Writing Feedback / Childhood is not going to be repeated. Should children play for fun or compertition? [4]

Hi Hector, as I move along and read through your essay, I must say that you have a well managed essay. The fact is that you made sure that the words you use to associate your thoughts and ideas in the essay are very well sequenced, in a very logical order and more importantly, they are all bound to answer and justify your stand on on the topic as to children are suppose to play for fun or competition.

On a hindsight, some people such as basketball players or those ones who play professional tennis are doing both, they play for fun and competition, well, the amount of fun, I'm not sure as to which level but for sure there is an adrenalin rush in trying to win each and every game they participate. For children however, I'm a firm believer that childhood only comes once in our lifetime and so is life in general, therefore, we need to help our children to make the most of it, just like what we, adults, make the most of our life.

There you have it Hector, I hope the above insights help and should you need further assistance, do let us know and we will be here for you.

Scholarship / QuestBridge National College Match Short Answers [7]

Hi Li, the answer to the second essay is in no way relevant to the prompt, the prompt says what are your career goals, therefore, you need to set a sequence of plans on how your career is going to look like in the future. Now don't get me wrong, you have a well written essay, however, it just didn't answer the prompt, regardless if it is short or lengthy, the one that will set it apart from other essays is its contents.

Moving on, in your revision, I suggest that you lay a draft of your future professional career. Something that will be very realistic, feasible at the rate that your academic career is leading to at this point and definitely something that will strengthen your ground in pursuing a degree in FBLA.

There you have it Li, once again I hope the above insights will help you draw a well written and direct to the point essay and I wish to review your revision soon.

Writing Feedback / The brief life of Circus from ancient world in Romans [4]

Hi Patta, here's what I think on your essay.

Two things, first, your writing has improved when it comes to the proper association of words in your sentences and their proper placement. However, the forms of the words can still be enhanced, the minor details can also be modified in order to create a complete thought and overall impact of the essay.

Next, the title of the essay says, "The brief life of Circus from ancient world in Romans", and as much as it says, "brief", that doesn't mean that you write an essay that is very short and lacks the relevant information that could've added vital information that depicts the life of a Circus in the Ancient world of the Romans. Overall, it is an essay that could've been better, therefore, I suggest that in your revision, you add a couple more sentences with relevant information.

I hope the above remarks and insights help and I wish to review your revision soon.

Scholarship / QuestBridge National College Match Short Answers [7]

Hi Li, first of all, your posts has too many prompts in one go that could've been done, one prompt at a time, this way you will be able to give the reviewer a definite focus on the task at hand. Now, don't get me wrong, with this amount of prompts, the reviewers can still choose one prompt to review and come back to review the remaining ones, this way you will also see and check should the insights and modifications were helpful.

Having said that, please find a few suggestions below;

1. Describe which single activity/interest listed above represents your most meaningful commitment and why. (400 characters; FBLA = Future Business Leaders of America, and was already defined as such, so using an acronym is no problem)

- Although business isn't for me,- I believe this particular admission will not do us any good, following the purpose of the essay.

Now, aside from the above remark, for this first prompt, the rest of the sentences are good, however, I must say it did not answer the prompt. The prompt says, name a single particular activity that represents a meaningful commitment and why do you think so. Therefore, you need to pick one strong attribute that inspired and heightened your desire to pursue FBLA and I understand that the club inspired you a lot but the prompt needs a very specific activity.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Children start school at the age of 4 or 7 ? [6]

Hi Nurul, as I go through your essay, I must say that the only thing that I see that is very visible throughout the essay is the fact that you tend to use the wrong form of the word in your sentences, say for example, "starting" when the correct form that compliments the sentence is "start", you see,a minor change such as the one I mention can do a great deal in your essay. Now, don't get me wrong, your writing has been in a very good progress, however, you need to focus on the minor details of the sentences as this will make or break the essay and its overall outcome.

Having said that, please find a few suggestions below for your conclusion.

- In conclusion, while children starting school at the age
- they can suffer from serious health diseasealso be exposed to different circumstances were they're not yet prepared to tackle .
- education at a more mature phase,
- at aged severseven to eight years.
- decisions related withto their children's development.

There you have it Nurul, I hope that above remarks and insights help in you revision.

Essays / Princeton Engineering Essay - three parts of the topic [2]

Hi Arjun, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, I hope you find this website to be helpful and even more valuable to your writing projects, we aim at providing you with the most accurate and objective feedback that will definitely enhance your essay and should there be any questions after the review, come along and write us your concerns.

Now, I understand that to think of writing an essay for Princeton is already a daunting task, however, if you have the right structure and right approach towards the essay it should work just fine. As mentioned, the structure of the essay is very important, this goes with the paragraphs, the spacing and the overall presentation of your essay.

Further to your queries, as much as the first and the last paragraph or the concluding part is crucial to your essay, you must not take the body or what you call your second paragraph less important, the body of the essay is where you can provide examples, citation of certain things that will support and strengthen your essay.

Overall, each paragraph is placed in an essay in order to give a total complete idea to combat the prompt. There you have it Arjun, I hope the insights helped and I wish to review your essay soon.

Writing Feedback / Identify your greatest interest, find career that match what you love, and pursue it no matter what [3]

Hi Riandi, below is my take on your summary essay.

First of all, the pursuit of what we love to do, our passion and our life goals should not be done only when we think we really need to have a direction in life, indeed, the pursuit of the future is a process, a process that is done in a daily basis, every waking moment should be a chance for us to get better in life and be able to do what we do best and according to our hearts desire.

Moving on, below are my suggestions for your essay.

- He said, inas a teenager he was interested
- to investedin investing money into gold.
- Then,he talked about jobs
- that people must find reliable information that the job morewill
- perfectly match your qualifications .

There you have it Riandi, I believe you have the right idea and you understood what is asked of you in this essay, somehow, it didn't transpire in the essay, what I mean is, following the above corrections, it seems like there's still a lot of work to be done specially in conveying your message to your readers and forming a complete and meaningful sentences. Practice writing more and I hope you follow thought with the suggested corrections.

Writing Feedback / Some editors have a great deal of consideration before broadcasting news on television or newspaper [5]

Hi Aris, here's my take on the first two paragraphs of your essay.

- At the present timeNowadays , the rising amount of news on
- ... has significantly influenced peoples views.
- Thus, ( don't forget your punctuation marks) some editors
- havepossess a great deal of consideration
- that the good news should be much more reportinggiven priority than the bad news.

- There are several factors which affects the journalist's decision
- news sinceas it will give them more chances
- to appeal to people towho watch
- ... when the news is watched or read in big amounthuge following ,
- it will have an impact to the company's income.

There you have it Aris, the above remarks are quiet minor, pretty much your linking verbs, the punctuation marks should be given importance too and for future reference, make sure that this is noted and practiced.

Writing Feedback / Using Security Cameras in the Supermarket [2]

Hi Ashela, I believe this is the first time that I'm writing a review on your essay and I hope this helps.

At a glance, I must say that the essay has started strong, the ideas you presented towards the importance of the security cameras in supermarkets are very relevant to todays worls and this type of association is very crucial in writing as this means that you understand what you are writing and you definitely know what you want your readers to understand.

However, as much as the essay started good, the concluding part of the essay did not end that well, therefore I'd like to share a few insights that will help you in your revision.

- By theWith the reasons mentioned ,
- the expensive price of the cameras is not being a problem
- if it is compared with itsbrings advantages
- in order to prevent the stealing.
- Monitoring the condition in the supermarket
- number of stealingtheft cases,

There you have it Ashela, I hope the above remarks are helpful in your revision and for future writing reference, make sure that when you start the essay strong, keep it in that intensity and make it even stronger in the end as the concluding part is somehow that last one that retains in the minds of the readers.

Writing Feedback / The number of books that were borrowed and its Book types [IELTS Writing Task 1] [5]

Hi Sari, first of all when you post an analysis, you have to make sure that the graph or the diagram that represents the information that you are about to analyze, this way the reviewers will be able to make sure that they are delivering the most accurate and credible feedback that is necessary to your revision.

Anyhow, I would like to edit and provide you corrections that will enhance your analysis and that is according to the proper usage of the English language.

- is depicted in the line graph,
- showed in the pie chart which is measured in percentage .

- At firsta glance, books borrowed
- with both increased gradually increasing
- tillto 150 books in September.
- remained at a fluctuation rate before,
- re-increasedbounced back and peaked at 300 books.

- To sum upOverall , three different village
- whilst rest of the library decreased,
- the given frame period.

There you have it Sari, I hope the above remarks are helpful to your revision and for future writing reference, mind the linking verbs and their proper placement in the essay.

Writing Feedback / Some of people think that wealthy life and high salary are essential for personal happiness [4]

Hi Aris,indeed, people has different views on pursuing happiness, however, regardless of how we pursue our own purpose in this lifetime, it would be best to consider that, happiness will only have a meaning if you are truly happy with yourself, with the people around you and with how life is looking ahead of you.

Moreover, with my first review, I hope you find the modifications helpful and even more valuable to your revision.I'd like to complete the review with the additional modifications below;

- On the other hand, people living in a happy
- family whichshould can accept the real
- circumstance of every family members
- especially in economical condition, can be other happiness sources. - For example, inIn some states, if one
- just has a middle income or even low income,
- and motivation instead .
- Next, health, other factors,Health is also a factor that can
- affect toward beingthe pursuit of happiness.

There you have it Aris, this additional help should strengthen your essay further.

Writing Feedback / Being social makes us happier, healthier and we live longer than people who are less connected. [3]

Hi Patta, the summary essay is missing a few punctuations marks (e.g., comma) as well as linking verbs in order to complete the thought of the sentence.

Please find additional suggested modifications below.

- Life is too short, sometimes we climb
- from bottom to the top,
- sometimes turning to the opposite direction.
- Life teach us about relationships
- sothey keep us happier and healthier.
- Robert Waldinger bywith his big lesson
- talked about relationships whichwith social connections .
- than people who wasare less connected.

- Based on his research,
- more happilywhen a man or woma n
- is happy, even their physical pain but their mood just still happygoes away .
- However,the people who are in an unhappy - their physical pain by morethat emotional pain is more painful .
- This explanation is good for us that is relationship good in healthto maintain a healthy relationship .

- To sum up humans needs to be connected to each other.
- It is practical endless. A good life is buildbuilt in a good relationship, he ended his speech.

There you have it Patta, I hope the above corrections help in your revision.
Your summary is somehow a direct translation of your understanding which is good, however, it is also translated in a way that you understand it in your mother tongue and not in the English language, so a little more practice is needed.

Writing Feedback / TEDX Finding work you love dont Follow your passion [5]

Hi Bams, I believe this is my first review of your essay and I hope my insights and additional remarks help.

- Most people in the world fin it hard in choosing career,
- because it is a complexes problemsituation . - Rightnow many peoplePeople tend to focusFocuses
- on the wrong thing,
- they can notcan't seem to find out the best way.
- Majority of the people havedevelop the
- same strategy to gotget the best career,
- following the money to getcreate and find their passion.

There you have it Bams, as you can see, there's quiet a lot of work to be done in your essay. What I'm trying to understand is that, you seem to find your sentences to be complete when they're not,in a complete sentence, their's quiet a lot of factors to consider, one of them are minor details such as the punctuation marks, the spacing and most importantly the idea that you are trying to convey to your readers. I hope you find the above examples of modifying your essay is helpful in your revision and should you need further assistance do let us know.

Writing Feedback / Bill Gates and his presentation in Long beach California [3]

Hi Patta, at a glance, I noticed the spelling of the month of "Februari",at the end of the essay, now I know that this is a typo error as you know the correct spelling is "February", this is why your spell checker is extremely important, when you have it on whenever you're writing, it really helps in creating a more meaningful essay and less corrections for you and this will have a domino effect, less corrections means less headache and better understanding of your writing.

Further to the modification of your essay, please find additional help below;

- Bill Gates had a speech in
- February 2009 that took placed
- atin Long beach California.
- He argued that the market
- not drilled thefocused to our scientists and professionals.
- If we o nly pay attention in
- I am an optimist, any top problems
- it can be solve, Gates added.
- In his lecture, there are problem in the world such as diarrhea, pneumonia and malaria that decrease time in time.- I believe this statement is not necessary.

There you have it Patta, I believe you understood the speech delivered by Bill Gates, however, this did not transpired in your essay. A lot of practice is needed to improve your writing but no worries at all, its a process of learning.

Writing Feedback / Every person has take the control and responsibility for the type of life that he wants to lead. [4]

Hi Andika, as I review your essay, I must say, right of the bat, you made sure that your essay is precise, written direct to the point and the best thing about it is the fact that it is very comprehensive, one paragraph summary that is very straight to the point.

One more thing, you labeled life's progress that is very well done, highlighting this information will help your readers find out and better understand the talk. You were able to convey the message to your readers properly and this is the most important part of the summary and your writing style.

Overall, there's still a lot to learn about life and it's just a matter of time until we will be able to balance life and we learn as we go along. For future reference, however, as much as it is a summary, you can go ahead and make it in a two part paragraph and that should leave the reader a breather in order for them to grasp the information that you portray in the article.

Writing Feedback / Summary of TED fusion is energy's future (Steve Cowley) [7]

Hi Ifan, as I go along in reviewing your summary, what I like about it is its logical order, you made sure that your summary is not written only upon your understanding but you made sure that they are in the right order. Not only that, you have the right information, crucial ones that justify the TED Fusion of future energy, having all the information means you understood the talk and you learned from it.

However, I would suggest that in your future writing and revision, avoid using the word, "and", in the beginning of your sentences. The word "and" is use to connect or merge two phrases in order to complete an idea. Therefore, it is not advisable to use it in the starting your essay.

Overall, it is a well written summary with all the necessary information in their properly respected sequence and I hope to review more of your essay soon.

Writing Feedback / A Great Elephant Was Defeated By an Ingenious Ant Once upon a time, in the jungle forest, lived ass [2]

Hi San, I believe this is my first review for your work and with that, I would like to WELCOME you to the Essay Forum Team, we aim at providing you with the most accurate and relevant feedback that will help you get more confident in submitting your essay.

Now, as I read along, I can't help but get engrossed with the story, indeed, learning is a process and its a very long one, I believe a lifetime is not even enough for us to learn everything about life. Life is a constant act of learning, a constant act of question and answer from all sorts of people from different walks of life.

Moreover, what is also good in your writing is the fact that, you pay attention to the minute details of writing, such as punctuation marks, spacing and the words that you incorporate in your essay are also very easy to comprehend. Overall, the one that stands the most is the take out lesson of the story, this means that you as a writer did understand and learned from the writing yourself. I wish to review more of your essays very soon.

Writing Feedback / More and more people do not ride the bicycle as a model of transportation even though it has many [3]

Hi Phuc, first of all WELCOME to the Essay Forum Team, we hope you find this website to be helpful as well as valuable to your revision, we aim to provide you with the most accurate and objective feedback that will help enhance your essay and be more confident in submitting it.

Having said that, I would like to add to your essay that, indeed, there are less and less people who go for a bicycle ride nowadays, there are a lot of different factors that contributes to this reduce in interest as life is getting more automatic. Now going back to your essay, as I read along, I find it very interesting, the words you choose to depict your ideas is very direct and very easy to comprehend and this is very critical when you are writing something that of your opinion. One more thing that I like about your essay is the fact that you did not only shout out your opinion on the task at hand but you made sure that the essay is covering current events, events that are happening in real and todays life.

Overall, it is a well managed essay and I hope this insights helped, should you need further assistance, do let us know.

Writing Feedback / Some of people think that wealthy life and high salary are essential for personal happiness [4]

Hi Aris, I believe this is my first review for your essay however, I assure you that as we practice here on EF, we will definitely provide you with consistent objective feedback and that will hopefully enhance your essay and be more confident for submission.

This modification is focused on the first 2 paragraphs of your essay.

- that welfarea wholesome life andwith
- buthowever, as much as you can, avoid using the word "but")
- and givinggive my opinion as a
- conclusion inby the end of the writingarticle .

- Nowadays, there is no denying that money has thea
- strong influence in peoples lives since
- People with thea decent job
- don'tdoesn't have proper job becauseand they receive much more money.
- It will make themmean they have a bigger chance
- life such as lacklike lacking of familiy time.

There you have it Aris, I hope the above remarks are helpful to your revision and should you need further assistance, do let us know so we can help out.

Writing Feedback / Bill Gates - how do you stop deadly disease that spread by mosquitos? [3]

Hi Husnul, as soon as I started reviewing your essay, I noticed your quick note on the proper placement of punctuation marks and I'm quiet surprise as most of the writers tend to forget this minor details and I must tell you, as much minor this details are, they are important in completing you sentence and it will have an overall impact in your essay.

However, I believe the essay can still be enhanced, having said that, below are my thoughts;

- that is spread by mosquitos?, and how do ...

- On the other casehand ,
- a conducted research conducted proves that
- those great teachers are not because
- of their masters degree but their past experience.
- TheyThe key points areis thatthose teachers
- are beingsupposed to be very active,
- they perticipatecan ask each students
- and personnel to participate in the system.
- KIP teachers have a target,
- measure their skill and criticize their work each others work regularly.
- The point is gathering people to work together and the solution is ontowards progress.

There you have it Husnul, I hope the above remarks are helpful and for future writing reference, mind the words and its form when you associate them in your sentences. It would also help if you read your sentences aloud as this will tell you if something sounds off, then you definitely need to fix something.

Writing Feedback / TED Summary : The philosophy of a happy life according to Sam [4]

Hi Bung, as this is my first review of your essay, I must say your essay targeted the core message of the talk, indeed, happy life is a choice we make and this will bring us to where we want to be. One good thing that you also showcased in your essay is the fact that, you have clarity in your words and more importantly you understood what the story is all about, this is a very important aspect in writing, you have to be able to understand what you are writing about.

Furthermore, you have managed to keep your summary in 2 distinct paragraphs and this goes to show that your summary is very compact and you are straight to the point and this is depicted in how you have written your summary.

Moreover, as much as I loved your summary essay, I would still advice you to practice writing more often and read a lot, this will open a lot of chances in exploring new words and new techniques in writing and hopefully you can develop new writing techniques.

Writing Feedback / HERE'S HOW MANY APPLE CORES IT WOULD TAKE TO POISON YOU [2]

Hi Terminal123, below are my thoughts on your essay, this is very straight forward, in order for you to see the difference between your original essay and the enhanced or modified one.

- Point inWas there a time when your - mother ever restricted you to eat apple cores
- cause apple cores can consist a large amount of
- and it can change becomethis can form into a cyanide - when it gets down into your gut bacteria ,
- which can do the best way of killing youkill anyone once ingested .
- People are throwing out the middle of apple, it just wasting half an apple .

- Apples are not the only fruits with
- It's alsoin peaches,
- from eating a large amount of amygdalin.

There you have it Terminal123, I hope the above remarks and corrections are helpful to your revision. Overall, there are quiet a lot of missing words and verbs that should've completed your sentences, therefore, the modifications done above should help and of course practice a lot as this will help you in your future writing project.

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1 Student Cambridge Books- Travelling to work in Houston, Texas [4]

Hi Fadhill, please find the a few suggestions below in order to strengthen your analysis.

- each types of transportation used in traveling .

- The favorite mode of transportation
- used isa self-driven car,
- most popular at approximately forty percent,
- which is higher than cars with passenger and cycle/walk.

- Furthermore, it also becomes the most famous transportation used among the oldest
- In contraston the contrary , cycle/walk
- self-driven car and car with
- age at approximately forty four years old.

- The production of CO2 is dominated by self-driven cars ,
- which annually releases 0.3 kilograms per

There you have it Fadhill, I hope the above remarks are helpful, they are focused on the first 2 paragraphs of your analysis and I hope you follow through for the 3rd and final paragraph of your analysis.

Writing Feedback / The least popular transportation chosen by the workers is cycling or walking [4]

Hi Alrisky, below are my thoughts on the first 2 paragraphs of your analysis, I hope this helps.

- The following table and the bar chart gives data
- about travellingon how to travel to work in Houston, Texas.
- To begin with , the table provides information
- about the percentage of travelers per formmode of transport to
- work and their average age of them based on four - Eventually, there is a connection between both ...

- The last popular transportation chosen by the workers is
- However, it is totally use noThis mode of transportation uses no CO2 Emission.
- Furthermore, catching the bus or train
- is in the second mode of transportation used by 37 percent
- which is only 11 percent of the workers aged 44 who took it.

There you have it Alrisky, I hope the corrections above are helpful to your revision and I wish to review the final analysis soon.

Writing Feedback / The bar chart shows amount of carbon dioxide emissions from different forms of transportation [4]

Hi Muhamad, below are my thoughts on your analysis.

- of travelers' per-form ofwho takes different modes of - average age of the traveler.
- The table shows the amount of carbon
- All inOver all, the most common
- means and causes the most pollution of transport is experienced by car-driver only.

- According to the table, self driver onlypersonal cars are - which areis at thirty-seven percent.
- The least common forms of transportation is
- a cycle or walk, inat four percent.
- And also at theThe second line of table,
- reveals that train or bus comes

- Based on the bar chart, self driverpersonal cars causes
- The second most smog iscame from a car with
- transportation is cycling orand walking.

There you have it Muhamad, I hope the above remarks and insights help you in your revision, one more thing, the word "travelers", does not need any apostrophe or any other punctuation mark.

Graduate / Essay required for admission to study Management of Information Systems. Question is provided. [2]

Hi Alok, first of all, WELCOME to The Essay Forum Family, I hope you find this website to be helpful and even more valuable to your writing projects.

We strive to provide you with the most accurate feedback in order to create an even stringer essay.

Upon going through your essay, I must say that you were able to answer the prompt in a very manageable manner, you made sure that it is straight to the point and not only that the essay answers the prompt but it is also written in a very logical manner, this is a technique in writing were your readers will be able to properly understand the essay and therefore will be easy to target and depict what is asked of you and more importantly, your purpose.

Having said this, I believe you started the essay in a very strong and collected manner, however, I believe the last part of the essay can still enhanced.

Please find my suggestions below;

- MyArmed with my professional and academic experiences till now have got me convinced that, I believe a Management in information Systems degree is the mostbecause of the clever way in which itwhere it'sis designed would do wonders for me (...) to the success of any business I will venture in the future .

There you have it Alok, I hope the above remarks are helpful to your revision and do let us know what comes out of your applications, we'd love to hear from you.

Writing Feedback / An increasing temperature on the planet can have domino-falling effects for the future of Earth [2]

Hi Riandi, as I go through your essay, I must say you know exactly how to approach or answer the essay, that is in you own language, however, not in the English language, especially in accordance to the language rules. You have incomplete sentences that does not help in the overall impact of the essay. To further elaborate this observation, please find a few suggestions and remarks below;

- have domino-falling effects for the future of the Earth. - Wide-spread changes are observed in the Earth's climate.

- Gasoline consumption thein developing countrycountries was following developed country.
- So giventhe technology for developing
- For example put a price on carbon ... - what do you mean by this sentence?

- Solutions on renewable energy is often
- ... bring electricity to places that does not have it,

There you have it Riandi, you need a lot of practice in sentence construction, it will also help if you read a lot in order to widen your vocabulary,this will help with your sentence construction. Keep writing.

Writing Feedback / Why you should experience a home stay in Thailand? [3]

Hi Almajid, below are my thoughts on your essay.

- which is interestingwhere foreigners tocan stay there ,
- everything that is in Thailand can spoil visitors who come to that countrywill entice visitors to stay and never leave the country, however, - you can spentonly spend more than a week

- We do notdon't have to worry to look for the way how we can get about ...and look for a place to stay in traveling to Thailand ,

- which is a good services of traveling in Thailand.
- those not only provide about travel but alsoThis setting only means that we can get everything
- whatthat we need during weour stay in Thailand,
- Finally, we will feel enjoy duringour stay in Thailand with providing which they offer for touristswith all this ease that is provided by the government programs such as home stay .

There you have it Almajid, overall, you have the right idea and approach of the essay, however, you have a direct translation of your native tongue to English and somehow this is not grammatically correct, however, with practice, you should be able to do better in your future writing projects.

Writing Feedback / How many people became a fitness center members some years ago? [2]

Hi Shandy, below are my thoughts on your analysis.

- women becomingbecame members of the fitness

- and rose markedlyremarkably twice as
- However, this occurred theobserved a slight
- rise approximately in 1900 in 1985.
- Then,in 1995 it increased
- than the first years from 2000 toat 1000 people.

- The figure of women fitness membership was initially at 1000 in 1970
- and rose moderately t 2000 in the following year.
- Before dropping at approximately 800 in 2000,
- it ever happened with the same points\

- Al in allOverall , men of fitness
- members at 5000 in 1995
- althoughand in the end of year
- they fell dramatically at 1000.

There you have it Shandy, I hope the above remark and corrections are helpful to your revision.

Writing Feedback / Birds generally travel to higher latitudes of the Northern Hemisphere to breed during a warm seasons [2]

Hi Rizaldo, please find a few suggestions below in order to enhance your essay.

- but the renowned type for observersof migrants that are observed for for centuries is bird migrations.

- warm season and continued to
- whichthat lived in
- in addition, exhibit altitudinalan altitude of migration - nearby the lower country.
- they havewith their navigation ability
- which is usually separated and relying on the innate

There you have it Rizaldo, I believe the analysis is well written, just very minor modifications which I believe will enhance the analysis and I hope you follow though.What I noticed in this analysis is the form of the words that you associate on your sentences, they are correct, however, needs a little modification and proper placement. I hope to review your final analysis.

Writing Feedback / Fitness membership calculation in 30 years by gender [3]

Hi Rosa, I believe this is my first review of your analysis and I hope you follow through with the corrections.

- registered in a fitness place within 1970 up to 2000.
- comparedwithto the female

- The male group's peaked atin 1995
- which thewith a membership
- accumulation that showed there were 5000 people
- arrived only at 4000 people in last 2 decades.

- Meanwhile, the female group spanned the numerous membership
- while they reached 1000 peoplea through
- of the year of 1970 whenwith the calculation of membership. showed no more 1000 people at the stood point.

There you have it Rosa, I hope the above remarks are helpful to your revision and for future writing reference, make sure to analyze the graph and create a more focused analysis.

Scholarship / The three university courses choice - Applying for Chevening Scholarship, need help with my essay! [11]

Hi Aysha, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, I hope you find this website to be helpful as well valuable to your writing projects, we aim at providing you with the most accurate feedback that will enhance your essay and create a more credible note for submission.

Having said that, below are my suggestions that is focused on the last paragraph of the scholarship essay.

- Studying in the UK will provide
- me with a master'sMaster's degree that
- will beis recognized and reputed worldwide.
- toof my dermatology career back home.
- It will provide me with the confidence,
- To be a part of the change requiredabout to take over in my country,
- treatment facilities provided to them is an honor and service for greater welfare to my countrymen .

- of being a C hevening scholar.
- I am aware of the demands of a full time taught postgraduate course,
- butand my commitment
- strengthen through mywith the experiences
- at one of the prestigious U niversities in the UK.

There you have it Aysha, as you know the Chevening Scholarship is one of the most sought after scholarship there is in the academic world and I believe it is a very rewarding one once you get to be part of it and ultimately finish it. Going back to your essay, I believe it's just very minor details such as your linking verbs and though this is just minor, it will make a huge difference if they're not in your essay.

Do let us know what comes out of your application, we'd love to hear from you.

Writing Feedback / Al Gore - how the behavior of people can effect the climate crisis? [2]

Hi Fadhil, I believe this is the first review I will have for your essay and it will be a pleasure to do so, having said that, please find the suggested remarks below;

- the speakerAl Gore ( I believe in this part of the essay, you should establish the subject ) tried to
- resume the last talk aboutcontinue with the
- optimistic approach that explained
- of people can effectaffect the climate crisis.
- The behavior was correlatingrelated with awareness
- which might effectaffectin correlation with democracy.
- Moreover, the power of democracy as well as the self-awareness
- of people might changed worldwide climate crisis.

- the fact of a decreasing in size of
- Antartica showed theis an indicator of
- forto support the poverty of several countries.

- By usingWith renewable energy
- this could lead to sustain
- resources so that there would bea development in therecan be made ;
- be managed and effecthave a good impact worldwide.

There you have it Fadhil, I hope the above remarks are helpful to your revision and should you need further assistance, do let us know so we can assist you.

Writing Feedback / TED: How Childhood trauma affects health across a lifetime [2]

Hi David, below are my thoughts on your essay.

- Heart disease and lung cancer are several of leading causes
- FolksPeople who are exposed
- into very high doses have triple
- but its because of childhood trauma.
- Mostly those trauma causesd by physical
- So, TheTherefore, the single most important
-our body stay healthy withand always
- keeping good relationship
- inwith the neighborhood and family,
- AlsoThe government role

There you have it David, I hope the above remarks are helpful in your revision, and for future writing reference, make sure that you observe the right form of the words that you incorporate in your essay, as this is very crucial in creating a well rounded essay.

Writing Feedback / A 3D-printed jumbo jet? A resume of a talk given by Bastian Schaefer [2]

Hi Eka, below are a few suggestions to enhance your essay.

- People cannot know about thewill never know what the future holds .
- For instance, ( don't forget your punctuation marks )
- humans havepeople begun their future aeroplane

- some individualpeoples needs in the upcoming
- effort is that they should be able to find - lighter material to putbe placed on the aircraft.
- Al inOver all, they promised about - from those that existed these days.

There you have it Eka, overall, this summary is well written, just a few modifications to correct much needed sentences that needs correction.
I hope you follow through with the suggestions and keep writing.

Writing Feedback / The range of nationality of people, who has journeyed to New Zealand [2]

Hi Gian, below are my thoughts on your analysis. The linking verbs are seen as very crucial detail that is missing in your analysis, having said that, please find my suggestions below.

- The pie chart illustrates the range of nationality of people, - who has journeyed to New Zealand.

- First of all, Australia behas the biggest
- percentage of countries,
- From two of these countries,
- the different percentdifference of the percentage around 28.

- South of Korea beis the smallest
- country about theof tourist, at 3 percent.
- I t is clearly that Australia
- has peaked different visitors than
- the amount of range of countries,

- Overall, there are two big distinct countries who visits New Zealand , come from the amount of visitors numbers, fist is
- the largest percentage such as
- and the second is small percentage, such ascame from China, Japan, and South of Korea.

There you have it Gian, I hope the above remarks are helpful to your revision and do let us know should you need further assistance.

Writing Feedback / Summarize TED video : Taylor Wilson, who built a nuclear fusion reactor [3]

Hi Muhamad, below are my thoughts on your video summary.

- On that video, I getThe video shows information
- about Taylor Wilson, a young peopleperson who
- built a nuclear fusion reactor onin his garage.
- about to makecreating a new star on the jar.
- And after that heHe started to make
- it happen onin his garage.
- There are two points on thatthis video,
- how to create it onin his house.
- He talked about a physic theory - I'm not sure what you mean by "physic theory", please elaborate.

- Due to the fact ofthat his
- And on theThe second point,
- he believes that the other kids can do
- the things whichthat can change the world.

There you have it Muhamad, I hope the above remarks and modifications help you with your revision.

Writing Feedback / It is witnessed that the largest proportion of New Zealand's visitors come from Australia [2]

Hi Eva, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Team, we hope you find this website to be helpful and even more so, valuable to your writing projects, we aim at providing you with the most accurate and clear feedback, in order to strengthen your essay and be ready for submission. Having said that, please find suggested revision below;

- The pie chart compares aboutthe international
- witnessed byfrom Australia.
- A lower of number is showed forfrom Americans
- and British people while The East Asian People
- are the minority of proportion. Butand some of

- According to the figure chart, ( don't forget your punctuation marks ) it can be seen
- that the first majority group isare Australians people.
- The percentage is viewed virtually more than thirtieththirty percent

There you have it Eva, the above remarks are a few suggestions that will hopefully enhance your essay, I hope you follow through with the corrections and do so for the rest of the analysis. Overall, it is just minor remarks but nonetheless needs modification.

Writing Feedback / Overall, the most travellers come from a place which is near to the visited country. [2]

Hi Almajid, please find a few suggestions for your analysis.

- aboutof who where the people
- who travels to New Zealand come from.
- which is near to thisthe country.
- However, there are also people who departcome from extremely far countries though, even though it is athey are of very small percentage.

- tourists isare Australians with forty percent,
- and then followed by other groups,
- which there is no list of the country fromis not listed in the graph .
- The next percentages come from British and Americans,

- who are interested in visiting New Zealand
- with a total just
- with a total of twelve percent only .

There you have it Almajid, I hope the above remarks and suggestions are helpful to your revision.

Writing Feedback / Several different citizenships of New Zealand's guest [2]

Hi Husnul, first of all WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, we hope to provide you with the most accurate and valuable feedback that will help you in coming up with an even stronger essay. Having said that, please find the suggestions for your analysis below.

- Australia and European continents place
- tourists from the Asian continent
- who visits New Zealand.

- The tourists from Australian and European continents;
- At the top of the percentage is Aussyare Aussies ,
- it takes 40 percent of the travellers.
- The second isare the British which

- On the other hand, the Asian continent
- Chinese who are in New Zealand as

There you have it Husnul, I hope the above remarks and suggestions help you with your revision. Overall, there's not much to modify, you just have to focus on the proper form of the words you use in your sentences.