Writing Feedback / New technologies have developed dramatically in the recent years. IELTS, task2 writing module [5]

Jason your essay will recieved a failing score of 3. That is due to your obvious misunderstanding of the prompt instructions. You are expected to merely agree or disagree with the given statement, justifying it to the reader based upon your personal experience or popular knowledge. Your essay changed the prompt instructions when you said that you would instead be discussing the history of the trend. . Review the instructions and compare it with what you wrote. You wrote an essay counter to the instructions given. One you make a mistaken in the prompt paraphrasing, you end up writing the wrong essay. So, you cannot be scored for the rest of the criteria since your work doesn't apply to the original instructions. You need to be careful when establishing the task accuracy representation. Make a mistaken there and you will immediately fail the test.

Graduate / MSW Statement of Purpose; Master of Social Work [2]

David, review the specific prompt requirements and compare it with the essay that you wrote. You should find that the information about your country of origin doesn't factor into any of the prompt requirements. Neither do the problems that you present regarding the treatment of immigrants. The solution to those problems are policy and politically connected. It has very little to do with social work. You did not provide proper responses to instruction numbers 3,4, and 5. You became so personally involved in the writing that you lost focus when it came to providingthe required elements. You need to reassess your prompt responsiveness and assist, delete, or add dinnertime as necessary for the response. This is not a personal statement but a statement of purpose guided by specific application instructions. You have to deliver based upon the instructions provided to you. I suggest that you revise the content accordingly and then post the revision as urgent so that I can continue to guide your essay development and finalization there.

Letters / Applying for a business school in Netherlands - Motivation letter for Business Administration [3]

Cesar, none of the information in your essay responds to the prompt requirement. The motivational letter instruction is clear. You are to present a thesis statement along with your plans for research at the university. This thesis should be a continuing research from your previous college (or otherwise) thesis paper. The reason that it has to be a continuing research is simple, you need to prove that you have the previous academic background to succeed in your course of study at Radboud. If you changing courses, then you need to set up a fresh thesis statement for your masters course. One that will highlight the method by which your studies at Radboud will help you complete. Specifically, you have to explain what facilities, programs, and research opportunities the university offers that aligns with your interests. That way, the reviewer can decide if you are a proper "fit" for the university. You need to be specific about your research plans and connect these research plans with your career prospects in the future. I do not see any of these clearly outlined in this essay. Please revise your essay and post it here for my assessment as an "Urgent" thread so that I can continue to assist you in the finalizing of your paper.

Undergraduate / Doctor of Pharmacy Application [3]

Sara, skip the part about being a 5 year old. That takes focus away from the relevant parts of your personal statement. Start with the paragraph that discusses how your love for Chemistry grew in high school instead. Chronicle the development of this interest by discussing everything that led up to your being able to attend the cadaver lab. When you get to that part, you need to fully explain how the sight of the human body and the effects of medicines on it helped to influence your desire to become a pharmacist. That is not clear in that paragraph so the way the paragraph is set up now leaves it uninformative and incomplete. I have a problem with the way you discuss the tutoring portion as your professional background. This does not have a direct relation to your interest in Pharmacy aside from you helping others learn about equations and the like. It does not add merit to your application as having a direct influence in your desire to become a pharmacist. Remember, as a pharmacist, you might end up in the backroom, far removed from interaction with patients. So the discussion you present there doesn't seem to jive with the rest of the essay requirements. The cadaver lab works better in that respect. Maybe you should look into further developing that discussion instead. Overall though, the essay has the potential to help your application. These revisions should help you do that. If you want me to continue reviewing the essay for you, please register your revised version as an "Urgent" thread. Otherwise, my advice for you ends here.

Writing Feedback / writing Task 1: Oregon Population in three counties [3]

Agus, you cannot score higher than a 4 with this essay because of a number of reasons. The first, is that the essay does not accurately use the information in the graph that you were provided. When you write a summary essay, specially one based on factual data, you must always use the numbers provided. That means, the year, the values, and any other comparison data that you analyzed in the chart. Without these information, the essay, such as the one that you wrote does not inform the reader of anything important. It becomes almost hearsay in approach and makes the words that you write worthless. If it cannot educate the reader, then the essay is not useful to them. This essay is meant to inform, you work did not do that. Also, please familiarize yourself with the states / provinces of the United States. Oregon and Washington are locations of the states, therefore the location of Oregon cannot move to the location of Washington. However, the people who reside in these states can move from one state to another. Next time, explain that the people from Oregon are the ones moving to Washington. Not Oregon moving to Washington. That will never happen.

Speeches / First time Toast master Introduction sessions [2]

Ashrafs, when you write a speech, try to avoid using a forward slash when separating descriptions. In place of that, you can use spoken words such as "or" or "and". It is important to use the written word for the speech because the audience cannot see the special punctuation marks in your speech. The use of the marks could lead you to omit additional descriptive words that can help the listeners keep track of what you are saying. With that said, you need to review your essay for many run-on sentences, missing punctuation marks such as periods and commas, and finally, you need to clarify a number of points in the essay. These include:

1. You said you have 3 siblings but then mentioned you have 2 doctor siblings and 2 Engineer siblings. There is a math error in this instance. Do you have 3 or 4 siblings?

2. When you talk about your interests and hobbies, you cannot present only one sentence. Speak of more hobbies and interests since you are introducing yourself to people. They won't get to know you from one sentence. BTW, the term is "loved ones" not "beloved once".

3. The most severe run on sentences are in the portion when you introduce your kids. Please use a full stop where necessary.

Review your essays for your terms usage. Always use the full terms. Do not use shortcuts or slang in a formal speech. So do not say "dev". Say "development". Always respect the listener by using the complete terms. You are not talking to friends here, you are talking to professional equals so treat them as such.

Scholarship / Practical Example After Graduating - primary health center and health promotion media [6]

Diga, I got special permission from the forum admin to respond one last time to your essay so let's make this advice count because I will not be able to come back to help you some more. In a way, I feel like the content of the essay is good, but the formatting is not. Somehow, the problems that you will be encountering along the way towards realizing the 3 examples seem to go hand in hand. They seem to need to blend seamlessly in the way that you present the essay. So my suggestion is this, open the essay with the hindrance that you will need to overcome first. By explaining the lack of funding first, and the budgeting problems, the introduction of the programs that you wish to implement after your graduation becomes more urgent and delivers a more serious note of necessity in the community. You can integrate the information to be part hindrance and part example, thus impressing the reviewer with your ability to find a go-around on the hindrance. For example, you can say:

My country has a pretty good public healthcare system in place. The government tries their best to address the public health issues even while working with a limited budget. This limited budget is what prevents the local health workers from accomplishing... So my plan, upon my return, is to use the limited budget offered to the local healthcare workers by implementing a program that... Another obstacle I will be facing is... which I plan to overcome by .... Finally, the problem of... can be resolved by my training since I will be able to...

By creating a more seamless and integrated presentation of both requirements, your essay should stand out from the pack of essay discussions that go prompt by prompt. Offering the problem, the solution, and how to implement the solution will make this essay different from all the rest.

Graduate / SOP Environmental Science - broad learning experience [2]

Justin, you made it clear that this essay is for a statement of purpose. Therefore, there are some elements that you need to remove and some elements that you need to add in order to make this a proper SOP essay. For starters, remove the personal information located in the second paragraph. The reviewer does not care about your being a teenage father and other things. All he wants to hear about is how your academic or professional career progressed to the point where you realized that the purpose of your professional career was tied in to Environmental Science. Make the paragraph about your military stint the second paragraph and then retain the rest of the essay. Add some information towards the end about why you chose to attend this university and how it can help you achieve your long term career goals. By the way, in the first paragraph, don't use the future tense. Use past tense instead because those experiences should have already happened for you by now, based upon the information found within the rest of the essay. Your essay is really good. It just needs to be tightened in terms of content and relevant information. My instructions should help you do that.

Writing Feedback / Sorrel Cottage Development - Map [3]

Phuong, your presentation lacks coherence and your sentences vary from hanging to run - on sentences. As a rule of thumb, all paragraphs needs to have at least 3 sentences each. So, train yourself to use a period in paragraphs. Go full stop. Do not pause by using a comma. Always stop totally before writing additional information in the essay. Your final sentence is even worse because it just hangs there. Not really belonging to a paragraph, nor actually giving additional important information.

The reason that sentence was misplaced is because the year of the information being provided should have been included in the first part of the paragraph. Always give a chronological presentation of the data to the reader, specially when actual years are involved, such as in this case. It is never a good idea to just insert or add information at the end because it will be hard for you to then develop the sentence into a full paragraph.

Don't say "two years later" when the information you are given actually provides the dates regarding when things happened. Use the complete year whenever possible because this shows that you actually assessed the diagram and have a clear understanding of what information must be presented in the essay because it is important and required in order to understand the development of the area in the diagram.

All things considered, depending upon the more minute considerations an examiner might have for your essay, you could probably score somewhere between a 4 or 5 for this kind of work.

Writing Feedback / What are pros and cons of job hopping ? [2]

Tu, be careful of the way that you spell your words. You will get marked down for every word that is misspelled such as "carer" for "career' and "jo" for jobs. This carelessness in the way that you developed the essay will have an effect on your English familiarity and grammar accuracy scores. Two criteria that, when combined, could spell the passing or failing of your essay score. These are easily correctable errors that I hope to see you improve upon with your next essays. Now, I do not want to harp only on the negatives of your essay because you did do some things right. Those right things have to to do with the strength of your reasoning and logic. Though your grammar tends to be problematic, it does not take away from the fact that the essay contains an acceptable discussion and can still be easily understood despite the grammar setbacks. So, you did a good job just the same.

Scholarship / The Biosciences Master - Reviews for Scholarship Essay [3]

Shubham, you have given a very specific explanation as to the course of study that you wish to undertake at UCL. It is obvious that you have given great thought as to the masters course you wish to take in relation to your future career growth. You truly understand the demands of the course and you are more than willing to dedicate yourself to its completion. There is a sense of in-depth analysis because you even mentioned the name of the program tutor in the essay. I think that you should just say program tutor as the title of the person you spoke to though and not mention the name of the professor who advised you. That is because when you mention specific names in the essay, those people are expected to deliver a recommendation letter for your admission as well. Since this professor does not know you personally or academically, it would be best to just make a general reference to that discussion. This is a very strong essay and should be able to help your scholarship application.

Writing Feedback / Non-scientific subject is not important? [4]

Sriwidayani, it seems to me that you discussed the wrong prompt requirement in this essay. Were you practicing by answering two different prompt simultaneously? That has happened here before with dire consequences. Such as in this instance. If this were an actual test, you would automatically gain a score of 3 due to the improper topic discussion. The question was whether you agree or disagree that non-exam art based subjects will help a student develop academically so it should be a compulsory class in secondary school. What you discussed instead was whether students should be made to take classes that he may not excel in. Which is a totally different prompt discussion. That is why you failed this practice test. It is clear that you did not understand the prompt instructions nor were you even conscious of what the topic for discussion was.

Writing Feedback / Information Technology brings a work flexibility [6]

Sriwidayani, your essay is very weak. It does not really offer any solid evidence that the benefits of IT outweigh its disadvantages. You did present a discussion, but the evidence to support it was mostly general in nature instead of specific. In order to promote the idea that IT has more advantages, there needed to have been a specific mention of the IT methods or gadgets that make telecommuting a more advantageous method of working when compared to commuting to the office in order to perform work related tasks. You were supposed to also concentrate on technological innovations and not occupations such as painting. That does not require technology for its performance. That is not a telecommuting job that relies on technology.

In your second paragraph, you assumed that the person will still need to go to the office to do work even with the gadgets available. Your discussion in this aspect is a prompt deviation and as such, forces your score to become even lower. The discussion in that paragraph is wrong because the given topic centers on only one premise which is "Information technology enables many people to do their work outside their workplace". As such, you have proven that you did not understand the prompt and you do not have enough knowledge with which to properly discuss the topic. These are the reasons why I do not think you can score higher than a 3.

Writing Feedback / Technology has helped us to have a more convenient life." Discuss [3]

Vy, you make some pretty valid discussion points in your essay. Just one point for correction though. In an academic testing essay such as this one, it is always best if you give a general description or discussion, without concentrating on a particular gender. That is because these days, the genders all experience the same problems regardless of whether technology exists or not because people in general, live in an almost uniform manner due to the existence of technology. So in instances when your information applies to all genders, be vague. Your score will be higher. In your conclusion, I do not approve of you adding information that you were not properly able to build up and explain further. It left me wondering what else you could have said to further convince me that your opinion on the topic is the right one to side with.

Writing Feedback / The alteration of expenditure in local government of Someland over 30-year period [3]

Restuan, please take note that you should only use the information provided to you within the pie charts and you are not at liberty to make up some information, or relate information that is not in the chart. There was no indication of the place "Someland" in the pie chart and instructions. So that term should not be used in your essay. The proper way to have written the overview would have been to say:

Three pie charts, covering 3 decades of expenses for an unknown town has been provided for analysis...

When there are factors that are missing from the chart that need to be mentioned, the test is trying to find out if you have the analytical skills to spot that missing data and, if you have the ability to properly represent the missing data in your essay in a proper manner.

The language of your essay gets confusing at certain points. For example, I reread the part where you wrote:

Furthermore, from 1990 to 2000 the number of those outgoing to transportation had risen,

What do you mean by "outgoing to transportation"? That phrase does not make any sense to a native English speaker. These, plus additional grammar concerns led to a score of 4, in my opinion for this essay.

Writing Feedback / Employee Benefits - Information Technology help people for working outside their workplace [2]

Hermin, you have really tried to apply yourself to the writing of this essay. Unfortunately, it still was not good enough. The highest score you can get with this essay is most likely a 4. That is because the way that you developed your discussion is unclear and confusing to the reader. It causes undue stress to anyone who is reading your work because the sense of logic is missing and the clarity of the paragraph does not come through. It takes a number of multiple readings on the part of the reader before he can get a better idea of what it is that you are trying to say. You have just started to write in English so I can understand why your work is turning out this way. Using the advice that you are given, I am hoping to see some sort of improvement in your writing skills over the coming days. Concentrate on making your paragraphs or key sentences understandable in order to improve your scores.

Writing Feedback / How to produce variation tealeaves [4]

Hermin, I realize that you want to show an in-depth analysis of the tea making process that you provided with. However, it is not good for your essay to make up information that is not included in the illustration you were given. The sun isn't mentioned anywhere in the process and therefore, should not be included in your summary. You are expected to provide an accurate and analytical summary of the information that you are provided with. That means you cannot include information, such as an "exothermic reaction" when it is not indicated in the process. You also missed out on mentioning the process of "steaming". I think that you mistook the "steaming" process for an "oven" process. Those should not be interchanged because steaming is a totally different process from oven roasting, which is what you are implying in your essay. Basically, you have the right idea as to how to approach the essay. It is the execution that turned out to be flawed so you only got a score of 4 for the essay.

Writing Feedback / Argumentative essay "International students should not be allowed to work while study in Aus." [3]

Philip, your essay has a number of grammatical problems. The first problem, is your fondness for using the word "Because" to start a sentence. The term "because" is a connecting word that is used to connect a previous idea with the next idea. Therefore, it cannot be used to start a sentence as you very often do in this essay. You also have a problem completing the thoughts in your sentences. You often place a period at the end of a sentence that has yet to complete its thought presentation. This creates a hanging sentence which, does not help create an authoritative image of yourself as a writing student. You have a tendency to discuss more than one topic per paragraph. This makes it difficult to keep track of the information and also, creates confusion when it comes to deciphering what you really want to say in the paragraph. Try to limit each paragraph to one idea or two connected ideas per paragraph. That way the reader doesn't get stressed out trying to keep track of the conversation you are presenting.

Writing Feedback / Ielts task 1 Wi-fi café, internet express and café cool in New York [7]

To, let me start by pointing out the problems with the essay. First of all, the indication of the figures is given in the chart is in the hundreds of dollars, as represented by the chart explanation of "000s Dollars". 3 figures is in the hundreds, 4 figures, in the thousands, 6 figures, in the millions. I really cannot find any indication that the income provided is in the millions of dollars. You once again failed to properly summarize the prompt requirement for presentation in the summary overview. You still have the same problems with regards to your run on sentences which prevent you from completing the minimum 3 paragraph requirement. You neglected to properly capitalize the names of the businesses, which are all proper nouns. You did not place a period at the end of the final sentence in the closing paragraph, thus leaving the sentence hanging. These problems will crate major score deductions in terms of the GRA considerations. You also forgot to discuss the overlapping income of Internet Express and Wi-Fi Cafe. These small problems always have big repercussions when it comes to scoring you so that it seems that you cannot get a score much higher than a 4 or 5. Depending upon what other considerations the examiner might have when scoring your essay.

Writing Feedback / Great role of big sporting competitions in our world [4]

Hailung, it is my opinion that you have written an essay worth a score of 6 at the most. While your conviction and tone is very strongly represented in your work, there are still a number of problems that have prevented you from gaining a higher score. One of the problems is the presentation of your opening statement. You presented a 2 sentence overview when the requirement is for a minimum of 3 sentences. You could have presented the reasons separately in order to meet that requirement or, you could have expanded upon the prompt restatement in order to create a more engaging opening piece. The conclusion also suffers from a similar problem. There is also an issue with your lexical resource. Evasion means to avoid something while invasion, means an unwelcome intrusion into another domain. Bear in mind that you will lose points for misused words. So if you are not sure of the meaning, do not use it in the essay. The wrong word usage affects more than your lexical score, it also has a direct effect on your GRA. So your otherwise strong essay was weakened by the problematic language representation.

Scholarship / Practical Example After Graduating - primary health center and health promotion media [6]

Diga, you must focus the attention of the reviewer on the single, most important, and most impressive undertaking that you will commit yourself to upon your return to your home country. By making him read about only one relevant, but meaningful project that you will enact upon your graduation, he will see the seriousness of your intentions and also, gain a better understanding of why you are dedicating your life to public health. Do not confuse the issue by presenting so many projects all at once. Just pick the most important one and discuss it. That way, you can better connect the project to the problem of funding that you are going to face upon the implementation of your project. As of now, you are trying to take on too much too soon. Start small. Just tell the reviewer about one problem. He will better understand what it is you want to do that way. Don't take on the whole problem in one essay. As the saying goes, "Pick battles small enough to win but big enough to matter". That is how you should represent your response in this essay.

Writing Feedback / Minority Languages to Die Out? - IELTS, task2 [3]

Noura, I am disappointed in the essay that you wrote because you did not develop the proper answer to the prompt requirement. You failed to properly understand the instructions for the discussion development. You are not being asked for suggestions regarding how to preserve the native languages, you were asked about your point of view regarding this practice. So somewhere along the way, you failed to understand the prompt requirement. This resulted in a mistaken discussion in your essay. Due to your prompt non compliance, this essay cannot get a score other than a 3. That is such a shame because you really wrote a very good essay. It just wasn't the right discussion to present. Since you are still doing practice tests, you have the opportunity to ask questions about the provided prompts. So seek an explanation first when you feel uncertain so that you will discuss the correct prompt and also, develop your​ English comprehension skills.

Graduate / Why you wish to pursue a career in journalism. [3]

Ankita, you have certainly written an impressive essay here. It really shows your passion and desire to become a very good journalist. However the impressive essay is marred by the fact that what you wrote isn't a statement of purpose but rather, a personal statement. So put a pin in this essay and save it for a more appropriate prompt discussion. You will need to write a new essay that will be more relevant for the sop based upon my suggestions below.

For starters, since you completed a different college degree, you need to explain what your first degree was and what pushed your decision to change careers at this point. The purpose for your enrolment will therefore become a career change. You may want to rehash the story from your childhood at that point. Move your age up to 13 instead of 10. Better yet, don't mention an age at all so that the reviewer will not question the reliability of the influence. It is the event that matters more.

Afterwards, you can, and should, explain why you ended up in a career far removed from your original interests. Then Depot what led you back to journalism. If you did any activities related to writing during that time, discuss it in this section. This will take the place of the required work experience in relation to journalism.

In the end, discuss the university that you chose to attend, the course you will enroll in and the factors that made you choose this university. Add information about how you hope to grow there and why you believe this choice is best given your skills and training. This would be the closing statement.

I strongly recommend that you make this an urgent thread once you have applied the revision so that I can continue to give your essay development there. Sadly, I can only advice you once in this thread. I hope to continue helping you finalize your essay soon.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL ESSAY: FAMILY vs FORMAL EDUCATION [5]

Lijing, what you did he was create your own prompt to respond to rather than responding to the prompt discussion requirement. Nowhere in the original prompt are you asked for the qualities off a good teacher. You are only getting asked to explain whether you are or disagree with the statement about parents being the best teachers. This prompt deviation on your part w will result in an automatic failure of your essay in the actual test.

The first thing you have to prove to the examiner is that you are capable of understanding English via the proper prompt restatement and succeeding discussion. Since you decided to create your own prompt and discuss that, you showed that you are able to understand English but cannot follow instructions. If you do not stick to the prompt requirements in your discussion, you cannot pass the test when it you do understand English and are capable of writing and speaking in the language.

Another violation of your essay is that you looked questions for the examiner as if you were speaking directly to the person and he can offer you an opinion. Do not lose questions in the essay unless you plan to personally respond to the said question yourself. This is not a physical discussion but rather an opinion paper and should be discussed in the same manner.

Writing Feedback / IMPORTANT FACTORS TO CHOOSE A JOB. [3]

Linh, you have done an excellent job of discussing this topic. Your language use and control is admirable and helped you to create a higher level of English writing, regardless of the minimal existence of grammar issues in your paragraphs. This is one of the few times that the essay writer has been able to accurately discuss and represent the prompt requirements to the point where the discussion presented actually has serious consideration value. The examiner will immediately notice that you took the time to perfect the writing of this essay which, by the way, could easily score anywhere between a 6 and a 7. It is this perfection that makes me wonder if you wrote the essay within the time limit or if you wrote it without regard for the actual exam parameters. If you wrote this beyond the required time, I strongly suggest that you try to write this way while practicing the time requirement. There is not much to critique in this essay because you show a clear understanding of the prompt and the ability to form simple to somewhat complex English sentences. Good job!

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: environmental topic, fossil fuels / other forms of energy [6]

Emily, unless you are specifically asked to do so in the prompt instructions, you should never write the essay from a personal point of view. The pronouns to be used here should be third person pronouns because you should be only informing the reader instead of trying to influence an opinion or belief. As such, your essay could be scored down for not properly representing the prompt instructions. You should also be careful of your grammar and spelling. Points are lost for careless writing such as "flues" when you meant "fuels". You are scored on grammar accuracy and lexical resource so by being careless in the way that you form the words, you show that you are not capable of writing coherently in English, thus further lowering your score consideration. Although you make some pretty good arguments in your essay, the mistakes that you made resulted in a lowering of your score from a possible 6 to a 5.

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1: Two mail companies: TNT and FedEx [6]

Maiirkhan, your opening statement does not follow the required information for a task 1 essay. The information in that paragraph should present an overview of the discussion, as per the prompt instructions. It should have detailed the forthcoming discussion in order to create the image of coherence and cohesiveness in the essay since you are scored on how you logically and chronologically present your discussion. Failing to do that, as in this case, will force a lower task accuracy score. While the presentation of the information is acceptable, I cannot help but feel that you could have done a better job at informing the reader. Since you have paragraphs that are only 2 sentences long, you accidentally ended up creating more run on sentences than you expected. You can avoid that by using a period to separate information instead of a comma. Aim to present 3-5 complete sentences in the paragraph in order to increase the chances of a higher GRA score on your end. This essay though, should be able to score around a 4 based upon all the information I presented above.

Undergraduate / College Choice - quality and necessary improvements of my study permit essay for Canada [4]

Mehedi, you are wasting too much space on unwarranted information in this essay. There are only 2 points that your essay should focus on. The reason why you want to study in Canada and why you chose Mohawk College to apply to. The convincing points for your academic desire to go to Canada must be represented by your familiarity with the ability of Canadian colleges and universities to educate their students to become world class professionals. Do not belittle your country in the essay instead, use your country as the inspiration for your desire to study abroad. Explain how your industry will benefit from your training abroad. Rather than telling the consul what you hope to learn at the university, detail how you plan to go back to your country to help improve the field of 3D animation and technology there. The point of this essay is to convince the visa officer that you will not be staying in Canada longer than you have to after you graduate. So make your intention to return him upon graduating clear in your essay. You also need to detail how you will be paying for college and how you will sustain your expenses as a student while in Canada. Make sure that you imply that you do not plan to break the laws of the country when you get there and that you will make sure to only work within the parameters of your student visa.

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 2: art-based subject can improve students' performance in secondary school. [6]

Agus , this essay is good when you consider that you successfully represented the prompt requirements in your opening statement. You remembered to represent your opinion at the end of the statement, which created a thorough outline for the discussion of our essay. Make sure that you understand the terms that you are using in the essay in the correct manner. For example, when you refer to singing, that refers to music and not art. By referring to singing as an art, which is partially correct, you misrepresent the category that the talent belongs to. Another important thing that you have to take note of is that you should only use personal knowledge and experience in defending your stand. Never use researched information like you did now because during the actual test, you will not have access to a live internet connection. All computers will be LAN connected only. So if you rely on researched information during your practice tests, you will be lost and possible fail the test when you lose internet access. The score for this essay could be 5 because you did a very good job of discussing the topic and your opinion.

Writing Feedback / Learning to play team sports is an important part of a child's education. [3]

Mayank, there is a problem with your opening statement because it does not accurately represent the topic for discussion and the given instruction pertaining to how the topic is to be discussed in the essay. You were being asked to agree or disagree with the topic and, this opinion, should have been presented as part of the discussion outline from the very start. Without that instruction, the essay seems to have taken a prompt deviation in the discussion. Which, we both know is not the case. However, people will think that because you prompt instructions were incomplete in the opening statement. In order to gain a better score, you need to make sure that all requirements for the discussion are properly represented in the opening statement. Next, the conclusion totally went off base when it came to wrapping up the essay. The concluding statement did not reflect information about team sports and your agreement or non-agreement of the given topic. The topic is about learning to plan Team Sports, not about team building. Due to these serious errors, the only possible score I can give you for this essay is 4.

Essays / Writing an essay on Science and Technologies: Designer babies [6]

Gina, if you are doing a debate about Designer Babies then you first have to know which side of the debate you will be supporting. Are you on the side that agrees with the development and existence of designer babies? Or are you to defend the opposing side? What you will research and how you will present the information totally depends upon the debate side that you are to be presenting. Since a debate is usually done by team, find out what topic will be assigned to you for discussion before you do any research. That way, you can easily prepare the proper rebuttal research in anticipation of the opposing side arguments during the debate. A debate is different from a research paper. The information I gave you above will help to prepare you for the debate. Make sure first that you are doing a debate and not a research paper because those require two different types of research and presentation.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL ESSAY: FAMILY vs FORMAL EDUCATION [5]

Li, your essay is... half baked, if we were to compare it to bread. It should have been a delectable representation of the prompt had you been able to appropriately represent your discussion using relevant examples and descriptions. Since you did not properly represent the prompt instruction as to how to discuss the topic, which had you either agreeing or disagreeing with the statement, you weakened what could have been a strong opening statement. Then, you made a comparison statement about books to scholars and instruments to teachers, but dropped the ball when it came to "parents are teachers to their children". The whole discussion is weak because it does not have any believable supporting information for your claims as to how parents are the best teachers for students. The essay is wanting for improvement in so many ways that this cannot possible score higher than a 2 in the actual test.

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1: Erosion of a headland - effects of waves in the coastal area [3]

Agus, the essay can probably get a 5 because you managed to present the obvious information in the illustration you were provided. While you would get a good score for this essay, that does not erase the fact that you did not manage to present the explanation of the erosion process in the proper manner. If you review the drawing, you will notice that each picture has a complete series of erosion procedures that combine to create the overall erosion. Each erosion procedure is equivalent to a single paragraph in the essay, had you explained each of the pictures in a complete paragraph manner. Bonus points for knowing how to use the examples given. However, the example is Durdle Door and Dorset. There is no comma between Durdle and Door, it is one word. The essay was already partially written for you in this instance, all you had to do was properly expand upon the provided information. With that said, you should know that there is still plenty of room for you to learn how to fully utilize the illustrations you are given to summarize. Just keep practicing. You have the potential to do it perfectly in the future.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: energy use and greenhouse gas emissions in an average Australian household [7]

Po, I do not think you can get more than a 4 with this type of essay writing. While you started off strong with your highly informative and engaging summary opening, your writing quality and information dissemination fell in standard in the succeeding parts. This is because you decided to not really do the comparisons of similar points in the essay. You merely stated the facts. If you read the prompt again, you will see that the instructions you were given to accomplish in the task were two-fold. That of reporting the main data and then, comparing the information. This was not accomplished properly in the essay. Your paragraph development is also inconsistent because you opted to separate the thoughts using semicolons, which do not help you to meet the minimum 3 sentence requirement of the essay. While the semicolon does help you to present related information to a certain extent, it does not properly separate the presentations so that the essay becomes factual in presentation and allows the reader the space he needs while reading for the analysis of the information being presented.

Scholarship / 2. Master of Technology and Innovation. How will the proposed study contribute to your career? [3]

Ung, consider removing the points where you discuss what you will learn in the course and just keeping the sentences that clearly indicate the contribution of the study to your career. By assuming that the course has already been completed on your end and that you now have the opportunity to apply what you learned, you will be better able to explain the contribution of the course to your career. It would be best if you state what your personal goal is in relation to your career improvement aside from addressing the obvious problems that your country has which can be resolved by having competent professionals in the field working to resolve the issue. The last sentence of your essay is unnecessary because you are merely restating the prompt. That is not required in this essay. A simple and direct answer is all you need to provide in an essay, not outline form.

Research Papers / Film reception theory: The Interview Questions [5]

Le, if you are doing this as an interview of someone who is considered an authority on Akira Kurosawa movies, you need to use establishing questions first that will introduce your interviewee as an authority in the field. Some establishing questions you can ask of the person to help strengthen his position as a person who has a full knowledge of the topic are as follows:

1. What was your first exposure to Asian films?
2. Prior to attending college, what activities did you participate in that cultivated your interests?
3. Where did you study Asian Film Studies?
4. What is your current profession in relation to Asian films?
5. What was the first Akira Kurosawa film you saw?
6. What did struck you about his work the first time you viewed it?
7. What led you to do further research on Kurosawa's work ?

These sets of questions will help you further develop the authoritative position of your research and interview.

Writing Feedback / Should children start learning foreign language earlier? [2]

Good work Lee. You were able to properly assess the topic for discussion, present the reason behind the discussion, and offer the idea as to how the discussion of the topic would be presented in your essay. Your conclusion also adhered to the same pattern of restating the prompt and reasons in a manner that allowed you to close the essay in a strong manner. Though there are existing grammar accuracy problems in your work, these did not deter the reader from reading what you had to say to the very end. Mostly because the mistakes did not confuse the reader nor pose any problems in deciphering the meaning behind your words. This is a very solid accomplishment on your part. I do not doubt that if you continue to write in this manner, you will score no less than a 6 in the actual test.

Writing Feedback / England female unemployment rates in each country of the United Kingdom [3]

Emma, I would have approached the comparison presentation of the bar chart in a different manner. I would have done it either in a progressive (lowest to highest) or regressive (highest to lowest) percentage presentation based upon the year of the information. The country in the UK would properly represented anyway as I presented the bar information. By doing it that way, the mechanical nature of the presentation, caused by the obvious choice of just comparing the digits as it was presented, would have been avoided. It would have also allowed for a better analysis on my part, as the writer, of the information provided so I would have been able to present some additional information that might have been overlooked using your current presentation. By presenting the information per paragraph using the yearly basis, the essay would have also been easier to follow as it does not confuse the reader by combining the year comparison in the same area. Dividing the yearly presentation would have made it easier for the reader to recall the information as well.

The major problem of your essay is that you did not write enough sentences to qualify your statements as paragraphs. All of the presentations have only 2 sentences rather than the required 3 sentence (minimum) presentation. This mistake will definitely drag down your overall score, regardless of the strength of your discussion. You were also a bit careless and sloppy in your presentation because you did not use periods to create logical schools of thought within your paragraphs. Instead, you just created long run on sentences through the constant use of commas. Learn to use the period. That is a writers best friend and will always help to increase your scores far better than these run on sentences can.

Based on the aforementioned issues, I think your final score for this essay will be no more than a 4.

Writing Feedback / Residential housing - Alteration in America Village between 1994 and 2010 [2]

Hermin, as a rule of thumb, you will increase your chances of a higher score in the TA and GRA sections of your essay if you do your best to develop your paragraphs using the 3-5 sentence rule. The longer the paragraph, the better chances you have of developing complex sentences and an impressive lexical resource that could help to boost your final score. Your opening statement could have used the increased sentence presentation, as the concluding sentence benefited from your 3 sentence presentation. Aim for a consistency when presenting comparison information. It would be best for you and the reader if you do not mix the year presentations in one paragraph. Since you were provided with two drawings to use for the comparison essay, you could have discussed each image as a separate paragraph, creating 2 body paragraphs that accurately discussed the development and changes of the drawings while also setting your essay up for a more solid concluding paragraph. The improved conclusion would have been the direct result of the more informative body of paragraphs within the essay. As is, this essay would probably garner a score of 5.

Writing Feedback / If the students are underperforming, it is a sign that they have a bad teacher. Discuss [4]

Vy, I am not sure what you are supposed to discuss here and how. Rather than presenting an accurate paraphrasing of the prompt requirements, you decided to pose a question before the reader. Which would have been a good thing if you had only bothered to add an explanation of what the essay would be discussing and why. For example, you could have indicated that this is an opinion essay based upon the premise that "students under perform in school due to bad teachers. I will explain why I believe this is so." The current opening statement does nothing to establish the line of discussion within the essay, which is what is expected of the opening statement in an exam essay.

While the rest of your essay reasons make sense, you suddenly decided to contradict your line of reasoning for some reason come paragraph 4. Why is that? What kind of essay are you trying to really discuss? Why did you suddenly present this reason? You are leaving your reader with more questions than answers in this instance regarding your discussion topics and methods so that the confusion will be sure to affect your final score. Remember, you need to have a clear discussion outline in your first paragraph so that the reviewer can follow the flow of the essay and always know his place even if he stops reading for a while and comes back. You did not accomplish the informative objective of this particular presentation.