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Posts by mardian24
Name: Mardian Rinaldi
Joined: Oct 25, 2016
Last Post: Dec 2, 2016
Threads: 46
Posts: 60  
From: Indonesia
School: SMAN8

Displayed posts: 106 / page 1 of 3
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mardian24   
Oct 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / Nowadays, children can do whatever they want, often bad things, and it leads to the health issues [3]

Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both schools and parents are responsible for solving this proble.
To what extent do you agree with this statement?


Nowadays, children can do whatever they want, especially for bad things in daily life. As a result, parents and schools have to anticipate children's attitude to prevent negative effect that will come to their life particularly for getting food.

Most children love trying something new just to decrease their curiosity. They always buy food on the street where there are many unhealthy foods. For instance, In Indonesia, children usually buy candy which is made by local people and it contains plenty of dust because it is sold next to main road. As a result, even the cost is cheap; children will get sick because of dirty food. Therefore, children should buy food in the right place and they need control from schools and parents to find where the best place or better shop to buy food.

On one hand, controlling children to get some foods are given by schools and parents. Parents can make food and give it to children and then they will bring it to school. In addition, school must selective to choose whether food can be sold in school or not. For instance, kinder garden student always bring their meal to school to prevent buying food in shoal. The other example is school trying one by one food to make sure the condition of the food and make a punishment to prevent unhealthy food existing in school. However, parents and schools have the biggest contribution to make sure there is no bad food in school.

To sum up, it seems that negative lifestyle for children especially about meal can be reduced by the nearest environment, such as, schools and parents. In my view, school have to give explanation about the dangerous food to human body and make a regulation to limit the number of sellers in school and to control the nutrition food. Besides, parents should always give advice to children about how to know clean food and describe the effect for bad food.

(327 Words)
mardian24   
Oct 25, 2016
Writing Feedback / Middle aged people have the highest problem over all activities in a new living place [5]

Writing Task 1 - Problems people have when they go to live in other countries.

The chart shows information about the problems for people who come to visit another country according to the age. Overall, it can be seen that people in the middle age group have the highest problem over all activities and searching school for their children is the lowest problems. Besides that, finding healthcare has the highest from middle age to older age.

The greatest problem for young people aged 18-34 is getting finances. The percentage is 38 percent of this problem. However, only 35 percent of 35-54 is hard to gain finances, whereas 27 percent of people aged over 55 have this problem.

Thirty-four percent people have the problem how to get healthcare in the young age. And then get higher than before of 34 percent. At the end, it is a decrease to 28 percent in the older age.

Searching school for people's children is 6 percent, while in the middle age is the highest of 18 percent and in the older age is the lowest fewer than 5 percent.



  • Question
mardian24   
Oct 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / The chart compares the problems of citizens who stay outside their home countries [5]

Hi Reski, I'm trying to make some corrections.
1. ... the problems of citizencitizens ...
On the question, there are many persons, so to paraphrase people use plural form, citizen become citizens
2. The biggest problem about money areis experienced by ...
Only one problem, so change it into singular from, are become is
3. While, the oldest age category finds it as the smallest ...
'it' is a subject, so after verb use an object
4. the biggest feature that underwent by in people ages 35-54 ...
mardian24   
Oct 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1 - Three Problems When Move to Overseas [2]

Hi anna, I'm trying to find some errors
1. Pursuing education for children areis the smallest problems for all age
Because only one subject, so use singular verb, are ----> is
2. ... increase from young people to middle people by just under 35 percent - 35 percent
Where is the changing in young people? The first is 35 percent and the second is 35 percent. It means steady.
3. ... people get in the middle age withto just under 40%
To say the level something reached, use a verb + to
mardian24   
Oct 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / The proportion of various kind of problems that citizens experience while living in overseas [6]

Hi Pramudia27 , I'm trying to make some comments

1. ... the secondary age people areis the problematical persons
It is talking about group, so use verb in plural form

2. ...health care is the Highershighest difficult proportion of ...
Higher is used for comparative and for superlative use -est. In that sentence, it tells about the most high, hence, use highest

3. ... people just get overto about 35% this problem.
Maybe it is better to use 'to about'
mardian24   
Oct 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / There was a gradual downward trend in the percentage of English teachers in Ontario [2]

Writing Task 1 - Percentage of first-year teachers with regular teaching jobs by year of graduation

The graph shows the information about the percentage of english and french first-year teacher from 2001 to 2007 based on graduation year in Ontario. Overall, it can be see that there was a gradual downward trend in the percentage of english teachers, but the number of french teachers increased slightly. And then, the percentage of french teachers dominates over a six-year period.

According to the graph, there was a dramatic fall in the wide range of english teachers, while plenty of french teachers went up and down between 2001 and 2003.

From 2003 to 2005, english and french teachers have same graphic, there were a gradual rise from 40 percent to 45 percent and 68 percent to 70 percent in english and french teachers respectively.

2005 saw an extreme fall in the number of english teachers, whereas the number of french teachers fluctuated. In 2007, plenty of english teachers hit a high point at 74 percent.



  • Question
mardian24   
Oct 26, 2016
Writing Feedback / There is another side of people's life that need to be served at the public TV - no more gossips! [2]

The media pay too much attention to the lives and relationships of celebrities such as actors, singers, or footballers. They should spend more time reporting the lives of ordinary people instead.

Most television programs show about activities from famous people, but there is another side of people's life that need to serve to the public. However, I tend to agree that ordinary people need to be shown on television although celebrities have big portions in public interest.

Nowadays, people always follow information about celebrities everywhere. They argue that it is more attractive to be watched than normal people. For instance, In Indonesia, there is a reality show that tells information about actor's home and the activity. This makes inhabitants exciting to know much more about the actor itself. As a result, people enjoy getting news and ask to media to show celebrities activity intensively. However, there is another person that need to be announced in television besides celebrities life.

Normal people sometimes do not give sensational information for viewers. If people come deeply to their life, they will understand how extremely getting money is. Therefore, tv program should report ordinary people too. For instance, 'If I want to be' is the title of the most famous reality show in Indonesia. This program gives motivation to people to keep spirit to face the problems in life and can change people's habit to be better than before. Thus, do not underestimate people to be shown at the media today.

In conclusion, I agree that celebrities are more significant than ordinary people, but media should make a balance between celebrities and normal people to be shown on television. In my opinion, it depends on people how they think about the information that they want to get, but the media should tell the news from everyone.
mardian24   
Oct 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Writing Task 2-media-celebrity-ordinary people. On which group media should focus more? [6]

Hi pram, I'm trying to make some corrections
1. In the modern era, the celebrity's stories ....
Article the is used when people know what you are talking about because you have mentioned the thing before or it is clear from the context. However, you did not mention celebrity's stories before, so do not need to use article 'the'

2. While, some people think ...
While in the beginning of sentence do not need comma, so delete it

3. ... inspiration program from influences people.
It is better to use 'to' instead 'from because in the meaning, it means that to whom 'inspiration program' will be given, so use preposition to

Thank you, break a leg.
mardian24   
Oct 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Wind turbines can be located in different places which means different output, benefits or drawbacks [2]

Writing Task 1 - The diagrams below show the design for a wind turbine and its location.

The diagrams show a turbine that can be moved by turbine and where it can be placed. The turbine consists of blades, wind sensor, generator, steel tower, and computer. Overall, it can be seen that wind turbines can be located in different places and it will give different output, benefit, and drawback.

The process begins when a blade which is made by fiberglass or wood is pushed by wind; generator will turn and generates the electricity. It can produce 1.5 megawatts. Afterward, speed and direction of wind is controlled by wind sensor. Finally, computer is used to decide where the best direction for turbine to get optimal wind is.

Turbines can be placed in three different places. Firstly, it can be put in the sea where it does not disturb the scenery. Secondly, domestic turbine was located near local home. It will give 100 kilowatts for electricity output. And the last, it can be placed on the hill where there is wind with highest power.



  • Question
mardian24   
Oct 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / There are many opportunities to be an entrepreneur - and benefits too. [2]

Some people decide to start their own business instead of working for a company or organisation. Do the advantages for people working for their own business outweigh the disadvantages?

Several start-up companies have existed in this era. It is happen because there are many opportunities to be an entrepreneur. Although, some people think that work as a employee is the best choice in life. I believe that people who have their own company giving more positive effects than drawbacks.

Firstly, people who become entrepreneur have flexible time to manage their own business. They can choose what time do the company open and decide when it will be closed. Also, if people have a lot of orders from customer, they can open the company longer than usual. A further benefit is that people can open job opportunity. It is very helpful due to they can decrease the amount of unemployment in their neighbourhood. After that, the government is helped by reducing the rate of poverty level in a country. And of course, the owner of company feels satisfying because they can help other people.

On the other hand, becoming an entrepreneur has drawbacks effect. First of all is high-risk. It happens because if there is something bad happening, the company easily get bankrupt. Skills are needed to manage the company. Another disadvantage is that there are many competitors that compete to get many profits. The worse think that will occur is criminality. The competitor can do anything to be leader market.

All in all, I think to be an entrepreneur is more benefits than working in office as an employee. However, someone who wants to start business should think twice about the risk of tax and they must have big capital to make big company and to anticipate if there is a problem in financial sector.
mardian24   
Oct 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Online games: they decrease children's time to study but also help them to enhance their knowledge. [3]

Hi, I'm trying to make some comments

1. Children playing online gameswho play online games will bring out drawback likesuch aschildren spending more time ...
# It is better to use conjunction to make it complex sentence ----> Children who play online games
# you have already mentioned 'children' in the beginning, so to reduce repetitive just delete the second 'children'

2. Many children feel happy when they are playing game online so that they are ...
It is better for you to use present perfect because the action happen in the past and still continue or there is an effect today.

Thank you
Hopefully it can useful
mardian24   
Oct 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1 - The graph below and the chart on the next page show the answers people gave [4]

The graph below and the chart on the next page show the answers people gave about the extent to which they are satisfied with their lives and what they think would make them happiest.

The graph provides information about satisfaction with life according to different age and the chart is about things that make people happy across age groups. Overall, it can be seen that the least happiness occur in young age by having money, while money for older people do not make them happy.

In the beginning, both men and women have different satisfying score when men's score is 5.5 and women's score is 5.3. After that, they have similar pattern in 21-30 age group until reach a bottom in 41-50 age group with score 5. In the following years, the trend is upward and hit a high point at 5.6 for everyone age 61-70.

Young people say that money make them happy and decrease sharply in the following age group. On the other hand, health begins from the bottom at about 10 percent and increase to above 40 percent in age more than 75. There is a cross in age group 45-54 between health and money to make people happy.



  • The Graph

  • The Chart
mardian24   
Oct 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / To become an employee, working man or having business are available choices for people. [2]

Hi
1. ... having a job is need by people ...
Passive form: to be + past participle
Hence, is + needed

2. ... BecomeBecoming employee, (...) having business are choosechosen by people ...
Become = verb, it needs to be changed into adjective,
Become -----> Becoming
are choose it should be replaced by are chosen

3. ... having own company or start up havehas advantages ,,,
Because there is only one verb and it is singular, so have should be replaced by has

Thank you, I hope it can help you
Break a leg!
mardian24   
Oct 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Rules for work-force to wear every day a dress which have company symbols [4]

Some organisations believe that their employees should dress smartly. Others value quality of work above appearance.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Several companies have made rules for their work-force to wear dress which have company symbols every day. In contrast, many people think an effort that employee give to the company is more essential than the appearance that worker usually show. However, there are many considerations that need to think about which one is the best weather dress formally or give more portion on work activity.

Formal or appropriate dress sometimes give more contribution to a company, especially for which directly connect to public service. It happens because people will get good impression if they see a company who wear same dress in office. They will have an opinion that professionalism is number one and can be proved by their clothes. For instance, in Mandiri Bank, employee has to wear dress formally to increase the number of customers who want to save their money. I think people will understand that employee has good education background and can solve the problem quickly. Besides that, wearing good dress will show that both employee and boss are worker, so there is nothing different and make a harmony and good culture.

However, there is another option say that quality of work is more significant than wearing good dress. The purpose of someone in office is working. So, they do not need to think about a dress that they want to wear in office, but still obey culture in a country. People will feel more comfortable if they can use clothes that they prefer to use. It can raise the spirit of working and give more contribution to the company. For instance, In Pertamina, worker does not need to use same dress. They can use anything because purpose of the company is getting more benefit not how beautiful the office is.

All in all, dress formally can give good impact to the company but it does not improve the quality of work. In my opinion, the company should emphasise the purpose of job and let the worker wear whatever clothes that they want.
mardian24   
Oct 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1: How satisfied are you with your life? What would make you happiest? [7]

Hi nurainiyusuf16, I'm trying to make some comments

1. ... stood at different point, but from 21 to 70 years ...
before but use comma to make it different from the first and the second sentence

2. ... similar point which is dippeddippeddipped in 41 to 50 years
It is better to use passive form, is dipped ---> dipped

3. than increase gradually untilto 71 years
Verb + to is to show what the data have reached.

Thank you
Break a leg
mardian24   
Oct 29, 2016
Scholarship / "Happiness is only true when shared with others" Chevening Networking Question [19]

Hi shadow7 , I'm trying to make some comments
1. .. On my second year at university ...
You can use sophomore to make you sentence more simple

2. Use a different type of sentence to make this essay easier to read.

3. You have good grammar and structural for making sentence, but trying to manage your ide such as for the first you tell about your idea then you give reasons for supporting your idea and then give examples in your daily life after that give a results and the last is conclusion. I hope it will hope you to make your idea better.

Thank you
mardian24   
Oct 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Different ways to develop future career after graduation: work for someone or work for myself [5]

Hi, I'm trying to make some comments
1. ... they hashave better idea to attract ...
In present perfect tense'They' is followed by have and for he, she, it, are followed by has for

2. There are some error spelling
enterpreneur ----> entrepreneur
cosumers ----> costumers
qualitiy ----> quality
Aslo ----> Also

3. ... if they have many experienceexperiences ...
many is followed by plural form, so many + experiences

Thank you
mardian24   
Oct 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Dress smartly or quality of work? I think it depends on our obligation in occupation. [5]

Hi nurainiyusuf16, let me give some comments on your essay
1. For the first it is better for you to paraphrase question, so it will make it different and score will be higher than before

2. ... business dress is requirement for plenty of organisation or companies ...
There are many organisations in the question, so in introduction you just need to paraphrase the question and make your own word

3.... other organisations argue that work quality of their employee ...
use a conjunction between argue and quality to avoid double verb form. I give an example for conjunction

Thank you
Break a leg
mardian24   
Oct 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Causes that farming land couldn't produce effectively and effect of it in three countries in 1990 [2]

Writing IELTS Task 1- DEGRADATION LAND

The pie chart provides information about causes farming land cannot produce effectively and the table shows the effect from unproductive land in three different countries in 1990. Overall, it can be seen that over-grazing is the most significant reason for land degradation and Europe is a county which has the highest damage on cultivation land.

Over-gazling is the highest percentage reason for land cannot be used maximally with 35 percent. In other sides, deforestation is number two at 30 percent, where over-cultivation only 28 percent. There is another reason that effect to productivity of land, but it is the smallest percent from others.

There were 3 countries that have damage based on the table. Europe is the highest percentage and North America is the lowest with 23 percent and 5 percent respectively. For over-grazing effect, Oceania get the highest value at 11.3 percent where North-America is the lowest at 1.5 percent. Europe got more damage on deforestation at 9.8 percent and followed by Oceania and North Amercia. And there is zero percent where Oceania did not have impact from over-cultivation.



  • Question
mardian24   
Oct 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Good attitude is a must for everybody to show that we need someone else. Parents, school and society [3]

Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Human live with each other and always communicate person. Good attitude is a must for everybody to show that we need someone else. Many people argue that children have to study about their attitude in school, where someone thinks that parents give more effect on children's life. However, it depends on point of view from someone and I think parents give higher good impact for children.

Parents always available for their lovely child and ready to give the best that they have. In a fact, children usually spend their time at home with their family. As a result, parents can easily gave an advice to children whenever they want. For instance, when I was a child, my mother taught me how should I do when I meet other people. She told me to give big smile and great smoothly. I was so happy because other people would be so kind to me and they love me. I cannot imagine if do not learn these habits, everyone will hate me and I will not feel glad to meet another person. Besides that, if our closer relatives teach us how to be nice person, we will regard them and it is simple to understand. For instance, I will obey my father advice and I will implement in my life. It happens because I feel comfortable and I'm sure that he teach positive things to me.

However, someone believes that school is formal education to get new knowledge. School have ab exact curriculum for their students to be taught. For example, Indonesian children learn about PPKN subject in elementary school. This subject explain the attitude and how to interact with other people. Besides that, teacher will give an example in daily activity how to be a good person. And if a students do wrong things, teacher will tell the student about their attitude that it is wrong and they need to change it. And next, children meet many friends in school and can directly implement about attitude that their teacher told to them. Therefore, school is good place for practicing knowledge the they have ever gotton.

Although, school can train children to be good person, parents are the most essential teacher for children to learn about habit activity. I think people will give different opinion between school and parents, but both of them are the best place for studying and get new experience in life.
mardian24   
Oct 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / The rising trend of reading in Barnaby, the most significant growth was shown in male readers. [4]

Hi kiki23, I'm trying to make some comments

... by both gender was steadily increaseda steady increase during the first two years
It is better for you to use noun phrase than to make it passive.

... books read by women achieves the peakachieved a peakwithat as much as ten ...
Because it is already happen, so use past tense than present tense

... continued to increase and reachreached to 9000 byin the end of 2013
Use same tense before and after 'and', in this sentence, you use past tense at the first than you should use past tense as well at the end

Thank you
mardian24   
Oct 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / Parents are more competent than school to show children how to be a decent citizen [5]

Hi, septidara29, I want to write some comments based on your writing

1.There are some errors in spelling, such as:
teached ----> taught
behavioural ----> behavioral
theoritical ----> theoretical
responsbility ----> responsibility
immitate ----> imitate
childreen ----> children
I suggest you to manage your time so can check your answer again to make it sure there is not wrong in spelling

2. they can learn manymuch good behaviouralbehavior through daily activity ...
#it is better to replace behavioral (adjective) by behavior (noun)
# Because behavior is uncountable, hence many should be replaced by 'much'

3. ... a good example that can be immitateimitated by children ...
Because it uses passive sentence, so imitate should be replaced by imitated

Thanks
mardian24   
Oct 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / The main duty of parents and teachers to make children more sociable in society [3]

Hi SarlindaDS_27, let me give some comments on yours

1. Nobody in this world can liveslive alone
after modal is infinitive, so lives should be changer to infinitive ---> live

2. ...without createcreating social relationship ...
because there is a verb before this sentence, so to avoid double verb, change create to another form, for instance 'crearing'

3. ... the first adult that are very close with the child ...
after conjunction 'that', verb is needed, therefore I give verb 'are'

thank you
mardian24   
Oct 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / Children's bad habits, for example they always eat some dirty, unhealthy foods [7]

Hi septidara29

1. There are some errors for spelling
responsbility ----> responsibility
inovation ----> innovation
exctract ----> extract
responsbility ----> responsibility

2. ... are more attractattractive with the packaging of ...
Because attract is verb, so for the best word formation is 'attractive' (adjective) to explain what is children interest about

3. ... of their lifestyle to become more healthier.
healthier is a comparative form. You can use more + adjective or just health + er, so just eliminate more to make a comparative in this sentece

Thanks
mardian24   
Oct 31, 2016
Writing Feedback / The chart presents people's sleep scheme among five professions based on Canadian research result. [4]

Hi, ainunazwaria, I;m trying to give some comments

1. You have a good structure sentence and have an easy flow to be read. But, it is better for you to insert the image to make the readers easy to understand about your essay.

2. However, students have more sleep ...
Because student is singular, hence, it must be followed by singular verb
in this sentence students should be added 's'

3. ... worker only have six hours bedtime in a day.
To make it simple and do not have repetitive, eliminate the second 'bedtime' because you have already mentined before.

Thank you
Break a leg for you, keep writing
mardian24   
Oct 31, 2016
Writing Feedback / In this modern era, everything has changed. Writing Task 2 - Difficult and Easy Healthy Lifestyle [2]

Some people say that in the modern world it is difficult for people to have a healthy lifestyle. Others, however, say that it is easy for people to be healthy and fit if they want to be.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.


In this modern era, everything has changed because people have to do something quickly and ignore their healthy life. Some people think that it can be solved by themselves if they have willingness. However, in my opinion, it depends on how people do an action about their problem and it can be hard or simple to face a challenge in life.

Nowdays, being healthy is something valuable because people argue that they are always sick because of their routinity. One of the problem to be healthy is that people usually buy food wherever they want especially on the street shop. I imagine this is appear due to people do not want have enough time to buy fresh food while they are working. As a result, they will get sick because of dirty food that consist of bacteri. Also, it can make bad effect for long time if they do not have clear mind to get healthy food. However, this is the factor of modern era because people do not make an attention to their healthy life style.

In the other hand, if people want to have a change, I'm sure that they can do it. To have healthy food, inhabitants can prepare and bring their healthy food to their office. Also, they can do a diet for carbo as well to keep their body fit. The consequences is people can be healthy and enjoy their life just as simple as if they want to move and have a spirit to be better than before.

All in all, difficulties are coming from people's mind and nothing difficult to be healthy if they want. I suggest that do not think hard to get your body fit. People only need to make a plan for their activity and do it for themselves and for lovely person in their life.
mardian24   
Oct 31, 2016
Writing Feedback / Number of Bulgarians who have different background education and want to stay abroad 2002 - 2008 [2]

The chart below gives information about the level of education of Bulgarian people who wanted to go and live in another country in 2002, 2006, and 2008.

The bar chart provides information about Bulgarians who have different background education and want to stay abroad in 2002, 2006, and 2008. Overall, it can be seen that secondary education was the highest over a six-year period and in 2002 and 2006, higher education and lower education have almost the same number.

Secondary education always dominated than other educations in 2002, 2006, and 2008 and reached a peak at 65 percent in 2002. The lowest percent of secondary school was 59 percent, but it was still higher than other educations.

In 2008, higher education got the smallest at 9 percent. After that, between 2002 and 2006, both higher education and primary and lower education had a gradual increase. And in 2008, the number of primary and lower educations hit a high point at 32 percent and it was the highest level from primary and lower education. Besides that, 2008 saw the number of higher education decreased sharply at 9 percent.
mardian24   
Oct 31, 2016
Writing Feedback / Parents and school as a place for children to get knowledge and friendly habits in society. [3]

Hi, I want to make some comments

1. Becoming parents are biggest responsibility for keep their children ...
You can use for + keeping or to + keep, to make good structure because it is going to be double verb

2. One of working by parents teach ...
maybe this is more suitable to make clear sentence
One of parent's job is to teach their children to become ...

3. ... school is one of place for children to get information ...
You should add 'for' between place and children to make a connection

Thank you
mardian24   
Nov 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / People's were asked about communication ability which they needed and used in their job [2]

Writing Task 1 - Communication Skills Are Essential in your job? (Survey 1997 &2006)

The table below gives the results of two surveys, in 1997 and 2006, in which people were asked which communication skills were essential in their jobs.

The table provides information about the percentage of people's answer that were asked about communication ability which they were needed in their job in 1997 and 2006. Overall, it can be seen that all of the percentage were rising while only selling a product or service was falling between 1997 and 2006. And the percentage of all correspondences was under seventy five percent.

In external communication, selling a product or service fell by 3 percent from 1997 to 2006 while the others went up. There was the highest increase in knowledge of particular products or services by 6 percent. The highest percentage was 65 percent in dealing with people aspects in 1997 where the lowest percentage was selling a product service at 21 percent in 2006.

In internal communication, all of the percentage were rising over 9-years period. The highest percentage was listening carefully to colleagues at 47 percent in 2006 and the lowest percentage was making speeches or presentations at 7 percent in 1997. There was the smallest changed between 1997 and 2006 by 1 percent in planning the activities of others.



  • Question
mardian24   
Nov 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / The perspective of the people about a healthy lifestyle [4]

Hi Bada, Let me give some comments

1. In my opinion, you should give general statement in introduction instead of giving an example. You can explain more about your ideas, reason, and example to support your main idea in each paragraf.

2. It better for you to use present perfect or present perfect continuous in introduction because the action has already happened and the results could be seen today. Also, it will give you various tenses in your writing.

3. They do their jobs from in the morning until in the evening ...
It is preferable to use a preposition before time information

Thank you
Break a leg and keep writing
mardian24   
Nov 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / There are many bad effects instead of advantages for people who use electronic media excessively [2]

The use of electronic media has a negative effect on personal relationships between people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Several people have used electronic device to communicate with someone else, but sometimes it has mad bad impact in people's life. However, in my opinion, I tend to agree that electronic device has obviously caused drawback outweigh the positive effect.


Having a distance place make people want to have a talk with others. Thus, they always want to communicate with their friends, colleagues, and relatives. Because of electronic device, sometimes people do not want to go to their family and choose to stay at home. It makes inhabitants do not have good relationship because it is totally different between having a call and coming into someone's home. People do not feel that someone exist in their life and cannot touch or hug their family. For instance, when I was in university, I used to communicate by mobile phone rather than visit my family. As a result, the relationship between me and my relatives is decrease. That is why people need to go to their families's home.

However, electronic device has supported people to communicate in their life. People can contact their family who live so far away or even in different country in the world. Also, they can call someone whenever and wherever they want by modern media. It does not takes long time to get access with someone else as well. For example, Maradona can ask where is the position of Messi directly by phone. Thus, electronic device is very helpful to make relationship closer than before.

All in all, there are many bad effects instead of the advantages for people who use electronic media. In my opinion, I agree that electronic device give bad impact and people should make a limitation for using gadget and at least one time in a month come to visit their family.
mardian24   
Nov 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / The external and internal communication, essential in work, in 1997 and 2002. [3]

Hi nurainiyusuf16, I want to give some comments

1. ... internal communication skills were more essential by ..
It was missing verb, so it should be added by 'were'

2. ... work in 1997 and 20022006 ...
Because in the tabel, it happens in 1997 and 2006. I think it is so crucial for task response, because of wrong data

3. In overall, you need to mention the year, do not only 'by year'. For instance, in 1997 and 2006

Thank you
Break a leg
mardian24   
Nov 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / Without action to solve this problem, electronics may destroy a relationship between loved people [2]

Hi bada, I'm trying to make some comments

Introduction

In introduction, you have told about general statement,paraphrase the question, and make a thesis statements. It is brief, effective, and clear introduction. But you need to mention all the key ideas, in this question the ideas are, electronic media, negative effect, and relationship. You missed to tell about relationship between people. It is better for you to mention all of the idea in introduction or maybe you can tell on your body paragraf.

I want to make an the last introduction based on your idea

... I totally agree with that electronic media will give bad effect for people to make a relationship.

# who usinguse an electronic media ..
You need to include a verb after conjuction

Thank you
Break a leg
mardian24   
Nov 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / How to produce power energy using wind turbine with its proper location [6]

Hi bada, I want to make some comments

1. ... how producingproduce power energy ...
You need a verb after 'how', so producing should be replaced by produce

2. ... The equipments that needed ...
Equipment is uncountable, hence just write 'equipment' without s

3. Overall, wind turbine which areis located in hill ...
Because there is only one wind turbine, you should use singular verb.
are ---> is

Thank you
Break a leg
mardian24   
Nov 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / The owner of a company is focused primarily to make his company getting more benefits [2]

The purpose of businesses is to make money and they should concentrate only on this. Do you agree or disagree?

In this modern era, there are many companies that have existed and growth. It happens because the owner is focus to make his company getting more benefits. However, I tend to disagree because lots of the other attention things must to do besides business itself.

Giving the best effort is very essential for someone who have business and want to get plenty of money. People need to discipline and concentrate only in specific aspect. Also, the effect is that customers will trust their business and buy everything that they sell. As a result, they will earn much money because of hard-working and focus on purpose. For instance, in the past McDonald was small shop that sold little food. Because the owner had good spirit and focus on his restaurant, he could get a lot of incomes. Thus, people must do everything maximally and only focus with one specific thing especially for doing a business.

Many things that companies need to focus on, such as social, environment, and the condition of their employee itself. The company cannot focus only to get much money, they have to remember about social effect which is very important to deal with. For instance, Pertamina has an activity to give a donation near the office to help poor people life better than before. So, companies do not have to focus only about getting money, but they have to understand about people who have given contribution to the company and it is better to share happiness to many people.

To sum up, getting lots of money is essential for companies, but they have to thing about another aspect. In my opinion, I think company will grow quickly if they have awareness with other people and do not only thing about benefit for their company.
mardian24   
Nov 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / Exploring every part of a house in search of a slots through which the air is leaking [3]

The diagram below shows how heat is lost and energy wasted in a house because of air getting into and out of the house.Writi

The diagram provides about the process how air flow into and out of the house and make a heat loss in a house. Overall, it can be seen that air flow into a house from below side of the roof and flow out from roof.

Firstly, air come from many places, such as dryer vent, outdoor faucet, kitchen fan vent, electrical outlet, window, and door. After that the air from bottom side or first floor flow to the second floor. And then, in second floor there is an air come from electrical outlet, kitchen fan vent, window, and door. Together with the air from first floor, it flows to the upside into the roof.

However, heat loss happens on the roof. The process begin with the air entering the roof from second floor. After that, heat flow to the outside from bathroom fan velt and plumbing stack vent. Next, recessed lights make heat that will flow from the roof as well. In one hand, attic hatch through the chase from second floor and go outside to flow the heat.



  • Question
mardian24   
Nov 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / The picture illustrates the flow of air leaks and heat loss in houses [5]

Hi ifra, let me give some opinions

... of air getting into houses is ...
... of air out of houses ...
... into the first floor in houses ...
... is built in houses ...
... the heat loss in houses ...
Because only one house

... from second floor which is,such as window and kitchen ...
To give examples you can use 'such as'

Thank you
Break a leg
mardian24   
Nov 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / Let Heat lost and Energy Waste by Air Flows [2]

Hi Ana, let me give some comments

1 ...that getgets out and get ...
We are talking about air which is uncountable, so you should use singular verb
get ----> gets

2. It passes all the partparts of the first and ...
because there are many parts in this home, you can use plural form

3. It can rise to the second floor by evaporating process
It is true that water flow by evaporating process. But it can be an opinion. Because in the question there is mention about evaporation. So to avoid your own opinion, it is better to not using it.

Thank you
break a leg
mardian24   
Nov 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / The pie charts present about the relationship between employees and supervisor and their work-mates [2]

The charts below show the results of surveys in 2005 and 2009 asking workers about their relationship with their supervisors and their co-workers.

The pie charts present about the relationship between employees and supervisor and their work-mates in 2005 and 2009 based on surveys. Overall, it can be seen that the highest percentage both relationship with supervisor and job partners are very good and it's always more than fifty percent while the lowest percentage are don't have work-mates in 2005 and 2009.

In relationship with supervisor, there was an increase in very good percentage over 4-years period. It changed from 61 percent to 65 percent when there was a decrease in good results from 26 percent to 22 percent. Beside that, in don't have a supervisor there was an increase from 1 percent to 5 percent when there was a steady percentage in poor answer at 2 percent.

In relationship with co-workers, there was an increase in very good results from 63 percent to 70 percent while there were a decrease in good and fair results, from 28 percent to 25 percent and 7 percent to 3 percent respectively. But in 2009 there was not employees that have poor answer.



  • Question
mardian24   
Nov 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / The appearance is very significant information about people's interest and sometimes their beliefs [2]

Some people say that the clothes people wear are the most important indication of what they are like. Others, however, say that people should not be judged by the clothes they wear.

Clothes have developed in this modern era and they have been a fashion for many people. Appearance is very significant information about people's interest while sometimes it can be perception how people think about someone else. However, I think fashion is essential to predict people's life, but it is not absolutely true.

Various fashion styles that people have used in the century. From fashion, people know which clothes people like and it can be caused by financial condition. The rich usually wear luxury and branded product because they have much money to buy expensive clothes when the poor only wear standard clothes. Even they have same fashion mode, wealthy people certainly love higher class fashion than the poor. For instance, legislation council and farmer want to buy white t-shirt. And the result is so different in quality. Therefore, people's styles is indicate what they interest and it can be influenced by another factor.

Many reasons why people like trendy clothes or juts simple cothes happen today. It is hard to know that they are rich or not. For instance, Bill Gates always worn black long hand t-shirt while they published his product or had conference in from of people. It does not mean that he does not have enough money to buy expensive clothes. It is happen because he loves simple clothes. However, people should not underestimate people based on their fashion style, because sometimes it is opposite what we are thingking about.

All in all, people prefer to wear clothes that they like but it does not mean they are bad in financial. However, in my opinion, fashion is an art so it cannot be a tools for judging someone.

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