Scholarship / My first essay to apply for scholarships! (Graduating 2016) - Why i deserve X scholarship? [4]

Tiyeda, first of all WELCOME to EssayForum...we're glad to have yet another member of the forum..

Now, writing an application for scholarship is never easy, however if this is what you want then we will be here to help out.

- I need thisThis scholarship because I know how much my mom wants me to succeed, that's all she's ever wanted from me.will be my key to advance and succeed in life, it will also be my proof to show my parents, especially my mom, that I can succeed in life.

- What girlWho would notdoesn't want to be able to run to her dad if a guy breaks her heart?

- It tears me apart inside, for the longest time I thought I did something wrong, always blaming myself.

- Since my mother has lupus he knowknows that stress is a key component in causing it to flare and that is exactly what he is trying to do.

- Right now in my life my motivation is on making my mom proud, giving her a peace of mind, I hate to see her struggle.

- She is too good of a person for me not to do thethat one thing that she asks of me, which is getting the most education I can and becomingbecome a registered nurse.

- But of course I'll only find out the authenticthat magnificent reaction I will receive when that day comes.

So there you go, Tiyeda, I made a few corrections, however, I have to be honest with you, the points that the institution would seek in order for them to grant you the scholarship is not only due to your current family and financial status, they will look more into your academic standing and what you can contribute as a student.

I suggest re- writing your application with the notes and points I have given.

Good luck and let us know if you need further assistance.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Advertisement on USA summer camps jobs - write why you want work there. [2]

- Summer camps are regarded as significant activities to build children's skills and develop their abilities to create good generation ina better future.

- So I have bebeen interested in summer camps since I was eight years old .

- Moreover , I am legible to join USA summer camp , and I meet all USA summer requires .that will enable me to meet other people.

- Firstly:First, my English language is excellent.

- thus , I feel so active , I am active and I always wake up early to do exercises.

- ThirdlyNext , my experience in managementmanaging summer camps is over five years.

- In addition, I have attended Management and leadership course for 60 hourscourses .

- Because I work as coordinator of organizing summer camps in Ministry of Education for primary schools who their aged between 7 to 13 years old .

- In conclusion, Really, I am looking forward to join USA summer camps.

-In order to, offeringshare my experience to serve young students. Moreover,and ultimately to develop my skills and exchange experiences.

M19, there you have it, my corrections for your essay. I salute you having the passion to help and serve others, being in summer camps is truly a rewarding experience.

Now, I have a few points that may help you further;

- use of punctuation mark, when you break a sentence to emphasize your idea, use comma (,) when ending a sentence, use period (.), you have to know exactly when and where to place your punctuation marks

- capitalize the first letter of the first word at the beginning of each sentence

- grammar construction and the logic of ideas on your essay, this are major writing issues that you have to take care of.

Good luck on your quest.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / We can not critique Internet as good or bad. It is a multifaceted problem. [3]

- ToIn my point of view, I strongly believe that the good or bad influence of internet is depend on us.

- On the oneother hand, the internet plays an integral part in an integrated and developed world.

- It is impossible to gain information quickly from all corners of the world just by using thethe traditional waysway .

- But with internet, we can see a huge stepping- stone in our life:; gaining information in a lightning speed, having distance education just by staying at home and learning online lesson, watching the lives inlife as it unfolds in different parts of the world, even the milky way which is billions of light years far from us.

- How Can we imagine about a world missingthe world without this miraculous device in one day?

- We can notcannot deny or replace the benefits of the internet, especially in a world which is developing every second.

- As the Internet accelerates the speed of Information, there are tons of harmful and useless information is out of control.

- If we do not prepare or perceive how dangerous they are, we can easily be affected in mentalmentally and have a poor vision about life.

- We can easily have muscle aches, dizziesdizziness and diabetes if we stay in one position for a long time. So can we put the internet into the word "perfect"?

Phoenix, your essay is written well, as you can see I only made a few grammar corrections, it's may seem a few but grammar corrections are major ones so I suggest you work on that on your next article. You also have to work on the following;

- use of linking verbs

- word choice

Overall, this is a good piece to read.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Scholarship / How receiving an Endeavour Scholarship or Fellowship would make a difference to your personal life? [2]

One thing that I want to share with you, when it comes to scholarship applications, you also have to include your future contributions to the institution and the community, the faculty always look for a give and take in the process, which I believe is just the best way people should work in order to have a balance in life.

Good luck with your application and do let us know what happens, we would love to hear from you.

Keep writing!

Writing Feedback / "Time flies". So grab all the moments you can within the time. Indeed college years are the best. [6]

Sally, I'll be working on your essay. Hopefully it helps;

- College years is too soon to passtoo pass soon and leave a vestige on us for lifetime.

- It teaches us many valuable lessons, can make new friends and form a base to face the life ahead.

- An experience of an educational tour for 4 years teaches us many valuable lessonsa great deal of knowledge about life in general .

- College dodoes not only teaches us the bookish knowledge but endows us with myriads of priceless lessons.

- It directs you onto the right path to your destination.

- They are still alive in my memory and We often meet and re- live the memories of our college days.

- Including valuable lessons and making new friends, college supply a base for us to face the upcoming life ahead .

- Eventually, college years are the best years of one's life. as it endows us with lessons,we delete this phrase as it has been used too many times throughout the essay) friends and inner-strength to face the real world.

- Twelve years of school and four more years of college, then you work out till you die Total of 16 long and life enriching school days and of we go for yet another colorful chapter of life.

- SO GO LIVE YOUR FOURTHIS FULL FRUITFUL FOUR YEARS! DON'T YOUDARE MISS THEM!

So, there you have it. I made some corrections, most of the grammar and sentence construction which is quiet major corrections but I know you will do better next time.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Book Reports / Elisa is a short story. It talks about a little girl. Describing a book. [4]

- The story isnamesnamed after her.

- She is from outside, but she is different.( what do you mean by she is from "outside" ) She loves reading a lot.

- Even if she is 5 years old, she is persisted on enteringpersistent in going to school.

- She is a 5 yearsyear old girl; a child who needs care, love and support especially from parents.

- The woman is bitten( "bitten" is from the word "bite") beats her.

- She sufferssuffered from the heaviest hourheavy hours of work and the bad difficulties of life; food, clothes and bed.

- She feels aslike a slave, thing and machine that created just for work and accept her terrible destinedestiny .

- However, she forget her pursuepurse and Elisa follows her outside the shop.

- So, she decides to adopt her and make her dream of being educatedof education come true.

- Staying the same person even if theythere are difficulties is a great key to show otherothers that values canis a reliable shield against evil and all forms of corruption.

Fatima, this is indeed a good story to tell. It's well written, GOOD JOB!!!
The corrections I made, hopefully, will increase the understanding of people towards your story.

Proof read this and yu should be good to go

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / The new Internet problems. Threat for the children and cyber crime - IELTS [3]

Gundam, WELCOME TO EssayForum, definitely one of the best forums you can ever be.

Now, I will work on your essay. Upon proof reading it, here's what I found;

- However, this outstanding achievement associates with unprecedented issues relating to underage access to dangerous websites and a cyber crime.

- First, the Internet is conducive to young children's access to pornography sites, which may impair their mental health.

- Although, the age requirement is put in place during the registerregistration process, children can still make a fictitious claim about their ages.

- A solution to remedy this isis to minimize as farmuch as possible the risk of being deprived of personal information.

- For instance, Internet users should refrain themselves from disclosing their personal information on Facebook.

- In summary, the co-ordinationcoordination ( this is one word ) of parents in keeping an eye on their children and the caution taken by Internet users showhas shown to be effective in addressing the Internet-related problems.

So there you have it Gundam, hopefully the corrections I made will help you.
Score will be at 7, I believe you wrote this essay well and the flow and sentence construction is good.

- Proof read it and you should be good to go

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Undergraduate / The job you like when you finish your education. [2]

- Of all the jobs I have known, marketermarketing is perhaps the one I think about after my graduation.

- It seems to be a very hard work and in many ways requiring high qualification.

- Marketing gives me a chance to deepdeeply understand real life, know what people want and make them satisfy their demand.

- In other words, it is just simply learnlearning about the way that human thinkingthink .

- Additionally, athe basics that any professional marketer always need to have is patience.

- You can notcannot convince any partner or customer to agree without the patience.

- All of this makemakes a marketer jobis a hard job.

- Besides, it is also an interesting job that is pretty suitable for me in future.

- Today, thus , i will try my best day by day to be a good marketerin marketing in the future.

Enn, as you can see most of your sentences have one or two corrections, this is because the word choice is not making sense or is lacking a few kicks in it. I suggest doing a practice that really works for me, read the sentence out loud and when if they don't sound good, there's definitely something to fix.

- proof reading is also a good practice

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Speeches / What is the price we will pay for a society dependent on technology? [2]

Assan, Welcome to EssayForum!!! It's the first time I read your writing, I assume this is your first.
Now, here's my corrections;

- ThroughoutThrough time our main goal as a species has been to achieve perfection.

- Until Vincent assumes the identity of Jerome Morrow, a perfect genetic specimen who is a paraplegic as a result of a car accident, gives him a chance to achieve his goal.

- People will be denied equal opportunity which is ina violation of their basic human rights, that everyone is seen equal.

As you can see, I only saw minor corrections. However, I would suggest that you also consider the following;

- mind your linking verbs

- when delivering your speech, show full conviction, give power to your words and last but definitely not the least, give life to your speech

- proof read and own your speech like it's the air you breathe

I was once part of an organization that teaches or shall I say coaches students for their speech and I think the key that sets our students apart from others, is that, they give their speech a whole new life, the give their heart to it.

Good luck and don't forget to let us know what happens..

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Letters / Letter of plea for transcript to be wiped. [2]

- Which was in hindsight a poor choice, but it was what I felt I had to do, especially since I was trying to get away from an unfavourable family situation whenever possible .

- A couple months into my first semester I was kicked out of homethe house .

- Thankfully, one of my close friends was happy to put me uptake me in temporarily.

- However, It wasn't long before there wasit created strain on our friendship, with no income to pay for board/food, and I was forced to look for full time work to support myself or else I'd be on the street.

- I obtained full time employment and unfortunately didn't re- attend university again.

- Even though my family circumstances led to my absence, my biggest mistake was not withdrawing after my first semester, which in hindsight I would do anything to change.it is critical to withdraw in order to have a clean record in the university.

- After I found out I had been re-admitted to XXX University this semester ,I was overwhelmed with anticipation and cannot wait to commence study.

I will not let go of this second chance to pursue my education, the gift of education is the gift that I will fulfill and be proud of myself. I believe that this institution is the key to my success and I will devote all of me to attain my goals.

Throwaway90, first of all CONGRATULATIONS!!! Welcome back to the academe!
Now, I made a some corrections on your letter. However, I believe when it comes to wiping out your transcript there's actually no such thing, what you can do is to take those subjects again, ace it and that will do the magic, you maybe thinking of the future, and yes when you get to show people your transcript they will ask about that mark in your transcript but believe me they will not ask if you ace this second one.

So good luck..

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / What people do with their rubbish and how a town tries to keep the area clean and attractive? [3]

- A Health is an important part in our life, so our priority in our city is an environment , and people consider keeping our environment and work together to preservation of the environment .Rephrasing this sentence to;

Health is an important part of our life and the best way to achieve good health is to preserve our environment and work together to make it better.

- Therefore , the municipality and The ministry of environment put regulations and instructions to take care of our village .

- firstlyFirst , organizing the collection ofcollecting garbage.

- This way is to facilitatesfacilitate classification of garbage and transferingtransferring each sorts of rubbish to specific place .

- SecondlyNext , recycling waste . after collecting it , then transport it to factories to recycle it to useful materials , we can use it again in all aspects in our life .

- Lastly , workshops about conservation of environment to increase environmental awareness among people to encourage them to take care of their city , and how they can recycle some rubbish to beneficial objects to exploit it at home .

- Consequences , jumping number of visitors to our town , and reducing pollution which causes several diseases .

- furturemoreFurthermore saving cost of treatment because of decreasing number of patients .

M19, first of all welcome to EssayForum, I believe this is the first article I read from you.
So, I made some corrections, most of it grammar corrections and the following;

- I know this may be a draft writing for you, but get use to writing your sentences correctly, start by capitalizing the first letter of the first word of the sentence.

- spell checker should always be turned on

- mind your spacing and your punctuation marks too

- proof read

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Graduate / Longer time exams preparing is preferable to secure higher scores - more occasions for revisions [5]

- Studying before an important exam for long provides a room for revision. Students like me need two times revision before appearing for an examination. I usually forget what I study, so I need a revision. If you study at least two months before, you can easily revise it two times before exams. Sally, I'm not really sure of your meaning with "revision", I believe you want to say;

Studying before a long exam provides room to review more and be prepared. Students like me need to review at least two times for an examination. I usually forget what I have studied so I definitely need to review. If you study at least two months before, you can easily review for about two times more before the exams.

- Stern studies and proper revisionreview results to good scores.

- So, if uyou ( it's like texting but I know it's just impulse, so be careful) start studying beforefor a long time,...

- While writingtaking the exam, it often happens that uyou black out.

-It normally happens when you study at the last moment and you need to remember that long hassle syllabus in a short time.

- I usually start my studies from long backto study long time before the exams which gives me more accuracy and peace to myof mind mind.

Sally, kindly find my corrections above.
I would also suggest for you to mind the following;

- your linking verbs, know exactly when and why you need to add them in your sentence

- I know how hard it is to write without the impulse of writing like texting in our mobile phones but always remember to write the whole word and not the phone - text type

- choice of words, mind the words you use as this determines the idea of your essay

- I also did a few grammar corrections

Otherwise, you have a good essay,practice more.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / IS EATING NO MEAT AND FISH REALLY SO BENEFICIAL? [4]

- Health has become a potentialcritical ( "potential" is like health is an option when it's clearly not) aspect for people's lives.

- For this reason, people tend to prevent consuming meat and fish because maintaining a healthy lifestyle is a must .

- Interestingly, this renders positive effects to all people in around the world as well.

- While it is utterly acceptable, since people are determine not to eat meat and fish...

- Therefore, they prefer consuming dish fromthat has vegetables and fruits, such as salad, carrot and spinach.

- For instance, Chinese are of certain habit tohabitually eat vegetables every time and assume that meat is not needed for human's lives.

- By doing so, they are protected from diseases in their lives .

- As such, This presently hashas recently caused a prominent trend in human's healthy body.

Alif, I made some corrections on your essay. I suggest re-writing it following the way it is written with the corrections.
Also, mind the following;

- the use of linking verbs, has, have, in,on,etc., placing these verbs in the right form and place in the sentence matters a lot

- grammar notes as well should be observed

- sentence construction, you tend to go back and forth on your ideas and thoughts with the essay, I suggest that you answer this questions so you have a plot in your essay;

> what are the benefits of healthy balanced diet

> what do we need to do in order to achieve balance diet without unbalancing the ecosystem

> How do we keep a motivation towards good health

Overall, your essay is a good step to writing more in the future.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Maintaining body health and saving the world as a whole with eating no meat or fish [2]

- More and more people now neglect to consume meat or fish. They argue that this benefits for either their own health or the world as a whole. As far as I am concerned, it is believed that this will encourage plenty of people to have healthy diet as they frequently consume food far fewer calories and less fat. Again, what individuals do this is a shape of responsibilities in saving the world from danger global warming affected greenhouses gases produced the amount of meat production.

Iqbal, after reading this first paragraph, I went blank, I guess there's just too much ideas, thoughts and facts jammed up in this paragraph that makes no sense, I suggest rephrasing it. In attempt to rephrase it, kindly find below;

More and more people are neglecting meat and fish as part of their diet. They are more careful and they believe that what they put in their plate can somehow affect the world as a whole. People are encouraged to have a healthy diet, consume just enough food, fewer calories and less fat. The fact that people are taking a step in living healthier is a proof that people share the responsibility of saving the world from the dangers of global warming.

Now, from the paragraph above, I'm hoping you can rephrase the other paragraphs and take it from here.

Don't forget to proof read too.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / IELTS: PEOPLE OBEY TO INTAKE VARIOUS GRASS-FED ANIMALS IN ORDER TO OFFER BENEFIT TO ENVIRONMENT [3]

- For example, in 2014, there will bewas ( the action has been done in the past, past tense of the verb should be use) an estimated 1,665,540 cancer suffers in US as such consuming red meat.

- They consume a considerable amount of meat in which they are having lunch or dinner frequentlyfor lunch or dinner .

- Thus, people getinvolved inbecomes obese and they have to deal with obesity their entire life .

- By obeying these kinds of diet, people intend to be healththink they are healthy .

- Neglecting to eat the right amount of meat renders positive development for the earth as animal's faecesfeces produce carbon emission.

- To exemplify, studies from the national trust of United Kingdom determined....

- Consequently, it would benefit through the environment.

- I am of notion that Consuming red meat creates beneficial effect forto human particularly the teenagers..

- As a result, they possess great deal of energy needed forto fulfilling their day-to-day activities.

- The aforementioned evidence shows that although obeying the amount of varied diet of livestock renders positive development for inhabitants and the environment,

- consuming meat has tremendous usefulcontributionforto human life particularly for the teenagers.

- Where possible, people are suggested to do notnot to avoid meat.

Asep, I made a few corrections as you can see above, I hope it helps
Once you this essay re - written, proof read it and you should be good to go.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Undergraduate / TASK 2: Children are supposed to start their schools at the age of four [2]

- Education is the first aspect to create human's quality. This sentence puzzled me a bit, what do you want imply, "create human equality" or create quality life for human.

- For this reason, many countries implement a rule in which children are supposedsuppose ( the action is in the present form so use the present tense of the verb) to start their schools at the age of four.

- Children are easy to imitate what they notice from people's behavior.

- This is because their cognitive and motoricmotor skills have developed perfectly in order that theyfor them tocan gain much information to be processed.

- Consequently, children present the best performance in the class for understandingand understand what they learn.

- It is undeniable that they have already to achieve some knowledge of schoolfrom school thanks to the improvement of their physical abilities and brain capacities.

- Therefore, it is imperative that education stakeholders in several countries should take into consideration, for the ages of schoolchildren before they meet formal education.

Adhisti, welcome back, I haven't read any of your essays for a long time.
Now, I made a few corrections as you can see above. I also want to remind you of the following;

- proof read

- you have a couple of spelling mistakes, so turn on spell checker all the time

- I also made a few grammar corrections

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Undergraduate / English is a key to open the door to the outside world - essay with reasons why learn this language. [4]

Enn, as I check your essay, I already observe that your title needs a little bit of work;

- Why do you have to learn English?

- NowadayNowadays , cultural and economic exchanges between countries causes us have to learntlearn some foreinforeign language such as the most vital one, English.

- First and foremost, many foreign companies withthat offers high salary and also give us a better chance to improve ourselfourselves require a high-level English.

- Thus, we need to master it to be able to apply and get a good job.applied for a nice job .

- MoroverMoreover , not only in foreign companies,

- work in domestic companies with a skillful-English capabilities also enable us to promote in ourworkget promotion and advance easily.

- Furthermore, many goods onin the market we know come from thatthese countries, so we need English to read its details information.

- Not to mention, almost today's youth's entertainments is based onin English include ofincluding musics, films, PC games,...

- In summaryOverall , we need to learn English day by day to master it in future.

Now, Enn, I have a few tips that might help you in your future writing;

- mind your linking verbs, in, on, they really affect the idea that you want to bring in your sentence

- grammar as well, a few grammar mistakes, one that I normally do, I proof read my sentences and one's a sentence doesn't sound right, that means there's something wrong and you have to enhance it.

- I also notice a few spelling mistakes, turning on your spell check in the computer will definitely make a difference.

- remember to proof read it

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Distance between family members is extremely increasing nowadays. [3]

Marned, first of all, good job in coming up with an essay. However, I notice that your title itself needs work already. Please find it below;

- The extendextended family is less important now than it was in the past. Do you agree or disagree!

- There are many compelling reasons that I mentionedwill mention in following.

- Mostly, the oldest person was responsible of making decision and others had to obey and respect to his idea.

- Although,This leaves other individuals of the family felt that they are less valuable especially women.

- Second of allNext , cities are developed and then distance of family members is increased.

- Consequently, we cannot be in touch with each other closely.

- Technology is a great help and we have a widespreadwith different means forof communicationwe are able to communicate well .

- Mostly, we are contacting each other by phone, email and social networks. We usually visit each other once in a year.

- Because, there is nonot enough time and financial resources isare limited.

- Accordingly, there are many striking contrast between todaytoday's living style and what was in the past.

- As the aforementioned examples show, the extended families is less important in compare with what they wascompared with how they are in the past.

Okay, now that I have made corrections, I have a few more points that, hopefully, will help you in future writing;

- starting your sentence with "because", is not a common way to start a sentence

- rather than starting a sentence with "because", cut your sentence using punctuation marks such as comma (,) in order to stress the following idea and to avoid starting a sentence with "because".

- mind your linking verbs as this will affect your sentence to a certain degree

- proof read

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Undergraduate / What can the study of animals tell us about ourselves and the world we live in? Improvements seeking [2]

- For instance, model animals such as squid and fruit flies have helped scientists understand human( we omit "human" as our examples are squid and flies, they are obviously not humans) genetics and nerves...

- This also meant that the cells in the mouth had the genetic informationcomposition needed to produce a full leg.

Waz, I read through your essay and worked a little bit. I have very minor grammar corrections,I'm not sure though if you meant "genetic composition" or "genetic information", so you get to decide, ok.

Now, going back to your essay, overall, your essay is good, it's written well.

Before you submit it, mind the following;

- proof read

- good job on your citation

- mind your sentence construction as you seem to jump back and forth on your ideas

- your paragraphs have a good flow however, the logical order needs to be worked on

Furthermore, I suggest that you write more, practice and read a lot, this enhances your vocabulary and will help you with your writing.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / The universities should keep the doors open to all and students need to get equal chance in studying [2]

- ...could be considered as an evidentevidencefor theof freedom violation in the progressive countries.

- Even if we accept the claims on priority of one sexgender on another in studying specific university subjects,

- still this is the person who should choose his way while I believe that this is not merely him whofor his benefits from equal chances.

- In the light of taking into account the other half of the society's talents, enormous number of novel ideas, inventions and developments would come into appearanceto surface , which would have been dwindled under the shadow of dogmatism.

Far, I have made a few corrections. I guess what I can add to your essay is that, gender equality has always been a topic that people will never win.

It's an idea that will always be accounted for, may it be a talk in the office, a speech or even a sit down with friends.

Gender equality is one action that should be taken seriously and if we make it happen, I would like to say that the world will be a better place but there's a lot more than gender equality but at least it will help ease the current world situation.

Now, going back to your essay. I think it's good, however, proof read your essay all the time so you can further your essay.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Some people think that it is good to keep pets at home [2]

- FirstlyFirst , pets need a big space to play.

- SecondlySecond , it is too expensive to keep them.

Makrine, as you can see above, there's very few and minor corrections that I made, simply because your essay is written well.
However, your essay is quiet short, I suggest adding a few more paragraphs to it and elaborate your points further.

I, myself is an advocate of animal welfare. I always strive to promote and educate people about taking good care of animals.
Animals in general are very delicate, sensitive and they are our help in times when we cannot trust the people around us anymore.
Taking care of animals is indeed very tricky, not only because they require undivided attention and a little bit of expenditure, also because they need constant training and we need to nurture there capabilities of helping people and even further, save lives.

==============================

You can add a few points from the one I've written. I hope it helps.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Task 1. Global sales of top mobile phones [2]

- The bar chart below shows global sales of the top of five mobile phone brands between 2009 and 2013.

- It is clear that the Nokia is the by the most successful sold by brand sold in the years.

- It is also noticeable that the figures for Nokia and Samsung mobile phones sold by anyin these particular years tend to be fairly similar.

- After that LG was followed by ZTE are onlyand other global mobile with a noticeable the lowestlow proportion of phone about 110% between 2009 and 2013.

Bob, I made a few grammar corrections on your analysis.
Mind your sentence construction as it really affects the thought of the whole paragraph.
There's one habit I have and I think it will work, I proof read my writing and when they sound flat, that means
there's something wrong and you have to enhance it.

Overall, It's a good analysis and you scored all the points that needs to be taken cared of.

Write more and read a lot, this helps enhance your vocabulary.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Is it better for students to work on their assignments together or alone? [4]

- The projects that students work on at school are very important because ,working on projects are very important in our new modern lives,it enhances the skills of our students and successful projects can help solvingsolve a lot of problems.

- The main reason is that, when students work on projects together, they learn how should they should work with each other and they will get better results.

- When you work with other students you can share your ideas and select the best ideas that can improve the quality of the project.

- The result was we amazing and we received the reward of the best magazine among all schools.

- So as I mentioned, team works make young children forface bigger responsibilities in the future.

- To conclude there is no doubt that working on school projects as a team at schools help students get...

- So I completely agree with working on projects as a team and I think that schools should...

Nelly, your essay is written well, besides the fact that you started rough, overall the essay is good.

However, I have a few points that may help in your future writing;

- grammar, make sure where to situate your subject

- smooth flow of sentences, good job on that

- proof read all the time so you can avoid what happened in the beginning of the essay, I think it was just typo error

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / The role of universities in providing students with the proper education and consequently a good job [2]

- As a matter of fact, All university study programs has a curriculum which is restricted bywith a schedule withof specific activities.

- If the the universities add to theira program a time to teach job skills,...

- The not-well-qualified medical practiotionerpractitioner will need more time to be as theirat par with their colleagues and to get good job opportunities.

- In the current time,Currently, scientific fields are rapidly converging and are very dependent onto each other.

- so Hence it's not a wise step to prepare a student with the skills required for a certain profession ignoring the others.

- therefore, I totally disagree to engagein engaging universities in the process of training graduates with job skills.

- AtIn the end, I ask graduate students to focus on their studies and to puttputoffout the job training for now.

Roma, as you can see, the corrections I made this time is only a few, this means you're getting better with your writing.

However, I have a few reminders for you;

- punctuation marks, I observed that you use hyphen (-) a lot in your writing, not a problem, you just have to know where to put them and the reason why you have to put them

- I'm not sure if this is just a draft, but when you do the one to be submitted, make sure that you capitalize the first letter of the first word at the beginning of your sentence

- I also have a couple of misspelled words, so make sure you turn on your spell checker

- proof read all the time

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / How much time for themselves will have people in the future? Will they be busier than we are today? [3]

- Some people believe that peoplethey ( we omit the "people" as you have used it already, avoid redundancy ) will become busier and have no time to for leisure activities than now, others believe otherwise.

- It is therefore timely to consider the validity of this perspective.

- To begin with , the advent of new technology...

- ...he had to write a lot of documentariesdocuments by hand and report them to his supervisor in person.

- However, now the internet made it possible for him to finish his tasks within a short period of time;

- he could write documentariesdocuments on the computer and send them to their his supervisor via e-mail.

- For example, my friend wasis a lawyer.

- Eventually, he got another job with an extended vacation making him be able to enjoy leisure activities.

- As a result, he became more energetic and satisfied about his lifestyle everthan beforemore than ever .

- As mentioned, I think that people will have more time to enjoy their hobbies because they will be able to finish their work within a short period of time and will become more interested in their leisure activities.People who enjoys leisure time are more productive and are more likely to spend tenure in the company than people who don't. Balance of work, leisure time, healthy lifestyle and social responsibility makes the future a welfare for greater good.

Jyh2013, I made a few corrections on your essay. I hope it helps.

- mind your linking verbs

- your choice of words is good and the sentence structure is smooth

- proof read this before giving it a go

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Measuring quality of a nation. What is the best determinant of a wise, respectable society? [3]

- ...a definition of a great nation cannot be just the welfare of the people, but also how the nation is interact with the globe.

- Even if the citizens of the conquering nation livinglive a good life, the unfair act toward colonies cannot be justified and should be condemned.

- If one nation similay( "similay", it's a word but I'm not sure what you want to imply) tries to conquer other nations for the welfare of themselves,... other nations will criticize and try to suppress such attempts.

- It is because now we, as a global society, has a consensus that one should not intrude otherothers just for the benefit of their own.

- The North Korea's claim was revealed to be a lie, and it was revealed that they confined disablespeople with disabilities in a separate facilities or sometimes killed.

- In conclusion, it is very hard to define what is the surestperfect indicator.

Harin, I made a few corrections as you can see above. I hope it help.

Also, mind the following;

- use of linking verbs such as is, are, etc.

- proof read

- word use, big words does not always mean that it's the right word than you need to use to complete your sentence, I would rather use the most common words so that the readers will understand the message of the essay.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Pretty, attractive girl with great voice - we spend a lot of time together. Best friend paragraph. [6]

- DuringIn my 12 years at school, I have had many friends.

- We acquainted with each other when we began studying at primary school.

- She is a pretty girl, that attracted me in the first seeat first sight .

- She is a person who always go to school with me day by dayeveryday , go shopping inon our free time, watch ghost film at night,ectetc. .

- Those is myare the happy time in my life.

- Moreover, she has especialyspecially a good voice so that whenever I'm in a bad mood she'll sing songs that I love toand it appease me.

- Besides, she also gives me many advicesadvice when i'mI'm in trouble, stand by me when I have difficultysdifficulties .

- She saystells me what is right, what is wrong, what should I do and I dont, ectdon't, etc. .

- Little by little, I realize that She is aan important person in my life.

- I just sayswant to to tell herto her that:, Ryan, you're the greatest friend I hashave in my life.

Linhdemon, your essay needs quiet a lot of work but good job on stepping up and writing on your own, some people can't even start to write a paragraph on their own. I made some correction as you can see above, also, mind the the following;

- the use of have, had, has, know exactly when to use this verbs as they affect your writing

- I notice a couple of spelling mistake, so turn on your spell check whenever you're writing

- linking verbs as well should be taken into consideration such as is, are, to, etc, in order for your sentences to be complete

- grammar is not so bad and I know this is your first, so keep writing,practice more

- proof read your essay and read english books and dictionaries, they help a lot in enhancing your vocabulary

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Public transportation makes that less exhausts are ejected from motorbikes and cars into the air [2]

- The first benefit of it is the reduction in theof air pollution.

- The reason for that is the exhaust ejected from motorbikes and cars will be lessened .

- SecondlySecond , one of the positive effects of using public transports is diminishing the traffic accidents.

- For instance, using bus to go to work is safer than travellingtraveling by motorbikes and cars.

- By going to work by underground, you can save money for some plans such as: going on picnic, going shopping,etc.... .

- In conclusion, there are many helpful influences onin our life if we use public transportations

Tang, I made a few corrections on your paragraph.

- proof read all the time

- the use punctuation mark, when giving out examples and you have to end it, you can use "etc." but not the consecutive periods (...)

- this paragraph is quite short and all the while I was thinking it's just an intro but writing a conclusion proved me wrong, I guess you need to expand your idea.

- I found one spelling mistake but hopefully it's just a typo, otherwise turn on your spell check all the time

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Research Papers / "Pain or Glory" - 3 areas of improvement in my research paper [2]

Misyoungblood, I brush through your essay, quite long but good enough for a research paper.
I'm not sure how your institution does it but in general, a research paper has segments.
Segments that will cut your process on creating the study and will keep you on track of your thoughts and ideas.

Now, as lengthy as it may be, your research paper is written well. It definitely elaborated the idea and the message that you want
to send across.

- proof reading a research paper and any other article that you may write in the future is a must

- sentence construction is good, this allowed the paper to flow smoothly

- citation was done and portrayed very well, this should not be taken for granted as you are quoting the people who had an enormous effect to the study

- punctuation marks, colon (:) versus semi colon (;), when exhibiting a point, use the semi colon instead of the colon as this will mean that you are citing a point and not following an example

Overall, your research paper is well written.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / 'Unwanted pregnancy' - essay about abortion. [3]

- ThatThis basically means that you can not (cannot - is 1 word) tell a woman what she can and can't do with her reproductive body.

- The other side to this debate often says that you are killing the baby otor fetus,...

- It should be the women's right to decide whether or not she wants to put herself through the mental and physical thingsattributes that gocomes along with pregnancy and motherhood.

- The woman should be able to decide the best path for them and their babies.

CountMaxMore, your essay is written well, as you can see there are only minor corrections that I made.
I agree with your point that indeed women should have the power to decide what's best for them.
In the beginning, the decision of bearing a child should be a mutual decision, a lifelong commitment and responsibility shared by couple.
Child bearing and rearing should not be a burden, not a challenge but a commitment of love and life to the unborn being.

Now, going back to your essay, when writing, mind the following;

- word usage, make sure that you understand the connection of the words in your sentences as this will keep your readers read on

- your sentence construction is good and it created a smooth flow through out the essay

- proof read all the time, it really helps

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / TECHNOLOGICAL TOOLS - sophisticated technology in order to prevent crimes among societies [2]

- In the mean time,(It is very unlikely that you start your essay with "In the meantime", due to the fact that you were not really talking about anything else before that.) Scientist have developed sophisticated technology in order to prevent crimes among societies.

- For this reason, body scanners and Close Circuit Television (CCTV) have been created by them .

- Instead it affects to the quality of work due to inconvenience.

- Thus, it can make sure that there is no dangerous tools that comes out or come in of the airport .

- On the other hand, technology sometimes give dire consequences when they work, because the entire activities are monitored by camera.

- When they talk a secret message to one another.

- It is captured by CCTV, therefore their quality of work is not at maximum.

- In conclusion, it is evident that sophisticated technology such as CCTV and body scanner give positive development in order to identifyingidentify the crime...

- Where possible, people should put the machine in the right place where it is not disturb by human activity.

Asep, I made a few corrections on your essay.
Also mind the following;

- the use of linking verbs, as the verbs imply this are use in order for your sentences to make more sense

- your sentence construction is smooth

- proof read all the time

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Scholarship / Calling all the SCHOLARSHIP HUNTERS! Applying for Graphic Design Department [3]

I. Please explain your expectations from studying in turkiye and express your future plans :

- By thatWith this condition, turkiye has a lot to offer.

- Different skills, the way of thinking, different culture that is not only richthis will not only enrich my knowladgeknowledge but also enrich my experience for the next stepsto prepare me for the next big step .

- By studyStudying in turkiye, imI'm expecting it will definitely change my minds and perspective.

- After iWhen Ifinishedfinish my study in turkiye with a degree in graphic design,

- I will have the best skills to enter a wide varietyexploreof careers in the field including branding, publishing, image-making and editorial design.

- And consistConsistent to my dream, to build my own studio where i can gather all indonesian creative youth and patch all their aspirations.

- So we will be self-prepared to compatecompete globally.

- We will show to the world that indonesiaIndonesian graphic designer could be aligned with world class graphic designer.

- Not only a follower, with the inovative thingsinnovative ideas we make, we are going to be a trendsetter for the next era.

Rose, I made a few corrections on the first part of your scholarship application. I have to take a break.
However, please mind the following;

- when writing, "I" should always be capitalIze

- punctuation marks, though you need to use in order to break your sentences, there are other punctuation marks such as comma (,), that you can use to break your sentences and not just a period (.)

- spell check and proof read, this is always a great practice

- when referring to a nation or a country as a subject, you need to capitalize the first letter of the name of the country, e.g., Russia, Turkey, Asia..etc..

I'll get back to you as soon as possible, now try to work on proof reading your essay one more time and following how I made the corrections, try to make the corrections on the next paragraph.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Chinese New Year- describe one of the special custom of your country [4]

- ...which is rather fun and, most important of all, the meaning of itmeaningful .

- ...the family reunion dinner, there meals servingthat are served at that night must have some good meanings into them, most of them have the similar sound with fortunate wordsmeaning .

- ...sincerely say something to wish their beloved elder healthygood health , wealthywealth , long -livedlife and happiness..

- After ana joyful night, while adults go to bed and have some sleep, their children keepsstays awake very late,

- sometimes even the whole night, why wasis that?

- It is said that on this day, children stays up at night is a way to keep their lovinglove ones long-livedlife , which is quite becomes a perfect excuse for kids to not to sleep and have fun with their siblings all night long.

Seth, I must say, I share your love for the Chinese New Year celebration. It's one of those festivities that I enjoy a lot. The sights and sounds, the dragon dance, the sticky treats, the lucky charms, all of this is just amazing. Indeed, this celebration should be shared to everyone and be witnessed by everyone. It's not only a festival, it's a tradition, a tradition that should be passed on to generation.

Now, going back to your essay, it's written well. I just hope that you can write more, elaborate your ideas and go far with your writing. The Chinese New Year is a celebration worth writing about.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Graduate / What are you made for and how will an AGSM degree help you achieve it? [3]

- To attain my goals, I need to understand various aspects of a business management, including finance, strategy and marketing, and develop skills, such as organizationorganizational skill, analytical, listening and networking skills,...

- Besides the 'Quantitative Business ModellingModeling for Managers' can teach me how to make...

Vince, your essay is good. However, your essay is only talking about yourself, your aspirations, goals and everything about you. Now, how about injecting facts about the industry you are in, the facts and figures that can help in attaining your goals.

Also, I would suggest that you give facts about the institution, the strength and advantages once you receive that degree.
As the question asks, how will you associate your strength in achieving your goals.

Nevertheless, your essay is good and I made a couple of corrections as you can see above, I hope it helps.

- proof read

- spell check

This are two things that are very essential when writing.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / IELTS WT 2 - A university degree gain higher chance to get a well-paid job than school graduates [2]

- FirstlyFirst , studying in university enables the students to master particular subjects that would be used to work in future career paths.

- SecondlySecond , many multinational companies conduct campus hiring programs in some universities where students are given the chance to join recruitment test in their campus without visiting the companies' ( omit the apostrophe on "companies", the word can stand alone without the punctuation mark) offices.

- For example, a specific public accounting firm hold a campus hiring in a certain university in Jakarta where graduatedgraduate accounting students...

- It is evident that only graduatedgraduate university students have the chance to get well-paid jobs in such a competition.

- They do not have the ability of certain subjects and skills that are needed for such jobs because they were learning a wide range of subjects in the school without any specification.

- A research showed that mostly in somein most developing countries students directly went to work after school but most of the time they work as low-paid workers such as waitress in a restaurant, cashier in a shop, or factory workers.

Hetty, I made a few corrections on your essay as you can see above.
I would also like to add the following;

- to note your first opinion, "First" is more than enough

- your word choice is very good and well compensated the message you wanted to send across

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Higher Education for Work and Perspectives - IELTS [2]

- It is based on the ultimate reason that a degree can open the doordoors to better employment prospects.

- A 2010 revealed that university graduates earn approximately 60% higher salaries than high school diplomas in AsiaAsian region.

- Another perspective is that it is better to start work after school and gain experience in the world ofat work since there are plenty of opportunities in customer service sectors such as restaurants.

- Hence, high school graduates can be employed in such industry.

- Finally, I am convince that people should have a clear goals in regard to their career before deciding on a pursuing a higher education at university.

Trias, your essay is good. I agree that earning a degree will definitely secure your spot in a much better position at work. On the other hand, I also believe, base on experience, that when entering the university, whenever you are able to and can work legally, one should allow themselves to get involve with minor jobs, like summer break gigs and internships, this way they get exposure and this can hone their talents and can actually help them to determine what they really want to take when it comes to major and specific studies in the university.

Now, going back to your essay;

- proof read as always

- mind your linking verbs, review exactly when you need it and how will it affect your sentence

- sentence construction and essay flow is good

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Do the benefits of workplace mobility are bigger than the demerits of those possibilities? [2]

- For instance, people seem to do their works at home because they think that it is more efficient when they finish their works outside their workplace than doing it atin the office.

- As a consequence, this way can causecauses people to overwork in their activities and it will make bad behavior for people because they tend to hinge on information technology.

- Despite those drawbacks, information technology has many benefits for people's lives especially within people work.

- FirstlyFirst , the internet connection has been known ofto all people because nowadays people have opportunity to do their works except in their offices.

- Rephrasing; Furthermore, people gain knowledge from information technology that recently they provide.

Furthermore, people gain a lot thru information technology, they recently provide the answers to questions that we may never find without the help of the new technology.

Daniel, I must say this essay is short but very well written. You practically noted all the benefits of having information technology work it's magic in our daily work activities. A lot of people cannot imagine life without having internet anymore or facebook or any social media apps.

I somehow paraphrased your sentence as you can see above, I hope that helps. You have to also take note that when proof reading your essay, it's like putting yourself in your readers feet, that's exactly what I did and I guess it's help you as a writer to know were you can enhance your essay.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Seeking perfect work for one or different communities [2]

- Working is a vital aspect to support peoplepeoples needs.

- As such, some people prepare to do jobs with their own colleagues in the same organization in lifetime so that they can know with each other characters.

- Having said that, for others, thisit is greater to work inwith different people from many organizations since they can develop new relationship to plenty of people.

- Meanwhile, as far as I am concerned, people can feel enjoyablejoy working, is the main reason...

- Broadly speaking, workers tend to think that having the same friends in workingat work is going to obtain more enjoyable.

- To illustrate, when you work in one company only in long run, you can be easy to ask helpinghelp from others for your problem suddenly.in case of emergencies.

- Not only this, you also have no doubt to communicate with your partners ofat work because you know them well.

Iqbal, I have made a few corrections as you can see above. I agree with you though that changing workplace from time to time is quite exhausting. It's another process of making friends, knowing people and creating a blanket of security. Honestly, if I were to choose on changing careers, I still would however I would make a mark first like spend a few years, build a career and make sure that it's a career were I can get a good recommendation in the end.

Well, as usual make sure that you proof read and you check your spelling. On this essay good job at making your point and keep writing.

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Wealthier modern artist than others lead government to solve the gap of both [3]

- On theAs a whole, the majority of individuals who have career in the art industry are likely easily to charge the amount of money from whatever they produce.

- However, this is completely different from others who sufferhave to pain to earn.

- As such, government is suggested to carry out measurement to overcome this case as what thetheir main function ofthem is makes balanced welfare for all of people.

- A significant study revealed that the principal reason why the most artists could reach in gigantic financial matter is since they have hard work and spend much hour at their work.

- Take Leonardo da vinci, pointedpainted legendary masterpiece portrait "Monalisa" as an example,...

Iqbal, the essay is good. I have made a few corrections, just mind the following;

- proof read as always

- spell checking will also not hurt

- sentence construction is very good

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / People are not satisfied with their lives any more - #TOEFL my reasoning logic and language usage? [3]

- When people are doing their burdensomecomplicated jobs, they also suffer from financial pressure.

- This makeresults to sleep deprivation, depression and other healthyhealth problems quite common in our society.

- The retiredretirees are also the victims of the broadening generation gap.

- This is all triggertriggered by the changes that the world has taken placed.

Yihuan, I made a few corrections on your essay. Overall, your essay is great. You definitely made your point and your message is clear.

Just mind the following;

- proof reading is always good

- choice of words, big words doesn't necessarily mean good in an essay if they don't mean what you want message you want to send

- choosing words will also keep your readers on reading through your essay.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!