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Writing college admission, application, and scholarship essays (page 433)

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USC Short question - swimming activity

NEW - Tell us about an activity that is important to you, and why. To begin with, all students face...

UndergraduateFYI - Nov 22, 2008 / — -
Grandparents had spent great portion of their hard earned saving to buy house and car for their son

3 - Thank you so much for your advice. I will definitely work harder for more improvement....

Undergraduatelayaili - Nov 20, 2008 / layaili - Nov 22, 2008
essay about experience

6 - I think it's great in regards to content and readability; your organization and structure look good as well. The...

Undergraduatem5456 - Nov 20, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 21, 2008
The Super Student, a person who had an influence on me - admission essay

4 - Michael Driscoll is my name. I thought I would put a little twist on the essay by writing it...

Undergraduateeagle6002 - Nov 21, 2008 / eagle6002 - Nov 21, 2008
Cross Country; most exhilarating experience; Extracurricular Activity

2 - Good afternoon :) "For me, Cross CountryThese are not proper nouns and shouldn't be capitalized. has been one...

Undergraduateeagle6002 - Nov 21, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 21, 2008
Jackie essay - Demolish my essay or work with it.

3 - I think if you explain to your audience that responsibility is reflected in your life now, that will be...

Undergraduatejenchow1992 - Nov 6, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 21, 2008
UC prompt 1---multiculture in school and my contribution

2 - Good afternoon :) As you didn't include the prompt for this essay or what kind of assistance you...

Undergraduateester1213 - Nov 21, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 21, 2008
Columbia / prudent adventurer ~~~I need suggestion~

2 - Good afternoon :) Since you didn't describe what kind of assistance you were seeking, I have some very...

Undergraduateester1213 - Nov 21, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 21, 2008
"striving to major in a certain area" - UC prompt 1 - i need help

2 - Good afternoon :) First, a mechanical suggestion: avoid contractions in formal academic writing; for instance, "wouldn't" should be...

Undergraduatekewlliljethro - Nov 21, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 21, 2008
"MC in Valentines Day event" - UC transfer applicants prompt #1

2 - Good afternoon :) I have edited the first section and then provided some more general comments in regards...

Undergraduategalz - Nov 21, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 21, 2008
My Team, This is who I am. Prompt two.

2 - I have edited the first section and then given you some general comments in regards to the rest of...

UndergraduateAndrewessay - Nov 21, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 21, 2008
I had my first experience in sales and merchandising ; FIT App

2 - Good afternoon :) I have edited the first section of your piece and then given some more general...

Undergraduatesaemilee517 - Nov 21, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 21, 2008
'Curiosity in mathematics and science' - University of Rochester

2 - "The education facilities there provide stellar academic programs related to the sciences in a cordial environment. Should I decide...

Undergraduatequack09 - Nov 19, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 21, 2008
International Youth Leadership Forum travel - UC Essay prompt #2

3 - Good afternoon :) I believe you have answered the prompt effectively. You describe the experience as well as...

Undergraduatejedijessy91 - Nov 19, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 21, 2008
WPI Short Answers-Need revise & critic

3 - Well, I forgot that I have already paste my second essay before. Anyway, thank you very much for...

Undergraduatehelenalqy - Nov 20, 2008 / helenalqy - Nov 21, 2008
"my life is prepared for all methods" - UC Prompt #1

3 - Great thanks, u've helped me a lot :) I was just wondering my passage was a little bit irrelevent...

Undergraduatehallelujah - Nov 18, 2008 / hallelujah - Nov 21, 2008
'self respecting male' - common app essay for princeton

4 - WOW THATS A REALLY GREAT ESSAY, UR DEF GONNA GET INTO PRINCETON :] GOOD JOB!!!!!!!! to the...

Undergraduateaktanuku - Nov 20, 2008 / quack09 - Nov 20, 2008
'recognized by many coaches' - the world you come from. UC prompt #1

NEW - hello, I was wondering if you could help me with fixing up my introduction paragraph, as well as editing...

Undergraduatejedijessy91 - Nov 20, 2008 / — -
'looking to become a computer engineer' - Rutgers University Admission

5 - I am planning on applying to Rutgers New Brunswick, and I don't know what to do for my essay....

UndergraduateBlackPhoenix - Nov 16, 2008 / RutgersGirl91 - Nov 20, 2008
"Born in Peru" - Need Help On Personal Statement Prompt #1

9 - thanks i was thinking like to add a little bit of detail bout my fear of public speaking but...

UndergraduateFatalKid91 - Nov 17, 2008 / FatalKid91 - Nov 20, 2008
"6th grade incident" - UC transfer. Prompt #2

2 - I don't think it's a bad example to use; on the contrary, it obviously made an impact, causing you...

Undergraduatemusiklover - Nov 20, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 20, 2008
A successful college campus - Lehigh Second Supplement

2 - I think this is a great response. You answer all facets of the prompt thoroughly, and your example is...

Undergraduatevaibhav2614 - Nov 20, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 20, 2008
For UC transfer essay, some questions.

4 - Sounds great! Regards, Gloria Moderator, EssayForum.com...

Undergraduategalz - Nov 19, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 20, 2008
to expand my knowledge - FSU essay, opinions and suggestions on improvement

2 - You have a very good essay here; a few structural/mechanical suggestions, but you answer the prompt effectively. You discuss...

Undergraduatelps227 - Nov 19, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 20, 2008
"Mi casa es tu casa" - Common Application- Personal Statement

3 - Good evening :) I think you have done a fantastic job answering this prompt. You have described the...

Undergraduatejdsams02 - Nov 19, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 19, 2008
Family, qualities - UCF Admissions Essay: #2 + #4

NEW - 2. How has your family history, culture or environment influenced who you are? For Centuries, America has been...

Undergraduatejumpydrummer - Nov 19, 2008 / — -
"to even graduate" - PROMPT #2 PERSONAL STATEMENT

NEW - I am the first person in my family to even graduate from high school; when my father was not...

UndergraduateBARBAKAREN - Nov 19, 2008 / — -
"The alphabet I know consists of only seven letters." -UC statement pr 2

2 - Good evening :) I have edited one section of your piece and then provided some general comments in...

Undergraduatecuecomeber - Nov 19, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 19, 2008
International student to apply Tesol - Statement of Purpose

2 - I'm not really sure about the content of your essay. Have you been to college already and majored in...

UndergraduateMinJung - Nov 18, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 19, 2008
UCF essay about family dinner

2 - Good afternoon :) I have edited the first section and then made some more general comments in regards...

Undergraduatefruban - Nov 18, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 19, 2008
"Playing with my Yoshi doll and making new friends" - UC Prompt #1

6 - In regards to content, I'm not sure really where you are going with it. In the introduction you talk...

UndergraduateXegonyv - Nov 18, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 19, 2008
UC Prompt 1, My life at a boarding school

6 - Good afternoon :) Thank you for clearing that up; if I made that error, it is probable that...

Undergraduatethagg - Nov 17, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 19, 2008
"trying for the best university in the world" - Uc Prompt #2

3 - thanks a million:)...

Undergraduatehallelujah - Nov 18, 2008 / hallelujah - Nov 18, 2008
FU Essay - Significant experience/Achievement - Revisions Needed

3 - Thanks for the input....

Undergraduateahhitsj0e - Nov 18, 2008 / ahhitsj0e - Nov 18, 2008
'Growing up I hated to read' - Fashion Institute of Technology essay

2 - Good evening :) In regards to flow, there are a few things that you can make sure of...

Undergraduatesunsetswitheli - Nov 18, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 18, 2008
Study abroad program in Nicaragu - Uc Prompt #2. Need Complete Revision

2 - First, make sure your words and sentences aren't redundant. For example, "I started thinking about how I felt before...

Undergraduateveesualize - Nov 18, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 18, 2008
"DARPA Grand Challenge" - Lehigh Short Essay

2 - Good evening :) I won't ever "tear you down." :) Constructive criticism, now, that's my forte :) ...

Undergraduatevaibhav2614 - Nov 18, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 18, 2008
"the happy and healthy world" -UC essays #1 and #2

2 - Good afternoon :) In regards to the first piece, as long as it fits the word count requirement,...

UndergraduateAsapirs23 - Nov 18, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 18, 2008
"I can never know everything, but with what I know, I can accomplish anything" - essay check

2 - Good evening :) I have provided some general comments in regards to mechanics in this piece. First,...

Undergraduatepinks1026 - Nov 18, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 18, 2008
choose an activity that reveals something about you---needs proofreading.

2 - Good afternoon :) See me comments on your other postings in regards to mechanical corrections, as they apply...

Undergraduategcueva26 - Nov 17, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 18, 2008
Journalism - MACAULAY ADMISSION ESSAY: needs proofreading

4 - Good afternoon :) I think if you rework the essay to stick to your topic it will be...

Undergraduategcueva26 - Nov 16, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 18, 2008
People with scars - UC Prompt #1, Too Off Topic? Inappropriate?

7 - Try avoiding heavy condescension. As far as I know, UCs do not like to see this (it's too negative)....

UndergraduateBloodweb - Nov 17, 2008 / RiceFiend - Nov 17, 2008
Because of his lack of English - Vanderbilt Essay - Revise/Critique

2 - Good evening :) First, some mechanical comments. Avoid using contractions in formal academic writing; instead of "it's," write...

Undergraduatemelodyv14 - Nov 17, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 17, 2008
From China - with College Education - Jacksonville University essay revise.

4 - Oops. It was another typo. :[ And thank you very much! You were very helpful! Have a good...

UndergraduateSui0915 - Nov 17, 2008 / Sui0915 - Nov 17, 2008
UC essay #1: Living in Orange County

2 - Good evening. I think you've got a great answer to the prompt here. You describe what it is...

Undergraduateskeim23 - Nov 17, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 17, 2008
Black and White personalities - UC Prompt Numero Uno

2 - Good evening :) A few suggestions. First, make sure you are properly formatting the titles of the books...

Undergraduatecutelilgaara - Nov 17, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 17, 2008
'The lights flickered back and forth as I sat in my seat.' Personal quality - did i go off topic?

3 - The main issue I see here is that of tense. You switch back and forth from past to present...

Undergraduatemathfun1227 - Nov 17, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 17, 2008
UC Promt: 'sacrifice and adversity' - freshman applicants

2 - Make sure you are using proper spacing. For instance, "...next day , while..." should be "...next day, while..." ...

Undergraduateveesualize - Nov 16, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 17, 2008
I really enjoyed what I did; FIT(fashion merchandising)

NEW - Applicant : Date of Birth : Statement of Purpose Grown ups (Now I am one of them) often...

Undergraduatesaemilee517 - Nov 17, 2008 / — -
'I knew little about my grandpa' - Texas Lutheran University admission essay

3 - Thank you so so so much. :-)...

Undergraduatelaurenroxhersox - Nov 16, 2008 / laurenroxhersox - Nov 16, 2008
Life is all about changes and lessons - FSU admisson essay

2 - Make sure to maintain the theme (in this case, strength) throughout your piece. You let it get away from...

Undergraduatebrefranzen - Nov 16, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 16, 2008
Philmont Boy Scout Ranch is the summer hike everyone in Troop 62 looked forward to. UF Essay

5 - Good evening :) I think your content is good, but the focus is wrong. The prompt asks you...

Undergraduatechatch15117 - Nov 16, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 16, 2008
UC Personal Statement - finding leeway

3 - I will do as you have suggested. I'm glad this one earned a passing grade. Thanks to no...

UndergraduateRiceFiend - Nov 16, 2008 / RiceFiend - Nov 16, 2008
Fr. Julian: Common App- influential person essay.

3 - Thank you for your time and revisions. Andrew...

Undergraduateacorbett19 - Nov 14, 2008 / acorbett19 - Nov 16, 2008
FSU Application Essay- "Vires, Artes, Mores" and my parents

NEW - To me, "Vires, Artes, Mores" captures the essence and character of an individual destined to be a productive and...

Undergraduatejaja820 - Nov 16, 2008 / — -
'Painting is my identity' - your extra-curricular activities - commonapp

3 - Thank you. :) i will improve on it!!...

Undergraduateprincetongirl - Nov 15, 2008 / princetongirl - Nov 16, 2008
"Art is not a thing; it is a way." - Elbert Hubbard - FSU Admission Essay.

5 - Good evening :) I do like the rewrite; structurally it is just as good as the first piece,...

Undergraduaterejoice916 - Nov 15, 2008 / EF_Team5 - Nov 15, 2008
My leadership skills will benefit the university community and cause for a better society to live in

3 - Thank you for very much. I appreciate your input....

Undergraduatebballjessie23 - Nov 15, 2008 / bballjessie23 - Nov 15, 2008
Crohn's - UC essay #2

3 - Thanks for your help! Stefan Keim...

Undergraduateskeim23 - Nov 15, 2008 / skeim23 - Nov 15, 2008
"Can I get you something to drink?" - common app essay.

NEW - this is for the common app. topic of your choice, and i need some input on it. "Can...

Undergraduatejeaiyeku - Nov 15, 2008 / — -

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