Writing Feedback / TOEFL; I think teachers shouldn't share their personal views with students! [3]


... Well .... your introduction needs a little bit of improvement. First introduce the topic and then state your opinion. For example;
Some teachers openly express their social or political views to their students during their teaching sessions in the classroom. In my view, I believe this is not a healthy practice for several reasons;


Face and solve problems and challenges after graduating from school? I think this is beyond a teachers main responsibility... I guess the primary responsibility is to teach the theory and practical lessons in order to get students pass their exams. However, a teacher can give much more to students than their primary responsibility

Scholarship / Coffee,the most important commodity in the Cental Highlands; SCHOLARSHIP [11]


I never wanted to settle for better and always aspire to be the best. .... you are a great character and wish you all the best ;)


I am determined to become an effective expert in food science, however I know I need to enhance my knowledge in biotechnology discipline such as in the areas of biological chemistry, microbiology, and advanced food analytical methods, if I am to pursue this dream seriously.


I was amazed to learn how well Australia makes use of biotechnology applications in agriculture and I am confident that it is the place that would open the door for me to opportunities ;

Graduate / I will exceed your expectations; Master in communications, personal statement [5]


Being an Ambassador of my university and a tutor for first-year students, I developed my presentation and interpersonal communication skills.


I believe this would give every student an opportunity to learn more about other cultures, traditions and ways of living.
[


I found the courses offered are very relevant for my professional goals. Further the opportunities for visiting guest lectures and practical workshops would broaden my perspectives about modern media and marketing.

Undergraduate / Skidmore cares for its students; Transfer-Skidmore/ Academic+Personal Goals [6]



Yep.... it sounds great and guess you have a strict word count to keep it so slim and trim :D
I only find this word a bit ...hmmmmmm ... how do I say? .... a bit odd :D


... I cannot get the idea why you used the word "major"... Other than that I find this is an excellent answer which is very well presented.

Wish you good luck with your application!

Writing Feedback / In my opinion, parents are the best teachers! personal approach [4]


Since mother gavegives birth to the childrenher child,sproutedand nurture her baby until the child becomes a young personand grown up , they have known closely these children'sshe best understands the behaviors, interests and needs of her child than everybody else


..children's habits


Another reason why I claim parents are the best teachers is that they are the best people to teach moral values to their children because they are in a better position to be involved with children's interactions with society.

Writing Feedback / IELTS- 2 "Should the Bugdet air travel be blamed for the impact on the environment" [4]


air travel has increased/ air travels have increased


...."affordable" is the most appropriate word for this idea


... pay attention to grammar; turn increases/ turns increase
Well.... in your introduction you favor the idea that cheap air travel is good. So you need to dedicate both paras in its favor. If you take a moderate stance then it's ok to show both sides (one para - for & other para- against).

Scholarship / My Mom/ Origami/My dad's stroke; Questbridge College Prep Scholarship [5]


.... is she a blue collar? If so use that term because it gives a better idea about what type of work she does.


so she always keeps telling me to strive hard with studies for a brighter future.


Have your mom here too.... Keep her in the centre;
It is her encouragement that drove me forward to pursue my academic goals. She provided me with courage to make a come back when I felt down and motivated me to excel in academics.

Letters / Motivational letter for an exchange students program [4]


I guess you can be a little bit more specific about your professional goals here. Tell specifically about your interest area, what you want to be etc.

You tell that it is studying abroad is the main reason why you apply for this program. So, show them specifically how it's going to contribute to your professional goal. You also need to talk about why you think you'd be a right candidate for this program.

Undergraduate / I'm a DREMER; Characteristics or perspectives I possess that make me unique [4]


...Everybody is unique in some special way.


... well.... I think there are many ....lol


Not many people are dreamers nowadays, yet dreams too are a very important part of our lives. ... in the next sentence tell why you say they are important. Don't drag and tell it at the end of the para.

Research Papers / Essay about children with disabilities and how hippotherapy helps - feedback [3]


... You repeat the same idea... is it a typo or you are attempting to say something else?


In many instances, Autism is considered as just one specific disorder and it is viewed in a very generalized manner.


These therapies range from the well-known physical and speech therapy to a much less known therapies such as aquatic, music and hippotherapy which is the focus of this paper.

Writing Feedback / IELTS;Some people are born challenge-takers while others prefer lives without change [6]


Good start.... I prefer if you align this more with the topic;
Some people are born risk-takers, they love to accept changes.


.... "while" is a connector and therefore you should have combined this line with the previous one with " while".


.... my suggestion;
It is hard to conclude which is better because they both have their own advantages and disadvantages.
It seems you can write very well and also you have very good ideas. However you need to pay attention to the essay structure which should minimum have 4 paras (Intor + 2 body paras+ conclusion)

Writing Feedback / Is it necessary to follow the new customs when you move into a new country? [3]


.... yes this is important. Then other people can provide you with more relevant comments.


.... in the introduction, try to keep things in general form ;
In order to adapt to new environments, people may need to follow new customs that are part of such new cultures.
You need to work a lot on your essay structure.

Writing Feedback / 'my father has a pet shop'; teenagers have jobs while they are still students. [4]


I provided my comments about this paragraph in another essay of yours. You need to follow the recommended structure for this task. It is this four para structure;

Introduction - introduce your topic + state your opinion
Body para1; Tell the first reason for your opinion. Then support it with one specific example
Body para 2; 2nd reason+example
Conclusion


.... this is pretty confusing and has some grammar issues too... You better re-phrase this line
it takes/ they take

Writing Feedback / Do people behave differently when they wear different clothes? YES [4]


You begin the essay answering directly to the prompt. However, this task is going to test your writing skills and therefore you need to present a good essay. In the introduction for introduce your topic to the reader and then state your opinion. Don't let your essay sound like a direct answer to the prompt. It should flow like an essay.


.... First you need to tell the reader why you think so and then support that reason with a specific example. This one sounds like an example.


... it takes/ they take
Seems like you need to have a good idea about the essay structure.

Writing Feedback / IETLS; Machine Translation Vs Human Translation [5]


.... StressedWriter has a point. You are expected to introduce your topic to the reader in the introduction. Since the term " machine translation" sounds a little technical you could have introduced it,


.... "agree with" & before the word "that" there is no comma.


.... your essay is not about a comparison of machine translation today with what it was earlier. So, here you sound as if going out of topic. Always keep an alignment with the topic.

Writing Feedback / Start work Early Morning or Work till late night? IELTS [7]

Very good editing by JangGemini!


... grammar mistake; Everybody has/ All have
Your essay looks too crowded. As tip, I tell everybody who takes up IETLS or TOEFL, to leave a blank between paragraphs. Your examiner would be pleased if he gets to mark essays that are presented in a more neat and tidy manner.


Here you do not provide a valid reason as to say why you support starting early. This is the essay structure you need to follow; Introduction, 2 body paras and the conclusion.

Introduction - introduce your topic & state your opinion
Body para1; Reason for your opinion & back it with a specific example.
Body para 2 - Reason + example
Conclusion - sum up everything said above

Scholarship / If I could trade places with any superhero or villain for a day, who would I choose a [6]

Awesome... very impressive indeed :)
I like this para out of all... It flows very well and you display your unique writing style. That's really very impressive.


This is the only part I find a bit boring and also confusing.... I guess it is a bit too long and the reader needs to keep memorizing things. You can easily improve its presentation.

Your answer shows you are quite creative. Wish you good luck with your scolarship!

Writing Feedback / Learning a foreign language from early age- students show multitasking abilities [4]

Well.... I am sorry, I do not have any idea about how they rate your writing. However, for sure, they would give you marks for the essay structure, vocabulary, grammar and presentation of your essay. It's prudent for you to keep practicing so that you'd improve essay by essay. Remember, this has a time management factor too.

Also, you need to provide meaningful comments to others' essays if you need to become an active member. That's the forum rule and you need to help others just the way you receive help from others.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Strict Punishment for driving offences is a must to curtail traffic accidents [8]


.... but having people abide by these guidelines is the problem.



... your sentences have a little problem with your flow. You start the sentence in on tone and end it differently. That disturbs the flow. Also try and avoid very lengthy sentences.

However, other people disagree saying that there are more effective ways; Tough driving tests, Effective road signs and warning systems, cameras and police patrols are some of these measures to improve safety on road.

Writing Feedback / Learning a foreign language from early age- students show multitasking abilities [4]


...well, language is not the sole way, but the best way to communicate. Dumb people communicate with others using certain body language.


.... this is wrong. "Children" is the right word which is the plural of "child"



Overall, this is a good essay. Seems you follow the right structure too :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 JAPANESE INVOLVED IN OVERSEAS TRAVEL [3]

Hi mhss,
gyal is right. Why dont you upload the graph? Then you'd receive more relevant feed backs. As usual your writing is really good in this essay too. You may visit the following website that may help you get more information about the expected essay structure;

Writing Feedback / Solving environmental issues is not the sole responsibility of one Int Org [2]


.... They are two sentences.


.... I notice many spelling mistakes in your essay.... Pay attention to that. Also, it is rather a duty and not a right. Everybody is part of the environment and heavily depends on it. So every individual has a duty towards protecting the environment.


... When you post your next essay make sure you post it in a more presentable manner. You need to start your sentences with capital letters. It is pretty difficult for us to separate your sentences when you make your post this way :(

Writing Feedback / Women's Place in Society; Are they still discriminated? [5]


...this is pretty weak as your opening sentence :( .... It really does not reveal any meaningful idea to the reader. I think you should open your essay with a greater punch. Tell something more relevant to your essay, something that can arouse curiosity of the reader.


... it is the perception that has changed and not the knowledge; "perception" means how you view things!
In the modern society, the perception about women is quite different from the what it was in the past.


Although some people claim that there is no gender discrimination and both genders are equal, still there instances where such discrimination exists in different forms.

Writing Feedback / THE LEVEL OF IMPRISONMENT in UK, Australia, NZ, US and Canada (IELTS GRAPH) [3]

Hi,
I find your structure slightly deviate from the recommended one. Following is a link which gives you the recommendations for this task (it's by British Council) and hope it would help you with further improving your writing for this task; you write well and hope this helps you to improve more :)

Good luck!

Undergraduate / It is truly a breathtaking moment ; Transfer application [5]


Others like my self, feel that their passion has been somewhere around them, but just needed time to realize exactly what it was.


... I think you need to strengthen the link between the previous line and this;
For me, it is those numerous school projects that I was involved that reveled my real passion; Design, architecture and engineering.

Undergraduate / My team was posted to a day care during a youth rally; Extracurricular activities [5]


[i]I wanted to save this child from what I went through and began a fundraiser.[/i]


... well, the word "man" sounds a bit too rigid. It's better if you use another word that shows more respect and gratitude towards the person who helped you with this campaign. This is my suggestion;

We didn't make any progress with our home by home campaign to convince people to support this kid. However, our fliers found us a donor who volunteered to bare the cost of surgery.

Writing Feedback / Is growth necessary for a happy life? [4]


Hey... what's the purpose of this writing?

Writing Feedback / IELTS- What's more enjoyable? - Attending a live performance or Watching them on TV? [4]


Well.... this line is not very well aligned with what your topic suggests... It's talking about some live performance which is not necessarily require your participation. For example, a live show of one famous singer. Since you are supposed to introduce your topic in the introduction, try to keep a good alignment always with your topic.


... hey! seems you have taken the topic not exactly the way it suggests.

Writing Feedback / IELTS- People resist changes in their lives/ problems they can cause & solutions [3]


It seems that humans by nature tend to avoid taking risks. ... however, this is not always true :D This depends on individual risk appetites :D


.... well this part sounds a bit out of topic. What is expected in the introduction is that you should introduce your topic to the reader. Here it does not happen properly because you hardly talk about the resistance by people for new changes. The topic does not talk about taking risks although it can be one of the reasons that people do not wish to accommodate changes.

Writing Feedback / IELTS:'parenting class' for parents of undisciplined children. [4]


... this is fine in respect of grammar. But you can improve its presentation by shortening the sentence;
Some people believe that parents having undisciplined children needs support from professional educators to learn how to tackle those children for making them disciplined.


... It is better to express your view here.... if you feel it has both positive and negative effects you can say so and support it with reasons and examples in the body paras.

In my view, this method has both advantages and disadvantages.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 'Reading books only containing real established facts' [5]


Habit of reading depends on if the reader finds interesting contents in books.[
You write so well... I only wish you use more direct speech than indirect because it is more clear and stronger in penetrating. However, passive needs to be use wherever it is appropriate :)

Good strategy; first para for and the next one against. You are quite good at this task.
The first body para does not contain a specific example. Pick one example such as someone reading the autobiography of one his country's national heroes. Then link it to the idea of your reason.

Make sure your examples are very specific :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2 "Face-to-face communication as opposed to ther means" [8]


... very clever idea... good start :)


However, some people still believe that face-to-face communication is much more effective than other methods, especially in building relationships with one another.


... I believe that the best way is always circumstantial and depending on the respective situation we need to choose the best mode of communication.
You write well.... Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / 'numbers gone up' - Japanese tourists travelling abroad; IELTS - Charts [2]


This is fine. But generally, you begin with explaining the overall trends and then expand on to more detailed information that is supported with facts and figures. You've done it at the last para in which you are supposed to write about what does this information suggest, not the observations;


Hope this website would help you get a clear ideas as to how you should structure it; Overall, you've done a good job :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: causes and solution of work-related stress [3]



problem needs to be addressed/ problems need to be addressed


a chronic disease/ chronic diseases
You need to pay attention to grammar. Your vocabulary and sentence structuring are pretty good :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Offenders should be sent to prison or not? [5]

Alright.... you need to separate your paragraphs clearly. As a hint, I'd advise you to have one blank line in between the paras to improve your presentation. :)

Introduction- Introduce your topic and state your opinion.


...this part is pretty good for the purpose of introducing your essay. Tell the other side of the argument too. And then state your opinion as to whether you agree or disagree or take a moderate stance. Then your intro is complete.

Undergraduate / Greater Challenge/ I'm my sister's mother; Transfer Objectives/Extracurricular [4]

Well.... I feel this sounds like a too personal experience for you to have the answer for your above prompt. It strictly does not fall under the category of extracurricular activity or work experience. I have doubts about this answer; for me, it sounds a bit inappropriate :( .... Don't you have more relevant work experience or some extracurricular activity?

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; A HOUSE OR A BUSINESS? Both [7]

hey.... i cannot find such article :( send the link :)

Graduate / I was drawn towards electronic devices; Malcolm X / SOP for MS in EE [3]

Sorry for being so late.... there are so many threads and I missed out this :(


.... This is not incorrect. However, it would come with a better punch if you presented this through some example such as how you were fascinated with dismantling devices when you were a kid... or something like that. It's nicer when you get the read to imagine your experience :)


Therefore I naturally look forward to specializing my knowledge further and further.


These are important points in your SOP.Just elaborate a little more on this... tell why those areas arouse your interest. Talk in a little more detail as to what you wish to do in future in these fields.


.... if you can add a few more features of the uni that you can easily connect with your goals and aspirations, it's great! You can then show why you are so keen on this program.

Overall, this is good... My suggestions are for further improvement.
Hope I'm not too late and anyways.... Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Offenders should be sent to prison or not? [5]

Your essay structure is not in line with the one that is expected for this task. You need to have at least four paragraphs that include your introduction, two body paras and the conclusion.

Graduate / I was assigned as a trainer & mentor; A situation where you failed. [4]


This is really good.... Also, I feel you can mention that you lacked a vision for bringing him up to a certain level of his performance and therefore you too did not have a strong strategy and plan for the purpose. Of course you need to be patient and accommodating when you are training a new guy. But your patience and tolerance alone are not enough to change a person and get him to the point you want. You need to have a plan, strategy and commitment.