Writing Feedback / Going to Mars Could Mess Up the Hunt for Alien Life [3]


America made a great celebration of its independence day by properly landing thousand rovers on the surface of Mars in twenty years ago

pay attention in the using of appropriate tenses as the timepiece of events


the first touch down was Pathfinder spacecraft in northern-lowland called Planitia on ...... which carried a small ......

... of stowaways in the form which has been similar as microbes in Earth.
... it would be not easy to susatinspelling and cultivate life on Mars. [need more explanation why scientist claimed like that with regard to those organism findings ]

The facts currentlyrecently , the scientistS have pointed out more (...) March as unsustainable planet for earth organism to survive.

.... C onley had faceD several difficulties in job to keep Mars[keep from what?]and set up prevention aliens organise for declining the quality of Ecosystem on Earth as well as human to seeding in other planet.confusing. concern on accuracy and function of your sentence

severe errors in spelling.

Writing Feedback / Resume : Janet Iwasa: How animations can help scientists test a hypothesis [3]

Scientists usually use a small objects[singular/plural issue] as objects of research andwhich must be seen directly, sometimes it difficult to seen , even with the most excellent microscopes.

instead of saying 'small' object, you may write 'MINUSCULE'
=scientists usually use minuscule objects in research which are sometimes difficult to see by naked eyes, even with.....

Rapid technology change has spurred researchers to modernize their researchstudy [avoid repetition] . One of technologytechnologies that they use .....
... very useful to develop a hypothesis. animationit [effectively use pronouns to avoid repetition ] is a ....


most of scientists still utilize paper and pencil to describe the processes of their study while those data are really need to process using computers, especially for animation design

need to concern on using a wide range of lexical resources to avoid using words repetitively.

Writing Feedback / Summary of article Blind people use brain's visual cortex to help do maths ( Colin Barras) [3]

BaseD on a leading theory, understanding number should linkslink the visual experience because of strong relation between them.

If it is so, how about the people ...
According to Shipra Kanjlia,aStudent[capitalization issue] of Johns Hopkins University, blind manmen can also do math.

... 36 volunteers which is ARE 17 of whom have ...
orshe and her peers analysed 36 volunteers who have been blind at birth....

... by conducting simple mental arithmatic orservation inside fMRI[misspelling] scanner.

ability to compute number without REQUIRED visual experience is requeired.
... to work on mental arithmetic problems [need comma] particularly cortex.
... the region from All of the blind volumteers who gave the correct ...
Thus, they suggested the extra region (Cortex) is also trigered by caculation process.

pay attention in spelling. it will be a serious hurdle if it comes to hand writing

Writing Feedback / The only way for women to show their qualities is by getting involved in economy and politics [2]

it is evidence that you have a passable writing skill proved by you well-structured sentence and paragraph. you, somehow, already achieve much information and knowledge here as you have shown progress on your writing. for this, i say thank you and keep writing and learning since there is no perfect work here.


experiencing education [since 'school' only is unclear, what level of school, on her primary or secondary? 'education' also general and can be write here ] in a traditional city of Libya as a 15-year-old-girl was the path which led Alaa Murabit, a moslem activits, to start.......


despite of repetitively write 'research', you may replace it by 'study', 'in depth study/investigation', inquiry, etc

..... she found an astonishing fact regarding to a well-known muslimah .....

.....whose participation in economic sector was has been vital .....

be careful on the using of semicolon instead of comma, especially on giving appositive or additional information

good luck

Writing Feedback / TED SUMMARY: The Courage To Tell A Hidden Story by Erman Mohammed [2]

... of the most fearless woman WOMEN who became (...), haD just returned 19 years old / as a 19 year young girl.
name is a subtle information, in this summary you misspelled or wrote it wrong from 'Eman' to 'Erman'. thus, for some societies it will be a little bit odd or confusing since 'Erman' usually refers to man rather than woman.

... stories to the world [too simple ]. She described her challenging carercareer by stating that ...\
Due to themale-dominated field [without further information, it is clear that this occupation commonly or acceptably done by man] which stated clearly that the woman must not do the man's job.

you may simply write like this, simpler, more effective but still a complex structure
she shared her amazing stories to the world as she described her challenging career by stating that her presence as the only one woman was unacceptable on that male-dominating field.


the flow is a quite hard to follow here since you mention 'also'

At that time, women THEY [effectively use pronouns to avoid repetition] were faced a double-war-drawbacks ...

It inspired her deeply.[too simple] Started AT that moment, she payinghas paid a closer attention ...

that's all on this time that i hope will enhance your writing skill. keep summarizing and keep improving your work

Writing Feedback / Summary of TED fusion is energy's future (Steve Cowley) [7]

One of the crucial environmental problemS nowadays is Energy crisis and greenhouse effect. Energy productionin the moment is dominated [passive, simple present. no need to mention in the moment] by non-renewable energy resourceS such as coal, oil, gas etc ...

pay attention in plural/singular issue

we have to pay attention aboutto perfect energy form


confusing sentence
clearly need to revise

Andhence, the predominantly solution is Fusion.

... British Association of Science conjectured that's why the sun shines and it also the reason why startsstars become illuminated .

... can be supplied by sea water andwhile Tritium that is super heavy hydrogen ...

... can also be considered to be long-term energy resources it iswhich conserveS until one million ...
Hence, it is firmly suggestssuggested that Fusion is the effective ...
concern about sentence stucture

Writing Feedback / When art and technology pull each other to bits [3]


confusing sentence
although art and technology have a close relation, those came apart at art festivals in some capital cities throughout the world
or close relationship between art and technology appeared at.......depend on which meaning you want to deliver

... technology has successfully altered anthe art world (...) more straightforwardly

.marrymerge between art and technology wherewhich enables people to enjoy (...) they do not present in this festival.there/ they are not there

... sophisticated technology brings many people to be closer with art. In this digital era, most people[repetition] can explore a lot of arts without directly visiting the original place the arts made.site those made/displayed

... from the world so that citizenssocieties are able to explore[repetitive] the arts specificallyvirtually such as ancient sculpture in Greece...
As a consequence result [consequence=negative ], a combination between art and ...

Writing Feedback / TED Summary: A Guide to the Energy of the Earth by Joshua M. Sneideman [3]


as population grows alongside as the rise of industrialization and development of.....,


global demand for energy becomes even more complex while the planet has limited energy sources

HumanS spends a lot of energy, especially those produced from fossil fuels, ...
Another alternative energy SOURCE comes from renewable sourcesones such as wind, ...

Where does energy come from.?

It moves in and out of this systemsthese systems
overall, you still need to be careful with some minor errors.

Writing Feedback / Summary TED_How mobile phones can fight poverty [2]


there is no verb in this sentence
Iqbal Quadir is a founder of Grameen Phone, ........ company.

In 1971, as a child who grewgrowing up in Bangladesh, (...) to another village in order to find theA doctor and he just for fail

... pioneer Grameen Bank then he establishinghas established Grameen Phone, a wireless operatorthat now is offering phone services to 80 million people in rural Bangladesh.


there are three beneficial effects of those phones,

it is good that you inserted a quotation to strongly close or end your summary. however, you still need to concern about sentence structure and sense/function of your writing. keep writing and good luck

Writing Feedback / TED Summary: The Taboo Secret To Better Health by Molly Winter [5]


she said that about seven millions Americans got sick while 900 died annually by sewage-contaminated water consumption

She mentionED one taboo issue about [tenses, subject+verb agreement]


if we can get those into our soil bank, it goes to absorb carbon dioxide.....
it goes to absorb..... if we can get those into....


she has introduced her organisation named...

integrateD water management approach

She gave the example one of the high-rise residential buildingS in downtown of Portland as an example . They are not flushing to the sewer system, but their wash water (...) mechanical system indeed .. It is the updating the surrounding sewer infrastructure.

Writing Feedback / Arctic ice melt is killing birds and will leave caribou stranded [3]

too many misspelling words.

The increasing loss of sea-ice whicH caused by melting ice in Artics victimizeS the local ecosystems [ singular/plural issue]

Recently,artic se-ice [misspelling that plausibly becomes a serious issue since it delivering unclear statement] is the second lowest sea-level during thiS summer. Thus, species which iNhabitantinOF /habitat is in sea-ice acquire ....

Other species , Seabird and huge Zooplankton species [redundancy] population will decline in warm climate. As A concequences[comma]ofmelting ice melting will be seriously damageD the environmentandwhileArctic Animals will move to ...

... many animals also remain incRitical ecosystems surounding .


sea-ice genetic variation influences population productivity and diversity

... or stant the sea-ice melting. It[need comma] could not be easy to ...

Writing Feedback / Summary Article: Population, urbanization and environment [3]


=in several countries, to live in the city is more fascinating for inhabitants rather than in rural area
=city becomes the most fascinating area to live in for inhabitants in several countries

especially ON the land use and people lifestyle.


this phenomenon has included all problem such as waste, .....
this phenomenon has been compounded by all problems such as.....


forest areas are decreasing time by time while the current ...

In addition, the construction is not only in a particularly in urban area for sure but alsoin the rural area since it has also the same opportunity. It is not only a government task, but we have to responsible for this problem.as we also need to be responsible on overcoming this problem

Writing Feedback / TED Pete Alcorn: The world in 2200 [3]

... planet is going to be a bad for inhabitans.

the U.N's population data displayed that the trend of population in the world areis going to decline.

... but the dwindle of the population haveHAS two advantages economic impacts.

advantages and impacts are contradicted.

Cost of land will drop and it begins to declineaffect to the declining of the rate of property.


ineffective sentence

The transitions are A dangerous phase (...) lose their money and while labor demand more salary.

at all, you need to be careful in spelling words. concern about some minor errors like using of article and singular/plural issue. besides, still you need to pay attention on your sentence structure

Writing Feedback / Article Summary: Miscarriage Is The Last Thing People Want To Talk About by Jamie Otis [3]

It was A terrible moment but she tried to share it in order this conversationso that this issue will become more common in ...

She started her story from her relationship with Doug

She started fromtalking about her relationship with Doug, (...) reality show, that she married later in a real life


=she got some trouble during her pregnancy....
you tend to make too complex structure that really hard to understand.... you need to concern about accuracy

" The prognosis is poor and we recommend you to (...)" said the high-risk doctor ,. pronounce error

high-risk doctor?

Writing Feedback / TED summary : a 12-year-old app developer [3]


in this digital era, everyone, included children, can easily access..... that leads societies to be more creative


For example, Thomas Suarez, a 12-year-old boy, has successfully invented a sophisticated app called ....
OR : ... has successfully invented a sophisticated app called ...., for example

His first idea, then, came from his friends ...

.... and asked him how the way to make it as he is still a small child whichwhile it is rarely done by his peer.


with this app, he has been able to become a wealthy child as his application is sold at US 99 dollar. the selling has thrived since many people from most countries buy it by downloading through their smartphones

Writing Feedback / TED Summary: Killing People are always wrong by Richard Bourke [3]

Richard Bourke is one of the Australian LAWYERS who works to save prisoners from death penalty.

''We are all going to die, we don't have a choice about that, but we do choose whether to kill" as , [comma] he stated .....

In 2002, Bourke gave up ON his career THEN MOVE from Melbourne to Lousiana TO work full-time on some death-penalty cases. [it is important to mention what is his occupation before]


this sentence is right if Richard does not work as lawyer anymore at present, but if he does, you need to use present perfect tense

=He has not worked alone, he has assisted by the Australian volunteers who work hard to help save poor prisoners with death penalty.

There were some caseS [singular/plural issue] which is ARE handled by them,......


too complex but less accurate, better to separate into two sentences

some of them were unsuccessful and theyWHILE THE CRIMINALS were sentenced to death, (...) some happiness momentS there.

Therefore he told the lawyers who has been working ....
in this case, there were WAS a mother of the youngest victim, ....
It HAS touched his heart so deeply and HE didn't realized tears ...

Writing Feedback / A history of India's independence [6]

..... countries leads to any humanity problems/

.... to obtain an independence[instead of this, you may write 'a freedom/liberty. etc']

.... Nehru ordered Indian troops = who is Nehru? you need to explain it more or give additional information related to his/her background as his/her story is not a factual neither a common shared issue

..... it from Portuguese who had powerfully = which

... military adventure in Goa was totally becoming an expostulation from the increasing of Chinese border incursions.
... the election campaign whoas a figure that was able to strike a ...
With his power it, finally, Nehru (...) taken steps to reclaim from the Chinese some territory by setting up forward posts. = confusing

instead of some grammatical errors, it is evidence that you have such adequate skill in writing. keep writing and improving your works. still, you can revise and enhance it. good luck

Writing Feedback / Article Summary: Nearly Half of US Deaths can be Prevented with Lifestyle Changes [2]

... Centers for Disease Control (CDC) [comma ] that those diseasesailments actually can be avoided ...

Supportive statement is simply stated as well by Frieden....

despite for those above minor errors, it is evident that somehow you have improved your writing skill. different from your earlier works in this forum, your writing now is better and showing more accurate sentence structure and grammar.

however, there is no such a perfect job, so do this writing. there are many spaces for improvement, particularly on your lexical resource. try to use a wide range of vocabularies, paraphrasing and using similar words more often as it will a chance for improving your lexical resource.

another important thing to mention is, it is good that you use quotation here. but, think about its balance. in this summary, it seems that the quotation is a half length of the whole paragraph.

keep writing, keep practicing and learning. i'm waiting for your upcoming superb summaries

Writing Feedback / Tourism as a remedium for peace between people? [4]

This video storiestells about a man who (...) with tourism, his name iscalled Aziz Abu Sarah.


began when he was 7 years old, he used to think that throwing stones and watching television are fun things to do. he changed his mind when his older 18-years brother was arrested for doing the same, simply because he was a Palestinian boy who throwing stone.

[by scrutinizing the video, you should have to understand that this is about religion also]

When his brother was deaD, he felt angry and want to gavetake revenge.

by reading the rest of your summary, i can conclude that you are still having problem in summarising, especially in how to produce/restate the sentences by using your own words and not just copy sentences from the sources.

to make a powerful summary, you need to understand first what is the article about, what are the main facts or outstanding information there.
make a note using your first tongue is recommended in case it can help you to make the summary by translating to English. By this, you will have a chance to rewrite it by using your own lexical resource at the same time enhance it. keep writing

Writing Feedback / Summary From TED "Tiny Satellites Show Us The Earth as It Changes in near-real-time " (W.Marsal) [4]

In this Cutting-edge [adjective, need noun ], There [capitalization issue ] are great number of capricious advanceD inventions that will be immediately launched particularly for Astronomical approaching /purpose .

again, pay attention in your sentence structure. please consider how to appropriately compose sentences in term of fundamental grammatical rules.

BaseD on the report fromof Will Marsal, a Space [capitalization issue ] scientist and inventor (...), he and his team who from the Space (...), which is 4 kg in weight and 40 cm in length.

learn and practice more in how to adequately write complex structures, particularly the using of conjunction and punctuation on those.

It IS appropriately enriched by electronic sensitivesensitive electronic system which can ...

There were two fundamental reasonS [singular/plural issue ] why they reduce the scale of it namely;

there are many spaces for revision and improvement on your writing.

even though there are less severe problems that possibly being an obstacle for reader to understand this summary, many minor errors are not a good thing.

Writing Feedback / Few Things to Do Before International Travel - summary with some tips for planning a trip [4]

.....at least 6 months before its expiry date when you are going to travel overseas
..... documents which isare very important when you get lost your identity accounts ....
....check your medical state...
Some foreign countrycountriesrequireprevail/obligate specific medical examination for overseas holidaymakers ...


= there is no finite verb here.... this can be state as a sentence

You should to obtainhave a travel insurance if you want to get travel's permit.


the fourth, you should have a travel insurance, even the cheapest one, which covering medical bills, lost luggage, and stolen valuables in order to get travel's permit

.....to predict youR expense ....


the most vital thing you have to do is budgeting

other small items

your main problem is plural and singular issue.... please concern more on it

Writing Feedback / Several Ways Technology stops crime againts enadangered animals [4]

... as A natural habitat of endangered animals needS to be conserved by human

an i ncline of hunting activity and the illicting illegal trading for suchasanimals near to extinct animals, like Rhinos, Elephants, and sharks,toward extinction need to be reduced.


therefore, cutting-edge technological approaches should be developed in order to identify and conserve them.


in summarizing, you still need to mention all eleven approaches here. besides, you can't make a new idea or delivering your opinion that plausibly will interfere the ideas/works of the author or the source. in here, you can't conclude that those five methods that you wrote are greater or outweigh the others.

DNA analysis is the one of the wildlife crime investigation scenarios . Samuel Wasser, a DNAanalisysanalist , ......

.... etc.

you still need to focus on your sentence structure and basic grammar rules like article using and plural/singular issue. in addition, try harder in paraphrasing since i still find some similarities between the source words and yours. keep writing

Writing Feedback / A Legal Trade in Ivory Would Wipe Out Elephants, Study Finds [2]


=the decision-making mechanism is a process proposal from Namibia, Zimbabwe, and South Africa; nations support the legalization of ivory trade
=the decision-making mechanism is proposed by......... ; nations support the legalization of ivory trade

It is believed that these processesisare able

at first, you may need to deliver the phenomenon of ivory trading before directly write down about the process or the nations that agree with that. it is about the flow of reading and also writing. you need to bridge or gibe background information first or may be change the sequence of the facts you want to restate on our summary. the first paragraph need to be revise.

however, in the second paragraph, your writing became strong with a quotation you inserted.the explanation about who said it also nice so that this paragraph become communicative and fully informative.

I believe that you have an adequate skill in writing, you only need to practice more. concern about tenses, the sentence completion, some basic grammatical rules that usually hard to control, and also make it sure you vary your writing style in composing sentences so your works will become superb to read and to understand. keep study and good luck

Writing Feedback / Elephants are in danger because of their ivory tusks, which are a blessing and curse for them [2]

A researcher at the University of Aberdeen,Lee and David Lusseau
= singular/plural issue. there are two researchers there
stated that they used .....

Therefore,in addition , a study on September 15, supportshas supported [pay more attention in the appropriate tenses to use] this opinion that legalizing the ivory market would be able to [you can also say 'possibly/plausibly '] vanish the elephants' population.


*its discovery prevails that the demand of ivory ......
*it discovers that the demand of ivory.....
actually, this sentence is still quite similar with the original sentence from the article. need more effort to restate it without get affected by the sentence structure of the source

Pro and cons are arisen regarding withto this issue, some countries or groups who state pro and cons [repetition. you may write 'who state their agreement and disagreement] inregarding this issue.

Firstly, one of the authors ' by Phylis Lee and [need comma] a researcher at the University (...) so there is no method to harvest sufficient ivory sufficiently ['sufficient ivory' clearly has different meaning with '...ivory sufficiently' . concern about the sense of the sentence or words] even though, in a controlled way thatit will not drive elephant ...

Secondly, there are three nations (Namibia, Zimbabwe, and South Africa) support this legal ivory ...
They offers a process ofnamed decision-making mechanism (...) ivory from existing government stockpiles of seized illegal ivory...to similar with the article

Writing Feedback / Learning a tonal language like Chinese is tricky, however there's a new tool.. [3]


you only copy-paste the sentence from the article. this is not a summary. you need to look for the main information or facts from source then paraphrase it by using your own lexical resource

summarizing and paraphrasing will be really helpful to build your writing and reading skills that you really need to train for taking foreign language examination. besides, by reading various articles and summarize it, you will have a chance to broaden your horizon. it is vital so that you will have adequate knowledge to speak and write familiar and unfamiliar topics using foreign tongue, ultimately English.

hope you pay attention on this then revise and compose your next summaries better

Writing Feedback / Angela Lee Duckworth: financially settled in the age of 27, but still yet in pursue of her passion [3]

... desire of Angela Lee Duckworth so that she decided to pursue her passion.


she becomes/has become a teacher...

who will successfully struggled and survived and why.

... selected to the military training; in a national Spelling Bee (...) in competition; in a school to survey working teachers (...) ability of the students; and in a private company, to forecast ...

The outcome of her research is astonishingly since it has revealed ...
It is said that, it does not takeneed/ it does not about social intelligentintelligence , good looking, physical health, and even anhigh IQ to be a success person.

Writing Feedback / Go a head, make up new words (Erin McKean) - Summary from TED [3]


who said that to be a part of global society means you have to strictly consider about words?
it is important to compose sentence that will be easily understand. it is essential for effective communication

... a person who compiles dictionaries. there [need comma, not fullstop] are two kinds (...) roles and mannerS .

Some groupS [singular/plural issue] of people waswere agreed that [need conjunction if there are more than one finite verb in a sentence] the communication has have only to be ...

... make new word in English namely: adopt it from other languages, without change the meaning of terminology, so just use it appropriately. --> it is said that there are 7 approaches, but only two mentioned. incomplete information, or you need to state that two of those are.....

Mean whilein addition, we ......

Writing Feedback / TED Summary: The Art of Free-Stress Productivity by David Allen [2]

when productivity gets low and everything turns unstable. It is called crisis zone. =
new sentence = it is when productivity gets low and everything turns unstable which called crisis zone

such as financial and healthyhealth problems [pay attention in the using of healthy and health] or work stress. The crisisit [effectively use pronouns to avoid repetition] then leads us to be overreacted (...) we have not accomplished yet .

... people tend to blame time as if one day is never enough whenthen getting stress.....


there is no finite verb here. Thus, it can't be named a sentence

It means we need flexibility not perfection and the ability to ...
=it means we need flexibility and ability to shift in and our focus briskly from a job to another, not perfection

Secondly, getting properly engaged with ...where is the main verb? . you can write: getting properly engaged with what is going on to notice what it takes is a need

taking an action to the path you really want by using the right map

Writing Feedback / Do a weekday vegetarian for a better life (TED Summary) [2]


=our meat diet behavior has caused many problems.

Eating hamburger routinely [need to mention how many times a day that can be spesifically said as a routine]a day can escalate our ...

More than 10 billion animals isare slaughtered by our each year for meat ; each year as stock/to meet the demand

trywe can imagine how if they are our pets...

Meat production , unbelievably, has releaseD more emissions than all (...), buses, cars, all of itetc . . Andat the same time/besides , production of beef needS 100 times water thatthan most vegetables do.

... meats are the vast culprits in issues of environmental damage and health. = .... are the vast culprits in environmental and health issues

Graham Hill, the founder of TreeHugger.com and LifeEdited, has inviteD us to do a weekday vegetarian ...

We only do not eat meat on weekdays = we only need to avoid eating meat on weekdays, Monday through Friday...
If this is doneprevailed , we are confident that we aregoing to lessening waste, we will feel more preferable about animals, weand cut back on spending.

Writing Feedback / Summary: What's wrong with our food system? [4]

... what is wrong with people's fooddiet system.
To begin with, kids are easily ledpersuade to believe in all the marketing and (...), at public schools [need comma here to clearly distinct those places are completely different] and pretty much everywhere else.

... packaging and plastic toys gift, whereasalthough they do not know the origin [ingredients might be more appropriate to use] of the food.
This has genetically engineered seeds and organisms.
... manipulated in a laboratory to do something not intended by naturegrow synthetically/artificially.
... and other problems in lab animals, andwhile in fact people have been eating ...
On the other hand,however , many farmers still use natural system of farmingplanting [since you already wrote farmer ].

Writing Feedback / Your health depends on where you live - from the TED summary [3]

At the beginning of the talks, = talk , Bill Davenhall, (...) Services Expert [need comma. an additional explanation about someone need to write between commas. this what we called 'appositive'] talked about his experience in a hospital in an intensive... = this is good but you may need to revise it to make it effective. you can write: in an intensive-care ward of a hospital due to heart attack


incomplete and confusing sentence. there is no finite verb here.

... factor which people doesn't realize that hashaving potential risk.
... vehicles in the big city that produces [singular/plural issue ] a lot of toxic in ...


confusing sentence again. you may need to write: it becomes worsen for those who work in oil company

It is produceS an extremely toxic material/substance , such as methane gas.

Writing Feedback / Most Violent Crimes Are Wrongly Linked to Mental Illness - Summary article [3]

Many news talks[singular/plural issue] about person who has mental health problem wasthat responsible tofor committing violence.

However, the fact that most people with mental illness are never violent. = in fact, most mental illness sufferers are unable to commit it.

... and Human Services (HHS), peoplethose with mental disorder are more than 10 times more likely to be victims of violentaggressive [avoid repetition ] crimes than general people.

... of Public Health also publishEDan articles [singular/plural issue ] about mental illness ...

which states that mental illness and violence toward other people close to 40% said ... = confusing sentence

it is good that you attempted to compose complex structure although you still need to learn how to make it appropriately.

So these caseSisARE still makea controversy between the study author and the researcher.many studies

pay attention in some minor errors particularly grammatical errors

Writing Feedback / We must be able to listen to the signal of body, because it is better than any doctors. [3]

Lissa Rankin, founder of (...) and mental illness, comes up [past simple is suggested since this event had fully ended] in front of her (...) insight regarding to what really matters to ...

As an opening, she begins by sharing what she ...
In the age of 33, she has achieved [present perfect since it may still affect her life til now] all her dreams in career, even hadhas enough retirement fund ...

In contrary with her brightgreat/rewarding/decent/ good. etc job, her marriage ended miserably.
Surprisinglyin addition , at the same time, (...) and high blood pressure withwhich need three medications, but ...

... then Lissa researcheshas researched a lot about the indicators of health and formulateshas formulated a self-healing concept ...

read through your writing, i can conclude that you have a capability on composing sentences well. it is also good that you use a variety of simple and complex structures. However, you still need to concern about the appropriate tenses to use in regard with the meaning and time of the event. some mirrors error like using of pronunciation and adequate collocation of words. keep writing

Writing Feedback / Summary: More Young Americans Live with Parents Than With Lovers [4]

... many young people prefer livingto live with their immediate family. According tothe recent research of the Pew (...) one or both parents, compared towhile 31.6% living with a spouse ...

The result of an increase in young Americans livingthe increasing number of those who live with their parents reached ...
In 1960, the portionpercentage of young persons (...) peaked at 62% but at the same year the share ...
Interestingly, the figure of Living with mom and dad has increased more every year.


there are three years mentioned here, but it is unclear is it from the same research or it is a comparison to the preceding research.

at all, you still need to concern on your sentence completion and the flow of your writing.

Writing Feedback / Summary for TED "A warm embrace that saver live" (Jane Chen) [2]

Twenty millions of babies are suffering as premature [or just directly write, ..... are premature], intolerant temperature ...
The baby can't [avoid to write like this, you need to write 'cannot' indeed ] constantly regulate the ...
There are several critical diseases that [need a conjunction to put two finite verbs in a sentence ] can be make them (...) low intelligence and even die . [die is disease? ]

... premature baby is incubators and but those are not accessible for in rural area such as developmentalin developing country. In 2010, Jane and her team hadhave technologically advanced (...) exactly cheap (less than $ 20) incubator than common incubato r one used for ...

... it seemslooks like simple small sleeping bag. The sleeping bagithas sophisticatingmade by sophisticated material like a wax-like substances [singular/plural issue ] simply using hot mater and then the melting temperature will be constantly stabled to 37 degree Celsius.

*you still need to concern on your sentence structure, use of article, singular/plural issue, use of pronoun, and how to reduce repetitive using of certain word

Writing Feedback / Summary TED: Parenting In Modern World [2]


you tend to compose very simple sentences. You need to vary your writing skill at least by mixing simple and complex structure. you may write like this, for example:

we are prosperous living in this prevalent world where most sophisticated technology are created. [simply using conjunction can alleviate your sentence]

They make our life easier and entertaining. On the other hand, if thisthese[refer to 'they' in the previous sentence except you mention 'this kind of technology'. subject+verb agreement issue ] technologIES is related to parenting which is known as the most mysteriuos task in a world, it will be complicated.

now, in this sentence, you attempted to use complex structure but it less accurate. you may write: on the other hand, it will be complicated if these technologies are related to parenting which is known as the most mysterious task in the world

There are some wayS [singular/plural issue] which are suggested.
... activities, such as family meal time or brushing teeth time . How regular do we need to have this moment in a day?

Based on this essay, [essay or TED?] there are two top tasks ...
In contrast with these, there are three worst things that ...

Writing Feedback / Learner's interest and enjoyment should be the ultimate factors while enrolling to further education [3]

firstly, i want to say that you clearly have a wide range of vocabularies showed by your less common word chosen. However, you need to concern whether it is appropriate or not on that using. besides, what makes an essay great is also about its informative and understandable values, you tend to make complicated sentences.

There is AN ever demanding observable fact ... It is often agreed this is a positive development [two finite verbs that need a conjunction] while others oppose and refers it will lead to adverse ramifications [sentence completion issue. you tend to over use complex structures in inappropriate ways].

... enjoyment should be the ultimate factors whileon enrolling to further education collegehigher education rather accomplishment.

... should be the vocal point to enroll in the third level of education program, some still feels [plural/singular issue ] that student should ...
... listening to their hearts to learnon learning something with ecstasy, ...

i do only focus on your introduction and conclusion to conclude that there are some minor errors that you need to concern. However, i think you have shown a high proficiency on writing, so it is a pleasure to try to give feedback on yours. keep writing and keep uploading your work here. Thank you

Writing Feedback / Ielts Writing Task 2. Some people believe children are given too much free time. feel this time.. [2]


it is good that you composed your introduction into a succinct paragraph. However,i could not get the the bridge from the question background to your statement. the flow is poor. there are some key feature from the question that you explained inadequately, like children' free time, school. another time, you need to focus more on the question and analyse it before arrange your sentencs. it is important to avoid giving essay which is not fulfill the the task response

Childhood is the vital period for children to develop their mental and physical strength. At this time [need comma]childrendevelop their mind andwhile playing sports is the best ...

... keep them indulge in only school activity [you need to explain more what kind of activity do you mean can make children become dull. in fact, there are some sports activities too in school, so you did not give a strong or convincing argument on this] then there are possibilities ...

To illustrate, in a recent survey of famous newspaper it is observedclaimed that ratio ofchildren who participate more in sports are more creative than those who do not [subject on this sentence is 'ratio''not the children. from your sentence, readers will get that it is the ratio that more creative].

Children become tired due to ...
This is because, most children

... are equally important for the children as far as ...

you need to concern on several issue as repetition, punctuation, using of pronoun, and conjunction. also pay attention on your subject+ verb agreement.

overall, i find that you actually you already wrote this essay well despite of some errors and suggestion that i give. good luck and keep writing. hope this help

Writing Feedback / Business have to prioritize their employees rather than their financial objectives [2]

... many companies prioritizing to yield profits and stick with it in order to have much incomes [you may state that the do that in order to keep success in market since ''to have much income'' is sharing the same sense with to gain profit]. They only think about the way [...]

your introduction has shown a quite well structured introductory paragraph. good job


despite of your nice introduction, i find that your body essay is less correlated with the prompt. you need to counter first why company should not only focus on earn money or give illustration of this situation while deliver its drawback. you may need to concern on this if you want to make this essay powerful


on this paragraph, you need to emphasize what the reason why company should treat their work forces well and giving strong explanation about the disadvantages that companies need to face if ignore it.

here are some suggestions in your third paragraph:
... used when the employees sick,for each worker. Company also can give money to employeethose who do overtime work.work overtime .
... their workers to work over the time but they do not givewithout giving extra money.salary. This condition can make them easy to get sick vulnerable to illness and finally theypossibly resign then from the organisation.


after composing introduction and body paragraphs, you only need to concern on making a firm and convincing conclusion. you may do this by restating the topic and your main ideas than giving suggestions if you want despite than only write a sentence. be careful to not delivering new ideas that never state before in essay to your conclusion

Writing Feedback / The correlation between happiness and marriage status in the US [4]

... it shows the level of happiness on married people based on the children they have.whether or not they have children

*although your introductory paragraph is quite short, you already introduced both charts and gave an overall for both.

*despite of some repetitive words, you are well arranged your essay task 1, use varied style of sentence and use comparison language. Good job. somehow, you have shown your improvement on composing your essay.