Letters / Motivational letter for Master degree at Freiberg University of Mining and Technology -- [2]

Remove the reference to your IELTS results. It doesn't flow well with the rest of the paragraph. However, you can say that the English curriculum enticed you even more to enroll at the university because of your interest in improving your existing English spoken and written skills.

Your letter is actually quite good, content-wise. However, it requires some professional editing to remove the run on sentences and deliver a more appropriate formatting of the letter. You can actually do the editing yourself. Shorten the long sentences by delivering only one idea or explanation per sentence. Use a period instead of a comma to separate the presentations.

The written English in the letter is not perfect but it clearly delivers your thoughts and motivations, which is the whole point of the letter. So, save for some editing problems, the letter delivers on all fronts. It can be made stronger once you apply the edits I mentioned above.

Letters / Motivation letter for a master program called English linguistics in Tübingen Germany [2]

Your motivation letter should accomplish a clear goal, that is, to explain why you decided to study English linguistics in Germany. It does not require your academic background. Rather, it demands that you inform the reviewer, in short form, about the reasons why you decided to take on this masters course. Aside from your desire to become a Forensic Linguist, what other factors motivated your decision?

The motivating factors need to cover your desire to develop yourself on a personal basis, through your immersion in German culture and, your academic interest in pursuing an understanding of the history of the German language. Bear in mind that your studies can and should also cover the linguistic type of country that Germany is. They speak West Germanic, Northern Low Saxon, Low German, English, Dutch, Afrikaans, and Frisian. So your motivation to study there, based on an academic goal, should relate to the varied languages that you can learn about aside from English Linguistics. If you show that you have a varied interest in languages motivating your desire to study in Germany, allowing English to only be the main focus of your studies, the motivation aspect should become stronger in your letter.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for Masters in System Engineering [2]

The first part of this essay is really not worth the time you took to write it. It does not apply to the statement of purpose in any way. Your statement of purpose should answer a specific set of questions, which will inform the reviewer of considerable information with regards to your application.

There is no clear career purpose designated in your essay. Enrolling in a PhD course in the future is not a qualified goal for someone who is still trying to get into masters school. Answer the question: Based on your current career experience, what future professional heights can you achieve by the completion of this course? Define how you will use the course to aim for career advancement. Illustrate how the lessons learned will be applied to your present and future workplace. That will be the purpose of your essay.

The extreme focus on your academic background is misplaced. A masters student must have at least 2 years work experience in the field. The experience should relate to your course of choice. That said, only a summarized background of your undergraduate course is required. What you should be focusing on, is proving that you have the foundation to do extreme amounts of research. That is why masters students often relate their thesis with the interest in the course you are pursuing. If you can show a relationship between your thesis, your current work responsibilities, and your masters degree thesis goals, then you will have proven that you have the abilities with which to complete this course.

Currently, your essay speaks of future plans you want to complete for your motherland. Wrong approach. You are taking a masters course to allow yourself to grow personally and professionally. The motherland should not factor into this discussion. The masters course is all about continued education with regards to the continued development of your profession. This essay does not reflect that at all.

Writing Feedback / Environmental protection - THE TASK 2 WRITING ESSAY. [2]

You need to avoid run - on sentences. It makes the sentence presentation difficult to understand. You also should avoid simply saying what you will discuss in favor of outlining your discussion. You must also make sure that you directly respond to the question being asked. So, an alternative presentation for the paraphrase is:

The safe keeping of the environment is seen by most people as a duty solely belonging to the government. The reason for their thinking is that as human beings cannot do enough to safeguard our natural habitat. I wholeheartedly disagree with this belief based on two reasons: the socially responsible people want to help the environment and, people can have a tremendous influence on others when it comes to protecting our surroundings.

You need to be careful with your word choices. Your LR score will receive deductions with every wrong word that you use in your presentation. The vocabulary is important. The wrong word usage will create confusion in your presentation and affect your C&C score. Take for example, the following presentation:

Most people who active in party politics have more experiences and worth words than citizens.

I am very sure that you meant to say "worth" not "words". Worth indicates the value of something such as the experience of citizens. Words, are just that, words. descriptions. It has nothing to do with the power of people to effect change.

Your essay is choppy in terms of content. It doesn't really make sense towards the end because you either suddenly include information without using a transition presentation or, you include an idea without an explanation. This created a confusing paragraph presentation. The result? A lower C&C and GRA score.

This is not the kind of essay that will get a passing score. Maybe you have the ability to improve your writing skills and written presentation over time. I cannot be sure of that at the moment. I will only be able to tell after assessing several of your upcoming essays. I hope to read those soon.

Writing Feedback / WRITING TASK 1 of IELTS: teaching parental skills to reduce juvenile delinquency [2]

The prompt paraphrase is incomplete. The more accurate way to have close that paragraph was with the first sentence of the next paragraph. So it should have been:

I disagree that it would represent the best way to mitigate this phenomenom. Several reasons can explain why it is of great importance to train parental skills for fathers and mothers.

The last sentence would have provided the discussion outline, as implied since it was not directly called for, in support of your opinion. By the way, the word is phenomenon was misspelled in your presentation. LR points deducted for that.

Improper use of an apostrophe in the reasoning paragraph. To show ownership it is written as "parent's" not "parents' ". Never start a sentence with the connecting word "because". The sentence is improperly formatted. Point deductions in the GRA section. The second reason should have its own paragraph since it is a totally separate discussion from the first reason. This is only a 4 paragraph essay. So you do not need 3 reasons. The second reason in the first reasoning paragraph made that overly long but still under explained. It did not really create cohesiveness between the two topics in the same paragraph. That is why it has to be moved down to its own paragraph. Remember, most of the task 2 essays will require only 2 reasons for the discussion, in individual paragraphs. Combining 2 reasons in one paragraph is a waste of time that could have been used editing your work.

The concluding paragraph is a run on sentence. Use the 3-5 sentence format at all times. That is the proper paragraph format for a task 2 essay and that is what will get you a better GRA score.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Diagram on rainwater processing. [4]

Use more synonyms in the presentation. You still used the original word "town" in the presentation. Alternative words are community, municipality, township, among others. You need to be a wide reader and highly familiar with the English language and how it uses alternative descriptive words in order to do this. Using a thesaurus should help. Use it only during your practice test. You cannot take that to the testing center with you. Try to memorize it if you can.

There is a word choice error when compared to the original. The original said "chemicals", plural form. You said "chemical", singular form. This shows a lack of accuracy in your reporting. Also, you could have used an alternate word such as "cleaning additives". over time, you should be able to identify when your essay score will benefit from a synonym usage in terms of LR considerations. The gutters are already existing so the correct term is "installed". Installing means it is still being attached to the house. Work on your word / action progression knowledge (install, installing, installed).

Ideally, you will score better with 175 words. So increase the word count by writing a maximum of 5 sentences. Never write just 2 sentences per paragraph. While you will meet the minimum word requirement, you won't get a scoring boost from simply meeting the word count or going just a few words over it.

Writing Feedback / WRITING TASK 1 of IELTS: Customers at Three Restaurants [5]

You have to be accurate in your descriptions. Remember, you are delivering a data report to the examiner. So accuracy in the presentation is important. That is why I have to point out the inaccuracies in your presentation:

- This is not a "char". This is a Line graph. There is no such image as a "char" but there is a "chart". Spelling is important, it can make an accurate word inaccurate when spelled wrong.

There is an incomplete summary overview. The summary overview should have indicated:
- The correct chart identification
- Names of the diners
- Measurement type (by the hundreds of customers)
- Day measurement coverage
- Trending statement (suggested but can be located anywhere in the data presentation)

The number of the customers fell to 100 in the third day, but rose back up to the start point. - For which diner?

You should have at least 3 paragraphs represented in this data report. You do not have that presentation format because your summary overview is incomplete and your last paragraph only has 2 sentences in it. A series of sentences is only considered a complete paragraph when it has 3-5 sentences in it. Good job avoiding the creation of run-on sentences though. Your presentations has an acceptable number of complex sentences.

Writing Feedback / Are computers the most vital innovation? [2]

Amy, do not focus on using big words such as "athaneum" in the essay. I know, you found a big word in the dictionary and could not wait to use it. Guess what? Using complicated words that do not really fit in the overall sentence representation will not help your score. Mostly because the word was used out of context. That means, instead of increasing your score, you actually deducted from the LR score. The examiner will look for proper word usage in the paragraphs. He will also be on the lookout for the smoothness of the word in the sentence. That means, the sentence has to feel natural when read. In this case, that did not happen. You could have used the word library instead and gained a LR score boost instead of the deduction that this word represents.

You should also be concentrating on writing clear English sentences. No matter how simple the presentation, if the meaning is clear to the examiner because the word choices were correct, you will get a scoring consideration instead of a deduction. The first sentence in your first reasoning paragraph was just a big mess of incoherence. It did not provide a clear topic sentence for the examiner to consider. Let me show you a better way of representing that sentence:

Your Version: The first reason, date system of computers can store a great amount of documents without wasting the storage space as a manual way of writing.

My Version:. Consider that the computer can store vast amounts of data in the form of documents and books, within its memory. This allows the library to collect more information in digital form instead of wasting space storing printed books on a limited number of shelves.

While your presentation was shorter, it was not as clear as my presentation, which was divided into single sentence explanations for clarity / coherence in the presentation. Thus making my presentation the better one.

Your second reasoning paragraph lacks coherence because of the two topic presentation. The two topics your presented were not related to one another, creating a non-cohesive paragraph presentation. The second part should have been a separate paragraph, with a fully developed supporting presentation. These under developed explanations will affect your TA score adversely.

Based on these two problem points alone you will be able to understand why your essay cannot be given a passing score. It does not qualify due to the problematic TA, LR, GRA, and C&C presentations.

Letters / Application Letter to Master's Program in Environmental Science in Germany [3]

I wish you had identified what kind of application letter this is (personal statement, motivational letter, statement of purpose, other type) because I cannot review it in a detailed manner unless I either know what type of paper you are writing for the application (there is no such thing as an application letter) and / or the writing instructions for the letter. In a general manner though, I can tell you that the letter is okay. It is a bit long, focuses on too much information, and doesn't really strengthen your application at this point because it does not have a clear direction nor purpose. So it is alright, in the sense that you made a cover letter for your application forms. That is all this did. Unless you can properly focus the letter based on the prompt requirements, the reviewer may not know how to take all of the information you provided. It just seems to be trying to be all of the application essays all at once, instead of focusing on only one point for the presentation. Kindly remember to post the writing instructions and / or the essay type next time you post here. That way I will know how to direct the corrections for your letter.

Writing Feedback / Ielts task 2 Problems caused by living in a foreign country speaking another language [4]

The pivotal prompt restatement is so unclear in your version, the reader will undergo stress while reading it. Even several readings of the first sentence do not make any sense. It lacks a proper representation of the prompt. Your response to the question, as well as the possible discussion outline at the end of the restatement is partly correct. Party correct because, while you gave a measured response to the dis/agree question, your discussion outline does not represent the proper discussion points. You changed the discussion slant of the essay because of it. You could have been more prompt adherent in this essay had you used something similar to the following:

When a person moves from one country to another, that person will have to learn to speak a different dialect. Learning to communicate with others in a second language can prove to be challenging for most people in terms of building community relationships and everyday living situations. I completely disagree with this idea for two reasons. Those reasons are that speaking a new language offers one a learning opportunity and having a second language tends to have career benefits

As you can see, by providing the response to the question and the outline of the discussion reasons, you will be able to create a task accurate essay that focuses on the proper format for the reasoning paragraphs. In this case, there is no way your discussion will ever go off topic because you already outlined your discussion reasons at the start. So the examiner can tell that you understood the given discussion topic and that you will be responding in a proper format to the essay. What happens in this portion is that your score will see a TA score boost. Right now, the lack of clarity in that section of your writing will prevent the essay from achieving a passing score.

Good work on the reasoning paragraphs though. Although there is still a noticeable C&C problem in the presentation and the GRA needs a lot of work, you were able to deliver the required elements that helped the examiner understand what you were trying to explain, albeit in a difficult to understand manner. You formatted the paragraph properly with:

- Topic sentence
- Explanation
- Example
- Supporting explanation

I would have liked to see a transition sentence at the end of the paragraphs though. That would have helped to better portray the cohesiveness or connection of the current paragraph to the next one. It would have also helped your C&C score and perhaps, lend a boost to your GRA score as well. The LR score would have benefited from a better vocabulary usage though. The problematic sentence structures really pulled down the scoring potential.

Avoid run-on sentences. Your concluding paragraph should have been separated into 3 sentences that represent the concluding recapitulation of the discussion. That was another section of your presentation that would have dragged down your TA score. Spelling errors, grammar issues, word choice errors, and a host of other problems really will prevent this score from achieving a passing score. There are too many errors for me to correct in a single post. I would like instead to focus on the immediate problem of your essay and also, give you a boost of confidence based on what you did right. That way, you will understand when I tell you that you need to be more careful when you write. Always ask someone close to you who knows how to read and write in English to review your work. They can help you spot the errors and fix the mistakes. That way, you will get used to always checking your work before saying it is ready to be graded.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Advantages and Disadvantages of being a celebrity [6]

Sorry my advice took so long to get to you. The essay was posted in a section of the forum where contributors do not normally post. I had to inform the forum administrators about your error. They are the only ones who can transfer your post from one section to another. So, let's get started with the assessment. Please be more careful with your postings. Posting in the wrong place delays the help that I can offer you.

There is, what I believe to be the better approach to this discussion. However, if your tutor has other teaching methods in mind that run counter to my advice, then you should opt to follow your tutors advice instead. I do not want to force you to learn the method that works for my students since my students focus on my advice, the way I ask them to accomplish their essays, all of which result in a band score of 8-9 for most of them. Again, if you have other writing teachers, it will be useless for me to help you. You cannot combine 2 different teaching styles. You will be bound to fail. I can see from the advice that you give the other students here that you have another teacher, so I do not understand why you are asking for help at this forum since you did not really apply the corrections I gave you the first time.

You already know the sentence number requirement per paragraph and that you have to avoid run-on sentences. However, you created run on sentences , confusing sentences, in your overall presentation. Now, unless you are just copying my advice as you give it to the other students, but you do not really understand why it has to be done that way, you will not increase your scoring potential. Being able to give advice to others, and you actually being able to apply the advice you give to your own writing are two different things. I do not see you actually applying the advice that you give others to your essay. The 3-5 sentence requirement applies regardless of the paraphrase, reasoning paragraphs, or concluding recap. The clarity of the paragraphs, through the use of proper simple and complex sentences, not run-on sentences also apply. Unfortunately, you did not apply those properly to your essay.

Your reasoning paragraphs are under developed. You only give reasons, not real explanations that justify the reasons you provided. I told you before, one reason per paragraph is sufficient. You are not being scored on knowledge, you are being scored on your ability to provide clear explanations that can support your reasons. You have to prove that you can explain yourself in a manner that can be understood, That is why you are being asked to focus on one reason, with examples and explanations for your reason.

There is no use for ordinal numerals in these essays. Only topic sentences. Topic sentences help show your English comprehension skills. The ordinals do not help with the coherence and cohesiveness of your presentations. Only topic sentences and transitions sentences can do that.

There are several other errors in this essay, but they all go back to the previous advice that I gave you. If you are following your tutors advice in writing, then you should have your tutor review your work. I will not be able to help you anymore. You only get further confused and will not be able to develop a writing style that will help you during the actual test.

Graduate / The success of a person depends on the right kind of education - SOP for Masters in Computer Science [2]

Do not treat the statement of purpose as your academic biography. The presentation in this essay does not really relate to the requirements of a statement of purpose. What you wrote is more similar to a personal statement. So you might still be able to use this essay, if a personal statement is required. You can set this aside for now and adjust the content if the time comes for you to use this essay. In the meantime, let's work on getting you a proper statement of purpose.

Open the essay with a story. Something about an incident at the office that made you realize that your undergraduate training is sufficient for the job, but not sufficient if you want to continue climbing the success ladder within this career. This will be the hook for your essay. From there, discuss what the job, at its complicated point, requires you to do which you know you cannot accomplish without additional academic and technical training.

Next paragraph, discuss your relevant training as an undergraduate. Why do you think this training, added to your work related exposure, make you a good candidate? It would be better to indicate a relevant research paper you wrote during college and explain how you continue to pursue your research exposure and how you hone your research skills as a professional. Use evidence within the workplace or additional training given by the office to back up your claims.

Now comes the important part. Why did you choose this university? How do you see the university helping you achieve your 5 year career plan? Why do you think that the university can train you to achieve these career advancement plans?

The goal of the statement of purpose is to prove that you are skilled enough to complete the course you have chosen through your professional exposure, not so much your undergraduate and family background. So focus on the points that matter. Those are the points I tried to guide you in writing using the instructions above.

Writing Feedback / Television advertising should be prohibited for young children. [4]

Your essay needs to lower its discussion. It is too morbid for a topic that simply asked if you agree that advertising directed at children age 2-5 should not be allowed. Your reasons are not related to childhood understanding. You are discussing this as if the children have already become adults. That is not the scenario presented in the essay. Advertising directed at children are shown at a specific time, when children are watching. Adult commercials are shown during prime time, or when only adults are watching.

The discussion for this essay should have focused on simpler considerations. The simpler considerations are how children could ask parents to buy toys, clothes, and other accessories their parents cannot afford, children could see the financial discrepancy in their lives when there are things like kiddie vacations being advertised that their parents cannot bankroll, simpler stuff related to the whims and caprices of kids. Nobody needs to be discussed in a violent form in your discussion. It really threw the essay off the mark. Stick to the effect on the child, not the future effect on the the adult who was a child.

Writing Feedback / This modern life has provided more opportunities for women to take a part in many sectors [4]

You are being asked to present 2 opinions on the given matter. You are not being asked to discuss the benefits of the topic in the essay. After presenting a prompt restatement, your final 2 sentences should have presented an outline of the discussion topic. You should have presented 2 separate sentences that indicated the opinions you would have discussed in the reasoning paragraphs. So your implementation of the discussion instructions is incorrect. This is a direct opinion essay that requires you to outline your discussion for the benefit of the examiner, who can judge your English comprehension and GRA skills at this point, and yours, as it allows you to keep a reference point for your discussion presentation. It will prevent you from discussing non-related information in the essay.

An apostrophe is only used either with an S ('S) to represent ownership. However, an apostrophe may also be used when a word ends with an S originally, also indicating ownership. It is never used without the letter S present. So saying "country' " in this essay will be seen as a grammar issue and lower your score.

There is a problem with the clarity of your declarations in the essay. The sentences are not capable of reflecting an understandable English thought process. Your English presentation in this essay is beginner at best, failing to actually represent what you want to say, which was probably understandable in your native language, but not in English. These coherence and cohesiveness problems are the main reason that the essay will not achieve a passing score. I can see that you have an opinion, you just aren't explaining it clearly or properly in the presentation.

Writing Feedback / DOSE EXTINCTION IS THE MOST PRESSING ISSUE NOWADAYS [4]

There is a simple rule of thumb for passing the task 2 essay. Keep it short. Avoid over writing. Writing between 275-290 has been found by most exam takers to be the perfect number of words to write if you want to pass the test. These are the magic numbers that will assure you of enough editing time during the 40 minute test. Remember, it is not the word count that will ensure a high score, it is the editing time you use in perfecting the presentation that will do that.

You must familiarize yourself with verb forms. The following is an example of your incorrect verb presentation with a correction applied:

The world we living in is... - The world we ARE living in..
Reason: We is a plural pronoun so are must be used as the present indicative plural

Noun phrasing:
... people every years - every YEAR
Reason: People refers to the plural form of a person. However, every refers to a singular form of the number of days. Hence, year instead of years.

These corrections should be enough to get you started with regards to your grammar issues. Your presentation is good. Your discussion is acceptable to a certain extent. You see, you forgot to write the concluding summary. You used your personal opinion as a concluding statement. Since this is only a 5 paragraph essay, you should follow the format below to meet the presentation requirements:

- Paraphrase with discussion outline
- Public POV 1
- Public POV 2
- Personal opinion
- Summary recap

This is a better essay that is normally posted here. However, it might not achieve a 5 band score just yet. Remember, you have problematic grammar presentations and an open ended essay presentation (no concluding paragraph). You also under discuss certain paragraphs because you focused more on presenting reasons that properly developing the explanation of the first reason using the 5 sentence format requirement:

- Topic sentence
- Explanation
- Example
- Supporting explanation (optional)
- Transition sentence

Once you resolve these issues, you should be able to easily achieve a higher than 5 band score. You show that you have the potential to achieve at least a 7 with your next practice essay. I am excited to see if you can actually achieve that.

Writing Feedback / Schools should encourage instead of forcing student to learn a foreign language [3]

I am unable to review your essay for content responsiveness, coherence, and cohesiveness due to the lack of the original prompt statement. It will be difficult for me to give you content advice when it might be wrong as I do not know the instruction parameters. Kindly provide the prompt for your next essay. In the meantime, here is a general grammar review of your work.

You have to limit your work to no more than 290 words, regardless of whether you are taking the pencil or cbt test. Do not focus solely on the number of words you are writing. Make sure instead, that your essay adheres to all the scoring guidelines. That means, you need to allot at least 10 minutes for the review and editing of your work. Something you cannot accomplish if you persist on writing 300++ words for your essay. You will simply run out time to do so.

Grammar accuracy is important in this test. That means you will get a higher score if you limit your grammar range errors. In this essay, you neglected to use a comma even though a conjunction existed in the sentence;

... when they study something , or they plan... ( I added the comma in the presentation).

You should not use comparative forms either if you do not know how to structure the sentence:

more lively and effective = livelier and more effective

You have a problem with the plurality of words. When you say "two main", that connotes a plural form. So the next word, reason, should be in plural form as well (reasons). This will turn the sentence into a formal presentation as opposed to the current: ... two main reason why. There is no need to include "why" in the presentation. It creates a pidgin English presentation.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1: The chart shows the percentage of renewable energy in total energy supply in Australia [3]

While your essay is over the word count, it has problems with punctuation and grammar presentation that will force the failure of your essay. Your paragraphs are not properly divided into individual sentences. You are producing run-on sentences which affect the understandability of your sentence presentations. Always divide the sentence into one topic per presentation. You may show your GRA skill by piecing together no more than 2 related ideas into one sentence. All paragraphs need 3-5 sentences to meet the paragraph requirements.

You do not use punctuation marks at the end of your paragraph presentations. These indicate open ended sentences and will be considered improperly formatted presentations, further reducing your GRA score. You must use varied punctuation marks throughout the essay. The most commonly used are the period and comma. Better scores can be gained through the proper use of parenthesis, semi-colon, and colon throughout your presentation.

You failed to use word alternatives to show your English vocabulary range. Renewable energy could have also been stated as green energy, recyclable energy, and other similar representations. By not finding an alternative word to use, you also lowered your LR scoring potential.

Writing Feedback / whether company move to the rural is a good thing? [2]

You should not be offering a personal opinion in an essay that only requires you to discuss the topic in an A/D form. The essay never, not in any prompt section, did it ask you to present an explanation of your personal opinion. This is not an opinion essay, just an A/D essay. So your approach is all wrong. You should not have included this section in the paraphrase section:

In my opinion...

That created a prompt deviation, which made your discussion approach incorrect. The correct format:

- Paraphrase
- Disadvantage
- Advantage
- Reasoning summary

No personal opinion should be indicated anywhere since it was never specified for mention in the original discussion. Make sure you have at least 3 sentences in the reasoning summary. One sentence does not represent a full recap of the topic and discussion elements. You will lose points for inappropriate paragraph presentations.

Writing Feedback / Opinions differ on whether students are afforded the right to learn what they really want [2]

The prompt is asking you to discuss this from 2 public points of view and then from a personal point of view. You are not following the prompt format for the discussion so you will lose points for that. You turned the compare and contrast essay into a solely personal comparison essay, which is not what the instructions provides for the discussion.

This particular sentence is confusing. It does not make sense:

It is certainly true that allow students to choose comfortably their majors would rather than force them.

What happens when a student is forced to choose a course? What is the outcome when they study a course they like? The sentence needs a subject. It is confusing at the moment and I cannot even hazard to guess what you are trying to say. This will definitely pull down 2 scoring sections for you, the GRA and C&C sections.

Truth be told, the essay will fail due to a total lack of coherence in the presentation. Coherence is defined as an overall sense of understandability. The ideas you present have to fit together in the written context, so that the reader can understand what you are trying to say. The cohesiveness of the essay will also come from the coherence of the presentation and how it connects each sentence and paragraph to create a full and complete discussion. That does not exist in this essay so there is no way you will achieve even close to a passing score with this presentation. The C&C section will automatically fail the overall score.

Undergraduate / Why did you choose chemical engineering? [3]

This is not a statement that actually responds to the prompt. Your reasons are generic. It could apply to any course, not just engineering. There is no personal insight, motivation, career ambition, or even academic consideration being represented in your response. As such, this response could actually end your application process. It is so void of useful information that I cannot even pick out a section that I feel you can use to help you create a more favorable response to the prompt. You need to consider your personal reasons for choosing this course. Provide 3 things in your response:

- Academic considerations (your grades in science and math)
- Professional aspirations ( starting career ambitions)
- Insight into the future of chemical engineering based on your interests in the field

Writing Feedback / Internet plays an important role in daily life recently [6]

I cannot offer you a comprehensive review of your essay without the complete prompt requirements. You forgot to include it with your post. It is crucial that you always include that because the suggestions for improvement in your writing approach will be based on those instructions. I'll just give you a general review for now. By the way, even if you wrote this essay by computer, you should not be writing 333 words. That means you created several errors that you will not spot because you spent your time writing, without giving consideration to reviewing and editing presentation errors in your essay.

The pronoun I is always capitalized in these types of presentations. It is never written in lowercase, regardless of the method of writing (pencil or keyboard). Work on your comparative forms. "More lazy" is incorrect. "Lazier" is the correct comparative form (Lazy, lazier, laziest). By the way, when you use an apostrophe at the end of the word, it should have an S accompanying to indicate ownership. In this case, internet does not require an apostrophe at the end of it.

Limit your paragraph to one topic sentence per presentation. All of your paragraphs are under discussed. That means, your reasons are good, but the supporting evidence and discussion is not. That is normally solved by discussing and fully supporting only one topic sentence per paragraph. You don't need to overload the essay with information. That isn't the benchmark for a high score. The true benchmark is the clarity and quality of your presentation. Which, in this essay, is severely lacking.

Writing Feedback / Air travel has become more prevalent by virtue of providing flexible options of price to passengers [3]

Two problems with this essay:

- cut and paste of the phrase "cheap air flight"
- Changing of the discussion instruction

Once a word or phrase is used in the original prompt, the student is advised to avoid using the same phrase in the restatement to help boost his LR and GRA score. The LR score is based on your knowledge of the English language and the GRA score is based on your ability to explain the prompt in your own words or understanding. So, rather than saying cheap flights, you could have said affordable overseas travel or airplane tourism, or any variation thereof.

The original discussion instruction is:

OI: Discuss both view and give your opinions.
YI: From my point of view, this issue has its own pros and cons as discussed in the essay below.

You were being asked to discuss the following public opinions (points of view)
- cheap air flight gives ordinary people more freedom
- cheap air flight should be banned because it polluted the air and brings many other problems.

A compare and contrast essay was required for that part of the presentation, before your personal opinion. In your format, you made it a personal opinion discussion based only on pros and cons. That means you failed to follow the required discussion format. That error will cost you and prevent you from achieving a passing score with your essay.

Writing Feedback / Extra money for employees' exceptional work - how this management approach is effective? [2]

Let's start with the lack of synonyms in your restated introduction. The description "extra money" was already used in the original presentation so you cannot use it again in your own statement. An alternative word would be cash bonus, cash bonuses, or simply a bonus / bonuses. You need to avoid using the same words in your own essay because that will have a negative effect on your LR score. It will show that you have limited English vocabulary that can prevent you from properly explaining the topic of the essay you were provided.

Next, you have to remember that when you are asked specific questions in the original prompt, you will need to provide one sentence responses, one for every question, within the final sentences of your prompt restatement. The examiner requires those responses to help show that you know how to properly outline a discussion topic. That will also help you after your brainstorming because you will not need to refer to your notes while writing your essay. The outline will already be right in front of you.

In the second paragraph, you went off topic towards the end when you spoke of the negative effects of giving bonuses. The relationship in question is only between the boss and rank and file employee. That is the focus of the discussion because the boss is the one giving the incentives. So the other employees and how they feel about employees who receive bonuses do not matter. That is not part of the discussion. That should be removed from the presentation.

You should not have included the topic about sending an employee home early in the 2nd reasoning paragraph. You did not fully develop that discussion so it did not really help your essay moving forward. However, the presentation after that, about allowing employees holidays, was right on the mark and should have been the only explanation presented. Mostly because that was the more developed response to the question.

By the way, you need to be careful when typing and writing. You accidentally started a paragraph with a lowercase letter. You should start all sentences, regardless of paragraph place, with a capital letter. Errors like that can affect your GRA score in relation to grammar accuracy.

Writing Feedback / Creativity of older people in business, comparing to the young workers [3]

Your first paragraph, which is supposed to be a prompt restatement isn't very clear. While the first sentence might have offered some introductory elements to the topic for discussion, there is a missing sentence in the middle that should tie in the discussion topic, the reason for the discussion,and your response to the prompt question or instruction. Since you did not provide the original prompt, I cannot explain to you how to fix the confusion in that part of your essay.

Good work with keeping on topic within your 2 reasoning paragraphs. You clearly understood that this is a single opinion essay and as such, requires you to focus only on the defense of your opinion as stated in the prompt restatement. In the last sentence of your last paragraph, you used a non-existent word. I think you meant to say "puzzles", not puzzels. Regardless, the word was used in the wrong manner in the sentence. You meant to use the word "part" as in "indespensable part of the company".

Kindly include the prompt next time so that a better review can be provided for your work by a contributor.

Writing Feedback / Three Steps to Create an Enduring Marriage - Rough Draft for peer review [2]

Your thesis statement should not be presented in the second paragraph. You have to present that as a part of the introduction in the first paragraph. The first paragraph should be the ramp up to the actual discussion. That means, you present the backstory or personal insight into the topic, creating the foundation for the total presentation. Additionally, professors dislike it very much when the student kicks off the essay with a paragraph riddled with quotes and in-text citations. Like I said, that is supposed to be a simple presentation of the topic that will be covered in the research. Normally,a student is advised to avoid using quotations or paraphrasing within the first 2 paragraphs. The reason being that professors see these presentations more are a means to achieve a word count, rather than actually helping the student present a better understanding of the discussion.

Writing Feedback / Australian Bureau of Meteorology weather prediction - Cambrigde 1, test 2, writing task 1 [2]

This is actually a 4 paragraph report. Why is it 4 paragraphs? Look at the image. It is a flow chart. A flow chart indicates how information is disseminated after analysis. in this case the chart flows in 3 ways:

- From the satellite
- from the radar
- From the drifting buoy

The information presentation requires 3 descriptive paragraphs. You only wrote 2, which were not data accurate. You need to identify the process by information source, not left and right, top or bottom. The overall essay shows a lack of clear analysis and understanding of the image you were given.

You misused words in the essay: begging = beginning. The overall presentation is confusing because of presentation redundancies, and a lack of proper analysis of the information. You needed to spend a bit more time outlining the procedures, based on the 3 sources of information so that the presentation of the data paragraphs would have been clearer.

You are not prepared for the advanced reporting system yet. You do not have enough English vocabulary nor understanding to be able to pull off these intricate reports. Use only the basic reports for now. You are just getting started anyway. Don't use the complicated stuff yet. You are simply not ready for it.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: DEBT CRISIS: should banks examine financial ability? [2]

Your last sentence in the paraphrase totally ruined an otherwise perfect restatement and response. Do not give an opinion or suggestion where it is not required nor indicated in the original prompt. You were only asked for the extent of your dis/agreement and you put it forward in a highly impressive manner. Too bad you had to go and ruin your TA score with the addition of that non-required sentence at the end.

The second paragraph is problematic. There was no real explanation being provided, just reason after reason after reason. You would have done better to have simply split up the first paragraph presentation into two parts, representing 2 reasoning paragraphs. The first paragraph was overly developed due to the numerous topics presented. The better balance and cohesive/coherent presentation could have been better achieved if you had just made the "Such objective probes" the second paragraph. It was still related and offered a deeper insight into the discussion.

Writing Feedback / To what extent should people try to have a good work-life balance? [2]

Do not use the pronoun "we" since the reference pronoun in this prompt is singular. So use the pronoun "I" instead. While your approach is acceptable. A more enticing and interesting essay will use a hook to entice the examiner to read more and also, convince the examiner that he has the proper English analytical abilities to respond to the prompt. The hook will help you create an outline for your discussion, which will also help increase your overall score.

Rather than a comma, use a connecting word the following presentation: It was during the forced lockdown, I realised the adverse affects my work had on my health. While the comma adds a dramatic effect, and is useful in creative writing presentations, an academic paper would flow better with the use of the connecting word "that" to indicate a connected flow of thought or action (in this case). Additionally, write out the word 5-star. Never use an asterisk to represent that in an academic or professional paper. That word is always spelled out. Never take shortcuts. Avoid contractions and punctuation marks in place of actual words. That just reeks of unprofessionalism and could affect your scoring potential.

If you are referring to notable personalities, do not make names up. It is either Steve Jobs or Bill Gates. There is no such person as Bill Jobs. The examiner will allow you to get away with lies in your presentation, but, he will draw the line at actual popular figures such as the two men who created the computers we use today. While you won't be scored down for it, why would you want to make up information if there is an actual reference for it?

Writing Feedback / Several languages are in danger - should governments spend public money on saving these languages? [6]

This is a 5 paragraph essay that should represent the following:

- Paraphrase
- Government should spend to save the language
- Government should not spend
- Personal opinion
- Reverse paraphrase

Since the original prompt uses the word "extinction", you should avoid using it in your restatement. Try to use a synonym for the word such as destruction, annihilation, elimination, or obsolescence / obsolete. Try to avoid using the exact words as the original because that shows a limited English vocabulary which will affect your LR score.

Your essay discusses only 2 out of 3 points of view required by the discussion instruction which is:
-Discuss both points of view and give your opinion

You selectively discussed the prompt requirements, for which there will be appropriate scoring deductions for under developed and/or selective discussion presentations in your essay. This will prevent you from achieving a passing score in the overall scoring consideration phase.

Writing Feedback / Discuss about the growth of juvenile delinquency [4]

There are actually 2 task 2 essay prompts related to the topic you have discussed in this essay. So I cannot be sure as to how to approach your presentation based on content requirements. Instead, I'll give you a general review that should cover both possible prompts. That way you will know how to correct your mistake, regardless of the actual discussion topic.

The prompt paraphrase needs to represent the topic, reason for the discussion, and a short form of your reasons and solutions. That is because there are a few direct questions being asked in the original prompt which require direct responses to help with the discussion outline in the body of paragraphs. Without the direct references, your essay will not score as well as it should in the TA section.

You are actually wasting word space by using introductory sentences in the reasoning paragraphs rather than topic sentences. It makes for unduly long paragraphs and does not work towards advancing your essay in a manner that would increase the scoring potential of the paragraph. Stop using ordinal presentations. That does not add to the cohesiveness of the essay. The examiner doesn't need to know that you know how to count, he needs to know that you can discuss the reasons in a connected manner (cohesiveness) The counts don't help you achieve that. You are not expected nor required to discuss in a numerical form. However, you are expected to present the reason for the discussion within the first sentence of the paragraph so that the examiner knows what the paragraph will be about. It will be better to use transition sentences instead of numerical references in the paragraphs. The transition sentence can help advance the content and also, increase the overall score due to its overall scoring applicability.

Your conclusion does not work well. There is no clear reverse paraphrase being presented. There is no summary of the reasons, nor do you properly list the suggested solutions. Your concluding paragraph is too short. It doesn't work for the purpose it was intended.

Writing Feedback / Scandals are useful - GRE Issue topic [3]

The phrase "many few" is a contradiction in terms. It is either there are many or there are few. You cannot refer to both. While it sounds creative, it does not create clarity in your sentence presentation. This is a major drawback for your writing skill. There is a missing reference to the discussion method proposed in the original prompt. You need to express a clear measurement of your agreement with topic as a part of the first paragraph. While the GRE allows you to begin an immediate discussion of your opinion, you first, need to clearly express that opinion within the opening statement.

You are not offering a defensive argument against possible contradictions to your position. The essay requires you to anticipate any counter arguments and respond to them. The essay clearly lacks an analytical representation as you failed to present any possible debatable positions that you presented a defense for. Based on these observations, it is safe to say that your essay could probably score within the 3 range. Mostly because you presented a limited position and did not anticipate an expanded discussion based on additional, related topics.

Writing Feedback / Why drinking age is under 21 years old in USA [4]

Regardless of the wrong title that you used for this post, one thing is clear. You are writing a critical art review. Without knowing what the review instructions are, I will only be hazarding a guess as to what it should contain and what it is lacking in the presentation. I feel that you did a good job with the individual review of the paintings and the intention of the painter. However, there does not seem to be any connecting discussion point in your presentation. Where is the reference to commonalities in the art? What themes connect the images? What mindset did the artists share? What do you think the true representation of the era was? Your presentation lacks in the connected critique of the art work. As far as I am concerned, the presentation is good on an individual basis, but lacks tremendously in the shared analysis of the work. Now remember, I am not familiar with the instructions for the critique writing so I am not really sure if my review will work for you or not. However, based on the art papers I have completed reviews for before, I think I am somewhat on the right track with my review of your work.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING: Undereducated people [3]

This isn't just a chart. It is a bar chart. Be specific about the type of image you see because every chart has a type. Bar, column, line graph, etc. The identity of the chart adds to your TA accuracy score as this is a required element of the summary overview. You need to list the countries as a part of the information recap. Again, this is because the countries indicated will allow the examiner to know what area of the world the measurements pertain to. The image does not indicate that the measurement is done by percentage.

Do not make any assumptions regarding the information presented in the chart. It could misinform the reader. Instead, define the measurement as simply, a rate, standard, or comparison point. That section of the paragraph is the perfect spot for you to utilize your synonym knowledge and increase your LR score in the process.

Learn when to start a new paragraph. The Task 1 essay has a minimum 3 paragraph requirement. This allows you to perfect show off your writing skills. Aim to write 175 words as 156 words are not enough to highlight your true English writing abilities. Just don't write more than 190 words in the process.

Writing Feedback / Essay about setting homework to students with positive and negative views - IELTS task 2 [2]

It is one way of discussing the essay topic. It is a good start though you have errors in your discussion approach. You only represented one public point of view before presenting your personal point of view discussion. You are short by one reasoning paragraph and could lose TA points and word count points because of that.

The better format will be to withhold your comment / opinion on the topic until you have done a complete comparison discussion for the 2 opinions. The essay is testing your analytical skills and as such, should be formatted as follows:

Par. 1 - Paraphrase (no opinion stated. Rather, indicate an opinion will be based on the comparison discussion)
Par. 2: - 1st Public pov (2nd person / group pronoun usage)
Par. 3 - 2nd public pov (2nd person / group pronoun usage)
Par. 4 - Personal pov supporting one of the two public opinions (first person pronoun usage)
Par. 5 - Reasoning paraphrase and closing sentence

While you may offer a point of view immediately in the paraphrase as a part of the discussion outline, it is best to use the analytical method of discussion so that the reviewer will see some analysis related vocabulary that can help increase the TA, LR, and GRA scores.

The error in your version is that you only focused on one public point of view instead of 2. Where did the other public point of view go? You seem to have focused only on one public point of view instead of both before discussing your personal point of view. That is not the way to write this essay. 3 points of view are required by the prompt so 2 reasoning paragraphs must be found in your presentation.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Part 2: People are tending to purchasing stuff from online marketplaces [4]

Being a single opinion essay, you need to ensure that you provide a defense only for the side that you support. You do that by using the The topic sentences for each paragraph to show the strength of your argument. For example, you can approach the essay with the following discussion:

Most people view online shopping as a convenient replacement for real-time shopping. However, hazards for this type of shopping prove to be one of the biggest disadvantages of online purchasing. There was this one time when I purchased a usb through online shopping and...

My cousin also purchased a dress online and the size was wrong...

You have to make sure that the reviewer knows that you are basing the disadvantage on something you experienced because that is what the essay instructed. It says you have to base the reasons on personal experience and other knowledge. So, in no particular order, the reasons should be one first person pronoun paragraph, then a second person pronoun paragraph. You don't have to worry about information accuracy. You are not going to be scored on that. You can lie about the information if you want to. It is more important to use the pronouns implied in the essay for the GRA scoring considerations.

Writing Feedback / We most resent in others the very flaws that we ourselves possess. [5]

Let's focus on the grammar issues for now. It appears that you have word choice errors in the essay. This was caused by commonly confused words. There is a difference between "to" (used for expressing motion or direction toward a point, person, place, or thing approached and reached, as opposed to from) and "too" (adverb, meaning also, excessively, or besides). You meant to use the latter word.

Also, you need to learn in what written situations you need to use a comma after an introductory element such as in the presentation "Finally, when I accepted...". There are also times when a comma is needed to insert a pause, to give the reader time to understand what you are saying such as, "... and try to correct them, we won't resent..."

I don't remember if I warned you before but you need to stop using contractions in your writing because you are practicing academic English writing. Always spell out the word (don't = do not, won't = will not).

Do you have access to formal English writing textbooks? There are available sources in Playstore that you can download. I suggest you download those books and read them so you can learn more about academic writing, without the use of formal tutors or teachers.

Scholarship / Why I chose the course - Austalia Award Scholarship - Master of Marketing Communication [2]

The new essay is still not going to work because of the lack of reference to your current career and your potential to apply your course of study to its advancement. You are writing an academic essay so phrases like "I would love to learn" should never be found in its presentation. You should be using words that are more academic sounding in nature.

Since there are two course of study involved at two different universities, you should be delivering individual explanations as to why you chose each institution. If you read what you have just written, you will see that you focused on explaining your proposed course, but you did not qualify why you chose the institution in relation to your career goals and its academic requirements. While explaining how your undergraduate course did not prepare you for this career path, you also need to explain how whatever foundation you got from it helped you to perform your task just the same, but that now you need more focused education to go further down this career path.

Edit the reason why you chose the courses so that you can allow some word allowance to explain why you chose the institutions. Right now, there is no representation of those reasons and those missing references may very well be the reason you are not considered for this scholarship a second time.

Scholarship / Australia Scholarship - How will this scholarship contribute to the organisation's human resources [4]

The essay misses the point. It does not make any reference as to the Australia scholarship and it's contribution to the HR situation of your organization. Think about it this way, normally, the employee of an organization pursues a higher line of academic study using office sponsored student opportunities. You will be using a separate scholarship instead. Explain why that is so. Based on that explanation, the reviewer will be able to understand why it is important that you get the necessary training for your profession. Only after you explain that part can you go on to the currently written paragraph.

What is the word limit on the statement? Just in case, you will need to work in the explanation I indicated above in a way that merges with your current statement. What you wrote is not actually and essay since it is less than 250 words. It is only a statement and, as such, can still be expanded based upon the maximum word requirement of the application form.

Explain why there is a need for you in particular to receive this training. What duties do you perform in the company? That will explain the HR development needs better than the above reference. The discussion you provided does not really relate to an HR need in this case. So you need to develop the essay from the HR standpoint.

Letters / Letter of Motivation - Master in Materials Science, specialization Functional Materials [3]

The letter is a bit vague in terms of your actual qualifications, any exceptional talents you have in this field, and a career related reason for your choice of course. Your undergraduate research is not a part of your current career qualifications that make you fit for this program. You must express your qualifications in a manner that relates to your current job and potential career path that you wish to follow. The prompt is clear. You need to have a career goal in relation to your application. Prove the applicable nature of the course of study with the job you are doing now and whatever job it is you wish to do in the future. Qualify yourself for the program based on your work related skills and other applicable training you may have received while on the job.

As a motivation letter, this appears to not have any. Your motivation to enroll in the university is not of concern to the reviewer. He already knows why you would be interested in enrolling at the university based on commonly known reasons. The motivation should go beyond that. It must always focus on your career goals. The motivation should have something to do with an ambition that you have for your future in this field, of which the Masters program can prepare you for.

Focus on developing the essay based on:

- I believe that the theoretical ...makes me a qualified candidate for this program.
- This Master program in functional materials would be a key stepping stone towards a career in the aerospace industry
- The acquired knowledge ...metal alloys and composites.

Believe it or not, for all the words that you wrote, these are the only aspects that actually apply to the requirements of the motivation letter. So develop a new motivation letter based on these 3 key factors. When you speak of your career in the aerospace industry, make sure you have a final ambition in mind. Perhaps as a space vehicle developer, a future astronaut, a space mining specialist, anything that ties in your interests with your undergraduate background, current career, and your future career path. Highlight any academic or professional accomplishments as a part of the reasons why you were motivated to pursue higher study.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: modern innovations bring a lot of problems than benefits [4]

Why are you presenting a negative reason in your first reasoning paragraph? Your essay was doing well until you did that. Remember, you should pick one side, stick to it, and discuss only that side within the 2 reasoning paragraphs. Don't alter the discussion. It might send you off track discussion-wise, which means the essay cohesiveness and coherence will suffer the consequences.

The word "However" connotes a counter representation. Do not use that word if you are trying to create a supporting sentence. Learn how to use words properly in the English language. The wrong word used in the wrong context will fail your LR score if done often enough.

When describing current actions, use present tense language. Hence; "... sophisticated machinery workS much better..." . Don't forget to use a comma after a conjunction like "together , and companies..." Also, beware of the way you use technical jargon. It is not "real time date", it is "real time DATA". Again, a grave LR error.

You must improve your English vocabulary. Make sure you understand the meaning of words before you use it in the essay. Too many point deductions can occur when you do not use the words properly in a sentence.