Scholarship / Personal Statement - GKS 2019/Embassy Track - Industrial Engineering [2]

Jose, there are two weak points in this essay that you need to address. The first, is the lack of academic background. When the essay asks you to discuss your academic background, that means you have to explain how well or little you performed as an undergraduate. A presentation of notable accomplishments during this time leading up to your professional career would be of tremendous help to your application. In addition to that, you need the academic discussion to help you present your college thesis, which will then allow you to explain your research abilities and background. You need to portray yourself in terms of being an academic rather than just a professional. The student has to evolve into the professional and it is that evolution that you have to present in the essay. By doing so, you will be able to balance out the extremely heavy professional self - portrait you have in this essay.

Try to connect your academic goals and professional ambitions to the reasons why you want to study in Korea. Right now, you are just telling the reviewer what he already knows about his country, but not about how a Korean education inspired you to reach higher academic goals. If you are impressed by the Korean accomplishments in terms of the industrial revolution, then you should also be interested to learn about how a Korean education can help you jump-start the same in your own country.

Once you add these points, the essay should be in a better position to portray your interests in pursuing the GKS in Industrial Engineering.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Too much fast foods consumed and higher tax as some solution [2]

Hong, this was a very well written essay until you had to write the concluding paragraph. The concluding paragraph is always written as a summary or recap of the previous discussion covering the following topics:

1. Restatement of the discussion topic
2. Your opinion of the topic
3. Reasons for your opinion
4. Closing sentence

I admire the way that you were able to make yourself understood clearly using your intermediate grasp of the English language. While you did have grammatical errors strewn throughout the essay, these mistakes did not impede the understanding of what you were trying to say in the paragraph. While you need to work on the cohesiveness of your presentation, it was, at the very least, coherent enough to gain you a passing score in the C&C and GRA sections. These are the main problem areas of your essay that you should pay attention to during your next practice test.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1 - ANIMAL ADOPTIONS [3]

Le, you are short of the required 4 paragraph presentation for the Task 1 essay even though you wrote more than the minimum 150 word requirement. That is because you failed to properly represent the comparison information with regards to the chart information. You also failed to properly identify the type of chart provided in the summary overview. This is not a diagram but a bar chart. You have to be accurate when it comes to identifying information in your essay otherwise you could lose points with regards to C&C considerations.

Since numerical data was provided throughout the essay, you should have constantly quoted the information from the chart. Do not use assumptions or implied information when there is factual data to consider, that creates a less informative presentation for the examiner to consider. Since this is an analytical report, you need to use all the available information in your presentation otherwise, it can affect your C&C score yet again.

Your LR score will suffer due to your carelessness when it comes to spelling. Always double check your spelling before submitting your work, wrong spelling will result in LR deductions for you. You misspelled Wisconsin in this essay which is unforgivable considering that the name of the state was actually spelled for you in the chart. This clearly shows how little to studied the chart and how you could care less about the accuracy of your writing. If you want to pass this test, then mind the way that you write. Every mistakes counts towards a failing score.

Your GRA could well be placed in a bad situation as well because you use contractions in a formal writing setting. Never use contractions unless you are writing an informal paper. In this instance, do not use short cuts when spelling, always spell it out.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: no government restrictions for creative artists and their work [3]

Asit, you have written 347 words. You dedicate all of your time to writing the task, and no time at all to editing the work. Which is why, even though you wrote more than the required 250 words, it will not be possible for you to get a passing grade with this paper. For starters, you will not have the time allowance to write 400 words. It cannot be done due to the review and editing required of your work. This essay, which you did not edit for mistakes shows more than several grammatical errors that you did not address prior to submitting the essay for review. That is sloppy work. You have to edit your work before submitting it otherwise you risk failing the test due to over complacency. It is not enough that you met the word requirements or wrote a lot of words. That does not assure you of passing the test. Writing academically, avoiding grammar and sentence structure issues, and making sure your thoughts are clear in your writing are what will help you get a passing score. This essay does not do that for you.

In a Task 2 essay, it is better if you avoid creating rhetorical sentences such as questions that do not really have responses. That is because doing so tends to change the prompt topic. In this instance, when you presented the question, you then failed to properly respond to the extent question:

Discussion Question: To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion.

Response: This essay will provide reasons with supporting examples in order to prove the importance of providing an absolute independence to art.

Proper Response: I totally agree that the government should not interfere with artistic freedom.

You will immediately fail the TA requirement when it comes to the prompt paraphrase because you have failed to outline the discussion instruction and respond to the discussion question based on the original presentation. How did you end up changing the question? You did that when you offered this rhetorical question:

Should an authority interfere with the idea propagated by a piece of art or should they leave it up to the society's acceptance or rejection?

I would be better if you do not mention names of people that the examiner may not know about. Keep the discussion simple using more current or popular names when writing your opinion. That way the examiner will not have to look up the person you are talking about. It is not necessary to use names, your personal opinion would work just the same.

Had you reviewed this paper before submitting it, you would have noticed that you lacked a comma after a conjunction and an introductory element. These are the types of mistakes that could be avoided if you had taken the time to review your paper before submitting it. Proper punctuation marks have a direct bearing on your GRA score. Mistakes count in this instance. Contractions may also have a negative effect on your GRA score so always spell out the words such as It's - It is to avoid possible down scores.

You conclusion is also a continued discussion of the given topic. This created an open ended rather than a closed essay discussion. The concluding paragraph is always a summary of your given discussion in relation to the prompt topic. If you fail to present the essay in that manner then you will not have properly concluded the presentation. Open ended essays tend to lower the TA score as well.

In this instance, you tried to show off your knowledge about the topic instead of focusing on the simplified presentation of your English language skills. Your skills are more important than your knowledge of the topic. Keep it simple, don't overdo it. Your score will be better for it.

Writing Feedback / Social media (Advantages and Disadvantages) [3]

Zoheb, I am not going to mark you on any of the scoring bases because what you wrote is not a task 2 essay but a research paper. Which means this essay is automatically going to fail in an actual test setting. There is absolutely no way this kind of writing, though academic, will pass the test. You have written the essay without referring to any examples as to how you may approach the writing of this type of essay question, which is why you ended up making this fatal error in your writing style.

You wrote 422 words, even with a speed typist, this number of words will be too much for a 40 minute task. You should not write more than 25 lines of 300 words at the most. The essay obviously uses researched information rather than personal knowledge or experience. In which case you have not written an opinion paper but a research paper. Task 2 essays only require personal knowledge, reasoning, and opinions. You do not have access to internet sources at the testing center, regardless of whether you use the pen and paper or computer based test. This style of research dependent writing will result in the failure of your paper.

I cannot review the rest of your paper because you have not adhered to the basic test writing requirements which are:

1. A proper prompt paraphrase (restatement of the topic and discussion instruction)
2. Reasoning paragraphs based on personal knowledge and/or opinions
3. Concluding summary

It will be better if you first review the sample Task 2 essays located in this forum before you start writing another practice test. Don't review blindly. That is how you fail. Look at how others do the work, learn from their mistakes, apply it to your own work. It should not take you more than 10 minutes to outline the paper, take 20 minutes to draft, and 10 minutes to finalize the content. Do not, I repeat, do not do research. You cannot do that in the testing center.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 1. How to build your own water clock. [3]

Ngo, you must remember that the Task 1 essay requires a total of 4 paragraphs, not 4. You have to better spread out your discussion of the instructions provided in order to do that. Try to aim for 175 words to allow yourself the opportunity to write enough words for better scoring potentials across the board.

You need help with your English vocabulary. To " recreate" means to create an imitation. In this case, the person is being instructed on how to "create" the water clock. It is better to use the more precise word description in this instance to help create a more convincing take on the instructions you will be providing.

Try to avoid writing long sentences. Your first paragraph could have better helped your GRA score if you had divided the information in the second sentence into 2 presentations instead of 1 long description. That tends to come across as a run-on sentence because of its length and the combination of two ideas in one sentence.

Save for these observations, you did a good job on this essay. The instructions are clear and the reader can easily follow the presentation you used. Good job!

Writing Feedback / The only way to improve road safety is to give much stricter punishments on driving offense? [5]

I do not believe that you have written enough words to assure yourself of a passing score in the essay. 251 words isn't enough of a presentation to highlight your English writing abilities. You need a maximum of 275 words to accomplish that. Don't just try to meet the minimum word requirement. You are not maximizing your scoring potential in all 4 considerations when you do that.

Since you did not provide a copy of the original prompt requirements, I cannot assess the content of your essay for its relevance to the remaining scoring considerations. Please remember to provide that the next time you post here for a review. You cannot expect a comprehensive review from a contributor without it. Overall, I believe you have the potential to do well in the test. I just need more information to help guide you towards that.

Writing Feedback / Nowadays children are more undisciplined because their parents are more busy with their career. [3]

Knobs, your opening paraphrase is confusing. It does not make sense. Although you provided a proper extent response to the (dis)agree question, you did not outline the reasons that will support your response. The reasons should have been outlined in the opening paraphrase to fully satisfy the Task Accuracy requirements. As such, your TA score will not be as high as it could have been. Once you miss out on representing one of the prompt paraphrase requirements, you can expect point deductions to be applied to the Task Accuracy section of the scoring considerations.

Your essay went off topic in the second paragraph, also known as the first reasoning paragraph. This mistake continued all the way to the concluding summary. Due to the prompt deviation, you cannot expect this essay to get a passing score. It lacks clarity, it does not follow the discussion instructions, and it closes on a totally unrelated topic rather than a discussion summary. I strongly urge you to familiarize yourself with the discussion methods for the Task 2 essays before you continue with your practice tests. If you don't understand how to respond to the essays, you will not be able to pass the actual test.

Scholarship / Personal Statement for GKS application (MBA, MEXICO) [3]

You have developed a well rounded essay that needs only a few adjustments to make it more viable for the second round of screening. The first thing you have to do is be more definitive regarding your accomplishments as an undergraduate. That means you have to speak more about undergraduate foundation in relation to the scholarship you received. Discuss your academic accomplishments. As a scholar, you surely won academic recognition within Mexico first. Mentioning those accomplishments will help give more credence to your claims.

You will need to discuss more about your research abilities by citing actual accomplishments such as your thesis project and projects you worked on while you were working at Samsung to help establish the foundation of your research skills and other relevant information. Make definite references because Samsung is a Korean company, which means there is a greater chance your information will be double checked at the company itself. So the information you can share regarding specific work times at Samsung can help them vet your information.

The rest of the essay can be used in its entirety, nothing should be removed. The essay can only be strengthened by additional, clarification information. I strongly believe you will be one of the strong contenders for this scholarship due to your relevant Korean experience and a unique desire to help promote Korea's diplomatic relationship with a Latin American country. Most applicants overlook that aspect of the application process.

Writing Feedback / Ielts task 2: many people try to look younger than their age, causes and opinion [3]

Osha, try to use descriptive adjectives instead of general reference adjectives to help heighten the clarity of your work. Rather than saying "a significant number", it would be better if you can attach an actual number reference to that to give the reader a clearer idea of what you want to say. The reference should be written as "a sizeable number" .

With 304 words, I feel like you have written too many words for this essay. I would be more comfortable if you can write a maximum of 275 words because you need to allot editing time for your essay. Don't assume that your draft is the finished product. Always try to review your work before submission. That is best achieved, considering the time allowance, within 275 words. Believe me, getting used to writing this way will pay off for you in the long run. You will be able to spot presentation errors and correct it for the score boost rather than leaving the errors and getting points deductions for it.

Learn to identify the different Task 2 types, This is a direct question essay. That means, you do not give a vague reference to a response located within the reasoning paragraphs. Instead, you outline the topics for the reasoning paragraphs by giving one sentence definite responses to every question provided. Please remember that the opening and closing paragraphs need a minimum of 3 sentences to help boost your TA and GRA scores.

Try to use non memorized phrases for your concluding paragraph opening. Rather than saying "In conclusion", change it up to show a familiarity with the English language. You could say "Based on the given information" or "Considering all the facts", as paragraph openers. That way you show that you have a good grasp of the English language and not just a memorized method of writing.

Scholarship / PERSONAL STATEMENT - KGSP 2019 - ENGLISH LITERATURE [3]

Lucia, this essay is not properly responding to the prompt requirements. You wrote a personal statement without assessing the prompt discussion topics. You have to make sure that you respond directly to the topics indicated, without wasting the time of the reviewer. This essay is so off track in response that there is a strong likelihood that it will not get past the screening round. Let me try and direct your essay by explaining to you what you have to discuss per discussion guideline.

Motivations with which you apply for this program
- This paragraph should discuss the advancement of your interest in English Literature. Based on your college background, where do you want to take the next level of your interest in the field? Why is it important to you that this avenue of study be pursued? Why did you choose this masters course in particular?

Your education and work experience in relation to GKS.
-Don't give your educational background that is not related to English Lit. There are only 2 things that the reviewer wants to know in this case:

1. What academic accomplishments did you have? Honors, awards, and publications should be mentioned. A thesis discussion must be included to represent your research skills.
2. The professional application of your English Lit course. Are you an educator? A professional translator? An English researcher? What line of work did you end up in? How does your current profession align with your future professional goals?

Reason for studying in Korea
- The reviewer does not care if you have a hard time learning Hangul and English at the same time. The impression should be that you can handle multiple language studies, specially since you are an English Lit major.

-You lack a personal reason for studying in Korea. You speak of the commonly known information which does not help to explain how the Korean education can help you become a better equipped professional after you complete the course.

By discussing the above information as I outlined it, you will have a personal statement that actually provides the required information. You will also be able to strengthen the presentation because the reviewer will have a clear idea as to where you plan to go with this line of study. These are the important considerations when reading your application for the GKS.

Writing Feedback / Write traffic jams and housing problem (IELTS) [3]

Seethal, while the examiner will accept US spelling for certain words, you are still taking a British English based test. There are several spelling differences between the two languages based on vowel positioning within the word. If you can familiarize yourself with British spelled words (e.g. centre, favour, behaviour) there will be a higher chance of your getting an above average LR score.

When using plural implied sentences such as "Bangkok has one of the highest traffic congestion rate in the world", rate should be written in the plural form "rates" as per subject-verb agreement rules. Avoid using contractions in academic writing settings. Always spell out the whole word as in the case of "won't". The full word "Will not" must be used.

When you write your response in the prompt paraphrase, there is no need to say "in my opinion" because your response will always start with the personal pronoun "I", indicating a personal point of view.

Scholarship / Economic Development - Commonwealth shared scholarship [5]

The prompt does not require you to explain why or how you chose the university you are applying to. This is not a school application essay yet. It is only a scholarship application. At this point, the explanation about the university is not yet required. That may be required later on, after you have been granted the scholarship but not before then. That is why you have to remove that information from your current presentation. Write only about the information that is being requested of you for this essay. You do not have to over-inform the reviewer. He doesn't need the university information at this point. Removing the last paragraph about the university will help your essay close on a track, within the required guidelines.

I know you want to tell the reviewer about the university choice at this point. However, the essay requirements only want to get to know about you and your experiences in life at this point. The reason for your academic choices will come later, after you have satisfied the scholarship requirements and passed the screening process. Don't rush things. The reviewer will not consider the university information at this point.

Writing Feedback / Ielts task 2: people sleep less than before, causes and effects [5]

In the second paragraph, you started off with a discussion regarding how social media keeps people awake. Then, without preparing the reader, you jumped to noise pollution without trying to connect the two through a transition sentence. A sentence along the lines of "Just as the blue light emitted by gadgets contributes to the lack of sleep of people, so does the noise emitted by his surroundings." That would have created a bridge between the first discussion and the second topic. The connecting sentence is very important because it helps to add to the clarity and understanding of the paragraph content.

The third paragraph needs only 2 effects for the discussion. Again, it has to be related or connected in the presentation so that each topic will always have one explanatory sentence after the topic sentence is introduced. Always aim for clarity. Don't just provide discussion topics, always explain. If you have reasons, but cannot explain the reasons then the paragraph lacks cohesiveness and coherence.

The concluding summary should include:
1. A reverse paraphrase (repeat of the topic and reasons for discussion in a single sentence)
2. A short, compressed version of the causes
3. A quick indication of the effects
4. Closing sentence

By doing these things, you will be able to implement the advanced writing style that the direct question with multiple discussion essay requires.

Writing Feedback / Some people believe that a rising petrol price is the best way to deal with traffic and pollution. [2]

Please try to write a minimum of three sentences for your opening paraphrase and summary conclusion paragraphs. The 3 sentence ruling is used because a complete paragraph, as per IELTS instructions, must be composed of at least 3 sentences before it can appear to meet the C&C standards of the test. While your discussion paragraphs are within the maximum 5 sentence requirement, you do not really fully develop the discussion ideas and instead, only offer a listing of possible solutions and reasons why alternative solutions might work. To get a better C&C score, which leads to a better LR and GRA score, you need to fully develop the discussion by offering explanations and examples.

That is why it would be best for you to discuss no more than 2 related topics per paragraph so you can use a transition sentence mid-paragraph which would help to increase the clarity and strength of your explanations. By the way, the essay is written in real time, that means the timeline is in the present, not in the past. Yet there were sections where you used past tense in the essay. Be conscious of the time frame you are writing about, it could affect your GRA scores.

This is not a bad attempt at Task 2 writing. However, the problems with your presentation style are very obvious. Hopefully we can help you address those issues and polish your writing style to help you pass the test.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2 - Advertisements - drawbacks and benefits [3]

Truc, this is not a comparison essay. This is a single opinion essay whose response is based upon one of the two choices provided to you in the original discussion prompt. Your approach to the essay used the comparison discussion approach instead which, although acceptable to a certain extent, will limit the actual high score your essay can achieve through a proper task response. Had you chosen to address the essay from one supporting angle, you would have scored better with this essay as it would have shown your ability to understand the given instructions and discuss it accordingly. Due to the comparison discussion that you used, the essay failed to totally and accurately respond to the prompt requirements. So I do not believe that this is an essay that can receive a passing score.

Graduate / Pharmcas- Pharmacy school personal statement! [3]

The main thing that I find confusing here is that as a pharmacist, your mother was never in a position to diagnose the patients. She only administered medication. Yet in the discussion, you make it appear like your mother was providing medical diagnosis to the patients rather than just dispensing medication. You may want to clarify that point so as to avoid any confusion regarding what your and your mother's task was during that visit to Cebu, Philippines. Your depiction is misleading and could make your experience questionable. Clarify to show that you were both there to just administer medicines, not diagnose them. Adjust the content of that paragraph accordingly to suit the clarification of your actual roles during that trip. Save for that observation on my part, I believe the essay is strong and provides a clear idea regarding your determination to become a licensed pharmacist that can help your application.

Scholarship / Economic Development - Commonwealth shared scholarship [5]

Nazifi, avoid using information within a parenthesis when writing a formal essay. Information placed in a parenthesis does not mean it is highlighted, that means it can be omitted from reading. That is not your purpose so do not hide the information in the parenthesis. It would have been better highlighted as a part of the paragraph presentation, using a comma to indicate its important position in the discussion.

Do not use the term "saddled" to describe your assigned duties and responsibilities as a member of the community association. The term "saddled" is negative in definition because it means having to do things that you dislike. I do not believe that you meant to say that in your essay right? Instead, use the term "assigned" or "delegated to perform the task of..." Both deliver a formal approach to the presentation.

The last paragraph removes the attention of the reader from the required discussion points of the essay. It is best not to include that last paragraph at the moment in order to avoid deviating the attention of the reader and requiring him to read the total essay again, just to see how the last paragraph fits the discussion or, as in this case, does not fit the discussion.

Undergraduate / Georgetown Transfer Essay: It's The Simple Things [4]

You have not made it clear within the essay that you are transferring from another university. That is why I asked you to remove that part. Since you are applying as a transfer student, you need to make that very clear right from the beginning of the essay. The problem with that paragraph is that is disconnects from the earlier parts of the essay. It also sounds like a brochure rather than an explanation of your reasons for transferring. There needs to be a logical progression from your previous university to the reason why you chose to move to Georgetown. Without that clarification, the paragraph seems like you just decided to throw it in there for no apparent reason. A comparison discussion must exist regarding the two universities in order to justify your reasons for transfer.

Scholarship / How is your program of interest related to sustainable energy [2]

Nmandi, the response that you gave feels like it was just a cut and paste of various job descriptions and topic discussions from across the web. It does not show a personal interest in the discussion of sustainable energy in relation to your interest in a specific program. Where is the reason for your interest? What is the academic push? The professional goal? Both of which have to relate to the issue of sustainable energy. You successfully described the potential of the program, but you failed to relate it to yourself. That relationship is required. You have to show a keen interest in the program as it relates to sustainable energy. Offer a personal definition or plans for sustainable energy development that does not sound so cut and paste from other sources. You need to show a personal involvement because this current presentation makes you feel so unattached to the topic that requires your response.

Writing Feedback / Write a short paragraph about the problems associated with an increase in the usage of car. [2]

Hi Quang. Since you did not specify whether this paragraph should be written UK or US English, I decided to go with the UK version since you are from Vietnam and will most likely by preparing for the IELTS test. Here is my review of your work.

With regards to your sentence structure, you said the following:

...only 4 km but i takes me 30 minutes...
The correct word is "it" not "I". I is a first person pronoun that is used to refer to oneself in a discussion, it does not act as a reference to a procedure as you wrote in this sentence.

Brush up on your comma usage. That is always used after an introductory element and a conjunction. You did not use the comma at all in those presentation points in this paragraph.

Noun phrase rules are clear, "a" precedes a singular form of a word. So it is incorrect to say "as a results". Instead say "as a result".

Word choice errors abound in this essay:

... have do deal = ... have TO deal

... deal with it everyday = ... it EVERY DAY

Avoid using contractions such as "that's" when writing academic papers. Spell out the word as "That is".

Scholarship / KGSP - Personal Statement - The Power of Visuals [2]

Ema, I tend to agree with the professional service. Your essay fits most of the requirements as provided by the discussion topic suggestions. You have clearly indicated that this is not a continuing education application, but rather a change of career path application. It provides a detailed explanation as to how this came about and how you have prepared for the continuation of your education under a new profession. Since this is a change in career path application, I do not believe that the GKS will require you to prove your research skills and abilities. All your related academic training and professional information seems to on the right path. I would like you to remove information from the parenthesis and make it a part of the actual paragraph though. The parenthesis makes the paper and presentation a little bit unprofessional.

You might also want to explain why you were further motivated to study in Korea because of the way that their creative arts seem to be region based instead of client demographic based. Use less of the explanation as to how they advertise and more information as to how you think their advertising style, once you learn more about it, can be used to up the advertising quality in your own country. That would help boost the motivational and reasoning aspect of your essay.

Save for that observation of mine, I believe that the essay is on solid ground. It just needs a little emphasis on certain discussion topics to make it highly competitive in the screening round. Right now, it is just competitive enough to make it through.

Scholarship / Being Independent - Essay to apply APU scholarship [2]

Quang, the prompt is not asking you to write about an obstacle that you are still currently tackling to overcome. Rather, you have to choose a situation that served to be an obstacle, which you have already successfully dealt with. That means, you have to write about the experience of identifying your problem, explaining why you consider it an obstacle, and how you arrived at the solution to the problem. The current essay that you are presenting does not follow this line of writing because you have yet to find a solution to the obstacle of becoming independent. The statement you wrote does not respond properly to the question. I hope I was able to explain to you what exactly you have to write about in order to address the prompt in the proper manner. It would be better if you wrote a new essay after properly considering what sort of topic the prompt actually wants you to discuss.

Consider any topic that will prove a sense of maturity, responsibility, or enlightenment. These are the normal response statements to this type of scholarship question. The reviewer wants to be sure that you are a person who is mature enough mentally to undertake such a line of study. This can only be proven by your ability to overcome an obstacle in your life. How to be independent is not really a unique or personal obstacle as everyone undergoes that process in life. Try to find a more personal topic for your discussion that somehow helps the reviewer get to know how you have matured and the extent of your maturity as a young adult.

Writing Feedback / Ielts task 2: people sleep less than before, causes and effects [5]

Osha, the essay prompt is what is known as a direct question. That means, you have to offer your response within the prompt paraphrase. Now, you were able to properly deliver the topic restatement (paraphrase), the response to the first question, but not the second question. That is what left your paragraph short of the 3 sentence paragraph requirement. You did not refer to what effects it has on individuals and society.

Your reasoning paragraphs are under developed. Your second paragraph focused on a clear explanation of the activities that prevent sleeping, but did not convincingly explain how noise pollution contributes to the lack of sleep. This paragraph should have had a better explanation if you had presented it in the following format:

S1 - Topic sentence
S2 - Reasoning example
S3 - Transition sentence to the next related topic
S4 - Reasoning example 2
S5 - Transition sentence to the next paragraph

By doing that, you would have offered a clear supporting statement for the 2 reasons regarding sleep deprivation. Please keep in mind that the maximum sentence requirement for each paragraph is 5, not 6. You did a better presentation of facts in the 2nd reasoning paragraph.

Do not use future tense presentation for present tense situations such as " people will lose their..." The damage has been done. Therefore the phrase should have been "people have lost their..." Use proper time references because that affects your sentence development and presentation in relation to GRA requirements.

The concluding paragraph is alright, but could have been better. The summary conclusion needs one more sentence to complete the presentation.

I noticed that you wrote 315 words, a number that will be hard to achieve during the actual test, even if you use the computer based process. Use a timer when practicing to get a better idea of how many words you can actually write before time runs out for you. Consider the editing requirement before you pass the essay for scoring during this process so you will have a baseline for your next practice essays leading into the actual test.

Scholarship / MASTER OF TESOL - AAS - HOW DID YOU CHOOSE YOUR PROPOSED COURSE AND INSTITUTION? [3]

Novi, there are only 2 questions you have to answer in this essay. Why did you choose each course? Why did you choose each university? Each question has to do with your requirements for continued learning. That means, the second paragraph is completely useless in this discussion. Instead, you should be using 2 paragraphs to discuss the following:

1. Masters course 1 at XXX university
2. Masters course 2 at XXX University.

Name the course and the reasons why you believe that the university you chose can help you based on your previous related educational and work background. You can use up to 2 paragraphs per university, bringing you to a total of 4 paragraphs ( if necessary). Be sure to discuss the differences between the university approaches to the teaching of the course you wish to attend. They cannot have the same criteria, same offerings, and same accomplishments. They only offer the same university course by name, not by approach. It is the approach discussion that matters in this presentation.

Undergraduate / Georgetown Transfer Essay: It's The Simple Things [4]

Justin, there is an error in representation within your first paragraph. A nurse is not allowed to confirm the death of a patient, even if the nurse is in the room. That is the job of the physician on duty or the primary care physician of a patient. You have to alter that presentation to represent the real life scenario you faced.

The part of the second paragraph that deals with the Game of Legends tends to be too repetitive. You say "45 minutes" several times, resulting in reader fatigue. Simply the presentation to just one or two sentences. You may also want to try to connect the game with the death of your mother since that was the launching pad of the whole essay.

Take out the last paragraph in relation to why you chose the university. That is not a required part of the essay and takes away from the opportunity of the reviewer to get to know you without any academic discussion. This is just a freewheeling, what do you want me to know about you discussion. He doesn't need to know why you chose the university at this point. That is going to be the topic of a different essay.

Scholarship / KGSP personal statement essay - management and leadership [4]

Kateryna, the essay is very wordy. It says a lot of things. It informs the reviewer about information. However, it is not information that responds to the discussion requirements. That is why I cannot approve of this essay for your use with your application.

There is a lack of clarity when it comes to your presentation. Are we discussing a total career change here? If so, then why? What was your original career? What motivated you to consider a change? How does the new career relate, if ever, to your previous work experience or college course? I am not clear on the career progression that your academic background or professional experience offers once you complete your chosen course?

What is your educational background? What accomplishments did you have a student that might indicate you can complete the course? Your research background is not even referenced in this essay. That is a point that needs to be highlighted as a masters course student is required to complete a tremendous amount of research work to complete the course. By the way, the reviewer requires your professional background, not part time work experience. Change that information to add the regular (related) work experience to help the essay come closer to the prompt requirements.

Your reason for studying in Korea is uniform. That means, it is a reason cited by every student applying for this course. That has to be unique and something personal to you. It should tie in with the motivation to study this masters course in Korea. The strength of your essay though, lies in the fact that you are studying Korean and are planning on taking the TOPIK test. Build on that. Explain how your interest in Korea developed basing it on your opinion about the closely knit educational system in Korea. These can be the supporting factors for your motivation and reasons for study. Clarify your essay based on the prompt requirements. Right now, it just leaves the reader wondering about what all of this information means in relation to the prompt requirements.

The reviewer does not need a long, wordy essay. He needs an essay focused on delivering the discussion information as provided to you in the application form. Stay on track with the discussion and make sure you clearly state all the information. The reviewer doesn't have the time to analyze your meaning or intent through all of the information you are presenting.

Scholarship / Aerospace Engineering - GKS Personal Statement [3]

Zin, your essay can use some strengthening. Your motivation for studying on Korea and reasons for studying in Korea are all based on what you heard about the experience of other people. There is no strong personal desire to pursue a Korean education because of your desire to be trained under Koreans. That is very obvious in this essay and that is what will make it very weak. Instead, you are applying to Korea based on a desire to have a "Korean lifestyle experience" as your wife and mentor did. These are extremely non-considerable reasons for your application which will further weaken your chances.

You have to be specific about any international conferences you attended, mention the publication dates and journals of your research articles, and explain what these were all about. How your participated in it and why this is notable as a part of your application. Your undergraduate projects are too little explained to be consider as a part of your educational background asset. There is also no reference to professional experiences, which are one of the main considerations for any GKS applicant.

Overall, I do not see this as an essay that will make it past the screening phase because of the total weakness of referenced information. You must write this essay from the point of view of someone who has a strong personal desire to study in Korea, mentioning the influence of your wife and mentor as little as possible because they are not the applicants for the scholarship. Try to convince the reader that you have personal non-influenced decisions for wishing to study in Korea.

Undergraduate / Personal Statement - Transition to the Interior Design of University of Cincinnati [3]

Thuy, the first paragraph is out of place in the presentation. You cannot claim "childhood" for this type of essay because a child does not have any analytical ability that could be considered a clear indication of your potential as an interior designer. You are over reaching. That paragraph is also coming across like a research paper because you describe too many country specific interior designs. Which have nothing to do with your "childhood" claim. Don't use that paragraph. Use the second paragraph to kick off your essay instead. That shows an adult mindset that uses a general reference to design, which is what you will be learning more about at the university.

Separate the discussion about why you chose to transition to Interior Design. First discuss what drew you to your original course major then what occurred that made you decide to change courses. What was it about the courses in interior design at this university that told you this was the right decision to make? What factors influenced this choice? Right now, the section relating to this is not really clear in this essay. All the other discussion points you have are irrelevant to the actual prompt. Remove all discussions that do not relate to your decision to transfer to this new major. Create an essay that mostly discusses your previous major in relation to the shift and how the university offerings differ which is why you decided to change universities and courses. Your last paragraph can remain as is, where is. No need to change it. It allows the essay to close on a strong note.

Scholarship / GKS statement of purpose 2019 future plan for Korean studies [2]

Yura, you are too spend 2 years of your professional life after graduation working in Korea as payback for the scholarship so you have to apply your post study plans with that requirement. Try to have more definitive plans for your professional career during this time. The presentation you are making lacks in impressiveness. You are not wowing the reviewer with your ambition and drive to succeed in a foreign land. Show more interest in your professional career by developing a longer and more planned discussion of your during the 2 years that you will be honing your skills in the Korean professional setting.

Don't tell the reviewer what you want to happen use terms that do not show uncertainty in your statements. Say that you will work at the Kazhakstan company. When you say "want" that means you may or may not pursue that angle. The reviewer needs a clear post study career path from you. Give it to him. Expand the discussion by saying you will work there before launching your own company. Impress the reviewer as best as you can work your plans. That's the name of the game.

Writing Feedback / Topic: Life in the city. "150-200 words" [4]

Quynh, you have written 230 words, which puts the essay right in the middle of the word requirement. Good job. That will certainly help you with your writing exercises. The more you write, the better you will get. However, you made several errors in the essay ranging from spelling to grammar and vocabulary choice. Let's asses where the mistakes were made and how to correct them.

With regards to your writing skills, I am not sure if you are doing a written or typewritten exercise. The electronic submission you created showed that you sometimes forgot to his the space bar between words and after a period. This creates a problem when reading your work as the lack of spacing makes it difficult to decipher the word at first glance. Always remember to hit the space bar after every word and punctuation mark for clarity purposes. You should also learn to recognize when to use a comma to place a pause between related sentences. In this essay, you created long sentences that needed to be separate either by a period or a comma. You also did the opposite in some instances and used commas instead of periods, which formed run-on sentences for the reader. Avoid combining two or more ideas in one sentence as it takes away from the clarity of your writing.

When you use contractions, remember to use the apostrophe to connect the two cut words to create a new word such as "do not" = "don't". This was an error you made a few times in this essay as well. If you are writing academically, it would be better to use both words rather than the contraction fro formality sake.

The letter I is always capitalized as it refers to a first person pronoun. Most of the other problems with your presentation relate to your spelling. I guess you were just a bit careless which is why "modern" was spelled as "modenr" in this presentation.

Overall, the work shows that you have the potential to become a fluid English writer. You just need more practice and you have to learn about the advanced English writing rules to help boost the quality of your work. Good job.

Undergraduate / SOP:Texas A&M is unique to me - it has one of the most respected meteorology programs in the country [2]

Ian, these are great personal reasons but it doesn't show you developing your passion beyond watching the weather channel. As the personal statement allows you to develop an explanation as to how your interest and foundational abilities in this course developed, I was hoping to read more along those lines in this essay. After all, you took time off to try other things before settling on this course for college. Tell the reader about the academic goals that led to your decision so that the professional goal you presented at the end of the essay makes more sense. If there was such a strong personal connection, why then did you think you could study and complete a different course? The personal reasons are dramatic but not convincing enough. Work on developing it further to improve the presentation. What's the connection of your mother's illness to the overall consideration? You failed to develop that statement in relation to the paragraph topic.

Graduate / GKS 2019 personal statement, Culture and Tourism Contents [3]

Samara, it isn't about what you want to tell the reviewer, it's about what the reviewer needs to know from you. Based on this essay, it appears you disregarded the discussion topics as required. This is an over discussed essay that combines your personal discussion choices with the official discussion topics. You cannot keep all of the information. The essay runs too long and goes off track discussion wise. It will irritate the person screening your application which is a bad thing to have happen to your essay. It won't get past the screening round.

Go back to the original prompt topics and take from this essay the parts that actually respond to the list of discussion topics. Redevelop the essay. Choose wisely. You only have an A4 size paper to write on. Anything relating to popular Korean culture, but not you masters course or the development of the interest should be taken out. You aren't applying for a tourist visa, your trying to get into graduate school. So the focus must be academic at all times.

Stick to your undergraduate course for your academic reason to study in Korea. Show a strong post undergraduate professional career that can support a reason to study in Korea. This essay isn't really totally usable because of the missing discussion points and irrelevant topics. It would be better for you to review the discussion listing then write a tighter essay based on the list of required topics, leaving personal fascination at the door. If the topic you want to discuss doesn't appear in the list, don't present it. The essay should present required discussion points only. Try to prove you have research experience towards the end of the essay if you can. Do not use this essay in this form. It will not win you a scholarship slot.

Scholarship / International education - My Gilman Scholarship Project Proposal [2]

Sun, the only problem with your proposal is that it isn't anchored to a student group on campus. The aim of this project is to promote the scholarship within your student community. While the social media idea is a good presentation, the reviewer can also see how unrealistic the proposal is. You will not be able to accomplish everything you set out to do alone. So, while you partner with the study abroad office, you should also hook up with a student group that will prove your strong community ties.

Remember that you have to stir up excitement on campus, not just online. So you need the community of students to get involved beyond social media. The study abroad office can only do so much. Social media and it's hashtags may not always hit the mark. Public promotion through real time interaction with campus groups, that always works too help promote such scholarships both on and off campus. Think of such promotion types and adjust your content accordingly.

Consider what groups you are a member of on campus and integrate the promotion into those activities and groups. You have to prove real time, not just virtual contracts in this essay to strengthen your project proposal.

Undergraduate / Being bold is what I firmly hold onto. NTU Scholarship on my values and beliefs. [2]

Ang, the essay feels choppy when read. The first part about boldness or being bold has a strong written statement but lacks an actual example to highlight how you exercise this belief. Try to pick a memorable time when you exercise boldness and it paid off for you. Add details to the presentation. The same goes for your virtue of perseverance. You discuss where you applied it, but you don't really explain or prove its application in your life through action. Both require strong examples. It would also help if you used or inserted a transition paragraph between the two discussions to help ease the reader into each discussion topic. That would remove the choppy reading pattern that it's currently in this version of your response essay. Don't use the quote from Winston Churchill in the essay. The reviewer will appreciate your own take on that quote in this instance. Specially if you can do it in such a manner that might merge the belief and virtue system into one related presentation.

Writing Feedback / Space exploration - is it necessary to continue this costly project? [2]

Sheetal, it does not seem like you are writing a research paper here. It feels like you are responding to a task 2 IELTS essay. The problem is that you approached it from a more complicated perspective that borders on a research paper. For a task 2 essay, you have to use the 2-3 reasoning paragraphs to discuss the project, con, and personal point of view. Due to the missing prompt requirements, I cannot really tell if you provided all of the relevant information. It feels like the first 2 paragraphs were used as double introductions for the topic instead of as a prompt paraphrase and reasoning discussion. I believe that is why the essay doesn't really discuss the pro and con in a complete manner. In addition to that, there doesn't seem to be a properly formatted concluding summary at the end of the essay. It seems to just keep on continuing the discussion instead of ending it. A proper assessment of your content and presentation cannot be completed without the prompt requirements. Please remember to provide it next time so you can get a more detailed assessment of your work. Thanks.

Letters / A presentation in your large company [4]

Shonty, the instruction is asking you to write a letter to a colleague, singular form meaning one office-mate. Colleagues with an S at the end indicates the plural form. You should not be addressing this letter to teammates, which indicates a plural form. It should only be addressed to a teammate, singular form. Your opening salutation will immediately result in points deductions. You keep on addressing a team in this letter, when the presentation clearly indicates a singular form throughout as highlighted by the following letter background:

You are planning to give a presentation in your large company.

You is a singular form. There is no team making the presentation, only one person. That mistake could automatically cause you to earn a failing score for this part of the test since you obviously have a problem discerning singular - plural forms for everyday, common English words. Add to that your carelessness in spelling words such as "research" and "consolidate" and you have a failing score waiting to happen. The overall letter presentation is wrong because it does not follow the proper presentation requirements as indicated in the prompt.

Scholarship / Personal Statement for KGS 2019 - Italian Candidate [2]

Vix, there are a few areas for improvement in your essay. The most important of which is that you have already chosen a university to apply to. That tells me that you are applying using the university track right? As such, you must focus your essay, when it comes to the reasons why you want to study in Korea, on the basis of your university choice. It is important to create a continuing education relationship of sorts between your undergraduate and post graduate studies. This is done by explaining some commonalities between your undergraduate major and specifics of your masters course. That makes the choice of university and the decision to apply via university track clearer to the reviewer.

Try to strengthen your thesis discussion. Don't just say you wrote a related thesis, explain what the thesis was all about. Highlight the notable research that you did to complete the thesis. The university will have to consider your research skills along with your practical skills in this instance. Therefore both topics must be highlighted in the essay. Remember, you are applying via embassy track so the screener / reviewer will take note of this part of your application.

I do not really see any academic discussion in your essay with regards to your undergraduate course. You have to discuss your undergraduate history in the essay, making mention of any notable achievements or GPA during this time period. While your professional experience is admirable, your academic foundation needs to prove that you are prepared for the theoretical challenges that a masters course demands. This essay is weak in that aspect as it doesn't represent your educational background at all.

The essay is a good draft but requires more work. It has the potential to be a notable submission only after you have plugged all of the holes that the essay currently has. Once you revise the essay, it should be in a better position to suit your application needs.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: MEN AND WOMEN'S JOBS ACCORDING TO THEIR QUALITIES [3]

Try to avoid presenting over-used expressions such as "more and more" in the presentation. These memorized phrases tend to lower your score because the examiner knows that you are not really trying to form more complex sentences or highlight your English vocabulary. You are sticking to the safe side by using terms that you learned in class. Try to vary your presentation by using less common vocabulary to increase your LR score.

I cannot comment on the content of your essay presentation and its relation to the prompt requirements because you did not provide the original discussion presentation along with your essay. To get a complete review of your work, we require the presentation of the full discussion requirements as per the original instructions. For now, I will only comment on the most obvious problems with your work, regardless of the discussion requirements.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: IS ART AN USEFUL SUBJECT TO STUDY? [3]

@october24 I think you forgot that there are English words that are pronounced the same, but are spelled differently and mean different things In your essay you used the word complement when it should have been compliment. The official explanation regarding the difference is as follows:

Complement and compliment, which are pronounced alike and originally shared some meanings, have become separate words with entirely different meanings. As a noun, complement means "something that completes or makes perfect": As a verb, complement means "to complete"; The verb compliment means "to pay a compliment to".

As you can see, the word sound can be a tricky thing to deal with. Just because it sounds the same, doesn't mean it was spelled the same. You need to be familiar with the difference regarding same sounding words.

The main problem with your essay though, is that you did not properly paraphrase the discussion instructions, which led to a prompt deviation in your presentation. Let's illustrate the differences below:

Original prompt: Discuss both sides and give your opinion.
Restatement: This essay will discuss why learning art is beneficial for children.

By changing the discussion instruction, you have essentially failed the test. You have proven that you do not understand the English language enough to follow simple instructions. However, your actual discussion does follow the original instructions to a certain extent. Therefore, you will lose points in the TA section for the inaccuracy of your restatement. This is the major scoring consideration for the essay so you may end up with a lower score than you would have if you had properly paraphrased the discussion instruction in the first paragraph.