Posts by fikri

fikri

Jul 25, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Effect of movies and computer games containing violence [7]

To conclude, it can be said that although violent films and internet games are treated simply as entertainment by many, they significant negative impact on the society. So, it is felt that these media contents should be banned.

to make it more interesting to read, you can add a suggestion or recommendation to the readers,

fikri

Jul 25, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Schools greatest failure is that it focuses too intensely on academic subjects [9]

this is the introduction that I've got from my teacher here,I've used it for along time and the result shows better than the shorter one. so that, I suggest you to follow this pattern, hope it will work with you

case/issue = use what,who,where,when,why, and how to help you construct the issue
your position/opinion = agree/disagree, advantage/disadvantage, your opinion, your idea, etc
thesis statement = this essay would examine . . ..
this essay would discuss . . . .

fikri

Jun 30, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS - mobile phones: faster communication vs social problems [4]

when you write 5 paragraphs, you can follow this approach
first paragraph : introduction
second paragraph : one side
third paragraph : another side (contrast to the one side)
fourth paragraph : your own opinion (whether you support the second or third paragraph or balance) but, it is preferable if you support the paragraph which is the nearest

fifth paragraph : conclusion

fikri

Jun 30, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Talent is one of the awesome things in the world [6]

Talent is one of the awesome things in the world and no doubt people who have talent are ~~more~~ better than others.

when you put 'more', it should be followed by adjective which is not ended by 'er' ,,when an adjective is already ended by 'er',it already means as a comparison

Some people suggest that talents is a gift from god. while others disagree and believe that looking deeply into each others and you can find different gifts, it need only develops.

you don't need to put 'dot' between god and while/ or change the letter 'w' in the word 'while' with a capital letter

pay more attention to small mistakes

fikri

Jun 24, 2014

Writing Feedback / (IELTS) Studying abroad is a trend among university students in Turkey [5]

Students mostly prefer more developed countries like USA and BRIC. These countries attract them with better education, higher life standards and gaining experience opportunity. However,students are afraid of culture shock and expensive life.

do these wodrs 'students' above have the same meaning or different? make it clearly, so that the readers will not feel confused

fikri

Jun 24, 2014

Writing Feedback / Ielts: The world has seen an enormous increase in flights for leisure, business [5]

Firstly, no one can denny that the greatest benefit of flights...

these paragraphs seem unbalanced, it will be better if you give more details in the second body, try ti put some relevant examples from your daily lives or your experiences

fikri

Jun 24, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS Education plays an important role in the socioeconomic status of a country [3]

In highly industrialized countries, undertakings are made to make it accessible and affordable to for all.

pay more attention to the using of 'to' and 'for'
also, the word 'all' here is too general, could you make it more specific and clearly?

fikri

Jun 24, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Abortion Should Be illegal? People should think of the consequences [4]

Moreover, abortion also effect on the mother's mental due to some complications such as damaged cervix, hemorrhage, etc.

don't put an abbreviation in IELTS essay, better you use 'and so on' rather than 'etc'

here, you should give two bodies which contain different views,

fikri

Jun 23, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay: Animal Testing - positive and negative aspects [3]

you wrote well, I can enjoy reading your essay,
it seems to me that you may put your own opinion to support your idea in a new paragraph before conclusion

fikri

Jun 23, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Advertising makes people buy products that they really do not need [8]

In conclusion, although advertising helps people to meet their fundamental needs, its bad effects on human can not be denied

~~can not~~ cannot

I've written in my previous comments to some members of EF that cannot must be written as one word

fikri

Jun 22, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS - GUN CONTROL & INCREASING VIOLENCE [8]

when you write agree disagree essay, and you use 5-paragraph style,,
follow this approach
1.introduction
2.first point
3.second point
4.your own opinion
5.conclusion

fikri

Jun 22, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay Task 2: 'Television / Children' Topic [8]

One the other hand, I do not believe that using TV regularly is always good to children.

On the other hand, I do not believe that using TV regularly is always good for children

be careful with the using of 'to' and 'for'

fikri

Jun 22, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK - 2 Most high-level positions in companies are filled by men [5]

However, ~~the~~ most of the organizations prefer male candidates to be managerial level even though there are more than ~~halve~~ half of the employees are woman.

try to be more carefully to some details, or small mistakes that you made

fikri

Jun 22, 2014

Writing Feedback / ielts essay about water shortage [12]

where is the task?
when you write an ielts essay, please include the task, so the readers will be easier to catch your points and understand what do you want to deliver here,

also, I don't see the conclusion,

fikri

Jun 21, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Global music has more positive impacts on humans than traditional music [4]

In conclusion, music plays an indespensible part in our lives and although the importance of traditional music~~can not~~ cannot be denied, I believe that global music has more positive impacts on humans.

this is common mistake that I usually find in IELTS essay, you must write 'cannot' in one word

fikri

Jun 20, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS: The private motor vehicle improved individual freedom; but it's expensive [6]

when you write 5 paragraphs, you can follow this approach
first paragraph : introduction
second paragraph : one side
third paragraph : another side (contrast to the one side)
fourth paragraph : your own opinion (whether you support the second or third paragraph or balance) but, it is preferable if you support the paragraph which is the nearest

fifth paragraph : conclusion

fikri

Jun 19, 2014

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Should parents be obliged to immunize their vulnerable children? [6]

be careful, modal such as can, will, should, etc,,should be followed by verb 1

fikri

Jun 19, 2014

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Should parents be obliged to immunize their vulnerable children? [6]

By doing so, they can not only benefit themselves but the nation's iminent development is also secured.

you wrote well, but I find a small mistake, you must write 'cannot' without space

fikri

Jun 19, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS; all towns and cities to have public spaces [5]

In conclusion, it seems to me that having public spaces in all districts of nations is always vital to both humans and the environment.

I don't think this is the conclusion, you use phrase 'it seems to me', it shows your opinion, not your conclusion,

maybe this conclusion is too short don't you think?

SalMon is right, in the conclusion you may put a suggestion

fikri

Jun 19, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1. MARRIAGES AND DIVORCE IN THE USA & ADULT AMERICANS' MARITAL STATUS [6]

The first bar graph provides information regarding the rates of marriage and divorce in USA from 1970 to 2000, while the second chart compares between the percentage of adult American based on their marital status in 1970 and that of in 2000.

you don't need to put comma here, you just need to use comma when you put 'while' in the beginning of your sentence, not in the middle like this

Generally, the number of marriage tended to decrease over the three decades while divorce rate experienced fluctuation.

this is the right example, you didn't put comma because you put comma in the middle of the sentence

fikri

Jun 19, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay: Work or study from home - advantages outweigh the disadvantages? [4]

I cannot find what the task wants, put your own opinion by some phrases : in my opinion, in my view, it seems to me

fikri

Jun 18, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2. Where Talent Comes From [9]

By registering their child in a badminton club, many parents are successful to bring their kid win a particular badminton competition, although when they were in school, they never reached such kind of achievement

this sentence is too long, it will be better if you separate it into two sentences

fikri

Jun 18, 2014

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Prisons have various purposes [5]

However, I believe both views have different perspectives .

when you put the word 'different', and before this word there is no comparison, it must be followed by noun plural

These days, the level of criminality in urban areas inclines, and it should be measured by sending people in to the jail.

As a result , some experts and government must set a policy to measure this problem and result a fixed punishment. As a result, this solution can prevent crime and jails are the place of criminal to accept a fixed punishment.

try to use the other phrases, when you use the same phrases as you did, it may make the readers think that after these word you will write the same sentence

fikri

Jun 18, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS: As an international tourist, whether adhere to the local custom or not? [4]

And the tourism is the key to transfer the culture to a wide range and maintain the culture diversity in the world.

some connectors cannot be put in the beginning of the sentence

the connector 'and' , for example. you only can put 'and' in the middle of the sentence

fikri

Jun 18, 2014

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] We should opt for customary music rather than worldwide one [7]

you wrote well, this is still rare in writing ielts essay, most of writers just give short examples, but you made more specific example, hope it can be followed by other learners

fikri

Jun 17, 2014

Student Talk / Took the IELTS Today and didn't go as I expected :( [35]

yup,,keep studying and practicing more sister,
when you get what did you do which made that score unsatisfied, you will get more that others

fikri

Jun 17, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS: What are the benefits and problems brought by international corporation? [8]

In the light of the facts outlined above, we should be aware of the pros and cons of multi-national corporations and provide a justified comment on this issue.

doesn't it too short? in introduction, you may post a suggestion to make it longer

fikri

Jun 17, 2014

Writing Feedback / In many countries there has been increase in social problems involving teens [6]

I believe that nowadays parents are extremely busy to work & maintain their status on society. hence; they don't have enough time to supervise what is going on with their children's life.

capitalization,

So it's on parent's hand how they will present their children in front of society.

don't use contraction in your essay

fikri

Jun 17, 2014

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Classmates' impacts on children's performance at school [11]

don't these paragraphs show contrast?

I suggest you to put contrast signals in the beginning of the second paragraph above

fikri

Jun 17, 2014

Writing Feedback / Ielts: letter and gift to a friend who has just had a baby recently [4]

my co-workers that ~~you~~ your son just born this Monday

pay more attention to small details

fikri

Jun 15, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS: do animals have the same rights as humans? [6]

Discuss both views and give your opinion.

this is the question, let's see your answer,,

Some people think that human should not mistreat animasl; while other people against that idea and think it's necessary for human to take benefit from them to satisfy our needs.

the question ask your opinion, not the other people opinion, this is common mistake that is often made by some IELTS students

fikri

Jun 15, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS argument essay large amount of violence in television programs [6]

to make your essay more specific, you can take some examples from your experiences or your daily life. it is preferable than you write another person's life

fikri

Jun 14, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS: 'The apple never falls far from the tree' - Parents should teach children [10]

If the topic asked you to discuss both viewpoints and give your opinion, you should have allocated one paragraph to each opinion, and then pointed out your own opinion in concluding paragraph.

this is right, you should put two sides paragraphs which contain different views, also, you should put a conclusion

fikri

Jun 13, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay - Well qualified graduates without employement [5]

qualified graduates can not find a job- this is

don't write 'cannot' with space

As far as Iam concerned, government should reduce taxes in order to encourage citizens, to start their own business,

be careful with the using of active and passive sentence, please correct your structure again

also, where is the conclusion?

fikri

Jun 13, 2014

Writing Feedback / 4 types of landfill waste in Molovia, Bratistan, Atlantis, Senia and Vatania [7]

when you describe a picture, you must include the picture in your post by attach file,

fikri

Jun 13, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS: the graph show the number of passenger railway journeys [4]

to make the readers easier to understand and catch your points easily, please give space between each paragraph

fikri

Jun 13, 2014

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Problems and solutions for regional unbalance? [14]

you have composed well, but you need to write some details, you can give examples from your daily lives or your experiences

fikri

Jun 13, 2014

Writing Feedback / 'follow the rules of the nature' - changes are essential for improving our lives [3]

what type of your essay is?

before you post your thread? you should write the type of your essay whether it is ielts, toefl, or other types of essay, so the readers will be easier to understand and catch your points

what is more, please put space in between each pararaph

fikri

Jun 13, 2014

Writing Feedback / Advantages of Having a Part-Time Job While Studying at the University [2]

what type of your essay is?

before you post your thread? you should write the type of your essay whether it is ielts, toefl, or other types of essay, so the readers will be easier to understand and catch your points

fikri

Jun 13, 2014

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing 2 : Solutions to low-cost airlines' enviromental damage [3]

great, you wrote many synonyms in appropriate places, well if you don't know the synonyms you can explain a word with longer phrase, the important thing is you do not repeat a word many times, and also when you describe you should make the readers easy to understand and catch your points.