded the least proportion.

As per the table, sole parent trend accounted as the highest familialfamily type living in poverty (this you already said in the overview and should not repeat again here - tell the details now) by 21 % of the overall percentage.

Writing Feedback / WRITING TASK 2 - VIOLENT MOVIES can cause serious social problems [8]

To begin with , there are three factors bringing about thenegative consequencesofcaused by violent films . First of all , Violent films made people hard to concentrate on their workdisturb the concentration of the people . For instance , they can waste a lot of their time watching violent films and forgotforget what they need to do . Moreover , Violent movies also make people addicted . They can spend most of their budget buying violent films .

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2:Dressing appropriately is important or not?? [7]

Many people claim that it is their right to choose what to wear and there should not be any compulsion on them in this regard. However, others are of the opinion that people should dress according to the situation, so as to look appropriate of it.to be a part of the event.


... you should have said this in a more simpler and interesting manner. Clarity of your ideas matter more than everything else :)

Writing Feedback / Judgement and verification. Understand concepts and ideas is MORE IMPORTANT than learning facts? [4]


Yes it is :) You are doing the right thing by practicing with time. This is the approach dumi suggests for this task and I think you can do a good job if you follow this approach because it contains all necessary features and also manage time effectively :

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Nature or nurture is more influential in children education? [5]


You take this stance. So, keep your writing to support your side and do not talk in favor of the other side of the argument. The only time you should discuss both ideas is only when you take a moderate stance. Remember, this task is time bound and therefore you need to follow a specific structure to manage time well.

Writing Feedback / 'robotic teacher' - Will technology replace the teacher in classroom?? [4]

... sure...let me first examine your intro carefully :D


.... Ok, this is your hook :D


... I have to take this part as your background section of the intro, ok? :D
The guideline we always provide is aimed at not only helping you to accommodate the most essential features of the essay for you to score, but also help you save time to complete the task. So, by practicing to write your essays in a particular approach would help you immensely at the exam to handle your time effectively. The approach we gave is more straightforward and time effective. This is how I would do this background;

Even in classrooms, use of technology can be commonly seen. Some people argue that technology may completely replace the teacher's role in the classroom in time to come. ... this is much shorter than what you have written above, but contains every aspect of the background of the issue. What I did was merely paraphrased the topic.

Lastly, you have not included your own opinion (thesis statement) in the intro. Your prompt asks


So, state your opinion before you conclude your intro;
However, I do not agree with this argument and believe that teachers can never be completely replaced by computers.

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay: Parents should teach children about money [3]


That is the very reason why we include sample essays. Read them carefully and try to figure out the features we have mentioned in the guidelines. Let's take your introduction;


... As per the approach provided by dumi for the intro, this line should be your hook. This is a good idea for a hook, but you have made a small error there by using the word "city" instead of "society".


Here what you've got to do is to paraphrase your prompt (which you should have included in the post) ... I don't say that you have not attempted to present the issue, but I feel you've gone a little out of topic as per the requirement of the intro and also you have less alignment with the topic (the approach we give is not only to score your marks, but to help you manage time effectively as well) This is what I would suggest;

Therefore some people view that it is necessary to teach children about handling money from a young age.
Let's look at your thesis statement;


... the latter part is not necessary as it is not adding any value for your essay. You only waste your time.
There are lots of people who have followed the approach we have suggested and got good scores. However, it is up to you to examine them carefully and develop your own approach.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Famous people are bothered by the media [7]

One reason isthatwhy television and newspapers focus on famous peoples' lives isin order to increase their audience or readership.


.... I don't get what you really mean by this sentence :(\


... LOL ... This is a real interesting idea :D

Writing Feedback / 'robotic teacher' - Will technology replace the teacher in classroom?? [4]

Well, you need to write one reason per body para to justify your opinion on the issue. That reason should be supported with one specific example.

Writing Feedback / Ielts: most popular sports - the pie chart [9]


:D ...Here I'm again :D
Overall, it can be said that the highest percentage of popularnesspopularity belongs to soccer(26%), whilst karate(8%) and other sports(4%) apart from swimming, baseball, basketball and volleyball have the lowest indications.


Well, in the overview you do not give details (e.g. 26%, 22% ), but discuss the main trend/ trends briefly to give the reader a background idea of the image presentation.

E.g.
Overall, Soccer had been the most popular game while Swimming and Baseball took the second and third places in their popularity.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1: USA marathon records by age and gender in hours. [6]


The line graphs illustrate the details of the USA Marathon records based on age and gender.


Overall, the males have outperformed females in Marathon running in all age categories while both genders have shown their highest level of performance during the age of 20-30

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Nowadays an increasing number of people change their jobs [4]

Ok, let's do the intro as per dumi's approach;
Career plays an important role in one's success (hook) Nowadays, changing career has become a very common phenomenon. Some people change their careers pretty often in view of bettering their career prospects. (background of the issue). Although there are postives and negatives in such changes , I believe the benefits of changing careers do outweigh its disadvantages. (thesis statement)

Writing Feedback / Tim Hortons vs Starbucks // gr9 personal [4]


You may have noticed that wherever you go, you may find the same product under different brand names.

There are also people who would prefer one company over another, and in response, the stores conpetecompete with one another to become the best.

Consumers too have their own preferences for one brand over the others and therefore the companies compete with each other to become the best and attract more loyal customers for them.

Undergraduate / Three ways to Transfer to University; study plan, support system, skills network [4]


You keep repeating the objective of the prompt too much. I think you should do away with the above line too. That is what exactly dumi too was suggesting. Focus more on yourself. Tell what sort of study you intend to pursue at their uni. Show them the alignment of that plan with your goals and aspirations. Try to bring out your personality out by giving it more prominence. There is no point in telling them the stuff they already know.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : UK Residence travel report [3]


The tables present the results of a survey carried out with a sample of 100000 British people. The first table presents the results of the reasons for travelling while the second table presents results on holiday destinations during the period from 1994 to 1998.


Excellent overview :) Very impressive :)
A closer lookedlook at the second table