Writing Feedback / IELTS W2 - To what extent do you agree or disagree too much attention to wild animals and birds. [5]

@misaping
Hi there!

First and foremost, it is critical that you maintain an academic tone when you are writing. Doing this will enable you to have a more formal approach to writing. What this pertains to would be using conventional writing strategies, ensuring that you do not merely ramble on as you are writing.

Secondly, watch the way that you transition between your sentences. A more organic transition would be preferred rather than using too many transition words that would not benefit your essay in the long-run. Remember that when you are confined to work with word counts, it is essential that you capitalize on the space you have through engaging in the most optimal way possible.

Third, be cautious of the forms of your words/phrases. If you aren't, you'll end up having inconsistent terminologies sprinkled throughout. It would be better if you can have more consistency in your language as this is more academically appropriate.

Lastly, when it comes to the structure of your sentences, it is crucial to abide by the conventional practices. If you cannot, you'll lose sight of the fundamental rules of academic writing.

Keep these in mind as you are writing. Best of luck as always!

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2 - Agree or Disagree essay on solution to improve road safety [4]

@Wendynguyen803
Hi there!

Welcome to the forum. I'm a contributor here; and I'll provide you with feedback on your essay.

First and foremost, your writing is truly one of the most put-together ones I have come across in my time here. I think that you have great grasp of the language and its structure. That being said, I would suggest that you now focus on curating content that would be optimal for your essay. What this means is that you can create a more professional and/or academic tone through omitting unnecessary words alongside ensuring that you are as specific as possible when you are expanding your thoughts.

Secondly, while I generally agree that using transition words can generate positive results, I think that you can better utilize these things if you can use them strategically. Doing this will make certain that you are not merely taking up space - rather, that you are truly utilizing your essay's space in the most productive way possible. If you can pay attention to these facets of writing, it would be beneficial for your content.

Straightforward, brief, and specific are all core parts of writing.

Let's revise a part of your essay to give you an idea.

... heavy sentences in order to reform traffic well-being. Firstly of all, the government dispel any ideas of ... Therefore, various kinds of penalties are ... to enhanced understanding for traffic attendants such as: increasing ..., and imprisonment,... Additionally, people ... by enforcing severe punishments when severe punishments are enforced. For instance, wWhen one gets ... slowing down in order to ... Thus, new drivers especially the ... sentences. are challenged to comply.

I hope these comments have helped you. Best of luck in your writing endeavors!

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Science will soon make people live longer. Good?Bad?Discuss both, give your opinions [5]

@Dang Khoa
Hello there!

Let me help you with your essay.

I appreciate the introduction of your essay. It is brief and straightforward - two characteristics that are essential when you're working within word counts. That being said, however, the formality of the tone can be worked on to improve the general look of your essay. Doing this would enable you to have more substantive content that would also be academically appropriate.

That being said, be cautious of your preposition, punctuation, and general hold over grammatical conventions. You have a tendency to stray a little bit, causing you to appear to be rambling rather than establishing cautiously content for your essay. Having a structured outline before writing would help you definitely with this. When I say that an outline helps, I do not mean just merely having thoughts clustered; I mean having clear boundaries of what your content will focus on on each specific part/paragraph that you have.

Let me revise your essay for you to give you a clearer picture of how this looks.

In the future, scientists will soon have the capability to make humanity live longer extend the lives of humans. Some people think ... oppose While some think it is beneficial, others disagree. This essay will discuss both standpoints perspectives and shall give my comment later give a personal commentary.

Firstly of all, people having a longer lifetime is actually great in various aspects. ..., people can enjoy ... never see will have more time to enjoy their experiences extensively and with depth. Secondly, there are still myriads of ... as scientists in the world who can contribute a ... community produce beneficial work and it would ... early. In other words, h Having a longer life span can help them reach moreattain helpful achievements.

I hope this helped. Best of luck in your writing!

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: ANIMAL TESTING / moral issues [3]

@haotran1198
Hi there!

Welcome to the forum. Let me assist you with your essay.

First and foremost, it is critical that you ensure that you optimize the space you have in your essay. You can do this through removing irrelevant and unnecessary words (this includes filler words). Emphasize only on areas that you wish to pay attention to.

Secondly, make sure that you use a more academic tone when you are writing. Doing this will help you create more formality in your essay.

Lastly, I would be cautious of the way that you transition between your sentences. Organic transitioning can help you immensely establish more of a natural tone.

Remember to only incorporate lines that are necessary for establishing your thoughts.

Best of luck as always!

Writing Feedback / Everyone should stay a school until reaching adulthood [3]

@trannthkv2

Hi there!

Welcome to the forum. Let me assist you with this one.

The initial glimpse onto your essay tells me that you have the fundamental thoughts/ideas laid out that you want to establish in your content. What you struggle with is expressing these thoughts into comprehensive and academically-appropriate structures. This is alright; you only need to focus on working on the technical aspects of your writing to ensure that you optimize your writing. In the meantime, evade using cluttered and complex structures - and instead, you may put your attention more on creating depth and ensuring that you are abiding by conventional writing practices.

That being said, if I were to revise your essay, it would appear as:

For a various reasons, there are several positive effects thatfor students should not drop out school early who do not drop out early in school. Firstly, when ..., they could gain a wealth of knowledge and skills whichto help them to get higher qualifications easily. ... a well -paid job in the a highly ... Secondly, in the academic curriculum, besides core subjects, schools also offer subjects about onsocial life and ethics,; these which play a vital role to thein the person'smaturity of a person. These subjects will bring crucial skills as well asand raise up the awareness, making it a which are good preparation ... ... is able to realize that something that is right or wrong, this This leads to ... ... 18, both physical and mental health are completely developeda person is physically and mentally developed. That is the age at ... circumtancePeople can adapt better to circumstances.

Best of luck in your writing!

Writing Feedback / An opinion essay; Libraries - is there still a need such institution? [3]

@angaquay
Hi there!

Let's look through your essay - and hopefully I can provide you with useful feedback on your writing.

First and foremost, while it may be contrary to what others may say, having simpler language goes a long way in terms of the formality of your essay. If you have simpler words used throughout, you are able to focus more on the technical angles of writing (grammar, composition, structure) that would help you curate and develop a more in-depth essay.

Furthermore, I think that the depth and specifics of your content are all great and well-rounded. What I would only recommend is that you try to repackage your sentences in a way that would make it a bit more academic. For instance, having a more rigid tone to your essay instead of an opinionated one would go a long way.

Now, having said that, let's revise the first portion so you may see what I am referring to.

It seems that the rise ... libraries The rise of e-books and the internet has taken over conventional libraries. Despite the advancements ofin technology, I agree with the statement that ... libraries couldcan not be changed.

Firstly, reading a book in ... program compared to using the internet on smartphones, reading books in the library has benefits. ... for the purpose of reading in a long time long periods of reading is detrimental to our health, especially for those who have sleep or visual problem suffer from visual and sleep-related concerns. Libraries provide ... workplace, without which your ... the noise that can optimize your productivity by reducing exposure to noise.

I hope I was able to help. Best of luck in your writing endeavors!

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 Agree/Disagree Police force carrying guns will encourage a higher level of violence. [2]

@yuchengkuo
Hi there!

I see that you're new here. Welcome to the forum. Let me look through your essay and provide you with a substantive feedback.

First and foremost, writing for IELTS is daunting because of the word count. While this may be restrictive (initially at least), it also helps you incorporate more writing techniques that would help you optimize the space you have for your essay. Omitting unnecessary and irrelevant words to create a more direct and yet formal approach would be critical in this manner.

Moreover, be wary of the structure of your sentences. Having such complex sentences can drag your essay down, especially if the content does not fully flesh out the thoughts that you have. Simplified and yet academically appropriate structures would be the key for your essay.

Now, having said that, I can best show you how these two comments work in text through revising the first parts of your essay.

It is argued that a higher rate ... increase the rate of violence would increase if polices policemen are armed ...
I agree ... responsibility to determine ... weapons in the use of lethal weapons.

... problems is that police carrying ... themselves criminals would likely respond by policemen carrying guns by acquiring ones themselves. Guns only can only be used in extreme conditions. so if If police officers ... to keep the safety on society ensure society's safety, the same rule can also apply also applies to criminals, who may use guns to do criminal activities ... hurt pursue criminal acts and defend themselves in case of an outbreak.

In order toTo decrease the level ... and train police force policemen properly when ... situations to properly respond to dangerous situations.

Best of luck in your writing!

Writing Feedback / In any field - those in power should step down after five years [3]

@yyu340
Hello there!

As someone has already given you a rating, I would rather prefer to focus more on content-based feedback so that you may improve your writing.

First and foremost, watch out for your usage of the forms of verbs/terms/words. I would be cautious if you are using the appropriate ones within context. I will put this into perspective later on in my revision.

Secondly, work a little bit more on your structure. Baffling structures can hinder you from having academically acceptable content. If you can do this, you'll be able to develop a more enhanced form of technical writing.

Third, I would recommend avoiding using lengthy sentence structures in the meantime. I have noticed how you tend to compress a lot of thoughts into a single chunk of sentence. Having a more organic approach through writing in intervals is better.

Lastly, being straightforward (omitting unnecessary/irrelevant details) is a critical step to ensure you optimize your essay's space.

Having said that, let's revise the initial parts of your essay as a reference point for these comments.

... have witnessed rapid developments in ... Success in any ... public. It is well known that ... significant contribution contributors to success. Among different fields, leadership this plays different various but and yet ... Some claim that ... to success. There are claims that the path of success requires that a person of authority should step down after half a decade. Though it is true in areas such as of politics and government, fields such as ... applicableit would not apply for the business and education sectors. Constructing Gaining reputation and winning the trust from of the public often need time, while, on ... long-term power can result in corruption or even and other illicit behaviors.

Best of luck in your writing!

Writing Feedback / How important is COLLEGE education today? [3]

@minhthuy99
Hi there!

First and foremost, I can't seem to determine what form of citations you are using. If it is APA, then the formatting is quite off. Kindly check on this.

Secondly, watch out for the structure and the composition of your sentences. You have a tendency to produce quite off-putting content simply because of the lack of proper/appropriate structure. What I recommend is looking over your formal academic writing guidelines to ensure that you are grammatically and technically compliant.

Lastly, try smoother transitions between your sentences and paragraphs. Transitioning does not necessitate a filler word. Having a more organic approach and developing your ideas as is can go a long way.

Having said that, let's revise the first paragraph as a reference point for you to see how these play out.

Note: I will omit using citations, taking into account that I am quite uncertain what style you are using.

In his lifetime, an average college graduate will make $570 000 more than a high school graduate. To achieve career success, social and technical skills to enhance job seeking opportunities are required. Tertiary education is the best tool for this. I believe that college education, therefore, is crucial even for hesitant people.

[...]

Be cautious of the forms of the words/verbs that you are using. Remember that consistency is key!

Best of luck in your writing endeavors.

Letters / Personal Statement on why I want to attend a Service Academy (For Congressional Nomination) [2]

@DFLOW
Hi there!

Good luck with your nomination. Let me help you with your essay.

I think that, first and foremost, the beginning of your essay is quite put-together. I would only suggest that you try to integrate more formal writing techniques to establish more of a decent tone in your writing.

That being said, I do think that putting yourself alongside being a phoenix (as a comparative) can be utilized in a better way in your essay if you can provide more of a narrative format to its introduction to your text.

While I also recognize that these types of essays do not necessarily have to abide by traditional academic formats, you should ensure that you still knit formal writing rules into your writing.

Taking these into account, let's revise.

Cadets who attend service academies are eccentric; they dedicate themselves to balancing rigorous academics, fierce PT, and leadership obligations. My journey began when my veteran coach* asked me to join the last military football season. I looked into it and found these academies. Upon asking my uncle, who is in the army, about it, I was convinced to commit to it.

*It can be beneficial to personalize this through mentioning specifically a name if you're willing.

Best of luck in your application! Keep us updated - and don't be afraid to ask more!

Research Papers / Protecting people with Autism During Police Encounters: Research paper [2]

@Mastapluck
Hi there!

First and foremost, I think that you should focus on compressing your thoughts into smaller chunks of sentences. This will enable you to optimize the space you have in your essay, creating more room for depth.

Secondly, when you are writing technical content, it would be better if you can stay consistent with the forms. This goes alongside using more academically appropriate formats to make sure that you are not leaving anything behind.

Lastly, try to always be cautious of: punctuation, preposition, and the structure of your sentences. Keeping a checklist of these three would go a long way.

Nonetheless, looking at your essay, I think that you have quite in-depth hold over your content. Well done!

Let's revise a few parts of your essay.

The age of technology made it easier for people to upload their day to day lives. There are times wherein law enforcement has been exposed for lying about these concerning issues. Due to this, agents have been armed with body cameras to record their active duties. With the introduction of this policy, there has been an increase in the number of success cases on police harassment. This has resulted in states having to pay compensation to victims and their families. While most of these cases involve people of color, there are those overlooked by society as they are not fully protected under the law: individuals suffering from Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). With the rise in births over the last two decades, studies conducted by numerous organizations like the CDCP concluded that an increasing amount of people diagnosed with ASD and other mental illnesses have social and intellectual disadvantages. Currently, there are no state or federal laws that add extra protection for these people should they come in contact with law enforcement. The disparity of treatment has to be therefore resolved.

[...]

Notice how I had integrated these techniques in the revised version of the first paragraph.

Best of luck in your writing!

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2: Computers are just a tool or the most important invention? [4]

@melanienguyen278
Hello!

First and foremost, I think that your essay is well-written! You were able to establish your thoughts and create a decent grounding for your facts and arguments. That being said, I would recommend that you try to be cautious of the structure of your sentences. I have noticed that often you stretch out your structure, making you incorporate irrelevant and unnecessary words in between. Straightforward always works best.

Secondly, play around with your transitions. While I know that you are using conventional transitions (paragraph to paragraph, sentence to sentence), I recommend trying to create more organic approaches. Develop your own intuitive style to cultivate your writing techniques.

Lastly, be cautious of the following: punctuation and preposition. You had minor grammatical slip-ups (albeit are easily correctable - no worries!) that can influence the overall output you have.

Let's revise a few parts of your essay to give you an example of what I mean by these.

There are debates on whether or not computers are the best invention of all time; I agree with this statement.*

*It is unnecessary and dragging for you to repeat that phrase after this clause.

First of all, computers are useful tools in storing information. With a small computer, you can save thousands of documents, videos, and photos. Modern micro-chips installed in computers help store these data for users. In comparison, traditional libraries are limited, making them inferior to computers. [...]

Notice how I integrate together sentences; try this technique as well! This will go a long way with your writing.

Best of luck in your writing endeavors!

Undergraduate / University of Technology Sydney - Study plan for Australia visa [3]

@loan1210
Hi there!

Let's look through your essay in terms of content; and I hope I can provide you with valuable feedback.

First and foremost, I suggest that you try to be more cautious of the composition, structure, flow, and outline of your essay. All of these factors influence the output you have. Given that you are applying as an international student, I recommend that you start the essay through giving your educational background, prospects you have for your career, and then touching a bit of the information you have about your country. Doing all of this will cover the fundamental bases that you need to discuss in the process. This will give you more structure to follow - and will help you create a less cluttered essay.

Secondly, I think it's great that you've discussed why you have chosen this university and the program! I suggest trying to incorporate more specific details into this. Doing this will enable you to showcase more interest in being part of the program.

Finally, don't be afraid to expound on details! Why do you want to teach in Vietnam? Why do you want to become a lecturer in this particular university? How will Australia and the university you had applied for contribute to your endeavors? Remember that if you can make this personalized and intimate, it will help your essay have more depth.

Best of luck in your writing; and good luck with your plans!

Graduate / Personal narrative for SLP UOfC - Speech-Language Pathology [2]

@katy265did
Hi there!

Let me help you with your essay.

A couple of key reminders:
1. Remember to omit what you can omit. This basically means that excessive/unnecessary/irrelevant words should always be evaded as they do not contribute much to your essay.

2. Try to structure your sentences in a simpler manner. This will make it easier for you to express. This will also help you evade potentially making mistakes from having complex sentences that do not naturally integrate with each other.

3. In terms of content, while I think you have sufficiently laid out everything necessary, I suggest adding more details on your long-term goals. This should include both your career plans and your educational/research fields. Having both in your essay would help strengthen your narrative.

Let's revise a few portions of your essay in accordance to these comments, alright?

We are often asked what we want to be growing up. We are made to color pictures and write papers to help us develop interests. By the end of high school, there's a drawn expectation that we have fully grown up. For some, this holds true; they are able to make a lifelong career based on passions they had from childhood. For me, the case was different. [...]

I began my college career taking up a bachelor's program in Elementary Education. While I have respect for the field, I realized I did not have passion for teaching. My grades suffered; I was baffled. I switched to Speech-Language Pathology with little prior knowledge of the field. I came to realize what I could accomplish in the field. During my undergraduate program in Brescia University, I was the secretary of the school's NSSLHA chapter for two years. My GPA slowly and steadily improved, maintaing an average of As and Bs in the vast majority of classes.

[...]

Remember that as you are writing, ensure that you always try to follow conventional practices to establish an appropriate and formal tone in your language. Doing this will go a long way.

Best of luck in your application!

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 Some students leave school with a negative attitude towards learning and peer pressure [2]

@chrisskuo
Hello!

Let's take a look at your essay; and I'll do my best to provide you with an appropriate feedback.

First and foremost, while I think that your grasp of the language is sufficient, you can turn your focus now on maximizing the space you have for your essay. Because IELTS requires that you work confined with a word count, it is best if you can manage to create more strategic structures that will help you in the long-run.

In addition to this, omit what you can omit. Be straightforward. Restructure your sentences to create simpler and more bold proclamations.

Try more organic transitions between your sentences. Doing this will help you create effective contents that do not appear to be unnatural.

Let's take a look at your essay and revise in accordance.

Students nowadays have disruptive learning behaviors, affecting a large scale of their abilities. There are causes to this to be discussed in the essay alongside solutions.

One of the main problems with this negative mindset is that students cannot keep up with the pace of their studies. They fall behind in their grades, leading to potential mental issues.* Peer pressure alongside other challenges growing up affect their confidence in learning. [...]

*It is inappropriate to create quite assumptive messages in academic essays (ie. mentioning that it can already lead to depression). Be cautious of the terms you use.

Best of luck in your writing. Message us if you have any other questions!

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Ireland, Italy, Spain, Sweden, and Turkey - money spent on consumer goods [3]

@andrewfoy273
Hi there!

First and foremost, I think that your writing is straightforward and to-the-point. This is essential when you are writing interpretative data.

I recommend having more appropriate transition between your sentences/phrases. I have observed that you have a tendency to neglect structure when you are writing. Avoid this through being consistent with the rules of writing.

Speaking of consistency, if you decide to capitalize a terminology (ie. food/drinks/tobacco), push through with it. But, in this case, there is no need - not unless you are speaking of formal names of countries.

Having expressive sentences can also go a long way. You lose the meaning that you want to portray when you are merely writing everything.

Categorizing your words can also help you have more technique in shortening your content to have more space for in-depth/contributor lines.

Let's revise.

The table is evidence of the world's preference towards purchasing food, drinks and tobacco compared to other items. Turkey had the largest proportion in comparison to others.*

*The addition of your interpretation of leisure/education is quite far-fetched here. It doesn't quite fit the flow of the paragraph. Try to integrate it elsewhere.

Firstly, Turkey had the greatest percentage in food, drinks and tobacco, followed by Ireland with 33% and 29% respectively. In addition, the amount of consumer expenditure in Turkey is twice higher than in Italy.

[...]

I have noticed that you attempted to structure in a way that perceives Turkey as a reference point. I can suggest that you try to be more explicit about this to avoid confusing the readers.

Best of luck in your writing.

Scholarship / Technology and Multilingual Award - KGSP Undergraduate Personal Statement [4]

@KeeneSapphire
Hi there!

I'll divide my feedback into two parts: technical-based commentaries and content review.

In terms of the technical angle, I recommend that you become cautious of the forms of the words you are using and the flow of the structure of your essay. Doing this will ensure that your essay has an appropriate academic tone; this is, of course, necessary when you are writing formal essays.

Be cautious of the gaps that you have in language. It is always beneficial to consult your reference materials and/or seek for second opinion.

Let's take a look at your essay's overall content and revise.

Technology has developed over time. This made me curious about how modern-day technology is created. I was in first year high school when I realized that I wanted to pursue a career in Computer Engineering. My auntie graduated from the program and had influenced my passion for it. When I was in fourth year high school, I sought to enroll in a leading college to develop my technical knowledge and skills. Aside from the universities in the xxx, there was a list of universities in South Korea. Upon my research, I found that the country is leading in technological advancements. This made me eager to find a university that will suit me. What had stunned me was how expensive the tuition fees are for my desired university; I felt helpless as I knew my parents would not be able to afford this.

[...]

Have a more organic approach to writing. Simply write as though you are telling the story to a friend. Remember that it is vital to keep it personal to ensure that they see how involved you are in the program.

In terms of the content, I would suggest that you try to evade explaining too much experiences you had that may have no relation with the topic at hand. For instance, the discussion of your NSTP doesn't quite fit the application. I would opt that, because this is an educational scholarship, you try to focus more on the academic-based merits that you have. For instance, your last paragraph holds a lot of potential. If you can explain this portion with more in-depth detail, it would bring benefits to your written work.

Best of luck as always!

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2 (global climate change) - carbon print [3]

@chanyinyui
Hi there!

I will not necessarily give a band score; I would still provide you with feedback on your essay.

A couple of key notes to consider and become cautious of:

1. Watch out for the structure of your sentences - hereafter, also your entire paragraph. Using techniques to integrate your thoughts will bring you a long way when it comes to writing.

2. Evade repetitive language when you are writing. If you find yourself using the same word/s, try to use synonymous - or simply restructure your sentence in a way that would avoid the issue altogether.

3. Be wary of lengthy sentences. Often, the reason why we get to these lengths is not because it is necessary. Rather, we forget to cut down on irrelevant details.

Keeping these in mind, let's revise a few portions of your essay.

Climate change has grown to be a global problem. The question of which country, more developed or less developed, should shoulder the responsibility has been controversial. While some people believe it should be all countries, I hold firm that developed countries have a greater responsibility.

There is ample evidence suggesting that developing countries emit more greenhouse gas in the past decade due to rapid advancements in manufacturing from multinational firms. These companies, attracted by low tax rates and lenient environmental regulation, set up massive production lines.

[...]

The succeeding/last sentence you had for the second paragraph is quite unnecessary; you can omit it. When you are writing the third paragraph try to have a different tone and approach in writing as you were repeating the same terminologies and thoughts. If you can be more innovative in your content, it will go a long way.

Best of luck as always!

Writing Feedback / The use of social media is replacing face-to-face contact in this century. Good or bad? [3]

@chiruha
Hello.

Some key points I would like to detail out:

1. Be consistent with your usage of forms.
2. Watch out for sentences that may lack/have excessive punctuation.
3. Don't create overbearing sentences by adding too many words that are irrelevant to the content that you have.
4. Integrate your thoughts and strategically curate your sentences. Doing this will let you use more techniques in writing that'll be beneficial for you to be more expressive and interpretative with your content.

Let's take a look at what you have in your essay and revise.

People nowadays chat with others online through social networks, causing them to spend less time on real-life communication. There are opposing opinions regarding this; I think it brings certain benefits.

Firstly, online chat brings people together. It enables us to connect with people all over the world. Even if a person is residing overseas, we can have means to communicate. Social media sites like Facebook bridges people together.

[...]

If you can create a more organic flow with the transition between your sentences, this will be beneficial for your essay's structure.

Best of luck with your writing.

Writing Feedback / Justifying and estimating belong to necessary skills for youngsters to acquire in their young age [3]

@nagasirenz2
Hi there!

Omit unnecessary words that drag your essay's length. Doing this would enable you to have more hold over the content's depth because you'll have more space for expounding your thoughts and opinions.

Watch out for the formatting of your words. Always make sure that you are only using appropriate terminologies. This will help you tailor-fit and cultivate a more academic composition.

Don't create shortened sentences that do not use relevant/necessary details as if you are in a haste; don't cram everything also in just one chunk.

Let's revise your essay.

There is no doubt that knowing how to justify is a necessary skill to acquire in a young age. Some people would suggest punishment to encourage this. Personally, I think having these punishments would be beneficial for self-development.

It is irrefutable that parents and teachers take the most responsibility for the behavior of children. In terms of studying, pupils are encouraged to follow the rules to achieve better results in their academics. Recent researches indicate that students who flout rules are likely to get involved in gangs and unlawful activities. Additionally, parents should control their children. This can be done through setting regulations that have accompanying consequences when broken.

Notice how I had reinterpreted your thoughts and ensured that I abide by the conventions of writing. Doing this will ensure that you have more structure in your essay.

Best of luck as always!

Writing Feedback / Who holds the duty to take measures against environmental degradation? IELTS Task 2 [3]

@maria4506
Hello!

Welcome to the forum. Let's take a look at your essay to help you.

Be cautious of the construction of your sentence structure. I notice that you have a tendency to create lengthy sentences that do not necessarily abide by academic/appropriate standards. If you can strip down and omit particular terms that are irrelevant to the overall content, I recommend that you do so. This technique will help you sharpen your writing.

Use appropriate terms as well when you are writing. The issue is sometimes that we cannot determine the forms that we need to use for a specific word. When in doubt, it's always beneficial to double check with other people or reference materials. This will train you to proofread your own work with ease.

In addition, don't capitalize the word earth - this is neither a pronoun nor a special word that requires this formatting.

All of these comments are mostly tied to the essay's overall structure.

Let's revise a few portions of your essay.

It is evident nowadays that environmental degradation has become a global issue that needs to be urgently solved.* To get through this obstacle, some people say that the government should take policy-based measures because individuals cannot have drastic impacts. However, I strongly disagree; I think we all hold the responsibility to protect our planet.

*Notice how saying urgently instead of saying "to be solved as soon as possible" created more space in your essay. Using terms that will optimize your content will go a long way.

Apply these comments to your essay. Best of luck as always!

Writing Feedback / Truthfulness as the critical factor that contributes to sustaining a good relationship [4]

@junejulyapril
Hi there!

Welcome to the forum.

I think that your writing is nice. You have quite a grasp of the language already. I would only recommend that you try to be cautious of the forms of the words that you are using in your use; I can tell that you have quite a difficulty when it comes to utilizing appropriate terminologies in the process of writing.

Additionally, I recommend that you become more cautious of the structure of your sentences, considering that you have a tendency to thinly stretch your content.

Observe the way that you construct your sentences; this will take you a long way when you are trying to create more substantive and strategic writing.

Remove unnecessary and irrelevant parts of your sentence.

Watch out for: preposition, punctuation, and the composition and flow of your text.

Let's revise a few portions of your essay in accordance to these guidelines.

[...] Personally, I believe that truthfulness has the most weight in individuals' connections. There are two reasons for this, which I will explore in the essay.

First of all, openness guarantees trust among relationships. In this day and age, this is a crucial skill to build long-term success; this will require forthrightness in communication. If we are insincere, it is unlikely that faith will develop. [...]

Notice how I had omitted terms that you had been repeating multiple times. Depth does not necessarily mean using complex language; rather, depth in writing is achieved through having more substantial content. If you can grasp this, you should be able to cultivate more meaning in your (future) essays.

Best of luck in your endeavors! I wish you well.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: People have little understanding of natural world. Why and how to fix it? [3]

@manhmoc
Hi there!

Firstly, I recommend that you try to evade repetitions within a paragraph/sentence. For instance, take a look at your first paragraph. You had mentioned the word human and nature a few times, although you had used different forms. What I suggest is trying to rationalize and prioritize which words you feel as though are important. Having that sense of standardization will help you create leverage.

IELTS exams require you to work within confined and very specific word counts. This means that you should focus on ensuring that you optimize the space that you have. Omitting unnecessary terminologies would be a great start for this.

Let's take a look at your essay and analyze it from this viewpoint.

As much as humans have a reliance on nature, it's ironic how we barely recognize its significance. There are several explanations and solutions for this paradox.

The lack of appreciation towards nature can be attributed to a few causes. Firstly, there is the increase in technological developments. Due to insufficient education, people choose to take advantage of the environment through exhausting its resources to garner short-term benefits; this is all for personal satisfaction. [...]

Notice how when you remove particular terminologies, you are not necessarily changing the entirety of the text. Rather, you are still relaying the same thoughts but without the rigid details.

Try to keep these in mind as you are writing. Best of luck as always!

Writing Feedback / assignment - do you agree with the idea that children have a pet [2]

@changcap
Hi there!

Be cautious of the forms of the words that you use in your essay. Watch out for the way that you transition between your sentences. You can do this through trying out more organic means. Imagine as though you are uttering the sentences, not necessarily writing everything. This will give you more of an idea of how naturally write. The progression of your transitions should also be relevant and appropriate to that of what would be the formatting of your overall text.

Be wary of the punctuation and preposition that you have; all of these facets would contribute to the formality of your essay. This academic standard is critical in determining how your essay will flow.

Taking a look at what you have now, we can make the following revisions:

I agree that children should have pets. Firstly, once they are responsible enough, it will work out. As having pets require being responsible and proactive: feeding, bathing, and walking them out. Children are exposed to learning important taking care skills. Furthermore, they are also encouraged to exercise more with their pets. Having pets can also help reduce stress, loneliness, and anxiety; this can lower the overall blood pressure, relaxing the individual. [...]

Notice how I had tried to incorporate various techniques in the process of writing. Doing this will enable you to have your best foot forward.

Best of luck in your writing endeavors!

Graduate / Statement of intent for MA in Education at University of Nottingham UK [2]

@Jegede
Hi there!

I've noticed that you're new to the forum. Welcome! I'll help you with your essay.

First and foremost, be cautious of your sentences. Remember that when you are writing, having concrete sentence structures is crucial. This means that you have to have an organized pattern and ensure that you are consistently abiding with the conventions of grammar. This will let you create a more formal structure, creating more leverage for you to work with.

Be cautious of your punctuation, preposition, and the tone that you establish as you are writing.

Let's revise a few portions of your essay in accordance to these guidelines.

Quality education has not yet been achieved in Nigeria: homeless children are denied their rights to be educated. According to the United Nation, there are about 150 million homeless children. In Nigeria alone, there are 230 700 children living on the streets. Abandoned by their families, they are sent by Islamic tutors to beg in the streets; this is partially due to Koranic education in the northern parts of the country. [...]

I would suggest that you minimize the irrelevant/unnecessary add-ons in your explanation. While I know that you were trying to explain why you have chosen this program, it would be beneficial if you could as well allocate time and space into expounding more on your prospects for research in the field. Remember that your the pursuit of postgraduate studies would almost always be towards this. Discuss specifically how you can apply these research skills to your long-term career goals. Being as specific as possible is the key.

Best of luck in your endeavors!

Graduate / STATEMENT OF INTENT FOR GRADUATE STUDIES IN BIOMEDICAL ENGINEERING IN CANADA [3]

@Cautiouswriter
Hi there!

Welcome to the forum. Let me help you with your essay.

First and foremost I recommend that you try to have simpler sentence structures if you still cannot grasp complex ones. Writing does not necessarily mean that you have to solely stick to baffling structures. If you can focus on having an organic flow, you'll be able to have more grasp over the content that you have.

Avoid having repetitive clusters of thoughts in your sentences. Doing this will enable you to optimize the space you have in your essay. This is crucial, especially because you are working within word counts. The constraint should be taken care of.

Additionally, add more enthusiasm to the tone of your essay. While it's important that you showcase a level of elegance in your text in terms of having academic standards, it's also beneficial to be perceived as having sufficient passion for the field that you want to partake in.

Having said that, let's try to revise a few portions of your essay.

I am writing this essay with the intention of taking up Master's in Biomedical Engineering. The [xxx university name] is ranked as one of the leading universities with its outstanding research facilities.*

*I do not think it's necessary to mention that there is a diverse student population; this is not particularly relevant in the discussion. Instead of putting this into the essay, I would opt that your content on ideas that are relevant to your intention to join the program. Learning to omit lines that are irrelevant would be beneficial as well.

While this engineering field was not initially my interest, I began developing passion for it. I was fascinated with the juxtaposition of engineering and the biological system. During my undergraduate studies, I was enthralled by biomedical imaging developments, especially as I had worked for a medical device company. [...]

Doing small things like integrating your sentences can go a long way in creating more precise/concise/efficient sentences. Being able to have hold over this will let you create more substantiated and in-depth content.

Best of luck as always in your writing endeavors.

Scholarship / Fulbright Scholarship Essay: Masters in Education [3]

@NajmaGhuloom
Hi there!

I see that you're new to the platform. Welcome! Let me help you with your writing.

The first paragraph is quite enticing. I would only wish that you would try to create/use a more formal structure to ensure that you are able to capitalize on the key ideas that you have in your essay. While creative writing entails a level of flexibility when it comes to the desired outcome of the text, I still recommend sticking to a structured output; this will improve your writing tremendously.

In terms of the outline/flow of your essay, I would recommend trying to have a more structured approached. What this means is that you should try to either have an inductive or deductive pattern in handling the material that you are curating. Doing this will help you in the long-run in creating more substantive content that all lead to a single thesis and a conclusive remark. Once you have done this, you will be able to facilitate through everything else.

I noticed that when it came to the second to the last paragraph of your essay, you were beginning to become quite lost and baffling in your content. Evade this through making sure that you have a structured approach.

Let's revise a few parts of your essay in accordance to these comments.

Legacy is a word that I come back to when I'm lost. As I figure out what I want to do, I ask myself: "What do I want my legacy to be?" Having lost my my anchor and guiding compass in life, I was directionless. I knew that simply riding the tides would not be an option.

After all, I am my mother's daughter - her legacy.

[...]

Notice how incorporating these small flairs will go a long way for your essay. Having that dramatic pause and separation from the last sentence enables a period of pondering for the readers. All of this would help you sustain a tone in your essay that would be beneficial for you.

Best of luck in your writing.

Essays / I need help on a hook/ thesis statement for my prompt on Great Gatsby [2]

@izjalen
Hi there!

This prompt has vast potential when it comes to the film itself - I would even go as far as saying that you can go along with it and be as creative as possible.

To give you a brief idea of what this means, the film itself consistently tried to withhold information about the lives of almost all the main characters: Gatsby, Daisy, and the others. If you notice the trajectory of the film, this enabled the film to have a more vigorous plot as you are able to have that notion of mystery ingrained into its timeline. It's enticing for readers to not know necessarily how the film will turn out - because of this, clients would be able to have their own intimate and personalized interpretation of what will transpire in the film. Having an approach like this would let the readers of the text become more interested in the lives of the people.

You can start off from this point of view. Afterwards, you may discuss the specifics of what had transpired throughout the novel/film. Having a detailed explanation, linking them to essential concepts, and creating more visualization and imagery will go a long way.

Best of luck as always!

Writing Feedback / Ielts task2: Government plans for global warming [2]

@bluepen0311
Use more appropriate terminologies when you are trying to explain things. For instance, you do not extend the cost of flying - instead what you do is increase the cost of flying. Extending has a different meaning than increasing. Knowing these differentiations would benefit you in the long-run because you'll have more substantive content.

Try to be more specific and straightforward when you are writing as well. Doing this will enable you to have more hold over the meaning and the content of your essay. If you can accomplish this, you'll be able to generate more optimized sentences that would benefit you in the long-run.

Having a more structured academic essay will serve you well. Once you are able to construct your sentences in a more effective manner (restructuring, using more academic/appropriate/formal language, omitting lines that are unnecessary), you'll find that writing can benefit you tremendously.

Let's revise a few lines for your essay.

To mitigate the negative effects caused by the air travel industry, governments agree to increase the costs of flights; this is predicted to make people fly less to reduce carbon emissions to the atmosphere. I agree with these plans, however the government should consider plausible drawbacks of the situation.

[...]

Ensuring that you have clarity in your language is key. For instance, don't just say that the higher fees would be an incentive for airlines to produce less pollution; instead, you can mention that having these said fees would increase the budget which could possibly make airlines dedicate more of their finances to funding ecological research and development. Being specific (ie. mentioning it's for ecological research and development) and having a step-by-step approach are both key incentives for you to learn more.

Keep these in mind as you are writing. And best of luck as always!

Writing Feedback / I've written this essay about overpopulation topic. Meaning and consequences. [2]

@suong1510
Try to minimize the number of unnecessary terms in your essay; this will help you optimize your essay in the long-run because you'll have more space for substantive content.

Additionally, try to be cautious of lengthy sentences that do not serve you well. Ensure that when you are writing, you are attempting to be as straightforward as possible. This will enable you to curate a more organic approach to writing.

While I do think that these areas are for your improvement, I think that, in terms of content, your essay is quite in-depth and was able to expound on the fundamental areas that needed to have discussion.

Having said that, let's revise a few portions of your essay.

There has been the emergence of numerous pressing issues in the world. One of the most troublesome ones include the rapid rise of population; this essay will expound on this.

To begin with, it is undeniable that our environment is in trouble; and it is obvious that over-population is to be blamed. [...]

When you can construct more concise sentences through using specific terms, opt to do this (ie. saying that it is undeniable instead of saying that there is no denying that this issue exists). Having grasp of this technique will enable you to have hold over the output that you have.

Consistency in content and form is key when writing.

Best of luck as always!

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2 - WHICH BENEFITS OF TAKING A GAP YEAR FROM A SCHOOL? [3]

@datngn09
Hi there, Dat!

Welcome to the forum. Let me help you work through your essay.

For the amount of time you had poured into writing, the essay is quite well-written. I would only say that you should try to evade unnecessary lines that can drag your essay down. What this means is you should try to only include texts that would be beneficial for you. Try to evade confusing lines at all costs. Being straightforward would help you in the process.

Let's try to optimize your content to make your essay more effective.

There has been a surge in popularity of high school graduates who have chosen to take gap years before entering universities, mainly for work or travel purposes. While most think that this is time wasting and disruptive of the academic progress for young people, there are still benefits.

[...]

While you may think that adding a lot of words would help you have more complexity and engagement in your content, long-form sentences can also discourage/prevent you from developing more depth in your writing. Use these words instead to allocate more substantive content that'll help you develop your essay's meaning. For instance, in your second to the last paragraph, you spent a good chunk of this repeating that there are more unforeseen benefits when a person travels or does other non-educational activities during their gap year. It would be beneficial if you could expound on this said potential.

Best of luck as always!

Writing Feedback / Advanced technology can prevent and solve the crime [3]

@Krystal318
First and foremost, the usage of the word would be depending on the context. You can mention the crime if you are talking about a specific instance. You can say a crime if it's in a broader sense. Really, this is all about trying to figure out the specifications of the details you wish to portray.

In addition to this, I think that your sentences are quite stretched thin in some instances. This means that you should try to be as straightforward as possible to ensure that you do not get lost in translation. Now, having said that, I suggest approaching your writing this way to have more an organic form.

Let's revise a few parts of your essay in accordance.

There has been a dramatic decline in the number of offenders compared to the past. Although I believe that technological improvements have contributed to this, crimes are also evolving into more complicated forms. This has made them harder to prevent.

[...] Nowadays, the availability of technology has helped citizens and authorities detect unusual activities to protect their properties from robbery. Specifically, the installation of surveillance cameras for security purposes has made public and private spaces safer. [...]

Try to avoid being repetitive with your words. This will not benefit you in the long-run because you'll end up not optimizing the space you have in your essay.

Best of luck as always!

Research Papers / Is Organic Farming Worth the Cost? [2]

@juliannabond59
Hi there!

Evade being repetitive when it comes toy our words. Doing this will enable you to have more space for in-depth analysis of the information that you are trying to portray. In addition to this, also try to avoid having sentences are too lengthy. While these may be superficially alright, the portrayal of the words do not necessarily flow perfectly. What I would recommend is that you try to incorporate more techniques in shifting between your sentences to ensure that you are not merely writing things down.

I am not quite sure how you began your essay, but having a more concrete approach through incorporating an outline for your essay before you start writing can go a long way. This will especially be helpful if you are writing long-form content. Make sure that you do not leave behind information in the process.

Additionally, avoid incorporating too many citations in a single paragraph. It is encouraged that you try to disperse this instead of putting everything in a vacuum. It is better to have sporadic citations to spread out your content.

Let's revise a few parts of your essay in accordance to this.

The costs of organic farming and food are being debated heavily these days. Many believe that these are worth the cost because of the positive effects, whereas there are supporters of conventional farming practices state that organic food has no scientific evidences to back-up these information. [...]

Try to always be innovative with the way that you construct your sentences. Ensure that you keep your essay academically correct.

Best of luck!

Research Papers / Research Paper on stress, burnout and depression. [3]

@kay2158231
Hi there!

Seems like you already have a general idea how you can improve your essay. Let's take it from there.

Firstly, being repetitive can hinder you from having more depth and substantive content. A good way to avoid this is through laying out a suitable/concrete outline for you to follow. If you have an outline, you'd evade having repetitive thoughts as you have more space to expound on unexplored topics.

Moreover, I have observed in your essay that you tend to drag sentences. When you aim to have more depth, it does not necessarily mean that you have to over-explain particular concepts. Developing your thoughts from Point A to Point B is not the same as simply repeating thoughts.

For instance, let's revise your first paragraph in accordance to these guidelines:

About twenty percent of teens experience depression before reaching adulthood. Diagnosed anxiety involves persistent worrying in daily activities. Panic attacks, uneasy heart palpitations, crippling exhaustion, and heavy breathing are all physical indicators of this. Having nerve-wrecking thoughts about unprecedented events that seemingly have no concrete cause can be a result of this. That being said, there are similarities between experiencing stress and burnouts. People who struggle to efficiently work have higher risks of burnout. This leaves people exhausted [...]

I suggest that you try to revise the succeeding sentences because it's quite unclear when you merely put it this way. Discuss more in-depth the differentiation between the two concepts. General terms like feeling exhausted should be avoided. Instead, try to go more in-depth.

Best of luck!

Essays / MEXT Japanese scholarships Need Ideas [5]

@waqar845
Hi there!

You can provide us with more details: a rough outline of what research you would like to partake in the field and a brief background of yourself as an individual. With these pieces of information, we'll be able to properly assess how we can potentially improve your writing.

In general, these types of essays require that you summarize what your experiences have been - and what interests you have in the field. Furthermore, it would be beneficial if you could expound on concepts that you would want to have more in-depth knowledge on. What is truly crucial is that, as you are writing, you showcase a level of dedication and passion in the field. There are many ways to do this. But, in this instance, it would be great if you could be as detailed as possible in writing to tell the evaluators that you have been studying and researching abundantly about this field.

Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: The bar chart show the petroleum production and consumption among 7 regions in 2002 [3]

@grace412
Hi there!

When writing interpretative data, try to be cautious of the sentences that you have. Baffling structures can turn out negatively. Being as straightforward as you possibly can be will take you a long way.

Let's take a look at your essay and revise a few lines.

The bar chart compares the amount of petroleum consumed and produced in seven distinct areas in 2002. Overall, four out of the seven regions used more than they produced. Middle East was the biggest producer, whereas Europe had the highest usage.

In 2002, Europe and Middle East provided the same amount of petroleum at nearly 7 million barrels daily. [...]

Notice how removing lines would go a long way because you have more space. Having lengthy sentences would not necessary indicate more depth in your content - keep these in mind at all costs.

Keep these in mind as you are writing. Best of luck as always!

Undergraduate / Single mom pharmacy admission [2]

@Stewartalyssa25
Hi there! Welcome to the platform.

I think that the direction that you want to take your essay in is interesting and truly touching. For one, I think that you should focus more on creating a structure that would lead you into actually discussing how your daughter has affected your life. For instance, don't be afraid to tackle how her birth felt like for you. You can detail this as intimately as possible to build empathy in the text. Furthermore, I would also recommend that you focus on expounding on specific moments that you think have contributed to your choosing. Was there an instance that had happened in your daughter's life that had made you choose to be admitted to pharmacy school? Why specifically have you chosen this field for your studies? How do you think this will contribute to your life as a single mother? By answering fundamental questions, you'll be able to expound as to why you have chosen this path.

If you'd like more detailed feedback, next time you can incorporate personal details (with discretion, of course) and link this altogether with why you have chosen this path. This will give us a clearer picture as to your goals and admissions in life.

Best of luck!

Research Papers / Dissociative Identity Disorder: Something Real or an Act [2]

@MarieJurado18
Hi there!

First and foremost, be cautious of the structure of your sentences. I have noticed that you often have a tendency to create baffling structures that do not follow academic/formal standards. To ensure that you have this followed through, always double check your writing.

Additionally, I have also observed that you have a tendency to misuse punctuation, preposition, and other parts of technical grammar. I recommend that you try to use more appropriate terms to help you in this process.

I also have noticed that your transition between paragraphs is quite confusing. On top of this, paragraphs are constructed with roughly four to six sentences. Anything that goes below (or above that) should be edited in accordance. You should always follow the conventions of having a thesis statement, supporting sentences, and a concluding remark. This is to make sure that you relay your essay as effectively as possible.

It is also helpful for you to introduce an acronym before using it throughout your essay - regardless of how obvious it may be.

Let's revise your introductory paragraph to serve as an example.

Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) was first classified in 1980 in the DSM-III as a disorder. Previously in 1968, it was known as a hysterical neurosis. Since then, there are numerous case studies and statistics to prove that this is a real disorder. The question of why there are innumerable controversies surrounding it is still in place. This research focuses on categorizing opinions, stories, and related studies that prove that the DID is a real illness that follows medical criteria.

Notice how I had omitted particular lines that do not serve your essay. While you may innately think as though you need to over-justify, you do not need to do so especially when you are merely establishing the thesis statements. This will go a long way in producing more substantive content.

Best of luck as always!

Writing Feedback / The line graph of enquiries received by the Tourist Information Office in one city [2]

@Chau Nguyen
Hello!

First and foremost, I think you should focus on optimizing the word count through removing redundant lines.

In addition, you also have a tendency to stretch your sentences thin. This is when you add unnecessary/irrelevant phrases to your line that do not contribute anything substantive to the depth of what you are saying.

Watch out also for your usage of preposition and punctuation. Misuse of these can negatively impact the technicalities of your essay, causing your content to appear informal/less academic (at the very least).

In line with this, I recommend the following revisions:

The line graph is a comparative of the quantity of requests received by a city in three different ways from January to June of 2011.

It is clear the in-person enqueries experienced the most dramatic change. While the quantities received by in-person and telephone rose significantly, there was a decline for letters or emails.*

*Notice how omitting small lines that do not have significant meanings can go a long way for your content. In addition, it also helps if you can be more straightforward when it comes to relaying information.

Best of luck as always!

Writing Feedback / After high school, students decide whether to continue studying in an university or getting a job [2]

@opaki123
Hi there!

Let's look through your essay; I do have a couple of key recommendations.

First and foremost, evade repetitive phrasings when you are constructing your text. Doing this will not benefit you because you'll end up wasting the word count. Instead, always try to optimize and maximize your essay through elaborating on details with more depth and substance.

In addition to this, be cautious of fundamental technicalities in writing: punctuation, preposition, and consistency of your verb forms. Once you have gotten this out of the way, you'll be able to have more hold over the content of your essay.

Having said that, let's revise a few portions of your text.

Upon graduating from high school, students decide to either study or get a job. While immediately jumping into a career has advantages, I would argue that admission to a universities for further studies is more advantageous.

Notice how in this portion, I made certain to consistently have variations in the text. Instead of saying that getting a job straight after school, I said that it would be jumping into a career path. Notice how they both relay similar messages but that the latter has a straightforward approach and would develop the thought more.

On the one hand, a majority of students land jobs after finishing their programs. Some do not have sufficient grades to take further studies, therefore causing them to focus on work. Moreover, they have opportunities to sharpen other skills in the workplace. Communication and collaboration are crucial when speaking of advancements in the technological age. [...]

I would recommend that you revise the content and thoughts of the succeeding sentence after this. You can add more substance through explaining how advanced programs have advantages (therefore warrants that we should focus on them).

Best of luck in your writing!