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Writing admission and application essays for graduate school (page 57)

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Master's Degree in International Law School - personal statement feedback

2 - If it is perpetuating, it is perpetuating something. But actually, you mean that it is being perpetuated. I...

GraduateOmbreGracieuse - Apr 7, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Apr 8, 2010
Admission Interview Q: the inevitable Why Do you want to be a doctor :-)

2 - Interesting insight, Ellen! Over here in the U.S. it makes people uncomfortable, too, sometimes. I think it varies...

Graduateellenhepden - Apr 6, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Apr 7, 2010
Personal Statement for Msc Financial Economics (an investment bank)

5 - Also, as I look at the essay, you say so many things that it is like a thick forest...

Graduateharryanand - Apr 3, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Apr 7, 2010
Statement of Purpose for MS admission in USA (Electrical Engineering)

6 - Well, that is true for all of us, but when the reader gets through your first paragraph she...

GraduateVakax - Apr 4, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Apr 6, 2010
Statement of Purpose For PhD in Management (MBA) -- human behavior

6 - Thanks alot kevin now i can really work on this, ill come back with these changes in a few...

Graduateasif2311 - Mar 28, 2010 / asif2311 - Apr 2, 2010
boat designer - Motivation essay for an international student application

4 - Thank you! I'll try my best....

GraduateMartin - Apr 2, 2010 / Martin - Apr 2, 2010
Individual presentation for Master of Science in Software Engineering

3 - Thanks a lot Susan for your help. I will apply your adjustments. It was really helpful. Do you...

Graduatesim0s - Mar 31, 2010 / sim0s - Apr 1, 2010
Relationship with co-workers / personal values strain - essay for Evening MBA UW

2 - Your essay is coming along fine, though I did find a few things; My high levels of expectations...

Graduatevashwanth - Mar 31, 2010 / EF_Susan - Apr 1, 2010
"a successful business background" -SOP for Masters in Management programme

2 - ...spending my leisure hours in helping my uncles with handling accounts, planning ways to enhance business, designing promotional campaigns...

Graduateyogitagarodia - Mar 31, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Apr 1, 2010
essay for graduate admission in MPH and why it fits as a career choice

4 - Awesome... you are great. In response to this, I started out to study medicine in the university, but...

Graduatewachu - Mar 30, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Apr 1, 2010
Personal statement -- Building and Engineering

2 - I'm sorry no one reviewed it again before the deadline. It is very impressive, though! I see no major...

Graduatexiayiyue - Mar 27, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Mar 31, 2010
"fascination of being an engineer" - SOP for corrections

3 - Thnq sir/mam...

Graduatekats_rak - Mar 17, 2010 / kats_rak - Mar 31, 2010
Doctorate degree, knowledge in materials chemistry: The benefit for my country.

5 - Zhiyang "I would like to gain a deeper knowledge in materials chemistry by taking my PhD in the United...

Graduatefirmanq - Mar 24, 2010 / nifa21 - Mar 28, 2010
TO WORK AS AN STRUCTURAL ENGINEER

4 - You should make sure that you can do very well in mechanics, which is the basic of consrutction engineer.The...

Graduateabajaj - Mar 25, 2010 / xiayiyue - Mar 27, 2010
Petroleum +Environmental Engineering, renewable energy, project management - SOP

4 - the 3rd is Environmental engineering : Pollution has been a major problem all over the world. Every process...

Graduatetimothy1985 - Mar 17, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Mar 22, 2010
Personal Statement for LLM in International Economic Law

4 - EF_Kevin Thank you very much for your reply !!!...

Graduatelijing - Mar 15, 2010 / lijing - Mar 20, 2010
Statement of Purpose for a PhD in Wind Energy

6 - Raymond and Kevin, thank you both for your help. All corrections are made. Thank you so much. I...

Graduatealiasonia - Mar 18, 2010 / aliasonia - Mar 19, 2010
Essay on a topic "Influences that have shaped who you are today"

6 - Very good essay...But some sentences that you've written make me lose focus..I mean they're a bit complicated and I...

GraduateJenny_ - Feb 23, 2010 / twotontony - Mar 19, 2010
Statement of Purpose for Masters in Public Administration

2 - Hi Raman, Below are some helpful hints about statements of purpose and personal statements for graduate schools. ...

Graduateramangrewal2009 - Mar 17, 2010 / ivyeyesediting - Mar 18, 2010
SOP for Process System Engineering in UK schools

5 - I think you should definitely tell about your father! You could say something like, "my father is a great...

Graduatedabee002 - Mar 16, 2010 / EF_Susan - Mar 18, 2010
statement of purpose for mechanical engineering for phd admission

2 - I have consistently ranked among the top 3 % of the students with 70. I would say this...

Graduatermitlapa - Mar 16, 2010 / fznfire - Mar 16, 2010
Opportunity to deepen my knowledge and open up research avenues. SOP for MS in Computer Science (UK)

NEW - software industry career expected As I completed my Pre-University education and I decided to pursue Under Graduation in...

Graduatedarshan - Mar 15, 2010 / — -
I'd like to be a knowledgeable professional; Science & technology:SOP- MS Computers

2 - Right from my childhood days, I was interested in anything related to science & technology. The emergence of...

Graduateakshay_pawar123 - Mar 13, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Mar 14, 2010
Working for Fujitsu Consulting India - active leadership role at profession

3 - - The first sentence is lengthy, and this is true for the rest of the paragraph. Also, you...

Graduatesonikamadala - Mar 14, 2010 / Mustafa1991 - Mar 14, 2010
"becoming a successful entrepreneur" - MBA SOP-Rutgers

6 - I'm going to pass this suggestion along! Thanks! Sorry about the trouble you had. I think this might be...

Graduatetwotontony - Feb 19, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Mar 13, 2010
I have the tenacity, energy and desire; SOP for Global IT management

5 - Thank you , Kevin. ^^...

Graduatenicol018nie - Mar 9, 2010 / nicol018nie - Mar 11, 2010
100-word statement of purpose for MA program in Political Science

6 - This sentence seems to need a little fixing: Guided by the enthusiasm to strengthen my economic knowledge with critical...

GraduateLena - Feb 28, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Mar 11, 2010
TOEFL:There are a lot of people who dream to get two things in their lives, money and success

3 - And Most of these people are confused about the difference between having a lot of money and being...

Graduatedjanat - Mar 9, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Mar 11, 2010
TOEFL: Why do people visit museums? Curiosity

5 - hi firstly , you have a very strong vocabulary, you do not make a lot of mistakes. when i...

Graduatekiran - Mar 6, 2010 / djanat - Mar 9, 2010
Law School personal Statement-A Chance to Make Amends

4 - I waited for them to give me the answers I sought, to the questions I sought ; they never...

Graduatenifa21 - Mar 7, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Mar 8, 2010
'the family is the real winner' - Toefl: playing game is fun only when we win

3 - Azamat, I really appreciate the good work you are doing here lately. Thanks!! djanat, do you notice that Azamat...

Graduatedjanat - Mar 5, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Mar 7, 2010
Study Plan for Graduate Program, brand and marketing design

4 - I see what you mean! That's a funny mistake; you are an identity thief now! :-) I deleted...

Graduatehappysoda - Feb 27, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Mar 2, 2010
New Requirement = Odd Twist on the Personal Statement

3 - Well, it seems great to include analysis of a social problem and some recommendations for solutions in your...

GraduateDucky - Feb 28, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Mar 1, 2010
"my volunteer exercise with WHO"

2 - I met a 28 year-old woman during my volunteer exercise with WHO in the KICK POLIO OUT program in...

Graduatehemistry - Feb 26, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Feb 28, 2010
SOP for IT and Management, worldwide career opportunities in IT

2 - Capitalize Internet. In the first year after my graduation, I built... But to work as an independent...

Graduatefarooq_100us - Feb 22, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Feb 26, 2010
Statement of objective-SINGAPORE MIT ALLIANCE SMA

4 - This seems like something really nice. You should be excited about expressing your creative inclination and showing what...

Graduatemaneesha - Feb 20, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Feb 21, 2010
any personal or academic matter that may assist admissions committee

4 - Thank you so much Marco and Kevin...

Graduatejoshjosh - Feb 19, 2010 / joshjosh - Feb 20, 2010
Discuss two examples that demonstrate your potential as a successful leader?

4 - I think you should not make such a short paragraph for paragraph 2. Put these together as one paragraph:...

Graduatezeesh - Feb 16, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Feb 19, 2010
marketing degree, Q2: What do you hope to achieve?

6 - Usually the school gives some guidance as to how long it should be. If no idea is given, though,...

Graduatedolph - Feb 16, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Feb 18, 2010
SOP Corporate law LLM -India

6 - Does this mean that you do not have any examples of how a corporate lawyer can contribute to...

Graduateab123 - Feb 14, 2010 / linmark - Feb 18, 2010
PHD SOP for Criminal Justice/Administration of Justice

3 - Thank you Kevin for the corrections and suggestions....

GraduateCJPHDhopeful - Feb 13, 2010 / CJPHDhopeful - Feb 17, 2010
PhD SOP Pharmaceutics (Research is not an 8-16 job)

3 - Thanks a lot Susan! I appreciate your help :-)...

Graduatearete - Feb 16, 2010 / arete - Feb 17, 2010
SoP on MBA (summer break in Vietnam)

7 - I wish! Maybe someday. Buddhists are better people than me! :-D...

Graduateheather8 - Feb 10, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Feb 16, 2010
Computer science, SOP, MS in Software Engineering

4 - Thank you Kevin and Umme Salma for your inputs. I have considered those changes....

Graduateskg_silicon - Feb 14, 2010 / skg_silicon - Feb 16, 2010
Motivation Letter for International Business Programme -how shorten this essay

7 - Thank you very much, Kevin! I made corrections you've pointed out, have also shortened it nearly 200 words, otherwise,...

Graduatelala1111 - Feb 6, 2010 / lala1111 - Feb 13, 2010
Politics, History and Economics - SOP- for Masters in Public Policy in the UK

3 - I am pretty impressed, Omkar! Please check out the EF_Contributor page! this needs a comma: ...towards a technical education,"...

Graduateamruta - Feb 12, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Feb 12, 2010
Government should place few, restrictions on scientific research and development

4 - That first sentence is confusing. How about this: It is an intellectual policy to offer a reasonable amount of...

Graduategreaw666 - Feb 10, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Feb 12, 2010
I Am Applying For Masters In Advertising, statement of purpose

4 - Who doesn't!? It's a statement of the obvious. "I believe" often makes a sentence weak. It is usually...

Graduateanandj10 - Feb 10, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Feb 11, 2010
PhD SOP for swiching career from Corporate to Higher education

4 - You should elaborate on what inspired you to come to this decision. Also, education being a noble profession, you...

GraduatePath10 - Feb 2, 2010 / 0mkar - Feb 10, 2010
SOP: M.Sc. in High Performance Computing from the University of Edinburgh

6 - It really is lean and mean. That first para takes the reader from your first experience at age 10,...

Graduate0mkar - Feb 6, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Feb 9, 2010
Leading: "your greatest talents and/or abilities" Applying for an MBA

3 - I think you mean being responsible(or accountable) for my mistakes... The aforementioned are generic qualities of...

Graduateflounder - Jan 29, 2010 / linmark - Feb 9, 2010
"Why did you choose the health profession", short response from my post-bacc app

6 - no comma necessary here: ...data to support or refute it. I'm jealous, URI is a cool place! I...

Graduateultimeaciax - Feb 7, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Feb 8, 2010
'healthcare training center' - Personal Statement for MA in language studies

6 - Use the word "relationships" rather than "contacts" ..not just in enhancing relationships between people.. And "exchange of ideas"...

Graduaterubyky20 - Feb 6, 2010 / 0mkar - Feb 8, 2010
Back to Graduate School for more Economics: Letter of Intent!

2 - I am an economist with an aptitude for addressing economic issues through creative statistical techniques and keen interest in...

Graduatecoolintake - Feb 7, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Feb 7, 2010
Singapore Master in Electrical Engineering with Communications as my major - SOP

8 - I had to remove the essay from this thread, because I saw that the content was indeed the same...

Graduateshaikzubair - Jan 27, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Feb 7, 2010
Personal Statement for Public Health (MPH programs)

3 - Very strong introduction! I was drawn to reading the rest of letter because of it. However, is this the...

GraduatePerelador - Jan 31, 2010 / coolintake - Feb 7, 2010
Essay for MBA school : How to write the fittest context & structure in my essay

2 - In the next few years, I would like to seek a position as Head of Treasury Division at Bank...

GraduateAndrijanto - Feb 3, 2010 / EF_Susan - Feb 4, 2010
UC berkeley Haas school of business - Attributes essay

2 - Walking into the 'Sproul plaza' and tracing the steps of 'Mario Savio' was a dream come true for...

GraduateDhiv - Feb 2, 2010 / EF_Kevin - Feb 3, 2010
Essay for Masters of Accounting Program

3 - WolfAcct Hello, It is, indeed, important to make a case for your leadership skills, especially when you...

GraduateWolfAcct - Jan 30, 2010 / ivyeyesediting - Feb 1, 2010
'I extremely strive to pursue Masters in Financial Mathematics'

11 - Thanks a lot, A. Smith! I have significantly changed my motivation letter. Anyways, thanks a lot for your...

Graduateaiglos - Dec 29, 2009 / aiglos - Jan 31, 2010

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