Writing Feedback / One national cirriculum is forcing students to study materials they dont want to [5]

Well, I think should have not opened your essay with a statement expressing your opinion. You need to tell the reader what this essay is about before express your opinion.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 : Findland Telephone calls [10]

I don't get your question quite rightly, but I guess you are asking how hyphen is used in sentences. Well this is what I found for you;

Hyphens are used to link words and parts of words. They are not as common today as they used to be, but there are three main cases where you should use them:

in compound words
to join prefixes to other words
to show word breaks
Check on this link: oxforddictionaries.com/words/hyphen

Writing Feedback / Ielts: The population growth! each period of time had different leaders [5]

You need to follow a more appropriate structure for this task which is aimed at testing your report writing skills.

Writing Feedback / It's better to enjoy your money save it for the future? Family-Fixed Income [3]

Well, it is also better if you included the prompt in your essay for us to read. Then we exactly know what it is expecting from you. I guess this essay is Agree/ Disagree type.

Writing Feedback / Do you think that studying abroad is advantages ? [5]

In some developing countries, where the standard of education is not high and the education system lacksofsupporting facilities, students usually prefer to study abroad forin view of receiving a better education and thereby a better future. As the consequence, studentsthey also will face some difficulties by living in another country.

Well, this is not common only in developing countries. Even for the students in developed countries, there are many instances that they choose to study in foreign countries due to their preferences in particular academic courses, colleges etc. So, I feel you should have not had the qualification of developing countries for this theme. Always try to preserve the original sense of the topic.

However, you write very well :)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL:Travel from home to a place 40 miles away. Which method of travel you would choose ? [4]

However, train would not be a suitable option in this case because most of the trains in my city are express trains that do not stop at the stations within 50 miles. Therefore choosing the train as my mode of travel may add more burden on me instead of shortening my travel.

You write very well. Very good grammar and of course excellent vocabulary :)

Essays / Need a study plan for a scholarship [4]

Well, you have to device a study plan first. Decide on what you aim at studying there. Note down those points in a rough paper. Then take the first point. Think how it is going to help you with achieving your short or long term goals. Then do a para explaining that. Do it for the other points too :) Once you finish your draft, post it here for us to go through it and provide you with our feedbacks as to how to improve it.

Graduate / Languages International Bus and Europea Management; Motivation letter for Master´s Degree [2]


My Bachelor of Humanities in Information Technology Science provided me with the necessary basic knowledge and skills in business, business law and most importantly the information systems that are necessary for international commerce and support business processes.


Further, I was able to build my soft skills such as intercultural competence and customer relationship management through my work experience.

Scholarship / My personal statement for school scholarship [3]

I have been attending Cedar College since 2011 and I am looking forward to movemoving to Eynesbury College.

My mostfavourable hobbies are table-tennis, badminton and video games. ... (hobbies are leisure activities that you do for fun, so if they are not your favorite, you wouldn't choose them)


For subjects, you can say you have favorite subjects :D

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1; Country Food/ Drinks/ Tobacco/ Clothing/ Footwear/ Leisure/ Education [5]


Hey.... where is the table? You have typed all the data in that table and that suggests me you were not able to upload the image here. This is the way to upload the image;

1. Find the "Attach file(s)" command in the Message block.
2. Click on it and choose your file
3. Upload the file :)
Waiting for your table to provide you with more meaningful feedback :D

Writing Feedback / "Many holidaymakers would rather stay in a hotel room. Others prefer a campsite." (Essay) [9]

Ok, let's see whether you follow that suggested structure;
Body para1 -


In your first sentence you express your opinion which is not appropriate for a body para. You should have started with reasons as to why campsite is more preferred. Then you can cite your preference as the example to support that reason. For example;

Spending a holiday in a campsite enables a person to enjoy the nature in abundance. One would not be able to have such an opportunity in his or her day to day life and therefore such experience would give a total different relaxing experience to the person. (your first reason and now give a specific example)

Writing Feedback / Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the the number [5]

Many individuals nowadays are engaging toin different social activities that foster publichelp improve their health.

Undergraduate / If you were a superhero, what would your super power be....? PSEO entrance essay [3]


I love this intro :) impressive :)


I wish I have that power.... this is something I struggle almost everyday.... LOL :D

Often, I am forced to make a split second decision that couldmay negatively impactaffect either myself or others.


It is indeed...good writing and I enjoyed reading your essay :)

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay: which is better learning from the advice of fnf or from personal experience [5]


.... sounds like a bit incomplete idea;
First, it is important to gain life experiences by ourselves without much support from others because it is the only way for us to be confident in ourselves.

I suggest you to stick to one reason per para and support that reason with just one example. This task is time bound and lengthening your body paras might put you in trouble at the real exam.

Writing Feedback / Essay on the extent to which living in a city in the 21st century is stressful [5]

Well, it is good if you told us for what reason you wrote this essay. Is this for TOEFL or IELTS? Your title too is not so clear for us to understand how this essay should be structured. If this is for one of those two tasks, you need to refine your essay structure.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL "a coin has two sides" Young people enjoy life more than older people do. [4]

Well, your body paras do not contain specific examples to support your reasoning.

Letters / Extenuating Circumstance Letter Review [2]

To be honest, University of Waterloo have a good system on co-op program So, I have chosenwhich got me to choose University of Waterloo instead of other universities. My grades fell lower than average that I expected in the firstFirst term of first year in University of Waterloo was lower than the average grades that I have expected , and the results of the second term waswere as same as the first term except for one course.

Letters / Dear Grad School Admission; LETTER TO GRAD SCHOOL [2]


I am an applicant for the degree program of "?????????" (name of the degree, e.g. Masters in ?????) and I made my application on (date you first submitted it)


However, I took the GRE exam again in ???? (month) ???? (year) in hope of improving my chances for obtaining admission to your university with a better GRE score.


I shall be thankful if you could let me know whether it is possible to update my previous application with the new GRE score.

Writing Feedback / Credit Cards do good to people ? Agree/ Disagree [7]

I guess you have written this for the purpose of preparing yourself for TOEFL or IELTS. If so, you need to pay lots of attention with regard to essay structure :( These are the essential features in the essay;

1. Introduction
2. Body paragraphs (at least two)
3. Conclusion

Writing Feedback / IELTS; The ability of students in the areas of literacy and numeracy have declined [15]


This is pretty too long as an opening hook. You need to open your essay with some interesting sentence that has the ability to grab the reader's attention towards your writing. Generally, the hook is a short and a catchy sentence. The above sentence is too long and therefore it is quite confusing and the reader needs to keep memorizing all the details you have mentioned there.


Do you mean "numeracy competition"?

Writing Feedback / COMPUTERS Vs TEACHERS; What would happen in the future? [3]

Well, you are not sufficiently introducing your topic to the reader. I am going to copy the structure that dumi suggests for intro and I hope you'd follow that.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL -You have the opportunity to visit a foreign country for two weeks. [5]


For me, I find this sentence pretty confusing :( ... "Off late"? Do you mean "Since late" ?
Try to express your ideas more clearly because clarity of your sentences matters the most in writing.
Also, in your introduction you have very little said in relation to the topic. This is the structure dumi suggests for introduction for this task. Although it is more suitable for Agree/ Disagree type of topics you can follow the same style for introducing this topic too;

Writing Feedback / The officials of Canadian universities have high variety in allow international students to graduate [3]

Well, I feel your essay is bit too long for this task. It's ideal if you had two body paras (the ones that contain details) with the introduction and the overview. It should contain minimum 150 words, but I feel you should not exceed more than 175 words. These tasks have a time constraints so that you need to manage time efficiently too. It is good that you pay attention to all these aspects during your practice sessions :)

Writing Feedback / Toefl - a custom from your country that you would like people from other countries to ado [4]

Globally myriad customs are fallowedfollowed by people and it holdsthat are an essential value inpart of their lives. Customs inadvertently hashave become identity of various nations. Similarly India is a country where people highly believe in their customs and rituals and there are fewsome of them that can be adopted by other counties as well.


.... It's better you mention what they are very briefly rather than giving a vague feeling to the reader.

Writing Feedback / Traffic jams in big cities - headache question for the government to solve [5]


.... avoid redundant words


The big cities face the problem of rapid growth in population and thereby experience heavy traffic congestion due to large numbers of private cars and other vehicles

It's one of the many factors that leads to traffic jams . More cars make the roads more crowded, and also make the traffic worse.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Australian children leisure activity [5]


I quite agree with eddies :)


"attractive noticeable trends" - the word "attractive" does not provide any meaningful contribution to the presentation of this idea. In fact it destroys the flow of your sentence. Avoid redundant words in sentences.

Both boys and girls have Biking and gaming show similar trends, however, the boys lead girls in their engagement in these leisure activities.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Subway system in six major countries [5]


.... you need to adopt a more reporting tone . Avoid phrases like "Not surprisingly" which sound more personal.


I do not see any meaning in having this sentence :( It does not provide any vital information regarding the details presented in the table :(
Turning to the details, by comparisonwhen compared with Los Angeles subway system, London's system comingcame first construction in 1863 and carried out at 775 million commuters annually.

Writing Feedback / Toefl - Do you agree or disagree? "The most important thing about a job is how much money [5]


.... you have many redundant words in this sentence. Avoid that tendency in writing because they disturb the reader's interest.


...It is better you expressed your view in a clear statement when concluding your introduction.

Writing Feedback / belong to a middle class; Being a celebrity - such as a famous film star or ... [5]

Your body para does not contain a specific example to support the reason.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: What to broadcast on television and what to print in newspapers. [8]

Yep, we saw you were improving hell of a lot with your structure each time you posted a new essay. Just got the awesome news about your score at the real exam. Very happy for you. The best way to go about this task is to follow a solid essay structure and improve your time management skills on writing. If you have the essential features with good grammar and vocabulary, then you would be up on the deal :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last 20 years. [12]


Wow.... that's really really great news and thank you so much for informing us your test results. Not everybody does that and it is really nice of you to tell us your results and share your joy with us. We too are equally happy for you and wish all our members would be successful in their respective tasks just as you did :) Also, it gives us more confidence about the frameworks we suggest to our members. Congratulations and keep up your good work by helping others with your experience :)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL ESSAY - Short stories are preferred more than movies,explain your position. [7]


evolved as what ? Better you specified that ?


In this para, you talk about why people love to see movies. However, you do not do any comparison with short stories to that how people feel about them . I think your prompt is focused more on that aspect and you need to discuss that in this para. Always keep your writing with your prompt.

Undergraduate / What is my intended major? Why would i choose this major? [3]


Well, this is well drafted, but , for me, I find they do not give a clue about you. My view is that you should not waste words on discussing too general things or things that you have no part to take in. These questions are aimed at you and they, the admission folks, try to learn about your goals, aspirations, commitment, capabilities, character etc. So, I like if you take off that whole thing out from this response.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 - Bar and Line Charts! Tourists Of Japan Travelling Abroad! [8]


Well it looks like they were 5 million. Try to be always on the safe side;
In 1985, the number of Japanese who travelled abroad were less than 6 million


However, a very significant rise in Japanese tourists, on year and year, can be noted until 1990.

You write very well and follow a very good structure for this task. :)

Writing Feedback / parents are the best teachers. use specific reasons and examples to support your answer [7]

throughoutThroughout our life, we learn so much from many people. weWe have many teachers in our life. (this sentence has almost the same meaning as the first one, so it sounds too repetitive. Better remove it from this intro)learningLearning is thea continuous process and we tend to learn some or the other thing throughoutnew things each day our life. butBut the best of all teachers are our parents, who continues to be the part of our learning for the most of our life.

Scholarship / Self-Introduction for my Korean Government Scholarship Program [2]


.... In a boarding school, it is too obvious that children study, play , eat and sleep in the school. You should give some idea that has more meaning;

When I was in high school, I was compelled to be responsible about myself because I was boarded in a boarding school which was a far away from where my family lived.

At the beginning of high school life, I was, being an eleven yearsyear old, I and had to adjust myself to get along with others who came from many different cultures and backgrounds.

Scholarship / Self introduction for graduate scholarship. [4]

My name is Shawn, I was born and raised amongstby a middle class family, that gives priority to thewhich considers education as a very high priority,of its four children, in Kuching, the capital and the most populous city of Sarawak, Malaysia. My father is the one who always encourages us to never stopkeep learning and keep on upgrading ourselves with knowledge. My mother always states says that I was a curious and maliciousinquisitive child back then, which I think it is quite true. Even now, I cultivate an eagerly have a great desireofknowledge and curiosity.am quite curious about new knowledge.

malicious meaning - characterized by malice; intending or intended to do harm. (this is not what you wanted to mean, ok? )

Writing Feedback / Today, man is master and machine is slave but tomorrow, machine will be master and man wil [6]


You write very well. However, this does not follow the style that you are required to present at IELTS exam. We (dumi and most of the other contributors here) promote students to follow the following structure for the introduction because it contains all the feature that you need to score good marks as well as it helps you manage time efficiently at the exam.

Writing Feedback / "Pohela Falgun" - The custom of my country that I like most and will encourage to follow TOEFL essay [10]


Well, this topic sounds more like a speaking task topic. If so, you don't have to elaborate so much on this :D

On the same note, my country also has some specific customs.


In my country, there is one particular custom called "Pohela Falgun", which I like the most and wish everyone in the world would celebrate it just like my countrymen.

There are several reasons why I encourage people of different countries to follow this particular custom, however, I will discuss about two here.

Writing Feedback / Priority: Industrial skills vs Education? [5]


I personally believe that giving a higher priority for the education system over the consideration of improving industrial skills is an appropriate course of action.

From my point of view, every developed country has very well-structured education system and as a result, they have developed industry tooachieved a higher level of industrial skills too.


In the body paras you give a reason to justify your opinion and support that reason with a specific example (I don't find such example here)