Writing Feedback / first impression about a person´s character - toefl [4]


Great hook. It is an interesting thought, clearly expressed and relevant to your topic. Well done!
When we talk about a person's character, there are a lot of factors, which influence the first impression of him or her.


.... Since your prompt talks about the other sided of the argument also, it is better you mention about that too;
Some people believe that first impression about a person reveals a lot about his or her character while others feel it is not contributing to a fair judgment.


... Make your opinion sound more simple;
I too agree that such judgement could be proved wrong later when you get to know the person better.

Writing Feedback / Nowadays it is easy to apply for and be given a credit card. -- ielts [7]


This is mostly a risk for the bank, but not for the consumer. The actual risk for the consumer is that he may sometimes be caught up in credit card scams. Nowadays there are many credit card frauds take place, especially with online payments. Another disadvantage with credit cards is that the consume tends to purchase things without having an actual need. Also, he wouldn't realize his capacity for spending at the time of purchase.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task I : Describing Map Chorleywood Area [11]


You should not talk about the technical presentations like "horizontal shaded area", "darkly shaded area". Here they expect you to present a meaningful analysis of what you see. So, let me do this first detailed body para for you ;

In 1868 to 1883, Chorleywood Village had remained as a very small village. During the period of 1883 to 1992 there had been a significant development taken place around the railway station making the village about three times larger than what it was. From 1922 to 1970 the development had been expanded towards eastwards and westwards. The biggest development of the village had been carried out during 1970 to 1994.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - TASK1 - BAR CHART - average bed use in three typical hospitals [7]

Yes, we need the diagram for giving meaningful comments.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - "Health is wealth " ; average weight of people is increasing [5]

If we analysisanalyse the causes for thebeing overweight, the first and f oremost reason will be the urban life style .

I too feel that you need to adopt a more appropriate structure for this task.

Writing Feedback / IETLS Task II : News Editor decide to broadcast or print in news paper [4]

You will very soon. But, instead of re-writing other's articles (I saw couple of such essays you've posted on EF) I think it is better you keep writing your own essays on IELTS topics. However, pay attention to every comment that dumi provides. If you practice according to here instructions, you will keep improving for sure :) She is pretty good at getting our essays aligned with the prompt and task requirements :)

Writing Feedback / I am applying Semester at Sea and I just want feedback! [2]

Since youthmy very young days , I have been listening to my father tell thefather's stories of adventures he had when he once traveled around the globe.


This sentence is very long and therefore it does not flow well.
These stories convinced me that travelling is the best way to have one's perspectives broadened because it offers ample opportunities to explore new cultures and meet new people.

Writing Feedback / GRE1. dependence on technology weaken thinking ability [3]


First, thinking ability of people would be further fine tuned by the influence of technology.


... this is a confusing sentence :( I guess this is what you mean;
Technology helps us acquire valuable information and thereby improve our thinking ability. For example, the help offered by Internet and computers cannot be measured in terms of improving our anlytical skills.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK I Fitnes Membership [3]


You need to pay lots of attention to grammar :( This you need to re do for sure :) Also, remember this is to test your report writing skills. So you need to adopt a report writing style.

In 1970, there had been 2000 male memberships which grew double to 4000 memberships in five years time.

Writing Feedback / Parents are most selfless well-wisher of children - IMPORTANT QUALITIES OF A GOOD SON OR DAUGHTER [5]

Ok, this is the structure of introduction we generally suggest for this task.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: On road transport in a number od European countries [2]


.... The highlighted parts are not delivering your idea clearly. You need to rephrase them :(
It's better to paraphrase your title. Specify the type of charts (in this case they are bar charts)
The bar charts provide information on road transport in seven European countries.


Overall, car had been the favorite mode of transportation by European countries
Your diagram is too small for me to see the details of the graphs :(

Writing Feedback / "why a new global language is absolutely necessary for a new world.?" [7]


Then why you give so much emphasis on writing? I feel speaking the most important facet of a language and even the technology supports moving towards audio communication. So if your concentration is more on a global language, I think it is not fair to give more emphasis on writing.

You have written the above very well :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 - Describing chart - help me to correct if any mistakes! [6]

Where is the diagram? You need to upload it for us to give you more meaningful comments. Use the Attached file(s) feature in the Message block to upload the diagram. :)

Writing Feedback / Is experience better than book? [5]


First of all, both books and experiences lay the foundation of knowledge.


.... very good sentence


Before coming to this point, you need to contrast the theoretical knowledge with the knowledge you acquire through experience.
You write quite well :)

Graduate / Master Motivation Letter - Copenhagen Business School [2]


In my final year in college, I also had the privilege to do an internship at the local branch of the Chevron Corporation. By working there as an Expeditor, I acquired a sound basic knowledge about Supply Chain Management.


It was one of the most rewarding experience for me, working shoulder to shoulder with the buyers and category managers in order to ensure that the production teams would not run out of supplies.

Scholarship / Scholarship essay: "Are you sure you want to do Industrial Engineering?" [3]


well, I don't really see a need for talking about gender equality here because there are ample number of women engineers in the world and there is hardly any barrier for a woman to pursue an engineering filed if she's got right credentials and interest. May be majority women do not opt to become engineers by choice. So, I feel you may have touched that aspect rather than talking about gender equality because it sounds a bit out of a topic discussion.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task I : Male and Female Fitness Membership [5]


This is not a fair introduction because it is not about increase of fitness. Even at a glance you can see the numbers have dropped in some years. (from 1995 to 2000) Keep your introduction very open to introduce the title of your essay. All what you've got to do is to paraphrase the title and present it to the reader. Also, you should include the time period if any such period is involved with the graphical presentation.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Full-time and Part time Education in Britain [4]

It is better you presented these details in a manner of analysis. I mean compare the figures of males and females or the year recorded highest numbers and the lowest numbers. What you've written above do not present any comparison or analysis.

It seems you have an understanding of overall structure. But make your writing more presentable.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: SCIENTISTS VS POLITICIANS - Who have the greatest influence on our lives? [5]

Your body paragraphs need to contain specific examples to support your reasoning.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - Reasons of choosing dangerous sports or activity. [9]


I think you need to answer the question -


, in a more convincing manner. Tell why these people want to be noticed, in other words you need to tell us why these people are psychologically motivated to take all risks associated with these sports. Is it money? or fame? or anything else? Tell this reasons first and give specific examples to support these reasons.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 : About athletes's Income [7]


.... you need to improve and align this sentence more with your topic;
It is certainly true that lots of sports stars earn much higher salaries compared to the professionals in other important fields.


However, some of these professionals make very important contributions to society, I do not see it is unfair for the sports stars to earn such high income.

Writing Feedback / Nowadays it is easy to apply for and be given a credit card. -- ielts [7]


... I really don't see or understand any meaning of the first part of this sentence. Your hook should be more interesting and come up with a punch to the reader.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task II : Pros and cons of Credit card [8]


This is great advice :)
On the contrary, credit card encourages people to spend money on things they do not have any real need.


The previous sentence means the same and therefore this one becomes redundant. Better leave this sentence out.


Also, this is about how credit cards influence people to get tempted with their buying decisions.

Undergraduate / My name is Aminu but people call me yakasai [8]


I also like to learn new languages such as French, Spanish etc. because they help me get connected with the world better and also broaden my perspectives. I also find great amusement in learning languages over the funny mistakes I make in the process of learning.


Add this to the previous para because in that you talk about everything you love to do. Don't have a separate para for that.

Writing Feedback / I was a rebel I was a trouble maker; Epiphany in My Life [6]


I wanted -------> I didn't want
I didn't want to make easy money anymore.


.... sounds a bit repetitive
I wanted to make money but not neither easy way nor through hard labor.


After my friend got arrested, I realized the danger of making easy money due to not having a proper education. So I began to feel the value of education.

Writing Feedback / Nowadays, food travels thousands of miles from the farm to the consumer. --ielts [8]


Yes, the reader expects you to justify your position in the argument. So you need to keep giving reasons to support your position.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay - Compare and contrast you and your parents way of living [3]


Incompatibility issues between generations are an issue of all times.


Now you need to relate the first sentence to your topic as your introduction should introduce the objective of your topic to the reader;
It is the same in case of the generation gap between my parents' and mine too. Mainly, our generation loves leading a much faster life compared to our what our parents did

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING SKILL 1 : Global water use by sector and in 2 different country [11]

You need to improve the structure and hope you would follow dumi's suggestion.

the The line graph shows global water use in 3 different sectors in 19th century. Moreover, theThe table is indicatingpresents the details of the water consumption in 2varingcountriesBrazil and Congo in 2000.

Avoid phrases like "moreover" . This is a task that aims at assessing your report writing capabilities. So, adopt a more formal tone in your writing that is more suitable for reporting your observations.

Writing Feedback / IELTS ; Should tax be paid ? Advantages and Disadvantages [9]


Governments don't operate countries, but govern countries.
The government needs to generate revenue to meet its expenditure that needs to be spent on developing a country.


Why do you particularly talk about Indonesia? This topic is a broad one that covers all governments across the globe. In the body paras, you can have this as an example.But do not have examples in your introduction.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task II : Do you believe studying hard will bring better life, Agree disagree [2]


.... hey, "economic prosperity" is quite a technical jargon meaning that everybody has a job or that everybody's well off. It is not an appropriate usage for a simple personal task like studying :( you can talk about economic prosperity of a country, but not a house or a person.


Both these sentences fail to provide the reader with a clear meaning :( You need to fix this problem soon as this is going to put you in deep trouble. Try to express your ideas in a more simple way with simple, yet interesting words.

Writing Feedback / IELTS General writing task II:Advantages and disadvantages of using mobile phones [5]


Hey... this does not sound like a usual topic :)
Although they have become a necessity to our life, cellular phonesthey also bring about adverse effects as well.


I feel this is not really necessary. You mentioned they have both advantages and disadvantages and it is implied that you are going to talk about them.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task I : Describing Map Chorleywood Area [11]

RegardingAccording to the map Chorleywood is divided into nine blocks which is changing in a-four different periods.


Well, these roads haven't changed over time. It is only the developments that have been taken place.


.... better write in past tense as this happened in the past.
Follow this structure;
1. Introduction
2. Overview
3. Details

Undergraduate / Option #4: Describe a place or environment where you are perfectly content. [2]


Home is where I feel I am perfectly content. It is not about a particular spot in my house, but it can be anywhere I have the company of my family members, be it the living, dining, bed room or even attic or garage.


Without making statements about their unconditional love, tell them a few examples of moments you experience in their company and what you felt and how you enjoyed.

Undergraduate / My name is Aminu but people call me yakasai [8]


very good sentence. You not only give details of your family but add more meaning to that description :)


Well, since you are talking about your siblings, better have a sentence that has something to do with them. This sentence sounds a bit detached. Tell something that has a better emotional appeal :)

Nigeria where I studied art because I wanted to become a lawyer.

Writing Feedback / Some employers are giving increased importance to social skills --ielts [10]

Workplace is distinctly different from school whichsuccess is measured by qualificationswhere the success of a student is determined by his or her credentials.


... why do you say schools provide self learning environments? Of course there are teachers in school who guide and assist students in their learning process. This sentence confuses me :(


However, in a work place, it is the team work that matters more.

Writing Feedback / Task 2. Crime and Punishment. IELTS [9]

I can see others have provide you with very good comments. Pay attention to your essay structure and alignment of your writing with your prompt (that is what dumi and eddies have stressed in their comments). I thought of telling about the time factor as this you need to complete in roughly 25 mins, isn't it so? So, do not unnecessarily lengthen it :( Four or Five para essay would be fine for this task, but make sure you follow dumi' structure.

Research Papers / Parvovirus and canine distemper; Review on two animal diseases [4]


Vomiting, bloody diarrehea, necrotic debris and intense dehydration may appear during 5-7 days of lasting acute course. ... I hope this is what you mean. I am not very familiar with medical terms and if my suggestion is appropriate, just leave it out :D

This is very interesting writing. You have written nicely and I didn't find any mistakes :)

Graduate / Letter of Motivation - program in Management / social sciences, law and business [7]


Hey this sounds like a poem. I don't think "once upon a time" would do any good for your sentence :( .... Better avoid that !


Why do you say its your first ever English lesson? What's the connection with this incident and your English learning? That's pretty too abstract :( It's actually not clear why you wanted to tell that story. You need to have a better connection!

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task II : Male and female number in University (re-write) [5]

Gender equality in university acceptance is becomehas become a controversial issue. Although some people think it is important for universities to equalize the number of male and female students intake forin each subjectssubject , while the others aresayings against it. Therefore I might agree with the latter.I too disagree that universities should accept equal number of male and female students for their courses.

Writing Feedback / toefl - governments should spend more money improving on roads or public transportation? [3]


topic of transportation? Hey that sounds too broad. What is tough about transportation? You need to specify!
Follow this structure for your introduction.