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Writing college admission, application, and scholarship essays (page 397)

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"Vires, Artes, Mores" - FSU ESSAY- FASHION PASSION

7 - Thanks for the constructive critiscm but i want my essay to be different than everyone elses. thanks though!...

Undergraduatesimkayla - Sep 26, 2009 / simkayla - Sep 29, 2009

College Essay "Volunteering at Youthville"....Common App and USC.

3 - Wow, thank you. I will cut some of it out; I feel like certain parts of this are redundant....

Undergraduatezinniak - Sep 26, 2009 / zinniak - Sep 29, 2009

"family members around me" - FSU essay Vires Artes Mores

3 - I just think that you can touch on all your points without going into the details you did and...

Undergraduatesuzieeet - Sep 28, 2009 / ryanthelion - Sep 29, 2009

'Finally!' - Common Application Essay (significant experience)

6 - definitely needs to be more meaningful. and the beginning needs to have more spark!...

UndergraduateBoNyKiD07 - Sep 18, 2009 / songbird91 - Sep 29, 2009

'Proving to my parents / excitement to the campus' - NCSSM Essays

5 - Yeereina I think everyone can edit the essay of themselve. So try to private it. Or ask the...

UndergraduateYeereina - Jan 1, 2008 / LilyTran - Sep 29, 2009

"to paint a self-portrait of myself" - Main College Application Essay

2 - Wow this is a really good essay. It is very vivid and well organized. Good job. Also it was...

Undergraduatenpirwa4 - Sep 28, 2009 / reader2011 - Sep 29, 2009

Legos (Admission Topic for Carnegie Mellon University)

2 - This is a great theme around which to organize an engineering-related essay. (They are often dull.) You need to...

Undergraduate732yankeefan011 - Sep 27, 2009 / EF_Simone - Sep 29, 2009

"I love airports." - common app essay

10 - I agree and disagree with the above comments. It definitely needs to be trimmed, and you veer into a...

Undergraduatesneha17 - Sep 6, 2009 / veraxcity - Sep 29, 2009

"I'm my dad's wife" - Common App Main Essay

4 - Notoman: I have one quick question. You said that my introduction doesn't reflect my personality enough, but I'm not...

Undergraduatecherubsoost - Sep 28, 2009 / cherubsoost - Sep 29, 2009

Cornell Academic interest essay/ Transfer to CAS/ Culture Night < tentative titl

11 - Thank you!! Exactly what I needed :)...

Undergraduatejemma2011 - Sep 22, 2009 / jemma2011 - Sep 28, 2009

'Spanish for Native Speakers class' - Umich admission essay cultural difference

4 - okay thanks...

Undergraduate10romo - Sep 27, 2009 / 10romo - Sep 28, 2009

'some kind of medical career' - Umich admission essay LSA: career

5 - Can you give me tips on how to change my sentence structure?...

Undergraduate10romo - Sep 27, 2009 / 10romo - Sep 28, 2009

'outgrown my hometown' - UChicago Lichtenberg Essay

2 - Closing could be a bit better. I think you're fine on sticking to the topic. A bit long...

UndergraduateSesmo - Sep 28, 2009 / Moog - Sep 28, 2009

'Mount Everest' - COMMON APP - Main Essay. Using for Harvard.

NEW - Please give some feedback! -------- There I sat, starting the the beige walls lined with motivational posters. Success....

UndergraduateMoog - Sep 28, 2009 / — -

"Being normal is overrated" - FSU essay. I need help on this...

2 - ^Errr...I would like to think that I also have creativity. ^Unless you were in my kindergarden...

Undergraduatecheetosboy5 - Sep 28, 2009 / Llamapoop123 - Sep 28, 2009

MSU personal statement "How has your environment influenced you?"

4 - ^This is way too broad. I don't think that there is one person out there who does not...

Undergraduatepapasmurf - Sep 28, 2009 / Llamapoop123 - Sep 28, 2009

Michigan LSA Essay: academic interest

4 - Have you ever texted while driving, knowing it increases the increased risk of an accident? Apart from...

UndergraduateMsSsSs - Sep 28, 2009 / efesach - Sep 28, 2009

Making perfect shoppings is connected with taking a major decisions; "Why I want to go to UCF" essay

9 - Anyone else?...

Undergraduaterebeccasayshey - Sep 21, 2009 / rebeccasayshey - Sep 28, 2009

Personal statement"After the surgery nightmare "

2 - This is a fine topic, but I'm concerned by the weighting of the essay, with so much devoted to...

Undergraduatelinhexi - Sep 27, 2009 / EF_Simone - Sep 28, 2009

Questbridge Essay/ Intellectual Vitality

4 - You want to build yourself a Klein Bottle, then. Your essay is good overall. I'd tighten up...

Undergraduatesherbert - Sep 26, 2009 / EF_Sean - Sep 28, 2009

Common App essay, rough draft (needs work) tennis

7 - This is what i have now Starting something new with people who are already experienced can be difficult....

Undergraduatecac - Sep 28, 2009 / cac - Sep 28, 2009

"to become a United States Air Force pilot" - U of IL Essay

2 - This sounds a bit off. You wanted to fly overhead like an airplane? As a passenger in an...

Undergraduatehockey512546 - Sep 27, 2009 / EF_Sean - Sep 28, 2009

University of Texas Statement of Purpose - "my career in the halls"

2 - Your essay altogether is well-written, but I would try to add more about how you became interested in film...

Undergraduateandrew4038 - Sep 28, 2009 / vickaay - Sep 28, 2009

"the conductor" - Common app- Activity

6 - Here's a quick edit of the short answer. My cello was sleeping on my lap as I waited...

UndergraduateMsSsSs - Sep 27, 2009 / MsSsSs - Sep 28, 2009

Michigan Diversity Essay - Well drilling in Cambodia

4 - Thanks Simone. Your mention of the two adjectives starting with "e" helped me spot an error - should be...

Undergraduateqyuiosilent - Sep 27, 2009 / qyuiosilent - Sep 28, 2009

"RABBIT SISTER"--MY PERSONAL STATEMENT

10 - okay, thanks~...

Undergraduatemikowoo - Sep 20, 2009 / zealzou - Sep 28, 2009

'many influential figures' - who has made an impact on your life (My Father)

11 - This is your third different essay in the same thread. One essay per thread, two in certain situations if...

Undergraduateeversolast - Sep 27, 2009 / Mustafa1991 - Sep 27, 2009

Biological science - University of Michigan LSA short statement

5 - "...the degree of incompatibility" No, I agree mostly....

Undergraduatecichoochoo - Sep 27, 2009 / Mustafa1991 - Sep 27, 2009

Pole-vaulting - my UF undergrad application essay

5 - I like the humorous references toward the end but worry that the slow build, climaxing with a failure, and...

Undergraduatethebluehippo - Sep 20, 2009 / Mustafa1991 - Sep 27, 2009

An experience or concept I have learned - what are they looking for?

5 - Which raises the question of why you want to be an economist rather than a marine biologist, but you...

UndergraduateKatieH - Sep 27, 2009 / EF_Sean - Sep 27, 2009

"Money is not omnipotent, but no money is incapable" (common app -- concern)

3 - What kind of adolescents have ambivalent money molded? in this sentence, i want to express that money has two...

Undergraduate71thsh1 - Sep 27, 2009 / 71thsh1 - Sep 27, 2009

"sport of cricket" - Michigan Essay Diversity

2 - This is a pretty good essay. The only thing I can think of fixing is in your personal paragraph,...

Undergraduatendog99 - Sep 27, 2009 / yamiri - Sep 27, 2009

A personal statement: reflection about different cultures

6 - I find the problem is that I am not clear myself...but just stating those things. About the boys, about...

Undergraduatezealzou - Sep 26, 2009 / zealzou - Sep 27, 2009

UNC "identify with a villian"

4 - I've revised it a bit and tried to make it more personal. I guess I interpreted the prompt a...

Undergraduatemmmargarita - Sep 26, 2009 / mmmargarita - Sep 27, 2009

UT Austin undergraduate transfer essay. Issue of importance: Safe Passing Bill

10 - I preferred your original version. The introduction was stronger, as it went into more detail about the narrative incident....

UndergraduateDJKessler - Sep 18, 2009 / EF_Sean - Sep 27, 2009

'high-energy, loud, and crazy / ambicious person' - NCSSM Application

7 - So is there anyway to change this? This shows up when it is googled, and I'd really like to...

UndergraduateYeereina - Jan 1, 2008 / Yeereina - Sep 27, 2009

"in search for a better life in the US" - MSU PERSONAL STATEMENT

3 - Thanks for your input! I'll try to expand on how I've excelled in school in my last paragraph....

Undergraduateflipflap88 - Sep 27, 2009 / flipflap88 - Sep 27, 2009

"start losing weight" - FSU ESSAY

2 - Hi Kaitlin, I notice one huge aspect in your essay you could improve- passive writing! Almost every sentence has...

Undergraduatesurfskateskim - Sep 27, 2009 / Aemilia - Sep 27, 2009

Common App Diversity-Moving

2 - This is a beautifully written essay. It is very unique essay on diversity and you definitely showed lessons that...

Undergraduatevickaay - Sep 27, 2009 / ndog99 - Sep 27, 2009

Everything is diverse - Umich Diversity Essay

5 - hey heres a new version of my entire essay tell me what you thinkk... [A] "We know that...

Undergraduatelexi_z - Sep 21, 2009 / lexi_z - Sep 27, 2009

MIT: 'Armageddon has arrived' - What for pleasure? & What to major in?

6 - Changing your verbs from the passive voice tot he active will not only strengthen your essay, but give you...

Undergraduatenerdalert13 - Sep 19, 2009 / Notoman - Sep 27, 2009

My Dog (Need critiques for my common app essay)

3 - ^^ i agree. my dog also just died. very sad. sorry for ur loss...

Undergraduatetinytapper36 - Sep 26, 2009 / surfskateskim - Sep 27, 2009

'The death of my father' - UF Essay - A narrative of a meaningful event in my life

5 - i agree with acat6332. expand a little more in ur last paragraph. but other than that this is well...

Undergraduatekdizzle - Sep 26, 2009 / surfskateskim - Sep 27, 2009

FSu Essay "Vires Artes Mores" and how they reflect your life

7 - Thanks for the advice. I live in Florida too, and I doubt I'm going to FSU... I'm just applying...

Undergraduatepianogirl246 - Sep 19, 2009 / pianogirl246 - Sep 27, 2009

"Remember, life was not created sweet." - UF application essay

4 - After I state that I want to be happy, I'm starting a new paragraph. I'm majoring in pre-dental....

Undergraduatestaycold - Sep 27, 2009 / staycold - Sep 27, 2009

"Why essay" for help.

4 - Your story from childhood is compelling and well told, with exquisite imagery. Just augment it with some more material...

UndergraduateSeriousStudent - Sep 27, 2009 / EF_Simone - Sep 27, 2009

Michigan Engineering Essay (the field of aerospace engineering)

2 - This is fine, though a bit dull. It's OK for engineering essays to be dull, but you still might...

Undergraduatelonelysnakr - Sep 27, 2009 / EF_Simone - Sep 27, 2009

"What do you do for the pleasure of it?" MIT Short Answer

6 - I liked the first one better then the second one. It draws you in, unlike the second response which...

Undergraduatefbs801 - Sep 19, 2009 / vip747 - Sep 27, 2009

Leaving Kabul for Chicago (U of Illinois Champaign Essay)

3 - Ok thank you for your help I will definitely look into those changes....

Undergraduatesuperrambo - Sep 26, 2009 / superrambo - Sep 27, 2009

Big Shoes- Personal Statement

4 - We are applying for the same scholarship haha. "But I could not rely on my parents as mentors...

Undergraduatetkkt1 - Sep 26, 2009 / rubeethursday - Sep 27, 2009

Stereotypes of Middle Eastern People - Michigan Diversity Essay

3 - Your essay is really good. The only constructive criticism I have is that perhaps you want to be a...

Undergraduatefatalist - Sep 26, 2009 / sherbert - Sep 26, 2009

Descriptive Essay -my next move in terms of education

4 - Begin by brainstorming what you would say if somebody -- perhaps a younger member of your family -- said...

Undergraduatekielu84 - Sep 14, 2008 / EF_Simone - Sep 26, 2009

"As we outgrow..." - UChicago essay

4 - jajaja thanks :) the thing is that my sats are nowhere close to the ones they ask for i...

Undergraduaterimafadlallah - Sep 22, 2009 / acat6332 - Sep 26, 2009

Some thoughts on my "Obstacle" essay"

2 - i like it although i agree, the topic is rather cliche but i think that if you expand on...

UndergraduatewannabePA - Sep 26, 2009 / acat6332 - Sep 26, 2009

"Language is the soul of a race" - Umich essay on issue of local concern

NEW - This is my response to UMich's long essay prompt. Any help on content and grammar is greatly appreciated. Not...

Undergraduatefat_b - Sep 26, 2009 / — -

"the hospital room" - Common app short answer critique?

Undergraduatefreshed2def - Sep 24, 2009 / freshed2def - Sep 26, 2009

Personal statement "The fear."

5 - thank you for all opinons! Really helpful! This is my revised version. Is it getting better? It may...

Undergraduatelinhexi - Sep 10, 2009 / linhexi - Sep 26, 2009

'the harsh reality of my injury' - Michigan Setback Essay

3 - Thanks Sean. I wasn't sure about the apologizing part as well...

Undergraduatelonelysnakr - Sep 26, 2009 / lonelysnakr - Sep 26, 2009

Common App about Calligraphy

3 - Thank you a lot.I will work on it....

Undergraduatepulp - Sep 26, 2009 / pulp - Sep 26, 2009

UT admissions personal essay "alcoholism"

4 - you should explain how alcohal greatly affected you and what ways are great to prevent alcoholism. so far so...

Undergraduateandrew4038 - Sep 24, 2009 / asianbaybay - Sep 26, 2009

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