Writing Feedback / Children are educated about the right and wrong differentiation, and often by force [3]

Hoang, long and wordy sentences will not assure you of a high score in the Task 2 essay. Only clear, concise, and cohesive sentences of 3-5 sentences in every paragraph can do that. Your paragraph sentences are mostly extremely long run-on sentences that focus so much on your vocabulary usage but have very little to do with presenting clear, on point discussions. The most basic rule is 1 topic per paragraph. The most basic tenet for the overall essay is, stick to the prompt requirements.

The requirement is for you to give an extent response in the essay paraphrase. That means, restating the prompt as close as possible to the original, using terms that clearly indicate an understanding of the prompt, without changing the discussion instructions. The prompt asks "To what extent do you agree or disagree?" so your choice of responses, based on the opinion you presented (but should not have) in the opening paraphrase are as follows:

I partially agree...
I am divided on the opinion that...
I agree/disagree to the extent that...

Now, normally, this type of essay is written from a single point of agreement so that the writer does not have to try to think of different reasons to support an opinion. That allows the writer to write only 4 paragraphs instead of 5, which is what usually happens when a partial agreement is used for the discussion. In my opinion, you should use only the one sided discussion so as to save time for editing and revision of content towards the end of the time limit.

A simple essay discussion is sufficient enough to gain you a high scoring consideration. Focusing on delivering the scoring requirements, rather than an extensive but not properly developed essay, will result in better scoring results overall for you. Just look at your second paragraph. You could have offered direct and reasonable discussions in relation to the topic sentence at the start but you muddled it with the presentation of an almost undeveloped second topic in the paragraph. If you do not have 5 sentences with which to explain a new topic, you should not add it to the end of an already existing and completely developed paragraph.

Limit the ideas discussion per paragraph. Don't try to use the whole dictionary and encyclopedia in your essay. Keep it simple, the examiner and your scores will thank you for it. Consider that because of your focus on showing off your vocabulary, you did not correctly discuss the types of punishments that would be more appropriate anymore. It is almost like an afterthought in your presentation already. It should have been, one alternative punishment, one complete explanation with supporting facts. That is always how it is done. Be direct. Get to the point as soon as you can. That will better showcase your English writing abilities in terms of GRA, C&C and LR considerations.

Writing Feedback / Air transfer, some people agree and some disagree, discuss both views and give your opinion [2]

Medhi, one of the many problems that your essay possesses is that you did not compose an accurate prompt restatement. Now, without seeing the original prompt, which I wish you had posted instead of the shortcut instructions in the title box, I cannot give you an example of the proper content and format for the response. However, I can tell you that the mistake you made is in the discussion format method as indicated by your short instruction mentions.

Instruction: Discuss both points of view and your personal opinion
Response: While some argue that it should not be used air transportation for this aim and its consequences is not acceptable, I believe that it could be a positive progress for us.

As you can see, your discussion restatement is the main mistake that you created in this paragraph. You deviated from the prompt discussion which should have only stated that you will discuss both points of view and then your personal opinion. Instead, you presented an analytical opinion essay with a direct response. Two actions that are not done in an opinion discussion essay. Read the other samples here to get an idea of how to more accurately create a prompt paraphrase.

While your second paragraph is complete in terms of the sentence requirement, all you have presented here are reasons without explanations. As such, the paragraph presented is not completely informative. An accurate body of paragraph should have the following information:

1. One topic sentence at the start
2. Reason for this belief
3. Supporting sentence
4. Example
5. Explanation of sample / transition sentence

Now, you were not able to properly do the above because of your presentation that focused more on just listing talking points rather than actually developing your discussion. The talking points are not as important as the clear and cohesive explanation of the reason. You could actually complete this essay in the following paragraph format:

1. Paraphrase
2. POV 1 - 1 topic, reason, explanation, sample
3. POV 2 - 1 topic, reason, explanation, sample
4. Personal Opinion - 1 topic, reason, explanation, sample
5. Concluding summary of the topic, discussion instruction, topics, and closing sentence (restatement of personal opinion

Based on the outline, you can clearly see not only where you made mistakes, but also, how you can improve your writing for this type of essay instruction format.

Undergraduate / 'the cultures and traditions that co-exist with mine' - short essay on why I chose NYU [3]

Prath, only paragraph #4 fully explains "Why NYUAD?" It is clear, precise, and informative as to the reasons why you chose the university. All of the 2 liners don't really help to move the essay along. Neither do these directly respond to the question. Maybe, you can use those talking points if you can develop those into full paragraphs. What is the word maximum requirement? If you still have the room, go ahead and expand on the short sentences. That should help to make the essay more interesting and informative. At this point, I am only confident of paragraph #4 being directly in tune with the prompt response expectations.

If I were to develop any other paragraphs in this essay, it would be paragraphs 2 and 3. Expanded, it should explain that you chose NYUAD because you look forward to spending some time studying abroad at an affiliate university as a student of (name a particular topic or subject) in relation to your chosen major. Then the 3rd paragraph can be expanded to explain how you loo forward to learning about other countries through the mixed representation of nations on campus. Which can result in a highly learning experience through the social events at the university.

You get the drift. Represent an academic and social discussion of your university choice as it relates to your academic and social development desires. This is still a work in progress but has a better direction now than before.

Writing Feedback / Global Water Temper: Effects on Hurricanes - research paper [2]

Mark, you have a tendency to confuse the discussion by presenting unrelated natural disasters such as earthquakes and crime rates in the research paper. Don't distract the reader in such a confusing manner. From the very start, focus the essay on what you really wish to discuss. Will it be the causes of hurricanes? The deaths caused by hurricanes, or the cost of hurricanes? I am confused as to whether this is to be a scientific study or a political review of how badly prepared PR is for hurricanes due to its status as a protectorate of the US. This current version of the research paper is all over the place. I can't really keep track of what your original thesis statement is, how it is presented in the paper in terms of research, and what the relation of the aforementioned topics are to the study of Hurricanes and its prevention. Edit the paper in terms of content. Try to outline your paper first in order to discover what paragraphs should stay and which should go. A sample outline is:

I. Thesis Statement
II. Response
III. Discussion Topics in relation to the response
IIIa. Topic 1

and so on and so forth. You get the picture. Don't keep the aspects that can confuse the reader or break the concentration or flow of thought for the reader. That will create a very weakly developed and discussed essay on your part.

Writing Feedback / The two maps depict the land-use changes on an island. IELTS TASK 1 [2]

Mia, you wrote a pretty decent comparison report for the images presented. However, by using the proportional scale reference, you changed the information from "100 meters to the sea from the beach" to "100 meters wide and 200 meters long." There is no reference to 200 meters in either illustration. That is an analytical mistake on your part that could result in a scoring down of your TA score. Do not make up information, do not change the information, do not use information not backed up by the illustration either. I cannot stress this enough. In a task 1 essay, you are scored on the accuracy of your analysis and proper use of information in your essay. Avoid making such errors in the future in order to keep your possible score at the highest level your analytical writing can produce. You also failed to identify that a beach allotment was outlined in both illustrations along with references to the sea location.

Writing Feedback / The line graph represents the measure of elder people aged 65 and over in USA, Sweden and Japan [3]

Harpeet, just like all other students here, your overview paragraph presentation is incomplete. It lacks a reference to the age groups represented, the comparative years grouping, the measurement style, and a single trending statement. The more accurate summary would have been:

A line graph representing the proportion of the elderly population in 3 countries has been provided. The countries used in the survey are the USA, Sweden, and Japan. With ages ranging from 65 and above, the measurements are given in percentages and represents the population on a 2 decade comparison point ranging from 1940 up to 2040. The overall trend is that all 3 countries are projected to experience an increase in their retirement age population starting the year 2020 until 2040..

You caught onto the obvious information and comparison points. Good job! The analysis could have benefitted from a 2 decade presentation of information though. You did not fully utilize the year count as required, which makes your analysis feel incomplete in terms of information presentation. Good estimation presentation as well towards the end of the essay. However, you failed to present the estimate of the population by the year 2040 in the final presentation.

Accuracy is the name of the game. Make sure that all relevant data, from percentages to years presented are properly outlined and presented in the analysis report that you are writing every single time, regardless of the topic for discussion.

Undergraduate / Columbia Personal Statement - "Why Columbia?" [4]

Arthur, I think you should open the essay instead with the reference to your curiosity and love for learning. It ties in directly with the current first paragraph you presented. So adding that hook to the start will make the opening paragraph more interesting to the reviewer. At the mention of the 200 research centers, you should also consider mentioning one research center specifically and the reason why you value that place as a part of your potential Columbia experience. I don't understand how the following portion ties in with why you value Columbia:


- If this does not tie in directly with a Columbia University experience then it should not be presented in this essay.

There is also no such thing as 4 graduation years. There is only one graduation year, your senior year. Consider using any of the following terms in its place:

1. 4 college years
2. 4 university years
3. 4 academic years
4. 4 tertiary education years

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing 2 - will tax on fuel ease the traffic and pollution? [6]

@smally01 you almost got the prompt paraphrase completely right. You made a slight error in your direct question response. That is, you only tackled one of the two aspects for discussion. BTW, can you do me a favor next time and please, double check the question before you post your essay? I believe it or not, your original prompt has been almost consistently inaccurately worded and it makes reading the prompt and trying to figure out what the instructions are extremely difficult for the reader. Practice being a responsible writer even now. Double check the original prompts before you post. The original question is "Would there be more benefits than drawbacks?" Your autocorrect is on, which tells me that you are probably typing on your mobile phone. Turn off auto-correct if you can please. Post as originally written as well.

This is a comparative essay discussion. So when the question is: Would there be more benefits than drawbacks, the correct response is " This essay will consider whether or not there are more gains than losses with regards to the increase in gasoline taxes."

Your comparison discussion is acceptable. However, you have some grammatical inaccuracies such as the use of the word "tact" which means, "adroitness and sensitivity in dealing with others or with difficult issues." Did you mean to say "tax" instead?

This is a 5 paragraph essay. So your belief should have been in a separate stand alone paragraph, not, as I keep reminding the students, in the concluding summary because the concluding summary just presents a short version of your discussion to the reader. The format:

1. Paraphrase
2. Topic 1
3. Topic 2
4. Personal opinion
5. Concluding summary

Writing Feedback / Separate education for disruptive school students? [4]

Thuy, your essay is only partially responsive to the task indicated in the original essay. Your original prompt instruction only asks you to agree or disagree but you created your own prompt discussion in the paraphrase which means your thesis statement is unrelated to the task. Look at this for clarification purposes regarding your error in the prompt paraphrase that caused the discussion deviation:

Question: Do you agree or disagree ?
Response: I am of the opinion that although grouping poorly-behaved students has certain benefits, its drawbacks should be taken into consideration.

You totally went off the mark in your response, which shows the examiner that you do not understand the instructions for the discussion, which means you will only get a score of 1 in the TA section, which means you will not be able to garner a score of 5 overall for this type of writing due to other scoring consideration errors in your part. That is, even though your body of paragraphs responded properly to the original prompt requirement of specified reasons for your opinion. Your presentation response was not an opinion but rather a discussion of benefits and drawbacks. That is the opposite of what the prompt response should have been.

Writing Feedback / Essay about free transportation 24/7 [3]

Kudzai, if you want to really help your friend prepare for the IELTS test then the best thing that you can do is ask her to join us at this forum where we can actually help her directly through a lively discussion regarding how to best improve his or her existing writing skills. We are a friendly bunch who really get along so your friend should not have a problem blending in with our little ragtag group :-)

The main problem of your friend in this essay is a simple prompt deviation in the opening paraphrase that could have created a prompt deviation in the discussion. The question is: "to what extent do you agree or disagree?" So the response that should have been delivered was: I strongly disagree with this statement." Then the explanations as to why there is a disagreement should be given in the next 2 paragraphs since this is a 4 paragraph essay question. BTW, don't use information not in the original prompt. That can cause a prompt deviation because the writer will read the draft and think "I forgot to explain that part" and revise the essay, when it was never asked about to begin with.

Your friend properly discussed the reasons in the 3 body of paragraphs. writing a total of 5 paragraphs, which will result in a higher TA score since a complete 5 paragraph presentation shows a clear understanding of the prompt as well as an increased C&C and GRA score due to the full explanations that each paragraph contains. Taking ownership of the opinions in the paragraph by indicating "I strongly believe" also helps to increase the scoring potential of the essay as a reminder of the discussion thesis statement is sent mid-essay to the examiner. BTW, the topic sentence in paragraph 4 is not clear to the reader. Remember, every sentence needs to be understandable and should not confuse the reader.

The other problem is that this essay will be considered minimally responsive due to the problem with the prompt paraphrase. Since that part of the essay is wrong in presentation, points will be deducted for falling under the minimum word count (if that is the case after the wrong presentation sentences / paragraphs are removed from the word count). This will heavily affect your friend's TA score.

Tell your friend that the conclusion is well written in this essay and the concluding summary is almost perfect. Your friend should have simply restated that he/she strongly disagrees with the original prompt based on these reasons.

Essays / What does it take both physically and intellectually to succeed as an ultrasound technician? [2]

Leenie, if you want to make your essay stand out in response to this question, you need to go beyond Google and delve into your personal understanding of the question instead. You have done the basic internet research on the topic. Based on your understanding of that research, what qualities do you think you possess that can assure you of a successful career as an ultrasound technician? Surely there are some character traits that you have which you feel make you a stand out applicant at this point. Go ahead and flaunt these traits and skills.

The response to this question is not something you can research. This is a question that is asking you analyze why you believe you will be a successful student in this field. There is no right or wrong response to the question, only the strength of your conviction and belief in your physical and academic capacity to succeed in such a demanding course of study.

You can't base your response on research or comments from others because the criteria changes from applicant to applicant or professional to professional. Do not expect to be able to write the perfect essay, as there no such thing, that can guarantee your admission just because you are throwing together what you hope to be exceptional traits that the reviewer may find impressive. He can see right through such essays.

Writing Feedback / The bar graph illustrates the proportion of Australian males and females doing sport exercises IELTS [3]

Siti, I am not sure why your writing skills fell apart in the task 1 essay. I guess you have a problem with analysis reports so you have to work extra hard on this type of essay test. Why am I saying this? It is because the score for this type of writing cannot be higher than a 4. I acknowledge the fact that you had some apprehensions about the way that you wrote this essay, which is why you asked for suggestions about how to fix it. In order to know what you have to pay attention to fixing in the next task 1 essay, I have to tell you what the problems you have, per scoring criteria are:

TA - You did not fully represent the information from the chart, starting from your opening paraphrase, you already made severe mistakes in your discussion. The opening paraphrase lacks:

1. A description of the measurement type
2. The age groups being represented in the chart for males and females
3. The instruction for analyzing the essay which is, reporting the main features and then making comparisons where relevant.
- You placed important information in a parenthesis which means the information is unimportant. All of the information in the chart is important. Nothing is optional. You have to report the data as delivered in the bar graph. That means, not making estimates where actual figures are represented.

C&C - Your ideas are not presented in a manner that is easily understandable to the reader. There is a clear lack of ability to present a coherent and cohesive explanation in each paragraph.

LR - You have almost no control over word formation and your errors cause problems for the reader in terms of understanding what you want to say.

GRA - Sentence development and grammar presentations are severely faulty causing the reader to experience stress in trying to understand your explanation of the report.

I apologize for saying this but I have to be truthful here. This is the worst essay you have written so far. I hope to see you apply corrections to the problem points in the next essay. Keep practicing. That is the only way you can become better at this.

Writing Feedback / Students should choose fields based on their preferences or just focus on job related subjects? [3]

Hoang, your essay is not responding to the task at all. You are being asked to discuss whether or not students should be allowed to study subjects in college that are of interest to them or, if they should only study subjects related to their future work. You are responding to the essay from the point of view of someone who has already graduated from college and is already working. That is the wrong discussion approach. You need to approach this essay from the POV of the student, not the professional. You clearly misunderstood the prompt, which led to a prompt deviation in the discussion, which means you did not accomplish the task requirements in terms of discussion points and responses.

In addition to that, your prompt paraphrase is includes some reasoning at the end of the instruction presentation. Since this is not a direct question essay, no reasoning should be provided after you indicate the discussion instructions. There was no need to immediately mention your perspective as you are not able to fully explain your reasons for having such an opinion in the opening statement due to the sentence limitations. Your personal opinion could have instead, been placed as a completely developed paragraph anywhere within the 3 body paragraphs allotment.

Overall, your essay shows that you have the potential to create good discussions, provided you really understood what the prompt was about first. You need to develop your English comprehension skills. Make sure you understand the question first, then worry about your sentence presentation, vocabulary, and clarity of the paragraph.

Writing Feedback / Task 2 - Reading books vs. Watching films and television [6]

Tri, you have a very well developed opening paragraph that is clear in its paraphrasing and response. Your answer to the prompt is appropriate and shows that you fully understand discussion topic and the required response format. Good job! You accomplished almost half the task at that point. Although, you would have scored better if your vocabulary was more appropriate. you need to learn to use the various word plays that come for a root word such as "imagination". You could have used the term "imaginative" instead to indicate a present word usage in the paraphrase since the discussion is ongoing.

The only problem, is that you represented a single sided, total agreement with the given point of view. This indicates that only a one sided opinion will be discussed to prove your opinion in the essay. However, your discussion was comparative, indicating a partial agreement only. Therefore, your response should have been "I am in partial agreement..." in order to allow your opinion discussion to represent both sides. This is only a small error in an otherwise acceptable essay. The score for this essay would have been around a 4 - 4.5 due to your inappropriate response format, problematic vocabulary use as you did not use present tense versions of the words, and some under developed paragraphs because of the incorrect response presentation.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - it is good to share as much information, while others think the opposite [3]

Siti, the original prompt clues you into the fact that this is supposed to be a 5 paragraph essay based on the "discuss both points of view and give your opinion" instruction. So that means, you need 3 body paragraphs in the middle of the essay. The format is:

1. Prompt paraphrase
2. POV 1
3. POV 2
4. Personal opinion
5. Concluding summary

Your opening paraphrase, though extremely wordy and clear, does not include the prompt instruction restatement to explain to the reader what kind of opinion paper you are writing. It make the paraphrase incomplete and as such, can affect your TA score since there is a question as to the type of discussion you will be presenting. The paraphrase has become inaccurate as it includes a response that is not required in the presentation. You turned this into a direct response essay when it is a comparative essay presentation. The correct paraphrase is:

While there are some professionals who believe that information sharing is necessary in the scientific, business, and academic field, there are those who oppose this point of view. They believe that information regarding development in these fields should be kept a secret as it is too important to be freely given as mutual information. A discussion will be presented for each point of view in this essay along with my personal insight into the topic.

384 words is overkill in this instance. Don't forget, you need to be clear and direct to the point in every paragraph using only 5 sentences. Your flowery presentation takes too much time to explain what you want to say. Do not show off your vocabulary in a manner that steals from your editing and revision time as you did in this essay. Write no more than 300 words in 5 paragraphs of 3-5 sentences each in order to ensure that you have ample editing time left after you write the document.

In addition to that, you also need to write a personal point of view in a complete paragraph after you write about the 2 public opinion discussions. The personal opinion is never, and I cannot repeat this enough times to all my students, never a single sentence in the concluding paragraph. The concluding paragraph should always summarize the discussion and close the discussion with a comprehensive closing statement such as:

That is why I stand by my opinion that...

Which indicates a close of the presentation since the personal opinion was given in the prior paragraph. Never close using an open ended conclusion, which happens when you present your unexplained and undeveloped personal opinion in the closing paragraph.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: Reason why children play less with others and the effects on their development [4]

Anh, while your vocabulary is impressive, the fact that your paragraphs are not completely developed in terms of reasoning leaves the paragraph less informative than it should be. That is because you are only providing reasons without complete justifications through the use of explanatory sentences and examples to substantiate your claims. Therefore, the total essay can be deemed, less developed than it should be. This is further highlighted by your run-on sentence in the opening paraphrase which should have been presented as a 3 sentence paragraph instead. This is a direct response essay so the reasons and your opinion should have been indicated as part of the opening paraphrase.

When you read the original prompt, note how many sentences it took to present the discussion, reason, and instructions, then make sure that you present the same number of sentences in your paraphrase to totally portray a clear idea of comprehension and sentence development abilities. I would have written this in the following manner:

With children developing less of a socialized form of playtime these days, it has been perceived that this action has had a connection with their overall development. One reason for this is because they can play online and interact with other players in the same way. I believe that this has negative influence on the children.

The paraphrase I wrote responds, per sentence to the following:

1. Paraphrase of the topic sentence.
2. A clear reason for the development based on the first direct question.
3. A personal opinion in response to the second direct question.

Those are the elements of the response that the examiner will immediately look for in your opening paraphrase. So these should be clearly presented in the paragraph paraphrase and connected response.

The way the original prompt was written indicates a 4 paragraph response is required. Therefore, your response should contain only the following:

1. Paraphrase
2. Single reason with properly developed explanation over 3-5 sentences.
3. Explanation as to why this is a bad/negative effect.
4. Concluding summary comprised of the prompt restatement, reason, explanation, and closing sentence.

In every task 2 essay, you should never focus on several discussion points in one paragraph. You are not scored on knowledge of the topic. You are scored only on your ability to make yourself understood as you explain your reasons for supporting a particular aspect of the discussion. In this instance, your essay tries to present several reasons with little developed explanation, which forced you to write run-on sentences, which will have a direct effect on the C&C and GRA scoring considerations of your essay. Mostly because of the lack of clarity behind the reasons in each paragraph.

Based on those reasons, I believe that you can score a 5 - 5.5 due to lack of progression in the discussion and lack of idea development in every paragraph.

Undergraduate / It is precisely the environment I would like to put myself in - admission essay __ WHY NYUAD? [3]

HI Jasmine. Looking at your essay from the point of view of a reviewer, I am wondering why you chose NYUAD. There are uncertainties in your essay where you use the term "I hope" or "I think" and "I am convinced". You speak a lot about your yearning to learn about languages from an early childhood but you don't really explain how NYUAD can help you progress with that learning process. Everything that you say in the essay relates to information that anybody can get from the website. It is to generic in feel and content. You need to be more specific in presentation.

The information that this essay should contain must be a specific response as to why you chose NYUAD in specific terms. Discuss what subject you look forward to enrolling in and explain how it will help you achieve your learning goals. Describe the community and activities you will participate in along with why you look forward to these moments as a character building and social learning experience. Describe how, being a non-native student, you hope to help improve the cultural relationship between you and your international classmates.

Think of the universities internship programs and other mentoring opportunities that will help you achieve a professional goal. Explain why you think that your unique academic and professional objectives will best be served by the educators and program participants at the university. Aim to present yourself as a potential student who has a clear idea as to how you see your future and how the university will have a direct hand in this process. Avoid mentioning uncertainties and probabilities. Be definite. Show that you trust that the university can do these things for you which is why you chose to request for acceptance into the university.

What your essay lacks is a clear description of the factors that you used to help determine that NYUAD is the best university for your academic and professional goals. Clarify those points so that you can clearly explain why you chose NYUAD as your first choice university.

Undergraduate / Essay on the influence of my family and environment and how it has shaped me as a person [3]

Nicole, by the time I finished reading this essay, I had learned so much about your grandfather and his omnipresence in your life. I learned very little about you in the process. Sure your grandfather was a driving force and influence in your life. However, I am not interested in his life story. As the reviewer, I am more interested in getting to know who you are because of his influence. There is very little reference to that in this essay.

You could revise the content of the essay to first, discuss who you are today. What would make you say that the person you are today is the result of the influence of your family, friends, community, and school? Actually, based on the prompt requirement, you can choose only one of these aspects to discuss. I believe that focusing on the true influencing factor in your development would help you write an essay that truly focuses on you as a person and how you came to be. If this means focusing on the influence of your grandfather, then so be it. Just make sure to discuss YOU instead of HIM instead since YOU are the focus of this essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITNG TASK 2: The impact of ageing populations on both individuals and society [3]

Moon, your response is good but partially in error. Technology is not the reason that old people are living longer these days. It is medical science advancements that helps people to conquer illnesses that in turn, help them to lead longer and more productive lives. Technology refers to gadgets and other electronic or mechanical advancements. These do not help to prolong life. Medical science is the branch of science that does that.

Your reasoning paragraphs are not developed in terms of content. That is because you lost sight of what the objective of the task 2 essay is about. The Task 2 essay is all about your ability to discuss a single topic based on several supporting reasons in a clear manner using the English language. All you did in this essay is present discussion topics without a clear explanation nor supporting data to strengthen your topic presentations. Therefore, your paragraphs will be scored on the "under-developed discussion" side. The general rule is one topic sentence per paragraph with supporting explanations for the remaining 4 sentences. It is not 5 topic sentences alone. If you have topic sentences but cannot clearly and convincingly explain it, then the topic sentence doesn't serve a purpose.

For this essay, I think the proper approach would have been:
1. Paraphrase
2. Reason
3. Solution
4. Concluding summary

A 4 paragraph essay would have been sufficient to represent a completely developed and clear English discussion based on the given prompt instructions.

Graduate / "Surfing and Family Values" - DPT PTCAS Personal Essay Topic for 2018-2019 Admission [2]

Karly, this essay takes too long to get to the point. Then, when it does get to the point, I learn more about your father and your brothers, even your mother, than I do about you and how this experience / diagnosis of your father having young-onset dementia became a learning experience for you. Start the essay from the point of your father being diagnosed, then explain how the diagnosis affected you and encouraged you to make changes in your life that have, in the process, helped you to become a better person.

The essay is weak in representing your personal growth or change in perception. You mention these in only one or two sentences at the most when the whole essay should be grounded upon how that diagnosis had a direct impact on your overall development as a person. There is no need to try and connect the experience with your chosen college major. This is not an essay that delves upon that.

Instead, this essay should delve upon how you handle a crisis and/or turn that crisis into a learning experience for yourself. What did you learn from having to deal with this diagnosis? What changes did you make in life to accommodate your dad? Why do you believe that caring for him at this point in his illness is something that has made you a better person? What kind of relationship evolved from all these experiences and changes?

If you must focus on discussing a relationship, make it a reference to your relationship with your father and no one else, before and after his diagnosis. Describe how the evolution of your relationship has also contributed to a new perspective in your life about how you view father-daughter relationships and how it should be valued as it grows. The focus on these 2 aspects will certainly be more than enough to respond to the prompt requirements.

Shorten the essay. Get to the point sooner rather than later. Revise the content to be more interesting and related to the expected information.

Writing Feedback / The government ought to prioritize railways as the primary sector to receive funds rather than roads [2]

Siti, I have several points for correction in your essay in this instance. To start, you must try to meet the minimum sentence requirement of 3 sentences in the opening and closing paragraphs in order to fully utilize your C&C as well as your GRA scoring potentials. Maximizing the fact that you can write coherent and well structured sentences within the 3-5 sentence format will always result in a score boost on your end. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise because that is a fact. My students have scored between 7 and 9 using that format in the actual test. Just look at the clarity difference in the opening statement when you write 3 sentences:

The government is seen to be constantly spending more money on road development. However, the government is also being encouraged to spend more money on railways instead. I tend to agree with this statement for 2 reasons.

Then, in your conclusion, using the same format:

Based on the aforementioned considerations, it is clear that there are positive effects to having the government spend more money on the development of railways. Environmental protection and allowing for transportation that carries more passengers over a greater distance to solve road congestion problems are two of the reasons that this should be done. That is why I completely agree with the suggestion that the government spend more money on railways instead of roads.

Keep in mind that the concluding summary is just a another form of the opening paraphrase, the only difference being that the discussion points you presented in support of your stance should be indicated in the closing remarks.

By the way the term is not "policy maker", a reference to a simple "the government policy in this case..." would have worked best. Also, try to avoid using connector words such as "because" at the start of sentences because it is not connecting 2 ideas in one sentence presentation in that instance.

Excellent work referring to your personal knowledge regarding road and railway development, as well as environmental results of using railways in other countries without having to refer to research in your statement. As a person who appears to be widely read, this type of writing is what will increase your scoring potential as you show that you are capable of presenting an understandable English based discussion to a native English speaker.

Writing Feedback / Age problem in choosing a leader for an organization [3]

Huynh, this is a single opinion essay. All IELTS Task 2 essays are one sided unless otherwise specified. In this essay you have to make one clear choice for the discussion. That is, an agreement with the given statement since you say that you believe that a young leader has more advantages. Your opening paraphrase is also incomplete as you do not represent all of the original given information from the original discussion. A more appropriate representation would have been:

A discussion regarding younger people should be made the head of corporations. This is because, at the moment, more mature individuals are given the position of responsibility in these companies. I agree that young adults should be given these roles based on a number of factors.

The paraphrase needs to be clear, can show an ability to use synonyms, and also, restate the discussion instruction in a manner that indicates a clear understanding of the English instructions. In this instance, you misunderstood and thought you were being asked to do a comparison discussion between the old and young leaders in a given organization.

Now, based upon that error and the fact that this is your first post at this forum, I will not score this essay. I want to give you a chance to correct these mistakes and offer me a more solid and accurate representation of your skills covering the 4 scoring considerations. I look forward to reading your next essay and assessing your abilities then.

Here is a tip, never do a comparison discussion unless indicated to do so. A single opinion essay is always easier to write about because you focus on delivering only one straight explanation for related and supporting topics.

Writing Feedback / The oversea tourist is the reason for causing tension and negative impacts to the country they visit [4]

Bui, you have some major errors in this essay that will automatically garner yo a failing score. The first is that you created a prompt deviation. Based upon the original discussion, you were expected to respond to the question;

Question: To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Your response/prompt deviation is: I believe international tourism brings more benefits than disadvantages, especially creates understanding between people from different customs.

You changed the discussion from an extent essay to an advantage / disadvantage essay discussion. This shows that you do not understand the prompt requirement which means you will not get a passing TA score, which will then prevent you from getting the lowest possible passing score of 5 for this essay discussion. That is because you have created mistakes in other scoring sections as well which will result in further low scores that add up to a less than passing mark in the end.

Writing Feedback / Students eager to traveling and earning more money instead of studying continuously [3]

Phan, the first thing that I noticed about this essay is that you did not take care of your vocabulary presentation. You do know that you are being scored on spelling accuracy as well as vocabulary use right? So when you make obvious mistakes in your spelling, then you do not correct it, you are giving the examiner a reason to lower your LR score. Since you are considered an ESL writer, you should avoid these mistakes which could lower your score in any criteria because that is how you end up failing the test. You have several errors in the spelling of English words in this essay such as bebeficial and drawbakcs. I mean really, you could have easily caught these mistakes and corrected them. This makes it obvious that you did not bother to spend time editing and proof reading your content prior to submission. You should always allot at least 5 minutes to edit your draft essay. Don't ever consider the draft or first writing the final version. Leaving these correctable mistakes is what will pull down your score immensely.

All of your paragraphs are also under developed in terms of cohesiveness and coherence. That is because you only present several discussion topics, but you never really thresh out your explanation. You are being scored on your ability to be able to explain your line of reasoning in English. Which is why there is a single topic per paragraph limitation in place for the 3 body paragraphs. You are not being scored on your knowledge of the topic. You are being given a score based on your ability to fully explain what you mean based on your chosen reasons. One topic per paragraph, fully explained in 3-5 sentences. That is the deal you have to meet in the Task 2 presentations.

Don't get me wrong, all of your reasons are strong, but not really supportive if your stance because there are not supporting explanations or examples to prove that you have the right opinion. Since this is a comparison essay. You could have approached the body of paragraphs / reasoning as follows:

1. Topic sentence
2. Reasoning
3. Justification / example presented in 2 sentences. Use the final sentence as the transition / introduction to the next topic. This gives you a 5 sentence paragraph.

Use the above format for each topic reason and you will have a fully coherent, cohesive, and well structured sentences in each paragraph. Strive to present a balanced mix of simple to complex sentences. Right now, due to the lack of paragraph development, you have more simple rather than complex sentences presented.

Be clear in your discussions. Try to present more properly worded sentences that do not stress the reader. An example of a stressful sentence from your essay is:


The reason the above sentence has become stressful to read is because you tried to combine 2 separate ideas into one long sentence, hoping it would result in a complex sentence when all you did was create an overly long / run-on sentence. A better way of presenting these information would have been:

Additionally, teenagers who take a year off may become stressed out or find themselves under pressure to return to school. Since it will be difficult for them to re-adapt to the school setting...

Pay attention to the concluding summary requirements. None of the following were presented in your concluding paragraph (in no particular order):
1. Topic for discussion
2. Prompt restatement
3. Summarized reasoning from the body of paragraphs
4. Opinion
5. Closing sentence

Your opening paragraph also does not follow the required 3-5 sentence paraphrasing requirement. It should have been presented as:

There is an ongoing discussion regarding students who take a year long sabbatical between secondary and tertiary education. These students often decide to take a trip to other countries or, they decide to try their hand at working in an actual job for a year. While others believe that there are advantages to a year long vacation from school, I believe that there are more disadvantages to this vacation system for the student.

Often, a simple 3 sentence restatement of the original prompt, based on your understanding, is already acceptable as a complete prompt paraphrase and will be scored accordingly.

Writing Feedback / The majority of UK students speak at least one other language in addition to English [3]

@msyoshino while you did write a little more than the 150 word requirement, your presentation remains incomplete. You do have a semblance of a 4 paragraph presentation here but you lack comparison points between the two pie charts, a proper summary overview, and a clear presentation of the information provided. The correct format for this essay would have been:

1. Summary overview with complete information and trending statement
2. Information from the 2000 chart
3. Information from the 2010 chart
4. Comparison points

It would have been better for your essay if you used the proper percentage presentations from the original charts because using the fractional form does not really give the reader a clear idea of the measurements involved. Your presentation leaves the reader guessing in most parts and will be considered to be giving the reader stress, which could affect your C&C and GRA scores. Since the Task 1 essay is all about information accuracy and clear paraphrasing, you should always use the information as originally presented in the chart.

The opening summary is incomplete. It should read as follows:

Two pie charts have been provided for reporting and comparing in terms of available information. The pie charts represent the data regarding the measurement of British students enrolled at an undisclosed British university who had the ability to converse in other languages aside from English in the years 2000 and 2010. The measurements for the 6 sections representing No other language, Spanish only, French only, Another language, German only, and Two other languages were presented in the percentage format. Overall, the trend showed an increase in No other language learners which was up 5 percent in 2010 from the original 2000 measurement. .

The summary overview is the most important aspect of the Task 1 essay writing because this shows your ability to analyze the report and pick out the important information that can be useful to the reader. That is why you need to present all of the important information that is given to you in the original discussion and instructions. Doing so will increase your TA scores to the highest possible marking.

In addition to that, you should try to write around 175 words to be sure that you did not miss any important information in your presentation. Be particularly cognizant of your comparison data presentation as that is clearly indicated as a requirement in the task instruction. Look for the small similarities or extended trending explanation as part of the comparison presentation. By the way, you do not need to write a concluding sentence / paragraph in a Task 1 essay. That is not required as this is an analytical report essay, not an opinion essay.

Undergraduate / "Happiness in the service of others". Application essay. [2]

Tam, there are two things that you need to change in this essay. The first, is the reference to the death of your grandfather at the age of 5. The other, is the concluding paragraph that discusses the university choice. Both are irrelevant to the essay for different reasons.

The reviewer can recognize an exaggeration when he reads it. The reference to being 5 years old and wishing to become a nurse to help your grandfather is an exaggeration. That is because the reviewers acknowledge that a child at the age of 5 cannot fathom becoming a nurse and the demands that such an ambition entails. That is not the proper inspirational reference for this essay. Instead, you should describe how your grandmother's battle with Alzheimer's pushed you to consider a career in nursing. You do not need to delve into how you ended up in accounting with such detail. You can instead mention that your grandmother's case forced you to make a career shift so you can better care for her. That is more believable than this long winded story about being 5 years old and wanting to become a nurse but then your family convinced you to take a different course.

At this point, your essay is too long to hold the interest of the reviewer. You must shorten it by focusing on the more important aspects of the discussion regarding your career change. Use paragraphs 2 and 3 as the basis of your revised essay.

Change your concluding presentation. Your reasons for attending the university are not part of an extenuating circumstance, nor is it an explanation that adds value to your application. What you should instead be doing, is convincing the reviewer that because of your grandmother's health situation, you have unexpectedly entered the role of caregiver, which is only a stone's throw away from becoming a nurse because you already practice minor healthcare duties in caring for her. That adds to your practical training ability as a future nurse.

After you change your essay presentation, you can then focus on fixing your grammar and sentence structure problems. There is no need to fix those at this point because your content still requires major changes. That should be the last of your worries at this point of your essay development. Consider your essay a work in progress right now and it is in the revision stage.

Writing Feedback / Statistical information about the underground railway systems in six cities [2]

Hoang, if you take 27 minutes to write one analytical report, you are taking too much time. You only have 20 minutes to work on the Task 1 essay. That means you need to accomplish the following within an allotted time frame:

5 minutes - analyze and outline the report
15 minutes - draft the report ( reexamine the illustration to be sure you cover all obvious points)
5 minutes - edit and revise (if necessary) the report. (Look for certain aspects to compare or contrast if possible that were not included in your original draft)

As always, the summary review for your report is incomplete. Make sure that all the pertinent data is included in the summary because this proves how well you analyzed the report and also, that you are capable of thinking in English as well as writing in the language. The correct summary statement? Here's a sample:

A column chart has been presented for reporting. It covers the six underground railway systems of London, Paris, Tokyo, Washington D.C., Kyoto, and Los Angeles. It considers that number of passengers per year in the millions based on the kilometers of the route taken since the railway systems opened. There are 2 obvious trends represented in the chart. Paris and Tokyo have the highest number of passengers while Kyoto and Los Angeles have the least passengers based on the kilometers of the route.

Do not mistake long sentences for informative sentences. The longer your sentences, the stronger your tendency to blur your report. Keep it short but informative. 5 moderate length sentences per paragraph will always do the trick. Do not write more than 200 words or you will run out of time to edit. Writing 175 words is more than enough words to help you present a clear explanation of the information. We are looking for clarity in your declarations, not the amount of English words that you know. Keep it short.

Familiarize yourself with synonym words during your off hours. Do not look for synonyms during the actual practice test. You will definitely always end up running over time if you do that. Remember, you can't research word usage during the actual exam. There won't be a computer for you to use to do that. So read up on synonyms during your vocabulary building exercises instead.

As for the score, you won't be scored down for writing too many words. In fact, it may even help you if you used the words in the proper context and your explanation is very clear. Remember though that if you don't finish writing the essay, the amount of words you wrote could work against your final score since your essay may end up unfinished in the analysis part.

I think you can get a 5 with this type of writing, provided you can do the same kind of work within the time allotment. I know it will be hard to do which is why I would like you to try to develop a writing style that will allow you to use less words but deliver more information. Additional advice. practice using transition sentences to help ease the reader into the presentation of the next discussion. By using transition sentences, you will be able to showcase your vocabulary and sentence structure skills in a more noticeable and beneficial manner.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK1: ESSAY ABOUT UK BIRTH RATE IN WOMEN AT 6 AGE GROUPS [4]

Vo, in my opinion, you have not given ample thought to time management in the writing of your essay. You wrote 210 words for a task that should be completed in 20 minutes. Therefore, your sole focus was on the vocabulary aspect of the writing instead of the content and quality of your presentation. Take for instance, how you represented the year starting in the chart as being 1973 when the title indicates that the chart starts in 1938. The overview should have indicated the same with a relevant explanation of:

While the graph begins in the year 1973, the actual start of the graph, as indicated in the description, is 1938.

This is because, if the data comparison of the examiner is done based on the actual image, your statement will have a bit of a misrepresentation of the data. It never hurts to be clear in your presentation of the actual information, even if you have to explain the minute difference in the presentation. It still counts as a TA score increase. Additionally, you should have mentioned that the graph started in 1973 and ended in 2008 along with the age group description. All of the relevant immediate information should be presented in the overview as:

A line graph representing the differences in the UK birth rate for women in 6 age groups are represented in the illustration. The age groups represented as those under 20 years up till the age of 40 and above. Each group is considered within a 5 year age bracket. The measurements are represented in percentage points. The measurements show a varying trend of upward, downward, and flat birth rates, depending upon the age group.

With that slight observation made, I have to say that the rest of your analysis is strong and relevant. It is clear and easily understood by the reader even if the reader does not see the graph within your analysis. Good job!

Writing Feedback / What I do in my free time - thinking about my goal [3]

Jhuang, this is more of a statement than an essay. So you should present short but clear sentences Since you are a new English language learner. It will be best for you to write short complete sentences instead. Try not to use too many punctuation marks at this point and just keep using periods until you become comfortable with using it. As your sentences become longer and you begin to learn how to combine 2 thoughts in one sentence, you can start using commas and expanding your punctuation mark use per sentence presentation. You need to be able to present this particular statement in a narrative manner. Something like the following:

Everyone has a dream. My dream is to become an excellent business consultant. In order to achieve my dream of becoming a good consultant, I need to have ample business knowledge. That is why during my free time, usually before I go to bed at midnight, I like to read business books that can broaden my knowledge. This is a habit that not only helps me to improve my knowledge and business skills, but also helps me to have a good night's rest.

Writing Feedback / The society and young people impact on it [3]

Helen, you have written a very authoritative response to the direct question posed before you. However, you need to make adjustments to your third paragraph where you say that young people are more educated and hence, have a better understanding of politic, economy, and the law. That statement is only acceptable if you make a reference to there being more educated graduates in these fields of study. Not all educated people will be proficient in terms of knowledge and skills to argue about it in those areas.

In the concluding paragraph, you did an acceptable job of summarizing the previous discussion. The only missing part? You forgot to reiterate or repeat your disagreement with the believe that young people do not influence the decision making process with regards to the future of our society. Speaking of society, do you best to not use any phrases or words from the original prompt as in when you said


You must always completely change the original presentation using different words. That is a very slight error on your part that is practically negligible but I felt a need to point out because in an actual test setting, you could be limited in the increased LR score that you can get because of an incomplete paraphrase of a statement made in the original presentation. Try to showcase your English vocabulary to increase that scoring consideration by not using the same words as the original.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2: essay discussed about teaching children, what is good and what is bad for them [3]

Baljeet, you have an unnecessary focus on crime in this discussion. The essay only asks about the degree of your agreement or disagreement with the idea that children should be punished in order to learn right from wrong. The discussion of corporal punishment (whack or spanking) is out of line as those are not specifically mentioned in the prompt. There are other forms of punishment that can be applied to children to help them learn from their mistakes.

Do not do research for this type of test. As you know, there are limitations to your computer use at the exam center. There won't be any for this pen and paper test. That is why you should always use personal experience, personal knowledge, or public opinion in the defense or support of your discussion. Do not practice a form of practice test writing that will not be available to you at the center. If you keep doing that, you will not be able to complete an essay on exam day because you are not resourceful enough to use personal analysis and discussion to complete the task.

The opening paragraph is only a paraphrase or restatement of the prompt. Do not offer any reasoning in that section because the 5 sentence limit per paragraph will not allow you to completely explain the reasoning. That is why you are taught to never do that when practicing the writing format. Instead, stop after offering your response to the question with the explanation for more supporting discussions are to follow.

The same rules apply to the personal opinion. That is supposed to be a completely developed paragraph either in the 3rd of 4th paragraph presentation. You cannot just present an agreement without a complete explanation in the paragraph. For this type of question essay where you are asked "To what extent do YOU..." the keyword that the whole essay is a one sided personal opinion paper is the pronoun reference "you". That means that the first person pronouns such as "I, me, myself" should be used in the body of paragraphs. There is no need to repeat a personal opinion in the concluding paragraph. It should only be mentioned as a reminder of your extent of agreement/disagreement with the given topic for discussion.

You clearly understand the prompt requirements. However, you over-complicated what should have been a simple discussion. Don't over-reach in your discussion by expanding the topic to areas of discussion not represented in the original prompt. Keep it basic and general in tone. That is how you can remain on point with the topic presentation and also, make sure that your reasoning is always in accordance with the prompt requirements.

Limit your writing to 275 words if you can. That is because you cannot expect to have time to edit and revise your paper when you write more than 300 words like you did here. Learn to divide the 40 minutes between all the work that has to be done. Allot no more than 20 minutes for your draft writing so that you will have at least 10 more minutes left for editing and revision.

Writing Feedback / Education for young people is important in many countries. What about illiterate adults? [3]

An Le, for starters, you are not giving the correct response in your thesis statement. Your response is not aligned with the prompt requirements because the:

Prompt Question is: To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Your Response: I argue that the government should give an equal spending on both adult illiteracy and young people.

Your response does not respond to the question being asked. You have shown that your English comprehension abilities do not extend to understanding the basic instructional concepts used in English essay writing. This misconception on your part regarding the discussion requirements led you to create your own discussion prompt, question, and response development. This is better known as a prompt deviation is always spells a disastrous score for the test takers in the end.

You got only a partially correct response to the prompt in the discussion paragraphs. This is not equivalent to a passing TA score because your prompt response in the paragraph was still incorrect as it did not deliver the correct extent response. Once the TA section does not get a passing score, it will be next to impossible for you get a score of 5 in the final scoring because you have other errors in the presentation that will further pull your overall scores down. Since this is an extent essay, you could have responded by saying that you partially agree with the statement and then offered a comparison discussion of the two sides of the issues. That would have been acceptable enough over the prompt deviation you created in your response.

This is precisely the reason why you should not write more than 275 words for a Task 2 essay. You need time to review your content and make sure that you understood the instructions and that you provided the correct answer to the question. Once you make a mistake in your response and you do not correct it, you cannot expect to pass the test. You need to deliver an appropriate response with a polished presentation in your essay response as much as possible.

Undergraduate / "I am the product of my environment" - Discover Scripps Program (fly-in); identity essay [2]

tsering, for starters, you can better meet the maximum 150 word requirement if you remove the first 5 words in this statement. It doesn't really help the essay move forward anyway because it doesn't add information to the presentation. You can start instead with the more informative second sentence. On second thought. Scratch that. Open instead with the third sentence because that is most certainly of interest to the reviewer and is definitely an attention grabbing hook that you can use to keep the reader glued to your upcoming declarations. You totally do not need to say "I am quite literally the product..." That isn't offering important of informative data about you as a person also. The rest of the essay is just perfect when it comes to informing the reader about how your whole life has contributed to who you have become and the identity you align yourself with. You have done an excellent job of informing the reader in about you in those sentences.

Writing Feedback / In most countries multinational companies and their products are becoming more and more important. [3]

Shurui, your opening paraphrase have off the proper interpretation of the prompt. This happened because you chose to discuss what you perceived to be the prompt topic in this first few sentences of the paragraph without making proper references to the original discussion. You also did not properly respond to the prompt question. Look at the comparison below to learn the errors that you made:

Original Prompt

Topic: multinational companies and their products are becoming more and more important.
Discussion Point: This trend is seriously damaging our quality of life.
Question: Do you agree or disagree?

Your Response:
Topic: Multinational companies and their products have become an integral part of people's lives
Discussion Point: Today, both manufacturing and distribution have gone global, increasing the quantity and variety of goods while driving down the price.
Response: Despite their potential threat to local environment, they improve life rather than destroying it.

Task accuracy score: 1 - Your response is not related to the task you were provided to respond to.

The minute you get a TA score of 1, you will not be able to receive a score of 5 for the essay because there are also vocabulary, paragraph discussion clarity, and sentence structure considerations to consider, all of which will not combine to make a passing score for you because of the problems your work entails in those areas. The first and foremost thing you have to prove to the examiner is that you understood the question and how to respond to it. Refer to the following example for a more proper approach to this type of question:

Multinational conglomerates and its creations have had a far reaching influence in people's lives. This direction is believed to have a ruinous effect on the condition of our lives. I tend to disagree with this statement due to several factors.

Always be clear in your thesis statements. If the questions asks you to respond with agree or disagree then use those keywords to prove that you understood the question. Don't write a long and wordy response that could lead, as it did in this instance, to a prompt deviation. To be sure, after writing the essay, make sure to double check the prompt so that you will be confident that you properly delivered the required response and discussion paragraphs.

For an agree or disagree essay, pick one side and defend it throughout the body of paragraphs. You cannot take both sides in this discussion because it is not an extent essay. It is a single opinion essay discussion only.

Writing Feedback / The measured rates of weight among residents in the Charlestown [2]

Linh, I know that you are often told that you should write as much words as you can in order to increase your scoring chances. The truth of the matter is that long essays do not equal a high score. Writing too many words, such as the 274 words that you wrote in this essay, could backfire because you do not have enough time to review your content for information accuracy, grammar usage, and sentence structure. The most efficient number of words to write, as far as I am concerned is anywhere from the minimum of 150 words up to 175 words at the most. Writing 200 words will already be a stretch because you will be sacrificing your editing time in the process. If you don't have time to polish your grammar usage and also, make sure that your paper is cohesive and coherent, then you will be taking a chance that your overall score will be low due to errors that could have been corrected before you submitted the paper. You need to make sure that you write just enough words for you to edit if necessary.

Your presentation suffers from insufficient information in the presentation. It also doesn't appropriately present a summary overview. Your comparison chart represents 2 different years for comparison based on the same criteria. This is not a versus presentation. Versus means against, opposed to, or in contrast to. In this instance, the information criteria is the same, just the measurement results changed. So the more proper term would be "comparative data" instead. A more proper summary overview for this information would have been:

2 bar charts, representing the weight of the inhabitants of Charlestown during the years of 1955 and 2015 were presented for comparison purposes. The age groups represented range from 20 - 69 years which were divided into 4 groups. The 4 comparison groups are composed of the underweight, ideal, overweight, and obese participants. The measurements were done in percentage form. The bar graphs shows that the underweight group had a downward trend while the obese group had an increasing measurement.

You need to make sure that your summary overview clearly lists the required information presentation because that will help you, as the writer, outline your presentation and make things easier for you to write. Along with that reason, is the fact that it will also help the reader get a better idea as to what your analysis will be about. The more complete your summary overview, the better your chances of receiving a higher TA score.

Do not keep repeating your trending sentence throughout the essay. That is not necessary. One mention is more than sufficient. By the way, do not use reference words that are not included in the graph. Mentioning terms like "working age", when no such reference in the graph is included tends to confuse the reader. Use only terms from the illustration. If necessary, use the specific age group mention. Do not deviate from the illustration information for TA and C&C scoring purposes.

By the way, it would be better if you can present a 4 paragraph format for your Task 1 essays as that is considered to be a better paragraph presentation. It allows you more room to develop your information presentation and also, gives you a chance to present all of the required information without making overly long, confusing, or run-on sentences as you did in this presentation.

You really showed the effort that you put into developing this Task 1 presentation and I applaud you for that. However, you made a few errors that you need correct on a permanent basis if you are to improve your presentation and scoring possibilities in the actual test. Keep writing and I will continue to guide you towards improving your work. This is an acceptable essay that makes me look forward to reading your upcoming Task 1 essays.

Undergraduate / There were many layers to the environment that I was brought up in. Apply Texas Essay [2]

Azan, I think that the reason you fell short in the discussion is because you chose to discuss 3 topics in this essay, with one topic sticking out like a sore thumb. It doesn't belong. The part that I speak of is the second paragraph. You don't have to try to represent all of the topics as presented in the original prompt. Actually, you could have just discussed one of the chosen topics in your essay and built upon that. However, I can see the connection between the 2 topics so I suggest that you better expand on the family and home presentation instead. You can totally omit the community discussion because that part of the essay doesn't really represent you well on a personal basis in the essay.

What you can do is divide the long first paragraph into 2 paragraphs. The first paragraph can be a 250 word discussion of your family. Discuss your parents. Who are they? Where did they come from? What are their hopes and dreams for you? How has their support inspired you to become a good person or achieve things in life? Then the second paragraph can be a 250 word presentation of your sibling relationship with your brother and how he has influenced your life as well. This presents a different angle of your personality, shifting from son, to sibling, to how these influences created your unique personality in the end.

This essay is all about introducing who you are based on the influence of those around you. I can sense a strong family bond and home influence in your earlier presentation that you can better expand on if you skip the community presentation. It doesn't work in the current version of your essay and will definitely not work in the revised version if you follow my suggestions above. It is better to introduce yourself as a person regardless of your race or ethnicity in this instance. The reviewer doesn't care so much about that or he would care, if you had a stronger presentation to support it in the paragraph you wrote. Since it is the weakest part of your essay, in my opinion, it would be better to not present that side at all.

Writing Feedback / Developed countries should give other types of help to the poor countries rather than financial aid [3]

Hoang, the problem you have is that you tend to begin your discussion in the first paragraph when you should only be summarizing the prompt, based on your own understanding, in that particular paragraph. If you learn how to look for the keywords in the original discussion, you will begin to figure out how to write your prompt restatement in the shortest but clearest possible manner.

In this discussion, the keywords and phrases are: Rich countries, give money to poorer countries, does not solve poverty, developed countries, other types of help, rather than financial aid, extent, agree or disagree. Based on these keywords, the following restatement can be created:

Affluent nations support impoverished nations. However, the aid does not resolve the problem of destitution in the country. That is why a suggestion has been made that other types of assistance should be given to the poor nation to resolve the problem. I partially agree with this suggestion.

Now, in your essay, you don't really explain what sort of alternative solutions are being suggested that makes you think that such a move will not be able to help the indigents of the country. You over discuss the main topic. You need to make sure that you always refer back to the original prompt as a reference point. That will help you to not over discuss the topic or stray from the topic discussion. In this essay you strayed from the original discussion and you lost your focus in the presentation.

The other way of thinking about this prompt would be: If you agree that there are other ways to help poor nations, how would you do it? Aside from financial aid, what other ways can be implemented to help poor nations?

When you write your outline try to use the following format:

Keywords / phrases
My response
Reason 1
Reason 2
Reason 3 (optional)
Concluding summary

Use only keywords in the outline. Think of what you want to say, but don't fully develop it yet. Just write the topic and related keywords that you want to discuss in that part of the paragraph. When you finish outlining, you can draft the paragraph bodies. That is when you write a more detailed version of the outline in complete sentences in a paragraph format. This should take no more than:

10 minutes - Read and understand the original prompt, find keywords / phrases in the original discussion, outline discussion and reasons
20 minutes - Write the draft essay (1 topic per paragraph, 4-5 paragraphs with 3-5 sentences each)
10 minutes - Editing, proofreading, finalization

Time total: 40 minutes

This is the format I train my students to use and they always find great benefits in doing their work this way. Writing this paper will be difficult for ESL learners because it is pen and paper based so manual corrections have to be done in terms of having to manually erase your mistakes before correcting them. That is why you should use a pencil for this part of the test. If you can quickly outline your essay, you will be able to focus on giving thought to and writing a proper draft essay with enough time to do a quick edit before submission.

Writing Feedback / Science lessons in school should be more interesting [2]

Hi Alexis. I am happy to meet you at this forum and I admire your desire to improve your written English skills. You have the potential to write in a coherent manner at all times in the language, even though your vocabulary is not at strong as it should be at the moment. Don't worry though, familiarizing yourself with the language through constant reading and watching of English programming should help fix that problem for you.

As far as this essay is concerned, it was interesting to read the later part. The earlier part lacks information to make me care or understand why this topic is important. One way to improve this essay would have been for you to present the reasons that you believe cause the students to find learning about science at school to be boring. What are the reasons they are bored by Science classes?

Additionally, you should also make suggestions regarding how Science classes can be made more interesting for the student. What activities can they undertake? What should the teachers do to make the learning process more interesting to the student? More importantly, how can the teachers explain the importance of Science to students in a manner they will remember and understand?

Overall, you have presented a good draft. It has room for improvement. When you write more practice essays, think about the arguments and opinions involved in the discussion of the topic. Use a few of those ideas when you develop your essay. Then come back here to have your work reviewed. It is the best way to develop your English writing skills.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITNG TASK 1: Attendances at hospital emergency care departments [2]

Moon, there is absolutely no way that you will be able to write 222 words in the exam center. The most you can probably write is 175-200 words owing to the need to review, revise, and finalize the essay content. The editing process should take at least 5-10 minutes of the final part of the allotted essay writing time. If you write too many words, you will run out of time. While you did present only the important information from the chart, you need to learn to write shorter but more meaningful sentences in order to increase your TA, LR, and GRA scores.

Your summary overview is not as complete as it can be. It should contain the following information:
1. Illustration type - Bar chart
2. Years for comparison - December 2016 & 2017
3. Measurement type and other survey considerations - per 1000 population , divided into 6 age groups ranging from under 5 years to over the age of 75.
4. Discussion instructions
5. Trending statement - I do not think you mean to use the term insignificant because that term means too small or unimportant to be worth paying attention to. Perhaps you meant to say "significant" instead? That term means worth of notice or highly important. In which case, you should have given a numerical description of that significant number.

As you can see from the listing, you are missing 3 parts in the presentation of the summary. I am also wondering as to where the information about the measurements coming from Northern Ireland comes from because there is nothing indicating a location in the chart. Therefore, a generic location should have been given as reference. An example of a generic location is "at an undisclosed / unnamed hospital". That makes better sense in terms of TA considerations rather than naming a location that is not in the chart. You are scored on accuracy so if the information is not in the chart, you should not mention it at all.

In the portion where you said that there was an upturn of 1, you need to indicate what that number represents. The reader doesn't have a copy of the chart so you need to explain why you analyzed an upturn of 1. Where did that uptick come from? Complete the analysis of the information in that paragraph.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1: Summary on the structure in job market in Great Britain in 1992 [5]

Hi Gordon, it is with special permission from the forum owners that I am able to give you one last piece of additional advice. In this case, I will be responding to your question. I believe that you are confusing the writing methods for the Task 1 and Task 2 essays.

A task 1 essay does not need a summary conclusion / concluding paragraph because it is an analytical report. An analytical report is a paraphrased summary of already existing information. It does not require you to make a concluding summary at the end because there is nothing to conclude. You are not given any room to present a personal opinion or observation at the end of a Task 1 essay. Your only job, as a writer of a Task 1 essay, is to summarize the findings based on the already existing report. The existing report has a trending statement, which is what indicates the possible conclusion, based upon the analyzed information, for the essay. You do not need to write a summary for the last paragraph. However, you may opt to present a 3 sentence trending statement at the end of the analysis since the trending statement can be placed anywhere in the essay paragraphs. You can say something like:

Based upon the analysis of the given information, it appears that a particular trend is emerging. The upward trend is... While the downward trend is...

The above is a sample of a stand-alone trending statement. Of course the content will vary depending upon the existing trend in the illustration you are provided. Since such a trending statement can be a bit difficult for the average exam taker to write, I always advise my students to simply write a single trending sentence that can be incorporated into the summary overview at the start of the essay. That way, a comprehensive 3 sentence presentation can be made at the start to help increase the TA score of the exam taker.

The Task 2 essay is the essay that requires a summarized last paragraph as the instructions / format for that essay indicates the need for the exam taker to properly summarize the body of paragraphs and other opinions in the discussion, while also presenting a closing sentence at the end. This is a discussion essay that requires a conclusion to be made. Task 1 does not require that as there are no opinions nor thesis statements required to be made within the analysis of the report. All you have to remember is this:

Task 1 - no conclusion
Task 2 - with a conclusion (summarized concluding paragraph for previous discussion)