Writing Feedback / User Engagement for Social Networking Sites [3]

@irsaqisthi
Hi there. Thanks for coming to the forum! Here is my feedback on this writing.

While I think that you had a sufficient amount of analysis incorporated into your writing, I find that the text itself still lacks that technically and academically appropriate level of appeal. For one, you need to focus more on the transition words you are using and the punctuation marks themselves. If you are able to integrate these two in a more seamless manner, it would make the writing superficially better.

Packaging your words in a more productive way can also go a long way for you. For example, the second sentence of the second paragraph could have just said that Instagram and LinkedIn users show reserve results in spite of time spent on the sites. Notice how doing this makes it a lot more enhanced because you are using more complex and yet less dreaded formatting for the essay. Apply this throughout your essay.

Writing Feedback / Farming study - to secure a position as a food security policy analyst expert. [2]

@rinxyaw
Welcome to the forum. I hope that this feedback of mine gives you insight on how to improve this writing.

As I constantly mention to people here, clarity is extremely important when you are writing. The easiest way to go around this would be to ensure that you are logically following through with information that you're introducing. For instance, take a look at your first sentence. You mentioned that there are different kinds of wastes - and yet, you were unable to expound on what these are specifically.

While I think that it was great that you were able to slightly incorporate in the first paragraph the specifics of what your application entails, the second paragraph was still a bit loose when it came to tying these concepts together in an academically planned structure. What I suggest is trying to make smoother the transition between the first and the second paragraphs through incorporating how Sin directly or indirectly correlates with the rest of your writing. Doing this will help you in the long-run have a more enhanced outlook on the topic.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Writing Task 2 On the justification of animal testing [3]

@bereadyforE
Welcome to the forum. Here's my feedback on your writing.

Firstly, when you're introducing the thesis statement such as the first sentence you have, try to be more concise with language usage. This is imperative because this will determine how well you will be received by the readers. If you're able to find a shorter alternative to the sentences you are writing, this will help you become more desirable and understandable for the readers. For instance, in the second sentence of your first paragraph, you could have just mentioned that testing on animals is either perceived as unethical or justifiable depending on one's perception. Having a shorter and less complex structure also will allow the readers to have a better discernment of what goes through in the write-up.

Clarity is crucial when you are writing. In the second paragraph, for instance, the word environment and chemicals can't be treated as alternatives to each other in the context. This is most especially since they don't really have the same meaning. Hence, using them in your first sentence here doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Try to stick with one concept and expand from there. This will be much better than trying to squeeze in too many details that aren't really even that sensible.

Writing Feedback / Work in projects alone, with classmates or with a tutor? (TOEFL Independent Writing) [2]

@Sunrise011
Hello! Like the other paragraph, I would also grant this one an 8 out of 15.

You struggle when it comes to placement of approrpriate punctuation marks. This makes it somehow harder to decipher portions of the writing that should have been easy to digest. What I recommend is that you focus more on actualizing the rules of grammar and writing instead of focusing too much on extending your arguments without a care for these types of write-ups. Doing this will definitely help you become more creative when it comes to the overall transition without risking being misunderstood by your readers.

While I appreciate that you took time to explain everything one by one (the three concepts), you were still lacking in the comparative department - which, I believe, is the most important part of this portion because this is what's actually being asked from you in the prompt. Try to stick with this comparative viewpoint than merely describing everything.

Writing Feedback / You have been given a gift of money. Which would you rather spend it on? (TOEFL Independent Writing) [2]

@Sunrise011
Out of a grade of 15, I would grant this an 8. The reasons are as follows:
1. The packaging of your sentences are a bit confusing at times. You could have gotten away with using simpler structures and content to create more concise meaning; however, you still did not implement this throughout the writing. It would have helped you immensely when it comes to trying to not be lost in the sea of words.

2. The flow of writing is a bit imbalanced. The hanging "paragraph" that's currently your second paragraph seems a bit off. It wasn't really necessary given that you could have incorporated this into the first paragraph. Doing that would have made a whole lot more sense.

3. Small mistakes throughout the writing were prevalent. This goes from punctuation to capitalization. I have noticed that you struggle a bit when it comes to the placement of commas. Just try to remember a simple rule: if you find yourself needing to pause when you are verbalizing a sentence, then the written version would naturally need to have a comma as well.

Writing Feedback / The comparison of user involvement for four different online social platforms [3]

@WaddahHamzah
Welcome to the forum. I hope that my feedback gives you clarity on how to improve your writing.

Omit excessive and unnecessary words throughout your writing. Not only do this add bulk to your writing that you could have used for something more productive, they also take away from the general educational standpoint of the write-up. Hence, if you are able to trim down the content, you can facilitate the writing in a lot more sophisticated way. For example, if we take a look at your second paragraph's sentences, it was clear that you needed to make concise the first portions because they're dragging the effectiveness and quality of your writing. Small mistakes that are observed here are the usage of in and the lack of usage of an an in the first sentence. Being more detailed will go a long way for you. The last sentence of this same paragraph also needed to just focus on the first phrase (hence, you could have omitted the last one).

Try to be more observant of the pieces of language that you don't actually need in the write-up. Doing this will truly help you become more effective as a writer.

Scholarship / WHAT YOU EXPECT WILL CHANGE IN DEVELOPMENT TERMS FOLLOWING YOUR STUDIES [2]

@StChibuzor
Hi there. Here is my feedback on this writing of yours.

Be cautious of the tenses you are using in the essay. Remember that having a loose grip of this part of the technicalities won't really benefit you in the long-run because you need to ensure that you will be professionally appreciated throughout the write-up.

Having said that, other portions of the writing also have to be treated with the same regard of formalities. Notice how the leap from the second paragraph to the third seemed to still be far-fetched. I suggest knitting everything altogether prior to jumping into massive conclusive strides to make sure that you will be appropriately understood by the readers.

Scholarship / It is this area wherein lies my passion - 'How your proposed study relates to' question [2]

@StChibuzor
Hello. Here's my feedback on this essay.

For one, if this is truly what the entire essay is comprised of, you don't necessarily need to just follow what is being asked. What this means is, you should focus a lot more on how the information will be comprehended by the readers themselves. For instance, you didn't really need to expound things excessively as you did in the first paragraph. What you could have done, however, was to focus a lot more on just a simple summation of what they want from you (the development issue - just a glance). Afterward, just proceed to expounding what you study is and how it relates to this portion of your writing. d

The last sentence on the second paragraph appears to be rather lost as there was not a single part in the former parts of the writing wherein you even touched on the subject matter of your passion. Because of this reason, you would have been better off with trying to create a more comprehensive take into the writing than just blurting a one-liner at the very end to salvage the meaning.

Research Papers / Why You Shouldn't Have An Epidural During Childbirth [2]

@DestinyNauticaT
Welcome to the forum! Thanks for coming here. Here's my feedback on this writing.

While I think that you were able to incorporate a lot of the crucial details in the writing, I find that you need to work a bit more on the organization of your writing. What you could have done was provide an outline at the very beginning of the writing to ensure that you are going to be able to guide your readers properly. I noticed that you immediately jumped into the body of the essay without providing this summation. While it's often labeled as an optional thing to do, doing so would have helped your writing become a lot more easier to follow - hence, it would have improved the quality of writing.

The introduction also has some unnecessary portions in it that could have been just distributed into parts of the essay where they belonged more appropriately in. For instance, knowledge on the awareness of epidurals could have been introduced in the part just before you were tackling the impact of them to the day to day affairs. Having everything more compartmentalized into a specific theme and sequence will help readers better consume the writing without being baffled with the information you are introducing.

Graduate / Personal statement - Former QA & Product Manager applying Master of Data Science [2]

@Hana Fang
Welcome to the forum! I hope that my feedback gives you insight on how to improve your writing. Don't hesitate to approach if you have any other questions.

What I find problematic about your writing is the fact that you needed to trim down the usage of excessive language to make the essay more effective. Remember that the message is more important than how much complex language you are using all throughout. Try to bear this advice in mind as you are writing.

Furthermore, while I think that there's nothing staggeringly wrong about your writing, you should still be mindful of smaller mistakes that you may commit. For instance, be cautious of the tenses that you are using. Being more consistent with this will help your writing become a lot more academic.

Try to also exercise being organized with your writing. I have noticed that you had a tendency to jump from talking about the university you want to partake in to explaining your background. Try to compartmentalize everything by theme and sequence prior to writing everything to make the essay a lot more smoother.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 1 - The rate of women's literacy and population growth in selected countries [2]

@Hanglmk
Welcome here. Here is my feedback on your writing. Please don't hesitate to approach once more if you have any other questions.

Like what I tell most people who write these forms of more technical analysis, it goes a long way if you are able to properly expound while ensuring that you have fully followed the standards set by writing grammatically correct texts. This would include, of course, the usage of preposition, which I feel is one angle of writing that you need to work on a bit more. For instance, the first sentence had quite a redundant use of this because it was a bit unclear still if this really should have been the direction of the write-up.

Aside from this, I think that the conclusion you made is exquisite. It was really based on a personal analysis, which is much preferred over a vague glossing over of the summation. Maintain this and just improve on the first parts of the writing - then, you should be able to be clearly heard in the write-up. Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Writing task 1 IELTS Oman and Spain Populations by its citizens' age [4]

@yasabh
Welcome to the forum! Here is my feedback on your writing. I hope that it somewhat helps you in your learning.

Generally speaking, there's nothing glaringly wrong about your writing. However, there are a few things that you can be more mindful of to improve the flow of the composition in its entirety.

Firstly, to omit the possibility of being misunderstood, sticking with very basic structural patterns for writing can go a long way. This doesn't have to mean that you are basic and would know only of the most fundamental parts of writing. However, this will surely help you reactivate that sense of balance that is often stripped from essays when you try "too hard" to incorporate complexity. For example, divide the second paragraph's first sentence into two shorter ones. Do the same for the third paragraph.

The observations you had in your conclusion were also lacking. You focused too much on superficial observations; hence, it seemed more like a summation than a conclusion. A conclusion should be observing what these statistics actually mean from a subjective viewpoint. In that way, you aren't going to be lost in translation.

Writing Feedback / Visitors numbers to Ashdown Museum before and after its renovation [3]

@TriceLiu
Hi again! Here's my feedback on your writing.

Be extra mindful of the prepositions you are using throughout as using the wrong ones can negatively impact your writing. You can have absolutely substantiated content - however, if you are unable to properly relay all of this data in the grammatically right manner, it can all be useless. Take, for instance, the first paragraph. What you should have used is on and not about.

Articles also go a long when you're properly incorporating them to your writing. For example, in the second paragraph, you needed to say that they provide a better visit experience since you were trying to relay it for each individual person who approaches/enters the museum.

Quotation mark should be placed after the period if you intend to use it on the very end of a sentence. This is the more formal approach to writing, especially if you review regulations and rules on APA writing - which is often considered as the standard for a lot of write-ups.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - Are celebrities over-paid ? [3]

@Thangnguyen315
Welcome again. Here is my feedback for this specific work.

Your over-explanation can negatively affect the way that you introduce information. Try to stick with more relevant content. Omit what's unnecessary. Once you're able to clear these out, I assure you that your writing will appear to be a lot more versatile as you will have details that are more softly focused on what you actually need to have in the essay. For example, the introductory paragraph's first two lines are too heavy in a way that you could have written them a lot more delicately and shortly. You don't need to overtly explain everything from the first paragraph, considering the fact that you are supposed to do that in the body paragraphs.

With regards to the rest of the writing, try your best to not add too much unnecessary parts in the body paragraphs themselves. Notice how the second paragraph had an entire three lines dedicated to Christian Bale when you could have shortened this to just one. By cutting down on excessive details that don't really add a lot to your writing, you can focus a lot more on important angles in the conclusion that are noticeably not giving sufficient information to here.

Writing Feedback / SOP for my application in German university in master in mechatronics and robotics program. [3]

@Rushilkumar
Welcome to the forum. I hope that my feedback gives you insight on how to improve this writing! Don't hesitate to come and ask more.

Like what I always tell others, the first sentence would be better utilized if you attempted to expound here in the most straightforward way possible. Opening up with your opinion on a National Geographic doesn't really tell anything to the evaluators of what your purpose is. Instead, move here the part where you mention what specifically you are applying for. Afterward, incorporate a short line on why. It is imperative that you build a purpose from the beginning.

Be mindful also of small technical mistakes in writing such as punctuation, capitalization, preposition, and the like. Throughout your writing, especially in areas wherein you were getting more specific with relaying information, it was noticeable how you still struggled with these forms of sentiments when you should have had a simpler writing pattern for that portion.

What I generally advise for your writing would be to have a plan. Oftentimes, when I see cluttered and slightly disorganized content for personal essays, they simply tell me that you didn't properly outline and delineate the information prior to writing - hence, why you end up with a slightly disheveled type of writing.

Writing Feedback / Single career or several careers or ways of earning money and further studying [2]

@hungxd08
Hi, I'll give you feedback on this essay. I hope that this somehow helps you in your learning endeavors.

First and foremost, ensure that you are delivering the message of your text with as much clarity as possible. For instance, in the first paragraph, the first line should have been trimmed down to ensure that you aren't going to be misinterpreted. Try to straight up just mention that people now have more options with regards to their long-term career as putting it this way appears more concise and yet still stands for the meaning you wanted to relay. Utilize this line throughout the writing when you want to mention again what the core message of the text is.

Furthermore, I find that the very vague way that you introduce concepts and lines is ineffective because it deprives the readers of the necessary depth that they would need otherwise. Try to keep in mind that having a one-liner where you mention that people are more satisfied in their careers because of this appears to be just a hanging thought. Try to illustrate more a line. Focus more on quality and depth over the quantity of information you're putting out here.

Writing Feedback / What are the characteristics of a good coach? (TOEFL Independent Writing) [2]

@Sunrise011
Out of 15, I would give this essay an 8. It definitely is passable, however there were key parts of the writing that could have been improved.

For one, you have a tendency to overdo your sentences in a way that they appear to be run-on rather than a smoother writing pattern. What I suggest is dealing with simplified sentences first before you build up the length. That way, you will evade being "too much" in a sense.

Furthermore, it is imperative to be mindful of being specific when you are writing. There's a very thin line between the three values that you pushed forward here; hence, it would difficult to discern whether or not the writing is actually tailor-fit to what concept you are introducing. Be very careful of this, especially since you need to focus more on ensuring that you are properly being understood by your readers.

Letters / Motivational letter for stipendum hungaricum scholarship, Bsc Biochemical Engineering [2]

@Ahmadjb225
Welcome to the forum! I hope my feedback gives you a clearer idea on how you can improve this essay.

I first recommend that you keep the first parts of the essay more focused on expounding on the reason why you are writing this in the first place. Afterward, you will be able to integrate more specific information about your childhood that you find to be relevant (still, remember to be brief if you intend to do this as you don't want to overcrowd your essay with too much background data that do not really relate to the technical angles of the application).

Before you focus on the content of your writing, I highly suggest that you focus more on trying to be more dedicated towards ensuring that your writing is free from fundamental grammatical mistakes. This will also include technical angles of writing such as punctuation and flow of writing. Being organized will also go a long way, considering you were jumping from one concept to the other without necessarily giving out a clear-cut reason as to why you are writing in this manner. If you are able to give out more detailed and focused content, it will benefit you in the long-run.

Remember: be as specific as possible when writing these letters as this will determine to the evaluators how focused you truly are specifically about this program and university. This is one crucial thing that's missing from your writing.

Writing Feedback / Freedom of Speech and the Internet [3]

@bettybetty17940
Welcome to the forum! This is my feedback - hopefully, you are able to learn something from it.

The flow of content and manner of composition are both crucial parts of the writing since it will determine how "appropriate" your language appears to be. Try to be cautious of these two traits when reviewing your writing and revising your mistakes.

The first paragraph had an array of concerns ranging from inappropriate transition to one sentence to another up until the lack of usage of punctuation marks that are relevant for the building of information.

When you're introducing an issue to a set topic, try your best to link it properly. What I noticed is that your insertion of the topic of fake news just jumped out of nowhere without necessarily linking it to the idea of the freedom of speech. For this, you can answer this question and place the answer in the essay: why are people more inclined to distribute fake news with the actualization of the freedom of speech on the internet? Create a concise answer, paste it on the introduction, and properly transition to the core message.

Writing Feedback / Essay about having little leisure time and studying under a lot of pressure of youngster [3]

@Harry Nguyen
Welcome to the forum. Here is my feedback on your writing.

Good job on the content. The substance of the writing itself is quite good. However, most of your mistakes fall under the fact that you still weren't fully able to address to are related to the technical parts of the writing. For instance, the flow of your content still appears to be rather shallow because of the lack of appropriate punctuation marks.

If you take a look at the second paragraph, nearly all of the sentences are excessively long without the integration of appropriate pauses. If you can address this, it will certainly help your writing to be a lot more organized since you aren't so reliant on just one angle of the discussion.

Writing Feedback / Create a promotional brochure about a man-made wonder of Viet Nam [2]

@baotran114
Welcome to the forum. I hope my feedback helps you improve this brochure.

Be extra cautious when you're uttering your sentences. Bear in mind that for shorter sentences, it becomes even more important to ensure that your writing is technically correct since people are not so focused on the content. (Rather, people are more focused on the way that you write.

The second line needs to be improved in that regard. The scenery isn't necessarily located around the lake (since the succeeding sentence discussed the water itself); instead, it is lake itself. The easiest way to be mindful of this would be to source the logical flow of your writing. At one point, you will notice that your writing is going at the wrong direction.

Be more creative as well with your language after correcting the basics. You could have said, for example, that you are in awe of the lake instead of impressed by it because it conveys a deeper meaning.

The second line appears to be out of place as well.

Writing Feedback / Should rich nations share their strength with others? [3]

@hungxd08
Hi. Here's my feedback on this essay.

Be straightforward. When we take a glance at your first paragraph's introductory sentence, what hits me immediately is the fact that it's too lengthy for what you're trying to say. You could have just said that there are debates on wealth distribution and left it at that. Notice how packaging of words is crucial because it can make or break your writing. Even more so, in cases wherein you work within word counts, it becomes even more imperative to ensure that you are not wasteful in your language.

The conclusion is lacking primarily due to that fact. When you're so focused and centered on a specific idea, you will have a tendency to forget the rest of the writing that's also equally as important as those other parts. Try to keep all your paragraphs balanced and do not treat one part more important than the other as they are all equally looked at when evaluating the write-up.

Writing Feedback / Is ability to relate to others enough to end up being successful ? [3]

@shahabs1992
Welcome to the forum! I hope that my feedback gives you an idea on how to improve your writing.

There's a very thin line between creative and excessive when it comes to writing. More often than not, you are sacrificing clarity when you're being excessive. This is something that I have observed from your essay. For instance, while the first paragraph is indubitably well-written because you articulated beautifully, this essay isn't necessarily a literary text (prose/poem). In that regard, you have to be extra cautious as you may risk being overlooked rather than being paid attention to.

When introducing concepts, simplifying it would be the most reliable way to go. Especially when you're introducing newer concepts that are integral for the core message of your content, you definitely need to focus more on the meaning than how you are writing it. If we take a look at the second paragraph, for instance, it was clear that your explanation of who an artist is still appears to be confusing due to the articulation.

Bear all of these opinions in mind next time you are writing.

Graduate / Personal Statement - Erasmus Mundus Tourism Development & Culture [4]

@LoyceVeenings
Welcome to the forum! I hope my feedback gives you insight on how to improve your writing.

While I think that it's great that you wanted to be more creative in the first paragraph, it still lacks that standard introduction into what you are applying for. You only mentioned that you're being led to the MA program for tourism; however, you weren't clear (only introduced it midway) where exactly you are applying for. All these specifics are imperative when we're discussing technical content, considering the fact that you need to show that you're serious about your application.

Your writing also appears to be a bit cluttered - there's no apparent structure that would tell the readers anything about the writing. I would rather that you try your best to incorporate a more structured/organized appeal. You can either (a) focus on the values that you bring forward as a student or (b) focus on your experiences and (very) specific skill sets that come with these. What you currently have is that you're jumping from values to experiences without having an organic transition. Be extra cautious of your management of data.

Writing Feedback / The number of bee colonies and how much honey they produce [2]

@majid61
Welcome to the forum! I hope that this feedback of mine gives you insight on how to improve this writing. Before anything else, it would be helpful if you are able to include a photo next time of the graph to help us analyze your writing.

From what I can tell, you have a tendency to create unnecessarily long sentences. Some clear examples of this are the first paragraph's second sentence and the second paragraph's first sentence. Both of these clearly should have been cut down to two to three sentences - however, you were unable to do this for whatever reason.

If you want to create a more integral writing approach, try to evade confusing formatting when you are writing. For instance, the numbers should have had commas in between the zeros that would indicate how large the numbers actually are. Simply clustering them altogether like this won't do you any benefit, especially since it just appears to be cluttered than anything else.

The conclusion also needs to not be about what is in the chart itself - rather, this should be an analysis of the overall observation in a way that doesn't introduce new data into the write-up.

Scholarship / MY PERSONAL STATEMENT OF PURPOSE FOR PTDF SCHOLARSHIP TO STUDY Msc IN ENVIRONMENTAL POLICY [2]

@Ulamas14
Hi, welcome to the site! Here's my feedback for your writing.

Academic writing requires that you have appropriate punctuation, spacing, and usage of preposition. Be extra cautious of these facets of writing since they're integral parts to show that you truly know how to write parallel to the standard that they're asking from you.

Furthermore, in the second paragraph, I noticed that the first sentence immediately is just a run-on sentence. Be more direct and specific. You should be cultivating sentences that are a lot more simplified as well for this is how you create more comprehensible pieces of text.

Since this is for your personal statement, including just these details will be insufficient. Incorporate certain things such as your academic and professional background. Be as specific and detailed as possible for only then will they truly know what your intent in the write-up is.

Undergraduate / From Germany to Florida - UBC Personal Profile: "Tell us about who you are..." [3]

@tararanganatha
Hi! Welcome to the forum. I hope that this feedback somehow helps you in your writing endeavors.

I appreciate the flow of your writing because it is indeed easy to follow. I do think, however, that you should have jumped in the writing in a more straightforward manner. Since the prompt is asking you a question, try to answer it by the very beginning of your writing - this is currently in your last sentence.

Afterward, you can start by dissecting the details value per value. This will make it a lot more organized. What you can do is follow the order of writing you have now with regard your moving history, and then try to incorporate the values in each specific location.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK2 - Free Subjects Decisions? [2]

@roswita116
Hi, thanks for coming to the forum! I'll be giving you feedback on this writing.

First and foremost, try to be more concise in your overall composition. This will help you clear up space that'll be useful for in-depth portion of the text. For instance, simplifying the first paragraph can help you add more substance to the latter portions of the text. Generally speaking, doing this will help you solidify your writing. You can do this through omitting irrelevant portions of the text. In the first paragraph, the third and fourth sentences seem to be rather alike - hence, you can get away with focusing on just one of them.

Try to implement the same logical pattern for the rest of your write-up. The second paragraph's second sentence, for instance, could have been simplified through just saying that these subjects are irrelevant. You do not need to over-explain when it's not necessarily being asked for.

The summary at the very end should be treated with the same regard. Additionally, ascertain that your usage of punctuation marks are still on-point to lock in your writing to its very core.

Graduate / Question on the amount of personality within my Digital Media Arts Graduate Statement of Purpose [2]

@jwoakley
Welcome to the forum! I'm here to provide feedback on your writing. Please don't hesitate to approach just in case you have any other additional questions that you'd like me to work on.

I appreciate the formatting that you used on the first part paragraph of the write-up. However, I do wish that you were a bit more consistent in terms of how you were writing. For instance, it was quite baffling how you transitioned here from one point up until the third one. Try to make use of more standardized and consistent transitions such as firstly, secondly, and lastly.. Doing this will make your writing appear a lot more polished.

When you introduce values into your writing, try to make sure that they're more consistent. For instance, the second paragraph's introduction of social justice still appeared to be rather vague. Try to be more specific - what are these values and how do they achieve equality. Once you've established it, then you can tackle how media can be of assistance to such ventures. Doing this will certainly give you a more logical writing pattern.

Again, avoid being vague when introducing yourself because you'll end up selling yourself short. For example, what can you bring forward concretely (not just values such as giving 'diverse experiences' to the curriculum) that's deeply attached to the core of these concerns? If you can be more specific, it will go a long way in your writing.

Undergraduate / UBC Personal profile question: Club - Important activities - Hackathon [2]

@marethyu12
Hello, welcome to the forum! Here's my feedback on your writing that I hope will somehow be of help to you.

First and foremost, I think that you should have introduced a more detailed outlook on what the activities are immediately upon introducing them. For instance, take a look at your first paragraph. The first few sentences here, from the get-go, doesn't necessarily provide an explanation on the scope of responsibilities that you have as a member/participant of these club leadership activities. Due to this reason, it is imperative that you establish a central point of discussion prior to expounding everything else. Again, this is also applicable to the second activity that you introduced.

Furthermore, try to be more specific with these activities. In the first activity, it was still unclear what specifically you had done in the club leadership activities. Try to detail out the specific steps that you had done in order to abide by these rules. The latter parts of the writing should be treated with the same regard.

Technically-speaking, your writing is decently fine in terms of grammar, punctuation, and the like - you just truly need to work more on being more specific. Write as though you are explaining everything to someone who's fully unaware of what these terms mean.

Undergraduate / Law and Humans - UCAS University Law Personal Statement Essay [2]

@melissafng
Hi! Welcome. I'm here to provide you with feedback on this write-up. I hope this helps somehow.

First and foremost, I think it was great that you were able to introduce the basic portions of the writing in the initial parts. You had a comprehensive approach to the write-up, making it easier for the people to fully dissect what you were saying. I also appreciate the introduction since it was clear in its intent and purpose. Keep this up.

However, I think that what you can work on more would be trying to be more cautious of the technical angles of the discussion. For example, be mindful of capitalization that's out of place and the misuse of punctuation marks. Having less of a hold over these facets can definitely impede on the progression of your writing, especially since you're working with a supposed educational work.

The last paragraph, which is supposed to be the conclusion, is still a bit weak because you were unable to tie altogether every bit of information that you introduced in the initial parts of the writing. I highly recommend that you maintain a dedicated focus to the writing to ensure that you will be able to properly cap every piece of data that you've incorporated here.

Writing Feedback / In some countries at secondary or high school, there may be two streams of study [2]

@hoangrobin
Hello, welcome to the forum! I hope that my feedback gives you an idea on how to improve your writing.

You can firstly try to avoid being vague when it comes to composing your texts. For instance, the last two sentences of the first paragraph weren't able to successfully relay what their intentions to the writing are. This makes it increasingly difficult to comprehend the texts themselves given the vagueness of language. To help this, try asking yourself to deepen the opinions by not just scratching the very surface level of the writing.

Try to also evade using excessive language that won't necessarily benefit you in the long-run. For instance, the second paragraph's third sentence up until the last portions tended to have repetitive sentences that weren't necessarily giving out a clear idea of what you were trying to explain. Being more concise is critical for you to be able to show the readers that you have grasp and are certain of what you're stating.

Undergraduate / SSRF - motivation letter for applying a project [3]

@Chenxi_D
Welcome here! I'm here to provide feedback on this essay of yours to hopefully help you in your future endeavors.

The first introductory sentence was great. However, from then onward, you had quite a lot of excessive details that cluttered your writing. For instance, inserting how you want to "contribute to the literature" in the very first paragraph was quite baffling as the rest of your text didn't necessarily discuss this. Instead, what you could have done was shifted this line to the bulky body paragraph and made it the central point of discussion when it comes to your long-term motivations - the reasons why you want to be part of the program.

Try to also create more concise sentences that do not have filler words in them. For example, in your second to the last paragraph, you could have merged the second sentence into something which would reflect that the "idea of critical thinking as seen by the integration of ideas" was your purpose. Notice how lines such as this are more cohesive and do not sacrifice a great deal of the writing.

Scholarship / Medical physics - QEC scholarship; Development impact and post study outreach [3]

@XPROFF
Hello. Thank you for coming to the site! Hopefully, my feedback will somehow help you in this essay.

When writing, remember to be extra critical of the fundamental details of your writing. More specifically, as can be noticed from your writing, the first parts of the essay appear to be rather cluttered. You need to make sure that you abide by the conventional rules of appropriate usage of punctuation, spacing, and the like. Once you have settled this in, you can work better with the content of the writing itself.

You have a clear tendency to over-explain as well. Try your best to avoid excessive language in order to properly expound the reasons as to why you have chosen this program. For example, you didn't really need to explain the whole educational system aspect in the third paragraph given that it draws attention away from the primary context: the knowledge and skills gained. Always be mindful of how you place information as you do not really have sufficient time here to write excessively without a care for the writing.

Writing Feedback / Both homes and schools have an equal meaning in shaping kids to become well-rounded citizens [4]

@phanhyeudoi1711
Welcome to the forum! I hope my feedback gives you an idea on how to improve this essay.

One of the fundamental mistakes I have observed with writers who contribute here is the fact that people tend to over-exert their writing to the point that it would come out as dull more than appropriate. Evade this as much as possible by being concise with language usage. Irrelevant and unnecessary pieces of information shouldn't have space in your writing because you are working with a bunch of technical content. Apply this to your first paragraph. I have noticed that you could have merged the first few sentences instead of having repetitive thoughts sprinkled discreetly throughout.

Furthermore, be cautious of your usage of punctuation throughout. Be mindful of the rules of when to place or omit. This will give you leverage because they're more specific parts of the writing that are often overlooked by others.

Undergraduate / Hockey and losing weight - UBC Personal Profile: Tell us about who you are?... [3]

@Arsidhu
Hello there. I hope you're doing well. This is my feedback on your writing that I hope somehow helps you.

Be more precise with your language as much as possible. When working with word counts, it is critical that you know which parts of the essay to omit and which to keep. This will help you be more mindful of each word that you insert into the writing, letting you have a more productive method of writing afterward. For instance, take a look at your third paragraph. The second sentence, in particular, could have been compressed to creating something that's shorter and yet still properly written out.

Try not to jump around also with descriptions because you won't be able to elaborate all of those key words. I noticed that you mentioned being a supportive friend by the very end; however, even these sorts of information weren't properly fleshed out in the writing. I suggest finding a descriptor that comes close to being determined to create something that's more parallel to what you already have in mind, allowing you to connect everything with minimal effort exerted.

Writing Feedback / ielts task 2 (agree or disagree that wealthy countries should help poor countries.............) [4]

@laabobe
Hello, Laabobe. Welcome here! We hope that the feedback you will receive will somehow help you learn something from the forum.

Firstly, be cautious of the form of words you are using. It doesn't matter which type of word it is - the appropriate word should fit like a glove in the writing. The more exposed you are to a native speaker's language and type of writing, the better you will be at spotting these sorts of mistakes. For the get-go, it was clear that the first paragraph had a couple of lapses in it. The first sentence, for instance, needed to omit "those" in there. You haven't discussed anything yet since it's the thesis statement, hence there's nothing to point at to make it appropriate to use that word.

Cut dragging sentences into shorter and more concise ones to help you with writing. If we take a look at the third paragraph's second sentence, it is clear that you had a tendency to over-extend your utterances instead of sticking with a basic format. Be mindful of this when you can. Even in the conclusive remarks, the same issue was also prominent.

Writing Feedback / Studying at university or college compared to get a job straight after school [2]

@thiannie
I'm here to give feedback on your writing. Don't hesitate to approach once more if you have any other questions.

Firstly, avoid over-explaining pieces of information in your writing. For example, the first sentence could have been trimmed down more as you didn't really need to mention that university and colleges are part of the higher education. These types of information are quite common knowledge, hence reiterating is unnecessary and only adds baggage to your writing.

Be cautious of your usage of punctuation marks throughout. Transitions are imperative because they can make or break how academically-appropriate the formatting of your text will be received.

Furthermore, there's also an imbalance in your text distribution. While the second paragraph was extensively (and even overtly) explained, the third one didn't have much to hold onto anymore. Remember to omit what's irrelevant to have more space for important discussions as this will help you develop a more elaborate mindset.

Graduate / "Gold Medal" - Statement of Purpose for MBA program in Sofia University, Palo Alto [2]

@MiniBauce
Welcome! Here's my feedback for your writing.

While I think that the narration in the first paragraph was interesting, I think that the delivery can be improved if you were more straightforward from the very beginning. It took you numerous sentences before mentioning that you are applying for this program due to these events. I suggest that you move this somewhat of a thesis statement to the beginning portion since the evaluators would appreciate it to have more direction in your writing. When you're writing, always ask yourself afterward how you intend to fulfill these experiences.

I appreciate the formatting of the text because it had a logical approach to the application. However, I find that certain parts should have been improved by omitting portions that aren't really doing anything for your writing. Also, be cautious of areas that can baffle your evaluators instead of inspire them. For example, you had two very different reasons why you wanted to launch your business and apply for the program (first and third paragraphs respectively). Be more concise with your patterns of writing.

Be more balanced with your writing and learn to prioritize only what needs to be prioritized.

Essays / Need help with these questions for a scholarship! (curriculum, favorite courses, topics) [2]

@fadwasaleh
A lot of your question can only be answered if you provide details about the scholarship you are applying for. However, vaguely speaking, when they're asking for your personal background, it will be entirely up to you how you wish to respond to this. Some people opt for a more creative route where they talk about skills and virtues; others focus on their successes over the past years. Focus on the course that you feel has more association with what you're applying for since that's really what they're typically more curious about. In terms of structure, there's really no plain answer to this. Applications are entirely based on the personal preference of the applicant, hence why one formatting can be treated as irrelevant by someone else. Simply focus on what you feel suits your personal application better based on your background.