Research Papers / Fire Prevention Laws, how far is too far? [3]

Hi Daniel, Welcome to EssayForum :)

I have some experience in writing some research projects but this type of research paper is quite different from what I usually do. A research paper that I usually write consists of at least three chapters. The first one is "Introduction", the second one is "Discussion", and the third one is "Conclusion". I might say that your research paper seems like an essay but it has additional "cited works/references". If you think that my version is quite good, just try to group the information into the mentioned chapters above.

In addition, you are suggested to avoid using contractions in an academic essay. Contractions will make your essay become less formal/academic. I also notice some grammatical inaccuracies that would be described below.

- There were about twenty 3-storytwenty-three-story / 23-story buildings with...
- By nowThen , several other engineS and one other...
- It burned so hot, so fast that we couldn't stop it,could not stop it.(Stop here, new sentence)We could only keep other surrounding...

- ...basements doare not counted as a story. (stop here, new sentence)soThus, many builders dig an enormous hole...
- ...the internet yielded dozens of articles from local newspapers across the country that showshowed a growing trend...
- ...from a furniture store like IkeaIKEA ...

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / Guests' quantities on two music sites [4]

Mujaddidah, I can see that there is no serious problem with your paragraphing style. Even I do really like them, it is very informative and well-developed. Yet, some rooms for improvements still exist. The detailed descriptions below should help you.

- ...music sites presented in the line graph is measured byin tens of thousands during fifteen days.
- At a glance, both of figures(what figures? mentioning the name would be helpful in improving the clarity) witness an upward trend mean while Pop Parade site is...

- ...the first five days and keeps falling down by40to roughly 40 in the two...
- InOn the contrary/other hand , Music Choice's proportion shows...
- ...both figures hit itstheir low to around 30.
- ..fluctuation bybetween 10 and 20 orranging from 10 to 20 ...

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / Why you should care about whale poo [2]

Bambang, I think you have mistakenly chosen the appropriate tense that you think it was. If you take a closer look on the content, it mostly tells the reader or audience about "information/general truth/fact/news" and it is a "current" situation that is happening related to whale. It is true that some of the information indicates a past event, but I think most of them should be in present form. Let me give you a hint in the detailed descriptions below:

- Asha de Vos was whale protector... (did she change her job now? if she is now still working as whale protector, present form is the most appropriate tense)

- She said that Blue Whale became extinct because many people caught and made it as fish oil or fish production. (do people stop catching fish and making fish oil nowadays? No right? I assume that this sentence also needs to be in present form, except the indirect speech)

- People should aware that blue whale could hold environmental destruction.(fact/general truth = present)
- ... discovered that whale was sea engineer, (until now, whale is still a sea engineer)
- On theIn other words ,...

As you can see, the rest of your summary should also follow the above-mentioned feedback. I hope you can do better in the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / TASK PART 1 - THE PROCESS OF PRECIPITATION [4]

Hello Nina, glad to read your essay again. I found that you are able to keep up your effort especially in the Task Achievement part because all the important information of the diagram are successfully written. This is good for you because some may find it difficult to maintain their achievement when they get a different data to be presented. Still, I think you need to work harder on the lexical resource.

Firstly, as I already commented previously, uses a sufficient range of vocabulary can help you to elevate your score. In the above essay, I think you can replace the word "water" and "vapor" with the pronoun "it" if this possible to avoid overusing these words. Also, you can re-arrange the sentence structure to have more variation of sentence's structure in your writing and this can be one of the examiner's consideration to give you a good score in this task. However, you need be careful on using varied sentence structures. Good luck with your practice!

Writing Feedback / Most people watch Channel One NEWS at 6PM [2]

Septia, I believe this is another well-written piece of work from you. I can see that you have taken my previous feedback into account. This essay depicts information clearly about the graph and summarizes all the main features comprehensively. Yet, I can still notice some rooms for improvements. I hope the detailed descriptions below would help you.

- ...a 12-month period is re presented in the line graph. (see the difference between represents and presents)
- ...it is noticablenoticeable that most people watch this channel at 6 pm although a large number of watcherwatcherstended to seewatch their TVs at 11 pm in August. (tend to = not yet happen, watch = there's an action)

- ... othersother daily time...
- ...increased gradually byfrom almost 1 to approximately 4 in...
- However, the quantity of watcherS at 1 pm remained unchanged..

- On the contraycontrary , there was a...
- ... it bottomed at rough ly 3 in December.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / New Zealand experienced the biggest shift in the electric power source. [2]

Annisa,
Here's my analysis towards your report summary of IELTS Task 1. I hope you can follow through.

- ...Germany inbetween 1980 and 2010 is depicted byin the pie charts.
- Overall, it can be seen that the alteration of total sources in thesethose countries was almost doubled in 2010.
- Nuclear power became the main electricity generation source in Germany while NewzealandNew Zealand took C oal as theiritsmainprimary source.

- To begin with, NewzealandNew Zealand experienced...
- ... twofold higher than 1980 which was aboutat approximately 56 units.
- ... and 11 units decreased atby 2 units tofor each source.
- ... rose from 30 to 46 units respectively in three decades.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / Electrical source in Germany and New Zealand [2]

Faiz, I think that your paragraphing was fine. I do really like the way you create those paragraphs and describe the information clearly there. You need to remember that CLARITY is the most important aspect that you should improve in your writing. Yet, it is unfortunate that some cohesive devices were inaccurate. Placing "however" in the middle of a sentence is inappropriate for an academic writing. If you want to put "however" in that place, semicolon is the most appropriate punctuation rather than comma.

Additionally, I think that you need to differentiate between a sentence that contains an overview and a sentence that is not. To illustrate, an overview should be addressed by putting a phrase that indicates a particular sentence is an overview sentence of your essay. The phrase like "Overall, it can be seen that, it is clear that" that you have written was inappropriate. Try to use one of them ONLY in a single sentence. Unfortunately, you wrote them in three sentences. I suggest you need to remember that "no clear overview" is one of the criteria of band 5 for task achievement.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / Five different sources that can produce electricity in New Zealand and Germany [2]

Again, I do really enjoy reading your essay, especially when it is well-structured like this. Yet, you need to remember that there is no perfect writing after-all. One thing that you can maintain is your paragraphing structure and your writing style, especially when the actual test is getting near. Furthermore, you can take a closer look on my feedback below.

...depicted in the pie charts.
- It is measured in unit, inbetween 1980 and 2010.
- ... was the most popular electricity generation source in New Zealand (...) three main electricity generation sources in Germany.

- The number of Coal numberunit started at 36 and ...
- ... figure for Natural Gas, it bottomed at 2 from a third.
- ... Hydro rose slightly byfrom 16 to 46 while petroleum...

- ..., 2010 witnessed a marked jump in Nuclear number that reached aits peak at approximately 150.
- Coal number(same case as above) remained unchanged at 28,..

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / There are several factors that can lead to the difficulty of getting clean water. [2]

Septiada, I really like your paragraphing and sentence structure. It seems so coherent and informative to the reader. Yet, it is unfortunate that some of your sentences were influenced by the native language that you have. This made your writing didn't really sound like an English language. Let me help you rephrasing those problems into a more English native-like.

- ... detrimental effects to livewhen living near factories, and one of them is that it is difficult to (...) due to lack of responsbility in industrial waste that is produced by irresponsible company.

- A river in Gwalior, India for example.(where is the subject and verb? You can choose whether combining this "incomplete sentence" or make it complete)

- To tackle with this issue, factories should...

- In one handMoreover , some groups of people are also feel hard to find water ...

- ... especially children, have suffered from dehydrationdehidration ...

Additionally, spelling problems are also existed in your essay. Try to be more careful next time :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS-Task1: Sports played in New Zealand in 2002 [4]

Hoai, you are suggested to fulfill the minimum words limit for IELTS task 1. Your words count doesn't reach the minimum of 150 words. It is unfortunate that you only write 147 words to be exact. This can be dangerous towards your band score in terms of Task Achievement. Remember, inappropriate format is only worth 5.0 in Task achievement criteria.

Also, you need to write at least 3 sentences per paragraph. Keep in mind that each paragraph of your essay needs to have at least 3 sentences in each before it can even be considered acceptable by the examiner. The idea is to have you present a complete thought and understanding of all the aspects of the chart you were provided. By limiting yourself to only 2 sentences per paragraph, you fail to display your ability to express yourself in the English language, which is a major component of the scoring system. So the following still needs work.

1st paragraph:
The bar chart reveals... (1st sentence)
It can be clearly seen that... (2nd sentence)
Meanwhile,... (3rd sentence)

Last Paragraph:
The other sports such as... (1st sentence)
A significant figure... (2nd sentence)
In addition,... (3rd sentence)

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / How many male and female Alumni in Canada? IELTS TASK 1 [5]

Nina, apart from the above-mentioned feedback related to grammatical range and accuracy, I might say that this essay is well-written and well-developed. You have successfully mentioned all the necessary information that should be presented. One thing that is unfortunate is that you have some repetitive words that can lower your lexical resource score. The usage of "increase and decrease" seems so repetitive. You can just alter them by using "growth/rise/many other synonyms" that are possible .

Also, your writing is quite predictable. Most of them were in active forms. You are suggested to vary your sentence structure in order to reach band 6 or above. If you take a closer look on IELTS writing task 1 band descriptors, you will see "uses variety of complex structures, produces frequent error-free structures, has good control of grammar and punctuation but may make a few errors". Those are the necessary points that you need to reach in order to boost your final grade in IELTS writing, particularly task 1.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Summary Article (v) Energy-efficient engine turns waste hot water into electricity [4]

Hi Dioba,
At first glance, I can see that your summary suffers from subject-verb agreement errors. Let's take a closer look in the detailed analysis below.

- Recently, Exergin, a company which focusES to produce electricity..., first industrial trials of itsby using/utilizing this new technology.
- ... ships and big factories will/is going to be as equal as energy in ...
- ... nitinol which has several usages such as medical equipments , sunglasses and ...
- ... although a device only improves ahas less efficiencyefficient improvement , but this is the free energy that we can possibly get.
- Furthermore, company hadhas spent their time to perfecting the design ...
- They also predict that it will expand to ...

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / Work to live, or live to work? [3]

Hi Ethan,
Let me help you by pointing out the most noticeable errors that you make. I would focus on grammatical range and accuracy instead of the content. I hope you can follow through.

- ... of the country in which these desirable jobsare located. (this sentence has more than one connectors but you only have one subject and one verb.)

- For example, even a large salariessalaryorlarge salaries will quickly shrinkcut/decrease/reduce(inappropriate collocation for the word "salary". Those are the list of the appropriate collocation for the word "salary") after the costs of (...), and much more. (stop here and create a new sentence. why did you put a semicolon there?)It causes most retirement with littlefew to no savings.

- Often resulted in a higher stress ... (where is the subject and the verb of this sentence? Try to find out and correct them)
- Awareness raisedrose from the article...

Overall, I think this essay is quite understandable even though some of your errors distract the meaning sometimes. You can post the revision below my message. Do not hesitate to ask if you need further assistance. :)

Writing Feedback / The fitness membership between men and women from 1970 to 2000 [3]

Amril, are you really sure that this essay was created in less or approximately 20 minutes? This essay has too many words I guess. Your job is only to summarize the information, and not to elaborate the information. Some people might prefer to write task 2 first because it has bigger score proportion than task 1. Thus, if possible, this essay should be done in less than 20 minutes.

Stating "Overall" has indicated that you address the reader/examiner to read/check your "overview", but why did you mention it twice by saying this "The most significant fact to emerge is that"? It would be redundant, and again, it can lead to an unclear overview which is only worth 5. You need to bear in your mind that 3 sentences minimum is already adequate to cover all the necessary information that should be presented or summarized.

Let me give you a hint by simplifying your intro:

A breakdown of the information about fitness membership for both men and women from 1970 to 2000 is depicted in the bar chart. It is measured in the number of people in every five year. Overall, the most significant fact to emerge is that, men dominated women in the whole period, except in the middle and in the end of the period.

Writing Feedback / Entertainers are paid too much to a certain degree, but people should be wiser when judging [3]

Amril, aside from grammatical reviews that had already been delivered by others, I would like to focus on your content instead. I can see that you were struggling to convince the reader your "unclear" position. If you take a closer look on your statement here "As such, I would say that it is true to a certain degree , although I think other aspects, such as tight schedule and hard work, should be taken into account.". It is true that you "agree" implicitly, but you did negate your "agreement" by considering some aspects. My suggestion is that you need to present a relevant or clear position towards the prompt. If the prompt asks you whether agree or disagree, you are suggested to come up with a clear answer and you are not suggested to negate your own statement as like what you have written above. This can drag your down to 6 or even worse (5).

Also, when you read sample answers, most of them only have 4 paragraphs. Even, I have never seen any sample answers of band 6 or above that has more than 4 paragraphs for a single essay. Writing more than 4 paragraphs would not only broaden the views but it might broaden the focus as well. It might possible to go off topic. This is the thing that you should avoid later on in the next practice. I think that your previous or latest writing is still better than this one.

Hope this helps mate! :)

Writing Feedback / Summary TEDx Backyard forrest to face smog in the cities [3]

Bambang,
Here's my detailed analysis towards your TED Summary.

- Subhendu Sharma wasisthe speaker in the TEDx video . (stop here, new sentence)Hespokesaid that he fascinated...
- Recently, forest morehelp people breath easily by reducingto reduce the smog, but the problem wasisthe forest rare finded amongis rarely found in the cities.

- Therefore, the speaker hadhave idea to create forest in the backyard.
- Beside reducereducing the pollutantpollution , backyard forest offers more advantages. One of them was harvestedis that people can harvest its fruit in the backyard.

- In addition, creatingBb ackyard forest is easywas simple to be created .

As you can see, most of the mistakes are about the usage of tenses. If it is clearly happened in the past, you need to give time signal to indicate that this event happen in the past. However, statement should be delivered by using present form rather than past. I hope by considering the above-mentioned feedback, you can gain some improvements in the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / Learning English has become a basic need for better life around the world. [3]

Ilham,

I am not quite sure whether this is an acceptable summary or not due to its short explanation. This summary doesn't even reach 100 words. Perhaps, adding 1 or 2 sentences would be adequately covered the necessity of a summary itself. However, if you were told to sum the information that is below 100 words, you can just simply ignore my suggestion above.

With regards to the sentence structure, I can see that some of them are influenced by your native language. It doesn't sound English at all. Therefore, paraphrasing your sentences would be beneficial towards the future summary practices. You can see them in the detailed descriptions below.

- It is because English is alwaysmostly used for obtaining job opportunity and getting higher education. (the meaning is quite similar, mention them in a single sentence would be redundant I guess. Also, when you mention "always", I think it is an over-generalized statement. Not all job vacancies need English as one of the requirements.)

- In addition, a forth oflots of references isarebased onwritten in English.
- For instance, in China is the largest country that learning English. (stop here, new sentence) The government implements a regulation for people learningto learn Englishstartedsincein the third grade. by law.(regulation is already official, no need to mention "law" again. It would be redundant.)

Writing Feedback / Seven key takeaways from Donald Trump [5]

Riandi,

Listing ideas might be good sometimes, but I think too many of them would possibly cause some detrimental effects as well. Normally, people mostly list their ideas into three major points. Six or even seven ideas in a single paragraph somehow is not an acceptable paragraphing structure after-all. However, my detailed feedback on the most noticeable errors would be described below.

- ...and the Supreme Court.(it should be in capitalized form)
- Turning to the specification programs.(Can you call this a sentence? Where are the subject and the verb?)
- Firstly, the wall might just be a fence. (you can choose either make a new sentence or use a semicolon) It means there is a construction the fencea huge fence will be built on the border between U.S. and Mexico, so that there...

- Secondly, Trump has the promisepromises to deport illegal immigrants or immigrants without legal documentsundocumented.
- ThirdlyThen , itthere will be an alteration...
- FourthlyHe also wants to sendsending a message to demonstratorsthat they should not worry about the U.S. because He onlycontained about do not worried since Trump only wants to turn backthe U.S. back in the past.

Writing Feedback / Recently, the world has new kinds of mania, mania for learning new languages, especially English [2]

Hi Nda,
Among thousands of TED Talks videos, why did most of the members here choose this video? Is it an obligation or something? However, these are my remarks anyway. Hopefully, it would be helpful.

- ..., alarmingly and even can be deathlydeadly . (remember the rule of parallel nouns/verbs/adverbs/adjectives)
- There are billions of people wholearninglearn English worldwide (...), and China, (comma) the largest ...
- English is considered to be an singleessential language to look for opportunity for better life, and jobs, and even...
- English also represents a hope for a (...) the world has a commonshared/universal language to solve...

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / Daylight Saving Time Bears A Unique Matter [3]

Mujaddidah,

I am not really sure whether this is an acceptable a summary or not. It might quite different from others and I think it is too short. Thus, I recommend you to write more than this one. Adding one or two sentences would be adequate to fulfill the necessary information that you want to describe.

Also, my suggestion is that you need to avoid writing a long-but-complicated-and-inaccurate sentence like this "Fact said that Samuel was born at ..." It is better to split them into two sentences like this. In fact, Samuel was born on the sixth of November at 1.39 a.m.. In 31 minutes later, his twin brother followed him at approximately 1.10 a.m.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / The Building of Recent English Words in Our Brain [4]

Hi Yurike,
I can still notice that your essay suffers from grammatical range and accuracy problems. These are the list of them. I hope that you can gain some improvements by considering one of the feedback below.

- The English language is international tools of communication to anotherother people in the W orld.
- ... the words in English is evolute tooevolved to be new words.
- ... word only to make more easilyit easier for our mind to understand.in understanding in our brain.
- Firstly, one of them isthe stealing of other languages in the world.
- For the example, isthose are languages from France, Japan, etc.
- Secondly, the compounding skill is sequishingsquishingthe more than one word ...
Itiscomes from two wordsi.e.that are heart and brokebroken/break .
- Thirdly, people blend the English word.
- fourtlyFourthly , the functional shift is which by changing the method on how they operate.

Writing Feedback / British societies facing more problems caused by globalisation. WHY BREXIT HAPPENED? [3]

Hi Bambang,

I think that you forgot something that matters in a summary. You forgot to mention WHO the speaker is. It might look simple but a summary cannot be considered a summary if it gives unclear information, particularly the most important one. Also, your essay has major errors in grammatical range and accuracy. This is actually one of the essential criteria that might help you to increase your score in IELTS writing later on.

These are the list of the most noticeable errors on your summary:
- ...because it is not about politics , but more than that, Brexit phenomenon areis ... (try to look back to the beginning of the sentence, "..phenomenon gives.." Why make it plural if it was previously singular?)

- This phenomenon will leadslead Britain to theexperience/feel/have/take the bad impact. (is "bad impact" the appropriate phrase?)
- Globalisation and immigrant can be vanishinglose their culture and all of the important aspects such as ...
- Britain believeS that this...
- Brexit will divide people intoamong civil life, culture, education, and globalisation.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS summary TED Celeste Headlee 10 ways to have a better conversation [2]

Hi Dioba,

... develop an argument and trivialbig, burning, central, critical, crucial, important, key, main, major, vital | wider | minor, side | basic, fundamental | real | contentious, controversial, difficult, thorny | complex | live, unresolved | domestic, global, international, local, national, regional | commercial, constitutional, economic, educational, environmental, ethical, health, moral, policy, political, social, technical, theoretical issues. (apart from other adjectives, "trivial" cannot be collocated with "issue")

- ... than ten thousands of the United StatesAmerican adults / adults in the United Statesare more polarize ...
- The commonmain problem is thateach conversation requires ...some people fail to have an equal proportion between listening and talking.
- ... most of them more prefer to text their friends rather than face to face with their peersmeet them face-to-face/directly/personally.
- Celeste Headlee, as a TED speaker, talks to wide rangevarious types of audience ranging fromof people in her life such as kindergarten teacher, truck driver, billionaire andto Noble prize winner.

- She also says that several advicessome tips/advice to make greatestfascinating conversation such as...

Overall, I can notice that collocation and grammatical range become your major errors. By considering the above-mentioned feedback, I hope that you can gain some improvements later on.

Writing Feedback / A place with Big Ideas to Get Rid of Fossil Fuels [2]

Hi Mujaddidah,

- The most noticeable thingmatter/issue("thing" is quite informal) in Costa Rica is that they...
- ... a massive number of their societiespeople were diedkilled , and...
- ... for military were turnedallocated to social expenses ...
- Then, itthat was what they ...

Ms Araya, a Costa-Ric-an , presented what her country had done regardingtowards fossil fuels issue.
- Costa Rica had utilized (...) electricity since couple of years ago. (couple of years = 299 days? is it? CMIIW)
- There were 299 days that this country did not ...This country did not use fossil fuels for about 299 days.
- She believed that from seven out of ten of energy...

As you can see, you need to pay attention towards grammatical range and accuracy to help you compose a better essay later on. Good luck for that :)

Writing Feedback / (Summary Article) Why Mark Zuckerberg Is Fortune's Businessperson of the Year [11]

Hi Alfin,
Here's my inputs and remarks towards your article summary. I hope you can follow through.

- Facebook, one of the most enormous companybiggest companies , was surprised people in the world.
- This is because the chairman of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg, became Fortune's businessperson of the year.
- Facebook which hadhas 16.000 employessemployees and gotearns annual revenues for almost $27 billion in 2016, with profit at approximately $7 billion.
- In past, Facebook perhaps only small business which built by drop out peopleuneducated person .
- Nevertheless, it now had beenhas become the biggest company in the world, particularyparticularly in media and advertisement.
- The company has been estimated to be worth $350 billion.
- In consequence, Mark became one of the richiestrichest man in the world and winnerwon many award of business awards .

As you can see, most errors were related to spelling, grammatical range and accuracy. Try to be more careful next time :)

Scholarship / Asking kindly to consider my person as a participant of DAAD scholarship programme. [3]

Hi Anna,
Welcome to EssayForum :)

I do apologize to see your thread became a place that irresponsible person just only copy-paste all the paragraphs that you have written above. Therefore, I would like to come up with a better feedback. I hope you can consider this as a helpful one.

First of all, your flaws were related to the usage of contractions, and some grammatical flaws. In academic writing, the writer is not supposed to use contractions in his/her essay. Contractions are only allowed in informal and speaking context. My suggestion is that you can alter your contractions in this thread to be the correct form.

With regards to your grammatical issues, I would like to mention them briefly in the detailed descriptions below.

- So/Thus , that I started to lead my own project.
- However, having examined them carefully, I optedchose 3 most suitable variants by examining them carefully .
- By being in the top five among ...
- The course provides the students with the ...
- ...considerably, so I didn't have andid not have a chance to participate again.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / Animal experiments are ruthless but necessary. Should animals be used in research? IELTS Writing T2 [2]

Hi Chen,
I can see that you have gotten a comprehensive feedback from one of the members in EF. I am sure that the feedback will be helpful towards you future practices later on. However, I would like to add some other suggestions in order to strengthen your writing skill.

First of all, I think that it is better for you to separate each paragraph by giving at least a single space between paragraphs. This might also ease the reader or examiner to assess your writing. Remember, using sufficient paragraphs development is essential to improve your score.

Then, avoid writing contractions like "hadn't and that's why", instead you can just write it in full form. Writing like this would make the essay become less-formal. In addition, try not to put For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So in the beginning of the paragraph. It will also one of the causes that can reduce the quality of the essay or the score itself. Those are categorized as connectors and not cohesive devices.

Writing Feedback / An Easy Brand New Approach for Gardeners [3]

Hi Mujaddidah,
Here's my analysis towards your article summary. Hope this helps :)

- A brand new method in farming fieldagriculture , Aquaponics, is appeared to be true, Aquaponics.
- It is one of the ways to farmcultivate plants/crops by combining...
- It isNeedless to say,that by using this kind of approach...
- This methodology is overwhelmingly(inappropriate collocation)completely natural as...
- Then, (comma needed) the other merits goesgo to the reduction of climate change, groundwater pollution and over-fishing.
- Aquaponics is completely (inappropriate collocation) extremely, really, very | enough, fairly, quite, rather, relatively | incredibly, ridiculously, surprisingly easy to be done... (those are the list of adverbs that can be collocated with the word "easy")

As you can see, some collocation problems are mentioned clearly. You need to pay attention to them in order to make your writing skill better.

Writing Feedback / Article Summary : First home brain implant lets 'locked-in' woman communicate [3]

Nurul, I have read through your essay and I must admit that this is a good example of a summary! There are several points why I like the above summary as I explained as follows.

First, there is no gap from one sentence to each other which indicate that the ideas are flowing nicely. You know how to restate ideas based on the video you have watched and arranged it structurally. Remember only choose the main points rather than put several details in writing a summary (because this is not paraphrasing; sometimes people are confused with these terms). Second, you demonstrate that you have sufficient vocabularies. No words are being overly used and the use of diction sounds natural as well.

Still, I am a little bit confused with this sentence:
- The teams around the world have been working to ...
The word "The teams" in this sentence refers to who? It is better to state it in detail first.

I hope you will gain valuable information from reading the above notes. I am looking forward to read your next writing. Best regards.

Writing Feedback / Mania can be good, warming, and deathly. Nowadays, a novel mania is arising... [3]

Hello Shisha! In addition to the above comments, below are my inputs toward your essay; hope you will gain insights from reading my notes!

- Nowadays, a novel mania, known as English mania, is arising, called English mania . (Pay attention to the sentence structure)
- ... acquired English by screaming it .
- ... started from theone(notice where you should use word "the" and "one" in writing) sole word, which isOPPORTUNITY.(if you want to emphasize certain word/s, you can use italic or bold instead).

Also, I love the first sentence of your essay. For me, it is an interesting opening sentence that can attract reader's interest. The lexical choice that you used is also good. On top of that you know how to express the ideas and write a good summary. Keep practicing!

Writing Feedback / (Summary article) It Just Got Easier to Shop Directly on Instagram [3]

Hi Alfin,
I would like to share my insights towards your article summary.

- In the past, perhaps(I think that "uncertainty" like this is not supposed to be a language that is used in article) most of people just knew F acebook to post their photos or videos.(name, should be in capital form)

- Nevertheless , since Instagram appeared many years ago, a lot of people thoughtthinkthat it is better to post their photosinonInstagram.
- This is because Instagramhadhave many advantages features which didn't has other social media do not have .
- Until now, approximately 500 million people have joined toInstagram . (stop here, new sentence)Itwasis one of the social media which has themost enormouslargest user of social media right now.

What you can learn is that even though you mention "past event", you are not obliged to write all of them in past tense. This is because the fact in the past and the fact in present is similar. For example, if you said that lots of people think that instagram was the best place last year, it means instagram is not the best place this year. Thus, if the fact is quite similar or the same to present time signal, just mention it in present form.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task II most inhabitants where everyone knew each stayed in suburban. [4]

Hi Dioba! First of all, I suggest you to write complete prompt of the task so it can help other members to give you feedbacks.

Now when it comes to your essay, I found there are several words which are being repeated in a paragraph. This is not good for people who want to get a high score on IELTS. One of the aspects to get band 6 or more is the use of lexical choice. Therefore, you need to use wide variants of diction to make your essay better or you can replace several words with its synonym. Still, you need to be careful to use synonym because not all synonym can be used to alter several words.

Secondly, cohesion and coherent is important aspects of writing. I appreciate your effort to put transitional words, such as otherwise and however, in your essay. Please check the examples of transitional signals and how to use it properly to enhance your writing later on. An inappropriate use of transition signals prevents one's essay to get a good impression from readers.

Keep writing!

Writing Feedback / English is used as a second language in some countries [3]

Hi Asmawati! The following are several notes on your essay. I dope you can follow it through.

- Jay Walker, one of the TED-Talk speakers, Jay Walker ,...
- He said that English as an (needs an article) international language,(a comma is necessary) or being second language in some countries in this globethe world, is already learned from early age in manyfor several years.

- In the past, several media were available that people can be easily studying English... (it looks confusing)
- Contrarily, after several years,(put a comma here) the citizens of the world...

Please pay attention to the use of punctuation marks. You did not put a comma in two sentences here. The problem may look simple but it can be a major issue if one not consider it immediately. Good luck with your next practice!

Writing Feedback / Manias can be expressed by various ways. Have your ever heard about English mania? [4]

Hi Abul,

Here's my remarks for your TED Summary. I hope this would be helpful :)

- Manias can be expressed bythrough various ways.
- In some cases, football maniacs, for example, ... (try to think again, "some" is equal to "more than one". Your example is only one)

- ..like the Beetle bandBeatles , even ...
- In China, many students are exertedsuggested / forced to be expert in English.
- Did you know why? (comma is unnecessary)
- The simple answer is because English offers to geta better livelife , job, and education.
- English as the World's second language helps us to have...
- ...then music is a language of motionsemotion .
- Furthermore, English becomes a language of problem solving language and it represents hope for better future. (stop, new sentence)soThus , English manias is a goodpositive trend as the... ("good" is "A1" level word. Positive is "B1" which is higher.)

Writing Feedback / The Relation of Kind of Vehicle and The CO2 Emission is Illustrated on The Given Data [2]

Hi Yurike,

What kind of "table" that you are talking about here? I couldn't see them. Please pay more attention to upload the picture whenever it is necessary, especially when it is related to IELTS task 1. However, I hope the detailed descriptions below would help you composing a better essay later on.

1st paragraph:
- ... which is based on the kind of vehicle types .
- Meanwhile, the various forms of transport are CO2 emissions ...(confusing sentence, simplify it)kind of transports that use CO2 emissions are explained in the bar chart.

- Overall, it can be seen thatthe car is the most popular transport that is used and also resulted many CO2 emissionsin thefor the environment. (needs "period")

"Period" might look simple, but remember that punctuation is one of the criteria of assessing writing in IELTS. Also, I would also like to remind you that a task 1 essay that is below 150 words cannot go beyond 5, even worse, it can be graded as 3 or 4. Try to avoid writing below 150 words later on. :)

Writing Feedback / The kind of transport to go to work in Houston, Texas. Writing test 1 in English studio [6]

Hi Alfin,

I am not really sure that you post this essay in a hurry or what, because I can notice many spelling errors and you also forgot to upload the picture. I suggest you to use spell-checker to help you out. This would also help us in reading and checking the detail of your essay later on. However, please take a closer look on my feedback below.

1st paragraph:
- The table shows the information about kind of transportation that is used by people to go to work ...
- According the table, (comma is necessary) people prefer ...
- Overall, it is noticeable thatthe most people who ...
- InOn the other hand, the higesthighestaverage ageage groupwho go to work areusetake trains and buses, and the smallest averagelowest age groupuseride bikes.

Your second paragraph spelling problems are:
- cylist >> cyclist
- emisson >> emission
- aproximately >> approximately
- healty >> healthy

Also, remember that in English language, you need to write 0.07 instead of 0,07.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / Should universities pay more to professors in order to improve the education quality, or not? [4]

@donge

It is true that the phrase that you have mentioned convey the same meaning, but if you switch them, I think that it would look stylistically better than the previous one. You need to remember that varying the sentence structure is one of the things that might help you achieving a high score in writing.

Another suggestion for you is that it is related to the title itself. When you want to write an essay with special purpose such as IELTS or TOEFL, you are suggested to mention it in the title. For example, you can just write "IELTS Task 2: Should universities..." , "TOEFL integrated essay: Should universities.." or any other types of essay that you might feel accurate.

Also, almost all essay has a prompt that tells you what to write. Mentioning the prompt would be beneficial for us in checking whether your essay has already answered the prompt or not. This would be beneficial for your future practices later on. Thus, gaining some improvements would also be easier compared with the correction that only focuses on grammatical range and accuracy.

Writing Feedback / The debatable issue regarding to what is the primary function of post-secondary education [2]

Hi Amril,

Here's my feedback based on IELTS band descriptors.

Task Response:
- The absence of examples in the main body paragraphs can make your ideas are not sufficiently developed. However, you are able to address all parts of the task although some parts are fully covered than others. Therefore, by having some positive features of band 6 and negative features of band 5, I assume that this essay is worth 5.5 for task response.

Coherence and Cohesion:
- Due to the existence of overall progression in the introduction paragraph and effective usage of cohesive devices, I can say that you are able to get 6 for this one.

Lexical Resource:
- Your attempt to use some less common vocabularies like "horizon and insights" but with an inaccuracy in plural-singular form can raise your score in lexical resource to 6.

Grammatical range and Accuracy:
- By using simple and complex sentence forms, your writing is getting better. The thing that is unfortunate is that there are still some inaccuracies when writing some complex sentences like "although......., but..." double connectors issue, but it doesn't reduce communication. Thus, 6 is the most appropriate score for this part.

As you can see Amril, an overall score for this essay is approximately 6.0. However, this is just my opinion towards your essay. It might be only a prediction, but if you consider some points that I have delivered, it might be beneficial for your future practices or even real test. :)

Writing Feedback / TED Summary Joshua Prager Wisdom from great writers on every year of life [3]

Hi Dioba,

- ... by Norman Mailer in 1968. (stop here, new sentence)He said that aged 44 years old is the age which someone wasis a rigid embodiment of bone... (mentioning facts should be in present form)

- ..., Joshua Prager, as a TED speaker, feels his (...) a tremendously goodamazing year. (C1 + B2 level of word is quite imbalance I think)
- In this chance,Hetries totells us about wisdom from... (He isn't trying to tell but he tells something I guess)
- He argues that every writerswriter wants to share their...
- ForTo illustrate, (...) and his Brothers, he said that it will happen to him. as to them
- ... we are and who we will be to .
- Similar withto James Salter...
- In the other wordother words ,...
- The lastLastly/Finally/Eventually, William Trevor (...) Love Department said that if you are thirty-seven, it is an age of discretion.
- All of them isarequotesquotations from greater writers, to teach every people about life.

Some alterations have been given briefly, I hope you can consider this as a helpful message. Keep practicing :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing T2: Some people think that the government is wasting money on the arts and ... [3]

Hi Wai,

I can see that your target is quite high for writing. Perhaps, I can only give you some suggestions or perhaps the criteria of band 8 in IELTS writing task 2 and a possible way to achieve it. There are four essential criteria of IELTS writing task 2. Those are Task Response, Coherence and Cohesion, Lexical Resource, and Grammatical Range and Accuracy. The detailed descriptions would be explained below.

For achieving band 8, you need to:

Task Response:
- Sufficiently addresses all parts of the task
- Presents a well-developed response to the question with relevant, extended and supported ideas.

> If you agree on something and you still mention "but", it can be considered a partial agreement and you cannot sufficiently addresses all parts of the task.

Coherence and Cohesion:
- sequences information and ideas logically
- manages all aspects of cohesion well
- uses paragraphing sufficiently and appropriately

> To sequence information and ideas logically, I think that mentioning example after topic sentence is not a good idea. You are suggested to explain it first, then you can mention some examples about it to support your argument.

Lexical Resource:
- uses a wide range of vocabulary fluently and flexibly to convey precise meanings
- skilfully uses uncommon lexical items but there may be occasional inaccuracies in word choice and collocation
- produces rare errors in spelling and/or word formation

> Uncommon lexical items are still quite infrequent in your essay. I notice most of your vocabularies are common. Try to look up and memorize as many advanced vocabularies (C1 or C2) as you need in Cambridge English Online dictionary to help you. Remember, those advanced vocabularies should be collocated properly to achieve band 8.

Grammatical range and Accuracy:
- uses a wide range of structures
- the majority of sentences are error-free
- makes only very occasional errors or inappropriacies

> Some of your sentences are still inaccurate. I can still notice subject-verb agreement problems occur in your essay. My suggestion is that you can use "Ms. Word" Grammar and Spell checker to help you (it is okay if you have another software that is better than ms word). However, you also need to know that Grammar and Spell checker is also a software made by human, it is possible to be inaccurate. If your sentence is quite complicated, sometimes it won't work properly. Also, avoid making fragmented sentence like the last sentence in your last paragraph. This can drag your score down below 8.0 if you keep doing the same mistake.

Hope this helps :)