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Posts by angga93
Name: Anggadia Shinta Wardani
Joined: Jan 28, 2016
Last Post: Oct 12, 2016
Threads: 42
Posts: 60  
From: Indonesia
School: Universitas Gadjah Mada

Displayed posts: 102 / page 1 of 3
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angga93   
Feb 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / The pattern of hybrid cars sale (2006-2008) was dominated by USA, while Japan controlled year 2009. [2]

The bar chart compares the number of global hybrid vehicle sales in Japan, the United States and other countries from 2006 to 2009. It is noticeable that the total sales of the vehicles in 2009 was virtually double the number of that in 2006. The pattern of sales during 2006 until 2008 were dominated by the US, while in 2009 Japan showed global domination of transport sales.

To begin, the first three years during that period of time witnessed similar pattern, which was most of vehicles that use both fuel and electricity were sold by the US. The number of global sales stood at 360,000 in 2006. US contributed 250,000 of that, whilst Japan and other countries sold slightly above 50,000 transportation. 2007 saw the largest sales by US, which was 300,000. However, in the next year this number was smaller, and meanwhile Japan and other countries steadily rose from the beginning.

Turning to the one with different pattern, in 2009 Japan sold most number of hybrid transport, which was aproximately 325,000 units. Moreover, the total sales of vehicles around the world was two times larger than those in 2006.



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angga93   
Feb 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / I strongly believe that inventors play the same significant role as doctors. IELTS TASK 2 [3]

_______ doctors are more essential than inventor . (inventors) plural must be compared with plural
_______ to buy medicine need doctors' receipt (receipts)________ it must be plural because there are many doctors who give their receipts
_______the existence of inventors is also needed in this (human's) life including in the medical sector.______ --> i think human's life or people's live is more suitable for academic writing
angga93   
Feb 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / DISCUSSION ABOUT INTERNET BASED COURSE AND ATTENDING LECTURE IN UNIVERSITY [2]

_______influenced many aspect of human life (human's life)______ : possessive for human = human's
_______specifically (at) education field_______ : needs preposition
_______education field, (insert a connector here) several universities has applied_______: needs a connector to combine the sentences
.Some state (a. states) that (b. use) internet based learning________ : a. "some" always followed by plural noun; b. the clause needs a verb

_______ that student should attend the (a) university _______ : university is not specific yet, cannot use "the"
.In my point of view(,) I would argue that _______ : usually with a comma
angga93   
Feb 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2: my view about the usefulness of doctors versus inventors [2]

Inventors are not as important to society as doctors. To what extent do you agree whit this statement?

Every occupation has different importance. However, some people argue that compared to doctors, inventors are less important to society. I completely disagree with this view. Although doctors play an important role in society's health, I believe that there are no particular profession that has bigger importance than the others.

It is no doubt that doctors are significant to improve human's health. It relate to their duty to cure diseases, even the most terrifying one. For example, many doctors were involved to tackle ebola pandemic in Africa a couple years ago to prevent the virus spread away freely. In addition, early diagnosis of several other devastating diseases, such as diabetes, cancer and internal organs malfunction are very important because the medical treatment are better to be performed as soon as possible.

However, it is not a good atitude if society forget the effort of inventors. In medical point of view, many of them also contribute a lot to human's quality of life. Without the invention of medical devices, doctors cannot perform their duty properly. For instance, Rwilhelm Rontgen, a german physicst, invented one of the most distiguished medical apparatus and technique which was called the x-ray photography in 1895. His invention has been used by doctors around the world until these days and is very helpful to spot any damages inside a human's body. As a result, more accurate medication process can be applied to ill people so that a lot of lives can be saved. All in all, inventors also play very important role in society.

To sum up, it is evident that inventors' work are as important as the doctors' even it is seen from medical point of view only. It will be good if society can appreciate every professions because it cannot be denied that each one of them has improved their quality of life in a very different way even though some people cannot notice it.
angga93   
Feb 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / Colors come to manufactures and retail companies' goods in order to attract purchasers [3]

overall, it's a good essay. i find some minor mistakes. hope it is helpful

Therefore, colors are placed in goods in order to get large income

: i think this sentence doesn't strongly link to previous statement.

Eva Meizara Puspita dewi (Dewi)

: a small mistake in capitalization

another party influencingpeople desire (people's desire) to purchase goods is price

: the desire of people, needs possessive form of people

r..
priority to their primary needs than advance needs even thought (though) such magnificent items attract people attention

:thought is used in past simple, while the rest tense of this sentence are present form
angga93   
Feb 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: COLOUR EFFECT ON PEOPLE LIVES - particularly on patiens and workers [2]

Apparently, more people particularly patiens

: is that suppose to be "patients"?

patiens and workers tend to be influenced by colours when it comes to work performance and health

: inconsistency of words' order (health shall be in the first place because it relates to patients, which is is mentioned first)

Apart from discussion, i argue that more doctors with high qualification influence people health.

: out of topic, does not related with main idea
angga93   
Feb 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / The annual books expenditures in Germany, France, Italy and Austria from 1995 to 2005 (in million $) [3]

The line graph ilustrates the annual books expenditures in Germany, France, Italy and Austria from 1995 to 2005, and is measured in million US dollars. It can be seen that although all four countries had an upward trend in the amount of money spent on books, Germany and Italy showed a slight drop in a decade.

Austria and France seem to raise their books expenditures consistently over a ten-year period. For more detailed analysis, in 1995 Austria spent $30 for books, which was the least amount among the three other european countries. This amount steadily increased during four following years then it remains unchanged until 2001. Interestingly, in 2003 this county beated Italy in the amount of books expenditures because of a significant jump by $20 and this amount tended to rise until reach a peak at $70 in 2005. Meanwhile, France experienced a steadier upward trend, which showed a small increased of $20 in the end of the peroid.

Although Germany and Italy also spent much money on books in 2005 compared to the beginning, these countries saw a small drop. German tended to spend the highest amount of money on books. In the beginning, the amount stood at $80 and rose until 1999. However, it saw a fall by $5 in 2003 and rose again to $95. On the other hand, Italy experienced its small plunge in 1999 then the amount steadily increase to more than $60 in 2005.



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angga93   
Feb 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / The Pie Chart Compares Common Advantages and Dissadvantages of Firmon Island, According to a survey [2]

Overall, this description is understandable because it differ the explanation into 2 groups.

The pie charts compares (compare) the most common benefits and drawbacks of Fairmont Island

: subject-verb agreement

Four different aspect for both of views was used to collects (to collect) the data which measured in percentage.

: of = unnecessary ;after "to" always back to basic form of verb

the most common merit showed in Fairmont Island's people and scenery with (a) slight different proportion

the people attitude in Fairmont Island experienced in (the) biggest proportion in (which was) two-fifths (of all).

:superlative always need article "the", not preposition

accommodation and culture only bring (brought) a little advantage in 12% and 11% respectively.

angga93   
Feb 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: living in high-rise apartment does not decrease people's sense of community [2]

Some people say that living in a high-rise apartment block is a lonely experience because there is no community spirit. Others say that people who live in high-rise apartments have a much better sense of community than those who live in houses. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

The places where people live sometimes influence the way people behave in their community. Some people believe that people who live in high-rise apartments tend to be more active in community compared to those who live on the houses, while the opposite argue that flats occupants more likely to ignore each other. Although it is true that appartment inhabitant does not have much time to interact with each other, there are several reasons which make me believe that they do not lose their community spirit.

Living in an apartment building often associated with lonely experience, because most of flat dwellers are busy people who have very little free time. In fact, virtually 70% of flat block occupants in Pasadena are commuters which have average amount of work-time about 12 hours in every weekday. As a result, these people rarely have free time to serve the community because they do not have enough opportunity to discuss it with the other people. Overall, many people who live in flats rarely involved in community services because most of them have hectic lifestyle.

On the other hand, there are some people who believe that community spirit of high-rise appartment dwellers are not less than that of houses inhabitants because flat buildings accomodate heterogenous society. First of all, flat occupants have a wide range of ages, which make the inhabitants often see directly what the older people suffer from and spontaneously try to help them. It is also hard for difable people to go to their flats by theirseves, and the pople they met in the corridor of lift frequently help them. Moreover, they have different economical status so that there are many weathy occupants who give charity to their poor neighbours.

In conclusion, although high-rise appartment dwellers rarely have free time to be active in many social programs, but the flat circumstances can raise their sense of community. In my opinion, people who are frequently doing small action to help other people represent higher level of community spirit than those who are involved once in a big charity program.
angga93   
Feb 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS - WRITING TASK 1 - estimated world illiteracy rates, separated by area and sex [2]

The bar chart illustrates estimated world literacy rates which is separated by (suggestion: based on) region and by gender in 2000.

At first glance it is evident that, female illiteracy rates was the higher than male illiteracy (suggestion:that of male ) in all of areas, but the highest rate is in South Asia, either woman or man (must be plural)

To begin, developed countries was (had) the lowest rate in illiteracy, either male or female (you use this form in the previous sentence, try to use another one).

It stood at around 1%. : it's too short

Also, the other areas such as Latin America/Caribbean had a slight rates roughly 10% and 20%.

witnessed a significant difference between women and man (plural cannot connected with singular by "and"), with rates 30% in woman and 50% in man . (must be plural )

female illiterates (illiterate females ) were higher than male

Arab states was also had a dramatic number (the idea is not clear ) among two gender with 29% and 52% respectively.

The highest rate of illiteracy was in South Asia, approximately 35% in women and 55% in man . (plural-singular )
angga93   
Feb 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / The new phenomena in this world - the increased crime among young people in many countries [3]

Hello Adie, you have some interesting ideas written in this essay and the flow is easy to follow. Unfortunately, your thesis statement not enough to represent what you will describe in your essay. It will be good to mention the essence of your body paragraphs so that the reader can easily imagine what the content is.

Increasing (The increase ) of divorced (suggestion: divorce rate ) in several countries is most support (this word choice has a positive meaning, try to find another ) the youngster become a lawbreaker

Based on Serious Youth Crime organization,

This information helps them to understand the consequences

the major reason for crime rate grow (growth) on adolescent are

I also find some capital letters which is used in the wrong places
angga93   
Feb 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: transport mode used by traveler in a European city [3]

The bar chart compares the percentage of traveler who used four different types of transport in a European City between 1960 and 2000. Overall, the illustration covers two major transportation mode, which was using fuel and man-powered. Compared to motorized transport, people seem to lose interest in zero-emission transportation mode within the 4 decades.

According to the data, vehicles (bus and car) had become a very popular choice for travelling during this period of time. In fact, only slightly above 5% of travelers used cars and bus passengers just under one-fifth of all tourist in 1960. However, those two number showed a sharp increase in 1980, especially car users which jumped to more than 20%. Although in 2000 the proportion of people who used buses experienced a fall of 10%, a significant growth in the number of car utilizers caused automobiles became the most popular transport mode in the end of the period.

The number of touristss who choose to bike or walk had a noticeable downward trend. 1960 witnessed a huge percentage of travelers using bicycle and walking, which were 25% and 34% each. Twenty years later, both numbers declined especially the proportion of walker which plunged drastically. Finally, in 2000, bicycle became the least popular among other types of transport due to a sharp drop in the percentage.



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angga93   
Feb 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / Agree or disagree: Technology has made children less creative than they were in the past. [5]

Hello crystal... i admire your writing. the flow is easy to follow and you successfully construct some complex sentence. however, i think your first body paragraph does not strongly link to the introduction. In my perspective, in the first paragraph you state that uniqueness and enthusiasm of children inventors are influenced by technology, but i cannot find this influence in the next paragraph. In addition, i suggest to write some reason why the people assumed that technology is a distraction for young people so that the readers do not have to figure it out by themselves. For your future post, please don't forget to include the task. good job :)
angga93   
Feb 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / Many people strive to maintain a successful career and happy family life at the same time. [2]

Hello Saputra, I think you try too much reducing your sentences. I think it makes the sentence overcomplicated and hard to understand.

Chronic stress is a negative responding (response) of human body to any kind of over demand

which in (is) likely causes divorce in family and decrease dramatically capacity of work.

and decrease dramatically capacity of work (suggestion: dramatically decrease work capacity )

A 2012 Leeds University carried out the research asking people driving while singing a song
suggestion: In 2010, Leeds University carried out a research ...... or
A 2012 Leeds University research .......


people should first focus on one area in order to completely gain it in order to prevent their relation in both family and work
using same words in 1 sentence = confusing
angga93   
Feb 4, 2016
Student Talk / Hi everyone! Welcome at EssayForum thread. [414]

Hello Tanya and everyone ^_^ I am Angga, an Indonesian young-adult :p
I want to make more friends and keep chatting because i want to improve my English
Anyone here from Indonesia?
angga93   
Feb 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / The number of human being living on the earth obviously can affect the people's quality of life. [NEW]

The continued rise in the world's population is the greatest problem faced by humanity at the present time. What are the causes of this continued rise? Do you agree that it is the greatest problem faced by humanity?

The number of human being living on the earth obviously can affect the people's quality of life. Population growth rate that continously rise is commonly believed as the biggest global problem at the present time. I totally agree with this statement because this problem can terriblly hustle global environmental issue.

A continous increase in the global population is caused by several factors. There are many of people from many different countries refuse to be involved in birth control programs because they still feel unsure about side effects of the treatment. They show this attitude commonly because they do not receive proper explanations about it, so that they usually assumed that they will not healthy anymore if the medicine has entered their body. Moreover, the government do not have a stritch policy to resolve this humanity problem. An educational seminar about the importance of controlling population growth in many countries are rarely presented, so that the number of people who participating this program is not adequate even though the government has been offer a free birth control program.

There are some evidence that the continuous growth of population very potential to become the greatest problem faced by human race, because it can leads to overpopulation. A study conducted in China several years ago proved that the number of population members in several urban areas was strongly correlated with natural resources consumption. It means that the more people lived on the earth, the more nature is exploited to fulfill human's needs. Not only that, a bigger community also raised the number of vehicle used, means that they contribute a lot to canbondioxide emission. This case can worsen an environmental problem faced by humanity around the world, the global warming. Overall, a continued rise in the world population can be considered as the worst worldwide problem.

To sum up, it is clear that high rate of population growth is the greatest problem faced by human race. This problem commonly caused by the lack of knowledge among society and the goverment efforts to solve it are not enough. It will be good if the government not only provide free birth control programs, but also present more education about it so that the society did not afraid to participate to control of population growth.
angga93   
Feb 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1: landscape differences in Stokeford Village [3]

The maps compare the difference of landscape in the village of Stokeford in 1930 and 2013. Overall, this rural area had changed tremendously over the eight-decade period. There are some noticeable alteration in the proportion of infrastructures and farmland. Beside that, some building remain unchanged or just experienced a little diference.

The village's landscape saw an immense change in the number of buildings, stroke roads and farm areas. In 1930, only 10 houses were located in the northside of the village, then more of them had been constructed along side the road. Moreover, the main road had been expanded, forking through the west and east side region in 2010. These houses and roads construction caused a total elimination of farmland which was scaterred 80 years earlier, and demolition of shopping areas near the post office. In addition, the large house which was located in the northern area experienced major alteration, becoming retirement home which had fewer garden area due to building expansion.

Although the landscape had become very different between those years, some structures only showed a minute change. The bridge which was connecting this village into the northside area across Stroke River did not altered at all. The post office also stood still between the main road and the river. Then, the location of primary school opposite to post office did not changed as well, but the building had been expanded.



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angga93   
Feb 5, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: The choice of study style can determine people's further achievements [2]

The choice of study style can determine how far people's achievement is. Many people argue that studying alone is the best method for students to reach their best performance. Meanwhile, the opposite states that studying together bring more advantages for the pupils. In my view, students can learn more effective if they can study in both ways because they will get more benefits.

Studying alone still becomes a preferable choice these days. It is proved by a recent Cengage Learing Center survey about students learning habits. The result shows that 67% of 4000 respondents has chose to study alone rather than gather in a gruop discussion. Their reasons are mostly avoiding distractions which were often occured in study group. Moreover, regard to the differences among pupil's learning ability, they will have a quicker progress in their study by studying alone because they can adjust speed of study and study method by themselves. Overall, the flexibility of study alone causes majority of student choose this syle.

On the other hand, cooperative study also brings many advantages. It helps the members to get a better understanding because there are many perspectives which can be combined into a better definition. Not only that, students who study in a group can help each other, either in learning material or moral support. Not many students can expertise all field of study, so that by studying together pupils who are more capable in one subject can help the others and vice versa.

To sum up, it is clear that both of the study styles bring very different benefits for student so that combination of this two styles obviously can be more advantageous. It is imperative that pupils must have a reasonable portion of study for both study alone and in group. This way will helps them to effectively achieve their best performance.
angga93   
Feb 5, 2016
Writing Feedback / PRODUCTION PROCESS OF FROZEN FISH PIES - several machines and equipment involved [2]

Good job Icha.However I think your second paragraph needs an improvement. Compared to your last paragraph, it is simpler by far. Please try to create at least 3 sentences for each paragraph.

tT he potatoes delivery has a maximum duration to be delivered one month . : i am not sure, but i think this sentence miss something a

Then, these fish will be removed for (separated from ) its bones and skin, checkčd by an inspector, and added with peas and sauce.

the potatoes and fish will meet (be combined ) and be wrapped properly

this signs that the product s have been well-prepared to be stored in the freezer.
angga93   
Feb 5, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1: electricity generator using sea waves [2]

The diagrams illustrate an arrangement of electricity generator and the mechanism of this devices to produce electricity from sea waves. Overall, it can be seen that the structure consist of a chamber, a column and a turbine. Moreover, basically the generator uses airflow to generate electric power.

The building has three major structures, that is a wave chamber, a column and a turbine. Those structures are placed at the edge of the sea wall, with the large empty cavity facing the sea. This room connected to a vertical tube with the open side facing up. Inside this column, a turbine is attached properly so that it can rotate freely.

The process to generate electricity depends on the wind inside the column. When a sea wave enter the chamber, it pushes the air from this room escaping through the tubular structure. While the air passes through the column, it leads to rotary movement of the turbine. After that, the wave comes back to the sea and causes a big empty space. This emptiness draw the air flows back into the chamber, causes rotation of the turbine with the same direction as before, so that it keeps generating electricity.



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angga93   
Mar 14, 2016
Writing Feedback / Original writing (ą 25 minutes): Bulgarian expatriates' education levels [3]

The bar chart compares the level of educations of Bulgarianwho were to go abroad in 2002, 2006 and 2008. The data covers three different subjects which are higher education, secondary education and primary and lower education. Overall, it can be seen that most of Bulgarian people's latest education was secondary education in all three years. Only few of them wanted to go overseas with higher or lower (primary) education level.

A huge number of Bulgarians with secondary education level decided to leave bulgaria. The data shows that although this group had a downward trend, the percentage did not experienced a remarkable plunge. In 2002, 65% of Bulgarians with secondary education level planned to leave their original countries.This number gradually decreased until 2008, but the proportion still take part more than a half of the total number.

On the other hand, only a few Bulgarian inhabitants who want to go abroad had primary education or higher education as their latest education levels. Although primary and lower education group witnessed an upward trend, the percentage remained below 50%, with the highest i 2008 (32%). Higher education reached a peak at 20% in 2006, but fell again to 9% in 2008.



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angga93   
Mar 14, 2016
Writing Feedback / People do not have to bother to cook complex meals because of their unhealthy fast foods [3]

Hello Nida, you successfully produce a good essay. I try to paraphrase your conclusion for your consideration by adding simple reasons. Here is it.

To sum up, although the people do [...] which have negative effects for people's life.

To sum up, it is true that the availability of international fast food can simplify people's daily activity with the abcence of cooking activity. I, however, firmly argue that replacing traditional food with fast food will bring some drawbacks, such as causing health problems for many people and the lost of cultural value in the societies.

nice writing pal
angga93   
Mar 14, 2016
Writing Feedback / Task 1- Comparison kind of movies watched in UK and US [2]

Hello Desty, It is important to note that you have to create at least 3 paragraph by following the rule of grouping. For example, you can differ your body paragraph by the type of information. Here is my suggestion for your writing

I make a modification of your introduction for your consideration:

The bar chart illustrates the number of ...

The bar chart illustrates the percentage of original movies from several countries which were screened in the United Kingdoms and Australia in 2001. Meanwhile, the line graph shows the cinema admissions in millions of both nations between 1975 and 2005. Overall, both UK and Australia extremely attempted to show US films, and both of them witnessed an upward trend over the 30-years period.

Based on that introduction, you can write first body describing bar chart, started with the most interesting figure (US films). I try to separate this from your second paragraph.

US films considerably presented higher rate than others in both country. It represented more than 75% in UK and ten percent below of UK figure in Australia. Next, UK movies reached almost a fifth [five] percent in UK, but less than ten percent screened in Canberra. The Australian films experienced the [became] minority among all categories in its own country. The last category was other films [which] was watched about 17% in Australia and screened five percent in UK .

I think it is quite good for the first body, but if we moving to the next group, your explanation is not enough. Here is it.

In 2005, UK and Australia showed the highest spectators for cinema, followed by 180 and 100 millions. However, UK and Australia had the same pattern from 1975 to 2005.
You have to make balance explanation for those 2 groups.

Good job pal
angga93   
Mar 14, 2016
Writing Feedback / Nowadays, children have less pressure than the past age and more of the life-advancing opportunities [NEW]

Today's children are living under more pressure from the society than in the past.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Many people believe that social life in this globalising era have pressured children more than they used to be in the past. It is true that in recent age many children are striving to reach their bright future. However, from my point of view, children in the past had experienced more social disturbances such as racial issue and lowborn family status.

These days, many people have considered global competition as the biggest obstacle for children's lives. Compared to the past life which almost everybody can live only by traditional field work, in present the children have to prepare their future more carefully. William Dunbar, an economist, reported that average living cost in Europe had risen by 20% each year from 2002 to 2010. Therefore, the kids must study hard in order to get a proper occupation which can support their future lives. In all, high competition rate can be disstressful for children these days.

On the other hand, there are a lot of reason to say that in the past, children strived more than today's kids. It is a common knowledge that racism is one of the biggest issue faced by society, particularly in 18th century. For negroid children, this case was extremely depressing because they had been looked down by the society while they had to work as a slave. Not only that, homogenous society of the middle age also gave a huge pressure for the children. The local children had no choice but worked hard for their land lord for free, so that they just had a little time to enjoy their childhood.

To sum up, it is evident that children in the past received much more pressure compared to today's kids by the presence of forced labour. In my opinion, societies should not give children a lot of pressure to prepare their future lives because the kids need to enjoy they childhood first.
angga93   
Mar 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / The diagram show how the Australian Bureau of Meteorology collects up to date weather forecasting [2]

Hello Soe Htet Aung, you should create at least 3 sentences for each paragraph. I try to modify your introduction for your consideration. In addition, if you have an overview (generally.......) in the first paragraph, you do not need to include a conclusion (to sum up ......).

The diagram illustrates the collection of data [...] through medias within a short period.

The diagram illustrate the method of forecasting up-to-date weather condition which is applied by Australian Bureau of Meteorology. Overall, there is 4 major stage to produce a reliable weather prediction, which are data collection, analysis, preparation and broadcasting. It is also important to note that each step except preparing for broadcasting has 3 different ways.

And by following the rule of grouping, you will successfully create an easy-to-follow writing flow. For example, for my version of introduction, the body paragraph should contain:

Body 1: The process from data collection --> broadcasting
Body 2: Breakdown of each stage

I hope it is helpful :)
angga93   
Mar 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / [Task 1] - Map - The developments of Stokeford, a Riverside Town, in Almost a Decade [3]

Hello Adrian, i found that your writing has an interesting point of view, the lost of farmland. However, it is hard for me to extract your main idea in each paragraph. I suggest you to follow the rule of grouping so that the reader can easily follow the flow of information. In addition, you should mention those group in your overview so that the reader can expect what will they get from your each paragraph.

Nice writing pal, I hope it is helpful :)
Regards
angga93   
Mar 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / Several ways of heat loss and energy waste in a house due to the airflow in building - IELTS [2]

The diagram illustrates several ways of heat loss and energy waste in a house due to the airflow in building. Overall, it can be seen that cool air enters from slits in the pottom part of the house. Meanwhile, hot air runs out the house through its upper structure.

Fresh air from outside the structure get into the house through several ways, which causes the house becoming cooler. Some small slits between the wall and window or door can be passed by air from the outside so that the house is filled by cool air. Air also is able to leak into a house through several gaps which unintentionally are made for circulation, such as around the dryer vent, kitchen fan vent, and and electrical faucet. Crawl spaces also is filled by cool air because small slits around outdoor faucet.

The heat inside the building is carried out by the air which leaks out of the house. As such air enters the bottom part of the house, prior air within the house which was previously is warmed by energy waste such as recessed light, is pushed into the upper side of the building. After that, attic hatches and small gaps between the ceiling and the wall, bathrom fan vent, or lamp, allow this air leaking out.



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angga93   
Mar 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / West Park Secondary School construction during 3 decades [2]

Hello RAY93, here is my mark for your writing. I hope it is helpful.

- you mention "to being", i think it will be more properly if you use "to become"
- there are no north arrow in this picture, so i suggest you to use left-right-front-behind direction (according to your hand)
-it will be easier to read if you follow the rule of grouping, for example: 1. what is the addition, 2. what is the loss

nice writing pal :)
angga93   
Mar 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / Land usage differences over the time of period in the West Park Secondary School [2]

The changingchanges of West Park Secondary School area between 1950 and 2010 is shown by the maps and it is explained for every three decade.

Land usage for several facilities remain balance in the beginning of the period. :1. i think "remain" is used for explaining that something is not changed, so i suggest you to replace that word with "was"; 2. you should describe "balance" more detailed, for example "balance for.... and ..." because you have not mentioned the subjects previously

Main road location is opposite of the school and houses. : the word "opposite" means faced against something. so, here is my suggestion: The school building and houses was located alongside the main road.

In the picture, the north arrow is not given, so i suggest you to use left-right direction (based on your hand)
In the map, the time period is given, so you have to write your essay in past tenses

that's all from me pal, i hope it is helpful :)
angga93   
Mar 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1: New buildings arrangement - West Park Secondary School maps [2]

The diagrams show the changes that have taken place at West Park Secondary School since its contraction in 1950.
----------------------------------------

The maps compare the difference of West Park Secondary School buildings arrangement in 1950, 1980 and 2010. Overall, the school area had been expanded immensely. There are also several structures which had been built or demolished.

The area of the school block had been widen in 1980, two times from its size when it was constructed. Originally, in 1950 there was only one main building which was faced the main road, in the left side of it there were three houses. The school also had playground area behind main building, in the right side of farmland. However, in 1980 the school began to expand to the left side, overtake the area of houses and farmland.

Over the 6-decade period, some area had been altered structurally and functionally. In 1980, the houses had been demolished, then half of its area is used for parking car and the other half area between it and main building used for a science block . Meanwhile, farmland had become sport field in that year. Furthermore, in 2010 the car park are expanded over the prior sports field. Because of that, the sports field was moved to one-third part of playground, so that it was located between smaller playground and wider car park.



  • road_map.jpg
angga93   
Mar 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / Air Circulation Inside The House Can Waste Energy and Cause Heat Loss. [2]

First of all, on the lowest level, basement, crawl space and dryer vent are used(word choice: passed) by the air to get into the building.

Furthermore, in the ground level, a great number of (word choice: this phrase is for countable noun, i suggest to replace it with "plenty of") air come into the house by using(word choice: flowing through) several spots .

...while it passes through electrical outlet in the bathroom.

According to science, air move from the high pressure to the low pressure area. : it is interesting that you use scientific fact, however the task is describing the main feature of the graph so that i think this one is unnecessary

That's all for me, i hope it is helpful :)
angga93   
Mar 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1: Water treatment for household use [NEW]

The diagram shows how rainwater is reused.
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The diagram illustrates the process of water treatment for household use. Overall, the treatment can be differed based on the scale of obtained clean water. Interestingly, there is a treatment which makes wastewater possible to be reused.

Clean water can be obtained from rainwater both in a large scale or small scale. For producing larger amount of consuming water, firstly rainwater have to be collected in a water reservoir an then delivered to a plant for purification. This purified water then is streamed into houses and ready to be consumed. Water tank is also useful for collecting rainwater in smaller amount. This method is suitable for water use in a house.

For management of dirty water, used water run out from a house into a wastewater plant. This plant separates that wastewater into two different output, which are clean water and excess water. Clean water can be supplied for house to be reused. And the excess is flowed to a river. Storm water cannot be treatet for household purposes, so that it directly runs into the river.



  • water_treatment.jpg
angga93   
Mar 23, 2016
Writing Feedback / Reuse of rainwater through several treatments [2]

The diagram informs the recycling system of rain water to be hygienehygienic, needs adjective water used domestically in people housing.

Turning to the first stage which is the water saving ...
"turning to" is used for explaining new main idea, so that it cannot be used for first body paragraph. I think you should use "to begin" or just directly mention your main idea in the second paragraph

Before distribute (usable water is distributed ) to the housing, rain water get through ...

Besides that, the rain water fallen (falls ) to the earth, (...) such contaminants also utilize after treated on stromwater treatment. : i do not get an information that says stormwater and excess water can be utilized. If i'm not mistaken, it runs into the river after being treated.
angga93   
Mar 23, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 - Environmental impacts due to over logging activities. [2]

First of all, when we look at an increasing trend ...

First of all, there are an increase in the risk of flood(not folding) and soil erosion due to heavy logging machines and equipment which can degrade and destroy the soil.

As the result of this consequences, the fewer roots ... : this is not the result, but the causes of erosion that you've mentioned in the previous sentence

This soil destruction causes fewer number of roots in the soil so that the top layer of soil can not be supported properly.

On the other hand ,(this phrase is intended to explain something from different point of view, i suggest to use "In addition") large-scale logging becomes (experience) drastic changes in precipitation of trees directly when the forest cover is removed.

These changes also makelengthening dry periods.

That's all from me, I hope it is helpful :)
angga93   
Mar 23, 2016
Writing Feedback / Uncontrolled population growth rate has been a contemporary issue in many countries in recent years. [4]

Th continued rise in the world's population is the greatest problem faced by humanity at the present time.
What are the causes of this continued rise?
Do you agree that it is the greatest problem faced by humanity?

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Uncontrolled population growth rate has been a contemporary issue in many countries in recent years. This problem usually associated with social belief and the government do not pays enough attention. Many people argue that this is the greatest worldwide problem these days, but I personally believe that this can be tackled gradually if society and the government collaborate to alleviate it.

In many parts of the world, particularly in developing countries, society still has a belief that having more children means prosperity. Because of that, those people have a strong will to create a big family even though their financial status is not good enough. Another cause is the fear of birth control. Most uneducated people refuse to get a birth control treatment. Besides the cost of the treatment is fairly high, people reject it because they think that the chemicals used for it will badly affect their health. In all, those attitudes will lead to overgrow population.

Some people think that this issues is the greatest problem faced by human race. The reason is, overpopulation will leads to several social and environmental issues. For example, overpopulation indirectly worsen the green house effect due to bigger consumption of fossil fuels and more human waste. However, I believe that population growth rate is not a big problem because it will be easily controlled if people open their mind of its detrimental effects. The societies should stop to believe that big family will make them healthy because the effect is obviously the reverse. This issue actually is easy to overcome if the government provide free birth control and routine seminar to make people understand that the treatment is harmless.

To sum up, it is clear that continued population growth is caused by people's attitude towards birth control and lack of government's attention to tackle this problem. I strongly believe that this case is overestimated as the greatest problem in humanity. It will be good if both society and the government work together more seriously to overcome this problem.
angga93   
Mar 23, 2016
Writing Feedback / Does the increasing of human population become the worst problem? [2]

Hello Yonathan, it is better if you include an opening phrase which indicate that it is your conclusion. In addition, the sum also should covers each answer for the questions. It is also important to note that you have to answer all the question. It seems like you describe the causes only, you should give an explanation why you agree to the statement.

Uncontrolled human population become [...] to cooperate to tackle this problem.

In conclusion, uncontrolled human population is the worst problem that society ever face as it can influence the future of human race. The causes is a boom of teenager marriage and a reduce in war frequency. The government of of each countries have to cooperate to tackle this problem.

I hope it is helpful :)
angga93   
Mar 23, 2016
Writing Feedback / Stokeford village landscape's changes - much more houses had been built, overtook the farmland [3]

The maps compare the changes of village of Stokeford in 1930 and 2010. Overall, it can be seen that in the end of the period, there were much more houses had been built, overtook the farmland. Some buildings also changed structurally and functionally, but some of them did not show any change.

The most remarkable in this village's landscape was the lost of farmland which scattered in the early 19s century. The causes was the huge number of houses had been built on it. In the year 1930, the houses only presented in the northside of the village, alongside the mainroad, while farmland existed in south western and north eastern side. However, 80 years later almost all part of the village had been altered to residential area.

Over this 80-year period, there were some structures which experienced alteration and some were not. The large house in 1930 had been altered in function becoming retirement home, and the structure had been expanded both to the north and south sides with smaller gardens. Primary school in the north west of that building also witnessed building expansion in the end of this period. There was also construction of some streets forking to the north and east from the main road, and houses was built along its side so that there were several houses near the river. The shops which priorly existed near post office had been demolished in 2010. However, post office between the main road and the river, and the bridge which was connected the village with area in the north remained unchanged.



  • map_stokeford.jpg
angga93   
Mar 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / Recent research has shown that media like the internet and TV have a greater influence on people [2]

Hello anirere, here is my suggestion for your writing for your consideration.

Currently researcher has presentedrevealed (word choice) that media such as TV and internet became a huge influence towards people live(people's lives) . In my personal point of view(In my view OR from my point of view) I do(double verb) agree that nowadays media holds important roles within the aspects of human life.

Considering that today media ...... such as smart phone and tablet.
Here is my suggestion: Today's media, such as TV and internet are highly accessible for any people from different backgrounds. As such, information spreads over virtually in high speed as people can reach it instantly using advanced communication technology such as smartphone and tablet.

..and here is my version of conclusion based on your writing
To sum up, I strongly believe that media is considerably a greater influence for people's lives if it is compared to politician. The main reason is majority of people nowadays possess advanced technological devices like mobile phone. This case has helped people, including politician, to access information which can affect their behavior more easily.

I hope it is helpful friend :)
angga93   
Mar 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / Responsibility for teaching children how to behave. [3]

Hello Hoang, I have read your writing and here is my suggestion for you.

1. Your thesis statement briefly explains what you'll talking about in your essay, so that it will automatically shows your grouping in your writing. In this case, your thesis statement groups your idea into (a) only parents take responsibility, (b) government and schools also take responsibility

2. You have 2 groups of view, and you should consistent about it. You have to include main idea in each body paragraph which is related to your two groups respectively. And, to make a cohesive paragraph, you have to avoid adding statements which are irrelevant to your main idea. From your writing, your first body should explain "why people assume that only parents is responsible", but you write some reasons why schools also responsible for it which is belong to your second body paragraph.

I hope it is helpful :)
angga93   
Mar 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / The factors which affect population increment are good health care, promiscuity, government's role.. [2]

Hello friends, I have read your essay and here is my mark for your consideration.

1st paragraph:
The population of human being growth increase every year ... [Population growth rate increase every year / The growth rate of human population increase every year]
... it is included one of the problem which faced by... [it is considered as one of some problems which are faced by...]
... and the people believe.[and the community's beliefs]
I disagree that the rising population in the world is the biggest humanity problem.[Although it is true that this issue is serious, I totally disagree with common perspective which assumed that it is the greatest humanity problem. ]

the number of medical profession.... [...the number of medical professionals...]

2nd paragraph
... reduce the rate of human deaths, [... reduce the rate of morbidity]
...the promiscuity especially does by many western people who do it before marriage. [...promiscuity before marriage gains more approval by society nowadays, especially in western countries.]

Promiscuity has impact on the raising level of baby birth.[As an impact, there has been a remarkable rise in the number of newborn.]

3rd paragraph
The high number of population which continued to rise will lead to big problem,... [the huge number of population which rise continuously will leads to big problems...]

It is not the biggest humanity problem. Because, the problems still can be finished by government and the society by the rule which has been made by government and the community has to obey with it. [(for coherence) However, it is .... because the problems still can be tackled by the government and society. By making laws towards population growth, the government possibbly reduce this issue. It will not work if society does not obey the rules so that collaboration between those two groups is extremely significant.]

Besides that, the government has to provide jobs for unemployment. [add explanation, supporting clause/sentences]

4th paragraph
To sum up, although the high number of population is included the problem for society, ... [although it is evident that the rise of population growth rate is troublesome,...]

I believe that the biggest humanity problem is civil war, because it disobeys the human right.[irrelevant to your body paragraph, a conclusion have to be a sum of your entire writing. Yours do not mention "civil war". I suggest to put this sentence as your opinion, not the sum. For conclusion, just extract main idea of your paragraph.]

I suggest that the United Nations has to tackle this problem for making the peaceful of world. [irrelevant, your writing is about population growth rate, not about peace.]

I hope it is helpful for your next writing :)

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