Writing Feedback / Maintaining body health and saving the world as a whole with eating no meat or fish [2]

- More and more people now neglect to consume meat or fish. They argue that this benefits for either their own health or the world as a whole. As far as I am concerned, it is believed that this will encourage plenty of people to have healthy diet as they frequently consume food far fewer calories and less fat. Again, what individuals do this is a shape of responsibilities in saving the world from danger global warming affected greenhouses gases produced the amount of meat production.

Iqbal, after reading this first paragraph, I went blank, I guess there's just too much ideas, thoughts and facts jammed up in this paragraph that makes no sense, I suggest rephrasing it. In attempt to rephrase it, kindly find below;

More and more people are neglecting meat and fish as part of their diet. They are more careful and they believe that what they put in their plate can somehow affect the world as a whole. People are encouraged to have a healthy diet, consume just enough food, fewer calories and less fat. The fact that people are taking a step in living healthier is a proof that people share the responsibility of saving the world from the dangers of global warming.

Now, from the paragraph above, I'm hoping you can rephrase the other paragraphs and take it from here.

Don't forget to proof read too.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / IELTS: PEOPLE OBEY TO INTAKE VARIOUS GRASS-FED ANIMALS IN ORDER TO OFFER BENEFIT TO ENVIRONMENT [3]

- For example, in 2014, there will bewas ( the action has been done in the past, past tense of the verb should be use) an estimated 1,665,540 cancer suffers in US as such consuming red meat.

- They consume a considerable amount of meat in which they are having lunch or dinner frequentlyfor lunch or dinner .

- Thus, people getinvolved inbecomes obese and they have to deal with obesity their entire life .

- By obeying these kinds of diet, people intend to be healththink they are healthy .

- Neglecting to eat the right amount of meat renders positive development for the earth as animal's faecesfeces produce carbon emission.

- To exemplify, studies from the national trust of United Kingdom determined....

- Consequently, it would benefit through the environment.

- I am of notion that Consuming red meat creates beneficial effect forto human particularly the teenagers..

- As a result, they possess great deal of energy needed forto fulfilling their day-to-day activities.

- The aforementioned evidence shows that although obeying the amount of varied diet of livestock renders positive development for inhabitants and the environment,

- consuming meat has tremendous usefulcontributionforto human life particularly for the teenagers.

- Where possible, people are suggested to do notnot to avoid meat.

Asep, I made a few corrections as you can see above, I hope it helps
Once you this essay re - written, proof read it and you should be good to go.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Undergraduate / TASK 2: Children are supposed to start their schools at the age of four [2]

- Education is the first aspect to create human's quality. This sentence puzzled me a bit, what do you want imply, "create human equality" or create quality life for human.

- For this reason, many countries implement a rule in which children are supposedsuppose ( the action is in the present form so use the present tense of the verb) to start their schools at the age of four.

- Children are easy to imitate what they notice from people's behavior.

- This is because their cognitive and motoricmotor skills have developed perfectly in order that theyfor them tocan gain much information to be processed.

- Consequently, children present the best performance in the class for understandingand understand what they learn.

- It is undeniable that they have already to achieve some knowledge of schoolfrom school thanks to the improvement of their physical abilities and brain capacities.

- Therefore, it is imperative that education stakeholders in several countries should take into consideration, for the ages of schoolchildren before they meet formal education.

Adhisti, welcome back, I haven't read any of your essays for a long time.
Now, I made a few corrections as you can see above. I also want to remind you of the following;

- proof read

- you have a couple of spelling mistakes, so turn on spell checker all the time

- I also made a few grammar corrections

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Undergraduate / English is a key to open the door to the outside world - essay with reasons why learn this language. [4]

Enn, as I check your essay, I already observe that your title needs a little bit of work;

- Why do you have to learn English?

- NowadayNowadays , cultural and economic exchanges between countries causes us have to learntlearn some foreinforeign language such as the most vital one, English.

- First and foremost, many foreign companies withthat offers high salary and also give us a better chance to improve ourselfourselves require a high-level English.

- Thus, we need to master it to be able to apply and get a good job.applied for a nice job .

- MoroverMoreover , not only in foreign companies,

- work in domestic companies with a skillful-English capabilities also enable us to promote in ourworkget promotion and advance easily.

- Furthermore, many goods onin the market we know come from thatthese countries, so we need English to read its details information.

- Not to mention, almost today's youth's entertainments is based onin English include ofincluding musics, films, PC games,...

- In summaryOverall , we need to learn English day by day to master it in future.

Now, Enn, I have a few tips that might help you in your future writing;

- mind your linking verbs, in, on, they really affect the idea that you want to bring in your sentence

- grammar as well, a few grammar mistakes, one that I normally do, I proof read my sentences and one's a sentence doesn't sound right, that means there's something wrong and you have to enhance it.

- I also notice a few spelling mistakes, turning on your spell check in the computer will definitely make a difference.

- remember to proof read it

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Distance between family members is extremely increasing nowadays. [3]

Marned, first of all, good job in coming up with an essay. However, I notice that your title itself needs work already. Please find it below;

- The extendextended family is less important now than it was in the past. Do you agree or disagree!

- There are many compelling reasons that I mentionedwill mention in following.

- Mostly, the oldest person was responsible of making decision and others had to obey and respect to his idea.

- Although,This leaves other individuals of the family felt that they are less valuable especially women.

- Second of allNext , cities are developed and then distance of family members is increased.

- Consequently, we cannot be in touch with each other closely.

- Technology is a great help and we have a widespreadwith different means forof communicationwe are able to communicate well .

- Mostly, we are contacting each other by phone, email and social networks. We usually visit each other once in a year.

- Because, there is nonot enough time and financial resources isare limited.

- Accordingly, there are many striking contrast between todaytoday's living style and what was in the past.

- As the aforementioned examples show, the extended families is less important in compare with what they wascompared with how they are in the past.

Okay, now that I have made corrections, I have a few more points that, hopefully, will help you in future writing;

- starting your sentence with "because", is not a common way to start a sentence

- rather than starting a sentence with "because", cut your sentence using punctuation marks such as comma (,) in order to stress the following idea and to avoid starting a sentence with "because".

- mind your linking verbs as this will affect your sentence to a certain degree

- proof read

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Undergraduate / What can the study of animals tell us about ourselves and the world we live in? Improvements seeking [2]

- For instance, model animals such as squid and fruit flies have helped scientists understand human( we omit "human" as our examples are squid and flies, they are obviously not humans) genetics and nerves...

- This also meant that the cells in the mouth had the genetic informationcomposition needed to produce a full leg.

Waz, I read through your essay and worked a little bit. I have very minor grammar corrections,I'm not sure though if you meant "genetic composition" or "genetic information", so you get to decide, ok.

Now, going back to your essay, overall, your essay is good, it's written well.

Before you submit it, mind the following;

- proof read

- good job on your citation

- mind your sentence construction as you seem to jump back and forth on your ideas

- your paragraphs have a good flow however, the logical order needs to be worked on

Furthermore, I suggest that you write more, practice and read a lot, this enhances your vocabulary and will help you with your writing.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / The universities should keep the doors open to all and students need to get equal chance in studying [2]

- ...could be considered as an evidentevidencefor theof freedom violation in the progressive countries.

- Even if we accept the claims on priority of one sexgender on another in studying specific university subjects,

- still this is the person who should choose his way while I believe that this is not merely him whofor his benefits from equal chances.

- In the light of taking into account the other half of the society's talents, enormous number of novel ideas, inventions and developments would come into appearanceto surface , which would have been dwindled under the shadow of dogmatism.

Far, I have made a few corrections. I guess what I can add to your essay is that, gender equality has always been a topic that people will never win.

It's an idea that will always be accounted for, may it be a talk in the office, a speech or even a sit down with friends.

Gender equality is one action that should be taken seriously and if we make it happen, I would like to say that the world will be a better place but there's a lot more than gender equality but at least it will help ease the current world situation.

Now, going back to your essay. I think it's good, however, proof read your essay all the time so you can further your essay.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Some people think that it is good to keep pets at home [2]

- FirstlyFirst , pets need a big space to play.

- SecondlySecond , it is too expensive to keep them.

Makrine, as you can see above, there's very few and minor corrections that I made, simply because your essay is written well.
However, your essay is quiet short, I suggest adding a few more paragraphs to it and elaborate your points further.

I, myself is an advocate of animal welfare. I always strive to promote and educate people about taking good care of animals.
Animals in general are very delicate, sensitive and they are our help in times when we cannot trust the people around us anymore.
Taking care of animals is indeed very tricky, not only because they require undivided attention and a little bit of expenditure, also because they need constant training and we need to nurture there capabilities of helping people and even further, save lives.

==============================

You can add a few points from the one I've written. I hope it helps.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Task 1. Global sales of top mobile phones [2]

- The bar chart below shows global sales of the top of five mobile phone brands between 2009 and 2013.

- It is clear that the Nokia is the by the most successful sold by brand sold in the years.

- It is also noticeable that the figures for Nokia and Samsung mobile phones sold by anyin these particular years tend to be fairly similar.

- After that LG was followed by ZTE are onlyand other global mobile with a noticeable the lowestlow proportion of phone about 110% between 2009 and 2013.

Bob, I made a few grammar corrections on your analysis.
Mind your sentence construction as it really affects the thought of the whole paragraph.
There's one habit I have and I think it will work, I proof read my writing and when they sound flat, that means
there's something wrong and you have to enhance it.

Overall, It's a good analysis and you scored all the points that needs to be taken cared of.

Write more and read a lot, this helps enhance your vocabulary.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Is it better for students to work on their assignments together or alone? [4]

- The projects that students work on at school are very important because ,working on projects are very important in our new modern lives,it enhances the skills of our students and successful projects can help solvingsolve a lot of problems.

- The main reason is that, when students work on projects together, they learn how should they should work with each other and they will get better results.

- When you work with other students you can share your ideas and select the best ideas that can improve the quality of the project.

- The result was we amazing and we received the reward of the best magazine among all schools.

- So as I mentioned, team works make young children forface bigger responsibilities in the future.

- To conclude there is no doubt that working on school projects as a team at schools help students get...

- So I completely agree with working on projects as a team and I think that schools should...

Nelly, your essay is written well, besides the fact that you started rough, overall the essay is good.

However, I have a few points that may help in your future writing;

- grammar, make sure where to situate your subject

- smooth flow of sentences, good job on that

- proof read all the time so you can avoid what happened in the beginning of the essay, I think it was just typo error

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / The role of universities in providing students with the proper education and consequently a good job [2]

- As a matter of fact, All university study programs has a curriculum which is restricted bywith a schedule withof specific activities.

- If the the universities add to theira program a time to teach job skills,...

- The not-well-qualified medical practiotionerpractitioner will need more time to be as theirat par with their colleagues and to get good job opportunities.

- In the current time,Currently, scientific fields are rapidly converging and are very dependent onto each other.

- so Hence it's not a wise step to prepare a student with the skills required for a certain profession ignoring the others.

- therefore, I totally disagree to engagein engaging universities in the process of training graduates with job skills.

- AtIn the end, I ask graduate students to focus on their studies and to puttputoffout the job training for now.

Roma, as you can see, the corrections I made this time is only a few, this means you're getting better with your writing.

However, I have a few reminders for you;

- punctuation marks, I observed that you use hyphen (-) a lot in your writing, not a problem, you just have to know where to put them and the reason why you have to put them

- I'm not sure if this is just a draft, but when you do the one to be submitted, make sure that you capitalize the first letter of the first word at the beginning of your sentence

- I also have a couple of misspelled words, so make sure you turn on your spell checker

- proof read all the time

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / How much time for themselves will have people in the future? Will they be busier than we are today? [3]

- Some people believe that peoplethey ( we omit the "people" as you have used it already, avoid redundancy ) will become busier and have no time to for leisure activities than now, others believe otherwise.

- It is therefore timely to consider the validity of this perspective.

- To begin with , the advent of new technology...

- ...he had to write a lot of documentariesdocuments by hand and report them to his supervisor in person.

- However, now the internet made it possible for him to finish his tasks within a short period of time;

- he could write documentariesdocuments on the computer and send them to their his supervisor via e-mail.

- For example, my friend wasis a lawyer.

- Eventually, he got another job with an extended vacation making him be able to enjoy leisure activities.

- As a result, he became more energetic and satisfied about his lifestyle everthan beforemore than ever .

- As mentioned, I think that people will have more time to enjoy their hobbies because they will be able to finish their work within a short period of time and will become more interested in their leisure activities.People who enjoys leisure time are more productive and are more likely to spend tenure in the company than people who don't. Balance of work, leisure time, healthy lifestyle and social responsibility makes the future a welfare for greater good.

Jyh2013, I made a few corrections on your essay. I hope it helps.

- mind your linking verbs

- your choice of words is good and the sentence structure is smooth

- proof read this before giving it a go

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Measuring quality of a nation. What is the best determinant of a wise, respectable society? [3]

- ...a definition of a great nation cannot be just the welfare of the people, but also how the nation is interact with the globe.

- Even if the citizens of the conquering nation livinglive a good life, the unfair act toward colonies cannot be justified and should be condemned.

- If one nation similay( "similay", it's a word but I'm not sure what you want to imply) tries to conquer other nations for the welfare of themselves,... other nations will criticize and try to suppress such attempts.

- It is because now we, as a global society, has a consensus that one should not intrude otherothers just for the benefit of their own.

- The North Korea's claim was revealed to be a lie, and it was revealed that they confined disablespeople with disabilities in a separate facilities or sometimes killed.

- In conclusion, it is very hard to define what is the surestperfect indicator.

Harin, I made a few corrections as you can see above. I hope it help.

Also, mind the following;

- use of linking verbs such as is, are, etc.

- proof read

- word use, big words does not always mean that it's the right word than you need to use to complete your sentence, I would rather use the most common words so that the readers will understand the message of the essay.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Pretty, attractive girl with great voice - we spend a lot of time together. Best friend paragraph. [6]

- DuringIn my 12 years at school, I have had many friends.

- We acquainted with each other when we began studying at primary school.

- She is a pretty girl, that attracted me in the first seeat first sight .

- She is a person who always go to school with me day by dayeveryday , go shopping inon our free time, watch ghost film at night,ectetc. .

- Those is myare the happy time in my life.

- Moreover, she has especialyspecially a good voice so that whenever I'm in a bad mood she'll sing songs that I love toand it appease me.

- Besides, she also gives me many advicesadvice when i'mI'm in trouble, stand by me when I have difficultysdifficulties .

- She saystells me what is right, what is wrong, what should I do and I dont, ectdon't, etc. .

- Little by little, I realize that She is aan important person in my life.

- I just sayswant to to tell herto her that:, Ryan, you're the greatest friend I hashave in my life.

Linhdemon, your essay needs quiet a lot of work but good job on stepping up and writing on your own, some people can't even start to write a paragraph on their own. I made some correction as you can see above, also, mind the the following;

- the use of have, had, has, know exactly when to use this verbs as they affect your writing

- I notice a couple of spelling mistake, so turn on your spell check whenever you're writing

- linking verbs as well should be taken into consideration such as is, are, to, etc, in order for your sentences to be complete

- grammar is not so bad and I know this is your first, so keep writing,practice more

- proof read your essay and read english books and dictionaries, they help a lot in enhancing your vocabulary

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Public transportation makes that less exhausts are ejected from motorbikes and cars into the air [2]

- The first benefit of it is the reduction in theof air pollution.

- The reason for that is the exhaust ejected from motorbikes and cars will be lessened .

- SecondlySecond , one of the positive effects of using public transports is diminishing the traffic accidents.

- For instance, using bus to go to work is safer than travellingtraveling by motorbikes and cars.

- By going to work by underground, you can save money for some plans such as: going on picnic, going shopping,etc.... .

- In conclusion, there are many helpful influences onin our life if we use public transportations

Tang, I made a few corrections on your paragraph.

- proof read all the time

- the use punctuation mark, when giving out examples and you have to end it, you can use "etc." but not the consecutive periods (...)

- this paragraph is quite short and all the while I was thinking it's just an intro but writing a conclusion proved me wrong, I guess you need to expand your idea.

- I found one spelling mistake but hopefully it's just a typo, otherwise turn on your spell check all the time

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Research Papers / "Pain or Glory" - 3 areas of improvement in my research paper [2]

Misyoungblood, I brush through your essay, quite long but good enough for a research paper.
I'm not sure how your institution does it but in general, a research paper has segments.
Segments that will cut your process on creating the study and will keep you on track of your thoughts and ideas.

Now, as lengthy as it may be, your research paper is written well. It definitely elaborated the idea and the message that you want
to send across.

- proof reading a research paper and any other article that you may write in the future is a must

- sentence construction is good, this allowed the paper to flow smoothly

- citation was done and portrayed very well, this should not be taken for granted as you are quoting the people who had an enormous effect to the study

- punctuation marks, colon (:) versus semi colon (;), when exhibiting a point, use the semi colon instead of the colon as this will mean that you are citing a point and not following an example

Overall, your research paper is well written.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / 'Unwanted pregnancy' - essay about abortion. [3]

- ThatThis basically means that you can not (cannot - is 1 word) tell a woman what she can and can't do with her reproductive body.

- The other side to this debate often says that you are killing the baby otor fetus,...

- It should be the women's right to decide whether or not she wants to put herself through the mental and physical thingsattributes that gocomes along with pregnancy and motherhood.

- The woman should be able to decide the best path for them and their babies.

CountMaxMore, your essay is written well, as you can see there are only minor corrections that I made.
I agree with your point that indeed women should have the power to decide what's best for them.
In the beginning, the decision of bearing a child should be a mutual decision, a lifelong commitment and responsibility shared by couple.
Child bearing and rearing should not be a burden, not a challenge but a commitment of love and life to the unborn being.

Now, going back to your essay, when writing, mind the following;

- word usage, make sure that you understand the connection of the words in your sentences as this will keep your readers read on

- your sentence construction is good and it created a smooth flow through out the essay

- proof read all the time, it really helps

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / TECHNOLOGICAL TOOLS - sophisticated technology in order to prevent crimes among societies [2]

- In the mean time,(It is very unlikely that you start your essay with "In the meantime", due to the fact that you were not really talking about anything else before that.) Scientist have developed sophisticated technology in order to prevent crimes among societies.

- For this reason, body scanners and Close Circuit Television (CCTV) have been created by them .

- Instead it affects to the quality of work due to inconvenience.

- Thus, it can make sure that there is no dangerous tools that comes out or come in of the airport .

- On the other hand, technology sometimes give dire consequences when they work, because the entire activities are monitored by camera.

- When they talk a secret message to one another.

- It is captured by CCTV, therefore their quality of work is not at maximum.

- In conclusion, it is evident that sophisticated technology such as CCTV and body scanner give positive development in order to identifyingidentify the crime...

- Where possible, people should put the machine in the right place where it is not disturb by human activity.

Asep, I made a few corrections on your essay.
Also mind the following;

- the use of linking verbs, as the verbs imply this are use in order for your sentences to make more sense

- your sentence construction is smooth

- proof read all the time

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Scholarship / Calling all the SCHOLARSHIP HUNTERS! Applying for Graphic Design Department [3]

I. Please explain your expectations from studying in turkiye and express your future plans :

- By thatWith this condition, turkiye has a lot to offer.

- Different skills, the way of thinking, different culture that is not only richthis will not only enrich my knowladgeknowledge but also enrich my experience for the next stepsto prepare me for the next big step .

- By studyStudying in turkiye, imI'm expecting it will definitely change my minds and perspective.

- After iWhen Ifinishedfinish my study in turkiye with a degree in graphic design,

- I will have the best skills to enter a wide varietyexploreof careers in the field including branding, publishing, image-making and editorial design.

- And consistConsistent to my dream, to build my own studio where i can gather all indonesian creative youth and patch all their aspirations.

- So we will be self-prepared to compatecompete globally.

- We will show to the world that indonesiaIndonesian graphic designer could be aligned with world class graphic designer.

- Not only a follower, with the inovative thingsinnovative ideas we make, we are going to be a trendsetter for the next era.

Rose, I made a few corrections on the first part of your scholarship application. I have to take a break.
However, please mind the following;

- when writing, "I" should always be capitalIze

- punctuation marks, though you need to use in order to break your sentences, there are other punctuation marks such as comma (,), that you can use to break your sentences and not just a period (.)

- spell check and proof read, this is always a great practice

- when referring to a nation or a country as a subject, you need to capitalize the first letter of the name of the country, e.g., Russia, Turkey, Asia..etc..

I'll get back to you as soon as possible, now try to work on proof reading your essay one more time and following how I made the corrections, try to make the corrections on the next paragraph.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Chinese New Year- describe one of the special custom of your country [4]

- ...which is rather fun and, most important of all, the meaning of itmeaningful .

- ...the family reunion dinner, there meals servingthat are served at that night must have some good meanings into them, most of them have the similar sound with fortunate wordsmeaning .

- ...sincerely say something to wish their beloved elder healthygood health , wealthywealth , long -livedlife and happiness..

- After ana joyful night, while adults go to bed and have some sleep, their children keepsstays awake very late,

- sometimes even the whole night, why wasis that?

- It is said that on this day, children stays up at night is a way to keep their lovinglove ones long-livedlife , which is quite becomes a perfect excuse for kids to not to sleep and have fun with their siblings all night long.

Seth, I must say, I share your love for the Chinese New Year celebration. It's one of those festivities that I enjoy a lot. The sights and sounds, the dragon dance, the sticky treats, the lucky charms, all of this is just amazing. Indeed, this celebration should be shared to everyone and be witnessed by everyone. It's not only a festival, it's a tradition, a tradition that should be passed on to generation.

Now, going back to your essay, it's written well. I just hope that you can write more, elaborate your ideas and go far with your writing. The Chinese New Year is a celebration worth writing about.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Graduate / What are you made for and how will an AGSM degree help you achieve it? [3]

- To attain my goals, I need to understand various aspects of a business management, including finance, strategy and marketing, and develop skills, such as organizationorganizational skill, analytical, listening and networking skills,...

- Besides the 'Quantitative Business ModellingModeling for Managers' can teach me how to make...

Vince, your essay is good. However, your essay is only talking about yourself, your aspirations, goals and everything about you. Now, how about injecting facts about the industry you are in, the facts and figures that can help in attaining your goals.

Also, I would suggest that you give facts about the institution, the strength and advantages once you receive that degree.
As the question asks, how will you associate your strength in achieving your goals.

Nevertheless, your essay is good and I made a couple of corrections as you can see above, I hope it helps.

- proof read

- spell check

This are two things that are very essential when writing.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / IELTS WT 2 - A university degree gain higher chance to get a well-paid job than school graduates [2]

- FirstlyFirst , studying in university enables the students to master particular subjects that would be used to work in future career paths.

- SecondlySecond , many multinational companies conduct campus hiring programs in some universities where students are given the chance to join recruitment test in their campus without visiting the companies' ( omit the apostrophe on "companies", the word can stand alone without the punctuation mark) offices.

- For example, a specific public accounting firm hold a campus hiring in a certain university in Jakarta where graduatedgraduate accounting students...

- It is evident that only graduatedgraduate university students have the chance to get well-paid jobs in such a competition.

- They do not have the ability of certain subjects and skills that are needed for such jobs because they were learning a wide range of subjects in the school without any specification.

- A research showed that mostly in somein most developing countries students directly went to work after school but most of the time they work as low-paid workers such as waitress in a restaurant, cashier in a shop, or factory workers.

Hetty, I made a few corrections on your essay as you can see above.
I would also like to add the following;

- to note your first opinion, "First" is more than enough

- your word choice is very good and well compensated the message you wanted to send across

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Higher Education for Work and Perspectives - IELTS [2]

- It is based on the ultimate reason that a degree can open the doordoors to better employment prospects.

- A 2010 revealed that university graduates earn approximately 60% higher salaries than high school diplomas in AsiaAsian region.

- Another perspective is that it is better to start work after school and gain experience in the world ofat work since there are plenty of opportunities in customer service sectors such as restaurants.

- Hence, high school graduates can be employed in such industry.

- Finally, I am convince that people should have a clear goals in regard to their career before deciding on a pursuing a higher education at university.

Trias, your essay is good. I agree that earning a degree will definitely secure your spot in a much better position at work. On the other hand, I also believe, base on experience, that when entering the university, whenever you are able to and can work legally, one should allow themselves to get involve with minor jobs, like summer break gigs and internships, this way they get exposure and this can hone their talents and can actually help them to determine what they really want to take when it comes to major and specific studies in the university.

Now, going back to your essay;

- proof read as always

- mind your linking verbs, review exactly when you need it and how will it affect your sentence

- sentence construction and essay flow is good

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Do the benefits of workplace mobility are bigger than the demerits of those possibilities? [2]

- For instance, people seem to do their works at home because they think that it is more efficient when they finish their works outside their workplace than doing it atin the office.

- As a consequence, this way can causecauses people to overwork in their activities and it will make bad behavior for people because they tend to hinge on information technology.

- Despite those drawbacks, information technology has many benefits for people's lives especially within people work.

- FirstlyFirst , the internet connection has been known ofto all people because nowadays people have opportunity to do their works except in their offices.

- Rephrasing; Furthermore, people gain knowledge from information technology that recently they provide.

Furthermore, people gain a lot thru information technology, they recently provide the answers to questions that we may never find without the help of the new technology.

Daniel, I must say this essay is short but very well written. You practically noted all the benefits of having information technology work it's magic in our daily work activities. A lot of people cannot imagine life without having internet anymore or facebook or any social media apps.

I somehow paraphrased your sentence as you can see above, I hope that helps. You have to also take note that when proof reading your essay, it's like putting yourself in your readers feet, that's exactly what I did and I guess it's help you as a writer to know were you can enhance your essay.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Seeking perfect work for one or different communities [2]

- Working is a vital aspect to support peoplepeoples needs.

- As such, some people prepare to do jobs with their own colleagues in the same organization in lifetime so that they can know with each other characters.

- Having said that, for others, thisit is greater to work inwith different people from many organizations since they can develop new relationship to plenty of people.

- Meanwhile, as far as I am concerned, people can feel enjoyablejoy working, is the main reason...

- Broadly speaking, workers tend to think that having the same friends in workingat work is going to obtain more enjoyable.

- To illustrate, when you work in one company only in long run, you can be easy to ask helpinghelp from others for your problem suddenly.in case of emergencies.

- Not only this, you also have no doubt to communicate with your partners ofat work because you know them well.

Iqbal, I have made a few corrections as you can see above. I agree with you though that changing workplace from time to time is quite exhausting. It's another process of making friends, knowing people and creating a blanket of security. Honestly, if I were to choose on changing careers, I still would however I would make a mark first like spend a few years, build a career and make sure that it's a career were I can get a good recommendation in the end.

Well, as usual make sure that you proof read and you check your spelling. On this essay good job at making your point and keep writing.

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Wealthier modern artist than others lead government to solve the gap of both [3]

- On theAs a whole, the majority of individuals who have career in the art industry are likely easily to charge the amount of money from whatever they produce.

- However, this is completely different from others who sufferhave to pain to earn.

- As such, government is suggested to carry out measurement to overcome this case as what thetheir main function ofthem is makes balanced welfare for all of people.

- A significant study revealed that the principal reason why the most artists could reach in gigantic financial matter is since they have hard work and spend much hour at their work.

- Take Leonardo da vinci, pointedpainted legendary masterpiece portrait "Monalisa" as an example,...

Iqbal, the essay is good. I have made a few corrections, just mind the following;

- proof read as always

- spell checking will also not hurt

- sentence construction is very good

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / People are not satisfied with their lives any more - #TOEFL my reasoning logic and language usage? [3]

- When people are doing their burdensomecomplicated jobs, they also suffer from financial pressure.

- This makeresults to sleep deprivation, depression and other healthyhealth problems quite common in our society.

- The retiredretirees are also the victims of the broadening generation gap.

- This is all triggertriggered by the changes that the world has taken placed.

Yihuan, I made a few corrections on your essay. Overall, your essay is great. You definitely made your point and your message is clear.

Just mind the following;

- proof reading is always good

- choice of words, big words doesn't necessarily mean good in an essay if they don't mean what you want message you want to send

- choosing words will also keep your readers on reading through your essay.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Reducing the walking distance. [4]

- According to health professional,strolling daiydaily is effective for maintaining the health.

- In this essay i will analyze the leadindleading causes of the as well as its solution.,

- People have lack of time in this busiestbusy world and therefore,they want to cover distance by using modes of transport modes in order to save their valuable time.

- Apart from this,due to sacrcescarce of land and space in most of the indevelopedunder developed and incipient countries do not have enough footpath for pedestrian.

- On the other hand,Government should take initiative to encourage the people for walking,Firstlyfirst ,they need to put the CCTV cameras or streets to reduce the crime.

- SecondlyThen ,they should provide pavements across the roads for walking,

- Lastly,they shoulshouldspentspend some part of the tax in order to build the gardens and parks,

- whereppeoplewhere people walk easily.

- However,here health and all medical checkup institution come forward and maskemake aware people about the benefits of walking.

- But for encouraging people to walk more authorities and health centre need to take some steps to make people aware about the benefits of this.

Jaggi, the corrections I made on your essay is mostly spelling mistake and this can be avoided if you turn on your spell check, so please do.

Also, proof read your essay as it will you check your mistakes and enhance your essay further.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Although we cannot emit automobiles from our world, they work destructive for our quality of life [4]

- I believe that exhaust gases, which come from the cars pipe system automobilescause ofcauses air pollution,

- which I suppose can be best illustrated by gases coming out of the cars that contain of a lot of dangerous gases such as carbon monoxide, nitrogen oxide, they were threatening humans and fauna (animals).

- Moreover, I think I makeI'm a bit lazy in my life by automobiles, as in the case of when I was goinggo shopping to close to my house, I do not walk on foot.

- I had the habit to go anywhere by automobile even near the place, so It is very bad for health and maybe I was suffering from heart disease in old age.

- Another point worth considering is the fact that one of the dangerous effect of cars, numerous accident which happenedhappens in every year,

- for instance researchesresearch show that yearly, in my country the number of deaths by automobile accidents are more than diseases, this deal is odd 70 percent.

Naph, I made a few corrections in your essay. I hope it helps.

Also, such tip that works for me, when you proof read your essay and it doesn't sound good, normally there is something wrong and you have to change it or figure it out.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Colour is a powerful tool that is used to great effect by manufacturers and retail companies. [2]

- It is believed that colour is an effective way to attract thea number of customers.

- Interestingly, for some people, colour totally influencesinfluence them to make a decision when they buy some products sincebecause it can increase confidence.

- This results that theto a number of young people is completely choosing products toand depend on colour.

- In consequence, There is no doubt that colour plays a substantial influence on customers' decision.

- As far as I am concerned, there is a closer relationship between colour and decision to buy products.

Qumar, your essay is great. I agree that colour affects our buying decisions, it's either of the 2 things, we will end up buying a very good quality product with such an enticing colour or we purchase a product which is not only in bad colour but also in bad quality. So, as buyers, we have to be very careful, after all, it's our money that needs to be well spent.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Percentage of British people giving money to a charity. [2]

- At first glance, it is evident that the biggest contribution to charity saware people aged 36-50 in 1990.

- However, in 2010, people aged 51-65 gain a massive increase.

- According to the bar chart, it is shows that the proportion of British people experienced a dramatic increase from the age 18-50,...

- The percentagespercentage of British people stood at around 16 percent (18-25), and then it increased dramatically at some 44 percent (36-50).

- Moving to a more detailed analysis from the bar chart, it is reveals that generally the percentage of British people giving charity experienced a slightlyslight incline in 2010.

Daniel, this analysis is as detailed as it can be, so good job!!
I have made a few very minor corrections, also please mind the following;

- "percent" is one word

- when referring to an ongoing action, use the present form of the verb

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Research Papers / The legislative actions on the oldest profession - Prostitution [3]

- It seems unlikely that the oldest profession in the world would also obtain the title ofas one of the most controversial.

- However, even in a century in which society has changed many traditional viewpoints, the legalisationlegislation of prostitution...

Nicole, there's not much correct in your introduction. I hope the corrections above helps.
However, mind the following points;

- spell check, turn on your spell check all the time

- proof read

As you go on with writing, mind the following;

- your linking verbs

- the proper use of has, have and had...

- tenses

- sentence construction is not an issue, you were able to construct your sentences very well

We look forward to the next part of the essay, post it here on EF so we can help out.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / How much do drivers spend on petrol? [2]

- The line graph provides information regarding the amount of petrol spent people spent in two different countries and it is measured in the percentage of income.

- Overall, what stands out from the graph shows that the poorest and middle-income in USA spent more income on petrol than those was in the UK.

- However, in the UK richest people useduse much more money for petrol instead of USA's richest individuals.

- In detail, in USA poorest personsperson spent far much income on petrol than those was in the same country who had other income and was in the UK.

- In contrastcontrary ( "contrast" is use to differentiate color and clarity not opinion) , the gap between middle-income of people in USA and UK allocating budgets for petrol saw narrowed considerably.

- A closer look at the data reveals that more richestrich people in UK took income to consume petrol than USA's.

Iqbal, your analysis is quite short and as much detailed as you want to call it, I think you could've elaborated and analyzed the data further.

I hope my corrections help.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Information technology changes the way how people work today [2]

- In most cases, this change leads plenty of individuals to finish their works in workplace from their home or while travellingtraveling .

- As such, I personally believe that advanced technology ensures some people to be more flexible and enjoyableenjoy working although being unhealthy lifestyle is a considerable challenge for lots of personspeople .

- Not only this, it is also a viable solution to teach students who prefer not toattendedattend at class of lecturers whilst students are able to report their research by email.

- As a result, because of technology personspeople now have many alternative ways to do any activity as well.

- For instance, many individuals now spend length of theirlengthy times just sitting in front of computer to browse the internet or using their smart phones from day to day.

- Consequently, some suffer the rare disease from their habits which are , poor exercise throughout the whole period of their life.

Iqbal, your essay on Information technology advancement is very good, well elaborated and constructed well.

It is indeed amazing how IT transformed over the past years, it has advantages that most of us didn't expect.
However, the disadvantages are far greater than we expected too. People are relying on technology more than themselves, this can sometimes result to low self esteem and even depression which triggers death.

Good job on your essay.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / In the past, when students did a university degree, they tended to study in their own country. [2]

- As such, people today seem to choose continuing their studies in abroad because of...

- However, in the past, this trend haswas not popular since they think that studying abroad is difficult.

- As far as I'm concerned, this trend also has drawbacks, but many beneficial effects tend to superiorsurface .

- On the oneother hand, several people in the past are likely to study in their own country because they think it is difficult to gain .

- For instance, people who choose to continue their studies, automatically they doare not afraid of all things that they will meetencounter in their universities like culture because they know the atmosphere in their universities.

- As a result, while they feel comfortable studying in their countries, they cannot explore more about themselves and their cultures since they just meet with people from their own country.

Daniel, I worked with a few sentences in this essay and you will find the corrections, I hope they will help.

In writing, make sure that the words you choose connotes with the idea and thoughts you want to impart to your readers.
This way, your readers will not only understand your essay but will also continue following your articles and that will give you good feedbacks.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / The increase of advance technology over the years is resonating around us, students. [4]

- The increase in the advancementof advanceof technology over the years is resultingresonating around us,

- as we can see, more and more people are sticking their hands with the latest Ipads, smartphones everywhere and anytime even children are doing so.

Love, I made a couple of corrections in your intro for this essay.

Honestly, your intro is quiet short, you can either add a couple more sentences r elaborate your thoughts and ideas on the subject.

Also, as you write the next few sets of your essay, mind the following;

- sentence construction, this will keep your readers to read through the entire essay

- word choice, make sure that the words you use in your essay is understandable in order to send your message across

- be objective

- mind your linking verbs, tenses and your subject should withstand the idea throughout the essay

- Proof read and spell check all the time

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Society should identify those children who have special talents and provide training for them; GRE [3]

- In sumIn conclusion , I agree that society should provide talented children who lacks support and resources with necessary, mild and enlightening training and such programs would nurture more prodigies to be socially acceptableindependent and usefulproductive individuals.

Dong, I worked on the last paragraph of the essay as the rest of it is written well. You made your point and I agree with you. Indeed, children who shows talents and exceptional skills should be nurtured and trained, this will hone them to be better in life and live comfortably.

I have a few points for you;

- proof read all the time

- good job in sentence construction, the flow of the essay is great

- I suggest not to abbreviate or cut your words such as " In sum ", just because your readers might not be able to understand, well most of them will do but it's for greater good.

Nevertheless, your essay is very motivating and very objective. Your ideas are clear and you did write them very well.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / The Curse Of a Tree (deforestation) [2]

Salawieh,

Your essay is written well, a little bit lengthy though, I'm not sure if you were aiming for the number of words or you want to elaborate your ideas further, otherwise it's two thumbs up from me.

Now, i have a few points you may consider when writing;

- make sure that your essay is somehow entertaining without loosing your message

- length of the essay, I'm not sure with other readers but to read thru an essay this long is good but somehow you lost the objective of the essay

- sentence construction was very good

- proof read

- paragraph line up was well constructed

- word choice is brilliant, it was like reading an essay and a poem altogether

- you were able to stay objective, good job on that.

And I agree with you, it is indeed a curse, the moment we cut trees and not plant new ones, this is a disaster waiting to happen.

I witness deforestation myself and it's an act of inviting calamity although a lot of people and organization are working very hard to avoid it.

Nevertheless, every single person can make changes in the community, in such manner as picking up garbage or keeping your candy wrapper till you find a trash to toss it.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Equal Parents Responsibility to raise their children [2]

- It is very common in the most of the families that the mother duty is to raise the children including the housework, and for the father hisfather's duty is to support the family financially.

- leavingLeaving ( always capitalize your first letter at the start of the sentence) most of the work for the mother.

- She may find some difficultdifficultybyin doing all of this work by herself.

- They need both partners to be as much responsible and well-behaved, because what they learn from their mother is totally different from what they learn from their father.

- ....which is wrong the father presentnesspresence is very important for his wife and his children, not to mention, that the father should be aware of his kids emotionsemotional needs.

- every child needs to feel that his father is beingpaying him some attention.

- To concludeIn conclusion , both parents should share equal responsibility in raising their children. because is not fair for the mother to do it alone. and, the father is much able to help the mother.

- Also, children need their father to be raised well. in brief, Happy family always share equal responsibilities.

Bisho, I have made a few corrections on your essay, I hope it helps.
Also, please mind the following;

- punctuation marks, for you to break your sentences, you need a comma (,) and not period (.)

- when you start your sentence, use a capital letter in your first word

- proof read

- sentence construction, you need to put your ideas on a very thorough manner in order for your message to get across

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / The process of technology has contributed to the medical equipment and treatment; people live longer [3]

- FirstlyFirst , as the process of technology has contributed...

- Moreover, current technology allows human beings' ( no need for any punctuation mark on "beings") organs to be transformed from one body to another,which is considerably decreasing the mortality of human beings.

- SecondlySecond , it is true that the affairs related to elderly people are intensively taken into account by the government and the society facing the soaring rate of senior citizens' population. ( punctuation mark on "citizens" is not needed)

- The welfare formulated by the authorities provides practical fundings to elderly people, such as sickness pay or annual subsidy, which is financially assisting them a lot.

- The sound and suitable facilities and qualified staffers with medical knowhow in the nursing home help elders to live a life easierlyas comfortable in this well-prepared place.

- In conclusion, it is clear to see life expectancy is longer thenthan the past.

- Advances in medication, officially welfare in funding andlocallylocal nursing houses are the explanations for this trend.

Pys, your essay is good, however the last sentence is not clear to me. I'm not sure of the point you want to make.

I suggest re-phrasing it.

Make sure that you also proof read it, mind your punctuation marks, linking verbs and your spell check should be on all the time.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!