Undergraduate / UCAS Personal Statement for Biomedical Engineering at a UK university [2]

I believe that you are inefficiently looking at the importance of Math and Chemistry in this case. Biomedical Engineering will require you have an interest in all sciences as they apply to the observations, experiments, and findings that one may have in the field. Therefore, it would be better if you do not indicate one subject preference over another or, 2 other subjects. As a scientist, you may have a preference for one field, but all the math and science fields are relevant to each field. There is no need for you to indicate a preference at this point. As an incoming freshman, you will have to study the relevant classes, that will definitely include some sort of Math and Chemistry in the curriculum. Consider not including such a statement in your personal statement please.

Student Talk / IELTS Exam - How important is it? [14]

The IELTS and TOEFL exams are actually the Gold Standards in testing for English language proficiency testing in the UK, US, Canada, Australia, and some other countries. However, these are not the only language qualifying tests available to students anymore. There are now several other English certification tests that are in play which a student can consider taking.

The most popular of the emerging language certification exams would be DuoLingo. The language app is now also accredited by other colleges and universities across the globe. The company has developed their own simplified English testing system that has become a direct opponent to the TOEFL and IELTS test.

Cambridge Assessment, the creators of IELTS now also offer LinguaSkills, an alternative to the IELTS test that covers academic and professional English proficiency testing. While TOEFL Essentials is a compressed version of the TOEFL test that was created to respond to the changing academic world due to Covid-19 concerms.

All of these tests are officially accepted by specific universities and colleges. If a student wants to take any of these alternative language exam paths, he must ask the target academic institution what alternative English proficiency certification they will accept. As of now, TOEFL and IELTS are still the default accepted English language proficiency certifications.

Whichever language certification a student decides to take, rest assured that EssayForum is prepared to help the student/exam taker prepare for the exam. The exam taker will always be in good hands while reviewing and preparing for any English language certification test as a member of this forum.

Undergraduate / UBC Sauder School of Business - I had changed my lifestyle - Respond to an unfamiliar situation [3]

The way that students adjusted to online academics during the pandemic is the most common application topic this season. It is no longer a topic that makes a student special, has any impressive references, or allows an insight into the uniqueness of a student. It is a tired topic that the reviewer will be a bit weary of reading about already. I would strongly suggest that you find a different topic to discuss. You may still use the lockdown as the foundation of the discussion, but alter the focus from academic adjustment to something else. I am not sure what you can alter it to, that is something you will have to decide. Just make sure that the situation and related discussion will be notable, highlightable, and memorable when the reviewer reads it.

Writing Feedback / Affect of global warming. [2]


The scope of this essay should cover only a general analysis of the provided topic, global warming. This should not include references to other situations such as the pandemic. The writer must restate the prompt as provided. No embellishments, no additional subject references. Avoid restatement alterations as such actions will lower the TA score.


The examiner already knows what the instructions for writing the task are. There is absolutely no need to repeat the writing instructions. There will not be any score applied to that section. What he is looking for are references to how well you understood the discussion requirement through your straightforward responses to the questions or writing focus targets. Such a non-answer reference will further reduce the task accuracy score of the first paragraph.


There is no need to define global warming. The writer needs to only provide the valid cause and solution discussion in this essay.


Do not list several causes, focus on one or two related causes instead. Remember that you will be scored on the clarity of your explanation and validity of your solution presentation. Do not keep writing just for the sake of writing. The response loses meaning when you do that.

The essay is over discussed. This is only a 4 paragraph essay, not a 5 paragraph representation. Even with the 5 paragraph presentation, the writer has not provided well developed explanations in the parasgraphs. His focus was only on the word count rather than the quality of the explanation and the validity of the responses.

Letters / UWC letter of information. Reasons for application & record of extra-curricular & service activities [3]


These are general observations. Try to focus on a specific problem that you wish to help find a solution to in your country. That way, you do not sound like you are trying to take on too much as an undergraduate, whose learning and training will only be basic enough to at least address a simple problem and solutions for it. You need a specific reason, purpose, or motivation in this section.


Aim for the sustainability part. The world peace aspect is a template response and reason for study that has never been proven to be achievable by anybody at this point. For now, focus on what you can contribute to. Say, food development in a sustainable manner (malnutrition solution) or development of alternative medicinal products (healthcare).

Undergraduate / UBC Essay, What is important to you? - Self-improvement is one of the most important aspects [3]


Why? How does this relate to the importance of self-improvement? This sounds like you were only trying to please your mother.


This indicates an obsessive personality on your part. That could be seen as a negative by the reviewer. Why not skip this line and instead, focus on explaining how sports taught you how to value academics as well and give an indicator of you consider your interest in the two as balanced.

Self improvement is not just about accomplishment. It is also about becoming a better person. The essay focuses too much on the importance of accomplishments, with little reference to the lessons you learned with regards to self-improvement. For example, why did you feel a need to improve your community relationship? How is this relevant to self improvement?

Scholarship / Morocco and engineering - HUNGARICUM SCHOLARSHIP [4]


Try to use a more impressive tone in this instance. Rather than referring to a fascination related to automative machinery, try to represent a forward thinking ambition instead. Something that will tell the reviewer that you have a solid career path in mind that you will pursue while a student at the university. Think along the lines of electric cars, the work Elon Musk is doing, what you see as the potential for improvements in the emerging automitive fields, and how you plan to address these through your education and skills training as an undergraduate. Set out to impress.


Stick to the automotive accomplishments. Consider if you will, why Suzuki, a Japanese car brand, would have their Vitara SUV, the prized model of the company, manufactured in Magyar, Hungary, aside from their manufacturing plant in Japan. Show a keen interest in automotive mechanics in relation to Hungarian accomplishments in the field.

Writing Feedback / The line graph illustrates how many tourists made a visit to an island in Caribbean from 2010 - 2017 [2]

Okay. The most effective summary overviews are always written within 3 sentences covering the topic, high trend, low trend information from the graph. The summary presentation of the information is acceptable enoigh. However, the trending information is too much. Rather than just being a summary of the measurement graph, the writer opted to present a comparative discussion already. Something not done in these areas of the presentation.

The writer was given one image to represent in the report. That means, the paragraph number should not exceed 3 covering the summary + trend, data analysis, and comparison presentations. This is the reason why I said that the trending overview was overkill. It went into areas of discussion meant to be in the other 2 paragraphs. There is a demarcation line for information in these presentation paragraphs. Every paragraph has a purpose.

Undergraduate / Diagnosed with ADHD - UBC Personal [2]

Replace the total response. The additional information is to be used for your additional academic information and how these relate to your future academic goals. It is not the place to discuss any extra information about your life Rather, the space must be used to add highlightable information about your academic accomplishments that you may not have been able to present in the previous prompts due to perceived irrelevance to the discussion topic.

The writer may opt to further discuss accomplishments related to dance and other activities in this section, provided it relates to the academic purpose of the student. So the response will really depend upon what the chosen undergraduate major of the applicant is. This must contain academic information and not personal information. The response must relate to additional academic preparations and accomplishments of the student (preferred) that will create the impression of being ready and with a solid early foundation of learning in relation to the chosen major.

While academic accomplishments will be preferred, extra curricular accomplishments might also be considered by the reviewer. It will be best for the writer to balance between the academic and extra curricular in this response since the writer seems to have a keen interest in dance, which, I believe, is an extra curricular activity for him / her.

Undergraduate / UBC Pers. Profile - An important value that has been ingrained in my mindset is community engagement [2]

Community engagement is definitely one of the considerations for this prompt requirement. It is important that the writer engage the reviewer in a discussion regarding the importance of a clear community that he / she belongs to. In this case, the essay should fully develop the importance of the dance community in the life of the applicant. The previous paragraph is just a run down of activities and partcipations. It does not deliver a sense of community and belonging in the same way that the writer speaks of the importance of dance and the dance community in his/her life. I believe that a revision is in order for this essay. Removing the first paragraph and instead, focusing solely on the importance of dance to the writer will be more beneficial in getting to know the applicant on the part of the reviewer.

Undergraduate / Football and MVP - TELL US ABOUT WHO YOU ARE [2]

There are two things that the reviewer will be looking for when he reads the response to the questions posed. The first consideration will be the possible leadership qualities that the applicant may have based on the observation of other people. Why will the reviewer be looking for this in the applicant? He would like to consider the independence of the applicant and his sense of community in the process. Do the people around the person see any leadership traits ( as a son/daughter, friend, student, or during an extra curricular activity engagement) that would make him an asset to the student community? How was this displayed? Hence the "How would your family friends, and or members of your community describe you?" question.

The second consideration will be the substance of the response. Does the observation reflect a positive character that may contribute something of value to the student community? This is where the marked "What you are most proud of" reference comes in. As a person who is seen as a leader by most of his peers, what accomplishment would highlight this sense of respect for the character of the person? How does it bring the character discussion full circle?

The current essay does not really consider the reference questions in relation to what the reviewer will be on the lookout for in an applicant. While there are no right or wrong answers, the more character driven the response, the better the reviewer will get to know you and, the more competitive your application will be when compared to other applicants.

Undergraduate / Developing through experiences- Meaningful activities-UBC essay [3]

This is a highly impressive activity to mention in relation to your chosen major. It would have been more advantageous to you if you had lessened the "we" discussion and focused clearly on the "I" part. As in, discuss your specific contributions to the team and why these were of vital importance. This is one time when the "we" reference is not a benefit to the discussion presentation. In addition to that observation, you also have to mention the person that the reviewer will be contacting to verify this activity. That would be the academic adviser of the team. This may be the teacher / coach, school principal, or any officer of the school who may be able to add information to this statement. Other than these comments, the information presented is quite strong, impressive, and, I believe, worthy of follow up inquiries on the part of the reviewer.

Graduate / Development of energy-efficient devices - PTDF statement of purpose [2]

There is nothing in this essay that would be considered a response to the prompt requirements. Yes, I will agree that you wrote a very good personal statement. However, the PTDF does not require a personal statement for the MSc applicants. What they do require, is a statement of purpose. The content / information for the statement of purpose is clearly defined to the applicant as needing to discuss:

- the reason(s) for the proposed study
- its relevance to the industry
- its expected impact on national development

The supposedly relevant part of the essay, the reference to the induction stove, is not even the applicant's original idea. Rather, it is an idea that he has taken from the work of someone else. That disqualifies the "reason" immediately due to lack of originality. The relevance of the project to the industry is not well developed either. It fails to convince the reviewer that the purpose of the study will have a long lasting and international impact on the field of petroleum development on a national level. The applicant needs to try to develop a new statement of purpose, one that actually aligns with the aforementioned discussion topics.

Undergraduate / My creative side- Tell us who you are-UBC essay [2]

There is a lack of reference to a multi-faceted personality on the part of the applicant. The reviewer is looking for a far more definitive response to "Who are you?" than a 2 sentence reference, devoid of any explanation of this point of view on the part of the observers. I also cannot understand why you are discussing a hobby as something you are proud of. There is no achieving moment that would be described as character driven in that response. It does not tie in with the "who you are" point of view. The achievement should be based on the character of the person or a particular achievement that the people around him/her would consider to be of a notable reference due to his character or motivation for the accomplishment. The accomplishment has to tell the reviewer who you are, based on character, not hobby. Who you are based upon your understanding of yourself does not satisfy the reviewer. He is not interested in how you see yourself. He is only interested in how people view you as a person, child, community member, or student. The response provided is good, but cannot be used in totality for this particular prompt.

Letters / Scholarship Motivation Letter - MA in Business Development / International Economy and Business [2]

The motivation letter sounds more like a personal statement rather than a highly skilled professional interview. The writer was so focused on proving his academic foundation and work experience that he forgot to discuss how all of these tie in with the required requisites of the masters program he is interested in. The essay will emerge as a true motivational letter if the writer instead, offers information that thoroughly highlights accomplishments that could be considered a solid foundation for the course. A clear reference to a publicly known economic problem of the country would also be a better reference to the problem that he hopes to resolve through these studies. The expansive reference of the applicant makes the problem he hopes to solve difficult for the reviewer to assess. There is also a lack of specific reference as to how he hopes to apply these skills upon his return to his country. The overall essay is little prompt responsive, making it a problematic motivation letter. The next version should be less of a personal statement and more of a direct response to each question provided.

Graduate / SOP for SJPES program - UN's sustainable development goals [3]

Reconsider the SOp that you are presenting. The SJPES program is focused on the SDG goals and development of CA nations. With that in mind, the actual purpose of your studies must reflect a current and relevant SDG 2030 program, specific to your country. It must build upon the existing work of the fellows so that a natural progression of SDG development from one scholar to the next will be seamless. Review the SDG 2030 program of your country and choose one that would eventually tie in with your masters course interest. Sustainability on what level?

The program is highly focused on only awarding 8 scholarships to students who show a true ability to promote the SDG programs of their country, based on UN qualifiers, with a definite and usable contribution to the program. The importance of E-books does not seem to suit a specific SDG program that would prove the importance and sustainable contribution to the SJPES fellowship goals. Your career goals are not aligned with the program.

I realize you said that it is in the almost final form already and you do not want to change anything about this draft aside from wording. That is a sad thing because, as far as I can tell, based on the program requirements, you are over reaching in trying to make a connection here because of the lack of actual SDG development program in your country as the specific focus of your purpose to attend this program.

Writing Feedback / Purchasing printed magazines, books may be dispensable since we can read all the information online [3]

The first sentence is a personal opinion of the writer that is not related in terms of restatement requirements to the original topic. This should not be present in the prompt restatement + opinion paragraph. This particular section, based on the original presentation is only a 2 sentence restatement. One topic restatement and the extent opinion of the writer should comprise this paragraph's requirements. So only the last 2 sentences will receive a score while a deduction will be applied for the inclusion of the first sentence.

As for the reasoning paragraphs, only one of the 2 presentations will recieve a score. That is because the response format chosen by the exam taker is incorrect. He opted to use a comparison format when the essay is a single opinion essay only. As a single opinion essay, the 2 paragraphs must offer strong supporting evidence for the writer's extent response. No deviations or change of opinion midstream. The examiner will only score the supporting reasoning paragraph. Deductions will again be applied for incorrect response formatting. The essay will also be considered lacking in development due to the missing 2nd supporting discussion. The essay is well on its way to a failing score at this point.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 : Many people believe that international tourism is a bad thing for their countries [3]

The reason your teacher only gives feedback and not a grade or score for your writing is simple. The teacher does not want to mislead you into thinking that you are at a writing level of a particular band score when the examiner may assess you differently during the actual test. The best we can do as consultants is offer you potential scoring results based on the indivual sections. The idea is to present you with the clear reasons why you should focus on specific areas of development in your writing. Not to give you an idea of how you might score during the actual test. That service however, is done privately at this forum rather than in public to protect the student from public scrutiny. That is also the reason why we do not allow fellow students to publicly score other students. Fellow students do not have any actual training that will allow them to properly assess your work.

The first problem with this essay is the word count. You must never write more than 300 words for the Task 2 essay because of the 40 minute writing limitation. Since you have to make sure that you have time to review, correct, and perfect the explanation you are presenting, you must never write more than this number of words. Additionally, longer essays tend to create forced errors on the part of the student. You will make more GRA, LR, and C&C errors because of the mistaken belief that longer essays will score better. It actually has the opposite effect. Longer essays could force a failing score that could have been avoided with a shorter piece.

The next reason that this essay is in error is because of the missing thesis statement. Notice the direct questions being asked in the prompt? These are meant to direct the clear writing of your essay by forcing you to summarize a response to each question. Thereby creating topic sentences and writing guides for the 2 reasoning paragraphs. The essay actually does not meet the writing requirements in the TA section because of these missing responses. You also changed the topic from "bad thing for their country" to "disadvantages" which is an incorrect discussion basis. The wrong keyword synonym was used, causing a lowering of the LR score.

There are even more problems with this essay that could be pointed out but I need to shorten my review at this point. All I can tell you is this, the paper you have written will not recieve a passing score. If you want a point by point review and possible scoring reference for this paper, then you will have to contact me privately for it.

Scholarship / "My academic objectives, long-range goals & why particular college". --- College Scholarship Essay [2]

The academic objectives are too vague. These need to be more specific to your progessional goal upon graduation. The response contains too much word filler at the start. It does not really provide a clear response to the prompt because it was wasted on an irrelevant introduction / opening sentence. Since this is a word limited statement, you need to make sure that you immediately go into an academic goals discussion. One that will clearly tie in with your ambitions. You can either start with your ambition statement first, then explain how your academic goals are affected by this target or, use the reverse of the presentation. Just make sure that the goal ties in with the result or vice versa. Talk of the mid - term goal rather than confusing the reviewer with a short and long term goal. College is always meant to respond to the medium range plans of the student so the idea of becoming a tech entrep would fit in best with the academic goals. Long range plans will require masters courses and PhD studies, so aim for the middle instead, indicating that college is only the first step in your plans.

Scholarship / SOP FOR PTDF SCHOLARSHIP - CYBERSECURITY; proposed study reasons, relevance and impact [2]

The discussion is too broad in concept. It must be narrowed down to the relevance of the proposed study to the national need of the applicant's country. Why the need to protect this particular field? How does it affect the country every time an attack is launched? How are these attacks launched? Why does it bother the applicant? What solution does the applicant propose to solve the problem? What is the relevance of the masters course, its training, and the potential research of the student to the problem he wishes to solve?

More than half the essay is irrelevant in scope and content because this is a prompt specific response essay. The answer should focus only on the 3 provided questions. Nothing more, nothing less. The student has to start over with his response. Delete this version and respond to the provided questions alone. The applicant must not give unrequired information as it will automatically disqualify the applicant from consideration.

Scholarship / Stipendium hungarcum motivation lettre -masters's computer science [2]

The application is weak. It is focused on academic and training skills development as an undergraduate. It does not represent professional skills as it would apply to the masters course considerations. The references provided in terms of interest local, national, and international concerns, are required by the prompt cannot be found in the presentation. The applicant is focused on only 2 aspects of the original prompt, the academic foundation and why the student has chosen to study in Hungary. The reviewer will not be able to properly assess the applicant's oral interview due to its unresponsiveness to other required information considerations. As such, this essay cannot be used for the application. This is only a draft that needs to reflect additional elements of the original prompt. Otherwise, the student may be disqualified from the scholarship consideration.

Letters / My candidacy for enrolment in the Stipendium Hungaricum program; computer science masters [2]

The first paragraph is totally unnecessary. The motivation letter should go direct to the point because the reviewer expects to get an information based presentation for this motivating letter. Start with an immediate discussion. The reviewer can do away with redundant pleasantries and irrelevant introductions. He already knows why you are writing the letter. Get to the point already. Yes, reviewers tend to get impatient with letters that are too respectful. You can be respectful while starting the presentation.

The letter itself does not inform the reviewer about the academic background of the applicant in relation to the course requirements of the masters course. Neither does it present a solid professional background in relation to the undergraduate course. Which makes it difficult for the reviewer to believe that the applicant has an applicable background in relation to the course(s) of choice. The applicant only speaks of internships, which are normally associated with undergraduate training programs, not professional experience in the field covering at least 2 years that would indicate a professional preparedness for the course. Internships cannot be considered in place of professional experience.

Writing Feedback / There is a common trend that people in some countries prefer purchasing over renting a house [2]


This is a prompt misinterpretation. There is no reference to a developing trend in the original topic basis. It only indicates that it is a common practice. This shows that the writer has a problem with English comprehension skills. The "trend" may be a writer's personal opinion and therefore, should not be included in the prompt paraphrase section.


The writer has just failed the essay. His task response has not met the question response requirement. It also does not meet the discussion format considerations. The question is asking the writer to write single opinion response to the question. He cannot use a comparative discussion format because the question is asking him to explain why his chosen opinion is the correct opinion for this question.

The writer will get a failing TA score at this point, making it difficult to achieve a base passing score since there are tremendous task deductions that will be applied to the preliminary score. There is no clear writer's opinion presented based on the discussion requirement, which is the primary reason for the failing score of this presentation.

Undergraduate / UBC TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF ESSAY- "Passion over Comfort" [3]

When stating how your family, friends, and community members would describe you, it would be insufficient for you to just use one sentence for each consideration. An explanation regarding the description would help showcase the character perception these people have of you. The more authentic the explanation, the more the reviewer may tend to believe your statement. Most specially if it will relate to that one thing that you are proud of about yourself.

It is not necessary to overextend the explanation of what you are most proud of. It should not occupy the majority if the presentation. Remember, you should only choose one thing that you are most proud of. This should relate back to the character discussion as based on how people describe you. This is the section where you explain one of your character traits that you feel you should be most proud of because it sums up all of the character observations the other people have about you.

Letters / Stipendium Hungaricum Motivation Letter - Master's in International Business & Economics [2]


When you say "stint", do you mean as an intern? Or as a regular employee who participated in daily activities of the organization? There is a vagueness to this reference that could confuse the consortium reviewers. Please revise this section for specifics and clarity.


Is this the global development challenge you hope to address? You have not framed the discussion in that way so it does not come across clearly as referring to this specific prompt topic. Please do not infer, rather, be blunt when it comes to addressing the prompt topics. That way nothing gets misunderstood by the reader.

There is no reference as to how the studies will help you apply improvements to the market once you return to your country. Observing the problems as you did in the opening statement is not the same as explaining how you hope the studies will help you address the problems of your country upon your return. This should tie in with your career growth and global problem resolution.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 1: The proportion of passing the driving test between males and females in one Asian country [6]

When writing the summary overview, you cannot use the same presentation pattern as the original. When you retain this much original wording and referencing style in your presentation, the examiner will consider this a cut and paste of the original and give the task accuracy of your summary paragraph a failing score. Make sure to change the presentation in totality, without retaining any keywords or presentation method from the original. Where the original has 1 sentence, use 3 sentences for your version. Change it up to score better.

Good work on varying the trending statement position. Placing it at the end of the analytical paragraph shows that you have truly considered all of the information presented and used the data to come to a logical trending explanation.

The presentation is a report analysis, not an opinion statement. Therefore, the conclusion is not needed. A conclusion is only required for opinion essay presentations. Do not mix up the essay formats, you will lose points for incorrect presentation formatting.

Scholarship / MOTIVATION LETTER - pursuing the BSc Earth Sciences program under Stipendium Hungaricum [2]

The first paragraph is only flowerly language that does not move your application along with useful information. It is a creative introduction, but unnecessary for the purpose of the motivation letter. Instead, move up the second paragraph and polish it to the point where it can actually showcase your life experience as the motivating factor / influential event that led to your interest in the undergraduate course.


Do not imply that you want to work in Europe, using the scholarship as a launching platform. That will not be very well accepted by the people reading the motivation letter as you seem to have an alternative focus for your application that is not supported by the scholarship. Instead, discuss how the studies will be beneficial to your country once you return to work for your geological department / agency.

You seem to be missing a discussion point. Where is the global application of your studies that relate to a particular development challenge or need at the global, national, and/or local level? What particular international weather disturbance do you hope to solve in relation to a developmental challenge? Think along the lines of La Nina and its accompanying weather patterns / disturbances that have an international effect. La Nino may also be referenced since it relates to the spiking heat levels every summer that costs lives and loss of crops due to drought. While La Nina loses crops due to severe flooding. Think along these lines.

Graduate / European Master in Public health with a specialization in Advanced Biostatistics and Epidemiology [2]

The first paragraph should be completely removed. It sounds very amateurish. Almost as if you are applying to college rather than to an international masters scholarship program. That presentation is not only confusing to read, but also little applicable to the discussion requirements as outlined by the prompts.


Focus on the effects within your country alone. Your aim is to improve public health services in your country, not the world. Focus on what is truly important and where the learned information will be applied. Discuss the data as it affects the health of your national or local population.


Mention the specific programs you studied as is applies to both coursers. Discuss your research as if it were to be considered as a part of your future thesis. A continuing research program based on your previous results would be of note to the reviewer if you can explain why it is important to continue your research.

The suggested changes will require you to revise the other paragraphs as well so that you will not exceed the maximum word count. Please note that you should review your essay, in this case, for potential irrelevant discussions or exceeding explanations or examples of your learnings and skills. Be precise with information where needed. Avoid any general references since the reviewer needs specific information to consider in relation to your CV expanded explanations.

Scholarship / Motivation letter for Stipendium Hungaricum - BSc Computer Science [2]


Since this is your only opportunity to impress the reviewers with the importance of your goal, be definitive in presenting it. Right off the bat, tell them what the goal is, why it is important, and how it will affect your future. Summarize the detailed explanation to follow because the reviewer will use the summary to assess if your letter is worth reading to the end or not.


Good show for the development of your interest. There is a good reference to the extra curricular advancement of your interest by joining the school club. The problem is, you have not done enough to show that you are actually passionate about learning about coding. Beyond the regular classes in school and the club membership, there are no notable achievements, awards, or participation in the coding world to highlight the degree of your passion and possible success as a future programmer. You only present a very basic interest in it actually, based on what I have read in the paragraphs so far.

There is no clear connection in your statements regarding the relevance of your hobby, the mental wellbeing of your FB page members, and coding / informatics. Add more information to the point where the connection can be made back to Computer science.

Undergraduate / Wish to further develop my skills - Application essay for United World College [2]


Remove this paragraph as it is devoid of an actual response to the prompt. You need not provide a general opinion statement on the usefulness of the mission and values of UWC since there is no reason to do so. Respond to the prompt only, avoid paragraph fillers that will not help in the assessment of your relationship with the UWC core objectives.

The UWC mission is related to being an anti-racist, diverse, equitable and inclusive institution. I do not get a sense of this in your essay. It appears that you did not do factual research on UWC. You did not go beyond the opening page of their website, hence the irrelevant discussion response that you presented. The objective of the university? To help the youth and future leaders in training understand that "You are needed" to help create an equal world. How do you aim to help spread the information that the youth are needed to change the way our world is today while a student at UWC? Factor in these considerations then revise your response to reflect these UWC goals.

By properly discussing your ideas regarding the UWC values and objectives, you should be able to revise your contribution statement as well to help reflect how sustainability fits into the mission and values statement.

Scholarship / Motivation Letter for Erasmus Mundus Master in Economics of Globalisation and European Integration [3]


Being a masters degree applicant, the expectation is that all of your interests in the course as based upon work experience references. These include a heightened interes in advanced studies based on exposure on the job, your desire to solve a problem within the field in your nation, and a specific lack of skills due to limitations of your undergraduate degree. Remove the high school reference in totality. Open with the second paragraph instead. That contains a better and shorter reference to your professional interests and motivation. Edit the second paragraph to become the opening statement.

While receiving training is something to take note of, the lack of educational discussion in relation to your current career interests and future goals (as it applies to the program) are sorely lacking. The motivational letter does not contain any informational references, only your observations of the global economy. An observation can only be acceptable once tied in with the other educational and professional motivations of note. None of which you provide.

You do not provide any actual skills that you can bring to the program. Your interpersonal skills are not discussed. The essay is nothing more than an observational piece. It is not a letter of motivation. You have not convinced me / the reviewer that you will be a proper fit for the program you have chosen to study. In your desire to avoid repeating your CV information, you ended up with a useless motivational letter instead. Surely there are other aspects of this prompt that you can respond to with additional information.

Scholarship / Topik level - Language Study Plan for GKS G [2]


This is an event that is still to happen. Change your time frame reference to future tense presentation. While the reviewer will understand that you are ESL, you must make an effort to show that you can deliver correctly formatted simple English sentences.


What happened to the development of your Chinese language use with online friends? If you are not particularly keen to develop your Chinese skills, which would be a waste if you ask me, then do not include it in the list of languages that you are currently learning.


Try not to refer to TOPIK in the essay if you have not taken it yet. You can always take the test when you complete the 6 month language course in Korea, if you are accepted into the scholarship. Do not make assumptions because the reviewer might look for evidence fo that. By the way, since you are taking English in your school, you have the option to submit an alternative language proficiency certification ( in this case, for English). Look into that if you want to get a better chance of consideration based on language proficiency.

By the way, you dropped 2 language learning possibilities upon your arrival in Korea. You cannot exclude those languages because you mentioned it as part of your pre-arrival program. It must be included in the post arrival language learning path as well.

Undergraduate / Understanding and introspection - UBC personal profile [4]

I cannot review this essay properly because you uploaded the wrong content in your post. The title refers to the UBC "Tell us who you are..." but you are discussing "beliefs and values" in this essay. Since this is still a valid essay for your application, I will review the essay based on the "values and beliefs" topic. You can upload the "Who you are" essay with a more creative title so that it will not be deleted by the mods for being a new essay on the same topic.

You have to decide which of the 2 discussion topics you uploaded will be discussed as a belief and which will be a value that you adhere to. These have to be discussed in 2 saeperate paragraphs covering 2 different types of character focus on your part. Now, I have to be honest with you and say that the choices for the response you have made are not really recognized as normal beliefs and values but, I understand that you are trying to think out of the box here by providing more creative responses. That is why you need to find a way to convice the reviewer that understanding and introspection can be viewed as a belief (understanding) and value (introspection). Otherwise, the reviewer is not going to be convinced of your unique presentation. Seperate that discussions so you can develop it within the vein of the discussion requirements.

Scholarship / Stipendium Hungaricum motivation letter - MSc of Cognitive Neuroscience less than 400 words [3]

One aspect of this essay that needs further development would be the reference to why the university was chosen and why you wish to study in Hungary. Both aspects need you to explain how the advancements in Neuroscience, specifically, the contribution of Hungarian scientific minds, to the past, current, and future development of this field. An interest in cutting edge, innovative, and developing studies at the university would be of help as well. It would help create a related foundation for your interest in coming to Hungary and studying at the university.

Your career plans are presented in a more threshed out manner. What is your current career position? Are you working at your alma mater? Is that why you are interested in improving these specific programs at the university? Where do you see your career going after completing the masters course? Is there a promotion on the horizon for you? Please develop a clearer explanation of the value of the masters course to your profession.

Writing Feedback / Some people think governments should be spent on their proroties. Discuss both view, give opinion [2]


You have added personal information to the topic rephrasement. This has changed the topic focus for the essay and affected the accuracy of your topic restatement. The topic restatement is a failure. Your personal opinion response is also incorrect since you are using an extent essay response in a single opinion essay that requires you to discuss both views and offer a solid single, rather than comparative opinion. Opinion statement failure.

This essay requires that the writer know how to explain the reasons for certain public opinions based on a public perspective, while offering a personal opinion for each public option. That is the response format that most adheres to the prompt requirements for the discussion. The writer has opted to use a personal opinion throughout the essay instead, thus not following the expected response format. The writer has shown an unfamiliarity with the prompt formatting requirements at this point. He has not provided an essay that would get a passing score. He must familiarize himself with various response prompts and response formats prior to moving forward with his practice tests. Without that familarity, he will be unable to deliver the correct restatement, opinion, and discussion requirements to achieve a passing score.

Undergraduate / Learning from people around me - UBC application [2]

While you are discussing an interesting story about how acne made you a better person, that is not the point of this essay. We are talking about a question that should be discussing varied facets of your character in relation to the way you deal with and communicate with people around you. Drinking a bathtub full of water and saying that it refers to to "consistency" is not the way a teacher should be viewing you. The observation from your teacher should come from an academic or teamwork standpoint, the same as the the community or friends opinion should come from how you treat others or help them out. The reference to your parents is badly missing in this essay so you have to fix that reference as well.

By the way, you cannot use acne as a reference to being prouud about the lesson(s) you learned from it. Mostly because the requirement is for one single proud moment that shows a notable accomplishment on your part. It does not relate to seperate incidents of what you may consider to be learning moments. Learning moments as not the same as "proud moments" or a proud moment as referred to in this essay.

Graduate / Motivation for science and engineering - SOP for GENIAL GrEen NetworkIng And cLoud computing program [3]


You just lost the sense of personal conviction in this essay. This reference only carries weight on the part of the remover if this is stated as a personally known factor belief on your part. Rephrase the presentation to better establish an opening motivational paragraph.


Based on what factors ? You are not convincing the reviewer at this point.


Give your personal opinion instead What is your interest in these studies and how does it drive your motivation. The motivation must be found in the first part of the letter.


Irrelevant. Go directly to your current profession as it applies to your course of interest. Make sure the undergrad, professional exposure, and course interest shows a clear connection between the 3.


You have taken too long to get to your motivating discussion The reviewer may not read this far into your presentation. Do not make him search for the motivation. He is not going to do that.

Letters / Self-help books - MOTIVATION LETTER [2]

The letter is filled with impressive and almost unrealistic career goals. That does not matter so much though. It proves you have a career plan. The problem, is that you have not managed to connect your previous studies and current career experience with the candidate requirements of your chosen course. Too much ambition without enough foundation will also create a weak application. The prompt requirements were not totally addressed due to the severe future ambition presentation. Review and revise those parts. Allow yourself a chance to deliver full responses to all the needed discussion points. The essay will be stronger and more impressive once the representations balance out. Balancing the content will require a new version of the essay to be written. Not a draft edit, a new essay, written from scratch.

Scholarship / Stipendium Hungaricum motivational letter - The magic and beauty in Mathematics [2]


This line is what should set the tone for your motivational letter. This compresses both the academic and career goals that direct your interest in the undergraduate course. Use these as seperate discussion points to convince the reviewer of your love for numbers and interest into turning it into a career.


This is only a motivational letter. It does not need to present negative information. Focus only on motivating factors and the strength of your interest. This is not the place to tell the reviewer why you should not be a candidate. You want your motivation to be strong and convince the reviewer of the validity of your motivation and career goals.

Try to use a stronger reason to study in Hungary. The current presentation of that consideration is not convincing.

Undergraduate / Self respect and life lesson - WHAT IS IMPORTANT TO YOU? [2]


This introduction is unnecessary. Since you are limited in character/word count, and the reviewer needs a prompt response, open with a direct response instead. After the direct response, you can expand your explanation as much as the word allowance allows.


Start here immediately.

The second paragraph carries a heavy similarity with the " How would your parents... " prompt response. You cannot duplicate the responses. One of the essays will need to change its response content.

The final paragraph is the strongest presentation here.Try to find away to incorporate it into the first paragraph or, make it a second paragraph. The other option is to lengthen this paragraph to make it a stronger closing statement.