Writing Feedback / Some people believe that it is good for students to have the same teacher for several years [3]

Your response went off topic. You have only 2 choices for your response. The response should have been based on only the 2 discussion topics presented:
- it is good for students to have the same teacher for several year
- students benefit more from having new teachers each year

Your response was never part of the given discussion parameters:
- I think the choices should be relied on each student's apprehension,

That is an incorrect response. You need to pick a solid side to discuss on the essay based only on the given choices. You changed the discussion parameters with your response and you will lose points because of that. By keeping your actual response for the concluding aspect:

-I personally think it is better to have new teachers each year.

You presented a new discussion topic instead of wrapping up the essay with a concluding summary. This response does not help your essay score based on its placement. It created an open ended instead of a properly concluded essay. You cannot present a new discussion point in the concluding paragraph. You will lose points for not properly summarizing the discussion in the paper at the end of the presentation.

PS. I do not think you meant to use the word apprehension in the presentation. Apprehension is defined as "suspicion or fear especially of future evil : foreboding". Maybe you meant to refer to a student's personal preference, choice, or considerations? I am not exactly sure about what you wanted to say in that paragraph.

Writing Feedback / Should ads targeting children be banned? (Ielts - writing task 2) [4]

You have to work on your reasoning paragraphs. Believe it or not, you have extremely long discussions in these paragraphs that over reach in explanation. Your reasoning paragraph flies off tangent because you are trying to represent several types of information in one paragraph instead of the standard single reason with proper supporting sentences, examples, and transition sentences. While you think you did a good job because you presented several reasons, the fact that you did not fully develop each reason in terms of relevance to your stance is what will lower your overall score. Do not mistake a long essay filled with reasoning topics for a good essay. You score well only when you properly justify your reasons. That is why you need to limit your reasons to 2, one per paragraph. It is the clarity of the explanation that matters, that is what you are scored on, not the number of reasons that you can deliver.

Letters / Master of Science in Big Data - Motivation Letter for Applying Scholarship and University [2]

You have to shorten the motivational letter. Try to keep it within 5 paragraphs. Remember, you have the instructions for writing the motivation letter for a reason. You should only be using a total of 4 paragraphs for this essay but, due to the qualifications, experiences and qualities indication in the instructions, I am advising you to cut this down to 5 paragraphs instead of the 4 represented in the guidelines. You can either have a professional edit this essay for you to meet the motivation letter requirements or, you can decide which aspects you want to present in the motivation letter and edit the essay yourself. The first half of your letter that focuses on researched information and a reference to the development of your interest is totally not required in this presentation. Those are the paragraphs that made this letter extremely long, in a highly irrelevant manner.

Essays / How I answer this Question for Fulbright scholarship [8]

You were able to give an outline of the reasons you will be studying the course. However, you are not justifying your reasons. You will need to expand the discussion to a more informative type. You are just rattling off reasons, but not explaining the application, importance, and future career considerations. Read my previous response. It tells you exactly how to expand upon the reasons that you have just provided. The reasons are good. You just need to make sure that you explain its relevance in relation to your career. How does this specialization affect your career plans and choices? Why do you believe this is important for you to study? Describe everything in relation to your career. Don't just rattle off reasons, make sure to explain the reasons why.

Writing Feedback / How many people suffered from diarrhea in Mashhad throughout the period from 1983 to 1992? [3]

Unfortunately, this essay will not be receiving a passing score because it is only presenting 118/150 words. There will be TA deductions applied for writing below the word count. The penalty for this will be around 1.19 of your score. So you can see why it will be improper for me to continue reviewing your essay. I make it a policy never to give an extensive essay review if the student does not meet the minimum word requirement. I do not do that because your essay is not fully representing your English writing abilities. If you decide to post at this forum again, make sure you meet the 150 minimum requirement, 175 being the ideal number of words, so that I will be able to do a proper and accurate review of your writing skills, errors, and other grammar considerations.

Scholarship / Why did you choose your proposed course and institution? Master of Engineering (by Research) [3]

The proposed course is too theoretical in representation. You need real world or actual career applicability as part of the reason for your course choice. You have completely described the course outline and program qualifications, but you lack the professional reference to the applicability of the course. The choice of course has to be balanced between the career goal of the person applying and the academic benefits (with regards to career progression) of the course. Remember, theoretical references to the academic aspect will be useless without a career based application.

As for the university choice, remove the reference to the ranking of the university. The ranking does not matter. What matters are the perceived benefits that you will get from the university based on theoretical and practical training that you can receive. When you refer to the researchers from the university, mention some of their popular research that have been applied in the real world / within your career requirements. That would make a more convincing reason for your choice of university.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 2 - Most of world's problems are caused by over-population. [4]

You have not followed the correct format for the presentation of this essay. The first paragraph in a Task 2 essay is always used as a prompt paraphrase. That means, you deliver an explanation of the original prompt, including a response to the discussion question/s (when required), you do not change the prompt by creating an opinion essay from the very beginning. So, this essay will be seen by the examiner as having an inappropriate format. The proper rephrasing for this essay is:

The world is admittedly, beset with seemingly unsolvable complications. The reason being given for these problems is that these all stem from the overcrowding of the planet. I am strongly in favor of this belief due to a few considerations.

As you can see, your response is not proper. You have not answered the question provided in the original prompt. In the process, you have accidentally changed the discussion slant of the essay. That means, your response does not have a proper format. However, what I did see in the reasoning discussion is that your response has become partly correct. The only missing aspect? A proper response to the degree question. Had you done that, your essay would have had a better chance to score in a passing manner.

The question is not whether you believe overpopulation is the cause of the world's problems. The question, is to what extent you agree with that given assumption? Your degree of (non) support should have been supported by 2 applicable reasons. Your essay did not meet these requirements and therefore, cannot get a passing score.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: Will artificial intelligence replace teacher in classrooms. [3]

It is never risky to place your personal experience as an example in the IELTS test. In fact, it is a requirement. More than one essay discussion asks the students to provide information based on general knowledge, information, or personal experience. There is a reason for this. You are not allowed to use the computer at the testing center (if you are taking the computer based test) for external internet based research. An IELTS test is an academic essay, but does not require academic research in its completion.

One of the main purposes of the test is to prove your English comprehension skills. That means, you should be able to prove that you actually understood the discussion question and how it applies to current events or academic life. By using your personal experience and knowledge as an example, provided it fully relates to the discussion, then you will have accomplished the most important task of proving your English comprehension skills to the examiner. Using commonly known current events also has the same effect. However, I would caution about using current events in the essays because sometimes, it comes across as researched or memorized information instead of personal knowledge or experience. Be careful with how you word current events references in your essay to avoid such misconceptions on the examiners part. Life experience + being well read using international sources of information / newspapers will definitely help you with writing your examples and supporting reference information.

You don't need to use your first person pronouns in the presentation, you can use any of the references in your examples. However, when the prompt clearly indicates what kind of pronouns to use, then make sure to use it. In this case the main pronoun to be used is first person singular because it asks "Do YOU agree or disagree?" If it asks "Do WE agree with it?" Then use first person plural pronouns. The clues are always in the original prompt. No need to fear when using personal examples. You can't go wrong.

Writing Feedback / Employers should be concerned about how efficient the employees work, rather than by their clothing [4]

Since you changed the prompt discussion topic and discussion instructions in your paraphrase. The automatic score for this essay will be, as per TA requirements, a 1. Your answer is not related to the task provided. To illustrate:

OP: To what extent do you agree or disagree
YP: I still believe that employees should only be judge by the quality of their work.

So you changed the original topic:
Some people think that employers should not care about the way their employees dress,

Which is based on the reason: what matters is the quality of their work

Your topic became: employers should be concerned about how efficient the employees work, rather than by their clothing
Based on the reason: I think dress play an important role in workplace

The outline above clearly shows you where you went wrong with your prompt paraphrase, which also affected the format of your presentation and caused you to present an improper discussion format in the essay. As such, I cannot continue to review your other errors. You already made a mistake with the discussion of the topic so you will not be able to score higher than a 1 with your presentation. Once you make a mistake with deciphering the discussion topic and response format, you make a failing score error in your presentation.

Writing Feedback / The huge numbers of jobs could be substituted by robotic devices - Task 2 [2]

Why did you change the prompt for this essay? The actual discussion instruction for this essay is: Discuss both points of view and give your own opinion. Since you decided to answer only the third portion if the actual discussion prompt by offering only your personal opinion throughout the essay, you will only get a TA score of 4. This will be based on the fact that you only responded to one aspect of the prompt and thus, did not follow the discussion instructions as provided.

It will be useless for me to review your other errors in this essay because, when you add up all of the mistakes you committed in the other scoring sections, your essay will not reach the 5 band score. My advice for you is this, never alter the prompt. Understand what the topic is, what the sides for discussion are, and how you are to present the discussion in the essay. In this case, the discussion format was:

- Paraphrase
- POV 1
- POV 2
- Personal opinion
- Concluding paraphrase

Since this was not the presentation you used, the essay will not be able to get a passing score.

Writing Feedback / Describe a second-hand thing that you own. [3]

When you write descriptive essays, try to avoid the use of word fillers. For example, the word "Actually" does not really help create the sense of the statement. You could have a more concise presentation by starting with "Its first owner..." instead. Don't use words that would make it appear like you are not sure of what you are saying. Kawaii is one of the world's most well known first class piano manufacturers.

Don't say "probably one". Just say "one", you have to give the reader a sense that you take pride in what you own. When you say "probably" that is somewhat indicating that you are not very proud of the item that you own.

Again, avoid word fillers because it only adds to the word count but not the importance of the sentence discussion. "absolutely convenient" would have more of an impact on the reader if you said "convenient" alone. It conveys a sense of confidence in what you are writing.

Am not sure what you mean by "not quite emotional". As a fellow pianist, I know that the emotion of the music comes from the way we approach the keys while playing. It comes from the tempo and harmony between the pedal and the keys. So that sentence lacks clarity and does not inform the reader in a clear manner.

Avoid the use of conjunctions in your sentences. Remember, you have to get used to writing academically so spell it out at all times. Never use casual or slang English. It is never "doesn't" but rather, "does not".

The seller did not gradually discount the piano for you. Perhaps he allowed you to buy it on installment? That means he allowed you to pay for the piano over a given period of time before he turned the item over to you. Kawaii is not a piano manufacture, the company is a piano manufacturer. By the way, you afforded the piano without borrowing money from your parents. To borrow money, in this instance, means to to borrow (money) with the intention of returning the same plus interest. Lending means to let out (money) for temporary use on condition of repayment with interest. Since you did not let out money to your parents and instead, they let out money to you, there was no lending on your part, only borrowing.

Vocabulary usage in the proper context is important. Make sure you are using the word in the proper definition otherwise, you will have heavy points deductions during the actual test under the LR and GRA sections. Familiarize yourself with word meanings. Read a diction from A-Z and try to remember the meaning of the words so you can use it in the proper context. Watch more American or British shows, take note of unfamiliar words and look up the meaning. That way you will be able to build your roster of English vocabulary.

Writing Feedback / The appearance of computers is the most important revolution in both 20th and 21st century [4]

You under wrote in the second paragraph and overwrote in the third paragraph. Kindly remember that you are supposed to use a paragraph format for your presentation and that depending upon the type of question posed, the defense paragraphs should range from 2-3 paragraphs. When writing a dis/agree essay discussion, you only need 2 reasoning paragraphs composed of one of these 2 representations:

- A strong reasoning paragraph discussion plus a separate example paragraph to reiterate your reason
- A strong reasoning paragraph with an example sentence built in plus another reasoning with example paragraph

The latter format can be used if you have multiple reasons ( no more than 2 reasons) that you believe will help to strengthen your overall score in terms of C&C, LR, and GRA considerations. Otherwise, a single reason with a strong example paragraph will work just as well for your scoring needs.

In this case, you used several reasoning topics but did not really properly explain and provide an example for each. You are not scored on the number of reasons you provide. Rather, you are scored on the clear explanation you provide through connected reasons and examples that go from one paragraph to the next. Clarity is more important than word count in the Task 2 essay. It is useless to write almost 300 words if you did not have the opportunity to develop your explanation properly. The development requirements for each paragraph are:

- A strong reasoning sentence at the start
- A clear explanation of the reason
- An example that will help clarify your explanation
- A transition sentence that will connect this paragraph to the discussion topic of the next paragraph.

Please note that if you paid more attention to your spelling instead of word count, you would have caught spelling, grammar, and other vocabulary errors in your work. These errors should have been corrected prior to the submission of the essay. That is, if you had bothered to spell check and edit first which clearly, you either failed to do and did not care to do before submitting this essay.

commuicate = communicate

... But also - requires a comma after also

You do not capitalize a word after a comma. That is still lower case in writing provided it is not a proper noun or title of a person or book. Hence "Nevertheless. As" should be "Nevertheless, as..."

An Oxford comma should have been used in the series, "anyone, especially students, teachers or researchers". The comma should come after the word "teachers".

For a more academic tone, do not use basic English phrases such as "more and more". Rather, simply say "more". There does not need to be an exaggeration in the presentation. It sounds childish and non-academic.

There are still other errors located in your essay. These have mostly to do with the smooth GRA representation and proper English sentence formation. However, the errors I pointed out here should be a good place to start. The rest of the errors should be corrected and weaknesses improved as you continue with your practice essay. The good news is, you understood the prompt requirement and you were on point with your discussion to a great degree.

Writing Feedback / The diagram describes how coal is used to generate electricity for human activities. [2]

You are making an assumption in your summary overview that is not indicated in the diagram. The electricity is simply being produced. It is not being produced for human use. The electricity could be used for several types of activities so you should not be making any unsupported declarations in the report. You will be misinforming the reader. Stick with the provided data only.

Since the images are also indicated by letter, this is one time that the use of parenthesis may be advisable. As you discuss the image. You can say that;

The first step in the process requires the grinding of coal ( image A). The second step, as indicated in drawing B is... Then the next procedure (illustration C) uses... As seen in graphic D, the steam is then...

Using the actual image letters will help you outline the process in an even clearer manner in the report. It adds to the authenticity of the report, assuming that the reader has a copy of the process diagram.

Good work on the word count. It shows that you were focused on the clarity of your discussion rather than simply showing off your English vocabulary knowledge. You will score well because of the proper focus of your presentation. There were however, several grammar issues with your paper.

Pulverizer - Should be spelled with an S based on UK English and that phrase needs to use the connecting word THE as well so that it will have a proper sentence structure.

Smoke stack - (One word) smokestack

The essay is good. It can use some work in terms of presentation to further boost the all too important LR and GRA scores. Better reference words would have also been useful but overall, I believe you have met all of the prompt requirements.

Research Papers / Essay on private schools vs public school- review [2]

The first sentence of this essay is not really making any point. Additionally, you address people as those having to make a decision regarding education. Not all people will have children who will need to go to school. Be more specific, use the descriptive term "parents" instead to give the statement a more appropriate audience. Additionally, since this is a researched based essay, you should not be making any comments in the first paragraph that show how the paper will be leaning towards one side of the discussion more heavily than the other. That is where the bias comes in and that, is where the paper starts to fail as a research presentation. You should try to be without bias at all times. Just present the required information and allow the reader to come to the conclusion for themselves, without any influence from you as the researcher.

You may also want to revisit the topics presented in the essay. In order to not stray from the topic or lean towards one side more heavily, use a more detailed outline for your research. Since you have 10 pages, you can divide the presentation by page assignment. I would do it this way:

Page 1 - A detailed thesis statement offering the background of the private v. public school discussion
Page 2-4 Advantages and disadvantages of public school as per parental concerns, tax benefits, and educational and extra curricular standards
Page 5-8 Advantages and disadvantages of private schools in terms of educational standing extra curricular standards, and future college admission
Page 9-10 A comparison of the strongest and weak points of each educational system, leaving the conclusion that the choice is really based upon the parents decision and the observed natural abilities of a child. The child should be allowed to excel in a manner that will not weigh too heavily first and foremost, on the parents, and will now stress out the child too much in terms of academic and extra curricular growth.

If you know exactly what type of information you want to present, then it will be easier for you to decide which information source you will want to use. The personal bias in the current version is too obvious. It is a leading discussion which the reader may not agree with. It is always best to leave the research outcome vague in this instance to allow the reader the freedom to decide based on the provided information. Always balance the discussion you are presenting.

Scholarship / What reading have you enjoyed most in the past year and why? [3]

The middle part of the essay is simply a narration of the content of the book. It is not part of the reason why you enjoyed reading the novel. The enjoyment should come from something that you learned about from the story that either influenced your point of view as a person, inspired you to think about entering into a specific career, informed you about something you knew little about, or, just because it was light reading that entertained you as it appealed to a sense of relaxation for you. I do not get any of these reasons in your response. Aside from the historical and somewhat questionable authenticity of the book you read, there was nothing in your response that would explain where the enjoyment came from The last line of your essay would have been a good start towards that explanation but you did not pursue it. You just let it end there and thus, failed to truly give an informative response to the prompt. If I were you, I would take out the middle part and bring the last lines up as the second paragraph, developing it further as the focused response that the essay needs.

Scholarship / QuestBridge Biographical Essay -- my parents struggle making me want to succeed [2]

It is not advisable for you to spend so much time discussing the back story of your family. The biographical essay would like to get to know you in relation to your family relationship and how your family raised you. It is not about the life experiences of your ancestors. The best way to approach this essay would be to discuss life shaping moments that you have had with individual family members. Limit this to only the family members who have actually influenced your life in terms of academic mindset, career ambitions, and life goals. So start with your parents. One paragraph of 200 words or so individually for your mom and dad. Then use another 200 words for any words of wisdom that might relate to your life outlook based on your grandparents experience in life. Look for one of your teachers who inspired you to achieve academically. Describe how that influenced your academic and professional ambitions, another 200 words. Finally, use the last 200 words to wrap up the essay. Use your personal point of view to describe what you feel you collectively learned from these people that you would consider to be your future outlook, why you want to achieve that, and why these have helped to develop your personality and mindset as an adult. The focus should always be on you and your relationship to the people around you. It should not simply tell the story of the people related to you.

Writing Feedback / Writing task 2 - Parents responsibility (Some people think that parents...) [4]

Okay, you have a mistake in your prompt paraphrase. The discussion instruction is improperly presented. It is not the essay that will discuss the topic, the topic will be discussed by the writer based on a set of reasons, which will lead to the writer creating an opinion. So the last part of the paragraph should read like this:

Due to the varying ideas regarding this topic, it is important to consider the reasons behind the support that people give each idea. By presenting a discussion of these ideas, I will be be able to craft a personal opinion as the final word on this topic.

By the way, never say that a topic is debatable in a Task 2 essay. These are never debates. These are always discussions, comparisons, or opinions. There is never a fiery debate, a debatable topic, or an ongoing debate. Just word variations on the term "discussion". Examiners do not like the use of these exaggerated expressions as it removes the formal and academic discussion presentation of the given issue.

The format of your essay is not really based on the expected discussion presentation. Your essay comes across as a solid personal opinion, without considering the discussion as required by the prompt. The required discussion uses first, second, and third person pronouns or group / plural reference words for the 2 discussion ideas and then your personal opinion, uses first person pronouns in the presentation. That is because the essay needs to clearly point out the positions being discussed and whose side it being presented. It helps create the coherence and clarity in the discussion because this is your opportunity to use transition sentences in the proper manner at the end of each paragraph discussion.

Your lack of ownership words plus the singular opinion approach will be the reasons why this essay will not be able to achieve a passing score. Your reference topic sentences should be similar to:

Par. 2: Considering the people who think that... Their opinion is based on... That is why they use the example of...
Par. 3: Basing the idea of... on the belief of groups that... They have convinced themselves that...
Par. 4: Owing to these explanations, I have become enlightened about the topic. Using myself as an example... My experience therefore supports...

Plural and singular pronouns need to be used to show your GRA range. I have highlighted the pronouns used that will add to the score for that section. I have shown you the expected discussion format as well. While you did use various pronouns in your presentation, you have to understand that the IELTS is written in a specific method and as such, have an expected discussion format that the examiner looks for. Remember, the comparison essays with a personal opinion will always need 5 paragraphs and require the use of correct pronouns in the topic sentences located at the start of the paragraphs.

Writing Feedback / The amount of four different kinds of food used by people in an European nation from 1979 to 2004 [3]

This is a very well developed academic report that clearly understands its target audience. In an impressive 171 words, you managed to deliver an insightful and creative data presentation based on the given data. The problem is that the interesting data presentation has horrible GRA problems that could affect the final score. I guess I have to get into specifics so that I can better help you out.

For starters, the food listing presented was not "used", it was consumed. To use means to put into action or service. To consume, which refers to food, means to eat or drink especially in great quantity. See the difference? Errors in word usage like this will not only harm you GRA in terms of sentence accuracy, but also your LR score because you misused the term in the sentence.

There is a lacking verb in the following sentence:

... fish was the least commonly food in the Europe throughout the period shown.

Commonly what? Commonly eaten? Commonly enjoyed? The descriptive word which also acts as the verb needs to be indicated here.

You should always use the connecting word "the" in sentences that require it such as; "At the start of THE period." Also, it is not "the expenditure of beef", expenditure is the wrong term. The proper term to use is "consumption". Your synonyms need to play on the word "consumer" in this essay.

No present tense such as "compares" can be used in this essay due to the past time reference. "Compares" should be "compared" Why did you use the term respectively in this sentence? There was no comparison between two items in the same sentence that would have required that word such as "beef and were 120 and 250 grams, respectively."

You do not "used a significantly increased chicken..." You "see an increase in chicken..."

Your essay would have received at least a 5 overall for this presentation if the LR and GRA problems did not significantly decrease the scoring potential of your reporting essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Agree- Disagree: Funding for wild animal protection [5]

Your discussion has a tendency to go off tangent in relation to the discussion requirements. Your 2nd paragraph, in particular, was over discussed so it no longer stayed on topic in defense of the original prompt. Your first reasoning paragraph fared better in terms of defending your stance. It was somewhat on focus although it is filled with so much word fillers that you almost went off topic again.

Do not focus on writing too many words. Always stop at 290 words. Once you hit that magic number, you will have enough words typed so that you can focus on the important scoring considerations, the LR, GRA, plus C&C sections. At that number of words, you can focus on cleaning up your grammar and vocabulary errors. More importantly, you can review the essay for sections that lack clarity or stray from the original discussion. Editing these parts means you will get a decent score in this section once it is reviewed by the examiner.

You definitely have a problem with the LR section. That will weigh heavily on your points deductions because of your misuse of descriptive words. Some sample problems:

wildling reservations = animal reservations / animal sanctuaries / wild animal habitats (any of these words would have been a more appropriate description)

which are limited and non-renewable - Sources are limited but renewable. We will not run out of water, air, and food sources. The problem is that the demand is higher than the supply for some things such as water and food.

has been doubled since, redundancy when referring to past time frame.

Basically, the essay is only partly responsive to the prompt. It has a lot of problems in relation to relevant content, proper discussion, sentence structure and word usage. At this point, this is not an essay that will get a passing score yet. Hopefully I will see improvement that can lead to a passing score with your next essay. BTW, if you are not going to be taking the computer based test, try to time yourself properly. A handwritten essay with 321 words cannot be completed within 40 minutes.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Agree- Disagree: Government should assist disadvantaged people. [4]

This is not a measured response essay. So there is no need to "totally agree" with the given statement. you simply have to agree. Adiditonally, you are not providing an accurate paraphrase of the original discussion topic as you are including information not presented in the original prompt. Since you will be scored on the accuracy of your restatement, you could lose points for that. If you wanted to stay on point, a more accurate prompt rephrasing could have been:

A discussion regarding the care of out of work society members has been taking place. There is an opinion that the local authorities should not have to support the destitute members of society. I tend to not approve of such a line of thinking.

You have to recreate the presentation using only the provided information from the original prompt. That is because your restatement needs to be an accurate representation of the original.

As for your discussion. You are not discussing the topic in the proper manner. The idea behind the topic is that the financially impaired people need to be supported by the government in terms of livelihood and residences. You are assuming that these people are working, which they are not. You misunderstood the topic which is why your discussion is not properly aligned with the prompt requirements. Your reasoning is out of place and irrelevant to the discussion.

Essays / The recycling process in Australia - IELTS Writing Task 1 - Pie Charts [3]

You have to know the difference between a statement and a continuing discussion so that you can use the proper punctuation mark to separate the discussion. In this case:

Statement: Overall, the paper is recycled the most in the world.
Continuing Discussion: Meanwhile, Melbourne pays much attention to reprocessing glass.
Additional Discussion: Plastic is the strength of Sydney in the field of recycling waste.

These are the topic sentences per image reference. All you have to do, is make sure that you create an academic presentation for each topic sentence. The weakest discussion point here is the one about Sydney. You should have said;

Sydney recycles the most plastic materials when compared to the overall plastic recycling abilities of Melbourne and the rest of the world.

Note the clarity and strength of comparisons in my version. This is a sentence that clearly offers a necessary comparison of the given information as indicated by the discussion instructions. It is clear in terms of the topic, professional in tone, and informative.

Do not say "As regard to". That is an improperly formed phrase. The correct presentation is "With regards to..." You also need to take the time to improve your sentence presentations whenever you can. For example:

Meanwhile, just over one - in - ten of glass is reused in the world.

Will be improved by saying:

Meanwhile, the rate of reused glass items on a worldwide scale measures at one-in-ten.

Always try to use advanced sentence formation and more professional presentations whenever possible. Avoid redundancies such as "over twice as much". Simply say "Twice as much". I also have to correct: "... making it become the second rank" to the following: "making it rank second".

Writing Feedback / Should tax payers fund artists? Discuss both of views and give your own opinion [3]

Okay... if information is not stated in the original prompt, do not use it in your prompt paraphrase. Financially supporting artists is not a problem of society. There is nothing in the original prompt to indicate that. Do not exaggerate. Just stick to the given parameters for the topic. In this case, it is a mere discussion of an idea, an idea does not equate into a problem. Your reference point for the discussion is off base.

Next, the paraphrase itself is problematic. You are not covering the discussion instructions in your representation. While you did state the two public points of view, and even used the proper person reference in the discussion paragraphs, you failed to indicate that this is a compare and contrast essay inclusive if a personal opinion. Something like this:

Imaginative people who dabble in the arts are believed by some to be worthy of financial support by the government. However, an opposing belief indicates that these artistic crowd should be funded in a manner other than government subsidies. It is important that I present the reasons behind the public discussion so that I can give my personal opinion on the topic.

You have to remember that the personal opinion needs to add to the coherence and cohesiveness of the given discussion by supporting one of the two given points of view. That is done by developing a stand alone paragraph for your personal opinion. It is never presented as a single sentence in the conclusion. That is because the personal opinion needs to have a clearly stated point of view, properly defended and supported with examples within a paragraph.

The concluding paraphrase is located in the final paragraph. It must be composed of a restatement of the topic, the reasons provided, and a reiteration of your point of view. It is 3-5 sentences long and should properly remind the reader of the previous discussion points. That is why this is a 5 paragraph essay, not a 4 paragraph essay. Properly develop your paragraphs with clear explanations so that you can score better overall.

By the way, you have a big vocabulary issue. Tend means to means to exhibit an inclination or tendency. You meant to use the word trend, which means a prevailing tendency or inclination. You meant to use the latter term. Do not use words if you are not sure of the meaning. You are scored, within the LR and GRA section, on the accuracy of your word usage. One mistake, such as this one, affects 2 scoring considerations on a downward trend. That will not be good for your overall final score.

Try to use other punctuation marks in your presentation so help increase your standalone GRA score. Don't just use commas and periods. Try to use semi-colons and colons, apostrophe's and the like as well. The GRA score considers your ability to properly use a series of punctuation marks as well. Limiting yourself to the basics also limits your scoring potential.

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 2: Discuss and give opinion about certain talents and training [3]

You did an almost good job with this essay. You see, this is a 5 paragraph essay that has the following format:

Par 1: Paraphrase
Par.2: Third person public point of view 1
Par.3: Third person public point of view 2
Par. 4: First person point of view that supports one of the 2 public POV
Par. 5: Concluding paraphrase

You did not properly represent the instructions for the discussion in your paraphrase. You have to indicate that this will be a comparison essay that will offer information to help you create a personal point of view. You cannot have a personal point of view immediately because the essay requires a comparison discussion first. That is why you are given 3 reasoning paragraphs to work with in the middle of the essay. Consider both public opinions then support one based on your personal take of the discussion. Use paragraph 3 to discuss the pov that you will be supporting in your personal opinion / reasoning paragraph. The essay incompletely represents the required discussion format because of the neglected public point of view discussion. You will have points deductions because of the uneven discussion development under the TA section.

When presenting your examples using publicly known figures, you need to present the full name of the person for the benefit of the reader and also, to follow the rules regarding the writing of proper nouns. In this case, Ronaldo is a single name, known to soccer players and fans. However, his full name is Christian Ronaldo, for the sake of the reader who may not be familiar with the athlete, you have to use the full name. It is the academic way of writing. Always include the title of the person's occupation (Doctor, professor, chef, etc.) then the full name. It creates an academic presentation, increases your GRA score, and allows you to highlight that your vocabulary is extensive enough to know how to use titles with the names.

If you wish to score better, use your personal experience in the discussion. If you have a talent or skill that you developed over time, then you will get more points considerations for using yourself as the example in the paragraph. It creates an academic, yet personal discussion that the examiner will appreciate.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 2 - Memorising facts is the most important way to succeed in education. [2]

You failed the test the minute that you wrote your opening paraphrase. You cannot score higher than a 3 in the TA section because you do not express a solid opinion based on the provided topic. There are two reasons that you failed this essay. The first, is that you failed to choose a single opinion to defend in this essay. The second, is that you did not offer a measured response as an answer to the question. All essays, unless specifically asking for a comparison discussion or representing an A/D discussion, should be presented from the first person single opinion point of view. You will not be able to create a coherent and cohesive discussion if you are trying to defend two points of view in a single essay. Being a measured response essay, you only get 4 paragraphs to work with. The middle 2 paragraphs are where you are required to defend your stance in the following manner:

Par. 2: Provide your reason based on personal knowledge or experience
Par. 3: Use an extensively explained example to support your reason

Failing to do so will create a confusing read for your discussion. You actually failed to create a convincing essay because you did not want to create a solid opinion. Hence the problematic TA score which will always lead to an overall failing score. Once the errors in the C&C, GRA, and LR sections are added to the low TA score, you will not get close to a passing score.

You have spelling errors in the essay which you failed to double check because you focused only on the length instead of the overall quality of your work. Just because you can type fast doesn't mean you can type correctly. Spellcheck whenever you can during practice essays and make sure to spellcheck manually on exam day. Don't risk a low LR score. Each mistake you make means a lower score in that bracket which, when combined with other errors, will make you fail the test.

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1 The changes in the art gallery ground floor in 2015 and present day [3]

When you write the Task 1 essay, always consider the audience that you are writing for. Since you are writing this report for a professional, you have to avoid using inflammatory and misleading words in your essay. Using the words like demolished and drastic, when the more appropriate words to use are replaced and significant, respectively, means that you are not familiar with academic writing and logical information presentation. This will affect your LR and GRA score as you are expected to use academic and professionally descriptive tones at all times.

You should not be making assumptions in the essay. Providing reasons for the wheelchair ramp and the lift show that you are making personal observations in the report. These personal observations have no place in the formal data presentation because you are not being asked to offer an opinion or explanation for the images. You are to only report on it. Sure you can be creative, just avoid delivering an opinion while you are at it.

Don't forget to use a comma after an introductory element like "however", which you used as the starting word of a sentence.

Save for the misuse of vocabulary, your essay is pretty much on point. You deliver the required information and compare sections when possible. That shows that you took time to analyze the images presented. However, the errors you made in terms of the final copy of your essay tells me that you did not utilize any left over time you had to perfect the presentation. Always double check the scoring requirements. Make sure you have done your best to score as well as you in every section.

Essays / How I answer this Question for Fulbright scholarship [8]

The response to this question relates to your academic goals. Base your response on the next academic level of learning in relation to your undergraduate course. If say, you studied accounting in undergraduate school and you have worked for several years as an accountant, you are now ready for more responsibility as an accountant. What is the next step? Let's say that your interest in accounting has evolved to financial management. Why is financial management the next academic step for you as an accountant? Explain the difference between accountancy and Financial Management. Though both fields deal with money, each has a specific function that is independent of the other. So why would you want to transfer from accountancy to financial management? Describe the field of financial management in line with your academic interests and then, within the parameters of career advancement. You should be able to create a draft that I can review for more specifics based on this sample. You know what course you want to study, so explain it in a manner similar to the outline i have given you above.

Writing Feedback / Tourism explosion becomes an accumulated threat for the unique and worthy of visiting places [2]

This is a 4 paragraph, not 5 paragraph essay. You went overboard with the discussion points. There were only 2 vital discussion points for this essay:

Par. 2: The reasoning that you presented using an example.
Par. 3: An additional supporting explanation to help with the coherence and cohesiveness of your essay.

Do not focus on the length of the essay. If you are preparing for the computer based test, then you should be using that time to write a quick essay, with the rest of the time being used to edit and refine the content of your presentation.

Let's go back to the beginning. Your essay did not start in an understandable manner. There is a severe incoherence in the following statement:

Tourism explosion comes the accumulated threat of endangering the distinctive places that makes a destination unique and worthy of visiting.

This could have been better stated. A clearer way of representing the prompt would have been:

International travel is seen as an activity that has adverse effects on the host country. I believe in the truth of this statement because of two considerations. The first is that... That is why it is important that tourists... Allow me to explain further.

The current third paragraph of this essay is really out of place in the discussion. You only needed to represent 2 negative effects in a connected manner, within a single paragraph. Then introduce the solution in the next paragraph. You have to prove that you can fluidly think in English and also represent the smooth thought process in written form. You are not doing that in this essay. Remember, focus on clarity, not on length. You can write 290 words maximum, focus on the clarity of your explanation, and score a 9 with that essay.

Focus on clarity, proper vocabulary use, and proper grammar presentations, including punctuation marks. You have the potential to do well on the test day. You just have to make sure that you properly develop your writing skills.

Writing Feedback / International exchange programs benefit teenagers [2]

You have mixed up the essay discussion instructions. You are combining an extent essay with an A/D essay discussion instruction. Therefore, your approach for to the discussion will be incorrect. That is based on the original topic which is:

Some educationalists think that a programme of international exchange visits will offer various benefits for teenage school students. Do you think the advantages of it outweigh the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

As you can see, there is no extent reference to be found in the original prompt. Always make sure that you are responding to the essay in the correct manner, based on the original discussion points.

Your opening paraphrase is incoherent. It does not represent any portion of the original prompt. Nor does it represent a proper response to the original question. Due to this incoherence, your TA score will most likely fall under 1, your response is totally unrelated to the original task provided. Here is an example of a more appropriate paraphrase:

The globalist form of education has some teaching professionals wondering if the trading of students between countries for learning purposes will be truly beneficial to the adolescent participants. I believe that the purpose for this type of educational exchange experience offers tremendous benefits to the students that cannot be negated by any perceived disadvantages. I am offering several reasons for my point of view.

Avoid using word fillers such as "To begin with" and "First and foremost". While these words do add to your word count, it does not do so in a positive way. Every word that you use in the essay must help to build an understanding of your paragraph, allow you to properly use grammar and punctuation marks, and add to the coherence or cohesiveness of the essay. Word fillers do not do any of these things which is why it should be avoided at all costs. It will not even increase your LR score since the words do not really have any meaning other than helping to extent the presentation of a sentence or paragraph.

The LR score for this essay will be low because you are showing that you do not understand how to use English words in the proper context/ based on its definition. An overseas student is not "enforce" to step out of his comfort zone. He is "encouraged" to step out of the comfort zone. Word meaning difference?

Enforce - to compel obedience to

Encouraged - To inspire with hope, courage, or confidence.

Which of the two words do you think better fits the sentiment of your sentence? Right.

Your essay will lose heavy LR and GRA scores due to the lack of clarity and mistaken use of words all throughout the presentation. That means, the 2 factors that will determine your C&C score will not help to increase your score in that section either. So, these errors, plus the wrong paraphrase approach and response will not result in a positive outcome for you. This is not a passing score essay at all.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: Artificial intelligence used to drive car [4]

I am not sure but, it appears that there are 2 sets of researched information in your essay. Something that is not acceptable in the actual test which is supposed to be based on common knowledge and personal experience. The sets that appear researched are:

- Recent surveys showed that an average taxi service business spends 40% of their expense on driver wage and human resources management cost
- It is estimated that an average person in Vietnam spends at least 3 months and 2000 US dollar to learn how to drive

These types of tests always score better when the writer is basing the discussion on points of personal reference and consideration. For example, instead of talking about surveys, you could have discussed how labour disputes that relate to public transport can be avoided since human drivers no longer need to be hired. You could also say something about how you want to learn how to drive but the cost is prohibitive so having AI in a public transport car like a taxi or Uber would be more cost effective for you. Examiners tend to score extra points to students who show a clear understanding of the topic by using themselves as actual examples in the paragraphs.

Now, for some actual problems in your presentation. Learn the difference between UK and US English. Specifically, know how to spell the words differently. Labor in US English is labour in UK English. Also, try to be more creative in your sentence presentations. Don't use constantly used English expressions like "more and more". That is practically a memorized phrase in the eyes of the examiner. You could say "increasingly" or "more" without the repeated word instead. It offers a more formal presentation in the overall sentence.

Writing Feedback / Essay about discussing two views about protecting local culture and giving opinion [3]

Are you planning to take the computer based typing test in Ho Chi Min? If so, then you need to pay attention to the way that you spell words and the length of the essay that you will be writing. Although typing will be faster than handwriting, there is a greater chance that you will make spelling, punctuation, and other grammar related errors due to the ease with which you will be writing. Although you no longer have to keep track of your word count while typing as the computer offers you the word count as you type, you should still not go beyond the 290 words maximum suggestion for several reasons:

- It allows you a pocket of time to check for spelling errors (spellcheck is off in the computer at the testing center)
- You will have time to double check the relevance of your response to the prompt which remains on the screen
- You have the opportunity to adjust the presentation, format, and thought discrepancies within your presentation.

In your essay, I discovered several spelling errors which you missed because you neglected to proofread your work prior to finalizing it. People who type, with the expectation that word check will auto-correct the errors will be in for a surprise on testing day. The number of misspelled and uncorrected words will definitely drag down your LR score. Your mistakes in this essay include :

Religional = Regional
Infrastructre = Infrastructure
travelers = travellers
trave- travel
Futhermore = furthermore

Grammar issues includes the incorrect use of a noun when a verb is required: Regional cultures makes a contribution to... = ... Regional culture CONTRIBUTES to....

As I pointed out above, the clarity and cohesiveness of your work will be affected by the incorrect word references and spelling issues. Your second paragraph is actually misleading in content because your topic sentence is out of place. The actual topic sentence is the second sentence, the first one, does not really have a point unless you present the second sentence first. These are things that you need to focus on when reviewing your essay prior to the end of the time allowance.

Undergraduate / [PERSONAL STATEMENT] If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be? [2]

Let's consider what the prompt is asking you to discuss. What is it about your upbringing that you would change? That means, you were unsuccessful in trying to change that particular aspect of parental guidance in your life. However, your essay is not discussing something you cannot change. It is discussing things you were able to change in your life because you fought for it. That runs in contradiction with the discussion requirement of "What would it be?" meaning, the change has not happened yet. So your essay, though impassioned and impressive in presentation, isn't telling the reviewer the information that he requires. This has to be something that you wish you could change but can't. At least not at this point. It has to be something that you can eventually change, by attending college overseas.

I hope I was able to clarify the point of the essay topic for you. It appears that you will need to write a totally new one. With a new discussion slant and presentation. Think of the one thing that your parents have so far managed to keep you from doing because of the way you were raised, then discuss that. The problem with this essay is that the topic "taking control of your life" is correct. The problem, is that you have already successfully done that. What you need to discuss is something else that you plan to change in your life, based on your upbringing. Maybe enrolling in a course that your family does not approve of? To top it off, you will want to study that course overseas. Yes, I think that is something that you could use as a topic. Just a suggestion. You can use any topic you want.

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1 - The percentage of people employed in various sectors in California. [3]

The essay would have been well written if not for several flaws. Your time reference is off in some cases. When referencing information from 201, the reference time frame should be in the past tense. Only the data reference from 2020 should be given in the present tense. Additionally, since we are already in 2020, there is no need to refer to information in a predictive sense. It should not be uncertain since the information should be deemed to have already happened or is currently happening. Hence the future tense presentation format is not required, but the present tense discussion is.

You also have redundancies in word reference. Either say the percentage remains unchanged or, it remains stable. Unchanged and stable mean the same thing, no movement.

Singular - plural reference problems can also be seen, the reference word for worker should be workers, referring to the plural form of the word.

There is no need to capitalize the work field references as these are not proper nouns. By the way, to complete your summary overview, you need to always indicate what sort of measurement type is used. Also, since you are writing this essay for a university lecturer, it is best to use topic sentences at the start of the paragraph rather than a word count. A professor prefers to read paragraphs that are direct to the point. Don't beat around the bush. Just get to the immediate discussion at once. It will also help you increase your LR usage and GRA score.

Scholarship / Benefit of becoming a GOI-IES scholar - pursuing master's degree in Data Science and Data Analytics [3]

The essay needs work. There are two aspects for discussion that are required for presentation. You have over discussed the professional benefits of being a scholar in this essay. What you need to do now is shorten that discussion, focus only on the career development aspect of the discussion. You know what your future is supposed to be, so discuss how the scholarship can help you achieve that. Then stop after explaining that part. Move on to the personal development that the scholarship can offer you. This should be in relation to the global community that you will be a participant of. How do you see yourself contributing to the program so that the international participants will be able to experience a social and cultural exchange and experience. Go beyond just the academic and professional benefits of the program. How does your participation help widen the learning experience on a personal note for everyone involved? What do you hope to gain personally from your participation in the program? These considerations will help you revise the essay so that it offers a more comprehensive look at both sides of the program, not just the professional side.

Scholarship / Explain the motivation of choosing Ireland as your study destination - GOI-IES [3]

This is a rambling essay that does not offer a solid response to the question being asked. The best basis of your response will be your participation in the Indonesian Student Association in Ireland. That is because the organization will automatically help you promote the relationship of Indonesia and Ireland within both a short and long term time frame. Expand the discussion to focus on the course you will be taking instead. As a member of the association, what benefits will you have that will help in the cross cultural promotion of the two cultures first in Ireland and then in Indonesia upon your return? Use the Ireland based student association as the motivating factor that helped you decide to study in Ireland. Depict how the alumni of the organization enticed you through their effective cross cultural promotional activities and how you plan to enhance their current programs using social media, websites, and other promotional possibilities.

Graduate / As a GOI-IES Scholar, how will you extend yourself beyond your project/studies [2]

The most promising part of this essay is the last paragraph. Properly developed, it holds the most interesting method by which you plan to promote the GOE-IES scholarship in Indonesia during your time as a student in Ireland and upon your return to your home country. The second most effective method of promoting the scholarship is through the internship program. The sports club, not so much. So, if you decide to revise the essay, I would open with the Indonesian student association in Ireland. After you perfect that presentation, you can consider including the internship program, provide the internship program will tie-in with the student organization promotion aspect. Done properly, the combination of the two promotional ideas should make for a more interesting response to the prompt.

Scholarship / Why do you choose this learning course of Deakin University? Applying to the university in Australia [5]

Your reason remains unclear. You focused too much on the backstory without focusing on the reason why an MPH would be an applicable next career step for you. I grant that you were influenced into this line of study by the health problems of your country. However, you did not really qualify a connection between the two. If this is all about economics in relation to health then you better come up with a clearer explanation that will connect your current work duties with the advanced career opportunities that this course will allow you to pursue. All in relation to helping your countrymen of course.

The third paragraph is too informal when it comes to referencing the professors at the university. Address them in the paragraph as you would a colleague or a respected professor. What are their title descriptions? Professor, doctor? That will help add clarity to the paragraph. It seems too casual when referencing people of respect from the university. Right now, it sounds like you know these people on a personal basis, which I am sure, isn't the case.

Try to discuss what sort of socio-economic plans you have to address the health problems in your country. Reference how this plan will benefit from your studies and what career opportunities, related to socio-economic health advancement, will allow you to pursue. Your example at the end of the last paragraph does not work. Either remove it or add an explanation to support the example you are citing. The current presentation leaves that sentence hanging. The reader expects to read additional information in reference to that example.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1: LINE GRAPH ABOUT CHANGES IN PRICE [2]

I have to say, this is a very impressive task 1 presentation. It is almost totally accurate in representing the data. Almost totally accurate because you missed some information in the summary overview. You left the reader with lacking information when you said; " in the 3 food group products". What 3 food group products? You should have mentioned that as part of the information run-down in the same manner that you indicated: "..." That is definitely the way to go with the summary overview presentation. Letting the reader know about what information is presented in the chart early on helps the reader keep track of the information you will be providing and makes a self - explanatory understanding as to why the information needs to be presented and how.

I have a question though, where did you get the reference to the consumer price index? It doesn't show up anywhere in the original image. Just wondering. If it wasn't part of the original discussion, you should not include it as it misrepresents the information you are giving the reader.

When you write the plural form of vegetables and groups, and crops, you don't need to place an apostrophe at the end of it. You are representing the plural forms, not ownership forms of the words. Additionally, when referring to consumer indexes for the past 6 years, you don't need an apostrophe S at the end of the word index. Your spelling of the word is wrong and so that made the word usage wrong as well. You misused the punctuation marks in both instances, which will be GRA deductions based on improper punctuation usage. It will also result in lower LR scores because you improperly used the word representations.

As per GRA considerations, you should not use the "word in the middle of dashes" either. That is not really an academic writing form. A comma used just before the word "just" would have sufficed to show a pause prior to continuous reading of the sentence.

Writing Feedback / Can a country be more interesting and develop quickly when it has a mixture of nationalities? [3]

Your discussion approach cannot be considered effective. That is because this is a single opinion, not a comparison essay. As a single opinion essay, you are to state your opinion in the paraphrase section then, offer 2 supporting reasons and examples in the individual reasoning paragraphs. You are to focus the discussion only on proving that your supported side is the correct side.

The reason why you should focus on only one side to support is simple, you need to score highly in the C&C section to ensure a higher than 5 final score. When you do not use connected discussions to prove your point, your essay becomes tangential in response. The examiner will only score you on the paragraph that relates to the side that you indicated in the prompt paraphrase. So you will not only be lacking in word count, as the alternate side you will be discussing will not be counted as part of the official word count, but your essay will also not be supporting a solid side in the presentation. Both errors will result in severe TA point deductions. So the TA deductions, plus the partial C&C scoring will not be good for your final score.

The conclusion is short because you did not follow the content requirement for that section. You should have:
- Restated the discussion topic, this time based on the discussed information
- Indicated the valid reasons for your discussion in one or two separate sentences
- Repeated your supporting opinion
- Made a closing statement

Based on the above format, you would have had a properly formatted and relevant concluding summary / concluding paraphrase.

Going back to your prompt paraphrase. I found it confusing to read. Why were you referring to information not included in the original prompt? You changed the discussion parameters in the process. You said:

The rise of technology has brought many chances for people to move to another country.

However, there was no mention of this in the original topic statement which was:

A country becomes more interesting and develops more quickly when its population includes a mixture of nationalities.

The aforementioned topic was included in your paraphrase as a second sentence. This should have been the first restated sentence in your presentation. There was no reference to technology so that line of reasoning or discussion should not have been included in your version. The focus of the discussion was on how a country becomes more interesting when its people begin to be composed of mixed nationalities. Nationalities development of the country do not have anything to do with technology, based on the original discussion reference.

Writing Feedback / Temperature and hours of daylight in Mumbai and Moscow - TASK 1 IELTS [2]

Excellent writing. You made proper comparison points and clearly stated the information provided using a proper mix of simple and complex sentences. However, there were a few grammatical issues in your presentation. The first problem, is that you use the phrase "In which" at the start of a sentence. The phrase you chose to start the sentence with is only used as a connecting phrase between two related ideas in a sentence. It signifies a continuing discussion based on additional information. That is why it can never be used as a sentence starter.

In the last sentence, you indicted that the sunlight was higher. Actually, the sunlight measurement is never higher, it can only be longer or shorter. The heat of the sun can be measured in terms of highs and lows, but not the rate of sunlight.

A word of advice, when actual data is provided, do not use words of estimation nor indicate counter data such as "about 5 am" Instead, use the actual time provided for information accuracy. You should avoid using uncertainty in your presentation whenever possible to help you gain a better TA plus C&C score.

Writing Feedback / Pros and cons of media on gender inequality [2]

I am not sure what English test you are practicing for or what prompt you are responding to . Therefore, the best advice that I can give you for this practice essay will be related only to the grammar issues of your writing. You may want to provide the prompt and test type next time you post an essay here so that your work can be better reviewed. Thanks.

Try to use concise language at all times. Avoid using overly used phrases such as "In this day and age". It will be better for your writing to use simple words that convey a deeper meaning such as currently, now, or today. "Aforementioned reasons" could just as well have been effective had you simply said "reasons". Or "considering" in place of "In light of". Use descriptive words that actually describe what you are trying to say. Saying "... that dozens of press..." doesn't make as much sense as "... dozens of press people", which is what you were referring to in the statement. Know the difference between the ownership and plural form of a word. "Victims" is the plural form of "victim" while "victim's" describes ownership. It is the latter word that you wanted to use in this essay.

Since you are discussing your opinion in this essay, it is not advisable to use words of uncertainty that would show an indecisiveness on your part. "Almost always" should therefore be "always" in the presentation. Use an active voice in the essay. Don't use the passive , "... the victim will be protected by public opinion". Be active by saying "public opinion will protect the victim."