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Posts by IvanMS027
Name: Ivan M Siegfried
Joined: Oct 25, 2016
Last Post: Dec 2, 2016
Threads: 43
Posts: 56  
Likes: 9
From: Indonesia
School: Padjadjaran University

Displayed posts: 99 / page 1 of 3
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IvanMS027   
Dec 2, 2016
Writing Feedback / The number of train and other transportations increased steadily over the 15 years period from 1985 [2]

The table below gives information about changes in modes of travel in England between 1985 and 2000

The changes of median distance per a person, measured in miles in England for 1985 to 2000 are shown in the table. Overall, it can be seen that the majority of kinds of transportation using fuel increased while the car was transportation modes used with the largest distance.

Between 1985 and 2000, the average number of distance travelling foot and bicycle decreased steadily from 256 to 237 and 51 to 41 respectively, while the number of local bus fell almost a half of the number in the beginning of the period. In contrast, the trend for local distance bus grew almost one hundred percent. Car, which is the transportation used to travel in the largest distance, increased by almost 1600 while taxi only grew by around 30.

The number of train and other transportations increased steadily. The former grew from 239 to 366 while the latter jumped to 585. Furthermore, the average length of all modes of transportations inclined remarkably from 4740 in 1980 to 6475 in the end of the period.

(172 Words)




IvanMS027   
Dec 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / A date over the Internet? The lack of the information about your mate is the biggest disadvantage. [3]

With the latest technological advancements, dating is now possible online. Would you recommend online dating for your single friends? What are the advantages and disadvantages of online dating? Site some examples to support your answer.

In the modern world, we have seen the developments of technology around us. Because of that, not only applications of social media, but also applications online dating are now available online. I would not recommend this to people around me since the drawback outweigh the benefits. This essay will first discuss the disadvantage that online dating can be established anytime anywhere, then present that the lack of the information of your mate is the biggest disadvantage.

Today, real-time communications such as video streaming or teleconference are made possible by the breakthrough having been done by researchers, followed by the increasing number of online dating. This means that dating can do online. With the advancements of technology, people can interact each other without the gap of communication such as the distance. Also, since the Wi-Fi spots are extensively available around us, people can do dating anytime as long as the computer is connected to the internet.

However, since they do not meet physically, they do not know the real character between them. The long distance that separated them is the reason why they cannot meet. Taking my friend's experience as an example. He had used the online dating for 6 years and had a partner, but after they had met, he disappointed because his partner had temperamental personality, and led them to end their relationship. This experience may be experienced by everyone, and the example is the evidence that we should not do online dating.

All in all, for above-mentioned points, I would like to prefer to choose the conventional dating for my friends. Even though online dating can be done anytime anywhere, lacking understanding your partner's personality can be the bad effect to the relationship

(285 Words)
IvanMS027   
Dec 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / Housing in Lakeside became infrequent while industrial complex saw the largest number of development [2]

The changes in Lakeside in 2000 and 2009.

The developments of Lakeside city between 2000 and 2009 are shown in the figure. Overall, it can be seen that housing became infrequent while industrial complex saw the largest number of developments.

In 2000, the residential areas were located in the north-west, south-west, and south-east. However, after 9-year, housing became uncommon, indicated by a group of houses in the north-west was still available. Another location in south-west became shopping center while there was an enormous number of the industrial complex in south-east.

The number of educational schools increased in 2009, taking over old town in 2000. Moreover, there was a change in entertainment center. At first, the art center in the west was located, but in the last of the period, it became the cinema. Furthermore, the car park was built in the north, changing derelict warehouse. The area of the lake which is located in the north-east also shrunk, and it changed to the pond during the end of the period.

(162 Words)




IvanMS027   
Dec 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / The process of electricity generation from the sea wave [2]

The diagrams show a structure that is used to generate electricity from wave power.

The process of electric generation from the sea wave is shown in the graphs which the "A" graph inform the process when the waves come to the chamber and "B" graph present when the wave leaves the chamber. Overall, it can be seen that the air is forced by the direction of wave and rotates the turbine to produce electricity.

First of all, this machine is placed beside cliff or sea wall, which consists of the chamber used for catching the sea wave, the turbine for generating electricity, and the column for air ventilation.

The process started when the wave goes to the chamber. Then, the air is gone by the wave to the top of the column and the air rotates the turbine in the clockwise direction. The power is produced as the result of the generating-electricity process by the turbine. Furthermore, when the wave leaves the chamber, the turbine is rotated with the same direction by the air coming from upper column to the chamber, producing electricity that can power up a lamp.

(175 Words)




IvanMS027   
Dec 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / Some people have the experience that when they speak, people do not listen to them [3]

Hi. Here are my suggestions for you.

The human voice is the instrument ...

the human voice is the all of people's instrument to play and express a vast amount of.....

in other wordS we called gossip.

The others are judging, negativity which makes someone hard to listen and understand, complaining ...
--> try not to make a shopping list for your summary.

... alphabet represent aN essential word.

I hope it can be useful for you.
Goodluck and Keep Spirited
IvanMS027   
Nov 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / Is it true that being innovative and independent gives you a better chance to get an awesome job? [2]

Some people think when recruiting, companies should aim to take on people who are innovative and able to work independently while others considered they should recruit people who are able to work in a team and follow instructions. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

When we are going to be interviewed, we are often asked what the real personality of ours is. Sometimes, we afraid that our character will not match with the company. There is an opinion that company hires the person having innovation and independence, while others say that people who can collaborate and strict to the instruction are more likely to be employed. In my own perspective, it depends on the kinds of works, and this essay will first discuss the views of working independently that can lead to finish the work faster, followed by working in a team that will lead to make the clear instruction.

First of all, people having innovative ideas are able to make a brand new thing that can be useful for company. It is important for company focusing on selling goods to the public. For people working independently, the time they need to resolve the company's problem is also shorter. Research conducted by Mr. Fujinuma Satoru from Beijing University has also proved that they can consume 27 percent of time shorter than others. However, owing to the fact that they depend on their own thinking, they do not frequently overcome the problem's core.

People that can work in a team and follow the instruction sometimes consume the time longer since the debates are often seen. However, because more employees' minds are involved, obstacles facing by industries are solved precociously, and brainstorming resulted by long debates gives one clearly solution. In my opinion, the company has own typical workers they need. For example, advertising company is more likely to hire innovative person while the statistical company tends to choose the people having ability to work together in the same team.

All in all, I briefly believe that the different job will lead to different requirements of workers able to solve the company's obstacle. Furthermore, employees having innovative and independent characters attract the company needing innovation while others need workers that can follow the employers' plan.

(329 Words)
IvanMS027   
Nov 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / There's an opinion that the hard work and decisive personality are the secret of being successful [2]

Some people think that hard work and determination are the keys to success in life. Some, on the other hand, think that there are other factors behind a successful life. Give your opinion

There is an opinion that having hard work and decisive personalities are the secret of being success. Others believe that having those personalities are not enough. In my opinion, not only hard work and determination, but also family influence are needed to reach the success.

Today, life is getting harder and harder. In order to deal with the problems around us, we should have the good personal habits that are able to overcome those problems. Hard work and determination are the most needed personalities nowadays. Research conducted by Mr. Fujinuma Satoru from King University of London tells has told that 43 percent of people having this personality gets the better chance to be more success, and in addition, he takes the wages as the indicator of success because it is hard to measure other indicators. Furthermore, I briefly believe that hard work without determination can decrease the chance to be success since the companies, nowadays, need the people having those traits as their employees.

However, based on my experience, family's influence gives the big impact to be one of the factors of people's success. Every person in the world needs supports when they are down. The TED presentation in Arizona, presented by Mr. John Wakawangze from Leeds University, presents that family gives 63 percent of people's success. He argued that people cannot make a big step in their life without the influence from people around them, especially the relatives.

All in all, based on the research that I've mentioned before, I strongly believe that having a character to choose a decision and giving all of our efforts to do work are not enough. We also need the support from the closest people, especially our family to grab the success of life.

(291 Words)
IvanMS027   
Nov 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Learning grammar is not suitable for students at primary school [2]

Some experts believe that it is better for children to begin learning a foreign language at primary school rather than secondary school. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

Learning language is essential for everyone since language is a basic need of our life to communicate properly each other. Some researchers say that mastering a language should be started at secondary school while others believe that it will be better to start at primary school. I believe that studying when they are young is much better and outweigh the disadvantage.

Grammar is a key part of the language and should be learnt by everyone who wants to be a master in a language. There are a lot of grammar materials needed a high understanding about it. Moreover, the group of researchers led by Mr. Nagisa Shiota from Tokyo University found that because of immature brains, the children attending primary school cannot throughout learn the subject. Furthermore, they stated that teenagers having aged 12 or older can readily understand the subject. This proves that learning grammar is not suitable for students at primary school and become the drawback for the primary-school students.

However, when they become older, they will lose the ability to absorb new vocabularies which are the essential part of languages. Young children have the ability to remember one paper vocabulary with only spending an hour, compared to older people needing at least 5 hours. This phenomenon was explained by Prof. Leonardo, the expert of the human brain from Imperial College London, that children have "sponge brain" and it will become faded as the higher number of age. This is the benefit of people starting to learn new languages in the primary school. In other words, starting to earn vocabulary at primary school and study grammar in the secondary school is the perfect way to fully understand a new language.

All in all, I briefly believe that the advantage of starting language in the early time outweigh the disadvantage because even though to understand the grammar is suitable when the brain is mature, expanding the vocabularies should be started at primary school.

(324 Words)
IvanMS027   
Nov 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Writing test 2 (media prefer to make news about famous people such as actors, singers, etc) [3]

Hi. Here are my suggestions for you.

They decide to choose them because more ...

Where is your main subject for your subclause?

numerous people who have best achievement and

For superlative, don't forget to place THE as the determiner.

involve in many activity are seldom to show,

VERB cannot be the subject. change it to be GERUND

As we know, numerous people who don't have popularity like ... (Where is your main clause? REMEMBER: (The number of conjunction = The number of sentence+1) .

For example, Siti from bekasi she got scholarship to Germany because OF her achievements. She graduated from THE best university in Indonesia with THE best score,...

... or we usually called ojek(Please state that only Indonesian that called that) . It's very inspire many people. (when BE followed by verb, you should make sure that the verb is Ving or V3).

Suggestions:
I found many mistakes from your grammatical structures from subject-verb agreement. Try to improve that and you can try to give the revisions in this essay.

I hope it can be useful for you.
Goodluck and Keep Spirited.
IvanMS027   
Nov 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Water Canary is Easily Future Devices [4]

Hi. Here are my suggestions towards your essay.

The cholera is one of disease that is caused ...

if you want to tell the water which is contaminated, you can try to use "contaminated water rather than water contaminated."

The previous device to test water contaminated ...

The device to test contaminated water or the device to test the water containing harmful materials.

disadvantages, like after ...

"like" is not conjunctions.

for implementation need very expensive cost.

Prepositional phrase is not able to be the subject of sentence.

because use light for the chemical reaction to take place, also it is cheap ...

where is your subject here?

when you are using the conjunctions, make sure that (the number of conjunctions = the number of sentence +1)

light which the red light indicate the contaminated water

You cannot use this adverbial clause here. try to use Noun Clause.

I hope it can be useful for you.
Goodluck and Keep Spirited.
IvanMS027   
Nov 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / There is an opinion that the best way to teach pupils is their attending into homeschooling [2]

Some people believe that teaching children at home is best for a child's development while others think that it is important for children to go to school.

Discuss the advantages of both methods and give your own opinion.


There is an opinion that the best way to teach their pupils is attending them into homeschooling while others say that public school has its own benefit. I believe that teaching children at home can make a better development of students. This essay will first discuss home-schooling can make better progress since the developments are being monitored by its teacher then present socializing is the biggest benefit of students attending public school.

Every child in the world has its own uniqueness, and we cannot treat a child as same as the others. Having a small number of students, teacher can monitor every single progress and choose the most effective of teaching methods to them. This will lead the pupils to more progress than the ones attending the public school which is popularly believed that many students cannot be comprehensively monitored by the teacher. The research conducted by Mr. Fujinuma Satoru in Kyoto University finds that almost 72 percent of home-schooling students gets higher chance of success when they reach the age of 25. This is the evidence that schooling at home is the best way to develop the children's developments.

However, students need to socialize in order to expand their network. As the micro model of society, public school gives the chance to its students to know each other, to act appropriately when they meet, and to have a tolerance if they meet some differences such as the way of thinking, or religion. Because of a large number of students, teacher cannot see the developments of all children in the classroom. The same research also gives the explanation that 32 percent of students cannot be fully monitored by its teacher. This is the main problem of public school.

All in all, I believe that home-schooling is much better because the teacher can monitor its students comprehensively. Having a large number of friends, the students can easily socialize each other even though the developments cannot be fully seen by the teacher.

(329 Words)
IvanMS027   
Nov 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / The teenagers are frequently paticipating as a part of the working for community developments [2]

Adult youths are often called up for working for the development of communities. Do you think they should work voluntarily or should they get paid? Give your opinion

The teenagers are frequently called to make a part of the working for community developments. There are some opinions that they should get the money for what have they done. I believe that work without being paid can be good for them, and this essay will first discuss getting paid for community is not reasonable then present that working voluntarily can form a good working behavior for adult youths.

Some people believe that older-young generations should be paid for working on development of community. It is not reasonable since they work for charity. There is a statistical result conducted by International Statistical Institute (ISI) in 2015, which told that almost 74 percent of 120 nations on where the surveyed did not pay their youth, especially on community developments. Furthermore, the survey also gave the reason that paying them at this stage of age forms their mind to become money oriented. This is the reason why they are not paid of their work.

However, working voluntarily can form the mind to work based on quality, not based on money, which has been proved by Mr. Fujinoma Satoru from Kyoto University. in other words, this is the right time for them to not only expand their skills but also know more their neighbors around them. This can directly increase their way to act properly with them, which can be useful in the future.

All in all, for above-mentioned points, I believe that it is non-sense for youths who are popularly believed as the starting point to expand their capability to be paid for charity. Thanks to working voluntarily, the older-young generations are able to explore more about the skills they should have and pour to the community as well.

(287 Words)
IvanMS027   
Nov 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / The % of national shares spent on food, accommodation, transportation, health care and clothing [2]

The bar chart below shows shares of expenditures for five major categories in the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom, and Japan in the year 2009

The percentage of national shares spending on food, accommodation, transportation, health care and clothing in the US Canada, UK and Japan in 2009 is shown in the bar graph. Overall, it can be seen that housing was the highest spending on while the least was the health care for most of the countries.

First of all, the United States and Canada experienced the same proportion around 15 percent for food, followed by the UK having 20 percent, then Japan getting 3 percent higher than the UK. For housing matter, there was no proportion below 20 percent, indicating that most of the countries spent many in this sector. Around a quarter was spent by the US and UK while Canada and Japan had around 21 and 22 percent respectively.

The country where spent the most on transportation was Canada having a quarter while Japan got a half of that proportion. The United States had around 17 percent, followed by the UK having 2 percent lower. For clothing, the nearly same proportion was seen among countries, having around 5 percent. Furthermore, for health care, the United States spent the most, getting around 7 percent, while the others spent below 5 percent.

(198 Words)




IvanMS027   
Nov 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / In this modern era, the pressure is faced by not only older people, but also children. [2]

Children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce these pressures?

In this modern era, the pressure is faced by not only older people, but also children. The problems consist of academic, social, and commercial matters. This essay will first discuss the causes of the obstacles, which are the national examination, bullying, and the expensive books, then present that grading based on understanding, making attention on children's behavior, and using library books can be the solutions of the problems.

Nowadays, everyone faces the new challenges, so do the children. We can see from the academic perspective that the children face the national examination. One of the famous psychologist from Brisbane University, Mr. Seto, said that it could make the youth more stressful because their brain cannot afford it. Moreover, bullying is another cause that can make their life harder, especially on daily school lives. The pupils are also being forced by the teacher to buy expensive books to be their literature in the school.

How the way that can be done by us to overcome these problems? We can try to change the way we grade the pupils to be based on understanding so the children are not forced to pass the exam but they should understand in order to have a higher grade. Furthermore, bullying can be solve using Anti-Bullying Method, introduced by Mr. Shiraishi from Kyoto University, which requires the teacher's attention on children's behavior so that they can reduce the bullying practice in the school. Encouraging the teacher and providing the free books by the schools in the library can also reduce the pressure of children on the commercial side, and everyone can have the same equality each other.

All in all, the children's pressure on academic can be easily solved by converting the method of grading, followed by bullying which is able to be removed by the teacher responsibility on pupils' behavior. Besides, the commercial sector which leads the pressure on students can be reduced by providing a book which can be borrowed by them.

(328 Words)
IvanMS027   
Nov 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Foreign Language and Mathematics - the subjects with the least disparity between girls and boys [2]

The bar chart below shows the percentage of students who passed their high school competency exams, by subject and gender, during the period 2010-2011.

The proportion of students passing high school competency based on subject and gender between 2010 and 2011 is shown in the bar chart. Overall, it can be seen that Foreign Language and Mathematics were the subjects having the least gap between the girls and boys while the majority of subjects was dominantly passed by girls except for Geography.

First of all, there was a small gap between men and women, which is almost 1 percent for both Mathematics and Foreign Language, and the percentage for both was nearly the same at around 47 percent and 49 percent respectively. The same trend was seen in Physics and History as well. The former got 37 percent for women with around 2 percent gap higher while the latter experienced 25 percent with around 3 percent gap.

The highest gap was seen on Chemistry having a half of women percentage, followed by Computer Science getting 56.3 percent for girls and 42.1 percent for boys. In contrast, the Geography subject was passed dominantly by boys having around 30 percent while the women got one in ten lower than men.

(183 Words)




IvanMS027   
Nov 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Pupils are pressed by their surroundings like academic circle even for commercial purposes [3]

high parents' expectation

high expectation of parents

... based on their passions, and also growingGROWN their sense of awareness.

... and make them to keep stay at home to study.

KEEP STAYING

Secondly is caused by global challenge.

secondly, IT is caused by THE global challenge.

Because of the raise RISING NUMBER of world's inhabitants, it brings AN effect that many ...

..., so here it is ARE some solutions ...
... many exercises of that, AND they will not feel pressured.
... already have THE awareness why they (...), also parents must grow and give A clear explanation about theIR future condition .

I hope it can be useful for you.
Goodluck and Keep Spirited.
IvanMS027   
Nov 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / A comparison of the amount of High School Students who reach minimum grade to pass competency exams [3]

Hi. Here are my suggestions for you

... to pass competency exams that is divided(,) based on subjects (...) by using THE bar graph.
... science exam had the most enormous percentage, aTHE smallest value (...) who took THE chemistry test.

started with the most tremendous value that was displayed by computer ...

Where is your main verb here for the first clause?

Next, physics and history had THE difference less than ...
... percentage in boys, in comparisonCOMPARED TOwith others.
... more than 10% that isWAS illustrated by boys ...
... were more than two times (HIGHER THAN ?) .

I hope it can be useful for you.
Goodluck and Keep Spirited
IvanMS027   
Nov 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / A breakdown of figure for the viewers of channel one news between January and December [2]

The graph below shows the average daily figures for Channel One News over a 12-month period

A breakdown of figure for the viewers of channel one news, measured in millions per day between January and December is served in the line chart. Overall, the viewer watching at 6pm news decreased slightly while 1pm visitor remained stable. August experienced a top for 11 pm while for 9.30pm news, it jumped to the lowest point.

Over an 8-month period, it can be seen that the viewers watching 6pm news fluctuated and decreased from just below 5 to just below 3.5. although 11pm news was first introduced on 1st may, it reached a peak 3 months later just above 4 million, the most highest viewers at that time, while 9.30pm program lost its viewers, indicated by decreasing number from just above 3 to just above 1 which was the smallest number of it.

Between august and December, 9.30pm news was gaining its viewers again, indicated by a significant increase to 3. However, there was a significant decrease to just below 1 for 11pmnews while 1pm and 6pm news remained stable below 1.5 and below 3.5 respectively.

(177 Words)




IvanMS027   
Nov 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / International tourists coming to five different countries, measured in millions [2]

The graph below gives information about international tourist arrivals in five countries.

A breakdown of the figure for international tourist coming in five different countries, measured in millions, over a period of 15 years is shown in the line graph. Overall, it can be seen that total tourist arrivals increased from 1995 to 2010. We can also see that all countries got the highest arrivals in 2010 except the USA.

In 1995, around 70 million visitors come to the USA while the figure of France stood at around a half of that amount. The tourist coming to Malaysia was at just above 20 while Egypt and Brazil stood at relatively the same number in just below 10.

Between 1995 and 2010, it can be seen that the number of visitors coming to the USA was relatively the highest among other countries although 2010 saw the same number between France and the USA. It was caused by the significant increase of France, jumping from just above 30 to around 90. There was a steady growth to around 50 for Malaysia while Brazil and Egypt remained the same below 25.

(176 Words)




IvanMS027   
Nov 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / A breakdown of the figure for generating electricity using many sources in two distant countries [3]

The pie charts below show electricity generation by source in New Zealand and Germany in 1980 and 2010.

A breakdown of the figure for generating electricity with many sources in New Zealand and Germany in 1980 and 2010 is shown in the pie charts. Overall, it can be seen that the units of both countries increased significantly, even though there was a difference in electricity they used.

In 1980, coal was used to generate the electricity, having 56 of the total 127 units, increasing to 150 of the total 200 units in 2010. However, there was a difference in Germany which they mostly depended on nuclear power plant with 155 out of 214 units in 2010.

Hydropower also became the second largest electricity source in 2010 although, in France, hydro-power lost the usage falling from 7 to 2 units. Both countries, however, did not depend anymore on natural gas, indicated by 2 percent for both. The same condition happened to coal electricity source in New Zealand, but in Germany, it increased to 27 in 2010.

(157 Words) 




IvanMS027   
Nov 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / It is a waste of money to establish libraries since the public can use the Internet at home. [5]

Some people think it is a waste of money to establish libraries since the public can use the Internet at home to obtain information, do you agree or disagree?

people choose libraries to find information



There is an opinion that starting to build a library is a throwing of money since the citizen can use the internet to find information anything they want. I really disagree with the opinion because not all data from the internet are valid. However, statistical result shows that many people still place the library as the first place to find reference.

Anyone can connect to the internet, and we can search anything that we want from the internet. However, the information from the internet sometimes is not valid because anyone can provide information without being proved. Research conducted by Ms. Urara Shiraishi from Tokyo University gives the result that almost 72 percent web sites except journal website provides the wrong information about the earth (used to be a controlled variable). This is the evidence that we cannot use the internet as our "first reference."

Although to build library costs a lot of money, in fact, since 2000, the number of visitor searching a book a valid journal has increased so far according to the research conducted by Mr. James Goods from Leeds University. He mentioned that there is no point to tell that making libraries is just spending the budget. He also stated that in the future, all academic source should be cited from library. So this is non-sense to tell that establishing libraries are wasting a money.

All in all, I believe that we cannot find a perfect reference from internet. Because of its prospect, making libraries can be acceptable because people, now, tend to choose library to find any information as their reference.

(265 Words)
IvanMS027   
Nov 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / The water shortage is observed in the most of countries over the world [2]

What are the causes of water scarcity? What are your solutions?

In the modern age, water is a crucial factor needed by everyone. It is popularly believed that water scarcity happens to most of countries over the world. This essay will first discuss about the causes resulting water scarcity caused by over water use and El-Nino, then present the seawater and weather modification can be the solution to overcome the problem.

We live in the situation when we cannot stop the use of water. The company can also get the soil water and give the adverse effect such as the lack of water. Research conducted by Mrs. Yui Yoshioka from Fukuoka University found that over usage of water is the cause causing water scarcity in most countries. However, she also stated that El-Nino, the weather condition which summer takes longer than raining season, was another cause as well.

Here are my solutions. Firstly, the company should replace soil water from seawater with using the salt filtration and convert it to be the water without salt. It can scientifically increase the water storage level inside the soil just above 35 percent according to newscientist. Also, weather modification such as giving salt to clouds can solve the dry season although it cost much money. This can be the solution for drought in a particular country. These are the suitable solutions and proved by science.

All in all, soil water used by company should be converted to sea water to preserve the water level in the land. Also, El-Nino condition can be overcome by spreading salt to clouds.

(253 Words)
IvanMS027   
Nov 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / The number of people from overseas who visit five different states, during a four years period [3]

Hi Miss Reski. Here are my suggestions for you.

in order to make your score higher, you are encouraged to use the variety of complex structure. it should be changed to "... 5 states during 4 years periods(,) is measured in millions."

... gradual incline approximately 5.
==> By 5

of visitors in France from 30 to 60.
or you can say "two-fold"

witnessed an extremely increase of tourist GOING to Malaysia and France.

I hope it can be useful for you.
Goodluck and Keep Spirited.
IvanMS027   
Nov 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / From January to May, there was a gradual rise of Channel One News viewers at 9.30pm. [3]

Hi Miss Reski. Here are my suggestions for you.

Overall, it can be seen that a fluctuation ...

this should be extended. You can find other data should the trend of 1pm news etc.

... and experienced AN increase to 3,9. 6pm (...) during that period IT fluctuated in THE proportion of viewer. It saw A decline by 2 in May. Besides, there was A stable trend of figure ...

..., there was the new time of news ...
It witnessed AN upward trend until (...) extremely drop in the proportion of viewer ...

Suggestions:

1. try to make an attention to subject-verb agreement. I found some sentences that i could find the subject.
2. do not include your opinion. we are forbidden to write down any opinion for writing task 1.
3. try to use the cohesive devices to make your sentence move "smoothly"
4. Make sure you use the ARTICLE.

I hope it can be useful for you.
Goodluck and Keep Spirited.
IvanMS027   
Nov 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / Information about current yielding by source in New Zealand and Germany [2]

Hi Miss Anna.

Again, please do not forget to upload your figure here.

Overall, New Zealand generated larger electricity than Germany in 1980, but it ...

i suggest you to change the "generated larger electricity" because the data are not available at the figure. i'm afraid that it could be an opinion.

... to produce electricity in both New Zealand.

==> both countries

... more than a half of coal than WHILE Germany ...

New Zealand in 2010 at 150 that six fold lower than Germany.

==> that are six fold higher than Germany.

It had the same number of petroleum source in ...

same number with?

I hope it can be useful for you.
Goodluck and Keep Spirited.
IvanMS027   
Nov 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / Over the period of 1980 and 2010, coal was the biggest energy source used in New Zealand. [2]

Hi Miss Reski, Here are my suggestions for you.

In contrast, the smallest source was petroleum and hydro in German.

It would be better for you to search for the highest source in Germany as well.

However, just 28 units, it was no change in total units.

what do you mean about this sentence?

Suggestion:
I think you should pay an attention to significant data that should be written in your writing task 1. I can't find you mentioned about Nuclear in Germany which is the important data for your essay. Also, try to compare between New Zealand and Germany power source.


I hope it can be useful for you.
Goodluck and Keep Spirited.
IvanMS027   
Nov 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / Three schedules of One News channel experienced unsteadiness between July and December [2]

Hi Anna. Here are my suggestions for you.

First of all, do not forget to place your graph here.

... daily viewing figures,measured in million viewers, for channel One News over ...

... increased slightly after hitting a high point in September.

However, you served the data well. try to change the "11pm" to "11pm news" to make it better, and give the 9.30pm news in august a state that "reached a bottom" or you can compare it with the peak of 11pm news.

Well done.
Goodluck and Keep Spirited.
IvanMS027   
Nov 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / A comparison of the information about source of power supply in New Zealand and Germany [3]

Meanwhile, Germany showed difference of their main ...

Directly, you can say Nuclear as the main source of Germany electricity

The most significant DECREASE was taken by ...

Suggestion:
I see your explanation is good. However, try to compare the data from New Zealand and Germany because it is possible for you to compare both of them. Furthermore, i cannot find the explanation about the total units between two countries. Try to put the data into your "small data". For instance, in 1980, Hydro supply saw a small increase by 16 OUT OF127 UNITS.

I hope it can be useful for you.
Goodluck and Keep Spirited
IvanMS027   
Nov 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / The number of daily viewers for 1 pm, 6 pm, 9.30 pm, and 11 pm news in Channel One over a 12-months [2]

Hi miss Ifra, Here are my suggestions for you.

It can be seen that 11 pm news was launched on 1st May and peaked at August ...

try to find the "general trend and the most interesting point" that you earn when you are looking the figures. It should be "more general"

... end of the month(,) IT gained the ...
... increased slightly to JUST under 4 in May ...

However, 9.30 news WAS least popular on ...

you can mention the data or compare the data without mentioning every data. However, I can't see the clear time explanation in your first body paragraph. your first sentence told that it is "From January to April" then moved to "at the end of the month" then came back again to "From January to April"

I hope it can be useful for you. Goodluck.
IvanMS027   
Nov 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / Development of technologies changes the way of looking the information. Are libraries still needed? [3]

Hi Miss Ifra.
I will focus on your grammatical structure and hope it can be helpful for you


I believe that library provides more accurate information (...) place to study than the internet .

74 percent of students in California useS the internet

Internet is always preceded by article "the"

many kinds of media/material such as articles and videos

looking for information not only from reading but ...

==> where is your main verb?

to library TO not only to find books but ...

it IS proved that library has become

In conclusion, i strongly believe that library is the place ...

make sure that paragraph consists of at least 2 sentences.

Goodluck and Keep Spirited
IvanMS027   
Nov 20, 2016
Writing Feedback / There are many problems that make water become hard to get; Water Scarcity and Solutions [2]

Hi @faizunaa17, here are my suggestions for you.

It is usually caused by natural condition ...

... causes that usually makes

Nowadays our seasons time iscycles are very weird

make sure that your words/phrase before and after the conjunction are equal. you should write: for overusing gasoline and creating greenhouse effect. But, I suggest you for using complex conjunction rather than compound conjunction.

effect that makes

the increasing of number of the vehiclesi s a result of the decreasing price which can makes every people can purchase it.

... burning process produces smoke that reduce

suggestion:
try to give an "overview" explanation for your first body paragraph on introductory paragraph

I hope it can be helpful for you.
Goodluck and Keep Spirited.
IvanMS027   
Nov 8, 2016
Writing Feedback / There are some reasons why the happiness is hard to be explained [4]

Happiness is considered very important in life.
Why is it difficult to define?
What factors are important in achieving happiness?


Happiness is one of the essential factors in life. Some people want to just happy in their entire life. However, there is an opinion that it is quite difficult to define the happiness. There are some reasons why the happiness is hard to be explained. Some factors will influence the way to grab the living satisfaction.

It is so difficult to be explained because there is no standard level of happiness. Some people might think that leisure, for instance, is the key to happiness while others say that wealthy level is more important. This is because every people are different in the way that they define the satisfaction. Also, feeling is one of the keys that will lead someone to the happiness. If you do not have the great feeling on the thing that you say that it would make you happy, you will not get the happiness. For example, you love watching TV and you believe that this will give you an enjoyment. But if you have a un-mood feeling, you will not find the happiness on watching TV.

Even though it is difficult to give a definition of happiness, some factors are important in order to achieve happiness. The most important are your environment. You will get an enjoyment if you stay at the place where you have a positive surrounding. People you want to share your happiness is important as well. Psychologically, it will make you happier than before.

All in all, for the points that I mentioned before, it is clear that happiness is hard to be explained. However, other factors can also accelerate the way to get the happiness such as our surrounding and the object that we can share our happiness with others.

(289 Words)

Any corrections and suggestions will be appreciated.
IvanMS027   
Nov 8, 2016
Writing Feedback / The wares on which consumer spends in five countries, located in Europe in 2002. [3]

The table above gives information on consumer spending on different items in five different countries in 2002.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.


The table informs the goods on which consumer spend in five countries which located in Europe in 2002. Overall, the most obvious fact is the most of food, drink, and tobacco were sold in Turkey, meanwhile most of clothing and footwear were sold in Italy. However, leisure and education were the smallest items were sold.

For food, drink, and tobacco, most of those were sold in Turkey and Ireland with 32.14 percent and 28.91 percent respectively. The percentage of the goods sold in Spain and Italy was 18.80 percent and 16.36 percent meanwhile Sweden was the least consumer of the goods with 15.77 percent.

Clothing and footwear were the loads that had a significant decreasing gap with the previous mentioned goods, having no more than nine percent. The percentage of the freight bought by Ireland, Spain and Turkey was just above 6 percent meanwhile Sweden was 5.4 percent. The other items were leisure and education. Turkey spent 4.23 percent while Italy and Sweden had the same number approximately at 3 percent. Spain spent the least number on it with only spending 1.98 percent.

(183 Words)

Any corrections and suggestions will be appreciated.




IvanMS027   
Nov 8, 2016
Writing Feedback / Happiness is an abstract thing that cannot be measured. [6]

Hi. Here are my suggestions for you.

... happiness is the fuels of life.
... when they are happy, joy, or delightful. In fact, society feels they are in ...
At present, people arguebelieve that happiness is wealth.

All of their happiness, theyare linked to material. It is the reason why people sometimes think itthis is so hard...

that we have is the most easyeasiest way to get happiness ...

The research holds for 75 years andthen resultedresulting a surprising fact.
... of people happiness,(.)the first is havehaving an intimate relationship.
... family or social community prevents people fromof being lonely. Since close relationship effectaffect to people health both ...
The second is increasingthe quality of relationship quality .

Due to humans are a social being, we need (...) if we ask to our close friends ...
The last is havehaving a stable family relationshipwedding and supporting each other.

Goodluck and Keep Spirited
IvanMS027   
Nov 8, 2016
Writing Feedback / Leisure and education became the least expenditure that people spent on in 2002. [3]

Hi. Here are my suggestions for you.

..., Italy, Sweden, and Turkey (you forgot to mention Spain) in the year 2002. As isit presented in the table, most of the people in those countries ...

... for their leisure or study necessary .

... diet spent almost a third(,) nearly five times ...
On the other hand, the people of Spain and (...) income in dress aboutalmost three times less incompared to the diet.

Only 4.35 percent of Turkey people'sTurkish's income spent on ...
The result was nearly as same forasothers countries ,

I hope it can be useful for you.
Goodluck and Keep Spirited
IvanMS027   
Nov 7, 2016
Writing Feedback / Having look great without cosmetic surgery [2]

Hi and welcome to essayforum :)
Here are my suggestions for you.

... in this case(,)iI want to summarize ...
... beauty and having look greatgood looking is getting enough sleep that its called as beauty sleep!
... sleep at least 8 hours just at night to ...

this exercises will make your muscles firmfirm muscle and some tight ...
... you felt well whenever you did this exercises. ...
... can dedicate health to themselves by choosing the low (...), spinage, blueberries. also(,) you must choosingchoose the foods that riches in protein that it could be findfound on nuts, beans, fishes. exactly we'll exactly find many ways (...) some investigations on the internet but somebody thinks that its unhandy and unaccessibleinaccessible .

Suggestions:
please make a summary with a good paragraphing. you can give your idea in your body paragraph. Also, make an attention to your grammatical structure, especially in small parts such as comma after introductory words, and "I" should be written in capital letter.

Goodluck.
IvanMS027   
Nov 7, 2016
Writing Feedback / Some countries such as the United States and the United Kingdom have the special "gap" policy [4]

In some countries, young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies.
Discuss the advantages and disadvantages for young people who decide to do this.


Some countries such as the United States and the United Kingdom have the policy that the youth should go to work or take a leisure time for a year between finishing the high school degree and starting university studies. I strongly believe that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages.

There are a lot of advantages for people doing the work in this period. The most important one is having more experience. This is important for the future student because the experience will lead the student to get the skill more than the others so that they can reach the grade better. Also, it is popularly believed that the experienced student will ready to study in the competitive surroundings. They are used to do the routines under pressure and it can be helpful for the student because living as the college student need good management skills. Furthermore, this experience will form the mentality of the hard worker to do some task that will be given when they are studying at the college.

However, some of the disadvantages should be paid more attention. Many of them are spending of the time to go to the leisure than learning new experience. Research conducted by Mrs Asuna from Tokyo University reveals that after spending most of the time in the school, the children tend to spend the time to focus on leisure. This will lead to consuming much money as well. Some complaints have been reported so far by the parents that they cannot afford the expenses because of this policy. The family also worries about their child when they are away too far. It could be dangerous for the children because it can make the children out of parent controls.

All in all, I believe that the policy about this should be revised in the future. From the points that I have mentioned before, the disadvantages are more dangerous than the advantages. The government should make the policy or instrument to control the children when they work or leisure so that the children cannot just spend their time without obtaining the experience that can be useful in the next stage of education.

(358 Words)
IvanMS027   
Nov 7, 2016
Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1 - The graph above shows the quantities of goods transported in the UK between 1974 [5]

Hi mr. Mardian. Here are my suggestions for you

... stuff in million tonnes that has been delivered by four methods ...

use the present perfect tense when the data is available until the present time (assumption 2016).

... but pipeline was steady (at ?).
... while road had a fluctuation (try to write down the data for the road) .

Overall, you present the data in a well-developed and simple form.
again, don't forget to upload the graph before starting new thread.

Goodluck and Keep Spirited.
IvanMS027   
Nov 7, 2016
Writing Feedback / The use of road transport in delivering some goods in Britain is constantly growing [4]

The graph below shows the quantities of goods transported in the UK between 1974 and 2002 by four different modes of transport.

The line chart shows the quantities that are transported with four different methods such as pipeline, rail, water, and road (unit in million tonnes) between 1974 and 2002 in the United Kingdom. Overall, it can be seen that the majority of the goods were transported by road while the pipeline was the least accommodation that was used to transfer the goods.

In 1974, the goods were transported by road started at 70. Between 1974 and 1990, there was a fluctuated increase and stayed at 80 in 1990. There was a slight decrease by 5 in 1995. 4-year later, the good transported increased significantly to 90 and reached a peak in 2002. For the water and rail transportation, at the beginning of the period, the rail got more goods in 40 than water that just only 3 million gaps. However, in 1998, water started to get more than the rail got. The water reached a plateau between 1986 and 1992 at 60. There was a slight decrease to 50 in 1998. Then it reached a peak in the last 2002. For the goods that were transported by rail, there was a fluctuated decrease to 30 from 1978 to 1995. Then, it increased significantly just above 40 in 2002. However. Pipeline was the unpopular one that got below 30 from 1974 to 2002.

(221 Words)





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