Writing Feedback / This simple electronic deveice should be banned in school. Do you agree or not. [3]

Nuru, I believe that you are trying to respond to a Task 2 IELTS essay. The problem, is that I have no accurate way of measuring your success or failure in relation to your written response because you have provided an incomplete original prompt statement. While your discussion is sound and relevant to the topic sentence, it may not be completely prompt adherent in terms of the discussion requirements. Sadly, I cannot advice you any further regarding this essay because of our one free advice per thread policy. All I can advice you on at this moment is the format of the essay.

You need to practice developing complete paragraphs to use in your discussion. The requirement is a paragraph can be represented as complete within 3-5 sentences. You currently have statements that are only 2 sentences long. You will need to expand your discussions in your succeeding essays in order to meet the paragraph sentence requirement. By the way, I will also need to read the complete prompt requirements with your future practice tests. Don't bother with posting the prompt requirement for this essay at this point. I can't come back to offer you constructive criticism anymore.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 2: Discussive passage (money on road systems?) [3]

Cam, this is an improperly developed essay. You did not properly develop the opening statement, you did not discuss both points of view in the body, and you did not offer a complete discussion of your personal opinion on the matter either. It would appear that the whole essay was solely based on your point of view instead of being a "discuss both views plus personal opinion" essay. The opening statement that you wrote discussed your point of view immediately when that is not required in the opening statement. The point of view is always a part of the body of paragraphs. It is never provided in the outline statement, which is what the purpose of the opening statement is. Having said that, let me give you an idea as to how to approach this essay next time by giving you a sample below:

The number of cars using public roads increase every year. As such, a debate has slowly emerged regarding who should pay for the expenses related to the road systems. Others believe that the private vehicle owners should pay for this, while some, believe that this is the responsibility of the government. In this essay, I will be offering some insight into both points of view as well as my personal opinion on the matter.

The reason that some people believe that the government should pay for the systems is based on...

Those who believe that the private transport owners should pay for the road system explain that...

In my opinion ...

It is therefore safe to conclude that...

The above format is one of the many discussion formats that can be used for this essay. I hope that you will consider using this more proper format when you receive a similar instruction with your upcoming practice tests.

Writing Feedback / Salary must be consider top priority in choosing a job. Do you agree or disagree with this statement [3]

Kim, did you post the complete prompt instructions along with your essay response? It does not seem like you did so because the instructions you provided were not followed in the developed response. Rather than disagreeing or agreeing with the statement, you have discussed the factors important when it comes to choosing a job instead. This is a totally different essay from an opinion essay based on an agreement or disagreement with a given statement. Therefore, your essay failed the Task Accuracy portion. Since your response is not related to the original discussion, you will not receive a passing score for this essay. Your opening statement is not an accurate representation of the topic provided and the discussion method you were instructed to use. Such a mistake shows that you either did not understand the instructions or, you decided to ignore the given instructions. Therefore, the score for this essay would be a 4 in the TA portion because it responds to the given task in a very slight way. Your vocabulary and sentence development proves to only be within the simple sentence and vocabulary range so you probably won't get a score higher than a 4 in the LR and GRA sections. As for the C&C section, since you did not accurately discuss the given prompt, it will be hard for me to judge what considerations the examiner may have when judging this section due to the problems with the previous sections. If I were to guess your score for that section though, I would give it a uniform score of 4 as well since your response is slightly unrelated to the task provided.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2: Liability to support state education system [5]

Sarah, your restated prompt is too close to the original to be considered an accurate retelling of the topic provided. You need to make sure that you totally change the way that you represent the prompt in your own words. If it is too similar to the original wording, as this one is, you will be marked down in terms of GRA and LR considerations. The GRA requires you to prove your ability to create complex sentences so having your statement sound too much like the original will not prove that ability on your part. Let me show you an example of a distant, but still related prompt restatement below:

These days, families that send their children to private schools still pay taxes that are pushed towards the support of the public school system. There is a belief among the parents of children attending non-government subsidized schools that they should be exempted from paying the educational tax since their children do not attend the state schools. In this essay, I will discuss the degree of my agreement with this opinion.

The reasons that you present in the body paragraphs are very well developed. Though the grammar problems do exist that prevent you from developing better simple sentences, you were able to make your opinion understood through statements that were easy to understand. Focus on creating more fluent simple sentence in your next practice test.

For the concluding paragraph, you should have led in with another version of the original prompt discussion before presenting your impressive summary of discussion and personal opinion. This paragraph is good but could have been better.

Writing Feedback / Ad vs disad of a young population - IELTS task 2 essay [3]

Vinh, your written work does not accurately represent the original prompt requirement. Kindly keep in mind that the C&C section of the test score consideration requires all the paragraphs to represent fully developed and well thought out discussions. These discussions cannot be less than 3 sentences, but no more than 5 sentences in length. What you have presented here are only 2 sentences with the discussion immediately starting in the second sentence. The opening statement is never a partial reasoning discussion. It can only be and will always be, a simply restatement of the original prompt discussion with an outline provided. I suggest that you refer to my representation of the original prompt requirement as a reference guide for your future essays:

Currently, the population of older people across the globe is proving to be less than the number of young adults. This discrepancy in the population number makes people think about the advantages of having more young people in the population. They wonder if there are more advantages than disadvantages to the current situation. This essay will discuss the population comparison concern for the benefit of the readers.

Do not begin the discussion at the end of the opening statement. A discussion can only be started in the opening statement in a TOEFL test, which you are not taking.

Now, while your discussion is interesting in presentation, it would have been stronger if you had delved into a comparison discussion of the benefits of having a smaller elderly population in comparison to the younger generation. You did not discuss comparable statistics for your 2 topics in the paragraphs so the information you provided is somewhat inconclusive. A more accurate discussion of this would have been to use the same criteria considerations, such as job leadership in relation to work experience. Using the same consideration points makes for a more solid and better developed discussion as the real advantages and disadvantages can be discussed on the same level of logic and reasoning.

For the changes in your concluding statement, please refer to discussion I gave for your opening statement presentation. The same advice applies due to the same mistakes that exist in the presentation.

Faq, Help / Thanking moderators and everyone who gave me helpful suggestion [28]

Hi Khoa, it is so nice to hear from you. I am pleased to learn that I was able to help you with your college applications. From the sound of it, you were accepted to the universities you applied to. It was just a case of you receiving good opportunities at the wrong time. That is what makes me sad about what happened to your college applications. What makes me happy and hopeful about your future though, is that your acceptance to these 2 universities means that you do have the mettle to succeed in an international academic setting. I mean, just think, not everyone is offered a student spot in the international campus of a university as you had the opportunity to consider.

I congratulate you on proving so many things to your self based solely upon your college application experience. I would like to thank you for allowing me to guide you and become an integral part of your life changing adventure. I am sure that you will succeed in any avenue of learning or profession that you choose to undertake in the future.

So you plan on taking a masters degree within 2 years? I will make sure that I will still be here to assist you when that time comes. Don't rush it though. Make sure that you have all the qualifying considerations ready on your part. Most specially the work experience and a matured and professional mindset. Consider your future career path this early and work towards it. That way, when you apply for masters studies, it will be a very obvious and logical next step towards a better career and future for yourself.

By the way, if you ever need my guidance again while you complete your college studies in Vietnam, don't forget that I will always be here at EF. Reach out to me anytime. I am always ready to assist you and inspire you if you feel you need it. I am not selfish with my guidance. All you have to do is ask for my help and you will get it. College is hard enough on your own. So if you need a friendly voice or just the advice of someone whom you can take inspiration from, I'm always here for you.

If I ever find myself in Vietnam in the future, I will make sure to send you a message first. I would love to meet any of the students from EF whom I have helped and who may want to meet me in the future. Stay in touch Khoa. You are always welcome to hang out here.

Scholarship / The sky is the Limit - applying for Chevening scholarship, leadership question [2]

Selwan, this is a personal statement, not a leadership and influencing essay. You need to pick up your revised essay from the point where you decided to become an architect. Think about how you had to prove your worthiness as a leader during a pivotal point in time during your early or recent past career. Make sure that you discuss your leadership in such a manner that your leadership traits (ability to direct your people, can work without supervision, etc.) are highlighted on the page. More importantly, tie in your leadership traits with examples of your ability to influence your subordinates or teammates.

Bear in mind that the leadership skill would greatly support the influencing portion of the essay if both traits can be connected in some way for the scholarship committee to consider. Normally, an essay for this topic focuses on a single leadership event and the development of the team work, rapport, or trust in the leadership of a person who was not previously a leader most often follows as it just falls into place within the essay. That is the influencing part that you need to discuss in connection to your leadership abilities.

This current essay is too much of a background essay that does not really respond to the leadership and influencing prompt of Chevening. It would be to your benefit if you wrote a totally new essay based upon my suggestions so that the prompt requirement will be better met by the new and more topic relevant essay you will be submitting.

Writing Feedback / To succeed, It is necessary to make sure that others know about your strengths or accomplishments. [4]

Chin, try to avoid making exaggerated claims such as "best basketball player on the planet" in your essays. It creates a non-academic tone in your writing and comes across as hyperbole to the reader. Just stick to basic statements that refer to facts without stretching the truth. That way your essay remains academic in tone and focused on the discussion topic instead. When you use examples in your essay, make sure to use more popular, widely known examples instead of referring to people who may be known only in your country. The effect of your recommendations and examples upon the reader should be to better inform them through example. If they do not know who you are talking about, the message of your statement is not as strong or effective. If you want to make a memorable statement, then use more international, rather than local based, figures in your report / essay.

The overall work on the essay feels rushed. Try to relax while writing next time. Don't think about the writing time allotment too much. That will prevent you from properly focusing on your essay discussion development. Were you writing this for a TOEFL test or something? If you were, then you are off to a good start. There will always be room for improvement in your written work though and it should always start at this point in your practice essay tests.

Writing Feedback / Museums are interesting mostly for tourists not locals. Reasons and solutions? [2]

Richard, this is a good essay with some slight problems. The first problem, is that you mentioned that there are 2 reasons that locals do not visit the museums. Don't discuss those reasons in just one paragraph. Give them separate paragraphs and extended discussions per paragraph so that you can give yourself a chance to create more complex sentences which will result in more advanced vocabulary use. These actions will increase your LR and GRA scores.

The next problem is with regards to the paragraph regarding proposed solutions. Use only one strong suggestion in this case. It is important not to overwhelm your paragraphs with information. One proposed solution is enough. The second one actually, is much stronger than the first and seems more applicable to the situation.

These essays are designed for single topic discussions per paragraph. Don't try to discuss two or more reasons in each paragraph, that is how you make mistakes and get lower score considerations.

Writing Feedback / ESSAY: Downloading songs and books is considered a crime. Do you agree or disagree? [2]

Nguyen, this is a very well developed discussion of a controversial topic. Your statements have made a mark on the reader and you have successfully argued your point of view. However, your concluding statement still contains additional information and opinions regarding the issue that do not belong at the close of the essay. These additional information require more paragraph development and build-up and as such, cannot be passed off as a closing statement or paragraph to the examiner. These information require you to continue the discussion of the given topic in a separate paragraph. You have to remember that the academic rule regarding concluding statements stands in these essays. That means, no new information may be introduced at the close of an essay because you will not be able to accurately develop the additional information within the remaining paragraph requirement. A simple summary of the discussion is what is required to close the essay. When you do not meet this criteria, your TA score will be largely affected in the final consideration.

Writing Feedback / The percentage of the population living in urban areas in the world and in different continents. [3]

Yulia, there are number of problems with your essay that indicate a possible failing score for it in an actual setting. These problems need to be addressed and corrected in your next essay if you are to begin to improve your writing skills to the point where you can possibly pass the test.

The first problem with your essay is the lack of analytical skill in the summary overview presentation. You did not spend enough time analyzing the information that you were provided so the summary was incomplete and this affected the overall essay presentation. The proper summary overview for the essay should be:

The bar chart provides information regarding the percentage of urban population. The urban populations in Africa, Asia, Europe, Latin America / Carribean, North America, and Oceana were the basis of the survey results. The survey was taken across various time frames namely in the 1950's and 2007, with a projection indicated for the year 2050. This essay will summarize the important points of the chart and deliver comparative information whenever possible.

Based upon the example above, you can clearly see where your first paragraph problems are located. You did not identify the type of illustration you were provided, what countries were included in the discussion, and what sort of discussion is forthcoming in the essay. Your trending statement should have been expanded to cover at least 2 more sentences in order to meet the minimum 3 sentence C&C requirement of the essay as well.

With regards to your information presentation, since the graphs include accurate percentage figures at the top of the bar charts, you need not use presumptive statements or references in the essay. When actual figures are given, factual statements should be applied. Rather than presumptive phrases, comparative phrases should have been used in order to depict a comparative analysis of the provided data.

You did your best to present the analyzed information from the essay. The problems that exist though became drawbacks for your work. These are obstacles that you will need to overcome in your next practice test. I am highly confident that you will be able to do that and I am looking forward to reviewing your next essay because of it.

Writing Feedback / GRE argument essay. Prunty County and highway safety. [3]

Aryan, where did the 25 percent number come from in your argument? Did you accidentally post an incomplete prompt instruction with the essay? I've reviewed the posting three times and I cannot, for the life of me, find the reference to that number coming out of the Butler County report. If it isn't in the report that you are arguing about then your argument becomes faulty. In my opinion, your score breakdown would be as follows:

Quality of ideas - 3
Organization - 4
Writing Style - 5
Grammar & Usage - 4

I have problems with increasing your score in terms of Quality of Ideas because of the information that does not seem to have source and yet, is presented as factual in the essay. Now, since the rest of your information does come from the provided discussion, this increased the probable score for your essay. Perhaps you did not fully post the original information that you were provided, which is why the essay seems to be using inaccurate information in your argument.

Overall though, you did an acceptable job in arguing this essay. If not for the problems with the facts in the essay, I was willing to score you higher because of the impressive showing that you made in terms of logically arguing the article provided.

Writing Feedback / Should young people follow traditions of their society or be free to behave as they will? [3]

Johnny, the essay asks you to discuss 2 points of view aside from your own. What you ended up doing was doing an extended discussion of your personal opinion instead. The essay requires 3 body paragraphs that indicate the discussions as follows:

1. Argue the side for the traditional beliefs
2. Argue for the free will belief
3. Argue for your personal belief in relation with the belief that you support (As such, the topic of bodies 1 and 2 are interchangeable).

Your opening statement does not properly represent the required paraphrasing either. There isn't any clear representation of the discussion and the required discussion format which should have been represented as:

These days, a discussion has been ongoing regarding young people and the traditions of their society. There are some people who believe that young people must be raised in the traditions of their culture. Others, believe that traditional cultures have to give way to the free will of young people, allowing them to behave freely within society. In this essay, I will be presenting the supporting facts for each side before finally discussing my personal opinion regarding the matter.

The purpose of the opening statement is to help you outline the discussion for presentation to the reader. That is why the prompts are provided in a specific reference manner. Your opening statement did not accomplish this task. Additionally, the essay does not discuss each point of view specifically either. As I previously mentioned, the essay focused solely on your personal discussion and nothing more. You need to make any references to either point of view, prior to your personal opinion clearer by actually making reference to the point of view as the topic sentence of the paragraph.

By the way, your personal opinion does not represent a concluding statement. That is nothing but an additional body paragraph. The concluding statement must show that you have the ability to analyze the discussion by once again, repeating the prompt requirement, then summarizing the important points in your discussion, before finally, repeating your personal opinion as the closing line of the discussion. If you accomplish all of these requirements in the set manner, you will be sure to pass the test on exam day.

Graduate / Med School Essay on Domestic Violence [3]

Danielle, that's a very pretty name you have there. It isn't a name that deserves the kind of treatment that you got from your ex-husband. Your story of survival and overcoming obstacles is very engaging and admirable. It is everything that a personal statement should be except, it doesn't jive with your interest in medical science. The experiences that you related would seem to align more with social sciences such as social work rather than medical studies. If you could somehow relate your medical situation after a serious altercation with your interest in medical science, then the story will make more sense and align itself with your desired story. Perhaps alter it a bit to explain that you almost lost your baby and you were impressed by how the medical doctors were able to help not only you, but your unborn child become healthy again after the ordeal. You need to create a medical epiphany for yourself in relation to your experience. Without that medical setting epiphany, your personal statement, which is geared more towards domestic violence, falls more under the family services and social work line of studies.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 [direct question] Why do people want to research their family history? [5]

Khanh, this being your first IELTS task 2 essay, I will go easy on you by not scoring your work. Instead, I will tell you which portions of the required elements you got wrong and how you should correct it. This being a standardized test of the English language, there are certain parameters that are set for you which you cannot change.

The first of these parameters has to do with the first paragraph. Known as the opening paraphrase, you this is the part of the test that is used to determine your English comprehension skills. This paragraph is the basis of whether you will pass or fail the entire test. In this case, you will have failed the entire test due to a number of reasons.

A major reason for your failing has to do with the main requirement of this paragraph which is, the accurate restatement of the original prompt requirements using your own words. What you did was an immediate discussion of the prompt topic instead of an introduction for the reader. The more accurate representation of this paragraph would have been:

There is an increasing interest in learning the history of one's family in certain areas of the globe. While this trend is one that may be viewed as a negative by others, I view this as a positive trend. The reasons for my positive belief will be explained below.

When you paraphrase the prompt, you only need to represent the very same data that is within the original prompt requirement. The example I provided accomplishes that task.

The other major reason for the failure of this essay has to to with the Task Accuracy portion. There are specific instructions set forth in the essay that dictate how the discussion is to proceed. In this instance, you were asked to discuss the trend of genealogy as either a positive OR negative development. You were not asked to "Discuss both points of view" as you did in your essay. Such a mistake in tackling the essay instructions proves that your English comprehension skills are not yet at the level where you will be able to handle intricate instructions from a native English speaking professor or instructor. Your inability to respond accurately to the prompt instructions will result in an automatic failing score. The mistake in your opening paraphrase led you to discuss a different essay topic from the one provided. Therefore, while you did present body of paragraphs for discussion, the discussion was not proper in context and as such, cannot be judged for passing consideration based on the remaining scoring criteria for this test.

Based on these 2 major problem points, it would be in your best interest to focus your lessons on properly understanding how to discuss the various discussion presentations in an IELTS test. You can do that by reviewing the other IELTS tests on this site and learning from their discussion methods and advice coming from other users and contributors as well.

Do not feel disappointed or angry. Use this essay as the inspiration to make you do better with the next one. I am sure you will show improvement because, just like all the other students reviewing for their test here, you too will learn from your mistakes and apply the corrections accordingly.

Writing Feedback / [TASK 1] Consumption of fish and different kinds of meat in a European nation [4]

Hi Minh, I daresay that you have accomplished something that very few of the participants have managed to accomplish on their first try of posting at this forum. That is, you actually hit on what I believe to be an essay worthy of a score of 7 based upon a number of considerations.

My first consideration for giving you this score is the fact that you went out of your way to critically analyze the data in the line graph. You managed to see the minute details such as the overlapping segments, which others before often missed out on reporting. This shows that you truly took the time to draft, revise, and re-examine the image that was provided to you for analysis.

The vocabulary that you used is impressive enough in its simplicity. I would like to remind you to spellcheck your words before submitting your paper though. There was a misspelling of "lamb" in the essay as "lamp". I am sure that you know what the difference is between the two words right? Mistakes like that, if repeated often enough in an actual test will result in a reduced score. I do not want that for you.

Finally, the biggest problem that I saw with the essay had to do with the summary overview. It needs more work. There was still information in the graph that should have been included in your statement such as the types of meat to be compared and the discussion instruction from the original prompt. Had you included those information in the paraphrased summary analysis, you would gained a higher score in the end.

Do me a favor next time and please include the original discussion instructions with your post. That way I can better analyze your essay for clarity and responsiveness. I am confident in the way that you wrote this essay only because the data for consideration is obvious and you really did a good job in the analysis portion. However, for your next essay, I wish to have a reference point for a more accurate analysis of your presentation. Which is why I will need the original instructions to be included in the post.

Again, you did very good work in this essay. I just hope that you can continue to show improvement or at least keep up with this score in your next practice essays. Keep up the good work. I am sure you have the ability to pass the test on the first try.

Writing Feedback / Map of Brandfield. New shopping mall project. [4]

Tran, this is a pretty acceptable summary of the map. However, there were some comparison points that you seemed to have missed out on in the map. Did you notice that there were some sections that overlapped in both sections 1 and 2? You did not report those overlapping areas in your comparison information for the essay. When the instruction instructs you to look for and report comparisons when relevant, that is a clue that you should look for overlapping portions in the illustration provided. The overlapping comparison points are there which is why you are being advised to look for those parts and report it. It isn't obvious at first glance, you need to look over the map a second time after you write your draft in order to make sure that you reported on all of the required points.

There was a mistake in the way that you wrote the summary overview. In your report, you did not make it clear that the 2 sites are being considered for the building of one mall. Your report makes it seem like there are going to be 2 malls built on 2 separate sites. That is not the case. By the way, you could have brought up the sentence about the trend to the summary portion in order to complete the minimum sentence count per paragraph. The task 1 essay is considered complete with 3-4 paragraphs reflected anyway. The third paragraph could have been the comparison points of the overlapping areas. No concluding statement is necessary in a Task 1 essay so your summary analysis would have been considered complete using my suggested presentation.

Writing Feedback / Gender equality at schools controversial topic research [3]

Nguyen, I understand that this is your first IELTS Task 2 practice essay. So you are not familiar at all with the writing requirements of the task yet. Let me set you straight on its requirements then because you currently do not write in the manner required of the task.

The first paragraph is used to outline the topic for discussion. This outline is based on the original prompt information and requires you to only paraphrase or restate the given information in your own words. This includes the instructions for discussion presented as the thesis statement at the end of the 5 sentence paragraph. No full discussion of information is required. You are also expected to limit your paraphrasing to only the material provided. So expanding the discussion to make reference to workplace and other related information is considered a prompt deviation. In your next practice test, just expand the discussion based solely on the provided information.By the way, you are required to provide us with the original prompt or discussion requirements along with your response essay for analysis purposes. Please don't forget to do that next time.

Another reminder, the concluding paragraph of the essay must never continue the discussion of the given topic. That is because the concluding statement is required to only do what the opening statement asked you to do as a recap. Meaning to say, you must again summarize the discussion topic, give a run down or summary of the details of the discussion, then repeat your opinion or any final information as required by the essay.

A personal opinion is always a stand alone paragraph that comes as the 4th paragraph in a 2 points of view plus personal opinion discussion essay. It is never a part of the conclusion as your point of view requires a thorough discussion development, just like the previous paragraph discussions.

The essay that you wrote is good. Your first 2 body paragraphs are well developed, discussed, and represented. It shows a clear analysis being performed regarding the given topic. You also have some acceptable English grammar and vocabulary skills. However, I cannot judge its prompt responsiveness and accuracy as you did not provide the prompt instructions along with your essay. The review I gave above is enough to help you get your next essay back on track though. Take note of the general comments as it applies to your next practice test.

I look forward to reading your next practice test along with its original prompt. Don't bother to post the prompt after my discussion for this essay because an official review can only be given once for every thread in this forum.

Research Papers / Drones, The Civilian Frontier Presents New Regulatory Challenges for America [2]

Chris, the opening statement needs more definitive thesis statement towards the end. What is the whole purpose for this research? If it is to have a look at the reasons why drone regulation in the US is lagging, then say so. If you plan to us the research to discuss the slow development of this tech in the U.S. and what it's potential in terms of U.S. military, commercial, and private use is, indicate that. Your body of research shows that the paper is discussing more than just the history of drones, so your abstract and opening statement will need to reflect that as well.

Towards the end of your paper, you discuss the effects of drones all over the world. Try to separate the discussion about its effects on the U.S. as a new sub-topic. That portion can actually be divided into two. The first being the current use of drones in the U.S. then a new topic about the future of drone use in the country in the foreseeable future.

Your information is good. It is factual and creates a sense of authoritativeness in the discussion. Just make sure that you are using less quotes and more paraphrasing with proper in-text citations in order to limit any possible and accidental "plagiarism" references should the professor decide to run this through a software. Good work. I think you have done very well in terms of informing your reader. You just need to clarify the points I indicated above in order to make the discussion clearer and more purposeful.

Writing Feedback / (IELTS) Why do you think some people are attracted to dangerous sports or other dangerous activities [5]

Hi Thuy, are you reviewing for the IELTS on your own or are you taking review classes? The reason that I ask is because you have not taken the proper approach to developing the opening statement of your essay. It is a common mistake for those who are reviewing alone to begin their discussion of the topic immediately in the opening paragraph. That is not the correct approach. Let me start you off on a tutorial that lists down the 5 basic elements of an IELTS paragraph:

1. The opening statement- contains a paraphrase of the original topic plus and outline of the upcoming discussion based on the prompt requirement. A thesis sentence is included at the end. No actual presentation of information or discussion takes place at this point.

2. Body paragraph - details the first discussion point relevant to the essay.
3. Body paragraph - represents an additional discussion point for the given topic.
4. Body paragraph - usually a personal opinion that supports the previous paragraph.
5. Concluding statement- a summary of the previous discussion and reiteration of the thesis statement.

You made mistakes in the opening statement and concluding paragraph in terms of discussion content. The body of paragraphs are informative, but still contain some marked errors that will result in a lower score being considered for your essay by the people concerned.

Another common error that exists in your essay relates to the sentence development. Each paragraph requires a standard of 3-5 sentences in order to meet the minimum and maximum sentence development representation per paragraph. The number of sentences in a paragraph normally allows the test taker to prove his English language skills in relation to GRA and C&C considerations.

Don't get me wrong, the essay that you wrote is good. It just has formatting and content problems because it is your first attempt at writing this essay. If you note my advice above and apply it to your future essays, your practice scores will improve and you will most likely pass the actual test. I look forward to guiding you up to the time when you take the test.

P.S. - Please include the full original prompt that you are responding to the next time you post a practice test here. If I know what the total instructions are, I can give you more relevant and accurate advice regarding your writing development. Thanks.

Scholarship / Being an Aries Man. Leadership & Influence Letter for Chevening Scholarship [4]

Moshtaq, it would be best for you to not use this essay in particular for the Chevening leadership and influencing application essay. It does not contain any reference to the actual demands that the scholarship essay considers when screening applicants. While the advice that Phowadoon gave is usable to a certain extent, the rest of it does not apply to your essay because it does not have the focus required. Create a new essay.

In this new essay, I want you to focus on only one thing, that is creating a narrative that showcases your leadership style. A definitive essay that indicates how you came to learn that you have leadership qualities and how this translated into your ability to influence people to do good or perform tasks that they normally would balk at doing. A good leader knows how to inspire his subordinates. That is what the scholarship committee looks for in a candidate.

A Chevening scholar needs to embody certain traits and qualities that will reflect positively upon the organization. The leadership and influencing traits that you depict in your essay need to make you competitive with the other applicants in the sense that your story must be impressive enough in its display of leadership and influencing. It should not have anything to do with your country at this point. Unless, you are leader in a government organization that is helping to alleviate the plight of your country. If not, then focus on a more serious, but still professional aspect of your leadership and influencing skills.

Writing Feedback / [Toefl] Buying a new technological device right away is better than waiting until many people... [4]

Matthew, please do not exaggerate the terms of the discussion being presented in the essays. Exaggerating by using terms such as "heated debate" in the essay, when none is referenced in the prompt means you are sensationalizing the statements. Stick to the original prompt tone as much as possible. Do not create unnecessary conflict and mistaken references where there are none. Yes, that could have an effect on your score in terms of your TA considerations.

It would also be best to use personal information, experience, or publicly known facts that are easily understandable to the readers. So when you reference the Law of Supply and Demand, there may be a tendency for the examiner to wonder why you have discussed something so technical in a basic discussion paper. While this is not wrong, it may not be considered the correct approach to the discussion.

You may also wish to reconsider using researched information and references in your statements because there is no access to Google at the exam center and also, when you make reference to certain studies, you need to include more verifiable information such as date of publication and method of publication, which would turn the essay into a research paper. Sticking to basic information and experience in reference to the given topic is always the most appreciated approach to these sorts of essays.

These comments not withstanding, you did very good work on the essay. There is a tremendous amount of improvement in your work. It shows in the manner that you have improved your presentation and are taking greater care to meet the TOEFL scoring requirements. You are not quite, but almost ready to take the test.

Scholarship / Losing my mother put me into the position of the leader in my family. Chevening essay [3]

Aye, this particular essay needs to focus more on the professional experience than the scattered presentation of leadership influence that this essay currently has. By focusing on the professional aspect of your leadership and the way that you influence those around you to get the job done, you will find that your essay will better highlight the necessary professional skills that the Chevening scholarship looks for in their candidates. You must strengthen your leadership role in the essay by focusing on a moment in time when you found your leadership skills challenged and your influence upon your immediate work group was necessary in order to overcome the challenges of the job. While I do not discount the influence of your parents and other people on your leadership style, the essay requires an approach that allows for the justification of your qualifications rather than just having you narrate these traits as you do now.

Writing Feedback / Some say that combative sports should be left out from the school curriculum, I disagree. [3]

Mao, good work on this essay. You showed a good understanding of the prompt requirements and offered some keen insight into the reasons that you disagree with the opinion of the original statement. It would be best though if you used more negative supporting terms at the start of your paragraphs in order to remind the reader that you support the opposing point of view. Terms such as "I disagreed with this opinion because..." for the first paragraph then for the second, you could have opted to use a more proper and supporting term such as "Another reason I oppose the removal of combative sports in school is..." Another option would have been to say, "While the opposing side believes that, I am of the opinion that..." These terms all work to strengthen your point of view in the essay. Good wrap up in the concluding paragraph. Excellent work. You should have gotten some pretty good marks in the various sections for scoring in an actual setting had this been the topic assigned to you.

Writing Feedback / The number of passenger in three distinct types of railway in The United Kingdom [3]

Ahmad, the accurate analysis of your essay cannot be presented because of the lack of the illustrations on your part. The images should have been uploaded so that a better comparison of your work in relation to the given information can be accomplished. With that said, I have to tell you that the essay that you presented lacks a number of skills in its presentation. The major problem with the essay is the format. While there is an incomplete overview and a simple trending statement, the ideal presentation for the essay is within 3-5 paragraphs. The lack of which, shows a less than stellar analysis of the information provided. There was simply no attempt on your part to even try to relate a more intricate representation of the images you were provided. Even the data you present in the second paragraph feels incomplete. Always aim to divide your discussion presentations into topic paragraphs in order to deliver a better analysis of the information you were provided. I cannot go further than this in my analysis due to the lack of image. I hope that you can provide an image for analysis along with your next practice test. I will be able to better assist you then.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS WRITING TASK 1] The charts below show the comparison of water usage for three important [3]

Abdul, your summary overview must include the type of measurement being used in the pie charts (percentages) and the three types of usage being presented. Remember, the overview summarizes the content of the pie chart and the vital information that will be discussed in the essay. This is a highly important part of the TA score. The more complete the summary, the higher your score in the end.

The essay needs to have 3-5 bodies of paragraph. The most ideal presentation has 4 paragraphs in it. This essay could have easily presented the ideal format if you had separated the third paragraph at the part that said , "On the other hand", because that phrase signifies a change in discussion topic, hence a new paragraph is required for that presentation.

Your connected paragraph sentences represent only 2 lines. You need to present at least 3 lines / sentences in order to be properly scored in the C&C section of the essay. If you manage to present 5 sentences, you will increase the possibility of your using more complex sentences, that could result in a higher GRA score for you.

This is not a bad presentation. It just needs to be improved in order to better your chances at a higher final score.

Scholarship / A small group of people may influence many [3]

@Hikmatullah This essay does not respond to any of the required prompts in a Chevening scholarship essay. Which prompt in particular is this supposed to respond to? This is not a leadership essay, not a networking essay, not a study plan essay. There is no personal statement requirement for masters degree Chevening applicants. If you meant this to show off your leadership and influencing skills then you have failed miserably. I am assuming that is the essay that you are aiming to respond to because in the title of the essay, you used the term "influence". The only Chevening essay that requires that keyword is the Leadership and Influencing essay.

If I am right and that is the essay that you are trying to write, then you must revise your essay to show more of your leadership and team management style than anything else. I cannot even consider this essay a Statement of Purpose because it does not present a sense of direction for your career or anything else. You are a masters degree student and you are applying for a Chevening scholarship so your essays need to specific to the scholarship program considerations. This essay does not do that so this is not the essay that is required for your application. Read the required essays for the application and write an essay based on the instructions that you will be provided.

Writing Feedback / America the Land of the Confined [3]

Sage, I don't get the point of this research paper. The extremely ill formatted opening paragraph does not contain any thesis statement. It is just a bunch of information that doesn't really create a direction for the paper. Nor does it contain any information that would tell me, as the reader, what this paper will be all about. Here is a suggestion, rather than just throwing together a bunch of ideas onscreen and hoping that it will come together, why don't you try to outline the paper first. That way you can review this collection of information and then decide which goes and which stays for your research paper.

The most important part of the research you have to come up with first, is the thesis statement. So make that the topmost part of your outline. From there, pick out the relevant information from this draft and position them in the outline according to relevance and importance in the presentation. Don't forget, these should represent the main and sub-topics of your research.

From that point, you should be able to better assess your information on hand in relation to your thesis statement. You have some pretty solid information in this draft. They just don't make any sense at the moment. Proper positioning, in response to the questions that your thesis statement hopes to provide answers to will help a lot in this instance.

Writing Feedback / Working from home: Effects? Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? [5]

Nguyen, you seem to have forgotten to post the full original discussion instructions for your essay in this post. It will be extremely difficult to determine the validity of your responses without the baseline that the original prompt requirements creates for me. That is the reference point for everyone here who wishes to help review your work.

I will congratulate you on writing so many words for this essay. However, the number of words that you used does not mean that you created an impressive essay in terms of content. Your essay is severely lacking in terms of discussion development because you used 3 reasons in one paragraph for the advantages and barely tried to explain the disadvantages. Without proper paragraph development, no amount of LR in relation to the word count will help to increase your score.

Limit your paragraph development to only 5 sentences per paragraph. That is the academic requirement for these tests. Do not go beyond it. This is not a test of English vocabulary skills. This is a test of being able to express yourself in an understandable manner in English. That means, you need to be able to prove to the examiner that you are capable of developing more than just simple English sentences as you do now. You need to focus on creating complex sentences and impressive task discussions instead. In order to create that impression, you will need to create a total of 5, properly developed paragraphs.

You only have 4 paragraphs here with the 3rd paragraph running longer than acceptable. Points will be lost for that extremely long paragraph. Remember, you only get to discuss one topic per paragraph. Don't bunch them all in. I counted 4 topics in the 3rd paragraph. That means you were not able to properly develop any of the discussion points. Instead of increasing your score, your score will be reduced instead.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 Topic: sports events. Type: Discuss both view [2]

Anh, there is a clear disconnection between what the original essay instructions are and what you are discussing in the essay. Please note that the original instruction for the discussion indicates:

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Rather than presenting an extent of (dis)agreement with the statement, you chose to instead:

discuss both views and state my own position.

Compare the two instructions. Do you see how different your approach to the essay is? Due to the fact that you did not discuss the essay in the manner that was instructed, this essay will only get one possible score in the TA section, 1. As such, the rest of the scoring criteria need not be considered anymore. You will get an automatic fail due to the fact that you created your own prompt instructions and discussed that rather than the representing a response to the original task assigned for discussion.

This is not a comparison essay. This is a single opinion essay. Your grave mistake just cost you the test. You are lucky that this is just a practice test. You can still redeem yourself and perhaps pass the future practice tests provided you take the time to really understand the original instructions and then represent its requirements in your response essay.

Writing Feedback / Job satisfaction and how to have job satisfaction from all workers [3]

Annie, you misunderstood the last question in the prompt. The question relates to whether or not an employee can find job satisfaction based upon a preset criteria. You presented the response in your opening statement as having employers try to provide job satisfaction to the employees. Those are two hugely different sets of criteria and sadly, your interpretation is the wrong one. In fact, your overall opening statement was placed into error because of this misunderstanding of the last question. The more appropriate opening statement would have been:

Job satisfaction is considered to be one of the important elements of an adult's well being at work. As such, it is believed that these workers have specific job requirements that need to be fulfilled in order to allow the worker to gain a sense of job satisfaction. The problem, is that there may be some difficulty when it comes to fulfilling job satisfaction criteria for workers in a real setting. This essay will discuss the factors that contribute to job satisfaction and whether or not these factors can realistically be achieved by employees in the workplace.

If you want to create a strong body paragraph, do not list your discussions in numerical order in a single paragraph. You need to individually discuss those points in separate paragraphs. Since you are limited to only 5 paragraphs, with 5 sentences each, that will not be a wise thing to try and do within 30 minutes. Your essay will receive a better score if you focus on discussing just one job satisfaction criteria, one that you think is the most valid, within one paragraph.

The remaining 2 bodies should then discuss the remaining questions being posed by the original prompt. Those questions relate to the possibility of creating the job satisfaction scenario in the workplace, and if it can truly be achieved in the modern day workplace. If you think it can be achieved, then explain why. If you think it can't, provide reason why you think it won't be possible. Those are the proper methods by which to discuss the essay instructions.

Try to expand on your concluding statement. Make an effort to deliver at least 3 sentences in your concluding summary statement so that you will have a better chance of gaining a higher C&/c score. The only requirement of that part of the scoring criteria is that you write an understandable complete paragraph. That is best done within 3-5 sentences. Show off your English writing skills as best as you can. Don't limit yourself to just one or two sentences per paragraph. Take advantage of the advised number of sentences per paragraph whenever you can.

Writing Feedback / Ielts; demand for electricity in England, common consumer usage [3]

Tran, there are two types of measurements provided for you to summarize. The instructions state that you must make comparisons where relevant as an additional discussion. All I see in the essay that you wrote are individualized summaries of the graph and chart. The comparison part was omitted in your essay. That is one major point deduction for your essay. Next, each paragraph is just composed of run-on sentences instead of individualized sentences that create a point of understanding for the reader. Since you are expected to write in complete paragraphs, expect some major points loss for this oversight as well. Finally, you decided to take too many shortcuts with your discussion. There was a failure for you to use all of the important numerical data provided in both images. At the rate your essay messed up, there may not be any score left to give you. You can probably get a score of 4 at the most for this essay. I am not sure why you performed this way in the creation of this essay. I had hoped to see some marked improvement on your part by now that would have resulted in at least a 6 score for your essay work.

Writing Feedback / Wild animals have no place in the 21st century, so protecting them is a waste of resources. Agree? [3]

Le, the essay is asking for you to agree or disagree with the previous statement. What it does not ask you is if you believe the animal needs protection. It is a given that the animals need protection. That is not the issue in this essay. The issue is if you think that protecting the animal is a waste of resources. There is nothing in your response that indicates that you understood what the prompt is asking you to discuss. If anything, you showed that your English comprehension skills are lacking because you did not accurately respond to the prompt on the basis of the information for consideration that you were given. The essay shows that you are responding to a question that is different from the prompt provided. In an actual test, this sort of prompt deviation will automatically result in a failing mark. I strongly suggest that you learn how to analyze the given prompts before you draft a response. Review the available prompt requirements on this forum and learn what the differences are between them. Prepare accordingly for the practice tests. The topics for discussion will not vary too much from the previous practice tests, so use those tests in order to familiarize yourself with the method of responding to various prompt requirements.

Scholarship / Chevening Scholarship essays on Leadership and influence; early experiences [2]

Dan, there is a one essay per thread policy for the free review at this forum. Therefore, a review can only be given for the topmost essay that you posted in this thread. The rest of your postings will be ignored by the other participants here or the admin will delete the rest of them. If you can, delete the other essays, if you can't, then ask the admin to do it for you. You risk being suspended from the forum if you do not fix that problem as soon as you can.

While I can see the importance of your perceived leadership experience at the age of 10, that is not the kind of leadership that the Chevening reviewers are looking for. They will be looking for more recent and profession related leadership skills and proof of influencing. Try to find a more recent leadership example to provide. All of the other applicants will be presenting highly technical and professional experiences in this field. If you present such as simple example of leadership and influence, most specially at such a young age, you will automatically be disqualified from the running in the scholarship considerations. Don't use the essay that you wrote as it will not serve its purpose. Develop a new essay that is more mature , profession related, and relevant in presentation.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2 - The pros and cons of being watched [2]

Jennie, you used the wrong representation in the final sentence of you opening paraphrase. It is important that you accurately depict the discussion instruction of the essay in this instance. Therefore, your final line should have read as follows:

While there are some disadvantages to the the fact that people are easily watched these days, the advantages of constant surveillance cannot be ignored. This essay will discuss the reasons why the advantages of being watched outweigh its disadvantages.

While I will grant that your succeeding paragraphs are well within the parameters of the required discussion, the final paragraph, the closing summary statement, should not have continued the discussion. Since that is what you did in this instance, then the essay will lose points for not properly representing a closing statement in terms of GRA considerations. Your closing statement should have indicated:

In conclusion, the above information proves that although there are some negatives for consideration when it comes to the constant surveillance of the public, there are still more advantages to the watchful eye of the cameras. While privacy may be lost in the process of protecting people, a clear sense of security is gained from the existence of the CCTV cameras. Therefore, the advantages of constantly being watched far outweigh its disadvantages.

Taking these errors into consideration when assessing your work, I believe that you could probably score up to a 5 with this essay. It carries valid discussion points, may have some grammar problems that do not impede the understanding of your message, and requires a bit of proofreading, the thought process that was involved in its development is clearly seen and therefore, allowed you to be considered for a better score.

Writing Feedback / Ielts task 2, topic: management, type, money reward: Discuss and solution. [4]

Tran, I think that you can score as high as a 6 with this essay. You have really taken great pains to try and represent the discussion in a coherent and cohesive manner. Unfortunately, this attempt was marred by your lack of proofreading. There are numerous spelling mistakes in this essay which could have been avoided if you had bothered to double check yourself before submission. Your attempt to use complex words also backfired as you did not accurately use the word "page" in the essay. In fact, I have no idea what you mean by using the term "page" in the essay. It did not fit nor make any sense in the sentence / paragraph that the word was located in. There are also a few run-on sentences in the essay that created extra long sentences when it should have been divided into 2 sentences in the second paragraph. You did not do a bad job in writing this essay. The only problem I could find is that you did not really think to pay attention to your sentence development and grammar structure. That adversely affected your work and thus, lowered your final score when, if written properly, you could have easily reached a 7 with this essay.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS task 1]The charts below show the proportions of British students at one university in England [8]

Lao, the essay is not as informative as it should be. The summary overview is confusing as you do not use the keyword "year" when presenting the number 2000 and 2010. It is important that you represent a proper summary outline in the essay by also including the types of languages for consideration in the pie chart. The proper discussion for this essay should have presented all of the information for each year in separate paragraphs before creating a comparison discussion in the 3rd paragraph of the essay leading into the 4 and final paragraph. Since you did not accurately represent all languages and you neglected to use the exact percentage figures for all the information provided, it would be extremely difficult for you to get a higher than average score for this essay. You will only get a barely passing score in this instance. That will even depend upon the minor scoring considerations that the examiner will have to take into account while analyzing and scoring your work.

Writing Feedback / Methods of measuring learning in educational settings [5]

Nguyen, you are only being asked for your opinion about exams. Therefore, there was no requirement for you to have presented those alternatives to exams in the essay. That is, unless you did not provide the complete prompt for me to consider? In which case, the advice I will give you will either be incomplete, irrelevant, or simply wrong. In the essay that you wrote, you should have simply separated the various topics that you chose to discuss in little developed sentences in the second paragraph. You had more than enough information in there to be able to complete the 3 body of paragraphs required for the essay. Don't forget, you only get 5 sentences per paragraph. So when you discuss more than 5 sentences using various topics in one paragraph, you are ensuring that you get the lowest possible cohesiveness and cohesion score that you can get. That is not what you want to do. Aim to discuss each topic in a separate paragraph in order to gain a higher possible score for the relevant portions of the test. Basically, this is a half-baked essay that would not get you a very good score in the end.

Graduate / SOP for masters entrance program for predictive analytics: need critique and have to shed 50 words! [2]

Tonya, unfortunately, you have taken the wrong approach to writing the SOP. What you have here is a personal statement that could be used for a college application. It does not contain any of the required information for a statement of purpose. A statement of purpose for a masters degree program is not a narrative essay. Rather, it is an academic and professional biography set within 500 -750 words. In that essay, you need to represent a number of important information.

The first bit of information that you have to represent is what your current career is and how this led you to this choice of masters degree studies. Tell the reviewer how your interest in this field developed professionally and then, include any reference to relevant training sessions or seminars that would show how you have prepared to take this masters degree.

After that, you can sum up your college education and how it relates to your interest in predictive analytics. Don't delve too much on your college information. Just discuss the salient points relevant to your application. Things like what your degree is, what your thesis was (if it relates), and any awards or recognition you might have won during that time.

From there, you need to outline your career plan for the immediate future. This is the part where you tell the reviewer about how you hope this masters degree can help you get ahead in your career over the next 5 years. Transition it into a paragraph that then explains why you feel that Northwestern can train you best in this line. Offer an insight into your interest into their training programs, potential internships, and whatever else might be of interest to you as an academic offering from this university.

Close the essay on a hopeful note and reiterate your excitement at the possibility of becoming a member of the student roster during the upcoming semester.

Use the above notes to revise your essay into the proper format and content. After you complete this revision, your SOP should be ready for use.

Writing Feedback / Besides making money, enterprises should also have public responsibilities [3]

Bui, here is something that you need to know about the prompt requirements. Unless the instruction says "Discuss both points of view" you do not need to use the compare and contrast essay discussion that you used in this essay. The correct format to use is the "opinion" discussion method because the instruction asks you to do a specific thing, discuss either your agreement or disagreement with the given statement. "OR" indicates that you have to make a choice in the discussion. Only one opinion should be represented in the essay, not both. Additionally, you presented a personal opinion, without proper justification in the concluding sentence of your essay. The personal opinion, if one is required separately from the rest of the discussion, must always be given its own paragraph for discussion and reasoning. In this instance, the whole essay is supposed to be a personal opinion essay so all you had to do was use first person pronouns in the discussion. That would have more than created a better scoring essay than this one. The mistake in your discussion approach really cost you a passing score in this instance.