Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1: various nutrition of two different dinners [7]


The two pie charts compare the percentage of several nutrients in medium baked potato and macaroni.


You can't use "rise" or "fall" in this essay as there is no change here.


Macaroni has higher proportions of carbohydrates and saturated fat than medium baked potato.


"enjoy" is the wrong word -> You had better write: Carbohydrates account for the highest proportion of both dinners


Meanwhile, saturated fat takes up over 20% of macaroni, doubling the corresponding figure for medium baked potato.



As I mentioned above, this is wrongly used. You should write: constitute a lower proportion


Again, this is incorrect. Also, it should be "the second most", not "the most second"


Protein is the same. Its percentage is different.



make up the highest percentage


five nutritional compounds
I hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / Changing trends of local access to the advanced technology in the UK from 1996 to 2003. [4]

It would be better if you provided us with the graph of this essay.


The graph illustrates the changes in


If you use "over", "during" is not necessary.


Is it a fluctuation or a downward trend?


it increased considerably

Writing Feedback / IELTS - CAM 5; three different countries population compare [4]


aged 65 or older


I think "elderly people" or "aging population" sounds better.
You write very well!

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1: various nutrition of two different dinners [7]

Hi, Kalyn. I haven't read this book yet but I think some of the phrases you used are too complicated. Sometimes, a very simple essay with great ideas and structure can help you to achieve a high score. Also, you need to know when to use these kinds of words rather than applying them in every essay. For example, I don't think the word "enjoy" is appropriate in this case. I hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / Changing trends of local access to the advanced technology in the UK from 1996 to 2003. [4]

Thank you very much, Kalyn. Actually, I tried to do these tasks as regularly as possible and read relevant topics on the Internet to pick some ideas for my essays. Keep practicing and I hope you will achieve your desirable score :)

Writing Feedback / The table below shows the monthly expenditure of an average Australian family in 1991 [3]


The table illustrates the changes in monthly spending of an average Australian household between 1991 and 2001.


I feel that both "At a glance" and "It can be seen that" mean the same. You could simply write "Overall".


I think that "other goods and services" were the biggest item of expenditure.
In the overview paragraph, you could indicate the change in total spending instead, for example: Overall, there was a rise in the total expenditure of an Australian family from 1991 to 2001.


It is not correct. Actually, electricity and water consumption experienced the most significant increase over the period.


This sentence is not aligned with your overview.


I don't quite get what you mean here and I don't think "expensive" is the right word.
I hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1: The pie chart; People living in poverty in the UK [5]


This part is not necessary.




,


It would be better if you could form an overview paragraph from these two sentences.

Writing Feedback / WRITING TASK 1: THE GRAPH; three different categories in the Britain economy [6]


a period of 100 years


"illustrates" sounds better.


UK economy


"However" is the wrong word here.


I don't think a rise of 6 percent is dramatic. You could write another way: As can be seen clearly, the most.... rising from 4 percent to around 35 percent in 2000.


The proportion of


I don't understand what you mean here.


were the main contributors of UK economy

Writing Feedback / WRITING TASK 1: THE GRAPH; three different categories in the Britain economy [6]

"Double" is the wrong word. You could say: The contribution of manufacturing decreased by half or The contribution of manufacturing experienced a reduction of 50%

Writing Feedback / Ielts line graph-percentage of population aged 65 and over [7]


aged


In 1940, elderly people represented 10% of USA population


which was the highest proportion


This was succeeded by a period of stabilization


You could start a new sentence from here to avoid a very long sentence.


overtaking that


Again, this could make a new sentence.

Writing Feedback / Ielts Essay task 1 : Different forms of entertainment over a five- year period [3]



In my opinion, your overview paragraph should have two sentences. The first is that one you wrote but the figure is not necessary. Save it for your detailed paragraphs. The second one is your last sentence "Money spent in cinemas..."

Also, pay attention to the tense in this essay. This should be simple past tense.

Writing Feedback / Ielts Writing task 1: The portion of different ages of the population in Yemen and Italy [4]

The first thing you should pay attention to is what tense should be used in your essay. In this kind of task, you should use simple past tense when reporting the features of 2000 and future tense for 2050. Also, your essay is too long (331 words - it is even longer than a Task 2 essay). In the real test, you have to complete 2 essays in only one hour so make sure to spend your time wisely.


The pie charts illustrate the changes in the proportion of different age groups in Yemen and Italy in 2000 and 2050.


the population aged 0 - 14 years old


accounted for the highest percentage in 2010


around half of the country


took up the second highest proportion. "Play an important role" is the wrong phrase in this case.


with 46.3%


I think "proportion" is a better word. Portion means a part of something.


increasing by 11%


You don't need to explain in Task 1 essay.


,


Both are wrongly used in this essay. It should be "the proportion of" or "the percentage of"


took up the largest proportion


it is projected to drop


the percentage of elderly people are predicted to increase


I don't think "popular" is the appropriate word.


This is not necessary.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - CAM 4 - TASK 1 - DEMAND FOR ELECTRICITY IN ENGLAND [6]


doubles the corresponding figure for the summer


You don't need to mention the figures in the overview paragraph.


And I agree with Arian!

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] What discovery in the last 100 years has been most beneficial for my country [6]


I don't think you should use "invention" instead of "discovery" as they have different meanings. The former means creating something new, while the latter is figuring out something that preexists. The internet is more like an invention to me, rather than a discovery.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Compare and contrast:taking a trip by oneself and taking a group tour with guidance [4]

This essay is too lengthy to me (more than 700 words). As you have to complete two tasks in one hour, this task 2 essay should contain around 300 words only.


You could merge these two sentences into one (Traveling has become an increasing demand ...)


Does the prompt ask you which one of them is more comfortable? If not, I feel that this sentence is a bit off-topic and you should focus on comparing and contrasting these kinds of traveling.


divided/split equally


Actually, I don't think that anybody "enjoys" that kind of feeling :)


I think you should choose one example and make it clear rather than listing every possible ideas. Otherwise, they make your paragraphs complicated and even hard to follow.

I hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / task 1- The pie chart below shows the main reasons why agricultural land [3]


The pie chart illustrates the main incentives why worldwide land was degraded.


The table depicts the effects of these causes on North America, Europe and Oceania during the 1990s.


This is not necessary.


degeneration/degradation


Out of the three regions surveyed


the highest percentage


Overgrazing had more impact on the loss of land productivity in Oceania

Writing Feedback / IELTS (Charts); electricity generation by source in New Zealand and Germany [4]

It will be better if you reduce your word count as the prompt asks you to select and report the main features rather than listing every detail. Also, remember that you have another essay to finish within one hour so this task 1 essay should consist of around 180 words.




This part is not necessary.


each of which accounted for
You should revise the tense used in this essay. You use present tense to describe the trends in some of your sentences, which is grammatically incorrect. Also, I think that there is another main feature that should be mentioned in the overview paragraph. It is the increase in total units in both countries from 1980 to 2010.

I hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Telephones and emails have made personal communication less required [5]



In my opinion, far from causing less personal communication, people can derive many benefits from telephones and email.


For instance


sometimes


Actually, they make communication more personal, rather than people.

Writing Feedback / IETLS TASK 1; CHARTS on results of a survey of adult education [7]


seven incentives for adult education in percentage terms.


I don't think this is clearly shown. Instead, you had better describe the main trends of the charts. For example: Overall, the majority of people take up their study because of their interest in subject. Also, individuals should be mainly responsible for their tuition fees.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 : Modern Technology make parents have no time for their children [5]

Your introduction makes me feel really confused. What is the full prompt of the essay? I guess this is about modern society rather than modern technology.


Your example is not clear and convincing. You could tell how busy the mother is to associate it with her children's minimal amount of time for fun. The divorce is not related to your topic sentence (busy with career).


Their tight schedule prevent them from participating in various extracurricular activities for recreation.


for a bright future prospect


As a consequence, children have to be absorbed in their assignment and have less time for conversation with their parents.


What do you mean by this sentence?


her family/parents
I hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / IELTS-CAM4-TRAVEL TO AND FROM THE UK AND MOST POPULAR COUNTRIES FOR UK RESIDENTS [4]

1.


It will be better if you use "both visits to and from the UK".
2.


I prefer the latter one, or you could say: but the latter rose more significantly.


This sentence ends abruptly. You could try another way, for example: The number of people traveling to and from the UK continued to increase over the next 20 years, with the former...

Overall, you write very well :)

Writing Feedback / Some teachers and parents suggest that rivalry between children should exist, while others don't [8]


This is OK but I think it would be better if you could state your opinion in the introduction.


This will help children learn how to...


secure a job


However, there is a darker side of this statement, that is, some people struggle to collaborate with others or perform their given duties due to their individualism and self-centeredness.


when they grow up


cooperation can increase work productivity/efficiency


You can omit this part.
I think you write well :) Keep practicing and good luck!

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1: THE TABLE/ Actual Vs Estimated house construction [5]


Likewise, 8100 houses were estimated to be constructed in the Central England, which was half the figure for the actual number.
You misuse the word "double" for several times. "Double" means twice as much in size, number or amount.


Southern England had the highest estimated as well as actual numbers of houses built in the UK.


was higher than


The second highest numbers were recorded in London with...


In Scotland, there were 3000 houses that were actually erected, falling short of its expectation of building 3200 houses.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; rejecting public educational system would not be better [4]


I feel that these sentences lack coherence with each other. Don't make your introduction too complicated. You could try another one, starting with Pahan's correction. For example:

Education plays a very important role in the development of children, both psychologically and physically. In my opinion, children should attend educational institutions for studying rather than being home-schooled.


Home education is insufficient for the growth of children, notably in terms of social interaction.


Homeschooled children have less chance to interact with other friends.
Your ideas needs to be rearranged. I find it quite difficult to follow your ideas.
I hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / IELTS: more and more pollution and waste are created everyday [7]

As this is one of your body paragraph, I think you should focus on one consequence of pollution and waste. For example, you can choose health-related problems for this paragraph and deterioration of life quality for the other paragraph.


You can merge these two sentences: For instance, residents could suffer from water-related diseases due to drinking contaminated water, such as diarrhea or fever.


In addition


This is not convincing enough and I feel that it is irrelevant to the aforementioned things.
Hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Ads result in high sales of well-received consumer goods. Agree or disagree? [4]


I don't think you need to mention which country in the introduction. Actually, other countries have the same problem rather than your country only.


As this is an argumentative essay, your opinion should be included in the introduction.


foster the temptation to purchase goods and services


advertisement/advertising

Writing Feedback / IELTS: More houses are needed in many countries to cope with increasing people... [3]


I don't think the number of houses is the reason for these kinds of issues. It is the overpopulation that causes congestion and environmental problems. Also, this sentence has lots of grammatical mistakes.


These sentences seem to be out of topic. This is about how social and environmental issues have adverse consequences on people, rather than how building more houses affects people's lives.



However,


You should give examples to clarify the discomfort and pressure they have to face.

Writing Feedback / Some people think that private schools should be banned. [5]


contribute to the high quality of


You could end this sentence here. The next sentence starts with: Consequently, they all contribute to...


due to the limited government budget and the increase in student numbers over time


having their children study


owing to low quality of teaching



in competition with


This sentence sounds too complicated. You could express the idea in a simpler way: As such, I believe that private education should be continued.


I don't think this sentence is relevant to the topic.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL;universities require students to studymany subjects or specialize in one subject [4]



perform various tasks


This is not clear. I think that thanks to the accumulated knowledge and experience, they can impress recruiters and be a strong candidate for the position they apply for.


These sentences are not clear too. You could give example of how a specific skill such as leadership skill could help a student secure a position.


In conclusion/To conclude

Writing Feedback / 'depends on the age'; should teachers assign homework for students every day? [6]


establish a rule proposing that teachers should not assign homework for their pupils



students need to revise their lessons regularly/it is necessary that students revise...

Writing Feedback / Agree/ Disagree -Financial education should be a mandatory component of the school program [4]


It would be better if you could provide us with the full prompt of the essay. Does the prompt mention the particular level of education?


Deep understanding of finance will help them manage their money wisely and give priority to demands of real importance.


who lack


finance should be included in


after graduation


This is not clear. What are they trading and why?


I feel that these two sentences depict the same meaning. This won't add more value to your paragraph.


should be equipped


It is more like another idea that you haven't stated in your essay.
I hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] : Governments should spend money on space exploration or for basic needs of people [5]


Your second sentence in the introduction is more meaningful and depict the same meaning. I feel that the first part of the sentence "Although...interesting" is not necessary.



The Great Recession has caused a persistently high levels of unemployment in many countries.


A large number of people have to struggle to make ends meet every day.


If people have less income, it is likely that crime rates will increase.
I feel that the next two paragraphs are a bit out of topic. I think basic needs include issues like food, shelter, education or healthcare.

I hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / Why study?; 'improve understanding, practical knowledge and career planning' [4]


You could give examples to clarify what fundamental courses and core courses are.


I used to have little understanding


After four years of working hard. Hardly means "almost not".



I have attained a large amount of knowledge


Do you mean "entering university"?


You should omit the comma before "studying"




establish more relationship


attend university


contribute my efforts to my company.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Human's dependence in the modern world - about coherence, academic style [7]


The prompt asks for your opinion so it would be better if you could state yours in the introduction.
I feel your first body paragraph is somewhat out of topic. In my opinion, "dependent" means relying on others for support. Instead of mentioning why people should help each other, I think you should focus on why people need help and support, and therefore become more dependent on others.


This part is not necessary.
Your vocabulary and grammar are all excellent. However, after reading your essay, I feel that it is more like an argumentative essay rather than a discussion essay.

I hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / PRIVATE SCHOOL SHOULD BE BANNED! Ielts task 2 [5]


Actually, I think education has always been important up to now, not only in the age of globalisation.


I don't think education is relevant to these kinds of development.


You had better provide us with the full prompt of the essay. If it asks for your opinion, state them in the introduction. As I can see from the subject, your introduction doesn't focus on the main topic of the task as to whether private school should be banned.

Writing Feedback / Task 2 IELTS, AIMS OF UNIVERSITY ARE FOR GETTING JOB OR BENEFITING INDIVIDUAL AND SOCIETY [4]


You make your introduction too complicated and then difficult to follow. It is better if you write in a simpler tone, for example:
It is true that there has been an increase in the number of people deciding to pursue higher education. In my opinion, not only does it help people with better employment opportunities but it also benefit both individuals and society.


This sentence is not necessary.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - the largest percentage of consumer spending in each country went on food/drinks/tobacco [3]

Overall, this is a good essay :)


while leisure and education accounted for the lowest proportion.

Writing Feedback / IELTS, Fast food is now universally in most countries and is becoming increasingly popular [4]


This part of your essay is off - topic. You should have explained why the popularity of fast food is a positive trend such as it saves time or how convenient it is instead of how to make a burger or fast food in general more nutritious.

Writing Feedback / Education plays fundamental role in the growth of a country [7]


You can omit this part.



However, in my opinion,




from affecting


You could start a new sentence here:
Healthy citizens, which mean a more productive workforce, can contribute greatly to economic growth of a country.


Furthermore, traditional culture has always played an essential role in any country, either in the past or in the age of globalization.


You had better give examples of the importance of traditional culture.


this part is not necessary.
You have good grammar and vocabulary. However, your sentences are too lengthy and overusing big words makes your essay hard to follow.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: STUDYING OVERSEAS OR STAYING HOME [6]


I think education has always been important, not only "nowadays".


Pursuing higher education is not a "method". You could use "study overseas" instead.


This part is not necessary and "procastinating their studies' progress" sounds unnatural. Actually, if students decided not to study overseas, they could pursue higher education in domestic university instead.


Most students experience culture shock when moving to a foreign country.


Despite the impacts of culture shock



I don't think this sentence adds much value to your paragraph. Instead, you should conclude why students should study overseas in spite of culture shock.


What do you mean by this?


I feel that this is irrelevant to the topic.


This sentence is incomplete.