Writing Feedback / The recorded and forcasted population data and percentage of people aged above 75 years [4]

Hi Rengga, first of all, WELCOME to Essay Forum, I hope, among other writers, you will find this website helpful as well as useful in your future writing practices.

Now, I would like to share a few insights to your analysis.

- recorded and fore casted in the - the older, and the percentage
- of the older generation from
- seen,that 2070 is
- last( you don't have to specify an established idea )

- of the total population
- there areis a fair similar
- forecasted every 5 years, then
- thenthan the prediction before.

- In contrastOn the contrary ,
- much far differentiationdifference from

There you have it Rengga, I hope the corrections help and I wish to see the revision soon.

Writing Feedback / Task 1: Differences coal consumption among four sector in UK from 1975 to 2000 [3]

Hi Mimi, WELCOME to this very reliable source of writing reference, Essay Forum, I hope you find our suggestions, criticisms as well as ideas to be valuable in coming up with an even better essay and in this case, an analysis.

Please find additional help below;

- Coal consumption is divided
-into four sectors in UK the between
- 2000 and it can be seen in the table.
- that the figure for
- In contrastOn the contrary ( contrast - color / contrary - idea ) ,
- services was veryvary from low

- DuringOver 25 years,
- there was a dramatic
- Domestic and industri( I'm not sure what do you mean by this, the idea doesn't seem to add up )
- were fairly similar to coal usage
- washad a higher coal
- consumption tha n domestic.

There you have it Mimi, I tool the first 2 paragraphs, I am hoping that you would follow through with the corrections and as you can see, there's quiet a change in your essay, I hope they are useful in the revision.

Essays / Motivation to get a travel grant to Frankfurt School Of Finance. [8]

Abhishek, I understand that it is hard to come up with an essay of such high importance, however, you can try to do one thing, try to come up with your own draft of the essay with the following guidelines;

- write a brief academic background, this will lay your roots at the beginning of the essay and will be the basis of your succeeding ideas in the essay

- what is the purpose of the travel
- what would be your take away from this grant
- what do you have that will help you stand out from all the other applications on this travel grant

More importantly, should you be given a chance to become part of the travel grant, what will you contribute to the institution and how are you going to execute it.

I hope to see your essay soon and don't worry about polishing it, let your thought flow and we will direct you to the right approach of the letter.

Writing Feedback / Young drivers should complete a safe driving education course before being licensed to drive [7]

Hi Elahe, indeed, IELTS is quiet a stressful test, I must say, whenever a student is writing for IELTS, the tension is just intense, you can never be contented with just a writing, it will be draft after draft after draft, sleepless nights and the agony of waiting for that score, is just an overwhelming experience, but believe me, the result is absolutely mind blowing, IELTS is like a confirmation that YES, you know and believe in the language, I believe that the best evidence is the reality that you are able to write an essay by yourself and had the courage to post it here and accept criticisms in order to get better.

One more thing, it is best to try proof reading your work by yourself too.
This will not only practice you on editing but will also allow you to see the difference in your essay, most of the time, we miss a few links, may it be the punctuation marks, the substitution of the subject and this minor remarks may break your language and go to a different direction. So, be very careful.

As mentioned, you just keep on going write more, read a lot, the essays and other writing articles here on EF are absolutely helpful towards gaining future references in your writing.

Writing Feedback / Young drivers should complete a safe driving education course before being licensed to drive [7]

Hi Elahe, thank you for appreciating our work here on EF, the moment I log in each day on EF, I treat as a work of passion, a work aimed at helping people, students and writers alike and there is no better way of starting a day at work than reading feedbacks from students and receiving words of appreciation is definitely making our day.

Moreover, we encourage you to practice writing more often, as mentioned, this is the only way you can be able to get better if not master the craft itself. I also suggest you read far more than you use to, read English novels, literatures and just any other piece of writing material, so long as they are written in English, watching English movies, helped me too, this increased my vocabulary and you will definitely benefit from it.

Well, I wish to read more of your work posted here on EF and I hope our insights are useful as well as helpful in your future writing references.

Keep writing.

Writing Feedback / Young drivers should complete a safe driving education course before being licensed to drive [7]

Hi Elahe, upon reading your essay, I must say you have quiet a comprehensive writing here.

The fact is, you have made your point on the topic, traffic accidents is indeed a very pressing matter, everywhere, everyday, there's always traffic accident happening on the streets, may it be minor and most of the time its major accidents, lost of lives, of property and the consequences are far massive than expected.

Going back to your essay, you have quiet a good stroke at writing, you know exactly what you want your essay to say and this is a very good writing style. However, as the introduction as well as the other paragraphs are strong, the conclusion did not show the same strength. I suggest revising it, having said that, I offer the alternative conclusion below;

- From the mentioned reasons, the experience in driving, regardless of how long or short does not guarantee the safety on the streets. Nonetheless, education is our best weapon as well as exercising to become law - abiding citizens.

This is it for me right now Elahe, I hope they are useful feedbacks.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2- Avoid the negative effect of the electronic invention [2]

Hi Ester, some additional help from my side.

2nd paragraph
- Nowadays, becomebecoming healthy
- is not hard to pursuitpursue ,
- presentshows how to be
- does not need
- to work on the gym and
- they can also watched( mind the form of your verbs ) it on the webs or on the screen( this phrase is not necessary ) .
- their occupantsown space ,
- and it depends on someone's habits in sport
- gettake advantage from electronic inventions to keep their health.

Last paragraph
- they more pay more attention
- the thingsitting ,
- the more people useadapt to it.
- alongthe whole day
- just for watching it, they rarely move.
- It conclude thatAs a conclusion ,
- it affects negative to people's health
- if they spend much time for unnecessary reason for hours.activities

- It is clear to conclude that the inventions in

There you it Ester, once again, you have the idea for the essay and the best thing that you do, is that, you keep on trying to get better at this craft. Way to go!!!

Writing Feedback / Some think that children should be obedient to the rules and do what the teachers want them to do [5]

Hi Sophie, here's what I have for your essay.

First of all, the length, it is too long for the given prompt that you actually went round and round with the same idea. Indeed, the points you mentioned are aimed at answering the prompt but to elaborate it in a way that it sounds redundant already, don't get me wrong, the details of the essay is very important but only to some extent.

Next, the last point that you have towards the argument is very relevant, however, I suggest that you summarize this with the conclusion paragraph can be regarded as a conclusion and not next to the final idea that you are trying to incorporate in your essay.

Overall, it is a well written essay and a few revision, base on the suggestions here on EF will not hurt, I hope to review more of your work soon.

Writing Feedback / Some people think that men and women have different qualities... [3]

Hi Su, I would like to provide a few feedbacks on your essay.

- the argument you pointed out are reliable and more so, very realistic, this is an essential part of the essay as this will add a character to it. Moreover, this is how your essay is going to relate to the readers, when they read facts, they know that you are not just writing base on opinions, but rather base on facts.

- the essay is quiet long for its purpose, though the prompt is very tempting and will make you write as many ideas you have, please manage to shorten it by summarizing the 2nd paragraph, your example of a soldier is a very wise approach and this is a very good example to make your point, however, elaborating it even further, is not necessary.

Lastly, the prompt is answered in a way that the argument is desired, elaborated properly and a few modification will not hurt, but of course, this are just suggestions and you can always decide should this be a valuable one to your revision or not, well, I do hope it is.

Scholarship / I will do whatever it takes to reach my goal (Scholarship) [3]

Hi Juan, as I was reading the essay, I must agree that it is a fairly written essay. It depicts the logic behind every move that you did in order to attain a specific goal, a goal that means a lot to you and the best thing here is that, you are definitely doing your best to make things happen.

Overall, it is written in a way that the reader is able to understand what you want to achieve and what challenges you are willing to take, in order to achieve your goals.

Moreover, the essay transitioned in a way that the logic is there and it is in a manner that is duly needed in the progress of the essay.

However, I suggest that you minimize the paragraph where you talked about your life's background. The essay should be focused on the academic side of your information, it should be able to grasp an entirely well - focused essay on your academe and the future family that you want belong to.

I hope this insights help.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: The technology development era changed people's method in communicating with the others [3]

Hi Umu, first of all, WELCOME to Essay Forum, we are a family of writers and students who seek for one and one goal only, to be able to share our learnings. Education is one of the most important aspect in ones life and to be able to share this to others is an act that will change the world, one edit and one share at a time.

Now, I would like to share additional insights on your essay, please find the corrections for the first couple paragraphs.

- by some individuals is the term ofpeople has developed the technology development era.
- communicating with the others
- in people's lifelives .

- family [font#FF000members from
- as the earlier.
- It is caused by the launching of
- bringingbrought about thea facilitated life.
- inside thea pone
- people to repeatedlycontinuously talk
- about their particulareither about their - condition andor problem.
- For instance, such international students

There you have it Umu, editing your essay made is a little bit clearer and the idea is far more better now than the original one, I hope this feedback is useful in coming up with the revised essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2- Newspapers have an enormous influence on people's ideas and opinions. [2]

Hi Garth, I would like to share additional insights to your essay and, yes, WELCOME to Essay Forum.

1st paragraph
- Newspapers nowadays havehad become
- to the other resources
- inof the modern life.
- Some people advocate that it is beneficial for people to accumulate knowledge, while others consider that it will deprive people of their thoughts. Indeed, in my stance, there are some drawbacks of the newspapers.

2nd paragraph
- people with hustle and bustlebusy lifestyles
- topics in the newspapers.
- whichthat has a strong impact

There you it Garth, I leave the last couple of paragraphs for you to practice editing the essay yourself, following through the ones that has been suggested in your essay. This practice is very helpful and will definitely be useful in your future writing pieces.

Writing Feedback / There is a tendency of disinterest toward museums and historical sites by local people [4]

Hi Asyaa, first if all I would like to WELCOME you to the Essay Forum Family and I hope you find this website helpful in your writing references and be useful in coming up with better if not the best essays.

Now, I have a few suggestions for the first 2 paragraphs of your essay and I hope this helps.

1st paragraph
- It is undoubtablean undeniable fact
- of disinterestloosing interest to museums
- havingexperiencea pleasure
- and delight ofin appreciating pieces of
- which has aof great history,
- acknowledgedacquainted to the local history, - been done a lot of steps and
- ways foundmade to attract
- locals to national sights. Butbut this
- requires anothera different approach.

2nd paragraph
- to eagerat raising awareness for citizens
- inwith the contribution
- withfrom the employees
- but still remain to bring a minimalhowever, the effect is very minimal .

Asyaa, the essay is fairly written, there are quiet a lot of work to be done in your essay to make it better, the thing is, you have the idea in your head, you just need to practice a lot more and this is the only way to get better at this craft.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 - More people are complaining about obesity, particularly the consumption of junk food. [3]

Hi Mark, I would like to add a few notes on your essay.
First off all, it is a very interesting answer to the essay, it's almost like you are writing a research paper, you made sure that the facts you gathered are realistically happening in real life, not just an idea or an opinion.

Now, I like the idea that you were able to present the ideas in a manner that a reader can understand, moreover, can benefit from the ideas and opinion that is conveyed in your essay. It is indeed a living parasite to todays age, obesity is one disease that will not only affect the person who is infected but the people around them and will definitely drag the family down, so before it starts, the best choice to do is to practice preventive measures, discipline and most of all, watch the way their life is going.

Overall, your essay is well written, of course there are a few suggestions from other writers and I hope you follow though on that and make use of them in your revision as well as in your future writing references.

Keep writing.

Writing Feedback / The greatest changes of an attractive island by maximize some novel facilities to improve tourism [3]

Hi Ester, below are a few additional modifications from my end.

- atin the island
- by maximizing some novel facilities - what do you mean by "novel facilities" ?
- Overall, it washas totally changed.

- From the first pictureillustration ,
- it can be seen that there
- was only anone island
- atin the middle,
- was onat the center
- of the island, close to the green area.
- had circle-shapedis shaped in circle
- with an empty area in the middle.

- To equip the amenities offor the travelers
- swimming areas close

There you have it Ester, I hope the corrections help you in enhancing your essay and for your succeeding analysis, I hope you follow though with the corrections and not to forget the linking verbs that connects and completes your sentence.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - People should study what they really immerse in it [3]

Hi Ester, I have read this essay and I was hoping that you will be able to take note of the suggestions we have for you in your previous essays, however, most of the minor adjustments in your essays are still quiet visible, especially in this essay here. See, the thing is, you have an almost perfect essay, you have the idea, you know how to write it, what to write and what information is to be added in the essay.

Now, I will not elaborate this minor details further but I would simply put it this way, a complete sentence will never be complete if it lacks the necessary linking verbs, so you have to make sure that this is included in the sentences in your essay.

I hope to further review your revised essay when you're ready.

Writing Feedback / Global Population Growth from 1800 and Urban Populations Prediction until 2100 - 3 centuries period [2]

Hi Ester, here's a little help from my end.

- inthe inner city in
- andthis were measured
- an inclining rate of the

- in the world-wide society
- but after thesethis period,
- And( avoid starting your sentence with the word "and" ) I t will decrease

- information abouton the amount
- of citizens in the urban
- two timestwice from the beginning.
- In contraston the contrary ,
- it will remain stable in the developing

Ester, this analysis is very accurate, it's just very minor details that needs to be taken cared of and overall, the analysis clearly depicted what the graph is trying to explain. You also manage to keep the numbers in uniform presentation and this is one of the most crucial information in the analysis and you made sure that it is appropriately discussed in the essay.

Writing Feedback / Before bricks can be used by a builder, they must be in the drying oven for 24 until 48 hours [2]

Hi Baso, it seemed as though you have a lot of projects today. Anyway, please find my suggestions below and I hope you follow through.

- abouton the ways
- using them infor the
- there are several processes
- in these bricks before the bricks are to be delivered directly.

- the clay that is taken
- be putplaced in the metal
- grid and after that must be infollowing the roller. - The next process is thatwhen the clay
- is to be added
- bywith sand and water,
- andit can be
- box shaped like a box
- in bothtwo different ways,
- like by mould or by wire cutter.

- Before the bricks are being used forin the - in a drying oven
- next is at around
- before being packedpacking ,
- the bricks once in thepass through the
- all these all bricks are ready
- to be delivered by thae truck
- for the purpose ofto the building industry.

There you have it Baso, I hope you have some take aways from this modifications that we suggest in your analysis.

Writing Feedback / Before sending directly to houses the rainwater must be in the treatment plant for purifying process [2]

Hi Baso, here's another help from my end.

- This diagram presents about the
- ways of reusing rainwater,such as
- from the rainwater tank.

- To begin with ,
- rainwater is placed infetched from the dam.,b efore
- sending it directly
- Another method is thatwhen rainwater
- is placedpoured in the
- Due toThis water is

- After this processes, water
- and next its excess
- sent into the river.
- also a recycled
- after in the stormwater treatment.

I hope the corrections are useful Baso, just be very mindful in adding the linking verbs and their usage, you tend to miss the link between your phrases and some sentences don't have them at all. This verbs complete the sentences so be observant in this association.

Writing Feedback / Australian family's monthly expenditure on food, clothing, transport, electricity and water [3]

Hi Ester, I would like to suggest a few modifications on your analysis. Please find below;

- At firsta glance that ,
- more money much more in 2001 than 1991.

- In 2001, turning first towith electricity
- In contrast of thisOn the contrary ( contrast - color / contrary - idea )

-the others cost
- exceptedfor housing
- which was at the fourth
- cost of the all the monthly budget
- of an Australian family.

There you have it Ester, I hope my modifications helped in revising your analysis. Overall, it is a fairly written analysis and there's only a few corrections to be made, for reference, mind the linking verbs as well as the placement of the words you use in the sentences.

Essays / Building a web site project. There are writing portfolio, too difficult. [5]

Hi Min, I was hoping to read your reading portfolio already, but it seems as though you have not prepared it yet, well, no worries, I believe you still have time and you want to make sure that it's polished and ready for submission.

While you're at it, mind the following suggestions and guidelines;

- review as much as you can, subject and verb agreement, the tense, the verb forms, to name a few, this is critical and it will help you come up with a good essay

- minor details should be kept intact as well, this are the linking verbs, punctuation marks that are also essential in completing your essay.

- a portfolio can have different approach, however, make sure that it is presented in a formal writing form

Lastly, review the rules of the portfolio make up and make sure to follow this rules properly. I wish to read your portfolio soon.

Writing Feedback / Business & money - recruiting workers important for a company (ielts task 2) [5]

HI Wira, I was looking forward to review you revised essay but it seems as though your taking some time, this is absolutely fine, however, if you have completed your revision, we would love read it here on EF so we can help you further.

In addition to this, while your revising your essay, mind the language rules, note the given points suggested by EF contributors, they help a lot in coming up with a well written essay, but then again this is just a suggestion and what matters in the end is your own decision on how to approach this prompt.

Moreover, mind the words that you associate in your essay, make sure that they do not only depict what your idea want to tell but they're also in the proper placement or input in the sentence, more so in the paragraph. One of the most tricky process in an essay is being able to tell where to place the idea, if it is in the introduction, the body or the final paragraph, so you have to be very careful.

I hope to read the revised essay soon and I wish you the best of luck.

Scholarship / Organisation needs, professional experience and education background - course and institution choice [7]

Hi Treasa, upon logging on to the website, I always make sure that I visit the notes I made in helping revise your essay and everybody else's and it's always a joy reading your feedback, this gives us the strength to continue what we do best, helping and educating those who need it the most.

Moreover, the essays you wrote are very challenging, the prompt given are not the ordinary ones and coming up with a direct to the point and reasonable essay is quiet hard to come by, I do hope to see more of your writing here on EF and please tell everyone you know, about this website. It's always interesting to welcome new writers and future educators of the EF family.

For future reference Treasa, make sure that you keep the same outright approach to the prompt, keep the presentation of your idea in a uniform manner and note that all necessary information are in there right position in the transition of your essay. Once again, thank you for appreciating our work and we hope to serve you better each time.

Writing Feedback / The main problems to consume alternative energy sources are the budget and field appliance [3]

Hi Adrian, I would like to take on editing the first and 2nd paragraph of your essay.

1st paragraph
- whichthat uses power
- of the huge
- spending on money to spend
- in thefor this present time.

- does not harm the
- This is because, 9 don't forget you punctuation marks ) - these sources have a longer lifetimespan ,
- for an instance,
- TheseThis will
- One country that is using
- canis able to meet the
- worrying about environmental problem,
- damage to the environment.

Well, there you have it Adrian, I hope the corrections helped.
You have made a well written argument, you have your opinions laid out and you have the facts to back you up. I hope to see more of your writing.

Writing Feedback / The level of viewers for Channel One News over a 12-month period [2]

Hi Sebastian, here's another contribution from me.

- information abouton the
- thedisplayingair time
- isas revealed

- whereas the level of inhabitantspeoples
- views for this station
- is at 11 pm
- witnessed a slightly
- morning viewers to 3.2 million people.

- million inhabitantspeoples views .

Sebastian, I would suggest that you avoid using the word "inhabitants" to describe people, this is fine however, it is not appropriate, specially when you are writing an analysis and the topic is not about living in a place or the wilderness, if the topic is on forest, marine life, then it will be appropriate but nor for this analysis.

I hope this works and is useful to your revision. Sometimes, the way to effectively create a well written essay is to know the words that you associate in your essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1: The most popular transportation in Edmonton - cars and Light Rail Transit [4]

Hi Nur, I would like to share my thoughts on your analysis.

- areas and is measured

- Following this popularity ,

- the most it ismore helpful
- it is for a certain activity.
- that uses the cars for
- past time activities

There you have it Nur, I hope the corrections helped, it is very minor, you were able to create an analysis that is accurate to the given illustration and this transpired through out the essay. For future writing reference, make sure that the verb from corresponds to the subject in order to complete the idea that you are trying to convey to your readers. Also, observe the uniformity of your numbers, if you started it with figures such as 1,2,3,etc., then make sure that the same goes for the following numbers in the essay, this way there is a uniform presentation of information.

Writing Feedback / Study hard but don't forget to relax, becuase your brain needs rest to function properly at school [4]

Hi Dina, I'll take charge of the 1st 2 paragraphs of your essay and I hope you follow though with the rest of the essay.

1st paragraph
Well first of all, this introduction is quiet off, I'm not able to figure out where the essay is going to or where you are leading it towards,so here's my suggestion;

A young adults life is sometimes restless, they ave a lot of activities, great aspirations, they set their own goals and developed techniques to always be, one step ahead of the game, all the time.

However, being a young adult is just a start of a more, possibly busier life, but, what does this entail for their leisure and enjoyment? Leisure is one thing that they miss and when they realize it, it's already time to move forward.

2nd paragraph
- The students have the clearly ofa clear
- purpose inof the future.
- The children usually have their exams
- prepare and have the ability
- Afterwards, it is theThis is one happy
- continues their studystudies and
- to get theachieve there dream

Dina, I leave the last two paragraphs for you, so you will be able to practice editing it yourself and you will have a much better final essay.

Writing Feedback / Everybody likes a cup of tee but just a few knows the manufacturing process of it [2]

- The diagram illustrates a figure
- that giveprovides information
- methods forof manufacturing

- Firstly, the female farmers
- collecting fresh tea leaves
- bud ofto ensure
- on a rack by air,

- ready forto be rolled or cut.
- T raditional method
- followed by the release of enzymes from them( this is not necessary ) .
- Comparedinto modern methods,
- smaller granular piecesgranules are created - with a quick process.

- The next step is the oxidation process,
-change the color of the
- leaves change tobe copper.
- theto a total of 97%

Hi Dian, I hope you don't mind another revision from me and I really hope it's useful.

Writing Feedback / It is true that people nowadays favour foreign films than local films [4]

HI Richard, first of all, WELCOME to Essay Forum, I hope you appreciate the work we do here on EF and you can always count on us on your writing needs.

Moving forward, I must say that you have responded to the prompt pretty well, the only thing that concerns me is that, you tend to use big words in expressing your sentences and at some point, is is good, however, it is sort of trying hard to compete with the rest of the prompt. Now, in responding to a prompt such as this one, you should approach it in a simple way, avoid, if you can, using big words, I know you mean well to your essay and to the readers alike but remember, the simpler the essay, the better it is understood by your readers, more so your mentor who will be the ultimate judge to your project.

Overall, it's a fairly written essay, keep it creative but not like comics, keep it interesting but not too deep that your readers cannot comprehend, simply put it, crisp and clear.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1: Electricity Generation in Germany in 3 decades; nuclear rose dramatically [4]

Hi Mochtar, a few modifications from my end;

- about the source of generating
- nuclear power rose dramatically,
- over a 3-( a hyphen is not necessary at this point) decade period.

- Concerning toWith the other

As expected, you only have very minor edits on your essays, you know this craft better and you can write analysis and essays in a breeze. Now, I believe you will be writing more and having said that, mind your usage of the 'the', 'by' and a few linking verbs that somehow confuses you and this may ruin the essay, so be very cautious with the usage of this words, you also need to pay close attention to how you start a paragraph, this is the first impression and I know that you know this very well, this greatly affects the transition of the essay and if you started strong, then it should end stronger with the help of a smooth transition.

Writing Feedback / The monitoring features of technology supports humans' role [3]

Hi Tira, here's a few suggestions;

- easinessease for
- bywith tracking
- which this action is unknown
- byfrom the citizens
- On myMy point of view is , - this advancement brings
- a person related to their roles, however
- thanthe drawback becauseis that it isof misused by criminals.

- is caused bythe danger
- to people who
- activity through their cellphone.
- of a bank or company.
- a drawback forto people - who havehas been fooled.

There you have it Tira, I hope with all this effort in directing you to the right sentences and grammar composition, you will be able to come up with a better revision.

Writing Feedback / Students work hard for their studies and sometimes it causes some damage [2]

Hi Muh, Victor here made a huge effort in giving you some ideas on how to better your essay and I hope you follow through, it is a very comprehensive modification and it should provide you with great insights on how to better your essay.

Now, what I notice in most of your essays is that, you have the idea, you know how to approach the essay, but the expression of this ideas are not flowing quiet smoothly, they lack the sense of oneness, it's like a new idea all the time and the flow is missing.

I believe, what will help, is for you to be able to review the language rules, make sure that you apply them in your essays and most of all, learn from others essays. A healthy comparison is always good.

Keep writing and practice more.

Writing Feedback / Living alone decision. It may be positive for more savings or just bring depression and loneliness. [4]

Hi Hadiyati, as I am always honest to my reviews here on EF, the introduction in this essay is quiet confusing, the ideas does not correspond pretty well.

Here's a suggestion.
A longer life span is an ultimate dream for all of us and different people have different means of pursuing it. For some, to live alone is the best way to live, this decision, however, can cause a huge gap between their social life as well as their own personal life. The good thin is, they will be able to save a lot more than people who lives within a relationship.

Now, the 2nd paragraph is not as bad, however, below are a few enhancements;

- to beinglive alone untilfor
- avoid a social
- a loneli ness
- option to some folk as well.

There you have it Hadiyati, I hope you try the suggested corrections above in order come up with a better and polished essay.

Writing Feedback / Some technologies are being used to control the movement and to facilitate the communication [2]

Hi Nur, below are my suggestions for your essay.

1st paragraph
- beca me a phenomenon.
- the communication.
- the society does not
- realiz e that they
- examine by consideringthe consideration between
- more merits than demerits
- assist in human activity.

- cameras and spy tools can - because all ofthe activities
- are witnessed by the public.
- politicians or a candidate
- of presidentfor presidency will
- become a public
- All inOver all,
- It is evident that observing the people's activity will affect the unpleasant of environment.Spying on peoples activities will destroy someones privacy.

Nur, as you can see, I only corrected the first 2 paragraphs of the essay, this is to show how else to improve your essay and I hope it helps.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK I: Diagram of manufacturing tea (using both traditional and modern methods) [3]

Hi Muh, I can see that you have been presented a very comprehensive suggestion here from an EF contributor, I have a few suggestions I would like to add, please find below;

- depict about two kinds
- of phases for productingprocess of producing black tea.
- it has a different purpose,

-the collecting stage

- worker s operates by
- while the modern
- method is by cutting,
- it is dried
- it resultsgives this aroma

Muh, the corrections above are a just minor setbacks in your analysis but overall, it is a fairly written analysis and I hope this is useful in your revision, in cases like this, you have to make sure that you use the right words base on the given drawing or diagram, such as "phrase" instead of "process", this affects the overall understanding of the analysis so be mindful.

Writing Feedback / Resources of Electricity Production in Germany [3]

Hi Sebastian, I would like to share additional insights to your analysis.

-with the exception of
- nuclear power dominated
- the energy

- which had highly changesthat has been changed .
- units of power plant,
- In contrast to thisOn the contrary ( contrast - color / contrary - ideas ) ,
- stood at 28 units,
- whereasand 2010 saw a

- witnessed the same
- the figure for total of these energies
- inclined twofoldbifold from

There you have it Sebastian, I hope my corrections helped enhance your analysis, well, it os a good one, just minor modifications and it will be better if not the best. Keep writing.

Writing Feedback / Living lonely between advantage and disadvantage [3]

Hi Bastian, I believe you have thd idea on what to write and how to approach the prompt, however, the words that you used in the essay complicated things, as mentioned from previous reviews, in responding to a prompt, make sure that you are using words that are easy to read and more importantly, easy to understand.

This approach will not only earn a following from your readers but will also let you express yourself clearly and effectively.

Pretty much, what I'm saying is that, essays that you write, depicts your work and this means, if your work is good then you are a good writer.

I hope to see more k your writing articles here on EF and be very careful on choosing words that you include in your essay.

Writing Feedback / CCTV, security cameras, etc. Public surveillance criticism- the advantages outweigh the disadvantage [3]

Hi RAY93, I must say that majority of your essay has focused on security and the difference it made to our daily lives. Though the essay has suggested a pafticular topic, I would suggest that you add a few sentences towards the end of your essay depicting the overall analysis on how technology affected our lives. Indeed, it had been a huge difference, the advancement of technology has a gone a long way, from the period it started until this time, the evolution of technology has really gone far.

For future reference, mind the flow and the strength of your essay, make sure that the essay startdd strong and ends comparatively stronger, what I just notice is that you had a very good start in this argument, however, as I read through the last part of your conclusion, I was looking for the same strength and I didn't see it but of course, this is just a suggestion and its really up to you to follow it.

Overall, it's a fairly written essay and though there are a few additions that I would suggest, you have a good one here.

Writing Feedback / The advancement of technology is used to check others activities in this globalized era [2]

Hi Yonathan, I have finished reading your essay and I must say, it has the contents that answered the prompt, indeed, the advancement of technology has transformed the society a whole lot better than it was before, imagine the days when birds are the ones transporting our letters, the days when we have to move mountains if we need to see friends, well, those were the days and they are memories to tresaure.

Nowadays, the dcisying technology is being studied in order to make things even better, in your writing you manage to convey this ideas, this ideas also flowed swiftly through out the essay. You also kept the essay tl its manimum number of paragraphs and this is a very good point.

Overall, your essay has been an effective showcase of ideas and differentiation of what was technology, then and now. I hope my insights helped and I wksh to see more of your articles soon here on EF.

Writing Feedback / Business & money - recruiting workers important for a company (ielts task 2) [5]

Hi Wira, I would like to enhance your essay by suggesting a few corrections.

- for the human resource
- department in ac certain company.
- havehas a good teamwork
- and obeyfollows instructions as well.
- equipped with thesethose two

- arehave not developed
- ina teamwork skill.
- higher education
- has manya lot of creative
- But sometimes he is admittedlyHe needs to be - able to bring the company developedinto its full potential .
- to be obeyedobserved ,
- and a breakthrough isthe results are not always successful.

Wira, I suggest further study, practice and read English literatures or anything English, this will help you come up with better writing article.