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Writing college admission, application, and scholarship essays (page 388)

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Sarcastic Common Application Essay

7 - Hi, Ok, I understand your style and your intention. It would be better if you can improve the...

Undergraduatebob92 - Oct 18, 2009 / qyuiosilent - Oct 18, 2009
"A Major set back" - undergraduate essay....

10 - You should try tying this event to something that happened to you in high school. You also need to...

Undergraduaterrayyan6 - Oct 18, 2009 / gongan - Oct 25, 2009
Water! Water! Good or evil?; Essay on water

2 - "Sometimes, I just couldn't help but wondering" I would change the couldn't to cannot and the wondering to wonder....

UndergraduateKhadijah - Oct 18, 2009 / emjay1264jr - Oct 18, 2009
"the Renewal Foundation" - MIT Creativity Essay

2 - Nice! It's inspiring. I think it answers the question well too....

Undergraduateanniebiotic - Oct 18, 2009 / MakeAnImpact97 - Oct 18, 2009
uc essay #1 describing world i came from

3 - Here's what I think you should change in your last paragraph. My introvert personality shaped my world of...

Undergraduateshy1 - Oct 18, 2009 / herb107 - Oct 20, 2009
Fortification - Rice Supplement Essay

6 - Yes. Sometimes, when we are writing, we have a word in mind, but we want a better one. So...

Undergraduatesv6554 - Oct 18, 2009 / EF_Stephen - Oct 19, 2009
"leaving the gym after a solid workout" - common app short answer critique

4 - I think that your updated version more closely resembles your second essay (just on observation). You have struck a...

Undergraduateeric412 - Oct 18, 2009 / supadupaman7 - Oct 18, 2009
MIT the world you come from essay

4 - Because he's returned to China every summer, I think it's very much a significant part of his world....

Undergraduateanniebiotic - Oct 18, 2009 / umarker - Oct 24, 2009
MIT Short Answer #3 - Time you used your Creativity

6 - Thank you everybody! I appreciate your feedback....

UndergraduatePikafu - Oct 18, 2009 / Pikafu - Oct 21, 2009
'learning about different cultures' - UMich Short Answer-Diversity

4 - Changed one last time! haha "Here we are at the Favelas. Please do not take any photographs. That's...

Undergraduatekcmama8 - Oct 18, 2009 / kcmama8 - Oct 26, 2009
Computer Science usage - Help with Carnegie essay prompt

3 - I get rid of about 5 times i used Computer Science in the essay. But I still use it...

Undergraduateprompter - Oct 18, 2009 / prompter - Oct 19, 2009
Stanford short answer. My favorite books, Spending my summers riding and JFK

6 - Wait, I thought it was recommended we limit all of these to two lines...so no elaboration??...

UndergraduateCollegehopefull - Oct 18, 2009 / tsunami - Oct 19, 2009
I brought Kiara into my family: UF ESSAY

3 - The beginning of your essay is not strong enough (just as Imy125 had said). I think if you developed...

UndergraduateJpaz330 - Oct 18, 2009 / ellab1363 - Oct 19, 2009
Essay :Choose one of your community, employment, or extracurricular, experiences

3 - Thank you for your input Kevin. DB...

Undergraduatebulgakov - Oct 18, 2009 / bulgakov - Oct 19, 2009
"family troubles" - HELP WITH UC PROMPT 2 ESSAY!

3 - Thank you! I like your idea....GENIUS :] I'm going to kncok it out right now... and yes everything...

Undergraduateaudpeluso - Oct 18, 2009 / audpeluso - Oct 18, 2009
Goats- changes to the community

6 - the reason why i put the armhair in in was to entertain the administrative offices in order to like...

Undergraduatespicawind - Oct 18, 2009 / spicawind - Oct 27, 2009
'Papua New Guinean-born Filipino-Nigerian' - U of M Short Answer - Diversity

10 - xlcyx you have to click on new thread then copy and paste your document into the text box then...

Undergraduateemjay1264jr - Oct 18, 2009 / emjay1264jr - Oct 19, 2009
"we are both geniuses" - U of M Essay (3rd option)

5 - I think your writing carefully and you have your own understandin about biology. Which is good~~ I chose to...

Undergraduateemjay1264jr - Oct 18, 2009 / miffy2002 - Oct 19, 2009
"intellectual vitality" - Stanford Admission Essays.

3 - While your knowledge and comprehension of Milton's work do show your advanced grasp of literature, I think you come...

UndergraduateCollegehopefull - Oct 18, 2009 / Kimmay159 - Oct 18, 2009
U OF M - "diversity makes us a better university"

2 - I was in ninth grade [no comma] when I walked out of Chelsea High School haughtily [comma] I...

Undergraduatelalala123 - Oct 18, 2009 / spicawind - Oct 18, 2009
Carleton college short answer: teacher who most influenced you.

2 - Before getting into the grammar, which needs a lot of work, let's look at the content. Tou speak about...

Undergraduatelinhexi - Oct 18, 2009 / EF_Sean - Oct 19, 2009
'Live music' - Common app short answer - piano

7 - Thank you guys! (: With that said, I am now moving on to my main essays. wahh. stay tuned...

Undergraduatesammiepuddle - Oct 18, 2009 / sammiepuddle - Oct 19, 2009
Commonapp SHORT ANSWER (orchestra performances)

5 - Thanks, Stephen. Your advice saved me!!!...

Undergraduateayida365 - Oct 18, 2009 / ayida365 - Oct 29, 2009
" volunteered in a kindergarten" - Common Application short essay

10 - EF_Stephen You're right! Reading it out loud sounds awkward! Sometimes just feel not fluent enough.I am gonna to...

Undergraduatecatherineding - Oct 18, 2009 / catherineding - Oct 19, 2009
Michigan Setback Essay - Irritable Bowel Syndrome

5 - The vocabulary issue was identified. That was what I noticed first. Always use words you normally use while you're...

Undergraduateqyuiosilent - Oct 18, 2009 / EF_Stephen - Oct 20, 2009
Transfer Admissions Essay my 'NEW' essay to NYU - "My Valuable Education"

7 - First two sentences sound choppy. I would combine them with an "and", but that's stylistic choice so it's your...

Undergraduatehellokitty930 - Oct 18, 2009 / gongan - Oct 25, 2009
Stanford Roommate Essay ("I am a paradox.")

6 - I'm reading it over and over again. Really a nice work !...

Undergraduateomarbot - Oct 18, 2009 / yoondary - Oct 21, 2009
"experienced a lot of new things" - Common Application.

2 - Admissions essays should say something good about you. This doesn't, really, except that you like to procrastinate, and know...

UndergraduateGHS2UChicago - Oct 18, 2009 / EF_Sean - Oct 19, 2009
"underestimating" - Common Application short answer. 150 words or less....

12 - EF_Stephen lol, THANK YOU! that word would most likely to be used in any of my essays, since it's...

UndergraduateGHS2UChicago - Oct 18, 2009 / GHS2UChicago - Oct 18, 2009
CommonApp Essay DRAFT (UPenn, Columbia, NYU, Boston U, Northwestern)

3 - The paragraph in italics seems, to me, a little awkward in present tense, like at this very...

Undergraduatemarcabundo - Oct 18, 2009 / nike t - Oct 18, 2009
'Interested in economics' - Why Columbia

4 - Hey, Your revised is definitely better than the first. I like how you talked about the core curriculum...

UndergraduateMsSsSs - Oct 18, 2009 / sherbert - Oct 25, 2009
common application main essay: "Were you in this junior high school?"

NEW - Learning to be a Leader in School and Life "Were you in this junior high school?" This...

Undergraduateathenahms - Oct 17, 2009 / — -
Common App Topic: Music

2 - I didn't read it, but if you only spent 10 minutes on it, I'm not going to read it....

Undergraduatelkemf09 - Oct 17, 2009 / GHS2UChicago - Oct 18, 2009
Common App 150 word short answer, My Favorite Sport

6 - Try to show your passion. Not the sport itself. The reader knows how the game works. But dont worry....

Undergraduatenike t - Oct 17, 2009 / youngjoony - Oct 19, 2009
UW MADISON- how will your presence enrich our community?

3 - thanks so much sean... i appreciate the help. I will definitely look into those changes....

Undergraduatemabdul - Oct 17, 2009 / mabdul - Oct 20, 2009
Love of Programming and UCs

4 - well..just like Kerfuffin said, i think u should focus on "what i have done for this major" instead of...

UndergraduateKerfuffin - Oct 17, 2009 / simonma668 - Nov 5, 2009
"to become the best dentist possible" - U OF M SHORT ANSWER

7 - yea it did thanks soo much!...

Undergraduaterrayyan6 - Oct 17, 2009 / rrayyan6 - Oct 24, 2009
University of Florida Essay: meaningful event (TV Production)

3 - Thank you Currently i am rewriting some of the parts and no it was not finish...

Undergraduatewwejohncena - Oct 17, 2009 / wwejohncena - Oct 19, 2009
Common App Essay - Topic of Choice - "Gateway to knowledge, highway to hell"

5 - Anyone else? I'm applying Early Decision so I really need some feedback on this!...

Undergraduatesupermodella - Oct 17, 2009 / supermodella - Oct 19, 2009
Common APP Short answer - Guitar; Don't forget about that B flat or the C sharp

2 - You can't quite slightly ignore something, maybe began would be better; to show how you transitioned to a...

Undergraduatevickaay - Oct 17, 2009 / daniamxg - Oct 17, 2009
"How reoccurring nightmares helped me choose Psychology as a major"- UF Prompt

2 - Not bad. The television metaphor you use in your introduction doesn't really work, though. For one thing, ...

Undergraduatemusicloverabby - Oct 17, 2009 / EF_Sean - Oct 19, 2009
University of Florida: Undergraduate essay on life experience

13 - Okay, I'm hesitant, but I think I'm almost done. Thanks guys, and thanks in advance for any insight on...

Undergraduatedaniamxg - Oct 17, 2009 / daniamxg - Oct 20, 2009
"angel who cures" - University of Michigan LSA Short Answer

4 - Hi, the expression of delight that followed the curing of a devastating influenza after a visit to a...

Undergraduatejsnam1 - Oct 17, 2009 / qyuiosilent - Oct 18, 2009
SUNDAY MORNINGS routine - common app essay topic of choice, comment!

3 - Your word choice is excellent, and your sentence flow is great too. I have a pretty good image of...

Undergraduatesongbird91 - Oct 17, 2009 / vickaay - Oct 17, 2009
'Using the dollar' - Most Significant Challenge Essay

4 - thanks for corrections! i cant believe i overlooked at that......

Undergraduateanniebiotic - Oct 17, 2009 / anniebiotic - Oct 18, 2009
'Not afraid of challenges' - Duke engineering why essay

3 - "For me, there are both individual and social purposes of education: one is to gain knowledge to enrich myself,...

Undergraduateikiz - Oct 17, 2009 / youngjoony - Oct 19, 2009
'drawing lessons' - Common App - Short Answer

7 - Some errors you might wanna fix: drawing lessons was just another activity - lessons ARE There, uniforms were...

Undergraduatetitenhi - Oct 17, 2009 / linmark - Oct 27, 2009
'High Heels award' - Personal essay for UCLA(Transfer to film major)

5 - I think I'd skip the orchestra part, too. it really isn't necessary. this is a good essay. I...

Undergraduatelxhtin - Oct 17, 2009 / EF_Stephen - Oct 19, 2009
common app-- Describing my life as tough

3 - Not meaning to be offensive, but I think you should write on something else for your common application essay....

Undergraduatextlraptor - Oct 17, 2009 / Lawliet - Oct 17, 2009
Personal Essay Transfer Admissions Essay. Allegheny College

3 - Thank you so much for the advice. =)...

Undergraduatehellokitty930 - Oct 17, 2009 / hellokitty930 - Oct 17, 2009
'Music based on Math' - Stanford essay: intellectually engaging experience

4 - Thanks a lot for the responses guys....I'm gonna structure it a bit more and come back with a new,...

Undergraduatelonestranger - Oct 17, 2009 / lonestranger - Oct 19, 2009
'learning my whole life' - Cornell CAS essay

2 - Exposed to Cornell at a young age, the campus seemed like a place anything could happen. "You" were...

Undergraduatecvh2010 - Oct 17, 2009 / Haru0422KR - Oct 18, 2009
"Idiot." - Too naive or too dense? Ivy league Common App main essay

5 - Thank you so much. It really means a lot >< The "i" is a verb, because to live you...

Undergraduatespicawind - Oct 16, 2009 / spicawind - Oct 21, 2009
Hypomelanosis does not sound compicated to me!; UofM Diversity Essay

14 - Hey Notoman Is there a way to contact you by email. I wanted to get in touch with you....

Undergraduateworldbound10 - Oct 16, 2009 / Maira - Oct 25, 2009
U.c. Application Prompt Advice (intented major)

2 - Okay, so you have the prompts. Now, write something that addresses them. I have no idea what personal qualities,...

Undergraduateasim6989 - Oct 16, 2009 / EF_Sean - Oct 17, 2009
Dancing / Concentration / Slow down - Help-Brown supplements

NEW - Hey, guys! These are my supplements of Brown. Welcome any comments! Grammar is important! THX! 1.Please tell us...

Undergraduatecatherineding - Oct 16, 2009 / — -
Can't imagine entering a profession not aimed at helping others; UM School of Nursing

8 - I also think that there are good ideas here. The best approach, I think, is to take the tow...

Undergraduateworldbound10 - Oct 16, 2009 / EF_Stephen - Oct 22, 2009
FSU ESSAY-- VIRUS, ARTES, MORES "BUILD HOMES FOR KATRINA VICTIM" (CRITIQUE)

3 - Thank you for the advice on this essay! I was planning on submitting it that night, but I'm glad...

Undergraduatecbaker0717 - Oct 16, 2009 / cbaker0717 - Oct 27, 2009
Joseph Heller's novel Catch-22 - U of M favorite book

4 - This is good! I read books but mostly mystery and I don't know how to tie that in with...

Undergraduatepapasmurf - Oct 16, 2009 / emjay1264jr - Oct 17, 2009
True Spirit of Maples~ any advice is welcomed,thanks

10 - Ok, I will follow your advice ^^ thanks a loooooooot...

Undergraduatemaniano - Oct 16, 2009 / maniano - Oct 17, 2009

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