Writing Feedback / Once people could breath in a fresh air, their life was greater than todays convenience life. [3]

Hello Stacy, I have marked some points. Here are they;
Para 1:
the common benefit that we found on today's life
immense benefits that people enjoy from today's life
as technology and transportation have bring ease to human life.
as current technologies and transport services bring astonishing ease for human life
others argue that todays life is worse than the past since those transportation produce much pollution and then bring unhealthy life to humans
others argue that today's life is getting worse since such science inventions emit much pollution and make people lazier and less capable of doing things in both a physical and mental capacity.

Para 2:
I see that this paragraph goes nowhere. To solve this, the phrases technology and transport could be merged into one term, so as that you are more easily to discuss them into one issue. Let's say: the latest inventions . The second sentence contains bad grammar, which is two main sentences running together. I suggest putting a linking word, or full-stop.

Para 3:
Likewise, your example did not form a line with the topic sentence. I do not even know what the purpose of taking about the past here. It could be nice if you explain the means of transport more details. What aircraft and all-terrain vehicles produce air and noise pollution can be an interesting topic to attract readers' attention.

Overall, you write well and have good points to answer the prompt given. All you have to do is to pay particular attention to sentence-to-sentence agreement and slight grammar points.

Thanks,
eddy suaib.

Writing Feedback / Alternative methods of the world exploring [3]


You intro is too complicated and tends to drift away. Let me give a try;


How true is this statement? Is there anything you can learn about another country by visiting it that you can learn by watching televisions programmes and films about it?

TV and films as the best form of home entertainment these days open up the world. Such entertainment enables people to know more about some hemisphere world within their own home without having to venture out at all. While I agree with this view since I could learn about different people and places, I would also claim that actual travel provides a sense of adventure.

Thanks,
eddy suaib

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK: Continue further education, or work? [3]


This is not a 2-view essay. Closer look at the prompt


Your task is to discuss how much you agree with the issue. You are normally given ONE opinion, and then asked specifically if you agree or disagree with it. Here, a central claim is needed.This can be total agreement, disagreement or partly agreement. The following task is to give your reasons why.

Thanks,
eddy suaib

Writing Feedback / Advertising is known as the predominant factor which influence the high sales of popular stuff [3]

The intro seems complicated, as it constructs bulky sentences. You should get straight to the point and tell what is going on. Let's give a try:

Advertising can be found everywhere. This attracts people to purchase unnecessary products showed in TV commercials. While the power of advertising is astonished, I believe that decision-making process will be passed on to consumers.

Thanks,
eddy suaib

Writing Feedback / You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. Write at least 250 words. Write about the following [3]


This needs a slight improvement on the flow of the sentence. Here do I show you how to write with a brief intro.
Past lives affect present circumstances. However, there is no evidence that life in the past was even better than today's life. What used to work before might not be working right now. This happens since modern technology simplifies life in so many ways. Therefore, I would argue that people today live with modern technology which increases human capabilities.

Thanks,
eddy suaib

Writing Feedback / With regard to the average of living cost in two different cities [3]


This sentence is too bulky. For the sake of simplicity, I strongly suggest breaking it. You could also merge the lists of living cost in between Riverdale and Cape Alicia. Let's give a try: Housing listed as public spending in Riverdale ranks the highest proportion of all. The percentage of this is about nineteen per cent, while the housing rate fell by -12.5 percentage points in Cape Alicia

Thanks,
eddy suaib

Writing Feedback / The Influences of High sales to the advertisement and people attracting (IELTS Task 2) [2]

First of all, I would say that a prompt in IELTS plays an important role in leading readers' understanding. For this, it is always good to write your prompt completely every time you post your essay here.

This para 1 is good. However, a slight improvement is needed.


What are you trying to say here? For sure, I cannot even catch the point here. Is it the sentence: Advertising campaign could sales figures of goods.


There is a fundamental flaw in this sentence. Some goods could be purchased, while others are not since they do not provide all the necessary values that people need


Here, you should give a clear claim why you say so, in order to make raise a solid thesis statement.

Thanks,
eddy suaib.

Writing Feedback / How might the advantages of studying in another country outweigh the disadvantages? [3]

I think you cannot even write "However' in the first paragraph, since there is no contrast opinion. With this paragraph, the thesis statement is too vague, since you do not raise a strong claim on what to do in the following body paragraph.


What do you want to say here? Your point after a concluding signal is zero thought. Also, the personal statement drifted away.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1: Causes of Worldwide land degradation (Pie Chart and Table) [2]

your report is good, but you fail to classify the data in a paragraph.
Rewrite your report right now with the following steps;
Para 1: Merge you intro with an overview written Noun Clause. Let's say: What stands out from the two graphs reveals that ...
Para 2: Start comparing the major cause, overgrazing, in the pie chart with the table.
Para 3: Deforestation as the second major cause is to be compared in between the pie chart and the percentage of land degraded in region.
Para 4: 28% of over-cultivation worldwide land should be clearly explained with how this affects the region land.

Writing Feedback / The number of kilometers of route and passengers per year of railway system in six different cities [2]

Given is the table is a good phrase to show that you have a full grasp of grammar. However, you should know that the main point of IELTS report is to mantain the flow of these sentences. Likewise, I suggest avoiding the inverted sentence because not all examiners enjoy reading the style.

In your overview, it is always to use a comma in between overall and it can be seen... Also, I suggest using Noun Clause, such as "What stands out from the graphs reveals that... "as here is the right place to use it.

After I read your report, then I realize that you need to rework for the tense use. Pay attention to time duration.

Thanks.

Writing Feedback / Source of information choice - Learning by Watching or Learning by Visiting? [2]

Here are some points;
Television programmes and films are the greatest source of information for people (I like the way you start the intro) . As such, some people admit (Argue/ Believe/ Claim/ Think is the common word for this. I am not sure for the one you wrote) that by watching television programmes and movies, they can obtain more information about other countries without travelling to these countries since news broadcasting and films provide much knowledge about what happenS in other regions. However, I would argue that cultures and beliefs are something that people cannot learn from watching films and television programmes ( a comma here) but from visiting the countries.

Television helps people in learninglearn so much things (Try not to use this word since it is too vague) from other countries. As such, the supporters of this trend claim that they have gathered much knowledge ( It seems that you really favour this word. What about "impressive grasp of the issue" ) about other countries from television programmes and films. Firstly, they get knowledge about international news since news broadcastingmedia offers so much information about what happenis going on in other countries such as their politics, their economics and their social life. The second is, ( no comma here) people learn history of other countries by watching historical films which are mad e based on true story. In addition, by listening to reporter and seeing pictures and subtittles ( This sounds repetitive. Why do't you try another point so as to prevent being redudancy? , people start learning other languages unpurposely.unintentionally

However, not all knowledge can be learnt by watching TV programmes and films ( As I know, you need to write an inverted sentence if you start writing with a negative statement, such not all) . Cultures and beliefs are something ( what is it? Define it clearly) that people can understand only by visiting other countries. For example, learning about Songkran Celebration in Thailand. ( Write this in a full sentence)By watching people will only know that this festival belongs to Budhist people and it is a reflection of purifying, but by visiting and joining this celebration people will understand more about the spirit of Budhist societies ( Well, this sentence is too bulky. As a result, you cannot even create a good sentence. I suggest breaking this into two sentences. A simple and short sentence is always good to lead your reader) . Consequently, this visiting activity leads people to learn more about what activities that people do in this celebration and also to learn how to respect other customs. Therefore, to learn more about other countries' cultures, visiting and being part of society are better than watching television or films.

To conclude, television programmes and films are very important ( Always remember to raise a reason as to support your claim every time you use this word for people to know more about what happens in other countries. Nevertheless, to understand more about beliefs and cultures of other nations, people have to travel to those countries. Therefore, it is better for people to visit other regions so they can conduct deepin-depth knowledge about these areas.

Overall, you have a good point to support your claim. However, some flaws interrupt your sentences. Hope that you pay attention to all highlights from the essay above. Revisiting and revising it is a must in order to have a strong essay. Best of luck

Writing Feedback / Children, in accordance with their passion, understand better what jobs are more suitable for them. [2]


A better future for children has proved elusive. As such, young people should be driven to make important decision about what to do with their profession. This seems a highly acceptable answer as long as both children and parents could reach mutual agreement. An alternative view of this, I would claim that the youth of today should opt to go on to their own decisions for a profession.

Writing Feedback / In order to avoid confusion of difference behaviour, many companies have developed a guideline [2]

International business activities are where people from different cultural background exchanges goods and services in a timeless world. Here, international people need to understand how one's culture works. Take one example, negotiations between Asian and Western companies are totally different when they do closing down sale. For Japanese business executives, it is rather difficult to them to say "NO" quickly, while Americans are more likely to be faster. As a result, it takes some time to deal with Japanese people in business rather than Americans. It is thus clear that it is a must in fully grasping the significance of what has happened in international business-to-business transaction

A basic proofreading is well-done since sentence to sentence has been tightened up.
Hope this helps :D

Writing Feedback / Nuclear technology is an inexpensive and unpolluted power source; energy at a relative low cost [3]


You have done for the intro, but you need to reword a few sentences. Let's give a try;
Since 20th century, some countries have started using nuclear technology, as this could be used to replace the use of natural resources like coal, oil or gas. While this is true to some extent, some others argue that the nuclear technology could bring a significant problem, as the waste from nuclear energy is extremely dangerous. Therefore, I would argue that the revival of nuclear technology could mitigate global warming effects.


Likewise, this paragraph need revising. Here is a step to do; Write your first opinion. This can be done with one sentence called topic sentence followed by a reason. Then you have to raise a specific example to support the topic. It is always good to merge your sentences with some linking words/ conjunctions. At the end of the paragraph, try to summarize the topic sentence. Do this step every time you write a new paragraph :D


In conclusion, it seems to me that while the waste of nuclear technology brings dire warnings, the contribution of nuclear technology can be channeled to serve people in a positive way. It is imperative that stakeholders should allocate money invested wisely to set up this technology.

When it comes to a concluding paragraph, your task is to simply restate the thesis statement taken from the intro. Also, you need to give a personal thought in the end of the sentence. A closer look at this:

1. A concluding signal: In conclusion
2. Restate the thesis taken from the intro;
While this is true to some extent, some others argue that the nuclear technology could bring a significant problem, as the waste from nuclear energy is extremely dangerous. Therefore, I would argue that the revival of nuclear technology could mitigate global warming effects.

3. Personal thought. This can be a hope, fear, or suggestion;
It is imperative that stakeholders should allocate money invested wisely to set up this technology

hope this helps :D
Best of luck

Writing Feedback / The bad effects of deforestation on the environment [5]


.
Let's say: Forests play an important role in making the earth's environment suitable for life, as forests provide homes for animals and supply paper products for humans. However, a large number of forests of the world today are being cut down due to the lack of awareness of human beings. Hence, environment is being impacted seriously; deforestation.

Writing Feedback / Is the criminality among youngsters caused by the lack of the social and emotional learning? [2]

A few words should be omitted so as to present succinct introduction
More attention should be paid on how to prevent people aged 18 and less perpetrating criminal activities. As it can be seen, the rise in amount of crime is caused by social and emotional vulnerability. While I believe that external influences such as friends, environments, and media play an important role in children's criminal behaviour, I would also argue that senior citizens should be involved in tackling this issue.

Writing Feedback / Saving earth from enviromental damages caused by over using air to support exporting (IELTS Task 2) [2]

You need to rework this intro. Let's give a try:
As air transport is increasing significantly, international trade of fruit and vegetables becomes a timeless word. Many a person claims that this way brings great importance as there seems widespread edible fruits. However, the idea of using air transport so as to reach this aim is not valued by some others.Therefore, I would argue that carrying fruit and vegetables by air reduces costs and time.

Writing Feedback / The process of pencil making from graphite and wood [3]

The first paragraph makes a brief statement about the information contained the diagram, plus the overview. Also, the following three paragraphs gives data on the several advanced steps. There would not be enough time to describe everything in the diagram, but the main points have been made. This report writing has been structured by focusing on each step of the manufacturing process separately. There is much use of the passive; for example, are made and should be dried in, but there is repetitive use of Cohesive devices, for example, Afterwards(written twice) and and (many times). Overall, this report is well written. I do not have any grammar correction, even a few, as this report has been passed in basic proofreading

Writing Feedback / The process of the greenhouse effect in the earth' surface - too much gases accumulated [3]

The diagram illustrates the process of the greenhouse ...

I like the way in which you presented this intro. You started introducing the diagram with a simple sentence showing a process of greenhouse. Likewise, you created an overview with a periodic sentence to show general discussion.

Basically, energy from the sun will be released to the earth's ...

Well, I think that you succeeded to present well-prepared sentences. Initially, this paragraph starts to explain the sun as the main source of energy transferring heat to the earth. Then, it is followed by some sentences describing how the greenhouse effect is created. However, I suggest having a bit change for this


which should be Not all is this energy reflected of the atmosphere. Here, you are to use an inverted sentence.

Moving to a more detailed analysis from the picture reveals ...

Good. What has been shown here is some detailed information dealing with the process of carbon dioxide, from how human activities affect the environmental damage to which areas of the earth are reached down to amounts of toxic gases.

Writing Feedback / In general, Social Sciences, Arts leads highly of the main fields of study than the other subjects. [4]


It takes some time to give some feedback, as this writing has no picture included. I suggest attaching the picture right now. Also, you need to rewrite this report writing, using this following structure:

1. Introduction: what does the chart show?
2. Overview / summary: what are the most noticeable features?
3. Specific details: try to write 2 paragraphs.

Writing Feedback / In order to produce a good movie for the audience, the film industry needs to push to their limits [2]

Well, I think that you need to write your prompt completely, so I know what is the purpose of this essay. Let's say; this is an argumentative essay. When you write an argumentative essay, you are to do a small research regarding your theme. This means that you are to collect all relevant information about your discussion. Also, you should present your position on the topic, a solid position, whether you partly agree, or both. Always remember to make sure that your key ideas and supporting facts are clear and easily understood. If you could, then evaluate for accuracy and acceptability as you present your argument as evidence in your essay.


,


,


,


This is always good having at least one subject and one verb to create a sentence. It is a must for all essays.

Writing Feedback / There are some huge gaps between male and female regarding teaching - IELTS [4]


This overview has covered all the data given. However, this needs more than a sentence. Always remember to vary your sentence with the complex one. Let's give a try:

It is clear that the number of teachers in College was expressed as the same percentage. Although the dominant man teachers were the largest in the group of University, woman teachers were more likely to teach in Nursery/Pre-school and Primary school.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: ASDA supermarket and its reasons! Close to home, good reputation, 24-hour shopping, etc. [2]

Overall, this is well-written. However, I notice a minor problem


The figure for Parking facilities seems to be the major reasons for both sexes, by 20 female and 21 male voters in favour.



What if you merge together the two sentences? The use of cohesive device 'while' is infinitely preferable to connecting them.

Writing Feedback / Choosing the custom of the place you live, and your own custom, has always been a polemical topic. [3]

Let me share some flow


It is a must for some people to get accustomed to understanding customs of a country in which they live.


What seems hard for some people who live in a different country is how complex communication gathered from a range of unfamiliar customs must be understood and prioritized.


Although this sentence is well-written, it seems that the word: custom interrupts the whole sentence.


not to get accustomed to

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Coffee exports in 3 different nations. [2]


This is the first time you mention, so Indefinite article is needed: A 10-year period


Semi-colons are not frequently used in contemporary English. Commas are much more common.


This is not reminder . Watch its meaning closely.



Always imitate the phrase with care. Then, you know how it should be used, not just to copy and cut ;)

Writing Feedback / Coffee export in three different countries in South America - IELTS task 1 [2]

Overall, what stands out from the graph examines that coffee exports experienced bothan upward and downward trends . On the other hand, coffee exports in three different countries tended to reveal a dramatic rise throughout the period.


The 2006 Colombia figure for coffee exports


the figure for Brazil was higher than that for Colombia, or the figure for Brazil was higher than Colombia's


Commonly, figure collocates with for, not of.


Bad sentence. Rewrite this.


the lowest figure of other two countries

Writing Feedback / Professional jobs are undervalued, whilst actors or company bosses are paid huge money [3]


1. Needs an article here
2. Write: People with different ...
3/5. This is called sentence fragments. You need to connect the sentence to a nearby sentence, using a transitional expression.
4. It seems that you really like this word. I suggest varying your lexicon in lieu of using it repeatedly.
6 The comma should be omitted
7. To write a weak thesis is to present it with a generic phrase. Then, you did ;)
A slight mark for the thesis: While the statement should be proven, it is also believed that the range of criteria have strongly influenced that the amount of money given to actors or top executives is not always the same as the average pay of ordinary occupations

Writing Feedback / IELTS-Task 1- The Share of International Student in Canada [3]


Try not to include figures in a topic sentence. Let's give a try; If analyzed, the data shows that there was a significant rise in number of international students in three provinces in Canada.


Initially, the number of International graduates in New Brunswick stood at 7% in 2001. By 2006, this figure had increased to 13% of total international students. Also, the figure for Nova Scotia showed a dramatic rise in number of International university students, from 6.5% to over 11% during the year under review. 2001 to 2006 witnessed a slight rise in Quebec, an increase of 2% in 5 years.

Always remember to include the picture of the graph, in order to help find the relevant data.

Writing Feedback / Sports facility is a big factor of improving public health but it is not enough [4]


Well, this phrase is too common, as thousand students always use this. I suggest that you rewrite it. ( See how @ruwchii helps you)

Para 2:


Let's give a try: It is believed that the number of sports facilities should be increased to improve public health, as this will encourage people to do physical exercise even in busy activities.

Also, this paragraph needs a small example as to support the topic sentence and a small conclusion prior to open a new paragraph. Let's give a try

A 2001 Harvard study pointed out that the significant rise in Japanese health has grown rapidly since the late 1960s, as the government invested more money in supporting public health by introducing the insurance of universal health in 1961. As it can be seen from the example, public health facilities ensure people to pay more attention to all aspect of their everyday life.


This appropriate abbreviation cannot be used in Academic Writing, or IELTS.

Para 3


This needs to rewrite. You could imitate the aforementioned layout. Sorry to resay: each topic sentence is to have at least a clear reason, a scientific example, and a small conclusion.

Para 4


You are not allowed to introduce a new topic here. A conclusion is to write with the following steps:
1. A concluding signal: In conclusion, to sum up, etc
2. Restate the thesis statement
3. Recall the main points
4. Personal thought: recommendation, fears, or hopes.

Writing Feedback / I would argue that globalization influences people to learn foreign language, English especially [5]


I like the way you write the introduction. However, such intro needs more improvements as to form a line with the prompt.


Let's give a try: The idea of how young children learn a foreign language from early age is today's hot issue. While some people believe that preschoolers taught a second language will be more creative and better at solving ambitious projects, I would also argue that children as natural language acquirers are more likely to earn score higher easily on standardized tests.

Writing Feedback / The data suggest that, as time goes by, more individuals prefer games software and DVDs over CDs. [4]

Hi there.., it is always good to answer these following points when it comes to IELTS report writing, so as to write a well-developed introductory paragraph:

1. What is the graph? Bar graph.
2. What is the data? Global sales of Games Software, DVD/Video, and CDs
4. How is it measured and is time given? Billion dollars, between 2000 and 2003

For this intro


, let's give a try:
This bar chart illustrates the sales of Games Software, DVD/Video, CDs in the world between 2000 and 2003, measured in billion dollars.


Use more formal tone, as this is a report writing.


Break this sentence as it is too bulky.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 - Personal saving as a percentage of personal income [3]


It is always good to emerge these three sentences together into a paragraph.

Let give a try for the overview:
Italy was recorded as the highest percentage of personal income in 1970 and in 1990. In 2000, Japan and France held the record for the proportion of personal savings compare to other countries

Writing Feedback / I believe we can have some measure in place to help tackle the environmental woes. IELTS TASK2 [2]



This intro and conclusion are good. However, you need to put your opinion prior to the end of introduction, known as thesis statement. By doing so, you are easily to restate the thesis when it comes to a concluding paragraph.


This contains a bad grammar, as adding no main sentence. Rewrite this part.


I am not sure that


can be used here. You'd better replace it, by using another linker.

Writing Feedback / Transporting food by air now provides market opportunities both exporting and importing countries. [3]


Air transport has experienced the fastest growth. For this reason, some people prefer selecting this as the main means of transport to sell fruit and vegetables to other countries. While this brings a positive development, as supposed to support crops grown for market, I believe that the use of air transport can be one of the principal contributors to global environmental problems.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: The pattern of studying plays a major crucial aspect in the academic achievements [3]


(1)aspect to/from
(2)students' academic attainment
(3) As this sentence didn't support the topic well, I would say that this adds no complete idea.
For the sentence, let me give a try: Some students argue that study group expects to everyone participate actively in class discussions.
(4) It is always better when you present this with an active sentence.
(5) more DEEP concentration ON


(1) you need more work to deal with the flow of the sentence. Here is an example of a topic sentence: I would argue that students who conduct their own study groups will generate a huge demand for a high level of proficiency in a particular major, as they can share materials collaboratively toward the same goals.

(2)perspectives


(1)to gain
(2)Academic writing should be written from a third person's view. This means that as a writer, you discuss the topic as an outsider, and the reader also reads your essay as an outsider.

Writing Feedback / Number of people has increased since 1800 and will increase continuously and then will decrease [3]

Let me give a try for the overview
Overall, it is the world rapid population growth showing an upward trend, but this figure is predicted to decrease steadily at the remainder of time. In any case, by 2015 the urban population has grown per annum in developing countries. In developed regions, this portion will remain virtually unchanged.

Writing Feedback / To speak a foreign language well, you need to adopt some of their traditions. - IELTS [2]


Your task is to simply introduce the background information retrieved from the prompt. Also, make sure that you present a clear thesis statement, so as to help your readers understand the following body paragraphs.

Let me give a try for this question:


Culture and language are closely intertwined. Therefore, people who learn to speak a foreign language are to assimilate culture and traditions in which the language is spoken. While this idea is true to some extent, due to the role of cultural environments in the acquisition of language influenced by ethnography, I would argue that learners could reach their acquisition of language when they could develop areas of vocabulary growth and vocabulary use with more talks.

Writing Feedback / IETLS W1 poverty rates by age and gender (bar chart) and family composition of women in poverty... [3]

Thanks to Dumi, our moderator and contributor here, the first and foremost lesson I learn from her is that writing task 1 should be written with an overview. The overview helps readers understand what are the most noticeable features. Also, if you are aiming to earn a score of 6 and more for the Task Achievement, IELTS band descriptors tells us to do so.

Secondly, she also guides me how to develop a good paragraph in writing task 1. A good paragraph should be contained at least one topic sentence and one supporting sentence. That is to say, you'd better take some time to analyze the graph and understand the trends taking place. By doing so, you can group all the information in a logical way and know what to put as a topic and details. Always remember, IELTS examiners want to see how good you compare the information.

Writing Feedback / It is difficult for mothers and fathers to understand their children because of generation gap [3]

212 words. This is not suitable to your essay development, as you are asking to write 250 words and more, when it comes to writing task 2.


You need a slight improvement on this presentation. Let me give a try for this question;


Children are strongly influenced by parents. For some people, they argue that parents teach their children in the best way. For some others, parents are not always the best teachers. In my view, although parents are not the best one in education, they affect children's later development and attitudes.

Writing Feedback / Being underrated gives you the advantage of a no-pressure situation [3]


This is well-done. However, this part


sounds peculiar, as you don't rewrite it using your own words. I suggest that you paraphrase the sentence.


It is always good to do the same action as you did in the paras 2&3, by giving real-life examples so as to support the topic sentences.


The rule of a concluding paragraph is to write a concluding signal, to restate the thesis statement, and to develop strong recommendations, hopes, or to express deep fears.

Thanks.