Writing Feedback / Can advertising BEATS our own judgement when we buy something ? [2]

Viet, While your 2 body paragraphs contain the correct number of sentences to represent a full paragraph, your opening paraphrase and concluding summary do not. Even though you wrote 305 words in this essay, in totality, the essay remains under developed in terms of discussion presentation. You aimed for a higher word count and forgot to focus on the content of the essay, which is vastly important than the number of words that you wrote. You would have received full scoring considerations even if you only wrote the minimum 250 words. Writing the minimum word count is enough to increase your LR and GRA score. It also allows you to have extra time to further improve the content of your essay. With over 300 words, I can sense that you not only did not use a timer when writing this essay, but that you also did not proof read your work due to the sentence structure errors in the presentation.

Your opening paraphrase, though close to the original, does not properly depict a mix of simple and complex sentences. You should have divided that presentation, as well as the concluding summary, into at least 3 sentences per paragraph to meet the C&C requirements and TA considerations. This could have been written in a more effective format such as :

Consumer goods these days are said to be a reflection of the requirements of our current culture. That is why the popular items have a high selling rate. I am in total disagreement with this point of view for a number of reasons.

First....

Second...

That is why I believe that...

In the end...

Now, you are being scored heavily on your ability to fully explain your reasons per paragraph within a 5 sentence limitation. It is never wise to discuss 2 topics in one paragraph because of that ruling. When you discuss more than one topic per paragraph, you end up with the current presentation you have, little explained nor justified reasons which cannot convince the reader that your opinion is the correct one. There is a 3 topic allotment for every body of paragraph after the opening statement but before the concluding summary. Use it properly, the example I showed you indicates the correct writing format for the body paragraphs.

Your concluding statement must be a clear restatement of the prompt paraphrase, the 3 discussion points, and your opinion. That is all that is required there. You must never present a new discussion topic as you did here because you ended up with an open ended or unfinished essay presentation.

Research Papers / The Stigma of Drug Abuse- Course research essay [2]

Simone, this is a very well researched paper that is only weakened by its reliance on too many in-text citations per paragraph. In as much as the in-text citations help to increase the authority and validity of the discussion you are presenting, it makes the professor question whether you actually understood the research or if the cut and paste method was the simplest way you could think of to meet the required word count. You don't need to have a quotation or two in every paragraph. That is not a requirement in any research paper. Doing so helps you meet the word count quickly but doesn't inform the professor of your learning curve based on the given topic.

You see, a well developed research essay does not rely heavily on citations and instead, looks to the student to paraphrase or restate the information in his own understanding. By doing so, the professor comes to analyze the degree of proper interpretation of the given information, as well as the ability of the student to explain what he has learned through the research in his own words. You can still attribute the paraphrase to the original source, you will just dazzle your professor with your understanding of the work you read about and how it relates to the given discussion.

Overall, excellent work on discussing the topic through cited sources. If you have the time though, I would suggest lessening the direct quotes in order to increase your chances of getting a higher score based on your personal interpretation of information and the relevant discussion of the information in relation to the topic of drug addiction development.

Undergraduate / "TO IMPROVE IS TO CHANGE; TO BE PERFECT IS TO CHANGE OFTEN" - application essay [3]

Sofia, I do not believe that your essay properly addresses the prompt requirements as it doesn't really address the forward thinking, future looking ideas that the EHL prompt is asking you to envision. All that you have done in this essay is take information from the website and researched comments from other students and thrown it into the essay. What you have to do instead is pick out specific training programs that EHL offers and then explain how your background has prepared you for the course and how you hope to evolve in the future based on that learning. This essay more of an "what do you hope to learn and what do you hope to achieve at EHL?" prompt that anything else. Unfortunately, you don't really inform the reviewer about these information save for some highly vague references within the essay.

Basically, your essay mis-addresses the prompt so it doesn't help the reviewer get to know you based upon the information that he needs. It would be better if you write a totally new essay based upon the 2 expected information for this essay that I provided in quotes above. If you can respond completely to those 2 questions that you will be able to create a more prompt responsive essay.

Writing Feedback / The proportion of parcels delivered between FEDEX and TNT between 1920 and 2000 [2]

Erin, you have mentioned the most obvious information to be found in the line chart. However, the information you presented is incomplete. There is an overlapping point in the graph. While this is the point where Fedex flatlined in terms of growth, this point should also have been reported as the area where the two companies had equal growth and client numbers during a given time. This is a minute point of comparison that could have helped create a better report on your end.

In addition to that, your overall presentation is short by 1 paragraph. A fully developed IELTS Task 1 essay is required to have 4 paragraphs within it. You could have used the overlapping point I mentioned to create such a paragraph in this instance. Also, your summary overview is incomplete because you forgot to mention that the fluctuations being discussed were in terms of parcel deliveries. Always be specific. Specially in the summary overview where the pertinent information should be presented in terms of what it represents in the essay.

You are careless when it comes to word development. You did not even bother to proof read the essay prior to submitting it here. Spelling errors such as the proper spelling for "specific" will affect the LR score. Then improperly developed sentences such as "was suddebly broke up" will affect both the LR and GRA score for this essay. Practice proper grammar and punctuation at all times. Check yourself before submitting for a grade. You don't want to fail based on avoidable mistakes.

Writing Feedback / Popular having a year off finishing school and going to uni. Advantages and disadvantages. [3]

Thao, good work on the opening paraphrase. It was clear and depicted the instructions for the discussion in a manner that did not create stress for the reader even though the grammar was not perfect. It is too bad that you were not able to maintain the quality of the opening paraphrase in the body of paragraphs. Mistakes in grammar and presentation were all of these paragraphs.

The first problem is that your paragraphs are way too long. It is always 3-5 sentences in 3 body paragraphs. That means, you get to discuss only one topic per paragraph otherwise you end up with overly long, little explained and hard (for the reader) to remember information. All of which confuse the reader in the end and cause undue stress when they have to constantly review the paragraph before they can make sense of what you are saying. The first paragraph should have been split into 2 paragraphs since you clearly discussed 2 independent topics in that single paragraph. Do the separation for clarity sake. Your C&C score depends on it.

Now, since this is a discussion essay and not an opinion essay, you should never let the reader know that you are leaning more towards one side of the discussion. Be neutral at all times. Specially in the concluding paragraph. Do not take sides. Instead, just summarize the previous discussion points with a new paraphrase of the prompt to end the discussion.

This is definitely not a bad attempt at writing a task 2 essay. The modifications I am suggesting, when applied to your next practice test should result in a better presentation and score result for you. That is why I am looking forward to reading your next practice essay.

Writing Feedback / (Table) How money was spent in 5 different countries in 2002 [3]

Mu, while you did write 192 words for this essay, you forgot that the proper format for the essay is that of a 4 paragraph presentation composed of one summary overview, one trending sentence, and a 3 paragraph report based on the supplied information. So for this essay, the correct format is:

1. Summary overview with trending statement
2. comparison of the 5 countries under F/D/T
3. comparison based on C/F
4. comparison based on L/E

You can find a clue as to how many paragraphs you will be presenting for the report based on the division of information in the chart. Right after that, scan for comparison points such as similar percentages or equal percentages and when those occurred for reporting. If you don't see any, then you don't have to do that part of the report.

Always enumerate the countries specified after saying "5 distinct regions." You need to create a complete summary report, which includes all of the necessary information that will be discussed in the later paragraphs. The country information is part of the important, required, and necessary summary information.

You created run-on sentence in every paragraph. Remember, it's 3-5 sentence per paragraph in both the Task 1 and Task 2 essays. Separate the information into short to medium length sentences to represent simple and complex sentences. A run-on sentence is never going to be considered a complex sentence.

You also need to familiarize yourself with how the natives of these countries call themselves:
1. Ireland = Irish
2. Italy = Italians
3. Spain - Spaniards
4. Sweden = Swedes
5. Turkey = Turks

Such proper referrals to the citizens of the country will help to increase your LR score because you will be using it in the proper context.

Writing Feedback / Free higher education for poor people [3]

Tien, you need to familiarize yourself with the various types of Task 2 essay question formats. These questions require a specific type of response for every instruction given. For this essay, you were being asked for the degree of your agreement or disagreement on the given topic. This is not a conversational opinion discussion. This is an academic debate where only one side needs to be provided in the discussion based on given instructions. You approached this from a regular opinion discussion rather than an academic debate so you did not properly address the prompt requirements. Even your paraphrase is off the mark because you did not do a mere restatement of the prompt but instead, offered an immediate discussion of the topic. By the way, avoid using exaggerated terms like debate, controversial issue, and similar terms. The IELTS Task essay is always a discussion, nothing more, nothing less.

For your reference, the proper prompt paraphrase for this should be:

There are members of the public who believe that a college education is something that everyone should have the opportunity to have. They also believe that the government should provide this without charges regardless of the student's ability to pay. I disagree with this opinion for a number of reasons.

An extent essay is not the same as a comparative essay. All Task 2 essays are single opinion reasoning essays unless you read the instruction "discuss both points of view" in the original prompt instruction sentence. Therefore, you reasoning in this essay is not compliant with the requirements for this task. If this were an actual test, you would only get a partial score based on the portions of the essay that adhere to the prompt instructions.

Being a reviewer who is self-studying, you will be doing yourself a favor if you review the other sample Task 2 essays at this forum. This will help you become familiar not only with the topics that might come up, but also the various ways that the essays are discussed. You will also learn a lot about how to properly approach these essays by reading the advice given to the writer for his improvement. Use the knowledge you will be learning by applying it to your own essay interpretations of the same or similar topics and instructions.

Writing Feedback / The question is whether or not motorized flight is the greatest invention ever [3]

Ho, your confusion in developing sentence structure and thinking in English is very evident in this essay. I mean, in the TA section you said you completely disagree and yet your actual discussion shows your partial agreement with the statement provided. Then, you proceeded, in paragraph 3 to discuss a totally unrelated to motorized flight topic under scientific and technological evolutions. These create the impression that your overall discussion is only partially correct when considering the topic you were given to discuss. Had you instead said "I partially agree / disagree" rather than "completely agree", then your discussion would have been more appropriate and accurate for the task set forth.

I also observed that you have a tendency to use researched information as the basis of your opinion. Please practice using personal opinion, logic, and publicly known information instead. Do not get used to doing research in order to respond to the given task because there will not be any internet access at the testing center. If you practice using the wrong exam setting, you will panic on exam day when the tools you got used to using are not available to you for the essay writing part.

To be fair to you, I will not grade this essay because you did not use the exam room set up when you wrote it. I will instead, await your second essay, which you will hopefully write with the suggestions above considered, and I will score that instead. You have made a typical beginners mistake and should be given a chance to prove your writing skills using the proper setting before a score is given for a practice run.

Writing Feedback / The historical data about wheat exports over three different parts of the world [3]

Ngo, you have not delivered a complete summary overview. You only have a partial introduction to the topic when the summary overview requires you to indicate:

1. The topic for discussion
2. Inclusive dates of comparison
4. Graph and Measurement type
5. Areas where data was gathered from
6. Trending statement.

You could have better presented the essay in the following manner:

Data regarding wheat exports covering a 5 year period from 1985-1990 are the points for review in the given line graph. The 3 zones for review are Australia, Canada, and the European community. The measurements are given in tonnes. The trend for the graph at the end of 5 years indicates a slowing of exports in Australia but a faster rate of export for Canada and the European community.

This is a 4 paragraph essay with the opening summary usually clocking in at 3 sentences as exemplified above. The rest of the paragraphs will also benefit from a better GRA and C&C score if you aim to write 3-5 sentences each as well. Don't write more than 150 words because you still need to leave time to edit and revise the information in the paper.

The summary overview will help to prove that your TA presentation are on track with the given information. For C&C accuracy, you need to follow the same format for the opening summary as well. All related information should be summarized for presentation at the top of the paragraphs for Task 1 essays. In task 2 essays, the summary is placed in the concluding paragraph.

What do you mean by a "reserve tendency" ? If there no such term indicated in the original graph then that information should not be indicated in the report. You are aiming for information accuracy here so don't change terms nor add information that isn't required / represented in the graph. That will cost you deductions in TA considerations.

While information can be placed in any order in the report, it is best for your C&C score if you present the data in chronological order. That means, going by a year by year comparison. That means, 1986 should not have been placed at the bottom of the essay because the information there directly relates to the 1987 data. The chronological listing will allow you to prove cohesiveness and connections within your paragraph presentation which will help to increase your score due to the logical presentation of your report.

When one considers the grammar and sentence issues in your presentation along with other concerns, Your baseline score will be anywhere within the 5 and upward range but definitely not a 6.

Writing Feedback / The higher number of young adults in a society has more advantages [3]

Felicia, your essay is only 231 words. That is 19 words short of the minimum word count of 250. I hope that your instructor has informed you that when you write less than 250 words, you risk getting an automatic failing score in the essay. You did a good job in staying on point by discussing only the point of view that you support. However, you failed to write enough words to justify a passing score. Your paragraphs are extremely long in terms of sentence presentation, but do not really fully explain the point of the topic sentence for that paragraphs. Further explanations were required in order to clarify your point of view and fully convince the reader that your opinion is the correct one. had you written at least 3 sentences for your opening paraphrase and your concluding summary, you would have met the minimum word count and scored better in terms of TA and C&C considerations.

Your GRA suffered because you did not accurately represent simple and complex sentences in the paragraphs. Try to avoid using commas to connect your thoughts or differing ideas within one sentence. That way you can fully explain yourself. Avoid presenting 2 ideas in one paragraph such as in the second paragraph where you discuss the work ability of the elderly then suddenly present the idea that innovation comes from the younger generation. Those are 2 different topics that should have been presented as such in paragraph form. One paragraph, one topic.

Writing Feedback / Task 2: state-of-art-technology is changing the way we learn [5]

Minh, all of your paragraphs do not fully explain the reasoning behind your topic sentences. You need to be able to better explain yourself in order to help the reader better understand what you are trying to say. For example, in the third paragraph, you speak of how the Ivy league universities have online courses published. Rather than speaking of the publication, you should have spoken of how they have correspondence courses online instead. This would tie in with your last sentence about allowing people in remote areas where the education level is low to complete their education.

Being a single opinion essay, you must refrain from making mention of the other side of the discussion that runs counter to your opinion. There is no need to confuse the reader by introducing a non-related topic that you will not be able to fully explain nor connect with your opinion.

Now, your thesis statement became confusing because you are speaking of the "former" topic in the essay when there was only one topic and opinion presented. In this instance, you should have simple said that you strongly disagree with the statement provided.

Writing Feedback / More and more burden over young people with the expectations in the modern world [2]

Huynh, my style of helping students who as for a score is to score you on an individual basis so that I can fully explain how you made the mistake and how you can fix it. Based on this essay, I can see your potential as an writer and the problems you currently have which you need to address.

Let me start by saying that you need to understand the difference between an ordinary opinion essay and a direct opinion essay. The IELTS test Task 2 is always a single opinion essay unless varied by 2 methods. The first variation is the "compare and contrast" essay and the other, is the "direct question , direct response" essay. The prompt you were provided with falls under the latter description. So, where is the problem then with your essay?

A direct response / opinion essay requires you to immediately start the discussion in the opening paraphrase by allowing you to outline the 3 discussion points that you wish to present in the body of paragraphs. Here lies the difference with the other task 2 essays which do not allow you to begin the opinion discussion in the first paragraph. In the direct question essay, your must outline your response as part of your thesis statement in relation to its positioning in the body paragraphs presentation. The format that you followed here was the one for the ordinary essay opinion discussion. Please remember this difference for your future reference.

Now for the scoring section of your essay. My scoring for this will be as follows:

TA - 5 - you present relevant ideas in the discussion but these ideas are not totally threshed out in the presentation. The reasoning presented is limited in scope and does not always connect within the overall discussion. Using more transition sentences at the end of the paragraphs should help resolve this issue. Make sure that all of the discussion points presented in the prompt are appropriately responded to.

C&C - 5 - You need to learn to develop your discussions in a more believable manner. The best way to do this is by presenting a singular discussion topic per paragraph. That way you have 4 sentences with which to fully explain yourself and why you support such a statement. What I read in this essay are all reference points for discussions which were never fully developed for the benefit of the reader. The reasoning is weak and the supporting statements require further explanations.

LR - 5 - There are errors in your word formation and usage which affect the timeline (tense presentation) in the essay. This makes it very difficult for the reader to make sense of your paragraphs.

GRA - 5 - your grammatical errors stemming from inappropriate word usage and sentence formation problems. You do not really have a proper mix of simple and complex sentence structures. Long sentences (run-on) that combine 2 ideas in one statement, separated by commas make it difficult to keep track of the message of the sentences and create forgettable paragraphs. This creates confusion for the reader who cannot remember what the discussion topic and reasons were all about.

Please remember that there is a 3 sentence minimum with a 5 sentence maximum per paragraph presentation. Do not try to include too many ideas in your discussion if you wish to create an understandable and memorable essay discussion.

Research Papers / Advantages of Electric Vehicles - English 102 class [2]

Brian, why do you keep saying "reviled" which means to criticize in an abusive or angrily insulting manner? I am sure that you mean to use the term "revealed" which means to make (previously unknown or secret information) known to others. Remember, you are writing an academic research paper so you must make sure to use the correct terms because, whether your professor admits it or not, you are also being scored on grammar accuracy and range in these research papers. If you confuse the professor who is reading your paper, he will most likely give you a low score in the final grading because of the stress you caused him in terms of understanding your paper.

Seriously, you have more than several grammatical errors in this paper, aside from repeated terms that you need to edit and revise. Rather than using an online software to check your grammar (those online sites steal your paper), you should instead try using Microsoft Word 360 which comes with a built in editor and grammar checker to help you review and revise the grammatical presentation of your paper. Or, you can have a professional editor correct your paper for a minimal fee. If you opt to use a professional editing service, you can look into our editing services by clicking on our Services link above.

Your paper is informative and well researched. The problem is that you need to edit the paper for content, try to create shorter presentations per paragraph and don't jump around in your presentations. Use transition sentences to introduce the next topic for discussion in the next paragraph. Outline your presentation first so that you keep all related discussions in a chronological manner.

Speaking of a chronological manner, I would like to call your attention to the first paragraph of your paper. I don't get a clear sense of the discussion topic nor a possible outline of the discussions that will be forthcoming in it. Rather than introducing the topic and discussion points to the reader first, you immediately launched into a discussion of a topic that only you are familiar with. You even broke the academic rules by using citations immediately in your opening paragraph. Normally, the citations come in the 2nd paragraph onwards. The first paragraph, being the introduction does not require factual information discussion yet. You are just setting up the discussion at that point.

Undergraduate / |Common App| Caltech Essay - Scientific exploration clearly excites you [4]

Sayan, your essay doesn't really respond to the prompt properly. The best part of this essay that addresses the prompt requirement is located in the 3rd paragraph. The mention of the Caltech Jet Propulsion Lab ties in directly with the required response. All you have to do, is indicate your academic and professional goals in relation to it. So, focus your discussion on the JPL and your dream of becoming an astronaut one day. Talk about what breakthroughs you hope to make as a scientist in the field of jet propulsion that you hope will one day qualify you for a NASA program. Think of what your future dreams and aspirations are, then look at the classes, programs, and training that Caltech offers. Tie everything together in your presentation and you should have a more adequate response to the prompt created at the end of it.

You should have at least 4 paragraphs in this essay covering the following:
1. An introduction of your professional goals and ambitions
2. A clear idea of how a Caltech education can make it a reality
3. A reference to how you will spend your time achieving these academic and professional goals as a student
4. A final statement reiterating that you hope to achieve more than that as a Caltech student in the long run

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2- Government should pay one of the parents of very young children to stay at home [4]

imchang, , in order to make sure that you stay within the advisable word count of 250-300 words in this essay, it would be best for you to write the essay using a timer. Set the timer for 30 minutes, which is the allotted time for this test, then begin the outlining, drafting, and finalization process. By using a timer during the practice run, you will be able to better assess your weaknesses when it comes to sentence and paragraph development. If you find that you do not leave 5-10 minutes towards the end for editing and revision purposes, then you are writing too many words or, you are slow in developing your discussion. Based on your timing situation, you will be able to make adjustments to your writing process with the upcoming practice essays.

By the way, stay as close to the prompt as possible in your paraphrases in order to get a more accurate prompt paraphrase. Learn to tell the difference between a discussion and controversy or debate. Task 2 essays are always discussions, never controversies or debates. Do not exaggerate the presentation process because this can adversely affect your TA score.

Don't get me wrong though, your essay is well thought out and explained. It is just that you are not following the appropriate presentation format and you are not properly timing yourself during the exercise. If you do not learn to write within the limits of time, you may overshoot during the actual test and end up with a half written essay when the time is up. That will cost you major points in the final scoring of the actual test.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 - The increasing influence of the young generation [5]

Tran, the immediate problem that I saw with your essay is that it is not as close to the original as it should be because you focused on beginning the discussion of your response rather than familiarizing the reader with the prompt discussion and its related questions first. Let me show you a sample of a more applicable paraphrase.

The rise of the current generation of youth in terms of control and impact in the 21st century when compared to the past eras of young people has created a question regarding this growing trend. I believe that this is happening because... Therefore, the impact it has between the previous generation and the current young generation is...

Do not use 2 topics in one paragraph. Your first topic will always be better developed than the second topic because these share a 5 sentence maximum count. Focus on a proper explanation of one topic in one paragraph. You have a total of 3 body paragraphs allotted for your discussion. Maximize its use by discussing one topic per paragraph, you will create a better explanation and presentation for each reason. In this essay, you discussed 2 topics in the second paragraph and I found myself unsettled by the way that your reasoning was portrayed as uneven and incomplete in the said paragraph.

Your concluding paragraph is not an appropriate concluding summary because you added a new topic for discussion at the end of it.


This created an open ended rather than concluded final essay paragraph instead. Use the concluding paragraph in the proper manner, that of a concluding summary that highlights the discussion points and a restatement of the prompt and your opinion in a newly worded manner as the closing sentences instead.

Writing Feedback / IELTS- THE VARIETY OF MUSIC IN THE WORLD TODAY [4]

Try to remain between 250 and 300 words for this type of essay. You need to leave ample time to make any necessary changes to your essay during the revision period in order to increase your possible final score. When you write over 300 words, your tendency will be to run out of time to proof read and adjust your content. That will be a disservice to yourself because you are risking getting a failing score in an effort to simply showcase your language know how. You are not being scored on the amount of English words you know, you are being scored on proper word usage and your ability to create understandable English sentences in paragraph form.

You have a tendency to try and get around the GRA simple and complex sentence presentations by instead presenting final sentences which are extremely long and reliant on the term "and" to connect 2 separate thought processes in the essay. This creates run-on sentences which will lower your GRA score and also, adds to the incoherence and non-cohesiveness of your paragraphs. The last sentence of every paragraph should be considered for use as a transition sentence into the next topic for discussion whenever possible. This will increase your cohesiveness score.

Your discussion is well thought out but sometimes misses in terms of appropriate presentation in the paragraphs. You need to learn to develop sentences with more applicable structures in order to create proper simple and complex sentences within the paragraph. Write less words but make sure that your essay will be clearly understood, on a per paragraph basis by the reader. These simple instructions should suffice to help you improve your writing skills at its current intermediate level.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Equal numbers of boys and girls in every course of an university? [6]

@hyperephania when you are writing an extent essay, it becomes easier to write your response when you only have to defend one side of the given discussion. When you try to write about supporting both sides, you end up not really knowing what to write and even worse, you end up writing more than the number of words suitable for editing within the given time limitations.

It is precisely because of this reason that I always advise my students to really just choose one side to defend using a "total" agreement / disagreement scenario. As a writer, it becomes easier for you to brainstorm and draft your response when you need to focus on only one discussion and its supporting reasons. That way your 3 body paragraph becomes clearer and more cohesive in content. The 3 body paragraph can be set up as :

1. Reason 1 public opinion in support of your stance
2. Reason 2 personal explanation in support of your opinion
3. Example that portrays a strong supporting reason for your agreement / disagreement

Do not try to provide examples in every paragraph. One solid example as a stand alone paragraph will not only help you meet the word count, but also allow you to better develop your explanations in the first 2 paragraphs.

Writing Feedback / Some people think that employers should not strict on their employees dress code. Agree or disagree? [3]

Felicia, your response is more appropriate for an extent essay that uses the basis of "I partially agree" as the thesis statement. In this essay, you are being asked to support a singular point of view. There is a choice that is being given in the prompt statement. Do you agree or disagree? In an opinion essay of this type you must choose only one opinion to support due to the limitations presented by the C&C considerations.

You can tell the single opinion essay apart from the two point of view essay because of the prompt discussion instructions. The minute you see the word "OR" between agree and disagree, that is a single opinion essay. When you read the instruction "Discuss both points of view", that is when you should write an essay in the presentation style that you used for this essay.

The reason you need to pick one opinion for this essay is simple, you cannot support sides of the discussion without having a more dominant support for one side. It is the more dominant discussion side that the examiner is interested in reading about. That is because you are being given a chance to focus only on one topic for presentation so that you can improve your overall score based on the 4 scoring considerations.

By the way, the opening paraphrase and concluding summary are still considered as part of the C&C scoring so you still need to present at least 3 sentences, but no more than 5 sentences in those paragraph presentations otherwise you lose points for not following the proper format for paragraphs in the essay test.

Writing Feedback / WEALTHY NATIONS SHOULD SHARE WITH THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES [4]

Ebab, this is a direct question essay that asks you to pick one opinion in response to the question. Every time you see the word OR in the original prompt that is an indicator that it is a single opinion discussion essay. In this case, it is a single opinion response to a direct question. Speaking of the original prompt, your paraphrasing is unclear. You said "third world countries" when these are the very countries that require help. The correct term would have been "first world countries" as the affluent countries that give aid is oftentimes described as "first world". The proper paraphrase for this is:

A discussion regarding foreign aid to poorer nations has been taking for some time now. Some countries believe that the first world countries are duty bound to help the third world nations when it comes to basic necessities such as food and education. My personal take on this matter is that the poor nation's government has the full responsibility of making sure their citizens have access to their basic needs.

Make sure that your opening statement is an accurate depiction of the original discussion statement and instructions. If you change any reference, you will end up changing the prompt discussion and such mistakes can cause you to fail the TA scoring section. In this instance, you used the term third world to refer to the first world countries, that would have affected not only your TA score but your LR score as well because you are misusing a term, proving that your English vocabulary is not only limited, but that you do not understand the meaning of English terms either.

Your disclaimer is useless to us as reviewers because in an actual test, you are expected to use factual popular information, you cannot make things up. You have to prove that you have a working knowledge of current events as well as part of the TA considerations. For your next practice tests, use popular information in a manner that shows how you best understand the discussion topic and your ability to discuss it in English.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Why do people learn a foreign language? Show the reasons. [7]

@hyperephania you are writing too many words. You have a total of 315 words which tells me that you focused more on just writing for the sake of proving your vocabulary skills rather than focusing on the more important coherence and cohesiveness of your paragraphs. Having read your complete essay, I saw that you created several run-on sentences of different ideas that mix together in one sentence. This creates undue stress for the reader as it becomes difficult to follow the train of thought in your paragraph presentation.

It is always best to write between 250-300 words, with 250 (the minimum) being the ideal number as this allows you ample time and opportunity to write, revise, and edit your work prior to submission for scoring. Sure, you wrote a lot of words, but you sacrificed the clarity and content of your presentation for the LR score. What good is scoring well in one section when your essay will suffer point deductions in the remaining areas for consideration? Writing more words will never guarantee you a passing score in the Task 2 or Task 1 essay.

By the way, the instruction for this essay requires you to discuss both points of view using public opinion first and then offer a discussion of your personal opinion. That is why your assumption that you should not discuss your personal opinion is incorrect. The instructions require you to discuss your personal opinion AFTER you discuss the two points of view, based on public opinion and using a comparison presentation. The final decision as to which of the two points of view is correct will be based on your supporting statement located within your opinion paragraph.

Here is my take on what your possible scores might be:

TA - 6 - you were not really accurate in covering the total discussion
C&C - 5 - you don't really develop all of the discussions you present in each paragraph
LR - 6 - adequate vocabulary although the usage of the words are not always accurate
GRA - 5 - run-on sentences are predominant in your paragraphs.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - large number of children play computer games - how it may affect them? [6]

Franciane, this being a 5 paragraph comparative essay needs to be better threshed out than the way that you currently have it. You have written about the advantage and disadvantage in a single paragraph with multiple discussion points indicated. Don't lose focus of the main C&C requirement which is that a paragraph needs to have one topic sentence at the start and supporting sentences following it.

The main problem that you have is that you are not focusing on trying to explain yourself in this essay. My guess is that you have been watching the clock too much to make sure that you do not go overtime. That is why your sentences are scattered and little developed. You do not have to watch the clock if you just remember to write 1 topic sentence and 4 sentences after that. A total of 5 sentences. One you write 5 lines / sentences you can consider it a complete paragraph and move on to the next one. Don't forget to use the transition sentence at the end of the paragraph to introduce the next topic and paragraph. The way you can best remember this is probably in this equation:

5 sentences + 5 paragraphs = time to edit

Editing of the paper is very important. It helps you to clarify your thought process and presentation and also gives you the chance to correct any errors in sentence development, structure, and spelling.

Writing Feedback / Studying alone is the best way. Agree or disagree? [5]

Nghi, since the prompt thesis asked you to consider whether you agree OR disagree with the statement provided, you were expected to deliver one opinion with a complete body of paragraphs that would support your opinion based on reasons stemming from 3 sources:

1. Public opinion
2. Personal opinion
3. Supporting examples that justify both the public and personal opinion

In a straight opinion essay, signified by the "choice" word "or", you need to be able to explain the reason why you support a single stance on the topic. This is never to be discussed as a contrasting essay because that is not the instruction you were provided with. A contrast essay will be indicated by the instruction "discuss both..." In this instance, the question you have to respond to is "agree OR disagree". Just like in real life, when you are faced with choices, you can only choose one. It is kind of like being asked "Do you want to study in your country or abroad?" You respond; "I want to study abroad." See? You made one choice because you cannot study both in your country and abroad. The same goes for this type of essay question.

Writing Feedback / Spending large sums of money on constructing new railway lines for very fast trains between cities [5]

Gloria, there is a 250 minimum word count for the Task 2 essay. You wrote only 244 words which will result in a severe points deduction for your essay. You will not score well in the C&C and GRA categories as the presentation of each paragraph in your essay is under-developed and little coherent due to the lack of words and sentences per paragraph.

In addition to that, you did not follow all of the instructions for the writing of this essay. This is a comparative opinion essay. That means, "Discuss both points of view and give your own opinion." In this essay, you only provided you point of view in the essay. You made this clear with your thesis statement that said, "In my opinion..." Which is in direct contradiction to the original instructions. Therefore, your essay will only be scored for a portion of the response, which is the personal opinion portion. Unfortunately, that may not be enough to gain you a passing score because of the existing LR, C&C, and GRA problems in your essay. Due to these 2 problems, I will not score this essay. I will wait for a better essay to score. One that has the correct word count and is more prompt responsive / follows the instructions given for the discussion.

Writing Feedback / (Bar charts) The weight measurements of people living in Charlestown [5]

@hyperephania your presentation is lacking a trending statement and proper summary overview. This is not a comparison chart covering 60 years. It is a comparison chart of the years 1955 and 2015. There is a big difference between a 60 year comparison chart and a yearly comparison chart. If this were a 60 year comparison chart, the decades covering 60 years would have been indicated in the chart. That is not what is indicated so your statement is inaccurate. Since you are writing a paraphrase of the chart report, you need to make sure that your information is accurate because if it isn't, then you can and will fail the test.

With that said, I have to say that this is a poorly written essay as you have it presented. The reason? You are not using the data in the chart appropriately. For every percentage measurement, there is a corresponding age range indicated. Yet you do not mention the facts that cover the age completely. Rather, you just refer to middle age and old age or people after their 20's. Again, use the data in the chart. How can you be expected to present a proper analysis of the provided information if you do not present the information to the reader? If you cannot use the data provided, the report you are providing becomes questionable and cannot be used by the reader as an authoritative source of information. Where are the main features? Where are the comparisons of information as based on the data presented?

The task 1 essay also requires 4 paragraphs of at least 150 words to be considered fully developed and complete in presentation. Even though you wrote 198 words, you did not really analyze the essay and present the information in a manner that would have helped to increase your scoring considerations in the TA, C&C, and GRA sections. I will avoid scoring your essay for now because I know that you can do better than this and I hope to see marked improvement in your presentation in the next task 1 practice essay.

Writing Feedback / The view that businesses should have the duty with community beside their aim to make profit [2]

Tran, please keep in mind that the C&C scoring section of the task will be based on a complete paragraph presentation of 3-5 sentences. Regardless of whether this is an opening or concluding paragraph. Therefore, you need to make sure that your paragraphs meet the minimum and maximum requirements. While you did meet the requirements in your presentation, you used extremely long sentences connected by commas to connect your ideas. Long sentences and run-on sentences are not equal to a complex sentence presentation. Do not make the sentence presentations too long as it could be considered a run-on sentence and be scored down in terms of GRA considerations.

Additionally, you should only discuss one topic per paragraph, making sure to fully develop the discussion in order to get a better C&C score. Coherence and cohesiveness is all based on the number of sentences and the strength and clarity of your explanation. That is why you have to limit yourself to only one topic per paragraph. With 5 sentences allotted per paragraph, there is no room for a full 2 topic discussion.

Now, to deal with the major problem of the essay. This is an extent, single opinion essay. While you gave an appropriate response for your thesis statement, you took the compare and contrast discussion route in the body of paragraphs, which is the wrong approach to this essay. Whenever you see the word "or" in the prompt, that means you can only discuss one side of the topic in the essay. Otherwise your essay will only be scored on a partial basis, focusing on the "extent" response that you presented. This mistake often results in a less that stellar score for the exam taker. Unless you are told to "discuss both points of view", you should not be writing about both sides in the essay.

Based on the paragraph related to your thesis statement, you could have had a very good chance of getting an impressive score with this essay. If you had only discussed it in the proper manner / format. Remember, unless directed to do so in the original prompt, all Task 2 essays must be discussed from the singular point of view.

Writing Feedback / To Make Public Education Better in S.Korea [2]

Chaeun, is this supposed to be a research paper or an opinion paper? I am confused as to what sort of paper this is supposed to be because of the relaxed discussion that you presented throughout. An academic paper needs to maintain a professional academic tone at all times. Your paper also has a lack of clarity at the start. You left the reader with a number of questions such as:

1. What was the practicum about?
2. Where was it done?
3. How does it relate to the thesis statement of the essay?
4. What is the thesis statement for this research paper / essay?

The opening paragraph needs to prepare the reader for the discussion. Introduce it properly by setting up your foundation for the discussion. The guide questions above can help you get started with that.

There is a lack of clarity in your discussion. This is not the kind of paper that will be effectively helped by your light hearted anecdotes. There is a time and place for that. This essay is neither the time nor place for your anecdotes. Rather, the paper must be a serious look at the state of education in South Korea. Use your story of frustration as a commentary on the state of teacher's jobs in the country instead of making it a complaint about how your mentor did not have time for you. Show heart. Speak of feeling pity for your overworked mentor. Show that the overworked teachers are one of the main reasons that the quality of education in South Korea isn't as high as it can be.

My advice to you is this; outline your points for discussion first then list the subtopics underneath. Revise the essay in that manner. Read the completed draft and look for the unclear portions (of which this essay has many) and revise it for clarity and cohesiveness. Try to make sure that the paper moves flawlessly from one topic paragraph to another. It is important that the reader is prepared for the change in discussion directions per paragraph in order to avoid confusion. Do these things before you submit this paper and you should be able to clean it up and get a decent grade for it.

Writing Feedback / Similarity and Difference between Child and Adult Language Acquisition [2]

Chaeun, the major problems that I see with this research paper stem from the non-academic tone that you have taken in writing the content. As a research paper, the writer is often advised to stay away from first person pronouns such as I and we as this presents a first person point of view instead of a non-bias academic and data driven research presentation. Avoiding the use of any pronoun in a research paper is better for your writing because it allows you to present an objective point of view from both sides of the discussion.

Now, the claims you are making in the paper are good and obviously based on properly researched documents. The problem, is that you lack both an in-text citation for your paraphrased comments and there are not block citations to help strengthen your explanations. You also failed to present a list of sources at the end, which means that your paper has problematic sources and as such, will be questionable in content.

In addition to these problems, you also did not present a clear thesis statement in your opening paragraph. You need to open the paper with a proper explanation of the topic you are going to be discussing, why this discussion is important, what specific question you hope to respond to and what response you look forward to presenting to your reader.

The research paper unto itself is engaging and educational. However, for an academically researched presentation, there are a number of writing and citing rules that you have to follow in order to make the grade as a college student. By the way, avoid capitalizing words that are not proper nouns in your paragraphs. That is an academic writing violation as only the starting word of every sentence and proper nouns may be capitalized in a paragraph presentation.

Writing Feedback / Relocation to cities in order to look for a job. [3]

@ismigyul you have the right idea regarding the discussion for this essay topic but you have the wrong approach for it. One of the mistakes you made was that your opening paraphrase did not accurately paraphrase the topic, as in simply restating it in your own words, and it also lacks a thesis statement at the end. For some reason, you used the thesis sentence as the topic sentence for your first body paragraph. A more appropriate paraphrase with thesis statement would be similar to:

As more people move to the city to work, the agricultural landscape has less and less people working in it. Due to this trend, society may tend to experience several problems such as traffic congestion and rising cost of housing. These are problems that the government can solve by taking adequate measures to address the situation. One possible solution is to strengthen the local regulations regarding housing and traffic.

Since this is a direct response essay, it will be best to offer an outline of the discussion as part of your prompt paraphrase and thesis statement. That way, you not only present a outline of the discussion, but you also offer a overview of what the content of the body of paragraphs will be.

Now, with regards to your body of paragraphs, you are not really discussing the topics that you present in the paragraph. You are only mentioning it without proper reasoning and supporting examples. If you wish to show a stronger defense of your discussion, stick to the one topic per paragraph discussion. Strengthen the discussion with supporting reasons and exemplifications for the single topic you presented alone. That way you can fully present a coherent and cohesive thought process.

Try to expand your concluding summary to at least 3 sentences in every essay that you write. Remember, you need to summarize the body of discussion along with the prompt restatement and your thesis statement at the end. In this instance, your single sentence presentation doesn't really close the essay on a strong note. It feels little to not developed at all in terms of discussion presentation.

Graduate / Details of received academic prizes and awards during my tertiary studies [2]

Haniye, the essay that you wrote is technically excellent in the sense that you gave direct responses to the required discussion. Now, while you are technically brilliant so that you receive these scholarships, you failed to explain to the reviewer why these scholarships were important to you, what you had to do accomplish in order to qualify for the scholarship, and how you worked towards achieving these accomplishments.

Your essay is too cut and dried to the point of being boring to read. Use the prompt to showcase the kind of student you are, what lengths you will go through to achieve success, and how you use these opportunities once you receive them. Show your human side in relation to these academic accomplishments. The reviewer will be highly interested in learning about that.

Try to portray the reasons why you needed the scholarships and explain the kind of student you are which helped you qualify for the scholarships. Right now, I can tell that you needed the financial support to continue studying. However, as a reviewer, I also need to know how you qualified for these scholarships. You always speak of the moments after you won the scholarship. The reviewer also needs to see the before scenario in order to gain a better picture of who you are as a person, student, and scholar.

Revise the essay in totality to make it softer and allow it to show your human side in relation to your academic accomplishments.

Writing Feedback / Has knowledge about the past value for those of us living today? [3]

imchang, , your response to the essay is right on the mark. However, your extent response is not appropriate. You are not being asked about which side you might want to support in your argument. The word "prone" does not indicate an extent of support for a specific topic. Rather, the word prone indicates, by definition, someone likely to or liable to suffer from, do, or experience something, typically something regrettable or unwelcome. So the term you chose to represent your extent response is wrong. From the way I read your body of paragraphs though, I believe that your extent response should have been, "I totally disagree with the given statement for several reasons."

Now, about your body paragraphs. You need to be consistent in your sentence count. Bear in mind that the minimum sentence count is 3 and the maximum sentence count per paragraph is 5. You were consistently over the maximum word count in each paragraph. In such instances, consider starting a new topic paragraph instead of trying to discuss everything in one paragraph. By presenting one topic per paragraph you will increase your chances of scoring better in the C&C and GRA sections.

Save for these observations of mine, you wrote a pretty impressive essay that shows off your English comprehension skills. You fully understood the discussion requirements but floundered a bit in your early presentation and paragraph formatting.

Writing Feedback / TEACHING CHILDREN THE LITERATURE THEIR OWN COUNTRY - OTHER COUNTRIES [3]

Nana, it is evident that you have misunderstood the prompt you were provided for discussion. The prompt instruction is not asking you for a comparison discussion. It is asking for a single opinion discussion based on your agreement or non-agreement with the statement. There is no middle ground in a single opinion essay such as this one. You have to pick one side and defend it. Unless you are allowed to "discuss both points of view" by the original instruction, you should not do so. Let me outline the error in your response below:

Original thesis question: Do you agree or disagree?
Your Response: I also believe that studying foreign literature is equally fundamental.

The question posed in the original thesis is based upon the discussion topic: Some people believe that it is more important to teach children the literature of their own country than other countries.

Therefore, the appropriate response in your thesis sentence in this instance would have been:

I do not agree / I disagree with the given statement for several reasons.

You must always respond to the question using the given response parameters in the original prompt / instruction. When you do not do that, you end up straying from the original discussion point. So if you are asked to agree or disagree, then use one of the two keywords to respond in order to remain on track with your discussion. In this instance, you were not being asked what you believe in, you were being asked if you agreed or disagreed with the given statement. I am sure you can see how you strayed from the original topic for discussion based on your mistaken response.

You are not responding to the prompt at all. Instead, you have created your own topic for discussion which will be considered a prompt deviation in an actual setting. Again, this is a single opinion essay discussion. You neither provided a single opinion nor discussed the prompt based on the given instructions.

Writing Feedback / Causes and measures to overcome overweight. [4]

Jea, your language is confusing in this essay. It leaves the reader feeling stressed and confused about what you wish to say. Your C&C and GRA score for this essay may be very low because of the coherence and sentence structure problems of the paragraphs you presented.

Since this is a direct question essay, the opening paraphrase should include a direct response to each topic posed for discussion. My take on this would be similar to something like this:

Weight gain is an ever increasing health problem in today's society. In my opinion, the two causes of this problem are psychological stresses of everyday life combined with the fast food lifestyle that people enjoy today. Therefore, the solution to the weight problem is related to the two causes. There are a number of solutions that can be used to address this situation.

If you create a connection between the psychological stress, such as having a limited amount of time to eat while at work and having a heavy workload, then the solution relating to stress management and healthy eating would be easier understood by the reader. Connect the two topics to the solution using a transition sentence or paragraph. Outline the discussion before you write the draft essay.

A few confusing statements make the essay problematic to understand:


You mean ... that cause weight gain are unhealthy for the body.


... of accessibility to fast food.


... and educating...

Be more careful of the way you develop your sentences. Make sure your message is clear in every paragraph. Remember, what may sound right in your native tongue may not come across in a clear manner in translated English.

Graduate / I feel a sense of pride in being so closely associated with the field of computer science. MS SOP [3]

Vinay, are you writing a personal statement or a statement of purpose? The reason I am asking is because paper that you wrote does not qualify as a statement of purpose due to the content you shared in it. Rather, it contains information that is better suited for a personal statement presentation. This is not an essay that you can use for the statement of purpose as it does not meet the guidelines regarding information to be presented in the essay. You need to write a new statement of purpose that will better reflect the required information. Here is a guideline of questions that can help you write a more proper version of the statement of purpose (per paragraph).

1. Indicate your college course. List any accomplishments during this time. Discuss your college thesis. Explain what the result of your thesis research was and how it relates to your chosen profession.

2. Discuss your current profession. What your position is, what your major responsibilities are and any recognition you received for a job well done.
3. What is it about your current profession that led you to believe that you need to further your academic studies? Indicate both your academic and professional goals at this point.

4. Elaborate on how you plan to use the masters degree to make improvements in your field of work. What kind of future contribution do you hope to make in the field? Why is this a significant contribution in your opinion?

5. What are the reasons you chose this university? How does the university course offerings and training/internship tie in with your current professional needs?
6. Summarize your hopes and dreams for your future say 5 years down the line based upon your completed masters degree.

These information are required in order to strengthen your purpose for study. I hope that you will be able to use these specific guidelines to create a better purpose essay for your application.

Undergraduate / The neighborhood I grew up in (grateful for the great influences and for my parents for being there) [2]

Ana, I feel like this essay focuses too much on you trying to please your parents, without really explaining how their influence has helped to shape you as a person. Aside from trying to constantly please your parents, what else do you do in life in relation to your personal development with your family as your main support group? How has trying to please your father helped you develop into a person that the college reviewer might view as an admirable person? How does your problematic relationship with your mother represent a facet of development in your personality? How has this conflict help you become a better person and why?

The quote you chose is interesting, but I do not think that it is applicable in this instance. Where does the failure to failure on your part come in? Where is the enthusiasm? Perhaps it would be better to skip the quote just to avoid confusing the reader? Focus on your family relationship and dynamic instead. Start from a specific age, not "from an early age" because that phrase does not make any sense to the reviewer. It would be better if you don't mention any age at all. Just discuss as you would with a person in a normal setting. The reviewers consider those types of phrases exaggerations anyway. It is a phrase that doesn't help your essay move forward.

In the end, I learned a lot about your family but very little about who you became because of the series of interactions you represented in the essay. Who are you? That is the main question you have to answer. Why did your family experience make you that way? How did you use their influence to positively develop as a person?

Don't suddenly throw in the community as a reference towards the end of the essay. You did not really mention anything about the community early on so their inclusion towards the end is out of place and confuses your overall presentation.

Undergraduate / Unprivileged background. USEFP Global UGRAD - my personal statement [2]

Memon, this essay is a bit problematic because it does not really represent the totality of the reviewer's interest in your essay. Let me see if I can put something together for you, based on the questions provided, that you can use to write a revised essay.

Your interests and personality
- , I developed a special interes... Propelled by this curiosity, I chose ...
- I've engaged myself in numerous extra-curricular activities...

Your academic objectives
- I'm currently conducting research...*
*Develop the rest of the paragraph to explain the relevance of this academic objective in terms of your goals related to your field of study and personal development.

The reasons why you wish to pursue them in the U.S.A and how it relates to your interests and future objectives
- I nominate US as the best place...
- I'm anticipating to utilize this ...
*Add information about your future objectives in relation to a US based education and training in this field. You may need to do research to further develop this part of your response.

I can indicated the points of your original presentation that you can develop into a new, more responsive essay. How you develop the new essay is up to you. I can only provide you with the starting points for your revised essay. Best of luck to you in developing your revised essay.

Writing Feedback / The advertisers use advanced techniques to show their products better and more attractive. TOEFL [3]

Hi Maryam, I think that you can get a score of 3 with this essay. The reason that I believe you will get this type of score is because your essay has problems with its explanation presentations. You tend to have problems with the coherence of your statements due to problematic sentence construction and misspelled words such as rek for red and eldary for elederly. When you make these sorts of errors, you force the reader to stop and reread the statement. Wondering what it is that you are trying to say. The meaning is confusing or lost because of you did not proof read your essay so you could edit the mistakes before you submitted it for scoring. Your vocabulary then comes across as weak, lacking and suffering from a range of syntactic structures.

Basically, you have the right idea for the discussion. You just failed to properly present the same in a coherent manner. You have the English writing abilities of an intermediate learner so you have the potential to get better over time. Just remember that editing your text before submission will increase your scoring potential because you will catch the mistakes that could lower your score once the essay is submitted.

Writing Feedback / Some countries have a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of elderlies [3]

Gloria, I am not sure if you have been studying with a tutor for your IELTS test all this time. My advice for you may run counter to whatever it was that you were taught by your tutor or your review classes so just disregard my advice if it is not in accordance with what was previously taught to you. The scoring I will be providing you will be based on how I teach my students, who have always passed their IELTS tests with the highest marks possible. Here I go.

The prompt requires a single opinion presentation. You are being asked to choose whether or not you view the situation as advantageous or not. It is not a two point of view discussion essay, which is often preceded by the instruction "Discuss both points of view..." In this instance, you are being asked to defend a single point of view based on your personal preference and opinion. So your response will be seen as only partially correct because you did indicate a point of view that you support in the prompt restatement, but then you discussed a comparison essay when it came to the body of the essay rather than presenting only evidence that proves your point of view to be the correct one. As for the score, I believe it will be as follows:

TA - 5 - your response is only partially correct and your position discussion tends to be blurred in the actual body of paragraphs.
C&C - 5 - There is some disorganization in your idea presentation. This problem is clearly seen in the following passage: "For instance, most of the work is done using computers, databases that were recorded once in books are now stored in clouds." How is this relevant to the discussion of age in relation to the older and younger generation?

LR - 6 - your vocabulary is accurate but too simple to be given a higher score.
GRA - 5 - you have made significant attempts are complex sentences but these are not always successful. However, it does not impede the understanding of your work by the reader.

Again, this is my opinion of your work and you may disregard it if you wish to. This close to the test schedule, I believe you have undergone formal training for it with tutors or classes, which may run counter to my observations or advice. I wish you the best of luck with your test.

Writing Feedback / IELTS GT Levels of youth crime are increasing rapidly in most cities around the world. [2]

Franciane, your essay suffers in terms of C&C in some sections. For example, I am unclear about what you mean when you say " the freedom that children are growing up". I can only assume that you meant to say "the freedom that children ENJOY growing..." There is a lack of descriptive words in that sentence to complete the message of the sentence.

It is also improper of you to use the term "sons" in reference to the care being given. A more appropriate term would be genderless such as children, child, young people, adolescents, something that speaks of a gender without being specific about it as the prompt does not actually mention a specific type of gender when indicating who is committing the crimes. Being able to use other genderless terms on your part will show a greater LR ability on your part.

You should have presented 2 reasons for the crimes committed by the youth but not delivered under developed solution presentations in the paragraphs. A solid single reference to a solution that can apply to both instances, such as parental supervision, discussed in full as a stand alone paragraph would have been a more appropriate way to meet the prompt requirement and would have also helped to increase your C&C and GRA scores.

Writing Feedback / Why do we need music? And what about 'traditional' tracks? Aren't they obsolete today? [3]

Hanaa, your prompt paraphrase is missing from this essay. Even though this is a direct discussion essay, it is important that you first present the prompt restatement in order to prove that you understood what the discussion is requiring of you. The correct paraphrase for this essay prompt is:

Due to the many differing styles of music available today, the question as to whether or not we need music has become a point of discussion. More importantly, music listeners are now being asked to determine if traditional music meaningful these days. In addition to that, there is also a question as to whether or not the traditional type of music needs to be protected or if popular music has more relevance in today's society. It is my belief that (pick one side to support)...

You cannot sit on the fence and say you agree with both sides. That does not answer the question posed at the end of the essay. Remember, the term "or" means you have to pick one. You cannot discuss both because the instructions does not include "both points of view". The lack of decision making skills on your part will result in a tangential response to the essay that will also mean that your essay will only receive a partial score in the TA section of the test.

Your response is really good. It just doesn't properly focus on responding to the questions being asked in the prompt. That is why your response is not fully appropriate for the discussion topic. You responded properly to the question "Why do we need music?" but failed to respond to the analytical choice question regarding traditional and popular music.