Writing Feedback / Task 1 Ielts: Bar graphs about the sales of music albums [4]

Tran, when you write the summary overview, do not begin the discussion immediately by presenting actual information. The requirement for the summary is that you only detail the topic for discussion, the type of chart presented in the illustration, what the discussion requirements are, and how you plan to present the discussion to the reader. The trending discussion that you presented in the first paragraph should have been placed in the second paragraph instead since that is a totally different and fully developed discussion on its own. Remember, it's one full discussion per paragraph. Not 2 half developed discussions per paragraph. Also, rather than using fractional terms in your presentation, use percentage estimates instead. That would be the better and safer estimation term to use since the graph information was offered in percentage terms and would therefore, be easier for the reader to understand. Your second paragraph lacks information. It is just hanging there. You require a 3rd sentence to complete the paragraph. What information do you have on hand that will confirm that rock overtook pop in the graphs? Always make sure that you represent each phase of information in the essay. As for the final score, I think you would get around a 5 overall for this sort of work in an actual setting.

Scholarship / I've been living in a bungalow my whole life - influenced environment [6]

Martin, the story that you shared is very informative and portrays the family and school community that you were raised in. However, there was very little in terms of character development on your end that was represented in the essay. The way you describe yourself to the reader, as the story progresses, is almost superficial in terms. What the reviewer needs is an in-depth look at one particular side of your personality, the one that had the most impact upon your character development as a person, so that he can tell what kind of possible student you will be at UT and if you will blend well into their international community of students.

In my opinion, it would be better if you just focus on one aspect of the suggested essay discussion topics. I think you were confused a bit and thought that you had to discuss all 3 when in reality, you just had to choose and develop one topic for the essay. That will not only reduce your word count, but also allow you to better represent the evolution of your character development within this written interview.

Scholarship / My leadership twofolds my professional and social life. [3]

Allere, even before I begin to critique your essay regarding its content, I first need to call your attention to the dismal presentation of your essay. It lacks paragraphing in order to separate the discussion points, it has numerous punctuation mistakes (commas and periods following one another), does not accurately capitalize words at the start of discussions, and so on and so forth. You really need to work on proof reading your essay. You cannot present this essay in this format to anyone except your editor. Which I guess, I am, in this case.

With regards to the content, I wish that you have included the prompt requirement for the scholarship essay that you are writing. I am really worried that the lack of focus on the way that you presented your leadership skills will affect the consideration of your application. Specially since you made it appear that you single handedly effected a change in your country's political climate by instigating a national election. I don't think that is what you meant right?

In the discussion of your professional life, I think you need to be aware of the fact that the series of sentences that you wrote in that section are confusing and causes undue strain for the reader. The intent and topic of those sentences are unclear and difficult to understand because of the problems in grammar development and sentence structure.

Try to properly format the essay first and then make sure that you properly write the paragraphs. Making sure that each paragraph has a topic sentence and that the topic sentence is clearly explained in each paragraph. Divide the essay into paragraphs so that you can better assess your presentation and topic discussions for relevance and competent writing.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS Task 2]Should museums charge for admission [2]

Jiawen, your paraphrasing of the prompt requirements is misrepresenting the original intent of the writer and also, incomplete in presentation. There is no controversy regarding this discussion and yet, there seems to be a trend among the Chinese students towards "sensationalizing" the prompt requirements. These are academic discussions. There may be debates but not controversies. It is important that you reflect the original sentiment and intent of the writer. A good paraphrase is one that does not alter the original message of the previous writer but merely, relays it using the most accurate methods possible. Take for example the method by which I paraphrased this prompt:

There are a number of museums that charge admission fees from its visitors. Then there are some museums that allow "free of charge" admission to those that wish to see their exhibits. Some people believe that there are advantages to the charging of museum entrance fees and that these negate the disadvantages it may pose to the visitors. In this essay, I will discuss whether charging admission fees have more advantages than disadvantages for the museum itself and its visitors.

Notice the sense of analysis regarding the instructions and topic for discussion? These are the elements that the examiner will be looking for in the paraphrased opening statement. This type of presentation allows you the opportunity to show off your English comprehension skills, which in turn, increases your Task Accuracy score. Once you get a high TA score, the rest of the scores will normally match that as well.

The essay that you wrote is incomplete because all you have are body paragraphs after the inaccurate paraphrasing that you presented. What is missing in the essay is the concluding statement. The wrap up of the discussion normally found in the 5th paragraph is not represented in this essay. Therefore, in terms of TA, you will be losing major points.

Your discussion is sound and relevant. I will accept these are being highly analytical of the issue and proof of your English comprehension skills to a certain extent. I hope that you can expand these skills towards the problem points that I pointed out in the earlier part of my observation. Do that and you are guaranteed to pass the test.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay task 2: Food can be produced cheaper if we use... [2]

Thu, in an IELTS Task 2 Essay, your personal opinion, though required by the prompt, is not to be given in the opening statement. This is a common mistake that most first timers make because of their eagerness to show off their English skills. The problem with placing your personal opinion sentence in the opening statement is that it requires an immediate follow up explanation. Since you are limited to only 5 sentences per paragraph, it is not advisable to start a discussion in the opening statement that cannot be completed there. So save the personal opinion for presentation in the next paragraph. Instead, close the opening statement with, "My personal opinion regarding this matter will be discussed in the succeeding paragraphs.". That acknowledges the prompt instruction for the discussion and also strongly closes that paragraph.

Next, since this paper is all about your personal opinion and nothing else, make sure that it is known from the very start of the 2nd paragraph by indicating, "Personally, I believe that..." Always use use the first person pronouns in the essay in order to keep the ownership of all the statements. Also, refrain from trying to discuss too many reasons in one paragraph. That leaves you with hanging sentences since you cannot complete multiple discussions in one paragraph. The examiner expects to read only one fully developed paragraph. Take advantage of that simple expectation by developing the heck out of that reason in that paragraph. You are guaranteed a higher score that way.

Finally, we come to the conclusion. You must always use this portion to summarize the content of the essay you wrote for the benefit of the reader. It serves as a reminder of the topic and the outcome of your personal opinion. Nothing more, nothing less. The presentation of new ideas or facts, as you did here, means that the discussion is not over, even if you did say "In conclusion", because you need to further develop the ideas that you just presented. Ergo, it is not an ending but a continuation of the discussion. When you say "In conclusion", you have to do exactly that. Conclude the statement.

Writing Feedback / Early cultivation of children's interest in learning second language [2]

Lucy, this essay is very confusing to read. You failed to properly paraphrase the prompt requirements in the opening sentence and then you proceeded to create explanations that do not have a clear point to make. It is a very weak essay that uses improper English terms (there is no such term as "un-mother tongue"), has tremendous problems with grammar structure and sentence development, and also punctuation errors (when showing ownership the apostrophe comes before the S as in "student's" if you mean the plural form, then no apostrophe is required). You need to recall your word formation rules such as when to use "a" and "an" before a word (Hint: It has to do with consonants and vowels).

My main concern here is the fact that you did not understand the prompt requirements. Using controversial terms like "heated debate" when nothing of the sort is spoken of in the text makes it seem like you are sensationalizing the essay for the sake of the lexical resource score. Do not do that. Be academic at all times. You are not writing for a paparazzi newspaper. You are writing for an academic thinker. So do not use terms that are not implied in the original prompt. Here an example of a proper paraphrasing for this essay:

Experts are divided on the issue of foreign language learning. Some experts, believe that it would be best for students to learn a foreign language as early as primary school. Others, believe that the teaching of a secondary language should be delayed until high school. This essay will compare the scenarios for both types of language learning and compare whether or not foreign language learning either in primary or secondary school has more advantages then disadvantages.

Since the prompt did not require you to state a personal opinion, there was no need for you to do so. It is considered a prompt deviation for which you will be scored down. Just stick to the discussion of the material based on the instructions provided.

Writing Feedback / [Toefl] Compared to when our grandparents were young, life is more comfortable and easier these days [3]

Matthew, first of all, please make sure that you post the essay for review in the correct forum. You posted this in the scholarship section and since it does not belong in this part of the forum, you risk having the admin delete this post and the entire thread along with it. Just as when you take the actual TOEFL test, you will need to follow specific instructions or fail the test. I strongly suggest that you practice that skill here in order to make sure you are capable of following instructions in the proper manner.

As for your essay, I wish you had posted the actual prompt along with your essay. I do not have the time to go searching for the prompt requirements just so I can properly assess and review your essay. That is your job. Without it, you know I cannot guide you with regards to your problem points. Kindly make sure to always post the prompt with the essay each time so that I don't have to waste my time reminding you to do that. Thank you.

Now, for the essay that you wrote. It is informative. It showcases the knowledge that you have regarding the growing up years of our grandparents as opposed to ours. The problem, is that you have spent one whole paragraph only partially discussing the benefits of our life over our grandparents. The proper discussion (if allowed by the original prompt) would have been to first, represent the life of our grandparents in a complete paragraph presentation, then second, present how our lives are much better because of technology in the second paragraph. That way, the concluding discussion would have had a better focus that did not beat around the bush so much in terms of presentation. A direct approach is always best when writing time constraint essays. The more direct your sentences, the more complex they become, the more impressive they are to read. Try to avoid writing so many run-on sentences as you do in this essay. Keep it short but informative. We don't need long and boring. We need short and interesting.

Writing Feedback / Purchasing other countries' products in the same place [3]

Wendy, let me break down the score for your essay:

TA - 6
C&C - 4
LR - 6
GRA - 6

I am being lenient here because you did have some glaring mistakes in spelling and you had a repetition of words in your final paragraph. I had to score down your C&C because there were instances in the essay when you did not offer completely developed paragraphs, such as in your opening statement and concluding paragraph, and there was also some confusion in the paragraph discussions because you tried to discuss too many topics at once. Just discuss one topic at a time. You are not expected to present multiple reasons within the allotted time. You are however, expected to present understandable and fully developed discussions within the time frame. That can only be done by limiting the topic coverage of each paragraph.

You did well in presenting only the positive aspects of the essay. The instruction calls for you to make a decision, either you discuss the topic as a positive or as a negative. You should never discuss both when the keyword "OR" is located in the instruction sentence.

As for your question about not having something to say in an essay once you see the topic, the response to that is simple. You get a score of 0. It is an automatic fail because you did not even attempt to try and respond to the given question. Unfortunately, there is no cure for mental block. Just try to relax, take a deep breath and make sure you keep an open mind about the given topic on exam day. I guess the best way to prepare will simply be to keep writing practice essays. You might end up with a similar question come exam day. Although, the exam questions are retired with every test that is given so that is not likely, but, you'll never know right?

Don't think about the possible negative events that could happen. At this point, do your best to build up your confidence instead. We can try to help you do that by helping you with your essay analysis and advice but the self-confidence on exam day, that can only come from within you. So try to find that place inside your mind and heart that will help you calm down enough to survive exam day. It is there, you just need to allow yourself to fall into it.

Writing Feedback / Causes of land degradation and deforestation in 1990's - IELTS1 [6]

@kjra178 This is an essay that shows how little effort you put into perfecting the presentation of your paper. There are numerous spelling and grammatical errors strewn throughout the essay that you failed to edit and proof-read either due to lack of time or worse, you just did not care to double check yourself. These mistakes in grammar, (such as spelling Agricultural as agicultutal). You are capitalizing words that are not proper nouns in the middle of sentences and failing to make any sense in some sentences that you wrote. Specifically, in the first sentence of the first paragraph.

There is a lack of proper sentence structure and development in that sentence so I really cannot understand what it is that you are trying to say there. The outline summary is also incomplete as it does not include a paraphrase of the original prompt instructions for the discussion. Basically, you are looking at severely low scores in the LR and GRA section of the scoring process. The TA may not score highly either because of the problem with your summary presentation.

Overall, the examiner will take a look at this essay and have only one opinion of you that will affect your final score, you just did not care to pass the exam, which is why all of these mistakes abound in your work.

Writing Feedback / [Toefl] an effective leader should try to make others part of the decision making process [13]

Man, I have done my best to wait for you to upload the TOEFL prompt instructions before saying something about the work that you have done on the essay. I can wait no longer because you are starting to get advice that feeds your ego but does not really help you improve as an academic writer, which is what the TOEFL essay requires you to represent in your essay.

As Gang pointed out, the lack of proper prompt instructions will prevent me from offering you a detailed analysis of your work which could have helped you improve in the way that you write certain types of essays. However, that will not prevent me from offering you a general review of your work.

You are right about your essay not having a focal point and being all over the place. This is caused by the lack of focus and proper reasoning in your discussion paragraphs. While you did write an applicable 4 paragraphs worth of discussion material, the fact that you discussed 2 sides each time in every paragraph caused you to not create an totally applicable response to whatever prompt it is your are trying to respond to.

Each paragraph that you wrote only qualifies as a quarter of a response. Not a full response. This happens why you try to show off your English vocabulary skills instead of your English thinking and reasoning skills. The latter being the very reason that you are taking the test in the first place. Focusing your response to only one reason and then developing supporting data in order to prove your point is better than doing a side by side analysis of the 2 sides of every reason in one paragraph. The best written essays are the ones that offer one pro and one con discussion per paragraph. Not inclusively in each paragraph.

In all honesty, I cannot figure out the direction your essay is trying to take. I really wish that you had uploaded the instructions for the essay instead of just letting it slide. Like Gang said, I can only help you if you provide me with the instructions for the essay. Only then can I point out the problem points and offer insights as to how you can improve your work.

Writing Feedback / (IELTS Task 1) The graph below shows the proportion of four different materials that were recycled.. [3]

Vanson, the summary overview needs to indicate a complete representation of the provided instruction points in the original post. That is because the overview serves as the outline that the reader can refer to in order to keep track of the discussion should he lose his place while reading. It is meant as a reference for the reader and therefore, should be in complete representation of the prompt elements at all times.

Your opening statement and your concluding statement do not qualify as complete paragraphs for the purposes of GRA and C&C scoring considerations. You need to present at least 3 sentences in order to qualify the lines as a complete and developed paragraph for the C&C section. While the extended sentences help you to showcase your GRA skills by creating more sentences that prove your understanding and usage skills when it comes to the English language. The longer and more properly developed your sentences are, the better scoring considerations you will get overall.

Try to avoid run on sentences as you have in the concluding statement. Always use opt to use full stops (periods) instead so that you create more appropriate simple or complex sentences in the process. Your presentation is acceptable to a certain degree and should not get a shabby final score in the overall consideration. I might pass, but not at the high level one would expect.

Writing Feedback / The charts below show the percentage of water used for different purposes in six areas of the world [3]

@wuchunhung0927 You can probably score a 4 with this essay. The reason that I believe you can only get this score is because you did not accurately use all of the data that was provided in the pie charts and you did not accurately represent the requirements of the overview statement either.

The opening paragraph, also known as the summary overview, should have included a reference to the 6 countries that were to be compared, as well as the instructions regarding how the information given is to be compared and presented to the reader. Without these outline details, your summary was incomplete and not so informative to the reader.

You made references to possible figures on some parts of your essay. That is not necessary because the precise percentages were presented. Therefore, a sense of factual presentation should have been found in the paragraphs where the information is discussed. By the way, you left out a tremendous amount of information from the pie charts in your essay. That is why you feel like it is redundant and not so informative. Grouping the discussion by section of water use was a good move on your part. Not providing the percentages per country was a mistake. There were a number of observation and comparison points that you missed out on presenting because of that error in your presentation.

Not all of your paragraphs are complete. As far as the Coherence and Cohesiveness requirement of the essay is concerned, you are required to present complete paragraphs in order to prove a developed discussion. A complete paragraph carries a minimum of 3, maximum of 5 sentences with which to allow you to completely and accurately present the information previously provided.

Scholarship / Writing a detailed study plan / future plan [3]

Tracy, you have taken a hugely informal tone in the writing of this essay. It does not show a lot of respect towards the reviewer. You do know that Koreans are very big on respecting people in authority right? This essay doesn't really display that much respect. It is too relaxed and casual. Always remember to show respect towards the reader and be academic at all times. The KGSP essays are all formally written and do not take the same liberties as the western university applications allow for certain prompts.

Don't divide your essay into sections as you have now. You need to present the essay as a free flowing but interconnected series of discussion points. That means, you need to include transition sentences at the end of your paragraphs in order to prepare your reader for the upcoming change in discussion topic.

Your goal of study is unclear. I think this is because you spent too much time trying to make it seem like the course you are interested in is something that comes very easy to you. Focus more on presenting the explanation regarding the goal of your studies and why these goals are important to you and your career. The introduction you wrote doesn't help you achieve that. In fact, your presentation of your study goals are not impressive nor informative at all. Focus on the purpose of the study goal. Don't talk about how we are all hustlers and stuff like that. Think of the title of your research proposal, the thesis statement it wishes to respond to, and what you hope the outcome of that research will be instead.

As for the detailed study plan, start with your second year in Korea instead. Assume that you passed the TOPIK qualifying exam so you were allowed to continue with your studies in Korea. Delve on a discussion that explains how you will use the opportunity to create industry networks that will help you complete your research studies and also allow you to create contacts that could help you improve the entertainment industry in your own country upon your return.

For your future plans, don't be so negative in your discussion. Discuss instead, how you plan to gain full employment in Korea for 3-5 years in order to add to your training. Explain why you believe that this period of employment is important to your future plans upon your return to Africa. Don't call it "understudy" because you will have completed your studies by then.

Writing Feedback / Change is an integral part of every existence, should we avoid it? [2]

Minh, we only review one essay per thread in this forum. That is a set rule that cannot be changed. So I will not be reviewing your Task 1 essay. I will focus on your Task 2 essay instead since that is at the top of the page. Please delete the second essay and post it separately for a more accurate review of that work.

Your Task 2 essay will get a score of 1 in the overall consideration. The essay that you presented, while somewhat representing the original prompt, does not accurately follow the instructions you were given for the discussion. You provided a personal opinion essay throughout your work, without the discussion of the two points of view prior to that. This was clearly instructed in the original prompt requirement.

The examiner will immediately see this mistake and come to the realization that you are not capable of understanding English based instructions yet. As such, he will give you a failing score due to your failure to properly address the task set before you. Since this error falls under the Task Accuracy section of the essay, this is an immediate failing grade and the remaining 3 scoring considerations will no longer be addressed / scored. There is no sense in doing that since you did not follow the instructions given to you in the first place.

Writing Feedback / Discuss about the government should put money on medical care and education or theatres and sports [3]

Nguyen, a well developed essay that properly discusses the required information as required by the prompt will total 5 paragraphs covering the following:

1. The paraphrased discussion statement;
2. First opinion;
3. Second opinion;
4. Personal opinion;
5. Concluding statement.

Following the above format will cover all of the necessary discussion requirements of the essay. Depending upon the demands of the prompt, an essay will cover anywhere from 3-4 paragraphs. There is no set rule regarding the number of paragraphs. It varies depending upon prompt expectations.

Your essay is extremely difficult to follow due to the fact that you only present reasons without supporting facts. The lack of coherence and cohesiveness in your discussion will you lost points in your essay. Limit each paragraph to only one reason that is supported by at least 3 more sentences explaining the reason you indicated. That accurately develops the paragraph and falls within the required number of sentences.

The biggest mistake in your essay is that you decided to limit your personal opinion to a single line in your closing statement. The personal opinion must be as well developed as the other paragraphs in order to be accepted as a logical line of reasoning in your essay. With this mistake, you further lost significant points that could have helped you pass this test. A closing statement is just that, a summary of the discussion within 3-5 sentences that does not introduce a personal opinion or new ideas as the introduction of any of those discussions will lead to an extended essay discussion on a paragraph basis instead.

Undergraduate / Education back ground and life experience [5]

Boniface, please tell me that you are not going to submit this essay to a foreign university in the hopes of studying overseas. The essay itself does not meet international standards. It lacks coherence due to the confusing telling of your personal story, contains numerous spelling errors caused by the usage of wrong word terms in the paragraphs (grate instead of great for example), and basically, leaves the reader to correct more than an acceptable amount of grammatical mistakes on your part to make the sentences and paragraphs understandable. This needs a tremendous amount of work in order to properly revise it. I strongly recommend that you use our "Urgent" or "Services" in order for me to better assist you in the revising of this essay. I am not sure about how to advise you regarding how to start your corrections to this essay because you did not really provide the original instructions from the university regarding how this essay is to be written. Without the prompt, I won't even know where to begin the final analysis of your written work. All I can tell you is that this essay is very touching, but may not be able to deliver the kind of impact that you expect it to.

For one, it focuses too much on the drama of your family life, specifically your father and your mother. In these sorts of essay, it is best to not divide the attention of the reviewer between so many settings. Since we are only discussing your life and educational background, don't focus so much on how your father treated your mother, nor the role of your step family so much. There are too many sub stories going on in this essay. You need to focus on one important aspect of your family life and then, your educational life. Don't make this an autobiography. Keep it short. The reviewer doesn't have the time to wade through all this information. He just needs the pertinent facts delivered upfront, sans too much dramatic effect in your writing.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS TASK 1]The graph below shows the rate of smoking per 1000 people in Someland [3]

Gang, I think you are looking at a 7 to 7.5 essay here. There were some portions that you forgot to mention in the summary overview, such as the instructions for the discussion (make comparisons where relevant, etc.). Also, since this is an academic paper, do not use the term "sex" to describe the male and female listing for comparison. Instead, use the more academically respectful term "gender" and then indicate male and female. If there is an "Others" section of the gender assignment, indicate that as well.

Always present the data in chronological form. So that means the overall trend discussion should be placed in the last section of the paragraph. The trending discussion is always last in presentation because that showcases the overall analysis of the given information. By first presenting the individual information, per section, you will allow the reader to better understand and also, expect the trending paragraph towards the end.

Good work! You should be writing band 8 score essays in no time. By the way, since the word 8 starts with an "E" the correct term is 'I challenge myself to pursue AN 8." Remember your "A" and "AN" grammar lessons in school ? "A" for consonant starting words. "An" for vowel starting words.

Writing Feedback / Patience. What is your approach to problem-solving? TOEFL Independent Essay [3]

Majd, you are writing an academic essay. Therefore, the response needs to be direct and informative. You need not bother with flowery introductions to the topic as you do here. You are not only wasting space on the page, you are also wasting valuable time in developing your essay response. Since the reviewer will have only a few moments to decide whether or not to continue reading your essay, it is best to represent your response as soon as possible with this first paragraph. For a TOEFL essay, the first paragraph must only contain the following information DIRECTLY:

1. A restatement of the prompt - e.g People have different approaches to problem solving.
2. Introduction to the discussion - e.g.I have a particular approach to problem solving that works very well well for me.
3. Subject sentence - e.g. By applying patience to problem solving, I come up with the required solution to the problem.
4. Additional information - e.g. I will discuss how patience helps me solve problems by presenting details below.

Now, as Gang mentioned you need to use the pronouns "Me, myself, and I" within the paragraphs, in the most applicable forms because this essay is all about your opinion, your experiences, your reasons. Therefore, ownership of all statements is a requirement. Your generalized presentation does not bode well for the final consideration of your score because you have not given specific instances within the essay that relate to your experience of problem solving through patience.

Again, the mistake in the concluding statement. It is not the place for additional information. Just sum up the discussion points in the essay and close. Sum up:

1. The topic discussed
2. The response you gave
3. A summary of your reasons
4. closing sentence.

You almost fulfilled this requirement in your closing paragraph. The problem is that instead of saying "It is because of these reasons that I believe patience helps me solve problems." You created a new point of discussion by saying,


That created the opening for a whole new discussion instead of simply closing out the discussion.

Writing Feedback / Study and other activities in student life [3]

Quan, your Task Accuracy score for this essay will a a 1. Which means the whole essay gets a failing grade. That is a failing score indeed. Before you fly off the handle and get irritated, please let me explain how this happened. You see, there was an original prompt that was given to you for discussion. It clearly stated that you were to discuss the "extent" of your agreement or disagreement with the statement in the prompt. Rather than following the instructions for discussion that you were given, you instead created your own discussion requirement by indicating in your opening statement that the essay would "point out the importance of both study and other activities.". You ended up writing a compare and contrast essay when that is not what was required of you.

That is not what the original instructions are. Review the requirements. You did a 360 degree prompt deviation. That is why the overall score for the essay ended up as a failing mark. If you do not discuss the essay in the manner provided in the original prompt, then you will get a failing mark in the TA portion. In which case, the examiner will no longer have to score you on the rest of the scoring criteria. You already proved that you do not have the ability to understand English instructions because you deviated from the required discussion and its appropriate presentation. There is no way this essay would pass an actual test.

Writing Feedback / Toefl Essay- Which of the following is the kind of friend you would prefer to have? [4]

Matthew, work on developing your essay outline in the opening statement. It is really very confusing to read because it doesn't tell me what the original prompt was about. You launched into a thorough discussion of facts in your first paragraph when what is expected of that paragraph is a simple outline presentation composed of 3 sentences. The first sentence repeats, in your own words, what the topic for discussion is. The second sentence, delivers the discussion type, and the last sentence, states your response to the question. I did not see any of these represented in your current essay.

The second paragraph does not smoothly transition into a comparison discussion, if that is what you were aiming for, in relation to having a considerate and a generous friend. Try not to discuss 2 topics in one paragraph so that you can more accurately develop your GRA representation of simple to complex sentences. Give each type of friend a specific paragraph. Use a compare and contrast discussion mode if you feel that would best allow you to discuss your reasons. There is no specific way of writing this essay. The reviewer actually wants to find out how you would do your presentation so don't be afraid to use a different presentation from the usual. Provided it applies to the discussion.

The concluding paragraph is pretty good. It was solid in its rephrasing of the original prompt, did not any new ideas and instead, summarized the discussion in an accurate manner, and closed the essay on a strong note. Good job! You still make mistakes in your essay development but I am sure that you will continue to improve over time. I look forward to reading your next essay.

Writing Feedback / Ielts task 2 : technology provides opportunities as much as damages [4]

Susan, you have not approached this task 2 essay in the proper manner. From the very start, you have shown that you have no idea how to structure a task 2 essay. The opening statement is wrong, the discussion does not follow the required structure, and your content is too broad in scope to apply to the required sentences per paragraph.

One of the biggest scoring considerations in the Task 2 test is the Task Accuracy portion. This is seen in the opening statement or paraphrasing that you create for the original prompt. You deviated so much from the original topic and discussion instructions that I feel I should not score this essay in order to prevent disappointment on your part. Let me show you an example of a proper paraphrasing for this prompt:

It is a known fact that changes in the way people interact these days came from the development of technology. This essay will seek to discuss how technology has affected the method by which people create relationships. Additionally, a discussion regarding whether this trend has a positive or negative effect on the relationship of people will also be presented.

A proper paraphrasing of the prompt will allow you to create a solid discussion outline for your essay. You have a tendency to over-complicate your presentations. Just keep it simple. You are not writing a class research paper. You are just writing a simple academic essay. Avoid using parenthesis and slash marks in your paragraphs. Those still count towards the sentence requirement per paragraph. Keep each paragraph at only 5 sentences. Do not go over that count. The 5 sentence requirement is a hard rule that should never be altered. Learn to simplify your presentations instead. That means, create summarized but coherent and cohesive sentences to represent your ideas per paragraph. Don't make it too long, but don't make it too short either. 3 sentences is short enough.

Even without my telling you, by merely looking at the correct paraphrase, I know that you can tell that your discussion is not in accordance with the prompt expectations. That means, this essay will not get a very good grade in an actual setting. You deviated from the prompt requirement. You did not properly represent and discuss what was was instructed of you. That will cost you a passing score.

You must never discuss the personal opinion in the closing statement either. The personal opinion should always be a separate body paragraph discussion. It should never be mistaken for a conclusion because a concluding statement is a summary of the preceding body of paragraphs. Additional information should never be located in it as that does not close an essay, it merely continues the discussion. What the examiner needs you to do is close the essay, not leave it hanging and open at the end.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS TAKS 2] CAMBRIDGE 12 TEST 5 - INFORMATION SHARING [4]

Kenzin, it is with a heavy heart that I must tell you that your score for this essay will, in all likelihood, only be a 4 in an actual test. The reason that I gave you this score is because your essay discussion does not properly follow the prompt requirement. The requirement was for you to discuss both sides of the essay and then present your opinion. So this is a comparison essay with an opinion statement thrown in at the end. What you wrote was instead, solely an opinion essay. This mistake became evident because of the way that you did not properly represent the original prompt requirements in the opening statement which, as you know, accounts for a tremendously large part of the overall scoring. Since I already told you the mistake that you made which led to the failing score, let me show you how you could have properly formatted this essay. Consider the following an example of the most adequate method of representing the prompt:

There are some factions of society that have a belief in the sharing of information between scientific research, business, and the academic world. They believe that a lot of good will come from this information sharing system. However, others believe that the information is too important to be shared within the aforementioned sectors. This essay will discuss both points of view along with my personal opinion at towards the end of the essay

Always remember, the opening statement is nothing more than a restatement of the instructions. Never present an actual response in it because there is no room for discussion development. Discussion development in complete paragraph form is the basis of your Coherence and Cohesiveness score. You lose points for that when you present facts or opinions in the opening statement because you cannot fully explain yourself within the 5 sentence maximum requirement of the paragraph.

I need not point out the discussion mistake to you at this point. The wrong interpretation that you had of the original prompt should make the problems with your essay obvious enough.

Writing Feedback / Money as the reward for good grades in school [2]

Cindy, it is difficult for me to assess the impressive work that you have presented here. You did not include the original prompt requirement in your post, which is a requirement for all English exam essay postings here, so that I could have a guideline regarding the proper analysis and considerations for your essay content. So I will not be able to assess you on the basis of the scoring guidelines. Hence, I will not be able to point out your problem areas either and suggest the improvements you should make.

As a general themed essay, you have written a very good defense of your stand on the issue. You have clearly stated your position and used ample reasons and examples to support your stance. However, I am not sure if you have adequately responded to the essay prompt. Somehow, it feels like you should have presented a balanced discussion of the issue. There is something missing in the essay that I can't put my finger on. Unfortunately, I can only review your work for this essay once so it would be useless for you to post the full prompt after you read my comments.

Your essay shows a clear understanding of a given topic. Whether it is a clear understanding of the prompt in question is another issue. However, you have managed to represent a logical and coherent discussion in the essay as far as I can tell. I hope that your essay truly responded to the prompt requirements. If you did, then you have the potential to get a pretty decent score in the actual test. Provided all of your practice essays are somewhat as impressive as this one.

Graduate / Personal Statement for JHU Master of applied Econ program [4]

Huang, I do not see a real development of your interest in the Applied Economics Program of the university. As a reviewer, I will be looking for a personal interest in the field. All you have given me are academic details that do not really deliver an image as to why you might be a successful candidate in this program. A personal statement for a masters degree needs to deliver vital information relevant to your field of interest. This means, that you have to introduce yourself in a more relaxed manner. Talk about who you are beyond being a student. Introduce yourself as someone who loves economics but knows how you have fun beyond it as well. Tell me why you have chosen to attend the university that I, as the reviewer represent. Talk to me about what you think makes my university special and why our Master of Applied Econ program is far more excellent than the other choices you had. The information that you present in the latter part of the essay is best suited for the statement of purpose so you will need to remove it from this version and apply it to the SOP instead. Develop a new second paragraph for your essay. Basically, I want you to develop a 5 paragraph essay that best describes who you are as a student, as a person, and as a professional who is interested in this field. Then tell me, in simple terms as you will also be discussing this in greater detail in the SOP, why you chose to seek admission to my university.

Graduate / SOP for admission/Scholarship into Phd program in International Development [2]

Nope. You can't use this at all. It sounds like you are giving a speech on a podium to an audience instead of offering a statement of purpose to the reviewer. Do yourself a favor and delete this version. I'll give you some pointers as to how you can better develop a SOP for this university.

The first thing you have to do is acknowledge that your college background does not match your masters studies interests. Explain why this is so. Focus on your professional life being more connected with your masters studies rather than your college degree. That is an acceptable discussion as the SOP is meant to explain career shifts / changes of a person. Just make sure that your career shift explanation remains connected in a direct manner to the degree that you chose for your masters.

Since your college thesis paper is probably not going to be useful in this instance, try to develop a new topic for your possible dissertation instead. Focus on the professional reason why you want to complete this course. What is the reason you feel you need this additional training in this field. What is the problem that your current position has and how would gaining more proficiency in it through the completion of this course will help you. From there, discuss how you plan to do personal research in relation to this topic for your dissertation. Make sure that this topic is something you would really like to pursue because it appears to me that you won't be able to change your dissertation topic should you be admitted to the university.

Make sure to discuss what your criteria was for choosing this university in particular. Tell the reviewer what you hope to gain from studying and training at the university. How will all of these learning help you as a professional once you return home. We need specifics. Show off a career plan towards the concluding part of your essay if you can.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS TASK 1] CAMBRIDGE 12 - BAR CHART - PHYSICAL ACTIVITIES [5]

Kenzin, there are no similar images in the bar chart that you were provided. Which is why you could not find any similar percentages to compare in your essay. When there are no similar information to compare, you don't have to force yourself to make a comparison. A discussion of the trend in measurements would be more appropriate in such as instance.

Please remember to complete 3 sentences per paragraph in order to gain a higher C&C score as the completeness of your paragraph is a major consideration in gaining higher points in that section of the test. In this instance, you could have done a better job in summarizing the essay information in order to make it a stronger contender for a higher TA score. You should have indicated that the measurements were in percentage form and then ended with the age groups being charted in the graph. A comment regarding the trend in measurements would have also helped create a better overview of the content.

Then, you could have combined the information in the second and third paragraphs to create a more informative second paragraph. The Task 1 essay is acceptable as long as it has 3-4 paragraphs in it so your essay would have fallen into the minimum requirement had you done a better presentation of the summary at the start.

Writing Feedback / Children should be taught to collaborate rather than trying to show who's better - IELTS writing [4]

Shirely, avoid sensationalizing the topic for discussion in your paraphrasing. Keep it simple and as close to the original prompt as possible. In your version of the prompt, you said that the topic is a "hot" discussion, which it is not because that was not indicated in the original prompt. That is a prompt deviation that alters the actual discussion topic. While the rest of that paragraph is alright, you forgot that you are not to provide your actual opinion at the end of the opening statement. This is only meant to be an outline for the discussion. All actual presentations should be within the body of paragraphs to follow it. You could have indicated that as the subject sentence in any of the remaining 3 body paragraph opening sentences and then proceeded with a developed discussion within the paragraph for it.

Another thing you have to do is learn how to use proper English descriptive terms. The topic is not a "serious disease". It is not contagious, nor is it an illness. It is a mere state of being in a person. Either he is competitive or cooperative. There is no illness involved. In the actual test, you would have taken a severe hit in the LR and GRA scoring sections due to this wrong word usage.

Your second paragraph is also one long run on sentence. Always try to break up your statements into short sentences. That was you have a better chance of developing proper simple or complex English sentences. Right now, your GRA is the biggest concern that I have. You are making so many mistakes that I doubt this essay would even get passing consideration in an actual setting.

Please remember that you must use the conclusion to properly summarize the essay in 3-5 sentences. Since GRA is already your problem, limiting your statements to only one sentence or two will not help because the C&C guidelines indicate that all paragraphs need to be fully developed. That is only done using the 3-5 sentence discussion format.

Writing Feedback / Is it better to enjoy your money when you earn it (just spend or invest in business, save) [2]

Nayaz, I would really appreciate it if you would include the actual prompt instructions for your essay practice test the next time you post your essay here. You did not specify what kind of English test you are taking either. The review of your essay will depend upon the scoring considerations of the type of test that you are taking. Kindly make sure to do that the next time you post an essay for review. The lack of that information makes it difficult for me to judge whether your discussion approach is correct and if this is the sort of essay that would pass the required elements of the English test you are taking.

As a reminder, regardless of the kind of English test you will be taking, it is important for you to make sure that you consistently present your thoughts in 3-5 sentences. That will qualify your work as a complete paragraph instead of an incomplete or under developed paragraph. The sentence requirement helps you to better explain yourself instead of making unsupported statements as you did in the latter part of this essay. Each topic sentence that you give needs to have data to support it. A simple one line to support that information does not qualify as a valid reason if there are no additional discussions to strengthen your paragraph. You can see the difference in your work. Compare the complete body paragraphs that you wrote with the 2 sentence counterparts. Which one do you find more informative and thus, impressive to read? Exactly, the longer the discussion, the better explained your reasoning becomes.

The concluding sentence bothers me because you do not accurately wrap up the discussion. I know this for a fact but because you did not properly summarize your essay. However, since I don't have access to the original prompt, I cannot explain to you how you can better develop that part of your essay.

Writing Feedback / Children' better chance for development - in a rural place or in a big city? [2]

Majd, you have not properly formatted this essay to the required outline for a TOEFL test. The opening paragraph of a TOEFL test is used to first outline your topic and then create a logical discussion flow for the upcoming essay. Therefore, the 3-5 sentences in this section should restate the discussion topic, the method of discussion, and your clear thesis statement. Which means, you must already indicate at the end of the opening paragraph whether you agree or disagree with the statement. In this instance you separated your opinion by presenting a standalone run-on sentence. It should have instead, been incorporated into the ending sentence of the first paragraph. By the way, you are not being asked about the extent of your agreement or disagreement with the essay so to state that do not "fully" agree with the statement is misleading. That is a divergence from the prompt requirement and will change the slant of your discussion in the long term discussion.

One of the major requirements for essay writing is that the writer should be able to develop complete paragraphs These paragraphs are used to fully explain and present your line of reasoning, in a coherent and cohesive manner to the examiner. You failed to present complete paragraph in most instances of your essay. Therefore, your explanations will not be deemed properly presented in the essay. Always use 3-5 sentences per paragraph. That is the essay standard. There is also a lack of transition sentences in your essay, which means that you do not seamlessly connect your discussion ideas from on aspect to the next. Try to develop your use of transition sentences and connecting words in your next practice test.

Here is a tip for the "specific examples and reasons" section of the essay. Try your best to use your personal experience in explaining your opinion. Essay responses based upon personal opinions tend to score higher because the way you explain yourself indicates the level of English comprehension skills that you have. A proper explanation in relation to the topic means you are ready for higher level English academic learning.

Graduate / Graduate Degree - opinions on Transfer Master's Student Personal Statement [4]

@darrydallen your failure to keep your scholarship is something that you must take ownership of in this essay. Don't play the blame game and point to your mother's cancer diagnosis. She had the cancer, you did not. Your focus should have been on your studies since you were not the one undergoing cancer treatment. Sure you were distracted but that is not an excuse to let your academics fall to the wayside. Unless you take ownership of that failure in your essay as a gap or discrepancy in your application, the reviewers will not be impressed by your story. This is a problem that you caused, not your mother, not her cancer. Once you take ownership of that, at the very beginning of the essay, you will not only have created an excellent "hook" for the reader, but you will have appealed to the sense of justness in the reviewer as well. You are asking for a second chance here so don't blow it by pointing to other circumstances for your failure. Ownership is the most important part of this essay at this point.

The obstacle that you should discuss is how your father had to take out that loan to help you stay in school but you still failed just the same. The personal hardship for you would have to be how you helped your father pay off that debt even after you lost the scholarship. From the way I read the instructions, you have to show character development in the essay. Show how you would be a fit for the program by being a person of good, strong, and persevering character. This is an international scholarship so they won't just take anyone. You need to make those aspects of your application shine.

Unfortunately, there is nothing distinct about your application. Nothing stands out. No awards, no recognition, no accolades. So it is not really very strong presentation-wise. However, if you build up the start of the essay using my advice, you might at least be able to get the reviewer to consider other aspects of your application even with its shortcomings.

Graduate / Empowering poor people - my personal statement for graduate studies [3]

Men, this is a pretty good draft. It just needs to be adjusted to be better suited for a personal statement. I need you to focus more on how you developed an interest in sustainable development through your personal and professional experience. This essay does not need to be more than 5 paragraphs as it only has to provide an overview of the full length discussions that are to come in the statement of purpose.

Your opening statement is on the right track. It discusses the exposure to the problems of the environment that you have had since childhood. This shows that you have a direct insight into the problem of sustainable development. However, your exposure to sustainable development programs on the civic side is not very evident in the essay. Prior to your work experience, did you really have any interest in Sustainable Development? Or is this just something that you chose because it sounds like something related to your previous academic training? The two actually need to go hand in hand in a personal statement because of the "personal" basis of the information required.

Revise the essay to explain why studying at Exeter will allow you to become a better professional in this field. Don't just say that you based your desire to enroll at the university on the website information. Try to go beyond that. What other reasons do you have? Show an insight into the university offerings and make sure that it shows how you chose this university in particular based upon your professional needs and interests. Make it more evident in the essay.

Lessen your job descriptions that are not related to Sustainable Development. Summarize that discussion because that will be introduced at a greater length in the statement of purpose. In this instance, only an introduction is required and will be sufficient to inform the reviewer about your professional background.

Following these instructions should help you to create a better discussed and presented personal statement. You have a good essay. You just need to make sure that the content becomes more relevant to the needs and expectations of the reviewer.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task1 Ages of the populations in Yemen and Italy [4]

Wendy, you are definitely correct in using the past tense for the year 2000 and the future tense for the year 2050 since that has yet to happen. There was an error in your opening statement though. You immediately presented information from the chart regarding the largest population among the 3 listed age groups. A more proper presentation for this outline would have been as follows:

Four pie charts, representing various population ages in 2 countries, representing 2 different years, are presented in the charts. The year 2000 figures are the basis for the predicted population of the same age groups in the year 2050. The age groups represented by each slice of the pie charts are 0-14 years, 15-59, and lastly, 60+ ages.

It would have further helped your summary if you had included a paraphrase of the discussion instructions as well.
Overall, your analysis was as insightful as it could be. You showed that you tried to analyze the charts as best as you could and you did acceptable work in the grammar department. So you should get a decent score for this essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 1 - The two pie charts about the types of communication. [3]

Yang, your essay does not follow the correct structure and form presentation for a Task 1 essay. Your first paragraph does not qualify as a summary outline, which is required in every essay of this type. The summary outline should not discuss the actual information in the provided image but rather, merely list the topics for discussion in the succeeding paragraphs. Without the required summary overview, you will find that your TA score will be marked down for missing paragraph requirements.

You should have done more in order to meet the minimum 3-5 sentence requirement for the cohesiveness and coherence portion of the essay. There are a number of portions that do not qualify as full paragraphs, the direct instruction under this scoring requirement, because you only present 2 sentences there. Expect another set of mark downs in that section for scoring.

If you notice, the pie charts are being connected by a directional arrow. This indicates that a direct comparison of the two charts is implied in terms of written analysis. There as no such representation in your work either. The lack of reference to that means that you did not spend enough time properly analyzing the similarities and differences between the two pie charts. Yes, this could also decrease your possible score.

The last stand alone line that you wrote as a conclusion is not necessary. A Task 1 essay does not have a conclusion requirement, only a summary overview requirement that has to be placed either at the beginning or the end of the essay. I recommend placing it at the start so that you can score up your TA score from the very start.

Writing Feedback / Robots will become smarter than humans and will take control of their society [2]

Cao, in my opinion, I believe that your essay will score between a 4-5 at best. Your essay has a number of problem points that need to be addressed so that you will not make the same mistake in your future practice test. The first problem with your essay is that you did not accurately use the first paragraph to represent your English comprehension skills via the proper paraphrasing of the prompt discussion topic and discussion instructions. You instead, launched into a direct discussion of the topic. The first paragraph is written with the assumption that the examiner does not have access to the original prompt requirement and therefore, needs an accurate retelling of the topic and instructions coming from you. That was not the case in this instance. Additionally, you said "I firmly agree" when the instruction was to use the phrase "I agree to a certain extent" since that is the discussion instruction being provided (To what extent do you agree of disagree).

In your second paragraph, you used the term "but" to describe how the robots will make the humans redundant. The correct term to use would have been the connecting word "and" since you already presented previous ideas that tie together in the sentence. The whole paragraph is prone to misused English words which creates a distorted message for the reader. This results in confusion on the examiners part and points will be deducted from your LR and GRA scores in the final consideration.

The next paragraph discusses what the government should do to prevent the problem. This is a mistake because the original instruction dictates that you refer to "society" in the discussion of solutions. Not the government. Be aware of the keywords in every prompt discussion your are provided if you change one keyword, as you did here, you totally change the slant of the discussion and will be scored down in terms of TA considerations.

The TA is where you prove your English comprehension skills. By using the wrong terms in the essay, you show a shallow understanding of the English language and an inability to understand the meaning or the difference between the terms being used in the original prompt. This is highly evident in the last line of your concluding paragraph where you use the term "Shake" (to tremble or vibrate) instead of the proper "sake" (for the purpose of; in the interest of; in order to achieve or preserve.)

By the way, academic writing rules dictate the use of 3-5 sentences per paragraph in these English tests for a very basic reason. You are supposed to show off your English writing skills via the presentation of simple to complex English sentences. Therefore, you need to write more in order to do that.

Simply trying to summarize all of the necessary information in a single sentence proves only one thing, you know how to write run-on sentences, which you will also lose points for in the C&C section of the essay. The C&C criteria is clear on its scoring consideration, you need to present complete paragraphs in each of the paragraphs. You failed to form complete paragraphs in parts of the essay. Specifically in the opening statement and the concluding statement. A paragraph is considered complete when it has an average of 3 and a maximum of 5 sentences in it. Your concluding statement needs to only represent the following in individual sentences:

1. Another paraphrase of the topic for discussion;
2. A summary of the discussion points presented;
3. A repetition of your opinion as the closing sentence.

Avoid run on sentences at all costs because it will result in lower scores in the individual considerations and then again, in the overall consideration of the final scoring.

Writing Feedback / Preservation of land for natural existence or human intervention [2]

Williams, the first thing that I notice about this essay is that you did not remember to post the complete prompt requirements with it. Without the original prompt to refer to, I am unable to accurately assess the content of your essay for relevance and compliance. Please remember to do that with your next essay. As I can only give you one review per essay, don't bother posting the prompt after my general observation comment. It will be useless. Just post the second essay with the complete prompt instead.

In this essay, what I can tell you is that you will lose points in the lexical resource section for your improper use of the word "revolution" A revolution is an ongoing war. Specifically, a revolution means either "a forcible overthrow of a government or social order in favor of a new system." or "an instance of revolving.", neither of which is applicable to what you are saying in the essay. The word you are looking for is "evolution". Evolution means "the gradual development of something, especially from a simple to a more complex form." which is what you were trying to imply in your essay. If the event that you are not sure of the meaning of a word, don't use it. Find another way to describe what you want to say in the essay. Do it that way instead of losing points in the major scoring sections because these mistakes affect your GRA score as well.

I sense that you did major research in this essay in order to write it. Please don't do that. You only have 30 minutes to write this essay in the exam center and you don't have access to the internet there. You have to rely on your personal knowledge of popular topics to get by in the essay writing test. Bear in mind, you need to write quickly, logically, and comprehensibly in order to score well in this section. These needs can only be achieved through the development of a maximum of 5 paragraphs comprised of 5 simple to complex sentences each. You should not have any run on sentences, as you do in your current paragraphs, in the actual exam essay. If you do, then the GRA score for your essay will be even lower.

With this being your first essay written as a practice test, I will allow you room to grow and correct your mistakes. You have the time to do that. Just make sure that you improve on the problem points I pointed out here and also, post the prompt with your next essay alright? Thanks.

Undergraduate / "The Significant BANG" - Common Application Essay (Significant Experience) [3]

Alessandra, there is too much going on in this essay. It sounds like you are writing this essay in panic mode. You need to relax and consider the requirements of the prompt before you start writing. I advise you to not write the essay yet. Forget that you even wrote this essay. Instead, I want you to write down all of the events in your life that you think qualify as a response to this prompt. Write down a combination of 5 of the personal and academic events that you feel would best respond to the prompt. List those as column headings. Then under the columns, write down the reasons you believe these apply to the prompt. Narrow it down to your top 2. From there, draft your essay, listing the one you believe to be the most effective as the last entry in the essay (meaning it goes at the top of the page) to give it higher consideration and priority in the eyes of the reviewer. Make sure that these 2 events define you in 2 methods, one personal, and one academic. That is the best way to satisfy the requirements of the prompt.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING ESSAY ABOUT LEARNING A LANGUAGE AND A FOREIGN CULTURE [2]

Le, you need to familiarize yourself with the types of essays used in IELTS tests and how these are discussed. In this instance, you mistakenly did a compare and contrast discussion for an essay prompt that requires a personal opinion discussion. The problem becomes instantly obvious in your paraphrasing / opening statement. That mistake altered the discussion pattern for the essay. It also proves that you have a low level of English understanding in terms of TA considerations. Based on the provided prompt, your discussion should have been as follows in the first paragraph:

There is a common belief that those who are studying a new language that there is more to learning the language. A language student must also learn about the origin country of the language inclusive of the lifestyle and culture of its society. This, in the end, should result in a better learning of the language. I disagree with this statement to a certain degree due to a number of language learning considerations.

From that point, you must discuss only the reasons that support the extent of your argument. Had the essay indicated "Discuss both points of view and give your opinion", then the essay that you wrote would have been perfect. Since it did not then only your point of view, using first person pronouns is needed in a 4 paragraph essay. Why do I suggest a 4 paragraph essay? That number of paragraphs helps to increase the TA and GRA score because of the opportunity it provides you to better discuss and develop your English thought process and sentences.

By the way, your concluding statement could have been better. Always take the opportunity to use the closing statement to prove your English paraphrasing skills by repeating the prompt requirements, important discussion points, before finally repeating your opinion on the matter. That is the required content of the closing paragraph. I strongly urge you to use up to 5 sentences to do this in order to increase your points consideration in the final scoring process.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1: the rate of smoking men declined gradually in Someland [5]

Tom, your summary overview is not effective. It is too short and doesn't accurately depict the information and discussion outline that is to be done in the succeeding paragraphs. The opening statement for a Task 1 essay is always just meant to be a summary of the important discussion points in the essay. It should not contain facts and discussion points yet as you did in your presentation. It is also inaccurate for you to assume that the digits in the chart are exact. In this instance, the graph present mere estimations. Since estimations are presented the same should be reflected in your presentation by saying "approximately, close to, appear to be..." among other terms of estimated comparisons. Since this is a task 1 essay, a conclusion is not necessary. So that stand alone last line should instead be merged with the earlier paragraph. A task 1 essay should have at least 3-4 paragraphs of at least 150 words. This essay falls short of all expectations in terms of discussion presentation.

Writing Feedback / Ielts task 2, topic: Law, type: Agree or disagree [3]

Tran, due to the fact that you did not properly discuss this essay, the score that you can get for it is only a 4. That is because it only partially responds to the prompt requirements. For instance, you were not asked for the extent of your agreement or disagreement with the discussion topic and yet you give an extent or measurement of your disagreement by saying "I totally disagree". That is for a different type of essay discussion presentation.

Additionally, this essay must be discussed only from one point of view since there is no instruction to "discuss both views" as is given in some essay instructions. Therefore, you did not adequately discuss the topic in the manner expected of the prompt instructions. The conclusion is also faulty as it is only a single line that does not accurately restate the prompt, summarize the discussion provided, and then repeated your opinion on the matter. It is because of these problems with your work that I feel that the score of 4 would be the most applicable in this instance.

Writing Feedback / Are the newspapers contents trustworthy? [3]

Cong, the next time you post an essay for review here, you need to post the original instructions and inform me as to what type of test your are taking (TOEFL, IELTS) That is because I cannot properly assess the work that you have done without it. In this instance, even though Shirely posted a prompt, I am not sure if she posted the right one as modifications can be made to the prompt depending upon the tutor. So make sure that you post the prompt completely next time.

You have shown a lack of concentration and ability to spot errors in your lexical presentations. Either you are not paying attention to what you are writing, you lack proper English spelling knowledge, or you just don't understand small errors like spelling "daily" as "dialy' will cost you valuable deductions to your LR and GRA scores. You also make up words like "Resultly", which will show a lack of lexical understanding and lack of familiarity with the English language. If you do not proofread your work prior to submission, then you are willing to lose points in the scoring of the actual test. In which case, with enough points deductions for your improper grammar and spelling, you will most likely not pass the test.

While your discussion sounds logical, I am unsure as to whether you are accurately discussing the prompt. More importantly, the fact that you continued to discuss facts well into your concluding paragraph tells me that you have not been properly guided in the requirements of academic essay writing such as this one. New facts should never be introduced or a discussion continuation cannot be presented in the concluding statement. Any personal notes or opinions on the matter need to be presented in a separate paragraph. That is a hard and fast academic writing rule. You failed to do that in this essay.

Overall, while the information might be relevant to the actual prompt, the aforementioned problems with your work have led me to believe that you are far from being prepared to take this test. You have a long way to go before your writing skills become even "passable" as this point.