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Posts by LaPolo11 [Suspended]
Name: A Akhkan
Joined: Mar 31, 2016
Last Post: Apr 6, 2016
Threads: 12
Posts: 28  
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From: Indonesia
School: SMA Model 1 Marioriwawo, Soppeng

Displayed posts: 40
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LaPolo11   
Apr 6, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - Traveling to many different places makes you more sophisticated [3]

In conclusion, holidaying to new different tourist destination give another knowledge about local's custom, although there is a probability to be more stressed than go to the familiar destination. Where possible, it is good to travel to new different place, therefore you will be involved in local's way of life

give another knowledge about local's custom, : enlarge people's horizon in term to the local's custome
you wrote your conclution properly, nonetheless I advice you put your personal; opinion/ suggestion,. it is imperative since reader want to know where do you stand on
LaPolo11   
Apr 5, 2016
Writing Feedback / Different views in terms to the idea that the best way to get a job is to graduate a decent school [2]

Many people say that the only way to guarantee getting a good job is to complete a course of university education. Others claim that it is better to start work after school and gain experience in the world of work.

How far do you agree or disagree with the above views?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.


The great job is a description of succesful person. For this reason, many people have different view in terms to the idea that the best way to get a job . some peole cliam that to attain the best job, you have to fulfill qualification which is gotten by attending University and have higher degrees than the average of people. Some other believe that the most effective way to obtain best position in a job by having a great deal of work experience. In my opinion, strongly believe that qual;ification is very important to get the best job because of the way job market has evolved in the last decades.

It is undeniable that, for many jobs it is convenient to learn by doing instead of spending a great number of years learning only theoretic approaches. Furthemore, competitive era encourage person to be more skilled in job and it has become very hard. A recent study at University of Starthclyde Glasgow, scotland reveals that having experience of work will make you a more interesting prospect to employers - and it will increase your confidence in yourself. A as a result, many people tend to look for job experience to own better job. Thereby, capability in job is very crucial to bolster up people to get the best job.

apart from previous discussion, as a matter of fact, many people compete to gain the best qualification for their job that they desire so much. According to one article in nidirect.gov.uk, higher education helps you develop qualities that employers value, such as problem-solving and communication skills. By doing a higher education course you will increase your chances of getting a job and earning more money. As a result, qualification play crucila role for people who want to get better job. Therefore, to attain best job people have to fulfill qualification which can be obtain by studying in university.

In conclusion, ableit so,e pople believe that to get the best job, people should posesses job experience , I strongly believe that considering nowadays job market, the best solution for a student is to choose the professional area that having profesional qualification which can be learnt by attending five years of University than entering the job market in the best way possible.
LaPolo11   
Apr 5, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: Are there more advantages or disadvantages to visiting new places? [2]

Travelling is a process of getting one place to another. Moreover, there is popular saying, "the world is a book and those who do not travel read only a page". For this reason, nowadays, many societies have some destinations to be visited.

yous sentence is a bit complicated, it is better if you create a simple and understanable for readers.
this is my alternative.:
Travelling is an activity of making journeys. Moreover, it is emphazised by a wiseword that the world is a book and those who do not travel read only a page. Thus,

word :nowadays is unnecessary word since there is no in the question

LaPolo11   
Apr 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Traveling to a new place or a familiar place [5]

Sightseeing is going to another place either familiar place or a new place in order to have a holiday . this word is pretty confusing
I totally do not understand these words

is going to

BE GOING TO means WILL
LaPolo11   
Apr 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 - Global population percentages and distribution of wealth by region. [2]

The bar chart illustrates about waiting people life and ... this is unclear and tend to be confusing

It can undeniable a closer to look the data, 23% is the top ...

Subsequently, the similar figures in India and Other Asia Pacific with ...

make clear your grammar

The kind of richer countries is the lead by [...] that India and Africa is the most poverty areapay more attention on SVA
LaPolo11   
Apr 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / The Criminals Lead People To Stay At Home...___...IELTS Task 2 [2]

In this modern era , many kinds of crime have occuredoccurred in the society specifically robbering or stealing in the street or even in the house IN which makes people worry to go ouside out of the home longer and they prefer to stay at home. For this case, i I believe that dwellers have an opportunity to take preventive ways by providing technology security and socializing with the neighbours and the community.

no need to put IN THIS MODERN ERA, because in the question there is no specific time ,
LaPolo11   
Apr 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / Task 2: is it necessary for both parents go out to work ? [2]

In today's competitive world, many families find it necessary for both parents go out to work. While some say the children in these families benefit from the additional income, others feel they lack support because of their parents' absence.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.


World today, live is getting competitive, this competition era encorage parents to devoted their time for working. Thus, some people claim that children obtain advantage of the extra income due to their parents work. Another opinion believe that lack of parental support is not good for children's because it make children feel less of affection. In my personal perspective, I tend to support later opinion.

It is true that an argument about the additional income could benefit children in several different ways. Initially, children have a chance to receive a better quality of education which requires a considerable cost. Take private education as a dramatic instance, private education solely can be accessed for children who stay in high grades of family. Another reason parents are able to afford to pay for their children's extra curricular of their children such as musical instrument, football, another hobby taht children like. Known well that learning extra curricular is essential for children nowadays. This is need more monye since it also needs tutors who can teach and correct the mistakes along the way. Finally, there is a variety of entertainment for children to enjoy with the adequate amount of money. They can easily get the latest games and toys which can be expensive for other households to afford.

In vice versa, activist of children claim this motion seems created disadvantage children. It is because parents are the first teacher of their children. Parents educate basic learnings to overall supports are provided by parents. lack of these will vastly affect the children's phycological and physical growth. In addition, parents' absence could result in dire consequences for children like children addiction towards drugs and alcohol or sometimes engage in criminal activities Thus, it is vitally important for at least one parent to stay home and look after them.

The aforementioned evidence reveals that there are some convincing arguments both for and against the absence of parents for additional salaries, but I believe that the fact that children will receive the lack of support from their parents is a more significant issue.
LaPolo11   
Apr 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / China has the greatest number of population in the world, while United States is the richest country [2]

The bar graph compares the population of world and the the method where wealth is distributed in different regions across continent around the world. Overall, the world population statistics are inversely proportion to wealth distribution. I any case, china has the gratest number of pupulation while nort america is the rishest country

A closer to look the data, the proportion of North America has the largest percentage of global wealth, just approximately under 35%. Nonethelss, this figure is actually about seven times lower compared to its population. Similar trend is experienced to Europe and most of the rich countries in Asia-Pacific, with 15% and 5% of inhabiant respectively,.

Apart from previous discussion, there are a number of inhabitant is higher than budget such as China, India, Africa, Latin America and the Caribbean, and other areas in Asia-Pacific. The highest point is China has the highest percentage of people, accounting for about 25% of world's population, but only 4% of total wealth. This also happens in India, with over 15% of the global population, but only 1% of wealth.




LaPolo11   
Apr 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / Does Charging Tourist For Admission Has More Merits Than Demerits? [3]

Therefore

, there is no doubt that lots of merits will be provided by asking the visitors to pay for entering museums. I extremely believe that spending money to visit museum is worth as tourist are able to achieve useful information about the past.

Thereforeis better in conclusion of paragraph
these words below can be an alternative words used for conclusion in paragraph

to sum up,.....
the aforementioned evidence reveals/ explains/ examines that,,,,
ton conclude that,,,

LaPolo11   
Apr 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / Museums are supposed to be affordable to all people [2]

All in all

, intrinsically the disadvantages of charging ...
the words all in all are good words, nonetheless, these words are better for speaking
to make a conclusion,

this word below can be a pragmatic alternative :
the aforementioned evidence shows/explains/ reveals/ examines that.....
to conclude
to sum up
and so on

LaPolo11   
Apr 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: The rich and poor nations have the gap after that what the cause and solution the case [2]

To sum up, the myriad problem about poverty yet finished all by the government but the human can help as the first way to poor people live with the good by share something.

These conclusion above is incomplete,,,

you need to put your position

for instance :
it is imperative that,,,,,
I firmly believe that
I suggest that ,,,,

the sentence is very important in writing task 2
LaPolo11   
Apr 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / Taks 1 : the employees according to their gender in the Great Britain [3]

A breakdown of the employees according to their gender in the Great Britain of the year in the question is illustrated by bar charts. Overall, males and females show considerable diversity in terms of their jobs. Likewise, the majority of men hold positions as traders and managers when women do paper works and work at the service field most of all.

A closer to look the data, the highest proportion of men is skilled traders at a-fifth of the total, while women hold only 3 percent on this field. In contrast, females work for personal service and administrative and secretarial are the most famous of them , while in this occupation show the least popularity for males (respectively 14% and 23% opposed to 3% and 5 %).

Apart from previous comparison, the only three professions occupied by almost the same number of males and females. Those are professional, associative professional and technical, and elementary jobs with 12-14%, 13-15% and 12% - 11 % respectively.
LaPolo11   
Apr 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / Task 1 : mobile phone manufacture for two consecutive years (2005 and 2006) [2]

A breakdown of market share on mobile phone manufacture for two consecutive years (2005 and 2006) is compared by table chart. Overall, the level of cell phone sales experienced different trend. In any case, nokia was clearly lead the selling of mobile phone.

A closer to look the data, it is clear that nokia was leader with selling 32.5 % in 2005 and increase slighly in 2006 (35%). two closest competitors, Motorola and Samsung, added together. Nonethelss, Motorolla witnessed significan rose at 17.7% to 21.1% in these years, while Samsung saw its share of the market decline slightly from 12.7% to 11.8% in the same year.

Apart from previous comparison, two phone manufactures, Sony Ericsson and L.G saw similar pattern in 2005 had different result in the next year. Sony Ericsson's share increased from 6.3% in 2005 to 7.4% in 2006, whereas L.G decreased slightly from 6.7% to 6.3%. astonishingly, BenQ Mobile's share more than halved from 2005 to 2006; from 4.9% of the market to only 2.4%. another manufacture decrease 3% between these years.
LaPolo11   
Apr 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / Lack of emotional and social education from family as the main cause of crimes among teenagers [3]

Recent figures show an increase in violent crime among youngsters under the age of 18. Some psychologists claim that the basic reason for this is that children these days are not getting the social and emotional learning they need from parents and teachers.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?


Juvenile delinquency is one of the main predominant problems to the civilization nowadays. For this reason some scientists claim that the case increase significantly because lack of emotional and social education from family circumstance and educational stakeholders. In my personal perspective, I tend to agree this notion since family has less time for their children thanks to their daily routine such job.

Admittedly,, it is undeniable that family and teacher play important role in young generation development. Nowadays is competitive era in which this moment encourage parents should fulfill their family need. Parent's activities such work lessen their considerable amount of time with their children. Lack of parental care Lack of parental care leads children to having negative attitudes obtaining from friends, as well as committing crime. Another important reason is less of education and management of schools. This is thanks to less contact between parents and teachers, children cut school and meet people who bring them to abuse drugs, drink alcohol, and commit crime in order to find money for them. Therefore parents and teacher are the main factor for youngster to own insufficient moral.

On the other hand, people believe that parents and educational stake holders are not the main contributor of young generation to be criminals and own bad attitude. There are several factors such as the development of media or commonly known as cyber addiction. it is because children are more likely to devote their time on browsing the internet. According to one article on Jakarta post newspaper in late January 2016, around 79% of young generation have tendency to imitate what they watch in media like the internet or TV. The result of this, children's value is based on what they see. Consequently, children circumstance is the main factor of transformation children value.

The aforementioned evidence provides that albeit young generations have their own world such as environment and activities, parents and teacher are the most crucial part of them to learn about moral value. it is imperative that the role of people round children become the first matter to create juvenile delinquency due to little moral value teaching.


LaPolo11   
Apr 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / Recently the television has become a medium where people can study about overseas [3]

For instance, in China, many people use a screen [...] speak english and they use it in many aspect.

actually you write good example, nonetheless, there is another alternative way to make good example.

Take china as a pragmatic instance, in this country many people use a screen as primary tool to study about overseas and there people are compulsory to study about foreign country. People in China can speak English and they use it in many aspect.

LaPolo11   
Apr 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / Tour guides are necessary for great trips, but others prefer to travel without help [2]

hii mate,,,, I hope my suggestion can help your writing

First of all, people are generally poor, and hiring a tour guide in their tours usually includes extra expenses.

(you have to explain why you argue that statement, it helps people to understand your idea)

For example, I planned to go to Japan last month, so I contacted a famous travel agency and asked them how much would it cost if I joined a tour group with a tour guide.
LaPolo11   
Apr 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2, In this modern era, smoking is more than lifestyle [3]

"I totally agree that smoking should be forbidden in public areas."

give also disagree opinion
to make your sentence interesting for reader you should put HOOK in the beginning of intduction

this sentence below as a pragmatic instance for HOOK

smoking can produce dire co sequence for citizen.

LaPolo11   
Apr 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: The phenomenon of a global trade in the worldwide [4]

Firstly, many entrepreneurs in the small business ...

Many entrepreneurs in the small business can lose their costumers since almost people switch their fondness in the global market. (explain it deeply)

to create good body you should follow this pattern:
a. Main idea
b. Reason
c. Example
d. Result
e. Conclusion
Since I did not know clearly the example, I suggest you to put linking word like For example
LaPolo11   
Apr 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / Child labour. In this modern era, several children works to earn money. [3]

that sentence below in introduction

Many people hold the opinion that child labor causes only bad things

Children should not do work for earning money because they should only concentrate on their study instead of work.

this sentence below can be a pragmatic instance

it is undeniable that teenager have responsibility for studying. Children should not do work for money because they should only focus on their study instead of work.

LaPolo11   
Apr 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS2 : the increase of using plane nowadays - need the flights be burdened with tax more? [3]

The world has been an enormous increase in flight for leisure, business and commercial purposes around the world over recent years.what do you think are the main advantages and disadvantages of such flights. Do you think flights should be taxed more?

Transportation is key of development era. Transportation advancement has brought gigantic revolution in the transportation system in the entire the world. For this reason some people believe that a wide range of flights are used for different purposes,which plays an earthshaking role in development of nation,however it has its darker side too. For this notion, I would like to establish my point of view lights must not be taxed more.

It inevitable that the flights offer numerous advantages to us it is because air travel is an optimum and fastest source of traveling overseas,which is a contributing factor in globalization and promote the fraternity among the people who belongs from different culture. Furthermore, flights plays phenomenal role in upsurging the tourism industry radically consequently it helps in flourishing the economy of the nation as tourist bring hard currency with themselves when they visited diverse nations, the aforementioned believe that flights provide immense benefits in business sectors also such as the transportation of products of a country to other country.

Apart from previous discussion, the drawback of this transportation mode cannot be denied. One of highest donatur of climate change is plane. According recent research of Udayana university, Indonesia, found that aoeroplane the main donature of emission gases at was 79,1% that was the produced the biggest NOx gas emission . As a result, aircraft hold crucial role for climate change due to its emission. Therefore, the ubiquitous air travel is leading to environment contamination at larger extent as multifarious jet planes are causing air pollution.

The aforementioned evidence reveals that in spite of plane has demerit, significant impact for global warming, I stongly believe that plane is very useful for civilization, furthermore it is not compulsory that flight should be taxed more because it will put strain on the economy.
LaPolo11   
Apr 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / taks 1 : travel by using train in Great Britain from 1950 to 2004/5 [2]

The line graph illustrates commuters who travel by using train in Great Britain from 1950 to 2004/5. Overall it can be seen that there was upward trend of the passengers. In any case, london Underground became the most popular transportation mode particularly in train in the end of period.

A closer to look the data by1950, both London Underground National rail network had a huge gap ( approximately 260 million user). National rail network had remained stable to next a half of decade. This figure had rocketed to a high of 1000 in next a 5-year period. Subsequently, there was a slight decrease to next twenty years period between 1955 and 1975, while the number of passenger who used London Underground almost remained unchanged approximately 700 million user.

Apart from previous comparison, London Underground rose sharply from 500 to 800 during a decade period, which was equal with National rail network in that year. Interestingly, the figures of both London Underground and National rail network competed and accelerated sharply in 2000. By the end period, London Underground took over National rail network. Light rail and metro system slightly decline between 1965 and 1980, then it had upward trend from just non-passenger to 200 million. This railway journey was used as less as other railways from the beginning to the end of period.
LaPolo11   
Apr 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - Global trade is important to fulfill people's need [2]

... far eclipse any drawbacks, although this will make small local business bankrupt.

avoid general word such MAKE
use other word like generate, produce, create and so on,,, genela word is inappropriate for writing.

word [i]bankrupt[/i , you may replace it with collapse
LaPolo11   
Apr 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - Doing job that really love not always make people get the happiness [4]

People's happiness is affected many factors in their life, such as family, job, relationship, faith and etc. (EXPLAIN WHY People's happiness is affected these matter) For instance, Japanese people are known as keen worker and they relish mostly. According to the BBC News, in 2015,

main Idea
supporting Idea/explanation
example
result
conclution

these pattern above can be used for creating good body paragraph
LaPolo11   
Apr 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / The role of education. It's very important in setting up youth to face the sophisticated world. [2]

While some individuals believe that art and music [...] need to be maintained in the curriculum.that is confusing sentence ,

Albeit some people claim that art and music should be eliminated from school curriculum so as to establish student's focus on worthwhile lesson such as information and technology, I tend to oppose / support the notion since,,,,
LaPolo11   
Apr 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 - The most frequent benefits and drawbacks of Fairmont Island [2]

The most frequent benefits and drawbacks of Fairmont [...] people who come to Fairmont Island.

your paragraph just consist of 2 sentences... it much better if you make it to be 3 sentences,,

also, your sentence a bit confusing ,,, carefully with punctuation,, since punctuation has significant impact towards writing
LaPolo11   
Apr 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / The differences between rich and poor [3]

I do need your help to correct my writing

The inequality between rich and poor nations is now wider than it has ever been before. What do you think are the main causes of this difference and what do you think can be done to reduce the gap?

Over last decades, the difference between rich and poor create a pretty huge gap between poorer people and rich claim it becomes widening. As such, some people claimed that the predominant causes are materialistic of good and a chattel and human resource. Nonetheless, in my personal view, I believe that the best way to tackle the gap is government should regulate policies for giving easy access to poor children to schools and colleges.

It is undeniable that one of the most renowned and consider as a trending topic world today is the the different between gap of people in terms to the possession on items. It is because inhabitant always compite to earn more than other people. Furthermore, mankind considered money is everything. Other factor can be primarily responsible for the markedly rising difference is educational opportunity for people. People in high level of wealth can afford hig level of education, while people who live in under-poverty con side that it is anaffordable.

To tackle these worrying concerns government have to regulate policies for poor people. Government should provide access to the poor to get educated free of cost. Take China and Japan as a pragmatic instance, these Countries have been facing massive economy demolition, then they realize that to recover their economy, they regained their lost prestige in world by merely improving the level of education and its easy access to common people. As a result, china and japan today have good human resource. Therefore, government play crucial role for reducing a pretty huge gap for their dweller.

The aforementioned evidence show that the emergency of widening gap between the rich and the poor can be contributed to race of owing materialistic matter and lack of education among poor resident. It is imperative that education is one of many ways that can be adopted to lessen the rich and the poor gap which should be regulated and provided by government.
LaPolo11   
Apr 3, 2016
Writing Feedback / Some people believe due to internet connection, they can do everything fast and easily. [3]

Many people almost use internet in the daily activity activities, to communicate with each other.For these reasons,</em>Some people in the world believe due ...

Furthermore<em>
Without it they will their life is ...

you write it properly. Nonetheless, you need to use transition word from one sentence to another.. it is because transition word ply important role for our writing.

pay more attention to SVA and plural-singular verbs.
LaPolo11   
Apr 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / The internet... More useful or more useless? IELTS WRITING TASK 2 [5]

All in all,the Internet indeed has taken a lot [...] merits if they properly apply it.

all is all is inappropriate for writing, usually, these word is used for speaking,,, you my change it
it is better if you use (to sum up, to conclude , or other words)

in addition, you have to choose which argument do you stand on,
your conclusion is pretty confusing
LaPolo11   
Apr 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / The zeitgeist. Technology like e-books is not able to replace printed literature [3]

The zeitgeist has strong influence towards technology. Recently, cutting-edge technology has expanded all of parts of mankind live. We have all seen many hi-tech products entering the market, such as i-books, i-pads, i-phones and many more. For this reason some people claim that the increasing development of technology can irritate the development of printed media like books, newspapers and magazines are going soon to be forgotten while others on the other side believe this will never happen. Although digital media increase tremendously, I firmly disagree if people claim that printed media are dong to disappear.

It is undeniable that the highly-invented technology has significant influence to the development of media, particularly in educative parts, such as books, newspaper and magazines. as a matter of fact, people reading behavior have transformed from analogue media to the digital media. it is because digital media is very convenient. Take phone as a pragmatic instance, cell phone today consist of applications in which people can read E-Book everywhere. as a result, this convenient increase the interest of people to use phone as reading tools. Consequently, printed media will be forgotten and by the time people no longer to use printed media anymore, and it will be vanish.

Apart from previous discussion, the infomation of offline media is considered as a reliable souce of data compare to online version. Educational part as a dramatic instance, majority of people who work at academic side claim, books and journals are the perdominant references for their research than digital media since the data of analogue media is more realible than digital media . the outcome of this is printed media is reliable source for people . so the evidence has shown that printed media will never be never replaced by the latest technology.

The aforementioned evidence reveals that albeit some people argue that the development sophisticated technology will intrude and even replace the stabilization of printed media, I strongly believe that analogue media will never be replaced with another sort of media.
LaPolo11   
Apr 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / A breakdown of the rainwater phase collected and reused for household needs [3]

i'd like to give some advice, hopefully it will be useful.

arrange the sentence with proper subject-verb agreement.

the information presented is not well-arranged.

my opinion is, you need to plan where you put the information. imagine that the readers will understand your explanation without seeing the charts and tables. it means main and supporting ideas should be properly separated and clear.

as i read from the text, it is pretty confusing
.
for example : At the same time, when rains, it is provided a water tank to store the water.
it is very difficult to understand,,
LaPolo11   
Apr 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / The influence of media for young generation [3]

Recent research has shown that media like the Internet and TV have a greater influence over people`s lives than politicians.
Which do you consider to be the greater influence?


The development of technology particularly in electronic media such as TV an internet develop dramatically in 2-decade period . For this reason, some scientists claim that media have great influence instead of politicians for mankind especially for children since it can transform children's behavior. I my personal perspective, I have tendency to endorse that statement.

Admittedly,the zeitgeist encourage people prefer to watch or research interesting materials for themselves and the majority of people believe that politician play vital part on daily live. It is because they are more affluent. They owe power to regulate and manipulate people measure. A 2007 study at university of Lisbon revealed that approximately 52% of dweller each country are bound to follow the lifestyle of authority. The result of this research, citizens have tendency to leave any opt. In addition, there are some cases that people have been promised that the government will bring changes to the status of a country. Furthermore, elite law makers were also the one who propose legislation, which creates overall control of a society. Therefore, government officials is important figure for people.

Media, conversely, surround wide-range and can provide millions of people with information simultaneously. That makes our lives easier and makes us savvy about latest news or innovation. Additionally, justifications that state that mass media has higher influential contribution to the public. a Spanish citizen a pragmatic instance, person who sits his or her chair can watch or read about latest condition of Japan`s traffic jams, that is great and also interesting for many people, because they enjoy and at the same time learn new things. However, Politicians always speak about almost the same things, therefore can not attract guys.

The aforementioned evidence convince that media is more popular among people than politicians, that is why, its impacts are higher than politicians over people`s lives. I firmly assume that the media have great influence for teenagers .
LaPolo11   
Apr 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: The Real Reason for Teenage Crime [3]

High parental attacment is of the pivotal [...] learning from parents and educators.

NOTE :
DO NOT PUT ANY SCIENTIFIC DATA IN INTRODUCTION
PAY ATTENTION OF YOUR SPELLING. (attacment)
make clear your sentence ,, since this sentence is confusing I guess (Several psychologist declaration that).. My suggestion is Several Psychologists decelerated that,,,,
also take a look at you SVA and Plural and singular words (childrens)

keep fighting guys
LaPolo11   
Apr 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / The cement-making process, and how cement is used to produce concrete - diagram [3]

the diagrams present the cement making ...

you wrote your introduction properly, nonetheless, I have an alternative example for introduction.
note :
pay attention on capitalization


A breakdown of process in creating cement and how the cement is used to produce concrete for building aims. Overall, it can be seen that there are significant different between these processes. Meanwhile, cement production process consists of three phases, and the production of concrete materials is divided into two steps.

good luck bro...
LaPolo11   
Apr 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / The internet has become a need people, do you agree? [7]

... I strongly believe that the internet make people be better (this sentence is confusing).

hiii wiwiek.... you wrote well, nonetheless there several matter you should pay more attention,,
such as the using of vocabularies , you should distinguish betweeninventing and invention

My sentence below can be a pragmatic alternative.
The Internet play crucial role for mankind,also the invention of the internet transform their live. Albeit some people claim that do not render significant effect for mankind, I firmly believe that the internet is able to create a better future for people
LaPolo11   
Apr 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / Task 1 : The charts show in percentage in terms of the results of a survey of a new shop [4]

hi mates,,, this is my writing, ,,, I hope you can help me to make it better

A breakdown of satisfaction level of the customers visiting three different features in a new shopping centre in Auckland, New Zealand is compared by the charts. Overall, it can be seen that the survey reveals that the overall views of customers are positive about the complex. In any case, the highest satisfaction rate is in the design market.

A closer to look he data, it is clear that the number of the female customer who were very happy with the restaurants is considerably more than the people loving shops. The number of purchasers who were satisfied with shops and restaurants is respectively 45 and 55 for men, 37 and 32 for women, while 20 and 25 male, 20 and 21 female have no idea regarding to the facilities.

Apart from previous comparison, based on pie chart, just over three-fifths of customers are bound to the design of the new shopping complex. Meanwhile, 17% of them feel contented, while one tenth of them did not prefer to share their opinions and the rests were not satisfied with it.