Writing Feedback / IELTS2 - governments, companies and people have equal responsibilities for combating global warming [3]

It will be difficult for me to review your essay in terms of proper content and topic discussion representation because you did not provide the original prompt with your essay. That is a major requirement if you want to get a proper and complete review from a contributor at this forum. All you will get for now is a general review. There are several global warming topics for this task so I cannot review your paper based on a particular topic, I might end up giving you the wrong advice.

I advice students who will participate in this thread not to offer discussion advice either. Avoid making mistakes or giving useless advice to other students just to show forum participation. If you are not sure about what to say, or you have nothing to say, it is best for students to say nothing at this forum. Leave the advising to the contributor instead. Do not plagiarize contributor advise. Do not provide the prompt for the student either. Make a mistake with that and the student will receive incorrect and inapplicable advice. The student must provide the prompt with every essay for review.

You definitely wrote too many words for this essay. While typing 342 words is impressive, I am left wondering if your 342 words actually adheres to the original prompt topic and discussion requirement. Students oftentimes think, as per the wrong advice of their other tutors, that simply writing as many words as you can will assure of you of a passing grade. That is incorrect advice. The examiner is not focused on the word count, he is focused on your prompt responsiveness. If your essay is long, but runs counter or does not discuss the topic in the expected format, then writing those words were useless. Focus on 275-290 words for your writing. Then spend the rest of the time double checking your work. Check for spelling and sentence format errors, incorrect vocabulary usage, and, most importantly, prompt responsiveness. I would have been able to show you how to do this using this prompt if you had provided the prompt requirement with your post. Kindly provide it next time.

Familiarize yourself with UK English spelling requirements. While spelling in American English is acceptable, the examiner will be more impressed if you learn to use British words and UK spelling for words that have American English word equivalents. Hence:

Behaviors (American) = Behaviours (UK)

In addition to that, you should brush up on your word familiarity when it comes to writing English words. Not all words are written as 2 separate words, there are some words written as one word such as:

water power = waterpower

Additionally, your LR has problems:

Manufactures means to create a product, a manufacturer is the one who owns the manufacturing plant that manufactures the product. Therefore:

Manufactures (The manufacturer) could repair the broken parts..

Now, based on the correction indicated above, you should be using the singular form of the word "products". You made reference to only one manufacturer, so the noun should be in singular form (Manufacturers = Products ; plural form for both)

These are the general errors I found in your essay. I can give you a better review next time, provided you give me a copy of the discussion topic along with your essay.

Scholarship / Magister of Human Rights Law and Policy - AAS (Australia Award Scholarship) [3]

The first paragraph is superfluous. It does not add to the information regarding why you have chosen your proposed course. You must delete that whole paragraph. The better presentation of your response would be to use 2 specific reasons from the current second paragraph, developed as individual paragraph responses to each question. It should be something like the outline below:

Why did you choose your propose course?
My undergraduate thesis was about ...issue in my hometown. I want to change the circumstances....problem in Indonesia.

Why did you choose your institution?
I choose Magister of Human Rights Law and Policy...International Human Rights Law. In 2019, I joined a seminar ...Master of Law Program, UNSW

Those are the two discussion points that you should expand upon in your revised essay. You should respond directly to the questions, in individual paragraphs based on relevant information in the shortest way possible. The statement has a word or character maximum so you have to make sure that you meet the word requirement. If you don't then your online application could be rejected or cut midstream by the text box you will be filling out. Err on the safe side, keep it short.

Writing Feedback / Building more sports facilities as the efficient way to promote public health. Any other measures? [2]

You should not write more than 290 words for the task 2 essay. Granted you can type even a thousand words in a CBT setting, because you type fast. However, typing fast, using a lot of English words, and actually responding to the essay requirements are different things. Allot time for grammar and spellchecking. Review the paragraphs and shorten the presentation to create a more cohesive presentation. Shorter but completely discussed essays are scored better than long essays that take too long to get to the point. The examiner wants to know that you can present your thoughts quickly, without the use of over expanded discussion points or word fillers. Both of which tend to lower your scores.

Long essays do not mean that you wrote a proper essay, used correct vocabulary, and developed proper sentences. It only means you know a lot of English words and have excellent finger dexterity, neither of which are the actual basis of your Task 2 score. However, a reasonable length essay presentation normally allows you to review your work for accuracy and oftentimes, results in a better score than a simply long essay.

In formal writing, you should avoid the use of shortened words or conjunctions. It is a sign of disrespect to the examiner and shows that you lack in proper English grammar education. Therefore "It'd" should be completed presented as "it would". Grammar points will be reduced with every conjunction. Additionally, you should focus on concise word presentations. Do not confuse the reader with phrases like "definitely attract". Word reference clarity is important to the examiner. Simply saying "attract" would have had an increased GRA scoring effect.

You do not offer an opinion as a part of the prompt discussion outline. You are required to first, discuss the 2 public opinions and then opine on these reasons. That is why the personal opinion is not presented in the discussion restatement and reasoning outline. You cannot have an opinion when you have not discussed the two opinions yet. That shows a bias in your discussion, which is bad for the presentation. You cannot have a preconceived notion in the opening statement. That defeats the C/C discussion format. That is the incorrect format for your prompt restatement paragraph.

Your personal opinion does not follow the C/C format as required in this essay. Your response does not take the two public opinions into consideration as the foundation of your personal opinion. Rather than presenting an opinion based on the prompt discussion topics, you created your own topic for your personal opinion discussion.

Prompt Discussion Topics:
- the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number
of sports facilities.
- this would have little effect on public
health and that other measures are required.

Personal Opinion:
- we first need make health and fitness a daily routine starting in the primary level at school.

Your personal opinion should first, indicate which public point of view you agree with. Then you can present your alternative measures in support of the public opinion you agreed with. You can't jump into the alternative health measures without first establishing which POV you will be supporting. That should be your topic sentence. The first sentence in the personal opinion should be an opinion based on the support of a predetermined public discussion point.

Your conclusion is a run-on sentence that does not follow the proper conclusion restatement. What you presented is a good closing suggestion. It only works if you first restate the topic, points of view, and your opinion.

You have followed the expected format for this discussion in a good manner. You did well using the beginner format of this discussion topic. I look forward to having you write this essay type in the advanced format in the future.

Writing Feedback / Internet against Public Libraries [2]

This is an almost excellent essay that should score above the simple passing band score. In my opinion, this essay is a good example of a starting at 7 band score presentation. Why?

- You properly responded to the prompt question, although you should have indicated that you believe that libraries are still a necessity rather than being irreplaceable. The former being more in tune with the original prompt. Necessity = something indispensable, irreplaceable = unique or cannot be replaced. The words have 2 different meanings. indispensable being the more vocabulary appropriate word to use in the relation to the given discussion.

- You focused your reasoning paragraphs on supporting your point of view regarding the given topic
- Your discussion paragraphs are solidly developed in a clear and connected manner
- Your conclusion covered all of the required elements

You indicated that the internet and libraries are a source of education. Rather, these are sources of information. Education just happens to be a side effect of the pursuit of information. I know, I am nitpicking, but you want to have the most perfect essay presentation right? That starts with an accurate restatement of the given discussion. You never know what may add or deduct from your scoring considerations.

While the grammar is far from perfect, the clarity by which you presented your information made up for any grammatical errors in terms of simple and complex sentence presentations and lack of other punctuation mark usage (other than a period and comma). Again, nitpicking. Overall, good work though. This is a good start for you.

Writing Feedback / The importance of art, music and drama especially at primary level [2]

Being a simple agree or disagree essay, you do not need to offer an emotional or measured response to the prompt. This is a simple discussion that could have been better served, with a simple agreement statement supported by the outline of your discussion topics in the succeeding paragraphs. This essay covers 3 discussion topics:

- Arts
- Music
- Drama

Each reference topic from the original prompt should be discussed within its own paragraph, making this a 5 paragraph essay covering:

- Discussion restatement and response
- Arts discussion
- Music discussion
- Drama discussion

By separating each topic into its own, specific paragraph, you can better thresh out your explanation in support of the importance of each category. Your first reasoning paragraph became highly confusing to read and follow. It has caused undue stress on the reader because you tried to connect 2 separate topics in one paragraph. This weakened the overall reasoning, explanation, and examples within the presentation. Always consider how many topics are required in the discussion (3 in this case) and allot individual paragraphs for the discussion to assure a fully developed and explained presentation for every category.

Try to use 3 sentences in the concluding summary. Always refer to the original discussion topic as a separate sentence. It was this missing element that created an under developed concluding summary. Otherwise, you did an acceptable job of summarizing your essay content.

Writing Feedback / Environmental issues around the world are so severe that an individual cannot make a difference [2]

The overall discussion is sound. It is applicable to the given prompt requirement except, you offered solutions to the situation 3 times in the essay when none was required by the original prompt. Your discussion should not have veered past your complete agreement with the statement. If the essay does not instruct you to "provide possible solutions to the problem", you do not offer possible solutions anywhere within the essay. That is considered a prompt deviation, which creates an incorrect discussion format for the essay. Learn to read and understand the discussion requirements. Do not supply information that is not specified for inclusion in your discussion format. Doing so lowers your possible TA rating.

Your conclusion is also incorrect. You have not provided the minimum 3 sentence format that covers:
-The discussion topic
- Your opinion
- Summarized reasons presentation
- Closing sentence

You changed the parameters of the discussion in your conclusion to focus on your final opinion regarding the topic. Never forget, the conclusion is used only to remind the reader of the discussion points. You cannot continue the discussion in the conclusion since that will create an open-ended essay rather than a concluded opinion paper.

On a positive note, you did well in focusing the reasoning paragraphs on the defense of your sole opinion. That is the correct discussion format for this essay prompt. I am pleased that you knew to discuss only one point of view because most students accidentally / mistakenly use a comparative essay format, which is the incorrect format for this essay discussion instruction.

Writing Feedback / The problems and solutions of education in undeveloped countries [2]

Your paragraphs do not truly discuss the related problems within a paragraph. Neither do you present related solutions in the solutions paragraph. When considering what topics to discuss in a problems and solutions essay, make sure that you discuss no more than 2 topics in the relevant paragraph. The only specification is that, due to coherence and cohesiveness requirements in the presentation, the two topics you choose to discuss must support each other in the discussion.

In the first reasoning paragraph, the two related discussion points are:
- schools are very few in many areas, especially the rural areas.
- lacking of the qualified teachers

The above problem presentation has a commonality involved in the discussion which is:
- The lack of schools in rural areas means there are not enough qualified teachers to educate the students.
- Teachers do not want to be assigned to rural areas because it is too far from their own homes.

If you notice, your discussion does not create a cohesive explanation based on 2 properly related reasons. I was the one who supplied the proper reasons for you. You should avoid just listing the problems the problems, focusing only on the reasons, but not really explaining how these reasons relate to the given topic. Coherence, is scored based upon your ability to connect your discussion points per paragraph. You do this using:

- The discussion topic(s)
- Reasons that connect one problem to the next (lack of schools, no teachers due to distance of the schools from teacher homes)
- A proper example that illustrates the point (new graduates refuse rural teaching positions because of distance)

The same applies to the solution which is:
- build more schools in the rural areas
- Give teachers housing in the rural areas
- Provide an example of why these suggested solutions would work (teachers would not need to travel far to go home and rest)

Based on the discussion outline above, you can see why your essay cannot achieve a passing score, even though you wrote a very long essay. There is no sense to your presentation. The topics, solutions, and discussions simply do not connect properly. The essay is weak in all discussion areas. The examiner will also add the grammar range problems to the deductible points, in which case, the essay will not score higher than a 3.

Letters / Writing a letter to apply for joining an oversea language traing [2]

The letter has a misrepresentation of information from the original prompt. Organising a language study program is different from an organisation. Organising means that the company is forming something. That something, in this case, is a language study program. So the error with correction is:

I have been informed about our company's organisation which ...a new language. = I have been informed that our company is organising a language study program to be held at a future date.

Since the information regarding what languages will be offered in the training program is not indicated, you should be inquiring as to what language programs will be offered. You must suggest that French and Chinese be included based on your experience with foreigner involved transactions. Only then can you explain that because these people do not speak English, it is important that the company train staffers in the major business languages. Then put forth the idea that you would like to volunteer for the program.

Be specific about which language and country you are interested in for your language immersion training. If possible indicate that you have a basic understanding of the language as a self taught or language school student (paid out of your own pocket) and can carry on simple conversations using your preferred foreign language. This will make you look like a viable candidate for the training program. Additionally, discuss how often you interact with clients who speak this language within a week to support your desire to become language proficient.

Rather than immediately telling the company that you can get someone to fulfill your tasks in the interim during your training, you should be encouraging them to work with you as to the validity of your application. This primarily an inquiry letter so you should not be applying pressure on the reader to "announce a decision" and assume that you will be chosen for the overseas language training program.

Basically, the letter is only partially correct in terms of presentation. The mistakes are:

- Wrong vocabulary usage (organise v organisation) / English words used out of context or out of proper meaning.
- Format presentation (inquiry v demands made in the letter)
- Assuming you will be choice of the company for the program instead of simply offering yourself up as a candidate

You have to remember the main instruction from the prompt: Write a letter to apply for participation.

The last 2 errors are in contradiction to the instructions provided for the letter content development. You must make sure that you provide the required information only. Do not exaggerate, do not offer information that goes against the instructions. Always review your writing against the instructions to avoid any potential errors based on a mistaken understanding of the writing requirements.

Write the letter in a 3 paragraph format covering:
- Letting the company know about your interest in the program
- Discuss why this is important to your current position and how it can benefit the clients of the company
- Indicate that you are hoping to participate in the program and that you are open to further inquiries from the company regarding your application in the hopes of being approved as a program participant.

Do not use the term "announce" or "announcement". The proper term is "decision". They should inform you of their decision. An announcement is a public, formal notice. You want to be informed privately. The company will decide when an announcement shall be made. You do not order them to do that.

Writing Feedback / Minimizing or deafiting climate change [2]

While you did a wonderful job in responding to the prompt question and staying on point with your reasoning paragraphs, you did a bad job at paraphrasing the original content. You used a direct cut and paste of the phrase: we need to find a way to live with it. As cut and paste portion, or a memorized representation of the original prompt, your TA score will suffer point deductions on a major scale.

Another point to consider is, because the essay is lacking 2 words to meet the minimum word count, there will also be corresponding point deductions for the missing words. You have to write a minimum of 250 words, but no more than 290 words to allow for maximum scoring on your essay. It is important that you never use the same words, phrases, or sentences from the original prompt because this will show that you have a limited English vocabulary, which means your LR score will also be lower than you might expect.

This is a 4 paragraph essay that could be expanded to 5 paragraphs, provided you have enough justifications, discussion points, reasons, and examples to support a 3 reasoning paragraph presentation. In this case, you do not. Your discussions are only topic presentations that lack proper supporting elements that would have better allowed it to support your disagreement with the given statement. A strong paragraph has:

- A single discussion topic
- A strong supporting reason
- A properly explained example
- A convincing supporting explanation for the example
- An additional explanation or transition sentence

Your paragraphs do not present these elements so the paragraphs cannot be considered as properly developed explanatory presentations.

Avoid using ellipses in your presentation. Though a part of the English punctuation marks, these are not used in academic writing presentations. The use of the ellipse is mostly reserve for creative writing presentations as it indicates an unmentioned continued thought process.

Your concluding paragraph is not a proper summary. It is only a single sentence long. You must provide at least 3 sentences that will restate the discussion elements previously presented:

- Topic
- Opinion
- Reasons
- Closing sentence or repeated solution suggestion if one is required by the discussion instructions.

You have shown that you have the potential to write a properly developed essay. You just need to focus on presenting the proper discussion requirements in order to achieve that. Have confidence in knowing that you have the skills to write a passing essay once you become more familiar with the writing requirements of a Task 2 essay.

Writing Feedback / The issue as to whether some types of food advertisements should be prohibited remains controversial [2]

Before you start writing essays that are extremely worded, you should first make sure that you are responding to the prompt in the proper manner. Outline the discussion first, then address the direct question being asked:

Topic: Researchers show that overeating is as harmful as smoking.
Discussion: advertising for food products should be banned in the same way as the cigarette advertising is banned in many countries
Direct Question: To what extent do you agree or disagree.

The above outline is what you should have done so that you could have properly outlined your response, making sure that no prompt instructions were changed and that you properly formatted your response. So, let's look at what your discussion outline looks like when compared to the original:

Topic: many adopt a view that overeating is a detrimental problem which increases morbidity and mortality like smoking does, (CORRECT)
Discussion: the governments should accordingly take proactive actions (PARTLY CORRECT, MISSING REFERENCE TO SMOKING ADVERTISING)
Response: In my opinion, although imposing bans on food commercials would be effective to some what extent, it is over-simplistic to say that such approach could address the problem. (WRONG !)

Correct Response: Recent data analysis indicates that over indulgence when it comes to food has the same detrimental effects as consuming cigarettes. That is why there should be a move to prohibit food promotions in a manner similar to the nicotine promotions prevention being done in the other nations. I fully disagree with this statement based on commonly known reasons.

Breakdown:

Topic: Recent data analysis indicates that over indulgence when it comes to food has the same detrimental effects as consuming cigarettes. (CORRECT: )
Discussion: That is why there should be a move to prohibit food promotions in a manner similar to the nicotine promotions prevention being done in the other nations (CORRECT)

Response: I fully disagree with this statement based on commonly known reasons. (CORRECT !!!)

The correct response to the question would have been a single opinion dis/agreement with the given topic and discussion points. You changed the prompt discussion requirement, creating a deviation which shows that your response is unrelated to the task. Writing almost 400 words is useless because the essay will have automatically failed anyway. All because you improperly responded to the essay question which is the basis of the 2 reasoning paragraph discussion.

You approached this essay as a research paper. Another error on your part. The response should be based only on your personal knowledge or information using examples from your own experience or public observations. This was meant to be a 290 word essay composed of 4 paragraphs. This is not a Task 2 essay, this is an academic research paper. This is a direct singular opinion discussion essay. The format and the discussion approach is incorrect and will result in your failing score.

Again, writing a long essay is not going to assure you of a high passing score if you did not respond to the discussion requirements as indicated by the original prompt. It is senseless to show off your English vocabulary when your English comprehension skills, as per understanding what the discussion requirement is, remains faulty. You will always fail the task test if you do not understand what the question is and how to respond to it. I have shown you evidence of this problem above.

Writing Feedback / IELTS T2: The best way for government to solve traffic congestion is provding free public transport? [2]

The essay asked you to deliver an extent or measured agreement or disagreement with the given topic. Based on your first paragraph, it appears that you disagree with the idea of government subsidized transport. However, you neglected to clearly respond to the question posed. Then upon reading the reasoning paragraphs, you used the comparative discussion for the presentation. These are the 3 main reasons why your essay does not meet the requirements for a passing score based on the prompt requirements.

The measured response (ex. I strongly, I totally, I wholly, I primarily) is the personal point of view that will establish your response to the question and also, identify the discussion slant of the essay. That is, to support only one side of the discussion, proving your assertions within 2 related, coherent, and cohesive paragraphs. The minute you used the comparative essay format, you went against the expected discussion format. When you did not indicate a measured response, you changed the prompt discussion instruction. Both errors will not only pull down you overall score, but result in the failing score of your essay.

So what is the format for this discussion? This is a 4 paragraph essay utilizing 3-5 sentences per paragraph so it should go something like this:

Par. 1: Prompt paraphrase with response: There has been some deliberation regarding having the state wholly subsidize the national transit system. The question posed is "would the total gratuity be a good move in resolving the road gridlock problem?". My response to this inquiry is this, I am in total opposition to the idea. A total free transport system is not the solution to the problem.

Par. 2: Offer a single reason to support your claim. Use your personal observation or opinion. Do not refer to research results or anything of the sort. The essay relies on your personal knowledge, observation, and experience for its discussion presentation.

Par. 3: Offer a solid example of why your reason is correct. A single reason is all that is needed because you are defending your opinion with supporting examples. You are not writing a comparative essay. The direct opinion question is never responded to as a comparative essay discussion.

Par. 4: Recap the first 3 discussion point. The topic, your opinion, and your example. Then use a closing sentence to end the essay. The last paragraph is just meant to summarize the discussion and that is all you have to do. Show that you can restate your discussion points effectively to bring the essay full circle.

Remember, read the instructions. Figure out what the discussion format should be first and write the essay in the expected format. That way you can be sure of meeting all the task and writing requirements. While you might make some grammar mistakes, if you follow the format I suggest above, your essay should reach at least a 5 band score.

Undergraduate / Fulbright essay-personal statement- economic development [3]

Sadly, you cannot give me a run-down of your topics for discussion and expect me to give you a comprehensive and usable review of your essay. The Fulbright scholarship is so important and the written interview so vital to your application that I cannot help you using only an overview and per paragraph description of your essay.

My apologies but you obviously do not understand how this forum works. You post your essay, the users give their comments regarding grammar and other simple corrections while the contributor, that's me, gives you proper advise regarding the improvement and/or revision requirements of the essay. I give the analytical review, everyone else gives a general review. This is a collaborative essay improvement forum. Everyone throws in their 2 cents worth and you end up with a better written essay in the end. After you have had the essay reviewed and you are satisfied with your final product, you can have the essay deleted from the server by request. That lessens the chances of plagiarism on your end.

You can always have the essay deleted after it is reviewed to avoid plagiarism problems. You may also opt for our private review services to totally avoid having any other eyes read your work, other than myself, as the contributor who will be analyzing the essay. We will discuss the weaknesses, strong points, and points for improvement privately. I definitely cannot do any sort of review for your work unless I can read the actual work you completed. Perhaps you will want to contact me privately instead.

Scholarship / KGSP 2020 Undergraduate Personal Statement / Media and communication - why KGSP? [2]

In this essay you need to be specific about your notable achievements. Do not just offer a run down of your awards and recognition. Do not brag and make boastful claims about these topics. Instead, focus on the most notable achievements you have been recognized for in Sports Aerobics and dance. Be detailed about these achievements. The reviewer needs to have the specifics of your awards and recognition so that he can decide if you are worth considering as a scholarship applicant.

He will not be familiar with terms that you consider important such as "Candidate Master of Sports". It is obvious that this is a considerable recognition on your part so explain in detail why this award is significant to you and the sport. Do not generalize. Limit your achievements and recognition only to the top 3 or 5 listing. Explain each achievement in detail, in individual paragraphs. Do not group the explanations. The reviewer needs time to be able to consider each achievement, individually. You should do the same for you community service activities. If you want to highlight your interest in Languages, it better be in Hangul otherwise mentioning that in this essay, related to Korean learning, will be useless. It would perhaps be better to omit the mention of languages for now. Save it instead for the discussion of how you plan to improve your Hangul and English skills statement.

Regarding your participation in the AV club. There is no clear influencing experience or interaction between you and your club adviser. You should be indicating a specific moment when the person said something to you that you consider profound or, did something with you that influenced you / helped you decide that you want to pursue an AV career. By the way, you need to be specific about what future field of Media communication you will want to pursue in the future. It will help give the essay a clearer direction and better explain the connection of Korea with your future ambitions.

Highlight your Korean experience during your 3 week stay in Korea. Relate it to the motivation by which you apply for the program. Explain your Korean immersion and what you learned about the country and its people during those 3 weeks that came back to you recently, while you were applying for the scholarship. The reviewer will tend to pay more attention to applications where the students have previous experience with the Korean learning system, had immersion activities, or spent time doing something of relevance in Korea.

The current essay is too scattered in approach. You need to edit for content and relevance. Make sure you focus on what needs to be highlighted in the eyes of the reviewer. Do not try to impress through saying things. Impress by showing the reviewer why you are the better choice. I can see several points in this version where you missed out on the chance to do that. I hope my revision advice can set you on the right path towards developing a more relevant personal statement.

Undergraduate / Cybersecurity - how did you choose your proposed course and institution? [3]

The reason you chose your proposed course should only be related to the situation in Indonesia as that is where you will be applying the theoretical and practical skills you will be acquiring during your studies. You should remove all of the first part that refers to cybersecurity on general terms. You have to be specific about how you were influenced by the cybersecurity situation in your country based upon the need to beef up IT security in the country and also, improve your job skills in relation to future cybersecurity development within your country.

Separate the discussion about the university in a new paragraph. You have to totally change the reason for your choosing the university. It is too flimsy and does not portray any strong academic reasons for your choice. For example, you could indicate that the course prospectus shows a similarity to the way that you will be needing to handle the IT security requirements of your current job. Make specific references to your undergraduate or professional training that will continue to be honed by the additional learning you will receive from the university. Your reason has to highlight your desire to learn. The university choice should not just be because they have a friendly staffers who answered your questions. That is one of the worst reasons to choose a university and the reviewer will be irritated rather than impressed by such reasoning.

Writing Feedback / The total of books read by gender at the library of Starmouth School from 2009 to the present [2]

Due to the lack of image accompanying your essay, I will be unable to review your essay for content quality and instruction adherence. You must remember that the image in the Task 1 essay should be uploaded so that a proper analysis of your data reporting can be completed by the contributor. Without the image, you will only get a general review. Uploading the image with the post is self-explanatory. You are just not looking at the text box properly so you are not seeing the link for the image upload. It is within the top most part of the text box. It says "Image". Click on that to include the file for your post. Remember this information for next time.

You have not written enough words to get a proper assessment of your GRA and LR skills. You should be writing a mid-range count of 175 words up to 190 words to meet this requirement. Writing just enough to pass does not help you increase your overall scoring consideration. Write more, but do not overwrite. That can be detrimental to you GRA and LR scores, along with the C&C consideration as well.

The report feels under developed and little explained. Without the image, I cannot pinpoint these areas for improvement based on omitted data. Be consistent with your written paragraphs. Always present the minimum 3 sentence requirement so that you can write above the minimum, within the target word count as advised above. The 3 sentence minimum will help you better explain the provided information since you will be able to present all the related information for the paragraph topic.

The essay should refer to both genders in plural form at all times. There is no singular form to be used since the information you were provided was for the greater numerical form of the gender population. Therefore, only the plural reference to the genders can be used. To be specific, woman = women.

Writing Feedback / More people are choosing to live with their friends or alone rather than with their families. [2]

I am afraid to review this essay for prompt responsiveness because there are 2 task 2 essay prompts that are similar in theme to the essay referred to in your work. I do not wish to hazard a guess regarding the content because if I do that, I might be wrong in the topic I choose to analyze your essay with and offer you the wrong advice in the process. I'll render a general review of your essay instead, covering the points that should be fixed in your next essay. Kindly remember to upload the prompt next time so that I can offer you a more complete review of your work.

Since this is an agree or disagree statement, your essay must focus on only one point of view discussion due to clarity and coherence issues. You must focus on strengthening you actual POV within 2 reasoning paragraphs. This is done by using 2 related reasons within the 2 paragraphs. However, your essay uses the phrase "I think" in the presentation. This means you do not have a clear point of view as required by the prompt. You are asked "Do you agree or disagree?" that means, you have to pick only one side of the topic to discuss. When you see the word "OR" in the essay, that means you have the option to discuss one or the other topic. You can never choose both.

The discussion slant of your essay needs to show that you have an understanding of the topic through your single opinion. The dis/agree essay is always a single point of view defense. However, when you are asked to "present both opinions and discuss your opinion" , then you can use the comparative or A/D discussion format for your response. Your discussion format is incorrect and will be scored down because of it.

The main problems of your essay are:

- You do not offer a solid opinion regarding the question asked
- You use a neutral rather than opinionated discussion in relation to one point of view in response to the given statement and question
- Your prompt paraphrase and concluding recap are 1 sentence short of the minimum sentence requirement

The phrase "According to" is misused in this sentence. The phrase is used when you are referring to some information which was previously indicated by someone else. You cannot say "according to me" because you are not someone else. Your GRA score will be lowered for the wrong sentence structure. The proper way to use the phrase is : According to Joey, Mike took the ice cream because..." When you use the phrases improperly, the GRA score will be affected, the same is true for vocabulary usage. Wrong word usage loses points in the LR section.

Now, there are several other problems with your essay but these are the mistakes that will definitely have an increased points deduction effect on your individual and final scoring considerations in this task.

Graduate / Mechanical engineering at Kohl TU [3]

Clarify if your uncle is a graduate of the university, what course he graduated from, and what batch he belonged to. You need to give a more acceptable explanation as to how he influenced your decision. Your current reason, based on his referral is weak and does not show how you took any academic considerations into account when considering the university. You should refer to some elements of your desire to learn some specific information or gain some training that only the university can help you access. Your essay is so general in reference that it can refer to any university, not just Kohl TU. You have to explain what set this university apart from the others in your eyes. Do not aim to discuss generalities. That will make your application weak and not worthy of consideration. Your last paragraph does not refer to any academic requirements as per the discussion instructions. You have to refer to your grades and relevant subjects that could reinforce your image as a student worthy of attending the university. Frankly speaking, this is not an essay that will gain you consideration from the reviewer. It is actually so weak that the reviewer will decide to put your application in the reject pile after reading the first 2 sentences. It will be better if you pay better attention to the required discussion information and work on providing your strongest presentations of that information. Otherwise, you will not make it past the screening round.

Writing Feedback / Color of goods and sales - Essay - IELTS_Writing task 2 [3]

The examiner will be lost when he reads your essay. You did not paraphrase the original topic, nor did you respond to the 2 questions that were provided. You created a new discussion instruction instead, which will result in your essay getting a failing TA score.

OP: How true is this statement? How much does colour influence us when we buy something?
Response: As far as I am concerned that colour is a potential element of marketing when some companies try to sell their products of a highly competitive market.

Not once did you signify that you believed the statement was true. Neither did you indicate how much the color of a products influences you when making a purchase. So you failed to provide a proper representation of the original discussion, did not respond to the given questions which were to be the outline for the discussion, and you totally changed the discussion topic. Result? A failing score

Additionally, you went beyond the 2 reasoning paragraph format for this essay. This error in paragraph presentation caused you to go over the word count which, you will be able to write in a CBT setting, but will not give you time to finalize the content of your essay. Try to stay within the 4 paragraph set up going forward, no more than 5 sentences each. The discussion topics are provided in the original prompt and dictate what your reasoning discussion topics should be. In this case:

Reasoning paragraph 1: Explanation that proves the statement to be true.
Reasoning paragraph 2: Evidence that colour affects your purchase decision making process. Base this on your own buying habits and how you use colors to influence your final choice for an item to want to own.

The essay asks you to prove your point by using yourself as the example for the reasons why colour influences people when it comes to buying goods. After the fast food example, the next paragraph should have supported the preceding paragraph by allowing you to use yourself as the discussion topic based on the question: How much does colour influence us when we buy something?

By using yourself as the example of how colour affects the decision making of a person when it comes to purchasing goods, you will show a complete familiarity with the topic and also, offer a cohesive discussion of a topic that directly relates to the previous presentation.

Your discussion format is off. You do not really address the required discussion topics. Your essay will struggle to get a passing score, if at all.

Writing Feedback / Is technology useful for education in the modern time? [4]

Your discussion does not work very well. It fails to follow the prompt requirements as delivered by the original prompt:

Modern technology now allows rapid and uncontrolled access to and exchange of information. Far from being beneficial, this is a danger to our societies.To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Posing that question at the start of your paraphrase, including information that is not related to the original topic has changed the slant of the discussion. You have changed the discussion topic for the essay which will result in a failed TA score. Never pose a question in the paraphrase. Just restate the information and your response to the question provided. In this case, you failed to do that so you can expect that your essay will receive an overall failing score.

Your essay does not properly address the extent essay discussion as required. It has taken on a presentation of its own, devoid of any relationship with the original prompt. The examiner will see this and score you down because of the lack of relevant discussion in your reasoning paragraphs. Additionally, you will receive a TA markdown for being under the word count. The essay will only be scored for the parts that respond to the prompt. The parts that do not adhere to the discussion will be ignored and the same number of words will be deducted from the minimum 250 word count. An equivalent percentage will be removed from your TA score, which will prevent you from achieving a passing mark. Don't bother trying to write more than 290 words. The more GRA errors you make, the more deductions will be set into place for your final score.

Your discussion topics do not offer a completely developed response. There is a lack of supporting discussions and examples to validate your claims. While the discussion topics are good, the lack of proper thought development and discussion presentation has affected the overall presentation. Your C&C score will also not be of the passing mark type.

The main discussion point that should have been the total focus of all the reasoning paragraphs was relegated to a single paragraph, of which you did not properly explain your stance nor offer believable back-up information to prove your claim. The total essay has become irrelevant to the original discussion topic. This essay will not get a passing score.

Essays / Write a letter of reference for yourself in the third person - how to start? [3]

Hi Sylvia. Welcome to the forum. Don't worry about having to write your essays for the scholarship application. I'll be here to help you. I can explain and help you write your essay. Good luck with your applications. I look forward to holding your hand through the application process. As for the letter that you are being asked to write, I am sure that you are familiar with the third person pronouns so I won't bother with explaining those terms to you. What I can tell you though, is that you should write this letter from the point of view of a teacher. If you are not sure about what you can write about in the letter, then, you should do the obvious thing. That is, approach your teacher and ask your teacher to write a reference letter for you based on the questions being asked. The teacher can help you write :

- Exceptional academic achievement references
- creativity as a student
- leadership within the classroom or student government
- Why the teacher things you can stand out from the other students that have the same grades as you do.

You will have to write the part about your contribution to the global community though. This would be in relation to your after school activities. This could be your volunteering for social and civic programs in your community or, through international organizations like GreenPeace, Habitat for Humanity, WWF, and other similar organizations.

Once your teacher has written about the 4 sections i have indicated above, you can then work on developing your own version of the letter, using the information from your teacher as the basis of your reference letter. You can add to it as you need to, remove information you don't think will help your application, and adjust other content where required.

That will be the first draft version that you can post here for my review and advise. Consider that the work in progress. I am sure you can improve upon the content to help strengthen your application. I look forward to reading your draft soon.

Grammar, Usage / "Continue to watch" or" continue watching" [3]

I think you should change the way that you use the term "continues" in the sentence. Both sentences depict an ongoing action, regardless of an interruption. However, being tired is not an interruption. It is a sense or a feeling of physical fatigue. You should be looking as to whether you want to present the action as ongoing (active voice) or past (passive voice). I would rather have you choose between these two presentations, depending upon what the paragraph is trying to depict:

- He continued to watch TV despite... (past tense, passive voice)
- He continues to watch TV despite... (present tense; active voice)

Decide upon which time frame to want to use the sentence in, then choose the correct time reference for "continue" to create your sentence.

Letters / Motivation Letter - Stipendium Hungaricum Programme (Bachelor) [4]

Unless you were given specific discussion instructions and topics for the scholarship, which you failed to upload here with your letter, I have to say that you did not create a motivation letter. What you did write, was a personal biography. Something that is not presented in the motivation letter. If there are no discussion suggestions for the motivational letter, I will have to advise that you delete this presentation. You cannot use this as a motivation letter. A motivation letter has specific requirements that need to be presented within 5 paragraphs or 300 words (at the most). The data you should present are:

- What course you are interested in applying for
- Without going back to the age of 12, discuss what events led to your interest in this course
- Present what preparations you have taken that indicate a solid foundation for this course (what your beginner background is all about and any awards you may received in relation to your skills development)

- Describe your academic goals in relation to your university choice
- Explain why you feel that Hungary, as a country, can help you become one of the best graduates of this bachelor program.

Based on your new draft, which should include the information above, you should be able to have an editable or revision ready (for improvements) motivational letter. Do not fall back on personal background presentation. That should be part of the personal statement instead.

Writing Feedback / The massive number of parents are choosing to educate their children at home recent years [2]

I am confused by your presentation. Are you writing a research paper or a task 2 IELTS practice test? The discussion format is that of a research paper but, the elements of the discussion seem to be for a task 2 test. Which one are you actually writing? I do not see a clear thesis in the opening statement, as it represents a clear point of view opinion rather than a discussion assumption. You also wrote 730 words, which is acceptable for a research paper, but way over the acceptable word count for the task 2 essay. Please remember to indicate if you are writing a research paper or practicing for the test next time. As of now, I will not judge the content based on task 2 elements. I will limit the review to mere grammatical considerations instead. It seems only proper since you are asking for Writing Feedback anyway.

Spelling errors:
Homeschoolers = Home schoolers (two words, not one because it describes the action of a person)
Homeschooling = Home schooling
Homeschooled = Home schooled
broad minded = broad-minded

Word clarity:
It is evident that... - It is CLEAR that....
... more and more parents - more parents (avoid repeating words as these are non-academic presentations)
Indeed, the effects of this educational method have been showed by many studies. - Who did the studies?

The rest of the essay, should this be for research work, requires professional editing for correction and presentation polishing. Forum rules prevent me from doing that for you in the public posting area.

Writing Feedback / British people to spend time on phone calls - Writing Task 1 - Bar chart [3]

Your summary overview should have included the 3 types of phone calls made ( local - fixed line, national and international - fixed line, mobiles - all calls). The measurement type should have also been indicated (minutes by the millions), along with a clearer trending sentence. Your trend isn't really spelled out as a part of the summary overview in this presentation. A comparative statement is not the same as a trend in the usage. The trend is normally something that was constant in the presentation. Either an upward or downward trend based on the most prominent selection in the discussion.

If you are taking the CBT, make sure that you properly use the space bar. Improperly using it could create an LR error on your part. You made that error in this presentation when you did not use the space bar to separate the words "national and". You wrote it improperly as "nationaland". Spell checking is imperative in this task because your LR score depends on it. You should have easily spotted the "Neverthless" error (Nevertheless) if you did a visual spellcheck. Several other spelling errors which will definitely sink your LR score in an actual test setting.

Writing Feedback / Some people think cooking at home is a waste of time. To what extent do you agree or disagree with? [2]

Your essay does not apparently follow the prompt discussion requirements. It omits the specific discussion topics as indicated from the original prompt which are:

Some people believe that cooking at home is a waste of time. They feel it is better to buy fast food which is more convenient and less stressful in modern life. Do you agree or disagree? Give your opinion and examples from your own experience.

Based on the original topic, the discussion requirements should be based on an extent essay that supports either the fast food discussion or the home cooking option. An example of a prompt responsive paraphrase for the discussion is:

These days, people find it more convenient to order fast food. Apparently, they find home food preparation to be quite aggravating at times so they opt to order take-out instead. As someone who likes to cook and does not find the practice annoying, I have to say that I am in complete disagreement with the people who believe food delivery services are the best option for meals.

There was no need to mention a discussion about dirty dishes. That is not part of the cooking discussion. It was not referred to in the original discussion because it is not a consideration when it comes to meal times. You still have to wash dishes when you order food delivery. That discussion is a prompt deviation and will be noted by the examiner as a point to score down your TA accuracy.

The conclusion you presented does not meet the 3 sentence minimum requirement. It does not represent a proper paraphrase of the discussion topics presented. That will be an additional deduction in your TA score.

Now, I reviewed your essay based only on the parts that applied to the original prompt. The examiner will do the same thing in the actual test. He will score you only for the sections that apply to the original prompt, deduct word points for the irrelevant discussions, and adjust your score downward. If I am right and the essay does not adhere to the original prompt requirements, you will find that the essay may not achieve an impressive score in the end.

Writing Feedback / Essay Task 2 about the advantages and disadvantages of social media [4]

You are being asked to compare the advantages and disadvantages in the essay. The proper approach to this, if you want to create a coherent and cohesive response and not just keep on delivering confused and non related discussion points in the reasoning paragraph, is to do the A/D comparison for the discussion topics within one paragraph. The more score appropriate format is:

- Advantage
- Reason for the advantage
- Explanation that proves the advantage is a disadvantage
- Example that proves your disadvantage topic
- Transition sentence to the next topic

This is an advanced essay writing format that creates the proper scoring considerations setting for an A/D topic such as this. You do not have to be so round about in the discussion. You merely have to get to the point by presenting related and relevant discussions within 2 reasoning paragraphs. If you can practice writing in this format successfully, you will achieve a higher C&C score, which could also boost the TA considerations in the end.

Writing Feedback / Discuss about sports professionals have more income than other professions [4]

The essay has 2 prompt deviations. The first is in the paraphrased statement where you offered a solution to the problem. There was nothing in the original prompt that asked you to deliver a solution discussion. Instead, the original prompt asked you to discuss both points of view and then, offer your own point of view on the topic.

The second deviation, was in your personal opinion paragraph. You indicated that doctors and teachers should be paid equally as the athletes. That is an incorrect opinion presentation. The personal opinion sought in this essay is that of one which is based upon the comparison discussion of the two points of view. The points of view originally stated in the instructions. There was no room for you to discuss teachers and doctors because they were not part of the original discussion. So you changed the basis of your personal opinion to one that was not included in the prompt.

These are the two main reasons why the essay will not be getting a passing TA score. Prompt deviations are never allowed in the Task 2 test. If the information is not in the original presentation, it should not be in the discussion paragraphs either.

Examiners also score down for use of exaggerated words such as controversy. There was no controversy mentioned in the original presentation. The use of these words distort the message of the original presentation. Again, it changes the discussion elements of the prompt towards one that was never included in the original.

These lack of proper vocabulary usage, changing of discussion reference points, and altering of discussion instructions will be the main reasons why the essay will not be able to achieve an ideal score overall. Remember, you will also lose points in the LR, GRA, and C&C section because of the way you did not follow the given instructions for the presentation.

Writing Feedback / Enhancement of the public health by constructing more sports facilities? Ielts 2 [2]

The prompt paraphrase, just like the succeeding paragraphs, requires a 3-5 sentence presentation format. Not following this presentation rule results in a run-on sentence, as seen in your writing, which will result in a lowered GRA score. Always separate the topics for discussion, in this case, the 2 public points of view, by using 2 separate complete simple or complex sentences. Do not offer a personal opinion as a part of the paraphrase. That cannot be achieved at that point since the opinion is based on a discussion of the two points of view first. You cannot develop an opinion if you have not written about the justification for each reason yet. You may instead, add your personal opinion as the last 3 sentences of the public point of view discussion.

A more cohesive presentation of the public point of view discussion paragraphs would have been to write in the following format twice in the reasoning paragraphs:

- A topic reference to a general public viewpoint (second or third person pronoun usage required)
- The reason for this public perception
- A presentation of your opinion ( agree or disagree with the public point of view)
- A supporting reason
- Close with a valid example to agree with your opinion

By discussing the essay in the above manner, you should be able to present a coherent and cohesive discussion that is based on 2 completely developed points of view per paragraph, the public and the personal. Right now, both discussion paragraphs come across as merely personal points of view. You also did not properly discuss both public points of view. You only discussed one public POV. So the discussion instructions / requirements were not achieved in your presentation, lowering your TA score in the process. Additionally, without the use of pronouns, you will not be able to increase your GRA score to show that you know how to properly develop discussion paragraphs based on multiple reference points.

Writing Feedback / It is difficult for people living in cities today get enough physical exercise. Causes & solutions. [2]

The better approach to this essay would be to indicate how well you understood the topic in the prompt restatement. What you wrote as the restatement would have been more acceptable if you did not exaggerate the presentation by indicating countries, before going to the town level. The original prompt asked you to focus only on the city living or urban residents. Examiners hate it when you deviate from the original presentation by adding unwarranted references such as countries. This would have a direct effect on your TA score. Additionally, the original prompt asked you for direct responses to the questions regarding the causes and solutions. You should have indicated the topics that you would have been discussing in relation to these 2 questions in the final part of the prompt. The outlined response would have helped to increase your GRA score as your English understanding and ability to represent your thoughts would have been better analyzed by the examiner. These are the English comprehension skills that matter the most in the scoring consideration / process.

Your reasons need to be connected. The first reason should be a justifiable offshoot of the second reason. So, if money is tight and people cannot exercise because it is expensive to join the gym, then you cannot use entertainment as the second reason. If people can spend on movies, they can spend on a gym membership. The proper connected reason could have been:

Second, the people who can afford to join the gym, cannot go to the gym because it is already closed by the time they finish working overtime in the office. The people are too tired and too focused on earning money to afford their life necessities, hence they cannot find time to exercise.

Connect the 2 reasons, use a connected example based on a proper topic focus, and create a cohesive and coherent reasoning / causes paragraph. Do you clearly see the difference between your reasoning presentation and mine? The connected reasons are what helped the paragraph, in my version, to become more coherent and cohesive for the examiner to rate highly.

An academic presentation never uses the word "etc." either use a period, a comma, or a semi-colon, but never etc. That is too flippant and casual in word usage. Connecting words such as "because" should never be used to start a sentence. The word can only be used mid-sentence, to connect a given reason to a subject for the discussion.

Remember to use a comma when using clauses in a sentence:... and the old generation , so they...

When writing in a formal tone, do not use conjunctions. Always spell out the words such as (don't) Do not, I would, I will not.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 Technology and traditional cultures are incompatible - the loss of cultural norms [3]

You did not properly rephrase the prompt. You must make sure that you do not offer too much of your personal opinion, nor change the prompt discussion specifications in your paraphrase. Always outline your work first to make sure you stay on track. You tend to not understand the prompt statements so you need to be careful and analyze the topic and discussion instruction first. Perhaps, instead of doing the task 2 practice tests, you should first be asking for instructions regarding how to discuss essay types. That is your weakest point and that is the reason your essays will not score well. You should be asking for advise about how to approach essay topics first. That way you can familiarize yourself with the process first and learn to write the essay second.

You should also be learning how to use synonyms to replace keywords in the essay so that you can improve your LR score. You cannot use the same words from the original prompt because that is considered cut and paste writing by the examiner, which means you do not have a wide English vocabulary so it will drag your LR score down.

Proper paraphrase:

There is a common belief developing these days that advanced systems will eventually cause the loss of long established cultural norms. This is based on the idea that technological progress and historical ways of life cannot adapt to one another. I fully disagree with this idea due to the nature of man that dictates a sense of belonging, based on real world and real time social norms, in order to survive.

You need to get out of the comparative discussion mindset. The extent essays are never comparative discussions. You cannot offer a coherent and cohesive supporting statement regarding your stated opinion if you insist on delivering a 2 POV essay. That is why your essay lacks connected paragraph developments. That is why your essays are under explained and with little supporting evidence. You can only have a proper explanation and enough supporting evidence to prove your opinion if you focus on the development of one opinion.

You know what I am saying right? This essay deviated from the prompt discussion because you tried to compare 2 sides of the story when the instruction is to prove only one side, the point you disagree with. I cannot stress this enough, since this is a continuously repeated error on your part, maybe you should be focusing on understanding the difference between the different essay types for this test first. You cannot keep writing, making the same mistakes, then expect a different result.

Writing Feedback / University graduates in Canada - IELTS WRITING Task 1 Question and Answer [3]

Do not rush when writing your report. Always take some time towards the end to review your work. This error filled essay cannot be given a score at this point, no matter how you demand it, because it will not get a passing score. Which is why the policy at this forum is to score the student on the 2nd submission, rather than the first, which is normally filled with errors. Your work is a clear example of that.

There are missing periods in several sentences. There are overused commas in some paragraphs. You need to use the plural form throughout the essay, you used the singular in some spots. The essay loses focus and clarity because you opted to use approximations in the essay when there were clear data digits provided.

When you are given years to reference in the data report, use year groupings as a part of the data presentation so that the reader will be clear about what eras are being presented in the report. You cannot just keep using year measurement references because your reader will have to do the computation based on the years you presented in the summary. The examiner will not bother to do the math. He'll simply mark this with a TA score of 4, because of the unclear parts of your presentation, which occurred because of the lack of year references. With that kind of TA score, add the other errors in the GRA section, lack of coherence and clarity, and you can understand why I cannot give you a score for this essay. It will not pass the test.

I am sure that you will do better next time though. Focus on your GRA and data usage next time. Avoid words that connote uncertainty, make sure you use the right plural or singular form, and use 3-5 sentences per paragraph. Do not use run-on sentences, but do use complex sentence forms to help your GRA score.

Writing Feedback / Coffee and banana sales - TEST 2 CAMBRIDGE IELTS 10 [2]

Your essay cannot be marked because you did not upload the image and discussion instructions for this task 1 data report. All we can do is review your grammar and other presentation issues, not related to the image and instructions provided for the presentation. Upload the image next time you post a task 1 essay so a contributor, as only a contributor can score an essay here, can mark your work. Any student who marks another student's essay will automatically be suspended for forum rules violation.

Good work writing less than 200 words for this essay. You wrote just enough to get the highest possible scores for the grading rubic. However, you would end up being scored down for presentation because you did not write the minimum 3 sentences per paragraph. You should be writing 3-5 sentences that vary from simple to complex in presentation. Your current writing leans more on the run-on side of the presentation. A run-on sentence does not equal a complex sentences. Review your grammar development rules regarding complex sentence structures. Nice use of the ratio and parenthesis presentations. It ties in well to create a cohesive and coherent sentence. Not everyone can creatively and effectively use a parenthesis in their data reports. I am impressed.

Spelling error: labeled = labelled

Conciseness issue:
Do not use filler phrases such as "It is clear that there..." This creates a sense of confusion for the reader while reading your work. Simply say "There was always..." It immediately delivers the thought, without muddling the presentation just because you want to meet the word count. While you won't be scored down for using filler words, you will be scored down if the filler words affect the clarity of the presentation.

Scholarship / AAS Master of Computer Science - Proposed course and Institution Essay [4]

You are spreading your reasons for your proposed course too widely. They do not relate to one another. You should find a common reason that your pursuit of an AI masters course will help you create an improved approach to all of the fields that you provided. As a reviewer, I will be looking for that consolidated reason that would tell me that you actually understand how AI can integrate these 3, differing fields. Right now, I do not see how that can be approached in your presentation. This statement makes you seem like you have not really thought your course choice through. It will be better to pick one focus for your response. You will not impress the examiner with multiple, unrelated choices that you cannot integrate into one goal or improvement proposal.

Your choice of university needs to have more personal interest in it. You are just saying things about the university that could be said of all the universities in Australia. You have to study your academic goals in relation to your professional target. Then look for the common factors that the university addresses. You can discuss these as the reason for your institution choice.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 Sample Answer: Acceptance / Unsatisfactory Lives (IELTS Cambridge 14) [2]

You have totally changed the parameters of the topic. You have turned a discussion into a debate, a dual point of view with personal opinion, into a personal opinion alone. These prompt deviations alone will be enough for you to get a failing score in the end. You must learn to analyze the prompt statement for its discussion requirements before you start writing an essay response. Not analyzing the discussion instructions is the most common reasons that exam takers fail this particular section of the test. You have to use the following outline to properly represent your discussion points.

Discussion Requirement: Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Public Point of View 1: Some people believe that it is best to accept a bad situation,
Public Point of View 2 Others argue that it is better to try and improve such situations
Discussion basis: an unsatisfactory job or shortage of money

Based on the outline I have shown you, it becomes easier for you to now outline the topics for discussion as:

- Topic sentence: accept a bad situation
- Example that shows acceptance
- Reason why the public believes this is the best approach
- Your opinion, thoughts on the public opinion

-Topic sentence: it is better to try and improve such situations
- Example that proves this decision is better
- Reason why the public considers this acceptable
- Your opinion of this topic

You must use the second and/or third person references in the reasoning explanation portion and the first person pronoun in your personal opinion presentation. While this approach is more difficult to do for beginners, based on your current presentation, I believe you can pull off this format. This way, you will have clarity in your presentation as the group pronouns will come into play to show the difference in opinion between the public and your private point of view, which could lead to a better TA and C&C score for you. The GRA and LR section are not so much of a problem for you. The main problem is actually the improper format of your discussion, which could lead to a failing score.

Writing Feedback / The number of cars has increased significantly in major cities. What problems and some solutions? [3]

Do not focus only on providing reasons for the discussion. That leads to a lack of clarity and a failure of cohesiveness and coherence in your presentation. You should be concentrating on fully explaining your reasons and solutions instead of just fulfilling the discussion requirements by the number of reasons and possible solutions in your paragraphs. The key to passing this test is in the way that you prove to the examiner that you can understand the topic and provide fully developed explanations to support your reasoning statements. That requires you to focus on presenting the following:

- A topic sentence
- A supporting example
- An explanation of why the topic and example justify the problems caused
- Additional explanations in support of your topic or example

In the second paragraph, you did a good job when you used the following connected causes:
-the increase in cars ... the melting of ice air pollution.
- this extremely harmful to people's health ...or even cancer.

The problem with that presentation is that the sentences in the middle do not connect the 2 causes. You must use a unified example or a progressing example that connect the environmental problem with human health. The discussion you present became confusing when the reader came across the middle discussion, these do not connect the two topics and only caused confusion for the reader.

This was something you were able to do in the solutions presentation. While the explanation could have been better, the connected discussion topics made it easier for the reader to understand what you wanted to say. Just avoid using examples at the end of the presentation. You do not have enough sentences left to better explain the example. Always place that as the second sentence so you can use the last 3 sentences to fully detail your explanation of your reason and example.

The concluding paragraph needs to properly restate the topic, causes, and solutions. Without that recap is invalid as the essay does not come to a full circle, or a complete close.

Writing Feedback / Some children can learn more efficiently by watching TV. Therefore, children should watch regular TV [2]

Whenever you see the word OR in a prompt, that means this is a single opinion discussion. You cannot score well in the C&C section once you use a C/C or A/D format for your discussion. The word OR indicates a choice must be made regarding your opinion. You cannot say that you disagree with the statement and then go into a comparative discussion of the pros and cons of the presentation in individual paragraph form. If you want to use a C/C format for this type of prompt you should follow the format below to get around the single opinion requirement per paragraph. Your sentences should be composed of:

- Topic sentence (pro topic)
- Reason why you believe this is an incorrect assumption
- An example that proves your reason
- Additional supporting evidence based on your incorrect assumption reason
- Transition sentence

The idea behind this discussion is to prove that you are on the correct side or that your opinion is valid. You can do that and still avoid the C/C discussion using the suggested format above. This will also help your essay remain on point by providing a thoroughly developed discussion focused on the C&C requirements of the paragraph. The only way to properly discuss this topic is to have the writer support and prove his opinion. The examiner will not judge you on the validity of your opinion, just the way that you defend it in clear, understandable English.

Writing Feedback / It is not necessary to travel to other places to learn the culture of other people. IELTS task 2 [3]

You have to learn to divide your thought process into individual sentences. That must be done so that you can meet the minimum 3 sentence requirement per paragraph. You could have presented the original prompt and response as follows:

The information highway, mass media, and printed materials allows everyone to go on learning adventures without having to leave their homes. So, it appears that globe trotting is not longer required just so people can experience other civilizations. I cannot agree with this statement because traveling offers a learning experience that 2nd hand learning cannot offer.

By offering a clear representation of why you disagree with the statement as the main purpose of your discussion, you will be able to present a clearer prompt paraphrase and response. This gives the examiner a better idea of how well you understand the English language and your ability to represent your sentiments in your own words. Your version does this to a limited extent. You have to work better on your vocabulary usage and synonyms in place of the keywords from the original presentation.

In the second paragraph, you made it clear that the topic sentence is about how reading about travel and actually experiencing it are two different things. You used the example of food for this part. After you mentioned food, you did not offer a supporting explanation to justify your example. You instead went on to offer other topic sentences, all of which do not have a supporting explanation. So the examiner will score this as an under developed paragraph, leading to a low C&C score. When the discussions do not connect in the paragraph, it is not coherent and not cohesive in presentation. Only one topic is required, supported by examples and reasons to make your point with clarity in the paragraphs. The same issue exists in the third paragraph, further lowering your C&C score in the process. The total essay will be deemed under developed and little explained. You did not even pay more attention to one section of the explanation than the other, so the discussion is truly problematic.

There are also GRA issues with your essay which, I believe, will not make a difference because you are not presenting a good essay in the first place. Work on the clarity of your explanations first. Then we can worry about your GRA scores.

Writing Feedback / The bar chart and table below give information about health care resources and life expectancy [4]

Make it a regular practice to review your essays prior to submission. This is so that you can catch the correctable errors in spelling, grammar, sentence formation, and thought presentation which can affect your final score based on the individual scoring criteria. In this essay, you have several spelling and grammar errors.

Spelling:
deliquency = delinquency
behaviors = behaviours (spelling difference between UK and American English)

Grammar:
Pronouns are used in sentences based on the intent of the presentation. So the form you use for the presentation should be in tune with the sentence requirement:

- This takes they to imitate = this takes them to imitate

Proper sentence structure:
- This makes them imitate...

Conciseness issues:
Do not use ordinals in an essay. It does not help to clarify your presentation explanation. Avoid using First of all, Secondly, Thirdly.
Use statements of certainty to make the intent or explanation clear in the sentence
- games have to raise awareness = games must raise awareness
- possible reasons = reasons

You must always use a voice of authority in your essays as you must convince the examiner of the truthfulness and validity of your opinion / explanation. That is why you cannot terms that could depict uncertainty in your presentation. Clarity is achieved by the conviction of your statements.

Scholarship / Working and studying time - Write a short essay on something of personal importance to you. [2]

The response does not feel right. Something of importance to you should be a belief system, a personal value, or something or someone that has helped you to become a better person. The paper starts out doing just that but, when you start talking about your mother, the focus of the discussion changes, making the paper about a horrific time in your life instead. That does not fall in line with the "something of personal importance" to you. What you can do is reverse the presentation to suit the prompt.

First, discuss your mother's mental instability and how it affected you. Explain how the treatment led you to become a determined person. Your desire to get away from her should have driven the development of your self-determination in this essay. Explain the way by which you discovered that you are a determined person and why you believe that this character trait is very important to you. Relate it to the development of your maturity as a person, try to veer away from the discussion about your mother at this point. She must only be a catalyst, but not the main topic of the essay. You could however, explain that your mother-daughter relationship was the basis of your determination to succeed in your studies. Aside from your studies though, you should try to depict another instance when your determination helped you in life. that way you show two instances of the importance of determination in your life, making it more applicable to the prompt requirements.

Scholarship / Proposed study essay for AAS - Water Resource Engineering [4]

Do not give the reviewer information about your college and career background. The application of your proposed study / course should be forward thinking. That means, the relevance of the course choice, must relate to your future plans of which your masters course choice will be of help as a learning tool. You should use the following elements of your current essay for the revision:

- I would like ... water resource issue.
- I choose to pursue Master of Engineering because the future of water resource infrastructure ...complex task for engineers.
- Aceh has always ...water resource utilization.
- I believe there ...water resource studies.
- University of Technology Sydney because it encompasses the use of GIS in its civil engineering course.

The last part about the university needs to be better written. Not basing your reason for choosing the university on researched information, explain how the university will provide you with the technical skills training that will be required of the engineers and why their learning program jives with the requirements of your job back home. Do not use the information you have now. It does not tell the reviewer anything he doesn't know about the university. To make your essay stand out, you need to provide original information that ties your course choice and university choice with your potential as a future engineer in your country. Explain what work related problems the course choice will help you resolve in short form. Then relate the technical training from the university with that as well.

Based on the paragraph and sentence choices I offered you above, you should be able to revise the essay to be more directed in approach and also, allow you to relate your future plans for water use in Aceh with the course choice and university option.