Writing Feedback / IELTS: taxing private car owners heavily in order to solve traffic problems [3]

You have wasted lots of time here. Just do one sentence to enter into your essay topic and then introduce the background of the issue by paraphrasing the topic. There is no harm in opening the essay with a sentence that describes the issue. It is nicer to have a hook, but even without the hook, it reads well.

Stick with the approach I and Pahan have suggested to you in one of your previous threads.

Writing Feedback / Success is only getting big reward or collecting money or something special [10]


For each new essay, you need to open a new thread. On your right hand side at the top, you find the icon "New Thread". Click on that and you will be navigated to the page "Start a New Thread". Now follow eddies instructions;


It's importnat that you select the right forum and have a meaningful topic for your essay. Also include the purpose (TOEFL, IELTS etc.) in the title itself :)

Writing Feedback / Toefl writing; "Can money buy you happiness?" - use money in a proper way [10]

People can use money to Invest in your interests. Doing the things that you do like it, use money to make more convenientlead a quality life, do what they love to do etc. For instance, first time when iIgo went to mountain for skiing (no full spot) I found it iswas really hard to control the balance and determined the direction that iI wanted it to go

Writing Feedback / Doing work by machine? Work by hand is always easier, cheaper and eco friendly [8]


.... this may not be always true :D ... checking is sometimes necessary for every action you performed. Also, generally, the machines are supposed to be more accurate than humans. So, be careful when you make generalized statements.


This again is not always true. For example, hand painted stuff are much more expensive than machine printed things.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Practice - knowledge gained from experience or knowledge gained from books [4]

One of the reasons why it is becauseso is that books are great source of information and come from differentsdifferent experiences.


.... your idea is not at all clear :( Better rephrase to enhance its effect.

In addition, when the people gained knowledge from experience,probablesuch knowledge is more likely to retain in our memory more time and start tohelping us develop more self-confidence.

Writing Feedback / The prons and cons of the Internet [7]

What is the purpose of this writing? Is it practicing for IELTS or TOEFL?

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Ages of the populations chart - Yemen vs Italy [4]

First, you need to upload your image with the essay. Then only others can verify what you have written against the graph to provide you with more meaningful feedbacks :)

Use the Attach file(s) feature in the Message block to upload the image. Then follow the approach suggested by Pahan for this task. It would help you earn a good score at the exam.

Writing Feedback / Cities are the Ideal place to study Societies [8]

Yes, you've got it. Also, stick to a particular essay structure ( the one we suggested above is very good in terms of earning a good score plus managing time effectively) so that you would not waste time on a particular section at the exam. The most important aspect is to complete the task on time with all essential features to earn a decent score.

Writing Feedback / It is better to use money for improving our planet than space exploration [4]


There is lots of redundancy in the first part of this sentence. Keep your writing more clear and straight;
Further, the global climatic conditions keep changing and affect the survival of the earth seriously.


Present your ideas more clearly. Do not unnecessarily lengthen your sentences.
Follow the approaches above and re do this essay and post it here for our feedbacks :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Many old buildings protected by law are part of a nation's history. [8]

Secondly, some people think they should not change their buildings . For example, in my country there is a building that ishad never changedgone through any change .

You need to tell why such buildings should be preserved as they are. You need to align your writing more with the prompt.

Writing Feedback / Tim Hortons vs Starbucks // gr9 personal [4]

As a consumer, you'd want to buy from the company that sells products which best suits your needs as well as your values when it comes to receing your items without any disappointment.and leaves no disappointment with you after the purchase.

Everyone living in Canada has heard about Tim Hortons, and a majority of the population enjoys the experience with itscompaniesgoods.products. When bringing up a conversation about Tim Hortons, many will express their love for their tasty drinks and well madecooked and processed foods.

Writing Feedback / Watching movies vs. reading the original books [4]

Well, this is a very good essay. However, you better include specific examples to support your reasons that you use to justify your opinion.

Writing Feedback / SAT Essay: Do we value only what we struggle for? Kindly grade. [6]



Yes, it is always good to include your prompt to understand better what it really requires from you. It helps us align our comments with task related requirements :) Now we do not have a

proper idea about what your topic suggests. :(
In my view, you need to provide reasons for justifying your opinion in the body paras and then support them with examples. Why not you post your full prompt so that we can check and let

you a proper approach for your essay.

Writing Feedback / Ielts: complaint letter - dissatisfaction with the T-shirt [4]


First, give them some reference to trace your purchase and then tell the reason for writing the letter. For example;
Dear Sir/ Madam,
I am xxxxxx who purchased a garment from your shop in ???? (tell the branch address where you purchased the item) on the 8th May 2014 under the billing reference ?????.

However, I am writing this letter to express my dissatisfaction with the item purchased by me.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Global warming is one of the most serious issues in the world. [3]


... wrong grammar :(
one of the cases
Global warming is one of the extremely dangerous issues that the world is facing today.


This is not really necessary to tell.... In fact your intro reads better without it since this sentence is not adding any value to the flow of your intro. The reader expects you to do that and there is no need to stress upon it.

Writing Feedback / Talent vs hard-working; importance of environment, desire outweigh any endowment [6]


Nice saying :) Good hook to open your essay :)


This is not actually what your prompt says -


It talks about born talents vs trained talents. So you need to align your writing accordingly. When you tell your reader about the background of the issue, tell the issue in its original sense. Easiest way to do that is to paraphrase the prompt :)

Writing Feedback / Government impose heavy tax on air traffic to reduce noise pollution [4]

First, I have a small admin request. You should open all IELTS related threads in the Writing Feedback forum which is the most appropriate forum for IELTS essays. This has been transferred from Grammar Usage to Writing Feedback :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Happiness - factors and importance; "small gap between birth and death" [12]


.... You need to elaborate a little more on this point before giving the example as it does not look like a more direct and obvious factor.

Further, and more importantly, being thick skinned too is an important factor that keeps us happy. If a person is over sensitive to other's reactions, then it is difficult to pursue his or her goals.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Travel to and from UK and popular countries visited by BRITON [7]

This is a task which is aimed at assessing your report writing skills. Therefore the tone you adopt for this task should sound more formal;


... I personally feel you need to adopt a more report writing tone here.
It seems you follow an appropriate approach for this task.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Jakarta - Some people prefer to eat at restaurants than eat at home [6]

There are few things that to which you need to pay your attention. First, include your prompt in the post so that we know exactly what your prompt is expecting you to do. Accordingly we can align our comments , which would be more meaningful :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Administrations often invest in the art such as music and theater. [8]

Administrations often invest money in the art such as music and theater. ManyHowever, some people disagree with that, they think that it is a waste of money. In their view, the governmentGovernment must spend of money infor public service, instead of spending on art related activitiesbecause they think that it more essential than invest in art . While some people agree,iI disagree with this idea because art too is important for our live s beside public service . This essay will examine the topic above with more details.

Writing Feedback / Many charities can society get if government investment money in arts activities [5]


This sentence is very confusing. You need to rephrase this line to deliver your idea clearly to the reader.


..."if" is not the appropriate word to use for this idea;
Some people believe that such investing money on such purposes is a waste of government funds.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Global warming "serious issue" [2]

Nowadays, earthThe earthbecomesis becominghotter and hotter everydaythan previousapproximately one hundred years agoThis is caused global warming.and this condition is called global warming.

Global warming is the process involved with rising averageraising temperature average,of sea, and earth land. It is one of the major issues that is faced today.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Stress is problem in many countries around the world. [6]


You need to align your writing with the prompt. Your prompt first asks you what are the factors that contribute to a stressful situation. So, you need to answer that first in this para. What is the contributing factor that hides behind the above sentences? I think it should be either competition or goals in life. You need to give more emphasis to the factors and then elaborate on them. For example;

To begin with, competition is one of the main factors that creates lots of stress in people. For example, for one to earn a promotion in his career, he has to compete with his colleges that may cause so much stress in him or her.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Most people attend schools in order to be prepared for future careers [5]


This is not a very strong beginning. It should be a more meaningful sentence. When you say that everyone should have a degree that sounds somewhat stereotype.


This is a good point :)


Universities and colleges do have large student bodies that create many networking opportunities for their students.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Practice - knowledge gained from experience or knowledge gained from books [4]

First, there are few things you need to follow when you open a new thread. Include your prompt in your post so that others get a clear idea about what it expects from you and they can provide more meaningful feedbacks accordingly. :)


Well, this looks like your introduction. However, it lacks the features that help you score for this task.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; modern telecommunication devices & their benefits to human [3]

Some people think that new telecommunication tools have many positive impacts toon peoplecitizens , but others do not think so.
In my opinion, new telecommunication tools support manyhel p people in every subjectaspect of life, and people can connect with other personality appropriatelyenabling people to stay connected with other people more efficiently and effectively.


In your previous sentence you already stated your opinion and it was the other side of what you have written above. So this sentence sounds controversial. What is your real opinion? You need to tell that to the reader.

Writing Feedback / Task II : Internet, the most significant invention in the last 30 years [5]


Well, this is what a hook - An essay's 'hook' is the wording in the first paragraph that attracts the reader and makes them want to continue to read.

So, this is not really paraphrasing the prompt. It is some interesting idea said in a very exciting manner so that it would instantly impress your reader about your writing skills. However, the hook should be meaningful and relevant to your topic and would arrange a good entrance to your essay. If this sounds like a bit difficult task, as Pahan suggests, begin with the second part , the background which is much easier to do. Background you can do by paraphrasing the prompt.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1: Electricity source in Australia and France over a-20 year [6]


The pie chart illustrates / The pie charts illustrate


Here you have forgotten the rule :D .... OVERVIEW( state the main trend/ trends in the graph. Don't give detail such as data here) .... So, you should not have data in this overview. They should go to your detail body paras.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Different age group work in economical sector [9]

Well, if you read our advice carefully, I mean mine, Pahan's, eddie's and other contributors, you get just one clear message. That is to understand the appropriate approach for the task (I think you do understand this substantially ) and then present your ideas clearly to the reader. Your problem that I see is you give too much priority to present your vocabulary knowledge and that get you to make lots of errors in your sentences. Try to think simple and present your ideas in a simple tone. As you progress, you naturally improve with your vocabulary too.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Table of poverty living in Australia [5]

As per the table, sole parents had been trendaccounted as the highest familial type living in poverty by 21 % of the overall percentage total Australians in poverty in 1999 accounting to 232,000 people .


What does this mean? It sounds so confusing :( what is this five fold increase and full loan? You should be very careful in the detail paras as they deal with lots of figures and data. The reader tends to get more confused in these detail paras and it is your responsibility to present data in a logical way without presenting them in more complex sentences.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2: Problems encountered by students in abroad [9]


Avoid this type of statements in your intro. Be more straight forward and it is good to conclude your intro with a thesis statement by explaining your view on the issue. Your thesis statement should be very clear to the reader.

First of all, Many of the young people who study in anotherother countries will face the problem of language barriers because there would be always a difference between native and nonnative speaker

Writing Feedback / IELTS - the reasons why people travel and the benefits of it. [5]

First, I have a small admin request :) You should open IELTS threads in Writing Feedback forum which is the most appropriate forum for that. This had been moved form Essays to Writing Feedback.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2:How important is it for students to have homework?? [5]

Each student would come to know where they stand in theiras they progress, if they take up these exercises at home without assistance of a teacher or other students.

It is not possible tofor an instructor to examine each student on a daily basis whether they are following the lessons or not.to ensure that they have understood the lessons properly.

You write well... how about time? Were you able to finish this essay on time?

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1: Oil production capacity for several gulf countries [4]

I have already commented about the approach that we recommend you to follow for this task in your other threads. As per that, you need to have an Overview after the Introduction and in this essay I don't fin an overview.


Well, your graph does not mention anything about profits, but it simply presents the details of oil production capacity of each country listed there. In this task, it is very important that you should not talk about things that are not presented by the image or graph. This is a report writing task in which you report what you see only.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 : Birth rates of China and the USA - comparison percentage [2]


You need to improve your Overview. - state the main trend/ trends in the graph to give your reader an overall picture about what the image presents. Don't give detail such as data here.

This is what I suggest for your Overview;
Overall, both countries have experienced a decline in birth rates at the end of the period under review while China recording much lower birth rate compared to that of the USA.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Global warming is warming up of the earth to produce greenhouse gases [4]

Well, you need to have at least 4 paras in your essay for this task if you aim at a decent score. You also need to meet the minimum word count requirement. These four paras need to contain an introduction, 2 body paras (minimum) and a conclusion. What you've written above does not meet these requirements :(

Is it just a part of your essay or the full essay?

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Birth rates in China and the USA from 1920 to 2000 [3]

The graph illustrates birth rates in china and the USA from 1920 to 2000. Both of these countries have different number of birth rates.
The first part is enough for your intro!

This is not a proper Overview. Talk about the most obvious trend/ trends in the overview.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Learn by self better than with a teacher [7]

Well, for this task, the best is to have a 4 para structure that contains an intro, two body paras and a conclusion.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Worldwide water usage in Brazil and the Democratic Republic of Congo [2]


One image is a graph and the other is a table - so you need to introduce them separately;
The graph provides information on global usage of water by different sectors while the table presents data on water consumption per person in two different countries.


.... this is my suggestion for your overview;
Overall, the water was mostly used by the agriculture sector and least used for domestic purposes . Brazil being more populated and having more irrigated land, the water consumption per person has been much higher compared to Congo.