Undergraduate / Struggling to Answer - UBC Personal Profile question - WHAT IS IMPORTANT TO YOU AND WHY [2]

@nsliwa
Hello. Good luck with your application! I hope that my feedback helps you somehow.

Firstly, let me address the fact that you shouldn't necessarily be too conscious when answering these types of essays. Remember that they do actually want you to talk about your experiences, therefore it wouldn't come off as boastful even if you tried hard.

From the looks of it, your writing is very well-written. You were able to beautifully knit together your experiences without being too overbearing for the evaluators. In hindsight, I do think that you could have improved your writing a bit more if you focused more on what that transition from IB Diploma to Certificate meant. Tackle it more in its technical level to give evaluators a better idea on what you are trying to mention in the text.

Undergraduate / Enriched through learning - UBC application question, what is important to you and why? [2]

@MacSir
Hi there. Thanks for coming to the site! I hope that this feedback of mine gives you an idea on how to improve your writing.

I appreciate the straightforward approach in the first paragraph. You were clear in what the important qualities meant to you - and this was echoed throughout the rest of your writing. As for the latter parts of the text, I find that you needed to hammer down more on experiences that are more relevant. For example, while you may find the need to talk about your experiences in the 10th grade, they don't really have much of a bearing in today's time because it's quite an outdated experience. Try to add more relevant and up-to-date experiences.

Aside from that, I think you're heading in the right direction. Keep this up!

Writing Feedback / Job satisfaction versus well-paid job [2]

@vuvietha
Hi there. Thanks for coming to the site once more! I hope that my feedback will help you improve your writing.

Generally speaking, the introduction is already quite good. It was straightforward - and yet, it also was packed with the necessary information to make the text more comprehensible.

Delving deeper into the writing, however, II find that you needed to work a bit more on the general flow of your text. Focus more on incorporating necessary punctuation marks to create for a smoother transition. Try to also omit unnecessary words throughout the writing. For instance, there were instances wherein you had inserted "that" just as an excessive word without a specific purpose. While these words may not do a lot of harm from the get-go, they definitely can be treated as just excessive language throughout.

I also noticed that you used two different examples in the third paragraph. This is excessive - just stick to one that has more weight to it. Comparisons outside of it do not really add anything other than over-explanations.

I feel as though the insertion of mental health in the discussion was a bit much for the rest for the writing because it's an over-extension. Stick with just the discussion of lifestyles - and maybe, you can add information about mental health on the latter parts of the discussion. This will make the writing a lot more comprehensible and easier to digest.

Writing Feedback / Translation of an article about remote work. (Needs revision) [5]

@Nasridean
Hi! Welcome to the site. I hope that the feedback you receive here gives you a clearer vision of what you should expect from the rest of the writing.

If you're aiming for a more natural or organic writing approach, I heavily recommend that you try to focus more on your articulation than anything else. For example, instead of saying that working remotely is trendy, you could have opted to describe it as the newest innovation in working. Notice how the latter has more weight to it than how it was previously described.

Being clearer with your language also goes a long way. Try to simplify the sentences on the last paragraph to ensure that you aren't going to be misunderstood in the rest of the text. Also, there's also a bit of confusion with the direction that you were trying to take your writing into. The whole link between "countries visited by business travelers" and the overall idea of remote work doesn't really flow well with the rest of the text.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1-Comparative Graph CO2 [3]

@JoyceTran
Hi there! Thanks for coming to the site. I hope that the feedback you receive here will be helpful for your writing endeavors. Don't hesitate to approach us if you have any other questions!

Firstly, I think that the transition between the facts could still be improved if you focused more on organizing details of your text. For instance, the first sentence from the get-go needed to be shortened. You could opt to remove filler words that do not add value/substance to the rest of the text since this will help you crystallize the rest of your writing.

Be cautious as well of the formation of your sentences, specifically in references to your tenses. Currently, I have observed that you have a tendency to over-do some parts of the text. For instance, going back to the first paragraph, the last phrase should have had the "was" omitted from it to create something more concise.

Try your best to implement these to the rest of your writing. Good luck as always.

Writing Feedback / Ielts task 2 - knowing how to behave well and learn god manners - such wisdom from school or home? [2]

@kl8600530z
Hi. Thanks for coming to the site! I hope that the feedback you receive here becomes helpful for your writing endeavors. Don't hesitate to approach us again if you have any additional questions.

The first paragraph from the get-go needed to be diluted and separated into three to four different sentences. Create shorter and simpler sentences that will make it easier for you to shape the rest of your writing, especially since you are dealing with such elaborate details.

Be cautious as well of the tenses and the forms of your verbs. Bear in mind the whole subject-and-verb-agreement notion that dictates how you should morph your writing.

It's also quite unnecessary to repeatedly mention that both of these factors are what "play a huge role" to the students, especially because you've already established this from the very beginning. Mentioning them too many times just appears to be an excessive use of word count - and this is imperative since you are working confined within these limits

The ending conclusion also has to include a more balanced approach to everything to create something that's more substantial. Try to stick with this as much as you can.

Undergraduate / UBC essay about my diary as the most important thing to me [2]

@Bassant7
Hi there! Thanks for coming to the forum. I'll give you the appropriate feedback that you're asking for.

Personally, I do not think that this essay is particularly too personal for university purposes. However, you might want to cut down on the vague language; attempt to make something crystallized out of the situation instead of a mere shadow of what happened. If you are able to do this, you will truly be able to show the evaluators the value of the work that you are promoting. Also, I suggest trying to shift the focus of the writing from embracing the worthless moments of your life to something that's a tad bit more positive. While you were trying to relay these details on the second paragraph, I find that you should have inserted it in the earlier parts of the text, considering the fact that you needed to compartmentalize your writing a lot more. Try to insert some parts discussing courage on the earlier parts of the writing to make it clearer that this is part of your intentions to write.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 (to speak a foreign language can cause problems) [2]

@phantommandy
Hi there. Thanks for coming to the forum! I hope that this feedback gives you an idea of how to improve your writing.

First and foremost, try to shift the tone of your writing to something that's more formal. Especially since this is an IELTS task, it is imperative to ensure that you have an academic standard for your writing. For instance, if we take a look at the first paragraph's introductory sentence, you should have changed it to be able to ensure that you're relaying the details with more ease.

Being more technically correct with your writing is also imperative for the rest of your text. If I read what you've presented in your second paragraph, it was still a bit unclear what specifically you were trying to put out as your thesis statement. Try to be clearer with your language to ensure that you aren't going to be misinterpreted by your readers in the long-run.

The concluding paragraph should also be treated with the same regard.

Writing Feedback / Online Studing - Positive or Negative? - IELTS Writing Task 2 [2]

@thinhvuduc1210
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! I'm here to give you feedback on your writing - and I hope that it somehow helps you out!

Firstly, you could have easily improved the first parts of the writing if only you had focused more on simplifying your utterances. For instance, instead of shifting around with varied types of terminologies, it would have been better if you stuck with only using online studying as it is more appropriate and commonplace to use in these situations. This would make your content a lot less baffling in the long-run because it will show how dedicated you are to the rest of the text. Sticking with these sorts of appropriate content will go a long way in being clearer.

Furthermore, the concluding remarks also have to be improved. Considering that you had such bulky texts, it would have been way nicer if you inserted more depth into this part of the writing to ensure that you are relaying the information in a clearer light. If you are able to do this, it would make your writing appear more put-together because the conclusion is imperative for the rest of the writing to become tied together.

Writing Feedback / A summary of an article on The Guardian about phenomenon brain drain and its causes [2]

@HienRyan
Hey, welcome to the forum! I hope that the feedback you receive here becomes helpful for you. Don't hesitate to ask for more questions should you have any!

Firstly, it is critical that you write with clarity because this will determine how well-received the rest of the writing will be. For instance, the first sentence is overcrowded with information that could have been omitted for you to be able to comprehend the text with more ease - and without tugging the rest of the text. You also didn't need to incorporate quotation marks for the term brain drain as you were simply reiterating without introducing something new.

When you're writing, the formatting of the words you're using is extremely important. For example, do not just say that it is "better and more proper" when you could have opted for other words such as more beneficial. In that regard, you would have been able to create a more effective writing pattern for your essay to evade being baffling to the readers.

Lastly, always connect everything back to the concept that you've introduced. You made mention of brain drain in the earlier part of the text; however, you no longer used it in the latter parts, which is confusing given that it's supposed to be the core message of your writing. Always be cautious of the direction that your writing is heading into.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 mixed with table and pie chart - people in Australia [2]

@dhcuber
Hello, welcome to the forum! I hope that the feedback you receive from me somewhat helps you in your learning endeavors. Don't hesitate to approach again if you have any other questions.

When there are ways for you to make mention of certain parts of the text without necessarily needing to create baffling content, this would be a lot better for your writing in the long-run. Not only will this allow you to save space that can used more productively in latter parts of the essay, but it also teaches you to prioritize what information you are using here. In that regard, I think that the omission of unnecessary information, excessive descriptors, and repetitive lines would serve you well for the rest of the writing. If we take a look at what you currently have, the third paragraph could have been shrunk more to create something more straightforward. Try to stick with just the basic information before you even try to make an analysis, hence move the second paragraph to the very last portions of the text.

Writing Feedback / IELTS GT WRITING TASK 1: You would like to do a PT job while you are studying in another country [3]

@plforielts
Hi there. Thanks for your continuous approach towards the site - and I hope that the feedback you receive will somewhat help you in your learning endeavors. Don't hesitate to approach if you have any other additional questions!

Your way of writing is extremely commendable already. Albeit a bit edgy at times because of the lack of organic flow in the text, it was still quite beautifully written. Keep this up! However, I do suggest that you work a bit more on enhancing the reasoning that you use in your writing by packaging your phrasing more delicately. For instance, there was really no need for you to mention that the "currency exchange fluctuation" due to the fact that it's irrelevant for the writing.

Being more specific tremendously helps also. Instead of mentioning vaguely that you have experiences already, try to be specific of its duration, what you did, and how long you worked in your previous jobs. Doing this will help tailor-fit your writing a lot more to be more concise in the direction and purpose.

Writing Feedback / Spending comparison among five countries - ielts task 1 writing [4]

@windy
Hello! It would be helpful if you would include the table's photo for the people in the forum to clearly see what you are evaluating for this essay.

Although it's a small part of the writing, remember to practice the very basics that you have to have hold of. This includes punctuation, spacing, and integrating proper transition words. I observed that you struggle with all these three in your messages - perhaps because you had a tendency to jump from one portion of the text to the other.

It is also helpful for you to remove unnecessary parts of the text. For instance, notice how if you removed the phrase "in all five countries" in the immediate first paragraph, it would still mean the same thing. Realizing this pattern of logic will help you trim down your writing to only what is necessary, which is oftentimes what is sought after in practice essays as they test your grasp of the basics before presuming you have skills in the complex parts of it all.

Undergraduate / UBC Personal Profile, List One or Two Substantial Activities. [3]

@mguo
Hello! I'm here to give feedback on your writing.

The first mistake that I noticed in your writing would be the inevitable unnecessary lengthening of messages throughout it. When we take a look at the first paragraph, there were numerous signs of this. One would be how you had used three descriptors in the first sentence even though they virtually mean the same thing. This takes away precious space from your word count that could have been allocated elsewhere. You did the same midway in the writing when you mentioned that there are conversations or simple interactions that took place - both of these mean the same thing also.

Apart from being more aware of that, try to always be mindful of your usage of preposition and punctuation. When it comes to punctuation, try to play around with semi-colons as a way to transition instead of using commas, especially when they're more appropriate in the context. Prepositions should be observed carefully also. For example, your first paragraph's second sentence should have had an of instead of a from. Being more mindful of these mistakes will help you tremendously in the long-run.

Writing Feedback / Essay about whether human fight against climate change or finding new habitable planet? [3]

@d1a9t99
Hey, welcome here! I will give feedback on your writing.

When it comes to the appropriate word choices, I have observed that you have a tendency to over-complicate your language. While it certainly doesn't have an absolutely dreadful impact to your writing, it does slightly affect the way that your writing will be received. For example, observe how the concluding remarks were written. Instead of mentioning blatantly that there is "grave trouble" to appear as though there's an impending concern, you could have expounded this through specifying the details laid out.

Also, try not to leave pieces of information just hanging around in the open. For example, you mentioned the use of eco-friendly products, however you left it just hanging around afterward without explaining even briefly how this correlates with the rest of the text. Remember that depth is more important than scattered information that's unexplained as this is the ultimate determiner of the writing's reciprocation.

Undergraduate / Beyond the silence! / Personal essay / Common App : Discuss an accomplishment, event.... [3]

@zabdou
Hello, welcome to the forum. Here's my feedback on your writing.

I noticed that you had one of the most common tendencies for writing mistakes - and that is, you were continuously bloating the text with information that's not necessarily contributing anything to the text that you have. This also includes incorporating excessive words into the text even though they're not adding depth to the writing. For instance, in your introductory paragraph's third sentence, the first phrase here was packaged poorly. You could have just mentioned that it was a dreading experience for you and ended it from that. When you described your childhood memories, there was no need to add both enjoyable and memorable since they pertain to nearly the same thing already.

Aside from this, the ending was truly a clever compilation of texts. I appreciate how you were able to incorporate creativity to create something that's meaningful for your writing.

Writing Feedback / Gaming skills are very beneficial and functional for being successful in your life. [2]

@bita92
Welcome to the forum! Don't hesitate to ask if you have any other questions after reading my feedback.

Packaging is extremely important in writing - bear this in mind. For instance, while there wasn't anything that was glaringly wrong with the first paragraph (except for a few technical slip-ups in the first sentence), the poor packaging made it a bit difficult to comprehend and appreciate certain parts of the writing. What you could have done was simply mention the line "playing games teaches us about life" before reiterating that there are lessons to be learned with playing games that aren't just limited to the virtual world.

The same goes for the rest of your writing. Make a more comprehensive and straightforward simple sentence instead of how you labeled the first body paragraph. If you're focusing on a specific trait, describe it first prior to explaining how it correlates with gaming.

Being more discreet and conservative with writing will be beneficial for you since you struggle with complex utterances.

Undergraduate / Most Important activity: volunteering a Zither store/ UBC personal Profile [2]

@k009999
Welcome to the forum! I hope my feedback gives you somewhat of an idea of how to improve your writing.

Like what I said to a previous forum member, packaging truly changes the game when you are writing. Puny mistakes can go a long way, dragging your content even if you are trying to make it as sensible as possible. For example, if we take a look at your first sentence, you could have easily mentioned that you had learned a lot from your volunteer experience at the store instead of reiterating what the question is. Doing this gives you leverage, making you appear more truthful to the rest of the writing.

There is also no need for you to mention details that are unnecessary to the rest of the writing's purpose. In this question, they were mostly asking you about what you learned from the experience. From that, it is easy to understand that they don't necessarily need to know all the technical information regarding the experience. Be mindful of this because it can impact your writing in the long-run.

Be cautious as well of the way you knit your sentences together, especially because this can affect your writing's overall comprehension. Stick with simpler sentences if you can because this will be a lot more appropriate and easier to digest.

Essays / Need help with these questions for a scholarship! (curriculum, favorite courses, topics) [2]

@fadwasaleh
A lot of your question can only be answered if you provide details about the scholarship you are applying for. However, vaguely speaking, when they're asking for your personal background, it will be entirely up to you how you wish to respond to this. Some people opt for a more creative route where they talk about skills and virtues; others focus on their successes over the past years. Focus on the course that you feel has more association with what you're applying for since that's really what they're typically more curious about. In terms of structure, there's really no plain answer to this. Applications are entirely based on the personal preference of the applicant, hence why one formatting can be treated as irrelevant by someone else. Simply focus on what you feel suits your personal application better based on your background.

Graduate / "Gold Medal" - Statement of Purpose for MBA program in Sofia University, Palo Alto [2]

@MiniBauce
Welcome! Here's my feedback for your writing.

While I think that the narration in the first paragraph was interesting, I think that the delivery can be improved if you were more straightforward from the very beginning. It took you numerous sentences before mentioning that you are applying for this program due to these events. I suggest that you move this somewhat of a thesis statement to the beginning portion since the evaluators would appreciate it to have more direction in your writing. When you're writing, always ask yourself afterward how you intend to fulfill these experiences.

I appreciate the formatting of the text because it had a logical approach to the application. However, I find that certain parts should have been improved by omitting portions that aren't really doing anything for your writing. Also, be cautious of areas that can baffle your evaluators instead of inspire them. For example, you had two very different reasons why you wanted to launch your business and apply for the program (first and third paragraphs respectively). Be more concise with your patterns of writing.

Be more balanced with your writing and learn to prioritize only what needs to be prioritized.

Writing Feedback / Studying at university or college compared to get a job straight after school [2]

@thiannie
I'm here to give feedback on your writing. Don't hesitate to approach once more if you have any other questions.

Firstly, avoid over-explaining pieces of information in your writing. For example, the first sentence could have been trimmed down more as you didn't really need to mention that university and colleges are part of the higher education. These types of information are quite common knowledge, hence reiterating is unnecessary and only adds baggage to your writing.

Be cautious of your usage of punctuation marks throughout. Transitions are imperative because they can make or break how academically-appropriate the formatting of your text will be received.

Furthermore, there's also an imbalance in your text distribution. While the second paragraph was extensively (and even overtly) explained, the third one didn't have much to hold onto anymore. Remember to omit what's irrelevant to have more space for important discussions as this will help you develop a more elaborate mindset.

Writing Feedback / ielts task 2 (agree or disagree that wealthy countries should help poor countries.............) [4]

@laabobe
Hello, Laabobe. Welcome here! We hope that the feedback you will receive will somehow help you learn something from the forum.

Firstly, be cautious of the form of words you are using. It doesn't matter which type of word it is - the appropriate word should fit like a glove in the writing. The more exposed you are to a native speaker's language and type of writing, the better you will be at spotting these sorts of mistakes. For the get-go, it was clear that the first paragraph had a couple of lapses in it. The first sentence, for instance, needed to omit "those" in there. You haven't discussed anything yet since it's the thesis statement, hence there's nothing to point at to make it appropriate to use that word.

Cut dragging sentences into shorter and more concise ones to help you with writing. If we take a look at the third paragraph's second sentence, it is clear that you had a tendency to over-extend your utterances instead of sticking with a basic format. Be mindful of this when you can. Even in the conclusive remarks, the same issue was also prominent.

Undergraduate / Hockey and losing weight - UBC Personal Profile: Tell us about who you are?... [3]

@Arsidhu
Hello there. I hope you're doing well. This is my feedback on your writing that I hope somehow helps you.

Be more precise with your language as much as possible. When working with word counts, it is critical that you know which parts of the essay to omit and which to keep. This will help you be more mindful of each word that you insert into the writing, letting you have a more productive method of writing afterward. For instance, take a look at your third paragraph. The second sentence, in particular, could have been compressed to creating something that's shorter and yet still properly written out.

Try not to jump around also with descriptions because you won't be able to elaborate all of those key words. I noticed that you mentioned being a supportive friend by the very end; however, even these sorts of information weren't properly fleshed out in the writing. I suggest finding a descriptor that comes close to being determined to create something that's more parallel to what you already have in mind, allowing you to connect everything with minimal effort exerted.

Writing Feedback / Both homes and schools have an equal meaning in shaping kids to become well-rounded citizens [4]

@phanhyeudoi1711
Welcome to the forum! I hope my feedback gives you an idea on how to improve this essay.

One of the fundamental mistakes I have observed with writers who contribute here is the fact that people tend to over-exert their writing to the point that it would come out as dull more than appropriate. Evade this as much as possible by being concise with language usage. Irrelevant and unnecessary pieces of information shouldn't have space in your writing because you are working with a bunch of technical content. Apply this to your first paragraph. I have noticed that you could have merged the first few sentences instead of having repetitive thoughts sprinkled discreetly throughout.

Furthermore, be cautious of your usage of punctuation throughout. Be mindful of the rules of when to place or omit. This will give you leverage because they're more specific parts of the writing that are often overlooked by others.

Scholarship / Medical physics - QEC scholarship; Development impact and post study outreach [3]

@XPROFF
Hello. Thank you for coming to the site! Hopefully, my feedback will somehow help you in this essay.

When writing, remember to be extra critical of the fundamental details of your writing. More specifically, as can be noticed from your writing, the first parts of the essay appear to be rather cluttered. You need to make sure that you abide by the conventional rules of appropriate usage of punctuation, spacing, and the like. Once you have settled this in, you can work better with the content of the writing itself.

You have a clear tendency to over-explain as well. Try your best to avoid excessive language in order to properly expound the reasons as to why you have chosen this program. For example, you didn't really need to explain the whole educational system aspect in the third paragraph given that it draws attention away from the primary context: the knowledge and skills gained. Always be mindful of how you place information as you do not really have sufficient time here to write excessively without a care for the writing.

Undergraduate / SSRF - motivation letter for applying a project [3]

@Chenxi_D
Welcome here! I'm here to provide feedback on this essay of yours to hopefully help you in your future endeavors.

The first introductory sentence was great. However, from then onward, you had quite a lot of excessive details that cluttered your writing. For instance, inserting how you want to "contribute to the literature" in the very first paragraph was quite baffling as the rest of your text didn't necessarily discuss this. Instead, what you could have done was shifted this line to the bulky body paragraph and made it the central point of discussion when it comes to your long-term motivations - the reasons why you want to be part of the program.

Try to also create more concise sentences that do not have filler words in them. For example, in your second to the last paragraph, you could have merged the second sentence into something which would reflect that the "idea of critical thinking as seen by the integration of ideas" was your purpose. Notice how lines such as this are more cohesive and do not sacrifice a great deal of the writing.

Writing Feedback / In some countries at secondary or high school, there may be two streams of study [2]

@hoangrobin
Hello, welcome to the forum! I hope that my feedback gives you an idea on how to improve your writing.

You can firstly try to avoid being vague when it comes to composing your texts. For instance, the last two sentences of the first paragraph weren't able to successfully relay what their intentions to the writing are. This makes it increasingly difficult to comprehend the texts themselves given the vagueness of language. To help this, try asking yourself to deepen the opinions by not just scratching the very surface level of the writing.

Try to also evade using excessive language that won't necessarily benefit you in the long-run. For instance, the second paragraph's third sentence up until the last portions tended to have repetitive sentences that weren't necessarily giving out a clear idea of what you were trying to explain. Being more concise is critical for you to be able to show the readers that you have grasp and are certain of what you're stating.

Undergraduate / Law and Humans - UCAS University Law Personal Statement Essay [2]

@melissafng
Hi! Welcome. I'm here to provide you with feedback on this write-up. I hope this helps somehow.

First and foremost, I think it was great that you were able to introduce the basic portions of the writing in the initial parts. You had a comprehensive approach to the write-up, making it easier for the people to fully dissect what you were saying. I also appreciate the introduction since it was clear in its intent and purpose. Keep this up.

However, I think that what you can work on more would be trying to be more cautious of the technical angles of the discussion. For example, be mindful of capitalization that's out of place and the misuse of punctuation marks. Having less of a hold over these facets can definitely impede on the progression of your writing, especially since you're working with a supposed educational work.

The last paragraph, which is supposed to be the conclusion, is still a bit weak because you were unable to tie altogether every bit of information that you introduced in the initial parts of the writing. I highly recommend that you maintain a dedicated focus to the writing to ensure that you will be able to properly cap every piece of data that you've incorporated here.

Undergraduate / UBC Personal profile question: Club - Important activities - Hackathon [2]

@marethyu12
Hello, welcome to the forum! Here's my feedback on your writing that I hope will somehow be of help to you.

First and foremost, I think that you should have introduced a more detailed outlook on what the activities are immediately upon introducing them. For instance, take a look at your first paragraph. The first few sentences here, from the get-go, doesn't necessarily provide an explanation on the scope of responsibilities that you have as a member/participant of these club leadership activities. Due to this reason, it is imperative that you establish a central point of discussion prior to expounding everything else. Again, this is also applicable to the second activity that you introduced.

Furthermore, try to be more specific with these activities. In the first activity, it was still unclear what specifically you had done in the club leadership activities. Try to detail out the specific steps that you had done in order to abide by these rules. The latter parts of the writing should be treated with the same regard.

Technically-speaking, your writing is decently fine in terms of grammar, punctuation, and the like - you just truly need to work more on being more specific. Write as though you are explaining everything to someone who's fully unaware of what these terms mean.

Graduate / Question on the amount of personality within my Digital Media Arts Graduate Statement of Purpose [2]

@jwoakley
Welcome to the forum! I'm here to provide feedback on your writing. Please don't hesitate to approach just in case you have any other additional questions that you'd like me to work on.

I appreciate the formatting that you used on the first part paragraph of the write-up. However, I do wish that you were a bit more consistent in terms of how you were writing. For instance, it was quite baffling how you transitioned here from one point up until the third one. Try to make use of more standardized and consistent transitions such as firstly, secondly, and lastly.. Doing this will make your writing appear a lot more polished.

When you introduce values into your writing, try to make sure that they're more consistent. For instance, the second paragraph's introduction of social justice still appeared to be rather vague. Try to be more specific - what are these values and how do they achieve equality. Once you've established it, then you can tackle how media can be of assistance to such ventures. Doing this will certainly give you a more logical writing pattern.

Again, avoid being vague when introducing yourself because you'll end up selling yourself short. For example, what can you bring forward concretely (not just values such as giving 'diverse experiences' to the curriculum) that's deeply attached to the core of these concerns? If you can be more specific, it will go a long way in your writing.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK2 - Free Subjects Decisions? [2]

@roswita116
Hi, thanks for coming to the forum! I'll be giving you feedback on this writing.

First and foremost, try to be more concise in your overall composition. This will help you clear up space that'll be useful for in-depth portion of the text. For instance, simplifying the first paragraph can help you add more substance to the latter portions of the text. Generally speaking, doing this will help you solidify your writing. You can do this through omitting irrelevant portions of the text. In the first paragraph, the third and fourth sentences seem to be rather alike - hence, you can get away with focusing on just one of them.

Try to implement the same logical pattern for the rest of your write-up. The second paragraph's second sentence, for instance, could have been simplified through just saying that these subjects are irrelevant. You do not need to over-explain when it's not necessarily being asked for.

The summary at the very end should be treated with the same regard. Additionally, ascertain that your usage of punctuation marks are still on-point to lock in your writing to its very core.

Undergraduate / From Germany to Florida - UBC Personal Profile: "Tell us about who you are..." [3]

@tararanganatha
Hi! Welcome to the forum. I hope that this feedback somehow helps you in your writing endeavors.

I appreciate the flow of your writing because it is indeed easy to follow. I do think, however, that you should have jumped in the writing in a more straightforward manner. Since the prompt is asking you a question, try to answer it by the very beginning of your writing - this is currently in your last sentence.

Afterward, you can start by dissecting the details value per value. This will make it a lot more organized. What you can do is follow the order of writing you have now with regard your moving history, and then try to incorporate the values in each specific location.

Scholarship / MY PERSONAL STATEMENT OF PURPOSE FOR PTDF SCHOLARSHIP TO STUDY Msc IN ENVIRONMENTAL POLICY [2]

@Ulamas14
Hi, welcome to the site! Here's my feedback for your writing.

Academic writing requires that you have appropriate punctuation, spacing, and usage of preposition. Be extra cautious of these facets of writing since they're integral parts to show that you truly know how to write parallel to the standard that they're asking from you.

Furthermore, in the second paragraph, I noticed that the first sentence immediately is just a run-on sentence. Be more direct and specific. You should be cultivating sentences that are a lot more simplified as well for this is how you create more comprehensible pieces of text.

Since this is for your personal statement, including just these details will be insufficient. Incorporate certain things such as your academic and professional background. Be as specific and detailed as possible for only then will they truly know what your intent in the write-up is.

Writing Feedback / The number of bee colonies and how much honey they produce [2]

@majid61
Welcome to the forum! I hope that this feedback of mine gives you insight on how to improve this writing. Before anything else, it would be helpful if you are able to include a photo next time of the graph to help us analyze your writing.

From what I can tell, you have a tendency to create unnecessarily long sentences. Some clear examples of this are the first paragraph's second sentence and the second paragraph's first sentence. Both of these clearly should have been cut down to two to three sentences - however, you were unable to do this for whatever reason.

If you want to create a more integral writing approach, try to evade confusing formatting when you are writing. For instance, the numbers should have had commas in between the zeros that would indicate how large the numbers actually are. Simply clustering them altogether like this won't do you any benefit, especially since it just appears to be cluttered than anything else.

The conclusion also needs to not be about what is in the chart itself - rather, this should be an analysis of the overall observation in a way that doesn't introduce new data into the write-up.

Graduate / Personal Statement - Erasmus Mundus Tourism Development & Culture [4]

@LoyceVeenings
Welcome to the forum! I hope my feedback gives you insight on how to improve your writing.

While I think that it's great that you wanted to be more creative in the first paragraph, it still lacks that standard introduction into what you are applying for. You only mentioned that you're being led to the MA program for tourism; however, you weren't clear (only introduced it midway) where exactly you are applying for. All these specifics are imperative when we're discussing technical content, considering the fact that you need to show that you're serious about your application.

Your writing also appears to be a bit cluttered - there's no apparent structure that would tell the readers anything about the writing. I would rather that you try your best to incorporate a more structured/organized appeal. You can either (a) focus on the values that you bring forward as a student or (b) focus on your experiences and (very) specific skill sets that come with these. What you currently have is that you're jumping from values to experiences without having an organic transition. Be extra cautious of your management of data.

Writing Feedback / Is ability to relate to others enough to end up being successful ? [3]

@shahabs1992
Welcome to the forum! I hope that my feedback gives you an idea on how to improve your writing.

There's a very thin line between creative and excessive when it comes to writing. More often than not, you are sacrificing clarity when you're being excessive. This is something that I have observed from your essay. For instance, while the first paragraph is indubitably well-written because you articulated beautifully, this essay isn't necessarily a literary text (prose/poem). In that regard, you have to be extra cautious as you may risk being overlooked rather than being paid attention to.

When introducing concepts, simplifying it would be the most reliable way to go. Especially when you're introducing newer concepts that are integral for the core message of your content, you definitely need to focus more on the meaning than how you are writing it. If we take a look at the second paragraph, for instance, it was clear that your explanation of who an artist is still appears to be confusing due to the articulation.

Bear all of these opinions in mind next time you are writing.

Writing Feedback / Should rich nations share their strength with others? [3]

@hungxd08
Hi. Here's my feedback on this essay.

Be straightforward. When we take a glance at your first paragraph's introductory sentence, what hits me immediately is the fact that it's too lengthy for what you're trying to say. You could have just said that there are debates on wealth distribution and left it at that. Notice how packaging of words is crucial because it can make or break your writing. Even more so, in cases wherein you work within word counts, it becomes even more imperative to ensure that you are not wasteful in your language.

The conclusion is lacking primarily due to that fact. When you're so focused and centered on a specific idea, you will have a tendency to forget the rest of the writing that's also equally as important as those other parts. Try to keep all your paragraphs balanced and do not treat one part more important than the other as they are all equally looked at when evaluating the write-up.

Writing Feedback / Create a promotional brochure about a man-made wonder of Viet Nam [2]

@baotran114
Welcome to the forum. I hope my feedback helps you improve this brochure.

Be extra cautious when you're uttering your sentences. Bear in mind that for shorter sentences, it becomes even more important to ensure that your writing is technically correct since people are not so focused on the content. (Rather, people are more focused on the way that you write.

The second line needs to be improved in that regard. The scenery isn't necessarily located around the lake (since the succeeding sentence discussed the water itself); instead, it is lake itself. The easiest way to be mindful of this would be to source the logical flow of your writing. At one point, you will notice that your writing is going at the wrong direction.

Be more creative as well with your language after correcting the basics. You could have said, for example, that you are in awe of the lake instead of impressed by it because it conveys a deeper meaning.

The second line appears to be out of place as well.

Writing Feedback / Essay about having little leisure time and studying under a lot of pressure of youngster [3]

@Harry Nguyen
Welcome to the forum. Here is my feedback on your writing.

Good job on the content. The substance of the writing itself is quite good. However, most of your mistakes fall under the fact that you still weren't fully able to address to are related to the technical parts of the writing. For instance, the flow of your content still appears to be rather shallow because of the lack of appropriate punctuation marks.

If you take a look at the second paragraph, nearly all of the sentences are excessively long without the integration of appropriate pauses. If you can address this, it will certainly help your writing to be a lot more organized since you aren't so reliant on just one angle of the discussion.

Writing Feedback / Freedom of Speech and the Internet [3]

@bettybetty17940
Welcome to the forum! This is my feedback - hopefully, you are able to learn something from it.

The flow of content and manner of composition are both crucial parts of the writing since it will determine how "appropriate" your language appears to be. Try to be cautious of these two traits when reviewing your writing and revising your mistakes.

The first paragraph had an array of concerns ranging from inappropriate transition to one sentence to another up until the lack of usage of punctuation marks that are relevant for the building of information.

When you're introducing an issue to a set topic, try your best to link it properly. What I noticed is that your insertion of the topic of fake news just jumped out of nowhere without necessarily linking it to the idea of the freedom of speech. For this, you can answer this question and place the answer in the essay: why are people more inclined to distribute fake news with the actualization of the freedom of speech on the internet? Create a concise answer, paste it on the introduction, and properly transition to the core message.