Writing Feedback / Should children do household chares? [3]

Huynh, I am very sad to tell you that the only score this essay can get is 1 in the actual TOEFL test. The reasons for this are numerous. The first is the confusing presentation of the paraphrased prompt requirements in your opening statement. A native English speaker, the examiner in this case, will develop a case of undue stress based upon your questionable response to the prompt requirement and thoroughly problematic English sentence development. Your grammar does not make sense in most instances and thus, does not help to develop an explanation for your purpose. Additionally, you did not properly represent the prompt requirement that dictates that you agree or disagree with the statement first, then provide examples. The opinion should have been delivered no later than the beginning of the second paragraph. In this instance, there was no opinion coming from you at all. So, based upon the grammar problems and formatting problems, as well as a clear lack of English understanding, the essay cannot be given a passing mark at all.

Writing Feedback / Writing IELTS Task2: Topic Food products. Imported or local? [3]

Nguyen, your opening statement falls short of the examiner's expectations. You failed to properly develop the paragraph by showing a clear paraphrasing of the prompt and the outline for the discussion. Your short, 2 sentence presentation does not effectively introduce the upcoming discussion. Next time, make sure to review the prompt requirements against your opening statement. Ensure that all of the required elements are represented properly and that the discussion outline is clear. By the way, you don't need to place a period between paragraphs. A simple line break using the enter key will be sufficient. You could lose points for misplaced punctuation marks. Just write the essay as you would normally write a paper for school.

Your line of reasoning is appropriate and informs the reader in a proper manner. There are definite problems with the grammar that has a definite effect on your grammar range score but the fact that the meaning somehow comes across clearly helps to improve your score in that section. However, your concluding statement is a different case.

A concluding statement just simply be a summation of the discussion. That said, your conclusion must represent the prompt discussion requirements, your reasons, and then your suggestions for how to solve the problem. It should also have a minimum of 3 sentences, like the opening statement. So your final paragraph was not able to help boost your essay in terms of the final score. I think you won't get higher than a 5 for this essay.

Scholarship / 6th NIDA summber camp 2017 on "Sustainable Community Development" In Thailand. [3]

Shamsher, it seems that you have mistaken the concept of the essay for a research paper. There was no need for you to define "Sustainable community development" because the reviewer already knows about that. You then preceded to explain the background of the term and the possible concept attached to it. While I admire you for wanting to explain these things to the reviewer, what you did or what you created was not a response to the prompt but a very well crafted explanatory essay. If the prompt is correct and you were supposed to write about the importance of sustainable community development, then you should have done a present and forward thinking essay regarding how this concept is being applied at present and how it can be applied in the future. By explaining the present and future applications, you would be able to properly explain the importance of sustainable community development to the evolution of human society and communities. My opinion is that you should draft a new essay. There is nothing in this current essay that you can use because, like I said, it is nothing more than an explanation of the term. What the reviewer needs from you is a personal definition and explanation of the concept rather than the textbook definition and discussion.

Writing Feedback / SOLUTIONS ON CLIMATE CHANGE [5]

Linh, the approach to this essay is one that requires you to pick only one side and discuss / defend it within the essay discussion you are presenting. Your opinion, in agreement or disagreement must be chosen and represented towards the end of the opening statement. The keyword "agree" or "disagree" with the statement provided needed to be clear by using the keyword. Since the discussion that you presented in the paraphrasing portion, also known as the first paragraph, did not accurately represent the side you are supporting via a simple statement such as "I agree with the statement to a certain degree for a number of reasons." or "I disagree with the statement based on a number of factors.", the rest of the essay was then affected and represented the discussion in an incorrect manner. The reason your discussion became incorrect, is because you ended up discussing the two sides of the matter, and then offering an unsupported opinion and dissent in the concluding part of the essay. These discussion movements are not within the required discussion presentation of your essay. The whole discussion then became faulty when compared to the original prompt. This resulted in a score of 3 for the overall essay. You have to understand, once you fail the task accuracy portion, it will be extremely difficult for you to increase your scores in the remaining criteria.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL IBT Independent Writing: Owning smart phones or not? Your point of view [3]

Hai, you misunderstood the prompt instructions and as such, delivered a related but inadequately presented essay discussion of the topic. This misrepresentation caused your score to fall to a 3. The explanation for this is simple, you were asked to discuss which point of view you believe is better. Instead, you discussed the harm and damage that cellphone use can cause children. What you should have done in the opening statement, was depict which point of view you supported and then explained why in the succeeding paragraphs. If you review your essay, you will find that you did not accomplish the task properly. For some reason though, your conclusion managed to get back on track in the proper discussion of the prompt requirements. The problem, is that the discussion did not belong in the conclusion and your earlier paragraphs already created the mistaken discussion that caused the low score.

Writing Feedback / People can be closer eachother. How Internet affect on our life? [6]

Phong, please provide the complete original prompt so that your essay can be accurately reviewed based on all the band criteria. Thank you.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Pros and cons of studying abroad [2]

Dang, supply the full prompt for this essay please as it cannot be accurately reviewed without it.

Letters / Canada Visit - Reply a friend's invitation. [2]

Dang, your letter should be better developed than this. All of your paragraphs are too short and do not really contain developed discussions. Since this is a letter replying to a friend's invitation, there should be more elements represented such as how you imagine what it would be like to sleep in tents, cooking at the campfire, and shopping. Clarify points such as what you plan to do upon arrival at your friend's house (prior to attending camp) such as shopping. Make some definite plans to further enjoy the visit before, during, and after camp. Keep an eye out for your grammar use as well. I am sure you meant to say "several" and not "sever". When you say other plans can be arranged later, make mention of what these possible plans might be. Overall, the letter is really mechanical in nature because of the obvious way that you delivered the prompt requirements. There is a lack of personal connection between you and the person you are addressing, which makes the letter less friendly and more professional in approach. Perhaps you can score a 5 with this essay but no more than that.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Passing high school competency exams, by subject and gender, from 2010 to 2011 [2]

Ani, when you write a chart summary essay, never use fractions to describe the measurements that are given in actual percentage figures in the chart. Writing a summary requires you to deliver accurate figures, based upon the given illustration. Therefore, the essay that you wrote does not fall within the proper format. It tends to deliver unconfirmed "estimates" because of the method of your data presentation. The accurate and acceptable presentation would be to deliver the actual percentages at all times. That removes the "guesstimate" that your essay currently has. There is no need for you to be citing "approximates" in the essay when the bar graphs have the percentage conversions indicated. Always use the provided data in the illustration. Do not make up the figures because that causes an inaccurate and improper essay. It does not properly inform the reader. I know that you were trying to show off your complex sentence abilities and you tried to develop a higher level of discussion. However, the information that you were provided prevents you from doing that. You could have done that in Task 2, but never in Task 1 because you are provided with ample information for your summary presentation. Due to the way that you developed the essay and the problems that it presented, I do not think that you can score higher than a 4 with this version for the reasons I previously mentioned.

Undergraduate / The Transition - 500 word college application essay [2]

Zade, the essay accurately responds to the second prompt requirement. It is highly informative and shows how your original home state helped to shape the person that you are today. However, that is not the only culture or environment that helped you to hone the person you have become. It would be better for your essay if you include a reference as to how your current town or city has helped you to continuously shape your personality and character. After all, you did not stop developing and growing when you left your original community. In my opinion, you should use the move to illustrate your response to both points being discussed in the 2 prompts. That is because the focus of the "bump" in the road, the "move" actually delivers a clear idea of the circumstances you had to face and how you dealt with it. The dealt with it part is what you should develop in the essay. By discussing your mother in the essay and her medical problem, you totally shifted the focus of the essay from yourself, to your mother. The essay became part about you and mostly about your mother. The only important character in this essay is you. So revise the part about your mother if you wish to make reference to her in the essay. Discuss instead how her illness affected you academically and personally. Then explain how you overcame that obstacle once she received proper treatment. Right now, your exposure in that discussion is a mere footnote in the overall discussion and that should not be.

Writing Feedback / "Pen and Paper Exams - IELTS exam task 2 [3]

Maya, as a discussion essay, I believe that this can garner you a score of about 6. That is because your overall discussion shows a clear understanding of the prompt requirements and the various discussions that surround the given topic. While the grammar is not perfect, it allows the reader to understand your message in a somewhat accurate manner. The examples provided are logical and helps to illustrate your grammar accuracy skills. However, there is a problem with your format. The opening statement is too short and the closing statement is just one long sentence. Both must be comprised of at least 3 sentences. So do not use comma's to separate your thoughts, use periods instead. So, even though you wrote 333 words, it did not help because you did not follow the formatting requirements that would have benefited from the increased word count. That said, you still did a pretty good job and could score a bit higher than just passing in this instance, all things considered.

Writing Feedback / Writing IELTS TASK 2 - Topic: Tourism - influence for visited places. [6]

Dat due to the fact that you were being asked to discuss the negative effects of tourism throughout the essay and you chose to discuss the positive effects of tourism, with barely a reference to the negative effects, you proved that you cannot score more than a 3 on this essay. There is a clear lack of understanding on your part when it came to the discussion requirements provided by the prompt.

Your essay discussed the positive effects of tourism throughout most of the essay, which was the exact opposite of the prompt instructions. You were expected to focus on the negative effects discussion. Therefore, even though you wrote almost 300 words, the length of the essay did not help you because you failed to properly paraphrase, outline, and discuss the subject you were provided.

The grammar development and presentation of the essay is also a problem since your opening statement did not provide the minimum sentence count, the second paragraph should have been divided into two paragraphs since two topics were being discussed in one paragraph, and your concluding statement did not properly represent the concluding requirements either. More importantly, when you tried to discuss the proper prompt requirement in the essay you accidentally said:

"What can tourist do to increase the disadvantage effects of tourism?"

When the correct question would have been:

"What can tourist do to decrease the disadvantageous effects of tourism?"

It does not make sense for one to wish to increase the disadvantages of tourism. Specially when the prompt focus is on how to reduce the harmful effects of tourism.

Writing Feedback / Railroads vs Road Budget - IETLS CAMBRIDGE 11 TASK 2 [5]

Khoa, you can actually score a 5 with this essay. The strongest part of your essay was your properly developed paraphrasing and opinion statement at the beginning. This good paragraph earned you a pretty decent score in the Task Accuracy portion of the test. It showed a clear understanding of the instructions and also added a unique outline touch by indicating that you will be discussing the reasons supporting your opinion. While the major discussion points had imperfect grammar, there was a clear sense of what you were trying to explain to your reader. However, there were times, such as in the second to the last paragraph when the essay lost focus and thought organization resulting in a lack of overall progression in the discussion. Try to discuss only one reason at a time and do not introduce new information within the same paragraph. A single presentation per paragraph always allows for the best discussion development as the focus of the reader is concentrated on one reason alone. This also allows you to better explain yourself and develop a stronger English presentation. The conclusion was problematic though because it fell short of the required paragraph number (3) and tried to present underdeveloped new ideas as additional discussion points instead of just concluding the essay by using the expected method of a discussion summation and concluding presentation. Anyway, you still did good work since you developed over 260 words for the essay. Way over the 250 minimum requirement. Remember though, each paragraph needs at least 3 sentences to qualify as an academic paragraph. You fell short of that requirement once in this essay.

Writing Feedback / There are several reasons why nuclear technology is really worthwhile for humans life [3]

Ahmad, I am afraid that although you wrote a little more than 250 words, the essay that you developed was so improperly discussed that you cannot get a passing score for this essay. The only possible score for this would be a 3 based on a number of reasons. Please take note of these observations and apply the suggested changes to your future practice tests.

First of all, there is a clear misunderstanding of the prompt requirement. The original prompt for this required you to take a stand either in agreement or disagreement with the point of view that "The benefits of nuclear technology far out-weight the disadvantages." Since you improperly represented the prompt paraphrasing, you immediately failed the task accuracy portion of the test. It should not be difficult to get a better score in the TA portion. All you have to do is write your paraphrased prompt and then immediately compare it with the original prompt. If your prompt does not follow the original format, then your paraphrasing is wrong.

The second problem with your essay is that you did not take a clear stand in agreement or disagreement with the prompt. This should have been represented in the paraphrased opening statement as a part of the discussion outline. You instead referred to research sources, which were not clearly identified as such in the essay. This caused another failure on your part in terms of task accuracy.

The third problem, is that your grammar range and accuracy is highly problematic. While it is possible to make sense out of what you have written, its presentation could use some improvement. The reader might decide to stop reading your work simply because of the grammatical errors that you have in the essay. Try to use simple sentences that depict a clean English sentence instead of trying to be complex and causing the reader undue stress.

Finally, your conclusion is too short. It has to be made longer, at least 3 sentences in order to properly wrap up the discussion by presenting an updated summary of the previous information presented. If you work on improving all of these points in your next essay, you should manage too show some improvement and perhaps, a slight increase in your score as well.

Scholarship / Benefit to Home Country Essay - The Impact of My Work [2]

Cardinal, you need to focus your essay on the country development plans being promoted by the SEDI. The development need that the organization is working on fixing is the problem that you should present in the essay simply because you are saying that you hope to work with them upon your return to your country. Therefore, the essay takes an immediate focus and becomes more interesting when you focus on the problem SEDI is related to. It also eliminates the need to mention other non-related government agencies in the later paragraph. By concentrating on the development need of Nigeria in relation to SEDI, your essay begins to make more sense in terms of discussing how you will apply your skills and how the country can benefit from your additional training, as well as how the success of your post study plans can be measured. The entire essay at the moment is a bit scattered in its presentation because of the existence of the first two paragraphs. If you revise those two portions, the essay should take on a more appropriate form.

Graduate / 'Exceptional learning program' SOP for MS in Cyber Security Program(MSIT) / CMU [5]

Rahul, the first 2 paragraphs of this essay are irrelevant to a masters degree statement of purpose. Those information are normally presented in a personal statement because that discusses the development of your interest in the field. The development of an interest is not the same as a development of a purpose in the field. The discussion that can make this purpose essay much stronger and more impressive would be if you can present a field in cyber security that you find challenging, hence your desire to study more about the field. So start off with paragraph 3 instead.

Your experience is admirable but your purpose is unclear. What field of cyber security do you want to master and why? Since you will be changing careers, you have to present a major reason why you believe that you have to transition to another field. BTW, Paragraph 5 does not tell me anything about your purpose for this study. This is general information that the reviewer is already familiar with, so without it properly connecting to something about your purpose for higher study, such as an interest in securing "The internet of things" in order to give people a sense of cyber privacy, that statement is useless. Also, kindly proof read the essay for grammatical errors. Remove the capital letters where it is not necessary.

Essays / I want to fill up this application form but I don't know, what should I write wisely? [2]

Rosem, in every life, there is a time when a person is faced with certain challenges that changes who he is as a person. This change comes for the learning experience that you encountered as you tried to deal with the situation. This is the kind of experience that the essay wants you to discuss. Some topics for discussion here include, but are not limited to, academic failure, sports difficulties, facing work challenges, or even, simply trying to get people of a different belief system to either agree with you or at least treat your opinion with respect. From all of these events, there is always a life lesson to be taken from it once you have resolved the challenge. It is the lesson that you learned that you should highlight in the essay.

So there are 3 things the essay has to represent. First, is the situation itself, second is how you overcame the difficulty, and finally, what you learned about yourself and how to handle such situations because of this experience. Do those 3 things in your essay and you will have accurately responded to the prompt.

Scholarship / CSS Essay (Save the lives of rural dwellers in Nigeria with off-grid solar electrification system) [3]

Ukashat, when the essay referred to development needs, it did not mean for you to concentrate the discussion on your community needs alone. The proper answer to that part of the prompt requirements was asking you to discuss the power situation in your country and the current government projects that exist to try and resolve the issue. It is this government project that should directly tie in with your interest in gaining this masters degree and also, create the professional path that you wish to undertake. Your response should relate with the government project.

One mistake often made in these essays is that the student often refers to outside sources as if he were writing a research paper. You have to remove that whole paragraph from this essay. It does not help to move the essay along since it is not a summary of your potential study plan or thesis statement while a masters student. The only presentation required for the second prompt is, "How do you plan to resolve the issue by way of your studies? What research will you do that will be applicable to the problem as per your government plan to resolve the issue of power shortage?"

Since you did not properly respond to prompt number 2, your response to question number 3 was automatically wrong as well. Note that the essay is asking you how you will apply what you have learned during your time as an MS student. It is not asking you what you expect to learn. So paragraph 4 is totally irrelevant to your essay. You summed up prompts 4 and 5 in your final paragraph. Unfortunately, you did not indicate how the success of your project can be measured by the scholarship so that the response you wrote became incomplete. Try to develop a separate response for the measurement portion.

Writing Feedback / Writing IELTS task 2 : Convenience Food and Preparation Time [2]

Frisilia, with this kind of sloppy sentence development and lack of focus on proper grammar presentation, your essay is going to be prevented from gaining a score higher than a 4. One of the main reasons that your essay cannot get a score higher than that is because you failed to use proper punctuation marks in your essay. The predominance of the comma use, when a period would have been more appropriate, created a wrong format for the essay. You created single, continuous sentences rather than thoughtful single sentences. The lack of periods in the paragraphs caused undue stress for the reader that the examiner will not be able to ignore. Then, there is the improper conclusion where you presented your opinion rather than a closing summary of the discussion. I do not know if your tutor has told you this but, in an academic discussion such as this, you are not allowed, to present a new idea in your conclusion because the opinion you have is expected to be presented in a stand alone paragraph prior to the conclusion. Violating this academic writing rule is one of the major reasons that your essay failed to get a passing grade.

Writing Feedback / High school graduate or experience which important to get job? [3]

Nisa, it is very unfortunate that the errors in this essay limits your score to a failing mark of 3 in the overall band. The problems with your essay starts with the way that you inaccurately paraphrased the prompt even as you managed to deliver a mechanical, and almost imitation presentation of the original prompt. It was difficult to read and failed to indicate a proper outline for the discussion that included a reference to your personal opinion as per the prompt instructions.

Throughout the second paragraph, you kept on referring to High School when, I believe that you meant to say college. There is a clear difference between the two as most employers prefer a college graduate over a high school graduate. Always keep a clear head when writing these essays and make sure that you refer back to the original prompt when you are done writing in order to confirm that you actually discussed the requirements properly. Speaking of which, there is a missing paragraph in the essay referring to your personal opinion. It is because of these mistakes that you could not possibly get a passing score for this essay.

Scholarship / 'networking between Indonesia and the Netherlands' Stuned Scholarship [4]

Yunfika, in the first paragraph, you need to make sure that you do not just fall back on your previous experience regarding climate change in Indonesia and how it affects the weather patterns in the country. That is something that happens worldwide due to Global Warming. Admitting that you do not know anything about the climate and how it affects the environment is not a good implication. What course did you study in college? Since part of your college experience relates to nature trekking, it can be assumed that you actually studied a course related somewhat to your interest in climate change and its effect on people. Indicate that course and how it has helped to increase your interest in this particular field. Aside from educating the people, what other interests do you have that can be supported by this masters degree study? For example, are you a nature conservationist by profession? If so, how does this course relate to that profession? You need to think of serious reasons to support your interest. The presentation you have right now is very light and almost meant for a college application instead of a masters degree. There is a lack of seriousness in your reasons for wanting to complete and MS in this field. By the way, I think you made a mistake in the title. I think you meant to say "Preserving", not "Preversing".

For prompt number 2, the only actual response that you developed in the second paragraph comes from sentences 3,4,and 5. Try to focus the paragraph on better developing those sentences by offering expanded discussions of how the classes and / or training experiences will help to assist you in Indonesia by relating it to your plans to help improve the environmental studies sector of your country. Be more specific by explaining one idea as to how you plan to use your studies to develop that sector of Indonesian development. Your sentences need to be better developed to explain your plans and how it relates directly to say, the Indonesian government environmental projects. Pick a project and explain how your study plans fit into it.

In the "suitable candidate" paragraph. Aside from focusing on your leadership skills and networking abilities, it would be to your benefit if you can offer some academic achievements and professional recognition that you may have recently or in the past. While your practical skills are good, it is not the only consideration for your admission. So present some academic credentials that will beef up your credentials some more.

Writing Feedback / Don't be a victim of interview bias [3]

Thien, the clarity of your opinion is lost due to the manner of your discussion. You failed to make the reader understand that the bias is on the interviewers part and not the interviewee. Though you mentioned some of the biases involved in the article, you weren't really able to explain how the bias affected the applicant and how it can be overcome. As an opinion paper, you need to present reasons why you believe this article is right or wrong. Instead, you just gave a general discussion of the article. An effective opinion essay would have indicated an opinion either in agreement or disagreement with the author and then defended that stance. There is no reflection of that in this paper. The main question your opinion should have discussed is, "Do you agree or disagree with the author and why? Use examples of reasons from the article to defend your stance. " That is the normal function of an opinion essay that should have been represented here. What you wrote is an ineffective overview of the article, with a semblance of an opinion instead.

Undergraduate / Defining Death - Write an essay on a significant challenge that you've overcome [2]

Tapi, here is the thing, the focus of the essay and the challenge has to be related directly to you. More than half of this essay deals with Nick, his illness, and subsequent death. There was no proper explanation as to why his death could have affected you that way, even though it is evident that you took it hard. This is not an experience that focuses on you because further explaining why you took Nick's death that way will even increase his exposure in the essay. While I understand how special this story is to you, this is not the essay that you should be presenting for this essay.

A proper essay for this topic has to be developed through an event that had a direct relation to you. So think of a failure, an incapacity, or a moment in time when you were prevented from achieving something you wanted to. A significant challenge has to be related to a drawback on your part, not related to the death of someone else. A significant challenge could be being rejected for a scholarship then eventually winning it, being rejected by your university of first choice then eventually getting in, learning to do something that you thought you never could.

Basically, the essay needs to prove character development along with intellectual maturity through an obstacle that needed to be overcome. This grief is not something that accurately depicts such a thing. It seems like the whole school mourned his death, but it is unclear why that is so. This creates the wrong presentation for the essay because Nick is cemented as the central character instead of you. So you can do one of two things, either refocus the essay to center more on you in terms of discussion or, write a different essay which has you and your "trial" or "challenge" that you overcame as the focal point of the essay.

Scholarship / University lecturer - KGSP future study plan working in KOICA for a few years [2]

Kike, do you remember the study plan that you wrote prior to this essay? Go back to the study plan and look at how you can try to implement those ideas into your work at KOICA. There is a sense of vagueness in your representation of the work you want to do at KOICA that does not make it seem like you have an actual career plan should you gain employment there. The post study plan should include references to how you can improve your practical training upon completion of your theoretical learning in the university. The best way to develop that is to relate your study plan with your work experience. That will create a better career timeline for your 2-3 years employment in Korea. Then, upon your return, focus the next 2 years on the development of your career as a lecturer. Rather than explaining that you want to become a university lecturer in the future, explain how your experience in Korea will help you gain entry into the academic world in Nigeria. Your plans for integrating Hangul or Korean language into the language learning in schools in your country is a good way to show the building of the relationship between the two countries. Don't mention any university that you want to work for at this point. It is only after you properly represent these professional plans that you can close the essay by mentioning your future plans of gaining a PhD, in relation to your work accomplishments as an MS graduate.

Letters / A letter for airline company about lost suitcase. [2]

Li, your letter lacks information for the reader. The description that you gave of your bag, along with your travel information should have been included with a reference to the information that you got from the customer care desk such as an estimated search time, name of the person you spoke to, any forms that you filled out and who the signatory on the forms were. That way, when you ask if anyone is looking into the incident, the reader will have somewhere to start looking for answers to your questions. Those documents are always filed along with the missing luggage report when you begin to look for your luggage at the airport. So it was wrong of you to ask about filling in the forms at the end of your letter.

The higher grade for this letter depends upon how you present the information in a non-mechanical and more personal way. One of the biggest drawbacks for your essay, that would have pulled back the score, would be the problematic spelling in your letter. You did not bother to proof read your work prior to submission so your grammar range and accuracy score will be severely affected. Your score can actually be increased to passing if you make sure to at least, spell the words correctly. Overall, I don't think you can score more than a 4 with this essay.

Scholarship / SOP for Exchange Program to Chungnam National University [3]

Eyahj, if you wish to create a proper statement of purpose, then find a more personal and academic reason for your interest in spending a semester abroad. Establish the reason why you have an interest in your field of study at the very beginning then end the first paragraph with an introduction to the reason why you believe that you need to have this semester abroad. Usually, this is best illustrated by your current academic experience and what you hope to learn from the Korean university in an effort to gain a well rounded educational experience.

The second paragraph, should indicate how this reason serves as a purpose for your application. Perhaps it has something to do with the internship program of the university that you can participate in for a semester, or the academic immersion that the university provides. It could be any number of reasons that serve to increase you academic training. The essay does not work because there is no clear purpose in it.

The rest of your essay doesn't work because of its irrelevance to a SOP discussion. Speaking of your experience in various academic activities and your interest in Korea should not be done in this essay. Those are presented in the personal statement. In this case, you should be able to explain how you will become a better student and future professional due to the semester abroad. Show a familiarity with the university programs in relation to your future plans and ideas for your professional career.

Writing Feedback / Celebrating Food - Traditional food will change by fast food ? [2]

Nisa, there are a large number of problems related to this particular essay. It has both good and bad points, positive and negative aspects. Therefore, I will not judge this essay on the overall merit of the essay but rather, in the scoring criteria. That way you will get a clearer idea as to which aspects of the essay you have to improve with your next tests.

Task Accuracy - 5 - You managed to properly address the prompt requirements in the first paragraph. While the grammar is problematic, it still allowed you to properly introduce the topic for discussion and your disagreement with it. This is the highest possible score for this part.

Coherence & Cohesiveness - 6 - while the information can be understood with some difficulty and the ideas are coherent, your use of cohesive devices proves to be problematic due to grammar issues in the essay. The sentences you wrote can definitely be considered to be faulty so your referencing is not always clear to the reader.

Lexical Resource - 4 - The vocabulary used is often faulty in spelling. The incorrect spelling often causes problems for the reader in terms of trying to understand what you are trying to say. If you were just careless this time around, make sure to take care and try to spell properly in your next practice test.

Grammar Range & Accuracy - 4 - There is a clear lack of ability to properly form even the simplest of English sentences. Improper sentence formation and grammar inaccuracies cover at least 50 percent of the paper which affects the presentation, punctuation, and comprehensibility of the overall essay.

The scores above are the ratings that I believe your score could get as the highest possible marks had this been an actual IELTS Task 2 test.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing the topic is about laws and society [3]

Michele, you misunderstood the prompt requirement. You were being asked to agree or disagree to a certain extent with the statement being provided. What you ended up discussing instead, was the purpose of law. The opening paragraph should have contained an appropriate paraphrasing of the prompt topic, as well as your position on the discussion reflecting either an extent of agreement or disagreement with the topic. Since you failed to paraphrase the prompt accurately, you automatically failed the task accuracy portion of the essay. It is this misunderstanding that led you to ultimately, discuss the wrong stance on the topic as well. This resulted in a score of 3, indicating a lack of comprehension of the topic instructions on your part.

Scholarship / Study in Korea - my dreams and goals in life. Self Introduction letter for KGSP [2]

Pretz, your letter of self introduction is highly inconsistent in responding to the KGSP self introduction letter requirements. Focus each of the paragraph requirements in a specific manner in the essay. Don't mix them up in different paragraphs as you have now. Segregate the personal side (course of life, view of life, hopes and wishes) from the educational side (college education only focusing on the college or university where you graduated from.), which is separate from the work experience (internship, current work, etc). The segregated discussions will create a more informative essay for you.

By the way, you need to develop your internship discussion and add your current work experience in order to make the professional experience more impressive. While the internship tells the reviewer that you are appropriately trained for the job, he also needs to know that you have applied the work in a professional manner, meaning as your source of income. That will be the basis of your preparation for a masters degree course.

You need to work harder on your motivations for applying to the program. Having socialized with Koreans, being familiar with their entertainment, and wanting to study in Korea is not enough. There has to be a clear understanding of the academic reasons as to why you believe that you will be more successful after having studied in Korea. Why do you think you will be a better professional after studying in Korea? Your personal reasons for studying in Korea makes your reason stand out and unique. So keep that part.

Undergraduate / Manager at youth travel org/ MATURING FROM THE IMMATURE/Extracuricular activity [2]

Sebastian, working as facility manager does not qualify as an extra curricular activity. An extra curricular activity is something that you do outside of school, excluding work. The extra curricular activities are things that you do for fun or learning outside of the academic or professional realm. Some of the activities that classify as an extra curricular activity (in relation to academics) are:

Topic-specific clubs such as math club, Student government, University societies, Debate, Drama, Sport, Fan clubs, Orchestra, Band, Choir, Art, Yearbook, and Tutoring.

Organizational memberships such as Model UN, Unicef Clubs, internships, and school journalism participation are accepted as extra curricular activities as well. The topic you chose to present, doesn't really qualify as an extra curricular activity because it sounds like you were paid to the job since you were "hired" to become the manager. These extra curricular activities are done without remuneration or salary, so in this instance, this is not an extra curricular activity but "employment" instead. I suggest that you use the list above to revise the essay in order to better reflect an extra curricular activity that you participated in and can accurately describe in your essay.

Undergraduate / PERFORMING ARTS- CAPP ACTIVITY [2]

Lara, did you write this as a college application essay? Or did you write this just in general as a form of practice? Your opening statement doesn't tell me what to expect in the body of the discussion. Always use the opening statement to establish the discussion points of the essay. Outline the topic of the essay, the purpose of the discussion, and what you hope to establish by discussing these points. Your work is pretty good, but I am lost as to the point of the work that you did. There is no point to your narrative. What am I supposed to feel, understand, or develop and opinion about through the message of your essay? Clarifying the points I indicated earlier will result in a strengthening of your presentation. I know this is about performing arts, but what is the point in relation to you?

Writing Feedback / Why do we use Smartphones? [3]

Raghad, I am not sure what the point of your essay is. The anecdote that you shared does not help to explain the point of the essay that you are writing. While your title is "Why Do We Use Smartphone?" There is no accurate representation of why people have to do the activities that you mentioned on the phone when they can do it on their laptop or PC as well. Your paragraphs are not developed enough to represent and actual explanation of the importance of using smartphones. Your line of reasoning must have been better defended using personal experience, opinions, or other explanatory / exemplification discussions. The reason your essay is weak is because it does not have a properly developed thesis statement representing it. The anecdote doesn't really stress the point of discussion and your actual discussions lack focus and deeper meaning in terms of delivering the supposed message of the essay. When you ask "Who use smartphone?" The next question should have been, "Why do they use a smartphone?" Since that is your given essay title, it should have been represented in the discussion paragraphs.

Writing Feedback / The children should be allowed to have smart phones along with maintaining some restrictions - TOEFL [2]

Rajeeb, you cannot discuss this essay by staying in the middle or taking the "up to a certain degree" point of view because the essay clearly asks you to pick a side and defend it. Due to your lack of choosing a side to discuss and support, you changed the whole message of the essay and misdirected the discussion of the prompt requirements. These errors show that you did not understand the instructions you were given and thus, resulted in a score of 2. The main reason, is that you did not properly discuss the point of the essay which is that children having a cellphone is important because it allows them to stay in touch. Instead, you chose to discuss "children should be allowed to have smart phones along with maintaining some restrictions.", which is nowhere near the prompt discussion requirements. If you had removed the "maintaining some restrictions" part, then the essay might have been more prompt responsive.

Writing Feedback / A Picnic I enjoyed; it was marvellous to leave the grey building of a city behind [2]

Ayreen, when you write a descriptive essay, the first thing you have to learn to do is accurately describe your surroundings. Tell the reader more about the way that the farm looked when you arrived. Take the reader into the place with you. Make your descriptions more vivid by engaging the five senses of the reader. For example you could have described the farm as:

I knew we were nearing the farm because the smell of the air was changing from the polluted, smog filled air of the city to the dewy, fresh scent that the morning dew on the roadside grass offered those who, like us, traveled with open windows in the car. The sound of clucking chickens and cows mooing seemed to get closer as we moved deeper into the tree lined rough road.

You also need to double check your grammar and sentence development. Note that you wrote most of this essay in lower case letters even after a period. The first letter of a word after a period is always capitalized to indicate a new sentence.

Speeches / Speech about the qualities of a good student [2]

Cynthia, what is the word requirement for your speech? You have not managed to properly develop your speech into an informative one because you did not go into greater detail per paragraph topic / discussion. These are not truly informative facts because you have not represented the reasons why you believe that these qualities will make a student a "good student". The speech does not effectively inform the listener. As such, it cannot be considered a good speech or even an actual speech. An actual speech is at least one page long. This is only a half a page long at the most. You need to write more in terms of explaining the qualities of a good student based upon the traits you mentioned. Why are these qualities that make for a good student? Why do you believe that if the student listens to and follows your advice, that he will become a good student? List some questions you want to respond to within your speech that you can work into the paragraph about the trait you are discussing. That will expand the essay and also, make it more informative for the listener.

Scholarship / A lifelong process which reflects my expectation from life in terms of getting a job and working [2]

Yober, when you already need a PhD for the rest of your career plans, you will have done that study sans the Chevening scholarship already. You will need to apply for a new PhD scholarship so Chevening is out of that. Unless you decide to apply for a Chevening Fellowship in the future. So bring your essay closer to the immediate future of 5 years.

Don't forget, you need to relate your career plans with the existing UK projects in your country. So you plan for your career should involve you working either for a Peruvian government agency that has ties with the UK government and its projects in your country or a private Peruvian firm that has UK based business partners. That way you reflect a career goal related to UK interests in your country. Your current essay has neglected to represent that important part of the prompt. Without that reference, your response will be considered incomplete and void.

Writing Feedback / Factors which have an influence on men and women [3]

To, the statement about the happiness factor that is exclusive to only men should be discussed as a separate statement. Remember only single or related topics can be discussed in the same paragraph. That difference represents the discussion of a main feature in the essay. It should have been fully discussed as a difference in the reasons or method by which men judge happiness differently from women. Please do not be careless in your writing. Once again you failed in the sentence format requirement. Do not ask me to explain or point it out to you. Learn to analyze and proofread your essay after you write it, prior to submission. These are format errors that are really easily avoided if you remain conscious of the format requirements and make sure to implement it properly. Your site for this essay will not be higher than a 4.

Writing Feedback / Household expenditure in Hong Kong and Britain - charts give the breakdown of the percentage [4]

You counted sentences only for the first two paragraphs. Review the third paragraph and you will see that you used come in place of periods. Therefore, you wrote only one extremely long and exhausting to read sentence. You need to be consistent with your work in order to continue improving your possible score. You are careless and did not proof read the essay before you submitted it. That is why you did not catch the obvious mistake in your work. Proof reading your essay is just as important as writing a strong presentation for the essay. You failed to do that in this instance. If you do not practice due diligence in writing your essay, you will constantly fail based upon technicalities and improper presentations. That is something I can't teach you.

Scholarship / "I've always been a book lover" KGSP Letter of Self-Introduction [6]

The research topic should not be mentioned in this self introduction because the Study plan essay deals specifically with your research activities as a student. You did not adequately develop your information as a trainer to qualify it as an actual work experience. What you want to qualify as reasons and motivations for studying in Korea are very weak and unimpressive. Like I said, review the other essays here if you want to truly improve your self introduction letter. The quality of information that you have provided do not adequately qualify you for the scholarship program. By the way, this is the last free advice you will get for this essay. There is a 2 free advice limit per essay thread. Should you wish to continue to have me edit and review your work, please click on our services link or list this essay as "Urgent" so that I can continue to work on the essay with you. If you click on the Services link and choose my name (Mary) from the list, you will have the opportunity to have me revise and edit your essay into a usable form instead.

Scholarship / "I've always been a book lover" KGSP Letter of Self-Introduction [6]

T-ara, your letter does not provide the require prompt information. This essay is not useful because it is a personal statement instead of a letter of self introduction. Please focus your revision on indicating how your life experiences have helped you to develop your point of view about life, and how these life challenges have actually helped to develop your hopes and wishes in life. Revise the whole essay. Do not include the information about the ISBD format. Do not use the term "High education" if you mean college education because "High education" could mean a high school education,which means you do not have a college degree, which would then disqualify you from the scholarship program.

Discuss your college education instead of your high school education. Mention what course you studied and your academic achievements in order to create a proper educational background. There is now representation of your current work experience. You will need to develop a paragraph that discusses your current work experience and how that relates to your desire to study in Korea.

There are no actual motivations provided for your desire and reasons for you to pursue your studies in Korea. You must review the already completed KGSP Letter of Introduction essays at this forum and use those as your example in developing your revised essay. This current essay cannot be used for your application. It is incomplete and not applicable in terms of content.