Writing Feedback / GRE - essay Laws should not be rigid or fixed; flexibility - 'hurricane Katrina' [4]

The first paragraph is excellent, but you should use the word should in there somewhere to show that you are directly addressing the question about what SHOULD happen.

As I read the second paragraph, I find myself wanting to hear you acknowledge the shortcomings of the 2 options: Letting laws be flexible makes individuals able to undermine justice if they have poor judgment or ulterior motives, but keeping laws rigid undermines the complexity of human activity. I think you should address the shortcomings of both rigidity and flexibility.

You gave good examples of times when flexibility is important, but try to tackle the question, "What are the advantages and disadvantages of rigidity and flexibility?"

Undergraduate / (economics research and study) - What academic do you see yourself exploring at Penn? [5]


Hey, this is great, because it makes it so that your father's expression of emotion actually had a ripple effect and he can feel a sense of accomplishment when he sees how you benefit people during your career. Stay ethical and idealistic! :-)

Great ending. You did a great job.

Well, if you are serious about accomplishing this big goal, I think you must be interested in reading some articles about it in professional journals about economics. Your homework is to find a good journal, read a good article about improving the economy, and cite the article in your essay.

Graduate / Statement Of Purpose for Admission in Masters by reaserch (Telecommunication) [3]

Hi Ishita! Welcome!

Do not use &.
write "and"

Being a child of the Science & Technology era, I've had a keen & deep interest in exploring different various electronic ...

This eventually lead to many hilarious as well as disastrous adventures like my accidental erasing of parts of our video cassette collection just to see how the "forbidden" record button ...I love it! very good... I just made a small change to improve it.

...Studies as my elective subject for both my secondary & higher secondary studies. (end this paragraph here)
New paragraph:
After completing higher secondary studies, I enrolled myself into the degree of BSc. In Information Technology in

I believe that as a responsible human being, we should always set our career goals focusing on lending a helping hand towards others, no matter what we do for living. in the future This is a great theme to use. I just chopped off some words at the end.

Here, too... this is very good---> Throughout my life, I grew up with the motto taught by my dearest parents that we should live for others, not ourselves, to lead a meaningful life as a human being. This has greatly inspired me ...

This is a wonderful essay. I just want to suggest that you use more paragraphs. Modern people have small attention spans. Write paragraphs with 4 or 5 sentences, maybe 6.

End the first paragraph with a POWERFUL sentence that expresses your main idea and makes a connection between your plan and your philosophy about using your field of expertise to positively impact others.

That thesis sentence should go at the end of an intro paragraph. I think you need to add an intro paragraph before the beginning of the paragraph that is currently paragraph #1. Know what I mean? Tack an intro paragraph onto the beginning of this essay, and give a thesis statement that expresses the main idea(s).

Now please go give feedback and ideas to some other people. Essay Forum is so busy, and you are such a skillful writer... I need your help to keep up with all the essays! :-)

Undergraduate / "I like learning." - Why Brown? - Brown Supplement [5]


Great question. I think you could probably write 100 pages before becoming repetitive. The key is to cover different aspects of your specific interests when you write the other essay.

Be that passionate scholar who simply cannot stop talking about the important aspects of the field. Know what I mean?

You only get to use a few pages when you could probably fill 100 with your insights from pursuing your chosen field of knowledge. And your PLANS could fill another 100 pages.

Writing Feedback / sense of humor, honesty, willingness - QUALITIES OF A GOOD NEIGHBOR - TOEFL [7]

Hi Luu,

Yes, I look forward to the next essay. If you want to practice typing the correct way, post a new draft of this essay here. You can only correct errors by practicing typing the correct way. It is not enough just to notice the errors. So, I hope you retype this essay and fix the errors!

You already are very skillful. I do not see many errors, and a lot of What Maria said was just ideas, not necessary corrections.

When you are trying to change your writing from good to perfect, you need to reprogram your brain. Like with this sentence:
Therefore, it is essential to have someone who I can talk, feel pleasure and, especially, lives very close to me.
Reprogram your brain by practicing this:
Therefore, it is essential to have someone with whom I can talk, share pleasure, and (especially) live close to. ---- This is another correct way. Practice, practice! :-)

Undergraduate / "Changing schools" - Georgia tech. Explain an Aspect of Your Academic Background. [4]

Olaoluwa, will you spend some more time and give better feedback than that? I see how well you write, and I know you can help a little more! :-)

Undergraduate / "My parents" - my academic background [6]

Your first paragraph is very short, and you have an opportunity to make the essay much better. Please add a sentence to the first paragraph and make it a sentence that says something about this notion that your accomplishments seemed like your parents accomplishments and that you went through a process that enabled you to discover your own work and accomplishment as different from theirs.

See what I mean? Add a sentence to that first para to tell readers that this essay is going to show how you learned to become your own person and discern your accomplishments from those of your parents.

You write very well, and I need more help from you! As a bilingual person, you can help a lot of people. Please spend MORE time when you comment on someone else's essay. You often just write a single line, and it is not very helpful! Now that I see how well you write, I know you are able to be more helpful. So, please give a few lines of feedback to someone on the "unanswered" list. That is your homework. :-)

Graduate / 'Research project and industrial' - Personal Statement for MSc Energy and Environment [6]


I hope you find time to read The Body Electric by Becker. It is very complicated, but if you have enough knowledge to understand it you will really enjoy it.

I have no advice. You write so well, I think I need to take advice from you instead of giving advice.

If you want to improve this further, find a place to refer to some recent research studies about your particular topics of interest in chem. Know what I mean? You already do a great job, so the thing to do now is show that you read professional journal articles written by people doing the kind of work you want to do.

Other than that, I have no suggestions!

Writing Feedback / essay/ IELTS Animal testing is the only way to guarantee the safety of new products? [4]


Yeah, so I was saying you have to watch out because you are trying to make a strong argument. If you are trying to make a strong argument and you say something that is not necessarily true, the people watching the argument will have less confidence in you and your opponent will be able to spike the volleyball on you. :-)

And also, that other thing about less important uses, like cosmetic products... that is a common part of this debate over animal testing, so your paper is incomplete without it.

BTW I really doubt that a lot of money gets spent on anesthesia, because how would such regulations be enforced? People are always trying to cut costs. They don't anesthetize animals at the slaughterhouse, and they probably don't sufficiently anesthetize them for animal testing. Paralyzing them to make the work easier is not the same as anesthetizing them. So... this is an interesting subject! Important, too. I don't want to reincarnate as a cat and have people putting shampoo in my eyes!

Writing Feedback / TOEFL TOPIC:Newspaper is the best way of learning about a foreign country. [6]

The subject of the first sentence is "curiosity," not curious. Curious is an adjective, so it cannot be the subject of a sentence. The subject must be a noun.

So practice the way Murcho showed you several times. Thanks Murcho, we are lucky to have you here! :-)

Hey, you should capitalize Internet.

Also, I really like the clarity of the essay. You make a good argument to support a clear thesis. That is very good.

To improve your skill a very important chore is to write an essay about something you really care about. I don't think you really care so much about telling people about alternatives to newspaper. You write very well, and although Murcho fixed some errors you really have a lot of potential... so I hope you will write an essay soon about something you really care about.

For example, my sister recently lost a letter grade because she was unwilling to dissect a frog in biology class. She wrote an essay about it, and it really must have improved her writing.

You already know how to write a good thesis sentence and good paragraphs. Now I'll give you a homework assignment: write an essay about something you care about.

For this essay, you should add more discussion to the conclusion paragraph. :-)

Undergraduate / "The Dive" - Common Application Swimming Essay [9]


This is a good theme. This needs to be expressed at the start of the essay. It needs to be mentioned once or twice in the body of the essay, too. Let's have this be part of the theme... someone has faith in you, making you motivated, and then you exceed even your own expectations.

You confused the heck out of me with your combination of football and swimming. It is a little too mysterious!! Can you find places at the END of paragraphs to add some sentences to "spell it out" and ensure that the reader is not lost and confused?

If length is an issue, consider cutting the parts about football and focusing on swimming. Give brief references to details, to football, and to other subtopics, but cut out much of the discussion of details and make it so that every paragraph hammers home your theme, your concept with which to impress and intrigue the reader.

This essay is great, obviously, but confusing and full of unnecessary details. Still, I hope you can keep the part about the interception by the other team!! Very clever... :-)

Writing Feedback / "Riding a motorcycle in Vietnam" - Risk you have taken, why and was it worth it? [4]


hahaha you have nothing to worry about! The process of translation is common to all bilingual people, but you seem to have some real mastery. It is better to be bilingual and have to take time to mentally translate than it is to be monolingual. Keep practicing, and enjoy it! :-)

Writing Feedback / Why do we need music? The traditinal music of a country is more important than other? [3]

Below I'll give you some correct sentences to practice. Please type each sentence the correct way 10 times, and speak it aloud 10 times! :-)

Based on According to many achievements that they have been acquired advances made in recent decades by researchers, it is obvious that listening to music is essential and vital in today's life.

Hard work, traffic, noise pollution, economic problems and many stresses of the busy city and our bustling life cause many diseases like depression.

I personally think that music has a main role in relaxing us and in my idea it is the best psychologist.

Remember this: If we could, we would. If we can, we will. correct
If we can we would. incorrect
If we listen to music,we can forget all worries for some minutes and become lost in the moment. savor our wishes.

Writing Feedback / informative essay; human trafficking [3]

If it comes in second, it is not fastest.
Human trafficking is one of the fastest increasing criminal industry in today's world, coming in second after illegal drug-trade.

Check for small typos:
and are no employed...

It is acknowledged that woman and girls who are trafficked to commercial sex are the ones who will most likely be infected with HIV/AIDS (put a citation here).

The United States government is committed to the fight against
or
The United States government is committed to fighting against

Also stated on humantrafficking.org that : "The U.S. has assisted countries to enact anti-trafficking legislation, trained law enforcement officials, prosecutors, border guards and judicial officers on detecting, investigating, and prosecuting traffickers, and protecting victims and provided start-up equipment for new anti-trafficking police units" (paragraph X). ---- it is good if you put a paragraph or page number. Also, it really is best if you use the writer's name or the organization's name instead of just the web address. The web address goes in the reference list, but in the text cite the person or organization whose words you are using.

Anyway, this essay has a lot of potential. If you want to clean up the MLA, google this:
Purdue owl MLA

:-)

Undergraduate / My ex boyfriend - Person Who Impacted your life [7]


It took me a while to understand this... I see what you mean. He had taken up 90% of your attention and provided 90% of your fulfillment.

Well, the reason you think it is a stupid topic is probably that you intuit the fact that adults have trouble taking teenage relationships seriously. We say, "Oh, there are other fish in the sea" and stupid stuff like that. But actually, you can make this a great topic. Here is how:

Do not make it about YOUR relationship, but instead make it about your experience of discovering this phenomenon, this tendency of people to invest all their eggs in the basket of a boyfriend/girlfriend, and then lose their identity in the process.

This is a common human problem, and you now have great insight into it. Write this not about you and your relationship with all its details, etc. but instead about human nature and a tough lesson to learn.

And mention your professional goals! Remember, you will be a professional in your chosen field just a few summers and winters from now... like 5 or something. So get ready! Make this all about getting back on track academically and professionally. :-)

Writing Feedback / The Will of the Butterflies - An essay on any observation. [3]

I am impressed from the start.

Here is how I would write this sentence:
Somewhere amongst all in the chaos, a single butterfly spreads--- I think it is better if it is swifter, not stopped up by "amongst all" but... your way is just as good. This is just an idea for you to consider. I suspect I will not find many errors in this excellent piece of writing, so I'll give little ideas here and there.

At the end of the first para, consider replacing the dash with a colon and ... also, you need a question mark instead of a period at the end.

Survival is of course one of the most important aspects of life. ----- I think this is a laughable statement of the obvious, and I think you can find a more meaningful comment to make about survival at the beginning of this para. Reread the para and think about the possibility of improving this introductory sentence to the para. Writing "of course" does not make it okay to make a statement of the obvious... tweak it so that it says something more.

...whether it comes from requires the instinct to escape turmoil, the creation of the next generation of life cycling butterflies, or simply the passing down of traditions and memories of predecessors.

:-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL---Parents should help determining the future [12]

This is how I would write the last sentence of that first para:
And therefore, I hold a view that is opposite the view represented by the statement.

...between them and their children become less.

By allowing him making his own decisions, THEY accomplish something.
By allowing him making his own decisions, they make it possible for him to choose a better and more suitable direction for himself, so that he would develop his competence to the utmost.

You don't have to worry. I am pretty sure you will ace the test. You don't really have any errors... and your writing is more sophisticated than the writing of many native English speakers.

Undergraduate / An obstinate learner, Personal quality/Experience that is important to you. [9]

This prompt asks you to write about an event.

If the essay begins with this sentence, "I am an obstinate learner," the reader feels like it is missing the mark. Just take some inspiration and revise this so that it is about an event -- a learning experience that helped you to know about yourself. Settle in, and write a good paragraph to introduce the new version of the essay.

:-)

Writing Feedback / GRE Argument Essay "People should not a misled by the advertising competition... [5]


It's important to refer correctly to the conclusion that belongs to the author. Use an apostrophe, but do not capitalize author. Use "the"

The author's conclusion is based...

Do not capitalize this:
for health -conscious people...

Firstly, the author states that Cold-Away is more ...

Finally, the author's assumption of "older is better" makes...

Over the counter drugs require a comprehensive tests and clinical trial processes before they can be shelved by pharmacies and retailers.

:-)

Look up: logical fallacies list
You will find great discussions of logical fallacies so that you can refer to them when you write essays like this one.

Writing Feedback / GRE Issue Essay "Colleges and universities should offer more contemporary culture" [2]


Well, the reason it can be more relevant is that it is what is being created now and it reflects events that are happening now. I think you should add one more sentence to the first paragraph so that you can make your thesis very clear. Write a sentence that says exactly what you mean.


It's Edmund Burke. You can google the expression and read about him.

Don't capitalize unnecessarily:
Finally to conclude, author's argument that co lleges and...

and one more correction here:
...as students of tomorrow need to know how things in past have evolved to determine the future.

Undergraduate / A New Sense of Responsibilty - UF admissions essay [8]

hyphens:
well-rounded, open-minded

The diversity of the culture, language, and geography made South Africa a fascinating country to explore.---- this is a little too general. If you end the first para with this sentence, it seems too simple and general: S. Africa is fascinating. You can say something more interesting and meaningful.

... have the utmost faith in that person.

Okay, I see now that the essay is about responsibility for oneself and family. That is very good! I hope you will add another sentence to the end of the first paragraph. You need a thesis statement at the end of that para to show that the essay is about discovering your sense of responsibility and protective spirit.

:-)

It was only after my family told the story to my grandfather that I realized that I had, in that split second , taken responsibility for my whole family.

Undergraduate / 7 Year BS/MD Application Essay/Common App [7]

Hey, this has something great that not all essays have. You are keeping a meaningful theme in this essay: I don't look any different from other teenagers, but I have something that is motivating me and making me feel passionate about medicine.

So.. that is very good. I think you need to add a new sentence right after the first sentence of this essay so you can express this theme:

When you look at me, you see a typical teenage girl who is going through problems of everyday life. (add a sentence about an invisible motivator, something that you carry with you in your mind). If you get to know me and possibly ask me the question of why I want to be a doctor, I could tell you a little story about _____________ (give a good word here to express the meaning of the story).

What concept will you use? "..a little story about ________."

Also, it will be good if you cite some professional articles to show that you are already learning about the aspect of the medical field you want to enter. It will be great if you cite some authorities in the kind of medicine you want to practice. Read some recent articles for inspiration and citations! :-)

Undergraduate / "the complete story of my grandfather" - Help With Influential Person Essay [6]


This is a boring way to start, not very interesting or original. Can you find a clever way to say the same thing? A unique way, perhaps using an analogy or metaphor?

a time where when

However, I remember a nice man that loved to laugh as well as never stopping to and never stopped showing his undying love for his family.

...it would be from the U.S.

His death made me realize that even though nobody lives forever, their legacy will always remain as long as family passes their stories down to their family.---- well, something must be able to exist forever; otherwise the raw material of which we are made cannot exist. I am pretty sure consciousness exists on and on. :-)

Okay, I would like to see you introduce a memorable theme at the start and then mention it again at the end. Give this essay an overarching theme.

Graduate / Describe your motivations in becoming a Physician Assistan - Graduate School [6]


Boring first sentence!


This is a nice thought, but still nothing that is going to change my life as I read it... I'll keep going til I find the soul of the essay.

Oh... I see that the strength of the essay is in your very impressive experiences and accomplishments. The whole essay is very good... all except for the boring intro and a sort of too-general conclusion. The conclusion says general things, and the intro says some unimportant, unoriginal things about working hard now to avoid a life like your mother's. But actually it is not so good to compare "success" as a professional with whatever life becomes for people who lack education. This intro does not introduce YOUR theme; it just sort of tells the reader a little about your background.

Think of the intro and conclusion as a little like poetry. It is poetry about a concept that you will use as your theme. I think you can dig deep and find words to express the meaning and fulfillment that you see available to you in the health care industry. Revise the intro and conclusion during your next moment of inspiration! :-)

Undergraduate / UF Essay- My Experience With an Author. [8]

Ha ha, I am excited for you because you will really enjoy the book. It's one of my favorite things ever. It's great that you are going to do your homework!! :-)

Undergraduate / "to learn about what makes us human" - my professional goal and academic interest. [5]


This is a good sentence. The whole essay is very good. I like the concept, and I like your way of thinking. You are like others who commit to serving those who are suffering -- Thich Nhat Hanh, Mother Theresa, you are in good company!

So... can you make this longer by talking about areas in which you want to specialize? What will be your specialization, and what specific goals can you discuss? I think you did a great job already, but this seems so short. Is there a word limit, or can you write more?

If you have room to write more, you should add another sentence to the end of the first paragraph so that the thesis will express a theme that covers all subtopics of the essay. If you intend to add more material, add a sentence after this: "...bringing medical attention to places that are drowning in poverty and war. (add a sentence here)

:-)

Undergraduate / my moms struggle with addiction made me who i am today (university of florida) [5]

Be careful of this runaway sentence:
Don't get me wrong my mother was very loving; the only downfall was this disease called "addiction" that controlled her life. --I like Kathy's suggestion to fix it with a semi-colon.

I like your ending a lot. Weirdly, though, when you say you will not be a stereotype, what comes to mind for me is that it is a little stereotypical that you are focusing this essay on the mother's pill problem. It is sort of a stereotype to be the kid who is fixated on the parent's shortcoming and on the notion of having been forced to grow up too quickly. So, I want to make a suggestion:

This is supposed to be a narrative, so tell a story. Make it a story that shows how committed you are to psychology or whatever field you want to enter... whatever major you want at U of F. Tell a story that shows the teenage years of this person entering this field to make a big difference in the world.

What might a story be like if it is about the childhood of Clarissa Pinkola Estes? What might it be like if it is a story from your childhood? Tell the story, and make mom's pill problem only a tiny, tiny detail that you mention in passing. Make the story about YOU and what you represent as an aspiring psychologist. (or whatever you aspire to be)

:-)

Undergraduate / What does global university mean to you? (NYU Essay) [6]


Well, it got my attention when I saw the film Oldboy. What a great film... also, when I learned about taekwondo and its historical development, I though about how cool Korea is.

Hahahaha, vanilla is not boring to someone who is always seeing nothing but strawberry. Eat a lot of strawberry, and vanilla is a welcome change.

Great example, though. I like the way you write.

Let's give this last sentence another comma to make it powerful:
I am confident that, when I plunge into that massive sea that is the world, New York University will teach me how to swim.

I like everything about it! I search and search for ways to improve it because I want to benefit you, but you already did great. Who could read this and not be impressed?

I hope, though, that you'll find room to write about your plan for mastering a particular field and making a big splash as you begin your career. Give the reader a glimpse of your future.

Dissertations / Management / HR - Research topic suggestion - Journals, books, and other materials for PhD [7]

Well... what is this paper? It is a 'management research paper?' It probably is just an ordinary research paper to be written about a management topic.

So, what I hope you will do is this:

Go to a database with professional journal articles (I use questia, but you probably have a school library database to use.)

ENJOY searching for an article that really fascinates you. Just ONE. Find one that is brilliant and that includes a literature review. It also has to be one that was written less than 3 years ago.

Read the literature review and do a scavenger hunt to find some or the articles cited.

Lock yourself in a room and write paragraphs about all the articles you read. Even if you cannot find an article, you can mention it's main idea. Write a para about every article!

See what I mean? It all starts with one good, recent literature review.

Find a perfect literature review as a starting point. That is the best way. Choose the topic based on what appeals to you. :-)

Undergraduate / "the guiding philosophy behind my life" - vires artes mores- essay [6]


This material is good, but it does not fit in the essay. I don't like to advise you to chop good material, but really I think you can be bold and begin the essay with this sentence that really introduces the theme:

Most people wouldn't see strength in a story about not making the team. --- this is very interesting.

I also reflect intellectual strength. --- no, don't say "I reflect..." say something like "My process also reflects..." or "My accomplishments also reflect..."

Okay, by the end of that first para you have talked about all the virtues, but this will leave you with a thin essay. I hope you will revise in a way that allows you to go deep into ONE concept. That is what an essay is all about: going deep into a concept.

I like a lot of your sentences, and I like the way you brought it back to that theme of trying to be more than just a name. I guess this theme could possible pull it all together and be that concept that the whole essay is about... but that is tough. It is almost too cliche or typical to talk about how you are just a name, an application in a stack. It is too obvious to be a good theme. So.. I think you should take this great material and go deep into one concept -- one virtue -- and make a connection with your intentions for the future...

I'm suggesting a heavy revision so that you can go deep in your contemplation of a single concept instead of trying to cover everything.

:-)

Faq, Help / How do I delete a thread? [40]

What are you talking about? We try to set up a community where people can collaborate quite effectively, and when we encounter adversity we try to solve all problems that arise. If we add a little energy by helping people for free, then they can add value by helping each other and by allowing others to learn by reading their threads of collaboration. A lot of people benefit by participating here, and it is a "pure" kind of service because it is all about people contributing to one another's process.

If you do not read the TOS, you won't be able to proceed in a way that serves your interests. IF you do read the TOS but change your mind about your willingness to participate in the way that others do, then you can pay a fee to offset the time you cost us. But it's not as though we have hidden fees or something like that, and it's not as though we are getting rich by doing this.

Writing Feedback / Tracking down three citations in their original sources [4]


Here is one: Are there any obvious grammar errors?

I showed you an obvious errors here:
The first citation, "Research further suggests that the quality of early childhood programs is related to outcomes for children" (p. XX), can be considered ...--- you had originally written "it" in a way that made this a run on sentence.

I found another one like it:
As to the third citation, "teachers' qualifications make a difference in the students' achievement outcomes" (p. XX), this was stated clearly in Darling-Hammond (2000).

--- in that example, the word "this" made it a run on sentence just like "it" did in the previous example.

Study that point, and you will improve. I see no other obvious errors. You are doing very well! You write better than a lot of people I went to high school and college with in the United States!! ;-)

Writing Feedback / Originality? Is it a fiction since older ideas are mostly prefabricated into some new theories? GRE [6]


This is a case where I would use " " marks for "fusion."

Capitalize the i in that quote: As the old saying goes, "It is only...

Alright, so... I cannot really criticize this essay. It does everything just right. You could make a topic sentence that connects to the thesis a little better in paragraph 3 : "Fashion designers also take.." This seems like an abrupt subject change, but of course it is not. It is another example to support the main idea.

Well... okay, even though I think this essay is already perfect, you could make it better by adding one more sentence to the end of paragraph one so that you have a strong thesis like "Examples from evolutionary theory and the field of fashion design both demonstrate that..." and in this way the essay's "structure" will improve.

Know what I mean? Consider adding a sentence to that first paragraph.

Speeches / Speech about my self (and dream to be a soccer player) [5]

Many people like to call me "Idoonie" (well, mostly girls).

My ethnic background is part Turkish and part Chaldean. I speak Arabic and understand little of Turkish and Chaldean.

I have one brother and one sister, and both are older than me and in college.

My mom is just like any other -- caring, and willing to do anything for me.

...due to an infection in his blood during while being brought to the hospital. ---- did I fix this sentence correctly?

He was in the hospital because had a cancer called Leukemia. My dad was 62 when he passed away, only a couple of months short of turning 63. --- this is a very powerful part of the essay, and it really makes the reader connect with you. I think it should be given its own paragraph. Please divide the essay into paragraphs. One paragraph = one idea so an essay will have maybe 3 or 4 ideas.

Here is a new idea, so use it to start a new paragraph: I am a well-rounded person. I love to play the sports, including soccer, tennis, basketball, and football. I play soccer every year, on an indoor team and high school team, except for this year I am not doing soccer for Sterling Heights High School. The reason is that I pulled a muscle in my back in May of this year, which resulted in me going to physical therapy for a month; I am still recovering from my injury till today.

Again, start a new paragraph for new ideas:
Other miscellaneous characteristics reflect my personality. For example, one of my favorite foods to eat is sushi. I love to eat seafood. One of my hobbies is photography. I am really good at it, I enjoy taking pictures an keeping it for memories to come. Furthermore, one of my favorite movies is, "Goal: The Dream Begins." I recommend to all of you to watch it. It's about a kid like me chasing his dream to become soccer player. Can a man exist ...---- I like this paragraph, but did you notice that I had to add a TOPIC SENTENCE? I added a sentence to say something about how they all reflect your personality. The first sentence of any paragraph should say something about the main idea of the paragraph.

So, try dividing this into paragraphs, and google this:
how to write good topic sentences

:-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL- a part time job beneficial to students? [6]

At the start, I think I understand what you mean to say, but the sentence needs revision:

20-somethings nowadays are such active people that they feel hurried to grow up quickly. always challenge themselves to grow up. This is probably the ...

This sentence also needs some revision:

Above all, the first apparent benefit is income from my temporary jobs. Should i want to be an independent person, a part time job no doubt makes sense to me. --- now this is very good.

Capitalize "i" though!

Thanks to such sources, i could afford for my ...capitalize the i!!

:-)

I like a saying :" not everything learned contains in a book", which holds the idea regarding the role of experiences to master our knowledge. ---- I don't know how to fix this expression. It does not make sense properly, but I don't know how to fix it. Do you mean that not all knowledge can be found in books?

To sum up, the very advantages of a part time jobs would outweigh drawbacks like time demand.

In addition to monetary compensation, they teach me lessons about the nature of real life and how I can effectively work with people around me.

I'm glad you are a member of essayforum now!! Thanks for participating.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL:Ways of learning about life & Quickly made decisions are wrong [4]


Here, you give your thesis in a way that makes it sound like you will argue in favor of listening to advice, but at the end you say this:

In conclusion, the best way to learn for life is to combine listening to your parents and friends with personal experience.

I think you should revise the thesis statement so that it says this same thing: that a combination of both is what is best. That way, you will be saying the same thing in the thesis and in the conclusion.

Also, fix the thesis this way: In conclusion, the best way to learn about life is to combine listening to your parents and friends with personal experience.

:-)

I like the second essay a lot, but I think you should give more discussion in the conclusion. Talk about the implications. Also, talk about "intuition." I think the second essay is stronger, and I am quite impressed by it. I like your example about a multiple choice test. Indeed, our first instinct is often best (but not always!).

Writing Feedback / Communicating information has been a primary and constant necessity for people [5]

Communicating information has been a primary and constant necessity of human beings throughout the long history of our civilization, by which we build...--I made some small changes here.

To start with, books can be regarded as the torchlight lighting up the darkness we explored and enlightening millions people during the eras of intellectual monopoly revolution.

Indeed, books are the essence of knowledge about science and culture which cover a great range of subjects. ---- good!

In other words, people need something more effective to communicate, and of course, comics meet this need. At first, comics always appeared to be single pictures, which simply but directly expressed ideas in an interesting way.

In only seconds, folks could get the main idea from comics (then burst into laughter) while they could hardly receive such punch lines from books.

By contrast, content seems to be a weakness of comics.

Overall, the process of our advancement in communication will continue moving forward.

Far from alone, our technology also will do so. Our other technologies will likewise continue to advance.

Every method of communication has its cons and pros, and what to choose depends on one's preference.

Practice all of these correctly written sentences ten times each! You should practice typing the correct way, because only through repetition in typing can you reprogram your brain to have perfect grammar.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Where do you want to go to college?" - Help With Admission Essay [3]

You are a good writer, so it will be a shame if your essay does not make the big impression that you are able to make. Being a good writer is like having good aim when you try to blow out birthday candles, but good aim in candle extinguishing is not useful unless you take a deep breath. The deep breath, in this weird analogy, is the CONCEPT you are writing about.

When I look at this essay, I try to come up with 3 concepts that will help me know you. I can't find them! "I know what my core family values and principals are, but.." but you do not discuss them..the writing is obviously good, but I want you to try my strategy.

Think of 3 ideas that define you. The topic sentence (first sentence) of each paragraph will express powerfully one of these 3 ideas. So that is 3 body paragraphs.

I hope you can apply that idea while keeping some of these sentences, because you have some excellent sentences. It's important, though, to leave the reader with some excellent concepts to remember you by.

Writing Feedback / 'It was a crisp October morning'; Innovation needs one thought, one person. [3]

This is very well-written! I don't have much to say about the writing, because you have a very sophisticated way of writing that does not need me to mess with it. I do have something to say about the concepts, though:

I think there is some wisdom to the statement made in the prompt, and although you are arguing against it you can add a dimension to this essay by briefly acknowledging the truth to which the statement refers. If you give a sentence or two to show that you understand what it means, your own argument will have more strength, because you'll have shown that none of the statement's meaning was lost on you.

Undergraduate / "n experience that will alter my life and future" HOW PURDUE HELP YOU ACHIEVE GOALS? [8]

And even if I had thought about it, Chemistry would have been as far from my mind as Inner Mongolia is to everyone who's not from Inner Mongolia. ---- this is a great sentence. Even though I think this sentence is very clever, I wish you did not have to use the word recently. I wish this intro could refer to the way your attitude was 2 years ago. That way you do not have to emphasize the idea that you had no plans until recently. It really is better to focus on what driving force has been influencing you for a long time.

Looks like you accidentally made ever since one word: eversince.

Hey, I see that you hated chem prior to grade 7, so that means you can make the adjustment I was thinking of. Don't say recently. Make it so that you have been a chem enthusiast for a few years if possible.

:-) your writing style is great!