Writing Feedback / IELTS 2- Language study / online courses offered by universities [4]

@mnhc
Hi there!

First and foremost, I think that your essay was substantiated nicely. I only wish that you would be cautious of the formatting/structure because it can be quite off-putting and baffling at times. When you feel as though you can omit words, omit them. When you feel as though your sentences are too weighed down by thoughts, try to restructure them in a manner that would allow you to have more grasp over what you want to relay. Remember that clarity is crucial when you are writing.

In addition, always use appropriate terms when you are writing.

Let's revise a few portions of your essay, alright?

It is true that using online platforms has emerged as a popular platform for universities. Although there are drawbacks, I argue that it has more benefits.

The main downside of the trend is its lack of direct interaction. [...]

Always try to make sure that your sentences are optimized in that you do not mention/include irrelevant lines - and that you try your best to capitalize on the space you have through including more necessary details for added depth.

Keep these in mind. Best of luck in your writing!

Writing Feedback / The statistics of tourists to Scotland who visited went to the various attractions [4]

@Thulai1304
Hi there!

Is it alright if you provide the line graph to assist me in providing a feedback?

In line with that, I recommend optimizing your essay. When creating technical observations, try to utilize your space more effectively through (1) evading repetitive interpretations of the text and (2) making more substantive lines through omitting lines you do not necessarily need.

Watch out for your preposition, punctuation, structure, and flow of the sentences.

Let's revise a few portions of your essays in accordance.

The line graph illustrates the data on the number of visitors who visited the Aquarium, the Castle, Zoo, and the Festival in Edinburgh in a span of 3 decades from 1980 to 2010.

Overall, the rate of visitors to the Zoo and the castle experienced an upward trend, whereas the same figures declined for others.

[...]

Try to create more context/categorization in your content.

Best of luck!

Essays / Examine the significance of football in Brazil as an expression of popular and physical culture. [2]

@awesomecxy
Hi there!

Thanks for reaching out.

I think that it's interesting how the topic has such broad thematic undertones. This will give you leverage and enable you to have more more space to experiment on the style itself.

Now, having suggest that, I suggest trying to follow a method when you are drafting an initial outline (deductive/inductive, depending on what makes you comfortable). While writing immediately everything is alright, having an outline in place will help you navigate through expounding and substantiating as you are writing in a different language than your native tongue.

That being said, I recommend that you can try beginning your essay with a historical-sociological account on the importance of sports in building communities. Talk first and foremost about how this establishes a sense of culture for people. Talk about the value of community-building, especially when in reference to particular cultures that value this over independent work. Once you do this, you'll be able to have more handle over the situation.

Afterwards, I suggest trying to contextualize it more to the situation in Brazil. Discuss the historical context of when the sport began sparking interest in the country (what/who introduced it, when did it start gaining popularity) and then proceed to discussing different fields (commercialism, cultural values) that it affects in status quo.

Having this flow will definitely help you have more of a definitive outline that'll help you in writing.

Best of luck!

Scholarship / Personal statement for PTDF masters scholarship at the University of Maiduguri [2]

@Gboy88
Watch out for your capitalization. It is imperative to have this consistent to ensure that your language would be formal and academic. Remember that when you are writing scholarship letters, these small details are crucial to showcase that you are truly capable of research. This is important, especially because you are applying for higher levels of study.

Now, having said that, I think that your essay should also focus more on having more substantiated depth. Remember that writing is not just about showing that your background is in line with whatever you are proposing - rather, you should also show that you are interested in the program that you are applying for. What you can do is expound more in detail things that excite you about the curriculum, the academic environment of the school, and the general long-run benefits that you would reap from partaking in this program. If you showcase enthusiasm in writing, they will show interest in your application as well.

Keeping all of these in mind, I suggest the following revisions:

I'm a graduate in a geological program with intent to study at the University of Maiduguri under the Masters in Science in Petroleum Geology. I have taken a keen interest in sedimentary petrology and fomation evaluation from my undergraduate. My interest emerged when I was accomplishing my final year, doing tasks related to micofossils analysis of the mudstone member of the gombe formation. My in-depth research experience caused me to read on topics related to new areas of paleontology and the environment of deposition of sediments to broaden my knowledge on the topic. After achieving top-notch grades and exceling in my dissertation, I want to build on what I had started through this program.

[...]

Notice how instead of taking shortcut routes, I attempted to curate a more formal language approach as this is what is appropriate when you are writing scholarship letters. In addition to this, try to not be repetitive when it comes to details. For instance, there is no need for you to make mention that you had studied geology in your undergraduate five times in a single paragraph as it becomes irrelevant after the third time. Instead, create more depth through expounding on what you had experienced and building from then on.

Keep these in mind as you are writing. Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / Personality and High Grades - What is the most important thing to succeed in life? [2]

@Krystal318
Hi there!

Let's divide this response into two portions: technicalities and content-wise.

In terms of the technicalities of your writing, I do not see anything alarmingly concerning. I think that your grasp of writing is beautiful. I would only suggest that you try to create more concise sentences. This will optimize the space you have for your essay - and in situations wherein you are working well within word counts, this is an essential trait because you need to be able to curate your thoughts and create depth with limitations of how much you can put into your writing. If this was not a concern, I do not see any reason for you to adjust your writing style.

Nonetheless, looking at your essay, I could revise the following lines from the second paragraph as:

On the one hand, there are numerous reasons for children failing school. [...] Studying in school means children need to learn all the subjects while excelling in them; it is impossible to find an individual who enjoys all the subjects. Consequently, being that everyone's born unique, we all have various strengths. [...]

Be cautious when you are writing to avoid small mistakes.

In terms of content, your writing is sufficient and well-played. I have noticed that you were able to create more depth in your writing relatively better than how others would. I would only recommend that you try to free up space in your second paragraph to create more valued sentences in your third paragraph. You had great thoughts about how personality traits play a role in gauging an individual's success; it would be great if you could expound on this further.

Best of luck!

Letters / Research Career - Motivation letter for Summer school of Science [2]

@hieungtrung
Your sentences can be quite baffling at times because of the inappropriate usage of certain words, lack of proper placement in terms of content, and the misuse of punctuation, preposition, and related bodies of grammar. I suggest revisiting these areas to sharpen your writing skills further.

Watch out for the forms of your words/verbs. Consistency is crucial when you are building your writing.

Having said that, let's revise a few portions of your text.

The sciences have constantly interested me. [...] Studying business in my undergraduate taught me methods of approaching the field: customer service, supply chains, total quality checks, and other management-related tasks.

My passion, nonetheless, was for economics. After taking up Microeconomics, I was deeply immersed in the complex field of the sciences of scarcity. The economic question of how to develop the country equitably truly interested me. [...]

Notice how I had tried to integrate altogether various thoughts that you had. In addition to that, I also tried my best to ensure that I do not create repetitive lines - and instead, as I move along writing, I try to create more depth and substance in the process of writing to ensure that I am fluid.

Keep these in mind as you are revising. Best of luck in your research endeavors!

Writing Feedback / The graph below shows the number of books read by men and women at Burnaby Public Library from 2011 [3]

@huynhtien2407
Create more concise sentences. Structure is crucial when you are writing - remember this. Ensure that your structure is consistent - and that it uses appropriate terminologies to create detail. Additionally, it is also crucial that you would omit words that are unnecessary to building your content. Remember that to ensure that your technical angle in writing is well-assured, you should be able to use techniques to trim down your writing.

In addition, always make sure that you follow formal/academic writing standards when you are interpreting said information.

Let's revise a few portions of your essay in accordance.

The line graph illustrates the number of books read at Burnaby Public Library from 2011 to 2014.

Overall, it is clear that within the three-year period the number of books read has increased. While the proportion of books read by men has risen, the number for women has steadily fallen.

From 2011 to 2011, there was a slight growth in the number of books men read from 3000 to approximately 4000. This then significantly rose to 10 000 books in 2013. [...]

Try to not overwhelm your paragraphs with information as you go along. Trying to separate and categorize your data into specific portions would go a long way.

Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2- schools' or parents' responsibility to teach children be healthy. [3]

@buzzlin
Hi!

Let's look through your essay.

1. Your sentence structure is quite off at times. I suggest trying to create more dynamics through curating both short form and lengthy sentences to have more of an organic flow. Once you do this, your essay will have increased effectiveness in relaying information.

2. Watch out for your usage of preposition, punctuation, and other technical portions of the language. Review these concepts for the betterment of your writing.

3. Synonymous terms go a long way. When you use these terms, you'll be able to curate sentences that have more functionality to them because you aren't being repetitive.

Taking these into account, let's revise a few portions of your essay.

Care for one's health involves many factors like food and exercises; people should have knowledge on its maintenance from childhood. While others agree that parents shoulder the responsibility, schools also are useful in teaching said knowledge. I believe that parents contribute most to children's understanding of health, whereas schools are ineffective as they cannot take care of children after class hours.

[...]

Notice how I tried my best to integrate different methods of transitioning between sentences to ensure that I have dynamism in writing. In addition, I also recommend that you try to package your ideas in a lighter manner. While lengthy sentences are superficially beautiful, they are not necessarily effect at all times. Balancing your writing techniques is crucial.

Best of luck in your writing!

Writing Feedback / Forested land in six continents over the world throughout a 15-year period [3]

@ltdung0612

Hi there!

I have a couple of notes for you to ponder on.

In terms of content, I recommend creating more concise sentences through omitting portions that are unnecessary in developing your thoughts. In addition to this, evade spreading your arguments/analysis to thin (wherein you keep writing a sentence despite repetitive mentions of a specific concept - or despite the fact that you could have added a different approach to building your perspective).

In order to avoid being confusing in curating your analysis, also try to evade using sentences that are quite baffling.

When you have alternative words that can relay the same information but in a more specific/technical manner, always opt to use them.

Be cautious of your preposition, punctuation, and (the consistency of) the forms of the verbs.

Having said that, let's revise.

The table provides information on forested land covering six continents within a fifteen-year period. Overall, Europe owns the largest forest area, whereas Oceania owns the least.

Europe has consistently expanded their forest area from 989 million hectares in 1990 to 1001 hectares in 2005. Conversely, Oceania ranked last with 197 million hectares from a mere 199 million hectares within the same period; this is one-tenth of Europe's total.

[...]

Notice how I had removed most of the irrelevant phrases and focused primarily on content that should be developed.

Remember that depth is crucial in these forms of essay.

Best of luck in your writing endeavors!

Writing Feedback / Students study in group is better than them to study alone [3]

@Trinh Duy Hung
Hi there!

Be cautious of the construction of your sentences because the forms of the verbs that you use can be quite off-putting at times.

In addition to this, be wary of putting together synonymous terms in a single line of thought. When you do this, you drag your sentences thin - instead of, for instance, developing more depth to the content that you have.

Watch out also for how you construct your sentences. You have a tendency to have baffling content that are unclear of what you truly mean. This can happen when you stretch out the meaning of your sentences to cover up for the word count. Instead, always try to focus on depth rather than the length.

Consistency in forms of the verbs/words is also key.

Let's revise a few portions of your essay accordingly.

Studying in groups or individually both reap benefits for the learners. While there are perspectives to consider, I strongly believe that communal studying is preferred.*

On the one hand, our current generation has a preference for self-studying because of its advantages. Learning without a partner boosts one's concentration on the task. When you have time alone to revise exams, read books, and learn poetry, you do not have distractions roaming around.

[...]

*Notice how instead of mentioning twice that you will be studying in groups, I had instead mentioned that it's a communal form of studying. This is a synonymous terminology; therefore you evade being repetitive while still maintaining the general thought that you have.

Keep these in mind as you are revising and rereading. Best of luck as always in your studies!

Writing Feedback / Ielts Essay task 2 - young children play video games - problems and solutions [4]

@suruku
Hi there!

First and foremost, try to optimize the space you have in your essay through omitting lines that are quite unnecessary to the depth of your content. What this means is that when you have synonymous or/and meaningless words crammed in between your sentences (that do not contribute to the structure), opt to remove them.

Furthermore, I recommend that you try to be consistent when it comes to usage of various forms for your essay. I have noticed that your content often has oddly-constructed structures. When writing academically, making sure that you have a consistent flow is crucial because you want your text to be as formal as possible.

Eliminate synonymous/repetitive words because there's no use in having these around.

Having said that, let's revise a few parts of your essay.

Video games are entertaining, pleasurable, and beneficial for young people in numerous ways. However, they also pose a threat to children's health. This essay will discuss this perspective.

Notice how you can basically omit the lines as they push boundaries and get more and more involved in games because these are mere repetitions that do not really add depth to your content.

In addition to this, notice also how I will revise these lines:

There are evidences suggesting that individuals who spend large amounts of time in front of the screen have health concerns. Indulging in games for prolonged periods of time hinder them from participating in outdoor activities and can result to engaging in unhealthy eating habits. This increases possibility of accumulating diseases like malnutrition, myopia, skin disorders, strain injuries, depression, fatigue, and plausible death.

[...]

Try to always create concise content over hefty sentences that drag on. Keep these in mind as you are writing at all times.

Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / IETLS Task 2_ Pollution and environment damage result from developing and making the country richer. [2]

@AnhVu

Try to omit unnecessary words that do not contribute anything substantial to your essay. Instead, try a straightforward approach to writing. This does not entirely mean that you should not use complex sentences; rather, this means that you should focus on creating simpler structures that have more depth. In addition to this, I would also suggest that you try to avoid being repetitive with your usage of terms.

Let's try to implement this to your writing.

I would revise your introductory paragraph as:

Environmental issues are global concerns. Economic development has resulted to pollution and degradation. I believe that these concerns stem from individuals and the governments.

[...]

Notice how there was no need to make mention twice that they are environmental issues - and instead, I had elaborated on this concept through introducing more specific concepts like pollution (retained from your original paragraph) and degradation (synonymous term but more indicative of a rapid trend). At the same time, using more technical terminologies such as economic development instead of mentioning lengthy phrases like process of growing into a richer country is also beneficial for you.

Be concise about these terminologies - and experiment more with content. Best of luck!

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for applying to German University in Master of Data Science [2]

@guiaria
Hi there! Let's work through your essay.

First and foremost, I'm going to put down a few notes to be mindful of when you are writing.

When speaking writing technicalities, it is crucial that you try not to overburden your sentences. When you are trying to extend your thoughts in more specific details, you have to ensure that you are relaying the information as clear as possible. The only way to do this is to construct simpler sentences that are intact in terms of what information they wish to relay. Remember that short and sweet is what's important. In addition to this, bear in mind that formal language has to be implemented as you are writing.

For instance, taking a look at your first paragraph, try the following revisions:

The demand for data science has seen an upscale trend. The growth of new technology has witnessed the need for more programs on digitized decision-making. Since my undergraduate studies, my interest in the field has grown.* I finished my bachelor's at xxx in computer engineering; I have explored the wider range of computer science including networking, software engineering, parallel programming, data analysis, and big data.** [...]

*Notice how I had created a more concise sentence through omitting lines that are unnecessary. This includes, for example, removing the part where you made mention of data science because you had already introduced this earlier in the paragraph.

**Be consistent with your usage of terms/words. The form is crucial when you are writing.

In terms of content, I would recommend extending and developing your writing into your long-term plans. Personal statements require that you showcase that your professional and academic goals are in line with the said program. Having said that, while you were able to give a brief idea of what you want to do with the degree, going into detail as to how you would be able to integrate these sets of knowledge into the working blocks of your profession would be beneficial for your application.

Keep us updated. Best of luck to your writing!

Writing Feedback / Olympic Foods - My GMAT Analytical Writing Practice [2]

@PIYOPIYO
First and foremost, I recommend revising portions that have unnecessary wordings in them. These parts are not supposed to be welcomed as you need to have more intent as you are writing. When you curate sentences, try to always practice formal writing. Reread, revise, and ensure that you do not leave any hanging threads.

In addition to this, the structure of your sentences is crucial when writing. Keep these in mind at all times; ensure that you do not have oddly constructed phrases that do not have any directed portion to your essay.

Having complex words is not tantamount to having depth in your writing. Depth is all about developing your thoughts into more specific content to create direction in relaying what you want to showcase.

Keeping these in mind, let's revise a few portions of your essay.

The argument that Olympic Foods would have success in reducing the cost...* Predicting growth in margins is more complex than this.**

[...]

*In this sentence, there is no need to mention that it's to improve the margin and reduce cost as you have already previously mentioned that these were parts of the goals that you need to accomplish.

**Evade having repetitive thoughts in your essay. Always try to develop new ideas as you move along. Using synonymous terms can help you in this process. Nonetheless, I would suggest that you try improving your standing.

Best of luck in your writing!

Letters / Study Plan for studying abroad but Im not good at writing! Need some help ! [2]

@Jason Nguyen
Don't get overwhelmed; let's take this step by step.

First and foremost, I think it's great that you're starting off with an introduction of yourself. I would only suggest that you attempt to make this portion concise. While this is necessary for them to get to know you as an individual, it also leaves little space for you to discuss more of your academic goals. Remember that when you are writing for study plans, your aim is to showcase to them that you would be a fruitful and productive member of their academic community. You should do this through showing off your best angles and ensuring that they are aware of your in-depth interest in their university.

Having said that, I would omit certain portions of your third paragraph because it appeared to be a block of text. It is wise to evade having these lengthy paragraphs because it can be exhausting on the evaluators' eyes. Instead, opt for short and sweet relaying of your background information.

For instance, is it really necessary for you for you to explain the entire trajectory/history of your career with your family's company? While this may be important to you as an individual because of your personal affiliation with the story, it's not quite vital if you seek to discuss your educational goals in the future. Learn to prioritize what you are going to say.

Additionally, it would also be wise if you could add more specific details as to the rationale of why you have chosen this country specifically. What attracts you to Canada? What attracts you to this university? What attracts you to the curriculum? You need to be able to link these concepts altogether to ensure that you have control over the direction of your thoughts in the essay.

If you seek to explain how this path will help you in the long-run, expound this in more detail.

Keep these in mind. Best of luck as always! You can do it.

Writing Feedback / The extinction of particular species of animals and plants lead to the main problem of environment [3]

@pro123
Watch out for the forms of the words that you use. You had a tendency to misuse certain terminologies. In addition to this, I also suggest that you look over the structure of your sentences because you have a tendency to create overbearing content that have informal qualities. When doing academic writing (especially in English language tests), it is crucial that you keep these in mind as you are writing.

Let's revise a few parts of your essay.

A commonly cited environmental concern is extinction. While this is crucial, I believe that there are other more important issues that need to be tackled. The essay will discuss both perspectives.

[...]

Notice how this formatting is more formal/academic because it does not leave out information hanging. Instead, it attempts to merge altogether the thoughts that you have while still trying to be as concise as possible. In addition, it is also crucial that you keep in mind how to integrate your ideas without dragging the sentence. In terms of length, while this revised version does not necessarily fall under the typical four to six structure, it is still comprised of a thesis statement and a concluding remark that are both important when it comes to creating formal content.

Keep these in mind as you are revising and typing. Best of luck!

Scholarship / I write this part to send to a global volunteer program, help me on grammar and word choice. [2]

@vo thi tam
Your mistakes were primarily due to technical/grammatical issues you had while writing. This includes details including but not limited to punctuation, placement of phrases, structure, and usage of relative pronouns. To know how to create more appropriate content, try to review the underlying terminologies behind these in order to evade potential issues.

In addition to these, I also suggest that you try to use lines that are more academically correct. What this means is try to evade hanging thoughts/sentences that do not have formal structures because it's quite necessary for you to be stringent in these measures when writing essays.

Let's revise a few portions of your essays in accordance to these.

Location: Da Nang Center, a support center for Agent Orange victims, located in Hoa Nhon Commune, Hoa Vang District, Da Nang City, Vietnam.

Time: Once a month from the 31st of August 2018

Job Description: We collect clothes, bags, books, teddy bears, and other belongings from friends, family members, and neighbors to bring to the center. Most people in the area are victims of the Vietnamese-American War. There are also orphans and children from impoverished families whose parents can no longer provide for them. We have accumulated a total of over 10 million Vietnamese Dong (roughly $500 USD) for the fundraising campaign. These donations are allocated to school supplies for consistent educational support.

[...]

Try to observe how I implemented the techniques in this essay. Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / To improve road safety, it is not enough to punish more harshly those who violate the law [3]

@vietable
Let's look at your essay technically and in terms of content to fully assess it.

First and foremost, I would be wary of your usage of relative pronouns. When you cannot structure these items properly, it can affect the overall output that you have in your essay. What I would suggest is always trying to reread your sentences out loud so that you may be able to tell which portions come off as unnatural.

In addition to this, I suggest being more cautious when it comes to constructing your sentences. Once you have gotten this out of the way, you'll be able to create more concise structures that will let you optimize the space that you have in your essay.

Giving out generalized terminologies before proceeding to the technical/specifics will also help you create a more dynamic/deductive outline. Establishing your content like this will help you have more of a flow for your essay that is more reasonable.

Let's revise a few portions of the essay in accordance to these guidelines.

Stricter punishments are necessary to reduce the danger of driving offenses. However, I strongly disagree that this is the only way to improve road safety because of other alternatives.[...]

Notice how I had tried to evade using repetitive terminologies. And instead of beating around the bush to expound the thoughts, a more straightforward approach to writing will always be preferred over other means.

In terms of content, I suggest that you try to add more details and specifics. While you have given brief examples, they are not quite as detailed as would be preferred for you to truly expound on your thoughts and opinions on the topic given to you. It's insufficient for you to explain the scenario - instead, try to allocate space in actually discussing ideas through concrete experiences.

Keep these in mind as you are revising. Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / Students today can easily access information online, so libraries are no longer necessary? [2]

@Brenna Vo
Watch out for the formatting of the structure of your sentences. I have noticed that you have a tendency to add unnecessary phrases that do not contribute anything to your essay's content. What I would suggest is that you try to be more concise in your writing through having more straightforward structures. Doing this will help you sharpen your writing skills in the long-run.

Let's revise a couple of lines.

The internet has made people prefer reading information online over through books and magazines in libraries. From my perspective, even though there are benefits from the internet, libraries are still superior.. [...]

Notice how I had tried to evade using repetitive terminologies and attempted to trim down the word count as much as possible through removing lines that are unnecessary. I had also tried to integrate more techniques when it comes to moving between sentences/thoughts (ie. placing in the correct punctuation). Doing this will enrich your writing style more.

Keep these in mind as you are writing and revising. Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / Should secondary students learn international news as one of their subjects [5]

@Shaha1511
Try to be cautious of the forms of verbs/words that you are using. Consistency is crucial in academic writing. In relation to this, always try to stick to a certain tone when you are writing. Having an academic/informative tone is important.

When you're writing within a word count, I always recommend being more concise with your words. Doing this will help you trim your word count.

Let's revise a couple parts of your essay accordingly.

Secondary students are proposed to have exposure to international news. I have reservations regarding this due to some reasons.

Students in this level are too young to have a deep and clear understanding about the world. [...]

I recommend changing the arguments following this portion. It is insufficient for you to say that lack of access to up-to-date information would be a reason to have this as a subject matter. Instead, focus more on how this age is a pivotal moment for them to learn more fundamental subjects.

Keep these in mind as you are writing. Best of luck!

Not giving out a specific band, but I believe you're heading towards the right direction. Just keep writing.

Writing Feedback / Should sports and social activities be supported at colleges and universities? - TOEFL [2]

@lelett
Try to avoid repetitive language when you are writing. When you find yourself having excessive sentences, always read over everything and omit as much unnecessary text as you can. This is crucial if you are writing within the means of word counts because you need to be able to nurture your essay's meaning more when you have substantial sentences.

Watch out also for the forms of the verbs/words that you are using. Always make sure that you are consistent with the tenses that you use. If you find yourself inconsistent, try to be cautious next time you are writing.

In addition to these, I also suggest looking over the structure of your sentences. The way that you write can often appear to be dragging rather than explanatory. You should always opt for simpler structures to ensure that the information you want to deliver does not get taken out of context.

Let's revise a few portions of your essay in relation to this.

I agree that sports and social activities should receive equal financial support. Self-development is not just cultivated through studying; socialization and external interests are taken into account. There are several reasons to this.

[...]

Notice how I had used more academically correct terms (self-development instead of saying that they are significant parts of our lives, socialization instead of getting along with peers, etc.) to create more depth and dynamics in writing. Try to implement this technique throughout your essay.

Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / Sifting Multi-task Learning for Fake News Detection [3]

@stayhungry
To avoid overbearing nitpicking, I'll divide my comments into clusters; this will help you trim down how you can potentially improve your writing. In situations wherein the writing has to be in compliance of being technically aligned, it is alright to filter out unnecessary lines to ensure that you are able to showcase your information as clearly as possible.

1. When you're doing academic/technical writing, being straightforward is crucial. This is to avoid misaligned information. It is also wise to evade lines that are too opinionated. These thoughts do not have space in this particular form of essay writing as you are expected to give out factual details only. In addition to this, evade using terms that are merely superficial. (For instance, you can omit the world seriously in the second sentence of your introduction as it does not have substantial meaning in the paragraph.)

2. It is vital that you keep track of using appropriate preposition, punctuation, and grammar. When writing technical content, these small details can impact the overall quality and delivery of your essay.

3. Be cautious of small mistakes in your grammar. (For example, in the second paragraph of the introduction, the second to the last sentence should be: Fake news tend to provoke controversies compared to fake news.)

4. In line with the third point, try to avoid using unnecessary adjectives. (In relation to the sentence I corrected, there is no need for you to mention that it is a tremendous controversy as the word controversy on its own is already indicative of something big).

Keep these in mind next time you are writing. Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / Should people travel to other places to learn about the culture and live there? [3]

@yuxian719
Be wary of the forms of the verbs that you are using. Always make sure that you are using appropriate ones depending on the context/what is called for in the situation. In addition to this, I also recommend that you try to create more concise sentences through omitting lines/terms/phrases that do not substantiate your thoughts. Once you are able to trim down your thoughts into the relevant ones, you'll have more direction in your writing; and you'll be able to construct more in-depth content.

Let's revise a few portions of your essay.

Learning cultures aside from your own is an interesting topic. There are numerous ways to learn whether it's through books, movies, or other digital means. In this essay, I will describe views related to this and a personal take on the statement.

[...] Interestingly, the British Council of Culture published a website in 2015 containing various cultures. This shows the variety and complexity of other living situations that are affected as well by their political and economic standing. These resources pave way for a discussion.

Notice how in the second paragraph, I tried to create more rational and logical linkages between the sentences. Doing this will sharpen your essay's content because you'll be able to transition and have more progression in your thoughts.

Try to apply these as you are writing. Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / The two charts reveals the issue of nutritional value of the two selected meals [2]

@duongduong_tran
When doing technical/analytical writing, always evade using unnecessary terms that prolong the sentence. Remember that your understanding of the graphs is what matters. Doing this will create a more tailor-fit content to your essay, capitalizing on what should be emphasized. You should disregard terms that do not create depth in your analysis.

Let's revise a few portions to show you what this pertains to.

The charts reveal concerns on the nutritional values of medium-baked potatoes and macaronis in percentage. In totality, carbohydrates posses a significant portion - alongside saturated fat and other nutrients that take up smaller portions.

Medium-baked potatoes are composed of 35% carbohydrates, followed with 25% protein. Surprisingly, the third most preferred position belongs to other nutrients and glucose with their figures halve that of carbohydrates. Saturated fats come last with 10%.

The current format you are following with an inductive approach is already appreciated in this interpretation; I suggest keeping it up!

Best of luck in your writing!

Letters / Motivation Letter for PhD Application for project on Climate Control - Business Economics Department [3]

@slidezany837
1. Be wary of excessive/lack of articles that can hinder the essay from having an academic tone. This is essential (especially since you are applying for a PhD and would be assumed to use appropriate tone).

2. When speaking of your experiences, always try to be as detailed as possible. Doing this will sharpen your content to be more engaging for the readers. This will also enable you to create more dynamic sentences.

3. Try to evade being repetitive with terminologies. As much as you can, try to utilize synonymous terms. Not only do these repetitions create unnecessary burden on your essay - but they also do not help create depth to your writing.

4. Try to be more specific when you are writing about your long-term/prospective research plans while undertaking the program. Doing this will let the evaluators see that you are not merely discussing broad topics - instead, it will showcase that you are well-aware of the direction that you wish to partake in in the future.

Having said these comments, let's look through portions of your essay that can be improved through revising.

[...]

My graduate coursework provided me with theoretical knowledge: economic models, methods, theoretical applications, and tools. This was all for holistic sustainable development. The classes enriched my understanding of the actors of sustainability: the government, organizations, and citizens. I had gained insight on common goals for development in various fields: economic, environmental, and social. My coursework examined case studies for management perceptions of various stakeholder influences in different industries - and how these affect the practices that they adapt in their respective fields. [...]

You can trim down your essay through ensuring that you do not add redundant information. Furthermore, allocating appropriate punctuation can also go a long way to ensure that you have a fluid format for your content.

Keep these in mind. Reread and revise your essay accordingly. Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2: TOPIC Education for 18+ years [5]

@Duong Duc Minh
While I think that you have laid out perfectly your details, I think that, in terms of technicalities, there are a few things you should be wary about.

Watch out for the forms of the words that you are using. Use appropriate/relevant preposition and punctuation at all costs because these tiny slip-ups can cause you the entirety of the essay in the long-run.

Try to not be repetitive when you are describing situations. Always ensure that you would continuously reiterate sentences that are unnecessary to your content. When you are substantiating your thoughts, try to evade lines that are just adding baggage without adding information. You should always be contributing something positive/in addition to what you already have. When you find yourself having repetitive thoughts, try to always ponder and ask yourself more questions. This is useful to develop more in-depth writing.

Let's revise a few of portions of your essay.

On the one hand, staying in school until eighteen can bring benefits. Firstly, education helps people have more knowledge about universal concepts. Once they graduate, the degree they hold will also help them into adulthood. This can help eliminate social and economic issues such as unemployment.

Notice how I had tried to remove words that are unnecessary and simply merged together thoughts and concepts that are necessary for your essay's overall content. Doing this will bring more direction to your essay.

Keep these in mind as you are writing. Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1 : The number of new graduates and their employment in the UK from 1992 to 2002. [2]

@ledidan
Watch out for the forms of your words. Ensure that you always use the appropriate ones. Doing this will help your essay tremendously when it comes to looking more put-together.

In addition to this, try to use more relevant transition words as you are writing. This will help your essay become more fluid.

You should try to have more clarity in your writing while still exploring options you have available. Becoming more innovative in your writing goes a long way. What this means is omitting words that are becoming repetitive - and instead opting to use words are quite close to their meaning.

Let's revise a few portions of your essay.

Both the graph and the chart display information about the state of employment of new graduates from 1992 to 2002 in the UK.

The chart compares the percentages of students graduating with a third occupation within the period. While it is clear that there is a decline over the years, professional fields are preferred.

The line graph shows the rate of student graduates in 1992. The graph witnessed a spike after half a decade before experiencing a decline of 180 000 at the end of the period.

[...]

Watch out for the techniques used - and always try to use formal language. Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / Not only older people can be good company leaders - IELTS 2 [2]

@trannhutoan2002
Be wary of using forms that are more appropriate in the structure of your sentences. Always be consistent when it comes to writing. This is applicable in nearly all grammatical and technical aspects of writing - because ensuring that you follow through from the beginning till the end of your essay is key. Try not to create running sentences that do not have formal/functional structures.

In addition to all of this, it would be beneficial if you could also make your sentences more concise. If you have hold over this technique, you'll find that you can cut down on unnecessary words; using this will help you have more depth to your essay.

Let's try to revise a few parts of your essay in accordance to these comments.

On the one hand, younger people are energetic and enthusiastic, making them good leaders. Because most jobs require tolerance for heavily pressured work, the good health conditions of young people can help. Contrastly, the health impediments of older people make it challenging for them to handle stressful situations. Secondly, young people hold more innovative creativity than the elderly. [...]

I suggest that in the succeeding sentences after this portion, you should try to integrate more ideas on why more creative minds are from young people. You can discuss, for instance, how accessibility to modern-day technology ensures that they never run out of ideas. While, on the other hand, adapting to these newfound techniques is generally harder for older people due to their age.

Notice how merging your synonymous thoughts together creates a more dynamic approach to writing. Doing this will make sure that you do not waste space in your essay. Using words such as junior people also is seen as a less academic approach to writing it out - instead, always try to opt for more formal words when you are writing.

Think of these as you are writing. Best of luck!

Graduate / Motivation letter for Application to Experimental Geoscience at The University of Bayreuth [2]

@Odunakintoye
I appreciate the introductory portion of your essay where you made mention of your background. You have sufficiently expounded why you have your extensive experiences mean that you have the necessary knowledge to take your studies further.

I would recommend that you try to integrate more information about your intention in studying. You had one paragraph dedicated to this (third to the last), however it is insufficient in providing a comprehensive outlook on why you should be granted a spot in the university. You should discuss more in-depth as to why you have chosen Germany for your studies. While you have mentioned that they have a more professional and equipped researched center, it would be great if you could be more specific. Having hold of these specific information would give you a great advantage over other people. If you can expound and showcase that you have studied and looked over the syllabus in great detail, it would show a level of dedication to the field that others would not necessarily have.

In addition to this, I think that the portion wherein you mentioned more about your extra-curricular work is irrelevant to the application - or, at the very least, it does not significantly contribute to your essay. What I would recommend is instead allocate this space to other more fruitful means. For instance, you can tackle instead of your potential interests in research (as doing advanced studies is often a sign of commitment to research-oriented work).

Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / The best holiday ever (Say where you went and what you saw, and explain why it was the best holiday) [2]

@HuongT
Be cautious of the forms of the words that you use in your essay. I have noticed that you have a lot of technical, grammatical mistakes sporadically throughout your writing. To evade this, you should try to be wary and aware of when you are writing to ensure that you use appropriate terminologies all throughout.

In addition to this, being more descriptive can also go a long way when you are writing. When you are writing your personal experiences, it would be better if you could use all your senses in expounding on what your emotions were as you were in that moment. Doing this will create a more in-depth feeling for your essay.

Let's revise a couple portions of your essay.

During the new year holiday last year, I was working in Japan. I visited the Japanese pagoda.* [...]

My smartphone did not have access to the internet as I was unable to register in preparation. I searched and saved maps to the destination; I found it easy to locate the pagoda! [...]

*You should try to add more specific details here. What is this pagoda called? In which area of Japan were you staying? How was the pagoda's area different from the area that you were working in? Did these changes and variations come off as interesting to you as a traveler in Japan?

Best of luck! Just remember to always be specific, innovative, and creative when you are delivering experiences - and you'll go a long way.

Writing Feedback / Countres becoming similar / same products - comments and evaluation [2]

@tlyphuong1
Ensure that you have consistency in the forms of words that you use. Doing this will greatly improve your essay's overall structure. Furthermore, evade the usage of complex sentences not unless it is deemed necessary. An organic flow characterized with fluctuations and changes in length would always be beneficial because (1) showcases an innovative approach to writing and (2) helps you omit mistakes to maximize the space you have for your essay.

Let's revise a couple parts of your essay in accordance to the mistakes I have observed.

In the era of globalization and development of technology, variety in the range of products is essential for competitive businesses. Although many find it complicated in delivery and distribution, I believe that accessibility of products to communities helps develop the global economy.

Globalization has made it possible for goods to rapidly spread in the world. Companies can expand their factories to countries and distribute goods more efficiently.* [...]

*When you are faced with sentence structures that can be repetitive, try to use synonymous terms or have a more progressive approach to writing. This will help you in the long-run when it comes to developing your techniques for writing. For instance, you have mentioned distribution a few times already - so it would be better if you could provide an additional insight (ie. more efficient distribution) rather than blandly stating it out.

Keep these in mind. Don't hesitate to ask for more input. Best of luck to your IELTS!

Writing Feedback / Summerize the information from the diagram to describe the production of milk [3]

@yenchauhoang
Next time that you ask for feedback, it would be beneficial if you could also attach the diagram to help give appropriate input on your writing. Nonetheless, here are a couple of key inputs on your writing.

Watch out for your phrasing and usage of preposition and quantifiers. I would suggest using more appropriate ones to ensure that your essay would have more of a flow.

Moreover, I would also recommend that you try to create simpler sentence structures to ensure that you are not leaving behind any vital information (could potentially be lost in translation if you would not be careful of the way you put out your words).

Evade being repetitive as well with the transition words that you use. Doing this will greatly benefit your overall content because (1) you'll save space and (2) optimize the space that you have to ensure that you use this for substantial content.

Let's revise your essay by bits.

The diagram illustrates the process in milk manufacturing in different stages. Both the complexity and variety of its production is observed.

[...] Milking is a crucial step because it affects the quality of the final product. Afterwards, milk extracted is reserved in refrigeration and delivered by a truck to a factory. [...]

Keep these in mind as you are revising! Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: Purposes of films [4]

@greynd
Make concise sentences through merging your thoughts and not needing to create separate lines for them. Doing this will not only give you more space to discuss more substantial content through helping you maximize the space you have, but this will also help you avoid being repetitive in terms of content.

Try to avoid using too many filler words as you are typing. Having too many irrelevant words creates an exaggerated structure that does not have progressive thoughts in it. Having said that, try to always omit words that you do not need. If you can remove a word and feel as though the general meaning of a sentence does not change, then opt to remove it.

Moreover, it is important to know the intent of your essay as you are writing. Create an outline before writing out your thoughts. It is quite obvious sometimes when individuals merely write without thinking about the intent and direction because the outcome has a tendency to be messy and unorganized.

Let's revise a couple parts.

Since the dawn of the entertainment industry, films have been mainstream. These instill valuable lessons on top of providing an avenue for recreational work. While some argue that films should solely be for entertainment, I strongly believe that they should also serve as a moral compass.

Notice how evading repetitive words through using synonymous goes a long way. Using more appropriate, formal (academic) language also goes a long way.

Best of luck as you are revising.

Writing Feedback / Study in the past and present [2]

@Buinganhieu
Try to implement a more academic/informative tone to your essay. Doing this will greatly improve the overall structure of the content because you will be able to have more direction in terms of the flow that you want.

Remember that in all essays that you write, you should write with intention. This means that you should be cautious of small mistakes that may hamper the way that you relay your information.

Moreover, I would also suggest that you try to be flexible when it comes to the data that you input. When you are given a writing task, the interpretation would be heavily reliant on what you feel. Doing this means that you should be more creative with the way that you perceive these tasks to have more innovative ideas in writing.

Let's revise a couple portions of your essay in accordance to this.

In the past, the absence of modern technology made it difficult to have ease in studying. Nowadays, this access to technology has made lessons more interesting for students; additionally, this has assisted teachers in more innovative approaches.* [...]

*Notice how I had integrated the first five sentences of your essay and made three out of it. Using this technique of merging your thoughts and conclusions into more structured sentences will enable you to have more hold over the flow of the essay. Furthermore, this will also help you evade potential mistakes.

Remember these as you are writing down your next essay. Best of luck!

Undergraduate / School drum-call - the experiences which help me to grow up [2]

@Jenn12
While I think that the introduction is creative, I also believe that balancing that creativity with being formal is key. You can be descriptive and relay these important events without necessarily losing focus of an overall tone that is appropriate for the entirety of your essay. I would recommend that you try to be wary of this as you are revising.

Be wary of your sentence construction. Try to evade being too complex to avoid potential mistakes. Having simplified organic messages is key to having better overall content. Having said that, I would recommend that you try to integrate techniques to make your content concise and straightforward. While storytelling requires that you become detailed, this should also mean that you know how to pick information that would be necessary to develop your story.

Furthermore, I also recommend that you try to restructure and reorganize your essay. I have noticed that you have a tendency to have cluttered thoughts in your essay.

Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / What causes someone to leave his or her country to look for opportunities in a different place. [3]

@viho0970
Watch out for phrasing mistakes that can affect the overall quality of your essay. You should try to omit words that do not add value to your sentences/essay. Doing this will heavily help you structure your essay in a way that you are able to optimize the space that you have. Try to also avoid using repetitive thoughts/language - and instead, try opting for a more concise and in-depth approach to writing that will ensure that you have more direction.

Let's revise a couple portions of your essay.

A lot of people believe that moving abroad is equivalent to a shortcut to success. From my perspective, this trend is due to relative expectations of people.

Ambitious and hardworking individuals see moving to a developed country as a way to improve their career prospects. There are beliefs on having a dream job characterized with higher payments and fewer working hours. This can also become a way to learn a second language.* Moreover, this lets people immerse in a new culture for adventurous and eye-opening experiences. [...]

*I suggest revising this portion because unless you can find a direct correlation between learning a second language and moving overseas, it seems sort of lost in the thought profess of this paragraph.

Try to be wary of instances wherein you were unable to relay the full details of your thoughts. Try to be cautious when you are concluding.

Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / Forming a Learning Group - Help me correct this short essay !! [2]

@MokNguyen
Try to be more precise with your sentence construction. What this means is that you should try to be more straightforward when it comes to your utterances. Try to evade language that is vague - or sentences that do not have specific benefits/depth that will contribute to your content's substance. Try to also avoid being repetitive with your thoughts as doing so hinders you from creating more meaning in your essay.

Let's try to revise a couple of parts in accordance to this.

In your introductory parts:

Creating a small-scale learning group is easy once these steps are followed.

Finding members comes first. When approaching freshmen, getting in contact and introducing one's self alongside the group's goals come first. This is to find people with the same vision. Actively form the team to avoid long-term issues.

Afterwards, one can choose the space for the group. To maximize the location, it is important to choose a quiet place to avoid distraction. The library is recommended because of its resources.

[...]

Another good technique would be merging together sentences to make sure that you have concise content that would be dedicated to having more structure. This can make your essay more organized when it comes to relaying information.

In addition, looking for appropriate transition words is important. You can obviously evade using common ones (first, second, third, etc.) and instead use a more organic method of moving between your thoughts.

Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / Essay about wiretap authorisations-need your corrections [2]

@Menurulilmi
Watch out for your usage of punctuation, preposition, and appropriate grammar. To ensure that you have the appropriate construction of sentences, always try to start from simpler formats before moving into complex ones. Doing this will improve the content of your essay. Because these types of essay require an informative format, you can focus on creating a straightforward tone to your essay rather than going around with various forms/fillers. Omit these unnecessary lines to have a more academic approach.

Let's try to revise a few portions of your essay. If I were to revise the second paragraph of your essay:

The biggest gap in wiretapping occurred in 20017 with approximately 1 750 authorizations in federal compared to less than the state's 500 count. This is a perceived difference of nearly 2.5%.

In the succeeding sentence, what exactly do you mean by "the most constant authorisations"? You have to be more specific when you are interpreting graphs.

I recommend trying to be more organized when you are curating analytical content. Interpreting data from graphs should always be within a specific pattern. For instance, I would suggest that you try to stick with a timeline. Start from the beginning of the data present - and end at the last year.

Moreover, I suggest adding a concluding line to all of it. You merely described the data present in the graph without providing your own interpretation or input. This will help create more depth.

Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / Seeking early independence from parents - TOEFL [3]

@DK23
1. Transitioning your sentences does not mean that you necessarily need to have repetitive transition words. Instead, opting for an organic transition method (ie. letting it flow as it naturally should) would go a long way.

2. It would be beneficial if you could omit using unnecessary details that are irrelevant to the in-depth understanding of the overall content of the essay. Doing this will create a more straightforward approach to writing that is certainly preferred in the long-run.

3. Try to be more creative with your sentence construction. Consistency is also key to technical writing. If you are consistent with your form, it would benefit your essay because you will have more concentration on delving deep into the thoughts of your essay rather than having to deal with complex structures.

4. Watch out for your capitalization, punctuation, and insertion of filler words.

Let's try to look at your essay in certain points.

If we take into account the second paragraph, I would recommend that you try to revising it (and the others - but with emphasis on this portion) according to these aforementioned comments. It is important that you try to have more hold over substantiated content rather than just filling out the essay with information without having proper organization techniques.

For instance, let's revise this portion as:

Firstly, a main advantage of staying with parents is that they teach children social and cultural values.* When we are with the family, we celebrate festivals and holidays; this lets us learn the importance of familial ties. This also lets us not worry about basic necessities like food, laundries, and groceries. Because there is generally more free time for children, they can concentrate more on studying and working. This will help them become successful. [...]

*It is unnecessary to say that they are good social and cultural values because good is synonymous to values inherently. Learn these techniques to shorten your structures.

Just keep these in mind as you are revising. When you find that you have sentences that can be divided into two different portions, opt to separate to have more structure.

Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / Bigger benefits of learning a new language in primary school instead of waiting until middle school? [2]

@sillyman2000
A couple of notes to consider:
1. Be wary of your sentence construction.
2. When you're mentioning numbers, it is more appropriate to write it out rather than using the numbers themselves.
3. Evade using insignificant/unnecessary words to optimize the space you have for your essay.
4. Instead of giving out general statements, it would be better if you could specialize or create more specific content that is tailor-fit to your essay. Doing this will help you have more structure in your essay.

5. Watch out for complex sentences that do not generate substantial output for your essay.
6. While transition lines are generally acceptable, it would be alright if you can omit them - especially if you prefer having a more organic transition between your sentences.

Let's revise a couple portions of your essay in response/application to/of these notes.

For instance, in your second paragraph:
Exposing children to a new language from age six to ten will help them absorb it. A scientific experiment from Rutger University in New Jersey had proven that the earlier a child learns a second language, the better grasp they would have of it. In addition, the research claimed that multilingual people are more likely to be more intelligent compared to monolingual individuals because of differences in brain structures. Thus, it would be better for children to learn the language sooner.*

*This last concluding paragraph could be revised to display a different summation of the entire content. In here, you merely repeated what you had mentioned in the initial parts of the paragraph. What you may instead do is try to articulate the idea that the development of a child's brain would result to more long-term benefits. Having these details is crucial if you want more depth in your writing.

Keep these in mind as you are rereading and revising. Best of luck!