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Posts by tiaDS
Name: Mba Tia
Joined: Jan 15, 2014		 Last Post: Sep 30, 2016
Threads: 73
Posts: 222  
From: Indonesia

Displayed posts: 295 / page 5 of 8
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tiaDS   
Apr 29, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Animals should not be exploited by people [6]

As we know, some animals have high energy than human.

Introduction is the crucial part to attrack reader attention. Perhaps you can rewrite this sentence and follow pahan's suggestion to make your introduction impressive. Eva, read more study sample to get many vocabularies and patterns.
tiaDS   
Apr 29, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Proposed sites for a new hypermarket in the city of Pellington. [5]

A key point in the writing task 1 is the differences and similarities. Personally, i prefer to explain the detail differences in the first body paragraph and in the second body paragraph i will discuss about similarities and interestingly, the approach is;

1. Introduction ; general information
2. Overview ; main trend
3. Body paragraph 1 ; detail information of differences
4. Body paragraph 2; detail information of similarity and interestingly

To summary, location in site A and site C are more well to build new hypermarket than in site B.

In conclusion, site A is the strategic area to establish a new hypermarket where is located between residential and industrial areas, and is connected with railway.
tiaDS   
Apr 29, 2014
Writing Feedback / Unemployment rates in US and Japan from March 1993 to March 1999 [6]

The graph shows unemployment rates in US and Japan from March 1993 to March 1999. The data used percentage of work. Standard value from 2.5 to 7.0.
The graph shows two different lines. First line illustrates unemployment rates in US and second line shows unemployment rates in Japan.

is that your introduction? if it is your introduction i think too long and quite confusing.

Introduction
The graph illustrates idleness rates in US and Japan during a particular period of time over ranging March 1993 to March 1999.
tiaDS   
Apr 29, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 : Changes of mode transportation using in UK [5]

Hello SHanafi,

Perhaps we can divide the means of transport to be two categories;
1. private transport (bicycle, car)
2. public transport (local bus, long distance bus, train, taxi)
however, walking and other become the other choice.

A key point in IELTS task 1 is how we can analyze the differences and the sameness of two distinct subjects and we have to adopt the comparison and contrast pharagraph in essay.
tiaDS   
Apr 29, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Hydroelectric dam and turbine [5]

The diagram illustrates the process of hydroelectric dam. Hydroelectric dam was used for power electricity. Electricity is very important things for human life.

The picture depicts the hydroelectric dam process which is used for electricity.

Grammar issue

To take advantage of turbine in the river to produce the power for electricity.

it's bad structure in the sentence because it only consists of to-infinitive clause.

Function of intake for taken water from reservoir into penstock.

where's your verb?

While turbine spins in high spin, the generator catches the power of turbine.

hydroelectric dam takes advantage from turbine. The river gives contribution for hydroelectric dam to get the electricity.

I suggest you to read grammar book
tiaDS   
Apr 28, 2014
Writing Feedback / Learn more about another country by watching tv programmes and films about it [3]

Personally, i like this essay because you address all parts of the task.
for improving your writing skill, this is an approach from dumi (our moderator) to build the good introduction;
1. Hook - An interesting statement to catch the reader's attention
2. Background - Give the context to the reader
2.1. Definition of the question
2.2. Importance of the question (why it is important to discuss this argument)
3. Thesis statement - Express your view
tiaDS   
Apr 28, 2014
Writing Feedback / IETLS task 2: Is it necessary to restict Long working hours in workplace? [9]

Hello pahan,
This is the spesification of task response band 8 based on writing task 2 band description.
1. sufficiently addresses all parts of the task
2. presents a well-developed response to the question with relevant, extended and supported ideas.

in my view, i have to admit that your writing is quite good, but there is only partially "agree". I worry that you will lose your score. If i can give a suggestion, you have to make balance between agree and disagree. You can explain the disagree statements in the first body paragraph and you can give your own view "agree" in the second body paragraph. It's only my personal view, sorry if i get wrong in my advice.
tiaDS   
Apr 28, 2014
Writing Feedback / The number of television sales annually from 1996 to 1999 [4]

among in 1996 and 1999.

between 1996 and 1999.

an increase significantly

wrong
noun phrase ; a significant increase
or
significantly (adv) increase (verb)

Overall,

A more detailed look at the bar chart reveals that ....
Overall is an indication of Overview which contains the main trend.

The given bar graph illustrates television sales which happened from 1996 to 1999 based on the number of sales annually.

it seems the introduction but you put it as a conclusion

personally, i'm quite confuse with your approach.
tiaDS   
Apr 28, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS:The stages and equipment used in the cement-making process [6]

Hello eva,
Well, let's discuss about writing task 1 which explains about process. Do you remember about type of paragraph, eva? there are 5 types of paragraphs. In this case, the prompt is about processing, so you have to implement squence paragraph. Squence paragraph divided up into two types. There are process and time, so the appropiate is squence-process paragraph for composing your writing.
tiaDS   
Apr 28, 2014
Writing Feedback / ielts - Every year several languages die cut; Language as pride of every nation [13]

Every year several languages die cut.some people think that this is not important because life will be easier if there were fewer languages in the world :

It will be good if you attach the full prompt.

Your writing needs more work to read because you didn't leave a space when you open a new paragraph. Without space between a new paragraph will lose your score. I suggest you to write "writing IELTS Task 2 band description".
tiaDS   
Apr 28, 2014
Writing Feedback / Water cycles - process showing how water evaporates, condenses and precipitates [7]

Hello ira,

It is IELTS Task 1...! wrong title

The diagram explains the water cycles.

It's quite simple introduction and i believe this introduction cannot catch reader attention. Please rewrite.

As long as i am looking at your writing task 1, me and eddies always give suggestion how to compose the paragraphs in writing task 1 but you didn't pay attention with our comments. I suggest you to read "IELTS TASK 1 Writing band descriptors (public version)"
tiaDS   
Apr 28, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 : TRIP TO WORK IN HOUSTON, TEXAS [3]

This can be categorized as "shopping list", showing immature writing.

I totally agree with eddies.

Arya, there are 5 types of paragraphs which are usually used by writer.
1. Listing
2. Squence
2.1 Time
2.2 Process
3. Comparison and contrast
4. Problem and solution
5. Cause and effect.

Most of IELTS students usually are using listing paragraph in writing task 1. Whereas, we should implement the comparison and contrast paragraph in our writing to inform the detail information.
tiaDS   
Apr 28, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK II : Inventors are not as important to society as doctors ? [4]

Hello Arya,
It's one of the new prompt in IELTS writing task 2. The question has an emphasis only on "extent do you agree." So, It has different method with agree-disagree. In the first body, you explain the other side of agree statement and i think that it's wrong. In this case, you should focus on explaination of agree statement. Perhaps you can rewrite this essay. Good luck...!

Inventors are not as important to society as doctors. To what extent do you agree with this statement?

tiaDS   
Apr 28, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Graph of the winter heating costs from 2003 to 2011 [4]

Listing paragraph. I suggest you to make this paragraph with comparation and contrast. The second suggestion is that you should divide the detail information into two body paragraphs with the same proportion of sentence.
tiaDS   
Apr 28, 2014
Writing Feedback / Should children be reeducated with severe methods? [8]

"In some cultures, children are expected to follow very strict rules of behaviour. In other cultures, children are allowed to do almost anything they want.What are the merits of each opinion?What is your position on the matter?Include relevant examples in your response ".

there are three questions in your prompt and those questions have to restatement in the introduction.

A healthful comportament in childhood depends in many cases on religious and cultural matters. Consequently, the sense of politeness and mischivious manners differ between nations. While in South Eastern countries stricter approaches to educate children are preferred, in Western countries is more common to utilitsate kindful methods. In this essay I will set forth the benefits that these two educational approaches ential in a child's upbringing life.

A healthful comportament in childhood depends in many cases on religious and cultural matters. >> Hook
While in South Eastern countries stricter approaches to educate children are preferred, in Western countries is more common to utilitsate kindful methods. >> Background

In this essay I will set forth the benefits that these two educational approaches ential in a child's upbringing life. >> thesis statemen personally i like your introduction, but remember you should paraphrase the prompt well.
tiaDS   
Apr 28, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Subway system in London, Paris, Tokio, Washington, Kyoto and Los Angeles [4]

London subway system coming first construction in 1863 revealed the length of 394 km and carried 775 passengers.

The construction of London's subway system was coming first in 1863 which revealed the length with 394 km and carried 775 passengers.

For avoiding lexical resources "delivered"

By comparison with Los Angeles' railway being inaugurated in 2001, lengthening 11 km and delivered 50 passengers in their route, such system nearly sixteen-fold increase in full load of passengers.

Coming second constructed in 1900, subterranean in Paris delivered 1191 passenger.

1191 passengers occupied the subterranean in Paris

Grammar Issue

There was a slight number in comparison with Tokyo's system gaining 1927 commuter involve(involved / involves) in their system.

tiaDS   
Apr 28, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Children are working for money, therefore they learn the value of money [4]

1. Not separating paragraphs. Your score will immediatey drop if you do not separate paragraphs clearly. My advice: leave a full line between paragraphs.

It's true what mr. eddies said and your writing needs more work to read because make reader confuse.

For me writing task 2 is more complicated than writing task 1. We have to know types of paragraphs which are 5 types;
1. Listing
2. Squence
2.1 Time
2.2 Process
3. Cause and Effect
4. Problem and Solution
5. Comparison and contrast.

In the body paragraph we have to implement those types or at least 2 types, because reader will be bored to read if we only use a type.
tiaDS   
Apr 28, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: CHALLENGE - some people are attracted to dangerous sports/ activities [5]

Some people interesting to do something new that different from before, as well as in the sport or other activities. In other side, people scared. But, some people still want to do dangerous sport or dangerous activities with several reasons.

My teacher said that introduction is a part to catch reader attention. So, making the good introduction is must. Commonly, introduction contains the general information of the case in the prompt. There are many ways to make the introduction;

1. Following dumi's pattern for introduction
2. Paraphrasing the prompt to be two sentences, (ielts-simon)
tiaDS   
Apr 28, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Greenhouse gases trap energy from the sun [9]

Hello ipinupin,

As mr. eddie said about the sake of this writing

The aim of this task is to examine your English skills describing the main objectives of the data regarding the visual writing.

so, you have to give the information based on the prompt. As long as i read your writing you did not present the clear information. Moreover, if you have overview you can omit the conclusion, but you should divide your body paragraph to be two parts.
tiaDS   
Apr 27, 2014
Writing Feedback / Germany and France electricity generation 2009 [7]

The pies The pie charts show Germany and France electricity generation 2009.

comparison and contrast is used to inform the writing report. So, i suggest you to make comparison and contrast in your writing. Moreover, you should write 150 words in writing task 1 and pay attention with the grammar issue. Keep writing and don't give up.
tiaDS   
Apr 27, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: electricity generated in Germany and France in the year 2009 [6]

The pie shows the electricity generated from several source in Germany and France in the year 2009.

The pie charts show

there are 5 types of paragraph
1. Listing > your writing is following this type .
2. Sequence
2.1. Time
2.2. Process
3. Cause and effect
4. Comparison and contrast
5. Problem and solution

comparison and contrast is used to inform the writing report. So, i suggest you to make comparison and contrast in your writing.
tiaDS   
Apr 27, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: production of electricity in Germany and France from all sources [7]

Hello ira...
did you know the common patterns of ielts task 2;
the first pattern;
1. Intorduction
2. Overview
3. Body 1
4. Body 2

the second pattern;
1. Introduction
2. Body 1
3. Body 2
4. Conclusion

there are 5 types of paragraph
1. Listing
2. Sequence
2.1. Time
2.2. Process
3. Cause and effect
4. Comparison and contrast
5. Problem and solution

For writing task 1, comparison and contrast is used to inform the writing report. So, i suggest you to make comparison and contrast in your writing because your writing tends to follow listing paragraph.
tiaDS   
Apr 27, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1: How greenhouse gases [3]

The diagram gives information how greenhouse gases trap energy from the Sun.

The picture depicts how the greenhouse gases are produced by the sun

many people are establishing build especially company

i think this sentence quite confusing.
Many people are producing carbon dioxide from burning fossile fuels in daily activity. Moreover, companies are the biggest sector which play a crucial problem as greenhouse creator.

according to oxford thesaurus:
establish : to start or create something, such as an organization or system.
build : to make something, especially a building, by putting parts together.
tiaDS   
Apr 27, 2014
Writing Feedback / IES: the state pay all students tuition fees, or students should pay themselves? [7]

you should attach the full prompt because as long as i know that ielts has many kinds of prompts and every prompt has to difine with spesific answer. There are agree-disagree, advantages-disadvantages and so on.

i think to be good writer we have to pay attention with all aspects such articles (a, an, the)

People have the different views about

tiaDS   
Apr 27, 2014
Writing Feedback / radio and television audiences throughout the day in 1992. [8]

Firstly,

Secondly,

Perhaps you can replace with;
- Turning to the data...
- Moving onto...
- A more detailed look at the bar chart informs that...

Generally, there are explained how percentage of UK population like radio and television from October- December 1992.

To sum up, some people was more interested watching television than radio at 18.00 o'clock - 21.00 o'clock that undergone to fall sharply at the time.

If you have overview you can omit the conclusion.
tiaDS   
Apr 27, 2014
Writing Feedback / Ielts: complaint letter - dissatisfaction with the T-shirt [4]

In my view, your writing is pretty good

Last Friday, I bought a T-shirt from your shop and the poor quality of this shirt makes me very disappointed.

1. Say what happened

First of all, the length of two sleeves is different, which makes me impossible to wear. In addition to this, the colour of the shirt does not match the sample that I have decided in your shop.
I have already discussed these problems with one of staff - Mr. Robert in your store by phone. But he was very rude and told me he can do nothing about it, as it was purchase at a reduced price.

2. Explain the problems

Unless you replace the door T-shirt, I will be forced to take a legal action.
Your earliest response would be highly appreciated

3. Say what you would like them to do

In my oppinion, it will be good if you give an advice for them what should they do to overcome a complaint.
tiaDS   
Mar 31, 2014
Writing Feedback / If I am to travel 40 miles distance, I would choose the train [6]

If I have 40 miles (64 kilometer) away from my house, I will take transportation to travel my activities in outside the house .

Many kinds of transportation such as a car, bicycle and train.

you don't have a verb

In other side, some people choose a car to travel, they believe that a car is effective transportation because they can stop wherever they want and they can get privacy when they go with their family, business partner and girl or boy friend.

too long sentence. try to rewrite this sentence.

However, I think that using a car that is not the simple way because we have to buy gasoline, pay tax and pay the car insurance.

Train is cheap, I mast not have to buy gasoline, pay the tax and pay the insurance.

follow the suggestion from mr. eddies.

Keep writing and pouring your idea in your essay.
tiaDS   
Mar 31, 2014
Letters / IELTS test: newspaper letter - "best neighbor in the area" competition. [8]

I got to know Mr. Robert a few years ago, while I was studying in a computer-related class, in which he was my tutor.

Whilesubject + verb, (comma)subject + verb.
Subject + verb,(comma)whilesubject + verb.

His excellent performances on several occasions such as team work and English skills took me by great surprise.

And is used as a connector with balance grammar which is used.
eg; I am reading and writing. | I work and study.

Secondly, never had I met a young tutor speaking English so fluently and accurately.

I have never met a young speaking english tutor which has good fluency and accuracy.
tiaDS   
Mar 27, 2014
Writing Feedback / Spending money on six consumer goods in Europe between 1980 -1990. 'British spent more' [5]

It is clear that British peopleBritons spent significantly more money than
people in other three countries on all six items.

In my opinion, if the chart doesn't mention the year, you have to use simple present.

lexical resource

British people spent

the most money spent

British people spent

German spenders spent

They spent

France spent

more than 6 times

I just wanna share what i know in the task 1, Pattern task 1:
1. Introductory
2. Overall
3. Body 1
4. Body 2

or

1. Introductory
2. Body 1
3. Body 2
4. Conclusion
tiaDS   
Mar 27, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS-GT: Women in Navy or Air Forces - should not be allowed; instead: career, children [5]

Could you please review my essay from all perspective including task response, lexical resources, grammar etc.

As long as i know that IELTS has many kinds of prompts; advantages-disadvantages, agree-disagree, extend do you agree or disagree, or give your own opinion. So, i cannot mention your task response if there is no the prompt completely.
tiaDS   
Mar 27, 2014
Writing Feedback / food from restaurants or from home - it doesn't matter; food just must have good nutrition [6]

As we know, many food stands or restaurants in our country. It is because habitually of society that likes fast food. They do not want to busy. ButHowever , other people prefer to preferserve/prepare and eat food at home. In the following paragraphs, I will give reasons about my statement.

To begin with fresher, when people eat food at home. It is better than people eat at food stands or restaurants.

Some people realise that prepare food at home it will be better than eat at the restaurants.

Some people prefer to eat at food stands or restaurants. Other people prefer to prepare and eat food at home. Which do you prefer? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

your prompt
As long as i read your prompt. there is talking about people who prefer to eat at home and others prefer to eat at restaurant, but in your essay you too much mention about yourself. I think that you have to explain more examples about people's habits which relate with your case.
tiaDS   
Mar 27, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: The same money for sport activities or libraries? They assemble money from learner [7]

As we know, University is build and place that it gives benefit for many students because it gives knowledge about lessons for us.

your sentence is quite confusing
University is built as a place to give much knowledge which is knowledgeable for students.

I totally disagree about this statement. However , if I look from other side, I agree about this. Therefore , I will accord several reasons about that.

Too much linked, i worry it will be overusing.

I tend to disagree about this statement, while there are some reasons to agree.
tiaDS   
Mar 26, 2014
Writing Feedback / some high school leavers choose to work/travel; a matter of personal preference [3]

In some countries, some high school leavers are choosing to work or travel for a period of time before going to the university.

first sentence of prompt

Nowadays, the habit of some high school graduates are changing. an increasing number of students Some students tend determine to seek a job or , while others take a trip for a period of time after graduation from the senior high school.

the prompt isn't mention about increasing a number of students.

Discuss the advantages and disadvantages for those school leavers' decision.

second sentence of prompt

Yet, there remain some arguments as to whether the overall effects of this trend has been positive or negative.

There are positive and negative impacts of this phenomenon.

Give your own opinion and reasons using your own experience.

third sentence of prompt

While However, there are certainly valid arguments to the contrary. I personally believe that this movement has both sides of good and bad effects and need to be considered more deeply .

You attempted to paraphrase the prompt, but some words don't have appropriate meaning same as the prompt. You can follow dumi's suggestion to make good introduction. As a reader, when i read your introduction i can guess that you will explain positive and negative impacts in your body paragraphs. Basically, i like your essay because you use linked to keep coherence among sentence. I have pattern to compose body paragraph perhaps you can adopt this pattern in your essay.
tiaDS   
Feb 28, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : The IELTS Score In Four Different Countries [3]

The table indicates what the differences of the average score of students are in the IELTS general test in four modules which gained in four various countries around the world in 2010.

The average score of reading section in the all countries was just under 6.5 and only Malaysian who got the highest score of reading with 6.4. The average score for speaking section in the all countries was just over 6.6 and the lowest score in speaking held on French and Malay, while the highest score in speaking was achieved by German with 6.9. The overall score IELTS which is held by German is the highest with 6.7 and French was the second position with 6.5.

More deeply can be seen that Indonesia and Malay obtained in lower overall score in IELTS than two countries in Europe. Moreover, German had the highest score with 6.8 and the lowest score in listening was Malasia with 6.2. Moreover, France and Indonesia maintained the middle position about 6.3. However, German took place as the highest score with 6.9 and the lowest score of writing was 6.0 which was occupied by Malay.

In conclusion, German had the highest of average requirement score in IELTS. Four countries got more than 6.3 score IELTS, so it was an evident that English language has learnt by all people in the Europe and Asia.



  • overall_ielts.png
tiaDS   
Feb 28, 2014
Writing Feedback / Raise of awarness; Younger are much more aware about issues like environment [6]

Question

Introduction

If I compare your question with your introduction, I think that it is out of topic. You should make introduction as a general information.

Nowadays, the environment poverty and animal welfare is becoming issues which is discussed with people around the world. As such, more interestingly cases for some people than other subject such previous generations. In this essay, I am going to give some own opinion.
tiaDS   
Feb 28, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Wealthy nations among poorer nations; 'level of export' [5]

Should wealthy nations be required to share their wealth among poorer nations by providing such things as food and education? Or is it the responsibility of the governments of poorer nations to look after their citizens themselves? Discuss.

Economic growth of a country determines the wealthy level of its citizen.

>> Hook

A country which has a high level of export compared to its import tends to have a better economic condition.

>> Background

In this context, to keep the level of export, the country needs to maintain a good relationship with other countries. Therefore, the related country does some actions, includes giving some helps for other countries' education. There is nothing wrong with this action as long as it can be beneficial for both sides.

>> paraphrase of Should wealthy nations be required to share their wealth among poorer nations by providing such things as food and education?

However, it should be highlighted that this kind of help is something that the country cannot rely on. If the country keeps on relying on this kind of help, there will be some mess happened whenever the help is no longer given.

>> paraphrase of Or is it the responsibility of the governments of poorer nations to look after their citizens themselves?

Therefore, there should be awareness for the country itself, especially the government, to improve its economic condition by doing some pro active actions. There are some reasons that support this argument.

Discussion

I really like with your essay and i attempt to learn about your introduction pattern. I try to identify sentence-by-sentence. Above is the detail identification of your pattern. Thanks Mr. Eddy.
tiaDS   
Feb 27, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Hours of leisure time per year in Someland [5]

25 hours are used by 40s and 50s age group to visit in cinema, whereas the 60s and the over 70s did not do a group exercise. This entire sentence should be written in the present tense because it discusses no a limited time.

Thanks for your advice eddies. well, I have re-write this sentence.

25 hours are used by 40s and 50s age group to visit in cinema, whereas a group exercise is not done with the 60s and the over 70s age group.
tiaDS   
Feb 27, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Hours of leisure time per year in Someland [5]

You should spend about 20 minutes on this task. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information in the table below. You should write at least 150 words.

================================================================= ======================================

The table gives the information how people in the different age groups spend their free time per year in Someland. There are seven age group categories which involve in this survey.

Teenagers in Someland spend 1,200 hours a year watching television and elder people in the over 70s group are spending time to watch television 1,100 hours a year which is less 100 hours a year than teenagers. Moreover, the 20s and 60s groups are watching television approximately 700 hours a year and the 50s and 40s groups expends time for watching television from 600 to 500 hours a year. However, the 30s group has the lowest amount to watch television a year.

Teenagers are using 100 hours, while age group 20s uses 75 hours for going to Cinema. For the 30s group is expending time to socializing with 4 or more people and to go cinema in the same amount of hours with 50 hours a year. 25 hours are used by 40s and 50s age group to visit in cinema, whereas the 60s and the over 70s did not do a group exercise.

Interestingly, the 30s age group spends the highest time in socializing with 4 or more people and individual sport activity. Watching television is the favourite activity in the leisure time for all of people.

Overall, all of people use their leisure time for watching television and going to cinema is the rarely activity which do in the free time.



  • table_leisure_time.p.png

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