Writing Feedback / [IELTS]Some people think that children should be studying all the mandatory subjects [7]

Karen, when it comes to presenting the paraphrased discussion of the essay, I can say that you did a poor job on it. That is because you did not follow the rudimentary requirements of the opening statement which are:

1. A proper paraphrasing of the prompt based upon your understanding of the discussion topic;
2. The discussion requirement of the prompt;
3. The type of discussion you are expected to present.

An example is:

There is a school of thought that believes that children should study only mandatory subjects until the age of ten. However, there are some who believe that the students should be given the option to study only their selected favorite subjects. In this essay, I will be discussing my opinion regarding my opinion on the topic using supporting examples from my personal experience.

Now, in the essay body, you decided to discuss a compare and contrast essay instead of an opinion essay. That is not the correct approach. Based on the prompt instruction, you were only supposed to discuss your personal opinion from the very start, using the body paragraphs to support your opinion. Now, because you did not present the required discussion, the essay that you wrote will show that you did not understand the discussion instructions. Therefore, your essay will not get a passing score in the end. The minute you fail the task accuracy portion, that is based upon your ability to understand English instructions, there is no possibility that you can pass this test.

Writing Feedback / The truth is sometimes caustic and unpleasant to hear, although very important for us [3]

Bharti, I am not sure of the purpose of this written work. Are you responding to an IELTS or TOEFL prompt? Or are you just writing for the sake of practicing your writing skills in English. If the latter is the case, then I have to tell you that your writing is highly emotional and descriptive. However, if you mean this essay for a non-professional reader, then your line of reasoning will not be easily understood and, due to the depth of the example that you chose, may end up boring the average reader. Keep in mind that your writing must be easily understood by the average reader. Unless, you are writing for a professional journal or something similar. You also have a problem with your punctuation. You lack commas to indicate pauses in certain instances when it was necessary. You have hanging paragraphs that contain only 2 sentences. Having only 2 sentences does not help to strengthen your discussion. In an academically written paper, you need to write at least 5 sentences in order to create a coherent paragraph. You cannot expect to fully explain your intent in only 2 sentences. You also need to use more connecting words such as "a" and "the" in your essays. The lack of these connecting words make your written work difficult to read. The essay is interesting in terms of topic and your presentation. However, your presentation can use some improvements. Good effort though. Keep practicing.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: how do you find the phenomenon of working mothers and fathers dealing with household duties? [2]

Quan, excellent reasoning discussion. Bad opening statement. You almost had the opening statement perfected, except that you fouled up the presentation of the discussion instruction and the opinion presentation. The discussion sentence of the opening statement should have read:

... This essay will discuss the reasons for this development as well as my thoughts as to whether this is a positive or negative development.

Then the first paragraph should have opened with:

I think that the trend of having the father stay at home is a positive event because...

Since your discussion of the positive or negative development of having father's stay at home is the central theme of the essay, you must present that at the very start. That will be anchor of the whole discussion that you will be presenting so the reader needs to know that opinion from the second paragraph onward.

Your conclusion is also not in accordance with the requirements. It should have said:

The trend of having fathers stay home while the mothers work is not a negative development. This is something that proves the equality of the sexes. As such, it should be deemed a positive development for our society.

Always remember, the conclusion is not a continuation of the discussion. It is the ending of the topic presentation. So the fact that you continued the discussion instead of summarizing the content in order to end it means that you did not follow the appropriate parameters for the essay development.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Beside the internet's advantages, some people think that the internet brings bad effects. [3]

Gia, your opening statement does not accurately represent a paraphrase of the original content. Please allow me to show you a more proper approach to the given statement;

The internet is said to offer numerous advantages. Yet, there are some people who believe that the same technology brings negative effects. I tend to agree with the people who believe in the negative contribution of the internet to a certain degree.

I agree with the statement that the internet offers negative effects to the extent that it affect our social and family interaction...

Using the above example, you will see that there is an accurate paraphrasing of the 3 discussion aspects within the original statement. These are :

1. The topic for discussion;
2. The reason for the discussion;
3. The side of the discussion that I support.

Those are the standard information that is required in the opening statement of any essay. As for the body, you did a very good job of discussing related information. However, the conclusion, did not accurately sum up the discussion as it appears that you included new information in it. New information requires another paragraph for discussion and is not considered to ever be a closing statement. The closing statement is only a representation of the previous discussion. So the content has to be:

1. A restatement of the prompt;
2. Discussion points;
3. Closing sentence that repeats your position.

So your closing sentence should have been:

Even as there are reasons to believe in the advantages of the internet, there is truth to the reasoning that it also has negative effects. It continues to reduce physical interaction among friends and family members, causing negative developments in these relationships. . There are also proven moments of misinformation coming from internet sources. Therefore, the extent of my agreement regarding the negative effects of the internet are based upon these information.

Undergraduate / 'My parents had the biggest impact on me'; How I was shaped into the person I am today [3]

Mars, this is a college application essay. So there is no need for such a formal restatement of the prompt at the start. Rather, it is important for you to create a "hook" or interesting opening statement about yourself that will have the reviewer wanting to read more about you. That is why I am suggesting that you replace your current opening statement with your concluding statement instead. The closing statement would really be more effective as an opening statement because it makes such a strong plea for your case. The rest of the essay is also enlightening but confusing to keep track of because you are constantly shifting from your mother to your father in the same paragraph. The best way to discuss your parent's influence on you is to have you discuss your mother in one paragraph then your father in the next. That way, you will have enough room to thoroughly describe and explain their influence on you. It will also help if you can deliver a statement of how your parents influenced you when you were still a solid family unit. That way, the reader will better understand why, after the divorce, the influence they had on you adjusted to the mode that you describe in your essay. I don't suggest discussing the community anymore since you were only being given options for what to discuss in the essay. Focusing on your family is much better than discussing the community in such a short presentation. Good work though. You were able to properly respond to the prompt statement. All I am suggesting is that we make it even better and more interesting.

Writing Feedback / Essay about the shortage of living kidney donors [3]

Eric, in terms of research this is very well done. However, in terms of presentation, it does not follow academic guidelines. As you perhaps can recall, the actual presentation of information cannot be made in the opening statement of your research paper. Instead, you have to present an opening "hook" and a thesis statement at its end. I strongly suggest that you open with the statement about your mother being ill and your becoming a donor. Then at the end of the story, present the thesis statement that your research paper will be responding to. I have no problem with the research itself as it is informative and up to date. The only portion that you have to fix is the statement of research objectives / opening statement. You will better interest the reader by opening with the personal story and then transitioning into the research information presentation. If you can hold on to the interest of the reader, you will be able to gain a better score. I also noticed that you have a paragraph composed of only 2 lines. You have to integrate it into either the prior or later paragraph because that hanging presentation is not considered to be completely informative. Always present your information in complete paragraphs.

Writing Feedback / Task 2: Exams should be replaced by an overall grade based on the whole period of study. [4]

Jade, please remember that we require all of the participants at this forum to post the original prompt that you are responding to along with the essay that you wrote in response to it. That is because we require the background of the essay in order to asses your essay based on the 4 scoring criteria. In this instance, I cannot judge the accuracy of your essay in response to the original prompt so the best that I can do is give you a general review.

Your overall presentation is sound. The sentences in the paragraphs transition in a good manner, indicating a well thought out process of drafting and writing the essay. You presented a strong argument using public opinion and information. However, I am not sure as to whether you accurately portrayed the prompt requirements. Due to that missing information, I can only say that you did a good job in writing this essay but I cannot assess it completely for a possible score or compliance considerations.

Writing Feedback / MY PERSONAL STATEMENT (workshop human right and drug policy) [2]

Ayutaa, this personal statement is not effective in showing the reasons why you would make a successful participant in this workshop on human rights and drug policies. When you write a personal statement, the focus of your essay must be on showing that you have a relevant background in relation to your chosen course, or in this case, workshop. It doesn't matter that you are a determined learner. Since this is a workshop, the main consideration will be on your relevant skills and training. Therefore, you need to build up your work in the anti-drug organization that you are a member of. Let me see if I can outline this better for you to follow:

1st Par - How your interest in the anti-drug and human rights cause developed.
2nd Par - Present your participation in KSPAN. Discuss what projects you successfully helped to launch or projects that you led personally which have a direct relation to the topics covered by the workshop.

3rd Par - Your work with TAC and how it relates to your interest in the anti drugs drive. Why do you think you can develop your skills in relation to the promotion of this cause further by attending the workshop?

4th Par - Explain why you feel that these activities make you the ideal candidate for this workshop.
5th Par - Conclude by repeating your desire to become a part of the workshop and that you are looking forward to participating in it.

Following the above outline, you will create a more relevant and informative personal statement that will showcase the reasons why you should be given a slot as a participant in the workshop. Your current essay doesn't really play up the major considerations that are expected of the applicants for the workshop so you need to do some major revisions on it.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 1 - Water used in different countries in 2000. [5]

Perdana, there are a number of problems with your essay that prevent me from giving you an overall score. Rather, I will be giving you a criteria based score for your work. This should also give you an idea as to where your final score might lie. In terms of Task Accuracy, your score falls under the range of 4. This is because your overview summary lacks information about the countries listed that will be discussed in the essay. This creates an incomplete overview and outline of the discussion. Then, your overall comparison paragraph discussed the countries, but did not first introduce the world wide water consumption percentages. That should have been presented as a prior, individual paragraph. You also do not capitalize the names of countries which are proper nouns. So your lexical resource and GRA score would both fall under a 4 as well. However, you did partially well in the cohesiveness and coherence portion where I scored you a 5 at the most. So your final score would probably be around a 4.5 in my opinion.

Scholarship / My life project was always to study abroad. Personal Statement Undergraduate KGSP [2]

Piero, this is supposed to be a personal statement. Not an autobiography. So the content of your essay, while is informative, it does not inform the reviewer in the manner that is required. A personal statement requires you to explain how your interest in a particular field developed. Since this is for an undergraduate course, I assume that you have a potential major in mind to study in Korea. The personal statement should revolve around that. It should explain where your passion to study this course comes from and why you believe that you have a calling to perform as a professional in this field. It should also speak a little about the university that you have chosen to study in. Why Korea? Where does your passion for a Korean education come from? Why this university? What kind of cultural exchange can the university benefit from should you become a student there? These are but some of the questions that would make for a more effective and relevant personal statement than the one that you have now. Consider revising your essay and then turning this thread into an "Urgent" one so that I can continue to review and assist you in the development of the essay. Don't post a revised version without turning it into an "urgent" thread first or you risk having the admin delete your essay because of a duplication policy we have. It is one essay per thread. The second essay is always deleted without additional advice given by the contributor.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1 - WHAT TOURIST CAN DO [4]

Muhammad, your control over the development of English sentences can be considered quite horrible at this point. It is important for you to learn how to write English sentences properly. That is because you are taking an English language test which requires you to be able to express yourself intelligently in English. At this point, the essay you wrote causes undue stress on the reader due to the problems with grammar structure that exists from the beginning to the end of the essay. I think the problem is because you are translating what you are writing from your vernacular tongue. That is why your language structure is so problematic.

I am advising you to try writing in basic English sentences, not necessarily the IELTS essay questions yet, just basic sentences that can be translated from your native language to English in Google Translate if possible. This will show you how to properly translate your thoughts to English because in your vernacular, your language is correct, so it should transfer in a more proper manner to English using that program. Take note of how it was translated by the program and remember how the sentences were structured. That should help you to better translate your thoughts to English.

I will not score this essay at this point because the score is not passing and it will just dishearten you. So no score for now. However, I will score your next essay so I hope to see improvement in your writing skills by then. By the way, be careful of your spelling. It isn't "distructed environment. The term is "Destructed environment". You will be scored on your spelling and lexical resource so you need to be sure you at least spell the word properly for proper scoring consideration.

Writing Feedback / Discuss the similarities and differences between office workers and factory workers [4]

Phuong, if you are writing this essay for an IELTS Task 2 practice test, then you have done a very good job. Although you tended to go beyond the maximum 5 sentence requirement, the additional sentence did not stray for the original discussion so it actually helped to increase the potential of your essay. The language you used is clear and easily understood. However, you have a problem with the plural version of words so you need to brush up on that aspect of your English writing skills. For example, the word in this instance, since it refers to numerous workers would be "employees" instead of "employee" which is the singular version of the word. Also, the term is "similar points" not "similarities points". Additionally, do not present any information in a parenthesis. You must always include it as a regular sentence. However, in this case, you could have omitted the information in the parenthesis because it does not have a direct relationship with the discussion you are providing. The break time that the employees get is irrelevant in this discussion. In your conclusion, you made a simple error by closing the sentence with additional new information. Always be conscious that the concluding statement cannot contain new information because a development of the discussion cannot be done within a concluding paragraph. You should have replaced it with a sentence that better summed up the original prompt instead. By the way, your conclusion could have done with better complex sentence development by adding another sentence. That way your score could have seen an even greater consideration than the 7 that I believe it can get.

Graduate / How this Statement of Goals and Objectives looks like? [4]

Khalid, what you have written is a statement of purpose. Not a statement of goals and objectives. A statement of goals and objectives indicates your professional ambition and goals. While I applaud you immigration story, it doesn't provide the goals of this essay. Write this essay in 750 words maximum. Indicate only your current job and description. Talk about your dissatisfaction at this point and what changes you want to make. Discuss the future of your profession as you see it. Relate it to your skills and character traits. Formulate a work mantra or belief for yourself. Then explain how this inspired your work goals and objectives. Your current essay it's too personal and self centered. It must be professionally aimed and focused on how you can contribute to the improvement of your craft. That makes a true objectives and goals essay.

Writing Feedback / In today's job market it is far more important to have practical skills than theoretical knowledge. [4]

@near9 You have just wasted your only chance to get a full review of your writing abilities by not posting the full essay. If you post the same essay in this thread with the additional bodies, the admin will automatically delete it as a double posting. We have a one advice per thread, per essay ruling here and duplicate postings are deleted. I am so sad that you made that mistake. Anyway...

In the opening statement, you must clearly state the keywords as supplied in the original prompt. That means you must say "I disagree with this statement to a certain extent due to several personal beliefs. These beliefs will be discussed in support of my stance in the following paragraphs.

As you know, only the paraphrasing is allowed in the opening statement. You actual statement of support must only be within the parameters set forth by the original prompt. Hence the indication that you "disagree to a certain extent" as indicated in the prompt requirements.

Your first paragraph lacks cohesion because you are discussing unrelated topics through the paragraph. When you discuss labor jobs at the start, the succeeding justification for the theoretical knowledge must be in reference to the same jobs. So, people who wash clothes need to have theoretical knowledge on how to compute for soap usage per wash load and other similar information with the previous jobs mentioned.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS-Writing Task 2] Highways - Problems and Solutions [3]

@kentphong You have written a level level 7 essay in my opinion. It is well thought out, presented, and accurately portrays all required elements of Task 2 writings. You have some minimal mistakes though which affected the scoring. One of the problems is that you tend to start some sentences with "And" or "Because". These 2 terms are not used to start a sentence in academic writing because these are connective words which indicate a continued discussion of the same topic. When used at the start of a sentence, it does not connect anything from the previous paragraph in a continuous sentence. Your argument will also be stronger if you do not make any last minute additions to your discussions at the end of the paragraph. It does not leave any room for further explanation development so it just hangs there without proper reinforcement or data support. It is best to simply discuss one reason in a strong manner. It shows a cohesive and coherent thought process. Good work overall. I hope to read more of your practice tests. You have the ability to perform well in the actual test if you keep going like this during practice.

Writing Feedback / Three different types of water consuming. IELTS WRITING TASK from Cambridge 11 book [2]

Abdul, your essay does not meet the required minimum word count of 150 words. You only wrote 149. Being short of the word count will have an adverse effect on your final scoring considerations There will be a mark down in every aspect related to the word count such as the Task Accuracy and Grammar Range. I strongly advice you to try and write a minimum of 3 sentences in every paragraph in order to at least be assured of meeting the minimum 150 word count for the Task 1 essay. Writing in the 3 sentence format also allows you to better develop your sentences from simple to slightly more complex. Even a slight improvement in your word presentation on the complex side will help to increase your lexical resource and GRA scores.

Your overview outline is incomplete as it does not accurately outline the types of comparisons to be done in terms of the countries you will be evaluating. A complete overview summary always notes the important aspects for discussion and mentions it as part of the outline of the upcoming paragraphs. It is important that you also work harder on the analysis aspect of the images. Try to find some not so obvious information in the charts, as I saw a few, and present those as well.

This is not a bad first attempt. However, you should show improvement in your next essay otherwise you may risk not being ready to take the test by the exam date. We will be here to assist you in your improvement. Keep practicing. We will help you get ready for the test.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1 - WATER USAGE in an African and south American country [2]

Muhammad, when you write the outline summary of the discussion in the opening paragraph, make sure that you provide all necessary information from the images. Since there is a graph and a chart presented, each with specific information, that information should have been presented as part of your discussion outline. It should not be confusingly included in the body paragraphs. First state the complete information that you will be presenting so that people will know why it is relevant in the body of the essay. Since this is an academic essay, you are not supposed to use terms like "Catch a glimpse." That is informal wording. Instead say "Compare two images representing..."

It would be best if your were consistent in your writing of the paragraphs. Like I keep saying, a better TA and GRA score can be achieved if you properly develop each paragraph with 3-5 sentences in each. This is a more accurate way of determining your complex writing ability and English comprehension skills, along with your lexical resources, provided you write within the required sentences and paragraphs mandate. Your paragraphs vary in length and since it is mostly short of the required number, then your final score may be affected.

Your essay presentation is still a bit rough and can use improvement overall. You should get better over time. This is not something that happens overnight. So just keep practicing and we will keep reviewing your work for positive developments and points for improvement. For this essay though, I believe that you could be scored up to a 5 for this type of writing analysis.

Scholarship / Motivation letter for African Union Youth Volunteer [2]

Stanley, the questions require an essay type format and you have given a bio-data format so the format of your responses are not suited to the prompt requirements. It must be in essay form in order for you to better explain yourself. Right now, it feels like I am reading a job application from a generic applicant for the position rather than someone seeking to gain my approval for acceptance into a program. The disconnected voice that you are using is not suited to the application process. You must use an essay format in your presentation. Make it more fluid as if telling related stories instead of outlined information. The reviewer needs to get to know you on a personal basis and the outline form does not allow that.

Due to the rigid format of your response, the heart of the essay is lost. There is no personal connection in the application, only data and information without any build up for your personality or character traits, which are very important considerations in this application process.

You redundantly use the term "I expect" in the essay. this will cause reader boredom later on so try and use different terms such as "I hope", "I am looking forward to", "I would like to see..." and other variations of the terms "I expect".

Try to soften the voice of your essay. You do respond to the questions but you sound more like you are giving a court testimony rather than explaining yourself in an essay. It makes the total essay uncomfortable to read. If you would like me to review this essay after you revise it, please make this an "Urgent" thread. Otherwise, don't bother posting your revised essay as I will not be able to advice you again due to our one advice per essay thread policy and our admin will delete the 2nd essay due to duplicate postings. Only the "Urgent" thread is allowed to have duplicate postings. Inquire as to how to make this essay "Urgent" from our moderators or admin. They will happily assist you.

Writing Feedback / Formal "pen and paper" examinations are not the best method of assessing educational achievement [3]

Mia in your opening statement, the paraphrase is incomplete. It does not include a reference to the point of view regarding the pen and paper exams. You only have 2 sentences when the minimum requirement is 3 sentences. This indicates a missing element in your paraphrasing. Let me give you a sample of a proper paraphrase for this topic. The sample I will give you is the template by which you should develop your essay discussions from this point on. Regardless of the topic, these elements need to be represented:

There is a common belief that the formal "pen and paper" exam does not accurately assess the educational attainment of a student. In this essay, I will be offering an insight into this point of view. Additionally, I will be offering my own opinion regarding this topic.

The opening statement has to accomplish 3 things. It has to indicate:
1. What is the topic for discussion?
2. Why is this topic important to discuss?
3. How will it be discussed?

The example above shows a properly developed paraphrased opening statement that clearly offers this insight in summarized form. No opinion must be given at the start because the justification for it requires a separate discussion. Thus, no opinions or direct answers are ever given in the paraphrased statement. However, an implied response is allowed.

Your second paragraph is so confusing, that it will affect your GRA score in a highly negative manner. Try to express yourself in short, simple sentences for now. Even though your third paragraph is a bit more understandable, the confusing discussion in the second paragraph is what will affect the overall lexical resource, coherence and cohesiveness, and GRA score in this essay and not in a positive manner.

The concluding statement does not properly wrap up the discussion. Again, the 3 sentence minimum requirement must be followed. It must represent:
1. The topic for discussion
2. The reasons discussed
3. A restatement of your personal opinion as the closing sentence.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS writing task 2] Advantages and disadvantages of media [3]

Peter, your discussion has so many problems that I do not know where to begin. All of the problems your essay has connect to the fact that you are not discussing the essays in the proper one paragraph per topic manner. As this is a 5 paragraph essay, the format should have been as follows:

1. Paraphrase
2. First media discussion
3. Second Media Discussion
4. Third Media discussion / the most effective media discussion
5. Concluding paragraph

You must also be aware that when you type the words, you need to spell it out properly otherwise you end up spelling a totally different word by definition. A "comic" means to "causing or meant to cause laughter." or is a "a comedian, especially a professional one.". While "comics" refer to comic strips. While a "comic" may also refer to a comic strip, the keyword used in the essay has the "s" at the end. Therefore, you should have typed it as such. Always spell the words and make sure that your keywords are referred to properly as presented in the original.

Make sure that you never present your opinion or give a direct answer to the prompt in the paraphrasing because that is a violation of the writing rules for this test. The first paragraph should only summarize the original prompt. A sample format for the writing of this topic is as follows:

In this essay, I will be discussing the advantages and disadvantages of 3 forms of media in relation to information communication. The presentation will be based on the least effective to the most effective form. I will be supporting my choices with relevant examples from my personal experience or popular information.

My first choice is television for the following reasons.... However, the disadvantage of television is....
My second choice...
My preferred choice as the most effective media for communication is... To me, this is the most effective form even though it has disadvantages such as ... These do not affect its effectiveness as a communication tool.

In the end, all 3 have their advantages and disadvantages...

The work that you did on this essay is not very good. It did not properly assess and represent the required discussion and you would not have gotten a very good score for this kind of work. I hope to see improvements to your work in the next essays. Take my suggestions into consideration with your next writing piece.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 2 - Relationship between young and old generation [2]

Perdana, I will be lenient here and score this a 5 based on the new IELTS Task 2 Scoring system. In the old system, this would have scored a 4. The reason that your score is not so high is because you have a problem expressing yourself coherently in English. It is tremendously difficult to keep track of what you are trying to say and you have grammatical and punctuation errors, such as the lack of full stops and the existence of run - on sentences, that severely affected the message of your essay. As such, I was left with no recourse but to mark you down for those errors crossing the 4 scoring considerations.

More importantly, you made a severe mistake in the opening paraphrase which led me to realize that you have an understanding of the English language but have poor sentence development skills. Compare what you wrote in the prompt paraphrase to what I have written here, which is the correct version:

Young people today are perceived to have more power and influence these days than the older generations. While little is understood about why this happens, I will attempt to give an explanation for it in this essay. Additionally, I will analyze what sort of effect such a trend has on the relationship of the young and old generations existing in today's world.

In your version of the paraphrase, you said the older generation has more influence than the young, which is a reversal of what the original prompt provided. Hence, the mark down in your task accuracy score for that section. However, I considered the rest of the essay and saw that your discussion related to the original prompt so I decided to score it accordingly instead.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 - Throwing away things [2]

Zhiyuan, had you not made a mistake in the paraphrasing presentation of this essay, I would scored you a 7 for it. However, you did not do too bad as the overall score for your work could gain you a maximum score of 6. Remember how I keep telling you and the others never to present your opinion in the opening statement because it cannot be fully discussed there? Well, you made that mistake in this essay, again. That is the reason for the mark down in the TA portion. Your conclusion is good, acceptable, but still short of the 3 sentence requirement. Practice using full stops (periods) in your presentations instead of commas. That will automatically fix that problem. The problem now remains in the way that you present your paraphrasing. Please work on improving that. I believe that once you become conscious of that mistake and work towards never repeating it, you could score as high as a 7 or more in the essay practice tests.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1 - RADIO AND TV AUDIENCES [4]

Muhammad, while you did write more than the 150 word requirement of the essay, you did not effectively portray all of the information in the essay. You must also remember that this type of essay must be presented in a full 3 - 5 paragraph format. The most acceptable number of paragraphs is usually 4. All composed of 3-5 sentences each. The sentence requirement is to help you develop your grammar accuracy and presentation, which is a vital part of the scoring process.

You were able to accurately represent the visual representations in the graph, but you did not do an analysis of the graph. How did I know that you did not do a visual analysis? There were certain points during the day, at 6.00 and 13.00 when the viewership of television and the listening audience of the radio overlapped. This means that during these times, the audience share of the two mediums were shared or equal in number.

References to small, but important information like that indicate that you took the time to truly develop the content of your analysis. That means that your summary analysis and report is far more accurate and informative than the others that are presented for scoring. This will result in a higher consideration score for your essay in the end.

Undergraduate / NYU Tisch Dramatic Essay - "Hear My Notes" [6]

Kiera, I know this is a rough draft so you have loads of room for improvement. I feel like this is more of a narrative than a short story presentation. I think your essay needs more physical interaction between characters and more dialogue to break the narrative. the character dialogue should be read instead of implied in order to create a better visual of what is going on. Let the dialogue set up the scene and deliver the memorable moments. It's a short story, so make the scenes flow in a way that is fluidly transfers the scene to your grandmother getting ill and eventually dying. Make it a more memorable scene. Perhaps you telling her you are sorry it took you so long to get a guitar and her saying she will practice in heaven with you or something like that. There really is a lot more room for the narrative to become more interactive. That should help to better highlight your potential as a visual story teller.

This is a really interesting expositional read. I liked it a lot; it was very emotional and easy to understand. But yeah, I have to agree with Holt. I'm not sure I'd consider it an actual story. It reads a lot more like a journal entry. It also feels like you are trying to get a lot in, and, in doing so, you're rushing all of the parts instead of really giving the reader one descriptive scene.

I think you need to pare this down and pick one interaction to focus on. Maybe it's you arguing with your mom about how you won't go to bed until you've practiced more. Maybe it's the interaction with your grandmother, or you at her funeral upset that she died before you could actually get your guitar. It could be scene where you tell her everything you wanted to tell her, where you imagine that she is able to respond (so that you can create some sort of back and forth dialogue. Maybe it's you and your family going through her things when you find her guitar.

You have a lot of directions you could take. Don't push it too hard- your writing is evocative; you just need to narrow it down and dig in.

Writing Feedback / Ielts: The pie charts below show information on the highest level of education of women in Someland [5]

Tran, these pie charts need to have a point of comparison. That is the reason why two pie charts are provided to you. While you are supposed to discuss the individual elements of each chart, you must also do a comparison in order to show the differences in percentage on a year on year basis. The presentation of the essay must have had 5 paragraphs, namely:

1. The overview summary that explains the original instructions from the prompt
2. The contents of the first pie chart
3. The contents of the second chart
4. A comparison of the figures in the first and second pie chart. The trending may be discussed in this section as well.
5. Concluding statement regarding the information you analyzed (optional)

As presentations go, this is good but incomplete. Hopefully, you will be able to use the outline I provided above to help assist you with your next practice test.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2 - TRANSPORT REGULATIONS - road system [4]

Muhammad, your score will not be very good for this essay. I do not think that it can score higher than a 4 for a number of reasons. I'll explain my reasons in full detail below.

First, you do not clearly express yourself in the essay. Your desire to use as many English words as possible, without consideration for what you truly want to say in the essay has caused your paragraphs to become very confusing. The confusion your paragraphs create causes stress on the reader who cannot really decipher what you have to say. Do not aim to write complex sentences when you know that you are still unable to do so. Keeping your sentences simple and clear will score better than creating difficult to understand paragraphs.

Second, take for example your second paragraph, you said a lot of things, but you did not justify the line of reasoning that the car owners should be made to pay for the cost of maintaining and creation of new roads. Your lack of justification and information proceeds into the 3rd paragraph as well.

Finally, you also neglected to create a proper concluding paragraph for the essay. Your personal opinion is never acceptable as a concluding statement simply because a concluding statement does not contain new information. It is merely a summation of the discussion you created based upon the topic and instructions you were originally provided.

Essays / PARENT-CHILD RELATONSHIP THESIS TASK! Based on Morrison's "A Mercy" [2]

That is a good summation of the story presented in the book. However, that does not make a very good thesis statement. That is only a thesis idea. Your introduction, leading into your thesis statement must offer an overview of each relationship that each character has with the child. Therefore, you need to present an overview of these relationships, in relation to one another. By connecting the principles or ideas that perhaps bind these characters together, then you will be able to give a tremendously strong thesis sentence towards the end of the thesis paragraph. Don't focus on shortening the presentation to just one line. Focus on creating an inter-connected relationship between the characters with regards to sacrifices made in the name of parent-child relationships. You have an interesting premise, you just need to do some build up in order to make it highly interesting to the reader.

Writing Feedback / Good and bad punishment of children - essay (IELTS) [5]

Mai, there are 4 elements that need to be represented in your opening statement. You neglected to mention that you will also be discussing what sort of punishment you believe should be given to children to help them learn right from wrong. A proper opening statement sample is as follows:

It is an accepted fact that children need to know when they are doing something right or something wrong. There is a strong belief that the lessons need to be reinforced with a punishment in order to help the children remember what they did wrong. In this essay, I will be discussing my opinion of the topic and what sort of punishment I believe is necessary to prevent the child from making the same mistake in the future.

It is important that you pay attention to fully developing your opening statement because this is the first scoring element of the essay. If you increase your score to the maximum in the task accuracy portion, you will be able to gain better consideration for any shortcomings that you may have in the other paragraphs. If you can prove that you understand the requirements of the essay, then the rest of the elements should be scored considerably better than if you had a low TA score.

Do not indicate your position on the issue within the opening paragraph. Stating your position requires you to present a discussion explaining that stand. Which is why it is always advised that you place that opinion in a separate paragraph within the essay. The opinion paragraph is your chance to prove that you have the GRA to express yourself in English and also, be understood by others. Stating your position in the opening statement defeats that purpose.

Always leave some time during the practice test to review and edit your essay. I saw a number of typographical errors and missing punctuation marks in your current work. That will cause a mark down on your part because you did not do well in the Grammar Accuracy range.

Your conclusion is good, but should have been divided into at least 3 sentences in order to meet the minimum sentence requirement which also helps to increase the task accuracy score.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK2 - CONTROVERSIAL GENDER TOPIC [2]

Sebastian, because you misunderstood, misrepresented, and did not correctly discuss the original prompt statement, your essay cannot score higher than a 3. While you were asked if you believed that it was right to exclude certain genders from jobs because of their gender, you were discussing equality in the workplace. Which is nowhere near what the original prompt required you to discuss. Hence the failing score. You cannot pass any aspect of the test because you already failed the task accuracy portion. As such, it shows that you lack the English comprehension skills to be able to participate in an English discussion on a given topic. Therefore, the rest of the rating criteria no longer applies. It won't matter how good your grammar is when your English comprehension skills are not at an acceptable level for an English speaker / student. In order to pass this test, you must do the following:

1. Learn to look for keywords that can help you understand the meaning of the essay. Keywords such as "women, men, common strengths and weaknesses,exclude, due to gender", if you understood these words, would have helped you to better respond to the essay prompt

2. Practice your English comprehension skills by not doing the actual essay tests yet but rather, allowing yourself to read any English material and then simply have you restate what you read in a manner that your friends and relatives can understand. Once you are comfortable with that and you successfully explain the topics you have read about, then you may proceed with the actual practice tests.

As of now, this essay will not receive a passing score. You need to work on developing your lexical resources and task accuracy representations in order to increase your chances of getting a passing score in the actual test.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Writing: whether young adults should be indepent from the family [2]

Wang, try to develop at least 3 sentences per paragraph in your essay. For this essay, I would like to specifically call your attention to your opening statement that does not have this required number of sentences. The reason you need to write at least 3 sentences is because you need to properly paraphrase the prompt, the instructions, and state your opinion in the opening salvo of the paper. You were supposed to present both sides of the discussion as individual sentences in order to meet this requirement. So this should have read as:

There are two types of adults in this world. The first kind, are the adults who want to live independently of their parents as soon as they are capable of doing so. The other, represents the young adults who wish to live with their family longer. In this essay, I will discuss which of the two types of situations would be better for an adult such as I.

In my opinion, it would be best if adults lived independently of their parents as soon as possible. That is because...

Since this is an opinion paper, you need to present at least 2 paragraphs that support your opinion, 3 would be best. In any case, your information should only be supportive of your personal opinion because you were asked to make a choice between two options. This is therefore an opinion essay, not a compare and contrast essay.

Your conclusion is faulty because it continues the discussion of facts for the essay instead of simply ending the discussion with a recap of the previous discussion within 3 sentences. That is all that is required of the TOEFL conclusion paragraph.

Writing Feedback / [Task1] Information about Chorleywood town [4]

Gang, try to vary the way that you end the opening statement. Don't always use the same closing line. Try to develop new ways of saying it so that you can also develop your lexical resources and grammar range. I noticed that you decided to use that line almost like a template. That will not serve you well in practice because you limit your grammar development. The overall presentation of the essay is sufficient enough for a score of 6.5 - 7, depending upon the other details that the examiner might have to take note of during his scoring process. Overall though, you did an excellent job in all aspects. The essay was easy to follow, showed a detailed analysis of the map, and increased the knowledge of the reader just by reading your highly detailed report. There is something that I would like you to try in your next test though. Try to see if you can develop more complex sentences using 5 sentences per paragraph. We already know that you can write well in short bursts. Try to lengthen the paragraphs in an effort to boost your final score in the GRA section.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 2 - Same products around the world [3]

Trinh, you still have not learned how to analyze the discussion requirements of the essay. In an "or" essay, only one side of the issue to be discussed. That is the side that you support or do not support. This is not a comparison essay, this is a single opinion essay discussion. Another problem with your essay is the wrong formatting of your opening statement. You are not allowed to present your opinion in the opening statement because that is only the summary and outline of the discussion. It is not the discussion itself. Since you cannot develop your explanations within the opening statement, it is best to save that for the body of the essay. An example of the correct prompt paraphrase is:

Globalization is allowing people to buy the same products regardless of where they are in the world. The trend has seen people of the world becoming far too similar in many ways due to the ready availability of similar goods. While others think this is a negative thing, this essay will look into the positive effects of this trend.

I believe that this is a positive development because...

Remember, all opening and closing paragraphs need to have at least 3 sentences and represent a presentation of the discussion in paraphrased form each time. Your conclusion did not accomplish this properly. The conclusion should have just offered a summary of the discussion, data, and your opinion.

Basically, your essay should have indicated only the positive aspects because that is what you are supporting. The negatives should have only been mentioned if you were supporting the negative side. This is a one opinion essay. You can justify your opinion using one or 2 paragraphs of reasons to strengthen your discussion.

Undergraduate / A person's success is defined by how he handles failures. ADMISSION ESSAY RECCOMENDATIONS! [3]

Brian, I am not sure what prompt requirement you are responding to. This is a very lengthy but not really focused essay in my opinion. The reason I say that is because it doesn't respond to any of the common app requirements that I am familiar with. I hope that you can make this thread urgent when you supply the prompt requirement so that I can better assist you with the editing of the content. I am confused because you are applying to college and yet, you are talking of a personal aspiration to have a complete family. How does that apply to the course you are applying to or the prompt requirement you are responding to?

Honestly, your essay left me confused and unsure about what statement you are trying to make. Maybe that is because you did not offer complete instructions for the review of your essay. I can't really accurately review your work when you are not giving me any instructions to base my observations and comments on. I can say that you wrote well. However, if you ask me as to whether it meets the prompt requirements or not, that I cannot tell. I need the prompt requirements or at least the reason you chose to discuss this topic in relation to a specific essay requirement of your application in order to decide that.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 - Effect of International Fast Food [4]

Zhiyuan, you did not accurately paraphrase the prompt requirement and you totally misunderstood the discussion consideration as well. The correct paraphrase for your essay is as follows:

International fast food is believed to be speedily replacing traditional foods in most countries. There is a public believe that this steady increase in the popularity of fast food will result in a negative effect on families and societies. I totally disagree with this statement due to some factors that need to be considered in terms of food preferences of countries. Specifically, the food preferences of my own people in (name of your country).

This type of opening paraphrase shows that an analysis of the topic presented was done and that you considered all angles when it came to the food preference discussion in relation to traditional and fast foods. Your essay is nowhere near this required discussion, which is the required discussion because you made a mistake in your paraphrasing and as such, did not accurately represent the expected essay response. You presented an opinion essay based on a prompt discussion that you developed for yourself, which is not based on the original instructions provided. The important missing element in your opening statement that changed your discussion was "I totally disagree..." Keywords taken from the original prompt and used in the paraphrase will always help guide and outline your discussion. I hope you remember to do that with your next test.

The conclusion is also faulty as you were not able to properly sum up the given discussion by restating the prompt, stating a summary of facts from the discussion, and then repeating your disagreement in the end. That is all that is required in the concluding statement. Never give an additional discussion as it will not be considered a concluding statement and you will lose points for it.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing Task 2 - An unbalance in labor source is the controversial topic for many decades [3]

Nguyet, in response to your inquiry in your previous post, you just need to write in your normal style. Just make sure that you are clear with what you are saying. That means, that when you write, make sure people will understand your discussion. It does not need to have complex sentences if you cannot develop them effectively. What is more important is that you are clearly understood. The examiner will make allowances for any shortcomings that you have in sentence development but will not forgive you for confusing them with your lexical resources that confuse the presentation. Each essay is special in its own way. There is no such thing as one essay being better than the other. There is also no perfect formula for the highest score. You just need to do your best and make sure that the essay can be understood. You will be scored based on your existing and appropriate abilities. Don't let people tell you how to write. There is no right or wrong way of doing that. As long as you follow the instructions, you will be fine in terms of scoring.

Now, with regards to this essay, the prompt clearly indicates the type of discussion that you are to be presenting. That is, the extent of your agreement with the idea. Therefore, you are not to oppose or discuss the negative side in your essay. When they say "To what extent" your response should be "I support this idea to the extent that it will help both genders gain equal employment in a workplace." or something similar and then defend the stance of "equal employment in the workplace" in the succeeding discussions. You did not totally understand the prompt requirements when it came to the instructions as to how to discuss the essay. You did however, understand the topic presented. So, between that confusion in your opening statement and the misrepresentation of the discussion in the body of the essay, the breakdown for your score is as follows:

TA - 4
C&C- 4
LR - 5
GRA - 6

I have to remind you again that your personal statement in this type of essay must be seen throughout. You must take ownership by constantly indicating "I believe, my opinion, I assume, etc." in each paragraph since this is not a compare and contrast essay. You made a severe error by indicating another personal opinion in the conclusion. As I told you before, that is not allowed and you were marked down for it in this practice test.

Graduate / PT School Entrance Essay First Draft [2]

@phamboy1 it is difficult for me to review your essay because it is too long and tries to accomplish too many things. I wish you had provided us with the guide questions, if there were any provided to you because that would tell me how to best assess your essay. Going by what you said though, that this is an entrance essay first draft, I will assume that you are writing a personal statement explaining why you have an interest in PT. If that is the case, then the complex information in the first part of your essay needs to be removed. The focus of the paper should be in your interest in Kinesiology and how it relates to your career in the massage therapy field. More importantly, the discussion as to why you chose this university is of the utmost importance. Revise the essay to be more focused on those aspects and then remove the irrelevant parts such as the story about your mother and your work ethics. Those are not important at this point. In a personal statement, it is only the development of your interest that is important to represent.

Research Papers / Research Essay on the effects divorce has on families and the ways it can be treated [2]

Sara, this is a very interesting topic to discuss. However, the thesis statement that you created is unclear. It is too wide in coverage and will not allow you to focus on a single purpose for your research. Don't try to cover both the family and the children in the discussion. It is important to properly focus your research efforts on only one topic so that you can come up with 10 pages of relevant and non-confusing information for your readers. Right now, the essay is all over the place because you are diving the focus of the reader between the effects on children and effects on the family. The effects on children have been widely researched already. Perhaps you will want to consider the effects on the divorced spouses instead? Not much research and survey has been done in that field yet. Most of your information can be very well expanded to more than 10 pages if you focus on divorce in terms of the couple splitting up and its effect on them and their future relationships rather than the effects on the children. If you review your research, you might also see that you have more information leaning towards that discussion and it would be a waste to not follow through on what can be a highly original and informative discussion.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Tourism and extent opinion [5]

Nguyet, your essay has some good points and some bad points. So to be fair, I will score you on an individual level of your presented essay. Based on the 4 criteria, I believe that you will score as follows:

Task Accuracy - 6
Coehsiveness and Coherence - 5
Lexical Resource - 3
Grammar Range and Accuracy - 3

While you did understand the prompt requirements. You presented the discussion in reverse. You should have presented the negative and then disagreed with it by presenting your positive view of tourism. This would have shown a clear "extent" of your agreement because you have referred to phrases like " while some people that tourism negatively affects,,, I believe that tourism is good in this instance because..." The prompt requires you to only agree with the idea presented so the opposing idea has to come from somewhere else, not you. That turns it into a comparison essay instead of an opinion essay.

There were problems with your lexical use such as "instinct" when you meant to say "extinct" and "invisibly" when it should have been "inevitably" and so on and so forth. Make sure you use the correct English word by first understanding its meaning. Otherwise, you distort the message of the paragraph you are writing and the essay becomes difficult to understand. That is why I had to score you so low in the last 2 criteria, the message of the essay became hard to follow as I had to try to figure out what you said when you were using the wrong word choices in the sentences. Good work in keeping on one topic along per paragraph though. Keep that up. It at least helped me to figure out what the total essence of the paragraph was.

Writing Feedback / [Task 1] The two maps show an island, before and after the construction of some tourist facilities [9]

Gang, your task accuracy score will fall under a 5 but the rest of the requirements will see you receiving a 6 at the most. So your final score, depending upon the small details that the actual examiner will consider could be anywhere from a 5 to a 5.5. The reason that your task accuracy score was lowered was because you neglected to give a description of the island prior to its development. This should have been included as the remote island description, which is currently missing at this time. As of now, I am not sure where you got the data regarding 400 meters because what I see in the illustration is a 100 meter from the sea description. You still did a very good job on the analysis and comparison portion of the essay, you just missed out on a key point for descriptive purposes and also misquoted the data in the essay regarding the distance of the beach from the sea. These were the 2 points that eventually, had me marking down your essay.

Essays / Global warming and endangered species in United States of America argumentative essay [5]

Zayn, both the thesis statement that you wrote and the suggested thesis title to you will both be rejected by your professor due to the vagueness or wideness of the possible topics for discussion. You need to narrow it down to one specific animal, environment or natural habitat, and proposed solution. My proposal is that you choose an animal of interest to you and work on developing your original thesis statement from there. If I were to develop a title for this essay, my title would be similar to "The Dwindling of the Shark Population is Due to the Harvesting of Their Fins For Human Consumption". The thesis statement will be, "There is a belief that man's interest in eating Shark's Fin based dishes has resulted in a dwindling population due to illegal harvesting of the fish fins by shark fishermen who throw the sharks back into the sea, alive, but bleeding to death, after fin harvesting. In this essay, I will argue that the actions of man do not represent the demise of the shark but rather, it is only a small factor when compared to the effects of global warming on the ocean, the sharks habitat. It is global warming and not fin harvesting that causes the endangerment of the species." This type of title and thesis statement is narrow enough to be accepted by your professor due to the focused research it represents.