Writing Feedback / Future people will not buy printed newspaper or books, they will read everything they want online [3]

You do not need to use trigger words like "often argued" because the presentation is that of a idea, not a debate or fight. Always strive to reflect the original sentiment of the prompt instead of creating sensationalist statements that may alter the original presentation ideas. Additionally, you have to make sure that you do not use any original part of the prompt such as:


This represents a cut and paste statement which will definitely lower your starting TA score. You have to prove your English comprehension and synonym usage skills by being able to restate the discussion elements without any word repetitions from the original.

Avoid using words of uncertainty in the presentation such as "I think" because you need to be sure of your opinion. Even if you only party agree with the statement, you should be able to do so with conviction and use of academic words. The use of "shortcuts without meaning" such as "etc." are not used in an academic presentation. Use of such reference words will not help increase the LR score, even when used properly because it is not part of the academic writing set.

In the concluding paragraph, you do not need to say "in my opinion" since it is a wrap up paragraph. Instead, refer to "All things considered" or "In the end..." By the way, you will receive further TA deductions for cutting and pasting the original prompt discussion portions once again. You already know why you should not do that. Do not use connecting words such as "but" to start a sentence since there is no previous idea to connect in the new sentence. Overall, the numerous errors in this presentation will assure you of a failing score in an actual test setting.

Graduate / Personal Statement for M.Eng. Mechanical Engineering at University of Alberta [2]

The ideal SOP presentation has a maximum word count of 750 words. I find this essay to be extremely wordy. You need to be more direct in your discussion presentations and try to focus only on the important elements. By keeping this essay to about 500-600 words, the reviewer will find it easier to keep track of what you want to say and why it is important to you and how it applies to your future career.

The influence of your father can be removed because that is more a part of the personal statement or statement of interest essay. That has no bearing on your future professional goals. The reason for repeating a class is also irrelevant at this time since you are already a professional and it is your professional training and experience that matters more. You should only prove that you have an academic foundation that can help you participate as a student in the masters course.

Scholarship / Motivation Statement for AAS - applying for a master degree in Public Health [8]

Remove the phrase "On second thought". By using that phrase, you are saying that you were not interested in the University of Melbourne but then changed your mind. Making that second choice university weak and irrelevant. The phrase makes it sound like you did not have a choice so you chose that university as a second stringer. Never make either university sound like a "no other option" choice. You never know which university you might end up in or, if your wording might make you lose out on the scholarship because you seem disinterested in your second choice university. Try to find a real time application for the second course choice as you did in the first choice. That way the reviewer will know about the other needs of Indonesia that you hope to address with this second course choice, if need be.

Scholarship / Why did you choose your proposed course and institution*? AAS; Crawford School of Public Policy [4]

The choice of course and university are not based on your investigative and correspondence skills. Those are not reasons and methods by which you chose the course and university. All the other students did that in order to find a university in Australia to apply to. The course choice will rely on your professional needs, goals, and aspirations, for each course you have chosen. The university choice, is based upon your academic goals and required by your current skillset requirement on the job. You failed to acknowledge these considerations in the essay, which is why the overall presentation does not work. It does not have a forward thinking and professional application representation that can convince the reviewer that you deserve to study in Australia on a scholarship.

Scholarship / Why I decided to take up science? Bachelor of Engineering or Bachelor of Aviation [3]

Your course choices are based mostly on researched data. That means, the explanation lacks passion and true interest based on a properly developed interest or early skills development. You are focused on filling an employment need for female representation more than actually having a believable and verifiable dream or ambition to work in either field. Sure statistics and job opportunities in particular fields of STEM, specially for women, are opening up. However, these are opening to women with a true passion and desire to be trailblazers in that field. There is no sense of that in your essay. Beyond researched information, the essay presents no passionate reasons, aspirations, ambitions, or references that would ensure you would complete either course of your choice as a student in Australia.

Scholarship / What aspect of your leadership you consider to be effective, how you solve problems in organisation? [2]

The only useful paragraph in this presentation is the second paragraph. So retain that for your revised response. For the second paragraph, explain what leadership role you played as the assistant commissioner and what you did ( pronoun I not they) or contributed that helped to solve the challenge while implementing change and reform in the area. Your third paragraph removes the focus from you and gives the solution to the group. The question pertains to YOU so the explanation you gave was incorrect. Focus on your useful contributions that were accepted into the overall collective ideas, which led to a final resolution to the problem. Highlight on your participation with the group, how it was received and how its final implementation went or was developed to help the group cause.

Writing Feedback / Universities should focus on specialist subject - this is a much better choice. IELTS Writing task 2 [5]

A thought is not the same as an argument. By definition:

Thought - a consideration or reflection

Argument - an oral disagreement; verbal opposition; contention;

Considering the meaning of the individual words, it is incorrect to frame the discussion of the opposing thought as an argument. While there is a disagreement, the use of the word "thought" in the original presentation indicates an opinion, not a verbal tussle. Make sure to use the correct synonym for the keywords so as to show a proper LR development on your part. Word meaning plays a large role in your English comprehension skills consideration and LR scoring.

The question posed is an extent essay ( I partly agree, I fully disagree) but you responded with only a personal opinion, completely ignoring the original discussion instruction and reasoning format requirement of the original prompt. You do have a clear opinion presented in the thesis sentence. However, you did not properly respond to the extent question before filling in the blanks for the reasoning thesis requirement. So you will lose points for that in the scoring process.

Since the concluding summary is less than 40 words or 2 sentences, then you will not be gaining additional points for your concluding presentation. Just additional point deductions which, when added to the other deductions you will receive as per each scoring consideration, will result in a non passing score for your test. Make sure to understand what the discussion format is and respond properly. Accurately summarize the discussion in the concluding paragraph. Avoiding these 2 major errors can help lessen the scoring deductions applied to your final score.

Writing Feedback / Topic: Some people believe that children are required to obey the rules of their parents and teacher [2]

A prompt restatement is always helped by a clear opinion being presented at the end of the final thesis statement of the paragraph. In your version, you merely repeated the discussion instruction, but did not really offer a clear opinion on your end. If you recall, one of the scoring considerations of the TA section is a clear opinion coming from the writer. Since you already restated the prompt discussion topics in the first sentence, you should have delivered a clear thesis by saying something to the effect of:

Based on the reasons that support each opinion, I developed the point of view that...
The public opinion supporting the idea that...
However, others consider that.....
Due to my personal belief that... my opinion is that...

Using the above format will allow you to use the general discussion with third party pronouns effectively, while strongly supporting your personal opinion with first person pronouns as well.

By the way, "one" is singular in reference so you cannot use the plural word "hands". Your reasoning paragraphs are not very well explained. There is a confusion as to the statement you are making based on sentence structural issues and proper, clear, and understandable explanations. Focus less on the vocabulary and more on the reasons per paragraph. You can give all the opinions you want per paragraph, if you do not explain the reasoning behind the opinion, then nothing will come of your statement. Consider using the following format next time:

Sentence 1: Topic sentence (combining the opinion for teachers and parents or the opposing argument
Sentence 2: Explanation for teachers
Sentence 3: Explanation for parents
Sentence 4: Example to support your explanations
Sentence 5: Transition sentence

The above format will work for either reasoning paragraph presentation. Remember, clarity is more important that word count. As long as you write at least 275 words, you will be sure that you have written an understandable paragraph per presentation. Your opinion must be developed as a full paragraph with the same format as I presented above. In this presentation, you did not explain your opinion fully, which means there will be point deductions for under developed paragraph presentations.

Graduate / GKS-G Global Korean Scolarship | Personal Statement | Ph.D. in Cybersecurity [2]

The last paragraph is too long. You need to break that into 3 more parts based on the discussion topics. Additionally, the motivation / goals by which you apply for the course is not very solid. It is too simple a discussion and does not reflect the focal point of your career as an academic researcher for this profession. Why is your research important? How does Korea fit into the picture? Why should the reviewer believe that your motivation can only be served by a Korean education in that field? How do you justify your credentials as being one that makes you a solid contender for the scholarship?

The presentation sounds more like you are applying for a job in a casual manner rather than a serious academic application focused on professional development and contribution to the field. It is important that you reflect on your motivation for the course and create a stronger, more convincing professional application for it. As of now, you have a better chance at getting a job, than convincing the scholarship reviewer that you have the potential to be an excellent student based on your professional goals. It isn't just about research and writing articles, it is about the application of what you will be learning in the actual field. What will you be focusing on and why?

Graduate / GKS-G Korean Scholarship | Personal Statement | M.S. Public Policy (Environment/Green Development) [3]

The Korean government scholarship program is an international scholarship. It is actually open to all foreign nationals. It is not open to Korean citizens / students currently living in Korea. From the presentation that you have, it appears that you are disqualified from the scholarship because your parents were born in Korea along with your own birth, education, and living situation that refers to you being in Korea at the moment. Therefore, you are not qualified to apply for this scholarship. You have not referred to being any of the following in the personal statement, which would qualify you for consideration as a candidate for the program:

Proof of Korean War Veteran‟s Descendant (ONLY for descendants of Korean War Veterans)
Proof of Overseas Korean Document / Proof of Korean (Adoptee Document ONLY for overseas Korean or Korean adoptees)
Proof of Korean Citizenship Renunciation Document (ONLY for previous Korean citizenship holders)

Unless you can revise the essay to prove you are not a Korean national or, that you are a Korean foreigner, you will not qualify under any of the aforementioned references for yourself. I am afraid that you do not qualify for consideration under this program.

Writing Feedback / Some are born with talents. Some are not. But an appropriate approach can help. [2]

You have an almost perfect presentation here. The only problem, is that you used your personal opinion as a concluding paragraph rather than presenting it as a required third reasoning paragraph, with the summary conclusion presented after. You have actually written just enough words and avoided enough errors to create a well developed essay, were it not only for the error in the concluding paragraph.

In terms of GRA consideration, you mistakenly used the connecting words "Because" and "But" at the start of the sentences in the first reasoning paragraphs. The English grammar rules state that conjunctions cannot be used at the start of a sentence due to the very purpose of the word. Conjunctions are used only to connect 2 discussion points, that would otherwise we separated, in a sentence. Since that is not the situation upon which the words were used, these will result in GRA point deductions for you.

Writing Feedback / Self-employment became popular among the majority of people. Why is that? [6]

You have the right approach to the prompt restatement. Even the thesis statements provided are right on point with the discussion questions. However, there are portions in your reasoning paragraphs when it seems like you are transliterating in the sentence presentation, causing confusion for the reader when it comes to understanding the meaning of the sentence and its overall application in the paragraph. Perhaps you are thinking in Bhasa and translating it word for word to English? That is normally what students do, which results in the confusing sentence presentation. Always try to think and write in English, no matter how difficult it may be for you because that is the only way to get used to properly thinking and writing in English.

In the concluding paragraph, you used a run on sentence in the presentation when, due to the differing discussion points, you should have used at least 3 sentences for the presentation:

- Restated topic
- restated reason
- restated disadvantage

A run-on sentence confuses the reader. You need to make sure that you are not doing that by allowing the readers to pause while reading your presentation. That allows for clarity in the understanding of the summary paragraph. By the way, you have a problem with timeline references in the essay, learn how to use the past, present, and future tenses, along with its variations for future reference and better GRA scoring.

Graduate / Learning Korean - GKS - Statement of Purpose - Language Study Plan [2]

The language study plan is normally responded to within 1-2 paragraphs that immediately outline the pre-Korea and post-Korea language learning plans. This is not an over discussed study plan that takes over a whole page because there are other discussion requirements to be considered, in addition to languages, as a part of the normal Statement of Purpose plans. These include languages and goal of study plans.

This discussion is too long, keep it short, summarized, but informative. You do not need extremely long introductory paragraphs or over extended discussions. Just start immediately with your pre-arrival language study plans as you are currently practicing. Then immediately move into the post - arrival study plans. Paragraphs 2 and 4 contain the basic responses to the prompt, as required. The response you wrote in paragraph 3 should be merged into a short form within paragraph 2 as it relates to the same discussion focus.

Use paragraphs 2 and 4 to create a more interesting and directed response to the question. Why do you have to keep the language study short? So that you can follow the discussion format as required for your goal of study on the same page.

Scholarship / Master in Local Government - How will the proposed course will contribute to your career? [4]

Since this is for the AAS, you will need to revise you presentation to offer a first and second choice university. That is, a primary interest and back up interest university in case you do not qualify for your first choice. Your information in this essay is related only to your primary choice university. It is best if you revise the essay by doing more research on a second choice and university.

Use the second course choice in the same manner. Make sure that is still applies to your professional qualifications albeit in a different way than your first choice university. It is important to have a secondary choice so that you can increase your chances of being considered for the scholarship.

Not all students will win the scholarship based on their primary choice university. Some get in based on the second choice decision of the review committee. That is, if all your other qualifying documents are approved by the scholarship committee.

Writing Feedback / NZ International businesses - Is this a well thought out Introduction and Thesis Statement [2]

You cannot jump from first to last without representing the discussion topics in between. You have the right idea, an over extended idea, but not enough of a thesis statement or personal abstract idea to represent the discussion flow of your research paper. I would not go with a century reference in this presentation. Globalisation is happening year on year so maybe, do with decades as a time description instead? Also, Maybe refer to a history of globalisation in New Zealand as part of the study? If you can present the history of globalisation in the country and the need for it to continue to grow as a part of the thesis statement, then you should develop a better thesis statement.

Scholarship / AAS Scholarship Master of Commerce; Data Analyst for business, Digital Transformation Specialization [5]

Are you certain that you do not want to present a back up university with your statement? Only if you are sure that your credentials will be enough to assure you of a scholarship spot at your single choice university should you write such a statement of certainty. Having a back up course and university never hurt any of the applicants since it gives them 2 channels by which they might win the scholarship, and some of them still do not get the scholarship. Consider that before you decide to use only a single university reference for your statement.

Are you trying to insult the reviewer? Why are you telling him where the university is located? Remove that reference statement, including the business center reference. Those are condescending references that will not do you any favors in the application process. That whole second paragraph is too patronizing in tone. Change it to a more humble one. It is your privilege to be considered for the scholarship, not the other way around.

Scholarship / Autobiography to apply scholarship study abroad [5]

The essay presentation is all over the place. It does not have a clear direction in each paragraph. The words written are in English but the sentences barely make any sense to the reader. I am not sure what the prompt requirements are for this essay because you did not upload the writing instructions with this essay. I should have gotten an idea of what you were supposed to be discussing from the actual essay that you wrote. The problem is, your thought process is in Vietnamese, translated word for word to English. So a lot of the actual meaning got lost in translation. You need to seek professional editing help for this essay. I cannot advise you on the open forum about how to correct this. You have to contact me privately for that.

Scholarship / Not one without water - Personal Statement for Commonwealth Shared Scholarship [2]

There should be an expanded discussion in relation to the second paragraph. Consider how you contributed to solving the drought problem at that time. How did you and your father collaborate to help keep the crops alive at that time? How was it done and was it effective? That is an area where you can clearly show a contribution on your part, at the earliest point in the discussion. It shows the foundation of your interest and your ability to analyze, problem solve, and implement. All within the requirements of the prompt. Do not separate the discussion points. Always connect the interest you have in irrigation in a smooth discussion composed of several paragraphs. The death of your father is a secondary discussion point that can be placed towards the end of the essay.

Writing Feedback / To afford a house instead of renting one is tremendously essential for people in some nations [3]

The IELTS Task 2 essays will never ask you about the truth of an opinion given in the discussion topic section. So you do not need to say that something is true in your opening sentence. That is because such a reference is not supported as a necessary explanation in the original discussion. Sometimes, such statements lead to prompt deviations, which is why students are advised to not say that something is true or false in the presentation. As for your thesis sentences, you properly gave a response to the second question, but you did not clearly represent the 2 discussion reasons for the first question. So your thesis statement is incomplete. A clear opinion is composed of the opinion and the reasons that support your statement. A clear thesis statement that responds to the questions provided, with only discussion topics rather than full discussions, will allow you to gain a better TA score.

The first reasoning paragraph has 2 filler sentences that did not help with the cohesiveness or clarity of the presentation. The first sentence just says there are 2 underlying reasons, that belongs in the thesis presentation, not the reasoning paragraph. Then, you counted out the first topic, but failed to use the "secondly" reference to clearly show a separate discussion topic. The second topic should have been a separate paragraph. As it is, your presentation is difficult to follow due to the improperly combined discussion.

Scholarship / The proposed study will have a vast impact on my professional career - Australian awards scholarship [3]

Kindly remove the "etc." reference in the essay as that removes the academic formality of your response. In order to maintain an academic tone, no short cut language should be used in the paragraphs and sentences. This will assure the reviewer of proper respect and a recognition of his authority on your part.

As far as I can tell, you have proposed the future of your career based on academic standards for the workplace. There is no personal career goal discussion and a personal interest in the study. It is this lack of passion in your writing when it comes to your career development that makes the essay boring to read. It sounds more like you memorized the course curriculum and duties and responsibilities listing of job openings at your office rather than you giving a personal analysis of your career direction, growth, and personal interest in completing both.

Consider the following:
- Your professional goals
- Your academic needs in relation to that goal
- Your path going forward after completing your studies

All of these need to be presented as a solid career plan rather than an enumeration of possible duties and responsibilities as you have now. Focus on specific targets that you hope to truly contribute and participate in then relate the studies back to those.

Graduate / Study plan for master's of enterprise management for university in China [2]

This is not a study plan. This is a personal statement. There is nothing in this presentation that represents an actual study plan based on your work experience, skills development need, and future plans. The fact that you graduated from a different course has nothing to do with your masters studies. Why? The masters studies require a minimum of 2 years work exposure in the field related to the course. It appears to me that you have that qualification so there is no need to mention the change in career path at this point. The study plan should only focus on the reason for your studies in this course, what your thesis might be (if the course is research based), and why you feel an important need to educate yourself in that emerging field. Everything relates to work experience and exposure. Your past studies have no relationship to the present and future of your career path.

Now, the advice I have given is based on the generally known facts about the development of a study plan. If you have specific requirements to respond to, then you should have provided it along with the essay that you wrote. That way, I could have given you more prompt relevant advise as opposed to the general observations based on standard requirements.

Writing Feedback / Possibility of space tourism and its impact on astronomic [2]

Right off the bat, I can tell you that this essay will not get a passing score because of the severe deductions you will get for writing less than 250 words. You only wrote 202 words, which means the missing 48 words will have corresponding percentage deductions applied to your overall presentation. Then there are the GRA problems since you are using 2 punctuation marks successively, a comma and ellipses, which is never done in academic or creative writing. Yes, that will mean additional points deductions. The paragraphs need to be properly formatted and run-on presentations should be eliminated. Write at least 3 sentences per paragraph to meet the word requirement.

Basically, you have too many errors in this writing to get a passing score. My suggestion is that you try to focus on proper sentence formatting and development. Use sentence building exercises to help you become better at properly creating simple and complex sentence presentations. You need to focus less on your essay writing for now and more on English writing skills development first.

Scholarship / Development Impact Plan - Theme: Science and Technology - Commonwealth [2]

Your response is widespread but common. It does not present a proper representation of each development issue as it is emerging on a global scale. The words you have written are empty, devoid of substance and relevance. You are enumerating the well known cyber problems and crimes, but not the emerging problems that have spun off from your previously mentioned problems, which are becoming more rampant and need a new form of cybersecurity consideration / software / platform / program to deal with it. Do more research on the emerging methods of ransomware and phising. Those are the current out of control cybersecurity threats that have varying levels of implications and complications (global, national, local levels).

There are no real development issues being represented in the second paragraph either. You need to be more specific about the problems or lack of skill set among software programmers and cybersecurity experts at the moment that are connected with your desire to improve yourself. For example, a development issue could be that the current experts are not capable of tracing the possible variations of the ransomware being used. Think along the lines of an emerging virus and how the epidemiologists try to get a step or two ahead of it. That should be the representation of the development issues.

Scholarship / English teacher - TESOL and the prospect for my future career (AAS) [4]

Delete the confusing first paragraph of this presentation. Bring the last paragraph up to the first paragraph place. That will create a more logical and understandable discussion of your career goals to the reviewer. You have to explain how the course will help you advance your career. You can do that by using the content of the current last paragraph.

Omit the Covid - 19 reference in the second paragraph. There is no relevance between Covid-19 and your career plans. You are only using it as the most common foundation of advanced studies, which should not be used when it is irrelevant to the discussion. Since you are not a healthcare professional, the mention of Covid-19 does not help your explanation. Start from the investment program of Indonesia instead. Make a general reference to the skills development requirement that will make you an in-demand expert upon your return. That will help to better explain how the studies will be relevant and necessary to your future career plans.

Writing Feedback / Writing task 1 the alteration of country's export of several products for one year from 2015 [2]

Your information in the first sentence is incorrect. First of all, there are two images represented, a table chart and a bar chart. So you have a image identification error in that presentation. Second, each presentation has a different focus, the bar chart represents the export earnings and the table chart, shows the percentage change in values for the same products. There is a TA error in your understanding and presentation of each image information that will cause inaccuracies in your data reporting.

Do not capitalize the word "and" at any given point. It cannot be capitalized in the middle of a presentation because it is not a proper noun. It cannot be used at the start of a sentence because it is a connecting word. It is one of the words in the English language that can never be capitalized in an academic or creative writing presentation.

Undergraduate / For a happier tomorrow - The American University in Cairo essay [2]

You described what the university is best known for in relation to Psychology. You have not described how you will personally benefit from being a part of this learning channel. What is the academic goal for you? How does the curriculum lend itself to the specific aspects of psychology that you aspire to learn about, control, and help other people recover from? Why is it important to you? How does the learning scheme at AUC fit into this picture? What is your early career plan? How does the university help you carve out your stepping stone in the world of Psychology? How do you hope to use the courses, internships, and other learning experiences to help you achieve the professional goal? Why is it personally important to you that you achieve the professional goal at AUC? These seem like out of the blue questions but these are actually guide questions that can help you deliver a more personal, academic, and professional response to the question.

Graduate / SOP MCs Computer Science - EPFL - academic background and career strategy [3]

You spent all of the essay discussing your academic background that you forgot all about the career strategy presentation. You have to present a discussion regarding your 5 year career plan and how you plan to achieve it through the completion of this course. The idea, is to present the importance of this course to your career in the future. Since you have decided to study this course, that means you have a career direction in mind. Discuss that, focus on how your undergraduate subjects specifically prepared you to take this course. From there, discuss your current career path and how you see it moving forward or changing direction due to the knowledge you will be acquiring. Portray yourself as a passionate career person who is looking to become trailblazer in this profession within 5 years.

Essays / SHORT ESSAY FOR LLM PROGRAMME AT THE UNIVERSITY OF EAST FINLAND [3]

They are asking you for a study plan / thesis proposal. What LLM programme in particular are you enrolling in? Is it for international law? International Trade Law? What? The particular law you will be writing about depends upon your interests and future career goals. Remember that the LLM programme is designed to help you prepare for your future career path. So think about the reason why you studied law in the first place. Were you able to follow that law interest? How? At what point are you at pertaining to your current career? Have your interests in law changed? What specific international / local law is of interest to you? Why? How does it apply to your professional goals? These are the reasons you can use to help you chart your advanced study of the law or policy as an LLM student.

Scholarship / Personal Statement for MSc Data Science scholarship in Sweden [3]

The main problem that I see with this personal statement is the divergence of your interests in the 3 domains of study. There has to be a common point of interest of professional application on your part that would justify the trifecta of courses. Since these are individualized discussions in your presentation, but a cross disciplinary study at UOL, you need to portray how the cross study will successfully blend into your career goals after you complete your studies. You have good individual presentations for your interest. However, you do not have a solid combination paragraph that would justify your career goal in relation to a unique or enhanced career path for yourself. Try to combine the 3 courses towards the end into a logical and doable career path for yourself to create a truly interesting and achievable personal statement representation.

Scholarship / AAS Scholarship for public policy [3]

Do not stray from the actual discussion requirement of this prompt which is, the application of each course choice, from each university within your career path after completing the course. You have given too much irrelevant discussion in this essay. Try to stay focused on the two areas of interest of the reviewer:

- Course choice ( in relation to your future career plans)
- University choice (in relation to your academic training and skills development within the chosen course)

Do not use combined discussions for the university. There are separate courses for you to choose from in each university. So pick a course, justify its relevance to your career path and / or needs of your country that you hope to fulfill, then explain how the university curriculum or training program can help you achieve the academic and professional goals you have set for yourself. Discuss each university individually. That is a must.

Scholarship / Supporting Statement AAS Scholarship for Master Degree in Public Health [4]

Wow! You were not being asked to give a total background of your interest in the course. The proposed course being asked about in the prompt is the course you have chosen to study at the university. Say the name of the course then explain its relevance to your career advancement based on your current career status and skills advancement requirements. You need to offer a detailed discussion of the course choice for each university and course. That means, you have to talk about 2 things:

- The reason you chose the course at the university
- Why you believe that this university and course answers your academic and work skills development requirement

As of now, you are giving a general discussion for the course choice based on your personal insight into a situation without relating it directly to the course choices and university considerations. The background should be based on work scenarios and not personal insight alone.

Writing Feedback / Is society's overall success more important than individual well being? [2]

I am not sure about the prompt that you are responding to so I cannot be very accurate in my review of your work. Please provide the prompt next time so I can consider the discussion in a clearer discussion requirement. Anyway, I can still offer a general review of your work which I hope will be helpful to you.

The first paragraph feels highly repetitious and does not get its point across to the reader clearly. Use of creative but non academic phrases such as "secret sauce" make it sound like you are writing a casual rather than formal paper. This deflects from the serious considerations for the discussion that you are trying to present. Next time try to use a more academic reference such as "I believe that the proper formula" or "I believe that the secret to the success", both of which create an academic representation of your thoughts.

With that said, your discussion still seems to be on point and uses relevant examples to support the validity of your opinion / discussion points. You just have to make sure that you stick to more formal academic word usage, avoiding phrases such as "the merrier" and simply stating "The more satisfied..." You are trying to impress the examiner with your vocabulary and English word usage but unfortunately, you are sacrificing the academic tone of the paper in the process.

Scholarship / "Raising in a middle-class family was indeed demanding" Commonwealth Scholarship Personal Statement [2]

The essay is on point until you get to the last paragraph. Since it appears that you are going to have some sort of career change from Mechanical Engineering to Renewable Energy, there needs to be a bridge in the discussion of this interest. What I am looking for in this essay, which the reviewer will also be looking for, is an explanation of how your Mechanical Engineering degree will be relevant to your Renewable Energy masters course. You mention that briefly in the portion about:


So there is a halfway point that will connect the two courses, which you should be showing in the essay. It would help if, as a Mechanical Engineer, you have already done some work in the field of renewable energy as this will show that you have the foundation for studies in the Renewable Energy field. This will also help you better respond to the part of the prompt that requires you to show ways that your personal background has encouraged you to want to make an impact in your home country.

Right now, the discussion highlights more of your education rather than a balanced presentation of the prompt requirements. Shorten your personal background. Focus more on how your exposure to your father's work helped build the foundation for your interest in mechanical engineering and renewable energy. Truth be told, your barrier to higher education is not as compelling as it sounds. Your problem only relates to a mixed family setting. Which means there were several households in one house. That is not exactly the kind of dramatic and compelling situation that the scholarship would consider to be note worthy.

The fact that your father lost his job when you were in 3rd grade? Not relevant. The prompt is asking you to discuss higher education. So that means college level. Third grade is elementary, high school is secondary education, and college, is tertiary or higher education as that is the focused and specialized field of education that is relevant to your scholarship application.

Scholarship / Treasury operations / Accounting - How will the proposed study contribute to your career*? [3]

The first problem this presentation has is formatting. Divide the short, medium, and long term plans into paragraphs. The paragraphs will make it easier for the reviewer to keep track of your presentation in relation to the time frame of your professional development. However, prior to presenting these information, it would be beneficial to your presentation if you give a summary of your current work position, duties, and responsibilities that may help the reviewer align your proposed career development with your study interests as based on your current profession. If the Treasury Department has some sort of program that aims to better fulfill the needs of the government in some way, and these align with your career plans, then make mention and explain those as well. Connect the discussions based on career development considerations of the past (as the foundation), the present (as the current strategy), and the future (ultimate career goal over 5 years). Do not forget to use paragraphs whenever possible to aid in the reading and scanning of the information you are presenting.

Letters / Motivation Letter For Master's in Embedded Systems at the University of Saarland, Germany [5]

The motivation letter is not convincing. It does not contain an academic and professional motivation as required by your current employment. The letter itself does not follow the format of a standard motivation letter. I am not sure if you were given specific discussion points for this letter development. Based on what you have written it appears there isn't any. It would be better if you delete this letter in totality and work from scratch. This time focus the motivation letter on:

- Observations of problems within your current profession
- An explanation of where your desire to resolve these problems comes from
- A reference to why you decided to study at this particular university that does not refer to the "free tuition" scheme.
- A description of how your future plans motivate you to complete this course

These are the basic motivational interests that the reviewer often looks for in a motivational letter. He needs to sense your excitement about the course and studying at the university. He needs to understand why you chose to study in Germany based on academic and professional accomplishment of the country in your field of interest. He must feel your excitement at the thought of being able to contribute to this field of work in your home country. Basically, he needs to see and feel your interest to everything connected with the your country and course choice along with your university option. This current version fails to represent any of those interests.

Scholarship / Question about AAS Support Statement for Master of Business Administration [4]

There appears to be a conflict of interest in your presentation. At the start, you make it appear that you work for your wife's family's business, but in the last plan, you indicate you will be applying for a job at specific companies. How can you implement the changes at the family restaurant, while being a full-time employee at one of the two companies you indicated? It appears difficult for you to be at two places at once, implementing two different career paths. Perhaps you should clarify the timeline for the restaurant improvement so as to clarify the period of time that you plan to work at the restaurant before applying for the jobs. You can consider that one of the possible constraints in the presentation.

Graduate / Industrial Revolution 4.0. Statement Of Purpose for MSc in Human Resources [3]

This is more of a personal statement than a statement of purpose. The statement of purpose has to reflect several sets of information that explain the career goal as it relates to your masters course interests. You have a good hook at the end of the essay. The one about seeing your job as a passion and calling rather than a job. You should use that to open the essay. Then proceed to explain the purpose of your studies.

The main goal of this essay is to prove that there is a professional reason for your studies. This is based on your future career plans as supported by your undergraduate studies and work training up to the present time. The essay you are presenting lacks focus. It is more of an autobiography rather than a summary of your relevant studies, training, and other relevant experience in relation to a solid and singular purpose for your studies. The purpose should be clear in the first paragraph then supported by the succeeding paragraph presentations. Keep it short and relevant. The "People's Enthusiast" statement works as a platform for your purpose. Build on it.

Focus on your current professional journey and why you feel a need to improve your theoretical and practical skills. Think of the course curriculum of the course you are taking, then compare it to your relevant studies and job responsibilities. Align your purpose with your training and experience. Do not enumerate everything in an over extended manner. That creates a boring information sheet. Keep the information relevant and simply presented. Always circle back to your purpose, both academic and professional, for the presentation.

Undergraduate / [KGSP-U] Our Future is Determined by Our Reactions, Not by Our Situations [2]


This is the worst reason / motivation to study in Korea. Unless you have an actual dream / career goal / ambition that you hope to pursue, but cannot effectively pursue in Indonesia, then you do not have an effective motivation to study in Korea. Simple admiration for a country will not compel the reviewer to give you the scholarship. All of the applicants for GKS admire Korea, so your educational motivation is not solid enough. It is common and irrelevant. The content of that paragraph sounds more like you want to be sponsored tourist instead of an eager academic scholar. Your intention to not be a financial burden to your mother as a college student is admirable. However, it is not a compelling reason to motivate the awarding of the scholarship to you.


Why is this a notable mention in your essay? How does this experience make you a viable candidate not in terms of maturity, but in terms of relevance to your possible contribution to the scholarship program and the university you might be attending? Does this relay the idea that you have leadership skills that the reviewer should take note of? As for community service, with what organization did you participate? Why did you decide to join them in helping that village? What motivated you to become that sort of socially conscious person?

Scholarship / AAS scholarship question: why did I choose my course - Master of Engineering (Civil and Structure) [7]

Unfortunately, this is not the type of essay that actually responds to the prompt provided. The question is why you chose the course and institution. The essay must present either the same course, based on an interest in 2 universities in Australia or, 2 courses based on 2 universities in the country. It should not represent only your personal interests in the course. The personal and career interests need to show how the courses you have chosen will augment certain knowledge / problems or lack of skills on your part. The universities need to excel in the field of your choice, based on your academic and professional goals, to be of service as a reason to study there. The essay requires specifics, your essay is an over generalization which will not be of interest to the reviewer as it shows that you lack familiarity with the courses and universities in Australia and how these actually can be helpful to your future career path.

Scholarship / Learning Success - Personal Statement - GKS Graduate University Track [3]

Do you have a career objective that motivates you to take up this masters course? You mentioned Walt Disney at the start but your essay failed to circle towards that quote and its relevance to your career motivation in the overall presentation. You also mentioned separately that you really want to complete this masters course, but the motivation that drives this desire in you cannot be found in the essay. The essay is strong in all aspects, except the motivation by which you decided to apply for this program.

The missing points in this essay are:
- The career motivation / professional ambition that shows a career goal that will be supported by the studies
- The academic considerations, training, and learning goal that helped you choose the universities you are applying to directly.

You should focus on the most important aspects for consideration in this presentation. As a university track application, the reviewer needs to read about how various motivating factors led to:

- The decision to study in Korea (academic and professional factors)
- The desire to learn that pushed you to choose specific masters courses at these universities.