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|(A cheating incident I was involved in) is essay topic is OK?
9 - ^People's decisions are influenced by other activities, surrounding them, that occurred in the past, or can possibly happen...
UndergraduatePhoenix1300 - Aug 25, 2009 / Liebe - Aug 26, 2009
|"horrible accident" - UC Undergraduate Admission TRANSFER PROMPT 2
13 - The tone is *much* better! You need to watch your verb tense. You are jumping around from present...
Undergraduatevuko323 - Aug 22, 2009 / Notoman - Aug 26, 2009
|"You must be the change you wish to see in the world"; Community Problem Solving
UndergraduateCjacobs17 - Aug 21, 2009 / EF_Sean - Aug 25, 2009
|"I eat fish" common app + uc app essay
8 - Your writing is very descriptive and really paints a vivid picture. The reader will feel a part of the...
Undergraduatemnkmnkz16 - Aug 24, 2009 / MieMie09 - Aug 25, 2009
|"When there's a will, there a way." - Common App Essay
Undergraduatedisplayname - Aug 23, 2009 / EF_Simone - Aug 24, 2009
|Art university communication and design department - how should i end my sop?
5 - I'm disturbed that your essay begins with two paragraphs about problems or failures. Start, instead, with some stories or...
Undergraduateaslen - Aug 24, 2009 / EF_Simone - Aug 24, 2009
|Help with making my common Apps essay concise and error-proof.
6 - This essay flows really well, and the structure and use of a large vocabulary is great. Like Sean said,...
Undergraduateyoungeebs - Jan 14, 2009 / Gabrielle - Aug 24, 2009
|many different environments and people - FSU ADMISSION ESSAY-ARTES
UndergraduateMooKYTheStar - Aug 23, 2009 / MooKYTheStar - Aug 24, 2009
|Why do you want to attend Pratt? (personal statement)
7 - "but never imagining how much I would one day aspire to create those images and tell those stories." ...
Undergraduateautumnclouds67 - Aug 11, 2009 / EF_Sean - Aug 24, 2009
|Supplement essay.(Language and communication)
7 - For me, all the learning of language was just took up for the sake of living environment of school...
Undergraduatelinhexi - Aug 21, 2009 / eternal flame - Aug 24, 2009
|'a study abroad trip to Italy' - Bowdoin Supplement
UndergraduateGabrielle - Aug 23, 2009 / youngeebs - Aug 24, 2009
|Interaction with one another, University of Miami essay
Undergraduatezoclorobert - Aug 23, 2009 / EF_Simone - Aug 23, 2009
|Penn State Personal Statement - 'activities or experience'
5 - wow. Whatever I was about to comment on, Simone already did it and pretty much said what I was...
UndergraduateGabrielle - Aug 23, 2009 / Liebe - Aug 23, 2009
|SOCCER PLAYER; U Connecticut - Person (profound effect)
5 - This is pretty much the sort of essay you want. Your writing style is solid, and the content says...
UndergraduateGabrielle - Aug 15, 2009 / EF_Sean - Aug 23, 2009
|A difficult accomplishment that you are proud of
6 - Try rewriting the essay, only taking a more narrative approach. The best way to describe a story is by...
Undergraduatetobesky - Aug 13, 2009 / EF_Sean - Aug 23, 2009
|highly zealous, energetic and motivated - UT Austin - Statement of Purpose
7 - It would be nice if I could incorporate my passion to serve the country by contributing to the development...
Undergraduatesparklingway - Aug 19, 2009 / sparklingway - Aug 23, 2009
|Who I Want To Be> Undergraduate Admissions, Personal Statement
7 - It really is a good essay overall, especially the tone of the essay. But "Instead of reasoning with...
Undergraduateschubzcrazee - Aug 21, 2009 / sparklingway - Aug 23, 2009
|"The human organism and its chemical processes" - Transfer Applicants, PROMPT #1
Undergraduatevuko323 - Aug 19, 2009 / EF_Simone - Aug 22, 2009
|Interests and aspirations in engineering (UMich essay prompt #2)
Undergraduatefat_b - Aug 16, 2009 / EF_Simone - Aug 22, 2009
|Intended major : Public Health <Applying to Berkeley & UCI>
6 - Your first paragraph, while well written, doesn't seem to have anything to do with the rest of your essay,...
UndergraduateCalLover - Aug 17, 2009 / EF_Sean - Aug 22, 2009
|Harvard (optional) essay- about Iran and travel.
8 - Yep, your new conclusion reads very well, and will work as a solid replacement for the sentence you had...
Undergraduateusername621 - Aug 19, 2009 / EF_Sean - Aug 22, 2009
|Common Application. Help me choose a topic between these two!
10 - displayname, I have no clue what you're trying to say. Are you asking a question? Or are you saying...
UndergraduateJosh316 - Aug 21, 2009 / Josh316 - Aug 22, 2009
|"A mother of thirty-seven" - UC APPLICATION
Undergraduatekirbs90 - Aug 21, 2009 / kirbs90 - Aug 22, 2009
|Volunteerism is like this: Rewarding Experience
Undergraduatesad_an6el - Aug 17, 2009 / Llamapoop123 - Aug 22, 2009
|The Art Institute of Dallas admission essay
Undergraduateiluv_noodles - Aug 17, 2009 / EF_Simone - Aug 22, 2009
|commonapp #2: political science, discuss issue and importance
4 - Yes, in general, an admissions essay should be relatively formal. Yours is informal only in its introduction. I...
Undergraduateellenahh - Aug 22, 2009 / EF_Simone - Aug 22, 2009
|Which topic for college essay would be more likely to succeed?
UndergraduateIndigga - Aug 21, 2009 / tal105 - Aug 21, 2009
|"The negative impacts of capitalism on the world" - issue of importance
9 - I look forward to reading your next draft. If you want statistics about various countries, such as life expectancy,...
Undergraduatesweets13087 - Aug 19, 2009 / EF_Sean - Aug 21, 2009
|Solace in Suburbia - help with Common App Essay
Undergraduatek8tie - Aug 21, 2009 / EF_Sean - Aug 21, 2009
|"A well informed family" - MSU personal statement
9 - I think this is a fantastic essay! I also think the revisions are approipriate and good luck to you...
Undergraduatejyxff - Aug 17, 2009 / schubzcrazee - Aug 21, 2009
|"Yourself, goals, achievements etc.." my essay for FIT.
4 - Thank you so much Simone for your encouragement. It actually helped I hope it showed. This is my rough...
Undergraduateck1030ny - Aug 20, 2009 / ck1030ny - Aug 21, 2009
|More flexible engineering curriculum! ; TRANSFER Objectives & Reasons
6 - Yes, but there's a reason the pathetic literary device has been used by so many writers since ancient...
Undergraduatewuxia - Aug 19, 2009 / EF_Simone - Aug 20, 2009
|'The state of confusion' - UF essay...my surgery.
6 - Hmm, but Simon then how would it relate to the essay topic? Is deciding to be a doctor through...
Undergraduatejshirley - Aug 19, 2009 / Mayada - Aug 20, 2009
|"BODY SLAM"; Wrestling - Common App Short Essay
9 - Thanks for the feedback Simone and asyn. I incorporated what both of you said: When the local youth...
UndergraduateAphamos - Aug 18, 2009 / Aphamos - Aug 20, 2009
|"I say China, I say America" - UC Transfer Essay
Undergraduateyoulovewendy - Aug 17, 2009 / youlovewendy - Aug 20, 2009
|Hard work was preferable to the expense of neglected morals and sore back - Ethical dilemma QB essay
9 - Also, how do you indent the first line of a paragraph in the text editor? The tab key doesn't...
Undergraduateasyn - Aug 18, 2009 / asyn - Aug 20, 2009
|Reading has always been a favorite pastime of mine. - Common App
Undergraduateraven - Aug 18, 2009 / EF_Simone - Aug 20, 2009
|"Soccer is my inspiration" - Common Application 150 word essay
5 - Ideally, you will do both: Show off your writing skills and tell or, even better, demonstrate something about...
UndergraduateRay274 - Aug 18, 2009 / EF_Simone - Aug 19, 2009
|BLUE-COLLAR LIFE & CYCLING ; UT Austin transfer - SOP
2 - The essay is solid, because it has the advantage of sounding sincere. You are speaking candidly and well about...
UndergraduateDJKessler - Aug 19, 2009 / EF_Sean - Aug 19, 2009
|Personal Essay, "Life Defining moment"
8 - Your revised draft is stronger, though you begin relying heavily on forms of "to be" a bit too much...
Undergraduatebboysmiles - Aug 15, 2009 / EF_Sean - Aug 19, 2009
|"Something you do for the pleasure of it" - Short Answer
5 - No. If all of your sentences were that length, the essay would run into problems, but an occasional long...
UndergraduateJJH - Aug 19, 2009 / EF_Sean - Aug 19, 2009
|Caltech Essay Prompt - Interest in math, science, or engineering
UndergraduateMayada - Aug 16, 2009 / Llamapoop123 - Aug 19, 2009
|'Materials Science and Engineering' - MIT Short Answer: Which Department?
10 - Thanks for the responses guys. As I take it, I should delete/shorten the first examples. Then I should...
UndergraduatePikafu - Aug 18, 2009 / Pikafu - Aug 19, 2009
|Which is the better way to write? Prompt 1-UC Essay
3 - they always say general to specific. which one is more general to u? community or family? seems as if...
Undergraduatetran1200 - Aug 19, 2009 / tal105 - Aug 19, 2009
|Peace Corps Essay Question (discovering new things, overcoming challenges, conquests)
6 - Unless they are brain-dead, everybody enjoys new experiences. Almost everybody sets goals and enjoys achieving them. You need to...
Undergraduateshell5811 - Aug 19, 2009 / EF_Simone - Aug 19, 2009
|UT topic B (freshman) - Costa Rica, issue of importance.
5 - This is a sentence fragment. And, indeed, your conclusion is incomplete. Your two stories are very strong. Now,...
Undergraduateemilyemily0 - Aug 17, 2009 / EF_Simone - Aug 19, 2009
|Compare yourself now to when you were younger..
UndergraduateMayada - Aug 17, 2009 / Liebe - Aug 19, 2009
|animals, artwork, sciences - present yourself to the Committee on Admissions
Undergraduatesad_an6el - Aug 18, 2009 / EF_Simone - Aug 18, 2009
|"the break-dance performance" - UT essay form B
Undergraduatecoak007 - Aug 11, 2009 / SxmBeauty - Aug 18, 2009
|Prepare to serve - a medical practice in an underserved area
5 - I think this is great stuff. You sound sincere, and the experiences you've had are all really relevant to...
Undergraduatesad_an6el - Aug 17, 2009 / kritipg - Aug 18, 2009
|My passion for kids - COMMON APP HOOK (+ESSAY)
UndergraduateKW3EN - Aug 16, 2009 / EF_Simone - Aug 18, 2009
|creating music - Common App 150 word essay
Undergraduater0fflew0ffles - Aug 17, 2009 / EF_Simone - Aug 18, 2009
|Describe a setback. How you resolved it. How it effected you.
UndergraduateLlamapoop123 - Aug 6, 2009 / bboysmiles - Aug 18, 2009
|Purdue personal statement - interest in science
15 - i agree with all the comments here, making it more specific and haveing a more solid ending would really...
UndergraduateKaleb92 - Aug 13, 2009 / bboysmiles - Aug 17, 2009
|I can't really think of any ideas on how to end this - FSU Addmissions essay.
UndergraduateCayce726 - Aug 16, 2009 / sad_an6el - Aug 17, 2009
|Stranded in an airport COMMON APP ESSAY
11 - Ahh that sucks. I want to make this the best possible essay and it sucks because I started completely...
UndergraduateDamon1570 - Aug 16, 2009 / Damon1570 - Aug 17, 2009
|FSU essay; strength within
4 - Personally, I feel that it would be better if you specify which word (in this case Vires) you are...
Undergraduateeclipse00 - Aug 16, 2009 / fat_b - Aug 17, 2009
|Fireflies - "Significant experience" essay
Undergraduaterosetta114 - Aug 15, 2009 / EF_Simone - Aug 17, 2009
|During my life I learnt a wealthy amount of things, things that have come to define me.
6 - Try condensing the rest of your essay a bit too, making everything more concise and using stronger verbs wherever...
Undergraduatevaizardx - Aug 16, 2009 / EF_Sean - Aug 16, 2009
|Hospice Volunteering - Common App Essay
6 - Do you have any more specific suggestions on how to do that? Another draft of mine had more detail...
Undergraduate2010nbailey - Aug 13, 2009 / 2010nbailey - Aug 16, 2009
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