Essays / Explication and Evaluation to a Specific Audience - paper on one section of an employee handbook [3]

Sharon, basically, what you are being asked to do is analyze the Leave of Absence guidelines as it exists in the handbook adn then create an in-depth procedural essay to guide the person who will be using the form. Think of it as a very intricate tax return. Most people don't understand the documents and instructions in a tax return, which is why they hire an accountant to fill in the form for them. In this case, you are the accountant and the person who will be using the leave of absence form, is the payee. How would you explain the process of paying taxes to the payee? In your case, what steps will you need to explain to the employee who is looking to file a leave of absence.

This type of essay requires you to take apart and expand upon the instructions you are given. For example, if the instruction says, Fill in the form 51-A and then submit it to your supervisor for his signature. Then bring the document to the section head for his stamp of approval, then take to human resources for analysis and filing. You will receive an email within 24 hours regarding your request.

Now, that is the short version of the instruction. to make it explicatory, you must explain each step in great detail. For example.

Fill in form 51-A by inputting your last name, first name, middle initial, and then your employee number. You must fill in the form this way because the automated system will be checking for your attendance record in the employee database for the reference of HRD. After you fill in your name, find the space that asks how long your leave will be for. Explain why you are filing for leave and attach any important documents (in the case of medical reasons)...

That is the explicatory part. At the end of all the detailed instructions, you can then present an analysis of whether the form is too complicated, redundant, etc. I haven't seen the handbook so I can only give you a general example of how to approach the essay. This should not be too far from what you actually have to do in order to file for a leave of absence based on your employee handbook.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: GDP Growth Per Year For Tunisia, Japan, and Ecuador [2]

Masdar, I am sure that you have been reminded in your previous practice tests about the mandatory format for the paragraphs in this type of essay. You cannot have less than 3 sentences for any of the paragraphs. You are expected to present the complete summary within 3-5 sentences, which comprise a solid paragraph. Your introduction and conclusion are both wanting int hat aspect and will adversely affect the final grade that you receive.

It is too bad that you are unable to properly format your paper. You only needed to add a few sentences from the second paragraph to the first paragraph in order to create a more solid opening statement. The same procedure could have been used to summarize the content of your conclusion as well.

The overall essay was highly informative and well developed in terms of content. The reporting style is acceptable and you would definitely get good marks for the way you accurately presented the information. The only aspect that would really draw back the paper is the format as even your use of the English language has shown tremendous improvement.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Modern World Provide an Unhealthy Lifestyle [3]

Siti, your essay suffers from under development of ideas. You have actually presented some pretty good reasons for your belief. The problem, is that you were not able to properly defend your stance because you tried to discuss two topics in one paragraph. It is always best to discuss only one reason per paragraph so that you can develop your line of reasoning to tits fullest. The problem sentences that I spotted were:

1. ... so it will make their eyes become more tired - how does this contribute to an unhealthy lifestyle? What eye problems occur?
2. ... As a result, they tend to consume much fast food which contain sorts of chemical matter. Therefore, their lifestyle become unhealthier.- what evidence can you present to support your claim?

3. ... they should consume any simple dishes which fulfill their nutrition and spend little time. - spend little time doing what? Adding more time for what activity?

Your conclusion is strong and is in line with your discussion. Like I said, you just have to better develop certain aspects of the discussion in order to strengthen your stand on the matter.

Writing Feedback / The population change between 1940 and 2000 in three different counties in the U.S. State of Oregon [2]

There were some problems with the way that you set up the essay. These were minor problems though that just needed to be polished or connected so that the essay would become smoother to read. You have managed to use acceptable communication devices which gave the essay a slightly more professional touch. Keep on developing that aspect of your writing in order to further advance your vocabulary usage and writing skills.

... growth engaged in three different countries COUNTIES of Oregon ... for majority dwellers ... had A fairly similar ...

... A majority OF people prefeREDr to ... ... growth in THE number of population ... a significant changes. Interestingly, ... of three countries COUNTIES had widened out. ... figure of w Washington... slight increase, with TO 90,000.

I believe that if you continue to practice and apply methods which can help you further deliver a higher level of essay writing, then you will be able to enhance your written skills to a point where you will actually get a higher score in the final test because of it.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK1 the proportion of two surveys in what skills are extremely essential [2]

There is a lack of clarity in the way that you presented the discussion. However, the facts that you used were accurate so you knew what you needed to present, you just could not present it in the proper manner. That is a common problem among early practice test takers. It should improve over time with continued practice. Here are my notes on your essay.

... was A more favorable skills needed... making speech and presentation COMMUNICATION AND INTERACTION was considered less preference IMPORTANT for ...required for stuffs in all year. FOR EMPLOYMENT IN BOTH YEARS

... external communication skills for working inhabitants PEOPLE... ... was followed BY a slight... service WAS THE LEAT IMPORTANT showed the least external skills for officials ...a steadY fall...

Regarding to internal communication...most IMPORTANT SKILL remarkable skills required ... in 10 yearS to come . ... showed the WAS THE least abilities ABILITY REQUIRED for ... different yearS of survey respectively.

Writing Feedback / The percentage of pupils who accomplished their test. [2]

First correction, the bar chart discussed the results of an exam, there is nothing stated about these examinees being graduating students. So the term "graduated in exam" is wrong. The gender terms are also wrongly used. Throughout the essay, you should have just referred to "female" and "male" students, which connotes the correct sex for the students. You cannot call them "schoolchild" because theya re already teenagers, so simply referring to the correct gender would have been better.

Please, change all references to "graduating to passing. There is no such sentence as "graduating the test." One "passes" a test in order to graduate. While you did get the figures right and made proper reference to the classes they took, the wrong use of the word graduating made the essay really confusing to read and would have forced the reader to analyze what you are trying to say. The meaning of the whole essay became confused and unclear because of the reference problems.

Writing Feedback / A breakdown of the population rate in three different counties of Oregon from 1940 to 2000 [2]

Wow! Dynar, your English writing is almost perfect this time around :-) Congratulations. You have displayed an excellent ability to understand the graph, deliver the same information to the reader, and even expand upon the information for the benefit of your reader. Very good work. I hope that you can keep this style of writing up with your successive practice essays. In the meantime, I'll just nitpick and correct the very minimal errors in grammar that you have.

...rate in THE three ... Meanwhile ADDITIONALLY, Columbia and Yamhill ...

... population reached at 75 thousand and was by far the highest... the other countries COUNTIES, ... and other countries COUNTIES widened ... This was accounted for 75 thousand IN THE POPULATION.

During IN the timeline... and continuously jumped TO over 240 in BY the ... had a same SIMILAR pattern...

Take note of the corrections. A county is, by definition" a territorial division of some countries, forming the chief unit of local administration." and should not be confused with a country. The words sound similar but are not related in meaning.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1: THE PROBLEMS PEOPLE HAVE WHEN THEY GO TO LIVE IN OTHER COUNTRIES [2]

... and how the problems THEY ENCOUNTER vary according to people's ages ... who find sorting DIFFICULTY IN SOURCING medical care difficult is much higher than other PROBLEMS.

...people over 55 years olds find it hard to sort RECEIVE medical care...

... group finds that sorting SAVING money is... problems organizing THEIR financeS ARE is much l...

... as difficult A problem... are influenced AFFECTED by ... experience difficulties to find IN FINDING schoolS for ...

You need to develop your English word usage. You are using the wrong terms for what it is you want to say. In this case, having a dictionary on hand while you are practicing should help you. Refer to the meaning of the word you want to use before you use it so that you will be sure that you are using the correct term for what you wish to say.

Writing Feedback / Do we need knowledge of the past to fully understand the present? [2]

Anh, you have delivered a very insightful response to the prompt that you were provided with. The considerations you used and the examples that were cited indicate a clear understanding of the prompt requirements and allowed you to showcase your English comprehension abilities. Your discussion was fluid although it could have used more paragraph development in order to better showcase your language skills.

Based on the aforementioned considerations, I would give this essay a 6. This score is based upon the off the cuff rating of your current essay. I do not know what the grading rubic for the essay that your teacher will be using so the score should be considered variable. Overall, the work done was polished and very professional / academic in presentation. I do not doubt that your teacher would also give this essay an almost perfect score if it were not be based on the rating requirements for her class.

Writing Feedback / The rate of students who passed major examination in high school [5]

... passed THE major examination in high school that AS divided ... Overall, it is important to note that females who passed the exam was dominated in this rate DOMINATED THE EXAM PASSERS... computer science EXAM PASSERS WERE was dominated BY females, whereas MEN DOMINATED THE geography EXAM is the favorite lesson for males .

...highest PASSING proportion in this rate was experienced ... Subsequently, the most favorite lesson by males that MEN FAVORED mathematics at 48.4% but the percentage of women more WAS higher than men, which reached a through 1.2%.

- HIGHER THAN MEN IN WHAT SUBJECT? THE SENTENCE IS CONFUSING.

Moreover , the females released the proportion at more than 35% and the men's proportion shown a reverse.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY RELEASED THE PROPORTION? THAT DOES NOT MAKE ANY SENSE. RESTATE THE SENTENCE FOR CLARITY. HAVE AN IDENTIFIABLE SUBJECT IN THE SENTENCE.

Interestingly, the another science lesson was also popular by IN women, there was approximately twofold more slight men and witnessed the least number at 14.1%.
- WHAT SCIENCE LESSON WAS THIS?

... the geography was the ... There was THIS reached ...

However, the number of history lesson was experienced a through 2.7% more better females.
- CLARIFY WHAT YOU MEAN.

I believe that your thoughts are getting ahead of you. Always review your paragraphs for clarity and proper subject sentences. If you cannot understand what you are writing, neither will the examiner. These confusing statements will affect your final score.

Writing Feedback / Communication skills survey, internal and external, in 1997 and 2006 [3]

Sri, your work on this essay is commendable. You have displayed an ability to understand the chart information thoroughly. Your presentation of the facts provides an in-depth analysis of the figures on the chart and offers the reader most of the information that he will require in order to better assess the chart contents. You have done an excellent job in explaining the details of the report and its importance to the workplace.

An advanced level of English skills was on display in this essay. The devices used to discuss the topic were varied and showcased an ability to think and develop semi-complex explanations in English. Having proved your English language skills in this essay, I can safely say that even with the very minor errors that were pointed out above, this essay would have garnered a higher than average score in an actual test. I do believe that you are almost ready to take your exam. Only a little more practice is required before then.

Writing Feedback / IMMIGRANT'S PROBLEM WHEN LIVING ABROAD [2]

The main problem I can see with your essay report has to do with tense usage. All of these facts and events have already happened so you need to discuss it in past tense. Connecting words are also currently an issue for you but you should learn how to better use those devices as you progress with your practice tests.

...which are witnessed EXPERIENCED... who decided to ... and IS measured i... AND is provided in a bar chart...looking FOR A school ... big matter PROBLEM for most young people ... experience sanitary as SANITATION IS the greatest obstacle.

... individuals' ageD between ... obstacle to bring OF BRINGING their children to school at approximately 18%, ... THEY experience this trouble at 6% and 2% respectively.

...finance problemS... 18 and 34 assert EXPERIENCE this... reside RESIDING in another ... who aged 35 to 54 experience THIS AT by 2% ... ...problemS fewer...healthcare problemS IN people...and 37% consecutively RESPECTIVELY ...group IT is just...

These problems did not severely affect your report development. Your message could still be somehow made out and you managed to make your essay understood by most. Your writing should show improvement in the next essay if you take the advice we give you with this essay to heart and apply it to the next one :-)

Undergraduate / My FIRST SALES EXPERIENCE - SMU ESSAY on the highlights of important achievements or contributions [7]

Good work Gio. I don't see anything else that we can do with this essay in terms of revising the content. The discussion is already "perfect" and will work very well in your favor in terms of propping up your application. If I were to ask you to fix one last thing, it will be the format of the essay. While you did very well in dividing the paragraphs, you accidentally ended up separating the topics that should have been discussed together in a paragraph. So I will give you the paragraph partners below. All you have to do, is combine the paragraphs / bring the specific paragraphs together so that the essay will have a smooth flow of related topics being discussed. I will give you the first sentence and the last sentence that should go together. By the way, I found a few typos you can address as well.

The bus screeched ... of dirts DIRT stood...My decision was ...

I had to organize... Jackets are were of ... frosty climate uphill ... The sandals gave ... neighbouring NEIGHBORING villages ...

Subsequently, I earned...was my finest lesson.

So the essay should only be composed of 3 paragraphs. This format will make the essay tighter to focus on and help the reviewer get through the written content faster, but with his eye on the details of your response. Once you apply these changes, you don't even have to ask me for permission anymore, you can go ahead and submit it for consideration with the rest of your application.

Writing Feedback / The number of students interested in lesson [5]

Desy, you need to just keep up with your practice tests. The essay that you wrote is very good and is effective in summarizing and elivering the report to the reader. Of course the grammar issues cannot be avoided but that can be addressed over time. As of now, your grammar is simple and acceptable since this is an early essay of yours.

...statisticS of ladies... in different lesson CLASSES... successFUL in THEIR proficiency assessment...percentAGE for every lesson CLASS... passed in every examination...the single lesson CLASS... the PASSING percentage of gentlemen HIGHER was more than THE ladies.

...interesting in subject ... by FOR girls. Whilst, the THE statisticS of the girls ... the similar lesson CLASS. ..less THAN a ... of FOR the gentlemen. ...all the lessonS ...boys for ARE far less THAN of the statisticS than OF women... boys ARE ENROLLED in chemistry.

... kinds of subjectS... majority of the studentS... for AS the most popular of the lesson...students who ARE interested... social science having great number WITH A LARGE NUMBER OF ENROLLEES was ... fairly similar AT approximately...

The connecting words are very important in these types of essays. You also need to make sure that you use the correct term for the descriptions. For example, a subject is different from a lesson. The chart showed the subject, not lesson name. It is a subject because the students have to enroll in it before they can attend classes. That is the focal point of the essay.

Writing Feedback / A comparison of three different countries on annual GDP development over the course of four years [2]

Haidin, you lack a description of the kind of chart that you were given to study. It is an integral part of the summary and you should never omit the description of the chart you analyzed. It helps to explain the kind of analysis and discussion that you will be presenting in the succeeding parts of the essay. You should also have mentioned a summary of the countries that were involved in the chart. The lack of these information have made your introduction weak and would bring down you final score.

... countries on annual GDP development over the course of four years IS PRESENTED IN THE GRAPH CHART... it clearly can be... greatest percentage OF DEVELOPMENT was IN ... and the end ... had significantLY increased... a SHARP decrease sharply ...

..., there was the greatest percentage... WAS at more ... while the Ecuador saw a half ... plunged slightly to 2,. 5 percent...

... in 2009 onward . ... Japan taking place as INDICATING by far ...

This is not a bad attempt at writing a summary report. You just need to make sure that you are precise with the information that you present and you do not omit any important information in the essay. Next time, make sure that you double check your information before you consider the essay ready for submission.

Scholarship / 'Theory of reverse engineering and vulnerability analysis'. SOP for a DPhil in Cyber Security [2]

Jeff, you need to focus the content of your essay solely on the discussion of a personal statement. Have the university given you any parameters or guide questions to answer as an aid in developing your personal statement? Or are you just writing this on your own for your own purposes? You seem to be confused as to whether to write a statement of purpose of a personal statement. Each of which has their own set of specific information that you have to provide. According to your title for this post, you are applying for PhD admission at Oxford. Yet the heading that you have used for this essay is "Personal Statement", so which one are you really trying to write?

Let me clarify some points for you regarding a Statement of Purpose for a PhD, It is not written in the manner that you just did. A PhD level of writing, in terms of a statement of purpose should reflect your current occupation and the relevance of the occupation to your PhD studies, a description of your masters degree and how that relates to your plans for this PhD. Most importantly, your PhD statement of purpose must include a reference to your previously written research papers, a reference to it being published will serve your application well, and a description of your possible dissertation project. What you currently have is a cross between a college common app essay anda statement of purpose for a masters degree. Of the two, only the latter somewhat relates to a PhD level application essay.

The current version of your statement has too much unnecessary information. You just need to whittle it down to your most current and relevant information on your end. There is no need to go back to your childhood experience. The best reference would be for your most recent experience in a related field that will explain your purpose for higher learning. It should be something more important than "I have always dreamed of enrolling at Oxford" and should reflect more of "I wish to become a trailblazer in the field because of my concern for..."

If you can edit your essay to contain only the important aspects that I mentioned above, we can get started on editing your draft and directing it towards a usable form.

Writing Feedback / The International Graduate Students in some Canadian Universities [2]

Devi, always aim to deliver as complete a summary overview as you can when you write your introduction. In this case, you overview would have been better formed and would have been more informative if you had included a summary listing of the provinces in Canada that were included in the bar graph. That way the reviewer will get an idea as to where the information came from and what it might possibly present.

... and it is... as AT the highest level.

By the 2001's ... at NUMBER 7... SAW IT climb TO almost 12... The s Second place had ...AT roughly 6 points...had indicated...

...New Brunswick , presenting ... showed the A different ...more studentS had graduated from Canadian University UNIVERSITIES ...

Devi, you need to rework the conclusion to make it stronger. Your conclusion is composed of only 2 sentences which, although highly developed, needs to have additional information in a new sentence in order to fit the 3 sentence requirement of the essay. By the way, "Canadian University" is the wrong format of writing the words because the implication is that the universities are located in Canada and therefore should be written in plural form as "Canadian universities". You can note the example that I made in the corrections above.

Writing Feedback / The proportion of the most favourite tourist choices in Brighton attentions over 3 decades 1980-2010 [3]

Hi Yogi, you did well in developing this essay. The facts are all in the report and you displayed an understanding of the graph that you were provided. The developed report is acceptable and can be understood by most readers. However, your grammar still needs work. That is something that does not happen overnight but can improve over time through practice. Now, let's try to edit your essay for clarity.

... favourite FAVORITE tourist choices PLACES... in AMONG Brighton attentions TOURISTS... ... from Festival to be Gallery... in 1985 that THEN fell sharply... ... next following years.

... of at 20%... were SHOWED a significant ... then A gradually decrease. ... favourite FAVORITE destination... a half of total touristS ...

... f Festival had A different... fluctuated during OVER 2 decades... lowest RANK of 1... f Festival proportion virtuallygrowth GREW for ...

You have the potential to write better essays. This essay in particular shows how you do your best to represent the information that you have in a logical, English thought pattern. The language as of now, is simple, which is alright at this point. Your writing is sure to improve over time.

Writing Feedback / How many books from Burnaby Public Library were read by women and men? [2]

Miftah, your introduction lacks information. You should have included the inclusive years that the line graph illustrated in order to better inform your reader within the overview summary of your report. You should also indicate the library where the figures of comparison come from. The lack of information means that you were not really paying attention to the information that was provided. That also proves that you are unable to recognize important information contained in the report. Aside from that, you also lack the minimum 3 sentence requirement. Try to always divide your sentences into shorter ones so that you can meet the requirement.

...books was read ,,,
... over a 3-year period.
-Indicate the listed years from the report.
... measured in BY the ...
... most siginificant SIGNIFICANT facts...
THE NUMBER OF line for men dramatic increased,
... the line for NUMBER OF women...
... although in the WOMEN DURING THE last
... experienced A small fall DROP.

... books was read by ...
... following 1 years ...
... the level then rose gradually at TO...

... around at 4,500...
... in DURING the first two years,...
nearly at 10,000.
... in DURING the last ...
... around at 8,000.
... end of THE period, ...
... books was read by ...

I will grant you a pass for the errors that this essay contains since you have only started working on your practice tests. However, I will come down harder on you the next time I review your test essay so make sure to remember my instructions and you apply it to your next essay development. I look forward to seeing improvement with your future essays.

Writing Feedback / TASK 1 - Percentage of Tourists to England who Visited Brighton attractions [3]

Naufan, your presentation needs a lot of work. Your introduction was short by one sentence and did not really summarize the story very well. Your over all approach to the essay lacked a definitive thought pattern and you did not really get your messages across as understandable as it should be. Now, let's get serious about the error correction below:

... in the all DURING THE SAME TIME frame time .

they began the THE BEGINNING rate ...
... f Festival saw a first decline...
... similar levelS.
... when people who ...

On the other hands ,
... visitors, witnessed ...
... continued to incline RISE slightly ...
...number on OF Festival VISITORS ...
... and WAS RELATIVELY relative stable APPROACHING to 2010.

As you can see, the errors in your grammar seem to have been caused by the rushed way that you wrote the essay. It is important for you to relax while writing the essay. Take your time, but leave around 5 minutes of the allotted time to proof-read your work. That is one way that you can avoid the errors that you made in this essay. That will give you time to catch and change any mistakes that you might find prior to submitting your essay.

Writing Feedback / The trend of Outokompu stock price over a five-year period is illustrated in the line chart. [2]

Naufan, the most important part of the formatting requirement of these tests lies in the number of sentences per paragraph. You cannot present a paragraph with less than 3 lines as you did in the conclusion. that paragraph is actually too long to be told in only 2 sentences. You need to learn how to divide long sentences into shorter sentences so that you will always meet the minimum sentence requirement. Aside from that, the essay has only minor grammar issues that need to be addressed:

... stock priceS over ...
... reached the ITS peak...
... end OF 2006...
... HAD almost virtually the ...
... middle OF 2008 before IT jumped dramatically for OVER the next following years.

...then rise ROSE considerably...
peaked at around ...
... experienced a markedly fall ...

... significant improveMENT ...
semester OF 2008...
... which is finished by AT a ...
... like SIMILAR TO the beginning period.

Writing Feedback / The line graph shows the amount of book expenditure for 4 different euro countries; IELTS 1 [3]

The method by which you developed this report creates an authoritative tone for yourself as a reporter. This has allowed you to present the information you took from the illustration in a manner that will have the reader believing that you actually understand what you are talking about.

... different euro EUROPEAN countries; ...
... in BY the end ...
... the last following...

... which the IS ...
... 3 OTHER countries...
there was then a ...
during THE next...
... the France FRENCH PURCHASE trend ...

... saw THERE WAS a...
... there was then a stable to IT STABILIZED IN 2001.
... to finish THE period
... Italy trend fluctuated IN EXPENSE...

The presentation of your English written skills also shows an effort on your part to prove that you have an advanced grasp of the English language. Something that would be appreciated and rewarded by any examiner. Overall, the grammar needs work (as usual) but the content cannot be faulted for its informative value.

Writing Feedback / Task 1 - The line graph shows the data regarding the book's purchased in four European countries [2]

Please avoid double posting the same essay in a single thread. It makes editing the essay difficult. I only edited one version your essay within this thread.

... purchased IN four different country COUNTRIES ...
... obvious pieces of information ...

... purchased stood ...
... years began from ...
... slight rose INCREASE to $90 millions .
... $95 millions in 2005.
It was always became...
... other three country COUNTRIES.

... have a THE same...
France'S book's purchased ...
... but while the ...
However, it was increased ...
Austria'S book's purchased ...
... became exists WAS in the
...$75 millions ...
...was overtook OVERTAKEN BY ...
...Italy'S book's purchased ...

There were no real content problems with your essay. The information was precise and only needed little editing. The language you used was simple enough to convey your explanation. Try to use more complex vocabularies in the next practice essay. You should always work on improving your vocabulary because the more complex English words you use, the better your score result will be.

Writing Feedback / Task 1: Outokumpu Share Price Between 2006 and 2010 [4]

You should practice better word choices. The previous responses were correct when they advised you to use more complex words. Keep in mind that the correct word and term usage will also increase your score chances in the actual test. I have made some suggestions of my own below within the corrections to your essay report.

... Outokumpu companies' COMPANY STOCK price sharing ...
... sharing on the price trend was fluctuated ...

...which WHERE it peaked at 31€.
THE F following years...
Int The end of 2007 also shows...
... the Outokumpu's rate...
... peaked AT the
...stock PRICE after achieved it in a year ago .

...experienced A dramatic
... in THE price rate...
... after hitTING the l
In several months...
... THE corporation's price ...
... it was fluctuated...

Writing Feedback / A breakdown of some alterations to the amount of money spent on books from 1995 to 2005 in Europe [2]

I like the way that you developed this report summary. You were very informative and clear. You also tried to use more complex vocabulary in the presentation of your facts, which is something that will not escape the attention of the examiner. Those are plus points for your essay grade. That said, there are still some grammar issues with your work that need to be addressed, even though it did not have a detrimental effect upon the final outcome of the essay report you developed.

...measured in THE millions of...
... upward over A 10...

...had the A higher...
Germany fell down to...

With regardS to...
... experienced EXPERIENCING a gradual...
... slight jump of IN...
...accretion OF approximately ...

So, good work on the more complex vocabulary and kudos for a well developed report. I hope to see more improvement with your upcoming essays :-)

Writing Feedback / A description of change in the share cost of Outocompu Enterprises measured in Euro (I-XII.2010) [2]

There are instances of lack of clarity within your writing. You seem to have been overwhelmed by the data you were given and you were unsure as to how you had to present it. Confusion sometimes happens but as you progress with your writing exercises, you should become clearer with the presentation of your information. Make sure you always understand what it is you are writing about and, in the case of monetary value such as the Euro, while you can use the Euro sign, it may be best to first spell out the word for the benefit of the readers who do not have any experience with the Euro sign yet.

... of changeS in ...
...European C countries...
...EuroS from ...
...over the giveN period...

...by A sharp increase ...
... witnessed AN unstable ...
trend among art of IN this TIME-frame ...
... significant revive REVIVAL in
...the early subsequent ...

... the rate then suddenly...
a trough LOW POINT at
Over THE remaining ...

Writing Feedback / Task 1: The Percentage of Visitors in Brighton's Festival, Pavillion, Pier and Art Gallery [4]

There are a number of grammar problems that needed to be addressed in the essay. However, the information was still presented in a logical manner that could be understood by the reader with a little effort. You need to pay attention to the way that you structure sentences because you have a problem with your tense usage.

... visitors for TO four ...
. Overall, it can be seen the trend of Pavillion and Pier...
- OVERALL, THE TREND OF VISITORS TO THE PAVILLION AND PIER...
It seemed TO contrast...
... WITH that both patterns...

... rise in THE number ...
which it peaked...
...approximately 48% touristS...
but it still in HAD THE highest ...
...during THE period
... was fluctuated and hit a high of 22% in 2010.

...Festival's n number...
... visitors WAS stable at 28% ...
... if compareD with 1980 FIGURES. ...
... experienced AN dramatical increase in THE percentage

Writing Feedback / Task 1 The Amount of Money Spent on Books in Four Countries in Europe [3]

Erin there is a problem with the essay report that you developed. Although you managed to present the information in the chart. You should not have used the dollar sign in place of the actual word in your essay. That shows a lack of respect for your reader, the data, you are presenting, and indicates a sloppy attitude with regards to your work. Your writing automatically lost is credibility due to that simple as of laziness on your part. Remember, you are writing a professional report, not a Tweet nor a FB status update. So treat it with respect and type in an academic manner at all times.Now, to address the rest of your report:

... in millions $ MILLION DOLLARS.
... there were gradual rises INCREASES...
...but Germany leads LED...

...80 and around 70 respectively.
- Indicate millions of dollars as a reminder of the value being used in the report for the reader.
There THESE was WERE higher
...GermanY experienced a...
... during THE period.
... France was SHOWED a steady rise ...
...THE following ten...

50 and Austria stood at 30...
- Again, indicate the million dollars
...fluctuation and followed ...
around 62 in the end of period.
- You really have a problem remembering to indicate the amount actually spent.

Keep in mind that you have to be consisted when presenting the figures, most specially when in the millions of dollars. The accuracy of your report lies in the keywords that you use properly in the essay.

Writing Feedback / Change in the number of international graduates engaged in eight different Canadian provinces [3]

This is a highly detailed and by far, excellent interpretation of the information you were provided. The discussion is very interesting and the manner of data presentation is very impressive. You have managed to create a very authoritative summary report. Aside from my some grammar problems, I do believe that in an actual test, this would have scored rather highly for you.

Now for some corrections:
... the proportionAL changeS...
... in Canadian CANADA between
... those of International graduates STUDENTS...
the converse REVERSE would ...

... just Alberta witnessed

...than 5.5 % of those,.o Other figures experienced less than 5 %.
...New b Brunswick had ...
... amounting ACCOUNTING for approximately ...

This essay shows a great deal of improvement in your written and analytical English grammar skills. You have come a very long way since your first practice test. You should be ready to take the test in no time :-)

Writing Feedback / Task 1: Outokompu share price between 2006 and 2010 [5]

Yogi, you lack sentences in the introduction in order to qualify it as a proper report summary. You should have reviewed your essay upon completing the written task. If you had done so, you would have noticed that the essay could have been better divided in terms of sentence content in order to meet the minimum sentence requirement per paragraph. You just needed a minimum of 3 sentences per paragraph to have made the overall essay gain a better score.

Please refer to my suggested revisions for your consideration :

.. end OF 2006
and almost virtually WHICH WAS the highest
... IT jumped dramatically...
... for OVER the next following...

...

... a significant improve IMPROVEMENT
... first semester OF 2008
... months in UNTIL 2009,
... until in the middle of 2010.
... was a virtually steady AND to finishED the period at €11.
... that the THE level WAS almost...

Always remember to check your work after you complete the written task to make sure that you have met all the requirements prior to submission for grading.

Writing Feedback / Describing the issue of how do heat and energy waste are releasing to the atmosphere [2]

You have developed your writing style in a very interesting manner. There is a distinct development in your way of analyzing the data that you have been provided with. The grammar use has shown a remarkable improvement and barely needs correction. I believe that you are getting to the point where you should have the confidence to take the test and be assured of passing this section in particular.

Here are my suggested revisions to your word choices:

... energy wasted in WITHIN a...
...outside air will blowS ...
through quite large ...
... in ON the second floor.

...and THE dryer vent...
... THE toilet.
... THE crawl space...
... THE outdoor faucet ...
... of the air into THE HOUSE.
In ON THE other ...
both of THE windows.
... outdoorS will circulate...
... lead to releaseD ...

some THE attics ...
... below THE rooftop
... leaking RELEASING the heat
...release through every single THE attic
... that on above the rooms...

I hope to continue seeing the improvement of your writing over the coming days. Good work :-)

Undergraduate / Syracuse - what influenced you to apply ? My uncle [2]

Kiara, while the influence of your uncle is something that should be seen as the spark that lit your interest in Syracuse, his influence does not seem as character or interest building as it seems to you. Your visit to the campus is acceptable as the logical next step after the influence of your uncle. However, the strongest indication for your interest in Syracuse should be highlighted by your academic inclinations that the university can provide. The main reason or influence should be something directly related to the academic offerings of the university because your uncle could only have helped you imagine what it would be like to be a student at the university, the campus visit could give you a glimpse of life on campus, but it is the academics that should truly entice you to stay and study at the university.

The second question is something that you took literally. The focus of the question is actually on the person that you see yourself becoming in the future and not, as you so simply put it, who the role model in your life is whom you wish to emulate. The clues to the fact that they are asking about your future self are the following:

1. Who is the person you dream of becoming?
2. How do you believe Syracuse University can help you achieve this?

The questions obviously ask you about your ideas as to whom you hope to become in the future after you complete your time as a student at Syracuse.

As for the 3rd question, since Papa Murphy only taught you how to make pizza, and did not build upon the skills that you learned at Paradise Foods, you should not include that discussion in the response. Just offer the most relevant response. The one that covers all of the requirements of the question. One memorable work experience will always be better than 2 semi-important jobs that you had.

Your response to question 4 is good but can be improved. That is supposed to be an intellectual exchange program. So you should provide a response that reflects the same. If you will be learning from others, what do you hope to teach them in return? What world concerns do you hope to help resolve through your experience with the international community that Syracuse can provide you with? Just expand upon your response to better reflect the expectations of the reviewer.

Writing Feedback / The number of females reading books in Burnaby Public Library showed an upward trend (2011-2014) [2]

So far so good Fariz. Your essay does need improvement because of some grammar problems. However, the way that you presented the information was not affected by the grammatical errors. It just needs to be improved and corrected from its original form so that you can learn how to better structure and assess your personal thought patterns. Here is my take on your corrections:

... which WERE read by men ...
... during THE PERIOD OF 2011 ..
... seen THAT men ...
... both of sexes ...

... 10,000 number of books ...
... slight decline ...
- Indicate the estimated figure in order to give complete information in the sentence.

In contrasT, THE men's...
... was hit a ...
... Even it IT EVEN...
In 2013 was ...
... whereas women and ...
... It was peaked ...

The way that you developed the essay was good enough and allowed your to express your ideas in the best way that you know. Your writing style should continue to improve over time provided you continue to regularly practice the writing tests.

Writing Feedback / The percentage of visitors in Brighton's Attractions between 1980 and 2010 - IELTS TASK 1 [2]

Good work Mochtar. The report summary clearly and properly decpits all of the information in the graph chart that was presented to you. The summary is understandable, even in the portions where you English development is choppy and a bit confused / unclear at times. The fact that you used the sign for percentage instead of the whole word made the essay much easier to read and allowed for the proper understanding of each figure that you presented. Now, for a breakdown of your grammar errors, with corrections applied.

... of some alterations CHANGES ...
... a higher peak RATE OF VISITORS ...
than THE three
... Festival attractionS experienced ...

... 50% in the percentage of tourists;
... however, THE Pier attraction
... tourists of TO Pavilion ...

With regard of TO...
... slight dip successively ...
... slightly in the following

Overall, the essay is impressive. Offers up the proper information in a professional manner, and allowed you to show off your English comprehension and written skills to a good extent. Keep up the good work :-)

Writing Feedback / The description of alternation in visitors to the UK Brighton English Attractions (in percent) IELTS [2]

Muhamad, this is a pretty good presentation. It clearly explains the figures that you were provided with and you made an effort to really explain the chart in the clearest possible manner. However, your conclusion needs an additional paragraph to make the conclusion more acceptable. Always adhere to the minimum three sentence requirement in every paragraph in order to further prove your English comprehension and writing abilities.

For the corrections:

...of alternation in visitors...
... WAS measured in percentAGES ...
... period, is presented ...
... visitors had WERE THE predominant ...
... overtaking THE Pavilion ...
... of THE Art Gallery ...
... to IN the rest of THE period ...

... highest percentAGE ...
The F Following year...
... the alternate FIGURES changed...
... that THE Pavilion figure ...
... almost 50 PERCENT ...
... during THE period given...
... periods of last... - Give the specific period in order to give validity to this claim.

...Piers, which presentED...
... 40 and 15 PERCENT ...
... crossed A different ...
... of g Gallery declined ...
... inclined INCREASED to roughly ...

Please be consisted when indicating figures by mentioning that the numbers are the percentage or percent figures presented in the chart. Don't just give the numbers without identifying what it is as it could cause confusion for the reader. The description serves as a reminder of what figures they are looking at.

Writing Feedback / The number of books read by the Burnaby Public Library members between 2011 and 2014 - IELTS 1 [5]

Erin, when you write any essay, keep in mind that the minimum sentence requirement is 3 sentences per paragraph. You have to provide at least three to four paragraphs as well in order to create a complete discussion. Paragraphs aside, only your introduction followed the proper formatting for this report summary.

While there are problems with the grammar, you have managed to completely convey a somewhat understandable report based upon the graph that you were provided. A word of advice, do not summarize all of the paragraphs. Try to present a thorough discussion and understanding of the figures, coming from your point of view, as you present the figures and facts to the reader. Offer the examiner an idea as to how you understand the graph and why you think it was presented in a certain way.

That said, we can now work on correcting the errors in your report.

There was a valueS WERE measured in...
...in BASED ON the number of books BORROWED...
...most obvious pieces ...
...there was an accurately the same point by both in the rate of books read by men and women ...
-WAS THAT MEN AND WOMEN READ BOOKS AT THE SAME RATE IN ...
...around 3,000 books DURING THE SAME TIME FRAME.
...in AT the end ...
... men more than OUTNUMBERED...
...men and which was...
... women was SHOWED a steady...
... and which was...
... in AT... the end

The problems with your essay are easily fixed. You just need to keep in mind that you need to make the paragraphs completely informative. Don't constantly summarize. Save the summaries for the introduction and conclusion of the report. The grammar issues, should be corrected over time, provided you constantly practice your English writing and reading skills.

Undergraduate / My most important accomplishment in terms of past, present, and future self [2]

I can see how your past accomplishments and present self have made strides towards accomplishing accomplishing important acts during your past and present life. However, you made mention of your future self, but you have not made any indication within the essay as to what you envision that future self accomplishment to be.

I believe that this essay would be more complete if you made reference to the idea that you hope to accomplish in the future. After all, it is implied in the title of your essay. By the way, is this for some college application or is it just for English writing practice? There is a world of difference in the way that I should be reviewing this essay based upon where it will or won't be used. Let me know which it is supposed to be? Thanks.

There does not seem to be any sense in referring to your mom and dad at the end of the statement. This essay is not formed in a letter format and the instructions do not make reference to your parents either (based upon the title you provided), so I can't understand why you would close the essay in that manner. Considering, that you did not include any reference to your future self-accomplishments, which is a far more important part of your response.

Revise the end of the essay to refer to your future self and drop the reference to your mom and dad. Making those ever so slight changes will help this response better reflect the title that you chose for it.

Graduate / I am an experienced software engineer - apply for ANU master degree, self- statement [10]

This essay is ready to use should the opportunity to use it at ANU arise. I caution you against submitting a personal statement with your application if the university does not require it. The reviewers do not really pay much attention to additional essays that an applicant submits if they are not requesting for it. They have to analyze more than enough essays that they require from a large number of students per day so if there is additional documentation submitted which is they are not asking for, it will go unread and unnoticed. However, if there is an option for you to submit an optional essay with your other documents and statements, then go ahead and submit this. I am sure it will help your application once they read it.

While I do not want to say that your efforts at trying to differentiate yourself will be wasted since the reviewer will most likely not read this in the event of its submission, I think that you can use this at other universities you are applying to if ever. Remember, the only way to make sure that they will pay attention to the method by which you differentiate yourself from other applicants, is by following their rules and submitting what they require in the most unique, interesting, and informative way that you know how. This essay sets out to accomplish what you want it to do. However, it would be in your best interest to hold off on submitting this to ANU until they actually ask for it.

Undergraduate / My FIRST SALES EXPERIENCE - SMU ESSAY on the highlights of important achievements or contributions [7]

This is a very acceptable revision Gio. The essay now has a sense of purpose and highlights the importance of your contribution to the community that was lacking in the first one. You have managed to shed light on a personal enlightenment, as well as your contribution to the betterment of community life for the people of Bromo. This is an excellent essay to present to the reviewer.

That said, you need to now proof read your content for possible mistakes. I have seen some mistakes in the essay such as mount Bromo which should actually be; Mount Bromo. Proof-read the essay and make sure that you have the most perfect essay that you can submit to the reviewer. I'll get you started on that below:

The bus halted to a screech - THE BUS SCREECHED TO A HALT.
bricks and dirt stand STOOD.
in AT Top Holiday...

taught me TO PREPARE.
in DURING the entire...
scraping their foot FEET...

You should also better format your response by dividing your paragraphs into topics. right now, it is a bit difficult to read because the essay is in a single paragraph format. You should separate the topics so that the reviewer can better process the information that you are delivering. If the eyes of the reviewer find it easy to read, there is a better chance that the reviewer will also remember what he read when it comes time to analyze your application.

Graduate / Personal Statement for MPA programs. It's meant to be 500 words, and convey a couple of things. [2]

Andy, this is a very logical personal statement that clearly explains all of the concepts that you wish to bring forward. I think that at this point. you should pay attention to just strengthening it by creating a more logical flow of discussion and highlighting the most important personal reasons that you have for wishing to follow the path of a person with a Masters Degree in Public Administration. This can be done by creating a more connected relation between Philosophy and your Ehlers-Danlos syndrome condition.

If you can manage to bring up Ehlers-Danlos syndrome in the essay earlier, you will be able to create a more personal reason for the switch in your career path. Imply that it was your illness that led you to study Philosophy. That your condition made you seek answers to the way you and other sufferers are treated, and also made you question why things could not change for the better for you and others in the same boat.

Then switch up the conversation to introduce the fact that it was the question about making things better for the sufferers that helped you realize that you were going down the wrong career path. Explain the logic behind your interest in an MPA in relation to Philosophy at this point. You may find a need to bring up your final paragraph at least to the second or third part of the essay because of this adjustment in content, should you choose to follow it that is.

By creating that flow of discussion, you will also interest the reviewers to " look for a medical addendum that explains my medical problems", as you wish to hint to them. Allowing you to keep the currently second to the last paragraph intact as an effective conclusion to the personal statement.