Writing Feedback / Elderly people can't enjoy their life enough due to lack of strength, energy and confidence [2]

I would like to assist you in making some corrections. When you begin your essay I think you need to simply state,"... according to their age." I am going to suggest deleting, "the situations" or you can state "live the situations in life the same way" in this paragraph.

Change this sentence to:" In fact, I..." When you are making the changes as suggested previously it should read, "during specific periods of life when". Remember to place commas after transition words (i.e. For Example, However, etc.). Law school can be in all lowercase letters. I think you should replace faculty with university. Delete "by now". The last sentence is too confusing. Here is a suggestion: "He has not enjoyed the lighthearted and serene experience of university life, and now it is too late to go back and live it the way he wanted to be".

Do you mean think before acting? You could say, "This attitude impedes one from living life fully." Place "a" before parent. The next sentence is too confusing because of he/she and his/her. Revise this sentence:"... a parent may become more careful because the consequences of his or her actions or choices could affect the his/her children." This is just a suggestion to help you reduce overuse of those words.

"living in fear corresponds to not living at all."

"always avoided driving the car"

These corrections will help you improve your essay. Good use of transition words!

.

Writing Feedback / "Is it possible to be a hero in the modern world?" SAT December 2010 [3]

I will help assist you again with your essay. First, I would like to say that you are working really hard. Also, this essay seems just right.

In the first paragraph, I think you are trying to state, "rose to the fore".

The last sentence of the second paragraph, you can delete and. Start the sentence with "despite".

The third paragraph is confusing because you discuss how others are saved emotionally and spiritually. It seems as if you mean they help us to think and analyze how we feel, which helps us escape from the digital era. When you discuss truths, revise part of the sentence to read:

"...need to face...".

Place "a" after lead.

This essay was an 11. It was very close to a 12.

Writing Feedback / Benefits and drawbacks of working from home (IELTS) [3]

I can help you with your essay. I think you should form a new sentence when you discuss how technology enables us to work anywhere. Ex: "This allows us...".

The next paragraph you would also benefit by forming another sentence too. Ex:" However, while working from home we can spend this time with our family." Place a comma after "Also" and "disabilities".

The third paragraph you can simple state "can be a great help". Change in internet to "on the internet". This is great information because some people may work and go to school to get a better position. You can use distance education if you explain how modern technology can help professionals as they are working and continuing their education to advance in their career. Change level to levels.

Place "a" before sedentary and "one's" before health. Change part of this sentence to:.. "but at home the only way to stay healthy is to exercise regularly".

The last sentence should be apart of the last paragraph. There are some missing words. Change part of this sentence to:"... taking breaks while working at the computer and not losing touch..."

Scholarship / "To Teach" - What you would be in your future? Statement of purpose. [5]

I will give you more assistance. 2nd paragraph: If you use two, this is plural so years would be correct. Yet, since you use one, you must use "year of" Place a comma after experience to combine the sentences. The rest of the sentence will read: "I want to resume my studies." I think it would be easier to describe it as involuntarily marry. Start a new sentence with, "Nonetheless, right after college I sought admission to a university".

Throughout your paper,you use commas after transition words (i.e. Moreover, However, Therefore). When you discuss the reason for the craving you had, this should be a new sentence. You should state, "at the top of your class."

"I completed my BS in literature..." I think you should replace gone through with "read". Place a period after literature. Gone into should be replaced again with "read". Enables should be in the past tense, change it to "enabled" and delete "the" before life.

The next paragraph, place a comma after education. Delete "the" before students. Delete well working besides and replace with "and". Do you mean a higher level of education?

It is difficult to understand the meaning of draw a conclusion. Do you want to continue to pursue literature? Change study in to "study at". Place "a" before state.

Place a comma after aspirations. I think you should end the sentence with the word "society". The other information is confusing. The next sentence belongs in the previous paragraph because you discuss literature but not the types of literature you want to study. If Turkey is not the country you will study in, I would delete this sentence.

Writing Feedback / Imitating others can only be positive if it aimed to learn from others' experiences and findings [2]

I can help assist you again. In your first sentence you change the tense from the past to the present. Change are to were and contrarily to: In contrast." Delete "neither" in this sentence too.

Place a comma after MIT. Change your tense to the past in this sentence:"... would never have reached such incomparable..." You use fired. Do you mean spearheaded? Help should be in the past tense.

Remember to put "the" before economy. If you begin a sentence you should capitalize the before U.S. Since the U.S. is stated in the middle of the sentence, "the" can be in all lowercase letters.

There is a slight misspelling. Change dear to dare when you discuss Bill Gates. I would suggest a change in word choice. You could say, "disregarded others advice".

Your last paragraph, you can delete some words:" In summary, imitating... if the aim is to" Delete at first step. The last sentence is incomplete because it has no subject. Do you mean then we change our world?

I am going to give you essay a 10. You were closer to an 11 if the past tense was used more often. Good job!

Writing Feedback / It's more important to work at a job you enjoy , even if the salary is low. [4]

I can help you to make some changes that will help you to improve your essay. First, you should state that," we may have a job we desired, but that does not pay well. Therefore, we may have a job we do not enjoy at all,..."

The next sentence also needs a revision: "In my opinion, it is better having a job you love but with a low salary, rather than being well paid for a job you will hate."

In the next paragraph, it is more common to say, "key to happiness". When you use transition words, you forget to use commas. Ex: In fact, Whereas, Although, In conclusion. Do you mean a job consumes most of your time and life? Place an exclamation point at the end of the paragraph.

Very good explanation of that quote! Change else to else's. Place a comma after reason, when you discuss how you did not like your internship.

The next sentence change the end of the sentence to: "have no sense of achievement." Place a comma after "internship". Do you mean you didn't want you life to be headed in the wrong direction or the direction you wouldn't choose for yourself?

When you state it is better the first one, this needs to be explained. Would you like to replace it with" to have a well paid job".

Scholarship / "To Teach" - What you would be in your future? Statement of purpose. [5]

I can help to assist you with your SOP. There are some minor issues that you can correct throughout your paper. First, there are missing apostrophes. When you state "Im", you have to place an apostrophe in the middle of these words to form a contraction. It would read: I'm. Another error is putting learn in past tense. Learnt should be changed to "learned". Also, when you use ie, this should be in parenthesis (i.e. PhD.)

I will help to assist you with portions of your paper and try to assist you later with the rest of your paper.

1st paragraph: Open your paragraph with "A few days ago.." What was the copy that was given to you? Was it an old paper? This should be explained. Change these sentences to: "I found the same question there, I was provided by my teacher." What you would be in your future? This question I have faced thousands of time in my life and my answer is always the same yet repetitive .

The next sentence in your essay could make the reader confused. It also may seem as if you are uncertain about your goals. You could begin to state that as a child you grew up with parents in the teaching profession. When you got older, you developed your own passion or interest in the profession.

Here is another correction that needs to be made for these sentences: "...exist without a teacher. That's why...ability to teach" The next sentence should start a new paragraph.

Essays / Discuss the development of myocardial infarction; an opening line [6]

I can help to assist you. There are many ways to develop an opening line for this essay. First, you must decide how you want to structure your paper. For example, if you have found an interesting fact online or in a book, this could help you to open your essay. You might say, According to WebMD, (National Library of Medicine)... Then you could state how many people have a sudden myocardial infarction without any warning. This is also called an ischemic attack. Therefore, an opening line could list a less specific cause and then discuss more specific causes in the body of the essay.

Also, you could have an opening line that discusses the number of people who don't survive a myocardial infarction. Then your essay could discuss what are the causes behind so many lives being lost and preventive measures to help people try to reduce their risk of a myocardial infarction.

Another opening line could be who discovered myocardial infarction. You could give a short, but brief explanation about his work on the subject and then discuss how modern medicine has uncovered the signs and symptoms and preventive measures to treat this condition. This could answer the question about its development.

These are some suggestions to get you started. However, you should think about what the word development really means. Development could mean simply describing what happens when a person experiences myocardial infarction.

Writing Feedback / College students should base their choice of a field of study on the availability of jobs [3]

I would like to help make suggestions to help you improve your essay.

First, I think before you submit your essay make sure the reader can see when you are starting a new paragraph. Posted should be changed to posed. You state "filed of their studies". Change it to: "a field of study, seem".

When you begin to discuss the sentence regarding academic excellence, the meaning becomes confusing. I would change it to: When students study with eagerness, this leads to... and more success in the field of study. There were many ideas presented that needed to be more clear to the reader. Place "to" after weight and change are coincident to "coincide".

The next paragraph, place a period after decision. There needs to be two sentences that are formed. One should describe what happens when students commence their education, The other sentence about looking at future prospects.

The last paragraph and sentence that discusses field of study in a specific region. I would change it to: "...because of experts in this field, progress of technology, and lack of progress."

Writing Feedback / Technology is not foster our business only but also make people's daily life easier. [5]

I can help to assist you with your essay. I would like to focus on meaning and sentence structure.

First, you begin your essay by stating: "We live in a modern era". When you state that human's have become inventors, you must place "been" after have. The next sentence should be revised. You could use "without technology" at the end of the sentence rather than the beginning of the sentence. There is another contraction you should use rather then cannot. You could use, "I'm not convinced..." Add "the" before following.

The next paragraph delete "being". Remember to put a comma before etc. The next two sentences are confusing in your discussion. If you want to discuss friendships, then discussing how helpful the Internet has become in communicating with family and friends is the best sentence to use in this paragraph.

When you begin new paragraphs, you can state (First, Second, Third). When you discuss that there is less staff needed, you must state that this is the automated technology company that has reduced staff due to advanced technology.

You should revise this sentence: "Because we live in a globalized world, complex businesses..." The next sentence place a comma after online and is should be "are" when you describe only one business. Reputed should be reputable. Add -s to the end of amount and customer. When you describe the internet you should use "on the" rather than in. Delete the word "that".

The last paragraph "is not" is confusing.. I think you mean helps. When you use "only but also" that is very confusing. Use the conjunction word "and" to join your ideas.

Book Reports / Topic: How does adversity shape a character - Night by Elie Weisel [3]

I can help to assist you with the meaning in your essay. When I read it, I thought you have a very descriptive writing style. However, there maybe a few changes you can make.

First, there is an incomplete sentence at the beginning. In the first paragraph, you discuss that the memoir is based upon the character Elie Weisel. Then the sentence comes to an abrupt end. The sentence needs more information. I think you can join this sentence with the next sentence. Here is a suggestion on how you can correct it: "The memoir, Night by Elie Wiesel, illustrates that through the main character Elie Weisel, originally all individuals are innocent. Yet, it is...valued virtue innocence."

Also, you should begin the next sentence by spelling 15, rather than use the number. Faith and horrifying should be in all lowercase letters. I also think you can delete some words in the last sentence, such as: an introduction an .

In the next paragraph, place a comma after memoir. When you introduce information from a story, you should introduce what you will be quoting. For example in the paragraph, you could state: "In the memoir it states: "Yet that was...." Remember to stay in the past tense. Change is to was when discussing what was left of Elie's family.

You are doing quite well to cite your source. If you know who the author is, you should put this is parenthesis too (Weisel, pages 29-30).

Those are just a few suggestions to help you with your essay.

Writing Feedback / Should people always tell the truth? Or a lie is necessary sometimes? IELTS Essay [2]

I will help to assist you. First, I think you are doing quite well with transition words (However, For example, etc). There maybe a few minor mistakes that I can help you with.

1st paragraph: The word "the" should be placed after telling. So it would read: "telling the truth". I think you should end the paragraph with, " selection to make".

2nd paragraph: This is a good paragraph because it is easy to understand. Also, the example is interesting. However, delete "the" before patients.

3rd paragraph: There is a good and appropriate use of commas. However, there is another minor correction you could make. Instead of stating "right for children" you could state "true for children". The sentence in which you discuss the mother telling her child about the accident is unclear. I think this sentence needs to be revised or corrected. Do you mean that the answer is clear that the mother should lie?

4th paragraph: Since you are using a series of words in this paragraph, you need another comma. Correct: "...is good, meaningful, and the lies..."

5th paragraph: Place "a" before good purpose.

Writing Feedback / Equal distribution of both gender types in every course in the tertiary level of education [5]

I would think this is a really high score. Possibly a 7 or 8.

Writing Feedback / Should people make more of an effort to keep some things private? SAT June 2011 [3]

I can help to assist you. I will suggest some needed changes to your essay. When you state that you are going to put a massive effort for privacy. I think you should state, "put forth a massive effort to save one's privacy."

When you use the word "Besides", you should put the word it's in all lowercase letters. I think you should describe what put into light a pool of talent means. I have heard of shed light on matters.

I am going to suggest replacing meditations with thoughts or innermost thoughts. Delete "the" before human. When you speak about poets and philosophers remember to put your verbs in the past tense. For example, shun, speak, and can't should be in the past tense.

Instead of using the transition, At the other side, you should use "On the other hand".

I think the summary could be better. When you state I can summarize, you could simply state "In summary". I would give this essay a 9. If you have more sentences in your summary and with corrections, it could raise the score to 11.

Writing Feedback / Equal distribution of both gender types in every course in the tertiary level of education [5]

I can help to assist you. I feel that in that in the first paragraph, you should rearrange the words in the last sentence. It would make the sentence better to read. Here is a suggestion: "I feel that students should be admitted to every course regardless of equal distribution of gender." The reader can fully grasp that you are discussing students, what should happen, and why this could be an issue.

You should change disproportion on ratio to "disproportion of ratio".

I feel that the evidence in the second and third paragraph only has facts. I think you will have to give your opinion with the facts.

The fifth paragraph, change result to productive to "...result in productive ideas".

Essays / Need help with my outline for my car pollution paper [3]

I can help assist you. The first step you should take is to ask yourself: What is car pollution? How specific do you want your essay to be? The outline should help to guide the reader about your discussion. The most important step is to do research and find as many sources as possible.

For example, if your topic specifically addresses or discusses how car pollution impact's health globally. There could be information on each continent or you could choose what areas in the world you want to focus on writing about. Similarly, the same is true if you choose to discuss car pollution's role in the environment.

The key to being able to write a ten page paper and outline is to brainstorm about what you want to write and think about what is most important to discuss and begin research on a topic. Last, find enough sources so that you will be able to write. The outline helps you and the reader by highlighting the main points that are to be discussed.

Student Talk / The aim of life [56]

When I read this statement, I thought about a class that I had taken in college. We tried to find out what does it mean to be human by exploring all the many ways that distinguishes us as human beings rather than any other species. The conclusion is that we have the ability to love and be loved.

Regardless of how much money we have or what we aspire to be, we can love and be loved. See these quotes by a respected leader Nelson Mandela:

"I am not an optimist, but a great believer of hope." (Ibtimes)
Partial quote: "It is what difference we have made to the lives of others that will determine the significance of the life we lead." (Ibtimes)

When you contribute your work to others, show concern for others, that is what is important. Think about the joy that you give to others and every time you have negative thoughts, you will find joy in what you have achieved by giving of your time to others. I'm sure you have made a difference! You have a reason to live and be in this world!

Writing Feedback / The given table provides the percentage of the monthly average expenditure from family budget [2]

I can help assist you with your analysis. A minor error you can fix is to add "a" before family budget. The second sentence is a really good observation of the table.

The next sentence, you should change the spelling of this word to "noticeable". Also, you mention Turkey and then Ireland. However, Ireland is not represented. Did you really mean Spain? I see that Spain has over 30% in the food and drink category. I would change the term whereas to, "However", to begin the next sentence. Place a comma before the term respectively in your essay.

There is a good attempt to use a transition word but I would suggest changing "By contrast" to "In contrast". There is a minor error. In the last sentence, the UK has one one uppercase and lowercase letter. Change the "k" to an uppercase letter.

In order to improve your writing work on learning transition words: By contrast should have been "In contrast". A better term was to use "However" rather than whereas. Also, continue to use commas and learn new vocabulary words.

Writing Feedback / [GRE Argument] Recommendation appeared in a memo from the mayor of the town of Hopewel [3]

I can help assist you in correcting some minor issue with your essay. There are some missing words in the first paragraph which can confuse the reader. The word "the" should be before Hopewell and Ocean View. Also, "a" should be before similar. When you use the word "were" it is plural. Yet, the word statement is singular or just one statement. Therefore, were should be changed to "was". These are minor issues in grammar that you can correct in this paper.

In the first sentence of the second paragraph, you use the "were" again but describe the golf course and resort hotel. Since these are two different places, I would add -s to the end of course and hotel to make it plural. Also, add -s to the end of visitor. I think you could use another word besides festival that will closely relate to golf course and hotels. You could use the term "attractions" so that the topic will continue to be easy to understand. Make tourist plural and change visited to the present tense rather than the past. I'm unsure about the meaning of the last sentence.

In the third paragraph, you have to make sure you are using "are" rather than is, because you describe two places rather than one (i.e. Ocean view and Hopewell). Delete "were" in this question. I want to suggest a better way to ask this question. You could separate it from the sentence and ask the question. Place "is" before located. I'm confused by one sentence in this paragraph. Do you mean that the location where Hopewell was located was in an area that prevented such attractions from being built?

In the last paragraph, I'm unsure if you want to use accreted or accounted. I would change part of this sentence:"... two year period; however, the author did..." When you have two ideas you can use a semicolon or you could form a new sentence using "However". Also, you use "For all we know" a few times in the essay. I think by forming a question that begins with "What if" or "For example, what if... Do you mean rather than percentages?

The last paragraph delete should and change it to: "to".

Writing Feedback / Abilities of the headland to resist the erosion; IELTS writing [3]

I can help to assist you with feedback on your analysis of your diagram. First, change erosed to eroded. You need to add the word "the" before weak area.

There is a misuse of it's. Change it's to "its" because you are describing the arch, and change the arch to "an arch".

When you describe the roof stack, there is a minor error. You change your tense from the present to the past. You should simply state: "rock stack collapses".

Remember to use "the" after "called" when you are describing the terms. Also, delete the word "being". When you mention half-sized, it can be confusing. The diagram shows how it is ripped in half or breaks apart. This will help your reader to understand your description better.

You have a really good description! Yet, I think you could describe that the end of the erosion results in the stack and stump separating completely from the headland. I think this is just one minor detail that is missing because these are parts of the headland that retreat.

Writing Feedback / The number of animal and plant species gradually plummets in recent years; it's wake-up call to glob [3]

I would like to help assist you with your paper. Here are some suggestions to help you correct your paper:

-"But we do not know their value, until the number of living speciesthingswhich gradually plummets in recent years . It's a wake-up call to global ."

-"It's a wake -up call to global." There needs to be more information added to this sentence. Do you mean to end the sentence with: "change matters globally"?

-I think you should reword this last sentence. It could be vague. Here is an example:

"There are many causes and effects of global warming, but there are many measures to reduce this phenomenon."

This is an example or format you can follow to help the reader understand what you will discuss in your essay without saying this is what you will be discussing.

-Don't forget to format your paragraphs. I think the next sentence could be the beginning of your next paragraph.

-Change this sentence to: "It's is undeniable that human activities cause damage to some plants and animals."

-Change this sentence to: "As a result, not only thousands of trees are destroyed and replaced by building cities and villages, but Also, others lost their lives because of losing home and scarcity of food." If you are quoting from a source, check your source.

-When you discuss commercial exploitation this should be another paragraph. Change part of this sentence to: "crucial beneficial for humans such as for medicine and food."

-"Disappearance of one species makes chain results in a chain reaction and impacts on others"

-I think you should separate over hunting and wild should be wide. Remember to review your paper again and cite your sources if needed.

Writing Feedback / Are countries with a long average working time more economically successful? [4]

Hello, I can help to assist you with corrections to your paper. In the first paragraph, you should delete "on" before economic. The last sentence in the paragraph is confusing. Do you mean that when people reduce their workload, it leads to economic success?

In the second paragraph, I think you can state "work hours", delete "necessarily", and change improve to "improving". I will show you how to improve this sentence: People working long hours are vulnerable to illness, including fatigue, work stress and depression; thus, their performance declines. (If you want to combine two sentences, use a semicolon instead of a comma after depression.) If you have researched this information, remember to give credit to your source in this paragraph.

In the third paragraph, I think you should change the end of the first sentence to: "are improving productivity, along with reducing working hours of employees." When I read this sentence, it seemed as if this was a continuous action so the verb improved needed to be changed to improving. In the last sentence of the paragraph, you can delete "the" and I think you should change industries to "technology".

I think you should add a few more sentences to summarize your findings in your conclusion. Good Job!

Essays / Literary analysis on The Scarlet Letter and how the seven deadly sins are demonstrated. [3]

I can help to assist you. I'm sure it might seem quite frustrating if you are trying to convey a certain message to your reader. However, a literary analysis is supposed to help you grasp the meaning behind a particular story. Therefore, there will be certain elements of your writing that will focus exclusively on details of the story. My advice would be to think about what each of the words in your thesis statement truly mean outside of the story. Here are some suggestions to think about:

1) Think about the Purtian's way of life in comparison to modern times.
2) What are the implications of lust, wrath, envy and pride?
3) How does this compare to our era?

If you think about the story and the implications of morality, envy, and pride, then this will help you to begin to write. When you begin brainstorming again, think about the moral of the story. Sometimes when you feel disconnected to your writing, it is good to take a break. I hope this helps you!

Undergraduate / Selflessness - I hope I would make my papa proud. Common Application [4]

Hello, I can help assist you some. I'm sure you will be able to use all of the suggestions to make your paper better.

First, I think you should state, "grandpa or papa's". This will help to clarify that it was your grandpa. In the second paragraph, I would delete, "no matter". The next sentence needs some work. You would benefit from using a transition word. Here is an example of a correction to that sentence: "For example, his work in the militaryand local homeless feeding program helped to instill in me the power to help others." This is a simple way to describe that your grandpa had an influence on you. I have highlighted words in bold to show that when you are writing, it is helpful to connect ideas with transitions and words such as "and" to connect ideas. You could have also used commas too.

In the next paragraph, I think you should change act to "acts of selflessness".

Essays / Research for Reservoir Engineering - topics choices [4]

Hello, I can help to assist you with this topic too. First, you should think about your audience. Once you have done research you need to narrow your topic. Also, I would suggest making an outline. Here is an example:

Topic: Reservoir Engineering

1)What is Reservoir engineering?
2) How has it developed over time?
3) What are the current efforts or projects to use reservoir engineering?
a) Key Everglades Reservoir Project (MSN news)
b) Northern Colorado's growth pushed construction of Glade Reservoir (MSN news)
4) Conclusion

This is just an example to help assist you. You should look in newspapers, journals or periodicals, online on news or other sites that pertain to your topic.

Undergraduate / STELLAR ACADEMIC PERFORMANCE IN THE AISSE - Penn State Application Personal Statement [3]

I will help to assist you. Your writing is very descriptive. I could easily understand what you faced as a reader. This is an important quality to have even if there are errors present in your writing. I am going to help you condense or shorten your writing. First, I will begin by stating that you need to consider what details are more important to your story. This will be very difficult to decide. Let me give you a few questions to help you.

1) When you discuss the medicine in your biology book, is this a significant detail to include since you discuss technology?
2) After your seminar ended, could you exclude the dialogue you had over the phone and begin discussing that you took the examination?
3) If you end with national recognition, then will you forget to mention your desire to attend the university?

These are questions that will help you exclude or delete information. Also,what details will be vital to tell your story? At the end of your essay you should have at least some sentences that detail how this experience will reflect positively on your ability to succeed at the university. You mention that you didn't give up and believed in yourself. What will happen when you attend this university? Will you still believe in yourself? Has having little educational resources taught you the value of having resources and given you a determination to succeed in your continued studies? You will need a sentence that discusses how individuals can make the best of a bad situation and triumph in the future. Negative situations like you experienced don't have to define you, but could make you better or more determined to succeed.

Here are a few more suggestions:
1) Make sure you are at 500 words or less
2) I want you to revise this sentences in which you place parenthesis around words. When I started going to a good school in the city,next to the village, the villagers started to look at me with disdain. So, a smartphone, with the internet, was my only hope and source to get some of them. Place "a" before smartphone in the next sentence.

Undergraduate / Escaping the labyrinth-college application essay [2]

I can help assist you with your essay. I will give you some feedback on your writing.

1st paragraph: I would delete the word resume because it makes it is similar to applying for a job. Application is a better word to use because it shows you are continuing your education. This should read: "Department of Undergraduate Admissions". The word "of" should be lowercase. I think the transition from discussing the college application to being good in school and sports needs some work. You could use a transition such as: "For example". Here is an example of how you could make that transition: For example, some students have excelled academically and have taken every honor and AP class there is. Others excel at organized sports, while others excel in arts." This is just an example so you begin to think how you can incorporate what you want to say so that the reader can understand your essay better. I would also use another term for "every batch" such as graduating class. Also, when you read your essay, make sure there are no missing words. In the last sentence of the first paragraph, place "it" after make.

2nd paragraph: Here is my suggestion to change this sentence in the second paragraph: "Yet, the one thing that I'm actually good at is dreaming of an awesome future for myself."

3rd paragraph: "Nevertheless, I have huge plans for my life." I want to suggest that you use more transition words. I replaced the beginning of your sentences with "Yet and Nevertheless" because it makes it more clear to the reader. Sometimes using the right transition words makes your paper easier to read because the reader will know if you are changing topics or have a different idea you will discuss. "And that is what keeps me going." Personally, I would avoid using "and or but" at the beginning of sentences. Sometimes it can make your sentence sound incomplete. You want to avoid this when you write an essay. A simple way to change this sentence is to delete "and". Now your sentence will read: "That is what keeps me going". Delete what is in parenthesis at the end of the sentence. This could deter admissions from considering your application. There could be a wrong perception of your character because of this statement.

4th paragraph: I think you have a good grasp on how to change "And or but" at the beginning of a sentence. However, I think you should also delete what is in parenthesis at the end of this paragraph.

5th paragraph: You use the term cloudier and then bright future. I think you mean sunnier. You use the term "therein lays" I think you mean "therein lies".

6th paragraph: If this statement is not a quote, I would change it to "less cloudy or bleak" or just end with "as bright as the sun" or "brighter". These are words you can use to help the reader to understand your viewpoint better.

Essays / Development of notation before 1600 AD - advice on how to go about an essay question I have been set [2]

Hello, I can help to assist you. This question does not state that you have to have an opinion. You will be writing in an informative way:

1) Discuss how notations developed.
2) Before you discuss the topic, choose a period of time before 1600 AD to begin your discussion.
For example, if you find great sources before 1600 AD, you can begin at that point and state why this is a significant date to begin with.

3) When you include 2 or more sources, you have to discuss its progression until you reach its modern development. Then state what has happened to notations today?

4) The question gives you a clue to research modern day notations because it refers to modern day scoring techniques.

If you are still unsure you can ask an instructor. I hope this helps you!

Essays / Struggling with thesis statement/topic sentences/conclusion; American Studies student [3]

I would be happy to assist you with your paper. The first and second topic seem to relate to your thesis statement. However, the first topic doesn't address how someone who comes from nothing makes it to the top. I am going to suggest combining topic sentence 1 and topic sentence 2 together. For example, what if the topic sentence reads: " The Grand Budapest Hotel reflects the viewpoint that knowing the right people is a sure road to success, because the movie depicts how an illegal immigrant makes it to the top with the help of others." This is just an example of how you can combine your thoughts to ensure you will discuss what is stated in your thesis statement.

I think you could revise the conclusion. Since the movie is something you are recommending to others, I would suggest stating:" I highly recommend seeing the Grand Budapest Hotel." I think you should describe contacts too. I think you mean strong social connections or a common expression that is now used is a strong "network". Wipe and proofs is confusing. Do you mean that the movie proves that someone can succeed in society, even if he or she comes from little means?

Hope this helps you!

Writing Feedback / Life now and furtherback - living in recent years is better than 100 years ago. IELTS TASK 2. [3]

I can help assist you with improving your writing. I will focus on just a few paragraphs. Here are my suggestions:

I like the second sentence to start your essay. There are many ideas in the last sentence of this paragraph. The three ideas are: inventions, ideas, and communication. You could make three sentences rather than one sentence. Place "of" after plenty and put a period after easier. Start a new sentence with a transition word such as : "Also, there is knowledge that reduces the". The last sentence it seems to be a different than the other two sentences. I'm unsure if you even need to discuss communication until you discuss it in the 4th paragraph. You should state whether you agree or disagree with the statement: "Life now is better than it was 100 years ago". This will help the reader with the rest of your essay.

In the second paragraph, I think the first sentence seems to fit with your position. You can move it to the end of your first paragraph if you agree with this statement. I am going to suggest a change for this sentence: People today have a big deal more accessible tools that make them it easier to do duty or interest tasks.

Although I'm unsure what tools these are, you discuss this in the second sentence so it needs to be added to this sentence. You could be more specific when you mention tools. Do you mean gadgets rather than tools?

Make place plural and make this change: "... in the world, people were going to walk in order to get around..." Another way to say get around is to use the word travel. Change this sentence to: "Yet, nowadays today people just call a taxi or drive a car to travel."

I'm unsure about "Other case". Do you mean, "However"? Also, is relations actually relatives? Make island and city plural. You should state "post office". When you want to join sentences together you can do this by using a semicolon at the end of a word and a comma after the transition word. Place a semicolon (;) and comma in this part of the sentence: "...post; moreover,..."

Delete this: "...keep in touch with end of their fingers by texting, email, or other modern forms of modern communication." Those make life easier. You can use another transition word to end this paragraph such as "Therefore".

Try to look at different transition words to begin your sentences and word choice. The essay has good information.

Writing Feedback / Are alternative energy resources too expensive and complicated to replace the coal, oil and gas? [2]

I can help you again with this essay. I think you are really improving with your writing. I am going to give you some helpful advice with the meaning of your essay.

-If you use, "the town" it is not specific enough. If you change it to "towns", you don't have to be specific. However, in the next sentence, you may need to be more specific. For example, instead of using "all", you could replace it with "everyone's" You need a transition to begin the next sentence. Ex: "As a result". Place "the" after harnessing. Are these resources being used by countries?

I'm unsure about the machine and power station. Does this relate to harnessing natural power? As I looked at the other paragraphs, I see that you are mentioning solar panels. This paragraph needs to mention solar panels, so the reader can know that this will be discussed in the other paragraphs. It will help your paper have better organization and the ideas will be understood.

-Your sources should be cited in this paragraph. Change part of this sentence to: "...funding at which the state should allocate." The next few sentences have facts, but it is a bit confusing. If the equipment and apparatus are made in the plant, then this could make the facts better. It seems like the whole paragraph is about this alternative energy plant, which is the wave plant. Is that correct?

-Cite your source in this paragraph. Also, the last sentence, I think you mean that "creating wave energy is not a problem".

-The last paragraph, I think I understand your essay better but it needs some work. Are you trying to compare the attempts made by the U.S. to construct alternative energy with other countries? Therefore, you believe each individual state should maintain their own plants. In this essay, don't leave out some details, because it can confuse the reader and this topic is a little more complex. Also, I think you didn't give your opinion. A few sentences could explain if you agree or disagree.

Writing Feedback / Could alternative energy sources replace fossil-fuel energy? [2]

I can help you with some of your writing. First, I would like to know the meaning behind this statement because it is unclear. "This is because the one is valued to save heavy process." There is a minor error, you just need to replace motion with "notion".

-This sentence needs to be rearranged. Is this what you were trying to state: First of all, renewable natural resources of renewable are far hard to generate large quantities of energy. I would check your source too. You can look at your source for the next sentence and quote it, but remember to cite or give credit to that source in your paper. The next sentences give credit to your source by citing where you found the information (i.e., book, internet, etc). Change considerably to considerable.

-Change supply to supplying. Please cite your source again in this paragraph. I would help you correct more, but I don't know what is your original writing and what information is from a source. If you use quotation marks around sentences, then I can assist you more with your writing. This is good information!

-The first sentence in the last paragraph seems to be confusing. Do you mean that it is unlikely that there will be a change from fuel to renewable power because of the troubles with alternative natural resources? Do you want to end the essay with, "this won't occur immediately". It seems as if there is no immediate solution.

Writing Feedback / Increasing crime rate can be solved by a government role. [2]

I want to focus on some minor issues to help you with your essay. There are many good transition words, but I will help you with errors so you can improve your writing.

-In the first paragraph delete "in" before you mention "around the world". You don't need this word. Since you use factors, you can have more agreement with this statement if you make some words plural. For example, change one of them to: "some of them are related to economic factors." There is a missing words and some errors in this sentence: "As such, criminal activity should be tackled by the government or individuals..."

-In the second paragraph and second sentence, delete "of". You don't need these words, "in some place ". Change it to: "For example, in developing countries..." This change was made because you discussed more than one country. You almost had it right! The transition should be "In addition". I was confused by this sentence. Do you mean that the loss or lack of family values causes an increase in crimes? Delete "of" in the next sentence.

-In the third paragraph, this sentence needs to be explained. I think you mean that work and money should be given to people to reduce poverty. Remember to change "An Addition" with the same transition used in the second paragraph. Delete immediately and replace with, "a".

-In the fourth paragraph, delete "of criminal reasons". After family you should mention that these "cause crimes". The second sentence I'm unsure of to give any suggestions.

Overall, sometimes adding too many words can make it difficult to read. Read the paper with corrections and this will help you improve. Remember to cite any source you used.

Writing Feedback / Alternative energy sources basically require more money [2]

I would like to help you with your essay. I would like to help you with meaning. Assume could be in the past tense. When you begin your essay, I think you can combine these terms and state "environmentally friendly energy". Do you mean that society reduces its dependency on these resources? The last sentence in your opening paragraph needs to be explained. I think the problem exists because you have too many words. Do you mean that scientists have done research on ways to become energy efficient and generate more power?

In the second paragraph, you should cite your source. I think this sentence could be better if you change it to read: "In fact, this could change..." Do you want to use remains or needs?

Delete standing, and begin the sentence with "In contrast". You use it digs. Do you really mean we have to dig deep?
Would you like to use illustrate rather than exemplify? Check and cite your source with the fact that discusses global energy. Is it going to be introduced by 2040? Place "a" before sustainable and I believe you are trying to end this sentence with "the transportation sector."

Writing Feedback / Parents are responsible to shape their children habits and attitudes, also in regard to the money. [2]

I can help provide you with some helpful feedback to assist you with your writing. I will help you according to each paragraph that was written. First, you are doing good with your transition words at the beginning of each paragraph.

1st: The first sentence I would begin with: "Parents have the responsibility to shape their children's habits and attitudes." The next sentence you must tell the reader how parents teach their children to be responsible. You could describe it as one way parents shape their children is by teaching them how to be responsible financially. Each sentence you write in the paragraph should make your paragraph strong. Remember to use the words: a, to, the. The next sentence, "to" should be placed before cope and deal. If this sentence is quoted, you should use quotation marks around the sentence. The next sentence change it to "All children should learn..."

2nd: You don't have to tell your reader how you would like to begin the sentence. You can delete those words. You could possibly describe it as a common expression or saying. Perceived should be in the present tense, change it to perceive. Working should be work. You use a word that is confused with the correct word. The word you should use is practical. Change the sentence to: "Parents can show them how to be practical." Don't forget that your essay discusses the parents too! Did you have household responsibilities? You could say this only if it is true and you want to be more specific. Delete instead and understood. Depending should be in the past tense. Change learnt to learned. Good example!

3rd: Place about after learn. Change become to becomes. I don't understand squirreled. Do you mean a little stored away? If there is only one piggy bank, are should be changed to "is". When you use they, use "are" instead of have in the next sentence.

4th: There are words that need to be rearranged. Delete we can and change to "children can participate". Delete how and change found to "may find". You are missing "an" and "the" in this paragraph. An should be before educational. When you use supermarket and ingredients, "the" should be before these words. Correct learnt and make it in the past tense.

5th: The last sentence is okay. Also, starting the paragraph with, "In Conclusion", is perfect! You forget to mention the parents. That is a missing detail that could be included.

Writing Feedback / RE: Regents Scholarship Appeal Statement [3]

I will give you some advice for your statement. I wrote an appeal many years ago. Appeal letters are sometimes difficult to write and depend on the circumstances that are involved. Hopefully, the appeals committee will see that you committed a selfless act to help someone who needed you during that time.

I was in the same position my first year in college, and my grade point average fell below the minimum requirements. If you do this mathematical calculation it is exactly 0.009 below the minimum requirement. What was your grade point average the next semester? If it met the requirements, you can do a comparison and express how diligent you are as a student and that the drop was minimal despite your extenuating circumstances with your girlfriend and sickness.

I want to give you feedback on your writing:
Don't capitalize fall. 3rd paragraph: You could possibly describe the semester simply as, "This spring semester... (without putting it in parenthesis) ".
Also, place a comma after "semester". In the next sentence delete, "had". Place a comma after college. In the last sentence, place a comma after future.

4th paragraph: Instead of using the transition Furthermore, you could use, "For example". You need a transition word to illustrate how it wasn't easy and that being sick was an important reason why you fell short of some grade points.

5th paragraph: You use "and" to describe meet and surpass the criteria set. I would use "or" to replace and, because it would show that you are committed to meet the minimum requirement or even surpass it.

Please proofread it again and I hope your appeal is considered.

Writing Feedback / The cause and measurement in solving the rise of crime rate [2]

I will help you again with some of your essay. Here are a few changes I would like to address:

-"As far as I am concerned, a rise of unemployment and poverty issues are key factors causing this problem." When you use unemployment and poverty, these are two factors, so you need to change is (because it is singular) to "are" (because it is plural). Also, broken families or single parents contribute to an increasing crime rate. I changed this because I was unsure why contribute was in the past tense.

-The second paragraph seems to come from a source. If you try to paraphrase some, this might cause some issues in grammar. If you choose to quote, just place quotation marks where you want to use the source and cite or give credit to your source in the paper.

-The third paragraph, just change the first sentence to "single parent families". This will describe the type of family you are discussing rather than parenthood. Delete "that" after recorded. Here is another instance where you would benefit from looking at your source and citing it. If you want to paraphrase your quotes, you have to pay close attention to detail. I would recommend looking at your source, citing it, putting quotation marks around what is quoted and giving credit. Ex: "And here's The Sneetches , by Dr. Seuss! I used to read this to my children when they were little" (Kamara & Susan McClelland, 181). In a works cited page, I would give the authors credit: Kamara,Mariatu, and Susan McClelland. The Bite of the Mango. Buffalo: Annick Press, 2008. Print.

-The fourth paragraph make option plural. I think that adding to many words to your sentences is creating more difficulty. My suggestion is to try to simplify your sentences. Look at the words that I am going to cross out. To illustrate this, if all of persons everyone in a country carries out a has a good job permanently with and a stable income, they will gain an improvement of profound life quality improve their quality of life.

After your transition word, use "judicial institutions could". When you use pressure it seems like you are for the crime rise. I know that this is not the word you want to use. I think you mean reduce the number of crimes. Is that correct? Delete to worry. If they receive an extraordinary punishment they will be with other criminals. I think you should use "don't" before receive. This changes the meaning of what you are trying to express to the reader.

-The fifth paragraph I am going to show you more words that should be deleted. Ex: although and experiences an obvious . The only change that needs to be made in the first sentence is to make rates plural. The second sentence delete these words: Therefore, I would argue that to maximize in solve this, should the government shouldn't focus only on providing job fields or making regulations, but arouse individuals' self-conscious to respect for the rules of society too .

Writing Feedback / Should we save and restore some languages? [2]

I would be happy to assist you with this essay. I have suggested some changes in grammar and meaning.

1st paragraph: In fact, throughout history, communities..." Currently, the situation is much different because languages are disappearing at a fast pace as a result of unison in trades and cultures." Change part of this sentence to:.."linguists are shifting..." Make resource plural in the next sentence.

I'm a little confused when you discuss financial resources. Are the linguists using money to fund research to understand these linguistic patterns?
You could add: "When linguistics study these dying languages, some feel it is a waste of financial resources." This is countered..." What is the alternative? Please explain this point just with a few more words. This is my suggestion for the last sentence. "In my opinion, there needs to be more efforts to restore forgotten languages." If you say "should be spared", it could mean that nothing will be accomplished or done.

2nd paragraph: In the first sentence, change hold to have. Change this sentence to make it plural since you use factors: "Therefore, these factors decide..." Languages should be lowercase. Place a semicolon after community. For an example should be changed to: "For example". Delete "And" when you begin the last sentence. Start this sentence with, "Thus". Place "of" after history.

3rd paragraph: There is a typing error, "maybe" should be one word. Make resource plural. Change this sentence to: Firstly, to restore a language, the community must have respect for that language. Here is a suggestion for the next sentence: "There will also be a huge need for courses, tutoring, and materials to educate the people." Use a transition word such as "Also or In addition" to begin the next sentence.

4th pargraph: I would like to suggest a change for the last sentence. In summary, all languages can enrich our spiritual life, be uplifting,and improve our cultural enlightenment. I think these changes needed to be made because "summary" is a common transition, minor or not could be replaced by stating "all" and lift our horizon needed to be more specific.

Writing Feedback / GRE ISSUE - evaluation of the most effective teaching methods. [7]

I will give you some useful tips to help you become more skillful. However, first I would like to address the batsman statement. A simple way to state this is to find a good word to use. It simply involves word choice. You are stating that the batsman needs to be challenged. If he is used only on the playing field for what he is good at doing, he will never challenge himself and grow as a player. Here are my suggestions to help you improve:

1) Look up definite and indefinite articles. When you look up "a" and "the" in the dictionary, it gives good examples that show you how to use it correctly. I have a Merriam Webster's (4th edition) dictionary. It helps you with English grammar in the front and punctuation use in the back, and is a good guide to using the dictionary.

2) Read the newspaper and informational books. There are a variety of sentence structures that can help you with your writing. If I don't read, my writing could diminish or fall apart, figuratively speaking, because I'm not looking at good examples of writing. Reading helps my writing ability!

3) You can use spell check, in Microsoft Word, but if a word is spelled correctly then your grammar or word choice may not be considered an error.

4) You can ask your librarian to help you find grammar tests. They can help you with your common errors. You will begin to see your pattern of errors. Also, the librarian can give you good online sources. If you look it up, you may want to go to a good site that can help you practice and that is a trusted site. They are more familiar with these educational resources.

5) Finally, you can get assistance from this site. I will be happy to assist you!

Writing Feedback / Financial penalties in traffic. Should fines be mainly applied rather than some other policies? [2]

The first paragraph only needs a comma after "Recently". It is very organized and I am able to understand what you will be discussing in your essay.

In the second paragraph, the first sentence needs revision. Do you mean that it is only natural that the economic effects of traffic accidents are a concern for most people? If you state this, then you have to make a connection between traffic accidents and illegal driving. The next sentence needs a better transition word such as "For example, the..." Change theirs to their. Change this sentence to: "...as a result, people can be should be much more careful when driving." Change the next sentence to "pay off the fine with cash". When you use capture, it could have a few meanings. To be more specific in your explanation, you could use the term "revoking driver's licenses".

In the third paragraph, change in large-scale to "on a large-scale". Change this sentence: greatly contempt of traffic laws for the minority, and those with so-called high social standings or rich people..." I think you should end the sentence by stating the effect would go unnoticed. I think you are trying to express that those with more money may experience these effects, but not receive a hardship like others. The next sentence is difficult to understand. Change the last sentence in this paragraph from advantages to disadvantages.

The last paragraph, I think you are discussing the best possible solution or a possible solution. If you have researched information in your essay, cite these sources in your essay. Give your sources credit (i.e. book, internet, etc). Also, you could add one or more sentences for a better conclusion.

I hope this helps!